Edge January 2014

32
ISSUE NO: 207 www.theedgemag.co.uk Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44 [email protected] JANUARY 2014 ‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’ EDGE the

description

news, fun, local current affairs

Transcript of Edge January 2014

Page 1: Edge January 2014

ISSUE NO: 207

www.theedgemag.co.uk Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44 [email protected]

JANUARY 2014‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

EDGEthe

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Page 2 The Edge 01245 348256

NEW PRODUCT LAUNCHING

IN UK 2014

TAKE A LOOK & GIVE US

YOUR THOUGHTS

& FEEDBACK

MOTOPARKINGUK

MOTOPARKINGUK

www.motoparking.co.uk

Iwas driving along the A12 in dense fog the other day and there were

drivers doing 70mph in the outside lane. They eventually had top move

over, but I really had to floor it to make up for lost time.

The answer to The Edge’s query the other month, about what to do if

you get caught short whilst wanting a pee whilst driving is, as any self-

respecting bus or lorry driver will tell you, is to relieve oneself into an

empty Locozade bottle. Check out any lay-by for confirmation.

It was like when someone farts in a lift and nobody dare say anything by

chance they get the blame. Three year old Anna dropped her Peppa Pig

at her grandad’s funeral. “Oh bollocks,” she pronounced, and we all

stared directly ahead in case she’d heard it from one of us.

Well done First Bus for not employing drivers who have points on their

license for using a mobile ’phone whilst driving. If insurance compa-

nies followed their example and doubled the premiums of offenders, acci-

dent rates would plummet.

Ireckon most blokes who shave their head are in denial about their pre-

mature baldness. I proffered this theory to my mate, Tug, who’s head is

as smooth as a baby’s backside, but he assured me it wasn’t the reason

in his particular case. So I called his bluff and dared him to grow it for a

week. Poor bugger wasn’t lying. He’s ginger.

Something else I'm very wary of is 'social networking'. I set up my

FaceBollock page a while back, yet within days I had managed to

'unfriend' myself. This made access impossible as every time I tried to log

on, I was told 'you are not a friend of The Hairy Monster'. It took three

weeks to establish a new page, but the original one is still spurning my

advances and won't let me be his (my) mate. Also I noticed that my new

identity had a ‘changed profile’. It appears I recently visited Dublin, was in

a 'complicated relationship' and liked Phil Collins. I don't mind the first two

mistakes, but Phil Collins FFS! And according to FB my relationship with

my son is now 'pending', which raises certain concerns. Supposing the

decision goes against me? Will I have to repay 18 years worth of child

benefit? And will my son have to repay 14 years worth of pocket money?

‘Social networking’ my arse. More like antisocial networking.

It's not only the power companies that have problems supplying the serv-

ice they are, by definition, supposed to deliver. My SatNav also seems

intent on playing silly buggers with me, rather than simply directing me

from A to B. I was driving along the Embankment in London a few weeks

ago when it told me to turn left in 100 yards. Luckily I was aware that the

coach I was driving was not amphibious, so I ignored the instruction, but

then it went all stroppy on me and spoke that dreaded word 'recalculating'

before switching itself off. This would not have been a problem if I'd had

an A-Z handy, but I didn’t. In fact, I honestly had no idea where the feck

the theatre we were destined for was located. Before headless panic set

in, I stopped alongside a red London bus and asked the driver where the

Theatre Royal was. Just my luck, he was Polish and had never even

heard of it. But I eventually found the theatre with minutes to spare before

the performance began, at which point the SatNav turned itself back on

and said: 'You have arrived at your destination.'

Every so often we as a nation go all hysterical about a group of people

or an organisation. In 1997 it was the Royal Family, then we had the

Millennium Dome, the banking system and just recently we've all grown to

hate the power companies. This last group has had a pretty rough ride

over the past few months, but I feel obliged to rise to the defense of

NPower. I logged on to my computer the other afternoon and there was

an email from them. It was an apology to its 5.4 million customers. “We're

sorry,” it began, and then listed lots of reasons for its contrition. It seems

NPower acknowledges that it has consistently failed to deliver an accept-

able standard of service on many levels and was grovellingly remorseful

for its execrable customer satisfaction levels. Its chief executive, Paul

Massara, then started to tell me what he intends to do to put things right,

but sadly he didn't manage to finish because at this point there was......a

power cut! So whilst I agree with Mr Massara that NPower is a crap

organisation that doesn't give a shit about its millions of overcharged

customers, when it comes to comic timing, it takes the gold award.

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ART THOU

NOT PESKY

ENTERTAINED?

The Edge loved that bit in Gladiator,

after Maximus Decimus Meridius had

slain a few in the arena, before then

considering it pertinent to address the baying

hoardes with but one simple question.

And it’s as much as The Edge suggests to

you, dear readers, at the very start of yet

another so-called ‘brand new year’, for all we

seek to do is offer you a little nonsensical

escape from the sheer drudgery of life for but

half-an-hour or so once every month.

And that’s it. That’s all we’re here for.

So just switch off and lose yourself in

‘The World of The Edge’!

Of course, in amongst it all there’s always a

few pertinent points to be made, such as the

quality that the opening of The New London

restaurant now brings to Chelmsford on page

11, plus a letter from a reader on page 18

who got in FREE to see a Dr Who Exhibition.

But for the main part, it’s all just bollocks,

really, and long may The Edge reign for

nailing it’s pants to the mast.

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:45 Page 3

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CONGESTIONAll of us locals can see that Chelmsford is a fast

expanding little city. Hell, even John Lewis and

Waitrose are coming to town.

Then there’s the all new rail link up at Beaulieu

Park.

But surely the knock-on effect of all of this

progress has got to be even greater congestion -

and God knows Chelmsford’s already congested

enough as it is.

So what’s going to happen along Victoria Road

(which in turn will obviously effect New Street

and Springfield Road) once Waitrose opens up?

Surely it’s as plain as daylight that Chelmsford

hasn’t got a clue how to marshall itself and quite

honestly never has.

Remember the debacle of the traffic lights, which

very quickly became hooded Klu Klux Klan type

figures, along Parkway leading to High Bridge

and Tesco/Iceland/Springfield Road?

What an abject waste of taxpayers money those

were, yet what remains are some ridiculous,

nonsensical Mickey Mouse orange and white

bollards that means you have to go all the way

up to the Victoria Road South roundabout and

double back on yourself simply to turn into The

Meadows Shopping Centre car-park in Baddow

Road. Just how pathetic is that?

Then there’s the dratted Army Navy roundabout.

When I first moved to Chelmsford as a fresh-

faced pre-editor aged just 21, the first thing

someone mentioned to me about the town (as it

was then) I was moving to was, “There’s a

roundabout there that’s a total bloody night-

mare.”

Some thirty years down the line, has anything

changed?

I think we all know the answer to that one.

I’m sorry, but the flow of traffic in Chelmsford has

simply got to take precedent and that means

doing away completely with both sets of (some-

times) pedestrian controlled traffic lights just off

the Army Navy roundabout (both Parkway and

Princes Road).

They have to go. A normal, free-for-all system

would definitely work better.

“But how do we cross the road?” say mum’s with

babies in buggies and such like.

The honest answer is that you’ll have to be

inconvenienced a little bit by walking down to the

High Bridge/Manor Road roundabout to use the

underpass there because understand this: this is

not about you.

In fact, the walk will do you good and you are

most definitely part of the problem because there

isn’t sufficient time to keep on devoting half-a-

minute for you lot to lackadaisically amble across

the road and keep on stalling the damned traffic.

Vehicles are the problem and the traffic’s what

needs to be kept moving, so it’s high time that

the people who can genuinely make a difference

to the City of Chelmsford got their damned

heads out of the sand and start sorting it out.

FALLING DOWNTook the father-in-law and his ‘squeeze’ out the

other evening (to The Lion Inn at Boreham

where I had the most delicious fish pie) and

they’re both 75, gawd bless ’em, so naturally it

wasn’t long before the subject of old people

falling over reared its ugly head.

They do though, don’t they? They’re like bloody

Tumble Tots are old people, only they don’t get

back up so well and tend to rock about a bit on

the deck for a while.

“She’s had a fall,” the father-in-law informed us,

pursing his lips like only Les Dawson used to be

able to. “Shook herself up a bit.”

Then we heard about all the cuts and bruises

and how she might very well have passed out for

a while, and I’m thinking, ‘My godddddd, I’ve got

all of this malarkey to come. Oh what fun and

games it’s going to be, is having a bit of a fall.”

MAN FLUHave had my first proper dose of Man Flu this

winter and I wasn’t sleeping, so I went to the

chemist and they recommended Night Nurse,

which although familiar with I’d never taken

before.

Wow! Not sure whether it was the Night Nurse or

the whiskey (I always drink whiskey when I’ve

caught a cold) or a combination of the two (plus

being dog tired) but I slept like a log and right

the way through ’til 9:00am the following morning

....which was a Saturday, before you ask.

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 797 44

[email protected]

The Edge Editor’s Column

Page 4 The Edge 01245 348256

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Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on...

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Ali’s Taxis

inc. 8 seater mini-buses

Airport Trips

Corporate Accounts Welcome

46-46-46

The word selfie now, apparently, appears in the

Oxford English Dictionary.

How did that happen?

A selfie is described as: A photograph that one

has taken of oneself, typically with a smartphone

or webcam, that is uploaded onto a social media

website.

It goes on to say: ‘Occasionally selfies are

acceptable, but posting a new photograph of

yourself every single day seriously isn’t neces-

sary.’

Narcissistic, or what?

Personally speaking, I have only ever sent a self-

ie to a select few friends and acquaintances,

usually whilst under the influence, and generally

only of certain parts of my impeccable anatomy.

The Edge seriously never looks at Facecock

(why would it?) but on the very odd occasion that

it spots a profile or two as its computer is reboot-

ing itself, it is always astounded to see Jackie

eating a burger, or Tom necking a lager.

Hardly revolutionary, is it?

Selfies. Bah!

Taking a Selfie

Because me and the wife are posh, this ottoman

(yes, I thought you’d be impressed, readers) that

we’d had on order from Tides in Brentwood

(although they used to be at the top of Baddow

Road opposite Pizza Express in Chelmsford for

a short while, if you recall?) eventually turned up

after 10 weeks instead of four, with optional ickle

legs on the bottom to raise it up off the ground

by 5cm (I’ve even just measured the gap as I

wouldn’t want to be telling you porkies).

Anyway, we thought it looked better raised ever

so slightly, only these ickle stumpy 5cm legs

required 4 screws each and you can bet your life

they weren’t provided.

So off I toddled on a Saturday morning up to

B&Q in the motor I’d currently loaned from my

parents that absolutely drinks fuel for fun, though

I tell you, I haven’t laughed about anything much

in a long time.

When I got there, the only screws I could find

that were suitable came in a pack of 25 and cost

£7.98.

Now let me just repeat that for you slowly, read-

ers. This pack of 25 screws I purchased from

B&Q the other Saturday morning cost me £7.98

and what with the bloody fuel the 2.5litre V6

engined Cougar was drinking, I made that about

a tenner for the round-trip.

Silver, these screws were, although I hadn’t

imagined they were solid silver.

Jesus wept, I still haven’t gotten over the shock

of it a few days later, so I’ll repeat one last time

what my deep distress is all about: £7.98 (yes,

you heard The Edge right) for a pack of 25

screws from B&Q.

I even had to have a lie down before I screwed

the buggers in at that price.

Talk about being....

SCREW YOU, SIR.

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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:37 Page 5

Page 6: Edge January 2014

Page 6 [email protected]

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“A Secret Nuclear Power Plant at Hatfield Peverel”

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

We may as well start the New Year off on a dull note and The Edge would like to open a can of

worms by revealing, for the record, that it has noticed some peculiar side-effects as regards certain

folks living within close proximity of Hatfield Peverel’s controversial Nuclear Power Plant (turn right

out of the railway station and you’ll soon see it in the distance on your left).

As we all know, a nuclear power station is a thermal power plant. In short, it’s a bit like a flask of

tea in which the brew is kept warm for the remainder of the day by a built-in, spring-loaded, nuclear

reactor fitted within its base.

That said, the only trouble with this complicated process is that if any gases ever escape and mix

in with the ozone layer, then dear oh dear, menfolk can quickly develop breasts whilst women can

often turn into fully fledged chickens in the environs immediately surrounding.

