HONEYCOMB 1/2 (October 2000): 1-14

Conflict

Jane LOPACKA

Conflict is unresolved differences between two or more parties. Conflict is an emotive subject. Passions are aroused; anger and fear cloud our thinking; ill-considered

words and actions result in regret, remorse, and guilt, and trap us into a state of helpless subjectivity.

The natural outcome of conflict is more conflict. The Biblical outcome of conflict is reconciliation and restoration.

. Spheres of Conflict

Inner conflict. All conflict--external and internal, no matter to what scale it develops-stems from internal discord. Conflict has its roots within us. Most is "inner conflict," and this causes more stress and hurt than all the physical forms of conflict put together. Conflict affects us all. It is a battle that begins and rages within us, and its roots are desire, selfishness, and fear. Its weapons are psychological and spiritual. We are the casualties: we lose peace; we lose confidence; we lose sleep; we lose health; and eventually-if the inner struggles are not checked-we may lose our sanity or our very lives. Interpersonal conflict. The silent and secret wars of the inner being will, if left to rage unchecked, break out into overt aggression towards others; From the time Cain's disappointment and anger burst forth in violence against himself and his brother the

Ed. note: This article is a revision for publication of a presentation made at the fourth annual meeting of the Evangelical Fellowship of Cambodia held 14-17 February 2000 in Phnom Penh.

2 HONEYCOMB 1/2 (October 2000)

stage was set, and succeeding generations give continuing testimony of man's inhumanity to man. We see it every day on the news bulletins: "My rights are not your rights; but I am stronger so you must lose." "I am a woman; you are only an unborn child." "I am a man; you are only a geriatric burden on the family." "I am whole; you are deformed, disabled, different." Family conflict Living in close proximity to others requires us to be sensitive to the needs of those around, to be less insistent upon standing up for our rights in the face of pressure on our boundaries. Yet there is a limit to this sensitivity. There is a limit to the space we can give others before the pressures on our own family become unbearable. There are economic and social pressures on families. Sensitivity to the needs of others helps but is not enough. The conflict that arises from the failure of expectations, the loss of self­esteem, and the social stigmas which accompany poverty and deprivation will not be removed by sensitivity; social action is needed on an enormous scale. Families which are internally disorganized and chaotic create chaotic social conditions which in tum further disturb individuals and their families. Intergroup conflict. On all sides, people group together and declare their positions. It happens everywhere, whether it is workers versus management, black versus white, Khmer versus Vietnamese, opposing football supporters, political parties, or even different churches and denominations. Each declares itself to be right or best, and the other to be wrong or inferior. Groups not only bring people together, they also divide. The power of the group to bring out both the best and worst in people is remarkable. City conflict. Today· intercity conflicts have been reduced mainly to sporting events and competition for investments, industry, and tourism. Yet the seeds of conflict remain, and the phenomenon of the city divided against itself is again becoming common. Mankind's more recent history has been one of growing inequality-in lifestyles, income, housing, education, public services, and the general level of public amenities. Increasing inequality must inevitably lead to the polarization of peoples and cities, and this in tum leads to civil disturbances.

Conflict 3

International conflict. The relative "peace" the world has experienced since 1945 is one of the longest since the Middle Ages. But the absence of full-scale international conflict is hardly a sign of true peace. There are civil wars that become international due to the interventions of NATO. There are many international conflicts being fought all over the world. Each of the world powers has been engaged in "limited conflicts" during the past ten or more years (the Gulf War, the Falkland Islands, Afghanistan, Kosovo, Chechnya, East Timor, etc.). Spiritual conflict. Despite all that we see around us, despite all the focus on social confrontation, whatever the level, the real battle is a spiritual one. All conflict, from inner conflict to cosmic, is spiritual and will increase. Though this world has seen a surfeit of struggles and is sick for peace, peace will not come until the Prince of Peace brings it with him (lsa 9:6-7).

But this does not mean that we despair or desist in our efforts to reduce the effects of the spiritual combat. Peacemakers are the light of the world; they are that city of refuge that is set on a hill; they are the bearers of the peace of God. The world needs to see them, to hear them and to feel the power of the peacemakers: the children of God working with power for reconciliation in our generation.

As future church leaders, missionaries, and Christian workers, you will have your share of conflict to resolve. Perhaps you have already been engaged in conflict-either by contributing to it or trying to resolve it.

• The Bible urges that conflict should end in reconciliation. • The natural outcome of conflict is more conflict. • Conflict affects our attitudes, health, activities, and hopes. • If an individual is the victim of strife, then it is important for

that person to take steps to restore his or her own inner peace before trying to help others. It is appropriate to ask, "How much conflict is in my own world? Is my private world disordered? Am I under pressure from surrounding and inner conflicts?"

