“Using Consultation to Find Happier and More Stable

Marriages”Part I

Ron Shigeta PhD

Stephen Vaccaro

Anna Shigeta MFT

I. What Can Science Teach us about Marriage?

Why Study Divorce?

Research as Collective Experience

What Are Conflicts Like? a page of Wodehouse

I reached for the umbrella and hat and was heading for the open spaces when I heard Jeeves give that soft cough of his and, turning, saw that a shadow was about to fall on what had been a day of joyous reunion. In the eye which he was fixing on me I detected the auntlike gleam which always means that he disapproves of something, and when he said in a soupy tone of voice “Pardon me, sir, but are you proposing to enter the Ritz Hotel in that hat?” I knew that the time had come when Bertram must show that iron resolution of his which has been so widely publicized.

In the matter of head-joy Jeeves is not in tune with modern progressive thought, his attitude being best described, perhaps, as hidebound, and right from the start I had been asking myself what his reaction would be to the blue Alpine hat with the pink feather in it which I had purchased in his absence. Now I knew. I could see at a g. that he wanted no piece of it and that the picture rising before his eyes of the young master parading London’s West End with it perched on his bean was plainly one that he viewed with concern and looked askance at.

I, in sharp contradistinction, was all for this Alpine Lid. With me, when I saw it in the shop, it had been a case of love at first sight. I was prepared to concede that it would have been more suitable for rural wear, but against this had to be set the fact that it unquestionably lent a diablerie to my appearance that needs all the diablerie it can get. In my voice, therefore, as I replied, there was a touch of steel.

“Yes, Jeeves, I am.”“Very good, sir.”“You don’t like this hat?”“No, sir.”“Well, I do,” I said rather cleverly, and went out with it tilted just that merest shade over the left eyebrow which makes all

the difference.

[PG Wodehouse, “Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves” p 16]

What Are Conflicts Like? Mostly beneath the surface

“Pardon me, sir, but are you proposing to enter the Ritz Hotel in that hat?”

“Yes, Jeeves, I am.”“Very good, sir.”“You don’t like this hat?”“No, sir.”“Well, I do,”

soft cough

What are our Conflicts?

Humanity shares just about all these topics. We are one in our differences…

Fowers and Olsen, “Predicting Marital Success with PREPARE”J Mar Fam Ther. 1986 12(4) 403-413.

Classic Gottman Experiment

Gottman, J. M., (1993) The roles of conflict engagement, escalation or avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61, 6-15.

?

Microexpressions: Paul Eckman “Emotions Revealed”

Affect: What do we really think? Microexpressions show part of

our truer feelings

Gottman, J. M., (1993) The roles of conflict engagement, escalation or avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61, 6-15.

Following the internal feelings of the couple while

experiencing differences was far

more important than following what

was being said.

What Does Diversity Look Like In Marriages?

Gottman, J. M., (1993) The roles of conflict engagement, escalation or avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61, 6-15.

Fight or Flight

Stress from emotional distance can be habit forming and erode the relationship and health

“Cascade” Divorce Model• Conflicts happen for all couples.• Marriages need satisfactory resolution for

differences.• Different styles of conflict resolution may

appear.• Eventually caustic emotions can erode even

very strongly bonded couples.• Marriages grow with a regular influx of

emotional support and trust.

Contempt

Criticism

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

How to Invest in your marriage

• 5:1 positive vs. negative interactions can protect a marriage against tests and differences.

• Developing habits to rely on each other (turning toward).

• Invest in Marriage by listening to your spouse and trying their ideas.

• Growing together through shared interests is useful.

Beginning and Master Couples

• Reading the situation with emotional intelligence and intimate knowledge of spouse.

• Mutual patience and understanding.

• Profound understanding of each others psycho emotional past/constitution.

You can hear the “Sanctity of Marriage” episode in its entirety at ThisAmericanLife.org