Volume VI, Issue II Summer 2013

the journey to freedom

UnwantedPart I of a two-part series

Every year, an estimated 3.4 million men and women are stalked in the United States. Of this number, women rank as the majority of victims—nearly 67%—whose stalkers are almost always someone they know. Three in four victims report that their stalkers are ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, former roommates, co-workers, or acquaintances. Only 10% of all victims are stalked by a stranger.

The U.S. Justice Department defines stalking as “a pattern of repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.” Despite anti-stalking laws in all 50 states and the District of Columbia, the United States still holds the dubious position of number one for more stalking crimes than anywhere else in the world.

Those who are stalked experience relentless violations of privacy and unwanted attention by being continually followed and watched. They are harassed by intrusive phone calls, gifts, emails and other communication, and endure property damage, break-ins and attacks on pets,

friends or family members. While some stalkers eventually give up their obsession and move on to another target, they leave an indelible mark on the victims whose lives they’ve turned upside down.

Those, one might say, are the lucky ones, who might forever look over their

shoulder or bolt out of sleep by the creak of a floorboard at night—but whose stalker is no longer a threat. For others, their stalkers’ obsession only grows bolder

and more dangerous over time, with acts that eventually

culminate in physical violence and murder.

Angela’s StoryThe following account is based on a true story told by the sister of the stalking victim. Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

Angela never had dreams of becoming a celebrity or basking in the limelight of fame and fortune. She grew up a simple girl from the Midwest, content to marry

her high school sweetheart and live an ordinary life in Missouri. But as is often the case, Angela and her husband, Brad, quickly discovered the harsh reality of marriage as teen newlyweds. They argued frequently over money, living paycheck to paycheck, while Brad worked two jobs to support his wife.

Brad had been raised to believe that men should be the breadwinners in the family, so it wasn’t surprising that he discouraged Angela from taking a job, even in light of their financial struggles. When Angela learned she was pregnant six months into their marriage, she was both thrilled and devastated. The pregnancy, she believed, would only put added pressure on Brad who had become increasingly controlling. He no longer wanted Angela to see her mother, who he considered judgmental and overly critical toward Brad. He even limited Angela’s visits with her older sister to once a month. In a strange new routine, Brad began checking his wife’s cell phone every night and monitoring the mileage on her car. Soon, Angela contemplated divorce—something she confided to her sister on a rare visit.

Pregnant and isolated, Angela took long walks during the day while Brad was at work to avoid any accusations about the mileage on her car. She bought a disposable cell phone to keep contact with her mother and sister, and discussed her plans to divorce Brad once the baby was born.

But all of Angela’s plans turned to dust when Brad suffered a serious work accident. With only his disability as income, Brad finally allowed Angela to take a job. Still early in her pregnancy, Angela quickly found work as a receptionist for a company that offered a steady paycheck and insurance benefits.

Angela’s older sister recalls that Brad called his wife incessantly at work, often accusing

P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

Continued on next page

THE VILLA VOICE

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Unwanted continued:

her of having affairs with co-workers. He wrote Angela long, rant-filled letters during the day, calling her profane names and insisting the baby Angela carried wasn’t his. He punched holes in the walls of their house, broke gifts and sentimental tokens, and threatened to maim Angela if she ever left him so that no other man would want her.

When Angela pulled out of the couple’s driveway on an early Tuesday morning—after a night of arguments, accusations and destruction—she headed straight for the courthouse and filed for a protective order. She planned to move in with her mother and work until her due date. Once the baby was born, she would file for a divorce.

But Angela’s plans would never reach fruition. In the last six months of her pregnancy, Angela became the target of deadly obsession by the man who vowed to love and honor her until death do they part.

To be continued.

If you believe your life is in imminent danger, call 911.

• An estimated 3.4 million men and women become victims of stalking every year.

• Stalking is a crime in all 50 states and the District of Columbia and should be reported immediately.

• Unlike other crimes, stalking is not a single, easily identifiable crime but a series of acts, a course of conduct, directed at a specific person that would cause that person fear.

• Women make up 67% of stalking victims. 87% reported that their stalkers were male.

