Creating Powerful and Energetic Sales Letters with Strong Editing€¦ · In this case, they pulled...

Creating Powerful and Energetic Sales Letters

with Strong Editing

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Creating Powerful and Energetic Sales Letters with Strong Editing

By Sandy FranksEditor, Copywriting Genius

There’s an old saying: “I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.”

No copywriter ever wants that comment applied to their copy. That’s why writers spend a great deal of time perfecting their copy; to ensure they have written exactly what they want the reader to “hear.”

At the end of the day, every copywriter wants to turn in their best work. That means reading the copy over and again – changing words, correcting sentence structure, deleting boring copy – and giving it an old fashioned editing.

And the editing process often begins the moment you start writing. You probably already know that, because – as a copywriter – you’ve experienced the torture of laboring for hours over single paragraphs, haven’t you? You write it. You read it. You change it. You delete it. You rewrite it.

So you already have some editing experience. But reworking copy during the creative process is just the first step in editing to create a powerful sales letter.

Next comes copy editing. Once the final draft has been completed, the copy is reviewed for content, flow, tone and consistency. During the copy editing process, copywriters flesh out weaknesses, strengthen the big promise and notch up the energy level wherever possible.

Last, but not least, comes line editing. Once the copy reads well, flows beautifully and is packed with energy, it’s time to go through it line by line for those final tweaks that will “add the polish.”

Let’s take a look at what you can do during each of these editing processes to make your copy sing.

Page 1

Self-editing as You Write

Most copywriters view tweaking copy as they write as “just part of the writing process.” But, in reality, they’re performing edits as they write.

Once a sentence, paragraph or thought has been written, it’s much easier to review and tweak it while the concept is fresh in the mind. Polishing an idea while it’s fresh can help maintain a higher energy level and keep the flow of your letter moving forward at a brisk rate.

Plus, if writers just slammed all their thoughts and ideas down without polishing them as they went, the final editing process would be so intimidating nobody would want to do it.

So, let’s take a look at some editing tactics you can use to increase the impact of your sales letter while you’re still in the writing phase.

Aim Your Words at Your Audience

Selecting the right language to use in your sales letter can make the difference between connecting with your audience and losing them.

You’ve probably read a lot of sentences that would never come out of someone’s mouth in a normal conversation. People don’t generally say “if you draw a corollary between…” Instead, they say “when you compare…” or “compare it to...”

As you tweak your sentences, make sure you have avoided using long, complicated or uncommon words that will confuse your audience. You want to hold your reader’s attention and get your point across, not lose them with convoluted copy. A good way to test this is to read your copy out loud.

Copywriter Jennifer Stevens says: “Write to express rather than to impress.” She recommends not only using shorter words, but also more common and specific words.

This really isn’t hard to do. If you find you’re using too many long words in your copy, a quick trip to the Thesaurus can usually net a solution. For example, idiosyncrasy isn’t necessarily an uncommon word in speech, but it sure is long on paper! A peek in the Thesaurus shows that we can easily replace it with the words “quirk” or “habit.”

Then there are the words that aren’t used in every day speech. For example, people don’t usually call their homes “places of residence”… or their cars “vehicles.” So why talk about a new vehicle in writing, when you’d call it a new car when speaking?

For example, a recent headline for Outstanding Investments reads:

A Secret Way to Invest In the Car of the Future

As you read through the copy that follows, you’ll find the word “car” used frequently. “The race is on to design the car of the future…” and “Let’s take a look at the three cars in this race…”

Substituting “vehicle” or “automobile” for “car” just wouldn’t have sounded the same, would it? They’re clumsy, and the reader would trip over them.

So, when you find yourself writing words you wouldn’t normally use in a sentence, try replacing them with words you’d use in every day conversation.

Now let’s talk about using “specifics” words. What I mean is, if you have specific information, make sure you use it. If you find that you’ve written about a “big company,” or an “enormous company,” and you know that it’s a $6 billion company, change your copy to say so. If a popular website has millions of views each day, even if the number changes every day, you can still be more specific. You can say something like “an average of three million” or “over 2 million.”

Make Action Words Count

If you remember your English lessons, you know that verbs show action. But some show more action than others. You can say the stock mark fell, or you can say the stock market plummeted. Which has more impact?

As you review your copy, keep the impact of your verbs at the forefront of your mind. If you have concerns that you’re not writing with the most powerful action words possible, you can once again turn to the Thesaurus. It’s amazing how many dull, boring words you can replace with stronger and more exciting ones.

