Effective Communication Skills€¦ · Web view© Heather Gordon | Professional Training &...

Effective Communication Skills

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© Heather Gordon | Professional Training & Coaching | www.heathergordon.scot

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Understanding Communication

Communication is often taken for granted; after all, it is something we do on a daily basis. However, it is one of the most important aspects of your life and touches on all areas including, your career, home life, friendships, relationships as well as interactions with total strangers.

Being able to communicate effectively means making the most of all these situations; it will enable you to build rapport, develop relationships and feel comfortable and confident around others. People who can communicate effectively are great at getting others to open up and discuss feelings and emotions. They are able to respond appropriately during difficult conversations and feel less pressure when communicating with superiors and peers.

There is a famous quote by Tony Robbins the motivational speaker and author that says…

Our interpretation of this quote:

Have you ever been around someone who becomes a drain on your energy? Everything they say is framed in a negative way and they become known as a troublemaker or certainly someone you don’t want to be around too often. Obviously their method of communicating influences the attitude of the people around them. But think also about how this communication style affects their personal quality of life. It is likely that this outwardly negative communication also festers inwardly and makes for a very dissatisfied outlook on life. Certainly it makes other people avoid discussions with this person that they feel will only leave them feeling unhappy.


It is important to take a positive approach to communication and remember that people are hugely influenced by what you say and how you say it. The best communicators know that to get the best out of others, you need to stimulate and engage with them.

If you always frame things in a positive way and take care what you communicate about (e.g. avoid gossip and criticisms), the odds are you will feel better and attract interested and interesting people. You will also have a positive mindset and spot more opportunities. The ability to communicate is not an innate skill and it is something we can and should develop as we progress through life. Unfortunately, most do not take the time to focus on how well they communicate and leave this important element to chance. Those who do take the time to develop this key skill will likely find that they are pleasantly surprised by the results they find.

What is Communication?

We have taken a collection of definitions of ‘communication’ from several different dictionaries and other sources and formulated this collection into our own succinct definition, which is…

The successful sharing of ideas, feelings and information.

The key element of this, and something that is often missed, is that communication is two-way process, which means that in order for communication to be effective, it must produce a shared understanding of intention and meaning. This doesn’t necessarily mean a shared agreement is reached, but certainly all people involved in the communication will appreciate the context and implication of the message.

Although communication seems a predictable, clear event, it rarely works out like that because human behaviour alters how we send and receive messages and consequently how things are finally interpreted. Communication can become uncertain and unpredictable because it is influenced by our general nature as human beings.

There are three key components to communication, which are…

Verbal, Paraverbal and Non-Verbal

Communication involves the three components; non-verbal, verbal and paraverbal in order to communicate effectively, you will use all three of these elements, which will allow you to both send clear messages and be able to receive and understand messages sent to you.


Verbal

This is simply the use of words to convey thoughts and feelings.

Paraverbal

This is the inflection, tone and pitch that we put into the words we say, which can alter the message we are trying to get across. It works by changing the emphasis of what we are saying by altering the way things sound when we say them. It’s your paralanguage that will give your communication its personality and unique style in order to convey the specific message you are trying to get across.

When we use paralanguage, we intone our communication with the attitudes and feelings we have about what we are trying to communicate. When you are stressed about what you are saying you might rise to a higher pitch and speak faster, or if you are bored or disinterested you may slow your pace down and become lower in tone.

An example of paralanguage completely altering a statement is…

“I didn’t say you were stupid”



You’ll notice that by placing the emphasis on a different word in the sentence, you alter its meaning considerably.

Non-verbal

This is the gestures, posture, facial expressions and body language that send a message without the use of words. This non-verbal communication is often what gives away clues as to the true meaning of the words that we speak and people can interpret a different message from something simple such as a certain look or movement that gives away our attitudes or feelings.

Typically, non-verbal communication will work with our verbal communication to help determine the message we are trying to get across. However, non-verbal communication can also work on its own and people can communicate with just a look or shrug at the right time.

These three main components of communication all work to make up the message you convey. It is these elements that will truly demonstrate your thoughts, feelings and attitude about your message.


Communication Styles - Exercise

Becoming aware of your communication style and those of other people is a good place to start when you want to improve your communication skills.

Each person has a unique way of communicating. Listen to your own speech.

What sorts of words do you use?

Which sort of body language and what tone of voice do you often use?

In what situations and under what circumstances does your communication style change?

Now, think of someone who you regard as a good communicator.

Who do you know who can explain things clearly, who listens and understands what others are talking about?

What is it about the way they communicate that you like?

Compare your style to theirs.


Communication Style Questionnaire

Let's look more closely at your communication style. There are many communication models; improving your communication skills will become easier once you are aware of your own communication style; how you express yourself and how others perceive you.

The questionnaire below will help you to identify your communication approaches and attitudes.

Tick or type ‘Y’ for the statements that apply to you…

1. I often do more talking than listening. A

2. I am more interested in facts than feelings. T

3. If I get interrupted, I find it difficult to get back into the flow of what I was saying.

L

4. I often check to make sure I've understood what other people have said.

C

5. I prefer to talk about things rather than think about them. A

6. I change the way I talk depending on whom I'm talking to (for example, I speak more slowly and clearly with someone whose first language is not English; I avoid using work-related jargon when talking with someone who doesn't work in the same type of job as I do).

