Connor Fancy

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CONNORFANCY “Look at all the white space” December 2012

description

A magazine about Connor Simpson, just because.

Transcript of Connor Fancy

Page 1: Connor Fancy

CONNORFANCY

“Look at all the white space” December  2012

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EDITORIALTEAMpatrick  callbeck

josh  coles

timothy  cullen

garrett  curley

brian  mason

sarah  macdonald

jeff  mcguigan

kate  mckenna

sarah  simpson

jillian  stewart

laura  stewart

DECEMBER  2012

~Connor  Fancy  is  a  current  affairs  magazine  dedicated  to  bringing  

you  the  best  in  Aftermath  Crew  

fanlit,  mid-­aughties  hair,  Charlotte-­

town  geo-­politics,  and  millenial  

~

PLUS

KEPPOCH  vs  KEPPOCHthere  can  only  be  one

NEW  YORK:  THE  BEST  PLACE  I’VE  NEVER  BEEN

CONNOR’S  HOLIDAY  CALENDAR

HOUSE  OF  CONNORfashion  through  the  ages

LETTERS  TO  THE  EDITORsome  people  are  fond  of  Connor

AND  FINALLY

a  cartographic  representation  of  

Connor’s  exploits  around  

Charlottetown

CONNORFANCY

DOOMED.

EXPOSED.

             News  &  stuff        |      Photos        |      Reviews      |      Sports      |    &  GIFs!      |      so  many  GIFs      |      Twitter        |      Girls  of  legal  age      

                                           

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor:

I’ve been following Connor since he since he wrote for his university paper and I was thrilled when he started to write for the Atlantic wire. He is probably without a doubt the coolest and sexiest of the weekend writers...But I was super disappointed when I read his !rst article. His byline doesn’t include a shirtless photo of him! At !rst I thought this must be a mistake, and I waited desperate-ly for the next article. But to no avail. Someone needs to correct this. You’re depriving the entire female population of experiencing the dual pleasure of his beauty, along with his sparkling wit in his articles.

Sincerely too-covered-up in Victoria. (King’s Class of ‘13)

Dear Editor,

I’m so glad this magazine exists. I had been planning on making one ever since I met Connor but thissaves me time. In my magazine, I had intended to include a centrefold of Con-nor in the nude, but I couldn’t !nd any photos, even a"er asking a couple of his friends -they were decidedly unhelpful. Couldyou direct me to some, Editor?

I was also intending to include, in my magazine, a feature article describing in detail everything I !ndsexy about Connor. Since I don’t want to steal this lovely magazine’s thunder, do you mind if I justrecreate the main points of the article here? I’ll try to be brief.

Connor.

Damn.

I know you don’t know me that well. We’ve only met twice. #e !rst time, all I really remember is yoursexy horn-rimmed glasses, and our mutual failure at old-school Nintendo. I don’t even remember whatwe talked about. It doesn’t matter. You stole my heart.

Our second encounter was in a cof-feeshop. We actually talked. Okay, I’ll be honest. I don’t rememberwhat we talked about that time either. But I’ll tell you why. It’s because as you spoke, I couldn’t concentrate on your words. All I could concentrate on...was you.

Your dimpled chin, reminding me of a young, hot, pre-Pulp Fiction John Travol-ta, distracted me.

Your endearing and also incredibly sexy gap between your front teeth only got me thinking if I could !tthe tip of my tongue in there.

Your hair, like rich, seared terra-cotta, which might be a thing I just made up, absorbed me. I wantedto make a blanket out of it, I wanted to cozy up inside this hair-blanket, and I wanted to smell its deep,dark tones.

Your scru$, just the perfect amount to nuzzle my face against if I have an itch, but not too much tocause a rash, excited me beyond belief.

Your eyes, sepia-toned and twinkling like a sexy reindeer, sucked me in.

I’m sorry I don’t remember what we talked about.

But who could blame me? Oh Connor.

You deserve a million magazines about you.

Forever yours,

Lillianne Cadieux-Shaw (BJ’13, UKC)

Editor:

#ank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you for FINALLY publishing a magazine with sub-ject matter worth reading about.Connor Simpson: A god among mere mortals.

