Disagreeing With Dignity:Disagreeing With Dignity:For CouplesFor Couples

Presented by Don Boice, LCSW-R(585) 802-1273

Donboice@boicecounseling.com

www.boicecounseling.com

Why Do We Argue?Why Do We Argue?The reason we argue is to resolve a

conflict, of values, of perspectives, of ideas. How we argue becomes very important to

avoid making the conflict worse and to avoid hurting the other person.

How much time have you and your partner devoted to working out the mechanics of a good argument?

Single most important skill you Single most important skill you need in your relationshipneed in your relationship What is it?

How do You Argue?How do You Argue?Conflict Self-Awareness

Suggested Conflict RulesSuggested Conflict Rules Time- all the way throughPlace- private, not around the kids Tone/volume- no name calling  Duration- (15 minutes, 20, 25?)  Frequency- how often we clear the air  Goal- Is it to resolve, to blameEvaluate the process  Remember: You still have to deal with your

partner after the fight.

Disagreeing TraditionsDisagreeing Traditions We pray before we argue.We write down our concerns first, then we

discuss.We hold hands while we argue.We say, “I love you” before we argue and

remind each other why we got together in the first place.

We toss a coin before we talk and that determines who gets to win the argument.

Self-Talk During ConflictSelf-Talk During Conflict Let's look at the facts and figure this thing out. I know we can work this out.When I throw a tantrum, I get what I want. I win, you lose.Other

I StatementsI Statements “I feel

__________when____________” “I feel scared when you say we might

divorce.” “I feel angry when you call me

names.”

Communication Concepts Communication Concepts for Menfor Men You know very little about women, so

you have to keep learning, every day, every year.

Relationship Mini-Checkup for Relationship Mini-Checkup for MenMen If the most important thing to do in

staying together is to increase the amount and frequency of positive interactions, how well are you doing?

Changing the Way You FeelChanging the Way You Feel You are in charge of your feelingsYou determine how you want to feel

by what you think and say to yourself

What Motivates People to What Motivates People to Confront?Confront? And, what motivates people to avoid

confrontation?List several things that you, yourself

do to avoid confrontation.When you tell me what you refuse to

risk, it tells me where the relationship will end.

Disagreeing With DignityDisagreeing With DignityFor CouplesFor Couples(Sample of Presentation)(Sample of Presentation)

Presented by Don Boice, LCSW-R(585) 802-1273Donboice@boicecounseling.comwww.boicecounseling.com