Ego Comics Presents - Last Call

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Ego Comics in collaboration with the folks at the Bullpen, released the final chapter of our collected efforts. The theme for this book was left wide open. Anything goes. We hope you enjoy all the hard work all or our contributors put into making this fourth, and final installment of Ego Comics Presents.

Transcript of Ego Comics Presents - Last Call

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Ego Comics Presents: Last Call Vol.1 No. 4 Spring 2005 Published by EGO COMICS INFOTAINMENT GROUP. Ego Comics is: Neil Harmeyer & Ben Girven. Published quarterly. The Ego Comics logo, and “Ego Comics Presents” are all ©2005 Ego Comics Infotainment Group, Inc. All rights reserved. All stories, sequential art, and silliness ©2005 their respective artists and authors. Any similarity between any of the names, characters, persons, and/or institutions in this periodical with those of any living or dead persons or institution is probably intended in the name of parody and not entirely coincidental. Ego Comics will not be held responsible for your fears, trepidations, shortcomings, or misunderstandings that may arise before, during, or after the enjoyment of this publication. PLEASE DIRECT COMPLAINTS, CONCERNS, AND QUESTIONS TO: [email protected]. Printed by CafePress.com. Store in a cool, dry place.

“Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.”

Ego Comics PresentsLAST CALL

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.”- Douglas Adams

-Volume 1 Spring 2005-Issue 4Ta b l e O f C o n t e n t s

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”- Winston Churchill

Front Cover By brandon Dodds (colors by Ben Girven)

Table of contents ................................................................................. � Klyde by Andrew Elbendari ....................................................................... 2Ego of the Ubermensch by Brian A. Dixon .........................8The Standard of Living by neil harmeyer, brandon dodds, and ben girven .................. �4The Artifact by matt Putnam-pouliot ........................................20untitled by j.m. hunter .........................................................................26Doom incarnated by yann beelen, neil harmeyer, and ben girven ..........................3�It came from planet kungar pinup by Chris Woerner .........................................................................37Real monsters by ed quinby ........................................................... 38horror pinup by christopher rice .................................................... 4� roger and max in “bombs away!!” by frankie carrera and frank carrera ........................................42Last Call pinup by frank carrera .................................................... 45Fantasy pinup by christopher rice ................................................... 46once upon by liz miller .....................................................................47soldier by max allende ..........................................................................50intoxication by jon johnson ......................................................55glite-brite by christopher woerner ..............................................6�contributors ..........................................................................................67the “egos” behind ego comics .........................................70Back Cover by Christopher Rice

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“Ego of the Ubermensch”by Brian A. Dixon

ThefirsttimeImetGammaMan, intheflesh,hewasescortedtomyofficebytheFortWorthPoliceDepartment. Itwasanalmostridiculoussight,toseeacostumedmemberoftheOlympiansflankedbytwouniformedcopswho,evenwiththeirhatson,werebarelyshoulder-hightothehero.Theirpresencebyhissideonlyhelpedtoreinforcetheoutrightmajestyofhisappearance.Peoplesaythecapesarelargerthanlife.Youdon’trealizehowtruethatoldclichéisuntilyou’veseenoneinactionorstoodwithoneofthemface-to-face. Nodoubtyou’vebeenfollowingthetrial.Itwouldbehardtoavoid.Thisis,afterall,perhapsthefirsttimethatsohighlyregardedacape’sbeen charged with any crime or misdemeanor. What happens in thecourtroomhereinFortWorthwillmakehistory,setlegalprecedent,willchangethewaywefeelabouttheseheroesandtheirplaceinoursocietyforever.Myownparticularroleinthetrialwillkeepthiscommentary—thisconfessional—privateuntiltheverdictisrevealed.That’snotgoingtokeepmefromwriting,however.Whatyou’vebeenhearingaboutthistrial,thedetailsbeingreportedinthepress,isn’twhatneedstobetold.There’smoretothissuper-poweredmaninthedefensechairthanmostfolksknowandI’mwritingtotellyou,whateververdictmaybehandeddown,hedeservesbetterthanthis. I am the court-appointed psychologist, you see. While thespecializeddegreesexist,Ihavenoformaltraininginthepsychologyofmetahumans.Idoknowwhatdrivesmen,however,andwhatInowknowofthisherowhoisontrialinFortWorthfortryingtosavesixmenandwomenwithhisextraordinaryabilitiesneedstobetold. Thetabloidslovethecapes,andwhyshouldn’tthey?Thecapesbringaction,theybringglitz,theybringspectacle;theyofferhopeatthesametimethattheydelivernecessaryviolence.Ifyou’relearningaboutthemthroughgossip,however,ifyou’regettingallyourfactsaboutthis landmark trial from a supermarket rag, you’re doing yourself andtheseheroesagreatdisservice. Thesemenandwomen,wesaytheyfightforjusticeandfortruth.Attheveryleast,thetruthmustbetoldofthem.Theydeservenothingless. ItwasbeforethestartofthesecondphaseofthetrialthatIfoundGammaMan,largerthanlifeashewas,inmyoffice.Althoughhefitcomfortably intothearmchairthatallmypatientstake, itseemedtomeasiftheofficeitself—athreehundredsquare-footoffice,mindyou,withafullviewofdowntownFortWorth—wascramped,stifling,toosmalltocomfortablycontaintheman’stallframeandbroadshoulders.Thesemendon’tsimplyactbig,theyhavethestatureandpresencetomatch.

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GammaManwasangry,certainly. Hehadeveryrighttobeand,thoughhisveryimageisbuiltondisguise,hemadenoattempttohidetheemotion.HewatchedmewithasortofsilentfuryandunblinkingeyesasI took thechair oppositehimandprepared to start the interview.Everythingyou’veheardabouthisuniquegazeistrue,too.Itsuddenlyseemsasifyouareutterlyincapableoflyingwhenthosebright,glowingredpupilsareuponyou,staringyoudown.Whenhelooksatyou,suddenlyyou’reunderthehot lampofaveryprivate interrogationroom. Icanseewhysuspects,moreoftenthannot,simplybreakdownbeforehim,confessingtotheircrimeswithoutafight. WhenIaskedhimhisname,fortherecord,hisreplywasquick.“GammaMan.”Ishouldn’thaveexpectedanythinglesser.Ifthemanhaswhattheycallasecret identity,discussing itwasoutofthequestion.“Wetakethesenamesforareason,”hecommented,“andwedon’tchoosethemourselves.Youchoosethem,andwe’rehappytotakethemasourown.It’sforthebest.Wehavetoprotectthosewhoshareourprivatelives,ourfamilyandfriends,certainly,but it’smorethanthat. Whenyou’remakingdecisionsthatcouldaffectthemen,women,andchildrenofanentirenation—ofanentireworld—ithelpsnottothinkofyourselfastheman.Honestly,youhavetothinkofyourselfasGammaMan.” That’sthenameIscrawledinmyreport.Ididn’tevenarguethepointwithhim. Onceyou’repasttheeyes—eyesthatglowredwithanunflickering,unfading, unnatural inner light— it’s the costume that hits you. ForthelongesttimeIwasn’tabletotearmyeyesfromthatradiationlogoemblazonedacrosshischest.Thoseofyouwho’veneverseenacapeupclose,who’veonlywatchedthemperformtheirfeatsonthenightlynewsor seen their masked faces on the front pages of newspapers, mightconsiderthemental imageofthatscenewithinmyofficelaughable. Iwasdressedinmyuniform,sotospeak—myfavoritegraysuit,mybluebutton-down,thetiemywifegavemeforChristmastheyearthatweweremarried—andhewasdressedinhis:crimsoncape,cowl,bootsandall.Whenyouseethewaythemanfillsoutthatcostumeofhisyoucanseethere’snothingtolaughabout.It’simpressive,thatuniformandtheunderlyingphysique,unnaturallyso.Inowknowwhytheorganizationtowhichhe’spledgedhisallegiancehasdubbeditselftheOlympians;IfeltasifIwereinthepresenceofatowering,brilliant,scarletgod. Wespokeofmanythingsduringthefirsthalfhour,onceIwasabletoovercomethenervousnoveltyofinterviewingoneofthenation’sforemostmetahumansandtofocusonprocedure.Iselectedfromtheusualrangeofquestionsand,beforelong,thefaçadeoftheherocrackedandIcametoacceptthatIwasspeakingtoaman,firstandforemost.HetoldmeofhisexperiencesintheskiesaboveTexas,ofhislengthycareerfightingcrimeinthecity’sstreetsandonalarger,globalscale.WediscussedhisteammatesfromtheOlympians:Nimbus,AcidLass,theCyclone,JohnnyApocalypse.Heevenprovidedmewithavaguerecounting

