Power Tool Assessment      Name: Tamara Lebak  Date:12/12/2011  Email:TamaraLebak@gmail.com    

Strategy vs. Intimacy

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Strategy vs. Intimacy

Every relationship that we encounter, no matter how brief, is an opportunity. How we view this opportunity can greatly impact the way in which we choose to relate to the other person and how effective we will be in managing that relationship. “Strategic Interactions are the ways in which individuals exchange influence when the goal is to accomplish a specific task.” (Sonia M. Nevis, 2003) Intimate relationships are focused more on the development of the relationship itself and the thoughts and emotions of the persons involved. Intimacy and Strategy are both seeking to maintain connection. All relationships require a balance of strategy and intimacy depending on their culture, history, power dynamic, and purpose. Understanding the constant pull between strategy and intimacy in a relationship will help us to maintain that relationship with integrity.

Strategy In Relationships Strategic relationships are task focused. This is most easily recognizable in a transactional relationship where the task is typically mutually agreed upon. Examples of transactional relationships can be most simply seen as a relationship between a customer and an employee. These might include your relationship with: a cashier at a store, a customer service representative for a credit card, a loan officer, a waiter at a restaurant, etc. All of these relationships assume a task of a transactional exchange: products, information, money, food, etc. In transactional relationships the task is ahead of the feelings or thoughts of either person and a “How are you today?” is more about pleasantries then actually honestly answering the question. A more appropriate question for transactional relationships would be “How can I help you?” The transactional relationship takes into account the roles of those involved and assumes transparency of the purpose of the relationship.

Most transactional relationships are temporary and maintained for the purpose of the completed task and likely don’t survive the removal of a common task. In a strategic relationship, if hierarchy is present it is often used to complete the task.

In professional relationships, strategy is both long term and immediate. There is the task at hand in any given situation as well as the ongoing and long range task of how each person assists the other in being successful in their position. Keeping sight of both long range and immediate goals will assist you in being intentional about interactions at this level. In strategic professional relationships, different cultural circumstances require certain amounts of interaction outside the typical task focus. Socializing, dining together, holiday parties and even personal tragedies require a level of intimate engagement that can confuse the status of a strategic relationship. Intimacy in strategic relationships, if not done authentically

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can come across as manipulative leaving others to feel like an object or used. Intimate Relationships Intimate relationships are focused on the relationship itself, building connection based not on the completion of a task but rather on the exchange of feelings and thoughts. Friends and spouses would fall into the intimate category. Intimate relationships typically benefit from a balance of power.

In personal relationships, intimacy is both long term and immediate. There is the encounter of a given interaction as well as the intimacy and empathy built upon and maintained over time. The relationship benefits from mutual vulnerability and balanced risk. Because the relationship by definition is considered to be about the connection itself, even if the relationship appears to be benefiting one or the other party more at any given point of measurement, there is an assumption that the benefit will balance out over time.

Familial relationships are both intimate and strategic by nature because they include both an intimate and strategic origination by design. Familial relationships benefit from attention to the imbalance within the relationship and interventions seeking to enhance the aspect that is missing. Seeking Integration “Systems designed primarily to bring people closer…such as couples and families, need the support of strategic behaviors if they are to be effective and nourishing. A highly loving family that cannot manage hierarchical differences is often dysfunctional: mismanaging child rearing, children, finances, etc. Similarly, task relationships that focus too heavily on the achievement of interpersonal closeness, trying to achieve strong intimate alliances, will have trouble in getting work done effectively, particularly in making difficult decisions.” (Sonia M. Nevis, 2003)

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“Systems designed primarily to accomplish work, such as business organizations and schools, cannot be effective without the presence of intimate behaviors. Effective strategic systems rely on exchanges of thoughts, ideas, information, and feelings. On the other side, a family that is highly effective in getting work accomplished but lacking in emotional closeness – acting too much like a work system – is likely to fail in fulfilling its purpose of providing emotional nourishment and profound connection.” (Sonia M. Nevis, 2003)

When strategy and Intimacy are balanced, tasks are accomplished and depth of connection increased. Interventions that can assist a relationship to become more balanced include paying attention to how the relationship would be identified at present: strategic or intimate and then introducing an authentic opposing suggestion or strategy.

Strategic Interactions Intimate Interactions The ability of all to stay focused on a goal without being deflected by emotions.

Expressions of interest in another that are perceived by the other as interest.

The ability of those on each side of the hierarchical system to be abrupt, intrusive, or bold in the service of economy of time.

The ability to ask questions and give answers, with the goal of knowing more about each other’s thoughts and feelings.

The ability of those in the system to make/follow an unpopular decision.

The ability to suspend or avoid use of hierarchy during the exchange.

The ability of all in a system to disagree or fight for alternatives and still maintain the hierarchical alliance.

The ability to commit to sustained dialogue.

The ability for all to mobilize energy in the face of disappointment.

Humor, to keep the interaction “soft.”

Strategy  

Intimacy  

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Strategic Interactions Intimate Interactions The acceptance of all involved of hierarchical differences relative to accountability. "As your father, I am responsible for you, and you are not getting the car tonight." "Dad, it is not fair." "Perhaps not, but you are not getting the car."

All involved are open to influencing each other and to being influenced by others. A commitment not to blame self or others.

The ability to take command or follow others who have momentarily taken command in order to form a new strategic alliance as needed.

Exchange is spontaneous and without a definite outcome in mind.

The ability of all to share only enough information as needed to effect an action.

The ability to stay focused on the here and now, the present moment.

The ability to bear the loss of complete dialogue and the isolation or loneliness that it creates, and instead enter into the excitement of an action- based, comparatively perfunctory exchange.

The ability to modulate the speed and tone of exchange to accommodate the “rhythm” of others.

*adapted (Sonia M. Nevis, 2003)

Self Application 1. Name ways in which you use intimacy in your professional relationships.

2. Name ways in which you have used strategy in your personal relationships.

3. Can you think of a professional relationship that could use an intimate intervention? What could you do in order to strike the balance?

4. Can you think of a personal relationship that could benefit from a strategic intervention? What could you do in order to strike the balance?

5. How could your family life benefit from strategy?

6. How does your culture impact what is appropriate intimacy in the workplace?

Coaching Application 1. How do you balance the intimate and the strategic with your clients?

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2. How does raising your client’s awareness of strategic and intimate behavior benefit them in achieving their goals?

3. What is the role of intent vs. Impact in relationship to strategy and intimacy?

4. What is the role of trust in intimate relationships? In strategic relationships? How can you build trust in strategic relationships? Is it different from building trust in intimate relationships?

5. What is the role of the culture of your client in striking the balance between intimacy and strategy?

References  Sonia  M.  Nevis,  P.  S.  (2003).  Connecting  Strategic  and  Intimate  Interactions:  The  Need  for  Balance.  Gestalt  Review  ,  7  (2).    Wiersema,  M.  T.  (1993,  Jan-­‐Feb).  Customer  Intimacy  and  Other  Value  Disciplines.  Harvard  Business  Review  ,  84-­‐93.