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“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” ~ Andy Rooney

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” ~ Roy L. Smith

Animal Crackers boxes originally came with strings so they could be hung on Christmas trees.

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” ~ Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Sometimes the best Christmas present is remembering what you’ve already got.” ~ Cathy Guisewite

“You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

“No matter how many Christmas presents you give your child, there’s always that terrible moment when he’s opened the very last one. That’s when he expects you to say, ‘Oh yes, I almost forgot,’ and take him out and show him the pony.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

The Philosophy of Presents

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Southern Recipes

Ummmm! DessertIngredients:8 baking apples, peeled and sliced¾ cup apple cider½ tablespoon lemon juice¾ cup white sugar¾ cup brown sugar¾ cup graham cracker crumbs½ cup all-purpose flour15 individually wrapped caramels, unwrapped OR ½ cup warmed caramel sauce)Topping: 1 cup brown sugar 1 cup quick oats ½ cup all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Caramel Apple Cider Crisp

Directions: Preheat the oven to 350° F. Place apples in a 9x13-inch glass baking dish. Mix in cider and lemon juice. Mix together sugar, brown sugar, graham cracker crumbs, and 1/2 cup flour in a bowl. Sprinkle sugar mixture over sliced apples and top with evenly spaced caramel squares. Mix together brown sugar, oats, 1/2 cup flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, and pumpkin pie spice for the topping in a large bowl. Cut in butter cubes with 2 knives or pastry blender until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle topping over apples in the baking dish. Bake, uncovered, until filling is bubbly and topping is golden brown, about 50 minutes. Let cool before serving. Makes 16 servings.

Ingredients:5 (1-inch thick) boneless pork chops1 teaspoon salt1 teaspoon ground black pepper1 teaspoon garlic powder1 tablespoon olive oil Glaze: 1 cup honey ¼ cup brown sugar ¼ cup soy sauce 2 teaspoons chopped garlicDirections: Preheat the oven to 350° F. Grease a 9x13-inch baking dish. Season pork chops with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. Brown pork chops 3 to 4 minutes per side. Transfer to prepared baking dish. Whisk honey, brown sugar, soy sauce, garlic, and butter together and pour over the pork chops. Bake in the preheated oven for 25 minutes. Remove from oven and let pork chops sit in the baking dish 5 minutes more to soak up juices. Serve pork chops topped with extra sauce. Makes 5 servings.

Honey-Garlic Pork Chops

½ teaspoon ground nutmeg¼ teaspoon pumpkin pie spice½ cup butter, cubed

2 tablespoons butter ¼ teaspoon ground ginger 1 dash cayenne pepper, or to taste

page 2

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My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The

next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”

The Ingratitude Of It All

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”~ Calvin Trillin “If you’re afraid of butter, use cream.” ~ Julia Child

All I want for Christmas is an ugly sweater said no one ever.

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

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Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving

them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under “Previous Employment” she’d written, “Baby sitting.”

In answer to “Reason for Leaving” she’d written, “Parents came home.”

The Job Application

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.”

The applicant replied, “Well, the work is much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.”

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My job application for the position at the scissors factory was declined after the in-person interview. I just didn’t make the cut.

A recruiter asks a job candidate, “How long were you in your last position?”

The job applicant replies, “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

Word Search: Frosty the Snowman FROSTYSNOWMANJOLLYHAPPYSOULCORNCOBPIPEBUTTONNOSEEYESCOALFAIRY TALECHILDRENLIFEMAGICSILKHATHEADDANCEALIVELAUGH

BONUS SEARCH: Find the first and last name of the songwriter who wrote

“Frosty the Snowman.”

