CHAPTER 7 – CHAPTER 7 – SINGLEHOOD, MATE SINGLEHOOD, MATE

SELECTIONSELECTIONInstructor: Wendy CrapoInstructor: Wendy Crapo

Used by permission ofTHE ACADEMY OF NURSING2355 E. 3900 S. S.L.C., UT 84124801-506-0064

• What first attracts you What first attracts you to the opposite sex? to the opposite sex?

• What characteristics What characteristics are most important to are most important to you?you?

• Divide men & women Divide men & women into separate groups into separate groups and come up with a and come up with a list, in order of list, in order of importance of what importance of what characteristics are characteristics are important in the important in the opposite sex. opposite sex.

You attract what you are….. not what you

want.

• Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive & they have the best sex lives. Appearance & they have the best sex lives. Appearance continues to be important through marriage. continues to be important through marriage. Changes in wife’s appearance have more effect Changes in wife’s appearance have more effect than changes in husband’s appearance.than changes in husband’s appearance.

Halo effect:Halo effect: The The assumptions that assumptions that good-looking people good-looking people possess more possess more desirable social desirable social characteristics.characteristics.

THEORIES OF MATE THEORIES OF MATE SELECTION:SELECTION:

• Men are valued for Men are valued for status & money.status & money.

• Women are valued for Women are valued for good looks, child rearing good looks, child rearing & homemaking skills.& homemaking skills.

Who is the most powerful man in America?Who is the most powerful man in America?

Who is the most influential woman Who is the most influential woman in America?in America?

• MARRIAGE MARRIAGE GRADIENT: Why GRADIENT: Why men choose men choose younger women & younger women & women choose women choose higher status.higher status.

• MARRIAGE MARRIAGE SQUEEZE: Older SQUEEZE: Older women have fewer women have fewer eligible males. eligible males. Working women Working women don’t need a man don’t need a man for a paycheck but for a paycheck but want a companion.want a companion.

• Does not allow incestuous Does not allow incestuous relationships.relationships.

• Second cousins allowed to marry, Second cousins allowed to marry, first cousins over 40 years old.first cousins over 40 years old.

• Native Americans and Orientals Native Americans and Orientals marry outside race more often.marry outside race more often.

FIELD OF ELIGIBLES:FIELD OF ELIGIBLES: Culture Culture approves of potential partners.approves of potential partners.ENDOGAMY:ENDOGAMY: Marriage within a Marriage within a particular group.particular group.EXOGAMY:EXOGAMY: Marriage outside a Marriage outside a particular group.particular group.

OPPOSITES ATTRACTOPPOSITES ATTRACT

FACT OR FALLACY?FACT OR FALLACY?

What things are important What things are important to have in common?to have in common?

• RaceRace – 97% marriages of same race. – 97% marriages of same race.• ReligionReligion – Greatest risk of divorce is if – Greatest risk of divorce is if

one is very religious.one is very religious.• Socioeconomic StatusSocioeconomic Status – Men often – Men often

marry down, women often marry up.marry down, women often marry up.• AgeAge – Members of same generation at – Members of same generation at

same life tasks. Gap has narrowed and same life tasks. Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbed.age entering marriage has climbed.

• Propinquity Propinquity – Residence, – Residence, geographically limited locale (internet).geographically limited locale (internet).

Important SimilaritiesImportant Similarities

Homogamous marriages are more likely Homogamous marriages are more likely to succeed because Heterogamous to succeed because Heterogamous marriages:marriages:

• Different values and lack understanding.Different values and lack understanding.• Lack approval from friends and family, Lack approval from friends and family,

less support.less support.• Less conventional, therefore less likely Less conventional, therefore less likely

to stay married for looks.to stay married for looks.

Heterogamous MarriagesHeterogamous Marriages

Activity – Take Temperament test.

WHO SHOULD I MARRY?WHO SHOULD I MARRY?

PREDICTORS OF PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE:DIVORCE:

• Both teens = 3 to Both teens = 3 to 4 x more likely to 4 x more likely to divorcedivorce– Only 5% will last Only 5% will last

more than 5 yearsmore than 5 years

• Girl is a teen = 2 Girl is a teen = 2 x more likely to x more likely to divorcedivorce

• Common skillsCommon skills• Good emotional & physical Good emotional & physical

healthhealth• High self esteemHigh self esteem• High education levelHigh education level• Older age at first marriageOlder age at first marriage• High social statusHigh social status• Longer courtship Longer courtship

– average engagement 9 average engagement 9 months months

– average acquaintance 2 – average acquaintance 2 – 2 1/2 years)2 1/2 years)

Predictors of SuccessPredictors of Success

Predictors of SuccessPredictors of Success

Parent ModelParent Model• High marriage quality in family of High marriage quality in family of

originorigin• High level of happiness in childhoodHigh level of happiness in childhood• Positive relationship between Positive relationship between

parentsparents

Support from significant othersSupport from significant others• Parent approval of spouseParent approval of spouse• Liking of in-lawsLiking of in-laws• Support of friendsSupport of friends

PURPOSES OF DATINGPURPOSES OF DATING

• SOCIALIZATION:SOCIALIZATION:To develop appropriate social skills to To develop appropriate social skills to practice getting along with others in practice getting along with others in different settings.different settings.

• RECREATION:RECREATION:To have fun and enjoy the companionship To have fun and enjoy the companionship of others, and to try new and different of others, and to try new and different activities.activities.

• MATE SELECTION:MATE SELECTION:To see others in many different settings, to To see others in many different settings, to compare the personality and compare the personality and characteristics of many people.characteristics of many people.

Is dating a reflection of Is dating a reflection of real life?real life?

STAGES OF DATINGSTAGES OF DATING

• Stimulus Stage:Stimulus Stage: Attraction is Attraction is physical, mental or social.physical, mental or social.

• Value Stage:Value Stage: Weigh each other’s Weigh each other’s values to see if compatible. Usually values to see if compatible. Usually determined between 2-7 dates (best to determined between 2-7 dates (best to breakup here).breakup here).

• Role Stage:Role Stage: Analyze behaviors to Analyze behaviors to determine filling roles as lover, determine filling roles as lover, companion, friend, worker, spouse and companion, friend, worker, spouse and parent.parent.

• 1% of men preferred women who waited to 1% of men preferred women who waited to be asked.be asked.

• 99% of men wanted women to hint to be 99% of men wanted women to hint to be asked.asked.

• 50% of men preferred women to ask them 50% of men preferred women to ask them out.out.

HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK A A GIRL OUT WITH OUT BEING GIRL OUT WITH OUT BEING GIVEN GIVEN PERMISSION PERMISSION BEFOREHAND? BEFOREHAND?

Men are afraid of rejection from Men are afraid of rejection from women.women.

• Women most often covertly initiate Women most often covertly initiate meeting by sending nonverbal meeting by sending nonverbal signals of interest.signals of interest.

• Women control dating:Women control dating:FLIRT = ACT

A – AnimationC – Closeness: accidentally on purpose run into them. Be where they are.T – Touch: Catch eye, smile, touch elbow, etc (at least 3 times a week)

Initiating a DateInitiating a Date

HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING?HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING?• Open field:Open field: A setting in which potential A setting in which potential

partners may not be likely to meet, partners may not be likely to meet, characterized by large numbers of people who characterized by large numbers of people who do not ordinarily interact, such as a beach, mall do not ordinarily interact, such as a beach, mall or campus.or campus.

• Closed field:Closed field: A setting in which potential A setting in which potential partners may meet, characterized by a small partners may meet, characterized by a small number of people who are likely to interact, number of people who are likely to interact, such as a class, dorm or party).such as a class, dorm or party).

