Chapter Services Dec 2011 Jan...~Submitted by Bev Elero, Leesburg TCF Chapter Services Arlington...

VOLUME 20 , NO . 10 DECEMBER 2011/JANUARY 2012

The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families in the positive resolution of

grief following the death of a child and to provide information to help others be supportive.

Please be sure to check your email for any additional information from your chapter about the Candle Lighting event.

THE NEW YEAR

The New Year comes when all the world is ready

for changes, resolutions and great beginnings.

For us, to whom the stroke of midnight means a missing

child remembered,

for us, the New Year comes more like another darkness.

But let us not forget that this may be the year when

love and hope and courage find each other somewhere in

the darkness

to lift their voices and speak….Let there be light.

~Sascha Wagner, Eve and Nimo’s Mother

~Submitted by Bev Elero, Leesburg TCF

Chapter Services

Arlington Trinity Presbyterian Church

5533 N. 16th Street

6:30 PM, December 11

Fairfax St. Mary’s Historic Church

Fairfax Station Road and Route 123

7 PM, December 11

Leesburg St. James Episcopal Church

14 Cornwall St NW

7:30 PM, December 7

Reston Oakton United Methodist Church

(Updated) 2951 Chain Bridge Rd.

12:30 PM, December 10

Prince William Manassas Presbyterian Church

8201 Ashton Avenue

7 PM, December 11

Washington, DC Howard University’s Blackburn Center

4 PM, December 11

Inside this issue:

Calendar and Contacts 2

Fairfax 3

Arlington 4

Leesburg 6

Prince William 8

Washington, DC 10

Reston 12

Resources and Editorial 13

Our Children Remembered 14

The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC Dec 2011/Jan 2012

DECEMBER 2011

December 7

7:30 PM Fairfax

7:30 PM Leesburg

December 8

7:30 PM Arlington

December 10

2-4 PM TCF Reston

December 15

7:30 PM Prince William

December 21

7-9 PM Washington, DC

JANUARY 2012

January 4

7:30 PM Fairfax

7:30 PM Leesburg

January 12

7:30 PM Arlington

January 14

2-4 PM Reston

January 18

7-9 PM Washington, DC

January 19

7:30 PM Prince William

Arlington Chapter

Contact: Lois Copeland

703-835-3242

[email protected]

Trinity Presbyterian Church

5533 N.16th St

Arlington, VA

Second Thursdays 7:30 PM

Please send

“Love Gifts” to:

Kent Womack

1013 Riverside Dr.

Woodstock, VA 22664

Fairfax Chapter

Contact: Carol Marino

[email protected]

or Diane Burakow

[email protected]

Chapter Phone:

(703) 622-3639

OLD ST.MARY’S HALL,

next to St. Mary’s Historic

Church and Cemetery

Fairfax Station Rd

and Route 123

Fairfax, VA 22030

First Wednesdays 7:30 PM

Please send


Monica Clark

5444 Ladue Lane

Fairfax, VA 22030

Attn: TCF

Leesburg Chapter

Contact: Bev or Bernie Elero

(540) 882-9707

St. James Episcopal Church

Janney Parlor

14 Cornwall St NW

Leesburg, VA

First Wednesdays 7:30 PM

Please send


Mrs.Anne Shattuck

224 Walnut Ridge Ln.

Palmyra, VA 22963

Prince William

Chapter

Contact: Ken Adams

(703) 361-6574

[email protected]

Grace United Methodist Church

Library, 2nd Floor

9750 Wellington Rd

Manassas, VA

Third Thursdays 7:30 PM

Please send


Melody Ridgeway

9366 Dahlia Ct.

Manassas, VA 20110

TCF Reston (for no surviving children)

Contact:

Nancy Vollmer (VA)

(703) 860-8587

Sharon Skarzynski (MD)

(410) 757-5049

North County Gov Bld.

Reston Police Station Bld.

12000 Bowman Towne Drive

Reston, VA

Second Saturdays 2-4 PM

Washington, DC

Chapter

Contact: Olivia Gunter

(301) 552-2798

The Howard University

The Blackburn Center

2397 Sixth Street, NW

Washington, DC 20059

Third Wednesdays 7-9 PM

Please send


Coralease Ruff

3314 Applegrove Ct.

Oak Hill, VA 20171

NEWSLETTER TEAM

Editor

Peggi Johnson

[email protected]

Database Manager

Brenda Sullivan

[email protected]

Treasurer

Kent Womack

1013 Riverside Drive

Woodstock, VA 22664

[email protected]

Reporters

Arlington

Lois Copeland

[email protected]

Fairfax

Katy Frank, [email protected]

District of Columbia

Veronica Stubbs

[email protected]

Leesburg

Bev Elero, [email protected]

Prince William

Jennifer Malloch

[email protected]

Reston

Kathy Grapski, [email protected]

Regional Coordinator

Kathy Collins

[email protected]

TCF National Headquarters

PO Box 3696

Oak Brook IL 60522-3696

http://www.compassionatefriends.org

(877) 969-0010

Arlington Website

http://www.tcfarlington.org

Webmaster: Mary M.Bell

[email protected]

Fairfax Website

www.tcffairfax.org

Leesburg Website

http://www.tcfleesburg.org

[email protected]

Prince William Website

http://www.tcfprincewilliam.org

[email protected]

Washington, DC Website

http://www.tcfwashingtondc.org

M EETINGS

mailto:[email protected]




Sometimes we get so caught up in our grief, anger, and pain that

it is difficult to see the beauty and joy our children have brought

to us. I once heard of this story, for me, it reminds me that all of

our children are watching over us and sending us kisses. (I have

paraphrased the story as I recall it.) ~Katy Frank

A BOX OF KISSES

There was a man who had punished his daughter for ―wasting‖ a

roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight for the family and

the father became furious when his daughter tried to decorate the

box just to put under the Christmas tree.

Even so, the next morning, his daughter brought the gift to her

father and said, "Daddy, this is for you." When she did this, he

became embarrassed by his earlier reaction. However, his

became angry again when he opened the box and it was empty.

He yelled at her, ―Why would you give someone a present

without anything inside of it?‖

The daughter looked at her Daddy with tears in her eyes and

said, "Daddy, it's not empty, I blew kisses into the box. All of

them are for you, Daddy." The father felt terrible. He gave his

little girl a huge hug, and he pleaded for her to forgive him.

A few months later, the child died in an accident and, according

to the story, the man always kept the gold box by his bed.

Whenever he was disheartened, he would open the box and take

out a ―kiss‖ and remember the love of his daughter who had put

it there.

We have all been given a gold container filled with

unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family,

or God. What a precious gift that has been bestowed upon us

IN LOVING MEMORY

LEIGH ANN MARINO

MAY 15 ~ DEC. 8

THOUGHTS ON THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY

A single day without your child is too long, ten years

seems like an eternity. When Leigh Anne died, I didn’t

think we would ever recover. We didn’t. We moved forward, robotically at times as those first few years

ticked by. We carried on with our lives, our friends, our

jobs, our obligations, our purpose. But in our spirit, we still remained broken.

One of our sons recently admitted that occasionally,

waves of grief over the loss of his sister, still eclipse him even after ten years. Since her brothers don’t talk

about it very much, this was a shocking revelation but indicative of delayed and complicated sibling grief, so

hurtful still.

After a decade, everyone in the family is aging except her. In her photos, she is still young and beautiful.

Strangely it just doesn’t seem right. Nothing is right

about the loss of a child. However, we were extremely fortunate and blessed to have had her in our lives for

twenty years.

She remains in our lives in a different way now. Grief has become a very old friend. After ten years, no longer

the foe it once was but a part of us, just as she was a part of us. Grief changes its course as the years drift by

but it is still there, waiting. Leigh Anne is waiting too, for

the day when we will be reunited and grief draws its last breath. Perhaps that day, recovery will come. Until

then, we continue on our journey with love and hope.

~Carol Marino, TCF, Fairfax, VA

WELCOME TO OUR NEW MEMBERS

We are sorry you need us, but we are glad you found us:

Sharron Unger Alexandria, VA, mother of Eric Unger & Brian Jacobsen

Anna & Tim Donaldson Vienna, VA, parents of Jack Donaldson

Rakia Parker Lorton, VA, sister of Rakea Parker

Debby Tinker Springfield, VA, mother of Matt Enos

Mary Edosomwan Fairfax Station, VA, mother of Jay Edosomwan


DETAILS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHTING SERVICE

Our service is open to the community. Please bring a

snack to share and a picture of your child. Email Henry

Allen at [email protected] or Elaine Anzevino at

[email protected] for further information.