• More than 50% of stalking victims are younger than 30 years old.

• Three in four victims know their stalker.

• Women are three times more likely to be stalked than raped.

• One in seven victims has reported moving because of stalking.

• Nearly 29% of victims believe stalking behavior will never stop.

• One in eight stalking victims reported losing time at work because of stalking incidents.

• 76% of women killed by their intimate partners were stalked by their partners beforehand.

Source: SafeHorizon.org

Stalking Facts – What You Need to Know

Populated with the latest facts and news about domestic violence and human sexual trafficking, DaySpring Villa’s new website offers a one-stop resource for information about our shelter, services, programs, and opportunities for volunteers and benefactors. The website is also now optimized for viewing on smartphones and tablets.

“We are thrilled to offer the public an Internet resource that offers solid information about DaySpring Villa and our efforts to transform the lives of women and children in crisis,” says Wilma Lively, DSV executive director. “Our new website not only provides actionable intelligence about domestic violence and sexual trafficking, but delivers great insight into how DaySpring Villa makes a positive impact on cities and towns throughout Oklahoma.”

To view the new site, visit www.DaySpringVilla.com. We welcome your comments and feedback on our Facebook page and encourage anyone who suspects a family member, friend, neighbor or co-worker of domestic violence to learn more about us. With your help, DaySpring Villa turns victims into survivors every day.

DSV Launches New Website

Scan with your tablet or smartphone to browse the new site.

P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

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Oklahoma’s first real-world solution to transform the lives of human sexual trafficking victims grows closer to reality.

When DaySpring Villa Executive Director Wilma Lively received a phone call on an ordinary Tuesday in May, Phase II of Project Dark 2 Light officially became fully funded. The Phase II goal of $658,610 encompasses new construction and renovation costs to exclusively accommodate trafficked women.

“An anonymous donor pledged $50,000 to help us meet the final leg of our fundraising efforts for Phase II,” Lively says. “I cannot express how thankful we are to live in a state where towns and cities come together like one big community to help women who have risked their lives to escape sexual slavery.”

Fundraising for Phase II of Project Dark 2 Light began little more than a year ago after DaySpring Villa was certified by the Oklahoma Attorney General in April 2012 to provide emergency shelter, food, clothing and specialized services to victims of human sexual trafficking. As the only faith-based, certified domestic violence shelter in Oklahoma, DaySpring Villa

Project Dark 2 Light Reaches Phase II Funding Goalbecame the first shelter in the state to also earn certification to aid trafficked women.

“Once we achieved Phase I certification for Project Dark 2 Light, we reached out to individuals, churches, companies, foundations and other organizations across the state to help us make this program a reality,” Lively says. “As more and more Oklahomans realized that sexual trafficking was occurring right here with our own children and young women, they were quick to lend their financial support.”

To date, the shelter has received 33 trafficking survivors and seven of their children. Because DaySpring Villa receives no government or United Way funding, the shelter relies on financial gifts from caring individuals, companies, foundations and churches of every denomination.

“We are so grateful to those who have told us, ‘This is something I want to be a part of. This is something that affects every community in Oklahoma,’” Lively says. “To all of our donors and those who’ve worked so hard to broadcast our message across the state, we sincerely thank you for supporting Project Dark 2 Light.”

To show your support for Project Dark 2 Light, make a financial gift today to help us transform the lives of women who’ve escaped a life of sexual slavery. To donate online, visit www.DaySpringVilla.com or mail your gift to DaySpring Villa, P.O. Box 1588, Sand Springs, Okla. 74063. To schedule a presentation or tour, call Wilma Lively at 918.245.4075.

THE VILLA VOICE

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“Whether it’s a woman, man or child, domestic violence is one of the most indiscriminate crimes our nation experiences every day.” – Susan Cox, assistant director, DaySpring Villa.

In the 1991 made-for-TV movie, Men Don’t Tell, actors Peter Strauss and Judith Light portray a married couple in the throes of a shockingly violent relationship. Behind the door of their sprawling home in an affluent neighborhood, this financially successful husband and wife reverse the roles of what most consider the usual kind of domestic violence. The movie was the first time audiences had ever witnessed or considered that a woman could be capable of physically, verbally and emotionally abusing a partner she claimed to love.

