1

De-escalation For Foster carers

Handout pack

2

De-escalation

De-escalation: a process of resolving an emotional situation, such as an argument. It prevents the situation from getting worse or becoming physical. What is Verbal De-escalation? Verbal de-escalation, plainly, is calming a person down by talking. When used properly, it can prevent an arguing situation from becoming a physical fight. It can help to diffuse a negative situation. The methods used are strictly non-physical methods. Because of its soothing nature, it is good to use with young people. It can help to defuse arguments. If used, it can give time for a young person and parent/carers to think about a situation and talk about it in a calm emotional state.

When a potentially violent situation threatens to erupt on the spot and no weapon is present, verbal de-escalation is appropriate.

There are two important concepts to keep in mind:

1. Reasoning with an enraged person is not possible. The first and only objective in de-escalation is to reduce the level of arousal so that discussion becomes possible.

2. De-escalation techniques are abnormal. We are driven to fight flight or freeze when scared. However, in de-escalation, we can do none of these. We must appear centered and calm even when we are frightened. Therefore these techniques must be practiced before they are needed so that they can become "second nature.”

Fight or Flight – in relation to conflict situations, we have an in built safety mechanism commonly called “fight or flight” response. It enables us to quickly evaluate a potentially threatening situation and then take whatever action is necessary to stay safe.

3

About Behaviour:

Blunden and Allen (1987) said:

“The term challenging behaviour is used to emphasise the fact that the issue is a challenge to those who provide services, and to the rest of society, not just a problem carried around by the individual.

The challenge is ours to provide effective ways of helping people to behave and express themselves in ways which are acceptable to Society”.

Emerson et al (1987/1995) suggests the following as a definition of severely challenging behaviour

“Severely challenging behaviour refers to behaviour of such an intensity, frequency or duration that the physical safety of a person or others is likely to be placed in serious jeopardy or behaviour which is likely to seriously damage or delay access to and use of ordinary community facilities”.

Challenging behaviours are often extreme versions of quite ordinary behaviour. They challenge because they happen more often, last longer, or have greater intensity than other behaviours.

Our behaviour in any pressure situation is linked to how we feel at the time, tired, fatigued etc. Our attitudes, beliefs and prejudices genetic background, past experiences, family, upbringing and cultural background as well as present circumstances, all influence the way a situation is evaluated and thus responded to.

Fear, triggered by our children's behaviour, is a great indicator of stress within our own parental system. We oftentimes struggle to connect our children's behaviour to their stress and fear because we have such a difficult time seeing it within ourselves.

That which you cannot see in yourself becomes nearly impossible to see in another.

Remember we can experience stress through all of our sensory pathways: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste, temperature and movement. Any of these stress triggers sends our body mind into a state of fear.

If we cannot always identify the roots of our own fear and stress, what makes us any better at identifying?

Fear, triggered by our children's behaviour, is a great indicator of stress within our own parental system. We struggle to connect our children's behaviour to their stress and fear because we have such a difficult time seeing it within ourselves.

That which you cannot see in yourself becomes nearly impossible to see in another.

Remember we can experience stress through all of our sensory pathways: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste, temperature and movement. Any of these stress triggers sends our body mind into a state of fear.

4

If we cannot always identify the roots of our own fear and stress, what makes us any

better at identifying a child/young person’s?

We deal with challenging behaviour everyday but sometimes the behaviour goes beyond what we are used to and we need to develop certain skills and understanding to continue to manage the behaviour with the goal of meeting the foster child’s needs, we need to:

identify challenging behaviour Understand the causes of challenging behaviour Make adjustments that may help to reduce the behaviour Learn how your actions can impact on the behaviour Develop behavioural strategies Demonstrate de-escalation techniques

Assertiveness

There is some correlation between being assertive and de-escalation. You need to get

the balance right, which can be done with time and practice. You need to be assertive

to manage confrontation effectively, so understanding and striving to become

assertive as a foster carer and in all areas of life is very important.

Being Assertive is about:

• Taking responsibility for direct, honest communication,

• Appropriate expression of feelings,

• Making choices and decisions that respect your needs and rights and those of others.

Being able to stand up for yourself, making sure your opinions and feelings are

considered and not allow other people always to have their way. It is not the same as

aggressiveness.

You can be assertive without being rude or forceful. Instead, it is saying clearly what

you expect and insisting that your rights are respected

Behaving Assertively:

5

Expressing yourself confidently

Speaking directly and honestly

Demonstrating respect

Being heard and understood

Being assertive is not necessarily easy, but it is a skill that can be learned. Developing

your assertiveness starts with a good understanding of who you are and a belief in

the value you bring. When you have that, you have the basis of self confidence.

Assertiveness helps to build on that self-confidence and provides many other benefits

for improving your relationships at work and in other areas of your life as well.

In General, Assertive People:

Get to "win-win" more easily – they see the value in their opponent and in his/her position, and can quickly find common ground.

Are better problem solvers – they feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution.

Are less stressed – they know they have personal power and they don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or expected.

Are doers – they get things done because they know they can.

When you act assertively you act fairly and with empathy. The power you use comes

from your self-assurance and not from intimidation or bullying. When you treat others

with such fairness and respect, you get that same treatment in return. You are well

liked and people see you as a leader and someone they want to work with.