C

7. I like to listen to information that will help me solve a problem or give me new ideas.

T

8. I can express my ideas clearly. A

9. I like conversations and discussions to keep to the point. L

10. I often have difficulty putting my thoughts or feelings into words. T

11. I encourage other people to talk, and I ask appropriate questions. C

12. When other people become emotional around me, I'm not sure how to react.

T

13. I use diagrams and charts to help express my ideas. T

14. I often get so caught up in what I’m saying that I’m unaware of the reactions of my listeners.

A

15. Before I send a message, I think about the most relevant way to communicate it (in person, over the phone, in a note, email or text).

L

16. I like to make “to do” lists and cross things off as I complete them.

L


17. I often do more listening than talking. C

18. I enjoy conversations and discussions that take place at the same time as doing something else.

A

19. I take time to find the right words that will clearly express what I want to say.

T

20. I can tell when someone doesn't understand what I'm saying. C

21. When talking to people, I pay attention to their body language. C

22. I like meetings to follow an agenda and a timetable. L

23. I will stop a speaker in mid-sentence if I disagree with a statement they have made.

A

24. If I don't understand something, I tend to keep it to myself and figure it out later.

T

25. I try to divert or end conversations that don't interest me. A

26. To be really clear, I like to see things in writing. L

27. I find it easy to see things from someone else's point of view. C

28. I get straight to the point in emails. L

29. If I find a conversation boring, I'll let my mind drift away. A

30. My body language and gestures are quite controlled. T

31. If I'm writing a formal letter or one with difficult or sad news, I often write it out several times before I send it.

C

32. If I have something relevant to add, I'll interrupt someone to ensure my views are heard.

A

33. I accept differences and conflict as a normal part of any work environment, and I know how to address them constructively.

L

34. I am completely at ease when a conversation shifts to the topic of feelings.

C

35. I try to anticipate and predict possible causes of confusion, and I deal with them up front.

L

36. I enjoy leading a conversation (e.g. choosing the topic, controlling the pace).

A

37. I present my ideas so that others are receptive to my point of view.

T

Communication Questionnaire adapted from: Gill Hasson, Brilliant Communication Skills.


Now add up how many of each letter you ticked or places a ‘y’ beside..

ALCT

If you ticked mostly A’s you are an Active communicator.

If you ticked mostly L’s you are a Logical communicator.

If you ticked mostly C’s you are a Connector.

If you ticked mostly T’s you are a Thinker.

If (which is quite likely) you had similar scores on two or more communications styles, you use a combination of styles and communicate in different ways in different situations.


Active Communicators

‘Active’ communicators come across as direct and confident in discussions, regardless of the extent of their knowledge on the subject. They will quickly state their point, summarise discussions, and make decisions. They don’t like to be interrupted or excluded and will fill any silences or pauses.

Active communicators are individuals whose words and body language are expressive. The words they use in conversations will make an impact and may often bend the rules of etiquette.

You may recognise members of you team who act this way and you may be aware that they have a tendency to talk things up. Their ability to listen to others is often overshadowed by their enthusiasm for talking and being part of the discussion.

Logical Communicators

There are other individuals who, like Active communicators, express their opinions with conviction, but who otherwise have quite different attributes. ‘Logical’ communicators can be recognised by their respectful and practical manner. You can often identify these individuals by their tendency to use their own past experiences to inform them about how current issues should be dealt with.

Logical communicators like a logical framework for their communications, i.e. timed agendas that are adhered to, and a stated aim. They prefer to see supporting written evidence and tend to judge people by how they deliver what they say they will do.

You will also hear Logical communicators frequently using language of extremes. For example:

- That type always do… - You’ll never get them to accept…

Connector Communicators

There are others within your team that can be singled out because they always try to prevent discussions becoming confrontational and have a need to involve everyone. These individuals are ‘Connector’ communicators, born diplomats who are tactful and considerate of others in the discussion and of their point of view.

Their style of communication makes them approachable and empathetic. They often encourage general discussions at the start of a meeting so that they can gain an understanding of each person.


You can see that these individuals with their intuitive ways and affinity with the feelings of others will irritate the Logical and Active communicators. But Connectors are good to have in discussions because they will carefully consider an issue before voicing their opinion, thereby often bringing balance into discussions.

Thinker Communicators

The trait of thinking before speaking is a characteristic Connectors share with ‘Thinker’ communicators. But there the similarities end. Thinker communicators will be objective, while Connectors tend to be subjective. Those who have a Thinker communications style seek out facts and figures rather than feelings to support what they say. Without such supporting evidence such individuals are reluctant to speak. They will portray controlled body language throughout conversations whether they are talking or listening.

You can recognise the Thinkers in your team because they will be individuals who are happy to talk about abstract ideas and strategies. Their communications are most effective in small rather than large groups.

Combiner Communicators

The characteristics of the ‘Combiner’ communicators mean that they are able to adapt themselves to suit their audience. They can be objective or direct. They can lead discussions and draw in contributions from others.

Such individuals show respect to others and have the ability to draw together disparate conversations into a coherent argument that aids decision-making. They are comfortable with using facts as well as relying on their intuition. Their adaptability and skills in reading and matching situations make them excel when communicating.

Remember, even Combiners have a preferred style, so the best way to emulate them is to watch how these individuals adapt their natural communication style. These observations will help you to understand how they use their body language, words, and behaviours to alter their style of communication.

Most people have a preferred style, or combination of styles that they use when they communicate. Each person’s communication style is a unique combination of their own innate skills, as well as those learnt from experience or from other people. Effective communicators learn to adapt their style to suit the situation and will also identify other people’s style, so that they can communicate more successfully.


