Communication

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Effective communication helps build friendships and strengthen commitment during courtship and marriage.

The Savior taught: “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matthew 12:34). Effective communication helps us enjoy the company of others, share feelings and ideas, and build relationships that endure from first acquaintance through love and commitment. Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally” (Conference Report, Apr. 1976, 80).

Effective communication is vital to a close relationship.

The Scriptures contain examples of righteous communication that strengthens relationships.

Reference Negative Communication

Positive Communication

Principle of Communication

Proverbs 8:6-9 Speaks of wickedness, is forward and perverse.

Speaks of excellent things, right things, truth, righteousness, plainness.

Use clean speech. Tell the truth.

Proverbs 15:1-2 Speaks grievous words that stir up anger, speaks foolishness.

Gives soft answers that turn away wrath, is wise and knowledgeable.

We can avoid much contention by communicating positively and honestly

Proverbs 15:28 “Pours out” evil things.

“Studies” before answering.

Think before you speak.

Matthew 12:34-37 Comes from an evil heart, speaks idle words that will condemn.

Comes from a good heart, speaks good things that will justify.

Our speech can indicate our character.

Matthew 15:16-20 Comes from an evil heart, defiles, bears false witness, commits blasphemy.

Evil thoughts lead to evil speech.

Ephesians 4:29, 31-32

Is corrupt, bitter, wrathful, angry, loud, full of malice.

Is edifying, kind, tenderhearted, forgiving.

Avoid evil speech. Repent of evil.

Colossians 4:6 Is full of grace and wisely seasoned.

Strive to make your speech edifying.

Speak so plainly that they can’t possibly misunderstand!

2 Nephi 25:20

Appropriate sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns help strengthen relationships.

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And now my brethren, I have spoken plainly that ye cannot err.

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Six Killer Tips For Marriage

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Words Women Use:“FINE”-

This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up.

NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

“FIVE MINUTES”-

This is one hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash.

“NOTHING”

If you ask her what is wrong and she says “Nothing,” this means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.

“GO AHEAD” (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

“GO AHEAD” (normal eyebrows)

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

“LOUD SIGH”

This is not usually a word, but it is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men.

A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

“SOFT SIGH”

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.

“Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

“THAT’S OKAY”-

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.

“That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done.

“That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

“PLEASE DO”-

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

“THANKS”

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say “you’re Welcome.”

“THANKS A LOT”

This is much different from “Thanks.”

A woman will say, “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

Matthew 5:37

Yea yea or nay nay = Honest dialogue!

3 Nephi 11:3-5

Not harsh, not loud, open your ears!

How do you open your ears!

In an age when verbal karate has some sway, we must be willing to let the gentling influence of the gospel tame the tongue --- however tempting the tongue’s target. So many of our soul scars are made by words --- not deeds (Neal A. Maxwell, The Smallest Part, 72).

Geniality is a part of Christian communication, but so is accuracy. In the same way that vagueness in theology produces human misery, so vagueness in our communication produces difficulty. Evan Hill in writing about the need for accuracy said, “When we show that we care enough to be accurate, a current of warmth is generated between people.” While candor often depends upon a commitment to courage and truth, accuracy often depends upon our not being lazy or indifferent about either issues or people. Fuzziness in communication can mean that we simply do not care about the receiver of our communication (Neal A. Maxwell, The Smallest Part, 72-73).

Studies have shown that the average man speaks about 12,000 words a day and the average woman speaks about 25,000 words a day. And all too often when a man comes home from work he has used the vast majority of his daily allotment while his wife has just gotten warmed up. Add this to the fact that, as Joe Tanenbaum states, a woman “receive[s] almost half as much input from her senses as a man, store[s] more information, and can retrieve it more quickly and with more accuracy than he, which automatically gives her more to talk about” (Male and Female Realities (Sugar Land, TX: Candle Publishing, 1990) 112).

Husbands, you need to talk to your wife. She needs it. Wives, let your husband know that you want to listen to him, that you want his opinion, then accept it without criticism. Sometimes the reason men don’t talk is because women don’t stop talking and give them a chance.

Men & Women Communicate Differently

Studies show that the most commonly reported marital problem is communication. Therapists report that 84% of the couples they work with cite communication as at least one of their major concerns.

The most common complaint husbands have about wives is that they are always nagging about something.

Wives, on the other hand, complain that they can’t ever seem to get their husbands to talk about anything.

WHY SUCH A DIFFERENCE?1st Many wives who may not have much adult conversation during a

typical day or who may spend much of the day ministering to the needs of children, look forward to having their husbands come home. They think “Oh good, now is my chance to talk and be ministered to.” Husbands, on the other hand, come home thinking, “Oh good, now is my chance not to talk. I can just sit quietly and read the newspaper or watch TV.” To many husbands, “silence is golden.” To many wives, “silence isn’t golden; it’s just plain yellow!”

2nd Many husbands tend to assume that everything is fine when there in no talking, whereas wives tend to assume that, if no one is talking, something is wrong. To husbands, it often seems that the more the couple talks about the relationship, the worse things get. They don’t understand why wives can’t let well enough alone instead of talking everything to death. In contrast, wives feel that the only way to resolve issues is to talk about them. Silence only makes things worse.

3rd Women are more inclined, than men, to express how they feel and want to know how others feel.

They believe in expression of feelings is necessary to be close to someone.

Men, on the other hand, are more inclined to express how they think.

Expressing feelings makes many men feel vulnerable, and feeling vulnerable makes them feel less in control.

The fear of not being in control may be one reason why men are often hesitant to ask directions, even when hopelessly lost!

4thMany women feel that “if I tell my husband what I want or what is important to me, or what I would like him to do around the house, he will do it.” When she tells him, and nothing happens, she assumes it is only because he did not really understand how she felt or what she wanted. So, she tells him again. He feels nagged. So why didn’t he do what she wanted in the first place?

Studies show that men resist being told what to do by anyone and especially by a woman.

Another common concern expressed by women is that “my husband doesn’t listen to me. He pretends to listen while he watches TV or reads the paper. He won’t look at me when I speak.” The husband says “What do you mean? I’m listening!” “Okay, what did I say then?” the wife asks.

Many times husbands can tell their wives what they said and the wives are surprised.

It is true that many times husbands don’t listen very well.

Elder Russell M. Nelson said:

“Learn to Listen, and then listen to learn from one another”

Listen!

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deafAmerican Indian proverb

The Universal Need:

Validation starts with understanding the universal need that each person has to feel, that I am worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me.

Principles of Validation:

It is the “ability to walk with another person emotionally without trying to change his or her direction (Gary & Joy Lundberg, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better (New York: Viking, 1999), 8).

It is comforting and freeing when your mate walks beside you emotionally, allowing you to explore and wander where you want to go.

The Basic Underlying Premise of Validation:

I don’t have the power to make anything all better for anyone else. I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better.

The idea of validation is to be able to view something through the eyes and feelings of the other person. Realize that each person has his or her own set of feelings and experiences; when you seek to understand them from his or her viewpoint, you are showing great respect. You do not change or discount your own beliefs, feelings, or experiences. You get out of yourself for a while and into “other” orientation --- the most important other: your spouse.

Keep in mind that you can listen to those needs with full interest because you don’t have to fix them or solve them.

Non-Verbal BehaviorAnother principle of effective communication is non-verbal behavior or body language. Some experts estimate that only 35% of what we communicate comes through the words we use. 65% of what we communicate comes through our non-verbal behaviors. Body language tells other people about our feelings even before we open our mouths.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton said:

“We must learn to communicate effectively not only by voice, but by tone, feelings, glances, mannerisms, and total personality… A meaningful smile, an appropriate pat on the shoulder, and a warm handshake are all-important” (“Family Communication”).

SMILINGIt is estimated that the average child smiles or laughs several hundred times a day. As we get older, we sometimes get away from that.

For some people, it seems you can’t squeeze a smile out of them.

A natural spontaneous smile indicates friendliness or willingness to communicate. We smile to say hello, to indicate approval or interest. But, make sure you combine smiling with an approach or attempt at conversation.

If you smile for too long without further action, you may scare the other person away.

EYE CONTACTEye contact probably signals more to a person than any other nonverbal behavior.

Looking away is generally read as a signal that you are not interested, or perhaps are trying to hide something. But, it is also important to learn the difference between eye contact and staring.

NODDINGNodding communicates approval or says “I’m with you.” How often should you nod? Try not to nod mechanically throughout the conversation. Instead, choose to nod when you especially agree with what is being said or when you particularly want to encourage further sharing.

A study was done several years ago in which participants were paired with someone of the same sex and same age. Two chairs were placed outside a room. Each pair was told to take the chairs into the room and “just visit” for awhile until the researchers were ready to begin the study.

In reality, the study was to watch their communication patterns. They found one dominant pattern and difference between boys and girls of all ages.

The boys took the chairs into the room and set them side by side (facing in the same direction). They communicated fine but rarely looked at each other and kept their bodies sideways to each other. The girls faced each other and maintained considerable eye contact.

It seems, then, to be more natural for women to face others and maintain eye contact than it does for men.

What value might there be in knowing of such differences?

It isn’t so that we can point them out. And it isn’t to get our partners to be more like us.

It is to help increase our understanding and tolerance of each other and our patience with each other.

It is to help us better meet each other’s needs.

Another listening difference can be found between men and women.

Many women say “Why is it that every time I express concerns about the children or talk about my problems or worries, you give me advice? I don’t want advice. I just want you to listen.”

Meanwhile, the husband, who is socialized to be a problem-solver, assumes that the reason she is telling him all this is because she wants to help in finding a solution to the problem. He may even become impatient, wanting her to “hurry and get to the point” so that the problem can be solved and they can move on.

For men, closeness begins once the problem is solved. For women, it isn’t necessary to solve the problem to be close, because it is the sharing that creates closeness, not the problem-solving.

That’s what we all need --- a listening ear from the most important person in our lives.

7 Basic Suggestions for More Effective Communication (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, C.R., Apr. 1976, 79-82)

1. Sacrifice:

Take time to be available. When we convey the attitude of “go away, don’t bother me now,’ family members are apt to go elsewhere or isolate themselves in silence.

2. Setting Stage

The location, setting, or circumstances should be comfortable, private, and conversation-conducive.

3. Listening

Listening requires undivided attention. The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard.

4. Voice Feelings

Too often when we are not able to converse with a daughter or wife we wonder, “What is wrong with

her?” when we should be wondering, “What is wrong with our methods?”

5. Do Not Judge

Try to be understanding and not critical. Avoid imposing your values on others.

6. Be Worthy Of Trust

A willingness to maintain confidences.

7. Communicate Patiently

Each of us needs to avoid coming through as one who has given up and has become totally weary in trying.

How forcible are right words!