Answer: J______ R______________

PLAYSUNHOTMELTVILLAGEBROOMSTICKRUNNINGSQUARECATCH MESTREETSTOWNTRAFFICCOPPAUSEDHOLLERSTOPHURRYGOODBYECRYBACK AGAINSOMEDAY

Word Scramble: Wintry Words

1. IECICL (1) __________________________________________2. AAKPR (1) __________________________________________3. RONOASBDW (1) ______________________________________4. LETES (1) ____________________________________________5. BHNRETIEA (1) _______________________________________6. ABNGTGOO (1) _______________________________________7. TCIRCA (1) ___________________________________________8. HPHTIAOMREY (1) _____________________________________9. TCI SKSEAE (2) _______________________________________10. RUAFMEFS (1) _____________________________________11. DIEHEIL RGS (2) ___________________________________12. FLI WGOSLABTNH (2) _________________________________13. PRAOL (1) ___________________________________________14. TNSMIET (1) _________________________________________15. OSIBTTFER (1) _______________________________________16. CDLWNII HL (2) ______________________________________17. ALBRIZZD (1) _______________________________________ Answers: 1. icicle 2. parka 3. snowboard 4. sleet 5. hibernate

6. toboggan 7. arctic 8. hypothermia 9. ice skates 10. earmuffs 11. sleigh ride 12. snowball fight 13. polar 14. mittens 15. frostbite 16. wind chill 17. blizzard 18. snow shovel 19. below zero 20. thaw 21. slush 22. ice scraper 23. ski 24. frosty 25. snowflake

(The number in parentheses shows the number of words)

page 4

18. SSOWL ONHVE (2) _______________________19. BZOL WREOE (2) ____________________________________20. HWTA (1) ___________________________________________21. SSUHL (1) __________________________________________22. ASCRCPE REI (2) ____________________________________23. ISK (1) _____________________________________________24. TORFSY (1) _________________________________________25. LFWNKSEOA (1) _________________________

____

(2) ____________________________________ (2) _______________________

In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the

chance. His veterinarian’s office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher’s yearly vaccine.

“Will you bring him,” asked the receptionist, “or will he come on his own?”

The Vet Visit

Dear Santa, It was my brother's fault.

He Should Be Applying To Work As A Comedian

Excerpts from what we hope isn’t an actual job application someone submitted to a McDonald’s

Desired position: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

Education: Yes.

Last position held: Reclining on my mom’s couch.

Salary: Less than I’m worth.

Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

May we contact your current employer? If I had one, would I be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs? Of what?

Do you have a car? I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’

Have you received any special awards or recognition? I may already be a winner of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

Do you smoke? Only when set on fire.

What would you like to be doing in five years? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

Sign here: Scorpio with Libra rising.

page 5 Festive Funnies!

Q: How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit?A: Nurse them back to elf!

Q: What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?A: You get tinselitus!

Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?A: Minivans!

Q: What’s a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?A: Orna-mints!

Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?A: Rude-olph!

Q: What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?A: Sandy Claws!

Q: How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?A: He checks his calen-deer!

Q: What does do elves do after school?A: Their gnomework!

Q: What’s the matter with the snow globe?A: It’s feeling a little shaken!

Q: What kind of insect hates Christmas?A: A humbug!

Q: What kind of photos do elves take?A: Elfies!

Q: Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?A: They drop their needles!

Q: What do you call an elf who can sing and dance? A: Elfis!

Q: How did the little boy know that Santa was nearby?A: He sensed his presents!

Q: What do you call a greedy elf?A: Elfish!

A. How the Grinch Stole ChristmasB. Home AloneC. Polar ExpressD. ElfE. A Christmas StoryF. Love, ActuallyG. A Charlie Brown ChristmasH. It’s a Wonderful LifeI. Rudolph, The Red-Nosed ReindeerJ. A Christmas StoryK. Frosty the SnowmanL. Miracle on 34th StreetM. White ChristmasN. A Charlie Brown ChristmasO. A Christmas CarolP. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Match The Movie!

1. “I triple-dog-dare ya!”

2. “I’ll give you the moon, Mary.”

3. “I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”

4. “I believe, I believe; it’s silly, but I believe.”

5. “In some ways, you’re far superior to my cocker spaniel.”

6. “A toy is never truly happy until it is loved by a child.”

7. “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.”

8. “Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back.”

9. “Yes! Yes I do! I like Christmas! I love Christmas!”

10. “Holiday who-be what-ee?”

11. “I am a cotton-headed ninny muggins!”

12. “I suppose it all started with the snow. You see, it was a very special kind of snow.”

13. “Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.”

14. “I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.”

15. “All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.”

16. “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”

Match the dialog to the Christmas movie it comes

from

ANSWERS: 1. E and J 2. H 3. G and N 4. L 5. M 6. I 7. P 8. B. 9. O 10. A 11. D 12. K 13. C 14. F 15. G and N 16. E and J

Match The Movie!

