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Course Outline Welcome and How to Use the Course Video Module 1: Make a U-Turn and Recommit

V1 All In V2 All Out V3 Prioritize the Healing Journey

Module 2: Slow Your Communication Down V1 Your Mouth V2 Your Ears V3 Deal with One Issue at a Time. V4 Your Eyes V5 Your Touch V 6 Asking and Answering Questions

BONUS Video: How to Have A Safe Conversation

Module 3: Stop Rationalizing (and Start Apologizing and Forgiving)

V1 The Anatomy of a Sincere Apology V2 What Forgiveness Is and Isn't V3 Initial Clean Up V4 Clean Up in Real Time V5 Destroy Defensiveness V6 Empathy, Compassion, and Understanding

Module 4: Yield to Honesty V1 Push accountability V2 No More Secrets V3 Allow for Reframed Memories

Module 5: Exit Old Behavior V1 The Trust Formula V2 Start Filling the Trust Bucket V3 Watch for the Y’s in the Road

Module 6: Construction Ahead--Develop New Healthy Relationship Patterns V1 Shut the Shame Up V2 Pursue Personal Healing V3 Your Next Steps Bonus: No More Perfect Marriages Home Edition (4 videos)

Bonus Resources: The Marriage Playbook—a fabulous resource to get you talking deeper and having fun again No More Perfect Marriages Date Night (we suggest you start this free 6-month membership after you’ve completed The Roadmap to Rebuilding Trust Course and the No More Perfect Marriages Home Edition Bonus. This will give you active support for the longest period of time.)

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Module 1: Make a U-Turn and Recommit

Video 1: All in

Video Highlights:

• The gift of broken trust forces a reboot. First, a personal reboot in the form of surrender. Second, a marriage reboot that allows you to move from a 1.0 relationship to a 2.0 relationship.

• It’s okay to say to God, "Dad, I made a big mess, I have no way to fix this, I have no way to correct what's happened, but You do. What will you lead me to do? I'll do it."

• When you’re all in, you’re not committing to go back to what was; you’re committing to pursuing a healthier version of marriage.

• When we reboot a marriage, we have the opportunity to look at the dynamics that aren't healthy and make some changes.

• Rebooting a marriage will require us to learn some new relationship skills. These will help us not only be better marriage partners, these skills will help us in all of our family, work, and community relationships.

• When you’re learning new skills you’ll need to push through awkward to get to a new normal. You'll probably need to do that a lot along this road trip, because the old habits, the old relating patterns, the old way of communicating are probably what got you to the place of broken trust.

• When we’re all in, we recognize the need to fully engage, learn new skills, and be fully present when conversations are happening.

• A 2.0 relationship won’t be without conflict or challenges, but it will include a different way of relating to each other than you’ve had up to this point. You’ll learn to have conversations differently, listen differently, and slow down communication in general.

• When men don’t know what to do, they tend to do nothing. When women don’t know what to do, they tend to do something…even if it’s wrong! What we need to do is have balanced engagement.

• Engaging…being all in…is critical for rebuilding trust.

Connect step: If you’re ready to make the commitment, stand and hold hands, looking at each other and simply say the words, “I’m all in.” Then enjoy a one-minute hug—just holding each other for about a minute. If tears roll, that’s okay. No additional words are needed. Just hold each other.

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Module 1: Make a U-Turn and Recommit

Video 2: All Out

Video Highlights:

• In the same way that you need to be all in, you also need to be all out. This is very important for rebuilding trust. You must completely leave the thing or the person that you broke trust with.

• This is where faith comes in, and you're going to need to ask God to give you the courage to have whatever conversations you need to have.

• If you’re dealing with infidelity, the hardest part of being “all out” is the fear of hurting the other person.

• There's no way you can be “all in” to your marriage and “all out” of the other relationship without hurt happening in the other relationship. It’s a consequence of the choice that was made.

• If you’re dealing with infidelity you might ask, “What do I do with my thoughts of the other person?” You can pray for them and trust God to handle it, because He's bigger than you are. He can handle that person’s hurt.

• Sometimes the infidelity healing process may require some huge courage, some huge sacrifice, depending on the circumstances. It might even mean a job change, or a church change, or a change serving in a club or community that you often serve in, or even giving up a sport that you love, if the affair started there.

• As we rebuild trust, both the betrayed and the betrayer have to learn how to take their thoughts captive. Here’s the order that things happen:

Thinking → Feelings → Beliefs → Actions → Results

• You need to be all in, committed, surrendered, engaged.