Communication Attitude

Characteristics of Assertive Communication

Definition:

A way of communicating our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in an open, honest manner without violating the rights of others

It is an alternative to being aggressive where we abuse other people’s rights and passive where we abuse our own rights.

Pros:

The more you stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect, the higher your self esteem

Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly Expressing yourself directly at the time means that resentment doesn’t

build up If you are less driven by the needs of self‐protection and less preoccupied

with self-consciousness then you can see and hear others more easily

Cons:

It can be difficult to be assertive You are reshaping beliefs and values you have held since childhood and

this can be frightening There is no guarantee of outcome There is often pain involved in being assertive

Characteristics of Aggressive Communication

Definition:

You stand up for your personal rights and express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way that is usually inappropriate and always violates the rights of the other person

People often feel devastated by an encounter with an aggressive person Superiority is maintained by putting others down When threatened you attack

Pros:


You get others to do your bidding Things tend to go your way You are less vulnerable You like the feeling of being in control Release of tension You feel powerful

Cons:

Your behaviour will create enemies and resentment in those around you. This can result in a sense of paranoia and fear

If you are always trying to control others it can be difficult for you to relax Your relationships will tend to be based on negative emotions and are

likely to be unstable Aggressive people tend to feel inferior deep down and try to compensate

for that by putting others down Feelings of guilt and shame Decreasing self-confidence and self-esteem

Characteristics of Passive Communication

Definition:

Not expressing honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Therefore, allowing others to violate your rights. Can also mean expressing thoughts and feelings in an apologetic, self‐effacing way – so that others easily disregard them.

Violating your own rights. Also sometimes showing a subtle lack of respect for the other person’s

ability to take disappointments, shoulder some responsibility, or handle their own problems.

Pros:

Praised for being selfless, a good sport Rarely blamed if things go wrong because you haven’t usually shown

initiative Others will protect and look after you Avoid, postpone or hide conflict so in short term can lead to reduction of

anxiety

Cons:


Sometimes prone to build up of stress and anger that can explode in a really aggressive manner

Others often make unreasonable demands of you Can get stuck in unhealthy relationships and find it difficult to change Restrict self into other people’s image of a good person When repressing anger and frustration this diminishes other more positive

feelings in you Loss of self esteem

Characteristics of Passive-aggressive Communication

Definition:

Indirect and dishonest expression of feelings, opinions and needs A manipulative approach that aims to control others without seeming to Not saying what you think and feel and going along with others when you

do not agree with them Prefer to be quiet and agreeable

Pros:

True feelings are hidden, so you can feel in control Can be seen as being flexible and easy going You likely feel in control even though outwardly you show otherwise Can influence through deception Often gain friends through manipulation

Cons:

Your behaviour will create enemies and resentment in those around you when you are ‘found out’

If you are always trying to control others it can be difficult for you to relax Your relationships will tend to be based on negative emotions and are

likely to be unstable Like aggressive people - tend to feel inferior deep down and try to

compensate for that by trying to control others Feelings of guilt and shame Decreasing self-confidence and self-esteem

It’s easy to see that ‘assertive communication’ is the attitude you should be aiming for and using this approach should help eliminate communication barriers, as assertiveness is a key principle of effective communication.

Communicate Confidently


Being an effective communicator is often about how confident you feel when communicating. It is usually easy to communicate when everything is positive and works on your terms, but even effective communicators will find communication difficult when they face strong emotions, become misunderstood or are challenged by someone when they weren’t expecting it. A good communicator is able to communicate confidently, even when they might not feel comfortable in the situation. So what makes some people confident communicators?

Take action and responsibility

Don’t fret about communication that needs to take place. Take ownership of the situation and be prepared to enter communication situations rather than hiding away from them. Good communicators prepare for conversations and take responsibility by being ready to engage with others no matter what the circumstances. This can seem daunting at first, but with practice becomes second nature.

Focus on courage, not fear

People that struggle with communication tend to focus on the negative and build anxiety about talking with others. Confident communicators know that they have to start somewhere and will focus on their positive points to build courage.

Speak from the heart

Don’t be scared to show your feelings on a topic and share your emotions. If you feel passionately about something, let people know. They will usually find your enthusiasm infectious and engaging.

Build trust through empathy

Showing empathy for others, that is letting them know you understand their feelings, is a great way to build trust and make communication easier and quicker. Empathy doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with what the other person is saying, merely that you appreciate their position and will not let any differences you may have hinder the communication.

The most important aspect of developing a confident approach to communication is to practice, practice, practice. Make a habit of talking to people wherever you go and this will soon turn into a routine. You can overcome any anxieties you might have about communicating simply by doing it every day. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? If someone is not prepared to communicate with you, simply put it down to experience and move on to someone that is.

Your Communication Strengths


Exercise: Refer back to the ‘Communication Style Questionnaire’ that you completed earlier. Review your responses to this questionnaire and pick out two of the key strengths that you identified.

Next, write these strengths down in the table below. Following this is a place for you to provide examples of when and where you use these strengths in different scenarios. Please fill this in too.

Your Strength:

Examples of how and when you’ve used the strength.

At work:

With friends:

In public:

Your Strength:

Examples of how and when you’ve used the strength.

At work:

With friends:

In public:

Active Listening


Hearing and listening have quite different meanings. Hearing is a passive occurrence that requires no effort. Listening, on the other hand, is a conscious choice that demands your attention and concentration. When you hear what people are saying, the sounds have no significance until you place meaning to the words.