When I !rst heard his name slip from between the red lips of his former %ame (they made out once), I knew…

I knew this was a man not only pro!cient in the sultry art of pleasing a woman physically, but one whose conversational prowess would leave the mind pulsing with “rhythmic contractions… charac-terized by an intense sensation of pleasure” (Sourced from

Wikipedia’s entry on orgasms, had to look up what an orgasm is supposed to feel like).

If Connor were to read this letter and was maybe kind of interest-ed in helping this reader !nd out what an orgasm actually feels like, he could contact the reader at the following phone number (902) 489-2403. She is %exible in terms of her schedule and she is also looking into taking some Pilates classes in the hope that she will be able to touch her toes in the New Year.

EmmaUniversity of King’s CollegeBachelor of JournalismClass of 2013

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AREA MAN GOES ON DATEReporters received an anonymous tip that Charlottetown man Connor Simpson went on a date to Ise’s Sports Bar last night. Simpson has a long his-tory of chatting with bitties on Face-book, and it appears that this date was the product of one such internet con-nection.

#e date allegedly started at approxi-mately 6:00pm, when the female com-panion picked Connor up at his moth-er’s home in Charlottetown, wearing Uggs, Lulus, and a Stay Golden hood-ie. She was driving an orange Sun-!re, with an adorable bumper sticker which read “Life’s a Beach and I’m Just Playing in the Sand!”

Sources say that Simpson’s compan-ion, whose name cannot be released, was approximately 19 years old, and largely unremarkable, though

onlookers say that Simpson appeared to enjoy her company. Ise’s bartender Sam Murphy told reporters that Simp-son “de!nitely got a rise out of her, if you know what I mean.”

#e pair spent the evening eating piz-za, chicken wings, and mozza sticks (salad for her), and watching UFC. Simpson was overheard by Ise’s sta$ trying to explain the signi!cance of the match to his date. He soon became frusterateddto stop talking a"er she ruined a key moment in the match when she demanded that he look at more iPhone photos of her new kitty.

Sherwood native and Ise’s patron An-drew Cutcli$e says he overheard some of the couple’s conversation at the bar.

“He asked her if she’d ever heard of Gawker. She said no. #e conversation died out pretty soon a"er that.”

#e pair le" separately at approxi-mately 9:00pm.

When asked about whether there would be a second date, Simpson told Connor Fancy, “De!nitely, yes.” How-ever, there is still no comment from the date on whether or not a follow-up is in the works. It remains to be seen whether this relationship is an impen-etrable one, if you know what I mean.

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While Bono may have intro-ducted the trend to the world, Connor has been perpetuating the style here in Charlotte-town. Never backing down from a fashion statement, Simpson can commonly be found donning a pair of sun-nies at the party.

I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES INSIDE

While everyone’s favourite fash-ionisto (is that right?) now sports the nicest threads mon-ey can buy on the Island - and

sometimes Halifax! - this wasn’t always the case. Drawing inspiration from a host of in%uences, including those who simply bought the clothes for him, let’s take a look back on the evolution of Connor’s style.

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opposite page, le" to right: Connor drawing inspiration from television, safety !rst, boldly matching hair to apparel. this page, clockwise: getting touch with his feminine side, and subequently his masculine side, television playing another part in fashion, short tie/long jacket, and striking a pose.