• You also need to be all out. You need to completely leave the thing that you broke trust with. You need to leave the negative thinking behind, so that you can focus on the future and the possibilities that are in front of you.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Share one thing you’re fearful about right now. Simply respond to each other with “That’s good to know.” Then stand and share a one-minute hug—just holding each other for about a minute. Again, if tears roll, that’s okay. No additional words are needed. Just hold each other.

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Module 1: Make a U-Turn and Recommit

Video 3: Prioritize the Healing Process

Video Highlights:

• One of the things that causes the most discouragement in the healing process is when we have unrealistic expectations. For most couples who are dealing with broken trust, it takes 6 months to 2 years to heal and rebuild trust.

• The time frame depends on how much energy you put in it, how much focus you have, how much time you put into it, and the priority that you make it. It also GREATLY depends on your honestly, your humility, your ability to forgive, and your ability to change behaviors and learn new skills. There is no easy button in rebuilding trust. Steady and consistent makes the progress.

• It’s really important to have a growth mindset. Most of us have a growth mindset in the first 18 years of our life where we learn how to be an adult, but oftentimes we don't realize that even as an adult, we still have things to learn! May we never stop learning and particularly may we be focused on learning in a healing season of life.

• The healing journey requires help. This course is an important part of the help that’s needed. If you find yourself stuck working through the roadmap, don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a marriage counselor or a marriage coach. (You can find info about working with Mark and Jill as coaches at www.MarkandJill.org.) Sometimes just one or two coaching sessions can help you get unstuck!

• If you have trauma from your growing up years or something that’s happened in your past that you’ve never worked through, you may want to consider personal counseling or coaching. Messages like, "I'm not good enough,” “I'll never be enough,” or “I don't matter" are all shame-based lies. These can be a ball and chain that keeps you from being able to move forward.

• When trust is broken, it's like a bomb goes off and the carnage is great. There is shrapnel everywhere and the tendency is to want to jump all over the place and deal with fixing all the things. But you need to work from the inside out focusing on healing your marriage first. Once you’re on the healing journey between the two of you, you can focus on other relationships that have been affected by the mess.

• More than anything, right now you need to prioritize that healing journey. For the next six months to two years, make rebuilding trust, moving from 1.0 to 2.0, to be the top priority of your focus, your energy, your time and even your finances, because even though it feels like that's a long period of time in the big picture of life it’s really a short season. For this season prioritize healing and rebuilding trust, so that the remainder of your time together is sweet, different, healthier, and healed.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Share one thing you’re hopeful about right now (even if it’s just the tiniest bit

of hope.) Simply respond to each other with “That’s good to know.” Then stand and share a one-minute hug—just holding each other for about a minute. Again, if tears roll, that’s okay. No additional words are needed. Just hold each other.

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Module 2: Slow Your Communication Down

Video 1: Your Mouth

Video Highlights:

• “Talking is the most dangerous thing two people can do.” Harville Hendrix

• What comes out of our mouth is very important. We need to be aware of our tone, our words, and even words that simply do not need to be said.

• The Bible has a lot to say about our words (see next page.)

• Our words have the power to either bring death to a relationship and a person, or to bring life. We need to ask ourselves, "Am I bringing death or am I bringing life with what I'm going to say?"

• We can bring healing with our tongue when we ask and answer questions with humility, patience, kindness, and gentleness.

• We won’t have perfect conversations, but we can have better ones.

• We may not feel like giving a soft answer. This is where doing things in God’s economy helps us. He helps us do things His way rather than based upon how we feel.

• If conversations get hard it’s okay to ask for a time out. It’s okay to say, “I need a timeout. I don't want to misuse my words. I don't wanna lose it. I need five minutes to take a deep breath, step away, and then let's see if we can finish this conversation."

• Don’t take the bait. Don’t take the “always” and “never” bait. Don’t take the “tone of voice” bait. When we don’t take the bait we give grace for the words or tone that want to snag us. We instead listen to the heart of what our spouse is saying.

• Hinting, complaining, joking, and sarcasm are not healthy communication.

• Watch for Y’s in the road where you miss the mark on communication. If you take the wrong “Y” it’s okay to back up and try again.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Share one thing you appreciate about each other. Simply respond to each other with “Thank you.” Then stand and share a one-minute hug—just holding each other for about a minute.

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The Power of Our Words Proverbs 18:21

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Proverbs 12:18

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Matthew 12:36

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 16:24

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Proverbs 21:23

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

Proverbs 13:3

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

James 1:26

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

Psalm 19:14

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

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Module 2: Slow Your Communication Down

Video 2: Your Ears

Video Highlights:

• There are two sides to communication: what we say and how we listen. Couples can make a huge difference in their healing process and in rebuilding trust, if they change their listening habits.

• When we listen well, we listen to understand, not defend or debate. We listen to hear the heart of what our spouse is saying.

