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Remarriage & Blended Families

TABLE OF CONTENTSClick on the study title or article you’d like to see:

Study 1: GOD OF THE SECOND CHANCEArticle 1: Succeeding at Second Marriages

Study 2: FORGING AHEADArticle 2: Dangerous Crossing

Study 3: BLENDING WITH BLESSINGArticle 3: Marrying … with Children

Study 4: BATTLEGROUND AT HOMEArticle 4: My Not-So-Blended Family

Study 5: BECOMING A FAMILYArticle 5: The Stepparent Trap

Study 6: SHARING HOPE AND HELPArticle 6: CT Classic: Becoming a Healing Community

LEADER’S GUIDE

God of the Second Chance

How can we beat the odds for second marriage success?

Redeemer is one of God’s titles, and aren’t we glad! He loves us and gives us second chances in many areas—including marriage.

Unlike in the movies, second marriages aren’t guaranteed to be “happy ever after.” Around 60 percent of second marriages fail. However, Karen L. Maudlin points out in MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP that remarriage is more complicated than first marriages, but with extra TLC, a second marriage can be successful.

How do we move beyond fairy-tale hopes to concrete joy? We say we believe God can do anything, so how do we trust him and act upon that faith? This study will explore these issues.

Lesson #1

Scripture:2 Chronicles 33:10–20; Matthew 14:3–23; Ephesians 5:22–33; Philippians 1:3–11

Based on:“Succeeding at Second Marriages,” by Karen L. Maudlin, MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP, Fall 2001, Vol. 18, No. 3, Page 52

LEADER’S GUIDEGod of the Second Chance

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PART 1Identify the Current Issue

Note to leader: Before the class, provide for each person the article “Succeeding at Second Marriages” from MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP magazine (included at the end of this study).

When we first enter a second marriage, we’re enveloped in the newness, the joy, the relief that someone trusts in us, and that we are loveable after all! Usually the honeymoon stage is grand and expectations are high. We have faith that this time around is a charm, and that with the past behind us, we can walk in victory with this new mate.

The higher our expectations and hopes, the more resounding the pop when our bubble bursts. We can face all kinds of emotions as we discover the reality of second marriages, but the fact is, they still involve at least two fallible humans rebuilding their lives together. With God’s strength, the human spirit can be tough.

Discussion starters:

[Q] What qualities drew you to your mate and led you to trust him or her enough to marry again? What has been the best thing about remarriage?

[Q] What expectations did you have on entering this marriage? In what ways has this second marriage been a joy, and better than you expected?

[Q] What are the toughest things about being remarried? Did you expect these challenges, or did they blindside you?

PART 2Discover the Eternal PrinciplesTeaching point one: God gladly gives us second chances when we ask for them. Since those second chances take place in the parameters of the life we already have, second chances include baggage and ghosts of our past.

Read 2 Chronicles 33:10–20. Manasseh inherited the throne of Judah when he was only 12 years old. But that was old enough to be one wicked ruler. Manasseh flaunted his power by placing idols in the holy places and encouraging his people to worship other gods. The Bible tells us that “Manasseh led Judah and the people of Jerusalem astray, so that they did more evil than the nations the Lord had destroyed before the Israelites” (v. 9).

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But then Manasseh ended up captive, along with his people. This was the turning point in his life. Scriptures tell us he humbled himself before God and sought God’s favor, and God restored him to his kingdom. From that point on, Manasseh was the model follower of God. He removed the idols and destroyed them. Manasseh did everything in his power to lead his people in a godly realm. But the damage of his earlier years had already been done. Though he’d experienced life change and now tried to lead his people to worship God as he did, Manasseh still had to live with the consequences of a nation he’d previously led astray. He could still enjoy the second chance God had given him, but that didn’t mean everything in his kingdom was now perfect.

Like Manasseh, when we leave the old life of a former marriage behind and appreciate the fresh start God has given us, sometimes we still have to deal with the unpleasantness of the old life. That may include an ex-spouse, or challenges with kids who are adjusting to the new marriage, or legal details from the old life. We may even have to deal with baggage we’ve brought with us into this new marriage—or we may need to help a new spouse carry his or her baggage.

But when we get a new start, God doesn’t just leave us to go it alone; he is still with us as we rebuild. He still gives us strength, courage, and grace to deal with the new parameters of life.

[Q] Manasseh’s difficult circumstances led him to call out to God and to seek God’s favor. What difficulties in your life led you to call out to God and to seek his favor?

[Q] As a result of Manasseh’s pleas, God extended his favor and freed Manasseh from his captivity. He not only freed him, but he returned him to the throne. Can you pinpoint a time in your life when you asked God for his favor and forgiveness and had a clear indication that he had granted them? Can you pinpoint a time when God went a step further and gave you blessings or renewal you didn’t dare expect or ask for?

[Q] How do you think the people of Judah responded when Manasseh returned as a changed person? What do you think they said and felt when he started to take away the idols he’d encouraged people to build only years earlier?

[Q] What kind of rebuilding have you had to do in your life after your first marriage? Did you have to take any “idols” or other reminders of your past out of your new marriage? Have you and your partner discussed the sediment from the past?

[Q] Have you ever had a time when fear kept you from conquering something God called you to do? Be specific. What blessings have you missed? What could you have done differently?

[Q] Manasseh zealously served God when he received a second chance. Since God is a redeemer and can use our past to shape our present and future, what kind of blessings can he bring out of the challenges in your second marriage?




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[Q] Manasseh’s own life was changed, and the Scripture tells us that his son, when he became king, was godly and served the Lord. What kind of legacy do you hope to leave from your second marriage to those involved?

Teaching point two: You must find God’s design and purpose in your second marriage.

Read Ephesians 5:22–33. In this Scripture, Paul reminds us of the intimacy and mutual submission that husbands and wives should strive for—a closeness that’s so tight that, as Sally Field’s character reflects in the movie Punchline, we’re not quite sure where one person ends and the other begins. As she says, “I itch, he scratches.”

The biblical concept for this is “becoming one flesh.” Paul encourages us in Ephesians to treat our spouse as part of our own body.

Becoming one flesh doesn’t automatically happen. It’s something we have to work at. When a first marriage doesn’t work out, sometimes we have to work harder in the second marriage to discover God’s purpose for calling us together. As we become one, we illustrate Christ’s intimacy with the church.

[Q] Karen Maudlin points out that second marriages are strongest when the couple’s spiritual life in Christ is strong and nurtured regularly. How can couples encourage and help each other to keep their own spiritual lives strong? How can couples become one spiritually?

[Q] What are the challenges couples face in this realm in second marriages that perhaps they don’t face in first marriages? What are the common hindrances that arise in remarriage after a couple has been married for a while?

[Q] Has anything in your second marriage slowed down the process of becoming one with your spouse? What have you done to tighten your relationship?

[Q] What drew you to your spouse when you met him or her? In what ways do you think this person enhances your life emotionally and spiritually? What do you think God might be able to do through the two of you together better than through one of you alone?

Teaching point three: Find time to be alone with God to pray and ponder, so you can adjust your minds and emotions to new life situations.

Read Matthew 14:3–23. Wherever Jesus went, crowds followed him, pressing from all sides. But Scripture also indicates that at times, Jesus left the people to get alone and take care of his own needs. The account in Matthew 14 was one of those times. John the Baptist, Jesus’ cousin, had been beheaded. That evening Jesus got away from everyone to be alone and pray and probably to process his own emotions.




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Scripture repeatedly encourages us to take our cares to God. We’re not bothering him—he wants to hear about it. He wants to make his strength and grace available to us when we’re processing tough emotional stuff.

[Q] What kinds of feelings do you think Jesus had to process when he learned about John’s death? Why does it help us to withdraw from people for a while when the going gets tough?

[Q] In Karen Maudlin’s article, she mentions one woman who, in her second marriage, had to have time alone to ponder and pray about “negative feelings about the cumbersomeness of the relationships” in this new role. Have you ever experienced negative feelings about any of the people who’ve entered your life through remarriage—perhaps your spouse’s children? Or parents? Or exes? How should a person deal with these situations? How can prayer help?

[Q] When you’re experiencing these negative feelings about other people, should you express them to your spouse? Why or why not?

[Q] The woman in this article also mentioned writing her thoughts and feelings in a journal. How can a journal help us when we’re facing tough points in a remarriage? Can writing our prayers also be beneficial?

Teaching point four: When working on a second marriage, give your mate privacy, respect, and support.

Read Philippians 1:3–11. In this Scripture, Paul talks about his partnership with the Philippian Christians—they worked together to reach the unbelievers in the region of Philippi. However, Paul was in Philippi with these men and women only once or twice. He didn’t feel he had to be on site, in control of what they were doing. Instead, he supported them. He realized that God was the authority over the Christian leaders in Philippi. He felt God had started a good work in these believers’ lives, and was confident that God would continue that work. In verses 9–10, he told the believers: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.”

What a wonderful attitude for us to have towards a mate! If the one we love is a follower of Jesus Christ, then God is creating a good work in his or her life. Although we work towards becoming one with our spouse, God is still working in each of our lives. When a spouse is dealing with a situation, there’s a time to step in and advise, but there’s also a time to respect your spouse’s individuality and privacy and to give him or her space. There’s a time to give that spouse silent support as he or she works through situations, such as parenting issues or ex-problems.

Paul trusted the discernment of the believers in Philippi. Likewise, at times we have to trust our mate’s discernment. We need to pray for our spouse and then support his or her decisions.




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[Q] People who have lived through failed marriages often have challenges trusting again. Sometimes those trust issues don’t show up right away in the new marriage. In what ways have you or your spouse had problems trusting again after the first marriage failed? Did you realize this going into the new marriage, or did some event bring this to light? How have you dealt with this?

[Q] Paul had learned to step back and let God work in other believers’ lives. Do you ever have a hard time stepping back and letting your spouse do what he or she thinks is best—whether or not you agree? How can a spouse know when to step in and when to stay out?

[Q] When you’re dealing with issues, do you like to have space? Or do you like to talk through your challenges with someone? What tends to be your spouse’s preference? What are some ways you can support your spouse when he or she is facing tough stuff?

PART 3Apply Your Findings

When we enter a second marriage, though it may not be like the first marriage, it will still have its own set of problems. Instead of letting those challenges tear us apart, we can look to God and use those issues to draw us closer to each other and make us more effective for God.

[Q] How can we use our challenges to help us grow closer together?

[Q] What things can we do to help us grow closer together spiritually?

[Q] What strategies have you used to weather the storms and temptations that second marriages face?

Optional Activities:

1. If you’re not already doing so, plan a weekly date night. If you’re at a stage where you can’t afford both a babysitter and a night out, hire the babysitter and enjoy a night in together.

2. Each person can create a timeline showing the important events—including emotional points—in your lives. Talk about the points on your timelines.

3. Start praying together each day and create some spiritual goals for yourselves individually, as a couple, and as a family.

—Study prepared by Jeanette Gardner Littleton, a freelance writer and editor, and a second wife.