CHRISTMAS THOUGHTS

Beyond the Christmas trees, the angels and stars and beloved

carols—beyond the presents, the shopping, the baking and

cooking…beyond all of these sights and sounds of Christmas—

beyond all of these…there is hope.

Hope…for the bereaved parent, even at Christmas, one of the

most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope.

Hope…it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and

anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope is that someday the pain of the deaths of our children

will be eased. The hope is that someday our smiles will be real.

The hope is that once again we will laugh and love and cry

completely without fear and hollowness. It is the hope that

someday we can remember our children with a tenderness

merely tinged with sorrow and not overwhelmed with it.

So it is that for each of you I would hope…peace, compassion,

love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the

sharing of our grief with one another and in the emotional

support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of

these gifts.

~TCF, Wabash Valley Chapter

My holiday wish for you...May you look beyond your sorrow to

the joy your memories hold. Love for our children,

grandchildren and siblings does not die. We remember them

this holiday season with love and thoughts of happy times past.

~Lois Copeland

CHANUKAH

Chanukah is a joyous holiday. It is a time for lighting the

menorah, making potato latkes, spinning the dreidel, exchanging

gifts and spending time with family and friends.

We also tell our children the story of Chanukah, how the

Maccabees defeated the Syrians and the miracle of the oil. There

was only enough oil to burn in the Temple for one day, but

miraculously, the oil lasted for eight days. To celebrate this

miracle we light the Menorah and recite a prayer for eight days.

When I think about the miracle of Chanukah, I think of the story

of David, my David’s story. David abused drugs for several

years, but in the end he won his fight over the mighty drugs.

But, no miracle for David, for he died from being given the

wrong pain medication following the extraction of his wisdom

teeth. I still wonder why David beat the odds in the battle against

drugs, but lost the war.

Time has softened David’s loss and allows me to remember the

miracle of his birth and his short but wonderful life. I cherish the

light of his laughter, the light of his wit and intelligence, and the

light of his love.

~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA

Chanukah, December 1987

David lighting the menorah with his brother Jonathan.

LOVE GIFTS

Lois and Jay Copeland, for the recovery of

Kent Womack

Lois and Jay Copeland, in loving memory of

C. Scott Chinn

Lois and Jay Copeland, in loving memory of

Kate Stoler

David and Jessie Cowhig in loving memory of their son,

Patrick Cowhig

Lynn and Steven Rhoads, in loving memory of their son,

Brent Jason Rhoads

WELCOME

Judy & Charlie Hughes, parents of Amy Gross

Betty Thompson, mother of Owen Thompson

Susie McBride, mother of Cathy McBride

It is always hard to “welcome” parents who come to our

meetings for the first time because we are so very sorry

for the reason you have found The Compassionate

Friends. However, we are glad you found the courage to

reach out for help.


REFLECTIONS ON THE NEW YEAR

For people all over the world the Winter Solstice holidays

remind us that darkness must yield to light. The sun does come

back and spring will follow winter. Candlelight, like the sun,

reminds us that no matter how dark life may be, there remains a

source of light deep inside us. This light can accompany us on

our way and illuminate the darkest past.

Think about the burning logs warming your body and soul as

you gaze upon the flicking and crackling embers. Gaze at the

flickering light in the fireplace or the light of a candle, breathing

deeply, relaxing, closing your eyes and turning thoughts inward:

what happened, were you in touch with deep feelings, did you

cry, were there images of your child or were you unable to

concentrate? Try to write about the experience and repeat this

meditation. Remember, there remains a source of light deep

within us—our children. I hope the light within us gives you the

strength and hope for the New Year.

~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA

LOVE GIFTS

Jay and Lois Copeland, in loving memory of their son,

David Michael Copeland

A Love Gift is a gift of money to The Compassionate Friends

for the purpose of running the Arlington Chapter. It is usually

given in memory of a child who died, however it may also be

from individuals who want to honor a friend or relative, or a gift

of support for the work of TCF. The simple truth is that without

contributions, there would be little possibility for this group to

exist. All gifts are welcome and truly appreciated. Time is also a

wonderful gift, there are many jobs that must be done and

volunteers are always needed. MANY THANKS TO ALL OF

YOU!

OUR NEWSLETTER

This is your newsletter. I would love to receive articles, poems,

or tributes from you. You may enclose a picture of your child to

accompany an article, poem, or tribute. All submissions are due

by the 10th of the month prior to publication. For the next issue,

please submit your material by January 10, 2012.

~Lois Copeland

FOR SIBLINGS

Jonathan Copeland wrote this letter to David for the book his

family put together following the death of their son and brother.

David died January 30, 2000 and the letter was written October

29, 2000.

Dear David,

It has been almost nine months since I have last spoken to you, and it hurts. Hurts in a way no one can quantify. It hurts every morning I wake up and every night I go to sleep, it hurts every time I hear a new song I know you would love and every time I see places or people or movies or food or the sun shine or the clouds cover or the rains pour. You run so deep. And so does the hurt from losing you.

For the past nine months I have tried to walk tall and lean on others. I have tried to hold my head high toward the sky and slank between the shadows. I have run my mouth and I have dwelled in silence. But there is nothing that can take away the pain. Nothing. I guess that means there is nothing that can take you away from me. You have a home in my tears and in my laughter.

You were with me the night I met the woman of my dreams; and the day I stood on the top of a mountain overlooking New York. You were with me humming along to an aging Paul Simon laughing and wondering if he and dad were brothers. And you were with me as I make every step and stumble through life—turning over rocks, smelling beautiful flowers, ending chapters and starting new ones. We will laugh and we will cry, but we will always know that we are brothers—and no one can take that away from us.

Love,

Your brother Jonathan

~Jonathan Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA


OUR GIFT FROM HEAVEN

Our son Brian was born five days after Christmas and he was our

gift from heaven. I couldn’t believe he was ours and I kept

thanking God for the gift of our son. I loved singing Christmas

carols to him and especially this lullaby written by my grandmother

for my mother to sing to me when I was a baby:

Hush a-bye my baby close your eyes,

Though you are too young to realize,

You’re mama’s little baby, and daddy loves you too,

You’re our gift from heaven and we’ll take care of you.

So hush-a bye my baby now so cuddly and sweet,

Hush a-bye my baby go to sleep!

My son would look up at me with his big brown eyes and I really

thought we could take care of him always. Now Brian is hushed

and asleep in an earthly grave but in heaven he is alive and being

cared for by his heavenly Father. I am so thankful that God sent all

the earth the ultimate Christmas gift—Jesus, so we can have eternal

life forever.

~Bev Elero, Leesburg, VA TCF

In memory of my son Brian

ANGEL OF CHRISTMAS

Dear Angel of Christmas, who once brought Good News

To the shepherds with songs of love,

Can you bring me a message this Christmas, I pray,

From my son in God's Heaven above?

I miss him so much since he left this old earth,

And my life's not the same it was then;

I would give anything for a moment alone,

Just to hug him and ask how he's been.

If he can't come in person, will you bring me his words

That this heart of mine's longing to hear?

That he's happy and watches his family with love,

That he always is hovering near.

Dear Angel, I'll give you some words to take back,

As well as some hugs and a kiss,

For the message I want him to know is he's loved,

And each day he is so dearly missed.

I know that he's happy with Jesus above,

I'm glad there's no pain and no tears;

But, Angel, please tell him we'll join him some day,

Even though it may be many years.

Whatever the time till we join him again,

He's always enshrined in our hearts,

And we hold dear the promise Christ made to us all,

That in Heaven we never will part.

For Robbie with love from Mom,

~Saralyn M. Smith, Used with Permission

AT CHRISTMAS

I reach for the laughter at Christmas,

around me are music and light.

The air arches into heaven,

a mirror of gold and of white.

I touch it, the laugher at Christmas.

The stars are as near as my eyes.

I find in the laughter of Christmas

Your voice, and too many good-byes.

