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Creating Community

Lawyers Assistance Program

Harrison Retreat 2011Facilitated by Robert

Bircher

Creating Community

• This workshop is based on the book The Different Drum by Scott Peck (author of The Road Less Traveled) and my own personal experiences of community.

• All quotes are by Scott Peck unless otherwise indicated

• Peck uses the word “Community” in a very specific way and by his definition genuine community is uncommon

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Describing Community

• We will be talking about community building(a process),a community(a group of 2 or more people) and being in community(a state of being)

• One definition is “a group of people who, regardless of the diversity of their backgrounds, have been able to accept and transcend their differences, enabling them to communicate effectively and openly and to work together towards goals identified as being for their common good”

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Describing Community

• “Reaching community is both intentional and challenging. The group process requires that an individual give up learned defenses and habitual ways of behaving. Through increased responsibility, risk and vulnerability of its members, a group develops into a safe place providing an environment of acceptance, appreciation of human diversity, and nurturance of personal growth, healing and self discovery”

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Describing Community

• “Community involves learning to live in terms of an interconnected “we” more than an isolated “I” .It involves making choices which reinforce the experience of relatedness and foster the sense of belonging and interdependence”(Margaret Betz)

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The Fallacy of Rugged Individualism

• We live in a culture that highly values being self sufficient, not needing anyone else

• Books and movies honor the rugged individualist-superheroes don’t need community

• This denies the reality that all of us are weak and imperfect beings who need each other

• The pretense of “having it all together” requires that we hide our weaknesses and failures and be ashamed of our limitations

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Rugged Individualism

• This effort to protect a false image of ourselves is alive and well in much of the legal community-keeping up appearances is the order of the day

• I was at a wellness fair recently catering to Lawyers in downtown Vancouver and they diligently avoided the LAP booth, even moving away from the table when they passed it, eyes forward-none wanted to be seen anywhere near the table or even picking up a brochure about “needing help”

• I was in a room full of rugged individualists!!

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Rugged Individualism

• “Trapped in our tradition of rugged individualism, we are an extraordinarily lonely people”

• Many cannot even acknowledge their loneliness to themselves, much less others

• In most groups you will see “sad, frozen faces all around you…souls hidden behind masks of makeup, masks of pretense, masks of composure”

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Rugged Individualism

• There is great liberation in finding an environment where we can be truly ourselves and share our weakness, our incompleteness, our imperfection, our inadequacy and our lack of wholeness

• I’m not OK, and you’re not OK but that’s OK-in fact it’s fabulous!

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True Community

• In a culture of rugged individualism-in which we dare not be honest about ourselves-we use the word “community” very loosely

• We apply it to almost any collection of individuals-a town, a professional association, a strata complex –regardless of how poorly those individuals communicate with each other

• In this workshop we are going to discuss a much deeper form of community

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True Community

• “Genuine community involves a group of individuals who have learned to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their masks of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to rejoice together, mourn together, and to delight in each other, and make each others conditions their own”

• It is tough to define-it is more than the sum of its parts-true community is “mysterious, miraculous and unfathomable”

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Dimensions of True Community

• True Communities are inclusive• Not only inclusive as to gender or

race but allowing the full range of emotions-tears as well as laughter

• True communities transcend individual differences-in fact differences are celebrated as gifts-this often occurs in very successful marriages-a community of two

• True communities require a commitment to coexist

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Dimensions

• This process takes time and usually requires some structure to create the level of intimacy necessary

• True communities are realistic-multiple points of view produce better solutions-this the opposite of “Mob Psychology” which blindly pursues one point of view

• Humility is an important aspect of community-when you appreciate the gifts of others you appreciate your own limitations

• Witness others share their brokenness and you can more easily accept your own inadequacy and imperfection

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Self Awareness

• Real community is contemplative and self aware, self examining

• This self examination is the key to insight, which is the key to wisdom-when problems develop communities are self healing

• Real communities are safe places for their members-there is a real feeling of safety.

• In most other groups vulnerability is usually met with fear, hostility or simplistic attempts to heal or convert

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Safety

• Vulnerability in real community is contagious, valued and appreciated-As walls tumble, fear is replaced by hope

• In true community healing can take place

• Paradoxically, a group of people become healing and converting only when people in the group have learned to stop trying to heal and convert.

• Community is a safe place precisely because no one is trying to heal and convert you

• In a community you are loved and accepted just the way you are

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Fighting with Grace

• In genuine community there are no sides-they have let go of cliques and factions

• Genuine community does not mean there will be no conflict-it means it will be resolved without emotional bloodshed and with wisdom

• In fact it is my view conflicts can only be successfully resolved to the degree that community has been created-in my mediation practice I spent whatever time it took to create a sense of community before the content of the conflict was even addressed

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A Group of Leaders

• Once a group becomes a community(which by the way is quite rare) decisions can be reached by consensus-and the possibility exists of excellent decisions

• The expression “a camel is horse designed by a committee” does not mean group decisions are inevitably clumsy and imperfect-it means few committees are true communities