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Additional Resources ChristianBibleStudies.com

-Learning to Appreciate Our Spouse-Faith as the Marriage Glue-Glorify God Together: Marriage with Purpose-When Money Comes Between Us-Marriage and Opposite-Sex Friends-Sex and the Christian Couple-When It’s Hard to Love-Successful Relationships Course

MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP Magazine

Couples’ Devotional Bible (Zondervan Corp., 2000; ISBN 0310908736)

The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman (Moody Press, 1992; ISBN 1881273156)

For Better, For Worse: Devotional Thoughts for Married Couples, Marlene Bagnull (Christian Publications, 2004; ISBN 0889652147)

Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts: Eight Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Remarry, Les Parrott (Zondervan Corp., 2001; ISBN 0310207487)

Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts Workbook for Men: Eight Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Remarry, Les Parrott (Zondervan Corp., 2001; ISBN 0310240549)

Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts Workbook for Women: Eight Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Remarry, Les Parrott (Zondervan Corp., 2001; ISBN 0310240557)

Surprised by Remarriage, Ginger Kolbaba (Baker, 2006; ISBN 0800759141)



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ARTICLE

Succeeding at Second MarriagesRemarriages are more complicated and at-risk than first marriages. Here's what you need to know to make it work.

By Karen L. Maudlin, for the study “God of the Second Chance”

Couples entering a second marriage are often seen as lugging too much baggage to make a success of their next go-round. This assumes, however, that people can come into any relationship without baggage, or a history that impacts the relationship—an assumption that is, of course, untrue. Childhood, previous relationships, even relationships with siblings and friends over the course of life all impact spouse selection and the relationship that ensues from there onward.

Second marriages are by nature more complicated and more at-risk for divorce than first marriages (over 60 percent divorce rate, compared to around 50 percent for first-time marriages). Yet it’s also clear that remarriages need the same strong and consistent nurturing as first marriages. No matter what your stage of life or circumstance, with some extra TLC and effective communication, your second marriage can succeed.

Remarriage with Young ChildrenFamily life with small children is one of the most stressful times in any

marriage, due to the never-ending physical demands of small children. Consequently, remarriage at this time of life is a challenge.

Sandy* and Bill have four children between them. Bill has two girls, ages ten and six, and Sandy has twin boys, age five. Bill’s kids live primarily with their mother, but come for visits every Wednesday and every other weekend. The six-year-old and twins get along pretty well, but the ten-year-old goes between feeling in charge and feeling left out of the group dynamic.

“It’s just so hard to have to discuss everything,” sighs Sandy in one session.

Bill and Sandy came in for a consultation to clarify family expectations, unify family rules, set-up their family’s structure, and deal with the negative impact of their ex-spouses on their relationship. Much marriage time, at this stage of any couple’s life, is devoted to parenting issues. For the remarried couple, the



ARTICLESucceeding at Second Marriages

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attention to four-parent, four-personality decision-making can make planning holidays, birthdays, and school-performance attendance an even greater challenge.

After laying out a number of strategies to deal with the parenting issues cooperatively, we turn to the marriage. “What are the aspects of Sandy that drew you to her?” I ask Bill.

“Her spiritual center in Christ, her love for not only her own, but for my children, and her commitment to making our family great,” he says. Sandy beams.

Second marriages at this stage are strongest when the spiritual life in Christ between the couple is strong and nurtured regularly. These two know that God called them together after both their marriages ended (for “biblical divorce” reasons). They try to keep the knowledge that God has given them a second chance at a Christian marriage at the forefront when the aggravation from being a blended family surfaces.

When I ask when the last time they had a special date night was, the conversation stops dead. “Too long to remember,” Bill offers.

Second marriages with children require weekly date nights and at least one weekend getaway a year to stay healthy. While this advice is good for first marriages, second marriages like these start with all the responsibilities of parenthood and step-parenthood attached. Time away from kids and talk of kids is vital to deepening the foundation of the couple.

Remarriage with AdolescentsMark and Susan married when Mark’s girls were thirteen and eleven years old.

The girls lived with Mark’s ex-wife; however, they spent summers and every other weekend with Mark and Susan. This was Susan’s first marriage, and she had no children. Mark had been divorced for nine years before remarrying. They had met at a church singles event. Looking back ten years later, here’s what they’ve learned.

“In the beginning we tried to have the same rules in both households for the most part,” Susan remembers. “This changed in adolescence, with rules related to having boys over. We didn’t know the boys well or their parents, so we were more protective.”

Bill, as the biological parent, was the more strict of the two, which actually freed Susan to develop a friendly relationship with the girls at first. When the step-parent is thrown into being a disciplinarian right away, sparks fly for everyone. It is too much of a strain to begin a trust relationship with a lot of disciplinary responsibilities. It helps if the biological parent takes the lead with his or her own




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children and gradually, over a one- to three-year period, eases the other parent into a role where he or she feels comfortable disciplining. Bill included Susan in decision-making about the kids from the beginning, but took the lead on the implementation. This allowed the kids time to develop a relationship and gave Susan the status and involvement in parenting decisions for the kids.

But discipline isn’t the only area that needs caution. “It is very important as a step-parent not to try to outdo your spouse’s ex,” Susan says. “We had more financial resources than the girls’ mom since we were both working. I made a mistake once by buying a really nice gift for the girls. I noticed them explaining to their mom that it was not only from me but from some other relatives on my side. I realized that the gift had made them and their mother uncomfortable.”

In addition, it helps if the step-parent can empathize with what it’s like for the kids in the situation. Susan reports: “It was hard to know how difficult it was for them—and for us—to have them with us on weekends and vacations. Visitation schedules disrupt their time with friends and our time together as a couple. I felt God wanting me to spend time alone in prayer and to journal about this to work through my negative feelings about the cumbersomeness of the relationships. Then I said to the girls, ‘I so appreciate you guys taking time out every other weekend to spend time with us, because I’m sure there are times when you want to have a sleepover with friends and can’t, so we appreciate it.’ Both of these actions seemed to smooth the relationships a lot.”

Living arrangements can also cause headaches. Couples in second marriages often do not realize the psychological impingement that can accompany the house of the first marriage.

Because Bill lived in the house where his children grew up, it seemed natural for Susan to move in after they were married. The mortgage was low, the kids were comfortable in the house; it seemed to be the perfect solution. But Bill and the kids had memories that predated the new marriage. So when Susan wanted to update and decorate the house to suit her tastes and style, she met with resistance, and it became clear that it was Bill’s house. These two factors conspired to leave Susan feeling left out and uncomfortable in her own home. Over time, the two discussed it and moved to a new home with joint ownership where they both felt freer to create their own style as a couple. By this time, the kids were grown and on their own, and it became an adventure for the whole family.

These efforts paid off for Susan. The girls, now women in their twenties, seek her counsel and companionship often.




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Remarriage with the Empty NestJames and Elizabeth married each other when Elizabeth was fifty-nine and

James was sixty-four. This was James’ third marriage and Elizabeth’s second. Both had been divorced for a while and had learned a great deal about themselves and about relationships in the process.

“When I was young, they said ‘opposites attract,’” says James. “That is the biggest bunch of nonsense I’ve ever heard! You must have interests in common. It’s essential to a good marriage.”

Elizabeth adds, “You can’t compromise your own being, your own psyche, in any way to ‘hitch up.’ Sometimes people have to realize that they can live on their own before they commit to living with someone.” While this advice is great for any marriage, it is especially important after a failed marriage, where both individuals have to work toward trusting their own judgment in people again.

This is where money, a complicated issue in a second marriage, comes in. Later-life newlyweds are going to be focused on wills, retirement, trusts for their children, and heath care. Both may come into the marriage with established and perhaps different values related to money that will require the need to negotiate and compromise. Prenuptial agreements are common to protect the interests of grown children and to honor the preexisting and longstanding relationship with children. Each biological parent spending time with his or her children prior to a remarriage calms a number of fears, and frees up the relationships for getting to know each other and building trust without unnecessary worry.

“Finances require a working partnership,” Elizabeth says. “It is essential for couples to figure out how to solve any problems. Full disclosure is needed.”

When children, young or grown, want a remarriage for their parent, the relationships—financial and otherwise—with the step-parent smooth out faster. “Don’t personalize the awkwardness of introductions to friends,” Elizabeth warns. “Whether James’daughter called me Mom, step-mom, Dad’s wife, or Elizabeth, I knew she was trying to get used to the new role as well as I was. It’s so important to remember that the children are a part of your family now; you love them, nurture them, include them, encourage them, enjoy them when you are together, and accept them. There may be times when you don’t click with a child, but it is up to the new partner to do everything he or she can to make it work—or to be quiet about it.”

She adds, “You must give your partner privacy and respect while giving him help, listening, and counseling if he needs it. Respect the space that is needed. But overall, remember that there are many good, though different, ways of doing things.”




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* All names have been changed.

—Karen L. Maudlin, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in marriage and family therapy as well as a regular

columnist for CHRISTIAN PARENTING TODAY. She and her family live in the Chicago area.

“Succeeding at Second Marriages,” by Karen L. Maudlin, MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP, Fall 2001, Vol. 18, No. 3, Page 52



LEADER’S GUIDE

Forging AheadPatching the planks on the rickety bridge of remarriage.

“If you were injured and trying to reach a safe place, would you step onto a rickety, swaying bridge?” asks Jim Killam in MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP. That’s how he describes too many second marriages. “Couples may have charged ahead, stepped on a couple of rotten planks, and now dangle, holding on for dear life.”

Though God is ready to catch us when we stumble, we can do better by looking out for the rotten planks on the path of remarriage and avoid them or repair them. How can we identify and avoid those rotten planks? How can we build a great marriage and blended family? How can we find God’s best for ourselves on this new path and construct a house that will weather storms? This study will explore these issues.

Lesson #2

Scripture: Matthew 6:9–16,18:20–22; John 10:1–16; Philippians 3:12–14; Hebrews 12:1–3; 1 John 1:6–2:6

Based on:“Dangerous Crossing,” by Jim Killam, MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP, Spring 2004, Vol. 21, No. 1, Page 46

LEADER’S GUIDEForging Ahead

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Note to leader: Before class, provide each person with the article “Dangerous Crossing” from MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP magazine (included at the end of this study).

Marriage might be made in heaven, but we have to live it out here on earth. That’s the tough part—especially when we’re talking about remarriage and blending families together.

When we get remarried, we soon learn that no marriage is stress or maintenance free. Just as difficulties surfaced in the first marriage, difficulties will probably surface in the second marriage. And the more children you have entering the second marriage with you—whether on a full-time or part-time basis—the more challenges you will probably face.

Second marriages also face the challenge of dregs of the past. When we enter a new marriage, we often consider that we’re starting with a clean slate. The slate may be washed off, but it’s still not a new slate. Sometimes traces of the past linger on that slate—in our hearts, minds, and attitudes. Everything will be going along fine, and then our mate does or says something that reminds us of something a former spouse used to do that caused pain, trauma, or even irritation. Even if the words or actions are innocent, our minds may expect the worst and respond accordingly. We may still respond to the pain from that first marriage.

The past haunts our new marriage. Issues we’ve dealt with before are danger zones for us to watch out for. These do not mean we’ll slip off the new path in marriage, but they are areas to acknowledge, to commit to God, and to seek his wisdom about crossing. By God’s grace, we can move ahead with confidence.


[Q] Jim Killam points out that “any marriage sees its share of conflict in its early years, as couples realize they’re not Cinderella and Prince Charming.” What were the first indications that you weren’t Cinderella and Prince Charming and didn’t live in a fairy tale? How did you handle it? How did this affect your marriage?