~Sascha Wagner

ON A NIGHT IN DECEMBER

In the midst of winter

and all the trees turned bare,

we were faced with shopping malls

where carols filled the air.

And thoughts all turned to loved ones,

those present, and those not.

For us, whose lives were drained of light,

it was solace that we sought.

And so began a journey

of candles round the earth

bringing light to darkness

and honoring the worth

of children held so dear to us

but never to grow old,

whose lives filled our life tapestries,

with threads of finest gold.

Now we gather on this night

and watch the candles burn

see their pictures, say their names

one by one, in turn.

And our children, brothers, sisters

for whom we gather here

let us know, in the candles glow,

that they are always near.

~Genesse Bourdeau Gentry

Written for TCF Marin 2003 Candlelighting


A NEW YEAR WISH FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

May your grief journey, as it continues through the years,

Become softer, gentler and with a depth beyond tears.

May you ask God in heaven above

To open your heart wider than ever to love.

May you be an observer of beauty

And may you be kinder to yourself and others,

May you live life in peace with your sisters and brothers.

May you no longer continue to ask God ―Why?‖

But instead, trust him and pray and give your faith a try.

May you reach down deep into your heart and forgive

Then there will be peace and harmony and a new way to live.

May God send compassionate friends your way,

Friends that will walk along side you and continue to stay.

May it be evident to you that your child lives within your heart.

May you grow closer to your child and know you are never far

apart.

May you be compassionate and lend your listening ears

And stay beside the grieving and allow them to cry their tears.

May you live your life with hope each day,

Knowing that our time on earth is just a temporary stay.

May God bless you with memories, dreams and signs from above

May you know that you are a child of God and forever loved.

May your mind be filled with thoughts of eternal things

And may you look forward to being reunited with your child

In the forever spring.

May you be peace filled and blessed

And feel God’s love and tender caress.

May you be thankful for your child’s life,

And for your time together,

Knowing that one day you will be together forever.

~Bev Elero, Leesburg, VA TCF

WISHES FOR BEREAVED PARENTS FOR THE NEW YEAR

To the newly bereaved: We wish you patience-- Patience with yourselves in the painful weeks, months, even years ahead.

To the bereaved siblings: We wish you and your parents a new understanding of each other’s needs and the beginnings of good communication.

To those of you who are single parents: We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to cope, often alone with your loss.

To those experiencing marital difficulties: After the death of your child, we wish you a special willingness and ability to communicate with each other.

To those of you who have suffered the death of more than one child: We wish you the endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.

To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or all of your children: We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such an inspiration to the rest of us.

To those of you who are plagued with guilt: We wish you the reassurance that you did the very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.

To those of you who are deeply depressed: We wish you the first steps of the "Valley of the shadow."

To all fathers and those of you unable to cry: We wish you healing tears and the ability to express your grief.

To those of you who are exhausted from grieving: We wish you the strength to face just one more hour, just one more day.

To all others with special needs that we have not mentioned: We wish you the understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.

Joe Rousseau ~ TCF President 1990

A WARM WELCOME

Debra Santos,

grandmother of Rick Alan Bodine, Jr.

LOVE GIFT

Thanks to Carmelo Spirio for his love gift

in memory of his son, Paul Carmelo.


IDEAS FOR WAYS TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE

HOLIDAYS

~Our season begins with taking a tree to the cemetery for our

daughter, then we shop for toys to put under the sharing tree at

the mall. I stick in a card that says the toys are donated in

memory of Kali and I buy things that she would like.

~We give a gift in our child's name and think of her smiling

down on us while we are bringing a smile to another child's face.

~I place five candles around a simple wreath and I keep it

displayed on a table or on the fireplace mantel. When I light the

candles, I say these words: ―As we light these five candles in

honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage,

and one for our memories, one for our love, and one for our

hope. The first candle represents our grief. The pain of losing

you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

The second candle represents our courage -- to confront our

sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives. The third

candle is in your memory--the times we laughed, the times we

cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things

you did, and the caring and joy you gave us. The fourth candle is

the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day we

cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be

reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought

to each of us. This last candle is the light of hope. It reminds us

of love and memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow

of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever.‖

~We put up a small tree that we always put in our front window,

but this time we invited our son’s friends to come and help us

decorate the tree. This would be "Joe's tree." We asked each of

them to bring an ornament, either store bought or handmade, in

honor of Joe. It was so touching to see what they brought that

reminded them of him, and it was amazing how much comfort it

was to us to have his friends around. We talked and laughed and

played cards and shared stories of Joe. The kids asked us if we

could do this every year, and we gladly agreed.

~I put up all the kids' stockings, including Justin's. And on

Christmas Eve, after everyone is asleep, I sit in the living room

with only the tree lights on and write Justin a letter. After I

finish writing him the letter, I put it in his stocking. This has

become our time together. This year there will five letters in his

stocking. Maybe, in years to come, on Christmas Eve night, I

will open them and Justin and I will share them all. But for now,

I am still just writing. I hope some of my ideas can help

someone get through the Holidays with a little less pain.

~Since the death of my daughter, every year I buy a new

ornament and have it engraved for Niki, and I put the year on

each one in remembrance of her.

I WILL BE THERE

Mom, tomorrow I will be there

Though you may not see.

I'll smile and remember

The last Christmas with you and me.

Don't be sad, Mom,

I'm never far away.

Your heart has hidden sight

My memory will always stay.

I watched as you touched the ornaments

Sometimes a tear was shed as you did.

I touched you gently on your shoulder

And on tiptoes I proudly stood.

I'm only gone for a little while, Mom,

I'm waiting for the day to be.

When God calls out your name, Mom,

We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes

Carry on as you did when I was there.

I tell the angels how much I love you.

There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days

When I know that you are sad.

I want you to be happy, Mom,

It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom

Think of me as I will be thinking of you.

And touch that special ornament

That I once made for you.

I love you, Mom and Dad, also

I know you know I do.

And I'll be waiting here for you

When your earthly life is through

Love,

Your child in Heaven

~Sharon J. Bryant

www.angelabode.com


How Can I Improve Communication with My

Spouse?

I believe in marriage and the value of communication. Years

ago we met, fell in love and chose this special someone to share

our life with. Our children were born out of that love.

After the death of our child, it becomes a greater challenge to

keep the lines of communication open. We know it requires

time and effort from both partners to work at keeping the

marriage alive and healthy, but how do we do it? Here are some

suggestions:

1) Have you seen the movie ―The Story of Us’ with Bruce Willis

and Michelle Pfeiffer? The Jordan family had a ritual every

night going around the dinner table telling each other what their

own high and low was for the day. Think back what happened

during your day. What made you smile and what made you

sad? That is your high and low.

2) Read a grief book together—take turns reading a chapter each

night. Then discuss what you have read sharing what you agree

and disagree with what the author has written.

3) Schedule a meeting to tell each other what you need from one

another. If it is difficult to talk about your feelings—organize

your thoughts first onto paper, then set up a time for both of you

to share face to face.

4) Make plans to go on a date once a week —it does not have to

cost a lot of money. Go to the Dairy Queen for an ice cream

cone or go for a walk around the neighborhood holding

hands. No children, no cell phones just the two of you without

distractions.

5) Cry wrapped in each other’s arms. If this opportunity

presents itself—go with it. Tears are healing and wonderful to

share with someone who loves your child just as you do.

6) Take time to reminisce about how you first met and fell in

love with each other. Remember the funny and touching

moments when you were dating. Talk about the good times you

have shared over the years since the day you were

married. Listen to the old songs, ―your special song‖ and dance

holding each other close.

7) Do an anger exercise. Buy a large package of Styrofoam

coffee cups. On each cup, write one reason why you are

angry. After you have finished writing, go outside on the

driveway or a hard surface. Take turns reading one of the cups

out loud and then stomp on the cup smashing it.

8) Talk about your child. Remember and laugh about the day

your child was born—their first step—their first day of school

and all of the other wonderful memories that no one can ever

take from you.

9) This may sound so simple, but touch and hug each other. Tell

the other that you love them. Tell them why you love

them. This sounds so simple, but often we forget to touch each

other, a squeeze of the hand, an arm around the shoulder, a soft kiss.

10) Work together on a Memorial in memory of your child: a

college scholarship fund in your child’s name or plant a garden

in memory of your child. Develop an idea of your own and

work together on it.

