Dating for Newbies

8/8/2019 Dating for Newbies

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Foreword

Almost all men, at some point or another, deal with the desire for a relationshipwith a woman. This desire for a relationship is God-given and perfectly natural (Gen2:18, 2:24), but we also must remember the advice Paul gave on the important matter of

dating, marriage, and relationships: It is good for a man not to marry, (1 Cor 7:1), andI wish that all men were as I am [single] (1 Cor 7:7). Of course, if you are readingthis book, perhaps it is too late for such sage wisdom to have a saving impact in your life.That said, this is written for those whose favorite words of God are, It is not good forman to be alone. Perhaps another good verse is, Love your neighbor as yourself.Please bear in mind that this is primarily written for men, especially in the setting of NewTribes Bible Institute.

This is dedicated to all of the beautiful women in my life: Angie, Christina, Danielle,Hannah and Hannah, Joanna, Katie, Kelley, Keri, Lisa, Misty, Renee, and Shelbi andShelby.


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Chapter One

A man chases a woman until she catches him.

~ American proverb

The first step in finding your wife is meeting her, of course. This chapter willdeal with the primary two methods of meeting a woman. Throughout this book, I willuse examples of conversations to model. Blue text is the mans speech, red text is thewomans speech, green text is someone else and italics represents actions.

The Direct Approach

This is the tried-and-true Mark Laver preferred method. In the long run, it saves

hours of frustration, doubt, and anxiety. It is also a great way of breaking the ice withthat cute brunette. Basically, it goes like this:Walk up to her, smiling:

Hey, Im Fred.Shake her hand, not too firmly but not limp either. Try to apply only slightly more

pressure than she does: you arent out to crush her hand, but you dont want her to think

you are a wimp either.

Im Sue.Nice to meet you. Do you have a boyfriend?

She may be embarrassed or frightened at first, but trust me, she will appreciate itlater. It displays all the attributes many girls appreciate so much: strength, boldness,initiative, and of course humor. She may not appreciate the humor at the moment, butthis is about the long-term, right? Most likely she will laugh with you about it within anhour, and then she will have the opportunity to appreciate your wit and charm. One thingto remember is applying it in shotgun. That means using the Direct Approach on quitea few of the attractive ladies, not just one. Of course, if she does have a boyfriend, dropher like fourth-period French,

1especially if he happened to be with her at the time. It is

best to laugh and convince her you were kidding too.

1 Courtesy of Kevin Bertram. Used with permission.


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The Indirect Approach (slow)

This one can work very well at times, but is somewhat more risky than the other.

The whole idea here is scoping out the situation in its entirety before making any moves.This way you can make sure you find a lady who has similar tastes to yours and who isattractive, single, and engaging. The downside is that the lady you have your sights onmay get snatched up before you have a chance. Be sure to hang out with her as much aspossible without being too obvious. Sitting at her table at lunch is good, for example, orhanging out in the lounge with her and her friends. Heres an example of how meetingher may work:Always walk somewhat behind someone in this approach. This way they greet the girl

first and you learn her name that way. This is especially true when you supposedly

should know everyone, such as the second semester when you only know five of the girls

names.

Hi, Sue.She smiles.Hi John Fred.Smile back. If she doesnt smile when she sees you, or avoids you, maybe its time to

designate a new target.

Oh, hi Sue, good to see you.The other downside is you have to listen closely to find her name, and you might

get trapped if you are careless. In the authors experience, girls do not appreciate it whenyou do not know her name, and she knows yours, especially when you have known herfor a few weeks and still dont know her name. Obviously this approach is quite inferiorto the Direct Approach, but feel free to try it if you want.

Of course, some benefits arise from using the Indirect Approach. First, it is saidthat Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. That is only half true:true beauty goes to the bone as well. The most excellent women will be defined byinward beauty of character, which shines outward and has an external beauty all of itsown. Other women may appear to be more comely at the outset, but that quickly fadesand even goes unnoticed when they lack moral quality and maturity. Thus, by bidingyour time, you give yourself the opportunity to find a real gem.

Some girls ask questions such as, Do men go for women with looks or womenwith character? The answer is, briefly, that men want both. It is true that when firstmeeting women, men will probably remember the ones with the most physicalattractiveness. After some time goes by, though, character becomes much moreimportant, and can even overshadow physical appearance. The result is that a somewhatplain girl may appear beautiful, while a relatively attractive one could be somewhatrepulsive. For this reason it is wise to not jump into a relationship too quickly, or youmay find yourself dating a shrew. Just watch out for those girls. Theyll get ya. Theyllget ya.

This indirect approach really does work, too; Jonathan 2 even waited until the lastthree or four weeks of school before making his move. This approach can fool everyone

2 Name changed to protect privacy.


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else, because they might see you as this hardcore single guy, and then, wham; you havea girlfriend and are making wedding plans. Then everyone is going, Woah, I never evensaw it coming! That is ok, it was not their business in the first place.