[Q] What do you feel are the rotten planks in many second marriages? Have you faced times when your marriage or blended family was hanging on for dear life? What happened?

[Q] Do you believe it’s possible to build a new marriage and blend a family without any stressors? Why or why not?




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PART 2Discover the Eternal PrinciplesTeaching point one: You may not have a new slate, but you can still put the past behind you.

Read Philippians 3:12–14 and Hebrews 12:1–3. In both passages, the writers talked about leaving behind sin and other things that hindered their walk of faith. Similarly, as we take this new walk of faith into marriage, we need to leave behind the things that hinder us. If we want to think of it in construction terms, when a marriage is destroyed it’s as if a house is torn down. But at times, even though the structure of the house is gone, the old foundation remains. To successfully build a new house on that plot of ground, builders often have to go down to the very basics and tear out the old foundation. To successfully create a new marriage, we have to tear out the blocks of the old one—blocks we may not have realized were still buried in our lives.

So to leave the old life behind, we have to take an honest look and see what blocks or issues from the first marriage are still in our lives. Sometimes we won’t even realize these exist until the issue comes up in our new marriage. Jim Killam gives the example of a husband who suddenly freaked out when the bills were higher than normal one month. He didn’t mean to respond so violently. As his wife delved into the issue, she learned that finances had been an emotionally charged issue in his first marriage.

As we go through the new marriage, we have to notice these hidden blocks and acknowledge them instead of pretending they don’t exist or stuffing the pain and hiding it from the new mate. Then we have to consciously ask God to help us let go of such issues. As this couple said, “If you work through it, eventually it doesn’t bother you any more. That makes you a healthier person, which in turn gives you a healthier marriage.”

[Q] Have you had any experiences like Killam illustrates—when you caught yourself overreacting to an issue and realized it was a result of issues in your first marriage? How did you deal with it? How can a person explain this kind of issue to the new spouse?

[Q] How should you respond when your mate admits that something you do reminds him or her of the former spouse? How can you help your spouse work through this?

[Q] What are some ways a person can work through the pain that resurfaces from an old marriage? Do scars always have to be with us?

[Q] In the Philippians passage, Paul says he presses on toward the mark of the high calling of God. What do you think it means to press toward the mark of the high calling of God in a marriage?




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Teaching point two: Replace the plank of bitterness and anger with forgiveness.

Read Matthew 6:9–16 and 18:20–22. In Matthew 6, we read the Lord’s Prayer. This prayer brings out the vital elements we are to think about when we come before God in prayer. It includes reflecting on his greatness and power, depending on God for the physical necessities of life, our relationships with others, and our spiritual focus. Isn’t it interesting that in pinpointing our relationships with others, Jesus highlighted forgiveness? The Lord’s Prayer doesn’t discuss relationship pointers that are mentioned elsewhere in the Bible, such as loving others or doing good for others. In Jesus’ model prayer, he discussed forgiveness. Perhaps forgiving others is the first step before we can express love, acceptance, or other relationship builders. This prayer also includes a scary concept—that God’s forgiveness will somehow reflect how we do or don’t forgive others.

Some people are tougher to forgive than others. The more intimate we’ve been with another person, and the more we’ve trusted him or her, the deeper the pain and bitterness when we’re hurt, and the harder to forgive. Some former mates take a lot of forgiving. They may hurt us repeatedly, so we have to continually forgive them for new offences. If kids are involved, this is very likely. We may have to forgive an ex-spouse repeatedly for one offence; any time the memory of the wrong comes to our minds, we may need to ask God yet again to give us the power to forgive that person for the way he or she sinned against us.

It’s important for our sanity to forgive the person with no strings attached. Forgiveness is not meant to benefit the other person; that person may never change and may hurt us again at every chance. But forgiveness is an act that purifies our hearts and gives us peace. As we release the pain of the past and forgive, we can enjoy the comfort God gives us, and we can move ahead.

[Q] Have you ever experienced rotten planks of bitterness and pain from your first marriage? Have you forgiven the one who hurt you?

[Q] What do you think Matthew 6:15 means when it tells us that God will not forgive us if we don’t forgive others? Does Jesus really mean that if we don’t forgive, God won’t forgive our sins at all? How does failing to forgive drive a wedge in our relationship with God?

[Q] Have you ever had a “70 x 7” person—someone who’s prone to hurt you over and over, either intentionally or unintentionally? How do we deal with such people? Should we ever confront them? Or do we just continue forgiving?

[Q] Have you ever had a miraculous experience in forgiveness—a person you felt you would never be able to forgive, but somehow God gave you the grace you needed to grant forgiveness? Tell about that experience.

[Q] Jim Killam says, “Rely on God, not on your new marriage, to purge your life of past bitterness.” What do you think he means?




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Teaching point three: Repentance is key for rebuilding our lives and constructing a good marriage.

Read 1 John 1:6–2:6. These Scriptures remind us of a stark fact of life: everyone is sinful. We were all born with the sin nature, and through all of our lives—even after we fully commit our lives to Christ—we face temptations. Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates divorce—and it’s no wonder! When a marriage breaks down, it leaves a wake of pain. The God who weeps with us grieves as deeply as any of us do when divorce happens.

In Jim Killam’s article, he says that in the process of forgiving a former mate, we also have to acknowledge our own mistakes; that the breakup of a marriage—just like the building of a marriage—takes input from two people. One couple he interviewed emphasized personal responsibility in repentance, to ask God to forgive my sin in the marriage.

Once we confess our sin, God forgives us and cleanses our hearts. At that point, we are able to better understand what we have done wrong so we won’t make the same mistakes again.

[Q] In Killam’s article, Margaret Broersma says, “Until you can say, ‘I know what I did wrong,’ your new marriage will be poisoned.” Do you agree or disagree? Why or why not?

[Q] Do you think it’s true that the breakup of a marriage takes two people? Or are you prone to believe that one person is generally more at fault than the other? Explain your feelings.

[Q] If we confess our sins to God, is it necessary that we confess our sins to the former spouse and ask for forgiveness? What are the pros and cons of doing this? Have you ever done this? Did you get good or bad results? What do you recommend to others?

[Q] When Malachi pronounces, “God hates divorce,” how does that make you feel? Is Malachi simply stating a fact, or is this a reprimand? Name reasons why God might hate divorce.

Teaching point four: The road to success means taking down the loser sign.

Read John 10:1–16. In this passage, Jesus reaffirmed who we are: his sheep. All of us have many words that can describe us, such as husband, wife, mother, father, daughter, son, engineer, pilot, volunteer, teacher, American, Hispanic, and so on. Many words can describe the roles we play in life, but our definition as Jesus’ sheep is the very core of who we are. More important than anything else is the fact that we are his children, his followers. We belong to him.

Because we are his, we have value. He will feed us, guide us, wait for us if we fall behind, care for us if we become ill, and look for us if we lose our way. He doesn’t haphazardly leave us to follow him or simply shrug his shoulders if something




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happens. No, he treats us like a valuable treasure, and because he values us, he wants us to have abundant life—a life better than all we could think or ask.

In contrast, Jesus said that the enemy comes to destroy us. The enemy may not be able to destroy our soul, but he tries to destroy us in other ways. He tries to make us forget 1 John 1:9 by telling us God will not forgive our sins—including that we blew it in our first marriage. He tells us we are losers and not worthy of God’s love. He tells us that since we failed, we are not valuable to God.

But Jesus has sheep. He doesn’t have good sheep and bad sheep. He doesn’t categorize sheep into divorced and non-divorced, giving precedence to the non-divorced. Satan will try to make us wear the “loser” label, but Christ gives us value, hope, and life. He doesn’t see us as losers, so we shouldn’t wear that mantle.

Don’t wear false guilt or cling to failure. We must leave our loser label behind and wear the new label that pronounces us as God’s valuable property.

[Q] Have you ever felt like a loser because you have failed in a marriage, because your stepchildren aren’t responding well to you, or because your remarriage isn’t as smooth as you expected it to be? When we feel like a loser, how does that affect our relationships with others? With God?

[Q] What are some of the practical things we can do to shake the “loser” feeling? How can we help others in the church not to label us on the basis of our first marital failure?

[Q] What about us makes us valuable to God? Why does he cherish us so much?

[Q] If Jesus came to give us life more abundantly, what does that mean in light of our remarriage?


Divorce happens, but we don’t have to be bound by the past. We don’t have to be destined to walk on the same rotten planks that many people walk. The Bible encourages us not only to leave the past behind, but it reminds us that the past can be a valuable part of our future. God can use us no matter what we’ve said or done. Just because we’ve messed up, we haven’t forfeited our chances for a wonderful life.

[Q] How can God use our past to affect our future in a positive way?

[Q] What can we do when we catch ourselves starting to step on the rotten planks of clinging to the past, denying we’ve ever done anything wrong, clutching bitterness, or considering ourselves failures?




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[Q] How can we keep a positive perspective about life after divorce, and how can we implement that into our remarriage?


1. If you need to forgive someone from a previous or present marriage, sit down in a chair with an empty chair across from you. Pretend the one you want to forgive is in that chair. Tell that person how you feel. Then express your forgiveness and pray for that person. Writing the person a letter is also effective—whether you send it or destroy it after it’s written.

2. To help make sure your spouse never feels like a loser, write down 20 to 50 things you respect, admire, and appreciate about him or her.

3. As a couple, reach out to a couple that has been remarried for a shorter time than you have. Find ways to help them avoid the rotten planks.

—Study prepared by Jeanette Gardner Littleton, who lives in a remarriage.


-Learning to Appreciate Our Spouse-Faith as the Marriage Glue-Glorify God Together: Marriage with Purpose-When Money Comes Between Us-Marriage and Opposite-Sex Friends-Sex and the Christian Couple-When It’s Hard to Love-Successful Relationships Course

Can Stress Heal? Kenneth H. Cooper, M.D. (Thomas Nelson/W, 1997; ISBN 0785283153)

Healing the Divorced Heart: Devotions for Hope & Encouragement, Rose Sweet (AMG publishers, 2003; ISBN 0899573762)

Making a New Vow: A Christian’s Guide to Remarrying, J. Warren Kniskern (Broadman & Holman, 2003; ISBN 0805426167 )

Starting Over, Thomas Whiteman (NavPress, 2001; ISBN 157683268)

A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce, Rose Sweet (Hendrickson Publishers, 2oo1; ISBN 1565636260)



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ARTICLE

Dangerous CrossingHow to keep your marriage footing as your blended family becomes one

By Jim Killam, for the study “Forging Ahead”

If you were injured and trying to reach a safe place, would you step onto a rickety, swinging bridge?

That’s a fair description of too many second marriages. When the remarriage creates a blended family—in which at least one of the spouses becomes a stepparent—the footing’s even more treacherous. Couples may have charged ahead, stepped on a couple rotten planks, and now dangle, holding on for dear life.

Sadly, according to the U.S. Census Bureau and the National Center for Health Statistics, almost 65 percent of remarriages end in divorce. And Barna Research shows that born-again Christians divorce at virtually the same rate as the rest of the population.

Here’s the added complication for blended families: Experts say it typically takes four to eight years for a new family to blend—to feel like a real family rather than a stepfamily. But of the second marriages that fail, most do so in the first four years—before families realistically could have expected to blend.

