Editorial

The Ability to be Invisible in an Empty Room: A Brief History and Not So Practical Practicalities

Understanding your product

Sally von C. Anniewan was a woman of many talents; from organising imaginary tea parties to ruling a country of

one. But as impressive to no one are such talents, her greatest yet was the ability to be invisible in an empty room. In

a letter addressed to herself, von C. Anniewan penned the creed that all whom possess such an ability.

Benefits

Conversing with no one.

Contemplating life and lunch.

Establishing an unbreakable bond with the room’s furniture (if any) or nobody (when lacking furniture).

Coming to the conclusion that silence is indeed not gold.

Being a part of something larger – the room.

Usage instructions

Examples of how you can use your newfound infinite power (usage is by no means limited to this list):

1. When in an empty room do not speak. The only sounds permissible are the quiet shuffling of your feet as you

timidly make your way to the corner of the room.

2. Once in a corner, turn to face the wall and proceed to convince yourself (in your head) that you are indeed

the wall. This process may take up to 5 hours and 37 minutes and in no way builds character.

3. Successfully becoming the wall merits a celebration in a manner that is passive and one that will never catch

on. Such celebrations often include blinking, wiggling of toes, and collecting dust.

Disclaimer:

While undoubtedly an ability of many uses, one is cautioned that there are forces at work threatening to mitigate

the effectiveness of this ability. As such, one should endeavour to stray away from:

Clothing with bells – for this violates the creed and is only fashionable since never.

Circular rooms / rooms with glass walls – acceptable course of action should you find yourself in a circular

room is to assume the foetal position and cry in agonising defeat.

The-One-Who-Possess-The-Ability-To-See-Through-Glass-Walls – practitioners of this ability no longer rely on

their prescription glasses.

The Ability to See Through Walls Understanding your product

Explore voyeuristic desires upon obtaining the ability to see through solid blocks of crystal clear glass walls. Superiorly middling eyes beam past see-through barricades, allowing select individuals granted with this great gift to watch others pretend they do not know they are being watched. Benefits

Espionage.

Look in on every important meeting (learning to read lips are a huge boost to your talent).

Finding the illusive and mythical Sally von C. Anniewan. Her ability to be invisible in an empty room has

lauded her world fame and accolades.

Also effective on windows, windshields, and prescription glasses.

Usage instructions


1. To activate:

- Stand in the general direction of what you want to see.

- Open your eyes.

- Works better if you squint tightly.

2. To deactivate:

- Close your eyes.

- Sleeping automatically disengages your ability.

Disclaimer No self-respecting super power would go without a deadly pitfall to rein their powers in:

Watch out for curtains and blinds; they have the power to completely cripple your ability.

Not valid with walls made of brick, wood, concrete, paper or chocolate (but if you find a wall of chocolate, do

you really need anything else in life?).

Ability may be impaired if walls are tinted or foggy.

Only valid in the presence of light.

May not be used for actual espionage.

The Ability to Read Your Own Mind


Unlike reading the minds of others, the ability to read your own mind is a true super power for those who find it hard to make up their minds or mind their minds. Reading the own mind is in fact one of the hardest forces to control as the mind idly escapes into the shadows of daily tasks, narcissistic personalities, and hunger pangs.

When it boils down to allowing any conscious functions, the best counsel you could seek is really your own. If you do not believe so, purchase the ‘Power of Persuasion’ deal to find out.

You do not require to be gifted to use this super power, but with great powers come great responsibilities. You simply need to take a moment, get in the zone -- and not get caught in the act while carrying out these procedures:

Benefit

Improve flow of conversations in your head than actual exchanges with people.

Answer questions like why you gravitate to staring into a mirror so much.

Deal with society’s madness.

Hear celestial voices in your head.

Usage instructions


1. Start by settling in the noisiest place possible – a car workshop, public pool, or an airport circuit. By

immersing the rest of the senses in a state of arrest, your mind is sure to be cornered and spring into action.

2. Wear minimal amount of clothing to ensure the mind does not get distracted with soft fabrics or snagged

cracks.

3. Sit on the hard, cold ground to root the body and wandering mind.

4. Do not close your eyes as your mind will attempt to trick you into sleeping. Instead, keep your eyes wide

shut.

5. If at first you sense nothing, do not worry – that was probably your pancreas. If said issue persists for more

than thirty minutes, repeat step 1 – 3 at a different location.

6. Hold your breath for as long as you can before taking another gulp of fresh air. The pressure placed upon

your body will coerce the mind into answering all the questions of your universe.

Disclaimer

The internet was inspired by the workings of the human mind, so expect to find a flurry of biased beliefs, half-

witted humour, egocentric memories, and graphic images. Try wearing a snug-thinking hat to filter

inappropriate contents.

Have a light meal to feed your body and lure mind into positive feedback and quicker responses.

Whatever you do, do not follow the white light.

Do not consume coffee or tea before reading minds as caffeine may induce hallucinations of extreme self-

awareness.

Browse, but do not get caught up over past issues such as ‘70’s bellbottom jeans’, ‘First four heartbreaks’,

‘Uncle Jack’, and ‘2012’s End of The World Bash’.

