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Re-Mapping Negative Self-TalkDecode Your Cravings - Workbook
Decode Your Cravings
Negative self-talk is messaging created by sub-
personalities that is shaming, guilting, bullying, or
otherwise destructive. Self-talk is a master
manipulator of human behavior.
I’ve made the case in the past that it’s not really “self-talk.”
Instead, it should be considered “other-talk.” It’s messaging
programmed by your experiences with influential people in your
life—parents, teachers, pastors, relatives, media, CULTure, etc.
This understanding is the difference between empowering
yourself and being forever broken. Because this idea of you
sabotaging yourself with these beliefs and phrases points to
some sort of malfunction of Self. Or a malfunction of your parts.
You’re not malfunctioning. You’re trying to function to the best
of your abilities in a malfunctioning environment.
The good news is that you can re-map this negative “self-talk.”
It doesn’t have to manipulate you any longer. That’s what this
workbook is going to help you with.
Engaging in this process consistently is the embodiment of you
putting your Authentic Self in the driver’s seat. Only your
Authentic Self is capable of refereeing this re-mapping process.
What is Negative Self-Talk?
Decode Your Cravings
Identify & discard compassion blocking language.
The two main types of compassion blocking language strategies
are moralization and deserve-oriented thinking/language.
Moralization: So much of our life is spent judging thoughts and
behaviors in terms of rightness and wrongness. Selfishness and
unselfishness. Good and bad.
Deserve-Oriented Thinking: We also tend to look at behaviors
and outcomes in terms of what should or shouldn’t happen. We
use moralization to make statements about what we or someone
else deserves. We boil everything down into black and white:
“Good people deserve good things,” “bad people deserve bad
things.” It’s a constant misguided quest for justice in situations
that have nothing to do with ethics.
These strategies beg for compassion blocking tactics as well:
diagnosis, judgments, labeling, insulting, blaming, criticism,
demands, and comparisons.
Doing this step is the foundation of remapping negative self-talk
because these strategies and tactics are themselves manipulative.
Think of this step as clearing the clutter and creating an even
playing field.
Step 1Examples of Compassion
Blocking Language
“I’m too lazy (diagnosis/judgement/insult/criticism/label) to
exercise consistently. […Therefore I’m bad. Therefore I don’t
deserve success. Therefore I should stop trying.]” (moralistic
judgement).
“I’m a hopeless failure (diagnosis/insult/criticism/label). It’s
been over a week and I haven’t lost a pound. […I deserve to lose
weight because I’ve been so good (moralistic judgement)].”
“It’s not fair (deserve-oriented) that I have to diet when others
(comparison) can eat what they want.”
“I need to stop being lazy (diagnosis/label/judgement/insult/
criticism) and get my ass in gear (demand). This is ridiculous
(criticism). I can’t believe I’ve done this to myself (blame).”
Decode Your Cravings
Observe without evaluating.
When we observe behaviors in ourselves and others, the default
response is to add an evaluation to that observation. The
evaluation often contains the compassion-blocking language we
just talked about.
It’s possible to observe without evaluating. Leaving out the
evaluation confines the conversation to the facts of the situation
as you know them to be.
The underlying reason for the evaluation is because people think
it’s forces or encourages corrective action. “If I tell myself how
bad I am, I’ll be better in the future.” “If I tell other people how
wrong they are, they’ll try to be more right.”
This strategy is highly ineffective. A more effective strategy is to
connect observations with needs.
Step 2Examples of Observing
Without Evaluating
“I just at a piece of cake. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“I didn’t go to the gym today. I’m so lazy. I have no discipline.”
“I stayed up way too late last night doing work stuff because of
my stupid perfectionism.”
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Identify & Express Feelings
It’s very helpful to link a feeling to an observation. This
connection with feelings turns on your empathetic pathways
(which turns off the pathways dedicated to compassion blocking
language).
Keep in mind that when asked to express feelings, some people
still express evaluations and simply put the word “feel” in front
of them: “I didn’t go to the gym today. I feel like a loser.” That’s
an evaluation not a feeling.
It’s most helpful to use specific feelings rather than general ones
when applying this technique. Saying, “I feel good about X” is too
general to be effective. “Good” can mean, “happy, empowered,
proud, etc.” The more specific you are, the more powerful this
technique is.
The following few pages will help with expressing feelings better by
giving you a “feelings inventory” to draw from.