• A true community is a spirit

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Spirit of Community

• This is not the way the familiar phrase “Community Spirit” is usually understood-which is a competitive or jingoistic type of spirit “The riders are the best CFL team” is by definition not a statement about a community-competitiveness is always exclusive

• When a group enters community there is a dramatic change in spirit

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Genesis of Community

• Sometimes the genesis of community is crisis-the Chilean miners that recently spent 69 days underground, troops in wars, a group that rescues people after an earthquake can all create a community without much structure, but when the crises is over so is the community

• The best known community in the world is probably AA

• People come to it at a time of breaking-they come because they realize they don't have it together, they are in need and can no longer go it alone. Crisis is a built in condition of the AA community

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Community by Design

• Communities are often created by design-I have experienced it in personal growth workshops at Haven, The Pursuit of Excellence, Mastery workshops, and a Men's group in Victoria(Mentaurs) I have been a part of for almost 20 years

• In the past religion was the main creator of community experience, but in our culture that is now rare

• We try and create a “genuine community” here at these Harrison volunteer weekends-this made easier by the fact most people here have either been in a 12 step group or have done formal personal growth in a group process or in individual therapy

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Stages of Community Making

• For that reason most people here have had some form of genuine community experience, but outside this type of group most people have not experienced real community , it is a unique and sometimes a terrifying experience

• For groups of people still clinging to an idealized image of who they are, community creation will likely be agonizing

• In general community creation comes in 4 stages

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Pseudocommunity

• The first response of a group in seeking to form a community is most often to try and fake it

• The members attempt “instant community” by being very pleasant and avoiding all disagreement

• This pretence of community never works-people want to be seen as caring or loving by telling little white lies

• The essential dynamic here is avoidance of conflict

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Pseudocommunity

• What is diagnostic of pseudo community is the minimization, the lack of acknowledgement, or ignoring of individual differences

• The unconscious rules are: if someone does or says something that offends, annoys, or irritates you, act as though nothing has happened and pretend you are not bothered in the least

• This does produce a functioning group but crushes, individuality, intimacy, and honesty, and the longer it lasts the duller it gets

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Pseudocommunity to Chaos

• The core pretense is the denial of individual differences-when these are allowed to surface it sets the stage for the next stage-chaos

• Chaos always centers around well-intentioned but misguided attempts to heal and convert

• At first, the group may try to obliterate individual differences or try and push individual points of view

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Chaos

• In this stage members of the group swat each other to little or no effect-there is no grace or rhythm

• The predominant feeling is one of frustration and despair

• At this point the leader is usually criticized or someone may attempt to replace the leader

• The problem with that idea, is usually that their solution is “an escape into organization” community is not a committee and no chair is needed

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From Chaos to Emptiness

• “there are only two ways out of chaos, one is into organization-but organization is never community. The other is into and through emptiness”

• “Emptiness” is not a particularly inspiring word of course-but it is the most crucial stage of community development –it the bridge between chaos and community

• At this point what needs to occur is to remove barriers to communication. “Until such time as we can empty ourselves of expectations and stop trying to fit others and our relationships with them into a preconceived mold, we cannot really listen, hear or experience”

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Chaos

• Another issue is prejudice, these are usually unconscious conclusions we draw with little or no information or experience of the other

• These can only be dissolved with more contact and intimacy with that person which takes time

• Another barrier to communication is the need to heal, convert, fix or solve

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Chaos

• Most attempts to heal or convert may seem loving ,but in fact, often they are self centered and self serving

• These efforts are more about to relieving their own pain, not the others

• The most loving thing we can do when a friend is in pain is to be present and share that pain-even if that act is painful to us

• The same is true with an attempt to convert-it is much easier to convert another than deal with the discomfort of questioning the certainty of my own beliefs

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Chaos

• It is much easier to attempt to convert you than it is to extend myself to understand you as you are

• At this stage group members “come to realize sometimes suddenly, sometimes gradually-that their desire to heal, convert or otherwise solve their interpersonal differences is a self centered desire for comfort through the obliteration of these differences”

• It may then dawn on them that there is another way-the appreciation and celebration of those differences

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Chaos

• At this stage leaders may have to overcome their need to control-community is a creation of the group as a whole-an authoritarian leader cannot achieve this

• “As a group moves into emptiness, a few of its members begin to share their own brokenness-their defeats, failures, doubts, fears, inadequacies, and sins. They begin to stop acting as if they ‘had it all together’”

• The other members may react by trying to heal, convert or by ignoring them

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From Chaos to Community

• In one way chaos is a process of death, or emotional surrender

• “When its death has been completed, open and empty, the group enters community. In this final stage a soft quietness descends. It is a kind of peace. The room is bathed in peace”

• At this point people speak freely with depth and intimacy and sadness or joy will be freely expressed

• When community is created -an extraordinary amount of healing begins to occur-without anyone trying to convert or heal-and community has been born

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Community

• At this point a community can go about its chosen task-the mantra is “community building first, problem solving second”

• Communities will often go back to chaos or pseudo community-it will then have to do the agonizing work rebuilding itself

• Creation of community does not mean life in it is easier or more comfortable-it is however much more alive

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