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ofhissecretorigins.“ThenightIgainedmypowers?Itwasthesinglemoment that changed my life forever,” he said, “changed who I wasforever.I’vetoldmyself,though,thatitwasn’tsimplytheradiationthatdidit.Weallhavethosemoments,don’twe?They’rethemomentsthatdecideallthat’llfollow.Thepowersarethrustuponyou,sure,butthat’snotthedecidingfactor.There’sachoicetobemade.Youunderstand.There’salwaysachoicetobemade.” All of this may make for an entertaining profile some day but,more importantly, it revealed theverycorebeing this trial and theseprosecutorshopetoexpose.Herewasacapesittingbeforeme,largerthanlifeinallrespects.Butunderneaththebrightlycoloreduniformandbehindthosepowerful,glowingeyeswasamannolessfragileandnolesscomplexthananyothermanthathassharedthatarmchairofmine.Ihadtoforcemyselftobringupthesubjectthatbroughtustogether,toevenmentionthefive-alarmfirethattorethroughmidtownandkilledahalf-dozenpeople.Itwasdifficultformetospeakofit,butwhat’smore,itwasdifficultforhimtohearofit.Icouldseeitinhisface,inthewayheheldhisheadandthewayhislaser-likeeyessuddenlyfalteredand uncharacteristically blinked. The painwas clear, unmistakable, asblatantastheboldlogoemblazonedonhischest.Hiswordsfromthenonwerenotconveyedinthestrong,sternvoiceofamanwhoisproudofhisaccomplishmentsandproudofhisplaceintheworld.Hespokewithpain,withdisappointment,withtheheartbreakandheartacheofamanwhohastriedhisbestandfailedallthosewholovedhimanddependedonhim.You’veneverseenthisface,notonthenightlynews.Hehidesitwell,maskedmanthatheis.Nowthatthejudgehasruledthatthecameraswillindeedbebannedfromthecourtroom,IfearyouwillneverseethatfaceandInowrealizethatit’simportanttomethatyoudo. “There’san imagetobeupheld,”heconfidedwhenIconfrontedhimwith it, andfor thefirst timeheseemedtobeavoidingmygaze.“TheGameFace,Nimbuscallsit,andhemightbethebestatit.You’veseenphotosofhim?” I told him I had. It is, of course, the superhero visage thathasgracedthecoverofTimemagazineonmorethanoneoccasion,andcountlesscartooncaricatures in thenewspapersaswell. Thatface isfamous.“Nimbus,heclencheshisteeth,setshisjaw,andknitsupthatbrowofhisbeforelettingloosewithanyofhispowers.Heknowsthat’swhatpeopleneedtosee.That’snothim,though,notreally.Iknowtheman;I’vespenttimewithhim.Thatscowl,thatchiseledexpression?TheGameFace,that’sallitis.He’sgottowearit,though.Youcan’tletthatdown,becauseourenemiesarewatchingaswellasallthegoodmenandwomenoftheworld. “Itoldyouithelpsnottothinkofyourselfastheman,thatyouhavetothinkofyourselfasthehero.Thesamegoesforthepublic,youunderstand.Theyneedtothinkit.Theyneedthatface.Whenthey’rebeing threatened,when they’re indanger, theyneed to see that face

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whenNimbusarrivesonthescene.” WhenIaskedhimifhe’dworntheGameFacetothefive-alarmFortWorthfirewhenhe’darrivedonthescenetoassisttherescuecrewsIsawhimtenseandhisfingersgrippedthearmsofhischairsotightlyIwasgenuinelyafraidthathemight,quiteaccidentally,teardeepholesintheupholstery.“Thatnight?Everythingthathappenedthatnightwasaboutjudgingamanbyappearancesalone,”hesaidafteramoment.“Thechargeisnegligence.AlotofpeoplethinkIwasshowboatingthatnight,tryingtoimpressthecrowdasIwhippedaroundthebuildingandtriedtostealtheairawayfromthatblaze.TheythinkIwastryingtoputonashowwhilethosepeoplewereburningaliveinside.Idon’tneedtoimpressanyone.Theydon’tknowwhatitwaslike;theydidn’thavetolistentothescreamsofthosemenandwomenbehindtheroaringoftheflames.No,Doctor.Ifyouwanttoknow,Iwasn’tconcentratingonmyGameFacethatnight.Iwasconcentratingonthepeopleinsidethatfire!” I tried not to take it personally, to distance myself from thequestionsthatIhadtoask,butitwashard.Everythingthesecapesdoisonanexaggeratedscale,eventherareemotionaloutburst. GammaMan’spassionwasinhisglowingeyesandtherewaspaininhisboomingvoice.“Itriedtohelpthepeopletrappedinthatfire,”hetoldme.“IdideverythingIcould,everythingthatIcouldthinkoftogetthemoutalive.Thebuildingshadstructuraldamage,theywerejustwaitingtocollapse.Icouldseethat!” Staringatme,hetappedthesideofhiscowlwithapairofglovedfingers.“Nooneelsecouldseethat.IfI’dstormedin,ifI’dtornthroughawallorremovedoneoftheroofs,they’dallbedead,alongwithacoupleof good firefighters, too. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, Doctor.It’seasyforthepressandthepublicto lookbackonthefires,threemonthson,andtellmewhatIshouldhavedone.Theywantedashowofbruteforce,yousee.TheytellmethatImadeamistakebytryingtofindsomemoreelaboratemeansofextinguishingtheblaze,thatIshouldhavetorndownthewallsandyankedthevictimsfree.EvenifIhadusedforcetotryandsolvetheproblem,they’dstillbedead.Thosebuildingswouldhavecollapses immediately. Ihadtobecautious. IdidwhatIthoughtbest.” He shook his head then and, for a moment, he almost smiled.AlthoughIhadplentyofquestionstoaskIdeliberatelyputmypendown.Icouldseethathehadmoretosay.Theyhidesomuchbehindthosemasks,theykeepsomuchinside.Herewasamanchargedwithemotion,perhaps ready to release. “How long have I been here, an hour?” heasked, growing impatient, andI thoughthemight leap from the chairwithlightningspeedinfrustration.“I’mhere,talkingwithyou,explainingwhatit’sliketolivethelifeofasuperherobecausethecourtdemandsit,andinmanywaysyou’reoneofmyonlyhopes.DoyouthinkthatifIwasn’twillingtoallowmyselftobedissectedbyyou,ifIwasanythinglessthanwhatthiscostumedemandsofme,Iwouldhaveletmyselfbe

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escortedinherebyapairofcops?” Itwastrue.I’dthoughtthatverything.Heturnedhisheadandlookedoutofthewindowattheexpanseofthebright,blueskybeforehimashesaiditandthefireinhiseyesseemedtosoftenwithsadnessashestaredoutatthedriftingclouds.“Powersfarbeyondallmortalmen,astheysay.Icouldbehidingoutonthedarksideofthemoonrightnow,youknowthat?I’mnot.Icouldtearthroughthatcourtroom’swallsatanygivenmomentandthere’snotabailiffintheworldthatcouldstopme,butIwon’t. WhenIfirstputthismaskonIpromisedthepeopleIwasseekingjustice,andI’llbowtothejusticesystemateverystepoftheway.I’llsitthroughthisinterviewandanyotherinterrogation,tellmystoryasmanytimesasithastobetold,notsimplytodefendmyhonorbutbecause,iffornothingelse,Iliveforthoseideals.Andifthatdoesn’tprovetoyouwhatkindofamanIamIdon’tknowwhatwill.”It’swhatheexplainedtomethen,however,withhis remarkableeyestrained on the city and his extraordinary ears listening to the worldbeyondmyofficewalls,whichconvincedme.“Doyouknowwhatpainsmethemost,Doctor?”heaskedquietly,sorrowfully,watchingthewindowwithaconstantgaze.“Doyouknowwhatsaddensmemorethananythingelseaboutthiswholesillytrial?” Ijustshookmyheadsilentlyandlistened. Hiseyesstill lockedon the sparkling FortWorth cityscape outside of the officewindows,GammaMan leaned forward such that the gap that stoodbetween uscouldbenarrowedevenabitmore.Withoutlesseninganyofitspower,heloweredhisboomingvoicetosomethingjustaboveagravellywhisper.Thenhetoldme. “Icanseeamanbreakingintoacardownmidtown,onthecornerofRogersandRosedale.Inanotherthirtysecondshe’llbegone.IcanhearalittlegirlscreaminginDallas,Idon’tknowwhy,butshe’sscreamingwithalltherecklessabandonofachildthat’sterrifiedbeyondreason.Sheneedssomeone’shelp.IcanseeajetlineronapproachatDallas-FortWorthInternational,anditseemstomethatthey’rehavingtroublewithoneoftheirengines.Whatever’sgoingtohappentothatairplaneisgoingtohappeninthenexttwominutes.Iknowallofthesethings,Doctor,I’mmonitoringthemfromthisofficeaswespeak.They’rehappeningnow.WhereamI?I’mhere,inthischair,inthisoffice,talkingtoyouaboutwhyIwearacape.” ForamomentIcouldn’tbringmyselftolookathimandsoIturnedmyheadandfollowedhisgazeout,tothecity,andwonderedwhatotherdarkhappeningsmightbeoutthereatthatverymomentinthedaylightofwhatseemedtobeaperfectlybeautifulsummerafternoon.“That,Doctor,”hecontinued,“iswhatpainsmemorethananything,toknowthatmystrengthsandmytalentsarebeingwastedasanationbantersaboutwhetherornotthey’dlikemetohelpthemanymore.” Heclosedhiseyeswhenhewasfinishedtalkingandthen,forthefirsttime,theofficewasutterlyfreeofthebrilliantglowofhispupils.