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In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the

chance. His veterinarian’s office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher’s yearly vaccine.

“Will you bring him,” asked the receptionist, “or will he come on his own?”

Introducing Santa's ReindeerThe OG: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,Vixen, Comet, Cupid

OG, but a little confused about their names: Donner/Donder/Dunder, Blitzen/Blixem

The reason for the confusion? The guy who wrote the Santa’s reindeer origin story was (supposedly) Clement C. Moore, who spoke German (as well as English), but in the first publication of “A Visit from Saint Nicholas” the pair was referred to as “Dunder and Blixem,” which is Dutch for “thunder and lightning.” In a reprinted version, Moore changed “Blixem” to “Blitzen,” which is the German word for lightning. He apparently intended to leave the Dutch “Dunder” intact, but he goofed and the name got printed accidentally as “Donder.” (Ironically, “Donder” eventually got transformed to “Donner” and “Donner” is the German word for thunder.)

Controversy! Some people think a Dutch New Yorker named Henry Livingston actually wrote the poem, which is now better known as “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” That’s because of the use of the Dutch “Dunder and “Blixem” by a man who spoke German but not Dutch, and also because the poem was first published anonymously and was only later claimed by Moore.

The celebrity late-comer: Rudolph the Red-Nosed (first appeared more than a century after the original eight, in a children’s book published in 1939)

The former bully: Olive, the Other Reindeer (you know, “Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names”)

page 6

Santa's Reindeer WannabesLess well-known cousins of the famous sleigh-pullers discussed above:

Flossie and Glossie, Racer and Pacer, Fearless and Peerless, Ready and Steady, Feckless and Speckless (courtesy of L. Frank Baum of The Wizard of Oz fame, in his 1902 children’s book, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus)

Bruce, Marvin, Leon, Cletus, George, Bill, Slick, Do-right, Fred, Ace, Clyde, Blackie, Queenie, Prince, Spot, and Rover (courtesy of Ray Stevens in his 1962 country music song “Santa Claus is Watching You”)

Leroy, the overall-wearing, pickup-driving redneck reindeer from out in the sticks (courtesy of Joe Diffie’s 1995 country song, “Leroy the Redneck Reindeer”)

Max (courtesy of the Grinch, courtesy of Dr. Seuss. Unlike the other wannabes mentioned here, Max is not actually a reindeer. He’s a dog, wearing fake antlers.

The world’s tallest snowman (to date) was built in Austria in February 2020. The snowman, nicknamed “Riesi,” which roughly translates as “giant” in English, was nearly 125 feet tall.

Riesi dethroned “Olympia,” the previous record holder. Olympia graced Bethel, Maine with 122 feet of snow-woman in 2008 and held the record for over a decade.

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” ~ Tom Sims

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” ~ author unknown

“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” ~ author unknown

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Answer: bottom row, far left

Match the snowman with his shadow!

Snow Giants

Dear Santa, Defi ne “good.”

continued from left-hand column

on the coffee table or pushed under the bed)? Those are “presents” and most of them are probably not for you. Even if they smell like food. (Unless it’s TREATS; those probably are for you.) No matter what, though, the smart money is on leaving them alone unless and until your human gives you the green light. Otherwise you’re running a big risk of being Bad Dog!ged. (No one will believe THE CAT did it.)

Holiday gatherings: Consider all people involved as potential soft touches; if you lay on the charm and the begging eyes, you could score all kinds of human food treats, even those your own humans never let you have. You’ll almost certainly get pets, at least. Maybe some photo ops.

The truly accomplished canine will go a step beyond this and examine their humans’ attitudes towards these intruders, then react appropriately. For example: if you sense that your human is privately harboring a BAD HUMAN! attitude towards one of these “guests,” consider putting an exclamation point on this. You know your human best, of course; would they be loudly Disappointed but secretly grateful that you relieved yourself against that certain “guest’s” leg?

Pro tip: If a large man with a beard and a sack on his back emerges from the fireplace in the middle of the night, wait to see what he does before acting. If he puts things into the sack, raise the alarm and keep him contained until your barks and growls have brought your humans running. If he takes things out of his sack, wag your tail.

