Country Kitchen: Love, Food, & Fear in the Time of Corona ... · Country Kitchen: Love, Food, &...

Country Kitchen: Love, Food, & Fear in the Time of Corona(A play in three acts for three people more than six feet apart)

ACT TWO

Talent Stage Direction Line/Images

Act Two occurs in the several views/screens: B&E's kitchen, Margret on the phone, and individually inside the head's of Bertand Ernie.

Drone Footage Shows Digging of Mass Graves in New York City

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ACT TWO: SCENE ONE

M Margret on a landline phone? Or a zoom call?

Speaking to herself, as she waits for the connection..We hear three beeps...

Beep...Beep … Beep

She is having a little nutty. I sure hope they are home...

Oh Jeeze, Margret just listen to yourself, of course they are home, where else would they be? Once thing we can count on is that pretty much all of us are home about all the time.

And anyway you would have heard a car driveby, right?

Ok, now you are asking yourself questions.

E. Sound of ringing/ beeping/chirping/ cut to Ernie's Zoom webcam head...he is putting on head phones as he yells to Burt.

It's Margret, I'll get it.

B Just his voice answering Ernie, and then the images in a fast loop slideshow on his 1/3 of the screen.

That's fine, I am just looking through the cupboards to see what's for dinner


ACT TWO


Should be a quick visual joke...'cause it is about to get serious.

To himself

to himself

to Ernie

...hmm Graham, Club and Triscut,

the Holy Trinity of Crackers.

…...Four Graham, four Club, but only two Triscut

“Honey, maybe a couple more boxes of Triscuts”

B


ACT TWO


. . . and a little more pasta.

Burt's screen goes blank

E Pretending to write it down, then mimes tossing it in the trash, as he says,

Hi Margret, what's up?

M Hi Ernie, I am glad you picked up.

E Of course, Honey, what can I do for you?

M A list of fears and questions come forth. We see the first hint of Margret losing it. Ernie is quiet, listening intently.

I am worried sick about this virus. I couldn't at all sleep last night. Have you heard of something called “silent hypoxia?” No signs or symptoms, it just kills ya? I don't like the sound of that one bit. And today, someone in the Piggly Wiggly was coughing a lung out, so they probably have it, right?

We haven't had a case reported here yet, but it's only a matter of time. What's going to happen then?

This is making me so worried, I've been barelyable to eat a bite. . .

Wait, forget I said that.

Ernie, PLEASE, don't tell Burt that I haven't been eating, he will just start cooking for me. Idon't think I can bare to look at another oysterwith miso-grilled mushrooms. I don't care how much zinc is in it. Let's keep this on the QT just between you and me and, OK?

Are they going to make people go back to work and probably start getting sick?

Ernie, now I am reading that they want to re-open churches.


ACT TWO


(Yes, “I tell you what:” is the correctemphatic local expression.)

I tell you what, I have been praying a lot more here at home and, even with the increased demand, I have been doing it just fine on my own, thank you very much. I don't need my church to re-open any time soon. Not and risk everyone getting sick.

E After a pause... chuckles Yeah, I think God must be doing the “home delivery only” thing. When God gets re-opened is more in some pastor's hands, than God's.

It is different for most workers, I am afraid you are probably right, Margret. If they go ahead with opening things back up, make people feel pressure to show up, and suddenly we are around each other again, I gonna bet you that one of three things will happen:

Maybe, if we are very lucky and we have broken the back of this viral beast, and it remains broken, with just a little hump or two,it wont be so bad

Or we could see a real “echo,” an uptick in hospital admissions. That will eat up all those recently-produced ventilators. One for each patient with silent hypoxia.

Finally, and God forbid this doesn't happen: We have direct workplace contagion and4 everything that we gained over the last monthsby sheltering in place, will be wasted. We will have lost more than 60k folks. They will have died for nothing.

M Long terrified pause ….


ACT TWO


it just slides in...

Oh, great. Thanks a lot; I called you to cheer me up. Any more good news, Mr. Grim Reaper?

I beginning to think I really don't care to hearwhat anymore this 'silent hypoxia,' it can't be good. Maybe I should just get out the 410 and shoot myself right now.

E Margret, please don't say things like that, not even kidding around. It freaks me out.

