Domestic Violence Workshop

Through the Eyes of A Therapist and A

Attorney

Presented By: Martin E. Friedlander, Esq. and Lisa Twerski, LCSW

At the -rah& Crisis Center for Religious Women and Children

2nd International Conference on

Shedding Light on the Darkness of Abuse

N ember 30 th — December 2n d, 2015

Ramada, Jerusalem, Israel

Martin Friedlander, PC. 845 Third Avenue, 11th floor New York, NY 10022 Telephone: (212) 321-7092 Website: mynydivorcelawyer.com

Lisa Twerski, LCSW

(718) 724-0608

REASONS WOMEN DON'T COME FORWARD

The Six "S's":*

Secrecy: refers to the feeling we as a community and our individual members have about "airing our dirty laundry in public".

Shame: refers to a woman's individual feeling of shame/responsibility for what is

happening.

Shonda: refers to a woman's sense of shame that she'll bring onto the family if anything should come out.

Shidduch: refers to both the concern about the children's actual shidduch as well as a general feeling that the victim has that she does not want her children to be without their father.

Shalom Bavis or Socialization: refers to the feeling women have that they are responsible for the home: if something bad is going on, she feels it is her responsibility to deal with it and make it right.

Social Pressure: refers to the pressure to be a family, to make simchas together to see

social obligations through together, etc.

* Developed by Cheryl Kramer, DSW

(more "S's")

Social Persona (his): refers to the batterer's stature and the victim's feeling that she can't come forward because no one would believe t -!:iat this person could be abusive.

Systems: refers to her fear of doing anything about the situation because of ho daunting negotiating two legal systems, the secular and halachic, can be.

SOME 0 I HER REASONS:

Fear: The danger to a battered woman in the home may be quite obvious to us from incidents she's described. What we are often unaware of is how dangerous leaving can be. He may have threatened her life, her children's lives and/or her family members' lives, if she would leave. In fact, statistics show that in 85% of cases, after a woman has left, the batterer

escalates his tactics. In 75% of the cases when a woman is killed by her abuser, she was killed in the process of leaving, or after having, left. A battered woman may not know the statistics, but she does have a sense of these facts, and she may be staying because she can feel that it is more dangerous to leave.

Halachic Concerns: In the case of an observant woman, if she has misconceptions about

what halacha says about her rights and her role, or if her spouse , with his knowledge, misleads her and she believes his interpretations, she may not feel entitled to a different type of marriage, or she might be manipulated into believing this is what marriage is.

Financial Dependence: Finding work or a means of support, affordable housing, feeding and

clothing herself and her children ; can be major obstacles for a women who is thinking about leaving. Even women with careers are often dependent on the financial resources of the family unit to which they will not have access in the event of a divorce or separation.

Isolation: She often doesn't know where to turn for emotional support e- information about her options. Her humiliation has prevented her from confiding in friends and relatives. Often, the abuser has deliberately kept her isolated from anyone who might be a support as one of his tactics of control. She may also be re-victimized by the systems to which she turns for help and intervention; insensitivity and lack of awareness cause continuing grief for victims.

Emotional Dependence: She may love her spouse. He may show affection and attention towards the children, which is something she values. The times when things seem to go well reihrorce her hope for change and reduce her resolve to leave. She may become confused about her feelings and believe the abuser's promises.

Physical illness or Exhaustion: She may have a pre-existing physical condition, or the stress and actual physical attacks may have induced a physical condition or exhaustion. This would make it difficult for her to think about establishing a new home for herself and her children while dealing with continuous pressure or threats.

Rationalization: Because society at large, and the batterer, attribute abuse to mental illness,

stiess, problems with anger, alcohol, drags, etc,, she is likely to do the same. She may tell

herself the abuse is not really his fault, that it is caused by these other things, that he "loses himself', he'll change and he doesn't mean it. Therefore, he can't be blamed and she can't

abandon him in his time of need.

Low self esteem is an almost inevitable result of living with someone who is demeaning

and degrading in various ways. Once a woman is feeling badly about herself, it is unlikely that she will feel that she deserves to seek outside help or support.

Guilt: over "breaking up" the family; "depriving" her children of a father; giving up on a

man who is "sick"; who really loves her and can't help it. She may also feel

guilty/responsible for the abuse, because she was taught that the home is her

responsibility or because he tells her so.

SSESSING FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• How are holisehold decisions made?

• • Whaihappens when you and your husband disagee?

• How-4-re disagreements resolved? Is there usually room for discussion?.

Do yOu feel comfortable disagreeing? If not, why not

• How does your husband reactwhen you disagee with him,. or do something he disagrees with?

