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:edÊj�jWba�oekhi[b\�ekj�e\�_j$�JWba�je�ki$J^[�DIF99�>[bfb_d[If you’re finding it hard to cope as a parent and want to talk, or you’re worried about a child who is at risk of abuse or in need of help, the NSPCC Helpline is here to help 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Call 0808 800 5000 to speak to a helpline advisor. For help by email help@nspcc.org.uk

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Ekh�fWh[dj_d]�fWYaIf you’ve found this leaflet useful, you might like to try some of the other titles in our parenting pack. They include plenty of advice on practical, positive parenting, and cover subjects like managing stress, encouraging better behaviour and keeping your child safe when they’re either at home or out alone.

To request a pack, please send an A4 SAE (with £2 in stamps), mentioning the parenting pack, to the address below or download copies from www.nspcc.org.uk/parenting

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Children w

ho are listened to are usually w

ell adjusted and self-confident, while

those whose needs are ignored m

ay be withdraw

n or difficult and suffer from

low self-esteem

.

Parents w

ho cannot comm

unicate well w

ith their children are more likely to resort

to smacking and hitting in m

oments of frustration. C

omm

unicating with your child

is also vital in preventing child abuse, including providing your child with inform

ation on keeping safe, and being there to offer help and protection.

We’ve collected the best advice

from professionals, as w

ell as some

top tips from parents, to help you

comm

unicate with your child,

whatever their age.

To make for easier reading, this

booklet refers to children as he or him

, and she or her in alternating sections. A

ll the information applies

equally to boys and girls.

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If you run out of patience, remem

ber that being angry w

ith your baby will

only make the crying w

orse. You don’t need to be asham

ed of your feelings – m

ost parents feel angry with their

children at some tim

e. Go off and

cool down, or take your anger out

on the cushions or have a good cry yourself. G

o back and deal with your

baby once you feel calm again.

If your baby cries persistently, ask your health visitor for advice or ring a helpline like C

ry-sis.

J_fi�je�^[bf�oek�Yef[�m

_j^�Yho_d]s�R

ock your baby in a pram or

cradle or try going on a car ride,

as these can often w

ork like magic.

s�Walk up and dow

n with him

or try

carrying him close to you in a sling.

s�Sing or talk gently to him

, or try

playing a tape of wom

b sounds or

gentle music as this can som

etimes

help very young babies.

s�Som

e babies find the sound of

white noise, such as a vacuum

cleaner or washing m

achine, soothing.

s�Try swaddling – w

rapping your baby

very firmly inside a light shaw

l. This

gives some babies the secure feeling

of being back in the w

omb.

s�Don’t be too quick to put your baby

back in his cot if he begins to

calm

down.

s�If your baby is very keen on sucking

and you’re sure he’s not hungry or

thirsty, you may w

ant to try a

dumm

y, but make sure it’s clean,

and never dip it into anything sw

eet.

s�Cuddling your baby is usually the

best tip of all. If you can relax and

don’t feel too tense, you are the

best com

fort your baby can have.

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From the very first day after birth, your

baby will be listening to you and in a few

w

eeks you will be rew

arded by smiles

and those first cooing sounds – your baby is talking to you.

Of course, crying is a very im

portant part of your baby’s language too. If your baby still cries after you have done all the obvious checks – for hunger and thirst, w

ind, changing nappies, not being too hot or too cold, or even just bored w

ith their own com

pany – you might

begin to feel desperate.

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Cry-sis

Provides support and advice

regarding excessively crying or sleepless babies.w

ww

.cry-sis.org.uk 08451 228 669

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s�#RYING�IS�PERFECTLY�NORM

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for a new baby. In the first few

months of life, a baby spends on

average at least tw

o hours in every

24-hour period crying.s�#

RYING�IS�MEANT�TO�BE�A�SOUND�THAT

parents find difficult to ignore. This

is nature’s w

ay of ensuring that your

baby’s needs are met.

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baby’s, and things w

ill get better

later on.

