DISCIPLINE MATTERSaz480170.vo.msecnd.net/e79000e2-9be4-438c-8558-18a... · why children need...
Transcript of DISCIPLINE MATTERSaz480170.vo.msecnd.net/e79000e2-9be4-438c-8558-18a... · why children need...
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DISCIPLINE MATTERS: GETTING THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT
FROM YOUR CHILD
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DISCIPLINE MATTERS
OBJECTIVES
1. REVIEW STRATEGIES AND TECHNIQUES
THAT WILL HELP PARENTS GET THE
BEHAVIOR THEY WANT FROM THEIR
CHILDREN.
2. PROVIDE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR PARENTS
TO DISCUSS PARENTING CHALLENGES
AND SOLUTIONS WITH OTHER PARENTS
AND SCHOOL STAFF MEMBERS.
3. STRENGTHEN OUR HOME/SCHOOL
PARTNERSHIP TO BENEFIT STUDENTS.
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SUPERNANNY
• Have you ever felt like you needed the
help of the Supernanny to discipline your
children?
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NO ONE HAS ALL THE
ANSWERS • NOT EVEN SUPERNANNY!
• HOWEVER – SOME USEFUL
GUIDELINES AND STRATEGIES CAN
HELP MAKE DISCIPLINE MORE
EFFECTIVE AND LESS STRESSFUL
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WHAT IS DISCIPLINE?
• DISCIPLINE IS OFTEN THOUGHT OF AS
PUNISHMENT, BUT ACTUALLY TO DISCIPLINE
MEANS TO TEACH.
• MORE THAN PUNISHMENT, DISCIPLINE SHOULD BE
A POSITIVE WAY OF HELPING AND GUIDING
CHILDREN TO ACHIEVE SELF-DISCIPLINE.
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PARENTS AND DISCIPLINE –
IMPORTANT IMPACT
• PARENTS’ BELIEFS ABOUT WHAT IS
GOOD DISCIPLINE WILL HAVE A
GREAT EFFECT ON HOW THEIR
CHILDREN LIVE THEIR LIVES AND GET
ALONG WITH OTHERS.
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WHAT MATTERS TO
YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DISCUSS AND/OR KNOW MORE
ABOUT ON THE TOPIC OF
DISCIPLINE?
PARENT TO PARENT DISCUSSION
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ABOUT BEHAVIOR
1. BEHAVIOR IS LEARNED
2. BEHAVIOR IS SHAPED BY CONSEQUENCES
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MORE ABOUT BEHAVIOR
3. BEHAVIOR THAT IS REWARDED CONTINUES;
BEHAVIOR THAT IS NOT REWARDED IS LESS
LIKELY TO CONTINUE
WE REWARD BEHAVIOR (GOOD AND BAD) BY
PAYING ATTENTION TO IT AND ENGAGING THE CHILD
LIMIT ATTENTION AND ENGAGEMENT IF
YOUR CHILD IS NOT COMPLYING SO
THAT IT IS NOT REWARDED!
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SOME REASONS KIDS
MISBEHAVE
• Repeated behavior gets them the same results
each time. (They get what they want or they get
attention – positive or negative.)
• They may lack the skills to understand what is
expected due to age or processing issues
(memory, sensory issues, language processing.
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SOME MORE REASONS KIDS
MISBEHAVE
• Persistence – thinking they will “win” if they keep doing
the same thing despite powerful consequences in the
past.
• Intentional Disobeying – noncompliance, disregard of
rules, undesirable or unpleasant actions that you can
see and hear (oppositional, disrespectful, defiant,
undisciplined, “spoiled”)
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WHY CHILDREN NEED
DISCIPLINE • TO PROTECT THEM FROM DANGER (EX:
BUSY STREET, HOT STOVE)
• SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN TO GET ALONG
WITH OTHERS AND TO UNDERSTAND THAT
THERE ARE LIMITS ON ACCEPTABLE
BEHAVIOR
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MORE REASONS TO
DISCIPLINE • DISCIPLINE HELPS CHILDREN LEARN TO THINK IN
AN ORDERLY FASHION AND UNDERSTAND THE
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS SO
THAT THEY CAN BE SUCCESSFUL IN SCHOOL AND
AS ADULTS.
• DISCIPLINE HELPS CHILDREN UNDERSTAND
PARENTS’ AND SOCIETY’S VALUES AND RULES.