Super Emotional Strength V3.1-and-a-half


Upgraded from its predecessor ‘Quite Average Emotional Strength’, the Super Emotional Strength V3.1-and-a-half

allows you to access, retain, and deploy most emotion types of emotive beings from humans to animals and rejected

tissue paper from aisle four. Satellite signals pick up cross boundary dolphin cries, neighbourhood excitement at

Christmas time, and delayed anguish of twin siblings turning a year older in Australia. Scientists claim that The Super

Emotional Strengthphernophlius Maximus Desmus (a.k.a extreme empathy) will change the way one relates to and

understands its world; vicarious joy becomes first-hand joy, crime rates decrease from the deployment of remorse,

and maybe even more but who knows.

Parts and assembly

A – The heart

B – The heart

C – The heart

D – The heart

E – 5-year old picture of yourself (not provided in package)

F – Chewing gum

Pick up part A between your thumb and index finger along with parts B, C, and D; then juggle. Using part F, carefully

and light-handedly mash the parts together to form a unified mass of feelings. Look at Part E; decide in your – now

extremely large – heart that you are not that person anymore. Change social media profile relationship status with

self to ‘It’s complicated’.

Usage instructions


1. Go to a romantic restaurant alone and text your ex. Get rejected. Deploy feelings to overly happy couples

within your vicinity. Receive emotions of gratitude from other single-party tables, deploy to everyone in the

room. World peace.

2. Watch the finale of your favourite reality show, transfer resulting emotions to house cat. Feel nothing as your

favourite contestant gets eliminated. “He should have won, he should have, why? Why? Why? Injustice

abounds”, said the cat.

3. Ride the lift with 3 colleagues whose names you forgot, feel no remorse as you access their emotions, they

didn’t even know you work here.

Disclaimer

When extreme joy, sadness, and jealousy are absorbed at the same time, combustion might occur. Either that

or you have to pee.

Always use your powers for good. With great powers, come great digestibility.

The Ability to Immediately Find Parking after Midnight


The ability to find parking is as rare as the ability to double or triple park with a conscience. This power will benefit

raunchy young adults and unlicensed money lenders.

Benefits

Instant satisfaction and sense of accomplishment.

Saves tires from tiring.

Finding a parking is a benefit on its own.

Usage instructions Examples of how you can use your newfound infinite power (usage is by no means limited to this list):

1. Decide on a place to go to. Ensure that finding parking within 2 hours is high on impossible in aforementioned

place.

2. You may honk or take a nap to speed up the process.

3. Bring along a compass to check your orientation, or an inflatable finger to indicate your displeasure.

4. As the clock strikes 12, observe the "Curfew Curse" as younglings rush home, leaving behind a trail of smoke

and loud trashy music.

5. Choose any spot that appeal to your senses.

Disclaimer

Only valid after midnight.

Customers are advised to drive a Kancil.

Not recommended for trucks, SUVS, or horse-drawn pumpkins.

Subject to attacks of rare arch nemesis; ‘The Hard Working Traffic Enforcer’.

The Ability to Transform Money into Cats


Once popular in Egypt, feline transfiguration was recently unravelled by covert scientists. There have been records in history of distinctive chants of high priestesses enrobed with plush bath-garments while being crowned with mythical headpieces transforming virgin manes into cascading locks: “abite nummi, ego vos mergam, ne mergar a vobis” (“Cats are regal creatures—everyone wants one. Your allergy to cats is probably imaginary”)

Benefits

Eliminate heavy pennies and noisome change.

Subtle way of hinting to roommates with cat allergies of past-due rent.

Comforting change of pace for moguls living alone in affluent mansions atop private hills with no one but his

dozen-strong staff of servants.

Usage instructions


1. Grab a fistful of cash from a wallet, preferably your own.

2. Picture in your mind a cat that you actually want; your neighbour's Siamese cat is not off limits.

3. Start harvesting some of the catnip you've been growing in your private catnip conservatory.

4. With a mortar and pestle, pulverise the herbs into a fine powdery substance. For a sudden surge of strength,

think about your boss' recent remarks about your last report.

5. Fetch a large ceramic bowl from your kitchen.

6. Mix filtered water and the recently powdered catnip together, and stir vigorously. If it doesn't splash all over

your quartz kitchen top, you're not vigorous enough.

7. Soak the fistful of cash that you've been holding on to all this while into the liquid catnip.

8. Let your gaze fall beyond your kitchen's panoramic stained glass windows.

9. Locate a cat that's strolling by that you actually want; your neighbour's Siamese cat is not off limits.

10. Approach the cat respectfully. Remember—you're really the servant here.

11. Wave the catnip-soaked cash in front of the cat's face as it paws at your money curiously.

12. Slowly back away into your kitchen as the cat follows you, licking the substances while it descends into feline

bliss. It will now permit you to feed it till the end of time.

13. Alternatively, visit a pet store. Pet stores do not accept damaged money.

Disclaimer

Do not conduct said activities in direct view of members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of

Affluence); production of summonses to appear in Court of Coins and time spent in currency-community

service are not be covered by package.

Results will vary depending on individuals; persons exuding aura of man’s best friend may need more

cultivation time and scratch-resistant gear.

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KEEP READING!!!

Galileo Galilei could not CONVINCE his contemporaries that the sun revolved around the earth. Vincent Van Gogh was

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EXACTLY.

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