• The Bible has a lot to say about listening. (see next page) When our spouse shares their hurt, we need to resist the urge to immediately share our hurt. Instead we need to tune into their hurt and keep the conversation about them.

• We need to listen to understand what our spouse is saying. Whether you agree with them or not, that is for another conversation. What's most important is that you hear them, and you hear the heart of what they're saying, letting them know that you've heard them.

• Listening requires us to use our ears more than our mouth.

• When we reflect back what our spouse says, it helps them feel heard. “What I hear you saying is…”

• We need to move from “I listen to speak and tell you what I think” to “I listen to understand and to hear your heart.”

• Listening well takes time.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Share one more thing you appreciate about each other. When your spouse shares, reflect back what they said by finishing this sentence, “What I hear you saying is…” then “Is that correct?” Then simply close out your conversation with “Thank you” and a one-minute hug.

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Module 2: Slow Your Communication Down

Video 3: Deal with One Issue at a Time

Video Highlights:

• Navigating conflict is one of the hardest parts of marriage. However, conflict is actually growth trying to happen.

• Too often we try to throw too many things into one conversation. There are important things both of us want to communicate but instead of making things better, we actually make things worse.

• If your spouse communicates their hurt, simply respond with reflective listening (What I hear you saying is…”) and an apology. If you have something more to communicate or something about your own hurt to communicate, save that for another conversation at a different time.

• When trust has been broken, hearts are mending. It’s like we are actually holding our spouse’s heart in our hands. We need to be tender with that wounded heart.

• One person's hurt needs to be dealt with at a time.

• Guard against not just letting things slide that you choose to wait to communicate. Do put them back out on the table…just at a different time.

• When too much is thrown into one conversation, things often escalate and we don’t hear each other. Then we spend several days angry at each other. When we slow communication down and handle only one issue at a time, it will likely still take several days but you’ll hear each other, listen well, build safety, and increase trust.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Share how conflict was handled when you were growing up. When your spouse shares, listen well and reflect back what they said by finishing this sentence, “What I hear you saying is…” then “Is that correct?” Then simply close out your conversation with “Thank you for sharing that with me” and a one-minute hug.

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Module 2: Slow Your Communication Down

Video 4: Your Eyes

Video Highlights:

• We do so much of life side by side. For many of us, eye contact is uncomfortable.

• Stop. Look. Listen. This is a helpful mantra for remembering how to use your eyes to listen.

• When we listen with our eyes, ears, and full body it tells our spouse, “You are important to me.” You're posturing yourself to engage and non-verbally communicate, "I'm present. I'm here and I want to hear what it is that you have to say."

• If you have something you want to share with your spouse and you want to help them be fully present, it often helps to tell them you have something to share and ask if now is a good time to talk. This let’s them pivot their focus from what they’re doing to what you want to share. If it’s not a good time, they can say so but then tell you what will be a good time. Then you both need to show up for that “rescheduled” time.

• Positioning your body to fully engage is also helpful. Turning your body to fully face them and putting your phone down will help get you into a helpful place to have a conversation.

• Want to take eye contact to a whole new level? Open your eyes during physical intimacy. Oftentimes we will keep our eyes closed during physical intimacy. This causes us to miss out on the beautiful gift of eye contact, where we can connect with one another at a deeper level.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Set a timer for 30 seconds and hold each other’s gaze. Take a breath and a break for about a minute and then set the timer for 45 seconds and hold each other’s gaze. Take another short break and go for a minute. You may burst out laughing and if you do, enjoy it and then do your best to get back into focusing on each other again. Over the next few days, try to catch each other’s eyes when you’re across the room from each other. This can be a way to make some non-verbal connection throughout the week.

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Module 2: Slow Your Communication Down

Video 5: Your Touch

Video Highlights:

• We can communicate so much with touch when we’re rebuilding trust.

• Non-sexual loving touch is an important part of a healthy, loving marriage. It’s an essential part of rebuilding trust.

• Sometimes when we’re rebuilding trust there are times where words are not needed but just reaching out and pulling your loved one towards you and holding them can communicate the most.

• Sometimes words are not needed, what's needed is the gift of touch. Not a quick hug or a side hug but a holding hug. A one-minute hug.

• Sometimes we need to ask for a one-minute hug. If we’re hurting, or confused, or feeling weary, we can simply say, “Can I have a one-minute hug?” This is truly asking for what we need.

• If your partner has told you in the past that they don't want you to touch them, you can simply ask, "Can I hug you?"

• If trust was broken with infidelity, holding before, after, and maybe even in the middle of intimacy may be needed.