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Wesatthereforamomentinsilence.Icouldonlyhearthehumoftheair conditioner but, somehow, I knew thatGammaMan, with his headdownandcockedslightlytooneside,wasstilltryingtohearthevoiceofthatlittlegirlthathadbeencryingthirtymilesawayinDallas.Iendedtheinterview.Thearmedpoliceescorts,likelittletoysoldiers,cameandtookGammaManaway.Heleftasquietlyashecame. An outraged city wants to blame him, claiming the man in thecrimsoncostumecaredmoreaboutthecutofhiscapeandthelookofhisprofile inthe lightofthefiresthanthe livesofthosesixdead inFortWorth.Thosewhowouldlashoutwithsomesortoftwistedspiteatoursuper-poweredprotectorswouldhaveusindicthimfornegligence,fornottakingtherightaction inacrisis. They’vecometothinkthatsupermenlivewithsuperioregos.WhatwouldIhavethemdo?I’dhavethecameras,soeagertocatchanyhigh-payingshotofacapeinaction,broughtintothatcourtroom.I’dhavethepublichearthepaininGammaMan’svoice,seethetensioninhisframeashestrainstobepatientwithaslow-movingjusticesystemwhilechildrenareindanger.Thenthey’dsee.Egos?Thesemendon’thaveegos.

The Unstoppable Force - Neil Harmeyer.

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SuddenlyavoicespeakstoMM“Doyouwishultimatepower,frailman?” “Huh?what...iwanttobeonlyasuperhero” “Yessbutyoucanbecomemuchmore...listentothewordsofD.O.O.M.andyouwillcomeamanwithoutLimitations” “Ican’t...” “Thenimusttakeoverbyforce” TheentityD.O.O.M.fightshismind.TothemilitaryPowerlordisjustbeenoutofcontrol.“Saytohimtostanddown”“wecan’t.Hemustdo itonhisown”ashockwaveemitsfromour “hero”andsmackseveryonedown.Thevoiceofourheroisnolongerhumananymoreandsays“Iamfree;IamD.O.O.M.Incarnated”

InthedamagedRoomthepowersuitisnowinhabitedbytheD.O.O.Mentity.MMisstillfightingitinside.Wegotakealookathim:weseehimfightingoldnightmareslikeschool,nojob,beenhatedforhislength.Thenightmaresareputtinghiminasortcage. “No..leavemealone...whathaveidonetodeservethis?” “Nothing...ineedjustabody”aghoulyvoicesounds.“IamD.O.O.M” “Neverheardof“ “IamfromtheDoomuniverse.Soonyouruniverseisours” Meanwhile...outsidethehavockedbuilding,soldiersaresurroundingtheplace.Heavygearisarriving:tanks,artillary,helicopters,fightersupport,...Justamissiontokillonemanor... D.O.O.M.cosmicawarnessfoundstheennemiesoutsidethebuilding.Fromtheglowingeyeshiddenbehindthehelmetsvisorredtentaclesemerge.SoldiersKO’edonthefloorbytheshockwaveareusedassubjects.They“rise”andtheireyesstarttoglow. While our fiend is following the ongoing movements outside, Prof. Zeiburgwakesup.Helooksaroundforameansofescape.Hepicksupsomestonesandrevealsaenterancetothesewersystem.Soonasheentersthesystem,somemind-controlledsoldiersfollowhim. “Killhim”theentityshouts. The professorfinds a small storage roomwhile bullets areflying around. helooksathishand.Hehasasmallmoduleinhishandwhereinisputthatthebeamwastemperedwith.

Theprofessorcancomeoutattheothersideandwalkstothecommanderofthebase. Thegeneralofthebase(GB)isanelderemanlookingathispensionbutstillwantsasuperweapon PZ”Thatmanisundercontrolbysomethingwecan’tstop”. GB”Isitaman?oramachine?” PZ“Amanwhobecomesamachine.Theonlywayistocreateanotherraygun”. GB”Bringtheprofessortohislab” GB:”Whathappenedtothemeninsideoftheotherlab?” PZ:”They are controlled too. I saw the powersuitmanifest strange eyes andtentacles” GB:”Wasthatimplantedinthesystem?” PZ:“Idon’tknow.Iguessitwasn’t”

Thepossessedsoldiersalsoshootattheiroldcolleges.theGeneralofthebaseletmove in containers of Knockout gas.Helicopters swoop in and drop them on thebuildingbutnoavail(itfails)Thesoldiersstillkeepshooting

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WefollowtheProfessortothelab.Heresearchesthedataonthemodulewithamastercomputer. Wegobacktothebuilding. With his hivemindpowers (he controls more people at once .red) D.O.O.M.demandsoldersoldierstorebuildtheray.Theystumbleuponamissingpart:themodulethathasthetranslocatordatainit.Datathatisusedtotransferdatafromobjecttosubject.

Fromdamagedcomputerspartsarescavengedtocreateanewmodule.Therayisnowbeenreworkedasortofshieldingdevice.“Ican’tliveforeverinthissoul.Ineedanotherone.Whohasmorepoweroverthisworld,whohasmuchinfluence”.HethinksthenheseesthatTVisahugeinfluenceontheworld.Heseesthatsoldierswhoarenotonguardwatchthatlittleblackbox.“Intrigingblackbox”hesays...Heaskshowpeoplegetthose“waves”.Thesoldiersexplainhimhowsignalsaresendbyradiotransmitterandsattelitesacrosstheworld.“SoTVisaworldpower”hesays“Notreallyjustatooltogettopeople”.“IneedsomethingtotransfermyselfoversattelitestoallTV’sintheworld”hethinks Helooksathisraygunandthatisit:ifremoduleditcouldbeusetotransferimagestoTVtrusatelites

ProfessorZeiburgisalsotryingtoreachourfriendMMintheconfindingsofthePowersuit.Heisreachinghimwithmessagesinhisnightmarethatthosenightmaresarejustthatandnottrue... “Can’tbe...irelivemyschool..”“Itisnottrue”“Ican’t“...(*) DOOMistobusywithhismodifictationsforhistransfermachinetoruletheworld. Zeiburg isgettingtoMM“Youmusthelpmedefeathim.Makehimmanifesthimself.Iknowawayhowyoucandefeathim.Thisiswhatyoumustdo...”