Female MKs

For whatever reason, many hapless young American guys tend to fall for alluring,shy and sensitive MKs. Although the psychological implications of this trend might beinteresting to study, what is more important to us is how to deal with the results. The firsttrick is getting her attention. This can be difficult at times, because some of these girlshave seen everything. Another danger is being perceived as too aggressive. She may nothave your years of dating experience, and, in fact, may not care about them. How doesone, then, catch her eye without scaring her off? The answer is simple: speak to herheart, in her own language. Try this Portuguese phrase on for size:Voc faz meu corao sorrir.3 (You make my heart smile.)

Of course you would only use Portuguese on a girl from Brazil. Likewise, if she

is from PNG, learn some Pidgin. The best approach is getting her to teach you, after youdiscover her origin. Then, after youve started learning some of the language, get a guyfrom the same country to teach you how to say You make my heart smile in herlanguage. Other suitable words and phrases will be covered in Chapter 3 of this book.Remember that the key is to get her to be your teacher. The best girls really enjoyhelping people out. If she tells you to learn from someone else, that might be a hint togive up and find someone else to pursue. Sometimes persistence can win her over, but becareful, for many of them have large families and many friends who would not thinktwice about breaking both your legs if you go too far.

Bachelors to the Rapture

Occasionally a person might run across this so-called club called Bachelors tothe Rapture. The implication is that these guys are single by choice and wish to remainpure and unsullied by the world of women. They often will [ab]use passages such as 1Corinthians 7 to mean that they are somehow more spiritual and mature and self-restrained because they are single. Perhaps a more accurate term would be Bachelor tillthe Capture. The reality is that he either does not know how to go about finding a girl orsimply has not found the right one. More properly, she has not found him, but when shedoes, any notions of celibacy fly right out the window. After all, in heaven men areneither married nor given in marriage and who wants to miss out? It is probable thatmost, if not all men who claim to be a Bachelor to the Rapture are simply excusingtheir (current) state of singleness, in an effort to rescue their pride.

3 As quoted by Caleb Lindsey to Keyla Schuring.


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Chapter Two

In some ways, building a romantic relationship is like building a fire. If you

put the branches too close together, they will smother and the fire will die.

If the branches are too far apart, they will never have a chance to kindle

and blaze up.

~ Dad

After you meet a girl and initially establish a relationship with her is the time tomove on to the stage of being just friends. This is the time when everyone [else]knows that youre going out together, but, in the interests of sounding mature, you tell allyour friends, Were just good friends. We both really think that if God wants us to betogether, Hell work it out, and we dont want to rush into a relationship. You may haveheard or used some other sort of pious-sounding rubbish. The question remains,however, how to get there? How does one reach that zenith of friendship from which it isall downhill?

Conversation-starters

You will find it critical in developing a relationship with a girl to talk to her. Infact, if you dont talk to her, you will never reach that all-important state of just-friendship even in terms of just being friends. Some guys have trouble talking to girlsthough, mainly because they dont know what to talk about or dont know where to start.

Already mentioned in the first chapter is the direct approach. When correctlyfollowed through, you should already have had the opportunity to talk to her at least afew minutes. Maybe you used the indirect approach, though. If you are afraid ofsomehow offending her, a good way to start a conversation would be to ask her about

classes.Hi, Sue.Hi, Fred, hows it going?Oh, pretty well. Im really liking these new classes, especially Pentateuch. How aboutyou?Classes are awesome! I especially love Hermeneutics, I think Im going to learn a lothere.


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Quite a few benefits will arise from a conversation along these lines. The most obviousone is that girls like spiritual guys (the best girls do), and talking about class is areasonably spiritual activity that isnt too straining. Mega-points here, guys. Then shemight remember you as a dreamy spiritual giant, rather than some stupid MK who cantget over his cool soccer moves.

That brings me to another point. When you are talking to girls, it is best to getthem talking about themselves or whatever subject they enjoy. This gives youinformation you can use later to show her how attentive you are. Dont just sit aroundtalking about yourself all the time unless she prompts it. Strangely enough, if you let herdo most of the talking, she will remember you as an interesting conversationalist ratherthan a bore. Just be sure you are not too closed-mouthed, as you do want her to get toknow you, too. The key is to focus on things shes interested in rather than your owninterests. Even if you do the talking, make sure it is something she has a genuine interestin.

Another good conversation starter is an interesting scar. Not just any scar will do;you have to select one with a good story behind it. Remember that for scars, a long story

(within reason) is better than a succinct explanation. Just saying, Oh, I burned myselfwhen I was little, isnt going to get you anywhere in a hurry. A caution when dealingwith scars is not to be too strange when bringing your scar up. She might think yourea little odd if you just start rolling your pants leg up to show her some gash. The bestscars are somewhere obvious, preferably the arms or face if the scar is not too terriblydisturbing. Also remember that one good scar is better than 20 bad ones. Dont bore herby pointing out every little nick and scrape on the back of your hand.