Type the word “run” into the Thesaurus, and you’ll find a lot of alternatives that

express much more energy: sprint, scuttle, dart, dash and more. And you have to admit, saying “she sprinted through the crowd” brings to mind a much more vivid picture than “she ran through the crowd.”

Here is an excerpt from a beautifully crafted sales letter for Sun Chlorella. Throughout the promotion, they use great active verbs. Let’s take a look at an excerpt:

If you’re a lady, taking Sun Chlorella may:

boost• your general healthhelp your body • balance your hormonessupport• your body during PMS, menopause and post-menopausehelp • regulate your moodshelp • rid your body of harmful toxinsimprove• and purify your bowels

In this case, they pulled out the full artillery in the form of verbs. Powerful, isn’t it?

Beware Of Passive Sentences

While we’re on the topic of verbs, you should become acquainted with the verb “to be” in all its forms. “To be” expresses a state of being – not action. It’s a passive verb, and tends to clutter up your copy.

You can also achieve more energetic, engaging and persuasive copy by using the active voice – rather than the passive voice.

In the active voice, the subject performs the action. In the passive voice, the action happens to the subject. And don’t worry – it’s easy to understand, once you’ve seen a couple of examples.

Passive Voice: The world was changed by the dinosaurs.Active Voice: The dinosaurs changed the world.

Passive Voice: The doorway was blocked by debris.Active Voice: Debris blocked the doorway

Forms of the verb “to be”

Am Is Are Be Being Been Was Were

It’s very easy to fall into using these passive words without realizing it. So let’s stop and practice changing sentences from the passive voice to the active voice.

Example A: Easy:

The funding bill is backed by the majority leaders.

Example B: Medium:

A $10,000 profit was made by the investors on their last trade.

Example C: Hard:

The new ingredient was found to work wonders by scientists.

Now, here’s an example of how you could have changed these sentences.

Example A answer: The majority leaders back the funding bill.

Example B answer: The investors made a $10,000 profit on their last trade.

Example C answer: Scientists found the new ingredient worked wonders.

Quick Copy Tip: Turn Off Your Screenby Karen Martiny

Here’s a fun experiment – try it to boost your inner creative spirit!

I recently learned a trick to stop my internal critic in its tracks. I tend to edit myself as I write. Maybe that’s not a problem for you, but it constricts my creativity. Even as I write this, I’m reading the previous few sentences I’ve written… and I’ve already made a few revisions. It’s hard to allow thoughts to flow freely when I stop every few seconds to look back at the words on the page.

Thanks to Joe Vitale for this tip – this trick is a sure way to get your brain waves in gear whenever you’re stuck…

Turn off your computer screen! That’s right – just press the tiny glowing button on the bottom of your monitor, and your screen will go blank. Now start typing and let the words flow. It may feel a little strange at first, but keep going, and you’ll find yourself filling a page faster than you thought possible. Don’t worry about typos or correct punctuation – just type as if you’re carrying on a conversation with your best friend.

(For you laptop users, you can just use white font color on a white background.)

Once you turn your screen back on (or change your font color to black), you can edit your copy. Your words will be right in front of you in black and white. It’s a lot easier to edit and rewrite than struggle to get your ideas down in the first place. Try it for yourself – and let loose your muse!

[Karen Martiny is a freelance copywriter whose passion in life is rescuing and re-homing dogs and cats. Her specialty niche is writing fundraising copy for animal rescue organizations. This article is used with permission from Copy Protégé www.copyprotege.com.]

http://www.copyprotege.com/oempro/link.php?URL=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5jb3B5cHJvdGVnZS5jb20v&Name=&EncryptedMemberID=MTc5&CampaignID=51&CampaignStatisticsID=50&Demo=0&[email protected]

Keep Your Sentences Short

Long sentences can become complex and overwhelm your reader. Nobody wants to read a sales piece in the first place, let alone one that’s long-winded and boring.

Shorter sentences, on the other hand, can add a nice punch to your copy. They’re easy to understand, get the point across quickly and create energy.

By keeping your sentences short, you will find it easier to express one single thought in each sentence. And that’s very important because, if you stray to another thought, you may confuse your reader.

As Michael Masterson says, “One idea, tightly expressed, is much stronger than a heap of notions in a tangled mess.”

So, resist the temptation to put everything into one long sentence. Instead, if your sentence has more than about 25 words, shorten it or split it into two sentences. You want your copy to stay clear, concise and full of energy, not become awkward and unwieldy.