Local residents have been warned to remain vigilant and not take any drastic steps, such as mov-

ing lock stock and three smoking barrels out of the area. But only this last week, The Edge’s snap-

happy, yet these days somewhat seldomly seen roving photographer, Matthew Sadler, alarmingly

managed to capture this disturbing evidence:-

John & Freda Stockcube of Maldon Road, Hatfield Peverel, have been

hit particularly badly as Freda (above) recently gave birth to a rather

large egg, whilst John has had to shell out on a series of 42DD lacy

bra’s in order to better contain himself.

“It’s not what we expected when we moved here from Newland

Springs,” says Freda. “You can say that again,” echoes John.

“My husband’s always been a

bit of a man’s man, but since

he’s started growing breasts,

all he wants to do is rip his bra

off when he returns home

from work and start incubating

our egg by sitting on it.”

“Aye,”, says John, “you’re not

wrong there.”

So beware, Chelmsford, which

way the wind’s blowing...

203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 9PF.TEL: 01245 494194

www.stephenalexander.co.ukEMAIL: [email protected]

NEW CLIENTJANUARY OFFER!

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A diagram (above) and Hatfield PeverelNuclear Power Plant Control Room (right).

OK, so her on the left hasn’t comeout of it too badly, but....

Many men in HatfieldPeverel have discovered

of late that they havethe ability to produce

breast milk from their.... ...erm, well, breasts.

The Edge trusts you have all

spotted this in Chelmsford?

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:38 Page 6

Page 7: Edge January 2014

EngraR

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 18/12/2013 14:51 Page 7

Page 8: Edge January 2014

Ring out the old.

Ring in the new.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

who’s kidding who?

Mr Edge the editor told

us last month that he

didn’t much care for the

C-word (Christmas).

In fact, after reading his

piece ‘Christmas is Cancelled’ in the December Edge, it

appears he doesn’t like it at all! He even went so far as

to reference last month’s Citizen Column about

Christmas music and New York columnist Steve Ward’s

apparent taste for the Spanish delicacy of paella on

Christmas Day to support his Scroogelike tendencies.

The truth is, Citizen suspects he’s not alone as it is not

Mrs Citizen’s favourite season either. In fact, she usually

needs several days of persuasion to even put up the

tree, only then she can’t wait to take it back down again

just as soon as the New Year has arrived (or even soon-

er if she thinks she can get away with it). Some- times I

hardly think it’s worth the trip up to the loft to retrieve all

the deccies in the first place. And the New Year leaves

her cold in more ways than one.

Citizen suspects she’s not alone.

But where does our editor stand on New Year?

His not-so-subtle suggestion to Citizen that a seasonal

piece on the ‘New Year Blues’ might not go amiss did

kind of give it away, I think.

So is the elongated season of festivities the actual cause

of the oft reported New Year Blues?

Certainly the more you think about it, bundling Christmas

and New Year together either extends the excitement or

prolongs the agony. For one thing, Citizen would have to

say that leaving the deccies up beyond 1st January is an

out-and-out no-no. It’s just sad. Tragic even. Christmas is

over. Move on. Forget about it - at least for another year.

Nothing looks more stupid and tasteless, in Citizen’s

view, than houses that have been festooned with copious

amounts of lights, mobiles, electronic Santa’s, snowmen

and animated Disney characters since the end of

November, staying that way until well into January.

Don’t you just bet the ‘Big 6’ energy companies rub their

hands together with glee at the very sight of all that non-

sense consuming all those watts of electricity for 5 or 6

weeks through to Twelfth Night, before the owners tear-

fully admit defeat.

Come to think of it, what the hell have Mickey Mouse

and Donald Duck got to do with Christmas anyway?

But it’s not just here in the UK that the whole scene is

embellished. An Italian taxi driver, on an expensive jour-

ney from Sorrento to Naples airport, once told Citizen

that the most ardent F.C. Napoli supporters even add a

model of Diego Maradona to their own traditional gather-

ing of shepherds and angels in their outdoor crib scenes!

But why leave them up past New Year? None of these

Santa or Disney images - and certainly not Argentinean

football players - has anything to do with Hogmanay.

In fact, Olde Father Thyme with his sickle would be far

more appropriate.

As it is, unless you book tickets to go to the pub for an

evening of forced jollity and a chorus of Auld Lang Syne

at midnight, you might as well stay in and watch Jools

Holland present his annual Hootenanny on the BBC. (By

the way, it is rumoured that his show, which comes

across as an impeccably timed live broadcast, is actually

recorded in November. If so, what if a guest appearing in

it, or someone in the audience (there is a four year wait-

ing list) actually dies before it is aired?) When asked if

the show was pre-recorded, it is said that Jools

remarked, “You don’t want to be the person who tells the

children the truth about Father Christmas, do you?”

So what about Auld Lang Syne, whatever the hell that

means. Do you think you will still end up singing the

Rabbie Burns classic next year if the Scots vote for

Independence on 18th September 2014?

In all seriousness, Citizen hopes and prays that the ‘NO’

vote wins the day. We may relish the thought of thrash-

ing the Jocks at football, but in Citizen’s view, we are all

still the one nation of Great Britain. Absolutely no-one

fights more heroically for us in times of conflict than the

Scots and Citizen, for one, shares in their triumphs

(Andy Murray at Wimbledon, for instance) and feels their

tragedies as though we are all part of the same United

Kingdom - which we still are, and long may such contin-

ue. Mr and Mrs Edge may have their Scottish smoked

salmon for breakfast on Christmas Day, but let’s hope

Alex Salmond doesn’t have the English for breakfast

later on this year!

Whilst on the subject of the referendum, why do English,

Welsh and Irish people living in Scotland get a vote,

whilst Scottish people living in England, Wales or

Northern Ireland don’t?

Come to think of it, shouldn’t the whole of the UK get a

say as it surely affects us all?

It is honestly one of the more serious issues to look for-

ward to this year. There’s also the Winter Olympics (does

Jamaica still enter a bobsleigh team?) and, of course,

the World Cup Finals in Brazil. When Scotland used to

occasionally qualify, it was always an easy decision for

their supporters as to how long a holiday they needed to

take off work. The first week-and-a-half was usually

always enough, before boarding the first flight back

home before all the serious stuff began.

OK, so just when Citizen was saying nice things about

our friends (?) and neighbours north of Hadrian’s Wall,

he goes and blows it all with yet another cheap Scottish

football jibe. But perhaps Citizen shouldn’t be so smug?

Who’s to bet that England will fare any better this year,

or even make it to their traditional quarter-final exit? The

Scots could well be laughing all the way to the Polling

Station!

As you read this, no doubt many shops and supermar-

kets will all be putting up their St. Valentine’s Day and

even Easter displays, if they haven’t already, gawd bless

’em. Citizen once stopped off at a Motorway service sta-

tion between Christmas and New Year and saw the staff

setting up an Easter Egg Promotion and it was enough

to make you vomit. So naturally any time soon those

Cadbury’s Creme Eggs will be tempting us to break our

New Year’s diet resolutions, if any of us actually bother

with resolutions any more?

Citizen might well have to completely ignore any further

suggestions from Mr Edge as regards topics for a rant as

he imagines this one’s proved far too down-in-the-mouth!

Then again, perhaps not, as when it comes down to it,

isn’t the festive season all just a bit too overhyped for us

all these days, and in the end inevitably ends up being

one enormous LET DOWN that is finally compounded

when our dratted credit card bills arrive on our doormats

around the third week of January!

Page 8 The Edge 01245 348256

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Free One Day Pass

Need advice?Personal Training

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Guaranteed resultsGuaranteed funMake it fun!

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� � �Who’s kidding who?

CITIZEN

The Edge would have no hesitation in sticking

T K MAXX

coathangers straight into Room 101.

Whilst riffling through their jeans section every third

pair I ever look at generally falls to the floor

...and that’s where they bloody well stay!

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01245 262 [email protected] An idependently owned and operated �anchise.

Chelmsford

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BAD HANGERS

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 18/12/2013 10:06 Page 8

Page 9: Edge January 2014

www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 9

Look....NO HANDS!

What a novel way of not losing

your balance in a tube carriage.

These style of ‘booties’ (is that

what they call ’em?) on these style

of ladies are absolutely magnifi-

cent, aren’t they? They’re just so

multipurposeful.

For instance, when this lady had

returned safely home, her husband

(in the chequered shirt) decided to

wallpaper their spare bedroom

using his wife’s ass as a pasting

table and got the job executed with-

in but a couple of hours.

And in summer, when it all gets a

bit too hot out in the garden, his

wife lays on their patio whilst her

husband sticks a parasol pole into

her ass and hey presto, instant

shade.

Honestly, readers, it is just amazing

what you can do with a ‘bootie’. All

homes should definitely have one.

www.bootielicious.co.uk

So what’s the story behind this love-

ly Morris Minor Pick-Up that The

Edge spotted parked in Moulsham

Street the other day?

It’s a beaut....but who owns it?

How long have you had it?

Where did you buy it?

And what do you use it for?

So far as The Edge knows, Morris

Minors date back to the late 1940s,

John Noakes (the former Blue Peter

presenter - “Get down, Shep!”) used

to drive a red convertible model on

‘Go With Noakes’, although it’s the

wood-framed Traveller (estate) ver-

sion that The Edge remembers

most fondly.

Love the gold colour of this particu-

lar model - and the wheels.

It looks as though it’s proper fun

driving it and if you had a bed of

straw in the back and a pig, then

hell, it’d finish ‘the look’ off com-

pletely.

Is it road tax exempt too? (Even

better!)

It’s just a proper ickle corker of a

motor car and The Edge is very

curious indeed.

So go on....spill the beans!

One Way to Stabilise

Oneself on the Tube

What’s the story?

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:55 Page 9

Page 10: Edge January 2014

Page 10 The Edge 01245 348256

To His Lordship: Mr Edge

We are gathered here today to say agrand farewell to someone who hasshaped local debate over the past 18months; a man who has grasped theimagination of this fare ‘city’; a manwho has bamboozled you mainstreamthinkers and said: “I, the Gent, standup for what I believe in.”

In many cultures one has had thepleasure of profiting from....they nameeach year after an animal; the Snake,the Tiger, the Swan. Well, ladies andgentlemen, 2013 will go down in manypeople’s minds as the year of ‘TheGent’. {Interestingly, if ‘The Gent’ wasan animal, he would probably be abear, a ruddy big brown one.}

People of Chelmsford, my Chelms-ford, we have laughed, we have cried,we have got infuriated by one another.One remembers fondly reading thatone of you little rascals wrote of myThatcher memoir: ‘The person whowrote that article is a complete .’The Edge’s readership have suchsubtlety of tongue. I say to this face-less slug, like dear Lady Thatcherwould’ve: “Where there is discord,may we bring harmony.’ As she did.And as I sought to do.

One does not anticipate an utterly out-landish memorial the likes of whichwe have seen recently, with a shoddy,drunk, sign-linguist interpreter, and theworld and his wife having a competi-tion as to who could be the biggestgushing moron. One is pleased that itis now plainly accepted that his role inthe 21st century was largely ‘over-egged’.

No, we prefer stoicism. A brief touchof the hand, a single tear, beforeone’s emotions are gathered. One is agreat Britain after all. Growing up,‘The Gent’ remembers that one of thefarmhands round the corner, ratherabruptly, dare I say rudely, knockingon our grand door early one evening.He was 90 or so, and deadpan, ‘TheGent’ answered the door. He saidquite calmly: “My wife’s just died. Isyour Mum in?” Absolutely straight-faced. She was just asleep, he wasan idiot, but that’s not the point. Not ajot of emotion. We are not good atgoodbyes.

Why is ‘The Gent’ departing? Well,one is leaving these Essex shores.‘The Gent’ is upping sticks/his estate.Due to the rigid criteria of Edgecolumnists, this must be the end of

our open discussion. Our little tête-à-tête. Apologies for using the languageof the heathen.

One hears the cries, ”Don’t go.” Oh,‘The Gent’ has taught you so well. Butthe thing is, this county has become acaricature of itself. Silly Billy orangenitwits loitering, all brash and cock-neyesque - the dimwit allowed to rule- over the strivers. True Essex Gentsand (some) ladies had a market driv-en desire to get on at the expense oftheir ‘puny’ neighbours. One has abigger car, a bigger house than you -one is eminently superior and you are,quite frankly, a bit thick. Where’s thatspirit gone? It’s all gone a bit ruddycuddly. “Oh, look at this weasel in myhandbag. I’m off to wax my back.”

