Coparenting Strategies-two types of coparenting: Cooperative and Conflictual

Strategies to Manage Conflictual Coparents

Parents in conflict cannot coparent in the traditional sense. Professionals insist they learn to get along, but often there is at least one parent who is may have difficulty getting along with other people and they use the breakup to attack the other parent and to stay engaged in a relationship through conflict.

©Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

The next few slides will teach you the differences between these two types of coparents.

There are two types of Coparents-Cooperative Coparents and Conflictual Coparents. Parents in conflict are usually Conflictual Coparents

Cooperative vs. Conflictual Coparenting

The mindset of the courts is that all parents need to coparent for the sake of the children.

Counselors recommend it, judges order it, family members and friends tell you that you need to learn to work together.

© Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

Cooperative vs. Conflictual Coparenting

We all know that we must learn to work together for the children, but what if you can’t. What do you do?

We will be discussing cooperative coparenting and conflictual coparenting in this slideshow.

© Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

Dr. Deena’s Cooperative Coparenting Definition (It is the mindset of both parents)

1. Both parents believe that the other parent has the best interests of the children at heart.

2. Both parents believe that the other parent is valuable, worthwhile and important in the children’s life. Both parents believe that the children need to have a relationship with both parents, and they will actively support that relationship.

© Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009.


3. Although the parents may

have disagreements with

each other about the issues

that need to be resolved,

they will both work together,

(even if it is difficult) in order

to reach some kind of

parenting decision. Even if it

is parenting by default.



4. Once the parents have made the parenting decision, they will actively support the decision and each other in that decision.

5. Both parents will do whatever it takes to support the other parent’s relationship with the children.


Ideal Cooperative Coparenting Action Steps

Ideal coparenting means that both parents are willing and able to agree with each other about general child sharing issues which occur when raising children.

It means that the both parents believe that the other parent is important in the children’s life.



Ideally, the parents create a plan of action together to determine whether the child will take medications, if meds are an issue.

Ideal coparenting means that both parents work together to resolve issues related to medication and medical and psychological needs of the child.



Ideal coparenting means that both parents agree to place the child in extracurricular activities during both parent’s time. Both parents believe that these activities develop their child’s physical and social competence.


Ideal Cooperative Coparenting Actions Steps

Ideally, if issues come up, coparents work together, as much as possible to agree on schooling, bedtime, homework, medication, clothing issues and activities...


Ideal Cooperative Coparenting Actions Steps

For example, ideally parents would talk freely about a child’s homework or school issues. They would meet with the teacher to figure out what they were going to do to help the child with academics, or behavioral issues.


What If Cooperative Coparenting Doesn’t Work?

Approximately 25% – 35% of the parents involved in child custody cases cannot cooperatively coparent.

These cases are identified as high conflict cases.


Defining A High Conflict Case

We have found that high conflict occurs

when one or both of the parents involved

in the conflict cannot or will not

let go of their marital battle or marital relationship.

Frequent intervention by the court is necessary

because the family’s adjustment is constantly being

disrupted.


High Conflict Love

In high conflict, we have a saying:

Love is like a butterfly . . .

If you love something, let it go, and if it doesn’t come back. . .

Hunt it down and kill it!. . .


Dr. Deena’s Conflictual Coparenting Definition (It is a different mindset of one or both parents)

One or both parents believe that:

1.The other parent does not have the best interests of the children at heart (as their primary focus).

2.The other parent has fundamental character flaws, parental deficiencies, a personality disorder, or substance abuse issues that interferes with their parenting ability.


Deena’s Conflictual Coparenting Definition

(It is the mindset of one or both parents)

3. The other parent is detrimental to the children. One

or both believe that the other parent should not have an

active, supportive relationship with the children

because it will damage them.

One or both parents believe that:


Dr. Deena’s Conflictual Coparenting Definition (It is the mindset of one or both parents)

4. They need the assistance of the court professionals to help them make child sharing decisions.

But once the recommendations or orders have been made, one or both of the parents may actively sabotage the court order and badmouth the professionals who worked on the child sharing plans.


Dr. Deena’s Conflictual Coparenting Definition(It is the mindset of one or both parents)

5. One or both parents continues to undermine the other parent’s relationship with the children, believing that they have to protect the children from that parent, by taking away time or getting the courts to determine the other parent is unfit.


Identifying a High Conflict Case

• Frequent court litigation;

• Physical violence, intimidation or stalking between the parents or children, or one or both parents allege abuse of some kind;

• Chronic co-parenting difficulties, (even over minor issues);



• One/both parents seem unable to protect the children from the conflict;

• One/both parents encourage the children to take sides;

• One/both parents seem unable to separate the children’s needs from their own issues of hurt and anger;



• One/both parents refuse to share the children with the other parent;

• One/both parents seem unable to move away from the conflict;

• One/both parents cannot build a new life away from the other parent;



• One/both parents may have been represented by several attorneys;

• One/both parents have earned a negative reputation with

the court for being very difficult.


Two Ways To End The Conflict

1. Disconnect from the other parent

2. Learn to connect “with” their children. If you are still connected to or upset by the other parent, then it is light’s on, no one is home for the children.

Parents need to learn how to:

Characters drawn by Dr. Suess


High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program

Hi, I’m Dr. Deena Stacer. I teach the High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program in San Diego.

I was in a high conflict breakup myself (for seven years) and have three grown children who were part of my custody fight.


I’ve been teaching this as a live program in San Diego since 1997. And now, I have translated this class online for you to participate without leaving your home.

My Credentials

I have teaching credentials ranging from Kindergarten through College. I have a Bachelors of Science in Child Development, a Masters in Counseling and Leadership and a Ph.D. in Psychology.


I have worked with over 5000 high conflict parents and many of their children. I have mediated over 850 divorces. I mostly mediate highly conflictual cases now.

The High Conflict Intervention Program

I teach parents how to navigate through the court system, how to disengage from the fight with the other parent and how to protect the children from permanent emotional damage that often occurs from chronic conflict.


Because of my experiences, I’ve learned a lot of great strategies to help parents get out of conflict.

To learn how to end conflict with the other parent, go to www.ParentsInConflict.com/courses.

Coparenting Strategies-two types of coparenting: Cooperative and Conflictual

Education

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