Zeiburgbelievesthatifhecancreatea“anti-omegara”devicethenthatdevicecanswitchofthePowersuitbutonlywhenoneoftwowantstoreleaseit.thatiswhyitisessentialthatMMmustmakeDOOMbelievetoletthesuitloosesoMMcouldtakecontrolofit.. ButnowthebuildingwithDOOM/MMinsideissurroundedbyamassiveforcefield.Bulletsbounceoff,nothingworks.InaworldwithoutsuperheroestheonlythingthatcouldsavetheworldonlyMMcouldsavetheworldbecausehewascreatedforthatpurpose..andnotthatDOOMentityassupervillan. GB:”Ithoughtyouwouldcreateanewmachinetocreateanewhero” PZ:”Iamnotmakingmysamemistakesbutyouwillhaveyourheroattheendoftheday” GB:”IsMMstillalive?” PZ“Barelybutheisalive.Disconnectthepowerlinestothebuilding.” Soldiersdisconnectthepowertothebuildingbuttheforcefieldstillison PZ:“Sendamantothebuildingtofindoutwhatthoseenergyis” Thesoldiercomesback“hereisit” PZ”Astonishing.Itisthesameenergy” GB“thenitmightwork?” PZ”Positive”

TheprofessorrebuildsthemachinewhileDOOMisdoingthesame.MMmakesDoombelievethatisbettertoletgothesuitandtomanifestitself. DM“Whyshouldidothis?“ MM“Youcan’tholdthatpowerforever.Imighthelpyoutoprotectyou” DM”Whydoyouthenopposemesostrong?” MM“Ihavelearnedfromit.Iwillshowyouwhatihavelearned”

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DM“Doyounolongerwishtoopposeme?” MM:”Letmynightmaresgoandiwillshowyou” DM“OKifiamengagingthepowertheniwillnolongerbeneedofyourhusk”

ProfessorZeiburgbringshismachineonlinejustbeforeD.O.O.M.engageshisTVtransferdevice Themachineshootstherayatthebuilding.Soldiersaredisconnectedfromthehivemindandfallonthefloor.D.O.O.Mstartstomanifestitselfwithoutthesuit.OnthefloorliesnowalsoMM. “Notthatclosetomyvictory...NOOOO”.MMsays“Thatismycue..HecrawlsawayattheTVtransferdeviceandpullstheplug.“AssimpleassayingyouareDoomed,D.O.O.M.”hesays “You can’t do that”. “Watch me..shady guy watch me. It is your doomsdaytoday” SomehowDOOMstill standsthere. “HAHAseeyoudidn’tdosquat”. “IhavelearnedsomethingfromyouDOOM” “What...?““Rememberthis?“...aflashoflight.MMhasthesuitnow.Heisnotlongerpossessed. “Howisthatpossible?” “Byleavingthepowersuitwithmeyougivemebackmypowers” “Can’tacceptthis” “Acceptyourdefeatthen...look” AbeamcomesfromthehandsofMMandhitsthetransfermachine. “Whatareyoudoing?” “Sendingyouback,Demon,sendingyouback” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo” Aflashoflight...MMdropsonthefloor,DOOMhasleftthebuilding...“Iwillcomeback”aechosounds “Sosonhowdoyoufeelashero?” “Shocking”

END!

It Came From Planet Kungar - Chris W.

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“Once Upon”ByLizMiller

Hiscarriagewasasfineasanyothercarriageinthekingdom,theBaronwasconfidentofthat,butthisdidnotmeantheridewassmoothHe’dspenthislifeincarriageslikethese,though--hebarelyevenheardthejanglingofthehorses’gear,thecrackofthewhip,thecriesofthecoachman spurring the snow whitemares onward. The Baron, instead,listenedtohiswife,whosaidnothing. Intheend,hespokejusttomakesurehecouldstillbeheard.“Theballwasquitelovely,wasitnot?” Shekeptlookingoutthewindow,slowlyremovingoneofherwhitegloves,fingerbyfinger,andhewasalmostsurprisedwhenshespoke. “Itwas,”shemurmured. Silence,saveforacrackofthewhip.Hetriedagain.“Ashameitturnedoutlikethat.Withtheshoeandall.” “Slipper,” she corrected, looking down at her own shoes, whichwerethickandabitboxy.Thespreadofage. “Aglassslipper.” “A bit impractical, don’t you think?” he said, relieved at thebeginningsofconversation. “Shewasyoung,”shesaid,slidingthegloveoff,theslightraspoffinefabricagainstskinbarelyaudibleabovethejanglingofthecarriagewheels.“Youngpeopleoftenwearimpracticalthings.” Heguffawed.“Nonsense.Ididn’t.Youcertainlydidn’t.” “No,”shesaid,softerthanawhisper,herunglovedhandbrushingovertheglovedone.“Yousawtothat.” Twentyyearsago,hemighthaveslappedherforsucharemark-buttwentyyearsago,shewasyoung,aslipofagirl,andangry.Today,shewashisbelovedBaroness,andwhenshesaidit,quietasamouse,hefelt... Hewasn’tsurewhathefelt,buthelookedathiswife,hergazestill rollingalongthecountryside.Hisbeautiful,poised,obedientwife,motherofhissevensons.Helookedather,andwondered. “Didyouwanttowearstrangethingslikeglassslippers?”heasked,feelingabitfoolishforit.“Whenyouwerethatage?” Sheturned,lookedathim,andforamomenthefeltmuchyoungerthanhisage,feltlikehehaddonesomethingwrong,wasbeingreprimandedforit.Ridiculous. “Perhaps,”shesaid.“Ineverhadthechance, likeyousay.Ifindthatweoftenwouldliketotrythings,simplybecausewehaveneverdonethem.” “Youarewise,mydearwife,”henodded,tryingtoridhimselfofthedisquiet,theanger. Butforjustamoment,shesmiled,as if insideherself,shewas

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laughingatsomegreatjokethathewouldnotunderstand.Hisfingersclenched.Hehadnotfeltthiswayinsometime. And she saw his fists, saw the look on his face, and the smilevanishedwithoutatrace,hereyesloweredtoherhands.“IfIamwise,dearhusband,itisonlythankstoyou,”shesaidatlast. Withherwords,hisangerfaded,andherelaxedagainsthisseat. “IwonderifHisHighnesswillfindthegirl,”hesaid. “HisHighnessisagreathunter,”shereplied.“Itshouldbelittletrouble.” “Youarequiteright,Baroness,”hesaid. Theyhitabumpintheroad,andforamoment,theBaronessfeltweightless, freeofher uselessbody, freeof thephysicalburdens ofchildbearing and age. But the moment passed, the carriage continuedon itsway,andshewasreturnedtoherselfjustasquicklyasshewasfreed. Shefoundherselflostinmemoryagain,anddidnotresist.Usually,shetriedtoavoidthesereveries--aloneinherchambers(whereshewasoftentobefound,hersonspreferringtheoutdoorsandherdaughtershidingintheirownrooms),sheoftenfoundthesensationofwanderingthepasttoointense,tooimmediate.Therewerefewdistractionsthere,littlewayofremindingherselfwherehereandnowtrulylay.Butinthecarriage,shecouldhearthecriesofthecoachmanandtheneighsofthehorsesandtherattleofthewheels.Shecouldheareverything,andshecouldrememberwithoutfeelingcompletelylost. For she knew that she was not really in her mother’s garden,huntingwithhersistersforfaeriesamongtheroses,youngenoughtostillbelievethatmagichappened.Shewasnotreallymomentsawayfrombeingsummonedtoherfather,toldthatacontracthadbeensignedandthatshewouldbemarriedwithinthemonth. Shewasnotreallylyinginherweddingbed,tremblingsilentlywiththepain.Shewasnotreallyrunningthroughthedarkwoods,branchesand rocks cutting into her tender feet as she looked straight ahead,knowinghewasrightbehindher. Shewasnotreallytieddown,herarmgraspedfirmlyandtheskinofherhandalreadyscreaminginpainasherhusband,eyesburninghotastheredendofthepoker,remindedhischildbridethatshebelongedtohim,alwaysandforever... Themoonbrokethroughthecloudsjustthen,andtheBaronesslookedawayfromherhands,andoutthewindow. Up the road, she could see the wreckage of something, andmovement.Shesquinted,tryingtoseesomethingmore,andthecarriageapproached faster, accommodating her. Soon, the remains of a large,shatteredpumpkin,alreadyamealforafewhungrymice,werevisible.Andshecouldalsoseeayounggirlinrags,curledintoaball,sobbingintoherhands. Aservant,carryinghomethemaster’spumpkin,whodroppeditand