The Edge has always represented thebest of this county. Defiant, entrepre-neurial, couponistic, raw. It’s editorhas his own style; “You are feckinglate with your column yet again, youcretin.”. But he’s a good egg; honest,opinionated, ginger....a true bastion offree speech. ‘Shit Chelmsford!’ is tes-tament to the fact that this dearfanzine sees the good and the bad inthis little ‘town’ of ours. And there ismuch of both (see the emergingDeath Star by the Marconi building).

So long may this publication push theboundaries and long may it be sup-ported, oft causing the odd cappucci-no to be spat out on the morning com-mute to Liverpool Street. Or the occa-sional inappropriate belly laugh at theback of a Parent’s Evening gathering.Where would we be without it?Probably exactly as we are now, butwith a little less enjoyment in our lives.

As people, we must say what we feel,and not be afraid to say it either. Oneadmits one’s views on Europe and thescavenging vulture that is Brussels isa little ‘left-field’ for some palates. Oneaccepts ‘The Gent’ was a little judg-mental of the proprietors of Iceland.It’s just that you are failing as humanbeings, like vegetarians, or Unionmembers.

One leaves without a scandal, whichone can’t argue is a little disappointing- perhaps evidence of failure. But onehas tried.

But before one departs, it would bewrong of ‘The Gent’ not to impart fur-ther wisdom on you. So here it is, forthe very last time ever: DON’T SHITON YOUR OWN TIME.

The Gent

The Gentleman

BRIEF ENCOUNTER

Should havegone to

Whatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolution

and are here to help

www.essexmediation.co.ukChelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388

Harlow: 01279 311431

****

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:58 Page 10

Page 11: Edge January 2014

www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11

Terms and conditions: Valid Sunday - �ursday all day and Friday - Saturday before 6pm from 01 January 2014 to 31 January 2014 at Loch Fyne Chelmsford. Discount o� food bill only. O�er only valid on à la carte menu. �is o�er cannot be used in conjunction with any other o�er, promotion, set menu, lunch, breakfast or special event menus. One advert per table for a maximum of 4 diners. Please present this advert to your waiter on arrival. O�er expires 31/01/14.

Loch Fyne Chelmsford109-111 Bond Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1GS

Tel: 01245 293620

At Loch Fyne ChelmsfordSunday - �ursday all day (Friday - Saturday before 6pm)

Treat yourself to our mouth-watering à la carte menu or daily specialsincluding Lobster frites, seafood grill, king prawn masala or our

signature seafood platters and we’ll treat you to 25% o� your food bill

To enjoy this o�er, please bring this advert when you dine

2 5 % O F FF O O D

J O I N U S F O R

how very sophisticated

Places in Chelmsford don’t often get it right, and sadly, that’s the truth.

However, Justin Cracknell’s managed to do just that with the recent open-

ing of The New London restaurant where the old Red Lion pub used to

stand in New London Road, opposite Lower Anchor Street, and for that he

ought to be applauded.

Cast your minds back to the halcyon days of Bada in Broomfield Road,

when Barry & David created it, opened it, and ran it. The key to their

success was undoubtedly consistency, although The Edge loved their

minimalistic approach to everything bar what was in your glass or on your

plate.

That same consistency and attention to detail is what The Edge is expect-

ing from The New London, and what’s more, it has absolutely no doubts

whatsoever that Justin is going to deliver - and keep on delivering - simply

because that’s the sort of talented, decent and dedicated chap that he is.

Like the Bada of old, The New London is clutter free, predominantly grey,

but with a splash of red here and there, and The Edge just adores it. It is

clearly evident that Justin also has a passion for first-class contemporary

cuisine, but with a classic twist.

We were shown to a wonderful table for two overlooking New London

Road and the bright lights of the stop-start midweek evening traffic. OK, so

it might not have been Park Lane out there, but The Edge thinks that

what’s on the inside is right up there with the type of fare you’d be pleased

to receive if you were out fine-dining-it in the capital itself.

We began by ordering a bottle of Alta Vista (Malbec) £26.00 which tasted

delightful - we are very much into Malbec at the moment!

To start I had the seared scallops (including the roe, and honestly, why

ever not, for I happen to think it adds to the flavour), cauliflower beignets,

curried cauliflower puree £8.50 whilst Mrs E opted for the shredded short

rib of beef, chili & lime salad £6.50

Lovely as they both were, they prepared neither of us for what was about

to follow. Our mains; panfried seabass, cod, scallop, langoustine, roast

garlic mash, sorrel butter £19.50; duck breast, crispy leg, peas, smoked

bacon, baby gem lettuce, spiced honey sauce £17.50

Both (we do like to share) were absolutely sensational and I do mean seri-

ously, seriously, good. I have honestly never tasted duck like it. So succu-

lent; not at all fatty. And the seabass - with its crispy skin - was cooked to

perfection and tasted divine. Truly we are lost for plaudits.

By now the restaurant was about a third full on a Wednesday November

evening (the lull before the December storm?), but then The New London

has a gorgeous ambiance all of its very own and feels ‘cosy’ empty or full.

Judging by the other patrons present, there’s no way this restaurant will

ever be typecast either, as all ages were happily in attendance.

We shared an Apple Tatin with Salted Caramel Ice-Cream for dessert,

which was simply the icing on the cake of a wonderful, wonderful meal.

147 New London Road, Chelmsford, CM2 0AA. Tel: 01245 266288

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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:10 Page 11

Page 12: Edge January 2014

Page 12 The Edge 077 646 797 44

One of the general axioms of human

history is that people who create

things have always allowed their love

of new technology and innovations to

ruin the very thing they’re trying to

create. One of the principle reasons

behind this is attention-grabbing

behaviour, by which people try to get

free publicity not by being better than

the competition, but by showing how

forward-thinking they are. The fact

that progress in technology does not

necessarily correspond to progress in

quality seems, all too often, to get

lost.

Take, for example, the ‘loudness war’

that began to afflict the popular music

industry with the advent of digital

recording. You will notice the general

tendency towards this if you sit in a

pub that has a ‘random select’ playlist

going back forty or fifty years; the

more recent songs are invariably

louder than the older songs. That is

not in itself a problem, but in recent

years it has led to a battle between

bands on the basis not of how good

the music is, but of how loud the pro-

duction is. This reached its most stu-

pid level with the release of

Metallica’s album ‘Death Magnetic’,

which is mastered to such a high

level that it sounds distorted (not just

in the ‘heavy guitar’ sense). One can

get much the same effect by playing

music out loud on a ’phone. It’s horri-

ble. So, rather than technology being

used for its intended purpose - name-

ly to improve the effect of the music -

it has actually come to be used for a

totally contrary purpose; namely to

ruin the music just to prove that the

producer is capable of doing so.

The same kind of battle is now being

fought by brewers. We might call it

the ‘stupidity war’, for it consists

chiefly of brewers trying to outdo

each other in producing the stupidest,

foulest and most counter-intuitive

beers imaginable.

This isn’t specifically a brewing prob-

lem, of course. It afflicts modern cul-

ture generally, and its entry into the

realm of flavour creation can be

gauged by the infeasible popularity of

uber-twat chef Heston Blumenthal.

Like the real-ale brewers of Britain,

he cites history and tradition as the

basis of his products, and like the

worst brewers, he then proceeds to

completely ignore them in the execu-

tion. The result is crass, idiotic food-

stuffs and ‘food experiences’ which

have nothing to do with the genuine

enjoyment of food and everything to

do with the childish exhilaration of

getting one over on your friends by

doing something a bit different. It has

all the cultural validity of a plastic

novelty in a Lucky Bag.

In the beer world, the stupidity war

has manifested itself in the creation

of beers whose sole perceived virtue

is their extremity. Inspired by the US

micro-brewing revolution, UK brewers

have started to overload their beers

with ridiculous quantities of hops;

they appear not to have noticed that

the American versions are designed

to have the ‘sting’ taken out by being

served cold. Many new beers are cre-

ated with levels of bitterness that ren-

der them impossible for anyone with

functioning tastebuds to enjoy on

their own merit. Whatever enjoyment

is professed by the consumer is

merely the thrill of the exotic coupled

to a trainspotter’s obsession with

repeated routine. One has to wonder

if brewers actually send each other

pictures to demonstrate how many

hops, and which increasingly citric

and unpleasant varieties, they have

used in each brew. On three occa-

sions in the past week, I have found

beers so highly flavoured with the

aptly named Citra hop that they smell

indistinguishable from bathroom

cleaning products. Why would any-

one choose to drink them (needless

to say, I didn’t), other than through a

mania for keeping lists or the bravado

that leads morons to engage in chilli-

eating contests?

In a sense, we’ve been here before,

of course. Brewers in the 60s and

70s misapplied technological

advances in order to create bland

fizzy beer, just in the same way that

modern brewers have misapplied dif-

ferent advances to achieve different

effects. By the mid-seventies, people

had had enough of these beers, and

sales fell off markedly. There doesn’t,

so far, seem to be much evidence of

that happening to these new beers; if

anything, the opposite is the case.

But no-one should ever fool them-

selves that this has anything to do

with quality brewing or the apprecia-

tion of it.

Let battle commence!

David Sherman’s

BEER

REVIEW

Declaration of War

The Year That Was...as featured in The Edge!

U.T.C.

January 2013Edge features redeveloped bogs on MarketRoad which were officially opened at thetail end of November’12 by Puff Daddy.Edge describes outside of building as looking like “a Swedish Boat House.”

February 2013A copy of the mag reaches Machu Picchulong before its editor ever does, by kind courtesy of local couple Jill & John Barratt,the lucky devils.

March 2013Edge features an on-line plastic blow-updoll that ‘really is life-like’ called the‘Mexican Maid’. Sales go through roof soEdge patents design and makes a killing.

April 2013Edge questions Catholic Church as reckonsthis bloke ‘doesn’t look like pope material’.

May 2013Chelmsford Market kicks off Edge’s ‘Shit Chelmsford!’ series - due to it’sabsolutely revolting chicken-shit colour.

June 2013Editor masters ancient art of ‘shark balancing’ and lives to tell the tale after “great experience” in Riverside swimming pool.

Watch out for July - December 2013 next month, folks....IF The Edge can be arsed!

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:00 Page 12

Page 13: Edge January 2014

www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 13

Beer from

Heaven!Barista's third Winter Beer Festival

is to be held on Thursday 30th

January to Saturday 1st February,

reports Daniel Lucas.

For 2014 Barista will feature 14 real

ales, eleven of which you will dis-

cover down on their discreet dance

floor, with a further three available

from their very own unique gravity

pour taps that appear as if from

nowhere out of the ceiling (some

say “like being poured beer straight

from heaven!”).

Also available will be an array of

delicious Belgium fruit beers and

bottled ciders.

What a fantastic way to celebrate

Chelmsford’s very first beer festival

of the year by getting your drinking

goggles on and heading down to

Barista to saying goodbye to those

miserable winter blues!

Remember the carpet your feet used to

squelch into and stick to as you entered

Dukes, readers?

Well go check out THE DUKES EXHIBI-

TION at Chelmsford Museum and you

can stand on a brand new piece off the

original roll (see page 4).

The iconic Dukes nightclub called time

on 1st January 2012, yet for almost 30

years it was as symbolic of Chelmsford

as is the dratted Army Navy flyover.

The building actually started life as the

Lion & Lamb Hotel back in 1823.

Damaged during the war, it was rebuilt in

brick in the 1950s.

In 1990, now firmly established as

Dukes, it had a refit that included a

£1million lighting rig and video wall.

Ten years later the club was once again

remodeled with a brand new entrance at

the rear, lasers and an even bigger

dance floor.

Chelmsford Museum have done their

level best to pay homage to the Dukes

experience through photographs and

memorabilia; upon entering you will even

pass by the original Dukes desk!

So why not pop along and reminisce, or

pop along and see what you missed.

As a memento of your visit, a limited

number of Crackerjack (sorry, Dukes)

pens and VIP passes will be given away.

Now open and running until 21st April.

For further details contact:

[email protected]

DUKES

REMEMBERED

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:10 Page 13

Page 14: Edge January 2014

Page 14 The Edge 077 646 797 44

Estate Agents are generally the up-beat type, writes Stacy Walpole of

The Home Partnership. Selling property, to the right buyer, quickly and at

an impressive price, requires a ‘can do, will do’ approach that is unlikely to

be found in a pessimist.

