Embracing the Challenging Behavior

7/27/2019 Embracing the Challenging Behavior

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Embracing the Challenging

Behavior Child and Parent

By Linda Ranson Jacobshttp://blog.dc4k.org

www.divorceministry4kids.com
http://blog.dc4k.org/http://www.divorceministry4kids.com/http://www.divorceministry4kids.com/http://blog.dc4k.org/


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Learn

ToLaugh


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Look Familiar?


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Orchard Gardens K-8

A Turnaround SchoolBoston Public Schools

Fired security guardsGot rid of 80% of teachers

Hired teachers that could adapt ASAP

Extended day 7:30-5:30Changed attitudes


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ACEs Too High

Lincoln High School - toxic stress

damages kids brains

If you want to change a kids

behaviors - change the adults

responses!


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Adverse Early

Childhood Experiences


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ACEs at work


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Stressed & challenging

my friend Collin


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Opportunity

Examine what is working

Think about what you need to change

Take away new ideas


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Give yourself permission tosay,

It is okay!

I didnt know what I didnt

know


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There is no one size fits

all Matthew 8:16 Demon possessed

Matthew 9:6 Lame man Mark 8:22-23 Blind man

Each child is an individual


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He went back to teaching by the sea. Acrowd built up to such a great size that he

had to get into an offshore boat, using the

boat as a pulpit as the people pushed tothe waters edge.

Mark 4:1 (Message)


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Basic facts about

children of divorce Want attention

Uncooperative kids = hurting kid

Appear to be disrespectful

Some are parenting younger siblings


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James 4:1-2What causes fights and quarrels among

you? Dont they come from your

desires that battle within you? You

want something but dont get it.

You will and covet, but you

cannot have what you want.

You quarrel and fight.


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Relating James to the

child of divorce

# 1 thing a kids wants parents together

What adults do children will do

Kids are reacting to the situation

Try to control but it is a connection issue

Connection = impulse

control


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Causes for kids reactions

Doesnt feel safe Chaos / no consistent schedule

Fear of unknown

Nervous energy

Nutritional issues

Sleep deprivation

Other?


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Rethinking the issue

If you have raced with men on foot andThey have worn you out, how can you

compete with horses? Jeremiah 12:5

Change your mind-set

Develop new skills

Ask God for wisdom Learn to accommodate


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Change the mind-set

Children who are misbehaving areseeking external regulation.

Heather Forbes

Stress causes distorted thinking

Behavior becomes their voice

Kids are doing the best they can to survive in the moment


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Learn to accommodate

Adjust reactions in response to needs

Adjust your response to

meet each childs need

Broken arm or broken heart

They both hurt


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Mistakes Weve Made

Firmness instead of tenderness

Time out when they really need to take

a break

Rewarding good behavior

How we worded things assertivevoice


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Time out

Childs self talk says

1.Im going to hit her tomorrow

1.What did I do wrong

1.Like Im going to sit here quietly


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Reward systems

Rewards are based on adults judgment

Thinking skills are affected

Learn other control

Why try


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Reward systems cont.

We should want kids to do things because

1.Intrinsic value

2.Feels good under the skin3.Feels natural

4.Feels like it is right

It is okay to CELEBRATE


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Safety issue

Safekeeper talk

Im the safekeeper and its my job tokeep you safe.

Know what your job is?

To help me keep things safe.


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Tips that work

Who is in control?

Rehearsing and practicing

Use the childs name

Help child make commitment

Use assertive voice not wimpy


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Assertive Voice

Name ..Verb

David .Walk to the curb

Kyra ..Listen to the story

Sam Finish your snack


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Reframing

How could you be helpful?

What would help you get started?

What could you do to solve this problem?

Whats your plan?

When you _____, then you may ______

Is _______ being safe? What could besafe for you and others?


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Giving choices

Offer 2 or three positive choices If you offer a positive and a negative

choice that is manipulation

If you choose to ______ then ____ will

happen. Do you understand?

Tell children what you want them to do.


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More mistakes weve made

Im sorry you cant _________

I need for you to ___________

I want you to __________


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Praising children

Describe childs action instead of praising

Generic praise doesnt work

Comes across as judgmental

Dont feel worthy of praise

Think if they act bad enough

May set out to prove you wrong


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Sample Phrases

Oh well

Bummer

Whats your plan?

You did it

Shrug your shoulders


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Childrens Behavior

Becomes Their VoiceWhen they

Dont feel safe

Dont feel loved Are confused

Are unsure of the

future


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Tips & Techniques

Relationships are of utmostimportance

Get to know each child

- Last names - all last names

Joshs story


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Other Tips

Kids feel powerless - offer choices

Know your agenda

Never ask a question you know the

answer to


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Whirlwind Kids

Cover up for intense pain Nervous energy

Fear of feelings

Nutritional issues

Lack of sleep


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Disruptive

Operating from the lower level of the

brain

Their power has been taken away

Disorganized life style

Reacting to perceived perceptions


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Aggressive

Lower levels of serotonin in the brain

Provide schedules and post them

Speak clearly and in short phrases

Dont be critical of behavior but set firm

limits

Help them feel safe

Dont crimp on space


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These children are valuable

gifts

They teach us valuable lessons

Improve your program / ministry Show weaknesses in your ministry

Teach you to care deeply

P i l S l i


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Practical Solutions to

Practically Every Problem

Although you may feel that this challenging child

has come into your life just to make you

miserable, he has not. He is acting the best and the only way he knows.

Understanding the challenging child will help you

feel positive, empathetic, and loving towards him,

which may be the single most important thing youcan do to reduce the behaviors. Be the Jesus

hands and feet this child needs.


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Together we can reach the heights of excellence

and perform the extraordinary.


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A child of divorce?

Could this be a child in your church?


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This or

Or this


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Let my teaching fall l ike rain and my wordsdescend l ike dew, l ike showers on new grass,

l ike abundant rain on tender plants.Deuteronomy 32:2 (NIV)

Or this.


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Data CardFill out the data card and give to volunteer

Write Blogin the corner if you want to follow

What was helpful?What was missing?

What will you do differently at your

church?

Embracing the Challenging Behavior

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