Oh, one last thing, be kind and love each other.

~Susan Van Vleck, Marc’s mother

TCF, Marietta, GA

WINGS

Sometimes the people we love, leave

and much is left unexplained, so, we find it hard to believe

We are left standing with heart wrenching pain

we ask ourselves why go on when nothing will change

She had bright silver wings

I want peace of mind not bitter stings

With a shotgun size hole blown through my life

I must never give up for God gave her wings to take flight

With hope of understanding my pain

like the caterpillar to the butterfly, she changed

The faint flipping of whispering wings, I sense here near

with every fiber of being, I wish she were still here

Yet, through my heart breaking pain I remember

God gave her wings and nothing stays the same

I, who got left behind

realize God gave her wings

because angels are hard to find

And with wings pure as light

she took flight

and flew away home

~Kimberly K. Cole, TCF, Canton, GA

In loving memory of her daughter Christina M. Edwards


DECEMBER AND JANUARY

The end of one year and the beginning of another. It’s so hard to

believe the myriad of feelings that are encompassed in those two

months. On December 13th my beloved Darrin would be

celebrating his birthday. Then we’d move right into Christmas and

New Year’s and on January 3rd we’d celebrate my birthday. For our

family, this was a most joyous season but for me now, it has

become just the ending of one year and the beginning of another. In

this issue of the newsletter, we have provided writings on

remembering our children and strategies for surviving the holidays.

It occurred to me that in our Credo we say ―we are a unique

family…but whatever pain we bring to this gathering of The

Compassionate Friends, it is pain we will share just as we share

with each other our love for our children‖. The poem written below

entitled ―When I was There‖ by Sharon Hauber, in memory of her

son, speaks so intimately to me –it actually sounds as if my Darrin

is speaking to me I wish to dedicate this beautiful poem to my son,

Darrin on his birthday. I’m sure it resonates with other Mothers who

have lost sons, proving that we as TCF members are indeed a

―unique family‖ sharing pain and love. May each of us find peace

and comfort throughout this holiday season.

~Veronica Stubbs

Newsletter Editor, TCF DC Chapter

WHEN I WAS THERE

When I was there with you and lived my life as your son,

I knew you loved me with all your heart; I felt it from day one.

I never once regretted having chosen you for my mom and dad,

And although our times together were short, please don't stay sad,

You see when I was with you I learned so very much, and

I took with me to my other life all my memories of your love...

I share it with the other kids I've met since I've arrived,

We all have memories of those special times, and

Please never doubt that we're alive...

We are busy helping others and we watch over you with pride

As we see you helping others and giving of your time.

I see sometimes when you think of me you are sad that I am gone,

But remember that I'm still with you; you just can't see me tag

along,

I go with you on your travels, and yes, that's me in your dreams at

night;

I still look the same, just maybe a little more handsome in this

light...

Here there is no sadness, Mom, only joy and love and peace,

And here is where I'll wait, until you can come and live with me...

In my world now there is no rush, things just happen day by day,

So take your time and enjoy life, have a little fun, it really is okay,

And when you make your journey to this place where we're all one,

Remember, I'll be waiting and I'll always be your son...

~Sharon Hauber, in memory of her son, Spence

(Reprinted from We Need Not Walk Alone)

STRATEGIES FOR SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS

Many of us will soon be able to exhale when Christmas/

Hanukah/Kwanzaa and other winter holidays have come and

gone. Some will have survived their first big holiday season

since the death of their loved one. It is no surprise, however, that

there are other special days coming that may be equally as

difficult. During these times you may be hurting so badly that

you have neither the interest nor the energy to do anything. Then

don’t. If that is your wish, you should feel free to choose not to

observe the holidays.

On the other hand, it may be helpful to plan to do something on

those special days. This can be something as simple as lighting a

candle, getting together with a close friend, visiting a shut-in

neighbor, visiting the cemetery, or just going for a walk. It may

also be helpful to do something completely different, such as

taking a trip out of town or out of the country, going to a resort

or skiing in the mountains. If you can’t travel, then change the

scenery: go to a concert, the zoo, the movies or some other

distracting/neutral place. This may not erase your pain, but it

may lessen it somewhat.

Trying to recreate the past makes the loss more pronounced,

whereas changing traditions can be freeing and satisfying. You

will survive the special day even though it may hurt a lot.

Eventually you will heal. Then your memories will persist

without pain and take their rightful place in your new life.

Keep in mind that it is also okay to have a good time. While

grieving, we often feel guilty about having fun. Don’t deny

yourself a happy life because your child or other loved one has

died. If you can, then do enjoy the holidays and every day.

Death teaches us that every day of life is precious. The best gift

we can give ourselves and our child is to live life to the fullest

and remember they would want us to be happy.

It may also be helpful to identify things and events that make us

sad and take steps to avoid them. It is equally important to

identify things that make us feel good. Some find it helpful to

carry a special letter, poem or quote to read when the going gets

tough. One example is the 23rd Psalm.

(Continued on page 11)


Other things that can make bereaved parents and other grievers

feel better include pampering themselves in small ways such as

a bubble bath, a massage, manicure or new hairstyle. Even when

you don’t feel like doing so, this personal attention can help to

lift the spirits. In addition, it is helpful to give yourself small

rewards along the way something to look forward to, such as

going to or renting a movie, buying or checking out a good

book, or listening to your favorite music.

A short trip can provide a much needed change of scenery.

However, don’t expect too much too soon because grief is

pervasive and usually will continue to remain with us for some

time to come. Other things to do include inviting someone to be

a telephone buddy, planning some time alone, listening to music,

taking a day off, creating a memory book, planting something as

a living memorial or doing something in a place that your child

would have enjoyed. Engaging in an activity that is a personal

favorite of our child makes us feel closer to the child.

These are just some of many strategies for dealing with special

days and holidays when we are grieving.

~Coralease Ruff

Excerpts from: C. Ruff’s Her Light Still Shines, iUniverse

Publishing Company, Bloomington, IN. 2008.

This submission is dedicated in loving memory of Candice

(Kandy) Monique Ruff, upon the 15th anniversary of her

“wings day” on January 31. It seems like just yesterday that

you left us. You are gone but not forgotten.

LOVE GIFTS

REMEMBERING YOUR CHILD

DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

Love Gifts to TCF are a beautiful and loving way to

remember a loved one, especially during the holiday

season. Through Love Gifts to your chapter, we are able to

reach out to other bereaved families with our brochures

and newsletters. We use contributions to obtain books and

other resources for our lending library. We truly appreciate

every Love Gift, donation and sponsorship of any size.

Our Chapter work is done by volunteers and these

donations help us reach out in many ways, including the

preparation and mailing of this newsletter.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Resolutions that I think are most helpful are those that concern

our well-being. Above all, resolve to take better care of yourself.

Try to eat right and exercise. Find ways to nurture yourself –

both your body and your mind. Remember all things in

moderation.

Seek advice from others when you need it and above all, ask for

help when you need it. You won’t always get the help when you

ask for it, but remember, if you don’t ask for it, you surely won’t

get it.

Another thing you can do to have a happier new year is to

become more involved in The Compassionate Friends. If you’ve

not come to any meetings, or if it’s been a while, give it a try.

Commit to attending at least three meetings. If you were to

attend only one, you would not necessarily get a very good idea

of what meetings are like. Join us and make your needs known

to us.

Have a happier New Year!

~Pat Akery, TCF, Medford, OR

(Continued from page 10)

D.C. CHAPTER WEBSITE

It is here! Our website is up and running. Please log

on to http://tcfwashingtondc.org.

Be sure to check out the Video Tab which links you

to the video ―When a Child Dies‖ from the TCF

national website.

Our website features grief support for parents,

siblings, and grandparents.

Please send us comments and suggestions for this

new site. Contact our webmaster, Coralease Ruff, at

[email protected].

Anyone who may be interested in working with the

site in memory of their child or sibling, please let us

know.

http://tcfwashingtondc.org/


DECEMBER HOLIDAYS

Christmas can be so difficult for all of us but especially when our

grief is new and raw. It is important to do only what you feel you

can do. Your family and friends may think decorating, shopping,

baking, or going to a party will be ―good for you‖. Only do what

you feel you can do. It is okay not to decorate. If you do decorate,

it is a good idea to change it up some, because the holiday won’t be

like it used to be and changes can help. Consider putting out

Christmas photos taken of your child over the years or use their

favorite things to decorate a tree.