Active listening takes things on from simply listening. This is a structured communication technique that means you must make a conscious effort to understand what people are saying as well as the meaning behind their words. It helps build empathy and trust between the people communicating and ensures the correct message is being understood.

If you want to become a better listener, you should learn the techniques of active listening.

Active listening is not just sitting in silence while someone else talks. The skills of active listening can be summed up in the ‘Listen’ mnemonic…

Look interested: Whether or not you are listening, your posture and body language will send messages. A very casual, "laid back" posture may be your natural style, but an upright, slightly leaning forward posture will indicate interest. Good eye contact and occasional nodding will reinforce the message.

Inquire with questions: Clarification (rather than challenging) with questions will confirm your desire to understand fully.

Stay on target: Do not be tempted to stray off the main subject - this would undermine the original purpose of the communication.

Test understanding: Summarising as a means of testing your understanding will prove that you have been listening and assimilating.

Evaluate the message: What are the implications of the message? Reflect these back to ensure that the impact of the message is right.

Neutralise your feelings: The message might generate strong feelings in you. If you show your feelings you may bias the message or block it completely. Respond to the message later.

If you are actively listening then the speaker will feel understood and will therefore be encouraged to engage more openly in conversation. As the listener, you will understand not only the message, but also the feelings of what is being conveyed. You will fully appreciate the message being delivered by the speaker.

Clarifying and Questioning


Questioning encourages open communication and tests knowledge or attitudes depending on the type of questions asked. A single question can be asked in a number of different ways and each way will elicit a different response.

You can effectively use questioning skills by being aware of the different styles of questions that can be asked. You can use a variety of styles and know when a particular question will have the most impact. Remember to give the speaker time to formulate a response following a question.

Questions can be open or closed.

Open – How, When, Which, Why, What, Who

Closed – Do, Could, Will, Can Should, Is

Open questions are useful for gaining the widest possible response from a speaker. Closed questions limit communication with short or yes/no answers, but they can be helpful for getting straight to the point and establishing facts.

Further to open and closed types of questions, there are four main styles of questioning that you are likely to use during communication. These styles are; Probing, Reflective, Hypothetical and Direct.

Probing (or clarifying) questions build on existing information. Asking a series of probing questions can sound like an interrogation, so try preceding a probing question with a summary of what the speaker has said (use a closed reflective question).

Reflective questions serve two purposes – open reflective questions are an excellent way to refocus the speaker and get them to reflect; closed reflective questions are really statements or comments made before another type of question to demonstrate that you are listening.

Hypothetical questions are a great way to encourage a speaker to reflect on issues by thinking through previously unconsidered options.

Direct questions are helpful when you need to get the other person’s attention and acquire specific information. Direct questions are usually phrased as instructions, e.g. explain, describe or tell me.

By using a variety of questioning styles you will be able to gain clarity from the speaker and explore their behaviours and attitude to their communication point.


Questioning Styles

Style of question Purpose Open Closed

Probing

Reflective

Hypothetical

Direct


Non-Verbal Communication

Non-verbal communication plays a major part in how our message is received and often you can establish somebodies thoughts, feelings and emotions and potentially what it is they are saying just by studying their non-verbal cues. Anyone that has watched television with the sound turned down will appreciate how easy it can be to gain an understanding of what is being said without having to hear the words.

Often it is the non-verbal rather than verbal message that will affect how people emotionally respond to communication. For instance, you may have heard people say in the past, ‘It’s not what they said, it’s the way they said it!’ Non-verbal communication can have a big impact on how a message is received and can even change the entire meaning of the words that are said.

Because non-verbal communication happens without you even realising it most of the time, the non-verbal message often conveys your true feelings, emotions and thoughts more genuinely than what you say. People also pick up on these non-verbal cues without being aware of it and the message is sent straight to their subconscious. In fact, it is often these non-verbal cues that people put down to their ‘intuition’ about others thoughts and emotions.

Some of the benefits to improving your non-verbal communication are…

It will help you pick up on people’s emotions and feelings and be able to gauge their true frame of mind

It will help you pick up on people’s behaviour and anticipate any issues

You’ll be able to spot when there are differences between what people say and what they think

It will help you to empathise more with people you communicate with

It will help you be able to influence others

If you can portray confident non-verbal signals it can project feelings you may not really have e.g. if you are worried or nervous

It can help ensure what you say is consistent with what you feel

So, being more aware of non-verbal communication can help you by spotting the cues given by other people and by adapting your own non-verbal signals, so that they reflect your message effectively.

Let’s now look at the different ways that we all communicate non-verbally…

Heather Gordon | Professional Training & Coaching Consultant | www.heathergordon.scot

http://www.heathergordon.scot/

Facial Expression

There are 80 muscles in the human face and these can create more than 7,000 facial expressions, which shows how effective our faces are at communicating a message even before we have opened our mouth.

It can often be easy to see if someone is happy, sad or angry by the look on their face, but in the same way, it can be easy to hide your emotions by setting your face to take on any of these expressions. Often though, your expressions will reveal your true feelings.

There are two main features of your face that communicate expressions, the first of these is your eyes, which are often referred to as, ‘the windows to your soul’ as they often give away the true feelings behind the words we are saying. People will often subconsciously read your eyes for signs about how you are feeling.

One of the most typical things that people pick up on regarding the eyes is whether eye contact is maintained. It is often seen as a sign of dishonesty if eye contact is avoided and people who avert their gaze are often seen to be lying. However, it’s important to point out that these cues cannot be taken in isolation and there may be many other reasons for someone avoiding eye contact.

