A/n- this is a sad one, sorry. Dear friend, what's on your mind? You don't laugh the way you used to, but I've noticed how you cry. Dear friend, I feel so helpless. I see you sit in silence as you face new pain each day. I feel there's nothing I can do. Dear friend, you are so precious.

Nash Grier; the strongest person I know. My best friend. My love. My everything.

He has always been the best part of my life. Since kindergarten Nash and I have been best friends. It's one of the clearest memories from my childhood. I was sitting by myself in the sandbox crying because a bully took my toy. Nash sits next to me with his clear blue eyes and his wide smile and shares his toys with me. He declared me his best friend and we've been inseparable since then.

I can't say exactly when I realized I was in love with him. But I do know that it was gradual. I've always been interested in both sexes, I have was brazen enough to have 2 dates, a boy and a girl, to my senior prom. But when Nash and I go away to college together I start noticing things about him the way I notice them about someone I'm interested in.

First it was the way his eyes light up whenever he's talking about something he's passionate about. Then it was the adorable way he can't talk without moving his hands. And eventually everything he does interests me and I find myself staring at him, lost in thought about how grateful I am to have him in my life.

Nash has never hinted at being interested in me so I now find myself at an impasse. I can't go back to just thinking about him as my best friend but I'm scared to move forward. The last thing I want to do is fuck up the relationship I have with the most important person in my life.

I'm sitting under a tree, staring off at the rolling hills of California. I have Nash on my mind as always, there are so many new things I want to experience with him. I want to know what it's like to kiss his plump lips, I want to know what it's like to cuddle close to him. I want to know what it's like to have him look at me lustfully, to have him want me. I want to know what it's like to have him not want to take his hands away from my skin.

I feel melancholy because I know Nash, he's not shy about communicating his wants and needs, he's direct. If he wanted me he would have made it known. I rest my head against the tree and I close my eyes, I let out a small sigh as I feel the warm breeze of summer over my skin. The wind rustles the tree and carries the sweet scent of strawberries over to me. There's a strawberry farm not too far from here and if the wind blows just right, I can smell them on campus.

I wonder if I should just be happy with being his best friend. It's not difficult right now, Nash is single and so most of his attention is on me. The last relationship he has, I hadn't noticed him as a potential lover so it wasn't difficult. But I rue the day when Nash shows up with a new girlfriend. How will I be able to survive seeing Nash do everything I want him to do to me with someone else.

We are almost at the end of our first year at college. Nash and I get a lot of attention, it's not too different from high school. But I don't pay any attention to them because my interest is solely on Nash. Nash claims he's too busy for a girlfriend, and I admit he is pretty busy between his classes and extracurriculars but he hasn't even been on a date with anyone.

I want to ask him but at the same time I don't because it would just cement the fact that he's not interested in me. I'm not okay with that, call me a pussy but I don't care. We'll always exist in the possibility, as long as I don't know for certain Nash doesn't look at me that way I can continue to dream that I have a chance.

"Wake up sleepy head," Nash nudges me with his foot and I open my eyes to meet the clear blue ones of my best friend.

"I wasn't sleeping," I tell him as I grab his hand and pull him down next to me.

"The fuck, Cam? I'm hungry, lets go eat." He says and he tries to get up but I stop him.

"Nash, I know you're all ADD right now, but just sit here with me. Lie back and close your eyes. Take a deep breath." I tell him calmly. He listens to me, he usually does and I watch as a smile spreads on his lips. He's experiencing the same calm I am from just taking a moment and finding beauty in nature.

I don't close my eyes again, I just look at Nash and I don't look away. I can't look away. He looks so fucking good with the breeze moving his hair across his forehead and the smile on his face. My heart aches for him. He catches me off guard when he opens his eyes suddenly and sees me staring at him.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." He tells me with a smirk on his face. I tilt my head as I study him, does he know how I feel?

I nonchalantly pull out my phone and take a picture of him. I smirk back when he laughs at me. I love that no matter what, I will always feel comfortable around Nash. Our friendship is so strong and I honestly think it's more than a bromance. He's my soulmate.