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January 1st, 2013: Get Your Mom to Pick You Up at a Bar at 3am Day January 2nd, 2013: Fall Asleep Cuddling McDonald’s Day January 3rd, 2013: Watch Wrestling Instead of Socializing With Your Friends Day January 4th, 2013: Throw Up in a Friend’s Sink Day January 5th, 2013: Get Robbed in the Safest Town Ever Day January 6th, 2013: Talk About a Sports Team as if You are a Member of the Team Day January 7th, 2013: Shop for Apartments in a City Where You Don’t Even Live Day January 8th, 2013: Talk About Watching “The Wire” Day January 9th, 2013: Make Ironic GIFs Day January 10th, 2013: Only Type, Don’t Talk Day January 11th, 2013: Watch a Puppy Livestream Day January 12th, 2013: Spend All Afternoon Shopping Online for Pants Day January 13th, 2013: Make a Comparison Between One or More Sitcoms Day January 14th, 2013: Get ‘Chos with Your Bros Day January 15th, 2013: Make a Veronica Mars Reference Day January 16th, 2013: Obsess About a Bittie, But Only for One Day Day January 17th, 2013: Make Current Events GIFs Day January 18th, 2013: Comment on a Good Female Friend’s Appearance Day January 19th, 2013: Live Tweet a Show Marketed Towards 16-Year-Old Girls Day January 20th, 2013: Talk About How Awesome Brighton is Day January 21st, 2013: Talk About Your Cottage Day January 22nd, 2013: Fall Down Your Stairs Day (Night) January 23rd, 2013: Ask the Internet to Bring You Food Day January 24th, 2013: Drive Into a Stationary Object Day January 25th, 2013: Complain About Not Going to the Beach Day January 26th, 2013: Make GIFs Again and Then Force Them on Your Friends Day January 27th, 2013: Talk About a Girl You Might Make Out With Day January 28th, 2013: Somehow Complain About How Your Mother Makes You Amazing Food Day January 29th, 2013: Lil’ Orbits Day January 30th, 2013: Publicly Hate a Movie That Everyone Loves Day January 31st, 2013: Shamelessly Gossip Day

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Pictured here with her brother (in the

forefront), Sarah was all smiles growing up, while

Connor’s big lip got in the way of daily routine.

“ ”He’s an almost-adult who cares about wrestling and organizes his comics. Nobody ever listened to me.

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Life with Connorone women’s life with a surly, gullible, and poorly named little brother

For !ve years I lived an enchanted life: two doting parents, one large bedroom, one large playroom, all the attention, all the time.

I don’t remember them telling me it was going to change but I remember when the change started. #ey turned my playroom into a nursery. #is was cool ‘cause I was !ve and now I had a special-ized playroom, maybe next month we could make it a classroom for when we got bored of playing house and wanted to play school. People seemed to ask my opinion frequently about this new baby that was coming, and seemed to take my answers very seriously. #is was espe-cially evident when discussing my chosen name for my new brother or sister, which was Jaguar, no matter what the sex. Unimpressed was an understatement when they chose another name without even consulting me. I maintain that had Connor Ben been named Jaguar he would be signi!cantly cooler. I had my work cut out for me.

Turned out I wasn’t allowed to treat him like my doll so he wasn’t very useful to me, he was amusing though. His dramatic lower lip when pouting was a constant source of entertainment. He %ip %opped on hockey teams a lot, picking a new one almost weekly with not a care in the world whether or not they were expan-sion teams. Much to the horror of my father and me, he settled on the Maple Leafs for years, until the New York obses-sion took hold.

He started developing his dance skills early. He would dance in the kitchen for anyone visiting, or just for the family and would o"en practice for everyone in Charlottetown at PEI Senators games.

His specialty was Cotton Eye Joe, his legs would move very quickly, Riverdance style, while his upper body remained very still. It was a sight. If there were a video it would be viral, no question. Alas, it was the 90s so it lives only in the memory of witnesses.

A"er the hockey team debacle and the dedication to Irish Dance, I took it upon myself to try and make sure he was devel-oping well rounded interests. My friends and I sacri!ced by playing his Bash Brothers Back Alley Street Hockey game o"en so that he wouldn’t waste too much time on it. Music was an issue, especially when someone gave him a mini keyboard and he and Matthew Perry would follow us around a"er school playing the same 8 beat sequence over and over.

Ask any of my friends, they will still be able to hum the beat. We took action by stealing his Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys CDs and made up routines so that he wouldn’t listen to them, and later we hid his Linkin Park CD and replaced it with Get Up Kids, that one was for his own good. Pokemon and wrestling were losing battles especially when such things were not discouraged by the parents. Now he’s an almost-adult who cares about wrestling and organizes his comics. No-body ever listened to me.

Christmas was a magical time for Con-nor. It’s still when he really shines. While I was never one for “make believe” or “imagination” Connor believed in it all until an age I will not disclose, but trust me, it was late. #ere were even occur-rences where someone must have been tired and le" evidence that would lead the majority of people to a harsh reality, not Connor; he took it as a sign that he was

special if receipts or packaging were le" behind. Maybe that’s why there was o"en a lack of balance under our tree...but we won’t go there. Even now, at the age of 23, he still wakes up at 4 am to open presents. No joke. If anyone would like to trade places this Christmas, or rent me a room, just send me pricing and an address.

