Driving Away From the City

8/3/2019 Driving Away From the City

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Changing Lanes

Driving away from the city, out onto the open road, I couldnt get comfortable in Brodys

little Hyundai Elantra. It was a perfectly fine car for him, but I was used to my Mini-van,

not to mention to being the driver and the one to control the speed, lane changes and of

course most important of all, the radio. Pulling onto the freeway I felt slightlyclaustrophobic and aware of this weird nervous energy between the two of us that was

driving me nuts. I was as though I didnt know how to act around him without the chaotic

interruptions that had become such a constant in our lives. With four kids, two careers and

twenty five years of marriage, wed forgotten how to be a couple. At least I had.

On our way to a wedding in Arizona in the middle of August, I was less than enthused

about this trip. In fact, if Id had my way, I wouldnt have even come along. Joseph was

one of Brodys friends from college that I barely remembered, and Arizona in August was

unbearably hot. Why Brody wanted to attend was beyond me, and yet he had been insistent

that we both go, pointing out the fact that we hadnt been away, just the two of us, sincebefore the twins were born nearly eleven years ago. He said wed have a post celebration of

my recent 43rd

birthday that had been overlooked due to our 22 year old son, Coles

emergency appendectomy. Shifting in my seat, I nearly spilled my coffee that was resting in

the cup holder between us.

Brody reached over, put his hand on my leg, and without looking, asked if I was okay.

Im used to a bigger car, thats all, I said.

Is it? he asked.

Is what?

That all thatsbothering you?

Im not bothered, I lied, wondering if that had sounded as defensive to him as it had to

me.

You seem jittery Andi, maybe you should lay off the coffee, he suggested, patting my

thigh before putting his hand back on the wheel and changing lanes again.

Maybe you should pick a lane and stick with it, I muttered.

He glanced at me and then reached under his seat to pull out a Cd. I was relieved to see

that it was The Script, a band whos Cds I also had in my car. As he began softly singing

along, I was impressed that he appeared to know every word. Then I remembered that

back before we were married we used to go driving all of the time with the radio up loud,

singing along to all of our favorite songs. Looking over at him I couldnt help but wonder

how that could have been more than twenty five years ago. It felt both a million miles away,


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and at the same time, as though just a few years ago we had been kids going out on our first

date. Staring at how few lines had formed around his eyes I thought to myself that it wasnt

fair. Over the years he had managed to maintain his strong jawline and slim physique,

while my waist had expanded and my eyes had lost their shine. There was no denying it, he

was one of those guys getting better looking with age and hed always been pretty good

looking to begin with.

What? he asked feeling my eyes on him.

Why dont you have grey hair? I asked accusingly.

I dont know, should I? Im not that old.

Youre 46, nearly 47, thats hardly young.

You dont have grey hair, he pointed out.

Because I color it every couple of months.

Seriously?

Youre not real observant are you? I mumbled.

I had been coloring my hair for the past eight years, ever since discovering that first gray

hair. This shiny chestnut mane, waving softly over my shoulders was all smoke and

mirrors.

How old do you feel? he suddenly asked.

800

No, seriously, how old?

I dont know.

You should know Andi, think about it.

How old do you feel?

Some days, good days, he clarified, I feel about 26, other days 65 or 70.

Suddenly I didnt want to pursue this conversation any further and turned up the stereo. I

didnt know why, but it felt scary to know that he was even thinking about good days and

bad days. I didnt want to know how often he was having bad days and I was a fraid that if

we kept talking I was going to find out. I also wasnt sure I wanted to know what

constituted as a good day. There had been a great many late nights at the office in the past


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several months and up until now I hadnt considered that he could have been doing

anything other than working.

The further out of the city we got, the uglier the scenery became. There were endless miles

of dried out brown countryside and my restlessness only increased. The Script Cd ended

and Brody pulled out a Maroon Five Cd and put that in. I pulled out my phone to checkmessages but there were none, so I moved on to my twitter account. I caught up on what a

few people I followed were tweeting about and then sent out a tweet of my own. Help, Im

barreling toward the bowels of America!

Next I clicked a picture of the small dust storm building on the barren landscape outside

my window and posted that. People immediately began guessing where I was. As a

relatively successful blogger, my following had grown impressively over the past two years,

so for the next few minutes I was entertained. That is until my friend Jennifer called to

scold me.

Put your fucking phone away and be on vacation! she ordered.

Make me, I laughed.

You need to take this seriously.

Oh mom, I sighed, getting Brodys attention.

Its your mom? he asked turning the music down.

My mom was going to come relieve our oldest, Emily, of the twins later and he naturally

feared there was a problem.

No, its Jen, dont worry about it.

Hang up and breathe some life into that marriage of yours, she insisted.

Right now as were driving through nowhere?

I had confided in her that I was less than enthusiastic about this trip and being the

practical one of my friends, she had cautioned me that if I was feeling ambivalent there was

probably reason for concern.

Put your phone away, she repeated.

Yes mam, I said, obediently doing as Id been told.