"I can't wait to go home," he tells me and looks out at the mountains surrounding our school. "Just me, you and the ocean. It's going to be amazing."

We grew up right by the Pacific Ocean, every summer we spent it at the beach surfing all day. That's our plan for this summer, it's going to be awesome. Right now I have to split Nash's time with the friends he made here, when we're back home, I won't have to.I'm looking forward to having him to myself.

"Let's go to the cafe to eat, I'm starving." He says a little while later and stands up. He holds his hands out and I grab them, he helps pull me up. I hold his hand for a moment longer than usual and when I let go Nash doesn't seem to notice anything different.

We chat as we head over to the cafeteria and I know we're going to be bombarded with attention, especially Nash. We grab our food and find a table in a corner to eat. We usually start by ourselves but people always end up pulling up chairs to hang out. At first it was fun, making new friends but as the year progressed I just grew annoyed with it because I barely had personal time with Nash. Even in our room there's usually a couple people hanging out.

Just as I predicted, we're not even sitting for 5 minutes before people start pulling up chairs. I put on a fake smile, I know Nash can see right through it but everyone else thinks I'm being genuine.

He usually chalks it up to me being annoyed at being interrupted while I eat, but I just want it to be him and I.

"Cameron, hey." A soft voice greets me and I turn in my chair to find Aaron Carpenter standing right behind me. My smile morphs into a genuine one, Aaron is probably the only person apart from Nash that I truly like.

"Pull up a chair, man." I tell him and he glances at Nash before he pulls up a chair next to,me. Nash doesn't hide his distaste for Aaron, he's never minced his words. I don't know why because Aaron is so kind, he's soft spoken. He's not a Neanderthal like some of Nash's friends.

"So what are your plans for summer? "I ask him and he shrugs at me.

"I guess just go home and hang out with my friends, nothing exciting." He tells me.

"Nash and I basically have the same plans." I tell him and Nash looks at us when I say his name. "Just telling him about our plans for the summer."

"Surfing, surfing and what else Cam?" Nash asks with a grin on his face.

"Think you missed surfing there," I laugh with him.

The rest of dinner passes by and I maintain a conversation with Aaron. When I'm walking back to the dorm with Nash he's a little quiet which is unusual for him. He always has something to say.

"What's up Nash?" I ask him and he shrugs.

"I just feel sick, I felt like this earlier and I thought it was just that I was hungry but I still feel crappy." He says and I frown, Nash doesn't usually get sick. I feel his forehead and he's hot.

"You're burning up Nash," I exclaim and I'm worried.

"I'm fine, it's probably just a cold or whatever. It'll go away." He blows it off and we finally reach our room.

"You should just relax tonight, Nash. Take it easy..." I say, he sighs and nods at me. He gets into bed and I sit down next to him. I smooth his hair gently and his eyes flutter shut.

"Do you remember how you used to cuddle me when we were younger? When I would get sick?" He asks me after a few moments and I nod while smiling. I miss those cuddles, as we grew older we just stopped. I guess we just felt the pressure to be like other guys, and other guys don't cuddle.

"Do you think maybe you could do that now?" He asks me and I feel nervous butterflies in my stomach.

"Of course," I reply and I get into bed with him. I pull him into my arms and I start playing with his hair gently. I always loved his hair, he's been keeping it long and I'm not complaining. I get a little brave so I press a soft kiss on his forehead.

He snuggles close to me. "I love you, Cameron. You're like... the most important person in my life. I literally would not know what to do without you."

I wish so much that he loves me romantically but I know he means as a best friend.

There's a knock on the door and I ignore it, I don't want to leave Nash's side but they keep knocking. I groan as I get out of bed and open the door. It's Nash's close friends Nate and Sammy, I refrain from rolling my eyes because I'm kind of friendly with them but I'm annoyed they're here.

"Hey guys Nash isn't feeling well so he went to bed early," I tell them and Sammy frowns.

"He's sick?" He asks me and I nod. "Alright well tell him we stopped by."

I nod again and then close the door. I crawl back into bed with Nash and pull him into my arms again, he's sleeping but I stay awake. I want to enjoy every second of him being in my arms. I doubt when he gets better he'll be cuddly like how he is now.