All in all he’s really come around; except for the Christmas morning issue. He doesn’t leave his room much, he’s still the favorite and still sticks out his bottom lip to get what he wants but he’s de!nitely more useful. When I sent a one line email asking if he could recommend some good blogs to read, he wrote back with a two page description of blogs and an exten-sive list of every blog that exists (as far as I can tell) and why I should read them. It’s still on my to-do list but I’ll get to it. I was relieved when he !nally found his way o$ the island, didn’t die in New York and managed to get a job out of it. Some peo-ple claiming to be his friends asked me to write this piece, so he’s got some of those, and they seem to enjoy him. I think I did a pretty good job, just imagine if his name was Jaguar.

                                                         SARAH  SIMPSON

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COLD KEPPOCH WARA report from the front by Connor Fancy war correspondent Timothy Cullen

“From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an iron curtain has descended across the Continent. Behind that line lie all the capitals of the

ancient states of Central and Eastern Europe. Warsaw, Berlin, Prague, Vien-na, Budapest, Belgrade, Bucharest and So!a, all these famous cities and the

populations around them lie in what I must call the Soviet sphere, and all are subject in one form or another, not only to Soviet in%uence but to a very high

and, in some cases, increasing measure of control from Moscow.”

#ose enduring words – from one of Winston Churchill’s most famous speeches – are as poignant in Prince Edward Island today as when they were spoken in Fulton, Missouri in 1946; for an iron curtain hath cle" the idyllic hamlet of Keppoch in twain.

On the Eastern side lie all the cottag-es of the ancient families of Spinna-ker Drive and Owen Lane. Cullen, MacEachern, Coady, Ready, O’Ro-urke, Armstrong, and Peppin, all of these famous patriarchs/matriarchs and the descendents around them lie in what must be called the Paton sphere, and all are subject in one form or another, not only to Paton in%uence but to a very high and, in some cases, increasing measure of control from Paton Compound atop Lobster Point.

On the Western side, capitalist icon-oclasts with names like Ledwell, Simpson, Prowse, DeBlois, Tweel, Hyndman, Mayne, Dumont, and Currie are profoundly alarmed and disturbed by the pressure being exert-ed by the Patons to change the name of Trout Point to Barnacle Cape. #e move is clearly part of a Paton strategy to encroach upon Western democ racy and build up a pro-Pa-ton area in the West Keppoch zone.

thus o"en hears news from the other side – that West Keppochers were going to %oat David Hasselho$ over to East Keppoch for a peace concert, but the goodwill gesture was rebu$ed once East Keppochers found out they were going to send him on that god-awful ra" of theirs. I mean the thing is essentially a bunch of black plastic cubes. We in East Keppoch have this gorgeous wooden ra" already. Why would we want that piece-of-crap West Keppoch ra" on our beach? What a freakin’ eyesore.

I guess without a concert the two Kep-pochs will remain divided for the time being. Maybe Robert Ghiz can bring the two sides together with a rous-ing speech à la Ronald Reagan and “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Until that happens, this reporter re-mains optimistic that the Charlotte-town Yacht Club will turn out in full force to form a blockade preventing the Paton Family from installing bal-listic missiles on St. Peter’s Island.

Paton sympathizers are known to re-name promontories, particularly peninsulas, for crustaceans just pri-or to annexation of surrounding ter-ritory by Paton forces – typically an army of property lawyers the likes of which even Richard Homburg and the Murphy family have never seen.

Distrust is widespread. Senator Mike Du$y is reportedly set to hold hearings in Ottawa, or Cavendish, or wherever he can claim a Senate housing allowance. He aims to uncover Paton sympathizers and expose them for who they really are – Islanders who believe income should be redistributed… and PNP money too.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon had proposed a peace summit take place at Redcli$e – the heritage property also known as the Bay!eld-Jaynes House

– because he it was thought it lay in the neutral zone of “Middle Keppoch”; however, “Middle Keppoch” is a con-troversial topic and the proposed talks were sidelined by squabbling as to whether or not “Middle Keppoch” ex-ists, is indeed in the middle, or is per-haps entirely part of East Keppoch. #is reporter has it on good author-ity – from my cousin Pauline Coadywho lives in “Middle Keppoch” and

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COLD KEPPOCH WAR

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CONNOR SIMPSON:

1. Connor’s Childhood Home 2. Connor’s Second Childhood Home3. Connor’s Adolescent Home4. Connor’s Current Home : Connor vs #e Stairs5. Dog City HQ : Blogger’s Night Inn6. Connor’s Big Break... Up : If he tells you he got a handie from his high school sweetheart when they broke up, he means a handshake.7. Baba’s : Favourite spot to puke on the dance %oor8. Peake’s Quay : Rated among the best bushes to puke in.9. Victoria Park : Favourite spot for sunbathing and picking up ladies. Success not guaranteed.