• If you’re not in the habit of holding hands, start making that happen. Snuggle on the couch. Reach out with a loving touch as you pass each other in the kitchen.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Hold hands while making full eye contact. Share one character or personality trait you appreciate about your spouse. If you’re the one receiving the compliment simply respond with, “Thank you.”

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Module 2: Slow Your Communication Down

Video 6: Asking and Answering Questions

Video Highlights:

• When trust has been broken, there are usually a lot of questions. Because there's been deception, one

party is catching up on the reality of what's been going on, and they're reeling and they're trying to figure

things out. Therefore, asking questions and answering questions needs to be a safe thing for any couple

to do who are rebuilding trust.

• The trust-breaker is the trust-maker. One of the best ways that the trust-breaker can be a trust-maker is in

the way that they handle questions.

• It’s very common that the same questions are asked multiple times. The one whose trust has been broken

is trying to wrap their brain around the reality of it all. Sometimes it will come from a different

perspective or a different angle. The questions will be more frequent in the early months and will

decrease over time.

• The biggest blocks to rebuilding trust is pride, defensive responses, and being exasperated at how long

the process is taking.

• As far as asking questions goes, if you feel like knowing something will help you heal, then by all

means, ask the question. But if you believe that knowing the answer to something will hurt you further,

then don't answer... Don't ask the question.

• If you’re the one answering questions, you’ll likely be afraid to answer questions because you don't want

to hurt your spouse anymore, but the truth is you will hurt your spouse even more by not answering the

question.

• Every question answered in a fully honest way rebuilds trust.

Connect step: For the one who needs to know. Is there a question that hasn’t yet been asked? If it’s a question that needs to be asked and answered, sit facing each other, hold hands, maintain eye contact and ask the question. For the one who needs to answer: Put on courage and give an honest, full answer. Don’t make your spouse pull information out of you. If your spouse responds with tears, use a holding hug to sit with them in the pain. You can’t fix it right now, but if you’ll feel it with them, you actually are starting to fix it.

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Module 3: Stop Rationalizing

Video 1: The Anatomy of a Sincere Apology

Video Highlights:

• Most of us offer only half apologies and don’t even realize it. A half apology is just “I’m sorry.”

• I’m sorry + I’m sorry for ___________ + I know that it hurt you in this way _______________ + Will you please forgive me? = Full apology.

• Forgiveness may be offered in the moment or it may take some time for the other person to forgive, but it’s important that it’s asked for with the apology.

• Both partners in a marriage need to be apologizing and forgiving. When you’re cleaning up a broken trust mess the partner who broke the trust will likely be apologizing more, however this is needed on both sides of the marriage. After all you both have contributed to the dysfunction in your marriage.

• Full apologies help to bring closure to the hurt.

• It’s helpful to apply all we’ve talked about up to this point: slow down your communication, choose your words carefully, listen well, offer touch, hold eye contact.

Connect step: Since you’re both imperfect human beings, there’s likely something you need to clean up with each other. It could be something that has to do with your current hard circumstances, and it could be something from everyday living-under-the-same-roof challenges like responding in an impatient way. Once you’ve identified what needs to be cleaned up: Sit facing each other, hold hands, and offer a full apology. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 3: Stop Rationalizing

Video 2: What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

Video Highlights:

• Forgiveness is about keeping our heart cleaned up and available to God. It's about untangling the mess inside of us that’s like a ball of yarn that is all tangled up. We can actually begin to untangle that mess one little knot at a time with forgiveness.

• Forgiveness is a choice, and it always is a crisis of the will.

• Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. It opens the door for trust to be rebuilt.

• And as you mentioned, to forgive first, I was thinking of the fact that we get to model for forgiveness, we get the pathway laid out for us in forgiveness through Jesus Christ, because He forgave us first, He forgave us of our sins, of our mistakes, of our shortcomings, he forgave us.

• If you get triggered after forgiveness, it doesn’t mean you didn’t forgive. It means you have more forgiveness work to do. Some other angle of the hurt needs to be addressed, worked through, and forgiven.

• It takes one to forgive and two to amend a relationship.

• Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.

• When trust has been broken, forgiveness needs to happen in layers. It’s not that you offer one big blanket of forgiveness. You’ll need to forgive hundreds of things—specific scenarios, ways money was misused in deception, lies told, time and energy misused, and more.

• You’re not going to be apologizing and forgiving for forever for the broken trust. But you are going to be doing it quite a bit when you’re initially cleaning up the mess. After the mess is cleaned up, your 2.0 relationship will need apology and forgiveness to be regularly used to deal with the real stuff of life.

Connect step: Since you’re both imperfect human beings, there’s likely something else you need to clean up with each other. Sit facing each other, hold hands, and offer a full apology. Choose to respond with forgiveness. End with a one-minute hug.