These are dark days, but we are gonna make it. Your Mom needs you and your kids need you. We need you.

Why, just at at breakfast this morning, Burt was saying that he bought something called 'lean fat' from the farm store and he was goingto ask you if you knew a recipe for using it.

He bought what?

Lean fat

Sweetie, I know you aren't a cook, but now, come on, does that doesn't make any sense at all. Lean....fat?

E Oh hell, Margret, I only listen to 10% of what Burt says when he starts talking food and cooking. It gets confusing, with his “parchment paper” “poaching” “parboiling” “pan-frying” and “paella.”

And that's just the P's.

Just the P's. Get it, Margret? Like in green peas.

Margret, you aren't laughing.


ACT TWO


M You know I love you, honey but I am not laughing because it wasn't all that funny. let's let Burt do the jokes. Ok?

E A little hurt Well, you brought up “zinc and miso-grilled mushrooms,” so you know what I mean.

Let me see if he can come to the phone and then the two of you can straighten out this lean/fat question.

And Margret, no more talk about shooting yourself, OK. I couldn't bear it.

B Burt's “I'm away” screen pops up

M Oh, does Burt practice yoga?

E I guess. He has a rubbery purple mat that he rolls around on. There is usually a lot of grunting.

B Audio only spoken softly, slowly, to himself.

slight grunting and sniffing then...

“Namaste...ocean-sound breathing...long slow inhalation...long slow exhalation.... move slowly, with purpose and with sniffing, move into the Lower Tracking Dog position

(slight grunting and sniffing)


ACT TWO


sound of a fart BRRRRRAPPPP...

Whew wee, ...that's one advantage to on-line solo yoga...not at all silent, but still plenty deadly..

E Yells out to off stage Burt, for God's sake, either pick up, or at least turn off your audio. That was disgusting.

M Ernie-dear, you should relax.

He was just farting. The Brits say, he was “trumping...” Honey, you really need to lighten up, you are as stressed as I am.

How are you sleeping? You eating enough? Should I mentione it to Burt?

END SCENE

ACT TWO Scene Two: in the cabin'skitchen, small table can be captured by single webcam view. Each has a newspaper to block out the other.

B So, Ernie, has it been twenty....

E (completes the sentence)... four days under lock down? yes

B That isn't what I was asking. Has it been twenty minutes since....

E Completes the sentence I last washed my hands? Yes.

B Again, not what I was going to ask, but good job...Has it been twenty minutes since I put thescones in the oven?

E Huh? The what? How would I know when youput them in the oven? Next time, Burt, set a timer.

B You were standing right here, getting a cup of


ACT TWO


coffee, when I put them in and I asked you to remind me when they had been in for twenty minutes.

E Again Honey, set a timer.

B Has it really been 24 days of lockdown?

B Yep

So, for over three weeks we haven't had physical contact with anyone except each other. . .

E ammends Burt's sentence. Cat pics flash up

. . . and the cats

B And as much as I love them they are not very photogentic kitties. It is good thing that I like kissing you more than I like kissing them.

E Smiling and sincere Oh, Nice. I am so glad, it is certainly reassuring after 39 years.


ACT TWO


Changing the subject So, what do we have....

B Tables are turned, now Burt completes Ernie's sentences

. . . What do we have for lunch? Well, we havesome ham, some chicken, some good cheese, and some sourdough bread.

I could make two big croque monsieur sandwiches for us

and we have wonton soup....


ACT TWO


E Damn, that's a big wonton, but that is NOT what I was going to ask. , Before you gave me the inventory of the refrigerator, various menuoptions, and a giant soup sandwich combo, what I was going to ask was “What do we haveto do around here today?

I have an overdue journal review, and the problem set for my security class is already three days late.

B You can work on those, there isn't much you have to do around here.

Oh, did you take your temp?

E Yes, and I wrote it down . . .

B On the clipboard?

E Yes.

Burt, will you please let me finish at least . . .

B . . . one sentence. Sure.

End Scene


ACT TWO


ACT TWO Scene Three

Still at small kitchen table. Each has a newspaper to blocking out the other. One is the NYT, the other is the local mountain paper

B Anything interesting in the paper?

E They still haven't found the source of the leak.