So wouldn’t you feel more confident crossing that remarriage bridge if you had a map, drawn by couples who have crossed before you, that revealed which planks were secure and which were rotten?

Rotten planksAny marriage sees its share of conflict in its early years, as couples realize

they’re not Cinderella and Prince Charming. The fairy-tale view of a second marriage assumes that all the mistakes and pain from the first marriage are ancient history. This time, couples say, we have a clean slate.

Reality hits as couples realize the new marriage, just like the last one, holds big challenges. Some are brand-new, such as getting a feel for each other as new husband and wife while also trying to parent one or two sets of kids. Some are



ARTICLEDangerous Crossing

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reruns, such as staying angry at a former spouse and not realizing what that anger is doing to the new marriage.

Pat and Ricki Giersch, a suburban Chicago couple, have been married five years. Each spouse’s first marriage ended in divorce. Each brought two children to the new marriage ... and found their early disagreements stressful. That clean slate wasn’t so clean. It contained a long list of hidden wounds.

Ricki remembers when she and Pat would sit down to pay bills. Maybe there would be a higher-than-normal credit card balance. Pat would ask what they were going to do about it, and complain that everything was going to the credit card company. Then he’d launch into a diatribe: “Am I here just to pay the bills? Am I in this all on my own? You guys just want a piece of me.”

Ricki would think, Wow. Where is that coming from?

It was coming from Pat’s first marriage, where finances had been an emotionally charged issue. If a spouse’s spending habits caused trouble in a first marriage, Pat says, you will be keenly aware of that trait in a second spouse—even if it’s not a real problem. And you may overreact. “The siren goes off,” Pat says, “and it screams, ‘Here we go again! Protect, protect, protect.’”

After four sometimes-shaky years, the Giersches finally went to a Christian marriage and family counselor. Today they acknowledge their marriage might have ended had they not found help with what turned out to be common marriage and parenting issues.

The Giersches also credit another blended-family couple, Moe and Paige Becnel, for helping their marriage grow. The Becnels work with blended families at Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and are authors of the book God Breathes on Blended Families, which Ricki and Pat used in their church-based small group.

Ricki and Pat found safe footing on a treacherous bridge. Here are several key planks to step on that can help your blended family survive the dangerous marriage crossing.

Recognize memory triggers. Moe and Paige Becnel know—from their own experience as a blended-family couple and from counseling others—that anyone in a second marriage will face bad memories. You can stuff that pain away, or you can confront it.

“If you work through it,” Paige says, “eventually it doesn’t bother you any more. That makes you a healthier person, which in turn gives you a healthier marriage.”

If something your first spouse did made you feel betrayed, then you need to recognize that as a rotten plank and make your new spouse aware of it. Margaret



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Broersma, author of Daily Reflections for Stepparents: Living and Loving in a New Family, has a friend whose ex-husband was an alcoholic. “If her new husband even drank at all, she would panic,” Margaret says. “It was too scary for her. Drinking wasn’t that important to him, so he stopped.”

Forgive. Many a second marriage has been doomed by lingering pain—especially if the marriage has come too soon after a divorce or a spouse’s death for there to be enough healing time.

“They take the hurt, anger, bitterness, and vengeance, and bring that into the new marriage,” Moe Becnel says. “You can’t channel anger at one particular person; it spills onto every person in your life—including your new spouse.”

How do you know if you still need to forgive? If you’re having an argument with your spouse and your ex-spouse’s name comes up in comparison—either in your words or in your thoughts, Moe says—you probably have bitterness toward that ex-spouse. That’s not fair to the new spouse.

You’ll see it in your prayer life, too. You’ll try to pray, Paige says, and suddenly you’re thinking horrible thoughts about someone who has hurt you. Your lack of forgiveness drives a wedge between you and God.

The solution? Rely on God, not on your new marriage, to purge your life of past bitterness. That includes forgiving your ex and anyone else who helped kill the previous marriage.

“If you can’t think about that person without having negative thoughts, you probably lack forgiveness,” Paige says. “One way to forgive is to write down the names of the people you’re struggling with. Then think of a blessing you would want. Write that blessing next to their names. Then pray that blessing over them.”

Margaret Broersma, who with her husband, Roger, has worked with blended families at their church in Michigan, will even encourage people to write a letter of forgiveness. In that letter, you acknowledge your own mistakes, too. Divorce generally isn’t the fault of just one spouse. “Until you can say, ‘I know what I did wrong,’ your new marriage will be poisoned,” says Margaret.

Genuine repentance before God is needed, too, for your new marriage to be healthy. The Becnels see four steps. First, realize that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). Second, ask God to forgive you for the part you played in the breakdown of the former marriage. Third, learn from what you did wrong so you don’t have a repeat performance. And fourth, commit to God to make your new marriage last a lifetime.

Put the marriage before the kids. Sixteen years ago, the Broersmas, both widowed, married to form a blended family with five kids. Dinner-table arguments



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surfaced early-on between Margaret’s son, Aaron, and Roger. Margaret remembers looking at Aaron like, I understand, you poor thing. I’m on your side. Later, as she prayed for family unity, she recognized those silent glances were dividing their home.

The single most destructive thing a husband or wife can do in a second marriage, Margaret says, is to side with their biological child against the spouse. “We have a natural, biological instinct to protect our own flesh,” she says. “So if the stepparent tries to discipline, and if we react in the normal, biological way, we’re going to protect our own child—even if the spouse is being reasonable.”

Conquer those biological tendencies and you’ll build your marriage. That’s the greatest thing you can do for kids who have been through the intense pain of seeing their previous family disintegrate.

“You and your spouse go behind closed doors,” Margaret says, “away from the kids, and say, ‘We’re going to present a united front to the children.’ Your relationship will last when your marriage is given priority.”

Lose the “loser” label. “If you’re divorced, you may feel that people see you as a loser,” says Pat Giersch. “That something is wrong with you.”

To fight that, and to keep yourselves from believing it, you need a support network. Finding a church with a strong blended-family ministry may be the most important step a couple can take. It can point you toward counseling, toward a mentor couple, or toward small groups where blended-family couples hash out tough questions together.

Given the divorce statistics, it stands to reason that blended families make up a significant portion of any church. Still, some churches have resisted such ministries, either unknowingly or for fear that they would be giving silent approval to divorce. But that view is changing. “You don’t have to embrace divorce, you just have to embrace the divorced person,” Moe says. “You have to realize, if God forgives murderers and adulterers, he forgives divorced people, too.”

As Ricki Giersch points out, “Jesus said, ‘I come to give you life, and life abundantly.’ He didn’t say, ‘If you’ve been divorced, that’s not for you.’”

If your church doesn’t offer this type of ministry, it may be because no one has asked for it—perhaps because of fear of the “divorced” label. Step forward and identify yourselves as a blended family who could use help. Fight the fear by realizing the dangerous territory you’re in. With a support system, your chances of falling off that bridge are far less.

“We like to tell remarried couples that they’re giving their families a chance to see what a healthy marriage is all about,” Paige says. “It’s not a chance that’s




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necessarily deserved—some people are divorced because of their own wrongful actions. But it’s a chance you’ve been given by the grace of God. What are you going to do, at all cost to you, to save this marriage?”

—Jim Killam, an MP regular contributor and co-author of When God Is the Life of the Party (NavPress), teaches

journalism at Northern Illinois University.

“Dangerous Crossing,” by Jim Killam, MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP, Spring 2004, Vol. 21, No. 1, Page 46



LEADER’S GUIDE

Blending with Blessing

How can we create a family unit that is rife with love?

When a man and woman marry for the second time, Diane Mandt Langberg writes in TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, “they bring together their differences to forge a common life. Likewise, a blended family brings together many new people and their differences to create a common family life.”

Just the logistics of a new living situation are enough to push everyone involved over the edge with stress. How can you help the family blend better emotionally, practically, and spiritually? How can you successfully become a family unit that is a blessing? This study will help you explore these issues.

Lesson #3

Scripture:Genesis 2:20–25; Matthew 18:1–6; 19:13–14; Ephesians 4:1–13; Philippians 2:3–11

Based on:“Marrying with Children,” by Diane Mandt Langberg, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, November/December 2004, Vol. 26, No. 6, Page 14

LEADER’S GUIDEBlending with Blessing

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Note to leader: Before the class, give each person the article “Marrying with Children” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study).

Blending a family involves both loss and gain, Diane Mandt Langberg points out in her article. The family is filled with loss because it’s a change from what used to be. First comes the loss of a marriage and the deconstructing of that family unit. Often financial loss, or loss of family, friends, and church members are part of the equation. Next, instead of mom and the kids, or dad and the kids, now there’s another parent and sometimes other kids. The situation is a breeding ground for stress as people who’ve never before lived together are suddenly related and expected to operate as a team.

On the other hand, blending a family also includes gain. If God has called the parents together to remarry, that means he’s also calling all members involved to be part of each other’s lives. And though building a new family unit is not an easy task, it can be rewarding and full of blessing. The process can be smoother as we look to God and his Word for wisdom and guidance.


[Q] What’s the worst “war story” you’ve heard regarding blending a stepfamily? What have been your worst moments in this process?

[Q] What challenges do you think are a given in a blended family? How long do you think it takes a family to blend?

[Q] Do you think it is possible for all members of the family to learn to live together in unity and become a blessing? What kind of expectations should couples have when they remarry with children?

[Q] When parents remarry, what do you think are the toughest things for the kids to adjust to? When a family blends, what do you think is toughest for the parents?

PART 2Discover the Eternal PrinciplesTeaching point one: God values children.

Read Matthew 18:1–6 and 19:13–14. Have you ever wondered how God feels about kids—those humans in the process of learning and growing up? In many




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cultures, children have been treated as little more than slaves—not necessarily valued for their unique personalities, but for the work they can do. Even today, some countries treat children dreadfully.

Children do not generally have any power or influence. Perhaps that’s why some of the disciples tried to scoot people away who were bringing their kids to Jesus. Can’t you just hear them, “C’mon lady—Jesus has more important things to do than meet your kid!”

But Jesus quickly put an end to that attitude. Instead of seeing kids as a bother, he held them up as an ideal of trust and acceptance of spiritual truths. He basically warned those listening, “I love kids, so don’t mess with them.”

How does that apply to us as we look at the issue of remarriage and creating a new family? We need to remember to value the children. It’s easy for the children to get lost in the shuffle. So as we seek to build a healthy blend in the family, we need to treat these young ones—even if they’re teenagers and don’t seem like children—as ones who are valued by God. He trusts us to represent him in our stepchildren’s lives, and he allows us to mentor them.

[Q] Why do you think Jesus focused on children in these Scriptures? Why do you think these accounts were included in the Bible?

[Q] Where do you feel children fit in our society? How important are they? What are some categories of society that value children? What are some areas of society in which kids are not valued?

[Q] Jesus warned against causing children to stumble. What do you think he meant by this?

[Q] How can we help the children in our household discover Jesus and learn to rely on him?

[Q] If you feel God led you and your spouse together, does that also mean he has specifically given you the opportunity to love and influence your mate’s kids? Or that he has called your new mate to love and influence your kids? How does this perspective affect your views of your stepchildren?

[Q] How have you seen God use people in their stepchildren’s lives?

