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Dr. James Long, Jr.

ELEVATE Marriage

• Establish a biblical foundation for relationships and marriage

• Loyal and lasting love

• Engaging communication

• Values and Visioning

• Actively pursuing peace

• Tenderness (emotional and physical intimacy)

• Equipping children and Edifying others

Engaging Communication

Lesson # 3

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The Essential Human Connection

• Deep oneness can only be achieved where good communication exists.

• Communication – the essential human connection

– Communicating with anyone requires skills and disciplines. (Knowing when to speak and when to listen)

– Skillful communication is essential for leading other.

– Communication – understanding others and being understood – is also the essential human connection.

Typical Communication Patterns of Troubled Relationships

• Discuss – Avoid

• Demand – Refuse

• Criticize – Defend

• Accuse – Deny

• Pursue – Distance

• Attack – Withdraw

• Attack – Attack or Withdraw – Withdraw

Everett Worthington

What happens when people do not communicate effectively?

• Issues remain unclarified (Proverbs 18:17). • Wrong ideas are uncovered. • Conflicts and misunderstandings are unresolved (Matt 5:23-

26). • Confusion and disorder occur (1 Cor. 14:33, 40). • Wise decision-making is thwarted (Proverbs 18:13). • The development of deep unity and intimacy is hindered

(Amos 3:3). • Boredom, discontentment, and frustration develop. • Interpersonal problems pile up and barriers become higher and

wider. • Temptation to look for someone more exciting occurs. • We do not really get to know each other. • We do not receive spiritual help from each other.

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EXPOSITION OF JAMES 3:1-12 WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT COMMUNICATION?

A Faith that Speaks Godly

• James 3:1 – Caution: Do not be quick to teach

• James 3:2 –Certainty: We all stumble

• James 3:2b – Comfort and Confidence: – You can speak in a godly way

– You can grow in Christlikeness

• James 3:3-5 – The tongue reveals what Controls You

• James 3:5b-8 – The tongue is Consuming fire

• James 3:9–12 – The tongue reveals the inconsistency of your hearts

What Do Your Word’s Reveal?

• Your words are a mirror of your heart (Luke 6:45)

• Your words reflect your tendency to heal or hurt (Proverbs 11:9, 11; 12:18; 14:25; 15:4; 16:24, 28; 18:21)

• Your words are an indicator of your spiritual maturity (James 1:26; 3:1-6; 2 Timothy 2:16)

• Your words reveal whether you are focused on self just on God and others ( 1 Peter 3:8-10)

BCF

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When Are We To Speak?

• Speak after you have gathered all the facts (Proverbs 18:13; 29:20)

• Listen to all sides and do not jump to conclusions (Proverbs 18:13, 17)

• Concentrate on what the person is saying; listen attentively (Proverbs 10:19; 15:28; 18:2)

• Remember to focus on the truth and facts not on opinions (Proverbs 13:10; 2 Timothy 2:23)

• Speak after taking time to think about what to say (Proverbs 13:3; 15:28; 21:23; James 1:19)

• Find the appropriate time to speak (Proverbs 15:23; 25:11)

BCF

How Are We To Speak?

• Speak in love (Ephesians 4:15)

• Speak without quarreling (Proverbs 17:14; 20:3; 2 Timothy 2:24-25)

• Speak with gentleness and grace (Proverbs 15:1; 16:21, 24; 25:15; Colossians 4:6; 1 Peter 3:15)

• Speak with confidence (Titus 2:15; 3:8)

• Speak in a way that will be pleasing to God (Psalm 19:14; 1 Thessalonians 2:4)

BCF

How Are We Not To Speak?

• Lies (Exodus 20:16; 23:1; Proverbs 4:24; 6:12; Ephesians 4:25; Colossians 3:8)

• Unwholesome or abusive words (Ephesians 4:29, 31

• Curses or bitterness (Psalm 10:2-11)

• Talking too much or being too quick to speak (Psalm 39:1; 141:3; Proverbs 10:19; James 1:19)

• Flattery in order to gain an advantage over someone (Proverbs 26:28; 29:5; 1 Thessalonians 2:3-7)

• Gossip (Proverbs 18:8; 20:19; 26:20) BCF

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What’s the Solution?

• Admit the problem

• Turn to Christ and His gospel of grace

• Apply some of the principles below…

PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION

Communication – the essential human connection

• Communicating with anyone requires skills and disciplines. (Knowing when to speak and when to listen).

• Skillful communication is essential for leading others.

• Communication – understanding others and being understood – is also the essential human connection.

Paul Meyer

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THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Understanding Yourself

• Before you can understand, motivate and lead others, you must first be able to understand, motivate and lead yourself.

• Self-understanding promotes understanding others.

• Understanding human behavior is the foundation of good communication.

Understanding Yourself (continued)

• Good communication is the key to positive interpersonal relationships.

• Positive interpersonal relationships lead to success.

• What you know about yourself and how you feel about yourself helps to determine your attitude towards others – how you relate to them and communicate with them.

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Understanding others and what motivate them.

Three basic principles provide insight into why people behave in certain ways.

1. Behavior is caused. (people are motivated for two basic reasons: either to gain a benefit, or to avoid a loss)

* Motivation is a “motive” for “action”.

2. People are more likely to act on feelings and emotions rather than on logic.

3. People act for their reasons, not yours. When people think for themselves and solve their own problems, they are more highly motivated.

Paul Meyer

Basic Styles of Behavior and Communication

• Two primary dimensions of human behavior that are apparent to others are: – Assertiveness – the degree to which a person

attempt to influence the thoughts and actions of others. (Do they ASK or do they TELL?)

