Betrayal: Healing the WoundsDana Mrkich

There is no feeling quite like the moment you find out your partner has cheated on you. In an instant the news can reduce a strong woman filled with self-confidence to feel like a deflated balloon as every shred of self-worth and self-esteem gets sucked out of her by the suction of the other persons words: I slept with someone else. Kind of a cross between being punched in the stomach, and having your heart pulled out of your chest, it is an experience that literally takes the wind out of you.

The emotional impact hits you with physical force as if one minute you were cruising along a highway, and the next you are smacking head on into a brick wall. Your body automatically goes into self-rescue mode and becomes numb to deal with the shock, protecting you from the hurt and pain that is way too much to bear for the moment. Every friend and relationship book tells you the same thing: Its not your fault. You didnt do anything wrong. You are an intelligent woman, so you nod and agree: You are so right. It happened for a reason. Inside its a different story. You are sad and confused, lost in a vortex of conflicting emotions. The love is now laced with anger, hurt, rage, resentment, and you know nothing can be the same anymore. The trust is gone.

You cant help but think What did I do wrong? You go over your entire relationship with a fine tooth comb and wonder what it was that you said or didnt say, did or didnt do, that made him want to be with someone else, with seemingly no regard for how that would make you feel.

We take it personally, even when our inner wisdom and hundreds of self-help books tell us, Dont take it personally. We take it personally, even when our partner tells us: It had nothing to do with you. I just dont think I can be monogamous. Apparently he has just had an epiphany, only now realizing this particular character trait, or rather only now choosing to share this information with you information that would have been good to know earlier. We get angry with ourselves for not seeing the signs, knowing we did see the signs. They are always there, sometimes subtly, other times so obviously. We close our eyes in denial. Maybe if we dont acknowledge the knot in our stomach that is telling us the truth it will go away, but of course it doesnt.

We question our beauty, self-worth, intelligence, and ability to give and receive love, even when we know the actions of others usually have nothing to do with us. We obsess over trying to uncover the faults and weaknesses in ourselves that must have driven our partner away, all the while ignoring the inner voice that is shouting at us: You are worth more. You deserve better. That is your lesson here. The damage that betrayal does to your heart and soul is not unlike the physical scars worn by someone who has been hit and beaten. Your partner perhaps would never dream of punching you physically, yet for every time he cheats he smacks a punch emotionally whether he is aware of this or not. Your face and body appear unharmed, but inside your sense of self is bruised and wounded emotionally.

This happens on an energetic level whether or not you are consciously aware of the betrayal, and there lies the insidious nature of this form of abuse. The person who is cheating is inflicting a situation on you that you arent even aware you are participating in.

When you are physically abused you know it immediately. It may take all of your strength but you have the choice to walk away, to move into a safe space that is more nurturing and loving. When someone cheats on you, you usually dont know straight away. The abuse is done in a sneaky way, behind your back. You dont walk away from it because you arent consciously aware it is happening. You may feel it on some level, but are unsure what those feelings are trying to tell you. Your intuition might be trying to get your attention, but you dismiss it as paranoia or insecurity. If confronted, your partner might even tell you that you are being ridiculous.

The most hurtful part of betrayal doesnt just lie in the act itself, but in the lying that follows. You believe you are in a relationship that is much like a home with a shared foundation, but instead you are living in two separate houses with an invisible wall between you. The more you allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings and intuition, the more aware you become of the existence of this wall. You dont always know where the wall came from or why it is there, although at times you have an idea.

Your partner is aware you are living in two separate houses, however has chosen to keep this information from you, thus taking away your right to choose whether or not this new arrangement works for you. What is most unfair with cheating is that your partner, by keeping the truth from you, is making important relationship decisions without you. He has decided on new rules for your relationship, without letting you in on them. He has claimed the balance of power within the relationship, without asking you if thats ok.

The longer he continues the deception, the more he shows his lack of respect toward you and your right to say yes or no to the type of relationship you want to be living in. He is showing his lack of courage, and fear of expressing his true self.

A person who cheats has unexpressed feelings and unmet needs inside them, as we all do. However, too afraid to speak their truth and express their feelings, they take out their frustration using other people as their outlet. The other woman too has a part to play in this game, dishonouring one of her female sisters, likely coming from her own unexpressed feelings and unmet needs. Ultimately she too becomes one of the injured.

Cheating rarely has anything to do with the desirability of the other woman, or the lack of desirability for the current partner. People who genuinely prefer to be non-monogamous are very open about this right up front, and find a compatible partner with whom they can enjoy an honest and open relationship. Cheating has everything to do with a persons unwillingness to look at issues and emotions within himself, and within his relationship, which are trying to get his attention.

Our society has a general unwillingness to face those parts of ourselves that are uncomfortable to deal with. We all have our favorite way of avoiding our truth and our feelings be it via food, drugs, alcohol, work or some other addiction or distraction. Cheating happens to be one way we avoid confronting ourselves that also takes other people along for the ride, and that isnt fair. We all need to take responsibility for our issues and feelings, and instead of inflicting them onto other people, do something constructive about them.

The following exercises will help you to take practical action toward healing or resolving betrayal issues. You can gain something by reading both lists, regardless of the one that is more specifically for you.

If you have been cheated on in a current or past relationship:

How did you feel when you found out? This will give you specific clues to your deepest wounds. Go back to your childhood what happened then that made you feel these exact same feelings? What does your inner child need to hear from you, that no-one was able to tell her then?

Decide to do one nurturing thing everyday for 1 month that lets your true self know how loved and worthy she is. This can include anything from buying yourself flowers, thinking a positive thought about yourself or giving yourself 30 minutes of me time.

Write a list of 10 things that you value and love about yourself.

Forgive yourself for all the relationship situations you have accepted. Every experience provides an opportunity for us to re-discover something about ourselves that we have forgotten about, repressed or denied.

Get clear within yourself regarding what you need and want in a relationship, and what is and isnt acceptable. Communicate your feelings and needs honestly with your partner.

Develop a strong inner emotional foundation, which will help you attract healthy relationships with the right people. This includes getting to the root of ongoing patterns and issues.

If you have cheated on someone, or currently are:

Be honest and open with your partner, handing back her right to say yes or no to your behavior.

Be honest and open with yourself. Why do you cheat? What unresolved issues or unexpressed emotions are trying to get your attention? What positive feelings do you get out of the experience? What negative feelings come up? These will give you clues as to your deeper wounds there is something your inner child wants, eg acceptance or validation, and there is something your inner child wants to forget, eg shame or neglect. Find out what your inner child needs, and what he most wants to heal. Be there for him now.

What do you most need from yourself, your partner, and life that you feel you arent receiving? How can you get your needs met in healthy, positive ways?

Are there other addictions in your life? Work with an appropriate therapist to help you uncover the root of any addiction issues.

Start journalling. This is an extremely powerful and safe way to uncover your feelings.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect no-one is. When we learn from our mistakes we give them a constructive purpose. This is a key step toward feeling worthy enough to attract a healthy relationship into your life, or heal your existing one.