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Words & Photos: Andy CoetzeeinTERTAINMENT:

WHERE: Winterton Country Club, KwaZulu-Natal

WHEN: 28-30 September 2012

DRESS CODE: As outrageous as possible

South AfricaHosts SingleSpeed Worlds

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“Death before derailleur!” shouted a hairy-faced Arizona man, with pork-chop sideburns. “Real men ride single speeds!” bellowed a Cockney-accented, lily-white Brit. “Umnqobi!” (meaning ‘the conqueror’) shouted a white South African in Zulu. This was just the start of one of the most festive, funny, and enjoyable world championship events to take place in our wonderful country: the ‘flat earth society of mountain bikers’, as a friend of mine refers to the single-speed fraternity.

So why on earth would anyone want to ride a mountain bike with NO GEARS, when technology in 2012 allows for all kinds of advances to make riding up and down mountains easier? The answer is, “Because we can!”

The qualification criteria to enter this world championship event was 'just arrive and ride', and join in the fun and dress like a ‘single speedster’- whatever that meant to you. The only rule - bikes were limited to one gear. So even if you had gears, the mechanics and organisers would lock the mechanism so you only had one gear.

Also part of the championship was the opportunity to win the right to host the 2013 event, so there was fierce competition amongst the international teams for the privilege of hosting the SSWC2013 in their country.

Some of the challenges that teams had to compete in, over the three-day period, were so bizarre that most onlookers and teams giggled hysterically throughout. For example, the ‘Suig en Spoeg’ (suck and spit) challenge required competitors to use a straw to suck bokdrols (antelope droppings) from one bowl and transfer them to another, in a specified time. They then had to spit the bokdrols as far as possible into the crowd of participants, and the team that spat them the furthest was the winner. Another favourite was the ‘Frozen T-shirt’ competition. Here, teams were given a rock-solid, frozen T-shirt and the team member to put it on first was the winner! I mean, who dreams up something like that? Lastly, teams of two had to ride pillion on a bike for 500 m, drink a quart of beer, swop positions, and ride back to the start.

Ok, ok, onto the more serious issue of riding. As everyone had so much fun the night before, the race only started at 11:00 a.m. - pretty decent of the organisers, don’t you think, as most were suffering from hangovers!

Dressed up in our batty regalia, we assembled at Emseni Camp, at the base of Spionkop and home of the Berg & Bush. A friend of mine had 30 kg of fresh flowers attached to his cycling jersey and lycra cycling shorts, as well as strapped onto his single-speed steed. Borat was there too, along with a host of other extra-terrestrial creatures.

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Whilst waiting for the start, the organiser, Grant Usher (a mischievous and somewhat delusional single speedster), announced that we all needed to leave our bicycles and go to the end of the field for a group photo. Yeah, right! Trustingly, we all left our steeds and ambled over to where the photo shoot was going to happen. The MC spotted a contestant dressed as Braveheart and immediately instructed him to, “Inspire your men, William Wallace!” Well, the poor chap didn’t know the famous words, so he coerced another dude to assist him in reciting that poetic, heart-wrenching speech, after which we all raised our kilts and displayed our rear ends. That really got us fired up!

Then the MC presented us with the option that if anyone wanted a 30-second head start, all they had to do was strip naked and stand in front of the crowds. We had two enthusiastic streakers dash to the front, amidst much jeering and cheering! Eventually, after much fussing and shouting by our very own William Wallace-from-Spionkop, we headed back to where we’d left our valiant steeds, only to find that the organisers had moved them. Confusion and profanity abounded as people milled around searching for their bikes.

Once found, we mounted our steeds and were corralled into a very bumpy ploughed field. Cycling around and around, we waited for the crop-sprayer aircraft to swoop down low and spray us with water - this was very welcome because it was swelteringly hot. Then off we raced down a magnificent technical trail, mostly single track (obviously, it's only single track for single speeds! DUH!), in the wildest of African bush.

At the ‘refreshment stops’ only beer was served in huge plastic cups and each rider had to down a full glass. If you chose not to drink, you were penalised by taking off your front wheel and running around a diversion of 400 m. Both drink stops were well supported by the eager, thirsty riders!

Once at the top of the spectacular single track turn-around point, you were issued with your medal before racing back down Spionkop Mountain to the finish. As befitted a South African-hosted, world-class event, our very own Burry Stander won. The rules of the SSWC state that the winner has to get a compulsory tattoo. You may, of course, choose to have this done on any part of your anatomy, and our incredibly-talented world champion, Burry, had the emblem tattooed on his right shoulder! Whilst riders continued to arrive at the finish, we were served bunny chow, a traditional KZN dish, and the after-party lasted until the early hours of the following morning.

My personal belief is that sport is meant to be fun. And the SSWC2012 most definitely fell into that category, with plenty of hilarity, jokes, and pranks - the result of much ingenious thought put into a world championship event.

Oh, by the way, Italy won the 2013 event, so guess where I am off to next year? •

èRelated articles:• Shuttle Days - A Fun MTB Ride for Everyone (Issue 15, p. 66)• King of the Fort - Schanskop Downhill Challenge 2011 (Issue 13, p. 56)• Ghost Mankele Avalanche Downhill MTB (Issue 13, p. 80)

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