10. 93 Water St : Site of the anaphylactic inducing puke incident11. Lanky Town : Where Connor ditches hip parties for High School parties12. #e Walk Home : Where Connor ditches his friends to walk girls home.13. #e Missed Kiss : #e streets where Connor has been le" in the cold a"er walking a girl home.14. #e Mugging : Where Connor experienced Charlottetown’s !rst ever mugging, and lost $20 in the process. 15. Victoria Row : Home to many of Charlottetown’s bars, and Connor’s exploits with the ladies.

Map curated and designed by Josh Coles, Garrett Curley, and Je$ McGuigan ~~

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New  York  Giant,Super  Bowl  XLVI  champion  and  MVP

!ere’s a time in everyone’s life where something happens that just seems unbelievable. For some it’s when they !nd someone in their life that they love, for others it’s just being at the right place at the right time to watch an amazing event, or just being out in nature to see something beautiful has it happens. But for a simple man like Eli Manning, he has had the opportunity to have many of those events in his life.

His !rst thing was the day he !gured out how to use a zipper. For someone as intelligent as Eli Manning it is quite complicated to learn how to use one of those bad boys. His mother, Ol-ivia, had extensively tried to teach Eli to practice getting the bottom the zip-per into the other. On remembering Eli’s struggles with the zipper Olivia said “His brothers Peyton and Cooper were old pros at using the zipper. I tried to make everything a competi-tion between the boys but Eli just never seemed to have a great desire to win.” But one day Archie Manning, the leg-endary Saints Quarterback, sat his son down and told Eli that he wasn’t going anywhere until he !gured out how to zipper up his jacket. Under the im-mense pressure from his father Eli !-nally !gured out how to use zipper, it was an amazing feat for the young man.

It wasn’t until completing his studies at Ole Miss that it was proposed to Eli he go pro. He still wasn’t exactly sure what that meant but his brother Pey-ton helped him !gure it out and got Eli an agent to prepare for the NFL Dra". His father told him that the San Diego Chargers were going to pick him !rst overall, considering Eli didn’t think that he was a good football player he was just excited to go anywhere. But his father told him, not to go to San Di-ego and that if he went there he would never win a Super Bowl. Eli had a Su-per Nintendo growing up so he thought a Super Bowl to hold his snacks would compliment that quite well and agreed to publicly denounce the Chargers. On dra" day, Eli was seemingly pissed that the Chargers had selected him overall, but was relieved when he was imme-diately traded to the New York Giants. He had always wanted to visit the city.

Considered to be a consistently worth-less fantasy football option through-out his career, Eli managed to step up during the NFL playo$s. In the 2007 season’s playo$s, despite losing to the Tom Brady led Patriots during the regular season, Eli and the Giants managed to end the Pats perfect sea-son during Super Bowl XLII. With an unbelievable o$ the helmet catch by David Tyree, the Giants moved quickly down the !eld punishing the Patriots defence. Eli’s later response to the pass was that he was just trying to throw the ball really far. Luckily he had a fellow gunslinger in Plaxico Burress who also doubled as a wide receiver and solidi!ed the win with his TD re-ception. Eli (and his brother Peyton for that matter) couldn’t believe that he won the Super Bowl. He was dev-astated that he didn’t get an actual bowl but he knew his parents were proud.