Personal step: It’s likely that something will happen in the next day or so that frustrates you. Maybe your spouse forgets to do something they said they’d do. Maybe they are tired and irritable. When that happens, practice an internal response of forgiveness. It’s a good habit to get into. You may find you don’t even need to address the issue with them and even if you do, it will be a different conversation if you forgive first.

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Module 3: Stop Rationalizing

Video 3: Initial Clean-up and Clean-up in Real Time

Video Highlights:

• Initial clean-up refers to cleaning up the relational shrapnel of however trust was broken. It’s identifying all the pieces of the mess, calling them what they are, and owning them with full apologies.

• Clean-up in real time refers to learning how to apologize and forgive in the moment.

• Initial clean-up is best launched with a full disclosure of everything hidden. The one who broke the trust needs to sit down and do an inventory of everything that’s been going on behind the scenes and then disclose those things to their spouse. You might think this would be more painful for your loved one, but that’s not true. The most painful thing for them is to keep making discoveries of more deception. This step can be—and often should be (if the deception or addiction is extensive)—done with a counselor or marriage coach facilitating the conversation.

• There’s also a personal initial clean-up that the trust-breaker needs to do. This has to do with evaluating thought patterns. What lies have you been believing that led you down the road that eventually broke trust? Our thoughts cause our feelings which form our beliefs, actions, and eventually, the results we get. If we want different actions moving forward, we have to go all the way back to our thoughts.

• So as hard as you work at initial clean up, there will be leftovers. You've initially cleaned up and you're moving along and all of a sudden you'll remember something that wasn't a part of that initial clean up. It's critical that you push that information to your spouse, the one you betrayed, because that rebuilds trust. Simply say, “I just had a memory today, I totally did not recall it in initial clean up, but I want to tell you about it and process that with you, is now a good time?”

• We are often hesitant to put everything out there because we feel like it's going to make the mess bigger. What’s important to understand is the withholding things is what will make the mess bigger.

• When we do the needed clean-up, we are tearing down a wall of deception. It’s painful to tear down the wall, but it’s an important step to rebuild trust.

Connect step: If you haven’t already done a full disclosure, set up a time to make it happen. If you choose to have a counselor or marriage coach present, get an appointment on the calendar. For the one who broke trust, sit down with pen and paper and make an inventory of how you were deceptive. For the one who was betrayed, this may be hard to hear so make sure you have someone to process with afterwards—a marriage coach or counselor is ideal. When your partner finishes sharing, even though it’s hard, thank him/her for their honesty.

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Module 3: Stop Rationalizing

Video 4: Destroy Defensiveness

Video Highlights:

• The biggest obstacle to the clean-up process and rebuilding trust is defensiveness.

• A real marriage isn't perfect, a real marriage is two people being perfected. When forging that new 2.0 relationship, defensiveness will stop progress every time.

• Courage is needed for owning what we contributed to the mess. Forgiveness is needed to move forward. Grace is needed for handling the harmless human habits that drive us crazy. Love is needed to respond in a way other than defensiveness. Wisdom is needed for learning new ways to respond to each other. Compassion is also a powerful tool in rebuilding trust because it allows us to walk in our spouse’s shoes. Acceptance helps us to value who our spouse is resisting the urge to make them more like you. It’s also important in rebuilding trust because you are accepting the responsibility for the hard season you’re in.

• Humility, however, is the biggest key to dialing down defensiveness. This is because pride fuels defensiveness. Therefore humility, the opposite of pride, stops defensiveness.

• If you’re going to stop defensiveness, here are some different ways you can start responding: o “What I hear you saying is… Is that correct? Is there more about that?” (Reflective listening) o “I can receive that.” This let’s your spouse know that you can consider what they’re saying. o “Thank you for sharing that. I hear you.” o “Thank you for sharing that. I hear your hurt.” o “We’re going to get to the other side of this.”

• Defensiveness is a reaction. Stop reacting with defensiveness and start responding with loving responses instead. This WILL rebuild trust.

Connect step: Take a minute and think about one thing you can ask your spouse to do to help you personally navigate this hard season. Then sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact and communicate that request. When you’re on the receiving end of the communication choose one of the alternate responses above and respond non-defensively to your spouse. Enjoy a one-minute hug.

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Module 3: Stop Rationalizing

Video 5: Empathy, Compassion, and Understanding

Video Highlights:

• It’s not easy to be in either side of broken trust. Of course, it’s not easy to be the one who is betrayed. But it’s also not easy to be the one who broke trust. This is why empathy, compassion, and understanding need to be present for both sides of this journey.