Mindset of Assertiveness:

Take responsibility for direct, honest communication,

Appropriate expression of feelings

Making choices and decisions that respect your needs and rights of others

Becoming assertive is developing awareness of what you need, want and also believe

that you have the right to ask for. You treat yourself and your needs with the same

respect and dignity as you’re expected to give to others. Acting assertively is a way of

developing self respect and self worth. There is a two way interaction between self

esteem and assertiveness. You may be surprised that assertive behaviour brings you

a greater response and increased respect from others and this experience in turn

enhances your self-worth. Assertiveness training is essentially training in

communication and social skills. It teaches a way of behaving that aims to achieve a

win-win situation in interpersonal relationships.

Developing Your Assertiveness

6

Some people are naturally more assertive than others. If your disposition tends more

towards being either passive or aggressive, you need to work on the following skills.

Value yourself and your rights

Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires are just as important as everyone else's.

But remember they are not more important than anyone else's, either.

Recognise your rights and protect them.

Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times.

Stop apologizing for everything.

Identify your needs and wants, and ask for them to be satisfied

Don't wait for someone to recognize what you need (you might wait forever!)

Understand that to perform to your full potential, your needs must be met.

Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others' needs in the process.

Acknowledge that people are responsible for their own behaviour

Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for the how people react to your assertive statements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can only control yourself.

As long as you are not violating someone else's needs, then you have the right to say or do what you want.

Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner

Allow yourself to be angry, but always be respectful.

Do say what's on your mind, but do it in a way that protects the other person's feelings.

Control your emotions.

Stand up for yourself and confront people who challenge you and/or your rights.

Receive criticism and compliments positively

Accept compliments graciously.

Allow yourself to make mistakes and ask for help.

Accept feedback positively – be prepared to say you don't agree but do not get defensive or angry.

Learn to say "No" when you need to

Know your limits and what will cause you to feel taken advantage of.

7

Know that you can't do everything or please everyone and learn to be OK with that.

Go with what is right for you.

Suggest an alternative for a win-win solution.

BECOMING ASSERTIVE INVOLVES developing an awareness of what you need and

want and believing that you have the right to ask for what you want. You treat yourself

and your needs with the same respect and dignity as you’re expected to give to others.

Acting assertively is a way of developing self respect and self worth. There is a two-

way interaction between self esteem and assertiveness. You may be surprised that

assertive behaviour brings you a greater response and increased respect from others

and this experience in turn enhances yourself worth. Assertiveness training is

essentially training in communication and social skills. It teaches a way of behaving

that aims to achieve a win-win situation in interpersonal relationships. ALTERNATIVE

BEHAVIOUR STYLES In order to be clear about what assertive communication

involves, it is helpful to describe the alternatives.

Passive or submissive behaviour involves yielding to someone else’s preference

while discounting your own rights and needs. You don’t express your feelings or let

others know what you need. The result is that they remain ignorant of your feelings or

wants (and thus can’t be blamed for not responding to them).

Submissive behaviour also includes feeling guilty – or as if you are imposing – when

you do attempt to ask for what you want. If you give others the message that you’re

not sure you have the right to express your needs or wants, they will tend to discount

them. Some people are submissive because they are overly invested in being “nice”

or “pleasing” to everybody. They may be afraid that the open expression of their needs

will alienate someone on whom they feel dependent. Aggressive behaviour, on the

other hand, may involve communicating in a demanding, abrasive, or even hostile way

with others.

8

Aggressive people, typically, are insensitive to others’ rights and feelings and will

attempt to obtain what they want through coercion or intimidation. Aggressiveness

succeeds by sheer force, creating enemies and conflict along the way. It often puts

others on the defensive, leading them to withdraw or fight back rather than co-operate.

As an alternative to being openly aggressive, many people are passive-aggressive.

Instead of openly confronting an issue, angry aggressive feelings are expressed in a

covert fashion through passive resistance. You’re angry with your boss, so you’re

perpetually late for work. Instead of asking for, of doing something about what you

really want, you perpetually complain or moan about what is lacking.

Passive-aggressive people seldom get what they want because they never get their

message across. Their behaviour tends to leave other people angry, confused and

resentful. A final non-assertive behaviour style is being manipulative. Manipulative

people attempt to get what they want by making others feel sorry for or guilty towards

them. Instead of taking responsibility for meeting their own needs, they play the role

of victim or martyr in an effort to get others to take care of them. When this doesn’t

work, they may become openly angry or feign indifference. Manipulation only works

as long as those at whom it is targeted fail to recognise what is happening. The person

being manipulated may feel confused up to this point; afterwards they become angry

and resentful towards the manipulator. Assertive behaviour, in contrast to the above

described styles, involves asking for what you want (or saying “No”) in a simple, direct

fashion that does not negate, attack, or manipulate anyone else. You communicate

your feelings and needs honestly and directly while maintaining respect and

consideration for others. You stand up for yourself and your rights without apologising

or feeling guilty. In essence, assertiveness involves taking responsibility for getting

your own needs met in a way that preserves the dignity of other people. Others feel

comfortable when you’re assertive because they know where you stand. They respect

you for your honesty and forthrightness. Instead of demanding or commanding, an

assertive statement makes a simple, direct request, such as, “I would really like you

to put your shoes on and get in the car... thank you.”