Throw Away the “ly” Adverbs

Most words that end in ”ly” are adverbs. They usually do nothing more than add clutter and redundancy to your copy. For example, when an ad for a diet product claims the product “is completely fat free,” it’s redundant. Fat free means it contains no fat. Adding “completely” doesn’t make it any more fat free! It’s like saying “more better.”

At other times, an offending adverb can be replaced with words that have a more specific meaning to the reader. For example, you can substitute “in minutes” for “quickly.” So instead of writing something like “Create fat-free meals quickly,” you’d write “Create fat-free meals in minutes.”

You never hear someone say, “She quickly ran after the ball,” or “She hurriedly rushed out the door.” You don’t talk that way, so don’t write that way.

As you polish your copy while you’re writing, keep an eye out for “ly” words. You can

“One idea, tightly expressed, is much stronger than a heap of notions in a tangled mess.” – Michael Masterson

often strengthen your copy by throwing them away or replacing them with more specific words.

Adverbs are often used to make dull verbs more vivid… when what’s really needed is a more vivid verb. For example, a writer may make “walked” more vivid with “proudly walked,” when using “strode” would be a better option. “Strode” doesn’t need an adverb to create a strong image in the reader’s mind.

Quick Tip: The Fiskars School of Editingby Will Newman

Computers are so handy for editing copy that many copywriters have forgotten about doing it the old-fashioned way: with a pair of scissors.

But, sometimes…

Let’s say you’ve read and improved your copy for the second or third time. You’ve nailed your promise. The words say what you want to say. And everything is just about perfect.

Except… not everything is in the right place.

When this happens, don’t cut and paste on screen. It can get confusing. Instead, print out a copy of your promo. Cut out the parts that don’t feel like they’re in the right order. Mark each of these snippets with the page number where they originally came from.

Lay them out and read them. Move text blocks around to experiment with different orders. When you hit on the one that works best, mark each snippet with a reminder of where you intend to move it. Staple the snippets together and do your on-screen copy/paste using them as your guide.

Once you’ve completed this editing process, go back and reread the results. You may have to change or add transitions. But after doing that, your copy will be much stronger. Just as you intended.

Copy Editing

Copy editing is the process of going through the document to make sure it reads and flows properly. The copy editing process ferrets out weaknesses, inconsistencies, lack of clarity and acts as a double check on the overall tone of the package. During this process you will discard inappropriate and trite material, improve clarity and ensure you have said what you wanted to say… in the best possible way.

But editing your own work can prove difficult because you’ve looked at it so often you don’t really see it anymore.

Tips for distancing yourself from your copy

Before you can begin to edit your copy in detail, you have to distance yourself from it. This is more easily said than done, but here are some tips to help you separate yourself from your copy:

If your deadline allows enough time, put your copy aside for a day or two. Even if 1. you can only take your mind off of it for a short while, the separation will often allow you to look at it with “new eyes.”

When you’re ready to edit your copy, close your eyes and imagine you’re the 2. prospect. When you open your eyes begin reading your copy. Pretend it’s the first time you’ve seen it. Try not to anticipate upcoming copy. Instead, read each and every word.

If you review your copy on the computer screen, try printing it out and giving it a 3. “hard” review. Oddly enough, copy often reads differently on paper.

Read the copy out loud. By doing this, you will force yourself to read every single 4. word. Places where you have structured sentences incorrectly will become obvious, and you will also discover areas where the copy becomes difficult to read.

Read the copy into a tape recorder and play it back. When you listen to the 5. playback, you will find it easier to pick up on any inconsistencies.

Regardless of which method you use, or even if you use all of them, make sure you check all of the following:

Does Your Copy Express the Big Promise?

When reviewing your copy, watch out for areas where the big promise falters. You should reinforce to your reader over and over that there’s something in it for them if they keep reading. That means targeting and retargeting the benefits that evoke the strongest emotions from the reader.

If you find yourself trudging through copy that has drifted away from the promise, has gotten too lost in details or has become feature-based, either fix or cut it.

Say, for example, you are selling a chelation formula that lowers cholesterol and want to talk about how the product works. It may seem interesting to you, but nobody wants to hear that “cholesterol is converted into bile acids with the assistance of vitamin C in a type of chelation action.”

Instead, bring the explanation down to the reader’s level and reinforce how the product or service will benefit them. Changing the above sentence to something like “scrubs cholesterol out of your arteries, reducing your risk of x, y, and z …” will be more understandable for the average reader.