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Up your game: Your humans may be inexplicably stressed during this period and you might need to work harder than usual for their

attention. Try to be understanding, but be aware that you might have to up your cuteness game and/or resort to guilt-tripping.

When it’s dress-up time: We’ve all been there. Your human thinks it’s hilarious to attach fake antlers to your head. It’s embarassing and awkward, and your humans always take photos that have entirely too much blackmail potential. There are only two roads to go here: either put up with it nobly and as photogenically as possible in hopes of being rewarded with TREATS, or paw the stupid antlers off your head immediately and chew them to shreds. (Please note that the second option isn’t likely to result in extra TREATS.)

Santa Hats may be handled the same way as antlers, but they’re not as ridiculous and might be easier to tolerate (see “TREATS” above). Ugly Christmas dog Sweaters will of course be ugly, but also cosy and can be worth the inconvenience. YMMV, of course.

THE TREE: This is a big one, fellow dogsters. Your humans may place an actual tree inside your house, and it’s only natural if you’re tempted to treat it like you would a tree outside. DON’T DO IT. Bafflingly, it is not meant as a convenience for you so that you can do your business indoors instead of needing to go out. Treating this indoor tree as a bathroom is an automatic Bad Dog! offense.

Pressies! So, all those boxes and bags sitting under that tree (or sitting

continued in right-hand column

How To Survive The Holiday Season

(Canine Edition)

How To Survive... cont.

Dear Santa, Before I explain... How much do you know already?

efore I explain...

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children

and screw it up.

What began as a presentation of simple

gifts to delight and surprise children around

the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who

drew her name. ~ Erma Bombeck

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An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

“What are you selling, young man?” the old man asked.

“I’m not selling anything, sir,” the young man replied. “I’m the census taker.”

“The what?” the old man asked.

“A census taker. We’re trying to

find out how many people there are in the United States.”

“Well,” the old man answered, “you’re wasting your time with me; I have no idea.”

Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor’s cake. But it was too late the cake had already been dispatched.

The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: “Cake sent by mistake.”

He replied by return: “Cake eaten by mistake.”

The Christmas CakeThe Census-Taker

You Say Cocoa, I Say Hot ChocolateWhat’s in a name? In America, “hot chocolate” refers to any hot drink made with chocolate ingredients, but technically, only some “hot chocolate” actually is hot chocolate. Hot chocolate is made with shaved or ground cacao (chocolate) and not cocoa powder. (When cacao is ground up for cocoa powder, it has the fat stripped away. Hot chocolate embraces the lushness of full-fat chocolate.) To add to the fun, hot chocolate is also known in some circles as “drinking chocolate.”

Cocoa Gigantica: An 880-gallon (pool-sized) “cup” of cocoa was brewed in Tampa Bay in 2013 by 300 local students. At the unveiling ceremony at the Museum of Science and Industry, kids shot marshmallows into the lake of cocoa using homemade catapults.

Hot chocolate and shady goings-on: When chocolate was introduced to Europe in the 17th and 18th centuries, it was an exotic luxury that the elite partook of in “chocolate houses.” These chocolate houses were not as genteel as one might think, despite their well-heeled clients: noblemen gathered there not only to drink hot chocolate, but to gamble their fortunes away and plot the downfall of kings.

When you’re hot, hot, hot: Hot chocolate was born in Mexico, courtesy of the Olmec civilization, and was originally quite bitter (and spicy): the Mayans and Aztecs, who picked up the habit from the Olmecs, drank “xocoatl,” typically made with cacao, chilies,water and toasted corn, and served lukewarm and frothy. Sweeteners were first added when the drink was brought back to Europe by the Spanish conquistadors.

When you’re not, not, not: British explorer Robert Scott and his men lived on hot cocoa and stew during their year-long trek to the South Pole. When they made it to the pole in January 1912, however, they found that a Norwegian expedition led by Roald Amundsen had gotten there a month earlier. On the journey back Scott’s team ran out of provisions and perished, while Amundsen, who had packed five times as much cocoa, returned a hero.

Cocoa and the other pole: In1989, the six members of a sled-dog expedition across Antarctica consumed nearly 2100 packets of Swiss Miss hot cocoa.

