TITLE: DRAGON THRONE WRITER: Kara Joy GENRE: Fantasy SETTING: Medieval Kingdom PERIOD: Based on 1500s BUDGET: High PAGES: 92 EXCELLENT GOOD FAIR POOR STORY X STRUCTURE X CHARACTERIZATION X VISUAL ELEMENTS X COMMERCIALITY X TITLE X LOGLINE: A warrior Princess must protect her kingdom from a crazed Sorcerer who seeks to steal her power and rule the land. SYNOPSIS: In the land of Skeldergate, QUEEN ALEXIA FENDREL (30s) teaches her daughter PRINCESS MELINA FENDREL (7) how to use her magic powers. Suddenly, the two come under attack by LORD KERWIN (35) and his men. Alexia hides Melina within a tree before they’re caught. Alexia was once set to marry Kerwin, but he became corrupted with power, and Alexia tried to kill him. Kerwin kills Alexia in order to steal her power, but unbeknownst to Kerwin, Alexia transfers her power to Melina before she dies. Alexia’s husband KING HADRIAN FENDREL (40s), and her brother JOHN DORAN (20s) feel Alexia calling out for help, and search the woods for her and Melina. They are joined by the elvin LETHOLDUS (30s) and RICHARD (40s). They search for days, and Letholdus, feeling Melina’s magic, pulls her from the tree. They find an arrowhead from the Kingdom of Tannin and King Hadrian, full of grief, declares war upon them. Although the misguided battle is won against Tannin, King Hadrian is killed during the fight, making Melina the Princess of Skeldergate. Melina is visited in her dreams by a woman named VARIA who says that she’ll teach Melina how to use her newly obtained powers, but Melina can never tell anyone about her magic. As well, Melina tells John that she wants to learn how to use a sword to protect herself and her Kingdom. It’s a good thing Melina is preparing because we find that Kerwin has sent his son LIEF (18) to infiltrate Skeldergate and find the missing magic. Kerwin knows that he will need plenty of magic to rule the kingdom, and sends his soldiers out to kidnap those who show signs of magical powers, including two boys

from the city of Silvermane who can control all four elements. Kerwin’s men destroy the city, take the boys, and kill the rest of the peasants. Two years later… Lief has become John’s second in command, and a trusted member of Skeldergate. Melina learns of the destruction of Silvermane and sends John and a group of soldiers to investigate. Lief is ordered to stay and protect Melina. At the same time, Letholdus and his men encounter a group of renegades, and learn about an attack on Skeldergate that is mounting. Letholdus and his men ride to protect the Princess, but the renegade force has already arrived at the castle and begun the attack. Melina goes against orders and moves onto the battlefield where she uses her magic to protect her soldiers and destroy the renegades. Letholdus and Lief are shocked to see that Melina is a great sorceress. Six years later… the attack by the renegades confirms that Kerwin is back and trying to take over the kingdom. Melina knows that the only way to stop him is to align Skeldergate with the kingdom of Samavia, Letholdus’ home. Melina and her best friend KATHRINA set out for Samavia without guards because they don’t want to raise suspicion. John secretly sends Lief to watch over them. While on the journey, Melina and Kathrina connect with Letholdus and his men who escort them the rest of the way. As they arrive in Samavia, they encounter PRINCESS SAHRA HALMAR (10) as she practices magic. Letholdus scolds her for doing her magic out in the open and says she needs to hide it. They don’t know it, but Lief witnessed the magic and heads off to Hildegard to inform Kerwin. KING MEREK HALMAR and his two sons greet Melina. Melina asks for King Merek’s support. King Merek demands that Melina first unite the kingdoms by marrying his eldest son. Thinking that she must marry his son EDMUND (30s), Melina is heartbroken. She has always had her eye on Letholdus. Melina informs Lethholdus about what she must do, and the two kiss, complicating things further for Melina. At Hildegard, Lief informs Kerwin about Sahra, but says nothing of Melina. It seems his allegiance to Kerwin may be waning, and he may be now protecting Melina; or so it seems. Back in Samavia, Letholdus turns out to be the eldest son of the King. Melina and Letholdus marry and Letholdus becomes the king of Skeldergate. Some time later, Melina and Kathrina walk in the woods when Melina informs her that she’s pregnant. Melina worries that it will complicate things. Letholdus will not want her to fight. Just then, Kerwin’s men attack, killing Kathrina. Lief runs to Melina’s aid and is badly wounded. Before he dies, he tells Melina the truth that he was a spy, and another huge secret; Kerwin is Melina’s real father. At the same time in Samavia, Kerwin’s men kidnap Sahra. Skeldergate and Samavia unite to attack Kerwin at Hildegard. Before Melina sets out, she’s informed by Varia of a book hidden inside her bedchamber that can teach her how to combine her magic with the magic given to her by her mother. Using this magic is the only thing that can stop Kerwin.

