CONFLICTS & CHALLENGES IN A MUSLIM FAMILY

FAMILY A GREAT TRIAL

• Your riches and your children may be but a trial: but in the Presence of Allah is the highest Reward. (Taghabun, 64:15)

PURPOSES OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM(IMAM AL GHAZALI)

• 1- Procreation- Brings closer to Allah in 4 ways:I. Desire to have children promotes continuation

of human race which Allah lovesII. It is also what Prophet (SAW) loves

Procreation• Iii- One loves to leave behind righteous children

who make dua for him

Iv- If a child dies before his/her parents, the child will be an intercessor

Muslim

2- To fulfil natural desire for intimacy in marriage

• This protects one from evil misguidance of Shaitan• One protects his/her chastity• Achieve the pleasure of Allah (SWT) • Perfection of half of the Deen

(Hakim)

3- Bring comfort to the soul

• By playing, looking, sitting, having leisure time with one’s spouse

• Ali (RA) said, “ Relax (or provide recreation to your hearts) for an hour. Indeed if they are coerced (into constant work) they become blind.”

• Prophet (SAW) said:

(wives)

4- Proper distribution of social responsibilities and more free time

• Household management is left to the wife• Husband is then afforded time for knowledge

and action specially for scholars and Du’at• So, wife helps her husband to be a better

Muslim• Prophet (SAW) said:

5- Trial of family for higher rewards in Akhirah

• Live a practical life with wife and children to achieve greater rewards of Akhirah

• Passing grade with wife requires Fulfilling her rightsBeing patient with herGuiding and educating her in IslamEarn halal money for her upkeep• Passing grade with children requires raising them

properly as true Muslims

Causes of Conflicts in Family

1- Al Ghairah

2- Evils of the tongue

3- Frivolous Diversions

4- Harshness

5- Deviation from purpose of marriage

6-Miserliness and greed

7-Nature of man or woman’s work

8-Husband meddles in wife’s business

9- Procreati-on

10- Respect for each other’s rights

1-Al Ghairah• It has two meanings:• 1- Zeal and honor to defend- when someone he/she

loves is wronged or falsely accused of wrongdoing.• 2-Jealousey- occurs when a person’s love for

someone makes it hard to share him/her with someone else. This could be :

a. Praiseworthy-,e.g., when someone sees his spouse talking to a stranger and he/she gets angry

b. Reprehensible- when a person is suspicious of his wife/husband without evidence of wrong doing.

GHAIRAH spoils love in a relationship

1-Ghairah beloved to Allah-

2- Ghairah detested by Allah-

Ghairah=Jealousy• Unique to women in a polygynous relationship• A woman is naturally disposed to this Ghairah• As long as it does not go to resentment, husband

should be patient• He should advise with gentle words• Even Prophet’s wives were not immune from it• Prophet (SAW) was with one of his wives, when a

dish with food was sent to him by another. Wife who was with the Prophet struck the hand of the servant and the dish broke. Prophet (SAW) said, “Your mother became jealous. ( Bukhari)

Woman’s Jealousy leads to discord

• Be gentle and remove feelings of jealousy-

• Let not your jealousy towards your husband go beyond a reasonable limit

• Never do anything to arouse the jealousy of your husband

How a wife can arouse jealousy?• Speaking about another man’s good looks, wisdom and

morals• Speaking of previous husband’s qualities• Even if husband insists about knowing about your

previous husband• Your husband wants to be the only ideal person for you• He does not like to hear any one else to be handsomer,

kinder and wiser than him• If wife gets suspicious of her husband unjustly by

interrogating his every move, it will ruin the trust and the relations

Man’s Ghairah

• Man’s Ghairah should also be balanced• He should not be ever suspicious with no cause• He should not spy on her

O ye who believe! avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: and spy not on each other

Extremes of Ghairah

A. Lack of Ghairah (Dayyuth)-• Such a person has no sense of honor• He sees licentious and lewd deeds yet he remain

silent• Such a person invites other male friends and

allows them to mingle freely with his wife

Ahmadmad

B- Extreme suspicion and being possessive

• Some husbands are so suspicious, they watch over wife’s every move

• They are so possessive, they do not allow her to meet other women

• They do not allow them to even see their parents, brothers or sisters

• As time goes on, there is going to be resistance• If he receives a news about wife’s evil action, he

must ascertain it before taking action

2- Evils of the tongue

• Nothing causes more problems in marriage than the tongue

• Both husband and wife must know when to remain silent and when to speak

• Imam Ghazali said about tongue ,” It is small in size, yet its obedience and disobedience are huge…”

Prophet’s warning about evils of tongue

Imam Ghazali on evils of tongue • Speak about that which

does not concern him• Speaking unnecessarily• Uttering falsehood• Arguing without just

cause• Speaking artificially and

with feigned eloquence• Cursing or uttering

obscenities• Singing lewd poetry

• Making fun of others• Spread a secret given• Make a false promise• Lying in general and

specially when taking oath

• Backbiting• Slandering• False praise to gain

someone’s favor

3- Frivolous Diversions(TV, Internet, cell phone, video games)

• Husband may be at home but spending hours on electronic media

• You neglect the rights of your spouse and children to spend quality time with them