While studies report that women fall in the majority of domestic violence victims, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that men, too, can just as easily fall victim to an abusive female partner. Most boys learn early on never to strike a woman, no matter how angry they become. They are taught restraint by what they observe between their own parents during heated arguments or occasional disagreements. They grow up believing that “real men” don’t discuss relationship problems outside of the home. They are repelled by the thought being labeled a wimp or victim.

“Like many women who are victims of physical violence, men downplay any suggestions that their romantic partner intentionally hurts them,” says Susan Cox, assistant director of DaySpring Villa. “There is a definite stigma a battered man faces if he tells anyone, so he doesn’t. He doesn’t know where to seek help as most programs are designed for women, but he is also reluctant to seek help as he believes he can remedy the situation on his own.”

The Stories We Never HearDaySpring Villa Director Wilma Lively recalls coming face to face last year with a man who admitted he was abused by his ex-wife. During a presentation at a Rotary Club meeting, Lively described to the group DaySpring Villa’s women and children’s shelter and cited examples of the survivors there who experienced years of spousal or intimate partner abuse. Following the presentation, she was approached by a man in his 50s who had attended the meeting.

“He was obviously a business professional who had listened intently to what I had to say,” Lively says. “And then he told me very quietly that his ex-wife had physically abused him during their marriage. They were no longer together because of her abuse, but what struck me most was his courage to step forward and say, ‘I had this experience. It’s not just women who are victims.’”

The Internet provides a number of anonymous forums for men to tell their stories as victims of abuse without fear of reprisal or compromising their masculinity. On one particular site, a former victim of

female spousal abuse details his journey from victim to survivor.

“Even now, long after the relationship ended, I still have trouble uttering that simple, painful acknowledgement,” one man writes. “I was a battered man. Saying it makes me cringe; makes me feel like a coward. At first, I would switch off whenever I saw a newspaper article or TV report about domestic

The Secret Life of the Abused Husband

P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

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violence because I knew I was about to be subjected to yet another vilification of men and their propensity to beat women, before muttering to myself, ‘Hey, what about guys like me?’

“Let’s get one thing straight. In no way am I denying the problem of battered women or trying to downplay their grief. Violence in a relationship is reprehensible, but the mistake

that’s made is that violence is seen as exclusively male in origin. As a victim, I began to identify with females portrayed on TV, with their downcast, shamed eyes and their cuts, bruises and eye swellings, and smiled wryly to myself when the reporter would inevitably ask, ‘If you were being beaten so regularly, why didn’t you simply leave?’

“I knew the answer to that one. First of all, you live in the hope that your truly beloved will come to her senses and do something about her violent tendencies. And then, of course, there’s the problem of what happens when you do try to leave. In my case, it caused a final flurry of totally out-of-control violence, a string of court appearances, the loss of most of my possessions, the constant redirecting of money to lawyers, and the cold, harsh reality of having to restart my life from scratch. But I came through. I made it. I am a survivor.”

Solutions to Regain Dignity and Rediscover Self-WorthUnlike female victims of domestic violence, men demonstrate markedly different coping skills in an abusive relationship.

First, they often take the stance that they can handle the situation and the physical pain by themselves. After all, being hit, slapped, punched and kicked are not so different than injuries sustained on an athletic playing field.

Second, as the movie title Men Don’t Tell suggests, abused men overwhelmingly keep silent due to embarrassment or ridicule. They also typically face a greater degree of disbelief even if they confide to a friend.

Third, men, by their nature, often escape an unhealthy home life by spending more time away from the situation—staying late at the office or disappearing into the garage or their man-cave—to avoid confrontation by an abusive wife or girlfriend.

For men seeking help from an abusive relationship, DaySpring Villa offers a non-residential program that provides advocacy, resources and services for male abuse victims. The shelter also partners with John 3:16 Mission for just these cases to provide clean, safe, temporary shelter for men until other emergency housing can be located. All services are confidential and create an immediate opportunity to assist men caught in a violent situation.