B What? Was there another ecurity breach? Where? Equifax? TransUnion? Experion? Lowes? TJ Max? How many millions of records were leaked this time? Is there a number we have to call to find out if our information was in the group?

E No, not a leak of credit information. They still haven't found the source of the leak at the swimming pool. Over 2,000 gallons a day. That's a lot of water.

Maybe they could just designate the leaking area as the a “kiddy pool” and then that wouldtake care of all yellow water and those little brown floaters.

B That's just gross, Ernie

B The news in the New York Times isn't good. Albany had an outbreak, after people gatheredfor a funeral. It is really scaring the hell out ofme.


ACT TWO


Ernie, we are doing the right thing, aren't we? I mean self-isolating, wearing masks, taking our temperatures and washing our hands. I don't know what else we can do

. . . except wait.

I am terrified that it will kill me or you. Ernie, I want you to know something: if it doestake one or both of us, I think we have had a great life and made fantastic use of the time wehave had together. I am glad to be with you at the end of all things.

E Burt, if that turns out to be true, we certainly should appreciate all the good things we have had and we should go out gracefully.

B Long pause

FTA Like hell I am going to go out gracefully, not when I see how few died in South Korea. How do you explain that? Just lucky? The healing power of kimchi? 51 million people, and a TOTAL of under 300 deaths. That is .00006% compared to our 60,000 of 300 million Americans, 0.002%, dead.

E Snaps his fingers Burt, Burt....Burt? (Snap...snap) Where did you go? I need to talk to you about something that has been on my mind a lot.

Can I be honest with you?

B FTA When you get a question like that, there isn't enough prozac in existance to take the edge offthe moment.

B Back to Ernie Of course, honey. Just pour me some more water first, will ya?


ACT TWO


Guggling fish moment!!

B OK, I am listening

E I know that you are really worried about us getting sick. I don't think we will, but I am worried too and on top of that I have a lot on my plate right now.

Working on my third master's degree and getting through this semester has me more stressed out than getting through this


ACT TWO


pandemic. Honestly I have been more stressed out by the last ten weeks of my classes, then bythe corona virus

B Wait, say that last part again. You feel more stress from quizzes in your Chinese classes than from the looming pandemic?

E If you had any idea how hard I am working . . . I have group projects, papers to grade, I am late on a bunch of things . . .

GRAPHIC all screen share

B Inside Burt's head. Full screen. Very calmly and maturely.

FTA With its sheltering-in-place, social distancing, and isolation, this pandemic requires a certain flexibility and tolerance for the full range of moments shared, the bad ones as well as the good ones.

During this stressfull time, the calm and mature approach is to recognize the validity of everyone's unique perspective.

Two lessons I believe we should all learn from this experience:


ACT TWO


First, now is the time to appreciate the good things we have. And second, we should put a strict limit on regrets. They are pointless and take up valuable time from working on appreciating the good things we have.

However, there is one exception: What is truly regretable, is the fashion-challenging, unfortuante-looking face masks

E I did the calculations

B What calculations?

E • By tomorrow night at midnight, we will have spent 25 days in lock down, or exactly 600 hours, which is 36,000 minutes, or 2 million 160 thousand seceonds.

B And by tomorrow night at midnight, we will have eaten 3 dozen bagels, two dozen apples, 5 pints of raspberries (they were on sale), 9


ACT TWO


pounds of chicken thighs, a bunch of ground pork, dozens of eggs, three or four pounds of fish, five boxes of cereal, 6 gallons of milk, and easily 2 pounds of coffee.

And I personally consummed 5 grapefruit, various homemade dessert things and about 2 gallons of chocolate frozen yougurt.

Do you remember my attempt at pizza on flat bread?

You scarfed that right down.


ACT TWO


E Oh, was that what that was? It was delicious.

I think I have gained a few pounds. Maybe I could name the extra inches “Burt's Bulge” but I think “Pandemic Pounds” is better.

Lemme show you these funny things Janet shared on line:

Are you drinking more?

Raw toilet paper, some assembly required

(copyright issues?)

B Ahhh, where would we be without jokes on theinternet.

E Thank you, Al Gore

END SCENE END ACT TWO


ACT TWO


Country Kitchen: Love, Food, & Fear in the Time of Corona ... · Country Kitchen: Love, Food, &...

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