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right. It is a great confidence-booster

and praise w

orks better than

criticism!” S

hobha, m

um of R

afi, 3

��Jho�je�Wdim[h�Wbb�e\�oekh��

�Y^_bZÊi�gk[ij_edi

A

s your child listens to you and looks

to you, they build up a picture of

themselves. “I used to tell m

y son ‘not

now’ or ‘go aw

ay’ when I w

as too tired

to answer his questions, then I realised

that I w

asn’t helping him to learn.

R

eminding m

yself of this now m

akes

it easier to cope and my son rem

embers

all of m

y answers!” N

icola, mum

of

Kieron, 8

��Beea�ekj�\eh�mWhd_d]�i_]di�

�If your child seem

s unhappy or

reluctant to talk, it might be a sign

that som

ething is wrong. It m

ight be

that she feels you are not interested

in what she is saying, or w

ants

to tell you something that she finds

difficult to explain. Ensure that you

m

ake opportunities for conversation,

preferably when your child is not

overtired from

a long day at school.

��If[dZ�iec[�j_c

[�h[WZ_d]��m_j^�oekh�Y^_bZ

��

This helps improve both her listening

and her language skills, and w

ill give

you both a starting point to talk about

your child’s thoughts and feelings.

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�b_ij[d_d]�j_c

[���

“If you’re busy or too tired, it can be

hard to make tim

e to listen to your

child. You might find it easier to set

aside a special part of the day, such

as just before your child goes to

bed. You need to be flexible though.

S

ometim

es small children just can’t

w

ait to talk about something that is

im

portant to them.”

;_b[[d�>

Wo[i"��DIF99�fWh[dj_d]�WZl_ieh

B_ij[d_d]�Wi�oekh�Y^_bZ�]hem

i�kf9^_bZh[d�b[Whd�je�jWba�Xo�b_ij[d_d]�je�WZkbji�if[Wa_d]�Z_h[Yjbo�je�j^[c

$�8o�j^[�j_c

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ehbZ$�J^_i�cWo�c

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��<_j�b_ij[d_d]�[Wi_bo�_dje�oekh��ZW_bo�hekj_d[��

�Talk about the things you see w

hen

you are on the bus, walking to the

shops, at the superm

arket or during

bath time. You could sing or recite

a nursery rhym

e to your baby when

changing her nappy, or read a

book together.

��=_l[�fb[djo�e\�[dYekhW][c

[dj�

When your child is learning to talk,

they w

ill probably use funny words

of their ow

n and are bound to get

some w

ords mixed up. “I show

er Rafi

w

ith praise whenever he gets w

ords

L_i_j�oekh�beYWb�b_XhWhoH[WZ_d]�ekj�WbekZ�_i�]h[Wj�\eh�oekh�h[bWj_edi^_f�m

_j^�oekh�Y^_bZ$�M

^o�dej�jho�l_i_j_d]�oekh�beYWb�b_XhWho�WdZ�Y^eei_d]�iec

[�Xeeai�j^Wj�oek�WdZ�oekh�Y^_bZ�YWd�h[WZ�je][j^[h5

��=[j�^[bf�_\�oek�d[[Z�_j�

�If you are w

orried that your child has

a particular problem – for exam

ple

problems at school or w

ith friends,

such as bullying, relationships, being

the victim of racist attitudes, or a

problem

with drugs or alcohol – you

m

ay need to get professional advice.

Som

e of the organisations listed in

the section on special difficulties in

this booklet might be able to help.

Ceij�e\�j^[�j_fi�WXekj�b_ij[d_d]�je�oekd][h�Y^_bZh[d�Wffbo�je�ebZ[h�Y^_bZh[d�jee"�Xkj�ebZ[h�Y^_bZh[d�Wbie�^Wl[�j^[_h�em

d�Z_\\[h[dj�d[[Zi$

Being a parent to teenagers can be a

challenging, worrying and som

etimes

distressing time. W

hile your teenager is pushing for independence, you can feel rejected, criticised and confused. H

ere are som

e tips to help you through.

��CWa[�_j�Yb[Wh�j^Wj�oek�m

Wdj���je�X[�_dlebl[Z

��

If you find that your child never

wants to talk to you about anything,

you m

ay need to work really hard at

it. A

good start is to make it clear

that you are interested in them

and

in what they do.