Chocolate Bar Hot Chocolate1 (1.55 ounce) bar milk chocolate candy bar, chopped⅔ cup milk, or more to taste1 pinch ground cinnamon (optional)Place chocolate pieces in a saucepan over medium-low heat; add milk and whisk constantly until chocolate is melted and well blended, about 5 minutes. Whisk in cinnamon. Remove from heat; add more milk if desired. Serve in a mug. Makes 1 serving.

Garnishes:whipped creammarshmallowscinnamon stickscandy canesorange zest

Glam it upAdd some panache to your cocoa or hot chocolate with classic accompaniments or something more adventurous.

Stir-ins:Nutellapeanut butter (creamy)caramelcoffee / espressopumpkin pie spice

“I don’t much care for Hollywood, I’d rather have a nice cup of cocoa.” ~ Noel Coward

Dear Santa, I didn't know I couldn't do that.

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”~ Shirley Temple

page 9

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven it has no calories, because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories, because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and wants to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up, because of the number of calories expended when licking excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five: one calorie for each letter. Plan accordingly.

7. Cookies eaten while watching Miracle on 34th Street have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package.

8. As always, pieces of broken cookies contain no calories, because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate.

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories since therapeutic cookies have a different internal structure than ordinary, calorie-dense cookies.

Which house is each present going to?Which house is each present going to?Which house is each present going to?Christmas Cookie Rules

Dear Santa, I can explain – but first, have some cookies.

Dear Santa, I can explain – but first, have some cookies.

Dear Santa, I can explain – but first, have some cookies.

Dear Santa, I can explain – but first, have some cookies. Hat: 4 Cake: 7 Toy: 1 Car: 5 Mitten: 6 Stocking: 3 Star: 2 Hat: 4 Cake: 7 Toy: 1 Car: 5 Mitten: 6 Stocking: 3 Star: 2 Hat: 4 Cake: 7 Toy: 1 Car: 5 Mitten: 6 Stocking: 3 Star: 2 Hat: 4 Cake: 7 Toy: 1 Car: 5 Mitten: 6 Stocking: 3 Star: 2 Hat: 4 Cake: 7 Toy: 1 Car: 5 Mitten: 6 Stocking: 3 Star: 2

SAVANNAHBojanglesDerenne AveDenny’sAbercorn St.Pancake HouseMall Blvd.Omelette HouseHodgson Memorial Dr.Sunny Side Up Derenne Ave.Jackie’s SeafoodMontgomery X-RdsPeggy Lynn’s RestaurantOgeechee Rd..Green Tea Chinese Rest.Ogeechee Rd./Berwick Costanzo’s PizzaOgeechee Rd.The Coffee ShopHabersham Shopping CenterYa Ya’s Corner MarketHabersham Street MidtownBarnes RestaurantWaters Ave.

POOLERHenry’sGrand Central Blvd.Metro DinerTanger Outlets

POOLER continuedAnother Broken EggTanger OutletsDunkin’ DonutsPark Ave.Kauffman TireTowne Center Blvd.Golden BreakfastHwy 80Los BravosHwy 80Baldino’sHighway 80Lovezzola’s PizzaHighway 80Super BuffetHighway 80Pooler SeafoodHwy 80Omelettte HouseHighway 80Savannah Conf. HotelGov. Treuten Blvd. & Hwy 80Shane’s RestPooler Pkwy near Publix

GARDEN CITYSunny Side UpHwy 80China Town BuffettHwy 80

GARDEN CITY continuedSunny Side UpHwy 21

CHATHAM PARKWAYSunriseLarry’s Giant Subs

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page 11

Checking In On The Semi-Annual Board Of Trustees Meeting at North Pole Productions, Inc.

To our Esteemed Members of the Board: The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. The early consensus is that the newly purchased high-efficiency Tesla sleigh will not only allow the organization to downsize to a 7-reindeer vehicle, but will lower the carbon footprint by 34%. Negotiations are continuing to subcontract with Amazon for any delivery overruns.

The “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary has presented its plan for streamlining its operations in order to meet the performance goals set at our last meeting.

In summary: the partridge will be

retained but the pear tree will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves and three French hens will temporarily remain intact, pending further efficiency review.

The four calling birds have been replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. We anticipate both financial savings and greater clarity in communication.