Agents with a positive attitude are more likely to be able to identify oppor-

tunities on behalf of their clients. Combine that with a strong focus on

proactivity and hard work and results tend to follow.

To this end, we at THP have found that embracing the following activities,

at a time when some agents are blaming the market, pays real dividends:

1. Encouraging former homeowners to consider releasing their property.

These homeowners in turn become buyers again, adding fuel to the mar-

ket.

2. Demonstrating to buyers and investors that this is actually a historically

good time to purchase property. We do, of course, have all the economic

data and housing stats at our disposal to prove this point.

3. Having direct access to all the latest mortgage products thereby

empowers buyers who might previously have had difficulty securing fund-

ing.

4. Becoming even more deeply involved in managing chains of linked

transactions. This might include not only chasing mortgages and con-

veyances up and down the line, but even renegotiating a distant deal in

order to save others.

5. Working more intensively with good buyers by interpreting their needs,

thereby helping them to understand where areas of compromise may be

required. By also helping them to recognise relative value, this in turn

helps them feel confident about any offer they may make, ensuring that

the sale ultimately sticks.

So at a time when some agents are wondering where their business has

gone, why not engage with an agent who, through true hard work, innova-

tion and a positive, progressive approach, continues to deliver exceptional

results. Call us on 01245 250222 for an initial no-obligation chat, especial-

ly if you are a frustrated seller already on the market with another agent.

UP

BEAT

� �������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������

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W A N T E D

Taxi Drivers / PSV Minibus Drivers

& Owner Drivers

Good Rates of Pay!

Please call: 07860 968 639

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:54 Page 14

Page 15: Edge January 2014

www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 15

‘THE DADDY’

T&C’s: Typical sightseeing tour includes ‘Hop-on/Hop-off bus tour, or river cruise. All holidays must include a minimum of three night’s accommodation.

0844 854 [email protected] <

www.firstcall4travel.co.uk < facebook.com/firstcall4travel <

“Make your travel plans a reality... BOOK TODAY!”

Looking for a short City Break to remember?Planning to treat your partner to a romantic getaway? We can tailor-make theperfect itinerary just for you! All our destinations are easy to get to, with lots tosee and do, nice places to eat, great shopping and interesting cultural events.Plus, we are giving away a FREE city sightseeing tour (per person) for all citybreaks booked during January 2014.

3* Amsterdam, NH Tropen, 3 nts Room Only Depart: Southend 27 Feb 2014from £165pp

4* Venice, Hotel Bonvecciati, 3 ntsB&B Depart: Southend 14 Mar 2014from £326pp

5* Prague, Mamaison Riverside, 3 nts B&B Depart: Stansted 04 Apr 2014from £279pp

This is Mel Sanders, ladies and gentlemen, creator of Solo Home Improvementssome 30 years ago in Chelmsford, only these days they’re going stronger than evernow that they’ve rebranded as Solo & Sons and Mel has his four sons Luke, Arron,Toby and Ben all on-board....who Mel also had a hand in creating, so he informs TheEdge..“We’ve never advertised,” says Mel, “as we’ve never needed to. All our work comesthrough word-of-mouth, but with our change of name I just thought it’d be nice tohave a bit of a splash in The Edge!”As Mel says, 75% of Solo’s work is pure recommendation with the other 25% arriv-ing via Trust-a-Trader where they receive exceptionally good reviews (why not checkthem out and see for yourselves, readers).Solo & Sons can pretty much build you a brand new house, such are the skills attheir disposal.“It’s unusual to have a local company still going strong after 30 years,” says Melproudly, “but we like to think we offer a quality product, a quality service, and if thereare ever any snags, we like to get them sorted out as quickly as possible.”When he’s not up to his ears in all things Solo, former flanker Mel likes nothing bet-ter than watching the Saracens play rugger!

SOLO & SONS

01245 441962

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 18/12/2013 14:19 Page 15

Page 16: Edge January 2014

Page 16 The Edge 077 646 797 44

This season’s Premiership has

been absolutely fantastic so far

and The Edge thinks that’s due in

no small part to Sir Alex Ferguson

no longer being in charge at

Manchester United (in all honesty,

had he been, would United really

be languishing in eighth place at

this particular time of the year?).

So by stepping aside, Sir Alex has

inadvertently made it a far more

exciting and open competition.

Whoever would have thought that

Arsenal would fare so well after

their 1-3 opening catastrophe and

capitulation at The Emirates

against Aston Villa? Make no mis-

take, many fans were baying for

Arsene Wenger’s blood on that

sultry August afternoon. Yet now

look at ’em?

And how exciting must it have

been to welcome Mourinho back to

The Bridge if you’re a Chelski fan?

But can he reproduce his old

magic second time around?

For what it’s worth, The Edge fan-

cied Manchester City even before

a game had been played this sea-

son and fully expects them to kick-

on now that the festive fixtures are

out of the way. They have cash

coming out of their boot laces and

really, it’d be a travesty if they did-

n’t ultimately capitalise whilst

neighbours United are going

through a transitionary period.

However, it’s teams like Everton,

Liverpool, Villa, Southampton and

West Brom that are really interest-

ing The Edge. All of their man-

agers are fascinating in their own

right, as is the type of football they

are attempting to play, and The

Edge would just love one of those

five to win one of the knock-out

competitions to validate the fact

that they’re on the right lines.

But it’s funny how you can quickly

go from being ‘flavour of the

month’ one season, as is the case

where Swansea are concerned, to

also rans this term. And after much

early season promise, The Saints

are belatedly flattering to deceive.

Surprise package of the season?

It’s got to be Newcastle United yet

again. After a fraught time last sea-

son, Alan Pardew seems as

though he’s once again got the

geordies firing on all cylinders, as

he miraculously did during the

2011-12 campaign, and somewhat

amazingly he’s also the second

longest serving manager in The

Premiership, which is plain crazy!

New London Road Telephone Box

Purchased For £1.00This is Justin Cracknell, readers, MD and creator of the all new The New

London restaurant in New London Road, Chelmsford, and he’s just bought

the red telephone kiosk situated out the front of his restaurant for one

whole UK pound sterling!

Justin views the telephone box in question as an iconic piece of British

architecture and says it’s actually a listed building.

“I wanted to embrace its colour in The New London,” states Justin, “with

discreet touches of red here and there, though anyone who’s been in

knows I favour grey and to

keep things as minimalistic as

possible.”

Justin contacted BT about the

’phone box soon after purchas-

ing the former Red Lion pub

and was told it could be his for

the princely sum of just £1.00.

You normally only get bargains

at Poundland for that price.

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:55 Page 16

Page 17: Edge January 2014

www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 17

The Cycle Company in New Street is

an independent shop established since

the early 1920’s, originally selling

cycles and mopeds, where my father

worked as a boy before eventually tak-

ing over, writes Michael Smith.

After working here from the tender age

of eleven, I decided to buy the business

from my dad back in 2007.

Naturally we still sell bicycles to gener-

ations of families where the older mem-

bers still remember when they had their

very first cycle as a child from our shop.

Since taking over we have naturally

moved with the times and today offer

quality brands from the most estab-

lished manufacturers, such as Giant,

who are the biggest cycle company in

the world and actually design and make

all of their own bikes plus many other

brands besides.

We specialise in our customer service,

after-sales service and all kinds of

repairs far too numerous to mention.

We are here to advise and assist every-

one - from the novice to the triathlete.

During my time over the past thirty-

something years I have seen many

changes and many new cycle outlets

arriving in our ever growing city, widen-

ing the portfolio of brands available.

Yet here we still are, evolving with the

times, from the good old days of

Hoffmans and Marconi, from the old

3-speed hub bikes to the days of the

University and today's busy city life with

30-speed cycles, carbon road bikes

and electric cycles to boot.

So why not come and have a browse

around our sale this month. You never

know, we might have just the cycle for

you!

Riding with the times

New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PP. TEL: 01245 28 39 29New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PP. TEL: 01245 28 39 29

JANUARY SALENOW ON!

27TH DEC. - 31ST JAN.

JANUARY SALENOW ON!

27TH DEC. - 31ST JAN.

PULSE is going to SARDINIAIf you want to tone-up, lose some weight and go home with a tan

whilst having all the outdoor fun in the world,

then come with us to sunny Sardinia!

Pulse is pleased to announce it’s 2014

EXERCISE RETREAT in beautiful, stunning Sardinia.

Stay in a traditional villa on a full-board basis and enjoy a full

programme of YOGA, TREKKING, CORE STABILITY,

RUNNING and much, much more, whilst topping

it off in the evening with a gentle stroll

around the old town & harbour.

The costs are all-inclusive (excluding flights) and cover all

sessions, accommodation, two nutritious meals a day, transfers

and gorgeous sandy beaches are but a minutes walk away whilst

the main town of Alghero is also within easy reach.

We only take small groups of 6 to 8 people as we feel we can offer a

far better1-2-1 personal service for our clients and cater

for varying degrees of fitness that way.

Our season starts from April through to June 2014,

then September through to November 2014

(we do not operate the months in between due to the severely

high temperature).

For further details and/or to book your place contact David on

07802 39 66 96 or 0845 075 3945

[email protected] www.pulseinsardinia.com

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:55 Page 17

Page 18: Edge January 2014

NOT A HAPPY BUNNYDear Mr. t'Edge,

I recently received the £200 winter

fuel payment from the government

and I'm not a happy bunny.

My TVR Chimaera uses super-

unleaded and only does 18mpg,

yet I still get the same allowance

as someone who drives a diesel

Skoda that does 65mpg.

I complained about this to Simon

Burns MP, but he did not respond.

Whatever happened to our 'caring

society'?

Regards,

Dave Preston.

P.S. Hope you receive my email

OK as I'm not sure about the con-

nection here in the Maldives.

Oh, that’s right, Preston....rub

our bleedin’ noses in it, why

don’t you. E.E.

BEAULIEU PARKDear Sedge,

I read Flabbergasted’s letter in

t’Edge with interest the other

month and have a lot of sympathy

for her. Frustrated at not being able

to get into The Meadows to pick up

my monthly drivel fix, I had a brain-

wave. Why not take a slight devia-

tion off my school run and pick up

a copy from Larry Sandum’s gym

in Boreham?

So I did that today and guess

what? There was some blonde girl

sat at the reception desk, filing her

nails (as they always seem to do),

so I asked her if there was any

chance she could let me have a

couple of copies of your mag.

You will never guess what she told

me, so I’ll tell you anyway. She

said, “We don’t stock them here.

The Edge man simply unloads

them here every month before they

get delivered around Beaulieu

Park.”

What a brown-noser you really are,

Sedge, for actually delivering

copies to Beaulieu Park.

I would be happy to forgive and

forget this matter, so long as you

can provide me with a couple of

outlets on the Broomfield side of

our great city as recompence?

I am not desperately short of funds,

but I really don’t want to move to

BP simply to have my copy deliv-

ered every month.

And do your agents also deliver to

the seedier sides of BP?

Kind regards,

Aviator.

P.S. How many of your BP fans go

camping for their holidays?

That’s an awful lot of questions,

Aviator. As regards a Broomfield

distribution outlet, well, I cannot

possibly say as there’s another

magazine that’s started up that

reads every last word The Edge

ever prints and likes to put their

mags wherever I put mine. The

seedier side of Beaulieu Park,

you say? Why, I never knew it

had one. However, they’re all

‘fur coats and no knickers’ up

on Beaulieu, so you can bet your

bottom dollar that they do go

camping. E.E.

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm

still alive.

I'm writing this letter slowly

because I know you can't read so

fast.

We are all doing very well. You

won't recognise the house when

you come visit us next as we have

moved. You see, your Dad read in

the ’paper that most accidents hap-

pen within 20 miles of your very

own home, so he wanted to lessen

the chances. However, I won't be

able to send you our address

because the previous family that

lived here took the house number

with them so that they wouldn't

have to change their address.

It’s a very nice place though and it

even came with a washing

machine. Mind you, I'm not sure

that it works so well as the last

time I put a full load in and pulled

the chain I honestly haven’t seen it

since.

Your father's got a really good job

and he's now got 500 men under

him. He's cutting the grass at the

cemetery.

Your sister Mary has had a baby,

but I haven't found out if it's a

boy or a girl yet, so I don't know

whether you’re an auntie or an

uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army

and is doing very well indeed. He's

only been in there a short while

but they've already made him a

court marshal.

Sadly, your Uncle Patrick drowned

last week in a vat of whisky on a

visit to the Dublin Brewery. Some

of his workmates tried to save him,

but he fought them off bravely.