��H[if[Yj�oekh�Y^_bZÊi�l_[m

i��

Don’t expect him

to like everything

you like or agree with everything you

say. The teenage years are a tim

e

of testing out opinions and people,

including parents. Your teenage child

is more likely to respect your view

s if

you respect his views too.

��B[j�oekh�Y^_bZ�adem�oekÊh[�

�j^[h[�\eh�j^[c

��

Older children need to learn how

to

live without the constant support of

their parents, but they still need you.

H

owever independent your children

seem

, let them know

that you’ll

always be there to offer com

fort

and support.

��H[c[cX[h�m

^Wj�_jÊi�b_a[���je�X[�W�j[[dW][h�

�The teen years can be a trying tim

e,

both for parents and for children.

Teenagers may behave like an adult

one m

inute and like a toddler the next.

��H[if[Yj�oekh�Y^_bZÊi�fh_lWYo

��

Older children particularly need

privacy. They need their ow

n space,

time to them

selves, and the right not

to comm

unicate about certain areas

of their lives, for example their

personal relationships. If you respect

their privacy, they are m

ore likely to

confide in you.

��:edÊj�_c

fei[�oekh�_Z[Wi��

It is fine to state that you have different

views, and your teenager still needs you

to be clear about acceptable lim

its to

their behaviour. How

ever, imposing all

your attitudes, or trying to force him

to

agree with your point of view

, will only

m

ake things worse.

B_ij[d_d]�je�ebZ[h�Y^_bZh[d

ÇJ^_da�XWYa�je�m^[d�

oek�m[h[�W�j[[dW][h$�

J^Wj�YWd�^[bf�oek��

i[[�oekh�Y^_bZÊi�fe_dj�

e\�l_[m$È

FWh[dji�jWba�WXekj�b_ij[d_d]

;l[d�m^[d�fWh[dji�Wh[�h[WZo�je�jWba�WdZ��

b_ij[d�je�j^[_h�Y^_bZh[d"�j^[h[�YWd�ij_bb�X[�fheXb[ci$�?jÊi�dej�

WbmWoi�[Wio�je�kdZ[hijWdZ�m

^Wj�Y^_bZh[d�Wh[�jho_d]�je�j[bb�ki$�

?dj[hhkfj_edi“M

y daughter always interrupts w

hen I’m

talking to her dad. What can I do?”

B_p"�ckc�e\�H

[X[YYW"�+

;_b[[d “Her interruptions m

ay be a w

ay of trying to get your attention. H

owever, if you do m

ake a time to listen

to her, explain that you also need time

to discuss things together as parents. Young children often dem

and imm

ediate attention and w

ill interrupt. As they

grow older they w

ill realise that they can rem

ember to say things later and w

ill interrupt less often.”

M^_d_d]

“I don’t feel I have any choice about listening. M

y son whines all the tim

e. I just w

ant to switch off.” :

W_"�ZWZ�e\�Em[d"�-

;_b[[d “Perhaps you need to m

ake tim

e to sit quietly with him

and respond carefully to w

hat he is saying. Once he

realises there are special times w

hen he has all your positive attention, perhaps he w

on’t need to whine. Try to avoid

getting into the habit of only responding w

hen he whines loudly. This negative

attention will only m

ake things worse.”

Jef�DIF99�fWh[dj_d]�WZl_ieh��

;_b[[d�>Wo[i�h[ifedZi�m

_j^�WZl_Y[�\eh�j^h[[�fWh[dji�jWba_d]�WXekj�Yecckd_YWj_d]�m

_j^�j^[_h�Y^_bZh[d$

Parents A

dvice Centre

(Northern Ireland)

ww

w.parentsadvicecentre.org

0808 8010 722

Parentline P

lusw

ww

.parentlineplus.org.uk0808 800 2222 (including P

arentLine Scotland)

Gotateenager

ww

w.gotateenager.org.uk

(Provided by P

arentline Plus)

ParentsC

entre onlinew

ww

.parentscentre.gov.uk

Your Family

Positive parenting tips

brought to you by the NS

PC

C

ww

w.yourfam

ily.org.uk

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Fh[iikh[�je�Z[b_l[h

“I try to listen to my son’s needs, but I can’t alw

ays be expected to meet them

.” HWocedZ"�ZWZ�e\�7

ZWc"�)

;_b[[d “Listening is not the same as alw

ays giving in. For example, if your toddler

is always asking for sw

eets, which you say he can’t have, you can still let him

know

you’ve listened by saying something like ‘I know

you’re cross that you can’t have any sw

eets’.”