“For men who are ready to leave their abusers, who believe they and their children could at any time face imminent danger from a violent partner, they have to take the first step to change their situation,” says Susan Cox. “Although DaySpring Villa is a women’s shelter, we are fully aware that men just as easily can become domestic violence victims. We have the services and resources that can assist them in their recovery, but they have to first make the call.”

To learn more about DaySpring Villa’s non-residential program for men, call us at 918.245.4075.

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THE VILLA VOICE

Planning for DaySpring Villa’s Royal Feast and Silent Auction, the shelter’s largest fundraiser of the year, is already well underway, so before you pack up and head out for summer vacation, take a moment and reserve your table or individual tickets today for the October 5 event.

This year promises to be one of the most celebratory fundraisers in DSV history, with Project Dark 2 Light achieving its Phase II goal, and the shelter eager to hear the roar of backhoes and diggers making room for expansion of the facility.

Most importantly, the Royal Feast raises funds for DaySpring Villa’s operations throughout the year, enabling the shelter to provide vital day-to-day services for domestic violence survivors.

This year’s fundraising goal is set at $50,000.

“There’s no question we have a lot to celebrate this year,” says Wilma Lively, executive director of DaySpring Villa. “But it’s important that everyone remembers we receive no government or United Way funding, so our operations rely on the generosity of individuals, companies, foundations and churches of all denominations.”

The 2013 Royal Feast will be held at the Hyatt Regency Hotel, 100 East 2nd Street in Tulsa. The perennial Silent Auction will begin promptly at 6 p.m. with dinner served at 7 p.m. Dress is festive. Expect musical entertainment, a guest testimonial, and food fit for…well, royalty of course.

To reserve your table or individual tickets to the Royal Feast, visit www.DaySpringVilla.com or call DaySpring Villa at 918.245.4075.

Annual Royal Feast Slated for October 5

For women who have escaped a violent relationship, safety is the number one priority for them and their children. But for those whose boyfriends, husbands or intimate partners have been imprisoned for their acts, the fear of reprisal and revenge remains a constant threat.

To combat that threat, the Oklahoma Attorney General’s office launched the Victim Information and Notification Everyday (VINE) program, which provides inmate tracking and protective order data for victims and other concerned citizens of crime, including family members. The service is free and anonymous.

For domestic violence survivors, VINE is a welcome tool that delivers a higher degree of peace of mind by alerting them of any change in the status of their incarcerated abuser. Registered users can be alerted by phone, text message, email or TTY device.

“By providing information on inmate status, we are increasing victim safety,” says Lesley March, chief of the AG’s Victim Services

Unit. “Victims are no longer dependent on the courthouse being open for them to be notified of the release of a potentially dangerous individual. Knowledge many times translates into power, and with

victims of crime it may mean the difference between life and death.”

To register for the VINE service, visit www.vinelink.com or call 877.OK4.VINE.

Oklahoma’s VINE Program a Welcome Tool for Domestic Violence Survivors

P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

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Memorials & HonorariumsIn Honor of the Deacon Body of Westport Baptist Church – Cleveland Ray Earley

In Honor of Traci Earley Ray & Amy Earley

In Honor of Vernonica Grubb’s Birthday Bob & Millie Combs

In Honor of Perrin Grubb’s Birthday Bob & Millie Combs

In Honor of Corbin Grubb’s Birthday Bob & Millie Combs

In Honor of Ariel Grubb’s Birthday Bob & Millie Combs

In Honor of Britton Combs’ Birthday Bob & Millie Combs

In Honor of Kelly Stephenson’s Birthday Ellen Cook

In Honor of Corry Stephenson’s Birthday Ellen Cook

In Honor of Larry Reynolds Susan Reynolds

In Honor of Taylor Riess’ Birthday Robert & Rebecca Riess

In Honor of the 2012 Koinonia Class The Koinonia Class - Olivet Baptist Church

In Honor of Joann Wilson’s Birthday Gary & Donna Dundee

In Honor of Carol Hitchcock’s Birthday Gary & Donna Dundee

In Honor of Barbara Baird’s 70th Birthday Brett A. & Kelly J. Baird Steven D. Argue Evelyn B. Henderson