The same thing applies to features. If you find yourself mucking through your description of the fantastic technical analysis system you’re selling, stop and rewrite it. Nobody cares if it uses a combination of moving averages, stochastics and a proprietary overlay to gauge when to buy or sell a stock. They want to know it will make them money.

Getting sidetracked from the real benefits will only distract the reader and lose their interest. So, as you make your way through the sales letter, ask yourself if you’re consistently reinforcing the big promise.

Does Your Copy Pull You Forward?

As you read through your copy, you may find areas where – even though you know the next section has something important and exciting to say – you just don’t feel propelled forward. And if you feel that way, imagine how your reader will feel!

The problem is often weak transitions. Transitions are phrases or sentences that keep

the flow of your copy moving forward. They create links from one thought to the next. And, sometimes, they imply that something important is coming.

These powerful phrases are named after the Bucket Brigades used to fight fires before there were pumpers and fire engines. Back then, everyone lined up in a row and passed buckets from hand to hand – from the water source to the fire, then back again for a refill.

Imagine translating this type of brisk movement into your copy, pushing your reader forward from thought to thought. You can do that with these “bucket brigade” phrases. In fact, you may already use them without even knowing it. They’re phrases like:

And let’s not forget …But first, let me tell you … Believe it or not … Here’s why … Just imagine this …So what’s the answer?You may wonder why … The result?How did I do it?Can this be true?

If you find places in your copy where you don’t feel as though you’re being pulled forward, check your transitions. That might just do the trick.

Does Your Copy Flow?

If you notice transitions from one idea to another your reader will, too. Everything you say should lead right from one thought to the next. Remember, each sentence should hold only one idea. And those sentences should flow without effort.

Transition issues may not be the only type of flow problems you encounter. For example, if you read your copy and stumble over a sentence or paragraph, there’s probably something wrong with it.

In checking the sentence you tripped over, the problem might pop right out at you. Other times, you may not be able to put your finger on what’s wrong with it. When that happens, you may be tempted to leave it there unchanged.

Don’t! It’s a troublemaker, and you shouldn’t skip over it just because you think you need it.

If it’s not a transition problem, you may need to dig a little to find the root of the trouble. Maybe the copy belongs in a different section of the letter. Perhaps your sentence structure is confusing. Or maybe you’ve used words that make it hard for the reader to plow through it.

Move it, rewrite it or throw it away. But don’t keep it.

If you have to read a sentence or section of your copy twice to remember what you meant when you wrote it, that’s another troublemaker. If you have to stop and think about it, your reader is going to have to stop and think even harder, and that’s where they may well quit reading.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

If you’re not accomplishing that, find another way to say it, move it, get rid of it or restructure the sentence. Just do whatever it takes… so that the next time you read through, you don’t trip over it.

What’s worse than confusing the reader? Losing the reader. And you don’t want to do that. So if you find your mind wandering at certain points in the copy, reevaluate them and determine if they should remain.

If so, you may need to spice up the copy to pull the reader forward. But you’ll often find these weak spots in your copy beat around the bush or try to make “something out of nothing.” In those cases, scratch it.

Remember, you should fix anything that disrupts the flow of your letter.

“Copy is like a pot of broth, you know. The longer you distil it down to its bare essence the more potent it becomes.” – John Caples

Does Your Copy Include Everything It Should?

Okay, so your copy carries the big promise through the entire letter. It’s energetic and pulls the reader forward, and it flows from beginning to end.

But does it say everything it should say?

Check for any claims that you’ve made in the copy and make certain you have backed them up. Use facts, figures, track record and other supporting data to reinforce your claims.

For example, if the product relates in some way to a declining dollar, you might mention the weakening dollar. But don’t leave it at that. Show a graph comparing it to other currencies. Cite what the experts are saying. Provide a table that shows the decline. Include historical performance of the product and compare it to the ups and downs of the dollar.

Scour your letter for unproven claims. In the long run, including proof will increase your credibility and make the sale.

Also, be sure you’ve shown your reader the benefits in action by citing stories or using customer testimonials. These are powerful credibility reinforcers. And even though you may have carried the big promise and the benefits throughout the letter, you should show the product in action whenever possible.

Using Word to Determine Readability

The spell check tool in Microsoft Word includes a “Readability Statistics” tool. You can use this tool to determine the readability of your document.