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AS STATED EARLIER,DISCIPLINE IS NOT
THE SAME AS PUNISHMENT
• DISCIPLINE – THE PROCESS OF TEACHING
WHAT BEHAVIOR IS ALLOWED OR NOT
ALLOWED AND WHY
• PUNISHMENT – ANY CONSEQUENCE OF A
BEHAVIOR THAT REDUCES THE
FREQUENCY OF THAT BEHAVIOR
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WHAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT
WORKS BEST? • STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT PHYSICAL
PUNISHMENT (HITTING AND SLAPPING) AND
VERBAL ABUSE ARE NOT EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE.
• EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE COMPONENTS: CONTROL OF THE SITUATION
CERTAINTY
TIMELY
MEANINGFUL
WITHOUT PASSION
CLOSE PHYSICAL PROXIMITY
FRESH START/FORGIVENESS
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ULTIMATE GOAL OF USING THESE DISCIPLINE
COMPONENTS: COMPLIANCE • CONTROL - TO GAIN COMPLIANCE, START BY TELLING YOUR
CHILDREN WHAT THEY NEED TO DO, NOT ASKING THEM
• CERTAINTY – IF THE CHILD KNOWS THAT A CONSEQUENCE
WILL FOLLOW NONCOMPLIANCE, COMPLIANCE INCREASES
• TIMELY - CHILDREN GENERALLY COMPLY WHEN
CONSEQUENCES ARE RELATIVELY IMMEDIATE
• MEANINGFUL - FOR A CONSEQUENCE TO EFFECTIVELY
INFLUENCE BEHAVIOR, IT MUST BE MEANINGFUL
• DISPASSIONATE - KEEP THE EMOTION OUT OF DISCIPLINE
PROXIMITY – MOVE CLOSE AND LOOK AT YOUR
CHILD
FORGIVENESS AND FRESH START – ALWAYS!
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WHAT MATTERS TO
YOU? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD SO
FAR THAT YOU FEEL WILL HELP
YOU AS YOU DEAL WITH
DISCIPLINE CHALLENGES?
PARENT TO PARENT DISCUSSION
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PARENT RESPONSES TO
NONCOMPLIANCE • DISCIPLINE CAN OCCUR BEFORE
UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR OR AFTER
FRONT END INTERVENTIONS INCLUDE:
ESTABLISHING CONTROL
EXPRESSING APPROVAL OF POSITIVE BEHAVIOR
ANTICIPATION OF COMPLIANCE
PROMPTING AND CUEING
MONITORING CHILD’S ACTIONS
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PARENT RESPONSES TO
NONCOMPLIANCE BACK END INTERVENTIONS INCLUDE:
MAINTAINING CONTROL
BREVITY OF CONFRONTATION
SPECIFICITY ABOUT NON-COMPLIANT BEHAVIOR
TIMELINESS OF CONSEQUENCES
MAINTAIN PHYSICAL CLOSENESS WITH CHILD
MEANINGFUL CONSEQUENCES
FRESH START – ALWAYS GIVEN
DISPASSION – ALWAYS!
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PARENT RESPONSES TO
NONCOMPLIANCE EMPHASIZE BEHAVIOR – NOT ATTITUDE
– FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN SEE, HEAR OR
MEASURE
• ACTIONS
– WHAT IS HE/SHE DOING THAT I WANT TO STOP OR
START?
– WHAT WILL HE/SHE BE DOING THAT WILL TELL ME
THAT THINGS ARE OKAY?
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BEHAVIOR VS. ATTITUDE • WHY FOCUS ON BEHAVIOR – WHAT ABOUT
ATTITUDE?
1. ATTITUDES ARE INVISIBLE (CAN’T BE SEEN
HEARD OR MEASURED) – SO WE CAN ONLY
GUESS WHAT ATTITUDE IS BEING DEPICTED.
BEHAVIOR CAN BE SEEN HEARD, MEASURED.
THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY: KIDS CAN HAVE
WHATEVER ATTITUDE THEY CHOOSE, THEY JUST
CAN’T BEHAVE ANY WAY THEY WANT.
(THIS IS HARD, BUT WORTH IT!)
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BEHAVIOR VS. ATTITUDE
…WHY FOCUS ON BEHAVIOR – WHAT ABOUT
ATTITUDE?
2. WE DON’T KNOW AS MUCH ABOUT HOW TO
CHANGE ATTITUDES AS WE DO ABOUT HOW TO
INFLUENCE BEHAVIOR.
3. BEHAVIOR CHANGE USUALLY COMES BEFORE
ATTITUDE CHANGE
THEREFORE: IF YOU CAN’T SEE
OR HEAR IT – FORGET ABOUT IT!