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fearstheconsequences,theBaronessthoughtasthemoonlightglintedagainstsomethingononeofthegirl’sbarefeet... No.Notbare,theBaronessrealized.Notbareatall. Theshockofthesightsetherfreeagain,andallshewantedwastospringoutofthecarriage,runtothegirl,calltoher.“Isawyoutrusthim,Isawyougooutsidewithhim-Iheardyourscreamsandcriesforhelp,andIwantedtohelpyou,”sheyearnedtosay.“Iwouldhave,butIcouldnotrunintheseshoesofmine,andmystaysarelacedsotightastomakewalkingdifficult,andIwastoofarfromthedoor,andmyhusband...Iwouldhavehelpedyou,mydear,whentheclocktoldmidnight,andIwillhelpyounow.Run!” Forasecond,theBaronessthoughtaboutit-thoughtaboutpushingopenthecarriagedoor,jumpingoutbeforetheBaronhadachancetoreact.Runningtothegirl,takingherhand,disappearingintothegreatwidefieldsofthecountryside. Butthehorsesdidnoteasefromtheirgallop,andasecondwasalltheyneededtoleavethegirlfarbehind,lostinacloudofdust. “Ifinditreassuring,”herhusbandsaid,andsheturnedawayfromthewindow. “Whatisitthatreassuresyou,husband?” “Whatyousaidoftheprinceandhishuntingskills,”hesaid.“Thegirl seemedveryhappywhenHisHighnessescortedheroutside.It isnicetoknowthattheirstorywillhaveahappyending.” Shethoughtofthegirl,dressedinfinerysobeautifulthatitcouldonlyhavecomefromfaeryland,hereyeswideandwondering.Theeyesofagirlatherveryfirstball,theeyesofagirlwhostilldreams. Youarewrong,husband,shethought.Thisisaveryoldstory.Anditneverends.

END

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“Intoxication”Stories and Such from a Drinking Life

byJonJohnson

Mylifehasbeeninfluencedbybeeranddrinkinginmanyways.AsIsitherewritingthisout,thinkingofthehumorous,destructive,fancifulanddownrightillegalthingsthatI’vebeenpartytofromthefirstdaysIrealizedwhatbeerwas,Ibecomesomewhatwistful.Myfamilyalldrinks,withafewexceptions.Somehavequit,someneverstarted.Somedrinktoomuch,someprobablytoolittle,butwhoamItojudge.Ifallinthemiddlethere,sometimestoomuch,sometimesneveratall.Ihavebeerorbeerfacsimilekeepsakesallaboutme.ThereisanemptybottleofGoldenMindsAle,signedbyDaveSimandGerhardonthewindowsill.Thiswasadrinkcreatedandbottledspecificallyfor thenowdefunctWords and PicturesMuseum for theGoldenMinds tourSim did backaround1997orso.Itwasagooddrink,too.IhaveafakecanofDuffBeer,withcardsinside,alicenseoftheSimpsons,obviously.Coastersofboth theSimpsons andFuturama (OldFortranMalt Liquor --GoesDownSmooth!)arescatteredaboutthehouse.T-shirtsofMagicHat,CaptainMorganandJagermeister,allreceivedatpubs,arepartofmyregularwear.Somecallmeadrinker,someadrunk,somecallmebeersnob.Maybethey’reallcorrect.MaybeI’llseethemallburiedbeforeme.Timewilltell.

***

Walkingintoapub,bar,clubortaphouseforthefirsttimecanbeabitdaunting,particularlyforthosecominginalone.Plentyoftheseplacesareawareofthis,sotheyplacefamiliarscenes,pictures,postersandplaquesontheirwallstoamusethenewcomer,makingthemfeelateaseandwelcome.Howmanyplaceshaveyoubeentothathaveashotofyourfavoriteactor,sportsherooramusinganecdotehangingabovethebar?I’veseen“Beer--Gettinguglypeople laidsince1500”orvariationsofthesortinalmosteverybarI’veevertippedaglassin.Ofcourse,weallknowbeerandotheralcoholicconcoctionshavebeengettingpeople,uglyandotherwise,tohavesexformorethan5centuries,butit’sagoodjoke.Simpsonssignshavebeenarelativelyrecentreplacementforoldjokeslikethat,orevenfortheusualIrishtoast.Alightup“BeeristheAnswer”signwithMoeorHomeronitissomethingIhaven’tseenmanyof,butthey’recoming.Myfavoriteoflateisthenowfamousquotethatisplayedasasoundbiteonmanyrockradiostations.“Beer:thecauseof,andsolutionto,mostoflife’sproblems.”IguessthisonthewallisbetterthanapictureofJoeTheismannbreakinghisleg.

***

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IdiscoveredBassAleearlyoninmydrinking,er,career.IrecallthefirsttimeIhadit,atasmall,oddlittlepubinHartfordthatstillexists,withabunchofguysIworkedwithatthetime.WeweremeetingtheretoseeaHartfordWhalersgame,versustheNewYorkRangers. Yes,theHartfordWhalers.Hockey.ItseemslikesuchalongtimeagothatConnecticuthadanNHLteam,oreventhattheNHLhadaseason,doesn’tit? Now,admittedly,BassAle isnoteveryone’smugofbeer. AtthatpointIhadbeenonlydrinkingdomestic,withtheoccasionalbreakintothethen-burgeoning“micro-brew”beers.Now,Ihadgrownupwithallthemeninmyfamilyhavingoneparticularbrandoranotherthattheypreferred.MyfatherwasaPabstdrinker.Myolderbrother,Michelob,mostly.UnclesrangedfromHeinekentoMillertoSchaefer.Somedrankbeerthatdoesn’tevenexistanymore,likeFalstafforKnickerbockerorNarragansett. Nonedrankthedarkstuff, soIwasarookieto itall.AftergettingmymittsaroundapitcherofBass,Ineverlookedback.Basshasthisflavorallit’sown.Abitteraftertastethatmanydon’tcarefor,butwithafine,thoroughlyrichtexturethathasn’tbeencopiedyet.Idoagreethattherearemanybetterbeers,ales,orevenlagers.Still,Bassretainsacertain loyaltythatIcan’tcompromise. Assuch,I’vebeenlabeledaBEERSNOBbyafewofmyfriends,asI’dpreferadarkbeertoaBudweiserorCoors.Idon’tcomplainthatmuchaboutit.HowcanI?Everyonehastheirownpreference,whetherornotit’dbeadecentdrink,suchasGuinness,orabadone,likeNaturalLight.Ofcourse,thatfirstnightwithBasshadit’smoments.WewatchedthishideousgameoftheWhalersandtheRangers,ofwhichthereweremoreRangersfansthanthoseoftheWhale,sippingoutofahiddenflaskwith somewhiskey in it. After a time, Iwas dared to throw a giantpaperairplanemadeofagiveawayposter,ontotheice.That,ofcourse,isano-no.So,Ididit.Andwegotcaught.Somehow,theguardpickedoutmyco-workerthatdaredmetodothedeedandattemptedtotosshim from the stadium. We, being good friends and co-workers aswewere,justlaughedandlethimtwistinthewind!Themostamusingthingwas his defense. “I’m a goodAmerican sir. Iwould never do such athing!”Ogods,wewereinstitcheslisteningtothebullcomingfromhim.Particularlysincehegotawaywithit! The score of the game? A2-2 tie. Nowonder theWhalers leftHartford.

***

Growingupintheseventies,inretrospect,isconsiderablyembarrassing.Theclothes,thehair,thejivetalk,DISCO.Really,whowouldwanttorememberit?Fortunatelyforme,Iwastooyoungtoparticipateinthetruly ugly things happening in that decade. I spentmost ofmy timewatchingtelevisionshowsliketheSuperfriends,WheelieandtheChopper

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BunchandLucan,theWolfBoy.Andbeforeyoulaugh,oviewersandfansof“KnowingisHalftheBattle”and“Thundercats...HO!”havinganoldersisterthatservedagoodlyportionofherlifeintheseventiesprovedtobeafactorofmuchamusementduringsomeofmypartynights.Onenight,Iwasoutatoneofmyfavoritehauntsallbymylonesome.Theplaceinquestionwashostinganannualcustomerappreciation/XmaspartyandIwasn’tonetomissabashlikethat,especiallywhentherewerewomeninvolved.IknowIwaswellintomycupsatthetimeadrinkingbuddyofminepopped in andsharedafewglasseswithme. Thediscjockey,spinningtophitsandrequests,hadstartedtomoveintoaretro-seventieshour,muchtomychagrin.Really,Ihadhopedtoneverhear“CarWash”again,muchlesswhenIwantedtoparty!Mydrinkingbuddy,let’scallhim“Bob,”startedtogetintothemusic.Iwasamusedbyit,hehadabeergutandshuffledlikethegroundhogattheendofthemovieCaddyshack.Now,Bobwasconsiderablyolderthanme.Hemighthavebeenaround38,Imighthavebeen23.Heknewthemoves,hegrewupwiththem.Me?Ihadanoldersisterwhotaughtme.IsurprisedBobwhenIstoodupnexttohimashemovedfromhisowndiscoinfernotoaXanadu,withmefollowingsuit. Yes,Ishowedmanyan onlooker that even someone as young asmyself could have a littleSaturdayNightFever.Ofcourse,ifyouaskedmenow,I’dneverrecallthesteps.NotwithoutasixpackofJohnCourageLagerandashotofRumpleminz.