• To empathize is to recognize how your spouse is feeling and to be able to verbally say, "I can only imagine. It makes sense that you would feel this way, or that you would think this way." You may not understand fully, but empathizing puts you in the other person's shoes and allows you to tune in to their pain and to also be compassionate with it.

• If trust has been broken in infidelity or pornography, reinstituting the sexual relationship is a place where empathy, compassion, and understanding are desperately needed. There’s no “right time” for when that happens. It needs to be a mutual decision, but be prepared for the reality that it could be emotionally painful. That is normal and the response needs to be empathy, compassion, and understanding.

• Humble, loving actions are vital to the restoration of broken trust.

Connect step: Push some empathy, compassion, or understanding your spouse’s way. Identify one thing that you know must be hard for them. Then communicate that to your spouse. Then sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact and communicate that. (i.e. I can only imagine how hard ____________________________ it is to ________________. I want you to know I recognize that.) When you’re on the receiving end of the communication reply with a simple “Thank you.” Enjoy a one-minute hug.

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Module 4: Yield to Honesty

Video 1: Push Accountability

Video Highlights:

• The trust breaker is the trust maker. When we push honesty to our spouse, it becomes healthy accountability.

• If we don't learn how to push accountability, we force our spouse into a policing role, and that's not healthy for either of you.

• When you push accountability, you push along information so that your spouse ahead of time knows your thoughts, your plans, and your decisions.

• Examples of the trust breaker pushing accountability:

• Infidelity: There was an unknown phone number that called my phone today. I didn’t answer it and I thought we could listen to the voicemail together.” “I need to make a business trip, I am committed to calling you as I’m traveling, once I arrive, and before I head to bed. What else could I do that would help you feel more secure in this?”

• Broken Trust with Finances: “Could you please go with me to the bank so we can add you to all the bank accounts? Here are all the bank account logins. Can we sit down weekly to have a budget committee meeting to review what’s been deposited and what's been withdrawn from the accounts, just so we are both in the know?”

• Pornography: “I’m putting a filter on my phone and computer. I’d like for you to be the only one with the password if you’re willing.” “I’m choosing to get counseling so I better understand why I struggle with this so much. Each week after my appointment, I’d like to share with you what I’m learning.”

• So if you’re willing to yield to honesty, start by pushing accountability.

Connect step: For the trust breaker: Think of one accountability action you can push to your spouse. Maybe it’s something they’ve been asking for. Maybe it’s something you now understand would be helpful for reassuring them. If you’ve already been doing this and can’t think of a new one, recommit to something you’re already doing. Sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact. Push accountability. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 4: Yield to Honesty

Video 2: No More Secrets

Video Highlights:

• One of the best ways to push accountability and to yield to honesty is to recognize that when you're rebuilding trust, it's important that there are no secrets.

• Your spouse needs to have a master key to your life, and you need to have a master key to their life. This is part of marriage. Marriage is two becoming one. If we operate in independence with things that allow us to keep secrets, then it causes hurt or it contributes to the hurt that we've experienced in broken trust.

• It’s often helpful to examine our home internship—the home we grew up in—for seeds of independence and deception. These get in the way of us being able to open ourselves up to our spouse.

• If you’re tempted to keep something from your spouse, it’s a red flag that you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Pay attention to those red flags.

• It’s important to have a “we are a team” mindset. When we open up our lives to each other, we make sure that the right hand knows what the left hand is doing, not because somebody needs to check up on somebody, but because we're a team and we're doing life together!

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact. Brainstorm together one thing you need to become a better team on. Talk about one practical next step that you can take together. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 4: Yield to Honesty

Video 3: Allow for Reframed Memories

Video Highlights:

• When trust has been broken, one partner has had knowledge of the reality of life that the other partner hasn’t had. The one who broke trust has had a second life going on for a specific period of time. Now their partner has to reframe in their mind what’s been going on for that same period of time.

• In the case of infidelity, it might be that you told them you were at work when really you were with this other person. Or in the case of broken trust with finances, you said you spent the money on X when you really spent the money on Y. This is a brain challenge for the partner who was deceived, and they need the space and grace to reframe these scenarios in their head. They need time to wrap their brain around the new information. Sometimes this is where questions are asked over and over again. They’re simply trying to understand.

• Sometimes reframed memories are instigated by disclosure. Sometimes they are just an “ah ha” moment that the betrayed one has when they suddenly realize that what they thought something the family did six months ago looked very different in reality because of their spouse’s deception.

• If you had six months of deception, expect up to six months of reframed memories. If you had a year of deception, you've got a year's worth of memories for the betrayed spouse to go back over and to re-process.