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CONSEQUENCES THAT
DON’T WORK! • EMOTION
FRUSTRATION
EXASPERATION
ANGER
• WORDS, WORDS, WORDS
LECTURES AND SERMONETTES
SILLY QUESTIONS (HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO…)
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
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WHAT DOES WORK?
STRATEGIES TO TRY
DIRECTIVES – EYE CONTACT, NEUTRAL FACIAL EXPRESSION, CLEAR
FIRM, NEUTRAL TONE OF VOICE
– BE SPECIFIC
– DON’T SAY “PLEASE” OR “THANK YOU” WHEN GIVING A
DIRECTIVE
– DON’T REACT TO BLOWBACK
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STRATEGIES TO TRY
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THIS WORKS BETTER IF DONE
SPORADICALLY – NOT EVERY TIME!
– MOVE CLOSE, EYE CONTACT, SMILE,
– ACKNOWLEDGE THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR – NOT
THE CHILD
– PLEASANT, GENUINE TONE OF VOICE
– GESTURE OR APPROPRIATE TOUCH
– REACT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER
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STRATEGIES TO TRY
DIRECT REPRIMAND
- MOVE CLOSE TO CHILD
– LOOK AT THE CHILD
– HAVE A SERIOUS EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE
– MAKE A BRIEF DIRECTIVE STATEMENT
– USE A FIRM, CLEAR, LOW INTENSITY VOICE
– GESTURE FOR EMPHASIS
– ACT IMMEDIATELY
– IGNORE BLOWBACK
FOCUS YOUR WORDS ON THE LACK OF
• COMPLIANCE AND EXPECTATIONS FOR IT!
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STRATEGIES TO TRY
DISENGAGEMENT
– LOOK AWAY FROM THE CHILD
– TURN OR MOVE AWAY FROM CHILD
– MAINTAIN A NEUTRAL FACIAL EXPRESSION
– SAY NOTHING TO THE CHILD
NOTE: THE BEHAVIOR WILL GET
WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER!
REMAIN DISENGAGED UNTIL THE
BEHAVIOR STOPS!
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STRATEGIES TO TRY
TIME OUT
-EXPLAIN THE VIOLATION AND DESCRIBE THE PENALTY
SAY NOTHING ELSE!
--Send/lead/take the child to time out – SAY NOTHING
- The child must remain in time out and be quiet for 2-5 consecutive
minutes
- IGNORE CHILD WHO IS IN TIME OUT
- WHEN TIME IS OVER, SAY “TIME OUT IS OVER”. SAY
NOTHING ELSE!
- ACKNOWLEDGE NEXT POSITIVE BEHAVIOR THE CHILD
DISPLAYS
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WHEN USING TIME OUT…
…REMEMBER:
– REMAIN CALM AND MATTER-OF-FACT
– SAY ABSOLUTELY NO MORE THAN IS
NECESSARY
– IGNORE THE CHILD COMPLETELY WHILE IN TIME
OUT
– KEEP THE TIME-OUT PERIOD BRIEF -
AGE APPROPRIATE!
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WHAT MATTERS TO
YOU? DISCUSS DISCIPLINE
STRATEGIES FROM THE PREVIOUS
SLIDES AND/OR FROM YOUR
EXPERIENCE THAT SEEM TO BE
EFFECTIVE.
PARENT TO PARENT DISCUSSION
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TO BE CONTINUED…
WE WILL DISCUSS MORE DISCIPLINE CHALLENGES,
STRATEGIES, AND SOLUTIONS IN OUR NEXT SESSION
INCLUDING:
WHY KIDS KEEP MISBEHAVING
GOING BEYOND CONSEQUENCES – TIPS
DISCIPLINE FOULS
WHAT TO TRY AT HOME
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DISCIPLINE MATTERS: PART 2
GETTING THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT
FROM YOUR CHILD
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REVIEW AND SHARE Share with your group any
thoughts, challenges,
or ideas related to our topic:
Discipline Matters.
PARENT TO PARENT DISCUSSION
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WHY KIDS KEEP
MISBEHAVING • IT IS CYCLICAL
– KIDS AND PARENTS KEEP BEHAVING AND RESPONDING
IN THE SAME WAY OVER AND OVER. TO BE SUCCESSFUL
IN DIMINISHING OR ELIMINATING THE BEHAVIOR, THE
CYCLE MUST BE BROKEN!
IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU
ALWAYS DID, YOU WILL ALWAYS
GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT!