***

Aswithallthingsdrinking,it’sarollercoasterrideofemotions,funanddanger.Andmostadmittedly,stupidity.Wakingthefollowingmorningafterabingenight,hardpartyingorevenanightyoujustoverdidit,youmayormaynotrecallthestupidthingsyou’vedone.I’vereceivedcallsthenextdayof“whatwereyouthinking?”and“rememberwhenyou...”SometimesI’dbeembarrassed.MostlyI’djustshrugandgoonwithmylife.Iknowpeoplehaveexpectedmetobethelifeofthepartyfromtimetotime,orevenexpectedit.Or,attheveryleast,expectedmetodosomethingsofoolishthatit’dberemembereduntilIwasdead.Thereare people that I’vedrankwith that can tell stories aboutmeeven Icannot,asIdon’thavethememoryofthemorcan’tembellishthemwiththeirpointofview.Sometimesthey’reprettydamnedfunny,othertimesthey’reembarrassingtothepointofignobility. Twoyears ago, I spent fourteenhours, approximately, at a pub inHartfordforSaintPatrick’sDayandIleftrelativelysober,happyandwithtwophonenumbersinmypocket.AndafreeGoldClubcardtoanudiebar. LastyearIgot it inmyheadthatI’dbeatthatrecordoftimespent.Idid,byatleastanhour,possiblymore.Unfortunately,Ididn’tstayrelativelysoberandwasshutoffbymidnight.Iwasawreckbefore5!AlthoughI’llbereturningtothesameplacethisyearformy

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St.Patrick’sDaycelebration,Ican’ttakethedayoffandwon’tbeevenattemptingtobreakanyrecords.NotthatI’dwantto,thatwasaone-timething.MyfriendsandIcanjoketoeachotheraboutourpersonalitiesandfoibleswithout issueofegooranger. Many jokes landonmeandmydrinkingways,evenifsomeofmyfriendsdrinkharderandlongerthanIdo. ProbablybecauseIhavenoissuewithmydrinking,evenwithallofthedumbthingsI’vedone.Oneofmyfriends,Doug,mademelaughhardandlongbysayingthisonce:“I’dneverwantyourliver.”ItwasinthecontextofadiscussionthatI’velongforgotten,butthepunchlineremainedwithme.Itstillmakesmelaugh,andIdon’tknowwhy!

***

I’vecausedsomestrifewithmydrinking.Notjustformyself,butforothers.I’vebeenarrestedtwiceforDrivingUnderIntoxicationandconvictedonce.It’scausedproblemswithfindingajob,gettinginsuranceandkeepingaliscence.It’scausedotherstopre-judgeme,whichisfine.I’vehadtodealwithitandfindwaysaroundit.IwillsaythisabouttheDUIlawsinthestateofConnecticut.Theyareflawedinmyriadwaysandshouldbethinnedouttoamorerealisticoperation.Unfortunately,it’snotgoingtohappen.Thisstatejustwantsthemoneyfromfines,whichisthetypicalwayofaflawedoperation.I’vedatedwomenthathaveeitherblamedmeforallowingdrinktocomebetweenusorfordrivingthemtodrink.AtanypointImightagreewiththem,atotherstomightilydisagree.Myadmirationforagood,darkaleisn’tthecauseofanyofmydifficultiesinanyofmypastrelationships,it’stheoutcomeofhavingafewtoomany.Insomecases,relationships,badorotherwise,havecomefromdrinking.Aswithallthings,thesearetobeexpectedaswell.I’vephysicallydamagedmyselffromtimetotime.Brokentoesfromkicking things during arguments, bruises that last far beyond aweek,cutsfromfallingoniceandthelike.IhaveaknotonmyleftkneethatIgotsometimelastyearafterfallingveryhardonasidewalkoutsideofapub.It’sshrunkentoasmallsize,butit’sstillthere.IwalkedwithalimpfortwoweeksandupuntilamonthagoIcouldn’tsitverylongwithoutitstiffeninguponme.IhaveasmallscaronmyforeheadthatIreceivedonmybirthdayabouttenyearsagofromhittingitonatableandbleedingout.Alcoholthinsthebloodanditwon’tclotquickly.It’sthefirstthingyouforgetwhenyoucutyourselfwhendrinking.Thatandthefactthatyoudon’tfeelpainasyouwouldifyouweren’tinebriated.Strifedoesn’talwaysfollowmeasIdrink,butI’veoccasionallycauseditintentionally.Mostofthetimeatapubwherepeopleareannoyingmeorsomesuch.I’veinstigatedfightsbetweenotherpeopleandwatchedwithgleeastheywerehauledoutofthepub.I’vestoodupformyselfwhenbotheredbyothersthatwouldthinkI’monetobackoutofafight

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asI’mnotbuiltlikeaSchwarzenegger.Inallmytimedrinking,I’vebeeninrelativelyfewphysicaldisagreements.I’veneverbackeddownfromany,butIhavesaidnotoafewthattookadisliketomeandwantedto“meetmeoutside.” That’s always a good laugh,watching the reactionwhenyousayno.Thenagain,itinstigatesasmuchassaying“no”itself.Afriendofmine,Vinny,callsthese instigations“lobbingthegrenade.”Doingthissortofthing,ifyoulikelaughsofstrifeandchaos,areevenfunwhensober.Tryitsometime.

***

NoteverythingI’vedonewhilepartyingisdark,sinisteranddamagingtothesoul.I’vehadsomeincredibleamountsoffun,likeanygoodpersonwithabeerinonehandandhalfathoughtintheother.Thetimesofsillyfun,singingkaraokewithothersinthevoiceofWatto,thatlamecharacterfromStarWars:ThePhantomMenace,doingmy impersonationofBillMurrayinCaddyshacktowinstupidprizes,talkingtoother,moredrunkpeopleandchangingmynameconstantly,meetinggirlsandpretendingtobesomethingI’mnot, likeaScottish immigrant. I’vethrownFestivusparties,MemorialDaybashesthatlastuntilallhours,burnpartieswhereweroastupanythingthatwillturntoashandthenow-infamousChaosLiberationPartythatI’veneverbeenabletoreplicate.Atvariouscomicbook gatherings and conventions, I’ve had drinks and talks with someamazingpeopleandtalent.MentionRuneContoaselectgroupofcreatorsandwatchthereactions.Thenlistentothestories. DuringsomeofmypubforaysI’vemetsomeincredibly interestingpeople. I’ve watched as some of these people married off, rose toheightsofgreatpersonalsuccessorastaidmodicumofstability.I’veseenothersfallhardtothebottomofdetriumanddebtandsomeclimbfromthathole.OthersI’veseenwallowinmiseryandcontinueddecay.I alwaysretainmyfriendlinesswith thesefolk,even if someof themfalltothepointofneedingrealhelp.Unfortunatelyforsome,youjustcan’thelpthemandtheyfallfurther.It’sasadfact,butwhenyouknowasmanypeopleasIdo,it’sthelawofaverages.OrevenMurphy’sLaw.Ifyoudon’tbelieveineither,youcouldjustcallitthewalkoflifeandacceptwhatoccursaroundyou. BillyJoel, a songwriterIdon’t reallycareallthatmuchfor,hasaballadcalled“ThePianoMan”thatallbutencompassesmylifeandthosearoundme.Ithinkitcouldbesaidforanyonethatfrequentsdrinkingestablishments.Superimposenamesofpeopleyouknowintothesongandyouhaveyourownlife,orafragmentofit.Iknowcops,waiters,waitresses,singers,musicians,bookeepers,stateworkers,insurancesalespeople.Alljobs,allwalks,allbarbuddies.HowmanycanIcallactualfriends?Some.Beingfriendlywiththemisenoughtobringoutthebest,evenwithafewdrinksinyou.