If yours is not turned on …

Go to the TOOLS menu

Select: OPTIONSSelect: SPELLING AND GRAMMAR tabSelect: “CHECK GRAMMAR WITH SPELLING” check boxSelect: “SHOW READABILITY STATISTICS” check boxClick: “OK”

Line Editing Your Copy

Now that you know what you’re saying and how you’re saying it, it’s time to line edit your copy. Line editing is the final stage of making your sales letter sing. It cleans up any little messes you’ve left behind.

After you run your spell check, the following box will appear:

In the middle of the box you will see the average sentence length, words per sentence, and characters per word. The lower these numbers, the better. If your characters per word run high, go back and find those unwieldy words and replace them with something shorter and easier to read.

At the bottom of the box you’ll find the readability scores.

Passive Sentences: This tells you how many passive sentences your document has when compared to active sentences. Aim for the lowest passive sentence ratio possible for the best readability. Less than 10% is desirable. If it’s above 10%, go back through your copy and edit them out.

Flesch Reading Ease: This calculation is based on the number of syllables per word and the number of words in each sentence. The higher this score, the easier your copy is to read. A standard score runs between 60 and 70. Anything above 70 just gets easier. However, dropping below 60 falls into the more difficult reading category.

Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: This calculation is based on standard U.S. grade school levels. This tells you your writing meets the level of reading for a specific grade. It’s best to aim for a sixth or seventh grade reading level. But definitely keep it below 8.0.

As you give your copy a final read, watch out for the following:

Spelling. Although you may have run your copy through the spell checker, there are some words that it will not pick up. Watch for words like:

There/their/they’reTo/too/twoWere/we’reAffect/effectYour/you’reOne/won

Missing words. When I review copy that I’ve written, I often see what I meant to write and not what I did write. So my brain thinks the word is there and fills it in for me when I scan the copy. And I’m sure it happens to you, too. It’s easiest to find missing words when you read your copy out loud or proof it in printed form.

Bulky sentences. Even though you worked on sentence structure as you wrote, keep sentence length in mind as part of the line editing process. Take this final opportunity to trim down and break up any lengthy sentences. Remember: Short sentences have a lot more punch and clarity.

Boring or passive words. This is your last chance to pep your copy up with vibrant verbs. Don’t walk, don’t run, don’t read. Instead, swagger, scamper, and peruse.

And don’t forget to eliminate as many passive verbs as possible. The more you use the active voice, the punchier your copy will be.

Repeat word or phrases. Search for areas where you repeat certain words or phrases in quick succession. Then, either condense your sentences or find other ways of writing your thoughts so they’re not overly repetitive.

Long and uncommon words. During the final review, watch for words that bog the copy down. Your prospect wants things made simple and understandable. Consider this your last chance to bring the level of writing down to your reader’s level.

Evaluate your opening copy. It often takes a couple of sentences to warm up to your subject when you begin writing. When you reevaluate your opening text, you may find it

picks up in the third or fourth paragraph. If that’s the case, consider opening your copy there and cutting the warm up.

What your English Teacher Can’t Teach You About Writing Copyby Bob Bly

English teachers and copywriters have different goals, which is why you should never let an English teacher review or edit your copy.

The English teacher’s goal is to be grammatically correct. The copywriter’s goal is to sell.

When the two conflict, give selling priority over grammar.

For instance, several English teachers told me that one of copywriting’s most popular phrases, “free gift,” is redundant. After all, what gift isn’t free?

But when a direct marketer tested a mailing with “free gift” vs. “gift,” not only did omitting the “free” depress response… but recipients actually called to ask “Is the gift free?”

And in his book “Crowning the Customer” (Ralphel Publishing), supermarket owner Fergal Quinn tells the following story:

“We have always given away bones for customers’ dogs, and at one stage put up a sign: ‘WOOF! Take home some bones for your dog.’

“One day a shopper said, ‘I don’t shop here for my meat. I go to the butchers down the road, because they give me free bones for my dog.’

“’But they do that here,’ other customers chorused. ‘We even have a sign about it,’ I added.

“’Oh, I saw the sign,’ she said, ‘But it never said the bones were free.’”

Putting Your New Skills to Work

Writing and editing are both essential to creating winning promotions. But it’s in the editing that a good letter becomes a great one.

You’ve learned three kinds of editing skills here – editing as you write, copy editing and line editing. By using all of these three methods to edit your copy, your sales letters will become much more powerful and energetic… and your clients will enjoy greater sales.

Begin practicing your new editing skills by reviewing the following excerpt from an actual direct marketing piece. Print it out and identify the areas that are weak, passive, long-winded, or need some punch added to them.

