Discovering a Big God in a Small Boat

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    Discover ing a B ig Godin a S ma l l B oat

    John Fehlen

    #262714

    Vanguard University of Southern California

    Master of Arts in Leadership Studies

    CLSG606 Spiritual Formation

    Professor Roger Heuser

    April 22, 2008

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    I love to kayak. I discovered the sport about seven years ago and have come to enjoy it on

    an immensely deep and personal level. Kayaking has come to represent something larger and

    more profound in my life than I would have ever guessed it could have when I began. It started

    because I needed a hobby. I was burnt out and tired in ministry. My devotions were sporadic and

    dull. My marriage was struggling and my heart was shrinking. I desperately needed a restoration

    of my soul. Little did I realize that, while floating along, I would rediscover a big God in the

    hull of a small boat.

    As a point of both meditation and orientation, consider the following words from Kim

    Heacoxs coming-of-middle-age memoir,

    Blue minarets of ice tipped away at precarious angles. Others stood as fractured fins and

    flying buttresses two hundred feet tall, certain to fall any day. Any minute. A light rain

    washed the ice and rock, the kayak and me. Delicate streams dripped off my hat into Reid

    Inlet where each droplet beaded diamond-like before joining the great whole of the silt-

    laden sea. Birds called in dialects of kittiwake and tern. A harbor seal watched me with

    obsidian eyes, only its head above the water, its whiskered face a cipher of mistrust.

    Icebergs surrounded me, this one a castle, that one a swan, each a corridor into the magic

    we know as children but lose as adults. Each capable of rolling over at any time, like

    innocence. My knees were braced against the inside of the kayak. My gear was packed in

    plastic garbage bags stuffed into compartments forward and aft. Not much room to

    maneuver. My feet operated pedals connected to thin cables that controlled the rudder.

    Push on the left pedal and the kayak went left; push on the right and it went right. Sit still

    and it obeyed the higher calling of wind and tides. I glided forward, thinking that a

    kayakers passage through Glacier Bay is more like that of light through water, a

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    refraction, a silent process of changing and being changed with each pull of the

    paddle and chant of the rain, each soft landing of snowflake on ice field. You hear the

    idioms of ice, the crystals cracking, the glacier groaning. You brace for the icefall that

    doesnt come because the glacier has more patience than you. You think about geologic

    time, the depth of a epoch, the tiny tenure of a single human life.1

    Heacox and others have served as an inspiration for me and have fueled my desire to kayak the

    Inside Passage (from Olympia, Washington to Glacier Bay, Alaska). This is a massive

    undertaking, one that may take my lifetime to complete, in small portions. For now, many of my

    kayak trips are near my home, in the waters of the Puget Sound in Northwest Washington State.

    Picture, if you will, a tiny dime in an olympic-sized swimming pool, and you will have a

    comparison to that of a kayaker on the Puget Sound. It is humbling and often overwhelming, and

    yet, one is awed by the magnitude and grandeur of the God of the Universe who dwarfs the

    waters of the earth. Big Godsmall boat. Creatorcreation. Himme.

    I approach the study of spiritual formation with this glorious backdrop in place. It is very

    awe-inspiring to consider that our big God would desire to lovingly form himself within small

    me. The mystery is not only found in the Why? but also in the How?.

    Why? Simply put: I am his beloved. God loves me. He wants to form himself within

    me. Henri Nouwens thoughts on the matter are compelling:

    The spiritual life is a life in which you gradually learn to listen to a voicethat says,

    You are the beloved and on you my favor rests. Jesus heard that voice. He heard that

    voice when He came out of the Jordan River. I want you to hear that voice, too. It is a

    very important voice that says, "You are my beloved son; you are my beloved daughter. I

    1Kim Heacox, The Only Kayak(Guilford, CT: The Lyons Press, 2005), 3.

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    love you with an everlasting love. I have molded you together in the depths of the earth. I

    have knitted you in your mother's womb. I've written your name in the palm of my hand

    and I hold you safe in the shade of my embrace. I hold you. You belong to Me and I

    belong to you. You are safe where I am. Don't be afraid. Trust that you are the beloved.