***

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NotlongagoIcameacrossabooklistedinthePreviewscataloguethatIhadtohave,nomatterwhat.ItwaslistedasTheBigBookOBeerbyDuaneSwierczynski.Big?Beer?Book?Hell,whatdrinkingmanwouldn’twantsomethinglikethat?Whenitarriveditquicklybecameoneofmyfavoritepurchasesoftheyear.Coveringeverythingfrombrewinghistorytothegreatbreweriesoftheworld,tolocationsofsomeofthegreatestdrinkingspotsontheglobe,itentertainsimmeasurably.It’swittyinit’sreminiscienttone,interestingintheinternationalfocusandhassurprisesthatmakemechuckleevennow.Thefactyoucanreaduponthewriter’sfavoritebeers,thebasiccompanyhistoryofbreweries likeMillerandthengettheplansonmakingabeercanairplanejustmakesmegiddy.Ihighlyrecommendfindingacopyofthebook,eitheratagoodstoreorthroughAmazon.com,whereIhavepostedabrief,postitivecomment.ThenemailDuaneandtellhimItoldyoutoreadthebook.Hemightevenoffertobuyyouabeer.

***

Workwasabitchandyouhadthedesiretosuckdownafewbrewsatyourfavoriteginjoint.Theweekwasn’tquitefinishedyet,butwhothehellcared,yourjobsucksandyouneedadrinktoeaseoffthefrustration.Youpassedthroughthedoor,wavinggliblyatafewofyourfellowbarbuddiesandorderedatallcoolonefromthenew,hotbartenderyouaresureyou’llhitonbytheendofthenight.Downingafewofthe“HappyHourSpecials”givesyouabuzzyou’relikelytosurpassinafewhours,butyoufeelbetter,evenifabandissettingupearlyandyou’dratherjustwatcharerunonESPNClassic.Afewgirlsfromsomelocaladagencystop inandall of themen in theplacestareuncomfortably into theirdrinksandshootoccasionalpeeksatthem,admiringfromtheirstools.Thisamusesyouandyouorderanotherdrink,pleasedyouaren’tthem.Thebandstartstoplaysomesappy,crappyfusionjazzyoucan’tstand,buthowlformoreanyway. You’redrinkingtogetdrunkandyouknowyou’llprobablycalloutofworkthenextday,buthey.It’syourlifeandyou’refeelingfinenow.Beer.Adrinkofchoice.

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Neil Harmeyer is looking forward to takingsometimeoff,enjoyingthesummermonths,going camping with the Neb, spending timewith his beautiful wife, Megan. Things haveneverbeensogood.

C. Benjamin “Neb” Girven was last seenchasing after his (now crawling) son. If youhappentoseehim,donotapproachormakeany sudden movements, as he is consideredtired and short-tempered. Contact localauthorities,(and/orhiswife).Foryoursafety,andthesafetyofothers,justrunaway!!!

BorninVilvorde(Belgium)in1968,Yann Beelen wasdignosedwithMarfanSyndromattheageof 12, and autismwas detected in 1996.HestartedtolearninformaticsinalocalhighschoolinBrusselsbutchangedtonightschool,learnedABC computer, professional psychology,english,andfrench.Heworkedwitharussian

firm,Nival,onthegameEtherlords(YannisknowasDrdoomonthelocalforum),andalsodidbeta-testingfortheonlinemodeofEtherlordsII,Yanniscurrentlyunemployed,livingathome,andisahugecomicsfanatic(enjoyingtitlessuchasFantasticFourandtheAvengers),likesdragons,andisafanofhistory.

Ed Quinbyisashaggyfunlover,alwaysreadyforarompandplaywithcompanions,orjustsleep the day away. Sure he has a droolingproblem and his hygiene is perhaps suspect(he’ddrinkfromthetoilet ifyou’d lethim),butwarmthfairlyradiatesfromhimand,boy,doeshelovethebitches!No,wait--that’sEd’sdog.

The talentless hack Jon Johnson, knowntomany as “SirJon” is nothingmore than adrinking,writing,chaoticanomoly.HelivesinConnecticutwithonecatandwatchesoverhisonlyson,Mason.He’salsolookingforajob.

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Amanoftoomanytalentsandtoolittletime,Andrew Elbendariisafreelancecomicartistwho is always learning and always willing totakeonanyartrelatedtask.Tofindoutmorecheckout:GOTTADRAW.COM

Brandon Ford Doddsworks in livetelevisionproductionsrunningvideocamerasaswellasengineering. He loves drawing cartoons andstudiedStudioArtatKentStateUniversity.Brandonplaysdrumsandhasproducedcoverartwork for various bands and is currentlyworkingonhisowncreatorownedcomic.

Brian A. DixonisawriterandeducatorteachingliteratureattheUniversityofRhodeIsland.HisshortfictionhasmostrecentlyappearedinthepagesofDeadLettersmagazine.HeisalsotheeditorofRevelation,themagazineofapocalypticartandliterature.

Christopher RiceisgratefultoNeilHarmeyerand Ben Girven, without whose vision thisdreamwouldnothavecometrue.Healsolovesbananas and is a proudmember of BoredomStudios.

J.M. “The Beast” Hunter, creator of theupcomingNote2SelfcomicnowresideswithinCarlsbad,SouthernCalifornia.Hepromisestoridtheworldofallsheepandmakeonenicewarm blanket of non-comformity for futuregenerations. So that they can cuddle under.(It’snowonderhe’sstillsingle.)

Matt Putnam-Pouliot is a cartoonist andadmirerofanythingwithsixlegsandmandibles.HecurrentlylivesinAlbany,NYwithhiswifeChrisandtwocats.He’dliketothankNeilandBenforalltheworkthey’veputintoECPandforgivingalluscontributorsachancetoshowourstuff.

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Christopher Woerner is a writer/artist/musicianfromNebraska.Treathimnicely.Orelse.

Frank Carrera III is your average 30 yearoldmanwiththeuncannyabilitytojustnevergrowup.(Andalsocan’trememberhistimestablestosavehislife...)HelovestheHoustonTexans, Madden 2005, WWE Smackdown:Shut Your Mouth and Metal Gear Solid 3:SnakeEater.HealsohasaBlackBeltthathiswifeboughtforhimatJCPenny’s.

Frankie Carrera IV is your average 9 yearold boy with the uncanny ability to masteranyvideogamewithin24hours.(Yethecan’trememberhistimestablestosavehislife...)HelovestheHoustonTexans,Madden2005,WWESmackdown:ShutYourMouthandMetalGearSolid3:SnakeEater.HealsohasaBlack

BeltinthemartialartsofTaeKwonDo.

Liz Miller lives, writes, and works in LosAngeles, California. A recent graduate oftheUSCSchoolofCinema-Television’sFilmicWritingprogram,shehasspentthepasttwoyearsreadingwaytoomanycomicbooksandworkingintheexcitingworldsofgraphicdesign,screenplay reading, and phone answering. A

regularcontributer tothewebzinesBookslutandOstrichInk, she is currently working on her sixth screenplay, acollectionofshortstories,andanoriginalcomic.Shedoesnotgetalotofsleep.

Max Allende’shistoryhasbeena pretty scattered mess thatdroppedhimintothewonderfulcity ofAlbuquerque. Hewas in themilitaryforashorttime;trainedinSanAntonio,andBiloxiMI.Aftertraininghewasdroppedoffhere at the Air Force Research Laboratory

andworkedasanetworktechnician. Inthattimehewasmarried(or“marred,”dependingonhowyoulookatit.)Butlikeallmarriagestomilitarypersonnel,theyneverlast.HenowworksforGECapital,andisworkingmoreonhisart.

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Gentlemen, what would you each say you’ve taken away from this experience? What lessons have you learned during the course of this project?

Neil:Well,asclicheasitsounds,theoldadage‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’ comestomind.Weboth knew going into this thinglastyear,whenwewerefirsttalkingaboutit,committed to it, and presented it, that thiswas going to be a HUGE year in regards tomanydifferentaspectsofourpersonal lives,and I know, even though we had budgetedforcertainthingsfortheyear,wecouldnotforeseealltheeventualitiesthatspranguponus.Itwasprobablyourbestyearever,butalsooneofthebusiestandmoststressful.IguessonelessonIwouldtakeisnottoovercommitmyself... but at the same time, sometimes,that’showgreat thingsaredone,bypushingyourselfandsmackingthatwallwithyourheadacoupletimes.Hm...maybeIhaven’tlearnedadamnthingbythisafterall.