Time Well Spent

Other than the practical side of just carrying on a conversation with a girl, one ofthe most vital keys to reaching the stage of just friendship is hanging out with her. Ifyou spend a significant amount of time with a girl, people will assume you are justfriends (or more) whether you are or not, and your objective is achieved. An importantthing to remember is to carry on your conversations with her in high-traffic areas toassure maximum coverage of the student body. Good locations might be the stairwell,hallways, the coke room, or in front of the mailboxes. This also gives you a spiritualityfactor because you arent talking to her in some private, secluded area where your actionsmight be called into question.

Another easy way to spend time with her is to sit next to or near her in the dininghall. At a typical meal there will be two or three tables where the single girls are. Findthe one she is sitting at and sit there. Doing so will help you in two ways. First, it is aneasy way to sit next to her without making it too obvious that you are interested in oneparticular girl (if you are worried about that). Then you can get to know her somewhatbettter without worrying about appearing to move too fast. Do not expect her to comeand sit with you over at the single guys' table. If you thought she would, you werewrong. Believe it or not, most women are more reluctant to sit with a bunch of men thanmost men are to sit with a passel of women. Second, this will allow you to becomeacquainted with and break into her circle of friends. If you expect success, it is vital tobecome known and liked by the girls she hangs out withif they do not like you they


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will no doubt make every effort to sabotage your budding relationship. If they do likeyou, getting to know her will become that much easier as they will try to hook you upand give the two of you plenty of chances to be together. Along the same vein, if she hasa brother, you should seek to gain his approval of your relationship, or at least his respectfor you as a man. One former student even said that if a guy did not ask him for

permission to date his sister, he would be sure to get you blacklisted at home. Watch outfor that low-down treacherous type.

Just Friends

Some benefits do arise from being just friends. Some people, for whateverreason, may simply be embarrassed to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, or they may beafraid of commitment. Just friends is reasonably safe: although it is an excellentstaging ground for a deeper relationship, friends are never required to get married. Youcan privately break up with a personnot that you were ever really going out, mindyouand never have your status change publicly! Or, you can start going out with a girl,

but just be good friends. Then, if things dont work out, no harm is done. Just firmly tellyour friends that you were good friends before and that you are still good friends, but thatthe Lord led you to spend less time together, lest sparks fly and you get into a relationshipoutside of His will. Trust me, this is sheer spirituality.

But one says, This is all fine and good, but what if I want to be friends withsomeone, and that is all? I'm tired of this culture where it is impossible to be a friend andno more. Here at NTBI, it is impossible to be a friend and not have things be awkward orhave people talk. Yet do you not know that it is the people that make up the culture?By giving in to it and living in fear of (oh the horrors) someone LIKING you, you areonly perpetuating it. Mistreating people

4and becoming a hermit is not the way to avoid

having someone like you. In the first place, it just will not work, and in the second place,isolating yourself from the body is not biblical. Our sisters in Christ need our supportand encouragement quite apart from a dating relationship, and it is high time the men, theso-called spiritual leaders of NTBI stepped up to their role, showed Christ's love, andstopped acting like you can only talk to a girl if you want to date her.

Believe it or not, it is possible to talk to a girl with other motives than wanting togo out with her. Pipul r r biznes, we say, but women are people too. The fellowship ofthe saints is indeed a key part of the saints, and if you effectively neglect half of the bodyin your fellowship, how is that right? Fellowship with fellow godly men is an extremelyvital part of growth, and it would be wrong (or at least unwise) to spend too much timeexclusively with women, but the opposite extreme of excluding them is also wrong. Theattitude too common among men (and some women) today at NTBI that the only reasonto talk to the ladies is to find a girlfriend is somewhat narrow-minded, not to mentionoutright shallow.

4 The author has been guilty of this.


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Chapter 3

Sooner or later, with some luck and skills, you will move on to going steady

with her: a very serious stage of the relationship. At this point it is very important for herto know how much you love her and care about her. Many guys, though, do notunderstand how to communicate their feelings to women, for women are inscrutable tothem. Neither do they understand women.

Scars, Cars, and Money

When pondering what women want, one might think of the song that goessomething like, Girls dont like boys; girls like cars and money. For guys at NewTribes Bible institute, that basically means you are out of luck in the car department ifyour name is not John Hawkins. Fortunately for us, the best girls are not all vampiricparasites as the song suggests. In fact, most of them will overlook the style of your car aslong as it doesnt resemble a homeless shelter inside. Cans, bottles, and pizza boxessliding around in the floor are not the best way to impress a lady. In the words of onewoman, Dirty car, dirty house, dirty boy. It may perhaps be a commentary on the stateof cars at New Tribes that she is still single, despite her beauty and attractive personality.Just take a minute, clean your car out and vacuum the seats: for one, you would besomewhat unique, and for two, you would make your lady happy. Groovy wheels5 mighthelp, but many women claim they arent attracted to guys by cars and money. The driveris more important than the car, in any case.

