Dealing With Difficult Ppl Aegnb
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True or False?
•“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends with mt.
•In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes.
•Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
•China is the fourth largest producer of gas and oil in the world.
•Seven percent of the population are lefties.
•Cockroaches can live for 9 days after their head has been cut off.
•Most lipstick is partially made of fish scales..
•Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
Dealing With Difficult People
Definitions
• Conflict:
A disagreement or clash between ideas, principles, or people
• Collaboration:
A working together; the act of working together with one or more people in order to achieve something
A Process for Driving Collaboration
EvaluationIdentifying and assessing
results9
Conflictor Issue
Option Overview
5
Follow-upMonitoring
Implementation8
ImplementationPutting solutions into
action7
Collaboration 6
Goal DefinitionPicturing the Should Be1
Fact FindingSearching for +/- facts2
Issue DefinitionPrioritizing Problems3
CollaborationRequest4
Characteristics of Successful Team Collaboration
• Timely involvement
• Availability of resources
• Defined plan based on sharing of information
• Culture that encourages cooperation and collaboration
• Effective teamwork and team member cooperation
• Shared values
Collaboration Opportunities
Issue
Expertise
Creativity & Innovation
Experience With Issue
People Power
Values Check
AdditionalResources
Skills
Perspective
Commitment to Collaborate on a Conflict Issue
• Conflict issue
• Collaborative support needed
• Goal definition
• Plan of action
• My personal commitment to the collaboration
The Peacemaking PyramidThe Peacemaking Pyramid
Correct
Dealing with things that are going wrong
Helping things go right
Get out of the box / Obtain a heart of peace
Teach & Communicate
Listen & Learn
Build the Relationship
Build Relationships With Others Who Have Influence
The Choice DiagramThe Choice DiagramSense / Desire
Seeing people as people with needs, cares, worries, fears that
matter like mine
Choice
Honour the Sense
I continue to see them as a person
like myself
Betray the Sense
See others in ways that justify self betrayal. They become an object
of blame
My Heart Goes To War
View of Myself View of Other
Feelings View of World
(Better-than, I-Deserve, Worse-than, Must-be-seen-as)
ISee
TheySee
I Do
They do
Allies Allies
The Anatomy of PeaceThe Arbinger Institute
The Collusion Diagram
View of MyselfView of MyselfSuperiorImportantVirtuous / Right
View of OthersView of OthersInferiorIncapable / IrrelevantFalse / Wrong
FeelingsFeelingsImpatientDisdainfulIndifferent
View of WorldView of WorldCompetitiveTroubledNeeds Me
“Better Than” Way of Seeing
A heart at war needs enemies to justify it’s existence. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it needs peace.
View of MyselfView of MyselfMeritoriousMistreated / VictimUnappreciated
View of OthersView of OthersMistakenMistreatingUngrateful
FeelingsFeelingsEntitledDeprivedResentful
View of WorldView of WorldUnfairUnjustOwes Me
“I-Deserve” Way of Seeing
View of MyselfView of MyselfNeed to be well thought ofFake
View of OthersView of OthersJudgementalThreateningMy Audience
FeelingsFeelingsAnxious / AfraidNeedy / StressedOverwhelmed
View of WorldView of WorldDangerousWatchingJudging me
“Must Be Seen As” Way of Seeing
View of MyselfView of MyselfNot as goodBroken / DeficientFated
View of OthersView of OthersAdvantagedPrivilegedBlessed
FeelingsFeelingsHelplessJealous / BitterDepressed
View of WorldView of WorldHard / DifficultAgainst meIgnoring me
“Worse Than” Way of Seeing
Recovering Inner Clarity and PeaceRecovering Inner Clarity and Peace
• Look for signs of Blame, Justification, Horribilization, Ego, etc.
• Find an out-of-the-box place• Ponder the situation anew (from the out-of-
the-box place)• Act upon what you have discovered; do what
you are feeling you should do.
Questions for ClarityQuestions for Clarity
• What are this person’s or people’s challenges, trials, burdens and pains?
• How am I, or some group of which I am a part, adding to these challenges, trials , burdens and pains?
• In what other ways have I or my group neglected or mistreated this person or group?
• In what ways are my self justification habits obscuring the truth and interfering with potential solutions?
• What am I feeling I should do for this person or group? What could I do to help?
Conflict Reaction Profile
Passive
Assertive
Aggressive
What do I think?
Why do I think that?
What evidence do I have?
My example is…
The evidence shows…
Therefore, I think…
Think
Speak
1-4 seconds for “reflection”
Responding Effectively in Impromptu Situations
CushionCushion Your
ResponseAvoid Using
I hear you saying …
I understand you said…
I appreciate your view on …
That’s an interesting point of view …
But …
However …
Nevertheless …
Evidence Demonstratio
nsDE
FE
AT
S
ExamplesFact
s ExhibitsAnalogi
esTestimonialsStatisti
cs
Doubt
Disagree Agreeably
What do I think?