– Responsiveness – the measure of emotional reaction to events. Does the person show feelings, emotions and impressions, or do they guard and control their feelings closely? (Do the EMOTE or do they CONTROL?)

Paul Meyer

Four Styles of Behavior

CONTROL

ANALYTICAL DRIVER

“BE ACCURATE” “BE EFFICIENT”

ASK--------------------------------------------------------------TELL

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVE

“BE AGREEABLE” “BE STIMULATING”

EMOTE

Paul Meyer

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LISTENING – THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING

The Benefits of Active Listening

“Listening is the vital link – the lifeblood – of communication. Listening, unlike merely hearing fosters mutual understanding

which is the primary goal of communication. Mutual understanding often facilitates some change – in attitude or action, or in both. When the communication process includes

listening to understand, change may be as likely to occur in the attitude and action of the initiator as it is to occur in the

intended receiver of the message. Both individuals become sender and receiver of messages. That is what communication

is all about – taking 100 percent responsibility for being a sender and receiver.” – Paul Meyer

Learning to Listen?

• Listening is a skill that can be learned.

• The rewards of active listening are rich and varied.

• Listening opens the gateway to personal and professional success through the vast dividends it pays.

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Benefits of Listening

• Keeps communication channels open

• Provides opportunities for learning

• Enhances relationships

• Inspires response

• Reduces friction, misunderstandings, and conflicts

• Alerts you to opportunities

• Enlists the support and favorable responses of others

• Enables you top reach ministry and personal goals you have set, and

• Develops insight into people’s needs and desires so you can serve them better.

Levels of Communication

Casual Level – between strangers or casual acquaintances requires minimum concentration because the subject matter is usually simple in content. Keeps door open to future dealings.

Personal, Social Level – Mutual interest. Development of new relationships. Involves the exchanging of ideas. Listening requires sensitivity to the feelings of others and genuine interest in people.

Levels of Communication Informational and Ideas Level – Listening for ideas may or

may not involve important relationships. May take place in large lecture rooms or small meeting. Project focused. Listening for information focuses primarily on intellectual processes but emotional factors as well are often involved.

Disclosure Level – The most rewarding experiences of listening and communicating occur when those communicating have the freedom and security to disclose their underlying needs and agendas. Candid disclosure. Genuine caring. Ethical concern. It exists only in the presence of mutual confidence and trust.

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Attitudes for Effective Listening

• Effective listening is active, not passive. • Demands conscious activity and concentration. • Reflecting what you hear back to those who are

speaking. • Readiness to learn or understand. • Willingness to learn for the particular source. • Belief in the values of others as individuals and in

the possibility that they have ideas and information worth hearing. (Empathy)

• Listening is deliberately applying the power of the mind.

Barriers to Listening

Physical Barriers, Attitude Barriers

and Behavior Barriers

Physical Barriers

• Physical barriers are the easiest to overcome.

– Close a door, limit interruptions, comfortable environment

• Overcome the rate of speed which the mind thinks. Speak at 125 word per minute. Think at a rate of 400-600 words per minute.

– Listener’s mind may become sidetracked.

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Overcome Physical Barriers

1. Organizing – mentally organize what you hear as you listen. Follow the speaker’s logic, taking note if it helps your concentration.

2. Analyzing – as you listen analyze the ideas you hear. Compare the information. Look for cause and effect.

Attitude Barriers

• Selective Listening – because we would like to hear only what pleases us or fits into our preconceived plans or ideas, it is easy to discount or filter out messages we find unpleasant or disagreeable.

• Overreacting – making snap judgments, losing control of emotions and other inappropriate actions (Verbal or Non-verbal)

Overcoming Attitude Barriers

• Strong, secure self-image

• Belief in the worth of other people

• Communication is not only sending it is also receiving

• Decide to treat people with respect despite what they think or do.

• Demonstrate genuine empathy in your interpersonal relationships.

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Behavior Barriers • Includes both verbal and non-verbal actions

that cut off listening.

• Interrupting the speaker – may be perceived as a lack of understanding, impoliteness or rejection.

• Criticizing and Attempting to Control – stop the flow of creative ideas, consider communication as one-way – from them to everyone else

• Nonverbal behavior – slumping in chair, avoiding eye contact, preoccupation with other matters. Can also go to the other extreme (excessive behaviors)

ASSESS YOURSELF

Our Words Have Power!

• Our Words Have Power! Scripture tells us that our words have the power to encourage, support, confront, heal, comfort, empower and even wound and hurt.

– Powerful words that we say to ourselves (Proverbs 23:7)

– Powerful words that we say to others (Are your words, words of truth and healing?) (James 3:3-10)

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What are the two strategies for dealing with sin?

Proverbs 28:13 • Conceal –Avoid (deny) –Avert (blame) –Anesthetize (numb self to it)

• Confess –To say the same thing as another or to

agree with another

True Repentance includes…

• Confession –Honesty with God –Honesty with others –Honesty with myself

• Change – In your mind (intellectual)

– In your desires (emotional) – In your will and actions (volitional)

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my

thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way

everlasting!

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How Do I Repent?

• To confess your sin, you must first see your sin

• Your confession of sin must flow from Godly sorrow

• When you confess your sin, stop passing blame and get specific

Application – How then are we to apply it?

• Examine yourself

• Confession

• Repentance

• Obey regardless of how you feel

• Pray and Praise

• Remember “I can’t” but “He can”

• Stand under the waterfall of gospel grace and Praise and Honor Christ because of His love for you

• “Second hand smoke” – gospel grace