80 ELLE.MY

A new book has been making waves for exposing the rigid social structure of New York’s Upper East Side. But do the unspoken rules

of rich wives apply in Malaysia as well? Sam Joseph investigates

WIFE BONUS!

Wednesday Martin’s Primates of Park Avenue looks like an innocent enough book, but this anthropological study of rich New York wives has grabbed more headlines lately than Miley Cyrus’s leotard. Nearly every major publication has run a story, whether one of scepticism or wonder, about Primates.

The interest has largely focused on a phenomenon that Martin calls the ‘wife bonus’, a term the author uses to refer to gifts or money given to wives in recognition of them completing their wifely ‘duties’. In some cases the bonus depends on the wife’s performance in caring for children and managing the household.

Martin, a social researcher and former Yale lecturer, wrote Primates based on her own experience among the wealthy residents of Manhattan’s Upper East Side (UES). “People envy the rich, want to see all their secrets stripped away, love to judge them, love to

WE WANT OUR

feel superior to them, love to hate them,” she says of the reaction to her book. “As a culture we especially love to hate rich women. They are soft targets.”

Some of the UES women claim that Martin sensationalised much of what she wrote, and an article in Vanity Fair ostensibly gave them an opportunity to rebut the more insulting scenarios laid out in the book. For instance, Martin claimed that some mothers drank alcohol during play-dates, and had their hair styled before picking up their children from their prestigious private schools, all of which only served to underline stereotypes associated with a class disconnected from reality. “When my children were young, I rarely had any idea who their play-dates were with. The nannies usually set them up,” said one rich mother. “I’ve also heard of pre-nups and post-nups with some stranger clauses included — certain weight limitations, etcetera—but who hasn’t heard of that?” asked another.

RADAR Feature ELLESept15_1.indd 80 8/11/15 2:57 AM

ELLE. MY 81

RADAR RELATIONSHIPS

“There are a lot of new money people in Malaysia... I do know parents who ask me where I send my children

to school and how much it costs.”

The best response thus far is by British banker’s wife Polly Phillips, who wrote an article titled ‘I Get a Wife Bonus and I Deserve It, so STFU’ for the New York Post. If there was anything a SAHM (stay-at-home-mother) could do to make people even less sympathetic towards rich wives, this article was it. Phillips swiftly contradicted the Manhattan mothers’ denial of the wife bonus, saying she first heard of it when she moved from her native London to Australia, and then again when in Denmark.

But how many of the scenarios in Martin’s book also play out in mansions and penthouses in Malaysia? “I think there are Park Avenues everywhere there are lots of resources, and there are women with young children who are economically dependent on men, a body display culture and a practice of what the sociologist Sharon Hays calls ‘intensive motherhood’,” says Martin when asked about similar practices among the upper crust outside of Manhattan.

“Yes, there is such a thing in Malaysia,” says a woman we’ll call Z, of the wife bonus. A moneyed mother of one, she regularly appears in the society pages of magazines and spends much of her time travelling. “Like, if they deliver one baby, they get a certain amount of money.”

“I’ve never heard of it,” says another, A, when asked about the wife bonus. A is an old-money mother-of-two and socialite who also prefers to remain anonymous. “I mean, I do get a push present of course, after I deliver my baby. And usually for Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and our anniversary, he’ll ask me to choose anything I want.”

Both A and Z are talking about the same thing, in the sense that the wife gets a ‘bonus’ for carrying out her maternal ‘duties’ by giving birth. A push present isn’t that new or unusual any more, and is certainly not confined to rich Manhattanites. Articles in Huffington Post and the New York Times refer to presents of Tiffany jewellery, Rolex watches and even a brand new Mercedes-Benz. It’s likely that the novel wife bonus is just a combination of pre-existing push presents, gifts and allowances all rolled into one and packaged up in corporate parlance.

I ask A and Z whether competitive mothering in the style of UES women, where failing to get your children into the best school can make you a social pariah, is seen in Malaysia. Z says that the wealthier families employ a maid, bodyguard, driver and “all that jam” for each child. “But of course I’m sure when it comes to being a mum, they’re there!” she says in defence of her fellow rich mums.

“This is a ‘new money’ sort of mentality,” A says. “There are a lot of new money people in Malaysia, and they need to show that they have loads of money. I don’t have those sorts of people in my circle of friends, but I do know parents who do that — who ask me where I send my children to school and how much it costs.”

‘Glam SAHMs’, those mothers who remain skinny, well-dressed and ultra competent no matter how many children they have, are a universal phenomenon, says Martin. Picture those

mums who shop for Hermès Birkins with the same fervour with which they hit the gym or scope out the latest anti-ageing products.

N, a mother of two who looks a decade younger than she is, says she works out because she’s health conscious. “I always want to look my best regardless of the situation, and it’s never because of peer pressure,” she adds. Yet A says that some of the pressure for perfection comes from other mums being critical, whether about breast feeding practices or losing weight after the birth (or rather, not). “A lot of it is about showing that they fit in,” says A. And sometimes they do so by criticising others.

On the Upper East Side, says Martin, “there is intense intrasexual competition between women, who feel compelled to re-court their husbands, who mostly control the resources and have a lot of mate choices.” This can probably be extrapolated to apply to the Malaysian version — Bukit Tunku or Hartamas, where groups of perfectly formed women in oversized sunglasses and blown-out hair congregate at cafés.

Z says that although the women do have a support system among themselves, “they pick and choose, as some of them are judgemental.”

This judgment, combined with a desperate desire to fit in, can get so bad that some will resort to buying knock-off designer goods in an attempt not to ‘lose face’, says A. “I know people — Datins even — who will wear fake Gucci or fake Richard Mille watches

and then post it up on Instagram just to fit in. It’s surprising — they’ll even wear their fake Hermès to KL Fashion Week. And if you’re familiar with these things, you can tell just by looking at them that it’s fake.” Later on, she often finds out that these people are heavily in debt or are losing money, but still insist on ‘saving face’ by wearing fake designer goods. “Just live within your means,” says A, slightly exasperatedly.

On the one hand, considering how competitive it sounds just being in that sphere of society, living within their means may not be a choice. On the other hand is the Cartier diamond your husband bought for your wife bonus.

WIFE BONUS SUGGESTIONS(husband optional)

Chanel Boy bag

Dior earrings

Vitamin C injections

BMW Z4

PHOT

OGRA

PHY:

CORB

IS/C

LICK

PHO

TOS;

ISTO

CK.C

OM

RADAR Feature ELLESept15_1.indd 81 8/11/15 2:57 AM