Why do I think that?
What evidence do I have?
My example is…
The evidence shows…
Therefore, I think…
Think
Speak
1-4 seconds for “reflection”
Cushion
Begin with nothing. Eliminate:- Prejudice- Emotions- Concepts- Opinions
Listen “To” the other person instead of listening “For” something.
Avoid replacing their reality with your own.Resist the temptation to compare their words
with your own experiences.
How to Listen Effectively
• Ask questions for clarification, not just to ask questions.
• You don’t have to respond while the other person is talking.
• Picture what the other person is saying and summarize when the person has finished.
• Picture what “it” is, not what you assume “it” is.• Your goal is to understand the person’s reality
Listening (cont.)
The Conflict CycleThe Conflict Cycle
Event
Interpretation
Emotional Response
Physical Response
Attitude Response
Effect
Conflict Response Scale
Avoid
Avoid
Win-Win ApproachWin-Win Approach
Dictat
e
Dictat
e
Oblige
Oblige
Compro
mise
Compro
mise
Stand O
ur Gro
und
Stand O
ur Gro
und
Collabora
te
Collabora
te
Conflict Resolution Plan
Specific conflict
People involved
Plan of Action
Results expected
Accountability Partner
The Risk of Anger
• Damaging trust
• Impairing judgement
• Diminishing concern for the other parties’ preferences
• Neglecting of one’s own goals
Destructive Emotional Expressions
• Blaming
• Attacking the other person
• Repressing it as long as we can
Healthy Emotional Expressions
• Name the accurate emotion
• Nonjudgmental
• Express in direct, straightforward manner
• Doesn’t blame or attack the other person
• Conveys that others do not cause our feelings
You are simply guiding the other person through the
uncharted territory of current reality.
Workplace Negativity
• How does it show?• What are the causes?• What are the possible solutions?
HTWF Principles
• Don't criticize, condemn or complain. • Give honest and sincere appreciation. • Arouse in the other person an eager want. • Become genuinely interested in other people. • Smile. • Remember that a person's name is to that
person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
HTWF Principles
• Be a good listener. • Talk in terms of the other person's interest. • Make the other person feel important - and
do in sincerely.
Gain Willing Cooperation
• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
• Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "you're wrong.”
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
• Begin in a friendly way. • Get the other person saying "yes, yes"
immediately.
Gain Willing Cooperation
• Let the other person do a great deal of talking. • Let the other person feel that the idea is his or
hers. • Try honestly to see things from the other
person's point of view. • Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas
and desires. • Appeal to their nobler motives.
Gain Willing Cooperation
• Dramatize your ideas. • Throw down a challenge.
• What assumptions am I making that I’m not aware that I’m making that’s giving me my current results?
• What can I now invent or create, that I have not yet invented, that will give me more choices?
Being a “Breath of Fresh Air”
1. Name the Issue. 2. Select a specific example that illustrates the
behaviour or situation you want to change. 3. Describe your emotions about this issue. 4. Clarify what is at stake. 5. Identify your contribution to the problem.
Having Difficult Conversations
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue. 7. Invite your partner to respond. 8. Inquire into your partner’s views. 9. Where are we now? What have we
learned? 10.Make an agreement and determine how you
will hold each other responsible for keeping it.
Difficult Conversations (cont.)
Principles for Maintaining Emotional Control
1. Write down your feelings
2. Share your feelings with someone you trust
3. Count to ten
4. Listen to music
5. Take a break
Talk Through the Issue
• Stop and cool off.
• Talk and listen to each other.
• Find out what you both need.
• Brainstorm solutions.
• Choose the idea you both like best.
• Make a plan and go for it!
Barrier?
Who owns this?
What’s in the way?
When did this begin?
Impact?
How should we address it?
Why is this happening?
Charting Conflict-Based Barriers
Adapt
Keep relationship warm
Listen to values
Act on what we hear
Follow up
Be willing to change
Building Trust through Conflict
Turning Barriers into Opportunities
Positive vs. negative self-talk
Choose your battles
Focus on what we can vs. can’t change
Focus on potential ROI
Go the extra mile.
Be flexible.
See things from the other person’s point of view.
Be empathetic.
Maintaining Positive Conflict Resolution Strategies
Problem Solving Questions
• 1. What is the issue?• 2. What is the root cause?• 3. What are the possible solutions?• 4. What is the best solution?• 5. What is the 1st action I will take?
Summary of Tactics
1. Have a positive attitude2. Meet on mutual ground3. Clearly define and agree on the issue4. Do your homework5. Take an honest inventory of yourself6. Look for shared interest
Summary of Tactics
7. Deal with facts, not emotions8. Be Honest9. Present alternatives and provide evidence10.Be an expert communicator11.End on a good note12.Enjoy the process