• Handle reframed memories with kindness, empathy, compassion, humility, and with understanding. If you do, reframed memories will be a trust rebuilding experience.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact. Talk about one takeaway or “ah ha” moment you had from this video. Use reflective listening (what I hear you saying…) to let your spouse know you’ve heard what they shared. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 5: Exit Old Behavior

Video 1: The Trust Formula

Video Highlights:

The formula to rebuild trust is consistent Changed Behavior over Time = Trust. CB over T equals TR. This is where actions support our words. This is where apologies are lived out. This is where trust really is rebuilt. In order to change behaviors, we start with our thinking. That’s because thinking drives feelings which drives beliefs which drives actions which ultimately gives you results. When we work to change our thinking, we are changing the fuel of our actions. This is where consistent changed behavior begins to actually happen. It’s where new responding pattern trails are blazed and solidified. Macro changes need to happen in the areas of broken trust. However, the most important work in building a 2.0 marriage are the micro changes that need to happen to rebuild trust: attitudes, humble responses, kindness, gentleness, accepting rather than criticizing, etc.

Connect step: Identify one area where you know your spouse needs you to rebuild trust. Choose something you know they desire to see consistent changed actions. Share that with your spouse so they know you’re aware of it and you’re working towards it. Sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact. Share the area that you know you need to rebuild trust in. For the listener: use reflective listening (what I hear you saying…) to let your spouse know you’ve heard what they shared. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 5: Exit Old Behavior

Video 2: Start Filling the Trust Bucket

Video Highlights:

• We all start out with a full trust bucket. Trust is like water in a bucket. When trust is broken, a large amount of that water is dumped out.

• Changed behavior over time equals trust. Every time there is an incident of changed behavior, that is a new drop in the bucket. When you push accountability, another drop. When you respond in a loving way, another drop. When you are sensitive and gentle and empathetic, another drop. The only way that trust is rebuilt is one drop at a time.

• An apology doesn’t fill the bucket. It just puts the bucket in place to be filled.

• There are no shortcuts in filling the bucket. It happens drop by drop by drop, consistent changed behavior over time.

• You can’t make changes perfectly, but you can become characterized by those changes. Becoming characterized by new relating patterns is what fills your trust bucket up over time!

Connect step: Identify another area where you know your spouse needs you to rebuild trust. Let your spouse know that you are committed to refilling the trust bucket. (If you can’t think of another area where trust needs to be rebuilt, ask your spouse if there is anything they are aware of. Think of micro actions that may need to change like attitudes, humble responses, kindness, gentleness, accepting rather than criticizing, etc.) Sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact. Share about what it is that you know you need to rebuild trust in. Commit to making actions louder than words by refilling that trust bucket. For the listener: use reflective listening (what I hear you saying…) to let your spouse know you’ve heard what they shared. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 5: Exit Old Behavior

Video 3: Watch for the Y’s in the Road

Video Highlights:

• If you want to exit old behavior, you have to be willing to do do-overs. You have to start recognizing

the Ys in the road.

• All marriages have ruts. These are the old behaviors that don’t help our relationship. Ruts are our 1.0 patterns.

• A Y in the road happens when we approach a situation that calls for a response from us. If you go left on the Y, you follow the old ruts…the old patterns. If you go right, you respond in new ways. At the Y, there’s an imaginary stop sign. This is where you need to stop to consider your options. To the left will NOT rebuild trust. To the right will be an important drop in the trust bucket.

• If you blow the stop sign, you’ll need to do a do-over. You’ll need to admit that you didn’t handle that well, clean up the mess with an apology and request for forgiveness, and then go back and respond again in a trust-building way.

• Example: "You know what, I just reacted in a defensive way, and I'm really working hard to change that. I know that wasn't a kind, gentle response. I know it was a reaction rather than a response. I’m very sorry and sincerely ask for your forgiveness. Can we go back and try that over again?"

Connect step: Today’s conversation is different. Light-hearted. Sharing a dream with each other. The Savage’s mentioned taking a trip to Yellowstone. Where is some place you’d really like to visit at some point? Ask three additional questions about the desire shared. Sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact. Share one at a time. For the listener: use reflective listening (what I hear you saying…) and then ask additional question 1. Then reflect that and ask additional question 2. Reflect that and ask additional question 3. Reflect once more. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 6: Construction Ahead

Video 1: Shut the Shame Up

Video Highlights:

• When you're moving from 1.0 to 2.0 marriage, you are reconstructing your relationship into a healthier place.

• Some of the reconstruction happens as a couple and some happens as an individual. One of the most important journeys of personal growth has to do with identity. Shame happens when you look inward with a critical eye and evaluate yourself harshly, often for things you have little to no control over. When you allow these harsh evaluations to define you, shame is the result.