    That is who you truly are.2

    In the context of a beautiful backdrop of voluminous water, blue sky, amazing creatures, and the

    bright sun, I am convinced that God loves me. I am the crown jewel of his creation. He made me

    (and the rest of mankind) and declared it was good then rested. In me, his beloved, he displayed

    unconditional love as is observed by Nouwen, Jesus shows us that true love, the love that comes

    from God, makes no distinction between friends and foes, between people who are for us and

    people who are against us, people who do us a favor and people who do us ill. God makes no

    such distinction. He loves all human beings, good or bad, with the same unconditional love.3

    How? This, however, is not as simple as the Why. Spiritual formation is a mystery that

    has been written about and deliberated for centuries. What emerges are a number of key voices,

    many of which are saying similar things yet with unique bents and nuances. These voices

    continue to serve as guides as I paddle along in the big waters. These voices draw attention to the

    contour of the shore, the rhythm of the waves, the give and take of the tides, and the subtleties of

    the surroundings that so often go unnoticed. These voices challenge me when I need to paddle

    harder into the wind, when I need to coast with the natural currents, when I need to lean into the

    swelling wave, and when to rest and replenish my strength. These voices have gotten up close to

    2Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Life of the Beloved sermon transcript,

    http://www.csec.org/csec/sermon/nouwen_3502.htm.3

    Henri J.M. Nouwen,Letters to Marc About Jesus (San Francisco: HarperCollins

    Publishers, 1987), 59.

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    the breakers of the shore and navigated the rocks. They have gone out farther than I have dared

    to go, serving as an inspiration to me when I fear the unknown.

    This essay, musings of sorts, will attempt to capture the ebb and flow of a small kayaker

    on big waters and draw parallels to the spiritual formation accomplished by a big God, through

    the person of Jesus Christ with the power of the Holy Spirit. Research support will come from

    fellow paddlers such as John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, Gregory of Nyssa, Thomas Green,

    Robert Webber, and M. Robert Mulholland Jr. Throughout the centuries they, and so many

    others, have navigated similar waters and have been kind in sharing their discoveries. I will add

    to their understanding of spiritual formation with my own shoreline discoveries from kayaking.

    What will emerge arefour stages in the journey of spiritual formation based upon my

    discoveries of a Big God from a Small Boat.

    Defining Spiritual FormationThroughout history, spiritual formation has adopted a number of images in order to make

    sense and bring clarity to the progression of growth in Christ. Various images that have found a

    place in Christian tradition are: the struggle, the desert, the ascent, and the way, to name a few.

    Each image brings with it a level of understanding to the initial entrance into Christian

    fellowship and to the subsequent pathways of discipleship. The focus of this research, however,

    will be upon one of the most powerful images in the Christian life: the journey. It is my

    assertion that the journey is the destination that all of life in Christ is a process of spiritual

    formation including the discoveries made in a small watercraft.

    There is no one singular event that constitutes faith, but rather an ongoing pilgrimage

    towards the likeness of Christ. Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich believe The spiritual journey

    is deceptively simple and at the same time highly complex. Describing this paradox of

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    spirituality is difficult, and can really only be lived into. This is why the journey is so profound.

    And that is why it is critical. It is life itself.4 The journey is our life. The whole of our existence

    becomes the pathway for the journey to unfold. Nothing is exempt. All is integrated into the fiber

    of who we are and are becoming in Christ, and the longer a person lives the more nuance,

    progress and broadening of experience one will discover which is why I have chosen the

    imagery of a kayaking journey to express spiritual formation. Humorously, Kim Heacox says,

    You paddle a canoe; you weara kayak.5 A kayak, being of such small stature, is a part of your

    life; an extension of your bodily frame and so is the journey towards spiritual formation.

    Our spiritual mothers and fathers have much to say regarding spiritual formation. Origen

    of Alexandria (c. 185-254) believes the spiritual journey was conceived as a recovery of the

    likeness of God in the soul in a movement upwards from the material realm towards greater

    light.6 In contrast to Origen, Gregory of Nyssa believes the journey is one towards darkness

    rather than light. John of the Cross, in his classic work,Ascent of Mount Carmel, employs the

    imagery of the spiritual journey as a climb up a mountain. HisDark Night of the Soulnarrates a

    journey of the soul from her bodily home to her union with God. This journey, from the writings

    of John of the Cross, is centered in a detachment from the world and in a reaching for the light of

    perfect union with the Creator.