Step 3Examples of Observing
Without Evaluating
“I just at a piece of cake. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel
frustrated…”
“I didn’t go to the gym today. I’m so lazy. I have no discipline. I
feel angry…”
“I stayed up way too late last night doing work stuff because of
my stupid perfectionism. I feel irritable and overwhelmed…”
The following are words we use when we want to express a
combination of emotional states and physical sensations. This list is
neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to
support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection
between people and Self. There are two parts to this list: feelings we
may have when our needs are being met and feelings we may have
when our needs are not being met.
Feelings Inventory
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ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful
AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed
YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful
CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn
DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn
DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset
EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious
AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried
ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked
VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky
Feelings When Needs Are UnSatisfied
FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out
PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful
SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched
TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out
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Confident empowered open proud safe secure
Excited amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant
Grateful appreciative moved thankful touched
Joyful amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled
Exhilarated blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled
Peaceful calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting
Refreshed enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived
Affectionate compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm
Engaged absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated
Inspired amazed awed wonder
Feelings When Needs Are Satisfied
Decode Your Cravings
Decode Your Cravings
Connecting feelings to needs.
The next step in the process of connected communication is
expressing your needs.
When talking to yourself, this allows you to focus on a solution
that meets your needs.
When talking to others, this allows them to understand your
needs and meet them if they so choose (which they’re more likely
to do because you’re focusing on your feelings and needs rather
than spending your time criticizing, blaming, and making
demands).
When this process is followed, you should find that you’re able to
be more honest with yourself and find solutions faster and easier
without arriving at a place of shame, guilt, or fear. Remember,
this process is extremely important because individual behaviors
are almost never responsible for failure. It’s what you think about
the behavior, how you talk about, and how you talk about yourself
that causes all the problems.
Disconnected communication with Self promotes victimhood and
shame. Connected communication with Self promotes resiliency
and progress.
Step 4Examples of Observing
Without Evaluating
“I just at a piece of cake. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel
frustrated. It’s important to me that I improve my health and
cake isn’t helping me reach that goal.”
“I didn’t go to the gym today. I’m so lazy. I have no discipline. I
feel angry because my body needs to move and I let other things
get in the way.”
“I stayed up way too late last night doing work stuff because of
my stupid perfectionism. I feel irritable and overwhelmed
because my body and mind need sleep.”
The following are words we use when we want to express our needs
as a healthy human being. This list is neither exhaustive nor
definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who
wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to
facilitate greater understanding and connection between people and
Self. There are two parts to this list: feelings we may have when our
needs are being met and feelings we may have when our needs are
not being met.
Needs Inventory
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Honesty authenticity integrity presence
Play joy humor
Physical Wellbeing air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water
Meaning awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding
Peace beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order
Autonomy choice freedom independence space spontaneity
Connection acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth
Needs Inventory
Decode Your Cravings
Decode Your Cravings
Advance your self-talk to consider sub-
personalities.
As you get to better know and understand your sub-personalities,
you can begin to include them in the process of remapping your
self-talk. In this way, you’re exploring the needs of your sub-
personalities the same way you would explore the needs of a
friend, co-worker, etc. This creates a much deeper level of
understanding of what’s really going on inside you.
If you identify self-talk coming from a specific sub-personality,
you can consider how you would talk to that sub-personality if it
was a real person—walk yourself through the steps.
Including your sub-personalities in this re-mapping process
makes the results even more powerful.
Step 5How Would You Rather Talk to Your
Perfectionist Sub-Personality?
A) Damn, you’re such a perfectionist. You’re screwing up our
sleep schedule. I really hate it when you do that. It’s like you have
no respect for my need for sleep. Don’t you ever consider others?
B) I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I feel irritable and
overwhelmed because my body needs rest. You feel that if you
don’t turn in work that’s above and beyond expectations you
might feel rejection and pain. I’m wondering how we can both get
our needs met?
Obviously, “B.” Right? Then how can you begin to communicate
and look for a solution?
…
[Speaking to that part of you] “You have a need for acceptance and
approval. You feel that if you turn in work that’s not above and beyond
expectations that it might result in rejection. But I know this work is
enough as it is. I also know that you are enough. Regardless of what
others’ response may be, I still accept and approve of you 100%.”
For the next seven days journal all instances of negative self-talk
that you catch yourself saying. The more detail you include, the
better. Try to write down the exact messaging. Each night, go
through the five step process outlined in this workbook to re-map
the negative self-talk (use the feelings/needs inventories to help you
get more specific). As you get accustomed to doing this your brain
will begin to do it instantly and you’ll begin to speak to yourself in a
healthier way. You’ll also notice that your communication with
others will begin to improve.
Exercise
Decode Your Cravings
Well Done.