Family and friend gift giving can be made easier with gift cards.

There are so many different types of gift cards other than those from

department stores or restaurants. How about gift cards for car

washes, gas, or movie tickets? Keep it simple and make it easy.

You don’t have to go to the office holiday party or the

neighborhood holiday party or the holiday party hosted by friends

even if you always went to in the past. Send your regrets. It’s okay

not to go.

If you are the family member who usually has the holiday dinner,

tell your family you are just unable to do it this year. If you go to a

family or friend’s home for dinner, let them know in advance you

may not be able to stay long and if you need to leave they shouldn’t

be upset.

Ways to honor your child during the holidays and throughout the

year:

Give a gift to a special cause in the name of your child. Buy

books for the local elementary school library or contribute to a

local organization.

Make a simple holiday ornament that symbolically represents

your child and give them to family and friends.

Honor your child at your faith community by lighting a candle

or contributing to the holiday flowers placed in the worship

area.

Send thank-you notes to those who were special to your child.

Give a friend of your child’s something that belonged to your

son or daughter. It will make a gift of immeasurable worth that

will last a lifetime.

~Kathy Grapski, In Loving Memory, TCF Reston

REMEMBERING OUR CHILDREN At our November meeting, members reminisced about our children’s

favorite things. The following memories are from some of those

parents:

Jason Skarzynski enjoyed drawing, playing his guitar, writing stories,

poems and playing games on his computer. He liked reading books on

history and airplanes and he liked to eat Sushi!

Lisa Champlin had a lifelong passion and enthusiasm for horses and

riding; she was a gifted photographer and even had a darkroom in her

home. She was a member of the debate team in high school and shined

in the performing arts, holding several starring roles in productions.

She had a wacky/zany sense of humor and a quick wit. She graduated

with honors and was a National Merit Finalist. Lisa was a volunteer at

Wolf Trap and later a paid usher. She was a skilled seamstress and

made numerous jeweled Christmas ornaments. When she was little she

would jump up and down with joy for Halloween, Thanksgiving and

Christmas. Lisa liked Cheerios, steak tartare, chocolate chip cookies,

and pizza.

Jenna Erickson was passionate about traveling, having been to Japan,

France & Alaska. She was a Japanese major and was planning to work

in Japan one day. She enjoyed skiing, hiking, and kayaking, and loved

the outdoors, especially in Steamboat where she was living. Jenna

would read three books at a time in both English and Japanese! She

loved music, playing video games and anything Star Wars related.

Jenna was a great writer. She wanted to write a book and had written a

character sketch for a cartoon artist friend named Big Foot that is

still being considered by the Cartoon Network www.bigfootone.com/

Jenna absolutely LOVED bacon, her Momma’s French toast and her

Dad’s Chili.

Lauryn Grapski started her own newsletter for our neighbors and

family when she was about 8 – she even featured a little ―Ask Lauryn‖

column! Lauryn loved children and dogs. She was studying to be an

elementary school teacher. She enjoyed playing lacrosse and

basketball, eating spaghetti, her Dad’s egg sandwiches and Skittles (but

she didn’t like the grape ones and saved those for her friend).

NEW YEAR

The new year comes when all the world is ready

for changes, resolutions - great beginnings.

For us, to whom that stroke of midnight means

a missing child remembered,

for us the new years comes

more like another darkness.

But let us not forget that this may be the year

when love and hope and courage

find each other somewhere in the darkness

to lift their voice and speak:

let there be light.

~Sascha Wagner

From “The Sorrow and the Light”

NOTE MEETING CHANGE

Since we will be hosting a candle lighting service as

indicated on the front page of this newsletter, we will

not have our regular meeting at the regular time and

place. After the candle lighting service, we will gather

in a local restaurant for a late lunch. If you can join us,

please contact Nancy Vollmer, 703-860-8587, or email

her at [email protected].

http://www.bigfootone.com/


The Compassionate Friends home page: www.compassionatefriends.org home page links:

Facebook

Twitter

Chat rooms 877-969-0010

Survivors of Suicide www.suivivorsofsuicide.com

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention www.afsp.org

888-333-2377

Parents of Murdered Children [email protected]

888-818-7662

Haven of Northern Virginia www.havenofnova.org

703-941-7000

CrisisLink www.crisislink.org 703-527-4077

SHARE (pregnancy & infant loss support) www.nationalshareoffice.com

800-821-6819

MISS Foundation (miscarriage, stillborns, infant loss support) www.missfoundation.org.

local chapter: www.dcmissfoundaton.org 703-728-8446 Roberta Quirk

Washington Regional Transplant Community www.beadonor.org

703-641-0100

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 (TALK)

Other helpful websites: www.griefnet.org www.goodgrief.org www.thebereavementjourney.com www.griefwatch.com www.journeyofhearts.org www.bereavedparentsusa.org www.healingheart.net www.childrenofdome.com www.spacebetweenbreaths.com www.holdingontolove.com

From the Editor: As I steel myself for my third holiday season since losing my son, it occurs to me that one of the challenges – and there are many – is coping with a sense of being out of sync with the world and all the people in it. The ―season of good cheer‖ seems compulsory. Yet I can’t bear to open the boxes of ornaments and decorations. I can’t bear to put candles in the windows. I can’t bear to use the Spode Christmas tree china. I can’t play Christmas carols. I can’t bake the date nut bars that he loved. I avoid shopping malls and keep the radio turned off. It is all I can do to order gifts for my daughter and wrap them. This season also implores us to ―Believe.‖ Whether it’s an appeal to believe in the birth of the Messiah, or to believe that a single day’s supply of oil burned for eight days, or to believe that Santa will deliver presents by sled from the North Pole, the message is the same: believe. Yet, I have lost my son. I am consumed by a sense of disbelief. Of incredulity. How could this have happened? How could he be gone? How could this have happened to me? How could this possibly be my life? In Joan Didion’s new book Blue Nights about the death of her daughter at age 39, she writes, ―This was never supposed to happen to her.‖ Dennis Apple, a Nazarene minister and now author of Life After the Death of My Son, writes, upon discovering his son’s lifeless body, ―This isn’t supposed to happen to me, God!‖ I assumed I had some sort of contract with the Universe. I voted, I paid my taxes, I worked hard, I recycled, I volunteered. Our children were the cornerstone of our lives. We went to every single parent/teacher conference and never missed a Back to School night. The applications for summer camp were submitted on time. Every single school form was completed. We made sure they went to the beach, to Disneyworld, and to ski slopes. We loved our children with devotion and we loved them unconditionally. We were vigilant in protecting them. We followed the rules. Do you hear me, Universe? I followed the rules. Since I did, I thought that surely my children would be healthy and happy and safe. Surely they would forge their own identities and find their place in the world. There would be graduations, and jobs, and apartments, and weddings. We would be approached for loans for down payments on first homes. We would negotiate about who came home when for the holidays. I didn’t really ask for a Pulitzer-prize-winning kind of outcome. I didn’t need for my child to become President (of anything). But I certainly counted on a satisfactory outcome. An outcome I could live with. Never imagined an outcome I cannot agree to. How does one continue to believe? I don’t know yet. In the season of believing, here I am. Not believing. I’m out of sync.

~Peggi Johnson, Editor

http://www.compassionatefriends.org

http://www.afsp.org

http://[email protected]

http://www.havenofnova.org

http://www.crisislink.org

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com

http://www.missfoundation.org

http://www.dcmissfoundaton.org

http://www.beadonor.org

http://www.griefnet.org

http://www.googrief.org

http://www.thebereavementjourney.com

http://www.griefwatch.com

http://www.journeyofhearts.org

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org

http://www.healingheart.net

http://www.childrenofdome.com

http://www.spacebetweenbreaths.com

http://www.holdingontolove.com


If there are any errors or omissions in the two Our Children Remembered pages,

please contact your local chapter leadership so our data bases can be corrected.