[Q] When the going gets tough in the blended family, how can you remember to see the children as precious?

Teaching point two: Honoring others is a great way to build relationships.

Read Philippians 2:3–11. Paul gives us a key element of any successful relationship—going beyond looking out for number one. It’s easy to look out for ourselves, and that’s generally what the world tells us to do: “If you don’t look out for yourself, no one else will.”




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Scripture tells us to focus on others. We’re to look after their best interests. We’re to realize we’re no more important than they are, and we’re to serve them. Instead of being the center of our universe, we’re to take care of others. Paul points out that even though Jesus was God, he not only put himself on a human level but took his attitude a step further and focused on serving.

In a new stepfamily situation, it’s easy for each member to focus on what he or she is experiencing. It’s normal for us to want our needs met. But when building a new family, we have to remember that there are more people to consider now—more people to think about serving and pleasing, more people’s needs to put ahead of our own. That consideration and service helps build trust in a family. After all, it’s easier for kids to trust a new parent figure if that parent obviously looks out for them.

Considering others’ needs as more important than our own isn’t easy to do, but as we look to the prime example, Jesus Christ, we’ll find the grace we need.

[Q] Why did Christ lower himself, even though he didn’t have to?

[Q] What is the result when we learn to look out for the needs of others and not just our own needs? Is this difficult to do? What can we do to help us remember this?

[Q] What do you focus on when you think about your blended family? Is it tough sometimes to remember what the kids are going through? What are your kids or stepkids going through as you create a different family unit than they originally had?

[Q] What do you think are your kids’ expectations of this new family conglomeration? What are their hopes? In Langberg’s article, she suggests that it may help to ask each family member what he or she would like to see as part of this family. Do you think this is a realistic suggestion for your family?

[Q] Why is it easier for a child to trust a new parent who’s looking out for him or her? What are ways new stepparents can build trust with the children?

Teaching point three: The Bible indicates that married couples should keep their marriage as the top priority.

Read Genesis 2:20–25. Though Adam and Eve were the first couple God joined together, he put down one of the most important marriage precepts we can follow: the principle of leaving and cleaving. Adam and Eve didn’t have parents to leave—they had no one else but each other (a typical honeymooner’s perspective). But God still directed them to cleave to each other—to focus on one another and become unified, clinging to each other through everything.

In a second marriage, children bring a challenge to the idea of leaving and cleaving. In a realistic sense, the parent and kids have been a team together—loving each other and depending on each other. Then a new person or people enter the scenario. When troubles arise, it’s easy for the parent and kids to blame




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the problems on the new person in the equation. And let’s be honest, parents are dealing with guilt, in many cases, and want to make sure the kids are happy. So it’s easy for parents to side with the kids against the spouse when problems arise, instead of showing support for the mate.

Does that mean we ignore the kids and consider them unimportant? No, but we do maintain a new focus—each other. We have to concentrate on becoming one and making sure this new spouse takes top priority. After all, if you want to beat the odds of divorce in a second marriage, you have to remember that your kids will be grown and out of the house while your marriage is still thriving.

[Q] Do you think the scriptural command to leave and cleave also applies to spouses “leaving” children to cleave to each other?

[Q] Many counselors indicate that when it’s an issue between your spouse and your children, you should always align yourself with your spouse. Do you agree? Why or why not?

[Q] What are some practical ways you’ve found of “leaving” without causing hurt feelings or disrespect to children?

[Q] By having Adam and Eve in an environment that included nothing but animals, the two had no choice but to cleave to each other, but how can you practice cleaving? What can you do to focus on just the two of you and to build your relationship?

[Q] As a couple cleaves, how does that affect the whole family as a unit?

Teaching point four: Christians should live in unity whenever possible—especially in families.

Read Ephesians 4:1–13. Paul gives the Christians in Ephesus practical pointers on building unity. Let’s look at some of this advise: 1) Live a life worthy of the calling. 2) Have a humble and gentle attitude. 3) Have patience with each other and love each other through problems. 4) Keep Christian unity foremost.

Paul mentioned that Christ had given each of the believers the amount of grace they needed to succeed. And he pointed out that God gave believers different gifts to enhance their unity.

These principles can also help stepfamilies succeed and become a breeding ground for love. God has brought our families together. We can purposely set out to be a Christian family and serve Christ together. As we’ve already discussed, having a humble attitude goes a long way in fostering relationships. Along with that, displaying gentleness and kindness helps kids see we’re trustworthy. In a new family situation, patience is vital as we all learn about each other and how to get along. As part of that, we should be committed to each other through problems and build a family by trying to grow closer to the Lord together.

It also helps to note the gifts and skills God has given each person. Each family member is important to God and has gifts that can enhance the family as a whole.




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As a stepfamily learns to become a cohesive unit, even though challenges may strike at times, blessing abounds. Family members become blessings to each other, and the family becomes a blessing to those outside the home.

[Q] What do you think is God’s calling for your family? Do you feel God has a calling and purpose for each member of your family in making your blended family a success? What do you feel are the gifts each member has?

[Q] Can you think of other things Paul didn’t mention here that bring unity to a family? What are some practical things you can do to move from his and hers to ours?

[Q] What kinds of things can we do to develop spiritual unity in our families?

[Q] What is the biggest hindrance to unity in your blended family? What can you do to overcome this hindrance?


As we work at our relationships, a blended family can be a blessing.

[Q] What do you feel are the best things about being a blended family?

[Q] How can we work at building relationships in the blended family when the going gets tough?

[Q] How can we create a great marriage without making the kids feel threatened in their relationships with us?


1. List the strengths you see in each person in your blended family, and note how each member is vital to making your family successful. What have each of these new family members meant in your life? Share your list with your family, or write a letter to each person expressing your thoughts.

2. One of the ways to foster unity in any relationship is to build memories together. Plan several activities your family can do together, or places you can go together. Make sure you take photos. Also, talk about things you have already done together. Make this a habit in your family to remind the kids—and you—that you share memories.

3. Work on building some spiritual unity by finding a way you can serve together. Perhaps your family can help out at a church event, or maybe you can work together at a soup kitchen.

—Study prepared by Jeanette Gardner Littleton, a writer and stepmom.




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-Loving Discipline-Raising Counter-Cultural Teenagers-Fear Factors in Parenting-Friendships that Benefit Parenting-You and Your Prodigal Child

Fantastic Families: 6 Proven Steps to Building a Strong Family Workbook, Nick Stinnett (Howard Publishing; ISBN 15822291446)

Helping Children Survive Divorce, Archibald Hart (Thomas Nelson/W, 1997; ISBN 0849939496)

The Stepfamily Survival Guide, Natalie Nichols Gillespie (Revell, 2004; ISBN 0800759214)

Your Kids and Divorce: Helping Them Grow Beyond the Hurt, Thomas A. Whiteman (Baker, 2001; ISBN 0800757750)



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ARTICLE

Marrying … with ChildrenHow do we build a healthy blended family?

By Dr. Diane Mandt Langberg, for the study “Blending with Blessing”

I have two children and I’m about to marry a man who also has two children. I’m concerned about blending our families. Any advice?

You’re facing a challenge, but you can be successful. Creating a strong blended family actually involves principles similar to those used to create a strong marriage—mutual respect and consideration.

When two people marry, they bring together their differences to forge a common life. Likewise, a blended family brings together many people and their differences to create a common family life. This process involves both loss and gain. What you and your fiancé had in your previous marriages is gone. But the good news is, you’re on the brink of creating a brand-new marriage, family, and home.

Making something new requires an interest in and respect for what’s important to each member of your blended family. It may help you to ask each family member (even the youngest one) what he or she would like to see as part of this new family.

Remember, you and your husband will also have to be deliberate about building your marriage. It’s easy to hit the ground running because of all the children involved, but don’t let your marriage take a back seat. Make sure you spend some couple-only time so you can work together as a team. If you don’t, your stress will keep you functioning independently, and you’ll end up having two separate families living under the same roof.

Why not read some books on blended families and parenting with your fiance? That way, you can begin to formulate how you want your family to look and how you want to work together. Respect each other’s needs and hopes, and consider how your choices will impact the others. If you do this, you’ll build a healthy family and model good relationships for your children.



ARTICLEMarrying … with Children

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—Diane Mandt Langberg, Ph.D., is an author and licensed psychologist in private practice. You can e-mail her questions at

[email protected].

“Marrying with Children,” by Diane Mandt Langberg,TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, November/December 2004, Vol. 26, No. 6, Page 14



LEADER’S GUIDE

Battleground at HomeWhat can we do when the family isn’t blending?

In the best-case scenarios, families that are blending may face a few bumps along the way, but those bumps get smoothed out with time and care.

But what happens if your blended family includes members who refuse to blend? Ones who perch like oil on top of the water of your family? Ones who continually remind you that they have no intentions of accepting the situation, loving the new family members, or respecting a new stepparent?

What do we do when our home turns into a battleground with lines clearly—or sometimes worse—not so clearly drawn? How can we draw on God’s strength to handle the pain and stress of a child who won’t accept us? And how can we win over the love of a reluctant stepdaughter or stepson? This study will explore these issues.

Lesson #4

Scripture:1 Kings 3:5–12; 4:29–34; Jeremiah 33:3; Luke 6:27–36; Colossians 3:12–17; 1 Peter 3:8–17; 1 John 4:7–12

Based on:“My Not So Blended Family,” by Diane Mandt Langberg, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, March/April 2003, Vol. 25, No. 2,

LEADER’S GUIDEBattleground at Home

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Note to leader: Before the class, give each person the article “My Not So Blended Family” from TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine (included at the end of this study).

One of the biggest challenges of remarriage is incorporating children into the picture. Children tend to be a lot more resilient than we think when it comes to adjusting to new situations. Many are able to work through the pain of loss and the discomfort of a new place in life, and survive intact, if not happily.

However, not all kids are so pliant. Some enter the new family kicking and screaming. Some enter the new situation well, but then, after the honeymoon is over, make their presence felt in negative ways.

When a child is doing everything he or she can to fight the blending process, it can cause stress, worry, guilt, and anxiety for everyone involved. Couples are often torn apart by the tension and disagreements on how to handle the situation.

We need God’s grace and wisdom to deal with situations like this. Just remember, nothing is impossible with God—tough maybe, even with God’s power, but nothing is impossible, even winning the heart of a reluctant stepchild.


[Q] When you married, did any of your children balk at the situation before marriage? Did you have any that were okay with it at first, but raised havoc later?

[Q] What are some ways reluctant kids make their displeasure known? Do you think the natural parent or the stepparent usually picks up on this first?

[Q] If this has happened to you, what kind of challenges did it create in your marriage? How did you respond? How did this affect the rest of the members of the blending family?

[Q] When a child is acting in this way, can we do anything to prevent the other children from picking up the attitudes or displaying the same types of behavior? Explain.




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PART 2Discover the Eternal PrinciplesTeaching point one: Sometimes people won’t like us even when we’re doing what’s right.

Read 1 Peter 3:8–17. Peter lists all the things the believers could do right: live in harmony, be sympathetic, be humble. But he acknowledges that even when we practice these, we’re going to encounter people who have something against us. We’ll have to face people who seem to despise us no matter what we do.