When he was cremated it took

three days for them to put out the

fire.

I'm also sorry to say that your

cousin Seamus was arrested whilst

out riding his bicycle the other

week. He’s been charged with

dope peddling.

I went to see the doctor the other

day and your father went with me.

The doctor put a small tube in my

mouth and told me not to open it

for five minutes and your father

wanted to buy it off him.

The weather isn't as bad here as

where we used to live either. In

fact, it’s only rained twice this

week. The first time it rained for

three days and the second time it

rained for four days.

However, the week before it was

so windy that one of the chickens

laid the same egg four times over.

We’ve received a letter from the

undertaker. He said if the last pay-

ment on your grandmother's plot

wasn't settled within seven days,

then up she would come.

And about that coat you wanted

me to send you. Your Uncle Stan

said it would be far too heavy to

post in the mail, what with all those

buttons on it, so we cut them off.

And the arms as well.

Cousin John locked his keys in his

car yesterday. We were really wor-

ried because it took him over two

hours to get both me and your

father out.

Unfortunately, and I don’t like to be

the bearer of bad news, three of

your old school chums recently

went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.

Ralph was driving, but he managed

to kick out the windscreen and

swim to safety. But your other two

friends were in the back and they

drowned because they couldn't get

the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this

end though as nothing much has

happened.

Your loving Ma.

P.S. I was going to send you some

money, but I’ve already sealed the

envelope.

DOCTOR WHO EXHIBITION

Dear Mr t'Edge (again),

Me and my mate Skooby were

wandering through the Excel

Centre t’other day when we stum-

bled upon the The Doctor Who

Experience.

Fortunately we managed to blag

our way in without paying and what

an experience it was.

There were thousands and thou-

sands of geeks, nerds and weirdos

in there, most of them wearing Tom

Baker multi-coloured scarves or

Sylvester McCoy one-size-too-

small panama hats, all queuing up

for the 'Tardis Adventure'.

Skooby reckoned that the inside of

the Tardis was, in fact, the exhibi-

tion hall next door, and feck me,

when we snuck round the back, he

was damn right too.

There was also the opportunity to

get the autograph of a bit-part actor

who had played a slime-creature in

the 1970s, or for £13 you could

have your photo taken with a

green-headed monster (whose

costume was ever so slightly too

short, revealing his 'George at

Asda' trainers).

If you are thinking of visiting, both

me and Skooby suggest you go in

costume (i.e. shave your head and

stick some sort of a pubic wig on it

cos you'd have to be some sort of

Clark Kent to voluntarily pay the

£45 (yes, £45!!!) admission fee.

Regards,

Dave Preston (again).

P.S. As I said, the Tardis really is

just another exhibition hall, which is

a complete and utter bummer after

50 years of believing there was

indeed ‘another dimension’. My

mate Skooby was distraught.

When we left, after just 15 minutes,

we said to the girl on security (who

had let us in without paying) that

we couldn’t believe that people

were actually willing to shell out

£45 to see such dross and the

word she used to describe them all

was “saddos”.

Now you can’t go around calling

Dr Who fans ‘saddos’ just

because they happen to like

something that you particularly

don’t, Prezzer. Some folks clear-

ly get right ‘into’ travelling

timelord aliens whizzing about

the Universe in a blue Police

Box, in much the same way as

other folks like going out for

meals, or down to their local, or

to watch football matches, or

concerts. It’s horses for courses,

you see, lad. Each to their own

and all that.

Even though The Edge does find

it all a trifle strange, it does have

to admit. E.E.

Page 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44

YOUR

[email protected]

to edge!the

&letters

emails

LETTER FROM AN IRISHMOTHER TO HER SON

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:23 Page 18

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When The Edge says kids, what itreally means, of course, is old kids,just like your Uncle Edge, whoused to tune in to The Hair Bear

Bunch back in 1971-72, whichmeans that it can’t have been themost popular cartoon show thatHanna-Barbera ever produced,that’s for sure.But what sticks in The Edge’s mindis Botch regularly saying, “Oohooh, Mr Peevly, sir, ooh ooh,”whenever Mr Peevly gave him anorder.The series was about three bearswho were always trying to find away out of Wonderland Zoo.Meanwhile, in the blue corner, theguy who was continually trying tostop them was Head Zookeeper

Mr. Eustace P. Peevly and hishopelessly inadequate assistantLionel J. Botch, who always lookeda bit like a badly shaved gibbon toThe Edge.Oh, and do you remember HairBear’s invisible motorcycle, read-ers?God, what a glorious job it must beto come up with cartoon capers forthe likes of The Hair Bear Bunch

as a ‘paid for’ monthly salary.

REMEMBER THESE GUYS, KIDS?

HAIR BEAR SQUARE BEAR BUBI BEAR MR PEEVLY BOTCH

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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:07 Page 19

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Page 20 The Edge 077 646 797 44

Killa Hurtz are not soulmates with KeyserSoze out of The Usual Suspects, but theyare, in fact, Chelmsford’s one and only FlatTrack Roller Derby team, writes Kelli Clark. So what the frick is Roller Derby when it’s athome? It is described as rugby on skates, only with-out a ball, even one of those odd shapedballs that rugby players use that don’tbounce properly. Think Rollerball (seventies movie) althoughminus the brutal battle to the death bit andyou won’t be far wide of the mark.The sport originated in the USA and has hada number of reincarnations from enduranceskating through WWE style dramatic stagedskate fighting to its current form that wasborn in the early 2000s. The sport gained global recognition after themovie Whip It starring and directed by DrewBarrymore. While the movie certainly helpedraise awareness of the sport outside of theUS, it is not entirely accurate. For instance,at one point in the movie, Drew Barrymorepunches an opponent in the face with norepercussions whatsoever. However, if truthbe known, that sort of behaviours would like-ly have you escorted from the building if ithappened in a real game of Roller Derby. In brief, Roller Derby is played on a flat ovaltrack. There are 2 teams of 5 players on thetrack at any one time, each with 1 jammer(the point scorer) and 4 blockers (mostlydefensive players). The blockers from eachteam make up ‘the pack’ who must sticktogether when skating around the track. The jammers start off behind the jammer lineand behind ‘the pack’. When the whistleblows, the pack set off and the jammersattempt to make their way through the packand out to the front whilst the blockers doanything they can to try and stop them. After the initial pass, the jammers then skatefast round the track to the back of the packand attempt to pass again, only this time thejammer scores a point for every oppositionplayer that she passes. The game is split into 2 minute gamesknown as ‘jams’ and lasts for an hour. With aline-up of 14 players on each team, playingon rotation, this is a full contact sport andplayers wear their bruises as a badge ofhonour!Let me introduce you to our team:Clark/Smash! Our fearless captain runs atight and terrifying ship. God help any victimon the end of one of her powerful hits. Justlike the Hulk, don’t make her angry!Space-Hop-Her, our beloved vice-captain. Ibeg you not to get between her and herdeadly notebook.The rest of the team are: Princess PrissyPants, one time figure skater who was dis-qualified from competition after she bit heropponent for cheating.Snarley-Quinn, who ran away with the circuswhen she was just 8 years old where shelearned the art of invisibility. She’s able tovanish whilst jamming and is literally impos-sible to stop.Rink Bad-Yin. A distant ancestor ofBraveheart, just watch what happens whensomeone comes between her and her free-dom.

Meleficent: An awfully nice girl ‘til the powersof evil corrupted her. Now the most lethalconcoction of hard hits and speed, last seencackling over a cauldron. Dolly Chops has the crushing power of aQueensland salt-water croc, so Joeleen wasin for quite a shock when she tried to takeher man.Miranda Hart-Less has her own evil chatshow. Contestants line up to be a part of theaction, but are never seen again. Ninja Spice was an original member of apopular 90’s girl group that can’t be namedfor legal reasons. Leppers. Legend has it that she once losthalf her head in a horrendous helicopteraccident - but it grew back. This girl cannotbe hurt!Kami-Kali Scarlet grew up in the Middle Ageswhere she had to fight for food and starvingwas not an option. She is now 726 years oldand appears each year to get younger.Inggsy has the killing instinct of a Malayantiger, the agility of a South East Asian gibbonand the legs of a Kenyan giraffe. This girl willtrample any rival in her way.Rakey Breaky Face, our secret lovechild ofBilly Rae Cyrus and Catwoman. Miley Cyruscurrently has a court order preventing Rakeyfrom approaching her whilst on skates.Cannot be trusted.Irn-Brutal. Doctors once discovered that herblood runs carbonated orange but no-onehas managed to break her skin since. Brutalby name, brutal by nature. Chaos Thor-E, the goddess of destruction.She is able to summon the forces of naturewhen she takes to the track.Iron Dan, our tenacious NSO (non skatingofficial) aka The Don. He is the oracle of allthings Derby and has NSO’d for both TeamEngland and Team USA. Beware his mightywhistle.Our plans are to recruit more skaters, moreNSO’s and more refs. NSO’s and refs can bemale or female and skaters need to be 100%female and all aged over 18. Good people of Chelmsford and surroundingareas, can you find a space for us in yourhall/barn/hearts (one midweek evening perweek) in exchange for good old fashionedEnglish Pounds? We have called probablyevery venue we can think of in our city andsurrounding areas, but as soon as we men-tion roller skates, we get completely shotdown. Truth is, we play on wheels suitablefor the floor surface we are playing on andcurrently skate at Riverside on a Sunday andNeil the dry-side manager will tell you thatwe are a lovely lot who never damage hisfloor! So please contact Clark/Smash if you canhelp us out at [email protected] www.killahurtzrollergirls.co.uk Otherwise, look out for us at any upcomingbouts and get on down and support us! You will be entertained in a way that youmay never have been before as we genuine-ly kick ass and in a recent tournament,despite being the ‘new kids on the block’ andnot at all fancied, ended up coming 4th outof 15 teams, with the top 3 being the threemost established teams in the country.Not bad, eh?

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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:07 Page 20

Page 21: Edge January 2014

Exam season is upon me once again. Naturally, one would assume that

I’d be getting worried about revision, whether I’m going to get it all done in

time, whether what I’m revising is going to be useful to me, and indeed

whether what I’m revising is actually being retained between my ears.

The thing is, what’s currently concerning me more than all that - even

though it really shouldn’t be - is whether or not I’m going to be able to get

a bloody seat in the library in order to get stuck into my revision. I never

imagined I’d get so worried about whether or not I’ll be able to park my

backside or not, but revising in my flat is a total non-starter. The library is

therefore the only way to get any proper work done, so getting a seat is

paramount.

However, certain cretinous persons, namely some of my fellow students

and those with the incomprehensible ability to wake up before 09:00am,

seem to be turning getting a seat in the library into a bit of a game. They

pride themselves on weaseling their way in there and taking all of the

available seats before I’ve even had the opportunity to take my ritualistic

morning dump, let alone have any breakfast and get packed for an ardu-

ous day’s revision.

I’ve tried to beat them to it.

I’ve attempted several

methods of early morning

entry into said library.

Firstly, skipping breakfast

entirely, yet the flaw with this

process is that it makes any

attempted revision futile as I’m

always incredibly hungry and

all I can think about is how

angry I am that I had to skip

my breakfast.

Secondly, moving my morning dump to the library (though not literally),

though this means I end up having to wipe my lovely soft bottom on really

rough, cheap toilet paper, which is just not how I’ve been brought up.

Thirdly, cycling to the library, although I only attempted this once and in so

doing I unfortunately got a puncture, which made me even later than if I’d

walked. I’m also yet to fix said puncture, which would be a waste of valu-

able revision time. (As you can see, I truly am a conscientious young man

indeed.)

Finally, and somewhat annoyingly, getting up earlier. However, when I

tried it, this just meant that I rewarded myself with a lie-in the following

day, which was entirely counter-productive to the learning I’d accom-

plished the previous day in a golden library seat of revision magnificence.

Out of these methods, clearly getting up earlier is the one to opt for. But in

so doing, I feel myself begrudgingly conforming with the stuffy attitudes of

the early morning riser brigade whilst turning myself into one of the people

I actually despise.

Naturally there’s always a rush to get into the library and grab any avail-

able seat, but why can’t students stick together and make that rush occur

at a sensible hour of the day (for instance, 10:00am)? By getting up earlier

I’m only agreeing to have ‘rush hour’ occur earlier in the day.