It's around 1am that I can't hold out anymore and I fall asleep.

Nash seems to recover pretty well in the next few days, luckily just in time for finals. We're both pulling an all nighter in the library, we definitely procrastinated too much so now we're freaking out.

I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee and Nash is on his 4th red bull. We plan to stay up all night, power through our final and then pass out afterwards. Nash places his hand on his heart with a frown on his face.

"What's up?" I ask him and he shrugs.

"My heart is just racing," he says.

"It's probably all the caffeine from those red bulls," I comment as I write some more notes.

"But we do this all the time, I've never felt that before." He tells me and I frown. I study Nash, he seems pale, more pale than usual. His neck looks a little swollen too.

"I think you should go to the student health center after the exam, I'll go with you." I suggest and he thinks about it.

I know he hates going to the doctors but he doesn't look right. He's been getting fatigued pretty easily as well. I thought it was just because he was sick but he doesn't have a fever anymore.

It's probably nothing but you can never be too careful.

"Fine but only if you come with me," he says after a few minutes and I give him a relieved smile.

"I promise." I tell him and he nods at me.

The next morning we take our exams and I walk with him to the health center. He signs in and we wait for his name to be called.

"Nash Grier?" A young woman calls out and he stands up, I stay seated. He grabs my hand and tugs at it with a pout on his face. I can never say no to him so I stand up and follow him back.

The doctor assesses him and excuses himself for a bit. He comes back in a few minutes later.

"I believe you have infectious mononucleosis. It's a virus so we can't treat it, just have to let it run its course. That's why the lymph nodes in your neck are swollen, your body is trying to fight the virus. It's not uncommon for a college student to get it, it's mainly transferred through saliva." The doctor explains. "The virus will run itself out in a few weeks. It's nothing major. Just avoid contact sports until you're all better."

I feel relieved that that's all it was, I always get paranoid when either one of us is sick. The fact that he'll be better by the time we get home makes me feel so much better.

We leave not too long after that. The rest of the semester flies by and soon enough we're in my car and I'm driving us home. Nash is sleeping, he sleeps so much now. We both chalk it up to the mono, the swelling hasn't gone down in his neck either and he gets random night sweats and he still gets fevers too.

We get to his house and I drop him off at his house before heading to mine. My mom smothers me with kisses when I arrive home. I spend some time with her but I'm distracted, my mind is on Nash. I'm worried about him because he doesn't appear to be getting better, I'm scared. The doctor didn't run any tests but he sounded so sure we didn't think to question him.

I miss Nash already and I want to go to his house to hang out even if he's still sick. I get showered and changed and head out to his house.

I let myself in with my keys and I greet his mother, she's sitting in the kitchen.

"Hi Cameron,how are you honey?" She asks me and she stands up to give me a hug.

"I'm not too bad, just checking in on Nash. He's still sick," I comment and she nod.

"We're taking him to the doctor tomorrow to see if maybe the other doctor overlooked something because he should have been better by now," she tells me with a frown on her face.

I had called her as soon as we found out Nash had mono. She worried like a mom would but I promised her I'd take good care of him. And I like to think that I did.

We chit chat for a little while longer and then I head downstairs to Nash's room. When we were freshmen in high school he decided he wanted to turn the family room into his bedroom. It's pretty awesome that he has so much space to work with, plus he decorated it on his own.

He's lying in bed staring blankly at the television and I slide into bed with him. The plus of Nash being sick is that he's still cuddly. He gives me a soft smile and I pull him into my arms.

"How are you feeling?" I ask him softly and he shrugs at me.

"About the same I suppose..." he answers and I feel so bad for him. He's not used to being sick, he's always active and hyper, he hates being so tired that he can't do anything.

"Your mom told me that you're going to the doctors tomorrow. Call me when you're done, I can come over." I tell him and he sticks out his bottom lip in a pout. "What?"

"Can't you sleep over and come with me?" He asks me and he presses his body closer to mine. His arms squeeze my waist and I let out a ragged breath. He's driving me crazy. I wish I could lean in and kiss him but that would just freak him out. He has too much going on right now to worry about my feelings for him.