Hudson Lily Hitchcock Chaney Dec 1 Mandy Hitchcock & Ed Chaney DC

Robert E. Lee Dec 1 Bob Lee Fairfax

Helen Grace Allison Dec 3 Kira & Andy Allison Fairfax

Timmy Kling Dec 6 Stacie Kling Leesburg

Brooke Thomas Dec 6 Michelle & Jay Thomas Leesburg

Darren McKeever Dec 7 Cecelia & Mac McKeever Reston

Kate Buehl Dec 8 Sara & Brett Buehl Fairfax

Catherine Anne Templeton Dec 8 William & Beverly Dasch Prince William

Andrea Lattissa Patience Jones Dec 9 Valerie Jones DC

Libbie Chakwanda Dec 10 Sarah Otto DC

Kevin Joseph Fondahn Dec 10 Janet Fondahn Prince William

Joseph William Jordan Dec 10 Joe & Anginetta Jordan Arlington

Andrew Evan Bourland Dec 11 Colleen Bourland Fairfax

Amanda Harpin Dec 13 Paul & Martha Harpin Fairfax

Chris Edward Morawetz Dec 13 Carolyn & Art Foley Reston

Darrin Jerome Stubbs Dec 13 Veronica Stubbs DC

Rob French Dec 15 Douglas & Susan French Arlington

Jessica Fabian Krammes Dec 16 Mary Ann & Richard Krammes Fairfax

Brandon C. Wallace Dec 16 Corriece Gwynn & Janice Wallace DC

DeMarco Lewis Dec 17 Tina Lewis DC

Leo Santaballa Dec 17 Jose & Elena Santaballa Fairfax

Rachel Funari Dec 18 Nicole Funari DC

Maximus Aurelius Castor Dec 19 Alexis & Douglas Castor Fairfax

Todd Habblitz Dec 19 Donna & Skip Habblitz Reston

Jason Edward Skarzynski Dec 19 Sharon & Ed Skarzynski Reston

Brian Jacobsen Dec 20 Sharron Unger Fairfax

Joshua Seth Reeves Dec 22 Sandra Reeves Prince William

Evan Mathew Cuomo Dec 23 Amanda & Justin Cuomo Fairfax

Kevin Joseph Mackey Dec 23 Linea Mackey & John Mackey Arlington

Trevor Stokol Dec 23 C. Jodi Stokol Arlington

Michael Muenster Dec 24 Chris Muenster, Carol & Bill French Fairfax

Tom B. Phillips IV Dec 24 Rhea & Dale Killinger Arlington

Matthew Pillor Dec 24 Monica & Mike Pillor Leesburg

Michael Anthony Gaines Dec 26 Nancy Lee DC

Allison Grace Sweeney Dec 26 Dawn & Tim Sweeney Arlington

James Robert Vollmer Dec 27 Nancy & Jim Vollmer Reston

Walter Williams Dec 27 Lenora Bracey DC

Kevin Whitfield Card Dec 29 Elva Card Arlington

Brian Patrick Elero Dec 30 Beverly & Bernie Elero Leesburg

Richard Salvatore Roberto Dec 30 Bonnie & Rich Roberto Leesburg

Harold Tracey Briscoe, Jr. Dec 31 Vanessa Edwards DC

Mark Blain Johnson Dec 31 Randolph Johnson DC

Joanna Alise Reed Dec 31 Kent & Karen Womack Arlington


Linda Clark Dec 2 Ellie Clark Fairfax

Jordan Edward Riley Dec 2 Deborah Riley DC

Brad Hampton Dec 3 Beth Hampton Arlington

Mary Elizabeth Caldwell Dec 3 Jeanne & Bob Caldwell Leesburg

Keirston Ann-Michelle Caywood Dec 3 Morgan & Madeline Caywood Leesburg

Morgan Cooke Dec 3 Fred & Kay Cooke Fairfax

Paige Mackenzie Johnson Dec 3 Matt Johnson, Trish & David Stoskus, K & R Lavallee Fairfax

Sean Coleman Sullivan Dec 3 Paul & Flora Sullivan Arlington

Mike Armand Gress Dec 4 Josie & Chuck Gress Reston

Mathew Brindle Dec 5 Eugene & Connie Brindle Arlington

Jennifer Binkley Dec 6 Maria & James Binkley Arlington

Brooke Thomas Dec 6 Michelle & Jay Thomas Leesburg

Katrina Nelson Dec 7 Lila & Mark Nelson Fairfax

Beryl L Martin Dec 7 Bertha M. Martin Reston

Kate Buehl Dec 8 Sara & Brett Buehl Fairfax

Madelyn Ekhilevsky Dec 8 Nancy & Marty Mayer Fairfax

Leigh Anne Marino Dec 8 Carol & John Marino Fairfax

Daniel Brian Earl Dec 9 Kara & Mark Earl Leesburg

Sean Singh Aranipour Dec 10 Candis & Jeff Roussel Leesburg

Alex Lopez Dec 10 Barbara Joe DC

Andrew Nisenfeld Dec 10 Frank & Sue Nisenfeld Leesburg

Quretta Gater Dec 11 Lestine Keyes DC

Keith Thomas Kunkle Dec 11 Barbara & Carl Kunkle Fairfax

Peter Byron Keller Dec 13 Katherine Dees-Payne Arlington

Jason Edward Skarzynski Dec 14 Sharon & Ed Skarzynski Reston

Andrew Duncan Morrow Dec 16 Carolyn & Duncan Morrow Fairfax

Joseph William Jordan Dec 16 Joe & Anginetta Jordan Arlington

Germaine M. Miller Dec 16 Ann Duncan Arlington

Bryan John Singer Dec 16 Jody Allen Arlington

Sasha Burakow Dec 17 Diane & Nick Burakow Fairfax

Kelly Czerwinski Dec 17 Stan Czerwinski Fairfax

Patricia Lynn "Patti" Schmid Dec 17 Stuart & Sharon Schmid Arlington

Maximus Aurelius Castor Dec 19 Alexis & Douglas Castor Fairfax

Humberto "Beto" Cruz Dec 19 Jane & Ronaldo Cruz Fairfax

Andrew G. Joe Dec 19 Barbara Joe DC

Justin Ward Dec 19 Lisa & Gary Valentine Arlington

Sarah Winthrop Dec 19 Joanne & Tom Winthrop Fairfax

Johnny W. Lender Jr. Dec 20 John Lender Leesburg

Matthew R. R. Gaber Dec 21 Cathy Gaber Prince William

Joshua Seth Reeves Dec 22 Sandra Reeves Prince William

Ronda Lawrence Noyer Dec 23 Allen & Louise Lawrence, Robert & Shelly Lawrence Arlington