The second feature of the face that communicates expressions is the mouth. A broad smile is a great communicator of happiness or agreement, but it can also convey insincerity, smugness or sarcasm. There are many other expressions a mouth can get across through things like pouting, smirking or biting a lip and all have their own message.

Gestures

Gestures are physical body actions that are used to convey a message, either combined with speech or on their own. A couple of obvious examples of these could be the ‘thumbs up’ or the ‘shh’ or ‘be quiet’ sign (you may even have a few examples of your own that are a bit more offensive!)

There are also gestures that combine with the words you speak to emphasise your message. A couple of examples of this are; pointing to highlight the importance of something you say or holding up fingers to count things off.

Posture

Your posture can dramatically alter the message you are sending or give off a vibe about the feelings you have whilst communicating. Think of the person who sits slumped in a chair with their arms folded when you are talking. How engaged in what you’re saying do they seem?



You often hear about open and closed body gestures. Generally, open body gestures, such as open arms and exposed torso, demonstrate that you are relaxed, calm, interested and willing to listen. Whereas closed body language, such as folded arms or a turned, closed body could suggest that you are less interested in the person’s point, you are scared or nervous or perhaps that you are feeling hostile.

Touching

Touching, otherwise known as haptic communication is an important method of communicating feelings or emotions. People use touching as a form of communication to varying degrees and some people are more tactile than others. It is more prevalent in interpersonal relationships than the business environment. In personal relationships it could be displayed as kissing or holding hands and in the business environment it can be shown through handshakes, back slapping and perhaps touching someone’s arm to signal that you want to speak to them.

There are different levels of socially acceptable touching, which will vary based on the situation, your relationship with the other person and even the country you are in as some cultures are more tactile than others.

Personal Space

Personal space refers to the invisible boundaries we place around ourselves and these alter from person to person. Some people are quite content working in close proximity when they interact with others, but others become extremely uncomfortable if they feel that person is in ‘their’ space.

The amount of personal space we feel we need will be influenced by a number of factors including; how well we know the other person, the environment we are in and the context in which we are communicating. You can usually sense where a person’s personal space begins and you should remain certainly at the edge of this. However, it is worth paying attention to how comfortable someone is with you and adapting accordingly.

It’s important to recognise that you cannot look at any one of the non-verbal signals mentioned and automatically assume that you have identified the message meaning. One non-verbal signal in isolation will not help you interpret the message and you should look for ‘clusters’ of information. What you should work on identifying is the context in which the message is being delivered and this will help you establish the meaning.

These clusters of information will provide you with much more meaning regarding the message than one or two signals on their own.



Improving your non-verbal communication

Review the tips and advice below and underneath each of the paragraphs, write down any improvements the information provides that will help with your own non-verbal communication.

Improve your posture

Is there anything about your posture that is sending the wrong message? Are there any nervous quirks or mannerisms that you have that could affect how you communicate? It might seem difficult to alter these when you consider them all at once, but if you focus on one small element at a time, you can soon reduce the impact they have on the way you come across.

Consider the big picture

Remember, non-verbal signals alter the message when they are spotted in ‘clusters’ so don’t worry too much about the small things. If you often cross your arms because that feels more comfortable, so be it. On its own, this doesn’t mean that you are ‘closed’ to others and it is better that you feel comfortable communicating than stress about small details like this. If you are being clear and honest in general, then you are communicating effectively.

Say what you mean

If what you are saying is the truth, then your body language and non-verbal signals will follow suit. This will help keep communication simple for you.

Listen to your body

You can learn from the signals your body is giving you too. If you are not sure how you feel about a situation, often your body will be picking up its own signs. Does your stomach tense? Do you breathe heavily? What does this tell you?

Keep calm

A neutral and balanced posture is usually the best communication style to adopt. Combined with a calm voice you should come across as confident and in control. However, you should be prepared to resort to natural tendencies when required as otherwise you may come across as wooden and therefore not genuine.



Don’t fake it

Although it’s advisable to adapt your non-verbal signals in certain situations, you should avoid faking your body language as if people notice and trust may be lost.

Think ‘first and last’

People tend to have their most memorable moments in the first ten seconds of meeting someone, so this is where you can really make a great impression. Likewise, you should leave them feeling positively about you, so a good impression at the end of a conversation is just as important. These two key moments are when you should demonstrate your most positive non-verbal signals. So, get your handshake right, give a smile and keep eye contact at these crucial moments.

I can use this information to improve my non-verbal communication by…



Getting Your Message Across

There is no set methodology about how to talk to people. However, no matter what communication scenario you are in, there is one key principle and that is that you have to communicate in such a way that you make it easy for other people to listen and understand what you mean. This can be done by following the ideas below.

Be clear about your point

The starting point when communicating is to be clear about exactly what it is you are trying to say before you say it. If you are asked a question and need to respond, it is quite alright to pause and consider before launching into your message. That way, you can be sure that you say exactly what you mean. Likewise, if you want to get an important point across, take the time to think about what you are going to say before you start the communication.

If you are not specific in what you say, people may get the wrong message and consequently you will not get what you want. These misunderstandings are quite common and in fact some people will even use any ambiguity to get what they want!

One of the most common causes of confused communication is that people can be quite ambiguous when they say things and are not specific and clear about their point. This can often be as a result of someone’s fear of saying what they actually mean, which results in unclear, garbled and sometimes plain confusing messages. We all use sarcasm, implications, hints and other indirect methods of getting our message across, but the end result can often be that people don’t have a clue what you mean. The best way for you to help others listen and understand your meaning is to be clear and precise in what you say.