• Shame often has it’s roots in messages we received in childhood. When people criticized YOU rather than poor behavior choices, the seeds of shame were planted. If you were called names or labeled, seeds of shame were planted. Toxic shame trickles into your inner dialogue like a poison, locking you into negative self-talk. Shame is destructive because it hits us at the core of our identity and leaves a trail of lies that lead us to believe that we're bad, we're not loved, or we’re incapable. These kind of toxic thoughts can actually destroy our relationships because they destroy us first.

• If we don't deal with the shame in our hearts, we'll actually hold up the healing process. Here’s one reason why: we all have love buckets. Someone who deals with shame has a hole in the bottom of their bucket so when someone pours love in, it leaks out the bottom. Not only do they feel they’re never enough, nothing that is given to them is enough either. That’s because what’s given to them is leaking out the bottom, so it doesn’t feel like enough. This will short-circuit the rebuilding trust process if it’s not identified and dealt with.

• Most people who deal with shame experience the slow fade of unrealistic expectations. Their expectations are so high that no one can meet them. This causes them to be perpetually disappointed.

• The slow fade of minimizing is also where toxic shame shows up especially when someone is an internal minimizer who tends to minimize their own thoughts and feelings. Their inner dialogue says that they don’t matter. This is also where an externally minimizing spouse—one who minimizes the thoughts and feelings from others--can unknowingly fuel their internally minimizing spouse’s shame.

• As you consider your 2.0 personal journey, it’s important to become aware of any place where shame, toxic shame, or condemnation is playing a role. Conviction is good. Conviction says, "I did wrong. I made a mistake. I need to make a U-turn. I need to clean up the mess that I made." We want that! Conviction comes from God. Condemnation is not from God and it has no place in our healing journey.

Connect step: Sit facing each other. Hold hands and eye contact. Share whether you feel like shame is a struggle for you. Make sure you reflect back when you’re listening. End with a one-minute hug.

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Module 6: Construction Ahead

Video 2: Pursue Personal Healing

Video Highlights:

• When I'm a better me, we're a better we. I become a better me when I pursue personal growth and healing.

• One of the most powerful prayers we can pray is Lord, change me.

• When we pursue personal healing we dig into the roots of our shame. Or the roots of our emotional avoidance. Or the roots of our anger. Our passivity. Our need to control. We look at what we are bringing to the party in an unhealthy way.

• Sometimes personal growth is all about learning to take our thoughts captive, especially thoughts that fuel unrealistic expectations or shut down emotional vulnerability. Thoughts that position us for defensiveness also need to be rooted out.

• Personal healing and growth can be pursued in a variety of ways including counseling, reading, listening to podcasts, or coaching.

• We need to not only be intentional about forging a 2.0 marriage, but being a 2.0 person in the marriage.

Connect step: Brainstorm one way you can prioritize your marriage or intentionally connect this week. Is it time for a date night? Plan a getaway? Go to bed at the same time? Pray together? Pick one thing you’ll do this week to intentionally spend time together.

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Module 6: Construction Ahead

Video 3: Your Next Steps

Video Highlights:

• When you work the roadmap, there may be times you need to go back and revisit a stop. The journey is fluid.

• Your next stop is to access the No More Perfect Marriages Home Edition bonus offer. These are four one-hour videos. We suggest you do a dessert date with each video. Prepare a dessert, pop the video on, and learn together. Make sure you do the safe conversations at the end of each video. This will really help you construct that new 2.0 relationship.

• If you haven’t already, print out the Marriage Playbook. Set up a regular time to do something in the Playbook. This will keep you talking, having fun, and growing together.

• Coaching or counseling might be a part of your next steps as a couple. If you are interested in coaching with Mark and Jill, you can start that process at www.JillSavage.org/marriagecoaching

• After you complete the Home Edition, make sure you start your 6 month membership bonus of No More Perfect Date Night. This will give you access to an incredible library of marriage resources to watch together!

• Make sure part of your 2.0 marriage is a commitment to keep learning and growing together for the rest of your married life!

Connect step: Celebrate completing the course! Talk about which next step you’d like to take as a couple to continue healing or to strengthen your marriage. If you differ on what next step you need to make, see if you can meet in the middle somehow and make a decision as a team to move forward.

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Recommended Resources: No More Perfect Marriages by Mark and Jill Savage Enough by Sharon Jaynes (especially helpful for those who struggle with shame) Released from Shame by Sandra Wilson Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa Terkeurst How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray (we recommend the updated language version that’s easier to read) Do you have the YouVersion Bible app? Search for 10 Days to a Better Marriage! It’s a free devotional on the app that Mark and Jill wrote. www.NoMorePerfectMarriages.com Marriage articles on our blog: https://jillsavage.org/category/marriage-2/