Finally, in his most recent season (2011) Eli had his most unbelievable moment of winning the Super Bowl Again. #e New York Giants had fell into the playo$s almost by accident. #e NFC East, o"en known as the joke division of football, didn’t really want to send anyone to the playo$s. Legendary dog owner and trainer Michael Vick man-aged to convince Eli that his team was the right one to go compete. Taking Vick’s advice Eli huddled with his wide receivers Victor Cruz, Mario Manning-ham and Hakeem Nicks to discuss how he likes to throw the ball really far. His receivers just grinned and prepared for the worst. But a"er accidentally beating the 49ers in the NFC Championship, Eli again competed against his broth-er’s rival Tom Brady. Eli’s team again managed to defeat the favoured Patri-ots and he was so amazed. In the locker room Eli could be heard yelling that he !nally won more bowls than his broth-er. During the post game press con-ference Eli was astonished, he said he was con!dent that a team with a player named Ochocino was de!nitely going to win and that he was hoping now that he was a 2-time Super Bowl MVP that he would be allowed to have as much as fun at photo-shoots as Tom Brady.

                                                         BRIAN  MASON  

EliManning

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!e Manning family, from right to le": Cooper, Peyton, Olivia, Archie and Eli

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SPORTS    -­  FIVE  STARS                                                                                                                                                            “MORE  FUN  TO  WATCH  THAN  PLAY”

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NEW YORK - THE BEST PLACE I’VE NEVER BEENWatching waves nibble America’s queen, Liberty, on the postcard.

#e mental image of the Central Park carousel from Catcher in the Rye.

Leo DiCaprio anytime, but mostly because he was in Gangs of New York.

I’m overcome with emotion.

I leave a Saturday party and walk the two blocks to my home. Maybe I was asked to leave. Maybe I vomited on some of the guests. But none of that matters now. I turn up my headphones and I think.

It started the !rst time I read Gawker. Foster Kamer – what a name. Like a muppet. Like a snarky, snarky muppet. I fell a little in love – proper love, not Jenn-Gurski’s-Lo" love. Who is this Bloomberg? Do people love him so much because he’s exotic (Jewish)? My world exploded in weeks. NY Mag, !e Awl, Young Manhattanite, Village Voice… It was through them, not my A"ermath Crew vocal instructor, that I found my true voice.

And it got worse. Overnight, I stopped reading longreads about wrestling and devoted all my scholarly attention to Peter Kaplan – cranky, wise, premium, you name it. I live it. Sports too, man. I started out just liking the Giants because of the story with the bean but the Big Apple sucked me in with its gravitational pull and I found myself loving the Knicks. #e Rangers. Now none of my hats match my jackets, at all, but I just throw on some linen pants and BOOM instant babe-killing look.

I practice the Alicia Keys verse in Empire State of Mind for when Jay-Z !nally returns my ca – er, media requests, whatever.

But here I am, really, really far away from New York.

Choire, where are you now? Choire, this is my time of need. You won’t respond to my gchats about my in-fatuation with Maura or Rosie Gray, but I know you know what it’s like to be homesick.

And that’s what I am right now. Homesick for a home I’ve never known. New York City.My room – a panorama of stills from Maid in Manhattan and Extremely Loud and Incredible Close at the right angles so it’s like I’m living in the city – is ready for a night of re%ection.

Turn on a lil Woody Allen. Place my imitation Yamaka squarely on my crown. Pull out the ol’ MacBook pro. Put on my fancy sneakers – you know the ones – and start typing.

“Dear Lifehacker,” I type, “I am stuck in a nowhere city and even though I have enough money and Gabriel said I could crash with him and his mystery family, I don’t have a clear escape route. Do you have any ti-“

No, no, wait. #ey’re just going to tell me the new Internet Explorer isn’t that bad. Close that tab.

“Dear !ought Catalogue, as the Platonic forms admonish – and believe me, I know what ‘platonic’ means – there is only one true form of goodness. And that unmountable staircase of Greatness is none of than the one and only Sinatrian apple in the sky. Yes you know it – New Yor-”

Oh my god, was that a Lena Dunham pop-up? Does #ought Catalogue actually have a Lena Dunham pop-up? THIS is a way to get Caity Weaver’s attention. I reach for my phone, start dialing.

Bah dah DAH !is is Rogers credit service – you’ve spent your maximum long distance minutes.I throw my phone against the wall. It hits Jennifer Lopez’s bum. I clutch an empty Rev next to my chest. Exhale.And I weep tears of nostalgia for New York, a city I’ve never visited.

KATE  MCKENNA

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ESSAY,  SORTA