It’s all a case of weighing up whether I am happy to be despised by those

I claim to be a follower of (i.e. those who awaken at a reasonable hour) or

to continue to awaken at a reasonable hour and not get a seat at the

library, thus jeopardising my revision opportunities.

I’ve since decided that I’m simply going to have to throw away my cape of

non-conformist brilliance as these days I too weasel my way into the

library at such an ungodly hour of the morning, only to be surrounded by a

bunch of people I really cannot stand when I really should still be in bed.

Hmmmmmm. So does University prepare you for The University of

Life? Frankly, I wouldn’t know as I never went. But surely this young

man in particular is going to get the shock of his ever so young life

when he realises that the companies he eventually starts to apply to

for working opportunities mainly start their working days at the total-

ly “ungodly hour” of 09:00am.....much the same time as he currently

struggles to get to the University library for! E.E.

The Edge 01245 348256 Page 21

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Student LifeJames Wood is a local Chelmsford lad currently slogging his guts

out up at Edinburgh University. ‘Student Life’ is supposedly a thing

of folklore....but it’s not all party-party-party insists James.

Weasels waiting for the library to open

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:12 Page 21

Page 22: Edge January 2014

Knicker DrawerPaddy thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the

one’, but after looking through her knicker draw-

er and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids

outfit and a police woman's uniform, he finally

decided that if she can't hold down a job, she's

definitely not for him.

Scouse Convention54,000 Scousers meet at Anfield for a 'Scousers

Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd: “We are

gathered here today to prove to the world that

Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer

please?”

Wayne Rooney gingerly makes his way through

the crowd and steps up onto the stage.

Gerrard asks him: “OK Wazza, what is 15 plus

15?”

After about 20 seconds of careful thought,

Rooney answers: “Forty.”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. But

then the Scousers start chanting: “Give him

another chance! Give him another chance!”

So Gerrard says: “Well, since we have a capaci-

ty crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast

media here, I think we can give Wayne another

stab at it.”

So he asks him: “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds of intensely deep

thought, Wayne eventually says: “Twelve?”

Gerrard’s shoulders slump. He looks down at

his feet and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone

is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then all 54,000 Scousers begin yelling and

waving their arms in the air and shouting: “Give

him another chance! Give him another chance!”

So Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing

more harm than good, eventually says: “OK,

OK, but this is your last chance, Wayne. What is

2 plus 2?”

Silence hangs over the stadium. Rooney closes

his eyes and beads of sweat form on his brow.

After a whole minute he eventually whispers,

“Four?”

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadi-

um as the Scouse crowd to a man wave their

arms, stomp their feet and scream: “Give him

another chance! Give him another chance!”

VertigoPaddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.

He nears the top of the ladder and starts shak-

ing and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy

and says, "I tink I will ’ave to go home. I've

come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks, "’Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies, "No, I only live around the

corner."

No More Headaches A woman returns home and says to her hus-

band, "You know all these headaches I've been

having for all of these years? Well, they're

gone." "What?” her husband says. “No more

headaches? How come? What happened?"

His wife replies, “Della referred me to a hypno-

tist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,

stare at myself and repeat: “I do not have a

headache. I do not have a headache. I do not

have a headache.” Over and over again. And it’s

worked. My headaches are all gone."

Her husband replies, "Wow! That’s wonderful."

His wife says, "You know, honey, you haven't

exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom your-

self these past few years. Why don't you go see

the hypnotist and see if there’s anything he can

do for you in that department?"

So her husband agrees to give it a try.

Next evening, following his appointment, her

husband comes home, rips off his wife’s clothes,

carries her upstairs into their bedroom, drops

her onto the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be

right back." With that, he rushes into the bath-

room before returning completely starkers a few

moments later, jumps on top of her and makes

mad, passionate love to his wife like never

before.

His wife eventually says, "Boy! That was won-

derful, honey."

Her husband says, "Don't move! I’ll be right

back." And with that he goes back into the

bathroom and returns for round two a few

moments later, only this time it’s even better

than before and his wife is absolutely flabber-

gasted. But her husband says once more,

"Don't move, honey. There’s more. I'll be right

back." And with that he disappears into the

bathroom, only this time his wife sneakily fol-

lows him, and there he’s stood, in front of the

bathroom mirror, repeating over and over: "She

is not my wife. She is not my wife. She is not

my wife."

TitanicAfter 100 years of lying on the sea bed, Irish

divers are amazed to find that the Titanic's

swimming pool is still full.

Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a!A woman from New York was driving through a

remote part of Arizona when her car breaks

down. Fortunately for her an American Indian on

horseback comes along and offers her a ride to

the nearest town. So she climbs up behind him

on the horse and off they ride together.

The ride is pretty uneventful, except that every

few minutes the Indian lets out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-

a-a-a!” so loud that it echoes off the surrounding

hills and canyon walls.

When they eventually arrive in town, the Indian

drops her off at the local service station, before

yelling out one final “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” as he

rides off into the sunset.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"

asks the service-station attendant.

"Nothing that I know of," the woman answers.

"I merely sat behind him on his horse, put my

arms around his waist and held on tight to the

saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant says, "Indians don't use

saddles."

The CaretakerAt dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretak-

er at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is

there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob,

that your parrot, it is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the

International competition?"

"Si, Señor. That is the one."

"Damn! That's a pity. I spent a small fortune on

that bird. What did he die of?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten

meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead

horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Bob."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob. He died from all the work of

pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane, Ernesto? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about,

man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell

and the curtains caught light."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion

is destroyed, all because of a candle?"

"Yes, Senor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house. What was

the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!?!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very

late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I

hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium

head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite

shaft."

Silence.

Long silence.

Very long silence.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you are in

deep, deep shit, my man."

Test TalkText from daughter to Mum: Hello Mum. Need

sum advice. Have some of boyfriend’s cum

stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have

to cut hair?

Text from mum to daughter: No you won't. I've

had loads of cum in my hair over the years and

it will wash out.

Daughter back to mum: Sorry Mum. Bloody pre-

dictive text. I meant GUM.

Prostrate ExaminationAfter my prostate examination the doctor left.

Then the nurse came in looking a bit puzzled

and uttered the five words that no man ever

wants to hear: “Who the was that?”

Predictive TextBloody predictive text messages can be so

annoying. My ex obviously wanted to tell me

that she ‘loves me, misses me and wants me

back’. But instead, it came out as: “Stop stalking

me you psycho .”

Lost DogI found a dog in the park and on the collar it

said: ‘If lost please return to....’ and the address.

So I took it to the owners. But all they kept ask-

ing me was, “Where’s the feckin’ dog?”

Plumber’s VanWhen I saw the plumber’s van outside my

house I feared the worst, but thankfully he was

just banging the wife and there was no expen-

sive leak.

Stunner Next DoorThe stunner next door’s just been round, com-

plaining about items going missing from her

washing-line and threatening to call the police.

I almost shat her pants she was that angry.

FOOTNOTE: The Edge was shocked to read that diving sensa-

tion Tom Daley (19) has admitted to being homosexual.

The Edge thought he was older than that.

ONLYJOKING!

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected]

****

****

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:14 Page 22

Page 23: Edge January 2014

[email protected] Page 23

Hi Edge,

The only thing that lets your otherwise excellent mag down is your ‘Jokes

Page’. Are you and your readers stuck in the 1970s as it looks like a

Bernard Manning/Jim Davidson collection of bigoted thick irish, fat mother-

in-law, slutty women gags. Don't you guys ever watch Micky Flanangan,

Sean Lock, Paul Chowdry, Josie Long or shows like ‘8 out of 10 Cats’,

‘Have I Got News For You’, ‘Never Mind The Buzzcocks’, ‘Was It Something

I Said’, ‘Live At The Apollo’ or ‘Stand Up For The Week’ to see really cre-

ative comedy? You've got to raise your game people.

Paul Wellings.

Hmmmmm. Well as you can imagine, readers, The Edge didn’t take too

kindly to such stinging criticism and pointed out to Paul that (a) you

readers send in ALL the jokes, and (b) was he suggesting I actually

tape-recorded the shows and then copied them to print, or what?

So then he sent me the below...

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/theatredance/features/

the-50-best-jokes-from-the-edinburgh-fringe-898042.html

Or any of the stand-ups own sites like Jimmy Carr etc or even my modest

little book 'The Divine Comedians' available on Amazon http://www.ama-

zon.com/The-Divine-Comedians-Funniest-Stand-Up/dp/0954612167

So I typed in the very first option he gave me (from The Independent’s

website) only it said something about the page having a ‘redirect loop’

which completely stumped your editor, I can tell thee.

So to humour Paul, The Edge went onto a Jimmy Carr website (his 40

most memorable jokes, or something like that) and I honestly got to

joke number 9 before I found any of them remotely funny. Here goes:-

“I went up to one of those airport Information Desks and asked, “How

many airports are there in the world?”

But it’s not that funny, is it? It’s OK, but not ground-breaking.

Only I thought I’d better give Paul another crack at it, so here’s one

more:- “When you eat a lot of spicy food, like I did in Mexico, you can

lose your taste. I started listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”

So what The Edge is saying is: WHAT THE FECK’S WRONG with

Bernard Manning jokes and stereotypical jokes about so called ‘thick’

Irishmen and blonde women and big fat mother-in-laws?

Sure, Mickey Flanagan’s alright (or Flanangan as you call him) with his

‘cockney walk’ and what have you. And I do like Sean Lock. But if

you’re trying to tell The Edge that Mike & Bernie Winters, or Charlie

Williams, or Stan Boardman, or Jim Bowen, or Frank Carson’s not

funny and that The Edge’s jokes are all ancient.....!!!

www.rightbutchworkmen.com

The Only Thing...

What is this ‘BREAKING BAD’ all about, eh?

A few people have recommended it to The Edge now, yet it has

never even seen a single second of an episode.

There’s some geezer called Walter White, apparently (is this ’im?),

who’s a struggling high school chemistry teacher who turns to a

life of crime.

IS THAT IT?!?!?!

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:24 Page 23

Page 24: Edge January 2014

Page 24 The Edge 01245 348256

TEA WARSThe Edge has written a bit about a cup of tea’s favourite accompaniment,

the biscuit, on page 27 this month (“a drink’s too wet without one”), but how

many of you remember those god-awful adverts for Typhoo tea featuring, of

all things, a bloody gnu?

Here’s how one of the songs went...

“I’m a Gnu, how do you do?

I’ve just moved into the house next door to you.

I’ve lost my Typhoo, so let me ask you,

Can I borrow some of that most refreshing brew?

The flavour’s so fine, every time,

I just can’t wait to tell those friends of mine...”

Tut! Naff, or what (even worse than The Edge’s Jokes Page)?

There have been advertisements in the past that have been pure genius,

such as the Cadbury’s Smash Martians, the Honda advert featuring the

bald-headed driver and all that they make, with the Andy Williams (it was

Andy Williams, wasn’t it?) backing track, and Cadbury’s yet again with the

Gorilla playing drums to a Phil Collins ditty for their chocolate.

However, the Typhoo gnu ad simply wasn’t one of them.

What do you think those advertising hotshots with their dickie-bows, flouncy

handkerchiefs and kinky spectacles said to each other when they had to

come up with a brand new campaign for Typhoo?

Could it have been something like: “Er, what actually rhymes with Typhoo?”

Whatever it was, they failed mis-

erably (a gnu for gawd’s sake).

They need to take a (tea) leaf out of

both PG Tips and Tetleys showreel

of quality ads.

Christ-on-a-bike, even Yorkshire Tea

can spank Typoo’s arse....and it

tastes pretty good too.

Can’t think what got me to thinking

about the Typhoo Gnu, mind you.

Perhaps it was a spot of cheese

eaten far too late at night?

EROTIC

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Getting it right: PG Tips

and Tetleys Quick Brew

Those lovely fish-smelling folk at Loch Fyne

(you can never get it out of your hair, you

know...the smell of fish)

recently donated all of

their tips over a

3 day period

and raised...

...a really rather staggering £852.35

for Macmillan Cancer Support!

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:25 Page 24

Page 25: Edge January 2014

Relax, socialise & sip..

..take a break from the kids!

we make play time.. your time!• Enjoy fresh food, including snacks, lunches and cakes.• We serve cold refreshments, tea’s and of course ‘Koffee’.• Safe and secure soft play area to keep the kids busy.• An outside play and seating area for when the sun has got his hat on.