    Many of the early church Fathers understood Christian life to be a pilgrimage. Such is the

    case with St. Clement (Bishop of Rome c. 90-99 AD) inLetter from St. Clementin which he

    writes: Greetings from the Church of God which dwells as a pilgrim in Rome to the Church of

    God in pilgrimage at Corinth, and the second-centuryLetter to Diognetus which declared:

    4Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich, The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of

    Faith (Wisconsin: Sheffield Publishing Company, 1995), 21.5

    Heacox, The Only Kayak, 3.6

    Philip Sheldrake,A Brief History of Spirituality (Blackwell Publishing Ltd., 2007), 27.

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    [Christians] live each in his native land but as though they were not really at home there [lit. as

    sojourners]. They share in all duties as citizens and suffer all hardships as strangersthey dwell

    on earth but they are citizens of heaven.7

    St. Benedict refers to the journey in terms of a laddera ladder of our ascending

    actions.8

    Teresa of Avila (1515-1582) in her classic, The Interior Castle, vividly describes the

    spiritual journey in terms of progression through the different rooms or mansions of the castle

    of the soul.9 Each of these metaphors forms a tapestry into the rich understanding of spiritual

    formation. It is a tapestry that has many more layers, definitions, nuances, and dimensions than

    allowed space in this research, both from a historical and modern perspective. The story

    continues to add chapters. The song grows with more and more verses. The journey continues

    because it is the destination.

    Stages in the Journey of Spiritual Formation

    If the journey is indeed the destination then one must wrestle with the notion that there

    are stages to the journey. In reference to St. Benedict, can there truly be rungs to the ladder of

    ascent? Is there a goal to the journey, and if there is, then what are the stages along the way in

    order to achieve this goal? These questions have been the source of much consternation to many

    spiritual thinkers throughout history.

    Indeed there are many phases, stages, transitions, and stopping points along the journey.

    The convergence, although ambiguous, is to become more like Jesus. M. Robert Mulholland Jr.

    in his work entitled The Deeper Journey, expounds upon this foundational truth by saying: It is

    being in a relationship of loving union with God that manifests itself in Christ-like living in the

    7Craig G. Barthomew and Fred Hughes,Explorations in a Christian Theology of

    Pilgrimage. (Ashgate Publishing Ltd, 2004), 95.8

    Sheldrake,A Brief History of Spirituality, 36.9

    Ibid., 139.

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    world. It is to this life of deep, loving union with God that the mothers and fathers of our

    spiritual tradition call us.10 The concept ofunion is one used historically to understand spiritual

    formation as a journey. Another concept is that ofperfection. Philip Sheldrake references these

    two rather static conceptsto express the where to? of the journey, but ultimately the end in

    view is a more mysterious and dynamic fullness of life in God.11

    In the history of the church

    many have attempted to delineate this mysterious journey in terms of stages. Soren Kierkegaard

    mused on the stages on lifes way. Evelyn Underhill described phases or stages of faith. Even

    John BunyansPilgrims Progress broadens the theme of stages in the Christian journey of faith.

    Of course, one must acknowledge the phases in human development: birth, childhood,

    adolescence, young adulthood, middle age, older adulthood, and senior adult status. Each of

    these stages builds upon the previous stage developmentally. Likewise, spiritual formation

    cannot be limited to only one event. It must be thought of in terms of stages of faith in which the

    Christian believer transitions progressively towards union with God through Christ. Mulholland

    Jr. agrees inInvitation to a Journey, The Christian journey towards wholeness in the image of

    Christ for the sake of others progresses by means of spiritual disciplines. Just as a journey from

    one place to another requires varied sets of disciplines for successful completion (walking,

    driving, flying, navigation skills and the like), so the Christian journey has its own set of

    disciplines which enable the pilgrim to progress through the stages of the spiritual path towards

    wholeness in Christ.12

    One such example of stages in the journey, and there are many, is from Janet Hagberg

    and Robert Guelich in The Critical Journey: Stage One, Recognition of God; Stage Two, Life of

    10M. Robert Mulholland Jr. The Deeper Journey: The Spirituality of Discovering Your