If a sweet ride will not impress your lady fair, what will? Here is the secret:chicks dig scars. This is on authority from Ernie Richards himself. To qualify the boldstatement that chicks dig scars, it depends on the scar, and it depends on the girl. Justremember the tips on scar-showing from Chapter 2.

5The author apologizes for lack of further detail on the subject of cars and money, but hasinsufficient resources to conduct further tests. If anyone would be interested in abatingthis problem, future editions could have potentially vital information in this section!


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Flowers and Candy

It is reasonably common knowledge that women are big fans of flowers,especially roses. What is less common knowledge is what type of significance each rosehas. Believe it or not, it does make a difference. Although all roses are basically an

expression of love, you do not give both your sister and your girlfriend the same colorrose. Rather, you should not give them both the same color rose, but you probably do.Red roses, the most common, indicate passionate love and respect. They show you thinkshe is a beauty beyond worth. White roses, often used at weddings, represent purity,innocence, and truth. Indicate close friendship, as of a good friend or sister, with ayellow rose. Some say yellow roses have the negative connotation of jealousy, but that isa somewhat archaic notion. A pink rose, depending on the shade, can show happiness,gratitude, and admiration. A thornless rose represents love at first sight. One might thinkthat more is better when it comes to flowers (and it can be), but a single rose is usuallybest to carry your meaning across, as different floral arrangements have some complexmeanings that are probably beyond the average male readers comprehension.

Most ladies enjoy candy as well, but one must be careful. She might be allergic,or worse, on a diet. Never give candy to a woman on a diet. Never. The one thing worsethan giving candy to a dieting woman (worse than asking her age), is ASKING if she ison a diet. Never, under any circumstances, must you ask her if shes on a diet. Whethershes on one or not, she will assume you think that she needs a diet, and that basicallymeans it is over for you. In which case I have a book to recommend for you written byJoshua Harris calledI Kissed Dating Goodbye.

Singing and Poetry

One near-universal trait of girls is that they like guys with skills. The caveat is ofcourse what kind of skills. Cooking skills are more important than computer hacking ornun chuck skills. Another important skill is singing skills. Very few females can resist aman with a good voice when accompanied by a good personality. Almost every girlenjoys music, but be careful to select the proper genre for her mood, tastes, and occasion.The Scientist by Coldplay is probably not the best song for a wedding. If shescomplaining about your being late for something, refrain from breaking out withResponsibility by MxPx. Still, the right song at the right time is a powerful tool.Please remember, though, that even if your special lady is endeared by your attempts tosing Everything I Do, if you couldnt carry the tune in a hand basket please refrainfrom trying while the rest of us are around. A few excellent love songs to get you started:One Boy, One Girl, Pretty Woman, Everything I Do, Oh Boy, That Thing YouDo.

Most women are thrilled by good poetry. Whether you quote it or write ityourself, you can scarcely go wrong. If quoted, the poem doesnt really even have to beabout love. Eldorado or The Road not Taken will do if you know either well enoughto impress her. Writing poetry is good, but many men do not realize that there is more topoetry than rhyme and verse. Poetic devices work well, too. Try alliteration.Its always nice to see a fine young female face.


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Pick-up Lines

Many people have the mistaken impression that pick-up lines are bad. That is,they are a turn-off for women. That impression is largely false and has developed due toan overuse of poor lines. This has come to the point where pick-up lines are synonymous

with bad taste. Truly though, the properly used line is a powerful asset.One key to using lines is that, ideally, they should be original. At least, theyshould be original to the girl. She might not mind having an old and stale line used onher if it is fresh to her mind. Here are a few good ones:Your eyes take away all my thoughts.6An alternative would be, When I look into your eyes, all my thoughts go away.Your teeth are way too straight for you to ever be a southern aunt.7

If she catches you staring at her, Iwas just basking in the radiance of your beauty.Can I give you a ring sometime?8 This one will leave her confused. A ring, or a phonecall? This uncertainty could very well play into your hands.Or, this is good too: I was just basking in the beauty of your radiance.

That last line is actually backwards, which thought leads into another point. Itdoes not actually matter if the line makes good sense, as long as you include certain keywords. A good phrase includes a comment on one aspect of her, such as her eyes, herhair, her teeth/mouth (careful with this one), her intelligence, etc. It is acceptable tomake a general comment about her beauty, but being specific gives the line more force.Also, for beginners, it is probably best to stick to being specific until you become amaster wordsmith. A good phrase also includes the use of vivid verbs, adjectives, andadverbs. One note of caution is not to get too flamboyant with your use of high-dollarwords, nor to use ones that you do not know. Here is a good phrase to work with:Your eyes [pause here slightly] bring to mind the depth and beauty of brilliantsapphires.For your reference: sapphire = blue, emerald = green. For dark eyes, use black pearls

or simply diamonds. In any case, it is best to expound on this one, and talk about the

rarity of the gem, the difficulty and dangers in finding it, and its immense value. It is

important to start with your eyes, as she will probably blush and look away at this

point. The effect is amazing. Just remember that the key is delivery, delivery, delivery.