Clear Communication - Using Headlines

One way of being clear about the message you want to make is to follower a technique that newsreaders use. When they read the news, they will offer up an initial ‘headline’ that conveys the key part of message, they then follow this up by explaining the details.

Look at the example below and then try structuring your own using the statements provided. Example:

Only after the headline, might you provide further information…

Practice:


Original message: Bob made a mistake with the sales figures and this has changed the entire context of the report. He’s going to be in big trouble with the boss and we’re going to have to stay late tonight and correct all the data and information ready for our meeting on Monday. Otherwise we’ll be in trouble too, as the information will all be wrong.

Headline: We are going to have to stay late tonight and re-write the data for our report ready for the Monday meeting.

Bob made a mistake with the sales figures and this has changed the entire context of the report.

He’s going to be in big trouble with the boss. If not corrected, we may be in trouble to.

Original message: John’s finally off, so we’re having a bit of a gathering. It will be nice to send him off as he’s been with us for years now and his wife’s had all those health issues. There’s going to be a small meeting and we’ve got him loads of presents and the card that we all signed. It’s at six, so don’t rush off tonight, I know you like to get to the gym, but this is really important.

Headline:

Further information:


Consider what you say and how you say it

The words that you use have a lot of impact on how your message is received. For this reason, it is important to use language that is positive. The words you choose to use have a lot of influence on others and will reveal your feelings and attitude to them, so it is usually best to frame your words in a positive way.

Do you know someone who always seems to be negative? They always seem to focus on the bad things rather than ‘looking on the bright side’? These types of people can be very draining and not at all fun to be around. However, it is often true that what these people are actually saying is not that different to other people’s thoughts. Rather, it is the way that they say things that frames them as negative.

Consider the typical greeting that people use, ‘Hello. How are you?’ Most people respond with a phrase such as ‘not so bad’ or ‘alright, thank you’. Think about the impact of this choice of words. Mostly, these types of almost negative responses are ignored as they have become so commonplace, but imagine if you changed your standard response and focused on being positive. ‘Not so bad’ becomes ‘I’m great thank you’ or ‘couldn’t be better’; what a huge difference this minor alteration makes.

Of course the example above is quite basic in nature, but it does demonstrate how important it is to use positive language. Let’s look at a different example. You are asked to talk to someone about their nervousness when dealing with clients. It’s tempting to say, ‘you shouldn’t be so nervous’, but instead, ‘you can be more confident’ puts things in a positive light and focuses on what is important, being more confident.

It’s really not hard to adapt your language to frame things more positively and this simple thing can have a real impact on how you are perceived by others.

Just as important as what you say is the way you say it, so think about your tone of voice, pitch, and pace and how this impacts on what you say. When we are nervous, it is quite normal to ramp up the speed with which we talk. This results in us giving a garbled message that can be quite hard to understand and means that people pick up on our nervousness. We may also raise our pitch in times of stress, and again, this can reduce how confident we come across.

Whatever the circumstance, the best way of overcoming any of the things that alter how we say things is to slow down, take a breath and relax. This will help reduce tension and allow us to speak clearly and positively. People will be far less likely to notice if you stop and take a breather before speaking than if your message is rushed and garbled.



Understand others views and appreciate their situation

Communication isn’t always about the person delivering the message, so you also need to focus on the person you are going to be speaking to. Just because you are speaking clearly and precisely, it doesn’t mean that the person that is supposed to be listening will be in a position where they want to, or even can take it all in, so you should also consider their views and situation.

Knowledge

Are they already aware of what you are talking about? What’s their previous experience? Will they already have thought about it?

Feelings

Have they already got an opinion about what you are going to talk about? Does it affect their beliefs or values in any way?

Timing

Is now the best time to communicate with them? Will they be fully focused? Is it the best place to be talking to them about the topic?

This really all comes down to preparation and having a good awareness of the needs and opinions of the person you are going to be talking to. Even when you have considered these points, you should still be prepared to adapt as the conversation progresses and you find out more information. This doesn’t mean changing your style or opinion, but altering your style to ensure your message is received in the best possible way.



Difficult Communication

There will be times when communication does not go smoothly and either you have to have a difficult conversation with someone, or a conversation is made difficult for you. In these situations, there are some general guidelines that you should always follow.

Listen The first step to resolving difficult conversations is ensuring you understand all the facts. This makes listening a crucial element. Listening means being open to new ideas, information, and facts, and being prepared to change your feelings on the topic.

Ask Questions In order to fully understand someone, you should take listening a step further and be prepared to delve deeper by questioning and establishing facts through summarising the speaker’s thoughts. This provides both people with the opportunity to explore the facts behind the communication and ensures complete understanding. If there are gaps in understanding, you must be prepared to ask questions to fill these in.

Acknowledge Feelings Often people will avoid discussing feelings when having a difficult conversation, when in fact you should do the complete opposite. Feelings do not go away if you ignore them and instead the emotions will control the conversation if ignored.

Empathise Try to see things from the other person’s point of view. This doesn’t mean agreeing with them, simply understanding their perspective and acknowledging their opinion.

Stay in Control Consider your body language and speech. Are they demonstrating that you are in control or giving away your nervousness or anger? You should not underestimate how much your pitch, tone and body language impact how your message is received when things get difficult.

Speak Slowly This follows on from staying in control because if you slow down your rate of speech, you can manage and control your emotions.