The five golden rings are in the process of being diversified into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and crypto-currency.

The six geese-a-laying will be allowed to continue to lay, unless some member of the Board steps forward to personally lay them off. They’re not all that productive, but facing down an angry goose is not

in any of our department staff’s job description.

We admit that the seven swans-a-swimming have no utility at all and are merely of esthetic value.However, facing an angry goose is a cakewalk compared to facing an enraged swan. If the Board wishes to terminate any of these swans, please leave us out of it.As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A suggestion has been made by Management to do away with the issue entirely by complete automation of the process. In such case, the current maids will be offered retraining to move into a-mending, a-mentoring, a-miming, or a-mulching.

The proposed merger of the nine ladies dancing and the ten lords a-leaping shows promise, as the

new choreographer we’ve hired plans to combine ballet, hip-hop, and ballroom dancing to make best use of our available talent. A YouTube channel has been set up and we fully expect videos of this effort to go viral.

Plans are underway to contract out our eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming during the off season, to offset costs. Interest has been expressed by a number of North American marching bands and a bagpipe group in Scotland.

It is, of course, not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary from other subsidiaries. However, we would like the Board to rest assured that all necessary measures will be taken to protect NPP, Inc.in the event of a hostile takeover attempt by the Easter Bunny Unlimited consortium.

Adventures in Job HuntingA koala and an elephant apply for the same job and both get turned down. They ask the recruiter why the employer rejected them.

The recruiter replies, “Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.”

Early in December a woman entered an upscale pet store and spent a long time browsing through the dog sweaters. She finally set aside two sweaters, both red but each one a slightly

different cut and style.

“I’m really not sure which one to take,” she told the sales assistant as she examined both sweaters again.

“Why don’t you bring your dog in and have him try them on to see which one fits best?” the assistant suggested.

“I can’t do that,” the woman protested. “The sweater’s going to be Rover’s Christmas present and that would spoil the surprise!”

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Things Not To Say To The Person Who's Putting The Lights On The Tree

~ “You’ve got two red lights right next to each other, honey. You’re supposed to go yellow, red, green, blue; not yellow, red, red, green, blue.”

~ “Here, stand on this chair.”

~ “What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”

~ “If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on like you do the tinsel.”

~ “Give me that.”

~ “You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggie thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”

~ “Oops, I found two more strings. I know you’re almost done, but it would look so much better with these two strings added in!”

~ “You’ve just wound them around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”

~ “Have you been drinking?”

~ “Where’s the cat?”

A recruiter asks a job candidate, “Why did you leave your last job?”

The job applicant replies, “It was something my boss said.”

“What did he say?” the recruiter asks.

“You’re fired.”

Dear Santa� P lease refer to my P interest board�

A recruiter asks a job candidate, “Can you can handle a variety of work?”

The job applicant replies, “I should be able to. I’ve had ten different jobs in four months.”

According to the posted job listing, the company was looking for a bilingual person to work in a position involving both computer programming and robotics.

The company’s first applicant was a dog.

The interviewer was a bit non-plussed, but fair was fair. He said to the dog, “I’m sorry, but we need you to be able to write software, and would like for you to demonstrate on the spot.”

To his astonishment, the dog moved over to the supplied computer and began working. A short while later, he demonstrated a perfectly coded program to the interviewer.

“Excellent,” the interviewer said. “However, we also require a demonstration of your skills with robotics.”

The dog went to the workbench area and got busy. Once again, it was only a short while before he had something to show the interviewer: a simple, but perfectly functioning robot.

“Well,” the interviewer said, “it looks like the only requirement left is that you be bilingual.”

The dog opened his mouth and replied, “Meow.”

Haiku On Christmas ShoppingI have discoveredthere is no humanityin a parking lot. ~ Mary Riegle

Such good intentionsProcrastinating againYou all get gift cards. ~ Marisa Whitbey

Have my list all markedCan’t remember where I parkedShopping at the mall ~ Marcia Mandell

Heat Wave in the StatesSanta hopes they don’t come Northtourists stomp his snow. ~ Vaillancourt Folk Art

Weekend at the beachkids mistake him for a whalecan’t wear the Speedo ~ Vaillancourt Folk Art

Haiku On Santa