Men also sometimes have trouble complimenting girls, even though most womencompliment very easily. On almost any day you could observe how attractive you findher. Use variety, though. If you tell her the same thing continuously, she will begin todoubt your sincerity. Women tend to be insecure about their looks. Therefore, find asingle aspect of her that you can compliment every few days. If she cut, died, combed,grew out, brushed, curled, straightened, permed, or highlighted her hair, say somethingabout that. If she just looks vaguely different, be sure to tell her you like her outfit. Youmay be afraid of saying something and looking foolish, but fret not, neither be anxious.Oh, Sue, I really like your hair today.But I didnt do anything to it.

6 Courtesy of Kevin Bertram.7 Courtesy of Joshua Brower.8 Courtesy of Kevin Bertram.


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Really? Hmm new clothes? (This is the point where you are kicking yourself forbeing wrong. But never fret, the situation is still salvageable.)Scrutinize her here. Make a show of examining her shoes, clothes, lipstick, hair,

fingernails, etc. Just dont embarrass her or do anything inappropriate.

Nope! Same as always.

Wow. You sure? I dunno, I coulda sworn there was something different about youtoday. I guess I just hadnt noticed how nice you look, Sue.An often-overlooked aspect of the female anatomy is the eyebrow. No other part

of her face does the woman spend such time and pain getting it just so, only to have menignore it. Perhaps women would do just as well not to bother plucking, shaving, orwaxing their eyebrows, but that subject is for another book. If you are at a loss for agood compliment, the eyebrows are always a good place to start. Most women do spendsome time on them, meaning that it is actually a part of their face they have some controlover how it looks. Just tell her you like her eyebrows; if she plucks them, then you havecomplimented her on a job well done. If she does not pluck them, you are giving herassurance that she does not need to do so. The caveat to this is that you must not

insinuate either that she does or that she does not pluck her eyebrows. Women tend to besensitive about them. She may or may volunteer information on the subject, but you stickto telling her you like the way they look.

If you have difficulties coming up with original and specific compliments, youmay need to resort to general comments on her beauty and demeanor. Exercise caution,however, as some words can have a negative connotation even when said in the mostpositive light. Take, for example, the simple complimentary phrase, I think you lookcute. Many guys would say that and never think twice about, having sincerelycomplimented the girl on her looks. For some reason, though, many women feel thatcute means cute as a small child or baby. This is a somewhat hypocritical thought thatis nigh-universal among women, as certainly when they refer to a man as cute they arenot thinking of babyish cuteness. Nevertheless, because she might take cute in anegative light, try using other words, such as gorgeous, beautiful, pretty,stunning, attractive. For various reasons, also shy away from calling a girl hot orphat, or touching her arm and making sizzling noises. Please refrain.

As should be clear at this point, women are not impossible to please orunderstand. Remember, though, this chapter is designed with the dating couple in mind.Some suggestions listed here that will endear you to her while dating will have a negativeeffect if she does not know you well. Singing is probably a good example of that. Othersuggestions, such as cleaning your car, are largely universal. Complimenting ladies isalso largely universal. If you can learn the principles expounded up to this chapter, thenperhaps you are ready for the next stage in your relationship.


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Chapter 4

This chapter is dedicated to Kevin Bertram.

After you have been officially dating for about three or four months, 9 it isprobably high time you started planning out your proposal and engagement. Normally

the engagement will last either six or twelve months, but another option is to date forwhole year and have a short engagement period. It does not matter too much how longthe dating period and engagement last, as long as they add up to at least a whole year, andyou have dated for at least four months.

In our present culture and time, all of the suspense and drama has evaporatedfrom the proposal. It is no longer a question of if but when he proposes. In fact,some have even gone so far as to plan the wedding before the proposal! Me genoito!10Brothers, this is not as it should be. The proposal is to be romantic; it should be thesecond happiest day of her life, and a major part of that romance is the element ofsurprise. Yes, certainly, she will be pleased if you propose to her after she picks out herring and you buy it for her. Yet, there is a whole new plane of joy when you catch her offguard and sweep her off her feet. One may object that it is scary and perhaps hazardousproposing while the element of uncertainty exists. Yes, but that is what makes it sopowerful! The girl should be asking in her mind, Will he ask me? I hope so! But what ifits not Gods will for us to be married?!? Not,Hmm, I wonder if hes going to askbefore or after school gets out. Either way, he had better get a move on, cause the

wedding is in July.