In Honor of Marjorie Sauer Linda L. Curtis

In Honor of our Granddaughter Maddy Juby’s 18th Birthday Clyde & Debbie Harding

In Honor of Karen Minton The Perfect Touch

In Honor of Debbie Hinch The Perfect Touch

In Honor of the March 20th Wedding of my daughter Wendy to Adam Drunum Linda Curtis

In Honor of our 30th Wedding Anniversary Clyde & Debbie Harding

In Honor of Clyde Harding’s Birthday Debbie Harding

In Honor of Barbara Chappelle Raebel Linda L. Curtis

In Memory of Jane Traw Collier Murdered by her husband on 1/19/1978 Jim & Nora Cook

In Memory of Georgia Dacus Laura Lee

In Memory of Fred Meyer Susan Reynolds

In Memory of Joyce Smith Crusader’s Bible Study Class Parkview Baptist Church of Tulsa

In Memory of Jack Adsit Seekers Class First Baptist Church, Tulsa

In Memory of Louise Poe The Perfect Touch

In Memory of Helen Garrigan Marvin F. & Linda A. Summers

In Memory of Velma Howerton Norma Wheeler

In Memory of Carmen Breeding Robin S. Eubanks

In Memory of Betty Carter Betty Ward’s Class First Baptist Church, Broken Arrow

In Memory of my Grandparents Daisy & Rolla Wood Linda L. Curtis

In Memory of our Parents Walt & Marchicta Horton Lavina Rosemary Horton

In Memory of Kate Ralson In Memory of Helen Denton In Memory of Violet Allshouse Kellyville First Baptist Women’s Class

In Memory of Sue Cook Jarene Robison

In Memory of Florence Kalenda M.M. & Betty Bonham

In Memory of Rev. C.W. Keiningham Bob & Shirley Keiningham

OUR MISSION IS TRANSFORMING LIVES.DaySpring Villa is Oklahoma’s only certified faith-based shelter for domestic violence victims and adult victims of human sexual trafficking. Since 1995, we’ve transformed the lives of more than 6,300 women and children in crisis. Through goals-based programs, spiritual guidance, human compassion, and open hearts and minds, DaySpring Villa turns victims into vibrant survivors. As a non-profit organization, DaySpring Villa receives no United Way or government funding, so our ability to provide these women and children with protective shelter, basic needs, and professional ser-vices relies on financial gifts from caring individuals, corporations, foundations, and churches of every denomination.

Board of Directors

Nora Cook, PresidentDes BennettBill CoodySue FreemanEd HicksEd LunaRon LundinJohn NikkelScott PalmerJarene RobisonPhyllis Zimmerman-WadeJudy White

DaySpring Villa is a not-for-profit 501(c)(3) organization

918.245.4075 DaySpringVilla.com

Follow us on Facebookwww.facebook.com/dayspringvilla

InsideUnwanted 1

DSV Launches New Website 2

Project Dark 2 Light Reaches Phase II Funding Goal 3

The Secret Life of the Abused Husband 4

Royal Feast Slated for October 6

Oklahoma’s VINE Program 6

Memorials & Honorariums 7

Anti-Bullying Brochure 8

DSV Develops Anti-Bullying Brochure for Schools and ChurchesWhy are some people the target of bullies?

How can you stop bullying behavior?

Are you a bully and don’t even know it?

The answers lie in U Have the Power to Build Up or Tear Down, a new DSV brochure focused on middle school students to address the growing menace of bullying in today’s world.

As part of DaySpring Villa’s children’s education program, U Have the Power was created to empower students with knowledge about the act of bullying, ways to stop bullying, and how to reduce the chance of becoming a target.

U Have the Power features useful information about physical, verbal and online bullying, including the facts about bullying and insight into those who bully. The brochure is free of charge and available to individuals, schools or churches by calling DaySpring Villa at 918.245.4075.