Communicating with your teenager: The art of editing
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Communicating with your teenager: The art of editing
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a 5-minute parenting hack
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fromfatheringhacks.com
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Peter Drucker* once said, "communication is what the listener
does"—or in other words, communication has only happened if the intended
recipient hears and understands the intended message.
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Communication with a teenager is a minefield of misunderstanding at the best
of times.
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When you need to get through to your teenager, your first goal is to maximise
the chance they will hear and understand you. Sometimes it's what you choose not to say that's as important as
what you do say.
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Deliberately leaving out words that could distract, waylay or provoke unnecessary resistance from your teenager is called
editing.
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Lots of things are best left unsaid, even when you are thinking or feeling them in the moment—let's start with the obvious.
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Name calling“You idiot.”“You fool.”
“You moron.”
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Name calling“You idiot.”“You fool.”
“You moron.”
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Name calling“You idiot.”“You fool.”
“You moron.”
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Name calling“You idiot.”“You fool.”
“You moron.”
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Criticism“That dress makes your bum look big.”
“Your shirt is hanging out.”“That's a stupid thing to say.”
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Criticism“That dress makes your bum look big.”
“Your shirt is hanging out.”“That's a stupid thing to say.”
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Criticism“That dress makes your bum look big.”
“Your shirt is hanging out.”“That's a stupid thing to say.”
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Criticism“That dress makes your bum look big.”
“Your shirt is hanging out.”“That's a stupid thing to say.”
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Character assassination“You're selfish!”
“You're inconsiderate!”“You’re thoughtless!”
“You’re irresponsible!”
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Character assassination“You're selfish!”
“You're inconsiderate!”“You’re thoughtless!”
“You’re irresponsible!”
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Character assassination“You're selfish!”
“You're inconsiderate!”“You’re thoughtless!”
“You’re irresponsible!”
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Character assassination“You're selfish!”
“You're inconsiderate!”“You’re thoughtless!”
“You’re irresponsible!”
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Character assassination“You're selfish!”
“You're inconsiderate!”“You’re thoughtless!”
“You’re irresponsible!”
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Name calling, criticism and character assassination will provoke resistance
from any self-respecting teenager.
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Name calling, criticism and character assassination will provoke resistance
from any self-respecting teenager.
When they hear it, they will put their energy into fighting the
insult rather than understanding your point of view.
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Now let’s look at some common but more subtle communication blockers.
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BlamingLaying the responsibility for a problem totally and unfairly on the shoulders of
your teenager.
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BlamingLaying the responsibility for a problem totally and unfairly on the shoulders of
your teenager.
“You need to listen!”“You need to show some respect!”
“You need to grow up!”
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BlamingLaying the responsibility for a problem totally and unfairly on the shoulders of
your teenager.
“You need to listen!”“You need to show some respect!”
“You need to grow up!”
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BlamingLaying the responsibility for a problem totally and unfairly on the shoulders of
your teenager.
“You need to listen!”“You need to show some respect!”
“You need to grow up!”
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BlamingLaying the responsibility for a problem totally and unfairly on the shoulders of
your teenager.
“You need to listen!”“You need to show some respect!”
“You need to grow up!”
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Overstatement Over generalising or
exaggerating a problem.
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Overstatement Over generalising or
exaggerating a problem.
“You are always on that IPad!”“You never help out around the house!”
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Overstatement Over generalising or
exaggerating a problem.
“You are always on that IPad!”“You never help out around the house!”
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Overstatement Over generalising or
exaggerating a problem.
“You are always on that IPad!”“You never help out around the house!”
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Kitchen sinkingRaising irrelevant issues
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Kitchen sinkingRaising irrelevant issues
“I don't understand how you can do your homework with the television on. And Big Brother is such a crappy show! How you can even bare to watch it is beyond me.”
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Kitchen sinkingRaising irrelevant issues
“I don't understand how you can do your homework with the television on. And Big Brother is such a crappy show! How you can even bare to watch it is beyond me.”
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Now that we know some of the things to be vigilant for, let’s give the internal
censor a bit of a work out.
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"This room is a disgrace. You’re a slob. Clean it up quick smart!”
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"This room is a disgrace. You’re a slob. Clean it up quick smart!”
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"This room is a disgrace. You’re a slob. Clean it up quick smart!”
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"This room is a disgrace. You’re a slob. Clean it up quick smart!”Please
your room now.
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“That lipstick makes you look like a tart”.
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“That lipstick makes you look like a tart”.
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“That lipstick makes you look like a tart”.I don't think that lipstick suits you.
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“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like
the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just
don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”
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“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like
the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just
don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”
OVERSTATEMENT
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“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like
the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just
don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”
CHARACTERASSASSINATIONOVERSTATEMENT
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“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like
the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just
don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”
CHARACTERASSASSINATIONOVERSTATEMENT
OVERSTATEMENT
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“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like
the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just
don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”
CHARACTERASSASSINATIONOVERSTATEMENT
OVERSTATEMENTKITCHENSINKING
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“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like
the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just
don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”
CHARACTERASSASSINATIONOVERSTATEMENT
OVERSTATEMENTKITCHENSINKING
OVERSTATEMENT
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“You are always on the computer! You are so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone but yourself. It's just like
the other day when you left me to tidy up the mess you left in the shed. You just
don’t know how to share! I can’t stand it! Get off now!!!”
CHARACTERASSASSINATIONOVERSTATEMENT
OVERSTATEMENTKITCHENSINKING
OVERSTATEMENT
...JUST PLAIN RUDE NOW.
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“Excuse me Shane. I need to use the computer. Please finish-up your game in 5 minutes.”
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Editing out words that could distract and provoke your teenager, will improve your communication no end, but as with lots of
things, it's easier said than done.
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So here are three simple tips that might help.
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1. Avoid tackling sensitive issues when you or your teenager are too
upset to be civil.
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2. Watch out for the word "you"—what often follows is frequently attacking.
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2. Watch out for the word "you"—what often follows is frequently attacking.
You are are often on safer ground starting sentences with "I"—owning your own feelings and point of view.
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3. Just try to be nice—not easy to do when you are on the receiving end of
noxious behaviour, but a simple effort to be polite and kind will make a big
difference to your communication.
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You need to forgive yourself on the occasions your mouth runs away
from you...
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...but cultivating the inner censor will result in messages that are simpler,
polite, and more likely to be heard and understood by your teenager.
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Whether they will agree, I am afraid, is another matter entirely...
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Notes:*Peter Drucker
For a great interactive resource, see Raising Children Network’s Talking to Teens