If you’ve had problems with a stepchild, these words might strike a chord. Sometimes a stepparent may have a hard time liking his or her mate’s child, but if the child is still in the home, stepparents usually do their best to accept the new children. So it’s possible that the reluctant stepchild is lashing out at the parent because of issues of his own.

Have you ever heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people”? That’s often the cause of anger, rebellion, and disrespect in a child’s life. You may not be doing anything wrong, and the child may be able to sense that you truly love her, but she still may lash out at you. Some kids would have problems with a stepparent even if she was Mother Teresa!

[Q] Have you ever been jealous of your stepchild’s relationship with your mate, or have you ever had other negative feelings toward a stepchild? How often do you think kids sense such feelings?

[Q] If you’ve been through this issue in your stepfamily, discuss when you first noticed it. Why, at first, are some stepparents prone to blame themselves when problems arise?

[Q] Peter goes so far as to say that if we suffer for doing what’s right, we’re blessed. What do you think he means?

[Q] According to Peter, how should we respond when we’re blasted even though we haven’t done anything?

[Q] How can a stepparent help the natural parent understand what’s going on? What can the natural parent do to help and support the stepparent through a situation like this?

[Q] How do you react when a task seems overwhelming? Do you show courage or resignation? Explain your answer.

[Q] Should a stepparent ever confront a child about this kind of conflict? Why or why not? If so, what can the stepparent say?




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Teaching point two: Ask God for compassion and understanding. Read 1 Kings 3:5–12 and 4:29–34. God was pleased with Solomon. This man who was the son of David and Bathsheba served God so well early in his career that God made him an offer: whatever he asked for, God would grant him. Solomon could have asked for riches, but he asked for wisdom to guide his people well.

In 1 Kings 4:29, we see the results of that prayer. God gave Solomon wisdom, insight, and “understanding as measureless as sand on the seashore.”

When we’re dealing with a disgruntled child, one of the best things we can do is ask God to give us an understanding heart. In the article, Langberg tells a woman with a belligerent 12-year-old stepdaughter, “Let’s think about what it’s like to be your stepdaughter.” Langberg points out that the stepparent reminds the child of a loss—the loss of her dream for her parents to live in harmony. Also, kids often don’t know what to do with their feelings in a second marriage. The child may feel it’s not right to express anger at the parent, so the stepparent gets the brunt of it. The child may also feel left out or threatened by new relationships. And at times the ex-spouse may criticize or blame the stepparent: “It’s all your stepmother’s fault. She’s a horrible person, or your father and I might have gotten back together again.” At other times an ex-spouse may threaten the child with dire consequences if the child should start liking the stepparent. “Try not to take her reactions personally—they’re not about you, but about what you represent,” Langberg advises.

As we begin to consciously try to understand how the child thinks and feels, we are more likely to find grace, forgiveness, and acceptance in our own hearts. We’re also more likely to find insight on how to deal with the situation.

[Q] What emotions do you think a child experiences when a parent remarries?

[Q] Langberg advises stepparents not to take the hostility, anger, and rudeness personally. How can stepparents overcome their own emotions to focus on the reasons behind the child’s behavior?

[Q] How can understanding what a child is feeling help parents and stepparents deal with the situation? Does understanding a child’s behavior excuse it or mean we should accept bad behavior? What’s appropriate expression of feelings and what’s not?

[Q] How might different-aged children act out their distress at a second marriage or new family?

[Q] What can the parent do to help the child accept the stepparent or new family situation?

Teaching point three: Jesus taught us to bless our enemies. That applies to those who despise us and live in the same house.

Read Luke 6:27–36. When someone has set himself up as our enemy, human nature encourages us to respond in kind—or at least to stay away from that




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person. But Jesus taught his disciples a new way of life. Not only were they not to seek revenge when wronged, but they were to pray for those who mistreated them and bless those who cursed them—even to the degree of going out of their way to minister to these people.

Though the word enemy sounds harsh, that’s not an unrealistic definition for the degree of conflict in some homes. In fact, if we listened to the unhappy child talk to friends, we’d probably hear the stepparent referred to as his or her enemy.

Jesus gives us tangible advice, spiritual advice, and attitude advice. We are to find ways to literally and practically bless the enemy. We are to pray for that person—which may or may not change him or her, but will certainly affect us. And we are to put on an attitude of mercy, just as God has shown mercy to his enemies (us).

[Q] This Scripture talks about our reward being great if we treat people as Jesus directs. What kind of rewards do we receive from doing this?

[Q] Which part of Jesus’ advice is hardest for you to follow: praying for one who has hurt you, finding ways to bless that person, or changing your attitude? Why is this hardest?

[Q] Jesus tells us that if someone strikes us on one cheek, we should turn the other. How does this fit in with the concept of having boundaries in our lives—lines of respect for ourselves that we won’t let others cross? Do you think Jesus meant this literally? If not, what did he mean? If so, did he mean for us to tolerate abuse?

Teaching point four: God can give you the strength to love and forgive others, even in difficult situations.

Read Jeremiah 33:3, Colossians 3:12–17, and 1 John 4:7–12. The wonderful thing about being a Christian is that the God of the universe invites us to come to him with our problems and challenges. He offers to help us make our way on earth and fulfill his commands—we’re not on our own. In Jeremiah 33:3, God urged people to call on him. Not only would he answer their prayers, but he would show them great things they couldn’t even imagine.

That’s a wonderful promise to cling to and a marvelous precept to follow when we’re dealing with our children’s attitudes and issues. Colossians gives us some practical relationship advice for dealing with others, including unruly children. When we’re stepparents getting emotionally clobbered, it’s especially important that we remember to heed the words here on forgiveness.

Most of all, the way to deal with a non-compliant child is to practice love. First John 4:7 tells us that love comes from God. Often, when we’re in painful situations, we can’t incorporate love ourselves—we need help. As we call upon God and ask him to give us love for this child, God will delight in answering our prayer. He can help us pour out love when that’s the last thing we want to do.

God loves that child and is concerned about the pain that child is going through. He also loves you and empathizes with your pain. He’s the healer of relationships,




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so make sure you turn your relationships over to him, especially when they need his fixing.

[Q] What other tips can we find in Colossians 3:12–17 on how to deal with a difficult situation? What strikes you as an area you need to work on?

[Q] Is love a feeling, a behavior, or both? Is it dishonest to act in loving ways when we don’t feel loving, or is it a step of faith?

[Q] Likewise, is forgiveness a feeling, a behavior, or an act of faith? If we forgive, is it true we’ll forget the offense?

[Q] How can the natural parent pray about the rift between child and mate? What points should he or she remember in prayer?


Though we often cannot control other people’s feelings and behaviors, we can control our own. As we seek God and ask him to help us, to give us the grace to deal with the tough points, he will. He may not change our situations, and he may not miraculously change another person, but he will work in our hearts, making us more like him.

[Q] What can parents say to help children express their grief, anger, or dismay over a remarriage and blended-family situation?

[Q] What can we do to better understand where an angry or disgruntled child is coming from?

[Q] How can we treat a child until he or she outgrows the hostility or has a change of heart? Although we cannot change someone else, can God use our behavior to change others? How?


1. Make a list of things you can do to bless your stepchild. Ask God to direct you. Make sure you’re not trying to buy the stepchild’s love, but are trying to show love and support.

2. Put yourself in the disruptive child’s shoes and look at life through his or her eyes. Write about how you think you’d feel, or how they might see the situation.

3. Make a list of at least 20 things you admire about your difficult stepchild, or 20 reasons you like him or her. Then share the list with that child, write a note expressing your thoughts, or plan to tell the stepchild a few of these things each week.




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—Study prepared by Jeanette Gardner Littleton, who has survived this situation.



Angry Teens and the Parents Who Love Them, Sandy Austin (Beacon Hill Press, 2002; ISBN 083411982X)

Help! I’m Working with Kids Who Are Hurting, Marv Penner (Zondervan Corp., 2005; ISBN 0310267080)

I’m Not Your Kid, Kay Adkins (Baker, 2004; ISBN 0801064619)

This Isn’t the Life I Signed Up For, Donna Partow (Bethany House Publishers, 2003; ISBN 0764226703)

When Your Teen Goes Astray: Help and Hope from Parents Who’ve Been There, Jeanette Gardner Littleton (Beacon Hill Press, 2004; ISBN 0834120445)









ARTICLE

My Not-So-Blended FamilyHow can I get my stepdaughter to respect me?By Dr. Diane Mandt Langberg, for the study “Battleground at Home”

My husband and I have been married five years and have a three-year-old son. My husband also has a 12-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. I feel as though I’m on the outside looking in when it comes to his daughter. When she stays with us, she’s belligerent and disrespectful to me. Sometimes it seems as though my husband favors his daughter over me—or at least he doesn’t stand up for me, as I believe he should. Help!

Blended families don’t always mix well, and your problem isn’t uncommon. Let’s think about what it’s like to be your stepdaughter.

First, she can’t have what she most wants in a family—her mom and dad under the same roof, happily married. You—more than anyone else—remind her of that loss. You’re with her father, and he loves you now, not her mother.

As a 12 year old, your stepdaughter probably doesn’t know what to do with her confusion, grief, anger, and sadness. She may want you on the outside looking in when it comes to her relationship with her dad. If she can’t have her mom there, she doesn’t want you trying to take her place.

She also may be angry with her dad and take it out on you in order to preserve her relationship with him. Your stepdaughter may fear being preempted by you and your son, so she fights to keep you excluded.

Remember what it’s like to be 12 and sympathize with your stepdaughter’s feelings. Try not to take her reactions personally—they’re not about you, but about what you represent. It may be years before she’s secure enough to have a good relationship with you.

Ask God to help you love your stepdaughter. Love her father well. Talk to him about her disrespect and belligerence, because he needs to help his daughter find more appropriate ways to express her negative feelings. Anger and sadness don’t give her the right to be disrespectful. Some books on blended families also may help your husband navigate this season in your stepdaughter’s life in a way that’s better for your entire family.



ARTICLEMy Not-So-Blended Family

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“My Not So Blended Family,” by Diane Mandt Langberg, TODAY’S CHRISTIAN WOMAN, March/April 2003, Vol. 25, No. 2, Page 36



LEADER’S GUIDE

Becoming a FamilyHow can we avoid stepfamily traps?

In the article “The Stepparent Trap,” Scottie May talks about the stepmother who said, “I love my husband; I wish I could divorce his kids.”

If they’re honest, most stepparents would admit they’ve probably felt this sentiment at some point during their marriage. Stepparenting is certainly not for the faint of heart!

How can we avoid the common traps that occur with stepparenting and have a less stressful time of it? Stepfamilies have the potential to minister great blessing in the lives of everyone in the home—and even those outside the home. How can we remember this when the going gets tough? How can we honor God in our stepfamilies? This study will explore these issues.

Lesson #5

Scripture:Isaiah 61:1–7; Romans 12:9–21; 2 Corinthians 9:8–11; Ephesians 4:29–32; James 1:2–6; 5:13–16

Based on:“The Stepparent Trap,” by Scottie May, MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP, Spring 2004, Vol. 21, No. 1, Page 46

LEADER’S GUIDEBecoming a Family

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Note to leader: Before class, provide each person with the article “The Stepparent Trap” from MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP magazine (included at the end of this study).

Every family faces challenges. Perhaps stepfamilies, by their very nature, face a few more challenges. After all, people who don’t know each other well are suddenly thrust into the same home and told, “Get along. Not only that, develop the closeness of a family!”