Give Evidence It is tempting to try and provide excuses or explanations when in a difficult communication situation. Instead, stick to the facts and give evidence to support your case.

Be Honest There is no value to making information up to support your argument and this will get found out. You should be as honest as you can about what you do and don’t know as well as being open about your feelings on the matter being discussed.



Managing Criticism

Taking criticism is a bit like swallowing bad tasting medicine. We are not going to like it, but realise it will probably do us some good.

Nobody likes to accept criticism and it can push us to react badly and become emotional rather than acting rationally. This is more likely to happen where we feel that the criticism is unjustified. Whatever the circumstance, blaming others, reacting defensively, denying everything or going on the counter-attack only serve to make the problem worse and will likely result in you losing control and creating a breakdown in communication.

Whatever the situation and whether you think the criticism is fair or unfair, there is a method of managing the criticism in such a way that the conversation is structured and open.

Listen

Listen very carefully to what the other person is saying. Don’t try and interrupt, apologise or defend yourself. Simply listen to the other person, so that you fully understand the criticism they are aiming at you.

Reflect

Before you respond to the criticism, reflect back the criticism by repeating what they have said in your own words e.g. ‘You are saying that I haven’t written the report in the way that you wanted?’

By demonstrating that you understand the feelings of the other person, you reduce the emotional impact and create the chance for open communication.



Ask Questions

If you are still not sure why they are criticising you, ask questions to gain a better understanding e.g. ‘Can you explain why it wasn’t what you wanted?’

Respond

Once you have a good understanding of why the other person is criticising you, then you can respond to their point. There are several outcomes here, you could agree and suggest ways of correcting things disagree and explain why or even negotiate with them. Whatever approach you take, you should ensure you give evidence rather than excuses and be clear on your feelings and opinion.

If responding does not resolve the discussion, you should go back to the start of the process and again listen to gain more understanding. However, if you cannot resolve the situation through discussion, you may agree to disagree and leave the conversation there.

The key part of this process is listening and reflecting. When the criticism is reflected back, the critic is more likely to feel understood and less likely to attack or feel defensive. Basically, you are defusing the situation and showing empathy for the critic.

Giving Criticism

Of course, the other side of criticism is when you are the one that has to give it. In many ways, this can be more challenging than receiving criticism and it takes time to consider what it is that you are providing feedback on. The danger is that without considering this carefully, you could start an argument or even just be ignored.

There are some useful steps to follow when giving criticism, these are…



Say it! But Be Specific

One of the key hurdles is to actually make the criticism at all. It can seem easier just to leave the issue that is bothering you and avoid conflict. However, this is how small problems become big problems and you should always work to ‘nip things in the bud’ where possible.

When you have decided that you will give some criticism, think carefully about the message you are trying to get across. You need to be very specific and make it very clear what has caused you to be annoyed as well as the change that you expect.

It’s always better to be specific than to give vague messages. For instance, ‘You embarrassed me in that meeting. You really need to learn how to manage conversations’ would not be as good as, ‘When John asked you for my sales figures, I would have preferred if you had referred him to me for the detail. You didn’t have all the facts and so it made it look like I’d missed my targets.’

Listen

Much like receiving criticism, it is important that you listen to the response of the person you have criticised. You should not interrupt and allow them to say their piece. You may find that you do not have all the facts or there was a good reason behind their behaviour.

Acknowledge

Acknowledge what the other person has said by repeating it or re-phrasing it back to them. For instance, ‘I appreciate that you thought you were trying to help…’

Respond

Your response will normally follow straight on from your acknowledgement and will be a further explanation of your reasoning behind the criticism or more information about the consequences. So, taking in the acknowledgement too, it might sound like, ‘I appreciate that you thought you were trying to help. However, I spend a lot of time preparing my sales figures and often there are reasons for differing figures. I am the best placed to explain this to John. I’d appreciate if you’d let me do it next time.’

Listen

Once you have responded, you should be prepared to listen again and acknowledge their response. From this point you may decide to stick with what you have said, or compromise on an alternative.



Constructive Criticism

Learning how to structure how you give criticism is really important and will ensure that you are more effective in keeping these types of conversations constructive and positive. However, there are some additional factors that are just as important to consider when you are going to give some criticism.

Time and place

You should consider when the best time and place to criticise someone is. It can be tempting to criticise as soon as something happens. However, if this is in front of other people, where it could be embarrassing for the person you are criticising or it’s at a time when they are unlikely to listen to you, then you should probably wait for a better moment.

Explain how you feel

It’s important to let the person you are criticising know the emotions that they have stirred inside of you. If you are angry, upset, jealous or any other emotion; let them know that. After all, it’s the reason you felt compelled to say something in the first place.

Do not accuse

Try and keep your language aimed at your emotions and how it affected you rather than placing blame on the other person. This means using ‘I’ statements as opposed to ‘you’ statements. For example, ‘I felt embarrassed by your comments’ rather than, ‘You embarrassed me when you said that’. The latter statement pushes your emotions onto the other person, which means you lose control of the message.

One at a time

Where you have several criticisms to make, you should focus only on the most important one first and avoid raising more than one issue. Otherwise, it becomes difficult for the person being criticised to focus on the specific change you want. It can also turn a criticism into an argument. Keep to your one key point.

Next steps

If you make a criticism, you need to make it clear what it is you want the other person to do to make it right. Otherwise, you are just complaining. Likewise, you should make it clear what your next steps will be if they do not resolve the issue you are discussing. This doesn’t mean threatening them, but being clear about your next course of action.