EdY[�oekÊl[�]ej�_dje�j^[�^WX_j�e\�cWa_d]�j_c

[�je�jWba�WdZ�b_ij[d�je�oekh�Y^_bZh[d"�oek�c_]^j�ÓdZ�j^[i[�j_fi�ki[\kb$

s�=_l[�oekh�\kbb�Wjj[dj_ed

If your child w

ants to tell you

something, try to stop w

hat you’re

doing so that you can listen carefully.

If that’s not practical, explain that you

need to finish what you’re doing, and

then you’ll be able to listen properly.

s�B[j�j^[c�if[Wa�Óhij

�Look directly at your child w

hile she

is talking. For small children this

m

eans getting down to their level.

D

on’t rush to respond. Otherw

ise you

won’t really hear w

hat is being said.

s�FhWYj_i[�h[Ô

[Yj_l[�b_ij[d_d]���m_j^�ic

Wbb�Y^_bZh[d��

This means checking that you have

understood w

hat your child has said,

by using phrases like “So do you

m

ean that…?” in order to clarify things.

s�B[j�oekh�Y^_bZ�adem�j^Wj�oek�

�kdZ[hijWdZ�^em

�^[�\[[bi��

Som

etimes it helps to say som

ething

like “I know you’re feeling sad,” or

“You m

ust be feeling very angry to

say something like that.” N

ever

dismiss your child’s feelings.

s�?dlebl[�oekh�Y^_bZh[d�_d���\Wc_bo�Z_iYkii_edi�

�D

epending on their age, allow your

children opportunities to have a say,

such as on changes to routines and

w

here to go for holidays.

s�H[if[Yj�oekh�Y^_bZ�

�R

emem

ber that your child’s idea

of what is im

portant may be very

different from

yours. Try to remem

ber

this when they w

ant to tell you

something urgently, even if you

are busy.

s�:edÊj�X[�jee�Yh_j_YWb�

�Try not to put your child off talking

to you, for exam

ple by saying things

like “That was stupid,” “W

hy can’t

you be more sensible,” or “G

row up.”

H

urtful words can dam

age

self-esteem. Try to m

ake positive

remarks instead.

s�:edÊj�i^ekj�eh�dW]�

�C

hildren soon learn to ignore nagging.

Only shout if you need to w

arn your

child urgently. Then it will have the

right effect.

s�H[Wiikh[�oekh�Y^_bZÊi�m

ehh_[i��

If your children seem w

orried or upset

by your problems, such as m

oney or

relationship difficulties, it is best to

talk about this but explain that it isn’t

their fault. D

on’t expect them to offer

you em

otional support.

s�:edÊj�Xhki^�fheXb[c

i�Wi_Z[��

If you encourage your children to talk,

you are bound to hear things that

might disappoint or upset you.

D

on’t brush problems aside. Find

w

ays of coping with them

, and get

help if necessary.

If you have more than one child, it

can be especially hard to give your

children the listening tim

e they need.

Try to work out a w

ay of giving

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munication

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ay need to prepare yourself to answ

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Cruse B

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ays of coping. Help her to learn how

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bullies that she won’t put up

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bviously, the answers

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n values and beliefs. Keep

answers sim

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unfair, and is based on ignorance and insecurity. If the problem

persists and occurs at school, you w

ill need to involve a teacher.

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anrights.com

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ant, regardless of what others think,

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that their choice of subjects, jobs and hobbies does not depend on their sex.

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hy it may be

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ill offer her any support you can.

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cotlandA

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children to understand the problems faced by those w

ho are abused and advises them

how to keep safe.

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Ekh�fWh[dj_d]�fWYaIf you’ve found this leaflet useful, you might like to try some of the other titles in our parenting pack. They include plenty of advice on practical, positive parenting, and cover subjects like managing stress, encouraging better behaviour and keeping your child safe when they’re either at home or out alone.

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