    True Self(Illinois: IVP Books, 2006), 16.11

    Sheldrake,A Brief History of Spirituality, 35.12

    M. Robert Mulholland Jr.,Invitation to a Journey (Illinois: InterVarsity, 1993), 76.

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    Discipleship; Stage Three, Productive Life; Stage Four, Journey Inward; Stage Five, Journey

    Outward; and Stage Six, Life of Love.13 These fluid stages are subtle and often mystifying and

    yet essential to faith maturation. Stages of spiritual formation provide a map of sorts for the

    journey ahead and there is no oneway to categorize spiritual formation. Likewise there is no one

    way to navigate a swell, paddle a series of ever-changing tidal deltas, or cross an open body of

    water. There are too many factors: tides, wind, boat traffic, temperatures, and currents. Life and

    spirituality is like this fluid.

    Thus,fluid, will serve as a primary descriptor when considering four stages in the journey

    of spiritual formation as seen through the motif of Discovering a Big God in a Small Boat.

    Launching (Salvation)

    Every journey must start at the beginning. The appropriate beginning for the Christian

    faith is that of salvation. This is the launch point for spiritual formation. Mulholland Jr. calls this

    stage awakeningand insists that it is a two-sided experiencean encounter with the living

    Godalso an encounter with our true self.14

    This certainly is not intended to negate the valid journey prior to salvation in which

    individuals are seeking and testing the claims of Christ. This becomes a test-drive of sorts for

    the pre-believer. I have tested a number of kayaks prior to purchasing the three boats that I have

    owned over the years. The process of discovery is important and yet for our purposes the stages

    of spiritual formation will begin at the launch salvation. What is worthy of consideration

    regarding an individuals launch into salvation is the depth of the waters found at most launch

    sites. Often a boat will be put into waters that are very shallow and gradually deepen upon

    13Hagberg and Guelich, The Critical Journey, 17.

    14Mulholland Jr.,Invitation to a Journey, 80.

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    launch. The low waters of a launch site afford paddlers the opportunity to acclimate and then

    put out into deeper waters, as he or she feels comfortable. Such is the case with salvation.

    Robert E. Webber confirms this analogy, In some cases this reorientation of direction

    [repentance] may have a dramatic origin. In other casesa persons new identity may come

    from a gradual, almost imperceptible process of awareness of their spiritual identity. But for

    both, whether immediate or gradual, there is a dramatic ritual that marks our embrace of Jesus.15

    The dramatic ritual that Webber alludes to is what I am calling a launch the starting point of

    salvation, awakeninga person into the journey of spiritual formation.

    Paddling (Serving)

    After a launch the kayaker then begins to paddle. One online kayaking tutorial explains

    the process as such: Power in paddling does not come from the arms. It comes from trunk

    (torso) rotation matched with leg drive (or leg pressure), with the arms little more than linkage

    between the power source and the paddle. Control of the kayak does not come from brute force.

    It comes from the right stroke being applied in the right direction at the right time - its all done

    with coordination and balance.16

    Notice the key concepts, not from brute force, right

    direction, and coordination and balance. The art of paddling may seem like little more than

    moving water in one way in order to go the opposite way, and yet there is so much more

    involved. If a zealous paddler over-reaches or pulls too hard with the upper-body than one can

    easily capsize. Balance and proper application are essential to paddling effectively.

    15Robbert E. Webber, The Divine Embrace: Recovering the Passionate Spiritual Life

    (Michigan: BakerBooks, 2006), 151.16New South Wales Canoeing Online,

    http://www.nswcanoe.org.au/?MenuID=Training/591/0,Getting+Started/87/0,Techniques/55/0&

    Page=2264

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    The second stage of spiritual formation ispaddling, which is a way of describing the

    period of the journey in which a believer deals with his or her unlikeness to Christ. In other

    words, the real work of serving begins, whereby the flesh of our human nature is brought into

    consistency with the nature of Christ. Mulholland Jr. refers to this stage as purgation: the

    process of bringing our behavior, our attitudes, our desires into increasing harmony with our

    growing perception of what the Christlike life is all about.17

    I contend that the life of Christ on

    earth was all aboutserving. He consistently and sacrificially served mankind, even unto death.