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CONSEQUENCES ARE ONLY PART OF THE
ANSWER –
DISCIPLINE TIPS
1. REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR
2. BE CLEAR ABOUT RULES – SET LIMITS
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MORE DISCIPLINE TIPS
3. NEUTRALIZE ARGUMENTS
• STEER CLEAR OF NO-WIN ARGUMENTS
• GO “BRAIN-DEAD” (NO RESPONSE)
• FEW WORDS
4. BUY YOURSELF TIME
TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED TO CALMLY DETERMINE
APPROPRIATE DISCIPLINE/CONSEQUENCES
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5. BE CONSISTENT ABOUT RULES – FIRM AND FAIR
6. SET A GOOD EXAMPLE – MODEL GOOD BEHAVIOR
7. BUILD INDEPENDENCE AND COMPLIANCE
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8. AVOID POWER STRUGGLES, NAGGING
CRITICIZING
9. USE MISTAKES AS OPPORTUNITIES TO
LEARN
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10. LIMIT TALK – FEW WORDS!
11.TAKE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD – ASK
12. DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE, RESPECT, COURTESY –
CONNECT BEFORE YOU CORRECT
13. ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH WITH WHATEVER
CONSEQUENCES YOU PROMISE (POSITVE
OR NEGATIVE)
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DISCIPLINE FOULS
COMMITTED BY PARENTS
MAKING EXCUSES BLAMING
PUT DOWNS LYING HITTING
TEASING THREATENING BOSSING
GETTING EVEN INTERRUPTING
NAME CALLING GRABBING
NOT LISTENING
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THIS IS IMPORTANT!
• NO ONE IS A PERFECT PARENT!
– DON’T FEEL GUILTY IF YOU MAKE
MISTAKES! EVERYONE DOES! (USE
THEM AS LEARNING EXPERIENCES.)
– YOUR CHILDREN WILL FORGIVE YOU.
– FORGIVE YOURSELF AND MOVE ON!
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WHEN IT COMES TO
DISCIPLINE – WHAT REALLY
MATTERS?
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RESPONSIBILITY MATTERS
- Chores
– Tools such as calendars and message boards
to help child stay on track
-Routines
-Natural consequences – don’t rescue!
- Parents as role models
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TALKING MATTERS
-CONVERSATIONS ARE IMPORTANT
MEALTIME, IN THE CAR, AFTER SCHOOL,
BEDTIME
-ASK QUESTIONS
(OPEN ENDED – “TELL ME ABOUT….”)
-BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER
PAY ATTENTION, LISTEN PATIENTLY,
ENCOURAGE MORE DISCUSSION
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SLEEP MATTERS
• 3-6 YR. OLDS – 10-12 HRS./DAY
• 7-12 YR. OLDS – 10-11 HRS./DAY
• 12-18 YR. OLDS – 8.5-9.5 HRS./DAY
• HAVE A CONSISTENT BEDTIME AND WAKE-
UP ROUTINE
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RESPECT MATTERS
• SHOW YOUR CHILD RESPECT
• TEACH RESPECT FOR OTHERS
• RESPECT THE SCHOOL
• BUILD SELF-RESPECT AND RESPECT
FOR BELONGINGS
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EXPECTATIONS MATTER
• DESCRIBE THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT TO
SEE FROM YOUR CHILD
• MAKE EXPECTATIONS REASONABLE
• SET GOALS WITH YOUR CHILD
• OFFER LOTS OF SUPPORT AND PRAISE
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CONSEQUENCES MATTER
• USE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
• MAKE THE CONSEQUENCES THAT
YOU CREATE FIT THE NEGATIVE
BEHAVIOR
• USE EFFECTIVE CONSEQUENCES
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HOME AND SCHOOL MATTERS
• GET TO KNOW THE TEACHER
• ATTEND SCHOOL EVENTS
• MONITOR SCHOOLWORK
• SUPPORT LEARNING AT HOME
• BE POSITIVE
• BE PROUD
• LIMIT DISTRACTIONS (TV AND VIDEO GAMES,
SCREEN TIME)
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WHAT MATTERS TO
YOU? WILL SOMETHING PRESENTED
THIS EVENING BE USEFUL TO YOU
AS YOU DEAL WITH DISCIPLINE
CHALLENGES AT HOME?
PARENT TO PARENT DISCUSSION
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RESOURCES FOR PARENTS
www.behavior-coach.com
Dennis Bumgarner, Indianapolis, ACSW,LCSW (behavior
coach)
Includes videos, suggestions for parents, contact
information for counseling
www.loveandlogic.com
Nationally recognized program for parents and
educators
Includes free handouts and articles
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WHICH PARENT WILL YOU BE?
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NEXT PAC MEETING
• HOMEWORK 911
• DATE: