Compassionate Listening Workbookweb.pdx.edu/~ingham/syllabi/Emotions/complisten.pdf · Listening to...

Compassionate Listening

An Exploratory Sourcebook

About Conflict Transformation

Gene Knudsen HoffmanCynthia Monroe

Leah Green

Edited by and with an introduction byDennis Rivers

www.coopcomm.orgThe Institute for Cooperative Communication Skills

Santa Barbara, CaliforniaAugust 2001

Dedicated to Thich Nhat Hanh,my teacher of reconciliation.

G.K.H.

T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S

Introduction ………………………………………………………….… Dennis Rivers

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1. Compassionate Listening: A First Step Toward Reconciliation Gene Knudsen Hoffman

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2. Listening to the Children of Abraham ……………………………… Gene Knudsen Hoffman introduces the work of Leah Green and the Mid East Citizen Diplomacy Project

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3. Compassionate Listening in the Middle East ………………………. Leah Green

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4. Working for Reconciliation Under the Northern Lights …………... Gene Knudsen Hoffman introduces the work of Cynthia Monroe and the Alaskans Listening to Alaskans about Subsistence Project

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5. Compassionate Listening as Practiced in Alaska …………………… Cynthia Monroe

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6. Lesson Plans for a Course in Compassionate Listening Gene Knudsen Hoffman

Introduction -- An Evocative Approach to Teaching and Learning ……………………………………

Session One -- Compassion ………………………………….….

Session Two -- Hatred ………………………………….………..

Session Three -- Denial …………………………………….………

Session Four -- Forgiveness ……………………………….……..

Session Five -- Reconciliation …………………………..………

Session Six -- Exploring Thich Nhat Hanh’s Approach to the Art of Listening………….……………….

Session Seven -- Adam Curle’s Tools for Transformation ………

Homework and Class Exercises ……………………………………

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7. Sources for Further Reading About Compassionate Listening …… 25

8. Parting Words ……………………………………….………………… 25

Copyrights and Rights to Copy

Quoted material in this document has been used withpermission of the authors or is reproduced under the“fair use doctrine” which allows brief quotes ofcopyrighted material for scholarly and educationalpurposes.

You have permission to make an unlimited number ofcopies of this sourcebook for use in your school,business, public agency, church, synagogue, mosque,temple, and/or community service organization asfollows: This document is copyright 2001 by GeneHoffman, Leah Green, Cynthia Monroe and DennisRivers, except where otherwise noted or where excerptsfrom scholarly works have been cited in accordance thefair use doctrine. Permission is granted for thereproduction and distribution of single or multiplecopies of this sourcebook or portions thereof foreducational purposes by any individual and/or withinany organization, but not for sale to the general public,provided that this copyright notice is included in eachfull copy, and the copied material is distributed free ofcharge or the student or other purchaser is not chargedmore than US $0.15 for each page of copied material.May all your efforts to create a world at peace beblessed with success. (This sourcebook is availableonline in PDF format free of charge atwww.coopcomm.org/listening .)

COMPASSIONATE LISTENING TRAINING -- An Exploratory Sourcebook About Conflict Transformation -- Page 1

Introduction

Gene Knudsen Hoffman is a remarkablewoman, and this book is a report from thegrowing edge of a movement she haspioneered, nurtured and mentored.

Forms of compassionate listening havebeen practiced among Quakers and Buddhistsfor centuries, and among psychotherapists fordecades. Gene is both a Quaker peace activistand a pastoral counselor, and she has achievedtwo great things over the past thirty years.First, she has taken the practice of com-passionate listening out of the quiet environsof the Quaker meeting house, out from behindthe closed doors of the therapy session, and onto the stage of the world’s greatest conflicts.Her many trips to Russia and the Middle Easthave made her a legend in the peacemakingcommunity. Second, she has popularizedcompassionate listening in a generous waythat invites and encourages other people totake up this practice, develop it and apply it innew areas. This book is an expression of thatgenerosity. Available for free around theworld as an e-book, it includes both her lessonplans for Compassionate Listening Work-shops and reports from Leah Green andCynthia Monroe, two of her co-pioneers andcreative colleagues.

Leah Green is Director of Mid EastCitizen Diplomacy and organizes Com-passionate Listening delegations to Israel andPalestine. Compassionate Listening embodiesGandhi’s teaching that we must be the changewe want to see. By listening to all sides in away that acknowledges everyone’s pain, thesedelegations help the Israelis and Palestiniansgrow toward listening to one another’s pain,and hopes and dreams as well. Of course,there are powerful forces on both sides seekingto worsen the conflicts rather than heal thewounds. Only a practice grounded insomething like the Quaker belief in the lightof God residing in each person could keepalive the vision of possible peace in the face ofall the violence and anguish into which thePalestinians and Israelis have stumbled.

Cynthia Monroe is a staff member of theAmerican Friends Service Committee, livingin Anchorage, Alaska. Over the past decade aserious conflict has emerged in Alaska bet-ween the indigenous peoples of Alaska whohunt and fish for survival, and the pro-fessional and recreational hunters and fisherswho are drawing down the food supplyavailable to the indigenous peoples. When theusual forms of conflict management(mediation, lawsuits) failed to produce results,Cynthia enlisted Gene’s assistance infounding the Alaskans Listening to AlaskansAbout Subsistence Project. A new dialoguebegan that is continuing to this day and istransforming the context in which the conflicttakes place. Compassionate Listening is notabout resolving conflicts directly. It is abouthelping conflict participants see one anotheras human, which creates a new mental andemotional space out of which resolutions canemerge.

In this respect, Compassionate Listeningrepresents the next step beyond the “interest-based bargaining.” Conflict resolutions basedonly on interests, even on the interests of allthe parties to a conflict, are vulnerable to fallapart as soon as someone’s material circum-stances shift. What is needed is for theconflict participants to be able to identify withone another’s sorrows and joys, to feelconnected enough to one another to make thepeace worth keeping.

In a word, only love will save us. Butthere needs to be a gradual “on-ramp” to thatlove, and a person’s gradually deepeningpractice of Compassionate Listening is onesuch path, a path that Gene and hercourageous partners-in-hope offer to a worldclouded with violence.

I am honored to be a support person andweb helper for this great team. We hope thissource book will empower you to bring thepractice of Compassionate Listening into theconflicts in your community that cry out to betransformed.

Dennis Rivers, www.coopcomm.org

- COMPASSIONATE LISTENING TRAINING -- An Exploratory Sourcebook About Conflict Transformation

1Compassionate Listening

A First Step TowardReconciliation

Gene Knudsen Hoffman

From a talk given at University of Californiaat Santa Barbara

[Host’s introduction:] Gene KnudsenHoffman, a writer, therapist, and internationalpeace worker, was invited by Project Cross-roads[at UCSB] to talk about CompassionateListening, a unique tool for reconciliation. Shedeveloped this tool after realizing that all partiesin a conflict were wounded and needed to beheard. Her overarching principle is that hearingeach other’s story reveals unhealed wounds andallows for mutual compassion and under-standing. In this way Compassionate Listeninghelps to build bridges between individuals andcommunities in conflict and can ultimately leadto reconciliation.

Reconciliation is the most difficult ofpeace processes because it requires theresumption of relationship between those inconflict. It means the coming together inharmony of those who have been sundered.

My sense is that if we would reconcile,we must make radically new responses tothe radically new situation in a world whereviolence is mindless, hopeless, meaningless,

and almost every nation has nuclearweapons—or soon will. We must movebeyond initiatives we formerly used, intorealms we have not yet considered, not yetdiscovered, trusting that there are alwaysopen to us new divine possibilities.

We peace people have always listened tothe oppressed and disenfranchised. That’svery important. One of the new steps Ithink we should take is to listen to those weconsider ‘the enemy’ with the same open-ness, non-judgement, and compassion welisten to those with whom our sympathieslie.

Everyone has a partial truth, and wemust listen, discern, acknowledge thispartial truth in everyone—particularly thosewith whom we disagree. That remarkableSaint, Thomas Aquinas, would support this,for he wrote: “We must love them both,those with whom we agree, and those withwhom we disagree. For both have labored inthe search of truth, and both have helped inthe finding of it.”

To reconcile, we must realize that bothsides to any violence are wounded, and theirwounds are unhealed. From my study ofpost-traumatic stress disorder in Holocaustvictims and Vietnam veterans, I ampersuaded that a great source of violencestems from our unhealed wounds.

In 1980, I had a life-changingexperience. I was on a world tour of peacecenters to learn what new ideas I could bringback to the USA. Outside the LondonQuaker Meeting, I saw a huge sign whichsaid: “Meeting for Worship for the torturersand the tortured”. I’d long known I shouldlisten to the tortured—but listen to thetorturers? I’d have to think about that.