THERE ARE 3 PARTS TO BE MASTERED IN VERBAL DE-ESCALATION

A. The Carer in Control of Him/her Self

1. Appear calm; centred and self-assured even though you don’t feel it. Relax facial muscles and look confident. Your anxiety can make the client feel anxious and unsafe and that can escalate aggression.

2. Use a modulated, low monotonous tone of voice (our normal tendency is to have a high pitched tight voice when scared).

9

3. If you have time, remove necktie, scarf, hanging jewellery, religious or political symbols before you see the client (not in front of him/her).

4. Do not be defensive-even if the comments or insults are directed at you, they are not about you. Do not defend yourself or anyone else from insults, curses or misconceptions about their roles.

5. Be aware of any resources available for back up. Know that you have the choice to leave, tells the young person to leave or call the police should de-escalation not be effective.

6. Be very respectful even when firmly setting limits or calling for help. The agitated individual is very sensitive to feeling shamed and disrespected. We want him/her to know that it is not necessary to show us that they must be respected. We automatically treat them with dignity and respect.

B. The Physical Stance

1. Never turn your back for any reason.

2. Always be at the same eye level. Encourage the client to be seated, but if he/she needs to stand, you stand up also.

3. Allow extra physical space between you – about four times your usual distance. Anger and agitation fill the extra space between you and your client.

4. Do not stand full front to client. Stand at an angle so you can sidestep away if needed.

5. Do not maintain constant eye contact. Allow the client to break his/her gaze and look away.

6. Do not point or shake your finger.

7. DO NOT smile. This could look like mockery or anxiety.

8. Do not touch – even if some touching is generally culturally appropriate and usual in your setting. Cognitive dysfunction in agitated people allow for easy misinterpretation of physical contact as hostile or threatening.

9. Keep hands out of your pockets, up and available to protect yourself. It also demonstrates non-verbal ally, that you do not have a concealed weapon.

10. Do not argue or try to convince, give choices i.e. empower.

11. Don’t be defensive or judgmental.

12. Don’t be parental, join the resistance: You have a right to feel angry.

10

C. The De-Escalation Discussion

1. Remember that there is no content except trying to calmly bring the level of arousal down to baseline.

2. Do not get loud or try to yell over a screaming person. Wait until he/she takes a breath; then talk. Speak calmly at an average volume.

3. Respond selectively; answer all informational questions no matter how rudely asked, (e.g. "Why do I have to fill out these g-d forms?” This is a real information-seeking question). DO NOT answer abusive questions (e.g. "Why are all foster carers ___?) This question should get no response what so ever.

4. Explain limits and rules in an authoritative, firm, but always respectful tone. Give choices where possible in which both alternatives are safe ones (e.g. would you like to continue our meeting calmly or would you prefer to stop now and continue tomorrow when things can be more relaxed?)

5. Empathize with feelings but not with the behaviour (e.g. "I understand that you have every right to feel angry, but it is not okay for you to threaten me.)

6. Do not solicit how a person is feeling or interpret feelings in an analytic way.

7. Do not argue or try to convince.

8. Wherever possible, tap into the client’s cognitive mode: DO NOT ask "Tell me how you feel. But saying “help me to understand what you are saying to me” - people are not attacking you while they are teaching you what they want you to know.

9. Suggest alternative behaviours where appropriate e.g. "Would you like to take a break and have a drink –if hot (tepid and in a paper cup) or some water?

10. Give the consequences of inappropriate behaviour without threats or anger.

11. Represent external controls as institutional rather than personal.

12. Trust your instincts. If you assess or feel that de-escalation is not working, STOP! You will know within 2 or 3 minutes if it’s beginning to work.

There is nothing magic about talking someone down. You are transferring your sense of calms and genuine interest in what the client wants to tell you, and of respectful, clear limit setting in the hope that the client actually wishes to respond positively to your respectful attention. Do not be a hero and do not try de-escalation when a person has a weapon and is out of control.

THE CONFLICT CYCLE

11

Emotional Arousal / Assault Cycle (Based on Kaplan and Wheeler 1983)

Trigger

Phase

(A)

Escalation

Phase

(B) Crisis

Phase

(C)

Recovery

Phase

(D)

Post-Crisis

Depression

Phase

(E)

Baseline Behaviour

Aggressive / Challenging / Violent Behaviour

(PotentialAdditionalAssaults)

Approximately 90 mins to fully recover.

The Emotional Arousal /Assault Cycle represent a time frame of an aggressive incident which is made up of five stages.

Baseline The assault Cycle is based on the premise that everyone has a baseline or everyday set of behaviors, which are normally non aggressive.

1. The Trigger phase is signified by first movement away from how the child/ young person usually behaves.

2. Escalation Behavior deviates more and more from baseline behavior. Child/young person can become focused on a particular issue or person

3. Crisis The child/young person become increasingly physically, emotionally and psychologically aggressive, impulses increase and direct aggression is a possibility.

4. Recovery The child/young person slowly returns to their own baseline behavior. The child/young person heightened state of physical and psychological arousal can remain a treat for up to ninety minutes due to the level of adrenaline in the blood stream.

5. Post Crisis Depression The child/young person dips below base line.

12

The stages of the conflict cycle or how carers can inadvertently create power struggles

and reinforce a troubled child’s self – fulfilling prophecy.