Paul Frederick Siess Dec 23 Mathew & Georgette Siess Arlington

Christopher Buro Dec 25 Kathy & Ronald Brandel Fairfax

Tony Franco Dec 25 Sara & John Franco Fairfax

Mary Elizabeth Robinson Dec 26 Cecil & R.T. Robinson, Christopher Robinson DC

Jon Hansen Jr. Dec 27 Jean Ballard Arlington

Cord Duff Dec 28 Tiffany Trojca Fairfax

David Millner Barnes Dec 29 Judy & Scott Barnes Arlington

Timmy Kling Dec 29 Stacie Kling Leesburg

Jamie Padilla Dec 31 Melissa Mullings Arlington


Tera Lowder Jan 1 Ana Lowder Fairfax

Mary Diane Nagy Jan 1 Diane & Dave Nagy Fairfax

Matthew William Bowes Jan 2 Julia LaJoie DC

Shelton Antoine Burton Jr. Jan 3 Faith Adams DC

Hal Davis Jr. Jan 3 Anne & Hal Davis Reston

Mary Karen Read Jan 3 Peter & Cathy Read Fairfax

Chris Smith Jan 3 Lauren Smith Fairfax

Jonathan Noah Levy Jan 4 Margaret & Arthur Levy Reston

Annie McCann Jan 5 Mary Jane Malinchak McCann Fairfax

Alan Michael Evenson Jan 7 Harriett & Jack Evenson Reston

Monica Yvonne Holeman Jan 7 Sharon Holeman DC

Collin Bedford Parker Jan 8 Allie Parker Leesburg

Mark Howard Jan 9 Marlys & David Howard Leesburg

Alicia P. Nelson Jan 9 Carolyn Nelson DC

Cassie Marshall Jan 10 Steve Marshall Fairfax

Christine O'Neill Jan 10 Caroline & Tim O'Neill Arlington

Terry Ann Phipps Jan 10 Neville & Victoria Phipps DC

Bryan Kelly Jan 11 Sean Kelly Fairfax

Morgan Cooke Jan 12 Fred & Kay Cooke Fairfax

Taylor Ragland Jan 12 Mary Robinson Arlington

Christine Marie McNabb Jan 13 Barbara & Gary Secen Prince William

Cordrey Clint Pardue Jan 13 Lou Ann Devers Arlington

Taylor Ragland Jan 13 Toni & Leroy Ragland Arlington

Jessy Lauer Richardson Jan 15 Windy Beck Fairfax

Andres A. Yelicie Jan 15 Maria Christina & Fedor Yelicie Fairfax

Pamela Sue Chaiken Jan 17 Sandy & Lionel Chaiken Arlington

Matthew Charles Oliver Jan 18 Susan Oliver Prince William

Aaron Anzevino Pitman Jan 18 Elaine Anzevino Arlington

Zachary James VanWingerden Jan 18 Donald & Josie VanWingerden Prince William

Kenneth Barnes Jr. Jan 19 Kenneth Barnes DC

Keith Thomas Kunkle Jan 19 Barbara & Carl Kunkle Fairfax

Domminick Quinn Jan 19 John & Linda Hogan Prince William

Derek Michael Tierney Jan 20 Larry & Janet Tierney Prince William

Stephen Lokke Jan 20 Rita Lokke Arlington

James Francis Drake Jan 21 Rodney F. Drake Arlington

James Philip Drake Jan 21 Suzanne Orsillo Arlington

Jay Logan Popiden Jan 21 Mary Lynne & Joseph Popiden Arlington

Madeleine Grace McGregor Jan 22 Kendal Schweizer Arlington

Peter McGee Hoffman Jan 24 Gary & Peggy Hoffman DC

David Millner Barnes Jan 25 Judy & Scott Barnes Arlington

Julia Campbell Jan 25 Linda & Ron Campbell Fairfax

Colton West Jan 25 Melissa & Ryan West Fairfax

Becky Sue Zalewski Jan 25 Sue & Mark Zalewski Leesburg

Gregory R. Batipps Jan 25 Michael Batipps DC

Austin Zachary Feldman Jan 27 Alison & Kevin Feldman Fairfax

Alex Lopez Jan 27 Barbara Joe DC

Michelle Gardner-Quinn Jan 28 Diane Gardner-Quinn Arlington

Germaine M. Miller Jan 28 Ann Duncan Arlington

Quretta Gater Jan 30 Lestine Keyes DC

Otis Lee Fikes Jan 30 Ida Fikes DC

LCPL Nicolas Cain Jan 31 Beth & Michael Belle Fairfax

Benjamin (Jamie) Cecil Jan 31 Joe Cecil Arlington

Melanie Grubmeyer Jan 31 K. Joy & Peter Grubmeyer Fairfax

Lewis A. Robinson, Jr. Jan 31 Ida C. Robinson DC


Michael Muenster Jan 1 Chris Muenster, Carol & Bill French Fairfax

Corrin Travis Jan 1 Lynne Travis Leesburg

Christopher L . McGaha Jan 2 Richard & Selma Brown Prince William

Callie Theerman Jan 2 Elizabeth Pickett Leesburg

Tristan Hugh Evarts Jan 3 Cindy Evarts Leesburg

Helen Grace Allison Jan 5 Kira & Andy Allison Fairfax

Matthew A. Jeffers Jan 5 Diane Jeffers Fairfax

Brian Frederick Scott Jan 6 Frederick & Anita Scott Arlington

Kevin Joseph Fondahn Jan 7 Janet Fondahn Prince William

Caroline Leslie Kinskie Jan 7 Christie & Steve Kinskie Prince William

Zachery Lea Jan 7 Doug & Julie Lea Leesburg

Christine O'Neill Jan 10 Caroline & Tim O'Neill Arlington

Christopher Kevon Wiseman-Tate Jan 10 Alphonso & Kia Tate DC

Alyssa LeighAnn Beach Jan 11 Peggy Beach Prince William

Kevin Eckerman Jan 12 Don & Peggy Eckerman Fairfax

Alexander David Szymkowicz Jan 13 Jim & Patty Szymkowicz Prince William

Danica Canfield Jan 14 Sandy & Jeff Canfield Fairfax

Anthony Dragotto Jan 14 Frank Dragotto Arlington

Jonathan Noah Levy Jan 14 Margaret & Arthur Levy Reston

Walter Williams Jan 14 Lenora Bracey DC

Hayden Whitney Smith Jan 15 Julia & Peter Smith Fairfax

Khalil William Earles Jan 16 Ingrid Earles DC

Jeffrey Call Jan 17 Liz Snedaker Fairfax

Chantisse Renee Williams Jan 17 Althea Moore DC

Patricia June Allen (PJ) Jan 18 Henry Allen Arlington

Zachary James VanWingerden Jan 18 Donald & Josie VanWingerden Prince William

Scott Wedell Jan 18 Jessie Wedell & Joan Wedell Fairfax

David Walker Epp Jan 20 Janet & George Epp Fairfax

Joseph M. Quigley Jan 20 Lynn Quigley Fairfax

Matthew Joseph Hofman Jan 21 Mary Jane Hofman Prince William

Sherri Marie Corbin Jan 22 Kathleen McCartney Reston

Madeleine Grace McGregor Jan 22 Kendal Schweizer Arlington

Ryan Matthew Trant Jan 22 Tim & Peggy Trant Prince William

Kathryn Rose Freeman Jan 23 Peter & Joy Freeman Prince William

Benjamin Robert "Ben" Parker Jan 25 Maurice & Constance Parker Arlington

Linda Nicole Cutlip Jan 26 Stefanie Keuser Arlington

Austin Zachary Feldman Jan 28 Alison & Kevin Feldman Fairfax

Ashley Myers Jan 28 Wynnie Myers Leesburg

Teresa Gail Gustafson Jan 29 John & Melinda Scott Leesburg

Jay Logan Popiden Jan 29 Mary Lynne & Joseph Popiden Arlington

Anwar Romare Trask Jan 29 Alvin & Sonia Trask DC

Becky Sue Zalewski Jan 29 Sue & Mark Zalewski Leesburg

David Michael Copeland Jan 30 Edward, Jonathan & Amy Copeland;

Dr. Jay & Lois Copeland Arlington

Christopher Hunnicutt Jan 30 Robert & June Hunnicutt Arlington

Lauren Marshall Jan 30 Lucille Bartley; Mike Marshall; Donna & Ralph Goodrich Leesburg

Allison Grace Sweeney Jan 30 Dawn & Tim Sweeney Arlington

Elizabeth Gibson Jan 31 Joanne Gibson Arlington

Tyler Lee Harris Jan 31 Renee Harris Arlington

Victoria Kimmel Jan 31 Helen Kimmel Fairfax

Cassie Marshall Jan 31 Steve Marshall Fairfax

Candice Monique Ruff (Kandy) Jan 31 Willie & Coralease Ruff DC

Collin Taamai Jan 31 Emily Swanson Fairfax


TCF 2012 NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL

CONFERENCE

Costa Mesa, California Site of 35th TCF/USA National

Conference; 5th International Gathering!

The Compassionate Friends/USA is pleased to announce that, in

conjunction with the 35th National Conference, it will also be

hosting The Compassionate Friends 5th International Gathering.

The combined conference will be held July 20-22, 2012 in

beautiful Costa Mesa, California. A final lineup of popular

keynoters has now been announced. In addition, those wishing to

attend and stay at the host hotel may now make reservations!

Lois Duncan is the prolific and award winning author of 48

books. But, the most difficult one she ever had to write was Who

Killed My Daughter?, the story behind her search for the truth in

the death of her 18-year-old daughter Kaitlyn Arquette in what

police called a random drive by shooting.

Kathy Eldon, journalist, author, producer, activist, and mother

found her life changed forever when her 22-year-old son, Dan

Eldon, A Reuters photographer, was stoned to death by an angry

mob as he did his job in Somalia in July of 1993. Among her

books are Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and

Remembrance and The Journey is the Destination.

Darcie Sims, always popular international keynote speaker,

brings her wit and wisdom as a bereaved parent and certified

grief management specialist to the podium in Costa Mesa. Co-

founder of Grief, Inc., an international grief consulting firm,

Darcie is a well known and respected author and speaker.