4 HONEYCOMB l/2 (October 2000)

• Many church leaders affect their flocks because of their own inner conflicts.

A Swahili proverb observes "When the elephants fight the grass gets hurt."

Remember: • Conflict hurts. • While someone is hurting you, you may well be hurting

someone else.

Sources and effects of conflict

Conflict always starts in the individual. Very often it stays inside. But who pays the cost of conflict that remains within? And although conflicts may stay inner, they do pull others in. On the other hand, who pays the price of conflict inappropriately expressed outwardly?

Sources include Poorconnnunication Poor leadership Personalities

Effects Individual Corporate

Conflict is a part of life, it is here to stay, and it needs to be addressed. There are positive and negative effects of conflict. There are appropriate ways of addressing conflict.

The conflict cycle

Conflict 5

Conflict arises when two forces desire two different goals. If not dealt with, conflict escalates. Doubtless my readers can think of examples of conflicts that have escalated unnecessarily. The imagination runs wild during the storms of conflict, and the gaps in our factual database we flll in with our imagination.

There are three possible outcomes from conflict: win/lose, lose/lose, or win/win. How can we get to a win/win solution in our conflicts? By dealing with the root of conflicts, and focusing on long-term implications instead of the short-term issues. In order to reach a win/win solution, both sides need to be willing to lose/lose first. There is no winning without losing.

Listening is the best route to conflict resolution. There are varying approaches to resolving conflict, and in leadership you need to know your style. If yours is a useful style, then develop it. If it is not a helpful style, then you must be aware of your responses and change them, otherwise your leadership will be flawed.

Sometimes a third party is needed to negotiate, but many would-be negotiators are not skilled and can make matters worse. Sometimes the third party, or negotiator, brings the two opposing parties together too soon, thus forcing a confrontation unnecessarily. In Cambodia the third person is expected to resolve the conflict. However, peacemaking means helping each side or party to resolve the conflict themselves.

The Mountain of Conflict

Conflict Curve/Route Phase !-Differentiation The movement at this stage is to focus on differences. It

should be remembered that different is OK as long as it is comfortable. However, at the Differentiation Stage people tend to gravitate towards those who are like-minded people .. This brings distance between "them" and "us," adding distance. The imagination takes over and you begin to see danger in every situation-whisper, whisper-and difference takes on the added dimension of being dangerous.

6 HONEYCOMB 1/2 (October 2000)

CONFUCT CURVE

I DIFFERENTIATION I 3. Add danger

(see differences as threat)

2. Add distance (focus on differences)

1. Notice differences

- - '

RECONCILIATION

, Cease fire

Decision to ~scalate conflict

' ' --~

DISENGAGEMENT (keep parties separate)

9. Separate Parties (withdrawal)

8. Cease Fire I Truce

7. Withdraw

INTEGRATION (bring together)

(Letting it go & value differences )

Adapted from conflict curves in: 'Peacing together' Dr. D. Cormack - MARC 1989 & 'Conflict' J.Huggett- Eagle 1998

Conflict 7

Phase 2-:-Divergence/Polarlzation Each side develops a sense of unity within itself, thus

setting the stage for conflict with those not within their party. Once such group unity is established there is no trust of outsiders. Now we build support for our cause because right is on our side. We talk to key people-management, staff, politicians, church leaders, etc. Once we have our support in place we get into a position where we can damage the enemy, or opposing party.

Phase 3-Destruction The flrst degree of destruction capability generally focuses

on destroying your opponent's values: their beliefs, morals, Christian integrity, etc. If this fails to get your way, the second strike is directed on destroying things: property, projects, relationships, etc. Finally, if the conflict continues the third strike is the destruction of people: reputation, health, even life.

But what happens if you don't get the vote, if you lose? Because losing is a possibility, you become willing to give absolutely everything in order to win-suicide. Our world lives at this level. This is the MAD level of the strategy-Mutual Assured Destruction. In fact, if you get to the top of the mountain of conflict, you discover it is a volcano. The higher you get the more you burn. This step takes you to the top of the volcano.

Yet conflict stems from selfishness (self before others, or self before God), which is sin. We have all contributed to conflict. And we will do so again. But the sooner we recognize the problem, the quicker we can turn things around. Conflict that gets to this level destroys people, organizations, programs, churches, and things of great value in which people have invested much time, energy, and practical resources.

To capsulize the previous discussion, we may note nine steps up the Conflict Curve on the Mountain of Conflict:

Phase 1-Ditferentiation 1. Focus on difference. 2. Add distance. 3. Adddanger.