1. A stressful incident occurs (i.e. frustration, failure) which ACTIVATES a troubled

child’s irrational beliefs (i.e. “nothing good ever happens to me!”)

2. These negative thoughts determine and TRIGGER the child’s feelings

3. The child’s feelings and not their rational forces DRIVE their inappropriate

behavior

4. The child’s inappropriate behavior (shouting, threatening, sarcasm, refusing to

speak) INCITES adults

5. Adults not only pick up on the child’s feelings, but they also frequently MIRROR

their behavior (shout back etc...)

6. This negative adult REACTION increases the child’s stress escalating the

conflict into a self-defeating power struggle

7. Although the child may lose the battle (i.e. they are punished), they win the war.

Their SELF – FULFILLING PROPHECY (i.e. irrational belief) is REINFORCED

and therefore they have no motivation to change or alter their beliefs or

inappropriate behaviours.

13

14

Adrenaline (also called epinephrine), along with noradrenaline (norepinephrine)

and dopamine, are catecholamines (substances containing a dihydroxy phenyl

grouping with the hydroxy groups in adjacent positions). All three are released at some

nerve terminals to act as neurotransmitters, but adrenaline is also found in the adrenal

medulla and in chromaffin cells and can be released from these sites into the

circulating blood to have effects throughout the body. Adrenaline is synthesized in the

adrenal medulla by the methylation of noradrenaline, and both compounds are

released from the gland together. Release of adrenal medullary catecholamines is

caused by stressful stimuli, acting via the sympathetic nervous system in the so-called

flight, fright, and fight phenomenon. Release of adrenaline prepares the individual to

deal with the stress; heart rate and force are increased, blood pressure rises, and

blood flow to the skeletal and cardiac muscles is increased, while blood flow to the

less essential areas (e.g. gut, skin) is decreased. Adrenaline also mobilizes glycogen

energy stores from the liver to increase blood glucose.

Alan W. Cuthbert.

15

Some tips for de-escalation with difficult teens Q: Should I attempt to use verbal de-escalation with a person who has become violent? A: No. Verbal de-escalation should only be used with a person who is not physically violent. Q: What is the most important thing to remember about verbal de-escalation? A: Continuing to argue with a teenager will just make the situation worse. Recommend talking at a later time when both you and the teen have calmed down. Q: What can my teen learn when I use verbal de-escalation? A: Teenagers learn appropriate problem-solving techniques. When you model these skills consistently, your teen is more likely to do so. By modelling this method to your child, you are showing them how to avoid arguments. Q: Where can I use verbal de-escalation? A: You can use it anywhere you go with your teen. You may use it in your home, at school, doctor’s offices or shopping. Q: What is positive body language? A: Positive body language involves the way you stand. Keep your hands relaxed at

your side. Keep your facial expressions neutral. Appear calm and confident.

Dos and Don’ts

DO…

•Remain calm

•Use positive body language

•Take a step back

•Recognize the teenager’s feelings

•Use “I” statements

•Suggest talking about the issue at a later time

DON’T

•Raise your voice

•Continue to argue

•Use negative body language

•Give ultimatums

•Use sarcasm to defuse the situation

16

Verbal de-escalation, plainly, is calming a person down by talking. When used properly, it can prevent an arguing situation from becoming a physical fight. It can help to diffuse a negative situation. The methods used are strictly non-physical methods. Because of its soothing nature, it is good to use with teenagers. It can help to defuse arguments. If used, it can give time for a teen and parent to think about a situation and talk about it in a calm emotional state.

Teenagers like to argue. They enjoy risk-taking behaviours. They also like behaviours that arouse them emotionally. Arguing with a parent meets all of these needs.

Think about the things that you argue with your teenager about. Are the arguments about both big issues and small issues? Every time you argue back, does your teen continue to argue? Does it feel like you are bull fighting with your teen? When they hold up the red flag, do you charge at them and continue arguing? Does it take your teen a short time to become upset with you? Does it happen frequently? Chances are you answered “yes” to many of these questions.

If you feel as though you spent a lot of time arguing with your teen, this is the technique for you! Thankfully, the methods can be used in a variety of places you might find yourself with your teen. Think about the places you might be with your teen. You can use these techniques at home. They can be used in doctor’s offices, stores, or restaurants. Maybe you are at school with your teen and start arguing. These methods can be used just about anywhere that you may go with your teen! As long as you can talk to your teen, you can use this intervention.

By Erica Armbruster University of Pittsburgh

Tools to Help You Stay Calm with Your Difficult Child

17

4 Tools to Help You Stay Calm with Your Difficult Child

What’s one of the keys to avoiding constant fights with your child? Believe it or not, it’s

the same skill that will help you through any crisis situation—your ability to remain

calm. When your child is upset, anxious or angry, keeping your cool is half the battle.

It’s a way for you to put out the fire by throwing water on the flames, rather than fan it

by adding more fuel from your own emotional tank.

The important thing to remember is that all emotions are acceptable, but all behaviours

are not. When we don’t accept our own emotions, we act them out with our kids and

our family members in unhealthy ways.