The Reverend Canon Simon Stephens, founder of The

Compassionate Friends worldwide and bereaved sibling, will

travel from his home in Moscow to share his thoughts with the

large International and U.S. crowd that is expected to gather.

"We welcome to this conference all who are grieving the death

of a child, for grief is a universal language and one that TCF'ers

around the world know all too well," says TCF/USA Executive

Director Patricia Loder.

The International Gathering will include a Spanish workshop and

sharing session for our Hispanic/Latino families and bilingual

families. More than 100 workshops will be held on most topics

related to grief after the death of a child.

Because many of those attending will be traveling long distances

from countries around the world, special excursions are being

planned for before and after the conference, so everyone is

invited to combine their stay with visits to some of California's

great attractions. Special events related to the conference will be

held from Wednesday, July 18 through Monday, July 23. We

will provide more details as they become available.

HOTEL RESERVATIONS NOW BEING ACCEPTED!

You can now make reservations for the conference host hotel.

Although The Compassionate Friends has arranged a room block

for the conference that includes every room within the Hilton

Orange County/Costa Mesa hotel, we recommend that you

reserve your room early if you wish to stay at the host hotel.

Because our national conference includes the International

Gathering, there is little doubt that all rooms will be filled.

Room charge is $129 per night plus tax of approximately 11%.

The room block is available July 17-24. You can also receive the

special room rate July 14-16 and July 25-27, but subject to more

limited availability. Rooms are King Size (holds 2, roll-away bed

available for $10 per night) or double queen (maximum 4 per

room).

You may reserve your room online or you may call in your

reservation to 714-540-7000. Please note that the first night's

deposit is required at the time you reserve your room. Should

your plans change, this deposit will be refunded as long as the

room is cancelled at least one day prior to the start of your

reservation. Room block reservations will be taken until June

26th or until the room block is sold out, whichever comes first. If

the room block sells out, as we anticipate, we will advise you

regarding overflow hotels. There will be complimentary shuttles

every 20 minutes between the hotel and John Wayne Airport

(SNA). On-site parking for conference guests is $7 per night or

Valet $25.00 per night.

(Editor’s Note: The rooms are being booked very quickly. Please

make a reservation as soon as possible if you plan to attend.)

TCF ADDS NEW SPANISH FACEBOOK PAGE: LOS

AMIGOS COMPASIVOS/USA

The Compassionate Friends has added a new Facebook Page,

Los Amigos Compasivos/USA, for our Spanish language

members grieving the death of a child, sibling, or grandchild.

The national organization also provides support via six Spanish

language brochures, a Spanish language website located on

TCF’s national website at www.compassionatefriends.org., and

now the new Facebook Page. The Spanish language Facebook

site will have many of the same features of TCF’s national

Facebook Page, which now has reached approximately 25,000

members. There will be posts related to grief, discussion boards,

an area for photographs to be placed in memory of our children,

and much more. To reach this new site, go to Facebook and

search for ―Los Amigos Compasivos/USA.‖


ANOTHER YEAR WITHOUT MY CHILD

It’s a new year and I am marking it, for the fifth time, without my

child. Last month was the fourth anniversary of his death. This is

one more milestone in the journey of a bereaved parent. The new

year brings the promise of new adventures, happiness and prosperity

to others. To bereaved parents it adds another dimension to our loss.

It also brings the opportunity to look at where we are and how far

we have come.

I remember the first new year’s day without my son. What an

empty, hollow feeling I had on January 1, 2003. My world had

ended, the shock was still systemic in my mind and body, and I

counted the days since he last walked, talked and laughed on this

earthly plane, dwelling on the passing of days, hours and minutes

since the moment of his death. I was frozen.

Looking back at that time, I recall just how the pain felt; unlike

other pain, the pain of losing a child is never forgotten. I feel the

familiar jolt that rocked my mind and body each time I awoke to

remember that my son had died. I remember the misery of slogging

through endless, meaningless days. I remember the tears, the second

guessing, the anger, the guilt….I remember it all. I still bounce in

and out of those emotions; this will never end. It has moderated

greatly, but it never ends.

Now I am more focused on my son’s life. Details about his life

spring into my mind….happy times, maturing times, good times and

funny times. I remember it all with the clarity that only a mother can

possess. And so, that is how I will begin this new

year….remembering the life of my child but never forgetting the

loss.

I am a different person than I was before my son died. I feel as

though a lightning bolt struck me on the day of his death, and now I

perceive the world from a different vantage point. I have simplified

my life from what it once was. I have many new friends who share

the experience of losing a child; I have permanently removed old

friends from my life who simply couldn’t accept my grief and were

fearful of talking about my child. I have a new understanding of the

problems that other parents face…..problems that a mother of one

never has to address. I have become more solidly spiritual. I have

gone through Dante’s seven circles, walls and gates of hell and

emerged as the unique person I should have been all along. People

change. Bereaved parents change a great deal.

I no longer dread each new day. I no longer weep silently every

night. I no longer ache from head to foot with the pain of losing my

child. I read, I write, I stay active in the community. I work in my

small business, doing what I want to do and what I must do. I go to

museums, to movies, to stage plays. I listen to music, watch

television and work in my home and yard.

Amazingly, my word recall and memory are returning. Forgetting

names, events, people, destinations and other critical factors of daily

life was something I dealt with for over three and half years. I

thought I had lost my mind until I started talking to other parents. I

have begun doing memorization exercises…..something I probably

should have done three years ago. I am learning that the journey

through grief lasts for a lifetime. Each stage is different, each

sudden, poignant memory is paralyzing and each new day brings an

opportunity to evaluate progress.

Much has changed during the past four years. Much will change

throughout my life. Each of us experiences the loss of our child at

the deepest level of our psyches. Yet each of us comes to this place

with a different set of experiences and a unique genetic composition.

I cannot compare myself to others. I can only mark my tiny steps

forward with a sense of wonder at the resiliency of the human mind

and spirit while simultaneously accepting that I am not in

control…..at any moment a flash of the past might bring me to my

knees. I have learned to go with it.

I have found hope for the future. It certainly isn’t the future I had

envisioned. There will be no late night talks with my son, no

holidays or birthdays shared, no participation in my son’s children’s

lives, no cards, no handmade gifts. That door was closed by lawsuit

happy former in-laws who have no standing in my life today. I have

crawled through the minefields and dodged the bullets of some

pretty mentally unbalanced people and survived. I have faced the

abyss of losing my only child while enduring the cruelest of sniping,

the worst of intentionally inflicted pain. I did none of this with grace

and finesse…..I merely got through it. I survived. I became stronger

by letting go of my anger. I found hope by remembering the

goodness that is my son and by leaning on friends who had lost their

children. These friends were there for me when I so desperately

needed the comfort of kindred souls: Compassionate Friends who

reached out to me gave me the glimmer of hope when all seemed

forever lost and living was almost intolerable.

Now the healing process has completed its circle. I am here for

those parents who need me. Strangely this helps me to heal as well. I

reach out to others who are new to the process of grief, and I tell

them that there is hope. One day the sunrise will again be beautiful

and you will find peace within yourself. You will remember your

child’s life, you will honor your child’s life and you will forever be

changed by your child’s death. But always, always, your child will

remain in your heart. This is my truth to all who wish to know. Lean

on us, for we have been where you are today. We will walk with you

on your journey toward hope, peace and resolution. It is in this place

that the healing will begin. This is a new year.

~Annette Mennen Baldwin

In memory of my son, Todd Mennen

TCF, Katy, TX

“Loss is part of the core curriculum of life; it’s not an elective.”

~Dr. Robert Neimeyer Used with Permission


NONPROFIT ORG

U.S.POSTAGE

PAID

ARLINGTON, VA

PERMIT NO.348

Compassionate Friends Trinity Presbyterian Church 5533 North 16th Street Arlington, VA 22205

Address Service Requested

December December 20112011/January 2012/January 2012

“Friendship doubles our joy

and divides our grief.”

~Swedish proverb

Chapter Services Dec 2011 Jan...~Submitted by Bev Elero, Leesburg TCF Chapter Services Arlington...

Documents

Transcript of Chapter Services Dec 2011 Jan...~Submitted by Bev Elero, Leesburg TCF Chapter Services Arlington...