"Of course I can, I just wasn't sure if you wanted me there since you have your mom to go with you now," I explain and I try not to read too much into the fact that he wants me there. It's just because we're best friends.

"I want you there, I'll always want you there." He tells me quietly and he shifts before burying his face in my neck.

"I'm scared," he says vulnerably and I rub his arms gently.

"It's okay to be scared, b- Nash." I almost called him baby. That would have been so awkward.

"I'm so grateful to have you, Cam. You make everything so much better." He whispers and I dare to press a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"I'll always be here for you, no matter what." I promise and we fall into a comfortable silence after that. Nash's breathing evens out and I know he fell asleep. I'm so nervous for him tomorrow, I just want him to be okay. He has to be okay.

We're sitting in the exam room the next morning. Nash is gripping my hand tightly as we wait for the doctor to come in. I can't enjoy the fact we're holding hands because we're both so scared. I'm trying to hide it from Nash, I don't want to stress him out anymore than he already is but I'm sure he can see it in my eyes.

The doctor finally comes in and he examines Nash. He presses down on Nash's neck and makes Nash jump from the pain.

"Squeeze my hand if you have to," I murmur in his ear and he tightens his grip on my hand.

"I read over the notes from the doctor at your school, if you had mono it should have run its course by now. We'll do some testing to see what's causing your symptoms." He explains and Nash's grip on my hand is so tight it hurts but I don't remove my hand from his.

"So you have any idea what it could be?" Elizabeth asks and we look at the doctor, waiting for his answer.

"Let's do the tests first and then we can talk about diagnosis." He replies vaguely and that answer makes me feel worse.

We head to the hospital so that Nash can have the tests done. They're going to do something called a biopsy just so they can find out what's making his lymph nodes swell up. They don't let us stay with Nash for the tests and when he comes out he looks pale.

"Nash, are you okay?" I ask him and he nods.

"It was just painful, I wish you were there with me." He laments and I give him a comforting hug.

We head back home and they drop me off at my house. My mom knows that Nash is sick so she hasn't said anything about the fact I've barely been at home since we got back. But I know she misses me.

I try to make up for it over the next few days, I spend time with her, I help her with chores and I go grocery shopping.

I miss Nash, not going to lie, I want to see him but I also need to spend time with my family.

I'm lying in the couch with my head on my mom's lap, we're watching a movie. My phone buzzes and I pick it up.

My - cam come over pls

I frown at the message, I haven't seen Nash since he did his tests but we've kept in touch.

Me- what's up?

My - just come over, I need u.

Me- I'm on my way.

I sit up and my mom looks at me with a questioning look on her face.

"Nash wants me to go over," I tell her and she sighs.

"Cameron, I know you guys are best friends but I want to spend time with you too." She says seriously. My mom rarely complains about the amount of time I spend with Nash, normally I would stay but Nash says he needs me. I have to go.

"I know mom, but you know how Nash is when he's sick... and I want to be there for him." I explain and she sighs.

"Just be home for dinner, your father is coming home from his trip and Sierra is coming with her husband." She tells me firmly.

I nod and I stand up, I grab my keys and wallet and head over to Nash's house in my car.

When I walk in I know immediately that something is very, very wrong. Nash's entire family; his 2 brothers, his younger sister and his parents are sitting with him in the living room. Their eyes are red and his mother has her arms wrapped tightly around him.

"What's going on?" I ask and their heads snap to me, I guess they didn't hear me come in. Nash immediately pulls away from his mom and he opens his arms to me. I sit down next to him and he latches on to me right away. He buries his face in my neck and my arms automatically go around him, I start rubbing his back gently as I look at Elizabeth with a confused expression. Nash lifts his legs and drapes them over mine so he's practically sitting side ways on my lap.

I can feel hot tears start to soak my shirt and I'm scared, no I'm terrified about what they're about to tell me.

"Nash has cancer. He has Hodgkin's Lymphoma."

A/n- I know this plot is probably overdone and you guys are most likely tired of it but I'm feeling sad so... a sad story came to my mind. I am posting a chapter of The Art later on today. I might update another one too, not sure. This story will most likely have another part.