I understand that staying calm when dealing with kids is much, much easier said than

done—especially when you have a child with destructive behaviours. Knowing you

should be calm doesn’t necessarily translate into being able to do it. But why? We

know the right thing to do, but in the midst of the battle our emotional brain gets stirred

up and we lose sight of our logical brain. When our brain becomes overloaded with

emotion, “reactivity” begins. Reactivity can come in the form of yelling, screaming, and

shutting down, none of which will help you deal with any kids, let alone difficult ones.

As we all know, parenting is a very emotional experience. Our kids and our interactions

with them can trigger our own feelings of helplessness, frustration, confusion, hurt,

disappointment, and rage, to name a few. These feelings can quickly stir us up or

leave us feeling overwhelmed. We are each vulnerable to different situations, and

each “trigger” we have requires us to face ourselves, our limitations, our shame, our

fears, our childhood insecurities, and the less-than-perfect qualities we’d prefer to

keep tucked away.

Our children, just by being kids, can trigger painful emotions in us. Our reaction to

these emotions can cause us to make poor parenting decisions. At those moments

when we are trying to protect ourselves, we don’t necessarily have our children’s best

interests in mind. When stirred up, we often do not speak kindly or calmly to them—

and we often regret it later. Guilt follows. The important thing to remember is that all

emotions are acceptable, but all behaviours are not. When we don’t accept our own

emotions, we act them out with our kids and our family members in unhealthy ways.

When our feelings control us, rather than us being able to control them, we have a

much harder time helping our kids mature and deal with their life. The key is to remain

calm and not respond with a knee-jerk reaction when your child pushes your buttons.

Here are some ways to be a calm parent when dealing with your kids.

18

1) Change your perspective. If you can think differently, you will be less angry at

your child. Our kids can make us annoyed, mad, and frustrated—sometimes on a daily

basis. But remember that most of the time they are acting their age. Our annoyance

is understandable but it isn’t about them, it’s about us. It is about our patience,

tolerance (or lack of it), attitude and outlook. When your child swears at you, it’s hard

to keep this in perspective—your first thought is to feel angry, disappointed and

blaming of his behaviour. In the back of your mind, remember—your child is doing this

because he’s a kid. Your job is to guide him by making sure he takes responsibility

and makes amends.

The developmental task of teens is to experiment with new roles and relationships. It’s

scary and frustrating for us, but this is what is natural for their development. Breaking

rules and testing limits helps kids to learn the laws of sowing and reaping. It helps

them learn from their own experiences. This is natural and normal. Our job is to guide

them to better behaviour by offering them natural consequences, not to blame them

for their behaviour.

I am suggesting that you try not to be mad at them for their developmentally-

appropriate actions—even if those actions are annoying or disappointing. Your

frustration may be about your own lack of patience which is a problem that is yours to

figure out, not theirs.

Finding ways of being less angry at our kids is important. If we take responsibility

for our own feelings and actions, they will be more likely to be able to do the same.

Processing, soothing, anticipating and understanding our own feelings are our job. If

we blame our kids for our feelings and reactions, they will learn to blame others for

their actions and will not learn how to take responsibility for themselves.

19

2) Identify your feelings. When you are about to let off steam, pause and identify

your feelings. Is it irritation, frustration, hurt that’s bothering you? Name it; identify it as

your own. Say to yourself,

“When I see my kid doing X, Y or Z, I feel ____ because I ____.” For example, “When

I see my kid not helping around the house, I feel furious because I feel ineffective as

a parent. I’m scared he will never be responsible and guilty that I have not done my

job.” Then ask yourself what you need to work through within yourself and what proper

feedback you need to give to your child. In other words, be a responsible parent by

processing what belongs to and then decide what guidance you need to give to your

child. In this scenario you might say to yourself, “I need to think about how I can

improve my effectiveness as a parent or else I need to accept that I have done all that

I can. I have to deal with my anxiety about my child’s future and find ways to resolve

my own guilt.”

If we acknowledge and accept our own feelings, we can start doing the work of

soothing them, understanding them, changing them, processing them and releasing

them. Our painful feelings will not spill onto others. It requires us to be mature enough

to embrace the feelings that we keep trying to hide. It is our job as parents to identify

our underlying feelings of fear, inadequacy or shame—or whatever feelings you keep

hoping won’t get triggered. When they do get triggered, notice how tempting it is to

blame those that trigger them. Remember, our kids trigger feelings already within us—

they don’t cause the feeling. It’s our responsibility to work out our own feelings rather

than to blame them on our kids.

3) Pause, breathe, and think. Model for your child how to deal with difficult feelings.

Say to her, “I’m frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths, calm

myself down and figure out how to best deal with this situation. We can talk later.”

When you feel red-hot inside, that’s your internal signal to take some deep breaths

and think how to best and most effectively deal with the situation. Not only are you

calming yourself down, but you are teaching your kids how to do the same. These

tools of pausing, breathing and thinking are effective for a good reason. When you are

physically or emotionally threatened, your adrenaline rises. You might be emotionally

threatened when your child won’t listen to you and you don’t know what to do. The

body reads this as a threat and prepares for “fight or flight” by draining the energy from

your brain and putting it into your muscles. This is why we all end up saying things we

20

later regret—and why it is necessary to use the calming tools of pausing, breathing

and thinking. Without them, you won’t be able to solve the problems you are confronted

with effectively because you won’t have access to the part of the brain that can make

good decisions.