• Wife & Children internalize all this neglect they see • Recreation time should be shared with wife and

children to enjoy together• Aisha (RA) reported ,” I raced with him and I beat

him on my two feet. Then when I carried more flesh, I raced him and he beat me.” (Ahmad)

4- Harshness and rough treatment Often, marital conflict begins because husband treats his

wife harshly. It could be because:• He loves to lead• He is proud and arrogant• He likes to show his superiority over his wife A Muslim must avoid harsh attitude It is unacceptable in dealings with family It will repel others and create rift

Prophet (SAW) advised gentleness

5- Deviation from the purpose of marriage, it leads to conflicts

• When spouses refrain from fulfilling their intimacy needs strictly in wedlock

• When husband treats her like a maid• When he does not provide knowledge and

guidance to wife and children• When marriage is treated as business.Some marry

in rich or influential family for material purposes• Such marriage may not last or will be plagued

with constant discord or rebellious children

6-Miserliness and Greed

• Two degrees of miserliness are described in Islam:1. Al Bukhl- Refusal to spend wealth even when

there is genuine need2. Al Shuh- Miserliness compounded with greed

and selfishness

(3:180)

Prophet (SAW) said about Bukhl:

(Muslim)

Tirmizi

More Ahadith on Bukhl reported in Musnad Ahmad

Miser brings misery to his family• Miser does not spend enough on his family’s

needs. This causes conflict in the family• He brings shame to himself when people look at

the condition of his family• Motives for miser may differ:To punish his wife for perceived defianceTo fulfill some addictionLove of hoarding and counting money• Prophet (SAW) allowed Hind wife of Abu Sufyan

(who complained about him) to take some of his money without his knowledge for her family needs.

7-Nature of man or woman’s work

• Example is of a physician who has to work nights and long hours away from home.

• If husband and wife do not work as a team, their marriage will suffer

• Wife must be patient and understanding• Husband must do time management and spend

enough quality time with his family• Since there is limited time at their disposal , both

must be in pleasant mood and look their best to enjoy together.

8- When a husband meddles in his wife’s business

• Woman likes to be the crowned queen of her home• She likes to have the final word in organizing and

designing her home• A woman dislikes, in general, that her husband

meddle in her kitchen or household matters• When he tries to control such affairs, he opens

door of conflict• Men have enough work at job and community• So leave the household affairs to your wife

9- Procreation• Two major causes of marital discord are:A-Birth of daughter- Some men are very keen to have son. They behave as people of Jahiliyyah when a daughter is borne

(43:17)

Allah (SWT) creates as He Wills

(42:49-50)

when it is emitted. (53:45-46)

B- Infertility & sterility• Marital strife may occur when a couple is not able to have

a child• If man is impotent, wife may openly lament and challenge

his virility• If wife is sterile, husband may openly complain• They must first seek medical advice and not openly

complain about it• Even if there is no cure, they must continue to make dua• They must realize that happiness is not exclusively for

couples who have children• Example of Aisha (RA), who was childless but still most

beloved of the Prophet (SAW).

10- Respect for each other’s rights

• Both spouses must learn and respect each other’s rights

• Ignorance about mutual rights or lack of self control will lead to marital strife

• When problems develop, there must be willingness to resolve these problems in a proper manner

Way to resolution of spousal conflicts • No marriage is immune from disagreements• Islam provides a roadmap to safe exit and avoid the

disaster of divorce• When a disagreement arises, it may lead to serious conflict

and arguments• Husband must try to understand with kindness and advise

his wife with love and soft attitude.• If it does not work, husband may leave her to sleep alone. • If situation does not resolve and there is clear Nushuz (ill-

conduct) , one may show disapproval by symbolic strike with a “Siwak”. This is not liked or done by the Prophet (SAW).

• Arbitration by committee consisting a member from each side

Process of resolving disagreement

strike

4:34-35

About striking wife

(Tirmizi)i

Ata (A Tabe.ee) was of the opinion that one should not strike his wife even if she disobeys him. It is sufficient for him to be upset with her.

Those are not the best people who strike their wives

(Abu Dawood)

Ideal Muslimah’s approach in resolving marital conflict

• 1- Is it a real disagreement or a misunderstanding• 2- If it is real disagreement, she should find the

source of the dispute• 3- She should speak about herself only. She

should not speak about her husband or her intentions

• 4- She should search for points of agreement• 5- She should work towards a reconciliation• 6- As soon as an understanding is reached, she

should apply the terms of agreement

Men and Women of Jannah

5 Killer mistakes spouses make during a dispute

• 1-Hiding one’s intentions and feelings- One may keep quite in argument but latter spew all the anger and hurtful things

• 2-Inviting others to take part in dispute-• Spouses must try to resolve dispute in the privacy

of their homes. Others may spread their secrets which could be embarrassing

• When arbitration is necessary, only trustworthy close relatives be involved.

5 Killer mistakes spouses make during a dispute

• 3- Rushing to the courthouse- Courts can help in divorce cases but can not help in marital disputes

• 4- Destroying other person’s confidence and sense of dignity-

• Be careful in uttering words in anger.• Belittling your spouse and praising others could be

very hurtful• 5- Arguing in front of children- • Child seeing his parents argue will feel lack of peace

and comfort• This can lead to psychological issues for children

I only desire (your) betterment to the best of my power; and my success (in my task) can only come

from Allah: in Him I trust and unto Him I look.