Ethanol is a FarceNow we have discovered something ten times better …

We find it painful to watch politicians (of both parties) and the President discussing Ethanol on TV with a straight face, as if it were a “solution” to the energy problem.

It’s not. It’s a total waste of time and money for the U.S. … and a sure loser for any investor long-term.

Why? Because most scientists now agree that ethanol takes more energy to manufacture than it delivers. Yes! It’s “energy negative.”

Worse, it’s dirty, and will add to pollution, not alleviate it.

And even if those problems were somehow magically overcome, our cornfields would never supply more than approximately 2% of our energy fuel needs.

The Solution

We have discovered a born-again company with impressive new management that has several strong answers to the energy problem. We feel these answers will be seen as the main focus of the world’s quest for energy sources over the next two decades.

First and foremost, this star-studded American firm has developed a novel new thin-film energy collector that leaves conventional solar panels in the dim, dark past – mainly because this film is much less expensive to manufacture, and thus

will eliminate the objection to conventional panels; the steep start-up costs. It is likely that most homes in the U.S. will be powered by this thin-film technology in the future.

Second, this company has just partnered 50-50 with Chevron to become the only U.S. manufacturer of nickel hydride batteries. Theirs will be the battery of choice for all North American hybrid cars, and they will also collect licensing fees on most batteries made overseas.

Third, this company has partnered with Intel, and is now making memory chips that are up to 1,000 times faster than current memory chips! The near-term potential is vast.

Fourth, this exciting firm is developing ways to store hydrogen for use with fuel cells in the cars and trucks of the future – without the use of expensive platinum.

Yet with all these enormous explosive profit centers, the firm has not yet attracted much serious notice on Wall Street, so its stock remains under priced. Get details on this investment sleeper in Catch a Big Ride, a special report that will be sent to you FREE if you join The Complete Investor Club in the next ten days.

Once you’ve identified the areas that need improvement, try your hand at editing the copy. You may have to go through it a couple of times to refine it, but it will give you the practice you need to begin editing your own work.

For example:


Could be:

We’ve discovered a dynamic company that has key answers to today’s energy crisis. Their solutions will likely grab the spotlight in the world’s pursuit of energy sources.

Get creative, and enjoy the process. You’ll find our version of the edits beginning on the next page. Good luck!

Ethanol is a FarceNow we have discovered something ten times better …

We find it painful to watch politicians (of both parties) and the President discussing Ethanol on TV with a straight face, as if it were a “solution” to the energy problem.

It’s not. It’s a total waste of time and money for the U.S. … and a sure loser for any investor long-term.

Why? Because most scientists now agree that ethanol takes more energy to manufacture than it delivers. Yes! It’s actually “energy negative.”

Worse, it’s relatively dirty, and will add to pollution, not alleviate it.

And even if those problems were somehow magically overcome, our cornfields would never supply more than approximately 2% of our energy fuel needs.

The Solution


First and foremost, this star-studded American firm has developed a novel new thin-film energy collector that leaves conventional solar panels in the dim, dark past – mainly because this film is much less expensive to manufacture, and thus will eliminate the objection to conventional panels; the

What is “something” i.e., a technology; a breakthrough

Warm-up

“To be”

Wasted Subhead, doesn’t say anything

What is the point of the sentence, the revitalization of the company, or the answer to the energy problem?

Passive Sentence

Passive Sentence

Passive, lengthy, and confusing. To much unnecessary data.

steep start-up costs. It is likely that most homes in the U.S. will be powered by this thin-film technology in the future.

Second, this company has just partnered 50-50 with Chevron to become the only U.S. manufacturer of nickel hydride batteries. Theirs will be the battery of choice for all North American hybrid cars, and they will also collect licensing fees on most batteries made overseas.

Third, this company has partnered with Intel, and is now making memory chips that are up to 1,000 times faster than current memory chips! The near-term potential is vast.

Fourth, this exciting firm is developing ways to store hydrogen for use with fuel cells in the cars and trucks of the future – without the use of expensive platinum.

Yet with all these enormous explosive profit centers, the firm has not yet attracted much serious notice on Wall Street, so its stock remains under priced. Get details on this investment sleeper in Catch a Big Ride, a special report that will be sent to you FREE if you join The Complete Investor Club in the next ten days.

Could have more energy here with fewer words

Passive Sentence

“To be”

“To be”

Use better descriptor, i.e., innovative firm

What “ways?” i.e. revolutionary methods

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