I soon realized that without listening tothe enemy I could not make informeddecisions. If I was an advocate for one side,I would never know the causes of theoppositions’ anger and violence, and Icouldn’t possibly know the suffering they


had endured. My choices would be half-ignorant ones. So when I arrived in Israel, Ibegan listening to Israelis and Palestinians.I found it changed my perspectives on each.I began to practice listening to both sideseverywhere I went.

In 1983 I worked for the Fellowship ofReconciliation, creating their US/USSRReconciliation Program. This was in thedepths of the cold war and a way I found tolisten was to try to “Put a Human Face onthe Soviets” for Americans. It was aremarkable learning experience and theperspectives of quite a few people werechanged on both sides.

In 1989, after Glasnost and the feelingsthat the Soviets were no longer a threat, mywork moved to the Middle East. In that yeara small group of us went to Libya to listen tothe Libyans after we’d bombed Libya twice,first to kill Khadaffi and second, after we’ddowned two Libyan planes over Libya. Weknew our government’s side and we wantedto hear the other. We did.

We met with Libyan leaders, professors,government members, religious representa-tives, and many more. We had newmessages for our government such as“Please remove the mines you’ve sown in theSahara desert [in World War II]; we can’t doit alone. Please resume conversations withour government over our differences.” and“Please let Libyan students return toAmerican universities.”

Our government wouldn’t listen to ussince we’d gone there illegally. So we wroteour articles, spoke publicly where wecould—and were considered dangerous.

My next efforts were on my own.Between 1989 and 1996 I went to Israel andPalestine five times to listen to both sides. Ilistened to Israeli psychiatrists, settlers,government officials, peace people, writers,publishers, the Knesset and just plainpeople. Since I stayed in Palestinian homesin the Occupied territories, I had more

opportunity to listen to the people: refugees,families, parents whose sons had beenkilled, some of their sons who hadn’t,academic and peace leaders, and twice I metwith Yassir Arafat. Out of these experiencescame a book for Pax Christi, The Just WorldBook of 1991 called Pieces of the MideastPuzzle.

The breakthrough for practicingcompassionate Listening on a wider scalecame in 1996 when Leah Green, Director ofEarthstewards’ Mid-East Citizen Diplo-macy Project, contacted me. She said shehad read everything I’d written on Com-passionate Listening and she would like tohave her delegations to Israel and Palestinebegin to practice it.

She did. in January of 1998 she took agroup of American Jewish leaders, includingtwo Rabbis and one Rabbinic intern. Theparticipants came with varied prejudices,stereotypes, and deep fears. Some had neverset foot in Palestine before. On her returnLeah wrote: “All the participants submittedpositive evaluations, and all have expressedthat they underwent some degree oftransformation from the experience. ...I canhonestly say I have come away from this tripwith a new level of compassion, awareness,and understanding for people who holdviews with which I have been in deepdisagreement.”

Possibilities for reconciliation occurredamong both the visiting Americans and theIsraelis and Palestinians. It was in threewords—an astonishing success. Much wasdue to Leah’s skills and deep commitmentto the spirit of the process.

Now—back to process. CompassionateListening is adaptable to any conflict. Thelistening requires a particular attitude. It isnon-judgmental, non-adversarial, and seeksthe truth of the person questioned. It alsoseeks to see through any masks of hostilityand fear to the sacredness of the individualand to discern the wounds suffered by all


parties. Listeners do not defend themselves,but accept what others say as theirperceptions. By listening, they validate theother’s right to their perceptions.

I’m not talking about listening with the‘human ear’. I’m talking about discerning.To discern means to perceive somethinghidden or obscure. Like the potential forgood-will in hostile people. We must listenwith our ‘spiritual’ or psychological ear.This is very different from deciding inadvance who is right and who is wrong, andthen seeking to rectify it. And, it’s very hardto listen to people we feel are misleading, ifnot lying. Hard to listen to such differentmemories of the same event. Hard!

Two definitions of reconciliation wereused. The first is by one of my teachers,Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese BuddhistMonk, teacher, poet, and peacemaker. “Ifwe align ourselves with one side or theother, we will lose our chance to work forpeace. Reconciliation is to understand bothsides. First we go to one side and describethe suffering being endured by the otherside. Then we return to the other side andrepeat the process.”1 Someday I hopeCompassionate Listening teams will gowherever there is a conflict, listen to bothsides, and work for reconciliation, I believethis is our next step.

Adam Curle, another of my teachers,and Senior Quaker mediator from Englandsays: “We must work for harmony whereverwe are, to bring together that which issundered by fear, hatred, injustice or anyconditions which divide us. I begin with aconcept of human nature based on the beliefin a divine element within each of us... Wemust remember, this good exists in those weoppose.”2

There are similar traditions in Judaismand Islam. Michael Lerner in his bookJewish Renewal, reminds us that“Compassion must be extended to theenemies of the Jewish people...(for) they,

too, are created in the image of god, and thedistortions which lead them to wish us illare the product of a world of pain andcruelty that shaped them in this particularway.”3 From Islam comes this teaching byAbderrazak Guessoum, Vice Rector of theGreat Mosque of Paris. “..Islam is tolerance,service, and mercy.. The Koran rejects allviolence. Even Jihad... ‘Holy war’...refers tothe struggle of every Muslim to stay on thepath of obedience to the will of god asrevealed in the Koran.”4

I believe the call is for us to see thatwithin all people is the mystery, Spirit, God.It is within the Afrikaaner and the Africans,the Americans, Israelis, Palestinianseveryone. By Compassionate Listening wemay awaken it and thus learn the partialtruth the other is carrying.

Finally, I treasure this quotation fromthe American poet Longfellow: “If we couldread the secret history of our enemies, weshould find in each person’s life sorrow andsuffering enough to disarm all hostility.”5

________________________

Gene Hoffman expands on this theme in her1995 Pendle Hill Pamphlet, No Royal Roadto Reconciliation (Pendle Hill Publications,338 Plush Mill Road, Wallingford, Pa. --800-742-3150)

Notes and Bibliography1. Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace, ParallaxPress, 19882. Adam Curle, True Justice, Quaker HomeService, London, 19813. Michael Lerner, Jewish Renewal, HarperPerennial, 19944. Nell Platt, Passing from Belief to Practice,Reconciliation International 1987.5. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, in Bartlett’sFamiliar Quotations, Boston, Little Brown & Co.


2Listening to the

Children of Abraham————————————

Gene Knudsen Hoffmanintroduces the work of Leah Green

and the Mid East Diplomacy Project

In the spring of 1996 1 received a phonecall from Leah Green, who was thenDirector of the Middle East Program forEarthstewards Network. She wanted to talkwith me about my writing on Compassion-ate Listening, a process in which peopleopen up to new thoughts and ideas whenthey are carefully listened to. Sometimesthey even change their opinions as theylearn to listen to themselves. Over the yearsI have doggedly kept visiting the MiddleEast, pursuing this process. Leah invited meto come to Israel and Palestine in Novemberof 1996 with a group dedicated to Com-passionate Listening. It was to be followedby a similar journey there with AmericanJewish leaders in 1997. Thus began ourwork together

I found these journeys to be deeplymoving. Some who came were not sym-pathetic to the Palestinians, and after theyhad listened to both sides they discoveredthere was truth and error on both sides, andthat reconciliation was not only possible, buta necessity. A transformation had takenplace.

Leah has been dedicated to thedevelopment of Compassionate Listening.Since then, she and her excellent trainer,Carol Hwoshinksy, have developed itbeyond my original thinking. Their workhas received a remarkable recognition andthis October, 2001, we have been invited tolisten in Lebanon and Syria. The latestdevelopment, came in July of 2001 when wewere invited to take it to Germany inOctober, 2002, and teach CompassionateListening to both Germans and Jews so they

can develop new and trusting relationships.In Leah’s process she has been taking

Jewish and now Palestinian Leaders fromthe United States so both could betterunderstand the situation. There is astunning video of a Compassionate Listen-ing delegation called Children of Abrahamwhich is available from Mideast CitizenDiplomacy, and they have just receivedfunding to produce a new one! The keyingredient is the delegates go together tolearn what’s happening and seek the truthsof both sides, recognizing that on both sidesare wounded people who suffer and havegrievances.

Leah Green and those who work withher are breaking new ground and many newprojects of Compassionate Listening areseeding the world.


in the Middle East

Leah Green

I’ve been passionately involved with theIsraeli - Palestinian conflict for the past 22years. I started leading citizen delegations toIsrael the West Bank and Gaza in 1990 inorder to bring Jews and Palestinians andothers together to break stereotypes andwork together for peace and justice.

At some point, I made a clear decisionto work for reconciliation, and the delega-tions evolved into the Compassionate


Listening Project. We also hold Com-passionate Listening workshops now forIsraelis and Palestinians. Our project isbased on Gene Knudsen Hoffman’spioneering work. She’s been working tobring Compassionate Listening into thepeace movement for the last 20 years. One ofthe first things I read of Gene’s was:

“Sometime ago I recognized thatterrorists were people who had grievances,who thought their grievances would neverbe heard and certainly never addressed.Later, I saw that all parties to every conflictwere wounded, and that at the heart of everyact of violence is an unhealed wound.”

Many Palestinians have asked me overthe years, “How could the Jewish people,who have suffered so greatly, do such harmto another people?” The answer, of course,lies buried in the question… the abusedchild who grows up to become an abusiveparent. It’s hard to miss the wounding of theJewish people. Collectively, Jews are stilllocked into the victim role. And when you’rea victim it’s hard to see how you could beoppressing another. It’s identical to theabusive parent who still identifies as thevictim. We have to remember that all partiesto a conflict are wounded.

Now, unfortunately, the Palestiniansare undergoing the same cycle ofvictimization. Dr. Eyad Sarraj, a prominentpsychologist in Gaza, told us a story lastyear. He was put in Palestinian prison forhis open criticism of Arafat and thePalestinian Authority’s human rightsrecord. The large, central prison used to bean Israeli prison, and his Palestinianinterrogators had all once been prisonersthere, themselves, in the Israeli prison.While sitting in his cell one day, Dr. Sarrajoverheard another Palestinian beinginterrogated. The prisoner wasn’t answeringand the interrogator became increasinglyloud and angry, until he suddenly erupted,

screaming and shouting in Hebrew, which of

course was the language of his torturers. Soagain… At the heart of every act of violenceis an unhealed wound.

The first premise for CompassionateListeners is that we must acknowledge thatevery party to a conflict is suffering. Andthat our job as peacemakers is to hear theirgrievances and find ways to tell each sideabout the humanity and the suffering of theother. We have to find ways to bringconflicting parties to listen to one another— not to dialogue at first, not to argue ordebate. Just to listen. We must drop anyarrogance of thinking that we know how it isfor another.

You might think listening is an easything to do. It’s not! One of the mostdifficult listening sessions I’ve ever had waswhen 20 of us Compassionate Listenerspresented our work to a large audience ofIsraelis at Jerusalem’s prestigious Van LeerInstitute. The audience was completelymixed — from far right to far left. Audiencemembers attacked each other viciously - ustoo - if they didn’t like what was being said.We were modeling Compassionate Listeningreally well — we had been practicing for twoweeks at that point and we were gettingpretty good at it. A woman stood up half waythrough and said, “You know, we Israelishave to admit that listening is a very radicalconcept in Israel, but I think these peopleare onto something.” And there was actuallya great deal of transformation that evening.

Compassionate Listening is the firststep of a peace-building process. I believe init deeply. I know it works because it hasworked for me and those who’veparticipated in the project. I have foundcompassion for some Israeli and Palestinianextremists. It doesn’t mean I condone theiractions, but the point is: How can we sit injudgement of someone whose life we havenot lived?

There are critical ways in which Israelisand Palestinians don’t see one another.While Israelis find it difficult to see


Palestinians as victims, Palestinians find ithard to see Israelis’ sense of vulnerabilityand fear. They see Israeli tanks, helicopters,missiles. They know Israel is the 4th largestmilitary power. But if they had theopportunity to listen to Israelis as we havethey’d experience their incredible sense ofpowerlessness and fear.

Israelis have failed to grasp how patientPalestinians have been with the Oslo peaceprocess. Palestinians bought into Oslo withthe goal of a Palestinian state in the WestBank and Gaza by the end of a 5-yearinterim period. Here it is seven years later,and they’ve watched each year as more andmore of their lands have been confiscated toexpand Israelis settlements. The newPalestinian Intifadah (uprising) is a revoltagainst Israeli occupation, againstsettlements. We were all predicting it 3years ago. You could see it coming. They areenraged and feel they have nothing more tolose.

Peace-building is one person, one heartat a time. It’s a slow process. And it’s theonly way. A paper piece — an agreementbetween governments for example, canhappen literally overnight. But peacebetween people comes slowly, from relation-ship building.

It’s no coincidence that the Israelis andPalestinians whose relationships haveremained strong through this crisis are theones who have worked to buildrelationships. I’ve read articles in the pressthese past months quoting both Israelis andPalestinians who are bitter that businessassociates they thought were friends haven’tcalled to check in and make sure they aresafe. They feel disappointed and betrayed.

But groups like Yitzhak Frankenthal’s,whose remarkable Family Forum bringstogether bereaved Israeli and Palestinianparents who have lost their children to thisconflict, are stronger than ever- even today.What’s the difference? Groups likeFrankenthal’s have sat in each others

homes. They’ve met each others children,and they’ve shared and acknowledged eachother’s pain. They’ve reversed the process ofdehumanization.

I would like to see us create places herein the U.S. where Jews and Palestinianscould come together to learn from oneanother while making a public statement forpeace… like the peace tents that sprung uparound Israel. We need to hear each others’stories. There are successful dialogue groupsacross the country that are changing thehuman relationship and we need these inevery city.

I have a vision: that one day,Palestinians will come by the thousands tothe checkpoints, not with rocks but withcandles or even flowers. And theinternational media will broadcast the massnonviolent movement of the Palestiniansand it will capture the imagination of theentire world. And Israelis will see that theydon’t have to be afraid.

Jews and Palestinians are cousins —we’re Children of Abraham, and I believewe’ll find our way back to one another.Some of us already have. We have to bewilling to listen, to know that our truth isnot the truth. We have to be willing to sayI’m sorry. And if we want to work for peaceand justice, we need to work withcompassion.

Leah Green is the founder of Mid EastCitizen Diplomacy which leads citizendelegations to the Middle East. Ms. Green canbe reached at [email protected] see the following page for informationabout the video, Children of Abraham, whichdocuments the dialogue process described inthis article. This article was first published inthe January/February 2001 issue of HopeDanceMagazine.


Children of AbrahamA documentary video produced by

Leah Green and Peter Hwoschinsky

"Children of Abraham compellinglydocuments the profound possibilities withina society in which friends and enemies alikeattune themselves to the voice of the other. Itshould serve as an urgent reminder of howbadly we transgress and how much we forfeitwhen we dismiss the power of listening as toosimple. This is not a promotion of a naivequick fix, but rather a call to the wrenchingbut essential heroism that Jewish traditionsays inheres in making one's enemy intoone's friend."

Rabbi Gordon Tucker

In January of 1998, twenty-two JewishAmericans traveled to Israel and thePalestinian territories as part of Mid EastCitizen Diplomacy’s Compassionate Listen-ing Project. Children of Abraham is a 34-minute broadcast-quality documentarywhich chronicles this journey.

The film follows the Jewish participantsas they visit with and listen to Israelis andPalestinians - from leaders to refugees, andseek to understand the complexities ofreligious, political and human rights issues.Participants include Jewish leaders andprofessionals ranging from secular toobservant.

This stunning documentary introducesthe Compassionate Listening reconciliationmodel, and humanizes each Israeli andPalestinian portrayed. The film delivers acompelling message that conflict can betransformed through the simple act oflistening.

The following Israelis and Palestinians arefeatured:

• Fatima al-Assad, Palestinian refugee andHigh School Teacher, Kalandia Camp;

• Dr. Haidar Abdul Shafi, Foundingmember, Palestine Liberation Organization(PLO) and Director, Palestinian RedCrescent Society (the Palestinian RedCross);

• Maen Ereikat, Palestinian GovernmentRepresentative, Orient House, EastJerusalem;

• Rabbi Menachem Froman, Founder,Israeli Settlers' Movement and ReligiousAdvisor to the Israeli Knesset;

• Amos Gvirtz, Israeli Peace Activist,Kibbutz Shefayim;

• Eve Harrow, Israeli Resident and TownCouncil Representative, Efrat, West Bank;

• Yossi Klein HaLevi, Journalist, TheJerusalem Report;

• Yehezkel Landau, Co-director, OpenHouse Peace Center, Ramle, Israel;

• Dr. Iyad Sarraj, Director, GazaCommunity Mental Health Programme andDirector, Palestinian IndependentCommission on Human Rights;

• Sheikh Ahmad Yassein, SpiritualLeader of HAMAS - the Islamic ResistanceMovement.

"The politicians and the generals mustultimately resolve the issue, but only whenthe people on opposite sides speak theirfeelings, hear the other and so be heard --will the healing begin. Only throughcompassionate listening is there any hope forthe intergenerational hatred to begin toabate. In this moving film, we understandhow restraint and humility are required ofthe compassionate listener, though not anabandonment of his or her strongly feltemotions."

Blu Greenberg

Price of Video: $29.95. Available from:

Mid East Citizen DiplomacyP.O. Box 17, Indianola, Washington 98432 USA

Telephone: (360) 297-2280 Fax: (360) 297-6563


4Working for ReconciliationUnder the Northern Lights

————————————Gene Knudsen Hoffman

introduces the work of Cynthia Monroeand the Alaskans Listening to Alaskans

about Subsistence Project

Cynthia Monroe, a Quaker inAnchorage, Alaska, was the second personwho called me wanting to useCompassionate Listening as a way ofresponding to a conflict. There was aconflict in Alaska over the uses of huntingand fishing resources. Alaska Native andnon-Native people who rely on wild food forsubsistence and the professional andrecreational hunters and fishers are treateddifferently by federal law and Alaska statelaw, creating a complicated situation thathas become increasingly more heated overthe past decade. Food supplies areprecarious in the far North — there are nosupermarkets, and supplies flown intoremote villages are extremely expensive.

Alaskan Quakers had heard ofCompassionate Listening and wanted to tryit. Cynthia Monroe called me. She, likeLeah Green, is beautiful, bright, andunderstood the program immediately.( It ispart of our Quaker tradition to listencarefully and caringly to both sides of aconflict. This was the process Quakers usedin the 1800’s, well before the Civil War, topersuade their members who had slaves tofree them.)

Cynthia had worked with Alaska Nativepeople, and Alaskans were trying many legalapproaches to resolve the subsistenceconflict, from the State Legislature tolawsuits, and still the strife continued. Shehad heard of the Mid-East program andcalled me to ask if I could come to

Anchorage to train a group of eagerlisteners. When I arrived they hadtownspeople, members of the Athabascanand Yup’ik peoples, and Alaskan Quakers.They, too, were responsive learners, and 1went back a second time to do moretraining. and then they went on their own.

For two years the team worked withsmall groups of urban and rural Alaskansseparately, both Native and non-Native.They listened to each person’s story. InJanuary. 2001, Native villagers and non-Native., urban-based hunters and fisherscame together and were able to listen to oneanother. As a result they came to agreementon seven core values. The report of thisencounter is at the end of the next chapter.

For two years a dozen people havelistened to both sides and now theparticipants so far want to continue theprocess so they can know each other better.and so they can address some of the moredifficult issues in the subsistence conflict.The listening dozen have agreed to do it.

But, there are new challenges facing theCompassionate Listening group, whichwishes to widen the circle of Alaskans beinglistened to, to address the most contentiousaspects of the conflicts in the compassionatelistening context, and to carry the messageof what it is learning to the Alaskancommunity as a whole.

Meanwhile, Cynthia and her husbandJim had a baby girl last April who is namedNéve Sustina. Cynthia took four months ofmaternity leave. Cynthia explained to methat Alaskans don’t work at many tasksother than fishing and gathering food whenit is warm and light outside, so she and thelisteners will take up old and new listeningin Autumn of 2001.



as Practiced in Alaska

Cynthia Monroe

These notes on Compassionate Listening wereprepared for, and from the experience ofAlaskans Listening to Alaskans About Subsis-tence, a Compassionate Listening project ofAlaska Quakers and the American FriendsService Committee in Seattle. This project wasfounded by Gene Knudsen Hoffman.

It may be important to keep our specificcontext in mind while reading this section: thatis, an ad-hoc group of peace workers coordinatedby a single staff person to address a specificconflict over allocation and use of naturalresources in Alaska.

What is Compassionate Listening? Quaker peace activist Gene KnudsenHoffman, who has pioneered CompassionateListening as a peacemaking process, likes toobserve that “an enemy is one whose storywe haven’t heard.” This is the idea thatonce you truly hear another’s story, andunderstand their grievances and sufferings,you will be unable to consider that person asan enemy. You may disagree with themutterly, or find their actions abhorrent, buteven so you will see them as a human being.

Strangely, it doesn’t always take listeningin both directions for this understanding to

run both ways. Once someone perceives thatyou see them as a unique human being, theywill usually regard you the same way. Thiscan open up tremendous opportunities forreconciliation and peace.

For Gene, as for many others, this is aspiritual practice, which for Quakers stemsfrom the testimony of seeking “that of God”in every person. But CompassionateListening is not solely a Quaker pursuit, andit does not promote or require any particularspiritual leaning on the part of thoseinvolved. This emerging discipline is beingcarried forward by (in person and withlearning from) many faiths and secularfields.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s Three Steps to Peace Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanhoutlines the three steps to peace as:

• First, listen to the sufferings of allsides;

• Second, relate the sufferings of allsides to one another; and

• Third, bring all sides together so thatthey may hear one another.

This is the essential map of Com-passionate Listening. In the AlaskansListening to Alaskans About Subsistenceproject, we have been very concerned aboutthe second step, because part of the problemseems to be in people interpreting oneculture to another and vice-versa. [Asexplained in the preceding chapter, thereare serious conflicts in Alaska between theindigenous peoples who fish and hunt forsubsistence and non-Native fishers andhunters who are part of the sport, recreationand commercial segments of Alaskansociety.]

We did not want to exacerbate this, norpaint ourselves as experts or go-betweens.Technology has come to our aid, and videois proving to be a very good way for peoplefrom different backgrounds and points of


view to be introduced to one another in themiddle step.

How is Compassionate Listening differentfrom mediation? Compassionate Listening should not beconfused with mediation or conflictresolution. While it can mediate or resolveconflict, as an approach, it seeks to addressthe roots of discord, not necessarily itsresults. Compassionate Listening directs itselfnot toward finding just resolution of conflict, buttoward reconciliation of those involved,trusting that they will find their own, or willinitiate a process toward, resolution andjustice. Of course, good mediation involvescompassionate listening. The main differ-ence is that Compassionate Listening as apractice is not directed toward an outcomebeyond reconciliation. We go intoCompassionate Listening with the under-standing that true, lasting resolution is builton a foundation of mutual understanding,respect, even love.

Compassionate Listening seeks to estab-lish this foundation by listening deeply tothose involved in conflict, trusting thatmany people, when they truly feel heard,will be curious to hear the experiences ofthose with whom they have disagreed.There is a clear role for third-party listenershere, because very few of us are able to belisteners in situations where we ourselvesare passionately involved.

Mainstream American culture generallydoes not teach listening skills. We functionon a confrontational model of debate andreasoned argument, rather than on a modelof listening carefully to all and arriving atunderstanding and synthesis.

Our paradigm is, “the best idea will win,”not, “everyone has something to contributeto the best idea—which is probablysomething no one has yet thought of.” It isimportant to note that both of theseapproaches are a search for truth, they aresimply different approaches.

The combative approach will invariablyleave someone behind, and may well sowseeds of future open conflict.

How is Compassionate Listening carriedout? This is a discipline in the making, andthere are already a number of differentmodels. Usually more than one listener is

involved, in a interview situation or panelsituation with the speaker or speakers.There are varying degrees of formality toCompassionate Listening events, but theyhave in common that they are not venues fordiscussion or argument, but for listening.Speakers do not respond to what anotherspeaker has said but relate their ownexperience.

Listeners do not contradict or respondwith judgement, and limit their questions toopen-ended questions to draw out moreinformation or to make sure that they haveheard correctly. Often one listener takes therole of moderator, and the listeners mayagree ahead of time that only the moderatorwill respond to the speakers. Greatattention is paid to the principle thatattentive silence can be more welcoming ofwhat a speaker needs to express than eventhe most open verbalized question.Learning Listening Skills So how can those of us who would like tobe formal listeners (or simply to employbetter listening in our lives) learn to listencompassionately in a culture whichcontinually drowns out listening skills?

There are a number of resources forlearning listening skills, all of which can beapplied in the context of CompassionateListening. Psychologists and counselors notonly use good listening skills but often teachthem to their clients, and many of theprinciples and exercises used to conveythem can be found in popular literature oncommunication and relationships.


As with learning anything, observation,analysis, and practice will take you a longway. Hopefully, you have experienced beinglistened to at some time in your life whenyou really felt heard. You can learn a lotabout what constitutes compassionatelistening by thinking about when you doand don’t feel heard.

Some examples…

A few “don’ts” in Compassionate Listen-ing: Interruptions, advice, judgement orjudgmental questions, are all barriers to truelistening. In the context of friendship, thelistener relating a similar story can help youfeel heard or can feel dismissive or asthough you’ve lost the stage. In formallistening, recounting “that reminds me of”stories is out.

The “do’s” can be harder, especially whencross-cultural communication is involved.In general, it is important to learn enoughabout the other culture to avoid being rude,and it is also important not to worry toomuch, with or without culture as a factor.Some people find that nods and eye contacthelp them feel heard, others find this bodylanguage distracting and prefer to belistened to by someone who is very still.

The bad news is that it is extremely hardto train yourself to tailor your body languageto someone else’s preference, even if youknow what that is (for instance, knowingthat direct eye contact will be insulting toyour speaker can help, but trying to keepmuch more in mind at the same time willeffectively keep you from listening).

The good news is twofold: First, sincerityis the most crucial factor. Most people areable to accept a broad range of styles in alistener, provided that your attention is trulypresent and directed toward them. Second,this is one of the strengths of having anumber of listeners present—speakers tendto pay most attention to the listeners whoare giving them the cues that make them

feel most comfortable, and will not giveweight to the other cues in the group.

Compassionate Listening focuses onexperience, validating each person’sexperience regardless of his or herconvictions. Compassionate Listening hearsand accepts convictions, seeking to let go ofpersonal reaction and bringing attentionalways back to personal experience.

We may, once a trusting relationship isestablished, indicate that our ownexperience, or that of others, has led us todifferent convictions. If we do this, it isvital to reiterate at the same time that wehear the speaker’s experience and theconvictions that come from it. We must notelaborate our own position! If asked to do so,we might invite a conversation outside thecontext of the listening session or interview,explaining that we do not wish to make anysecret of our own beliefs but that right nowwe are trying to concentrate and to betterunderstand where the speaker is comingfrom. We might then ask an open-endedquestion about the speaker’s experience.

In Compassionate Listening, we do notseek to change those who share with us, weseek only to love them. The more people areloved, the more freedom they have torespond to their own inner truth—whichmay or may not prompt movement. Theonly change we can be assured of going intoit is that if we truly listen to our fellowhuman beings, we ourselves will be changed.As a listener, you are taking on the role notof judge or mediator, but of healer. Where do grievances and sufferings comeinto it? Everyone experiences pain, andpain is a great teacher. When we suffer, wealso learn. But what we learn dependsgreatly on the reaction to our pain that wemeet as children. As adults, chances arethat we will internally and unconsciouslygive ourselves the same reaction to painfulsituations that we encountered growing up.Because all of us were raised by humans


with human faults and limitations, we allhave at least some experiences from whichwe have never healed.

What happens when people experiencepain? Listeners do not demand or directthat healing, and we come to the taskknowing that our perception of what wouldconstitute healing for the speaker may bewildly off—indeed, it may be we ourselveswho most need to be healed.

What are the results of CompassionateListening? People who are involved withCompassionate Listening projects reportthem to be transforming experiences—usually for both the listeners and speakers.Those who have been polarized by or aredeeply entrenched in an issue have theopportunity to be seen as uniquelyimportant human beings, and often makeuse of the context to learn more about thoseon opposing sides. Thus, those in conflicthave the chance to learn about one anotheras human beings and potential friends. Forlisteners, their understanding of thecomplexities of issues addressed arebroadened and deepened. Theirpreconceptions are often shattered, theirabilities to listen and be present arechallenged and expanded. They find newunderstandings of themselves and others.Often listeners remark at what a reciprocalexperience they have felt, despite onlytaking the role of listener. As for directresults in areas of present conflict, avertingfuture violence, and potentially helping thepolitical process to be more trulydemocratic, we’ll wait and see…

A Word of Caution: When not to getinvolved with Compassionate Listening What would happen if a listener respondednegatively—even on the level of conviction andopinion—to what a speaker says?

This would be experienced by the speakeras further rejection of experience and of self.Instead of healing and room for growth,you’ll wind up with re-injury, confusion,

betrayal. Isolation of the speaker andfurther entrenchment may result.

Therefore, you must not try to take on theCompassionate Listening role in any publicway around an issue where your ownexperience is too fresh or painful. You willget hurt, and you will hurt those with whomyou set out to build bridges.

If you feel in your heart that a certainperson or group is unreachable, evil, orbeyond hope, DO NOT become involved incompassionate listening work with thatgroup or individual! If you are alreadyinvolved and find you feel this way, excuseyourself from the situation , or from theproject.

It is perfectly all right to feel this way, andvitally important to recognize when you do.It may mean you need to rest and come backto it later, or it may mean that the work youare called to with this particular issue is notcompassionate listening, but more directactivism. Consciousness-raising or workingwith other activists against the effects ofthose convictions that disturb you may bemuch more constructive work for you to do.You might wish to be involved in theCompassionate Listening project as aspeaker, rather than a listener. No one of uscan be a listener all the time or on everyissue.

If you would like to know more aboutAlaskans Listening to Alaskans, please contactCynthia Monroe at address shown below. Also,please see project update letter on next page.

Cynthia Monroe, DirectorAlaskans Listening to Alaskans about Subsistence1783 Morningtide Court, Anchorage, AK 99501(907) 278-2582 -- [email protected]


March, 2001 -- UPDATE

An Open Letter to All who work for Peace

From: Alaskans Listening to Alaskansabout Subsistence (a project of theAmerican Friends ServiceCommittee)

Like many, Alaska Quakers have beensad to see bitterness and division as ourState struggles with the current issuessurrounding subsistence uses of fish andgame. Together with the American FriendsService Committee, we formed a Com-passionate Listening project to gather smallgroups of Alaskans to learn about theexperiences and values at the heart of thesubsistence debate. Founded by GeneKnudsen Hoffman, and following her work,this expanding group -- listeners and parti-cipants alike -- has challenged itself to hearthe human story of those with differingviews. By listening fully to each other wehoped to find values we all hold in common.

We began with many meetings of eitherrural or urban groups. Then, from January26-28, 2001, in Fairbanks, we brought par-ticipants from different cultures together.The two dozen urban and rural hunters andfishers who participated from Anchorage,Buckland, and Fairbanks found hope andcommon ground in the following:

• As Alaskans, we are stewards of aremarkable natural bounty. We share asense of wonder, respect, andresponsibility for the future of Alaska’swild places and rich gifts of fish andwildlife.

• Through our Alaskan heritage ofhunting, fishing, trapping and gatheringwe are part of wild Alaska. We valuerespectful and sustainable use ofwildlife, fish, and other resources.

• Each of us has a personal responsibilityto learn about and understand humaninvolvement in Alaska’s land andanimals.

• What we learn from elders and writtenhistory, families and communitiescreates our personal values. We want toteach new generations to hunt and fishwith humility, to use resources withoutwaste, and to share foods generously.

• Many Americans lead lifestyles whichdistance them from the natural world.Direct experience on the land teaches usabout our dependence on ourenvironment and strengthens ourcommitment to protect our home forgenerations to come.

• Alaskans can work together for soundmanagement of hunting and fishing.Local people have deep under-standingof resources and harvest patterns in theirareas. Those who travel to hunt and fishhave a wide view of Alaskan resources.Biologists contribute scientific tools forstudying wildlife and its changes. Wesupport advisory bodies in which localpeople, other Alaskans and resourcemanagers use all these sources ofknowledge to reach shared decisions.

• We are heartened by what we arelearning from one another. Both oursimilarities and our differences can beopportunities for deeper understanding.We look forward to the questions we takewith us from here.

Two dozen Alaskans is a small number.And there are difficult questions which theproject has not yet explored. Yet theparticipants so far did not know they had somuch in common. We hope that over time,more and more Alaskans from differentbackgrounds can build understanding andtrust by listening to what we each care aboutthe most.

Cynthia Monroe, Director


6

Lesson Plans for a Coursein Compassionate Listening


Introduction : An Evocative Approach toTeaching and Learning

I am delighted to put into print thesevery personal lesson plans that have evolvedover the last twenty-one years as I haveexplored the practice of compassionatelistening with many groups and commu-nities. And, I must add, the approachpresented here is so unusual in comparisonto normal teaching methods that it mayneed a little explaining.

Compassionate listening is a gentleand powerful way of intervening in conflicts.The goal of compassionate listening is notdirectly to resolve a conflict, but rather toawaken the hearts of the various conflictparticipants. If the conflict participants cancome to see one another as human and tofeel one another’s sorrows, we advocates ofcompassionate listening believe, they will beable to resolve their conflicts. Without suchdeep, mutual empathy between the partiesin conflict, conflict resolution efforts oftenresult only in temporary truces, soonbroken.

The process of arranging empathicencounters between conflict participantsmakes strong emotional demands onpotential peace-evokers. Rather than push-ing, enticing, threatening, or persuading,peace-evokers using compassionate listeninghave to create by their own centeredness akind of forgiving and accepting emotionalspace into which the conflict participantscan enter. Compassionate listening is aneffort to be non-judgemental in a conflict,and to help each side be more compassion-ate with the other side. The listeners try todo this by embodying more compassionthemselves. Compassionate Listeners

invite, they do not compel. As Gandhi putit, “Be the change you want to see.”

Although each of these lessonscontains inspiring quotes, the purpose of thecompassionate listening training sessions isnot simply to pass on inspiring information.It is about helping people learn to hold theirown emotional ground in the middle ofintense conflict situations. If we leap to theaid of whomever we see as the injured partyin a conflict, we will not be of much help tothe conflict participants in creating a newrelationship.

Compassionate listeners bear gentlewitness to the often painful feelings ofconflict participants, and to the participants’struggles with some of the great issues ofhuman life: forgiveness versus vengeance,self-interest versus generosity, and so on.Thus, we listeners need to be reliably intouch with our own feelings, and need tohave given some thought to these kinds ofissues, lest we be overwhelmed by the powerof what we are called to observe. Each of thefollowing lesson plans presents challengingcontent (about compassion, hatred, forgive-ness, etc.) and then invites the classparticipants to listen to one another as eachworks to clarify thoughts and feelings aboutthat topic.

I hope this kind of preparation willallow us to embody more of the patience,compassion and creative openness that theconflict participants need. And I hope theselessons will continue to evolve as more andmore people around the world are drawn topractice compassionate listening.

Finally, in order to learn how togracefully hold and discuss the pain andconflicts of others, this type of training askspeople to share some (not all) of their ownpain and conflicts. And, in order for peopleto feel safe about such sharing, I recommendthat each training group agree to hold all itsshared personal content as confidential --not to be discussed outside the traininggroup.


Session One: COMPASSION

Love has many faces in this culture. Theform we’re considering today is Compassion-- which is described as “to bear suffering withanother; feeling for and understanding miseryand suffering of others; recognizing that bothvictim and perpetrator are suffering people anddeserve our compassion.”

This is a challenging request of anyoneand it’s a rocky path to walk. But, it seems tooffer a new richness to one’s life. First of allit was the kind of love which it appears wasrecommended to us in Jesus’ admonition to“love your enemies; bless them that hateyou; do good to them that despitefully useyou.”

It appears to be counter to most of ourreasoning; counter (some say) to our nature,indeed, against it. However, if we followthese truths we will, in ancient words, “saveour souls;” save ourselves from a maelstromof attack and counter attack -- for we will seehow quickly, in wars, we come to resembleone another.

So, we’re going to explore whether ornot we can or should practice compassiontoday -- for it is, of course, the basis forCompassionate Listening.

The process for these sessions is that Iwill read a quotation from some of thedeepest thinkers on the session topic. Then Iwill give you my questions about them foryou to answer. Each of you answers thesequestions in your own way, from your ownwisdom. This is a participatory class. I don’thave the answer. We will learn from oneanother as we each present our insights. Wedo not argue or debate each other’scontributions. Rather, we listen and takewhat we like and leave the rest. If you don’tlike a quotation feel free to say so. We’re allnew to this. We’ll be uncertain, say somethings we may find later, we didn’t mean.But everything will be valuable and breadfor this journey.

Quotes & Questions for Discussion:

1. “We have to have a deep, patient com-passion for the fears of people, for the fears andirrational mania of those who hate or condemnus.” Thomas Merton

● Why should we have a “deep patientcompassion for the fears of people.”?

● Are there people you know for whomyou wish you had a deep patientcompassion? What are they like? Whydo you wish this?

● What might you do for them?

2. “To retain contact with the oppressorsneither condones their actions, nor weakenssupport for and commitment to the oppressed. Towork for liberation of the oppressed can behelped by communicating with the oppressors,and may free the oppressors from thedegradation by which they are trapped. Itcannot be realized unless there is contact withthem.” Adam Curle, Quaker international mediator

● What does this bring up for you?

● What do you think he means by “thedegradation by which they aretrapped?”

● How might we free the oppressors fromthe “degradation?”

3. Call me by my True Name – an excerptfrom a poem by Thich Nhat Hanh:

Please call me by my true name,so I can wake up,and so the door of my heart can be left open,the door of compassion.

● Bring to mind a time when you were anoppressor. Describe it.

● What hurts or, what unfulfilled needswere embedded in being an oppressorin this circumstance? Why did you doit?

● What have you learned from thisexercise?


Session Two -- HATRED

Acknowledging hatred in ourselves isvery difficult. Most of us don’t want to do it.We often use less violent terms to describeit. We “dislike, can’t stand, don’tunderstand.” Yet, it’s obvious that peoplebehave as though they hate some people,want to and do. For we find way ofdestroying them by bomb, sanctions, capitalpunishment, abandonment, and other ways.

Other words for hatred are “loathe,despise, detest.” These attitudes don’t makeit easier, but they are powerfully descriptive.

Now we are going to explore hatredand what we might do about it. I think wehate what we fear, and we’re going toapproach it as it seems to exist in ourselvesand others.


1. “Perhaps everything terrible is, in it’sdeepest being, something that needs our love.”

Ranier Maria Rilke.

● Can you think of someone or some-thing terrible that might need your love?

● In rethinking this today, what might youdo?

● If you could cross your barrier of fearand hatred, what might you do today?

2. “In a situation where there is an oppressorand an oppressed, the natural tendency mightwell be to feel such sympathy with the oppressedthat we cannot avoid revulsion at the oppressor.This, however is contrary to peace-making basedon hope for reconciliation. As Paolo Freirewrote: ‘The people who appear to be responsiblefor the oppression are maimed by what they aredoing.’ They must be rescued from the totalsituation.” Adam Curle, Senior Quaker International Mediator

● What might enable you to listen topeople you consider oppressors -- likeHitler, Saddam Hussein, or SlobodanMilosovic?

● Would you need to know how theperson was maimed, or would yousimply assume it from his behavior?Any other way?

● Could you create a ‘safe place’ forthem?

3. Alice Miller, author of the book Paths ofLife, wrote this of hatred: “I see it as aconsequence of rage and despair that cannot beconsciously felt by a child who has been neglectedand maltreated before he or she has learned tospeak. As long as this anger... remains un-conscious or disavowed, it cannot be dissipated.It can only be taken out on oneself or allegedenemies.”

● If punishment, jail or capital punish-ment does not make people better, whatmight?

4. In Buddhism there is a saying: “If youhave an enemy, give him or her a gift.”

● Can you think of a gift you might givesomeone you know personally who hasharmed you?

● What gift might you give to a publicfigure like Hitler, Milosovic, or SaddamHussein? (Hitler, as did SadaamHussein, are reported to have hadexceptionally brutal childhoods.)


Session Three -- DENIAL

Denial seems to be a fixed position formany Americans. It may be for Europeans,Asians — and lots of others, too. Since Iknow my culture best, I can say, withoutqualifications, that we suffer from thissystematic ignoring of our own problematicactions.

I wonder if being “number one” in theworld has anything to do with it. If being aleader in the world, if having been rightabout many things, we’re afraid to admitthat we might ever have made any mistakes?

And, we’ve been in denial about somuch. We ignored the brutal details ofslavery (millions died), and presented“sanitized” versions of slavery in many ofour history books. We’ve gloried in sayingwe’re a peaceful people when we have thebiggest store of weapons in the world, andwe’ve fought many wars, beginning with theRevolutionary one. We continue to imposeeconomic sanctions on Iraq for variousgeopolitical reasons and try to ignore thecatastrophic consequences this has had onthe children of Iraq.

Charlotte Kasl, author of the bookMany Roads, One Journey, calls denialpsychic numbing, which simply meansbeing out of touch with reality, our own andthe world’s. No matter what causes it it’scritically important to get over it. Denial is adeliberate “not seeing” of one’s own actions,a peculiar way of lying both to others and toourselves.


1. Denial begins in small ways in everydaylife. Let’s look at a few things we might doabout it.

● What do you answer when someoneasks “How are you?”

● Can you think of something to answerthat isn’t “fine”, and follow it with a“How are you?”.

● What might you say instead of “fine” or

“great”? Please give me an example.

2. We’ve long denied the effects of havingpracticed slavery in our nation. Thiswounded the people we enslaved andourselves. We held tragically wrong ideasabout the equality of human beings, and thevalue of people different from ourselves.

● How important is it to you for a countryto be able to admit its mistakes? Why?

● Do you find the legacy of slavery hasaffected your life? If so, how? And haveyou done anything about it? If so, what?If not, what might you do?

3. How much do you feel we shouldapologize to the people we have harmed inthe course of history: the Native Americans,African Americans, Asians and all theothers?

● How would you go about it?● In what way would doing this change

you?● Would it make society better? How?● Do you feel we should make amends

and restitution? If so, why and how? Orif not, why not?

4. Each culture has its own areas of denialwaiting to be explored. As a U.S. citizen, Iam particularly concerned about the warswe’ve participated in, capital punishment,overthrowing governments we don’t likethrough acts of violence, the difficulties wehave caused for countries like Cuba andNicaragua by seeking to destroy theirindependent institutions, their economies,and their leaders.

● How important is it to you for a countryto be able to admit its mistakes? Why?

● Where do you feel we should makepublic apologies, and ask for forgive-ness?

● How do you think a listening groupcould be developed in your communitythat would make a practice ofCompassionate Listening to publicconflicts such as racial difficulties,capital punishment, abortion, affordablehousing, and health care for all ages?


Session Four -- FORGIVENESS

I think the experiment of Truth andReconciliation in South Africa is one ofthose incredible shifts in history. For me, itis breathtaking and astonishing. Whoeverthought people could truthfully confess toheinous crimes and be forgiven by the otherside? That is what happened in some of thecases in South Africa. Who could havedreamed people could acknowledge theyhad murdered and tortured others andamnesty would be declared for them?

This has happened in South Africa insome cases, and it is an amazing adventureand an example I feel we need to follow.For, confession is a healing process -- itheals minds, bodies, and perhaps souls. Itoften enables the perpetrator to see thesuffering he or she has caused, to feelremorse, to make amends and experiencesome kind of reconciliation. And,sometimes, the victim has a shift inperception of the perpetrator, recognizes hiswoundedness and quest for healing.

As Desmond Tutu tells us in his bookThere Is No Future Without Forgiveness, theTruth and Reconciliation Commission wasfar from perfect, far from resolving terriblecrimes, far from developing a societywithout hate and rancor. But, it was a step.It was a healing process. And, knowing thetruth of what happened to friends andfamily is a comfort after one has lived longwith unknowing.

Now, we’re going to explore forgivingothers and asking for forgiveness. My beliefis there is no possible peace withoutreconciliation -- which means bringingtogether those whose relationships havebeen severed or broken. There can betreaties without reconciliation but historyshows us they do not bring peace. Theyoften bring resentment which bursts into

anger and ultimately the long-tried“solution” which does not bring reconcilia-tion: war.

In Desmond Tutu’s own words: “I havesaid ours is a flawed commission. Despite that, itwas, in an imperfect world, the best possibleinstrument so far devised to deal with the kindof situation that confronts us.... This tired,cynical, disillusioned world.., has marveled at aprocess that holds out considerable hope... Ibelieve God has chosen us... God wants to showthat there is life after conflict and repression --that because of forgiveness there is a future.”


1. “The faculty of forgiveness is the onlycatalyst for reversing the flow of pain from pasthurts and injustices. They paralyze memory andpoison the future.” Hannah Arendt

● Have you ever experience a catalyst forreversing the flow of pain for pasthurts?

● If so, what was it? If not, how do youheal past hurts?

● What was the pain and what did you doto heal it?

2. Bishop Tutu visited Vad Yashem, theholocaust museum in Jerusalem. When themedia asked for his impressions, he said: “Itwas a shattering experience”, and added “TheLord I serve would have asked ‘but what aboutforgiveness?’ ” For this he was vilified anddiscredited in Israel.

● Do you think Bishop Tutu’s questionwas appropriate? Why? Why not? Cansuch a question be asked about theholocaust? What good does it do?

● How important do you think forgive-ness is to peace? to reconciliation? Doyou think it is right to suggest for-giveness without insisting on somepunishment for the perpetrator?

● Does that go for any perpetrator or all --what do they need to do to deserve it?

(continued)


3. It’s time to come to personal forgivenessand see how that works.

● Have you been able to forgive hurts thatyou personally received? Can youdescribe them and how you handledthem?

● Do you feel you’re made weaker orstronger by forgiveness? How? Why?

● Why is forgiveness so difficult? Whyhave we chosen punishment instead?

● Do you see any hope in it?

Session Five – RECONCILIATION

Reconciliation is the most difficult of peaceprocesses. It is rarely practiced. Theliterature on it is sparse, because it meanseach side must give up some of its hopes anddreams.

As you know, I do not believe we canmake peace unless we listen to our enemieswithout judgment. We need to understandtheir sufferings and grievances. We mustmake a safe place for them to speak theirhatred, anger, fears, hopes, and truths. Foreveryone has some truth. I believeCompassionate Listening is one of theradical turns we must take towardreconciliation, which I also believe is theonly guarantor of peace. Pursing thepractice of it enlarges our awareness oftruth.

This will take time and work andattention to “the other”. Peace may be thegoal, but it will never be ours until wepractice reconciliation in our personal andpublic lives. Since this is new to all of us,we will all make mistakes. And, if we areserious, we will learn from them.

I think reconciliation happens whenboth parties acknowledge the harm theyhave done -- to ourselves, others, other

groups and other nations. After we knowthe harm we have done and acknowledge it,we can make our amends and ultimatelymake peace. (I say both parties -- each partymay have different timing on this acknow-ledgement. Perhaps each acknowledges andpursues amends at different times. And thisis part of “the work”. We must accept it).

No matter where we practice com-passionate listening or for how long a time --it’s valuable. I learned that whatever we doto implement it takes time. But, it’sfascinating and experimenting with it canteach us a lot about good human relations --which I think are essential to peace. Indeed,I think bad human relations, not bombs andthe military, are the causes of war.

What I see now, is to work forreconciliation in every conflict -- large andsmall -- with the tools we have. And, as weproceed we will find, as we Quakers say, that“the Way will open.”


1. To be a reconciler, according to AdamCurie, “is to consider each side withoutjudgment -- seeking the healing truth of eachside. It is an effort to establish toleration,friendliness, good will, and concern. Embracingall these, the listener must also embrace a set ofconvictions regarding human nature and itsgoodness. [My experience leads me] to truly trustthat this approach is conducive to changes inperception that favor good sense, and, above all,mercy and compassion.”

● Can you think of a public leader youdislike for whom you might be able todevelop toleration, friendliness andgood will?

● What do you feel you need to know todevelop these attitudes? How would youknow they are true? How would you usethem in a situation where push comes toshove?


2. Now we’re going to try an experiment:We’re going to write a love letter to someonewhom we truly dislike. As Thich Nhat Hanhsays, “The peace movement can write very goodprotest letters, but they are not yet able to writelove letters. We need to write letters to the headsof State, to the president that they will want toread. It we are not peaceful, we cannotcontribute to peace.”

● Write a love letter to anyone in the worldyou fear or hate, living or dead, and thenwe will read them aloud.

3. There is a statement from a book on theHolocaust called Messages from the Dead. Itreminds us that we should not “look toolong into the fire, but look to that whichgives us life.” With it goes this message fromBuddhism. The message is that there is aGreat Ball of Merit in this world, and thatno matter how many horrible things arehappening, the world is also shot throughwith hidden acts of goodness. These secretgoods are what keeps the world in balance.

● In closing, let’s shift our view from thefire to those secret acts of good, andspend the rest of the time sharing somethat we know, or that we want toperform.

Session Six -- Exploring Thich NhatHanh’s Approach to the Art of Listening

Here are some of the most inspiring andprovocative sayings that I have gatheredfrom the books and retreats of Thich NhatHanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk,writer, and peacemaker whose under-standing of peace was tested in the fire ofthe Vietnam war. To each quote I haveadded one or more exploratory questionswhich I hope will encourage you toencounter these ideas on a more personallevel.

Each person has pain. We cannot be happyunless we are heard and understood. We mustlearn the art of speaking and listening. We wantto listen to heal the suffering in the world. Wemust make no judgements. If we aren’t listenedto, we become sick. We go to therapists.

● Tell me of a time you were heard andunderstood. How did you feel - did itrelease new energies in you?

● Do you feel being listened to healssuffering? why? Why not?

In listening there must be no reacting.“Tell me what is hurting you” - then listen. Ifwe need to listen to something negative aboutourselves, instead of blaming another, makingthem feel bad, it is better to respond with “Oh - Isee I made you suffer - tell me more so I will notdo it again.” This will stop our irritation.

● Why must we not react when we arelistening?

● Do you think the above response tosomething negative about ourselves isappropriate? Do you think you could doit? Do you feel it would elicit a kindresponse? Why? Why not?

● Is this a creative way to respond tonegativity? do you have another idea?

Mindfulness is the blood of our conscious-ness. It will improve the quality of ourconsciousness.

● What does mindfulness mean to you?How do you think it improves the qualityof consciousness?

Western medicine “cuts out and throwsaway”... Breathe. Increase the quality of yourmindfulness and you increase the “healingblood”. Breathe three times before you respondto anything negative. BE mindful, or aware, ofwhat you are doing. Mindfulness is beingpresent. If you have pain and don’t know it - itwill stay forever. When pain is embraced by yourawareness, it changes. If we expose our pain tosuffering, it is transformed.


● Has this happened to you? Do youexpose your pain to suffering? Howdoes that affect you? If you don’t dothis, how do you handle your pain? Howdoes that way affect you?

When one has suffered so much, one cannothelp others. Look at anything mindfully(awarely) and something will happen. Breathinghelps restore awareness. The person who hasmade you suffer is very unhappy. Look deeply atindividuals and community -- you will discovertheir suffering. A ‘bad’ person is deeplywounded.

● Have you ever seen a ‘bad’ person as awounded person? Did that change yourattitude if the person hurt you? Why?Why not?

Everyone hurt in battle is deeply wounded.Look deeply into their wounds -- ask them to tellyou of their suffering. Try to show them truthwith loving kindness -- even if they believe waris clean, liberating, moral -- try to show themhow much suffering war causes.

● What do you think Thich Nhat Hanhmeans by “Everyone hurt in battle isdeeply wounded? What truth will youshow them through loving kindness?What do you think he means by “War isloss of the whole world?”

Reconciliation is a great art whichrequires us to understand both sides of a conflict,but we who are not in the conflict also bear someresponsibility. If we had lived awarely, we couldhave seen the beginning phases and helped toavoid it.

The reconciler is not a judge standingoutside the conflict, but becomes an insider whowill take his or her responsibility byunderstanding the suffering of both sides. Theparticipants to the conflict should communicateclearly how they see the suffering endured by theother side. The conflict’s resolution should beoffered on the basis of benefit to both sides. Ourpurpose is the realization of understanding andcompassion.

● What attitude do we need to develop tobe able to stand outside the conflict?

● What responsibility do those who arenot in the conflict bear for it. Can youthink of anything we could do about aconflict in our city, our country, ourworld?

Here are three related quotes fromother writers that you may use to explore thepath toward reconciliation described byThich Nhat Hanh

We of the peace movement are obsessedwith getting someone else to stop their war-making so we may have peace. I believe wemust be the peace -- we must create smallcorners of loving consideration and live peace.


The hardest and most essential sacrificedemanded for genuine peace is that of one’s self-image as the innocent victim at the hands of acruel enemy. If we can be led to see thecontribution of our own people to the conflict,both can assume responsibility for the tragedy.

Yhezkel. Landau, Israeli Peacemaker

How could we make a place for anorganization that could be trusted by both sides -that could find human faces of ‘the enemy’ andcarry that message?

Herb Walters, Founder of The ListeningProject and Rural Southern Voice for Peace,Burnsville, North Carolina.


Session Seven -- Adam Curle’s Tools forTransformation

Adam Curle is an international mediatordeeply influenced by the Quaker andBuddhist traditions. His mediation effortsincluded encouraging a dialogue betweenthe two sides in the Nigerian civil war (1967-1970). Here are some provocative quotesfrom his 1990 book, Tools for Transformation.


1. Whether people are ordinary citizens orheads of state, they are equally capable ofmanifesting the great quality of wisdom andcompassion and, the insidious venom ofignorance, hatred and greed. The former impelsus to sensible and humane actions. The latterimpels into creating conditions that weakenawareness and smother kindness and generosity.These “poisons” give rise internationally as wellas personally, to extremes of physical violence,persecution and famine.

● Can you give examples of theseextremes in today’s world?

● Have you experienced them?

● How did you respond?

2. The task for would-be peacemakers/listeners must be on two levels. They must digout the roots of unpeacefulness within them-selves; the blindness, the illusory sense of “I”, thecravings, antipathies, and guilt. Without thiseffort, however partially successful, they cannever hope to have any real effect on others.

● Do you think we have any of theseroots? How would you “dig them out”.Do you think this is a once-in-a-lifetimejob - or needs to be done many times?Why?

● How do these “roots” affect ourlistening?

3. Listening, then, (working for peace) isworking for the transformation of the world.This is not arrogant or foolish - if we… remem-ber that everything we do or say has a universalimpact. ... In this context to do NOTHING isto do SOMETHING.

Listening mediation is a psychological effortto change perceptions, both of the conflict and ofthe “enemy” … to the extent that both protag-onists gain some hope of a reasonable resolutionand so are prepared to negotiate seriously.

● How does listening change thespeaker’s perceptions? Why do youthink that would happen? Inanswering this, refer to yourexperiences of being listened to.

4. Of his mediation work, Adam has thisto say, which I believe applies equally wellto Compassionate Listening:

Quaker mediators have adopted aparticular approach and style to their work. Itsmain characteristics are that it combines psycho-logy with diplomacy and it tends to last a longtime, years rather than months.

Wars may drag on because each combatanthas so distorted a perception of the other’scharacter that a non-military resolution seemsimpossible. That is the reason — when the timehas come — we tell each side about thegrievances and suffering of the other side — thisis our attempt to bring about a change in under-standing and includes continual interpretationsof what the other side is saying, explanation oftheir attitudes, therapeutic listening and thedevelopment of a personal relationship of truthsand friendship with the people we listen to onboth sides. By such means tensions from hostilityand anxiety may be reduced to a point wherecautious hope prevails.

● Do you think you can develop a trustingrelationship with some one with whomyou totally disagree - or can you findevidence of truth in both sides? Howwould you go about it?


6. Adam Curle quotes Paolo Freire inhelping us to understand this importanttreatment of oppression: The oppressed mustnot, in seeking to regain their humanity, becomein turn oppressors, but rather restorers of thehumanity of both.

● How might your listening help theoppressed to reconsider the humanityof the oppressors? Do you have thepatience to wait?

7. Again Adam refers to Paolo Freire:However unpropitious the circumstances mayseem to be, it is necessary to maintain arelationship with both sides. To maintaincontact with the oppressor neither condones theiractions, nor weakens support for andcommitment to the oppressed: “to work for theliberation of the oppressed can be helped bycommunicating with the oppressors, for our goalis also to free the oppressor from the degradationin which they are trapped, and it cannot berealized unless there is contact between them.”

● Do you think you could maintain arelationship with an oppressor over along period of time? What would youneed to sustain it?

8. No one can pretend that nonviolence is easy.It goes against all conventional habits of mind tolove our enemies, to separate bad actions fromthose who commit them, to dissolve resentmentand resign the prospect of revenge in an all-inclusive love. But attitudes of violence aresimply bad habits superimposed on a mind that iseternal and universal. Fundamentally thedoctrine of nonviolence is more natural than thedismal teachings of vengeance and retribution.

● Do you believe this is true, that violenceis a bad habit? What does Adam meanto you when he says these habits are“superimposed on a mind that is eternaland universal?” How might you definethe cause of violence? How would youeliminate this bad habit? (If you thinkyou have it?) Can you accept Adam’sdefinition of violence? Do you haveanother one?

Homework and Class Exercises

HOMEWORK

The ideal way is to select a street inyour town to listen to. Take a few blocks.Ask another classmate to go with you. eachof you should take one side of the street.Check with one another from time to time.

Then you ring doorbells. You explain tothe resident that you are doing a survey foryour class in Compassionate Listening andyou would like to ask them a few questionsabout suffering in your area.

Here are the questions:

1. What kinds of suffering do you seein our town today?

2. What do you think our city shoulddo about it?

3. What personal action do you thinkcitizens should take to help?

4. (If it seems appropriate ask) How doyou handle your suffering?

5 Report back to your class.

CLASS EXERCISES

Here are some exercises that will help youstart expanding your capacity to holdconflicts more compassionately, beginningwith material from your own life.

● Can you write a letter of appreciation toa politician with whom you disagreestrongly?

In the course of life we can come to see thateven the most painful experiences can havedeep lessons to teach use, or deep strengthsto evoke from us.

● Can you write a love letter to a personyou hate? Describe to them what theydid that felt hurtful. Then, how wouldyou tell the person what you havelearned and/or how you have grown?Can you thank them? How does it feel,stretching yourself this far?


7Sources for Further Reading About


1. No Royal Road to Reconciliation, by GeneKnudsen Hoffman. Published by PendleHill Publications, 338 Plush Mill Road,Wallingford, Pa. 19086-6099 ($4.00)

2. An Enemy Is One Whose Story We Have NotHeard, by Gene Knudsen Hoffman, Fellow-ship of Reconciliation, P.O. Box 271, Nyack,New York 10960 ($8.00)Also at www.coopcomm.org/listening.htm

3. Listening With the Heart, a Guide forCompassionate Listening by CarolHwoshinsky, Mid East Citizen Diplomacy,P.O. Box 17, Indianola, WA. 98432, USA.(www.mideastdiplomacy.org) This book isan in-depth study of the psychology, theprocess, and practice of CompassionateListening by one of its most experiencedpractitioners, Carol Hwoshinsky. ($22.50)

4. Tools for Transformation, A Personal Study,by Adam Curle., Hawthorne Press, UnitedKingdom, 1990. Unfortunately, this book iscurrently out of print. But you may be ableto find it in college libraries.

5. Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh,Parallax Press, P.O. Box 7455, Berkeley, CA94707, 1987. “Being Peace is a jewel of loveand wisdom, a mirror reflecting our ownhappy Buddhahood, as Hanh always pointsout, and it is a recognition that will inspireeveryone, regardless of previous religiouspersuasion, with the unexpected joy ofsmiling. Hanh reminds us of the funda-mental importance for the world of just oneperson smiling, breathing, and beingpeace…” (from a review in IndependentPublisher) ($10.00)

8Parting Words

We cannot make peacewith someone whom we refuse to listen to.

Seeking a merciful justice for theoppressed is part of the truth. Seekingrecognition of the truths on each side of aconflict - and recognizing that all parties toa war are wounded - is another part of thetruth and the part I want to see emphasizedin Compassionate Listening.

Many blessings,



An Exploratory Sourcebook

About Conflict Transformation

Gene Knudsen HoffmanLeah Green

Cynthia Monroe

Edited by and with an introduction byDennis Rivers

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