    Robert H. Miller, in his landmark workKayaking the Inside Passage declares that the

    number of strokes required to paddle the Inside Passage [is] 1,536,000.

    18

    Whether or not this

    is accurate remains to be discovered first-hand, but suffice it to say, it is a lot! Kayaking is hard

    work and there is a great deal of paddling required to get just about anywhere. Being conformed

    to the image of Christ for the sake of others, as delineated by Mulholland Jr., is work as well.

    Work is not necessary for salvation because that comes only by grace through faith and not of

    anything of our own strength. And yet, once a person has launched into salvation the journey

    involves work[ing] out your salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12).

    Pastor Nate of the fictitious Upper Room Church in Patrick Odens conversational

    theology bookIts A Dance is found musing upon servanthood in this way: Because Im a

    pastor I already spend my life in ministry. But for me this is also a place of power and

    authoritymy will is important and people listen to it. Thats a problem for me, and it can be a

    problem for the community. SoI realized that I had to get into a place where I could really be a

    servant. Not a so-called servant leader in a position where everyone does what I say and I choose

    17Mulholland Jr.,Invitation to a Journey, 82.

    18Robert H. Miller,Kayaking the Inside Passage (Woodstock, Vermont: The

    Countryman Press: 2005), 11.

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    what to do for them. Instead I have to let go that which is so natural for me, for the sake of my

    soul.19 Odens understanding of Christian spirituality emphasizes the notion that the journey of

    spiritual formation is fluid a movement or a dance with the Holy Spirit. This notion

    reinforces the imagery of a paddler, lightly moving water in the right direction at the right time,

    in a graceful partnership with the waters, all done in the pursuit of discovering a Big God from

    the hull of a Small Boat.

    Bracing (Suffering)

    A common technique used to keep a kayak from capsizing is called bracing. Bracing

    involves the extension of the face of the paddle on the water surface in order to create a plain of

    stability to naturally brace the boat from capsizing. There are a number of variations of the

    bracing technique, each with a specific application to be utilized during specific conditions. The

    goal for bracing is to maintain the upright position on the water during extreme conditions.

    The journey towards spiritual formation can be extreme as well and can often involve

    sharing in the sufferings of Jesus. One must brace themselves for tough times as Christians.

    Mulholland Jr. calls this stage illumination. He is quick to admit, The stage of illumination is

    not some idyllic life free from problems.20

    Mulholland draws from Benedict J. Groeshels book

    Spiritual Passages: The illuminative way is not a cloudless summer day. It is a spring morning

    after a bad storm. Even though everything is washed clean, and the sky is filled with clouds and

    sunlight, there are many fallen trees and an occasional live wire blocking the road.21

    This

    imagery finds its source in Christs passion and suffering and in the motifs of a dry well

    (Thomas Green) or dark night (John of the Cross). Teresa of Avila has written of a desolating

    19Patrick Oden,Its A Dance: Moving with the Holy Spirit(Newberg, Oregon: Barclay

    Press, 2007), 163.20

    Mulholland Jr.,Invitation to a Journey, 97.21

    Benedict J. Groeschel, Spiritual Passages (New York: Crossroad, 1984), 117-335.

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    dryness whereby a Christian follows the crucified Lord by picking up his or her cross. Father

    Thomas Green asserts that the cross of desolation is not just a whim of God, it is the only way

    we can truly learn to love.22

    There comes a time in the journey of spiritual formation in which the Christian paddler

    must call upon spiritual resources in order to keep from going overboard. These times are not

    meant to be the norm nor the pattern of Christian existence, but they are indeed a part of the

    journey. Talk to a kayaker that has never gotten fully wet (or had the distinct threat of capsizing),

    and I will show you a kayaker that has not fully experienced the sport. A wealth of experience is

    gained through suffering the kind of experience that cannot be gained by only reading of other

    peoples experiences. It must be found first-hand.

    It is this truth that Henri Nouwen communicates, [Jesus] tells his disciples yet again, and

    very plainly, that a person who wants to lead a spiritual life cannot do so without the prospect of

    suffering and death. Living spiritually is made possible only through a direct, uncushioned

    confrontation with the reality of death.23

    In fairness, actual, physical death is not a common

    occurrence in the sport of kayaking (as well as in modern Western Christianity), but it is a state

    of mind for the Christian believer to consider the cost, and to save his life by loosing it (Luke

    9:24). Brace for it. Prepare for struggles. They are a significant part of spiritual formation.