Atmosphere

Even if she knows that you will propose, it is still vital that the actual time andway of going about it is a surprise. Most guys understand this and go to great lengths topop the question in a surprising way. The element of surprise is vital, but three otherelements are also key to a good proposal: a romantic atmosphere, a smooth delivery, andan impressive ring.

Part of the atmosphere is the time of day. Basically, you can ask her any time, butyou should probably do it at least after noon. Though sunset is a popular time, sunrise is

9 Mom strongly recommends a longer period, but note the words officially dating. Also, this only applieswhile attending NTBI.10 For the unlearned, that means God forbid.


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that for $3000 a person can get well over a 1.5 carat diamond. You can get all that shewants for about $2000but she does not need to know that, and price tags are tacky.Just be sure to keep the receipt in a safe place, and burn it in the event of a positiveresponse to ensure that she never finds out.

All this talk of pricing and diamond size is very crass. In reality, price, whether

high or low, should not be the primary motivating factor in choosing a ring. Theimportant thing is to get a beautiful ring made with genuine precious metals with a realstone that she will love, not because it cost you seven hundred dollars but because youbought it for her. Who cares if people will think that you paid too little for her ring, theimportant thing is that she likes it, and it is none of their business what you paid for it. Ifshe is fixated on having that perfectly cut stone in an expensive setting, maybe youshould find another girl worth your time and money. Most NTBI students cannot affordan expensive ring, but the author will not be so presumptuous as to define tooexpensive (or too cheap, if there is such a thing). Some things in life have a valuebeyond money, and a high price, or a low price, should not in and of itself be the mostimportant factor in choosing a ring. Charlies grandpa

13told him, There is loads of

money in the world; they print more off every day. But there are only FIVE goldentickets, and there will never be another. Your wife will only get one engagement ring,and will wear it the rest of her life. Choose well.

One final consideration in ring buying is getting it sized. It would be disastrous tosay the least to go through the whole process, and then find her unable to put the ring onbecause you got it too small. Then the young lady is left with an engagement ring shecannot wear, and quite possibly feels like she has fat fingers. A few simpleconsiderations can solve this issue. First, most females will have a ring size between sixand eight. Some say average is 6.5, others say 7. If you do not know, try asking one ofthe female employees to try on a ring for comparison. Another possibility is asking oneof her close friends or a sister, but not her mother. Some men have the luck of dating awoman with poise and foresight who simply volunteer the information outright, or find away to provide the information surreptitiously. If you find this happening to you,immediately start planning your proposal. She will say yes.

Even if you do everything right, it is still possible to receive a negative response,as a number of married (and unmarried) men can confirm. Some men were even turneddown by their wives on the first or second or third proposal. Remember, therefore, thatpersistence is a virtue. If a thing is worth having, it is worth fighting for. A negativeresponse could be a result of any number things, but the primary reason is that theproposal came too soon. It may be that she likes you, and dreams of marrying you, but isa conscientious objector to marrying a man she has not spent at least, say, a year dating.It is somewhat unlikely that she turned you down due to a poorly staged proposal,although of course the possibility should never be ruled out. In general, the purpose of aspecial proposal is not merely to elicit a yes answer, but to make it a special day forher. If she does say no, do not despair; she probably has a reasonable explanation otherthan I just cant marry a guy that has freckles. Instead, attempt to discover the reasonfor her answer, and take any measures needed to rectify the problem. It is indeed

may hope.13 Paraphrase from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, directed by Tim Burton.


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possible that your relationship is not headed toward marriage, but then nobody at NewTribes dates casually, right?

The Father

Of vital importance to any contemplated marriage is permission from the father.No operations should be conducted without first talking to him. Ideally, you will havealready met her father and developed some sort of amicable14 relationship with him.Whether you write a letter or meet him in person, remember that different fathers havedifferent expectations, both in terms of the caliber of man they are looking for and in howthey expect you, as a future son-in-law, to relate to them. Meeting him in person has itsadvantages. For one thing, it is faster in the long run. He may have some questions foryou which you will be able to answer immediately, and he may be more impressed by theman willing to meet him face to face. If you write him, the whole process of gettingpermission could take days or weeks. On the other hand, if you ask him in person and heasks you some hard questions, you may wish you had some time to think and write down

your answer. If her father lives within several hours drive, you should probably meethim in person regardless of your own preference.His questions and readiness to grant you permission will vary largely on two

things: how well you have gotten to know him, and how well you treat his daughter. Ifhe feels that he does not know you well, he may ask a large number of questions,correspond with you at length, or worse, forbid you. Therefore you should make everyeffort to know him well, and make sure he knows how you stand on important issuessuch as women in the kitchen, childrearing, and 1 Corinthians 14:34. He should feelcomfortable allowing his daughter to live with youif you have followed the principlesin this book, he will be quite impressed by the way you behave yourself with her. Onlyafter he gives his permission may you ask her to wed you. 15

For Example

Most young adults are familiar with a large number of great proposal stories.Perhaps you are wondering, though, how our good friend Fred proposed to Sue when thetime came. Since it was winter, Fred ruled out an outdoor proposal of the normal sort.Being a skilled cook, he decided to fix her a scrumptious dinner. Because cooking andserving a nice meal requires considerable labor, he recruited some of his friends, a girl heknew from his MK days and some guys he met at school, to help him out preparing andserving the dinner. He then told Sue that a staff family had invited them to have a formaldinner on a certain night. Really, he knew they would be gone that night, and had alreadygotten special permission to use their house to cook and serve the meal. When buyingthe supplies, Fred made sure the car was in reverse before backing out of the storesparking lot. After that, with his helpers, he set to work preparing the meal. He knew thatshe preferred beef to chicken, but, typical of females, would rather have a salad.Therefore, he made a Caesar salad as an appetizer, followed up by a baked potato, grilled

14 It means friendly.15 In the case of much older women, well after they have left the home, it may not be necessary to ask thefather, but you should still seek his blessing. At the very least, inform him.


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plantains, and steak. That way she would have the salad that she wanted, and he couldhave the steak he wanted. Clearly, Fred is a thinker. For dessert, he made little lemonmeringue pies (her favorite) in custard dishes, knowing that they would both be too full toeat much but also knowing the vital importance of following an excellent meal withdessert. Please note that this meal includes the colors red, green, yellow, orange, and

white: in general meals with a variety in color are more appetizing, healthier, and overallmore attractive. A good rule of thumb when preparing a healthy meal is to prepare acolorful meal.

After making sure everything was in place, Fred got a quick shower, changed intohis nice clothes, and strategically applied just a little cologne. He met her on second floorand escorted her over to the house. The family was not home, of course, but inside theyfound a table with several beautiful tulips in a vase, accented by two tall candles. Shortlya waiter appeared, and brought their drinks. Most of the meal progressed smoothly, withthe servers bringing in food as they were ready for it while leaving them largelyundisturbed. Now earlier, Fred had agonized over when to ask her, before, during, orafter the meal. If he asked her before the meal, and she said no, the rest of the night

would be rather awkward. If she said yes, she probably would hardly taste any of thefood in her excitement. On the other hand, he did not really want to ask her after themeal when he would be quite full. After they had finished the meal, they sat quietlychatting for a while. Finally, during a lull, he slid off his chair, knelt beside her, openedthe ring box, and said, Will you marry me?

It should be noted that although he did a decent job, Fred did make severalmistakes which may have escaped the readers notice. He had told her to come to expecta formal dinner several days early, which was good, although realistically women need aweek to get ready for that sort of thing. One problem was that he thought that formalmeant khaki slacks and a button-up shirt. Maybe in Brazil that would be all right, but incivilized nations, formal means a tie and sports jacket, or a tuxedo. The other majorthing he did wrong was the actual proposal. Will you marry me is good, but it shouldinclude a few preparatory statements, without making the intent obvious. A good lead-inis to reminisce some about your history together, such as how you first met her.Sue, remember when I first asked you out?Hah! How could I forget? You had barely gotten done asking if I had a boyfriend whenyou asked me out to get some coffee with your friends.Yeah, that was fun. I have to admit, I was initially attracted to you because I thoughtyou were a cheerful, beautiful young lady. And I still do. But I have to say, since Ivegotten to know you, I have begun to appreciate your inward character and walk withChrist much more than your external qualities. (Getting more specific here is a risk, asit may embarrass her or put pressure on her in the future.) I have been praying aboutit (This shows spiritual leadership, which will impress her.) and you are thewoman I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Will you marry me?

Now your proposal cannot necessarily be expected to go as planned. You do nothave a writer like Fred does to ensure that your full plan is carried out to fruition. Inaddition, it was easy for Fred to come up with the time and money to execute his plan.You, sadly, do not have the luxury of being a fictional character and are therefore subjectto that natural law, If something can go wrong, it will go wrong. On the other hand,you get to experience the real joy of the actual experience, as well as the precious value


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Chapter 5

Once married, you can be happy, or you can be right.

Many have wondered, What about the wedding and the marriage? The entiresubject of marriage is actually beyond the scope of both the purpose of this book and theauthors experience, but nevertheless, that is what this chapter covers.

The Date

The first part of the wedding that you must plan, is, obviously, the date. Manyyoung men foolishly thing that they can just plan it for any day they have free. Nothingcould be farther from the truth. For one thing, your wedding date is also the date of youranniversaryfor the rest of your life. That means if you plan your wedding in the middleof hunting season, although you might not mind skipping out once or twice, you probably

do not want to forfeit hunting for the rest of your life. Rather, a real man would not wantto skip out on hunting for the rest of his life. Therefore, we can exclude May 3 throughMay 31 (wild turkey, spring), and September through January (deer, bear, various fowl).Fox and raccoon then take you to the end of March. That leaves, for possible weddingdates, all of April, June, July, and August. If you add in fishing season, only April is left.Realistically though a person could probably forego a day or two of fishing in May orJune, which are also excellent months to get married.

Another important detail to think of when choosing a date is to pick one that iseasy to remember. The first of the month is a good date. The last of the month mightwork all right, but then if you forget how many days are in the month it could come andgo before you know it. That leaves April 1, May 1, and June 1 as possible wedding dates.

And, if you think about it, April 1 is a perfectly horrendous day to get married on.

The Wedding

One of the many perks of being born with a Y chromosome is that it is the bridesparents who traditionally pay for the wedding. This usually holds true unless you are inyour thirties and independent. Although there may be a great temptation to elope, doingso could seriously tarnish your relationship with your respective parents. Technically, it


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is your wedding, but mothers-in-law tend to forget that when it is their baby girlinvolved. Of course, if she offers you $5000 to elope,16 take it and run.

Fortunately, you will have to do very little of the actual planning and decision-making yourself. Between your parents and your fianc, you will find that much of theplanning goes by with minimal input needed (or desired) from you. Be careful, though:

do not let them get the impression that you do not care about the plans. If they ask you,even if you do not have an opinion about some particular arraignment, give them ananswer, with authority.Would it be OK if the groomsmen were more casual, or do you think that the groomsmenshould wear suits?No. They should be wearing suits.

Even if you find out that you were wrong, the key is to give input when it isrequested. Just because she asks you what you think does not mean she actually cares,since women frequently talk themselves through an issue. In fact, there is a decentchance that she will continue on in her soliloquy as though you had said nothing.Perhaps the most important thing to remember in all the planning is that this is not

primarily your dayit is hers.

Traveling Tips for Honeymooners

The first thing to remember when planning your honeymoon is to stay insideNorth America and Europe. Exotic locations are fun to visit, but they will be there later.Do you want to remember this time as when you came down with amoebic dysentery,had your reservations misplaced, and were mugged? Any of those may happen incivilized lands, but ask an MK if you do no think they happen more often in third worldcountries.

If you can afford it, one of the best ways to spend this time is on a cruise. On aship, you can visit all of those exotic Caribbean countries in relative safety. Forget thethree-day Carnival cruise to the Bahamas, though. A far superior destination is Alaska.Not only is the scenery more impressive, but also Alaska is simply classier. The peoplespeak English (well) in the ports. In addition, it is manifest that the colder weather wouldbe more conducive to snuggling. Also, on a budget, get an inside stateroom. All of therooms are small, and if you want a view, go to the deck. Unless you are willing to spendan extra $1000 for a balcony, the ocean view is not worth the price.

Some people, unfortunately, have a terribly weak constitution and cannot bear tobe at sea for any length of time. As a United States Marine, the author has neverentertained the possibility of succumbing to any such weakness, but does acknowledgeand will adress the issue. Barring coastal areas, we are left with the choice of either anurban or rural area. Las Vegas has historically been a popular hit among honeymooners.One might object to visiting Sin City, but why? Neither gambling nor drinking, whennot taken to obsession, are demonstrably sinful. What is the difference between spending$100 at some theme park or $100 in a casino, if you enjoy yourself? The answer is ofcourse that casinos have better service, some of the best hotels, and, finally, no one evercame away from a theme park with more money than they went in with. Additionally,

16 True story.


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Las Vegas, being a major tourist destination, has great shopping and all of the sameentertainment possibilities you would find in any other major city.

If going to a rural location, the gamut of possibilities goes from visiting the GrandCanyon to camping and boating in Minnesota to skiing in the Rockies. As alwaysremember to keep her likes and dislikes in mind. Unless she likes hunting and fishing,

this is a very bad time to introduce her to the sport. In any event, nothing is moreunromantic than slimy fish flopping around in the bottom of the boat at 3 am. She mightnot bee too excited about helping you pluck and clean those quail either. Some risks areinvolved in any normal camping trip that the uninitiated should be aware of. Even if theground appears smoother and less rocky, never pitch your tent on low ground when a hillis unavailable. On one occasion, in his more innocent youth, the author, following theadvice of an experienced and older camper, pitched his tent in what turned out to be adried up river bed. When it rained, he and his brothers found themselves floating.Meanwhile the older, experienced (and, as it turns out, comfortably asleep) camper waswarm and dry underneath the camper shell of the truck.17

Whatever you decide, make sure that you are not going somewhere that one or the

other of you will have a hard time enjoying. If one of you grew up in an highlyconservative family, Las Vegas would be a bad idea, for example. To someone who haslived in cities their whole life, a camping trip could be either an amazing experience or aweeklong nightmare. Simply remember that this is the beginning of the rest of your livestogether. Start well.

17 The older, more experienced camper in question would no doubt take issue with some of the precisedetails of this story, but it is, in fact, an entirely accurate representation of what really happened.


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Dating for Newbies

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