Stay Updatedtwitter. @kidsandkoffees facebook. KidsandKoffeeChelmsford

Former Brethrens’ Hall, Hall Street, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 0HG© Copyright 2013. Kids & Koffee Ltd. All rights reserved.

tel. 01245 259 225 email. [email protected]

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[email protected] Page 25

We seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall as regards this particular feature, readers,

which is a shame. Although The Edge did receive the following from reader John

Crouch, so take it away, JC....

“Having read December’s ‘Shit Chelmsford’ I can only say that I totally

agree with The Edge’s comments. It seems as though some of our planners

like only brand new concrete constructions that are totally devoid of any real

character or interest.

On a recent trip to Lavenham, I noticed they still have the same old shop

fronts that used to be down Tindal Street in Chelmsford. One shopkeeper

said that people travel from miles around to see such a time gone by era.

Somehow I can't see people travelling for miles around to be attracted by

the wondrous ye olde world charm of Chelmsford High Street.

This all harks back to a time when Prince Charles said that some of today’s

developments are simply carbuncles, remember?

By the way, if any of your readers have any old photographs of Chelmsford,

I would be greatly interested to see them.

Not all architectural decisions have been steps forward by any standard.

Some are real eyesores. One only has to think of the new Salvation Army

building fiasco on Baddow Road/Parkway. Talk about trying to step bravely

forward and alter their image. A ball and crane’s what’s required there.

Anyway, keep up the good work and carry on waking people up to what’s

being done to our shitty city in it’s supposed march of progress.”

SHIT CHELMSFORD!

• Enjoy fresh food, including snacks, lunches and cakes.• We serve cold refreshments, tea’s and of course ‘Koffee’.• Safe and secure soft play area to keep the kids busy.• An outside play and seating area for when the sun has got his hat on.

S y ptwitter. @kidsandkoffees facebook. KidsandKoffeeChelmsford

Former Brethrens’ Hall, Hall Street, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 0HG© Copyright 2013. Kids & Koffee Ltd. All rights reserved.

tel. 01245 259 225 email. [email protected]

kidsandkoffee.co.uk50p off entryBring this voucher with you and get 50p off per child on entry.- Offer only valid Monday - Friday.- Cannot be used in conjuction with any other offer.

Sperm Bank Opens in ChelmsfordThe very first email I opened on Wednesday 4th December 2013, whilst I

was compiling this January 2014 edition of The Edge, was sent to me by

Lengthy-Boy Matthew Sadler and funnily enough the heading above was-

n’t written as the subject matter. No, Lengthy-Boy had entitled his email:

Thirty Five Quid To Knock One Out!

Apparently a Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic has opened it’s doors at the

recently opened Baddow Hospital in West Hanningfield Road and bosses

are expecting, it says, to visit local Chelmsford bars and clubs hoping to

attract new (sperm - horrible word) donors.

The idea is the brainchild of the firm’s managing-director who intimated

that their intention will be to visit one or two local hotspots with a posse of

nubile young ladies in tow to hopefully encourage more people (although

The Edge thinks he means guys) to consider donating.

“We hope to become one of the largest sperm collection facilities in the

UK,” he said.

Along with sperm (eek), the centre will also offer services for egg dona-

tions (in boxes of 6 or 12) and surrogacy.

With a distinct shortage of sperm donors in the UK, the centre are keen to

address the problem by showing off their new set-up to all interested par-

ties, as well as explaining step-by-step exactly how the system works.

The first one is on Monday 20th January, so why nor start your week with

a bang, readers, and turn up all cocked and ready?

“We aim to take the seediness out of donating sperm,” says the MD,

“because after all, it is a totally amazing gift to make.”

Sperm donators are given £35 compensation per sample to help Get

Britain Back Working whilst egg donators (but not poached or hard boiled,

thank you very much) can get a one-off fee of £750.

Any questions, readers? Yes, you man. In the raincoat, right at the back?

“Can I stay there all day donating sperm and earn myself a cool £350?”

Erm, The Edge honestly doesn’t know the answer to that one (although

strongly suspects not), but suggests you contact the centre directly

instead on Chelmsford 241231 for succinct clarification.

The Edge very much doubts this Chinese SDC (sperm donating centre)

is in any way similar to the recently opened Great Baddow opperation...

...but one can but hope.

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OFF ENTRY

That’s right, just bring this voucher along

any Monday - Friday in January 2014

and you will receive 50p PER CHILD

OFF admission into Kids & Koffee!

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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:47 Page 25

Page 26: Edge January 2014

It’s January. The time of year when

we should all take stock of our lives

and make resolutions we have no

intention of keeping for more than a

couple of weeks, and make promis-

es to ourselves that we hardly ever

follow through on.

However, this year I’d like us all to

try something different.

Forget the gym. Don’t worry about

quitting smoking. Or promising

yourself you’ll look for a new job or

call your poor old Mum more than

once-a-month in future.

This year I’d like you to really look

at where you are and what you’re

doing and then ask yourself if

you’re actually enjoying life? Ask

yourself if what you’re doing actual-

ly makes you happy?

As I wrote a few months ago, happi-

ness is not a destination. It’s not

somewhere we can get to and then

settle down. In fact, a sure-fire way

to make ourselves unhappy is to

quixotically chase the nebulous

chimera of ‘happiness’, particularly

if we’re doing it via the medium of

buying useless stuff that we’ve all

convinced ourselves actually mat-

ters. However, that’s not to say we

shouldn’t be looking at ways to

make sure we’re not unhappy,

which is a different beast altogether.

Did you know that Gallup Polls over

the last few decades now put the

amount of people unhappy with

their job (which by extent pretty

much means their life) at 70%?

Just think about that for a second.

That’s well over half of the popula-

tion that’re unhappy doing the thing

they spend most of their time doing

than anything else, which is pro-

foundly depressing and just plain

wrong.

One in five of us go one step further

and actively hate our jobs, so why

the bloody hell are the vast majority

of us doing something that we really

don’t like for 40 odd hours a week?

Why are we resigning ourselves to

literally decades of drudgery, just so

we can finally retire and hopefully

spend our last 20 years (if we’re

exceedingly lucky) doing something

we might actually enjoy?

If you think this is a fair exchange

and not a fundamentally screwed

up way of living our lives, then

you’re wrong. You are so utterly and

totally wrong.

I’ll hazard a guess that a lot of you

reading this actually agree with me.

In fact, judging by the figures

above, I’d feel confident in saying

that the majority of you agree with

me. So why do we all just keep

plodding along doing the same old

things that we don’t enjoy doing and

resigning ourselves to it being an

acceptable way to live?

It’s at least partly psychological as

our brains are wired to prefer being

unhappy to being uncertain, mean-

ing we literally have a genetic dis-

position to carry on being miser-

able, rather than taking a risk and

trying to change it.

I’m going to risk sounding like the

new David Icke and state that I

think it’s also partly to do with

indoctrination. We’re all told from

day one that we need to work, that

we need to be successful, and we

need to achieve the nice house, the

nice car and top of the range white

goods, plus all the other bullshit that

we don’t really need. We’ve let our-

selves become convinced that life is

this big, important and serious thing

and it really isn’t. Or at least it

shouldn’t be.

Life should be fun or, in the end,

what’s the point?

We’re lucky enough to have this

amazing and beautiful world around

us, a huge place full of mystery and

wonder and a million and one

things to see and do, and we just

ignore it. We let it shrink around us

in order to sit in the same offices

day after day, before going to the

same pubs and restaurants night

after night.

Two weeks on a beach a year

shouldn’t cut it for any of us; we

should all want a lot more out of life

than that.

We’re only here once and we’re not

here for very long, so wasting our

years like we do is nothing short of

criminal.

If you’re genuinely OK with living

your life in monotonous drudgery for

decades and decades, just so you

can afford the latest iPad and have

a nice car, then you and I are seri-

ously at totally opposite ends of the

spectrum and there’s no way this

article has a cat in hell’s chance of

ever getting through to you.

I’m past believing and certainly past

caring that such is the accepted

way of life so the status-quo can

pucker up and smooch my (really

quite pert and lovely) little bottom.

Fact is, I just don’t hold with the

accepted wisdom that life is that

serious and important a thing any-

more. That’s just bullshit that conve-

niently makes all of us drones carry

on slogging away so we can buy all

the gimcrack knick-knackery that

lines everyone else’s pockets.

Life really isn’t about what you

have; it’s about what you do. It’s not

about how long you’re here for, but

what you do with your time whilst

you’re here.

I appreciate such sentiments may

sound trite, but I’ve come to believe

that what I’ve said is genuinely true

and I’m so convinced that I’m actu-

ally going to do something about it.

After months and months of plan-

ning and research already, I’m

about to take a complete U-turn and

just walk away from all of this drea-

ry bullshit that we put up with and

go and do something absolutely

awesome instead.

Will I be able to pull it off?

I have absolutely no idea.

Do I know what’s going to happen

from one day to the next?

Not a clue, and that’s an amazing

feeling to have after basically living

in a painfully stolid version of

‘Groundhog Day’ for oh so bloody

long.

But I refuse to waste any more

time, waste any more life, and run

the treadmill of careers and pen-

sions and savings plans. Instead,

my life is going to be about what’s

over the next horizon, about going

anywhere and trying anything for as

long as I possibly can.

Is it going to be hard?

Yes, of course it is, and I’ve already

had to make some significant

changes to the way I have lived my

life to date, not to mention some

considerable sacrifices. But making

any sort of significant change to

your life is always going to be hard.

Change, by its very nature, can be

destructive, but sometimes you

need to burn down what’s there

before you can start again, and if it

all works out, then hell, it’ll definitely

have been far more than worth it.

And if it doesn’t work out?

Then I’ll have tried.

Whatever happens, I’ll have broken

away from the normal paradigm and

chosen to risk being uncertain

rather than unhappy, and surely

making such a shift in perception is

a worthy goal on its own.

And if it does work out?

Then I could be doing literally any-

thing and my life could be heading

anywhere and that’s exactly what I

want. I could be bathing in rivers in

Mongolia, shaking spiders out of my

pants in the jungle, marrying a

beautiful girl in the desert, or literal-

ly legging it from the border in

Kazakhstan for having too much

whiskey in the boot of my truck!

My life will be about actually living,

not just existing, and to me, that’s

worth any sacrifices I might have to

make along the way.

I’ll be writing in more detail about

my plans and revealing all in next

month’s mag, so at least you’ll all

have been spared my usual brand

of inane bollocks for a whole two

months on the trot, and if I can

make just one of you seriously think

about what I’ve written and about

whether you’re really satisfied with

your lot, then I’ll be very happy

indeed.

You, the person reading this right

now, are a once-in-a-universe

occurrence. You’re the culmination

of a millennia of chance and cir-

cumstance coming together in

exactly the right order at exactly the

right time to even be alive here and

now. And when you look at it like

that, can you really say with a

straight face that you don’t owe it to

yourself, to the universe even, to

make as much of that life as you

possibly can?

I think we all do. More than that, I

think we deserve to.

THE LOST ART OF

LIVING

The Kingmeister reports

ME & MY adamantium

skeleton

Look Familiar?

Life should be more about this...

And definitely less of this!

Page 26 The Edge 01245 348256

...and less about this

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:48 Page 26

Page 27: Edge January 2014

It’s Thanksgiving Day as this monthly drivel-fest

is being penned. Although the Americans cele-

brate Christmas in the same way that we do in

the UK, with presents and a day off work, it’s

actually Thanksgiving Day that is the big family

occasion.

On the day before TD (which we’ll call it from

now on), the roads are jammed, the airports are

packed and the long distance trains sold out.

Everyone tries to get home for the holiday. In

this case, the word home is a variable. It isn’t

necessarily where you live, where you were

raised, or even where your parents are. No,

home in the context of TD is, I’ve come to

realise, wherever the family member with the

biggest house happens to be. So if your sister

lives in a mansion, for the one day, that’s home

for everyone, and the whole family descends on

the poor woman and she’s supposed to provide

festive vittles for parents, siblings, and associat-

ed spouses, offspring and hangers-on.

Just before TD, I was talking to a lady at work

who said she was going to have to cook for 20.

I jokingly said she should think of me on my

own with a tin of soup. She’d have swapped

places with me in an instant.

So it’s not unlike our Christmas then, with too

much food and an obligation to try and make

the day special and sociable for everyone. Even

though all you really want to do is get quietly

and gently sozzled and fall asleep in front of the

TV on your own.