What might he do to get you to change your mind, or to stop you?

Does-he ever put you or your opjnions down? .

Haw does he react When he is anglY?

Do you ever feel afraid of your spouse? Has your spouse ever threatened you?

How does he-react to you spending time with others? Friends? Family? Pursuing your interests

(career; education, etc.) Has he ever prevented you from doing so? How?

• -Is he jealous, hard to please, irritable, demanding, critical?

• Does he put you down, call you names, yell at you, punish you in any way?

• Does your spouse watch your every move? Call you several times a day to check up on you?

Want to know your every action? Make you account for your time?

• How are issues of household finances d— —. Are you on a strict budget but your spouse is not?

Do you have to account for every , penny? . • Does your spouse force you to have relations when you don't want to? Does he ever force you to

engage in acts that make you feel uncomfortable? Touch you or force you to have relations

during niddah ?

• Has your spouse ever destroyed things that that you cared about, like family photos, personal

possessions?

• Does he ever push you, hit you or physically harm you in any way?

• Does your spouse display these behaviors towards others? Who?

• How do others view your spouse?

• Is there a pattern to the behaviors or does it seem random? Explore cause and effect?

• Do you feel your spouse could stop himself if he had to?

• Are you safe now? Establishing whether a woman is currently safe and able to remain in her

home, or whether an alternative plan needs to be made, is the first and most important priority.

elper. •• escuer.

:

• • •

• •

•

•

Believes in the * importance and

ability of a woman to make her

own decisions . - . Understands his/her role is to:

. Listen to what she is requesting

Provide information not advice

Give resources

Give the help is asked for • ..• • ...... (within limits)

Establish and maintain

appropriate boundaries

Mostly listen

•

•

•

•

Believes - victim is helpless and

needs someone to think for her

Intervenes according to his/her

assessment of what is . .

appropriate

Gives help that'is not asked for or

. Pushes forward with an

intervention that the woman is . .. not really ready for'

Gives advice in stead of information

Works harder than the victim

Issues that Stand in the Way of Our Being the Helper

• Anger

• Fear

• Frustration

• Horror at the situation

• Misunderstanding what it means to be helpful

• Thinking about what you think you would want in the situation/

• Really not believing in the victims ability to think for herself

• Role confusion: when it is your role/job to make decisions for people in

another part of your life

AFETY PLANNING WITH BATTERED WOMEN a clinician's guide

Basic Principles: • _ The woman who has been living with the abuser day to day will be the best judge of

. . what will or won't be safe for her to do. Make sure that your actions don t compromise her safety or the mtegnty of the treatment, evea . those that have tremendous perceived benefits.

• E To be -able to help, you need to havt a working knowledge of the 8Ystems . and services she might need; legal ; halachic (Jewish legal), shelter.--

To help a client organize a safety plan, the following should be covered. Planning in the event of a crisis: • What has she done before? Has she tried to leave? If so, what happened? A good

assessment of what happened before, what didn't work and why, will be important in helping her shape her plan. Would she call the police if she were in danger and does she know what her rights are should she do so?

• Does she understand the need for speaking to a Ray about leaving, if not before, then after she has left?

• What does she think will happen if she leaves? Will the violence escalate should he find her?

• Does she have a safe place to go in the event that she needs to leave? A safe place means someplace where she feels he will not find her. Many victim's choose to go to a relative's home. It should be explored whether or not this is actually a safe choice (e.g., will the batterer track her down there?)

• Does she have shelter numbers in case she needs to leave and has nowhere to go? • Does she think having an order of protection would be helpful? Would she enforce it

should she need to? Does she know what that means? • Does she have the essentials in a safe place? Perhaps even outside the home in case

she needs to leave quickly? These should include children's medical records, social security numbers (important for shelter placement), other important papers she might need, any money she might be able to get to take with her.

If she has a car, does she have a hidden set of keys? • Can she run to a neighbor's or work out a sign so they can call the police? • How will she ensure the anonymity of her safe place? Does she understand the need

to change her routine should she leave? She might need to leave her job, change the children's schools, change the regular places she goes to, etc.

• Does she understand that she will need to limit her contact with people her huS'band might try to contact to find her? This might include not letting family members know her whereabouts for awhile.

• Talk to her about using her judgment. She cannot control his behavior, but if she is in danger are there things she knows will calm him down long enough for her to get

safe?: Does She understandthe importance Oa:voiding "rislderr rooms (bathroom, . garage, kitchen, rooms with weapons or rooms with one , exit)?

• Help her gain confidence and eStablish stronger ties io people whd can serve as a • support syStem.,

Planning to leavein.the future: • Folio* crisisSafety plan. • .