Whats up? Brody asked.


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Nothing, I could use a bathroom. Are we going to come across a trailer park any time

soon where we could borrow an outhouse or something?

He just rolled his eyes and turned the music up, changing lanes to get around a truck.

Way to go Andi, I commended myself. Im sure that was just the sort of one sided,cheerful banter Jen had in mind when she said to breathe some life into this. Job well

done!

Ten minutes later we pulled into a rusty old gas station that looked as though it would be

deserted. I turned to Brody, wondering if this was his idea of a joke.

You said you have to go, he defended.

And this is the best you can do?

Do you see anything else out here?

Is it even open? I asked.

He nodded towards an old man looking out from the tiny, dust covered window of the

shack that stood in place of a mini mart.

Great, I muttered. Youre sending me in there alone?

I doubt theres room for both of us, he said, clearly enjoying my discomfort.

I decided I wouldnt give him the satisfaction and purposefully got out of the car and

strode over to the ramshackle door of this hut. As I pulled it open, there was a creak thatrivaled the sound effects of any good Hollywood horror film, and when Otis, (Im sure his

name must have been Otis) opened his mouth to welcome me, sure enough he was missing

most of his teeth.

Have you got a restroom? I asked.

Have to buy something to use it, thats my policy, he said in a slow monotone.

I looked around and saw nothing but cigarettes and beef jerky. Not having bothered to

grab my purse, I ran back to the car to do so and to also grab some tissues because I was

pretty sure Toilet paper would cost extra. Brody continued to look amused.

Everything alright? he smiled.

I considered flipping him off but instead asked where he had some Kleenex. Big surprise,

he handed me a fast food napkin instead. I returned to Otis, and bought a pack of

cigarettes that no one would smoke because I didnt feel like getting the beef jerky that


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Brody might have enjoyed. I figured he was getting enough enjoyment out of my current

predicament. I took the key from the narled hand offering it and hurried over to the tiny

door of the room that held only a toilet and no sink. Apparently a pack of cigarettes did not

warrant the luxury of being allowed to wash your hands. Upon my return, I dropped the

key on the counter, and told Otis, Its been real. Then I beat it the hell out of there.

Once I was back in the car, Brody took off with only his smug expression and no words. I

texted Jen, this is going well, and then kicked myself for not having clicked a picture of

Otis to build a post around.

I began my blog, Waking Under a Bus, five years ago when the twins started

Kindergarten. The name comes from a favorite song lyric, I feel like an accident, waking

up under a bus with my fingers crossed. I felt as though I had indeed woken up under a

bus after five years of living through two rebellious teens and the first five years of the

twins life.

Because Brody and I had met through my brother Tim when I was only sixteen, and he was

twenty, life had taken us through some rather unpredictable twists and turns. There had

been an instant attraction between us, but wed danced around each other in some sort of

flirtatious ritual for almost a year before admitting to ourselves that we were interested in

going out. As soon as we were alone together we became inseparable, much to my parents

concern. When after only a few months we realized the flu I couldnt shake was a

pregnancy, there was no hesitation on our part to get married. My mother on the other

hand, wept and told me we were too young. She was sure we had no chance of staying

together and didnt want me to put my dreams of going to college and becoming a serious

writer on hold to raise a baby. Brody also dreamed of writing and together we imaginedthat we would be able to work a normal job for a while, take care of the baby, and write

whenever he or she was sleeping. Once wed both sold a novel or two wed be all set. I told

my mom that with just a little support in the form of an occasional babysitter wed be able

to make it work. Boy, were we ever wrong!

After a few minutes, I squirm around, twisting to reach behind me, and attempt to pull out

my lap top.

What are you doing? Brody asks, as if he cant see.

I have to get down a description of Otis, I explain.

The guy from the gas station? He told you his name?

It was obvious,

Cant you take five minutes off?


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Not with material like Otis out here I cant, I said, managing to grab ahold of it and

pulling it forward.

Brody gave a disapproving sigh, and in my head I heard Jen scolding me. Sufficiently

guilted, I also sighed, but then I put the laptop on the floor.

Happy? I asked.

Are you? he threw back, and again I got the feeling that this was a loaded question and

not a conversation I wanted to continue.

We should probably stop to get some food if we ever come across a real town, dont you

think? I asked, quickly changing the subject.

Sure, he agreed.

That was another annoying thing about Brody, he was always up for a meal and yet he

never gained a pound. A half hour passed before we saw signs for a McDonalds and he

veered towards the exit. Stepping out of the car, we were hit with a ten to fifteen degree

increase in the heat. Moving into the air conditioning, I joined the long line of overheated,

obese travelers who had arrived before us, while Brody now ran to the bathroom. When he

returned to me a few minutes later in roughly the same place as hed left me, he suggested

we try the Carls across the street. We walked back out into the hot, dry air and taking my

hand, he pulled me along as he ran between cars to get us to the other side of the road.

The line at Carls was the same. In fact, if I hadnt known it was impossible, Id have sworn

the weary travelers in there were clones of the ones back at McDonalds. Unlike McDonalds

though, where at least theyd had several lines open, here there were only two.