The other noticeable thing about TD is that it’s

always on a Thursday - the last one in

November. Whoever came up with such a dumb

day is lost in the mists of time, but it does high-

light a few interesting differences between the

American approach to holidays and how we

view them in the UK.

Here in the US, taking a couple of extra days off

to stretch a weekend is considered a vacation -

probably the only one they will have for the

whole year, and it’s planned long in advance

and looked forward to as the big break from

work. Back in the UK, two weeks would be con-

sidered a pretty unexceptional time for a holiday.

The same attitude is true towards public holi-

days here. Although a great many people will

take the Friday after TD as one of their measly

allocation of PTO (Paid Time Off) days, they

would not consider themselves hard done by if

they had to go back to work on that day. The

same is true at Christmas. It’s only 25th

December that is a public holiday and everyone

is hard at it again on 26th.

One last thing. If someone were to ask you what

you understood by the term ‘Black Friday’, what

would be the response? You’d probably think it

was the day the stock market crashed, or some-

thing like that, because honestly, that’s what it

sounds like. But out here Black Friday has a

very specific meaning. It’s the day after TD. So

Black Friday is akin to our Boxing Day.

To make the likeness even more striking, just as

in the UK there are the famous Boxing Day

sales, so here in the US advertisements for the

Black Friday sales are all over the TV for weeks

beforehand.

In recent years the Boxing Day sales have start-

ed ever earlier, with some shops opening at

midnight on Christmas Night and the same is

happening here. A number of the big stores

have even said they will be open for their sales

at 10:00pm on TD.

Not everyone is happy with this, of course,

especially the poor buggers that work in those

retail emporiums. However, there’s no stopping

an idea whose time has come, and this one’s

here to stay. So don’t be surprised if you will

soon be able to buy a cheap TV at Curry’s on

Christmas evening instead of watching Only

Fools and Horses for the thirtieth time.

Why is it called Black Friday? Nobody really

knows, but the generally held theory is that

shops struggle along losing money for 11

months of the year, then in the four weeks after

TD, they finally move into the black. No, I agree,

it doesn’t sound very convincing, does it?

Anyway, that’s it from NYC for 2013. Here’s

hoping 2014 treats us well.

The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 27

Biscuit Heaven

And on the eighth day, God created the

biscuit as an accompaniment to a

right refreshing brew, and He saw

that they were well worth spending the

extra day over, all reet.

Well, we all have our own particular

favourites, don’t we, readers....so far as 

biscuit culture is concerned?

So what’s yours then?

A long time ago, when The Edge was a 

portly young editor, aged just 11, he 

remembers creating the calorific monster

that was ‘The Burger’.

This was actually two Rich Tea biscuits with

a Ginger Nut stuffed in between them and

only a very slight edge of it would fit into

your brew, so you’d nibble that bit away

before dunking the rest of it into your mug

of steaming tea to get it all nice and soggy.

H’heyyy, no wonder I was such a fat little

bastard, eh, readers?

But really, how cultured is a Rich Tea 

biscuit? Not very, it has to be said. 

Whereas the Digestive....now you’re talking!

The Digestive is often served in the upper

echelons of society, along with McVitie’s

HobNobs.

But if you favoured something light, what

about a Blue Riband....do you remember

those light, wafery things, readers?

Oh, and what about a Tunnock’s

Marshmallow biscuit in its distinctive red

and silver foil wrapper with the slightest

blob of jam at its epicentre? That is almost

a biscuit to self-flagellate over, is that.

Then there’s the dark destroyer; the

Bourbon. The ‘Shaft’ of the biscuit world.

And what about the Custard Cream? Where

would we be without the commonly Custard

Cream biscuit?

But if you’re looking for a couple of true

icons - the Marlon Brando and the James

Dean of the biscuit world, no less - then

how about Jaffa Cakes and Jammy

Dodgers?

The Edge was never much for Finger Nice

biccies, but a slice of Walkers Scottish

Shortbread on the other hand...

And could you ever watch an episode of

The Virginian, Bonanza or The Big Country

without wanting to unwrap a Wagon Wheel -

and always feeling mightily sick afterwards.

In a word (or three) Cadbury’s Chocolate

Fingers - yet another absolute classics.

Oh, and an orange flavoured Club biscuit -

the true icing on the cake!

Just to let you know though, this list does

not contain ‘Posh Biscuits’, the likes of

which.... Well, for instance, in The Edge 

cupboard right at this very minute, waiting

for a rainy Sunday and a selection of DVD’s,

we have a downright sexy box of Thorntons

Ginger & Dark Chocolate Cookies.

“Oh my...” as that dozy mare out of Fifty

Shades would no doubt have gasped.

Hey....Fig (Roll) biscuits! I’ve just remem-

bered them, and they were good, weren’t

they? Though not much of a dunker.

Biscuits are a proper British fascination

though, are they not? Go on holiday and

you’ll always see some sad British sap

down the biscuit aisle complaining to 

anyone who’ll listen that the foreign bloody

locals don’t stock packets of those flimsy

Pink Wafer things, which hardly classify as

biscuits at all.

THE EDGE’S ULTIMATE ‘TOP 10’

BISCUITS OF ALL TIME!

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Milk Chocolate Digestive

KitKat

Shortbread

Digestive (without any chocci)

Milk Chocolate Hobnob

Ginger Nut

Jaffa Cake

Bourbon

Orange Club

Chocolate Fingers

BLACK FRIDAY

[email protected]

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:50 Page 27

Page 28: Edge January 2014

Page 28 The Edge 01245 348256 � ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� ��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� � ������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������ ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� � �����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������

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StufAf

supn osudniFkoobeacf

g.rinotememorsup

k.uocg.

� � � �� �

� � � � � � � � � � � � � �� � � � � � � � � � �

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� � � � � � �� � � � � � � �

HalasanaThe Plow Pose.Reduces back ache and helps

send you off into a deep, restful

sleep, any time, any place.

The Bride Pose.Calms the brain and rejuvenates

the legs.

Provides a gentle massage

to the spine & belly organs.Good flatulation position also.

DRINKING & YOGA...same difference!

Marjaryasana

Setu BandhaSarvangasana

SavasanaThe Pose of total relaxation.Thus making it one of the most

challenging asanas, although the

student on the right seems to be

making rather light work of it.

BalasanaTotally restful.Unless you’ve lost your balance in

a bus shelter, that is.

*This right riveting article first appeared in the January 2010 editions of The Edge, only I didn’t

have a lot of time to put the January 2104 editions together, so here it is again!

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 15:07 Page 28

Page 29: Edge January 2014

[email protected] Page 29

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If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may

dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the chil-

dren. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and

expensive. There is, however, another way.

Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have

your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to

find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort

to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach

agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that

the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court

system operates.

You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the

decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges.

At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to

cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.

Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce

and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and

reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited

from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they

see their parents working together rather than arguing about them.

Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the

collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to

providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers

will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.

For more information,

contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696,

email: [email protected]

or visit www.thblegal.com.

A better way todivorce?

LIFE ON THE SMALLHOLDING January is far from a dormant month forour family on the smallholding as we arevery busy getting excited about new proj-ects and the next growing season, writesChelmsford’s answer to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, James Gardner.

The weather so far has been rather mild,but winter is far from over and with ourfuel supplies fast depleting, we arealready making preparations for winter2015 as it seems organisation is the single most important key to living acomfortable subsistence.

We are really happy with the progress wemade throughout 2013 and having forgedsome excellent new relationships withlocal farmers and food suppliers, particu-larly with Kerry and Martin at Rocket &Rhubarb, our local vegetable growers,we have been busy ploughing andpreparing our half acre veg plot ready fora new season of homegrown produce.

The major job with our vegetable plot isto install a rabbit fence to keep thosepesky bunnies away from our produceand we are also looking into a polytunnelto extend our growing season.

During last year we bred and acquired anexpanding collection of ducks and chick-ens that have provided us with all sizesof fresh eggs, even over the wintermonths.

Our two pigs, ‘Wallace & Gromit’, are set-tling in nicely, although it is a tad over-

whelming exactly how much a pig caneat on a daily basis. Fortunately the freefood supplies continue to roll in! We alsokeep them in fresh straw bedding toensure they have the best life possibleduring the harshest months.

Our New Year’s resolution as 21st centu-ry country smallholders is to make RiverFarm pay for itself, instead of us payingfor it. Indeed, huge numbers of small-holders, ourselves included, have tokeep their day jobs in order to makeends meet. We are now totally focusedon getting our licensed tea rooms andoutdoor events fully up and running forsummer 2014 so that we continue tobuild on such a promising start.

If you would like to get involved at RiverFarm, or are looking to book an event, orare simply curious and want to knowmore, please follow us on Facebook.Simply search for River Farm at TheGreen Man.

Oh, and may I take this opportunity towish all Edge readers a very Happy NewYear. We sincerely hope that 2014 bringsyou much health and happiness.

The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 15:12 Page 29

Page 30: Edge January 2014

Page 30 [email protected]

Thankfully the dreaded C-word has

been and gone and we’ve no more

hashtag ‘Bear & Hare’ to contend

with, which by the end had me

wishing the bear would rip the

damned hare to shreds and give

us all a break. So yes, it’s safe to

peek your head up from behind the

settee once again as thankfully

Christmas is ALL OVER!

So now it's onwards and upwards,

as they say, although they said that

last year and the year before, did-

n’t they? But this year really is

going to be my year, I am

adamant. You see, I've had it in

mind for the past few years to

create my very own ‘Bucket List’.

No, I am not about to kick the

bucket (least I hope I’m not). It’s

just that I've been drifting for far

too long. My life has been all about

work, bills, shopping, housework

and weekends filled with nothing

more than X-Factor and Strictly....

but it's time to say “no more”! Life

is what you make of it, so it’s high

time to get up off my backside and

make it into something different.

I received a fair few emails

throughout 2013 from people

seemingly in precisely the same

boat to the one which I find myself

in, which has certainly got me

thinking. So I started making plans

a few weeks ago, because statis-

tics show the more people you tell

about your ideas, the more chance

you have of actually pulling it off.

So I told my best friend Jo and

managed to rope her in too, and

now I’m telling everyone who will

listen...including all of you!

Because it really is time to get out

there and start meeting new peo-

ple and having new experiences.

Time to have a year filled with fun

and new adventures and go off

and do things that I have never

done before. But they don't all

have to be expensive. In fact, I'm

keen to take advantage of numer-

ous ‘freebie events’ that I’ve simply

never bothered with in the past.

So with all of this in mind, I'm invit-

ing you all to join me! Well, you

didn't think I was planning to do it

all on my lonesome, did you? No

way! I'm not leaving you out!

Come on - surely you’re as bored

with watching TV as I am? So let's

start up a group of likeminded peo-

ple who can trade ideas and fun,

meet up for drinks regularly, on a

casual basis, in order to plan

events, and then go off and set our

worlds on fire and even fulfilling

some of our ‘Bucket List’ ideas as

we go. Hey, and I’m I'm even going

to try and rope in ‘His Nibs’ the edi-

tor - he just doesn't know it yet!

We were all once just simple, care-

free creatures, with hopes and

aspirations and dreams full of fun.

Once upon a time our weeks were

packed with stuff to look forward to,

long before extortionate electricity

bills and the likes of Simon Cowell

ruled the world. So to all those of

you who want to change your lives

and do things that are fun and

worthwhile, why wait any longer?

Now is the time!

Let this be the year where we all

recreate some of the fun we all

once used to have in the past

(remember good, innocent, frivo-

lous fun?). It really doesn't matter

whether you’re male or female, or

what your age, creed, colour, abili-

ties or disabilities happen to be.

Everyone is welcome and will be

an important member of the group.

All that matters is that we share a

common notion, a common goal,

and that is to actively want to have

fun, to want to change our lives, to

physically want to get up off the

sofa and fulfill some of the things

we have previously only ever

dreamt about.

Forget about Facebook and

become real friends with real peo-

ple and share real experiences -

not virtual ones on internet forums.

Forget about all of that nonsense

because it only leads to stagnation.

So what's the next step? Simply

take out your ’phone and get in

touch. Yes, you there, STOP read-

ing The Edge and stuffing your

face full of panini in Costa and mail

me right now instead!

It really is that simple, so do it right

away to [email protected] and

who knows, this time next month

we could all be reading this column

and laughing out loud (LOL) as I

recount some of the adventures

we’ve all gotten up to.

Let’s make 2014 one hell of an

amazing year. Call me now!

TOTALLY TRACIE� � �

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