• Explain that this is a very dangerous time Great care should be given not to let the• abuser knOW of her plans to leave. ::" .* • •• * Help her figure out what she would need to make leaving pOssible. • = Financial Concerns.: Will she have a hard time getting financial support from him? . • . • Can she safely go for job training and/or get a job? Can she start discretely putting

away money? Any outside financial resources? • - - • . • • • Explore legal avenues: Are there joint aSSets she should .Pinteet? Even if all assets

are in his name; does she have access to 'financial docuMents and can she make - copies without his knowledge? What will going through thelegal system be like, what are her options?

• o Consult with a rabbi about halachic (Jewish legal) implications of leaving and how she can protect herself should the matter go to bais din (Jewish court of law).

• -2 Help her plan for staying safe after she has left. —2 Help her explore the option of getting an Order of Protection from safety,

halachic (Jewish legal) and legal perspectives. —2 Is it safe for the children to remain in the same school? Do school officials need to

be alerted or should the children be transferred? • 7_ These same issues need to be covered vis a vi her workplace. • = If she feels unsafe meeting with him, she should only do so in a public place. • If her husband is following her or harassing her, she should go to a safe place, as

well as, keep a log and seek guidance as to her options. Planning for a return to the marriage:

Help her explore the legal & halachic (Jewish legal) issues of both remaining separated as well as going back (see planning to leave in the future).

• E Give her permission to take her time deciding. • 2 Let her know that if she does want to see if things can work out, she doesn't need to

move home immediately. She can feel things out over time, using Conversations, `dates", decision making, other interactions, or a shabbos/weelcdnd together to test whether she truly feels safe living with her spouse again.

• r Help her figure out what she would need to have in place in order to leave again should he become abusive. -7 How can she maintain some financial independence: open her own bank account,

get credit cards in her name, job skills, and work. -: Avoid any additional joint responsibilities/commitments for awhile. • -2 Advise continued work with a professional • How will she maintain a support system?

* Developed by Lisa Goodman Twerski, CSW

TITF SAFETY PLAN (crisis)

In a crisis:

Know how to get out of the house quickly. The best escape rOute for me is:

• Keep important items in a-safe place, a place that you can get to should you :

need to leave in a hurry. I can leave these things with

• Have a plan of where you can gu should ypu.need to get out_

I can go to or - I have informed thein about what is going on so they'll expect me.

• Have important numbers with you (shelter, hotline, trusted friend) I can call

• Have a signal or code word worked out with a friend so she knows if you use a certain word she should call for help. I will let know that I will

• Let a neighbor know to call the police or or anything suspicious. I'll let

• Make sure your children know how to get out of the house quickly and which neighbor they can go to I will tell my children to go to

• Teach your children how to use 91 1 , or to call

• Let a Rabbi know what is going on, in case you need to call the authorities. I will speak with Rabbi Make sure to always have enough money to take a taxi to safety, to call for someone to come get you, or to have your car keys somewhere you can get to quickly.

• Destroy anything that might indicate where you have gone.

• Use your judgment: No battered woman can has control but women can sometimes find ways to reduce risk of harm. If things are escalating I will try

to-see if that will calm him down long enough for me to

get safe. • I can build my confidence and support by attending support groups, workshops or

classes at or

if I need help. if they hear screams,

know.

THE SAFETY PLAN (future)

,Planning to leave in the future:

-L-2 Have a crisis safety plan in place. It can be dangerous if your spouse finds out you plan to leave.

• Determine what you will need to have in place in order to leave;

Financial matters: • 1. I will seek to become more financially independent by: opening a bank

account; getting credit cards in. my name, going for job training; or getting a

job. 2. 1 will start to discretely put money away. 3. 1 can go to for additional financial support. 4. 1 will make copies of all financial documents I can find.

Order of Protection: I will explore this option from a safety standpoint as well as from legal and halachic (Jewish legal) perspectives

• 7 Legal avenues: I will consult with a lawyer about protecting my assets and about what I need to know regarding: leaving/divorcing

• Halachic concerns: I will consult with Rabbi about how to protect myself should the matter go to bais din (Jewish court of law).

• Help her plan for staying safe: 1. Is it safe for your children to remain in the same school? I will (alert school officials or transfer schools)

2. Do things need to change in your work place? I will talk to my boss about alternating my schedule or I will change jobs.

3. If you plan to move, do you need to ensure the anonymity of your new home? 4. If you are staying in your home, make it safe: change locks, alarm codes, etc. 5. If I am suppose to meet my spouse or arrange visitation, I do not have to put

myself in jeopardy to do so. I can meet in a public place or arrange for child transfer at a common friends home.