In a non-stepfamily, the members have time to adjust as each new family member comes along. We have time to adjust to the new roles that each family member thrusts us into. But when a stepfamily is formed, we have to get used to several new personalities at once. We don’t usually get the same amount of adjustment time as when we’re gradually getting used to a new baby.

With those kinds of challenges, it’s a miracle that any stepfamilies survive, but with God all things are possible—even building a great family and avoiding the traps that many stepfamilies fall into.


[Q] In this article, what does Scottie May pinpoint as the traps that stepfamilies often fall into? Can you think of other traps that aren’t mentioned in this article?

[Q] How can keeping our minds on the mistakes many people make help us avoid these traps?

[Q] How much time do you think a new stepfamily needs to adjust to each other and go from being “his and hers” to “ours and us”?

PART 2Discover the Eternal PrinciplesTeaching point one: God can create beauty where destruction has occurred.

Read Isaiah 61:1–7. Isaiah proclaimed how God will treat his people. Though they’d lived through devastation, sorrow, and bad times, God promised the future wouldn’t be so grim. In fact, he will bring beauty from the ashes of destruction in his people’s lives.




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In 1980, Mt. St. Helens erupted. Within moments, more than 150 square miles of trees were either snapped and knocked over like toothpicks, or left standing and burned to a crisp. The ash fell as thickly as a blizzard for nine hours. Experts predicted that the land around Mt. St. Helens would never recover, since the eruption destroyed all living things on it. They thought Mt. St. Helens would always be a grim reminder of the negative power of nature.

Everyone was surprised some time later when traces of green began to peek through the coating of ash on the ground. Now, 25 years later, you can see a few reminders of the disaster if you know they’re there. Otherwise, you see a beautiful, growing forest.

Stepfamilies are built from loss, as the original home has been destroyed. At first, when a stepfamily convenes, we may only be able to see the traces of destruction. But over time—usually much less than 25 years—we start to see the beauty of a new family being born.

[Q] Author Scottie May says it’s not always easy for remarried couples to remember that blended families are born of loss, but that children don’t forget. Do you agree or disagree? If so, why do you think this is true?

[Q] What are some of the reminders of devastation and destruction that can be visible in a stepfamily?

[Q] What are some of the signs of new life in a stepfamily? If you’ve been through this, how long did it take before you began to see some beauty appear?

[Q] How can we maintain hope when all we see is devastation?

[Q] Have you ever felt shamed because of experiencing a divorce? Have you ever felt shamed in your stepfamily?

[Q] This Scripture says, “Instead of shame, my people will receive a double portion.” What do you think is meant by that? What could it mean to receive a double portion in our families?

Teaching point two: We can ask God to help us work on the key points in stepfamily relationships.

Read Ephesians 4:29–32 and Romans 12:9–21. Good relationships include many elements, but one of the most important is verbal communication. Once words go out of our mouths, we can never take them back. And even if we apologize later or assure someone we didn’t really mean it, the words still hurt and linger.

Romans 12:9–21 gives good advice about dealing with relationships. It’s interesting to note that Paul alludes to both the good and bad times in relationships.

[Q] How would you define corrupt communication? What kinds of corrupt communication are we tempted to use in our stepfamilies, with our children and stepchildren? With our spouses? Why is it easier to say inappropriate




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things when we’re feeling a lot of stress? How can we guard against saying things we shouldn’t to our families?

[Q] What have you learned about good communication that can help a step situation? What kinds of things can we say that will bless our family and help it grow?

[Q] What pointers does Romans 12:9–21 give us about having good relationships? What are some concrete things we can do to put these principles into practice?

[Q] What are the biggest detriments to good relationships? How can we overcome those challenges?

[Q] What do you feel are the expectations for your stepfamily? Do you, your spouse, and the children have realistic expectations, or do they tend to be too negative or too positive?

[Q] In the article, May suggested that the natural parent and children need to celebrate some of their past apart from their stepparents or stepsiblings. Do you agree or disagree? Does this hinder unity?

Teaching point three: Seek wisdom from God and from others. Read James 1:2–6 and 5:13–16. James acknowledged that we will face challenges in life. What are we to do? For one thing, James 1:5 encourages us to ask God for wisdom. God won’t scold us for not knowing the answers, or for having problems, or for not knowing how to handle problems. Instead, James says, God will give us the wisdom we seek without scolding us.

Besides going to God for help when we face challenges, we can find wisdom in going to others. Not only might they be able to give us advice and help, but they can also pray for us—and stepfamilies need all the prayer they can get.

[Q] Why might stepfamilies be afraid to admit that they’re facing challenges? How can a stepfamily get beyond this discomfort?

[Q] What are some of the ways we can we find wisdom and help by going to others? In the article, May says, “Find a safe support network where you can discuss problems and receive input.” Where can we find these safe support networks? Can we always trust the advice we’re given? How can we tell good advice from bad?

[Q] Should we really consider it joy when we face problems in our stepfamilies? What could James have meant by this? Does God make us go through problems in our lives so that our faith will grow? Can his will be for us to encounter problems in our relationships?




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Teaching point four: God is able to give us the grace we need for everything in life.

Read 2 Corinthians 9:8–11. This Scripture is usually considered only in light of giving financially. But verse 8 tells us God gives us an abundance of grace in every area of our lives, “so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

Just as God rejoices in giving us wisdom, he loves to provide us with grace. What is grace? Many different definitions exist, and grace is an illusive concept at times. But basically, grace is having whatever we need at the time we need it—and it’s provided by God, not something we’ve manufactured on our own. For instance, a disgruntled stepchild may say something that he or she knows will push our button. But if we ask God for grace, we may be able to respond with kindness, understanding, or patience instead of flying into a rage. One pastor referred to “God’s ambulance of grace” that arrives just when the emergency strikes.

[Q] How would you define grace?

[Q] What are some examples you’ve seen of grace in action in your life?

[Q] How can God’s grace become more of a reality to us as we build relationships and communication with our stepfamilies?

[Q] Just as God gives us grace, how can we help others learn how to seek his grace? May says, “Give and receive grace—first from God, then from each other.” How can you appropriate this into your life?


Relationships are the best of life and the worst of life. As we seek to build strong stepfamilies, we’ll hit some tough times, but these bumps don’t have to turn into mountains. As we look to God to help us communicate and build relationships, and to provide the grace we need, we can succeed in enjoying the best of life in our stepfamilies.

[Q] How do you envision your stepfamily becoming one of the best experiences of your life?

[Q] How can a strong stepfamily bring glory to God and be a testimony of God’s power?

[Q] What concrete, practical things can we do to build our stepfamilies?


1. Sit down for a family council and discuss the expectations each of you has of, and for, this family. Then create a family mission statement.




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2. As a family, create communication guidelines. Write down what kinds of words and non-verbal communication is acceptable and what is not. Decide together what the consequences will be for inappropriate communication. Discuss ways you can communicate that will encourage and support each person.

3. Make a list of the relationship pointers in Romans 12:9–21. Choose one to work on this week. You might ask your spouse or a friend to pray for you as you work at implementing it in your life.

—Study prepared by Jeanette Gardner Littleton, writer, editor, and stepmom.



Grace for the Day Perpetual Calendar (DaySpring)

Grace for the Moment, Max Lucado (Thomas Nelson/Countryman, 2000; ISBN 0839956242)

Living in a Stepfamily (Video), Kevin Leman (Christian Family Video, 1995; ISBN 1567070477)

Lord, I Need Grace to Make It, Kay Arthur (Random House, Inc., 2000; ISBN 1578564417)









ARTICLE

The Stepparent TrapBy Scottie May, for the study “Becoming a Family”

Many couples in remarriages find the problem isn’t their spouse—but the children. One woman said, “I love my husband; I wish I could divorce his kids.”

Trying to parent those children can bring intense conflict to the entire family. So what should you know and do?

Realize: Stepfamilies (blended families) are born of loss. That’s not

always easy for the remarried couple to remember, but the children don’t forget.

Stepparents and stepchildren do not necessarily love each other. Usually there is another biological parent who influences the family.

Because the parent-child bond existed before the couple bond, the child may feel pushed out of a special relationship with the biological parent and may fight the growth of intimacy between the new spouses.

Problems may flow from unexpressed expectations based on an assumption that a new family will be created.

Stepfamilies must respect their distinctive pasts, understand them, and try to blend them. But the biological parent and children need to celebrate some of their past separately.

Conflicts over discipline can be huge. The blending spouse’s parental values may differ. Spouses must talk as spouses; parents must talk as parents. “I love you, but when I hear you speak to my son, Johnny, in harsh tones, I lose respect for you. I don’t appreciate you doing that.” This conversation must be in private.



ARTICLEThe Stepparent Trap

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Tips: Pray over every aspect of your new family—expectations, boundaries,

parenting conflicts.

Find a safe support network where you can discuss problems and receive input. You may try looking in your church to start.

Never put down the former spouse in the child’s presence. When that happens, you dishonor the child’s source of life.

Try to put yourself in that child’s place—think about the difficulty he or she may be forced to go through. Remember, the child didn’t ask for the divorce or the parent’s death.

Respect and guard parental boundaries. Avoid parenting the stepchild—allow that to be done strictly by the biological parent. Obviously there may be times when younger children require immediate parenting, which you may have to do if the biological parent isn’t available. But, even then, those times should be kept to a minimum.

Keep a united front. Avoid criticizing or contradicting your spouse in front of the children.

Money matters are business. Clarify this fact in order to depersonalize them.

Make your marriage your top priority. The best thing for your children is to see a strong marriage. They’ve experienced one family’s disintegration; don’t allow them to experience another.

Give and receive grace—first from God, then from each other.

Scottie May, assistant professor of Christian Formation & Ministry at Wheaton College, lives in Illinois.

“The Stepparent Trap,” by Scottie May, MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP, Spring 2004, Vol. 21, No. 1, Page 46



LEADER’S GUIDE

Sharing Hope and Help

How can stepfamilies get support?

One definition of fellowship is “a bunch of fellows (and gals) in the same ship.” That, in a nutshell, is one of the benefits of Christianity. We’re all seeking to serve God while we are here on earth. And since we know earth is not a perfect place, we’re going to face trials, pain, temptations, and heartbreak along the way.

That’s why Christians need other Christians. God uses us to help each other learn, survive, and grow more in the image of Christ. How can we accomplish this goal? How can our stepfamilies be part of a caring community of believers? This study will explore these issues.

Lesson #6

Scripture: Psalm 46, 51; Romans 15:1–7; 1 Corinthians 12:4–28

Based on:CT Classic: “Becoming a Healing Community,” by Margaret Josephson Rinck, CHRISTIANITY TODAY, December 14, 1992

LEADER’S GUIDESharing Hope and Help

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Note to leader: Before class, give each person the article “Becoming a Healing Community” from CHRISTIANITY TODAY magazine (included at the end of this study).

In the 1970s, Ray Hildebrand (Paul of the 1960s’ Paul and Paula singing fame) penned a song with a title that agelessly sums up Christian fellowship: “We Really Do Need Each Other.”

God doesn’t call us to live our lives alone. Instead, we’re to live in conjunction with other believers in the good times, bad times, and in-between times. Even Jesus had his 12 pals to not only teach, but to be his friends.