8 HONEYCOMB 1/2 (October 2000)

Phase 2--Divergence/Polarization 4. Establish group unity. 5. Build support. 6. Position to damage the enemy. Phase 3-Destruction 1. Build destruct capabilio/-destroy values. 8. Build second strike capability-destroy things. 9. Prepare for suicide-destroy people (at least self).

Just as there are nine steps to out-and-out conflict, so there are nine steps to reconciliation. What is important is to get to a win/win resolution. If you spot the problem at step one on the conflict curve you can begin at step one on the reconciliation curve. Likewise if you stop the escalation of the conflict at step six, then cross over and start the descent to reconciliation at step six.

Resolution means ceasing from going up the mountain of conflict, and crossing over to the other side of the mountain. Once there, you take stock, resolve the conflict then come down the side of reconciliation.

Reconciliation Curve/Route Phase 3-Disengagement Look for a way to separate the parties. If you are at step

nine on the conflict curve do not try to bring parties together to resolve things. You separate the parties in order to work with them. If one party thinks it can win then there will be no reconciliation. If there is no cease fire or truce, then permanently separate them. Suspend interaction between the two until they come to a truce position. Rather, get both parties to withdraw from the intransigent position each has taken, and generate a willingness in them to think that there might be an alternative solution. If you can get both parties to say, "If there is a hope of reconciliation then let's attempt it," then you can move to the next phase.

Phase 2--Convergence At this point, continue to keep the sides separated if

possible. But share the facts. Log what happened, or the sequence

Conflict 9

of events. Where do the two sides agree, and on what do they disagree? Get each sides feelings out on the table-"How did you feel about that?" It is important that all the feelings are expressed and none are left to fester. Festering feelings turn to resentment. This is one of the most personally destructive emotional conditions, and it mostly affects the person holding the resentment. Feelings left undealt with enable people to easily cross back to the conflict side of the mountain and re-ascend it.

It is idealistic to say, "Let bygones be bygones." At the stage of sharing facts and feelings the past must be discussed. This is the time to bring clarification to facts, clear up misunderstandings, talk about root causes, etc. Only when all the past has been aired and discussed can there be closure on the past. Once there is closure, neither party can later say, "There's an issue I didn't raise earlier." Once there is closure on the past then the process can move to exploring a vision for a new relationship.

There needs to be a common vision for a new relationship. It may be that you'll get peace but not reconciliation. If there is no shared vision then there is no reconciliation. This is where the problems are really solved. This is the place where both have to be willing to lose/lose in order to win/win. Unfortunately, people often are not prepared to pay ·the high cost of integration, and this is a crucial stage in the reconciliation process.

But once you get a commitment to try a find a way forward the next phase is integration, and this is when you bring the parties together.

Phase !-Integration (making the two one) Everyone needs to confess or take ownership of the

problem, and openly admit responsibility for escalating the conflict. For people to be able to do this is a strength, not a weakness. This fact must be conveyed to all involved. Then follows repentance: commitment to a new way, a turning around in thinking and in relationship. Finally comes forgiveness, or letting go. Both parties need to say, "I will not bring that up again." It is no good to say, "I forget," but we can choose to not remember. People need to be vulnerable enough to say, "I got it

10 HONEYCOMB I/2 (October 2000)

wrong. I commit myself to a new way, and I let go of it." A true biblical perspective of forgiveness is necessary.

Summarizing the above, we fmd: Phase 3-Disengagement 9. Separate the parties. 8. Call for a cease fire or truce. 7. Get both parties to withdraw from a position of intransigence. Phase 2-Convergence (keeping both parties separated) 6. Share the facts. 5. Get out the feelings. 4. Develop a common vision for a new relationship. Phase !-Integration (making the two one) 3. Confess and own the problem. 2. Repent and commit to a new way. 1. Forgive or let go.

· Integration is expensive. It costs in emotion and vulnerability. Most reconciliation processes get only to the facts with no account being taken of the feelings, and no commitment is secured to pursue changed permanent relationships. Even if the reconciliation process does not get to steps three or two, Christians still need to forgive (step one). We are all responsible for our responses.

Conflicts, instead of tearing relationships apart, should become the stepping stones to deeper personal relationships. Growth and change do not occur automatically. They flow out of the effort we make to resolve our problems.

Reconciliation is a high quality product. The role of the third party is very important. If you are in the third party position, clarify why you are there. Warring parties subconsciously look for a common point of reference or agreement, the lowest common denominator, and that may well be the mediator. Thus the mediator becomes a victim of their conflict! The mediator, or third person, gets 70% of whatever is going.

Most conflict, though, can be resolved at early stages if leaders have the courage to take action soon enough. Third parties leave intervention too long, then they make a mess by trying to

Conflict 11

bring parties together too soon after the unity stage. A major step toward resolving conflict is getting people to appreciate each others differences as different and complimentary, not as wrong.