6. If I am being followed or harassed I will drive to a safe place, keep a log and seek guidance as to my options.

THE SAFETY PLAN (returning) •

•

Planning for a return to the marriage:

Follow other safety plans where applicable: 1. Legal concerns: I Willinquire with about the legal.

issues that could arise from my remaining separated, as well as issues that could arise should I go back.

2. Huiachic (Jewish legal) concerns:i will speakwith Rabbi • • about issues of haacha.(Jewish law) concerning my...

separation and possible return.

• Understand that you can test the waters of change by interacting with your husband from more distance, building to closer contacts as you feel more and more comfortable doing so.

• I do not have to decide to move right back in, in order to "try" again. While I decide, I can stay with for (how long)

• I can use my counselor to help me assess whether things are really changing or not. • I can use various interactions, taken in stages to figure this out, including:

conversations, "dates", decision making, a shabbos/weekend together. • Understand that leaving a second time once you have left and returned can be much

harder.

I would need the following to be able to leave a second time should my spouse continue to abuse me. 1. Financial independence: I will open my own bank account, get credit cards in my

name, get a jOb, etc. I Will avoid additional joint financial burdens. 2. I will avoid other joint commitments that might make me feel tied down. 3. I will continue to see my therapist so I can look at my relationship on an on-going

basis. 4. I will cultivate my support system.

I will make sure to continue to and to get together with or see and . If necessary, I will explain to my decision to return to the marriage.

ITEMS TO :.TAKE WHEN LEAVING

birth certificates for you and your children -- immigration papers or . passports Social. security ,cards

•• schoolivaccination'records • • .• importaritphone numbers:.hotline,,Rabbi, shelter,. lawyer,..hospital, counselor

ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) triarriage•licenSe • •

• public assistance ID/Medic -aid cards • lease, rental agreement, or house deed • insurance policies or information

• money, ATM card, credit cards, jewelry • clothes, sentimental items, children's favorite toys • any documentation of the abuse

DOCUMENTATION

Women should start documenting the abuse immediately. Although you may not be thinking of leaving, documentation would be important should you need to leave, go to court or go to Bais Din (Jewish court of law).

• copies of police reports

• hospital records and doctor's notes stating her injuries. • a diary of incidents of the abuse (If you have not begun to keep one, you should start.

Include details of past incidents with their respective dates.) • a list of people you have discussed this with who might bear witness to the fact that

you have been abused over a period of time.

• any witnesses to the abuse

• pictures of the injuries

• tape recordings (admissible in Bais Din {Jewish court of law))

0

S; c hafting

• --- . ssessment of his Change can.orily be madebY-the'viCtinv

ProfessiOnalS -as Well -as involved lay people,.would like to believe that they can predictor

assess an abuSees pOtential fOr change. The triith'is;that there is no way to prediet- future .

behaVior and the only Way to really know if there has hem) eheinge,.is by listening to the

victim'S:repnrtS. Since we know that the vast majority of abusers are abusive to their

spouse in ways they never demonstrate outside that relationship, the only person who Will

know if there is change is his - spOuse. The victim needs to look at her interactions with

her spouse, preferably with the guidailiic .;fa profesSional, to see:'has thete been a

change - has nothing changed; or, is the same control being asserted, but through the use

of different tactics..

afety plan for all eventualities.

Whether a woman has left and is trying to decide whether to go back or whether she is

still in the home and is deciding whether to leave, it is important for her to have a safety

plan for the future. It has become routine to help an abused woman develop a safety plan

to deal with a crisis. Good safety plans also include helping her plan on a long term basis to become more independent. This is helpful both for her self-esteem as well as in the

event that she ever decides to leave. Safety planning should also be done when a woman

has left home and is considering returning. This may include making sure she has some

financial independence; avoiding farther joint financial responsibilities or other joint

committments; and, making sure her support system stays strong. This last piece may

necessitate her explaining to those opposed to her reconciliation why she is doing it and

the importance of their standing behind her.

Cep boundaries while deciding.

For the woman who has left, let her know that \she does not need to go back under the

same roof in order to "try again". With the help of a professional, she can look at various

interactions she has with her spouse to determine whether lie has changed_ To ensure her

safety, she should be encouraged to re-establish her relationship in stages: conversations,

"dates", decision making, a shabbos together etc. She can then look at her spouse's responses and interactions and determine whether there has been enough change to make

her feel safe (emotionally and physically) moving back into their home. For most women,

knowing that it's not all or nothing, and that they are entitled to take things slowly, is a

big relief.

*Developed by Lisa Goodman Twerski, CSW

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