4) Let go of worry and focus on what’s good. Understand that worrying about your

child is a negative act. Worrying also makes your child anxious because he comes to

believe that there is something within him to be worried about. He becomes more

nervous. Yet how do you not worry about a difficult kid who is making poor choices all

the time? Our imagination runs wild with images of all the worst possible

outcomes happening. But it’s important to realize that the more you worry and have

negative images floating around in your brain, the more a neural pathway is formed,

making worry easier and easier. So you worry more, not less. Therefore, try to fill your

imagination with positive outcomes, rather than negative ones. After all, you don’t

know the outcome anyway. Imagining things turning out positively will help you feel

less stressed. When you are less stressed, your brain functions better, you feel better

and you have more of a chance of guiding your child more effectively. Positive thinking

can inadvertently cause a positive outcome. And finally, feeling anger (or any

reactivity) is detrimental to warm, close interactions. Repeated negative interactions

over time can destroy good relationships.

Calm is contagious in a family. If you learn how to be calm, you will create a

calm family. You will also be showing your children how to calm down in any

given situation—an important life skill for everyone to master.

by Debbie Pincus MS LMHC

21

Interesting article by Intractability Project Guy Burgess & Heidi Burgess

Slowing Escalation

One way to avoid the dangers associated with escalation is to limit the extent to which a conflict becomes more intense and severe. Relationships that do not escalate easily are said to be high in stability. Various factors contribute to stability and make some conflicts resistant to escalation.

First, conflict-limiting norms and institutions can limit the severity of conflict. These norms and institutions typically prohibit the use of harsh tactics and point to problem solving as the appropriate way to respond to conflict. Such expectations act as "ceilings on normal behaviour as rules of any competition."

Forums and third-party institutions help members to resolve conflict peacefully rather than appeal to violence. Similarly, legislative bodies, mediation services, and arbitration services all give people a nonviolent and face-saving way to resolve disputes.

Outside actors can also aid in preventive diplomacy, using diplomatic efforts to de-escalate conflicts BEFORE they become violent. Preventive diplomacy measures that aim to prevent conflicts from becoming overly severe include early warning responses and violence prevention options.

Democratisation can help parties to develop nonviolent and just mechanisms for resolving any disputes that arise.

In addition, the fear of escalation can be important in limiting the extent to which conflict escalates out of control. Indeed, conflict is less likely to spiral when people are aware of the potential for such spirals and concerned about the consequences of escalation. At the start of conflict, parties should set limits on how far they will go. They can agree to "cut losses" if the struggle escalates too far, or avoid entering struggles in which entrapment seems likely.

In addition, both sides may make efforts to ensure that conflict does not escalate inadvertently. For example, they may establish rumour control teams or other rapid facts-verification processes to prevent rumours from developing and quickly spreading. They may also utilise escalation-limiting language to ensure that any statements made about their grievances are not unnecessarily provocative.

The establishment of social bonds tends to discourage the use of harsh tactics and reduce the likelihood of escalation. Such bonds include positive attitudes, respect, friendship, kinships, perceived similarity and common group membership. These bonds can counteract any antagonism that arises over the course of conflict. The recognition that one's opponent is a member of a group to which one also belongs produces positive sentiments. And many note that an effective way to combat polarisation is to forge sentimental bonds between two groups by making them feel they are a part of the same larger group. Common membership in crosscutting groups produces "bonds of perceived similarity and common group identity between these individuals." In the most general sense, this is a matter of recognising the common humanity of one's opponents and including them in one's moral scope. This process of humanisation makes it much more difficult to justify the use of heavy violence or aggression, and is therefore a powerful tool in limiting escalation.

22

Critical Incident Reporting Policy and Procedure

Purpose of Critical Incident reporting

The primary purpose of the Critical Incident / Occurrence Reporting process is to provide information that NFA/ Social Work Services require to be able to respond to events and circumstances in a timely, informed, proportionate and consistent manner, both in terms of any immediate considerations arising from the incident and the future development of services and practice to enhance services. Foster carers, Managers, Supervising Social Workers, and children and young people’s social worker must each understand their role and responsibilities and work together to best support and protect the individual child. Please note there are separate forms on which to record accidents and restraints, there exists a risk assessment policy and risk assessment template. Additionally there are a range of policies and procedures for different circumstances (Missing, Child Protection, Child Sexual Abuse etc) Staff and their Managers should familiarise themselves with each different policy and procedure and be aware of their role and responsibility. It is not possible to cover every type of incident in the Critical Incident Reporting Policy and Procedure, therefore to ensure correct practice it is essential that you bring incidents to the attention of your Line Manager and that you carefully, take and record all information and actions.

Definition of Critical Incident (See Appendix One for England and Wales and

Appendix Two for Scotland)

A. Any incident or occurrence which affects/restricts the operation of all or part of

a foster Placement.

B. Any actual or perceived risk of harm or abuse to an individual which may have

been caused by a deficiency in care.

C. Any incident in which a child has suffered an injury of any kind, whether this is

a result of a deliberate act (e.g. Self harm, or an accident).

D Instances where significant behaviours have had to be managed.

E. Any incident where physical restraint has been used.

F. Any incident involving a visit or intervention by the police relating to the fostered

child.