As we live in community with other believers, they offer us hope, help, and prayer. And in turn, God uses our experiences to help us help others who are going through waters we’ve already survived.


[Q] Did Jesus need the disciples and his other friends? Were these relationships purely one-sided, with Jesus as the giver and others as receivers, or did Jesus also receive emotional comfort from others?

[Q] How do you think life would be different if we didn’t have our churches and other communities of believers to call upon? What would be better about serving God solo? What would be worse?

[Q] Do we have to go through a certain experience to minister to others who are facing that issue? What have you learned through your experience of blending a family that might be useful to others?

PART 2Discover the Eternal PrinciplesTeaching point one: When we’ve failed or encountered tough times, God can still use us.

Read Psalm 51, which David wrote after his affair with Bathsheba. David liked the ladies. As far as we can tell in Scripture, he came from a family with one mother and one father. But he ended up with several wives. Perhaps he felt it was expected of him as a king, or perhaps it was the influence of hanging around too many people who didn’t have the same morals. David already had a couple of wives when he spotted Bathsheba bathing (2 Samuel 11–12) and called for her. When she ended up pregnant, he had her husband killed to try to cover up his sin.




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When God convicted David, David asked for forgiveness for his sin. Psalm 51 is David’s repentance to God for his sin. Even though God had referred to David as a man after his own heart (1 Samuel 13:14), nothing in Scripture indicates that David was any less acceptable to God after his repentance. God didn’t say, “Well, too bad. You blew it. You could have been a great leader, but no more!”

God didn’t shame David and rub his nose in the fact that he’d sinned. Instead, as David repented, God continued to use him. David still had to live with the consequences of his sin—and if you think relationships in your stepfamily are hectic, imagine the stress factors in a home with several wives who each had children! Some of David’s children followed his example of immorality and murder, and he ended up being plotted against by a favorite son.

All through the Bible we see that God used people who were fallible. No matter what’s happened in our pasts, he can use us too.

[Q] Have you ever felt unworthy of God’s grace? Have you ever felt like you’re not “pure enough” to minister to others? How pure does a person need to be to participate in ministry?

[Q] God called David a man after his own heart. What do you think was God’s criteria? What would we need to do to be considered men and women after God’s heart?

[Q] What is the difference between being shamed and being ashamed? How can clinging to shame hinder us from effective healing and ministry?

[Q] Repentance is necessary for forgiveness; is it also necessary for healing? What does David tell us about God and his forgiveness in Psalm 51? Is healing immediate when we’ve experienced God’s forgiveness?

[Q] Have you had to live with any consequences of your divorce or first marriage in your remarriage or stepfamily? How can we deal with the consequences of the past?

[Q] If we must fail, how can God use our failures to enhance our ministry?

Teaching point two: God is our refuge and strength—whether we’re enduring tough times or helping others through them.

Read Psalm 46. All through history, people have needed refuge, a place to get away for safety or sanity. Even Adam and Eve probably had their favorite spots in the Garden of Eden. We humans need a place to go when life becomes frightening, threatening, or overwhelming.

God wants to be that place for us. He wants to offer us shelter when we feel afraid or bombarded. He wants to be our strength when we have no emotional, spiritual, or even physical power left. And when we’re in trouble, he wants us to remember that he is there, waiting to be our help.




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When we face the pain and weariness of emotionally draining remarriage and stepfamily situations, God is there for us. When we are ministering to others who are facing a broken heart and broken life, the best thing we can do for them is to point them to God as their refuge, strength, and ever-present help.

God doesn’t just want to be there for the crisis. During our whole healing process, God wants to be available to us. We can depend on his comfort and strength as we heal from hurts. If we’ll only be still, we will indeed know that he is God. And when we feel that fact in our very souls, we have the calm assurance that everything will be okay.

[Q] What things hinder us from knowing in a realistic sense that he is God? Why does this Scripture tell us to be still and know he is God? Is being still a prerequisite for knowing he is God?

[Q] In what ways has God been your refuge, strength, and help when you’ve faced troublesome situations?

[Q] This Scripture also describes God as our fortress. Fortress indicates safety from enemy attack in war situations. Do you ever feel you’re in the middle of a war or being attacked by an enemy? What does it mean that God is our fortress?

[Q] How can we help others who are facing situations similar to those we’ve experienced find safety and refuge in God? What specifically have you learned about God through trying to blend a family?

[Q] How can we make our Bible study group or church a haven or refuge where people who are hurting can meet God and find his strength and help?

Teaching point three: With God’s strength and mercy, we can find acceptance—and create an atmosphere of acceptance for others.

Read Romans 15:1–7. The Christian walk is somewhat fluid. Our journey changes every day. God gives us insights, experiences, and guidance that constantly change who and where we are in our walk with him. Just as a child is growing every day whether that growth is noticeable or not, if we’re striving to walk with Christ, we’re growing every day.

Actor Richard Kiel, who played the steel-toothed “Jaws” in the James Bond movies, spoke at a Christian youth rally. A magazine editor who was interviewing him for a feature bluntly asked, “Did it bother you as a Christian to act in movies, like the Bond movies, that were pretty racy for their time?”

Kiel graciously replied, “At some points in my spiritual walk, I’ve done things that maybe I wouldn’t do at another stage as I mature as a Christian.”

Realizing that God works with different timing in people’s lives helps us love and accept them. As we trust the Holy Spirit to act, we’re able to commit others to Christ and to love them at the point where they are in their spiritual walks.




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[Q] Recall a time when you’ve felt like a failure. Did someone’s acceptance help you regain your self-worth, faith, and hope? How did that person show acceptance?

[Q] How does acceptance help our healing process and help us look to God as our refuge and strength?

[Q] Does accepting someone mean we excuse wrong behavior? What’s the line? Where’s the balance of accepting someone when his or her actions may be unacceptable?

[Q] In verse 1, what does it mean to bear with the failings of the weak? The author indicates that this may not be something we really want to do—can you think of an illustration that might highlight what he means? Do you consider yourself strong?

[Q] How does it bring praise to God when we accept each other?

[Q] What are some ways we can create an atmosphere of love and acceptance in our lives, our families, our class, or our church?

Teaching point four: God equips us with the skills and gifts we need to help others.

Read 1 Corinthians 12:4–28. God didn’t create people to be clones of each other, or even to be clones of one of the great Christian leaders. This passage spells this out for us: just as we have many body parts, each serving a different function in our bodies, each of us has been given gifts to serve a different function in God’s body, the church.

God created believers to be part of a community of faith and to work together in harmony, so that the body can operate successfully. As we work together, we help people heal from the tough stuff life dumps on them. We help them heal so they can move forward in their pursuit of Christlikeness, and then they can use their gifts to help others heal and grow.

Perhaps gifts are the way God has equipped each of us with a bit of his perfection and omnipresence.

[Q] What are some of the different gifts mentioned in this Scripture? Can you think of others?

[Q] Why do you think God gave each of us different gifts? What’s the purpose for them?

[Q] How can we figure out what our gifts are? How can we help others discover their spiritual gifts?




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[Q] Name a gift you think you have. How can you use that gift to help others heal or grow? How does the act of using our God-given gifts help us heal and grow?

[Q] How can our negative life experiences, such as a previous marriage that failed, combine with our gifts to provide a learning experience that will help others?


God works in our lives not only individually, but also corporately. He uses the body of Christ to help us when we feel like failures, to strengthen us when we need a refuge, to show us acceptance, and to use us to minister to others. When we face pain, we can turn to God, and we can use what he teaches us to help others through their turmoil.

[Q] Why would God want to be our refuge, strength, and ever-present help in times of need?

[Q] How can we use our spiritual gifts and life experiences this week to help someone else?

[Q] Why has God put us in a body of believers instead of letting us operate as “Lone Ranger” Christians?


1. Memorize Psalm 46:1. Lead your family or a support group in a discussion of times when God was your refuge, strength, and ever-present help.

2. As an individual or as a family, reach out to someone who may not feel accepted this week. List ways you can concretely show acceptance and love.

3. Procure a spiritual gifts inventory test and organize a time when people in your church can take it.

—Study prepared by Jeanette Gardner Littleton, a freelance writer and editor.




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A Quiet Refuge: Prayers and Meditations for Hope and Healing, Emilie Barnes & Kathleen Dennis (Harvest House Publishers, 2005; ISBN 0736916261)

The Secrets of Spiritual Power: Strength for Life’s Battles, Joyce Meyer (Time Warner Book Group, 2003; ISBN 0446532517)

Your Spiritual Personality: Using the Strengths of Your Personality to Deepen Your Relationship with God, Marita Littauer (John Wiley & Sons, 2004; ISBN 0787973084)

Yours for the Giving: Spiritual Gifts, Barbara Joiner (New Hope Publishers, 2004; ISBN 1563098385)









ARTICLE

CT Classic: Becoming a Healing CommunityHow the church can develop a climate of help to the hurting.

By Margaret Josephson Rinck, for the study “Sharing Hope and Help”

Nearly two decades ago, Gary Sweeten joined the staff at College Hill Presbyterian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, with a vision for a Christian interpersonal skills program. He enlisted Margaret Rinck to help develop a program that integrated biblical teaching on relationships with listening skills and self-discovery.The result was the church's Teleios Ministry, which equips believers to offer help to the hurting, including a sizable number of divorced persons. Today the congregational care ministry (including Teleios Ministry) has over 225 trained lay helpers officially caring for others, as well as hundreds who minister to the congregation informally.In developing such ministries, Rinck applies "a theology of failure." She cites the many failures in Scripture used by God, and she calls for understanding human sinfulness and our need for redemption. "We cannot pretend any longer that Christians do not fail."Following are Rinck's fundamentals for developing a climate of healing within the church.

What is helpful to people struggling with divorce and remarriage? What can the church do to bring healing to people whose marriages are broken?

As with most complex problems, there are no quick fixes. To help people recover from sin and failure's wounds we need to create a "healing community," a place where it is acceptable to be broken, have problems, admit failure, and where help is expressed in concrete, practical ways.

How does a local church build a healing community? It begins with, as World Vision founder Bob Pierce used to say, "letting your hearts be broken with the things that break the heart of God." It begins with a willingness to listen before we speak, and a humbleness that realizes, "there, but for the grace of God, go I."

Developing interpersonal skills training opportunities in the church is one way this can happen. Such training equips people to work together to meet needs for



ARTICLECT Classic: Becoming a Healing Community

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all kinds of hurting people, including those struggling with divorce, remarriage, single parenting, and blended families.

We found several imperatives helpful in developing such training:

1. Equip a team and draw on many members' gifts. Asking pastors to care for all the needs of a congregation limits what can be done.

2. Build a solid base of trained listeners. They can provide pastoral care and refer the hurting to professionals when problems warrant.

3. Educate members in daily living skills through classes in communication, anger management, and emotions in the family.

4. Offer support groups or small group Bible studies led by lay people. Hurting people need support systems and friends.

5. Be prepared for problems to pop up. Once people know it is safe, they start telling the truth about their pain.

6. Have a list of qualified Christian professionals to whom you can refer difficult cases.

7. Be patient. It takes years to develop a solid base of empathic lay ministers. But it will be worth the effort when needy people find hope and healing.

CHRISTIANITY TODAY, December 14, 1992



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