Kevin Karlson JD PhD

Based on the book by Dr. Karlson

Keep the focus on you

3 C’s of successful coping

▪ Control, commitment, challenge

Avoid complaining about former spouses

Dr. Caroline Leaf; “don’t feed the trees”

Group members have permission to stop you

Save flirting and dating for after the class is completed in 4 weeks

Check In- Intro Format for the 4 WTW sessions Who are you now? How do you communicate best? What is the cause of communication

breakdowns in marriages? What are the risks to your kids if conflict

continues?

Format/agenda for each session:

5 minute warm up/check in/introductions exercise in pairs

2 pairs--one men, one women get together in a group of 4 for the simulations

Mini-lecture on these topics: (one per session)

-communicating effectively, -managing anger/bitterness, -conflicts about money, -how to engage a parent who has withdrawn

The simulation format: (each person plays each role one time) -one dad, -one mom, -dad's coach, -mom's coach;

Set up problem fact situation and describe the job for each role along with the challenge for the simulation;

-run simulation for 5-7 minutes, then -debrief in the group, coaches comment to each "parent", -discuss lessons learned, opportunities for improvement

*change roles, run simulation again (coaches from 1st round are "parents" this round) *report out to big group from each group of 4

lessons learned, comments, feedback, homework Closing story or quote

A one to one ratio between positive and negative interactions (for happy couples the ratio of positive/negative interactions is 20 to 1).

Mutual criticism (personal attacks on character, NOT complaints about specific behavior).

Defensiveness (“no I didn’t”, “yes but…”, “let’s talk about what YOU did…” or other denials of any personal responsibility).

Stonewalling (refusing to talk in order to avoid conflict).

Contempt for the partner (eye rolling, sarcastic humor, mocking).

Personal

Roles,

Relationships,

Future Plans

Emotional Family/Parental Economic

Sit down over the kitchen table and have a meeting with an agenda (written, but no more than 3-4 items per meeting) is the way to go.

Schedule the meeting at a mutually agreeable time, preferably NOT too late at night when you are both too tired to stay in control and solve problems.

Write down the agreement you reach for each item and sign it; give each spouse a copy (or agree on email).

If face to face meetings don’t work because the level of hurt and anger are too high, then choose the channel of communication LEAST likely to lead to escalation and MOST likely to lead to solution or agreement.

Letter writing (Least likely to escalate) Email Texting Phone calls--scheduled ahead of time with an agenda Face to face with a counselor or parenting

coordinator/facilitator Face to face meetings in a public place--scheduled with an

agenda Face to face in private with a friend present--scheduled,

with agenda Skype or Face-Time--scheduled, with agenda Spontaneous, unscheduled phone calls Face to face alone; no agenda (Most likely to escalate)

Un-forgiveness Spirits of bitterness Spirits of accusation Spirits of control/domination Murder of the tongue

PSYCHOLOGICAL

Equal # positives/negatives Criticism (character attacks) Defensiveness Stonewalling Contempt

EVIL SPIRITS/GODLY SPIRITS

Unforgiveness vs Grace Accusation vs Forgiveness Pride vs Humility Stubborness vs Supplication Murder of the tongue vs

Blessings

Loss of an intact family

Mom’s house/Dad’s house

Ongoing conflict between parents

Emotional risks (for about 1 of 3 kids)▪ Four times more like to have problems with peers

▪ Three times more likely to need counseling

▪ Two times more likely to drop out of school

▪ As adults, two times more likely to be suicidal

▪ Four times more likely to be poor

▪ More likely to have behavior problems

▪ Mother is more likely to be depressed

▪ More likely to experience asthma/ respiratory illnesses

More likely to be victim of abuse

More likely to be sexually active as a teen

More likely to abuse drugs/alcohol

More likely to end up in jail

The simulations: (each person plays each role one time) one dad, one mom, dad's coach, mom's coach;

Run simulation for 5-7 minutes, then Debrief in the group, coaches comment to each "parent" Discuss lessons learned, opportunities for improvement

Change roles, run simulation again (coaches from 1st round are "parents" this round)

Report out to big group from each group of 4

Communicate to your ex about a change in the visitation schedule that YOU want to/have to make.

Draft an email; let your coach read it Coaches: look for any hint of a spirit of

bitterness Use New Tool: The gratitude sandwich

Thank you/request/thank you

Give it to other “parent”-get written response

lessons learned comments feedback homework Closing story or quote

Contact info:

Research shows that kids who spend time regularly with a caring adult mentor for at least one year are:

46% less likely to start using illegal drugs 27% less likely to start drinking 52% less likely than their peers to skip a day

of school 37% less likely to skip a class 33% less likely to hit someone More trusting of their parents or guardians Five times more likely to graduate from high

school