Styles of handling conflict

® Collaborate As the weaker party, I'll go along with it for now.

® Avoid/ Ducking and diving. If I can run fast Withdraw enough I won't get nailed. I can't win, so I

withdraw.

® Defend Still no mention of my desire, but I'll make it difficult for the other person.

Ideas and issues are mentioned, but not

© Compromise truly addressed. However, I give a little in order to gain a little. I'm not going to get all that I want. The

© Negotiate/ process by which we begin to walk towards Yield one another (and it's my job to walk a little

quicker). I give in order to get along.

© Confront We jointly sort the problem.

Aggressive about what I want, but not so

® Compete concerned about what you want. Innocent people get hurt in competition. The best way of defending is to dig my

® Attack/Win heels in. It is often an ill-prepared position, and you'll find that the opposition is just as ready .. I must win at all costs.

Reconciliation is assertive co-operation. I

© Reconcile will say what I want, and I will listen to what you want. I am medium on what I want but high on what you want. Both sides win if we resolve our differences. Matt 18:15.

12 HONEYCOMB 1/2 (October 2000)

I must recognize that both I and you have rights, and be committed to ensure that both rights are heard.

Principles of resolving conflict

1. Tackle every conflict immediately and positively: accept every disagreement as an opportunity to deepen your relationship. (Eph 4:15 "Speaking the truth in love"), or

2. Select the most appropriate time: (Prov 15:23 "How good is a timely word"). Do not say "later," but fix a definite time. Be sure also that the subject is clearly defined so that you both know what you will be discussing.

3. Clearly define the problem or ;:onflict issue: it might help to put it down in writing. The more narrowly the conflict is defined the easier the conflict resolution will be.

4. Keep the issues practical, not personal: keep the issue clear and always before you. If tempted to wander to personal attacks, then quietly and gently draw attention to what is happening.

5. Listen carefully to the other person: (Prov 18:13 "Don't answer before you have listened"; James 1:19 "Quick to listen, slow to speak").

6. Accept the responsibility for your own actions: blaming others erodes relationships and does not effect positive changes (Rom 14:13).

7. Identify alternate solutions: once each person has aired the problem, the need for behavioral change becomes clear. The next step, the solution of the problem, is not necessarily easy. It requires concentration and brainstorming. Each should think of as many solutions as possible. Look at all the options.

8. Decide on a mutually acceptable solution: after carefully identifying all the alternatives, evaluate them and make a choice. If one of you likes an alternative but the other finds it unacceptable, discuss the reasons.

9. Begin at once to work on the agreed solutions: concentrate on your own part of the issue, leaving the other person free to work on his or her responsibility.

Conflict 13

10. Keep in mind the Scripture's insistence on the principle of forgiveness: a lack of willingness to forgive is often a greater barrier to solving conflicts than the offences of that person. What does the Scripture say about forgiveness? Being an example more than a judge is extremely helpful in resolving conflict.

Some basic assumptions about conflict

1. Conflict is largely inevitable. Conflict arises in part because everyone percdves people and. situations differently. These different perceptions allow for different options and choices which, in tum, cause conflict.

2. Conflict involves personal values and basic needs. Every human being has basic values and needs. These have been defined as the need to be loved, the need to love, and the need to feel worthwhile. If these needs are not met then a certain amount of deprivation is felt in the personality.

3. Conflicts usually emerge as symptoms. We should be aware of the fact that attempting to resolve only the surface symptom in a conflict will not clear up the root problem. An attempt should be made to look below the surface and discover what is the basic cause of the problem.

4. Conflict must be dealt with as quickly as possible. Some people prefer to ignore minor conflicts to avoid "rocking the boat." Thus when a major conflict arises they are unable to deal with it because they have not learned how to handle the smaller issues.

5. Conflict provides opportunity for growth. "Conflict," says H. N. Wright, "is like dynamite. If used in the right way it can be extremely helpful. If used in the wrong way, however, it can blow a relationship to pieces." Facing conflict is a way of testing one's strength and resources.

14 HONEYCOMB 111 (July 2000)

Five ways we communicate

1. Dialogue Two way communication

2. Discussion Share factors, views & values

3. Argument Aim to win and conquer

4. Row Aim to win and put down 5. Talk Listen, pray and resolve the issue

Resources Cormack, David. Peacing Together: From Conflict to Reconciliation

(N.p.: MARC Monarch Publications, 1989). Huggett, Joyce. Conflict: Understanding, Managing and Growing

Through Conflict (N.p.: Eagle, 1998). Lingerfelter, Sherwood G., and Marvin K. Mayers, Ministering Cross

Culturally: An Incamational Model for Personal Relationship (N.p., 1986).

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