With the army camped outside of Hildegard’s walls, Melina leaves a note for Letholdus and slips into the castle with John and Richard at her side. They try to free Sahra, but it turns out to be a trap. Kerwin uses his magic to kill John and Richard. Melina combines her powers and is able to destroy Kerwin. She conjures a dragon, and we learn that the dragon is Varia. Varia destroys Kerwin’s army, and Melina and the prisoners are able to escape to safety. Although it looks like Skeldergate and Samavia have won the war, it seems there is still great evil lurking in the land. We see Lord Kerwin’s necklace picked up by a small hand. COMMENTS: Dragon Throne contains a rich and exciting world similar to Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings. While it’s a self-contained story, the expansive world and cliffhanger ending sets this up as a franchise. The writer has done a great job at working the conventions of the genre, but should be wary of working too closely to pre-existing properties. At times, the characters, action and dialogue feel too familiar. While there are many wonderful elements within the script, the read often gets in the way of fully enjoying them. The words on the page should be transparent, keeping the focus on the story, but this is not the case with Dragon Throne. Long blocks of action, typos, and grammar issues consistently pull the reader out. Disregard for industry standard parenthetical use (capitalization and spacing), and novelistic cheats (using action to describe internal emotions) undermine the voice of the writer. Excessive use of shots (exp. dissolve) cause problematic distractions. Inconsistencies and misuse of the time in the sluglines, especially during crosscutting action, creates confusion and lessons the build of suspense. The short page count at 92 is refreshing for this genre, but it’s not a quick read because of the above-mentioned issues. The writer creates some powerful visuals, like the fire in Melina’s eyes when she harnesses her mother’s power. Overall, the script would benefit from more careful description during character introductions. The color of every character’s hair and eyes isn’t necessary. What are missing from the page is what’s unique about each character, and what visual aspects of their appearance give insight into their character. More description of the settings would also help root the reader in this fantastical world. The writer provides a well-crafted collection of swordsmen and sorcerers, there’s just too many of them. Stylistic choices on the page would help to convey who is important and who isn’t. An excessive amount of characters are introduced with capitalization, age brackets, signatory descriptions and full names. This takes focus away from the characterization of the key players, especially Melina and Letholdus. Furthermore, each of their allies should have a specific talent that can be used during the adventure. As of now, it’s a struggle to see the difference between characters like John, Richard and Hector.

Melina’s rise to hero is established well with action, but her emotional arc is missing. She holds a single emotional state of growing confidence, ability and power. More peaks and valleys in her emotions would help round out her character and make her more relatable. As of now, she never makes a mistake. It would benefit the story to remind both Melina and the reader that she’s still a little girl. And what’s her weakness? How does she view her mother and father’s death? Does she blame herself? And does she feel burdened by the power she’s given? The material begs to dig into these questions. Dialogue for many of the characters feels stale and too familiar to the conventions of the genre. There’s little variation between the characters. John sounds like Letholdus, and Letholdus sounds like Richard, etc. Melina almost always sounds terse and commanding after she becomes Princess. Dialogue ticks and unique phrases would help differentiate the characters and make them really stand out. The writer winds a fun story with some great twists and turns, like the reveal that Kerwin is Melina’s father; a convention that’s been done before but comes across as fresh in the script. Sections of the script seem overly weighted toward less important storylines. For instance, Melina dealing with the marriage takes up a large chunk of the 2nd act, but infiltrating the Hildegard castle is summed up in a paragraph. Lief’s rise within the ranks also feels rushed and forced with John declaring that he’ll be trained to be second in command only moments after meeting. The illogical jumps in time (2 years later, etc.) cause a lot of confusion. For instance, the story jumps forward two years, and yet Melina is just finding out about the destruction of Silvermane. Likewise, the story jumps six years ahead, yet Melina speaks about the renegade attack as if it happened yesterday. The surprise that Letholdus is the eldest son is one of the best surprises of the story, but the payoff comes too soon and slows down the 2nd act. It would serve the story better to reveal this surprise to both the characters and to the reader during the third act, saving the wedding for the resolution. What could serve both the story and the characters is more conflict. There’s already a great source of conflict built into the story: Melina has magic powers but cannot use them. Heightening and building this until Melina eventually has to fight on the battlefield could elevate the material. Melina’s fight against the renegades should be a much bigger moment than it reads on the page. Furthermore, Melina has very few setbacks and obstacles during her journey. The biggest setback is that she must marry the eldest son, but she’s given a pass on that when it turns out to be Letholdus. Making things harder on Melina will make her success in the end even sweeter. Honing the characters, story and action of this expansive world could turn this intriguing fantasy tale into a lucrative commercial franchise.