Putting it into Practice - Persuade and Influence Others

Influencing is a key part of communication and being able to persuade others will help you reach your goals and get the outcomes you desire. The aim is to persuade in such a way that people want to work with you and feel they want to support you to achieve the goals.

You can make people do what you want by being manipulative or deceitful, but these techniques are short-term and will ultimately result in mistrust and a breakdown in relationships. You may get things done initially, but you will lose any support you may have had and ultimately people will be reluctant to even communicate with you, let alone being influenced by you.

There are many different scenarios where you might want to persuade and influence people, particularly in the workplace. However, whichever situations you are hoping to influence in, there are some key communication principles that you can follow.

1. Personalise - What do you already know about the person you are trying to influence? What is their communication style? What attitudes and behaviours might they have that can help you influence them? What are their opinions, needs and beliefs about the topic you are trying to persuade them on?

2. Clarity - Be clear about the message you are trying to convey. Focus on exactly what you want to persuade the other person to do or how you want to influence them. Be sure about what you end goal is. When you convey your message, make it very clear what your intended outcome is and make it easy to understand.

3. Listen - People are far more likely to co-operate if they feel they are being listened to and their opinion is valued. Try to pick up on the key things that are being said, but also notice what is not being said, as this will give away key information. Listen, acknowledge and take their views into consideration.

4. Ask questions - Establish what the other person wants. What are their drivers? What will help motivate them to do what you want? Acknowledge and address any concerns they might have. Discuss ways to overcome barriers.

5. Be positive - When you have addressed the needs and concerns, state the positive aspects of what you require and how it will benefit the individual. For instance, ‘If we manage to complete this report by late Wednesday evening, it means we can avoid staying overnight and be at home for a full day Thursday to spend some time with our families.’



Putting it into Practice - Giving Advice and Information

Giving advice and information is actually quite an important skill in the business world. However, it should be treated with care as it can be seen as unhelpful and could be potentially damaging to relationships if done poorly. When accepted and delivered effectively, advice can help others to develop skills, identify their options and progress decisions.

Because giving advice is such a sensitive topic, it is important that you follow these guidelines to ensure success.

1. Listen - Listening is the most critical factor to observe when giving advice or information. You must ensure you fully understand the situation of the person you are giving advice to and that you have as much insight as possible. Your aim is to learn as much about the situation as you can in order to ensure your advice is specific and relevant.

Any advice you give needs to be appropriate and so without active listening, you will not be qualified to provide information or opinion. Where you have listened to the person and checked understanding, they will also feel that you are taking the issue seriously and consequently be more likely to take any advice you give. If you have listened carefully, but do not feel qualified or knowledgeable enough to give advice, you should always say this and refrain from sharing your opinion.

2. Advice welcome? - Sometimes people don’t actually want advice and only share information to ‘off-load’ or because it has been requested. You must be sensitive to the needs of the person who you will potentially giving advice to.

If they do want advice, make sure you are clear what they are looking for. What is their goal or outcome? This will help you tailor your information.

3. Be specific - When you are clear on the person’s intended outcome, be specific about the advice you give and ensure that it resolves the goal that the person requested advice on. Your aim should not be to give them your answer, but rather to guide them towards making their own conclusions based on your additional information. Once you have delivered and discussed your advice, ask the person what their thoughts are based on the information.

4. Don’t judge - It’s easy to become frustrated or angry when you are in a situation where you might give advice. You could be annoyed about the problem or worried for the person who needs advice. However, this approach will cause any advice to come out as negative or critical. You should aim to express concern and be understanding. Remember to use positive language and focus on the goals rather than any emotions.



Putting it into Practice - Giving Positive Feedback

Positive feedback is not only a boost for the person receiving it, it also works as a great motivator and will help encourage the receiver to continue their good work. Complimenting people also helps develop empathy and positive feeling and so helps cultivate positive relationships that make future communication much easier. The benefits of giving positive feedback are obvious, but still people can be very reluctant to give it.

Part of the reason people are hesitant to give positive feedback is that it can feel quite awkward complimenting someone and often we worry about wording feedback incorrectly and perhaps sounding stupid. It’s important to realise though, that even awkwardly presented feedback is better than no feedback at all. However, you can help improve how you present feedback by following this simple process.

1. Be specific - Compliments and feedback are much more effective when they focus on a specific point. You can say thank you generally, but it lacks the impact of directly identifying something that the person has done.

2. Acknowledge individual efforts - Following on from focusing on a specific point, it is beneficial to add anything that individualises the efforts of the person. For example, ‘Thank you for finishing that report on time, I particularly appreciate you staying late in the evenings.’

3. Explain the impact - If people know that their efforts have had a positive effect, it serves to increase how good they feel about what they have done. It also lets them know that their contribution has made an impact on more than just the person giving the feedback. For example, ‘Thank you for finishing that report on time, I particularly appreciate you staying late in the evenings. This helped impress the customer and we won the contract.’

4. Express your gratitude - It is useful to close with a heartfelt thank you and a show of your appreciation. This can be as simple as saying, ‘Thank you. I really appreciate it.’

You should also remember your non-verbal communication. Your facial expressions, gestures and body language should all reflect how genuine your appreciation is.



Further Reading

Here is a selection of books on communication that we recommend.

Brilliant Communication Skills - Gill Hasson

The Snowball Effect - Andy Bounds

The Communication Book - Emma Ledden

How to Talk to Anyone - Leil Lowndes

Body Language - Allan Pease



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