Do you make these 10 mistakes in a conversation?

November 5th, 2006

Can you improve your conversation skills? Certainly.

It might take a while to change the conversation habits that have been ingrained throughout your life, but it is very possible.

To not make this article any longer than necessary, lets just skip right to some common mistakes many of us have made in conversations. And a couple of solutions.

Not listening

Ernest Hemingway once said:

I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.

Dont be like most people. Dont just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold. Learn to really listen to what people actually are saying.

When you start to really listen, youll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation. But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information. If someone mentions that they went fishing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance ask:

Where did you go fishing?

What do you like most about fishing?

What did you do there besides fishing?

The person will delve deeper into the subject giving you more information to work with and more paths for you choose from.

If at first they say something like: Oh, I dont know. dont give up. Prod a little further. Ask again. They do know, they just have to think about a bit more. And as they start to open up the conversation becomes more interesting because its not on auto-pilot anymore.

Asking too many questions

If you ask too many questions the conversation can feel like a bit of an interrogation. Or like you dont have that much to contribute. One alternative is to mix questions with statements. Continuing the conversation above you could skip the question and say:

Yeah, its great to just get out with your friends and relax over the weekend. We like to take a six-pack out to the park and play some Frisbee golf.

Nice. We went out in my friends boat last month and I tried these new lures from Sakamura. The blue ones were really great.

And then the conversation can flow on from there. And you can discuss Frisbee golf, the advantages/disadvantages of different lures or your favourite beer.

Tightening up

When in conversation with someone you just meet or when the usual few topics are exhausted an awkward silence or mood might appear. Or you might just become nervous not knowing exactly why.

Leil Lowndes once said: Never leave home without reading the newspaper. If youre running out of things to say, you can always start talking about the current news. Its also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics. Like what happened on the latest episode of Lost.

Comment on the aquarium at the party, or that one girls cool Halloween-costume or the hosts mp3-playlist. You can always start new conversations about something in your surroundings.

Assume rapport. If you feel nervous or weird when meeting someone for the first time assume rapport. What that means is that you imagine how you feel when you meet one of your best friends. And pretend that this new acquaintance is one of your best friends. Dont overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away. But if you imagine this youll go into a positive emotional state. And youll greet and start talking to this new person with a smile and a friendly and relaxed attitude. Because thats how you talk to your friends. It might sound a bit loopy or too simple. But it really works.

Poor delivery

One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it. A change in these habits can make a big difference since your voice and body language is a vital part of communication. Some things to think about:

Slowing down. When you get excited about something its easy to start talking faster and faster. Try and slow down. It will make it much easier for people to listen and for you actually get what you are saying across to them.

Speaking up. Dont be afraid to talk as loud as you need to for people to hear you.

Speaking clearly. Dont mumble.

Speak with emotion. No one listens for that long if you speak with a monotone voice. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice.

Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between thoughts or sentences creates a bit of tension and anticipation. People will start to listen more attentively to what youre saying. Listen to one of Brian Tracys cds or Steve Pavlinas podcasts. Listen to how using small pauses makes what they are saying seem even more interesting.

Learn a bit about improving your body language as it can make your delivery a lot more effective. Read about laughter, posture and how to hold your drink in 18 ways to improve your body language.

Hogging the spot-light

Ive been guilty of this one on more occasions than I wish to remember. Everyone involved in a conversation should get their time in the spotlight. Dont interrupt someone when they are telling some anecdote or their view on what you are discussing to divert the attention back to yourself. Dont hijack their story about skiing before its finished to share your best skiing-anecdote. Find a balance between listening and talking.

Having to be right

Avoid arguing and having to being right about every topic. Often a conversation is not really a discussion. Its a more of a way to keep a good mood going. No one will be that impressed if you win every conversation. Instead just sit back, relax and help keep the good feelings going.

Talking about a weird or negative topic

If youre at a party or somewhere were you are just getting to know some people you might want to avoid some topics. Talking about your bad health or relationships, your crappy job or boss, serial killers, technical lingo that only you and some other guy understands or anything that sucks the positive energy out of the conversation are topics to steer clear from. You might also want to save religion and politics for conversations with your friends.

Being boring

Dont prattle on about your new car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people. Or when everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.

One good way to have something interesting to say is simply to lead an interesting life. And to focus on the positive stuff. Dont start to whine about your boss or your job, people dont want to hear that. Instead, talk about your last trip somewhere, some funny anecdote that happened while you where buying clothes, your plans for New Years Eve or something funny or exciting.

Another way is just to be genuinely interested. As Dale Carnegie said:

You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.

Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to steer the conversation back to your favourite subject is a nice quality.

Meaning: talking for what seems like hours about one topic. Topics may include work, favourite rock-band, TV-show and more work. Opening up a bit and not clinging desperately to one topic will make the conversation feel more relaxed and open. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease. As youve probably experienced with other people; this quality is something you appreciate in a conversation and makes you feel like you can connect to that person easily.