G. Occurrences requiring medical intervention/hospitalisation, including mental

health interventions.

H. Death of a child in foster care.

I. Any incident requiring a notification

23

J. Significant incident: outbreak of a notifiable disease, or fire, or flood.

K. Incident which implies malpractice or which may result in legal action, police

investigation, including Fatal Accident Enquiry.

L. Any incident or occurrence that has/or is likely to attract media interest.

M. Other circumstances may be of sufficient gravity to justify a CIR, and the

determination of these must be by the exercise of judgment on a case-by-case

basis following consultation with the fostered child’s social worker.

N. Involvement or suspected involvement of a child placed with foster parents in sexual exploitation

Reporting and Logging of Critical Incidents

Please note that these procedures do not replace other procedures such as child

protection procedures.

The Foster Carer

To ensure appropriate managerial support and response critical Incidents must be Reported by the foster carer to their Supervising Social Worker or their Manager by telephone as soon as is practicable and certainly on the day of the incident occurring or becoming known. The child’s social worker must be informed as soon as possible. The foster carer must record all the essential facts as soon as it is possible to do so. Also record who they have spoken to, or attempted to speak to, with times.

The Supervising Social Worker

The Supervising Social Worker must ensure that the correct actions have been taken, that the foster carer, (or the NFA) take appropriate action in respect of safeguards and ensure that the correct people have been informed, in writing. The Supervising Social Worker must ensure that the foster carer provides comprehensively all the information that is required, assisting if necessary for example the completion of a restraint form The Supervising Social Worker’s Manager – Line Manager

The Line Manager should ensure all of the above, and ensure notifications to the appropriate Commission and notification to Operations Manager, the QA Director/Safeguarding Committee as appropriate. Managers need to ensure that staff understand the policies and procedures and the need to follow them, so that children and young people get the services and protection they need.

Operations Manager The relevant Operations Manager should receive copies of all notifications and be kept informed of all individual cases, this is to ensure that the Agency maintains an overview of all critical incidents, and can see patterns and trends in critical incidents with the aim of providing timely and effective Agency support.

Registered Manager

24

It is the task of the Registered Manager to ensure the quality and suitability of the Notification which is sent to the appropriate Commission (Ofsted etc) without delay (a copy must be sent to the Operations Manager, Director of Quality Assurance). It is also the Registered Manager’s responsibility to ensure the Notification is kept up to date in line with changes in the original circumstances and crucially that the relevant Commission is kept updated. Please ensure that the Complaints and Allegation Screens are correct completed with clear action, outcomes and ultimately closure.

PLEASE BE AWARE OF, AND ABIDE, BY THE INDIVIDUAL LOCAL

AUTHORITY’S CRITICAL REPORTING PROCEDURE

Appendix One (England and Wales)

Type of Incident

Who to Notify

Forms and

Recording to be completed

Other comments

Any incident

or occurrence

which requires an Ofsted, or

Care Commission notification

Foster carer to

notify Supervising Social Worker and

Child’s Social Worker. Line

Manager/Regional Manager,

Operations Manager and QA

Director to be notified

A Notification to

relevant Commission within

24 hours.

Action plan to be created and kept updated (will also inform any update to original Ofsted/

Care Commission/CSSI

W/ Notification.

Recording to be

updated and kept updated.

Child’s Social

Worker may wish to update care

plan.

Communication

between foster carer SSW & Child’s SW

essential

Check notifications categories of the

respective Commissions. If in doubt SSW should

complete the Notification and Line Manager/Registered Manager must make

the decision in respect of notification

Deficiency in

Care resulting in

harm or abuse

Foster carer to

notify Supervising Social Worker and

Child’s Social Worker.

Possible

notification to relevant

Commission (see comment) within 24

hour time scale.

Foster carer, SSW &

Child’s SW communication is

essential.

CP Procedures to be followed.

25

e.g. where a Section 47 Investion or

Care Standards or a Complaint

Supervising Social Worker to notify Line Manager/

Regional Managers/Operatio

ns Manager.

CP Procedures to be followed

Local Authority Safeguarding

Procedures to be adhered to.

Action plan to be

created.

Recording and AFCR return to

panel.

Comprehensive and factual recording

Foster carer’s

approval needs to be re-assessed.

Check notifications categories of the

respective Commissions. If in doubt SSW should

complete the Notification and Line Manager/Registered Manager must the

decision in respect of notification

Injuries

(including self harm)

and Accidents including medical

intervention and mental

health interventions.

Foster carer to

notify Supervising Social Worker and

Child’s Social Worker. Managers/

Operations Manager should be

notified and involvement

depending on severity.

CP Procedures to

be followed (if appropriate)

Injury and accident form to be completed Relevant

information to Child’s Social

Worker who may wish to update care

plan Care plan

Notification to relevant

Commission (Ofsted etc)

GP, A&E, hospital etc

as appropriate. Local authority will

lead on medical and Psychological interventions

Instances

where significant behaviours

have to be

managed.

E.g restraints

Foster carer to

notify supervising social worker and

child’s social worker. Managers/

Operations Manager should be

notified

Promoting Positive Behaviour Policy to be followed, carers

to have training.

Where appropriate restraints form to

be completed within 24 hours.