Neb:Haha,yeah...goingin,Ithinkwethoughtthiswouldbeahelluvaloteasierthanitendedupbeing.Ithinkwewerealittlenaiveaboutwhatkindoftimeweweregonnaneedtoputthese books together. But in some respectstoo,itWASeasier,andIthinkabigportionofthathastodowiththecontributors.Forthemostpart,theymadethiswholeprojectprettysmooth.Imean,sure,wehadahiccuportwo,hereandthere,butnotnearlyasbadIasIwasexpecting...andoverallIthinkeveryonedidatremendousjobofstickingtoguidelines,andmakingourjobseasier.Idoagreethough,this last year has been FULL of surprisesandbigevents inbothour lives,and insomerespects,I’mgladthatwehadanopportunitytosharethem withall thepeoplewhowerekindenoughtojoininourlittleadventure.

What do you feel were the strengths of this anthology series? Weaknesses?

Neb:Ithinksomeofthegreateststrengthscame from the group of guys and gals thatjumpedonboardthisproject.Thequalityofcontributionswegotwerefarexceedingourexpectations, and everyonewho contributed,both seasoned and novice artists/writersalike, brought a level of professionalism tothisthatIdon’tthinkwewereexpecting.Andour greatestweakness overall, has definitelybeenourschedules,andnotmeetingthelasttwodeadlinesthatwewereshootingfor.

Neil:Iwouldagreewiththat,totally.Wewerevery fortunate to have attracted a prettydiversifiedgroupofpeoplethatreallysteppedup,and,inmostcases,reallyknockeditoutofthepark.Plus,Iwasreally impressedthatsomany people stuck with the goal, and actuallycontributed to all 4 anthologies! Big props toFrank(Carrera),(JM)Hunter,Breeze(BrandonDodds),andBrian(A.Dixon)fortakingthetimetohumorourlittlethemedexercisesandplayinoursandboxthispastyear.Wereallycouldnothavedone itwithouttheseguys.Buteveryonewho submitted something, really inspired thehelloutofme.And,inallhonesty,theireffortsreallydrovethisbook,evenwhenthe interestonourendsmayhavebeenlagging.OneofthethingsIwasfrustratedwith,wasfeelingthatIwasn’tabletoconcentrateonthisprojectasmuch as Iwould have liked.Or get out thereand“sell” it,todrivethecirculationup.That’ssomethingIhopetorectifyonceECP4’sonsale.Ispentsomuchtimerecruitingtalent,talkingit up, trying to generate interest andworkingonmyownsubmissions,orcreative input, thatthere was no time left for hitting the streetwithit.

Neb:Yeah, and that’s somethingI reallyhopeto rectify as well, by dedicating a chunk ofegocomics.com specifically for ECP, as well asreally promoting it through our website, andgivingitalotmorevisibility

Neil: I think that’ll look great! Plus, all thecontributorswillbeabletolinktoit,too,tohelpgettheirownnamesoutthere.

Describe your thoughts, after opening the package for the first issue, and ‘finally’ holding Ego Comics Presents in your hand. Was it different for the 2nd issue, or the 3rd?

Neil:Gosh.Ihatetosayit,butitactuallyfeltanticlimactic!Idon’tknowwhatIwashopingtofeel,butIthinkthatpartofitwassincetheNebandIwereSOinvolvedinputtingittogetheritwaslikewe’dalreadybeenthereanddonethat!Seriously,Iwasmoreinterestedinseeingalltheothercontributorsreactionstoit,andreactingtoeachothers’subs.Iwilladmit,though,IwasveryimpressedwiththequalitythatCafePressprintedthesebooksat.WhenIfirstgot“Sci-FifortheMind’sEye” (thefirstsquare-boundcover),Iwasblownawaybyhowcoolitlooked.(Granted,partofthatmayhavejustbeenmereactingtotheNeb’skickasscover!)

The “Egos” Behind Ego ComicsA brief interview with neil & Neb

about their experiences working on ECP

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Neb:Yeah...therewasdefinitelyasensethatwe’dalreadyseenallthisstuff...Iguessthat’sone of the problems with the ‘production’sideofthis.Idoeskindatakea littlebitofthe ‘magic’ out of it. But, I was definitelyimpressed with the printing. I didn’t knowquitewhattoexpect,andImustadmit,thatmy expectations weren’t very high... chalk ituptoworkinginaprintshop,andseeing‘crap’get passed off as ‘quality work’. But I wasdefinitely impressed with the final product.Thefirstcouple“thumb-thru’s”,forme,weremore checking for errors. Trying to findmistakesthatImayhavemadeintheprocess.And,withtheexceptionofamisspellednameonthe3rd issue,Ithinkwedidprettydarngood!Therewereacoupleminortweakshereand there thatwe caught, but for themostpart it wasn’t stuff that anyone else wouldprobably pick up on. The second issue wasprettycool.Thesquarebindingwasatreat...andturnedoutbetterthanexpected...andIwasgladthatthecoverturnedoutwell.Thethirdone,Igottasay,Iwasjusthappyitwasdone!

Neil: Word. And I wouldn’t have suggestedCafePresshadInotbeenexposedtoBrian’sRevelation‘zine.

How would you say the overall response has been to this series? (Meaning, family, friends, other creators, etc.)

Neb: Well, with these books, unfortunately,aswiththecoupleofotherbookswe’vedone,the family (for the most part) hasn’t reallyseemedto ‘get’ it.It’saproblemofmedium,I suppose... either you ‘get’ comics, or youdon’t...andwhiletheyusuallyappreciatethatwedid‘something’Ithinkit’skindofashamethattheyusuallydon’tunderstandit.Friendshowever, have overall been very impressedwiththisseries.Andthat’sreallyreassuring.Andthefeedbackfromtheothercreatorsiswhat keeps us going!!! This is a book, by thefans,forthefans!!!

Neil: I hear ya, though. I have never had anyfamilyspecificallyrespondtoanyshortstoryIhavewritten.Idon’tknowthatthey’veevenreadanyofthe“RevefNibac”pieces!ItisfrustratingformebecauseitexposesanotherpartofwhoIam...apartofmethatthesepeopledonotknow.AndIwouldbeinterestedintheirthoughtsandquestions. I have found that the contributorshave been the greatest source of critique andinterest.Weallspeakthesamelanguage.Attheendoftheday,that’swhatwedidthisfor,us.

What are your thoughts now, as you’re wrapping up the 4th issue?

Neil:Ifeellikewescratchedanitch.Ithinkitwasagreatwaytocapoffthisphaseofourjourney.Weweren’tinaplacewherewecouldstepupandtellthestorywe’vebeenmeaningtotellalltheseyears,butwewereabletoPROVEittoourselvesthatweCANdothis,weCANputthesebookstogether.Iamproudofwhatwe’veaccomplishedwiththis.I’mproudtohavesecured some excellent friendships and metsomeawesomeartistsbecauseofthisseries.Wereachedoutandtouchedsomepeople,andsincethesewillbeavailableinperpetuity(oruntilweburntheinternetdown)wepromisetotouchevenmorepeopleastimegoeson.Havingsaidthat,though,I’malsohappyit’scomingtoaclose.We’veputsomethingsonhold,andit’llbenicetogetbacktothosepriorities.AndI’msureourwiveswillagree!

Neb:True ‘dat! I agreecompletely.Thishasbeen a great experience, not only becauseofthebooksthemselves,butbecauseofthepeople that we’ve met along the way. I’vebeen really excited to both give creatorsan opportunity to get their stuff published(whichifyouhaven’teverdoneitbeforecanbeabigscarymess),andtohavecollaboratedwithsomereallygreatpeople...whohavebothinspiredme,andmotivatedmetogetmyselfgoing.

Alternately, this whole thing was originallyconceived as a sort of ‘side-project’ forus, giving us a bit of a break from our ownproperty, and letting us get in some reallygood (muchneeded)practice... andIthink ithasdoneanexcellentjobofthat...butasNeilsaid,we’rebothexcitedtobemovingbacktoour own story, and concentrating on gettingthattold.

Neil: Having said all that, this has been awondrousexperience,andI’dbelyingifIsaidthat theNeb and Iwere completely againsteverproducingmoreofthesebooks.Wesetour4 issue,“quarterly”goalwiththisseries,and accomplished it, and the experiencewassimplytooawesometosay“neveragain!”

We’llseewhatthefutureyields.

Thanks again to everyone who helped maketheseissuesasuccess.WeCOULDhavedoneitwithoutyou...butwhatwouldhavebeenthefuninthat!?

-Neil & Neb!

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