Should we stay or go back? Brody asked.

Were here now and its hot outside. I say we stay.

Stay it is then, he agreed, motioning for me to go to one line while he stood in the other so

that wed be sure to have a place in whichever line moved the fastest. As it turned out

neither line moved quickly and in the end we reached the front at the same time.

Burgers, fries and a shared cola later, we ran back across the street and got into the car

where we blasted the air and I looked through his Cds for more music. Seeing that he had a

couple of Keith Urban Cds, I chose my favorite and complimented him on his taste in

music. He looked at me oddly.

What? it was my turn to ask.

You say that as though we havent always had the same taste in music.


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Whens the last time we listened to music together? I asked.

Whens the last time we did anythingtogether? he mumbled.

Exactly.

Thats about to change Andi, he announced, and a thousand butterflies fluttered in my

stomach as I wondered if this was the moment when hed tell me we were through.

Id never, in twenty five years, even considered such a thing, but now it hit me like a ton of

bricks, and I found it hard to breathe.

What? I choked.

Im going to quit my job.

I wasnt sure if that was the end of his statement or if he was just getting started so I

continued to hold my breath.

Did you hear me? he asked, when I didnt reply.

I nodded.

Well, dont you have an opinion about this? Theres nothing you want to say?

Why? I managed to croak, as suddenly my throat was incredibly dry.

Why do you think? I hate it. I was never supposed to do this for more than a year.

Brody had been working for his best friend Stevens dad, Barry, since we had been

married. Barry owned several furniture stores throughout southern California and over

the years Brody had risen to the top of the company. Barry was like a second father to him

and I couldnt imagine that he would be happy about this. Steven had quit years ago and

Barry had come to rely on Brody for everything, especially since his heart attack six

months earlier.

My head was swimming with thoughts of the mortgage, the economy in general, which was

in the toilet, and the kids college funds. This job that he hated so, had managed to get both

Emily and Cole through college and Id just assumed it would do the same for Evan and

Libby. Although I was making some money through the advertisements on my blog, it was

hardly enough to pay for a family of six. Granted, Emily had graduated with honors and

had managed to secure a job in landscape design, so she was self-sufficient, however she

was also newly engaged and would be wanting help in paying for the elaborate wedding she

and her fianc, Cash were planning. Contrary to his name, Cash was an actor and not

bringing in much of an income.


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Brody sped back onto the highway as I desperately attempted to force a breath through my

airways. Glancing over at me with what I perceived to be a guilty look on his face, he told

me it would be okay.

Im suffocating Andi, and the business is going down anyway. We need to close at least

three of the six stores but Barry is in denial. Without a total restructuring hes going to losethem all.

I couldnt believe what I was hearing. Barry was one of the sharpest people we knew and it

didnt sound like him to deny anything.

Is that all? I asked, stillnot certain that he wasnt going to say there was someone else he

was leaving me for.

He mumbled something that I couldnt quite understand and I tried to brace myself even

as tears sprung to my eyes.

What? I questioned.

I want to write, he said more assertively.

I began to hyperventilate, not out of horror as he assumed, but out of relief that he was

saying something that made complete sense to me. It was as though he had just flipped on a

switch and suddenly I could see who I had married and why, after what I now realized had

been years of slumber.

Brody pulled over, and rubbing my back told me to calm down. Hed seen me have panic

attacks before. Theyd begun the day we learned we were having twins and had continued

periodically, all through those first five years.

I thought, I gasped, I thought you were going to say you were leaving me.

Leaving you? Why would I leave you?

Shit, I cried, because you could.

The smile that spread across his face was one of my favorites. It was warm and embracing

all at once.

I could not, he said, as though that were the most ridiculous thing hed ever heard. Why

would you think that?

Because, I said, stopping to take another deep breath, you work late and you told me

you feel old and have bad days and well, what was I supposed to think?

Jesus Andi, he said pulling me into his arms.


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I slowly managed to get my breathing under control, as the air between us grew thick due

to the fact that air conditioning quits being effective once youve stopped the car for too

long. Straightening up, I said we should get going.

Youre okay now? he checked.

Sure.

You want to pick the Cd? he asked offering me a handful of them.

Yes, I smiled taking the pile and sorting through them as he took off again.

Suddenly the hideous brown brush outside our windows looked like nothing more than

something we had to get through. I chose an old Crowded House Cd that wed listened to a

thousand times before, remembering back to discussions wed had about books we could be

inspired to write from the various song lyrics on it. I knew we were embarking on a new

adventure, but as scary as it might be, there was no one Id rather have by my side, evenafter twenty five years, (Hell, especially after twenty five years) than Brody. Pushing the

disc in I turned to him and asked, So, do you have a plan?

Im working on it, he assured me, zipping around another big rig.


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CHAPTER 2

We pulled into the Embassy Suites Hotel just after six pm, only to be informed that they

had no record of our reservation.

Driving Away From the City

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