Communication

between foster carer SSW & Child’s SW essential and full engagement with

child/young person

Good practice would indicate the need for a

follow up meeting.

26

Risk assessment to be updated

Any serious

incident involving a

visit or

intervention by the police

relating to the

fostered child.

Foster carer to

notify Supervising social worker and child’s

social worker.

Notication to be

Made to the appropriate Care

Commission. Notification form

Copy to QA Director/

Operations Manager. Within 24

hours.

Risk assessment to be

reviewed and follow up work to be planned and actions recorded.

Death of a child in

foster care

Foster carer to notify supervising social worker and

child’s social worker.

Supervising social worker to notify Line

Manager.

CEO, Director of Communications

and Director of QA/ Operations

Manager to be informed

Care Commission to be notified

immediately by telephone.

Notification form Copy to QA

Director/ Operations Manager.

Meeting of the Safeguarding

Committee and investigation as

appropriate.

Follow up actions and accurate recording

essential.

Confidentiality a key consideration.

Significant incident:

outbreak of a notifiable

disease, or fire, or flood

Foster carer to

notify Supervising Social worker and

Child’s Social Worker. Managers/

Operations Manager should be

involved and Director of QA

informed

Care Commission

to be notified immediately by

telephone. Notification form

Copy to QA/ Operations Manager

Notifiable diseases on

system Action plan to created

and followed in full consultation with LA

Any incident

or occurrence

that has/or is

likely to

attract media interest

Foster carer to

notify Supervising Social Worker and

Child’s Social Worker.

Andrew Isaac Director of

Communications to be contacted immediately

Local authority person to be consulted.

Where appropriate Care Commission

to be notified

LA/Director of

Communication/Director of QA/Operations Manager to devise

plan that best safeguards child and

LA and NFA

27

Missing

Foster carer to

notify Supervising Social Worker and

Child’s Social Worker.

Supervising Social Worker to notify Line Manager.

Notification to be

Made to the appropriate care

commission. Notification form

Copy to QA Director/

Operations Manager. Within 24

hours

Follow up actions and

accurate recording essential

Risk assessment to be updated.

A distinction can be

made between absent without authority and

missing.

Where a child going missing is a regular

event, the notification form still needs to be

completed.

Involvement or suspected involvement

of a child placed with

foster parents in

sexual exploitation

(this is now a category for notification on Ofsted

Notifications Form both hard copy and the online)

Foster carer to

notify Supervising Social worker and

Child’s Social Worker.

Supervising Social Worker to notify Line Manager.

Notification to be

Made to the appropriate care

commission. Notification form

Copy to QA Director/

Operations Manager. Within 24

hours

CP Procedures to be

followed e.g clear communication of

concerns, LA organising a Strategy

Meeting

Appendix Two (Scotland)

Notifications

Event To be notified

Scottish Gov

Police Care Insp

Placing LA

LA in which

child is placed

Local Health Authority

Death of child in foster care

Yes No Yes Yes Yes Yes

28

Referral of Scottish Minsters pursuant to S1 of the POC(S) Act 2003 in contact with a child placed in foster care

Yes No Yes Yes No No

Serious Harm or likely serious harm suffered by a child accommodated in Foster Care

No Yes Yes Yes Yes No

Serious Illness or serious accident sustained by a child accommodate in Foster Care

No No Yes Yes No No

Occurrence of notifiable infections disease at the home or involving children accommodated in foster care

No No Yes Yes No Yes

Allegation that a child accommodated in foster care has committed a serious offence.

No Yes No Yes No No

Involvement of a child accommodated in foster care in prostitution

No Yes Yes Yes Yes No

Serious incident necessitating calling the police to the home

No No Yes Yes No No

Absconding by a child accommodated in foster care

No No No Yes No No

Any serious complaint about the Foster Carer or other members of the household

No No Yes No No No

Instigation and outcome of any child protection enquiry for a child accommodated in Foster Care

No No Yes Yes No No

Restrain of a child in Foster Care

No No Yes Yes No No

Serious harm to a foster carer or other member of the household resulting from the action of the child in foster care

No Yes No Yes Yes No

Death of a foster carer or other member of the foster carer’s household

No No Yes Yes Yes No

29

Children Learn

If a child lives with criticism,

He learns to condemn,

If a child lives with hostility,

He learns to fight,

If a child lives with ridicule,

He learns to be shy,

If a child lives with shame,

He learns to feel guilty,

If a child lives with tolerance,

He learns to be patient,

If a child lives with encouragement,

He learns confidence,

If a child lives with praise,

He learns to appreciate,

If a child lives with fairness,

He learns justice,

30

If a child lives with security

He learns to have faith,

If a child lives with approval,

He learns to like himself,

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

He learns to find love in the world.

By Dorothy Law Holte

31

Resources:

De-escalation techniques in Foster care www.youtube.com/watch?v=BL9mF7oCD8c

Autism Spectrum Disorder and De escalation Strategies: A practical guide

By Steve Brown

De escalation Techniques for students with Emotional and Behavioral disorders

https://minds.wisconsin.edu/bitstream/handle/1793/61074/Tara.pdf?

By Tara Hawkinson

From Fear to Love by Bryan Post

CPI (Crisis Prevention Institute) enquiries@crisisprevention.com tel. (UK) 0161 929 9777 (Ireland) 052 38851