    Floating (Spirit-Union)

    The final stage in spiritual formation that I have discovered from the hull of a small boat

    is calledfloating. This term has been borrowed from Father Thomas Green who most certainly

    drew from the wells of Teresa of Avila or John of the Cross in coining this concept. To float is to

    22Thomas H. Green, S.J., When the Well Runs Dry: Prayer Beyond the Beginnings

    (Notre Dame, Indiana: Ave Maria Press: 1998), 91.23

    Henri Nouwen,Letters to Marc about Jesus, 29-30.

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    fully depend upon the Lord, to be at home in doing nothing, and to allow our souls to live in the

    present moment of peaceful attentiveness to God.

    Mulholland Jr. would call this stage union. He describes it as complete oneness with

    God in which we find ourselves caught up in rapturous joy, adoration, praise, and a deep peace

    that passes all understanding. This is a gift of Gods grace not the result of our efforts.24

    Floating is the point in our spiritual journey in which we follow the model of Jesus when he said:

    By himself the Son can do nothing; he can only do what he sees the Father doing: and whatever

    the Father does, the Son does too (John 5:19). Paddling aggressively and bracing against the

    swells seems to diminish, and what remains is a life of floating that lasts for all eternity.

    Floating allows for the natural ebb and flow of the open waters. The natural current gives

    speed and direction on the journey. When kayaking, times of floating give room for

    introspection, gazing, and daydreaming. It is not hard to realize that there are forces greater than

    the strength of the paddler and the aerodynamics of the watercraft there is wind, producing

    waves, producing motion and propulsion. Floating is the entry into the unknown.

    Green describes something so wonderful and alluring in the following phrase: Floaters

    in the sea of God never swim again nor do they have any desire to. The wonders of floating fill

    their every desire.25 One can almost hear the deep impartation of grace and joy as Green

    delivers those words. I can picture the glowing, knowing smile upon his face. He speaks of the

    sweet spot found in relationship to Abba Father.

    24Mulholland Jr.,Invitation to a Journey, 97.

    25Green, When the Well Runs Dry, 160.

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    Like all great symbols, water is rich with symbolic possibilities. Green believes we can

    never exhaust all that it can reveal to us, and the friends of God continually find new meaning

    in it.26

    Launching,Paddling,BracingandFloating each metaphors for the journey of spiritual

    formation. One cannot help but be struck by the conscience flow and strategic balance found in

    the imagery of a small boat in big waters, discovering an even bigger God. Kim Heacox

    interestingly points out: The word itself is a palindrome: kayak. It reads the same forward as

    backward, just as the boat is balanced fore and afta kayak is special. Its something you

    wear.27

    Such should be our spirituality.

    Photo taken after a 3-hour battle pulling my kayak through deep mudflats of the Puget Sound.I misread the tide! Notice that there is no water behind me that is all silty, knee-deep mud.

    Life, as well as spirituality, is always full of challenges.

    26Ibid., 38.

    27Heacox, The Only Kayak, 7.

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    Palmer, Parker J.A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey towards an Undivided Life. San Francisco:Jossey-Bass, 2004.

    Pfatteicher, Philip H.Liturgical Spirituality. Trinity Press International, 1997.

    Scaperlanda, Maria Ruiz. The Journey: A Guide for the Modern Pilgrim. Illinois: Loyola Press,2004.

    Sheldrake, Philip.A Brief History of Spirituality. Blackwell Publishing Inc., 2007.

    Teresa of Avila.Interior Castle. Doubleday, 1961,

    Walters, Kerry S. Soul Wilderness: A Desert Spirituality.New Jersey: Paulist Press, 2001.

    Webber, Robert E. The Divine Embrace: Recovering the Passionate Spiritual Life. GrandRapids, MI: Baker Books, 2006.

  • 8/14/2019 Discovering a Big God in a Small Boat

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    Fehlen 18

    Stages of Spiritual Formation

    Bracing Floating

    PaddlingLaunching