Emotion CoachingA Creative Discussion on

the Benefits of Developing “Emotional Intelligence” in Young People and Families

What are our Goals for Our Children?What do we want for them?

• Obedience and compliance not enough• We want our children to grow up to be moral and responsible

people who contribute to society• We want young people to possess the strength to make their

own choices in life and to enjoy the accomplishments of their own talents

• We want to see our children enjoy their lives and the pleasures it has to offer

• We want young people to have good relationships with friends and successful marriages

• We want our children to someday make good parents

What is Emotion Coaching and Why is it Important for Families?

• John Gottman, Ph.D. has written a book on Emotion Coaching entitled “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” EC is a technique that requires emotional awareness and a specific set of listening skills

• Develops “Emotional Intelligence” in young people; term coined by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

• Multiple studies support the finding that one of the most significant predictors of a child’s “success” as an adult is their ability to get along with others; more salient than an SAT or GRE score.

• Children who are emotion coached learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems.

• These young people are characterized by having high self esteem, they learn well, and have better relationships because they are adept at reading and understanding interpersonal communication cues.

Gottman’s Theory Extension of Dr Haim Ginott’s Work with Children

• Much like athletic coaches, emotion-coaching parents teach their children strategies for dealing with life’s ups and downs.

• They don’t object to their children’s display of anger, sadness, or fear

• Nor do the IGNORE them • Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life

and use these emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.

Anticipated Outcomes for Young People who are Emotion Coached

• John Gottman PhD, acclaimed psychologist from University of Washington and the Gottman Relationship and Research Institute, offers the following as a result of his 10 year longitudinal study of over 100 families:

• Develop ability to regulate their own emotional states. • Develop methods to soothe themselves when upset • Learn to calm down their hearts faster and because of this superior

performance in managing this part of their physiology,

• Tend to have fewer infectious illnesses.

• Better at focusing attention.

Enjoy better performance in school and healthier relationships

Five Key Principles for Emotion Coaching

• Developing an awareness of child’s emotions • Recognizing emotion as opportunity for

teaching and intimacy building• Listening empathetically and validating

children’s feelings• Helping the child verbally label emotions• Setting limits while helping the child problem

solve

Assessing Your Parent Style

The path to becoming a better parent, like almost every road to

personal growth and mastery, begins with self examination.

The Dismissing Parent

• Treats child’s feelings as unimportant, trivial

• Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings

• Desires that the child’s negative emotions disappear quickly

• Characteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotions

• May ridicule or make light of a child’s emotions

• Believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic

The Dismissing Parent• Focuses more on how to get over emotions than on the

meaning of the emotion itself

• Believes focusing on negative emotions will just make matters worse

• Believes the negative emotions means the child is not well adjusted

• Believes the child’s negative emotions reflect badly on the parents

• Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that lead to the emotion

The Dismissing Parent• Believes children’s emotions tend to be irrational, therefore

don’t count

• May lack awareness of emotions in self and others

• Feels uncomfortable and at times overwhelmed by child’s emotions

• Fears being out of control emotionally

• Does not problem solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems

The Disapproving Parent

• Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in ways that are more negative in delivery

• Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression

• Is over aware of the need to set limits on their children

• Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior

• Reprimands, disciplines, or punishes the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not

The Disapproving Parent• Believes negative emotions need to be controlled

• Believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits

• Believes child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles

• Believes emotions make people weak: children must be emotionally tough for survival

• Believes negative emotions are unproductive; a waste of time

• Is overly concerned with the child’s obedience to authority

The Laissez-Faire Parent

• Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child

• Offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings yet offers little guidance on behavior

• Does not teach child about emotions

• Is permissive and does NOT set limits

• Does not help child solve problems because does not teach problem-solving methods to the child

• Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions except ride them out

The Emotion Coaching Parent

• Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for learning and intimacy

• Can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child: Does not become impatient with the emotion

• Is aware of and values his or her own emotions

• Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting

• Is sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when subtle

The Emotion Coaching Parent• Is not confused or anxious about the child’s emotional

expression; knows what needs to be done

• Respects the child’s emotions

• Does not poke fun or make light of the child’ negative feelings

• Does not say or dictate how child should feel

• Does not feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child

Uses emotional moments to:

• Listen to child• Empathize with soothing words and affection• Help the child label the emotion he or she is

feeling• Offer guidance on regulating emotions • Set limits and teach acceptable expression of

emotions• Teach problem-solving skills

Effects of Emotion Coaching Style on Children

• They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems.

• They have high self-esteem, learn well, and get along well with others.

Scaffolding

• utilizes incremental pieces of information • includes specific praise for specified bits of

progress • Parents WAIT for the child to do something right

and offer them SPECIFIC praise pertinent to the progress

• A focused compliment is much more effective in a teaching situation than global compliments

• scaffolding process uses each small success to boost the child’s confidence, helping child to reach the next level of competence.

Parental Agenda

• A goal based on a particular problem the parent has identified as interfering with what they believe to be in the child’s best interest.

• Such agendas are often linked to promoting admirable values such as courage, kindness, and discipline.

• These agendas can cause parents to keep a watchful eye on behavior, constantly trying to adjust their children’s course based on what they believe is best for the child.

• When conflicts arise over agenda issues, vigilant parents see it as their responsibility and even their moral obligation---to drive home their own points of view.

Parental Agenda

• To get at a question underlying misbehavior, it’s best to avoid asking questions like: “Why did you do that?”

• Best to steer clear of global enduring critiques of children’s personality traits.

• When correcting kids, focus instead on a specific event that happened here and now in their lives.

• Examples: Rather than “You are so careless and messy” say to your child: “ There are clothes scattered all over your room.”

• Instead of “Don’t be such a wallflower.” say: If you speak louder, the waitress will hear you.”

Parenting Styles- A Matter of Cultural and Philosophical Differences

• If scientists have learned anything on the subject, it's that social connections are the foundation for happiness, health, and success in life. When kids build friendships through play, their social and emotional intelligence flourishes; social skills are a key predictor of success later in life. What's more, research clearly links loneliness and isolation with chronic illness and increased mortality rates.

What are OUR Values?• Dignity we all deserve to be treated well • Respect• Compassion• Self-Actualization• Responsible Contributing Member of Society• ???• ???• ???

Amy Chua Challenge

• Why did her perspective hit such a nerve?• ARE we satisfied with the way we are raising

our children?• What have we learned about ourselves in this

process?• What will we do differently?• What values are reinforced by this

experience?

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise over againI’d build self esteem first and the house laterI’d finger paint more and point the finger lessI would do less correcting and more connectingI’d take my eyes off my watch and watch my eyesI would care to know less and know to care moreI’d take more hikes and fly more kitesI’d stop playing serious and seriously playI would run through more fields and gaze at more starsI’d do more hugging and less tuggingI’d see the oak tree in the acorn more oftenI’d be firm less often and affirm much moreI would model less about the love of powerAnd more about the Power of LoveDonna Lewis