Not reciprocating

Open up and say what you think, share how you feel. If someone shares an experience, open up too and share one of your experiences. Dont just stand there nodding and answer with short sentences. If someone is investing in the conversation theyd like you to invest too.

Like in so many areas in life, you cant always wait for the other party to make the first move. When needed, be proactive and be the first one to open up and invest in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions with statements. It makes you less passive and makes take a sort of stand.

Not contributing much

You might feel that you dont have much to contribute to a conversation. But try anyway. Really listen and be interested in what the others are saying. Ask questions. Make relating statements.

Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your surroundings to talk about. Develop your personal knowledge-bank by expanding your view of interesting things in the world. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water cooler-topics.

Work on your body language, how you talk and try assuming rapport to improve your communication skills.

But take it easy. Dont do it all at once. Youll just feel confused and overwhelmed. Instead, pick out the three most important things that you feel needs improving. Work on them every day for 3-4 weeks. Notice the difference and keep at it. Soon your new habits will start to pop up spontaneously when you are in a conversation.

12 Responses to Do you make these 10 mistakes in a conversation?

You raise a very good pointer regarding treating people you meet for the first time as if they were one of your best friends, its helped me in parties where there were some awkward silence because no-one felt comfortable until someone broke the ice after the initial greetings and conversation topics.

Nice article, with a good mood to it. You managed to tackle an important topic with simple and sensible advice, and not just recipes. I do feel however, that the Not Listenning section is the most important one. It reminds me of a line in Fight Club, where he mentions how people are usually just waiting for their turn to talk.

In the end, I feel its about being genuine. If you genuinely take an interest in people and their points of view, youll grow a lot, your own thoughts and opinions will be nurtured by other peoples, and youll end up having more to offer in future conversations.

Thank you for a very insightful article.

In this time of radio and TV attack shows and hosts and guests who interrupt each other constantly, and make argument and loud disagreement the whole point of the show, its nice to know someone wants to have a conversation.

Remember conversation? I do.

Good list. Two more tips:

1.If someone asks me a question in conversation, I almost always try to ask them the same question back after Ive answered. Nine times out of ten, they will have already thought of their own answer, so it will make them look clever. Example: if they ask me, What did you think of that movie? After I answer, Ill ask them back.

2.Remember details about people and ask them about it later. Example, if they were working on a big project at work two weeks ago, remember and ask how it turned out. Or if they bought a new pet, next time you see them, ask how the pet is holding up in a new home. Friends love it when you remember and ask about the insignificant significant things in their lives.

This is an amazing resource. Simply amazing.

Its a wonderful starting point for people genuinely looking to improve their conversation skills and a good checklist for those already on the path to improving theirs.

I love the part about becoming interesting. The best way is to constantly do different things. Instead of going to a movie, go to an opera. Instead of watching TV, read a book. Instead of eating a burger, try some sushi. Get out there! Find out about different social groups in your area, volunteer your time helping out. Become accustomed choosing the option that youve never experienced. Youll be surprised how much youll learn.

Heres an alternative view - probing people for their personal details, just to exercise them might be seen as silly and timewasting. Only ask questions you really want the answers to.

I cant stand these morons that ask my inane questions as if they are doing me some sort of favor - usually they are harmless, but always irritating.

For some you should keep this in mind.

Smile. It works.

This list is a good start. Some other tips I would make are:

1.If you are talking to a woman, avoid staring at her breasts. You can still look at them but make sure your eyes do not linger there.

2.Avoid making racist jokes and using words like nigger until you are sure it will not offend the person you are talking to.

3.Avoid bodily functions like belching and avoid touching any part of your face below your nose.

4.How you say something is just as important as what you have to say. For example if you say yeah, right that could sound sarcastic depending on how you say it.

A very interesting way to get beyond the traditional question of, "What do you do?" is to ask the question, "What else do you do?"

This questions completely shifts the conversation to a more personal connection and you will hear some amazing stories.

Wow this site gives a nice starter up for those who want to improve communication skills in a convo. Ive certainly experienced these problems, but these really help to give pointers to improve them. I think the main one is really trying hard to listen to what the person is saying, and figuring out what they actually mean.

That bit about what to say after exhausting the usual starter convos are good tips - I tend to find those useful when trying to make new friends.

Another tip: Spot when people are genuinely tired and dont want to talk much. Sometimes its good just to have company without much talk.

also:

Leaving People Out

Consider 80% a Quorum. If more than one in five people dont understand or have no interest in the subject, change it.

Also, dont give shy people a break. Ask them questions - often they want to to say something but dont want to interject.

Good stuff.

I like the comment about not giving shy people a break. Ive always considered myself shy and having the other person start tends to loosen me up a bit.

Copyright 2006 Henrik Edberg. All rights reserved.

-END-