Parties are the most common place1/3 to 1/2 of all meetings are introductions

by friends.(also internet, classified ads, dating

services and churches)

PROBLEMS IN DATINGPROBLEMS IN DATING

• Power is not Power is not usually a problem usually a problem in dating but in dating but gender roles are.gender roles are.

• Who pays? Who pays? • Who decides?Who decides?• CommunicationCommunication• ShynessShyness• Sexual pressure Sexual pressure

BREAKING UPBREAKING UP• Be sure that you want to break Be sure that you want to break

up and are not just avoiding up and are not just avoiding problems and issues.problems and issues.

• Acknowledge that your partner Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt.will be hurt.

• Once you end the relationship, do Once you end the relationship, do not continue seeing your former not continue seeing your former partner as friends for some time.partner as friends for some time.

• Don’t change your mind.Don’t change your mind.• The pain & loneliness are natural.The pain & loneliness are natural.• You are a worthwhile person You are a worthwhile person

whether you are with your whether you are with your partner or not.partner or not.

• Keep a sense of humor.Keep a sense of humor.

SINGLEHOODSINGLEHOOD

• PROS?PROS?• CONS?CONS?

Increasing: Increasing: Divorced, widowed, never Divorced, widowed, never marriedmarried

• Delayed marriageDelayed marriage• Employment options for womenEmployment options for women• Increased divorce & decreased likelihood of Increased divorce & decreased likelihood of

remarriageremarriage• More women in collegeMore women in college• More liberal social & sexual standardsMore liberal social & sexual standards• Uneven ratios of unmarried women to menUneven ratios of unmarried women to men

• Increases economic, & emotional Increases economic, & emotional independence.independence.

• Difficulty committing and doing what one Difficulty committing and doing what one ought to do rather than what one wants to ought to do rather than what one wants to do. do.

• Men need women less than women need Men need women less than women need men thus men flee obligation.men thus men flee obligation.

• Men less mentally healthy as single.Men less mentally healthy as single.• Media portrays singles as glorified and Media portrays singles as glorified and

marriage as unsatisfied with affairs.marriage as unsatisfied with affairs.

SINGLEHOODSINGLEHOOD

TYPES OF NEVER TYPES OF NEVER MARRIEDSMARRIEDS

• Ambivalence: voluntary and Ambivalence: voluntary and temporarytemporary

• Wishful: Involuntarily & temporaryWishful: Involuntarily & temporary• Resolved: Permanent and prefer itResolved: Permanent and prefer it• Regretful: Resigned to their fate. Regretful: Resigned to their fate.

Often well educated, high income Often well educated, high income over 40 but no available men.over 40 but no available men.

MYTHS OF MYTHS OF SINGLEHOODSINGLEHOOD

• Singles are dependent on their Singles are dependent on their parentsparents

• Singles are self-centeredSingles are self-centered• Singles have more money (married Singles have more money (married

couples are better off – dual incomes)couples are better off – dual incomes)• Singles are happierSingles are happier• Singles view single hood as a lifetime Singles view single hood as a lifetime

alternativealternative

CHARACTERISTICS OF CHARACTERISTICS OF SINGLEHOODSINGLEHOOD

• Singles don’t fit into Singles don’t fit into married societymarried society

• Singles have more Singles have more timetime

• Singles have more Singles have more funfun

• Singles are lonely Singles are lonely

COHABITATIONCOHABITATION

COHABITATIONCOHABITATION

LEGAL PROBLEMSLEGAL PROBLEMS• Can’t file joint tax return Can’t file joint tax return • Can’t make medical decisionsCan’t make medical decisions• Can’t inheritCan’t inherit• Can’t enter hospital or jail restricted to “family”Can’t enter hospital or jail restricted to “family”• Can’t create estate trustCan’t create estate trust• Can’t claim marital deduction on income taxCan’t claim marital deduction on income tax• Can’t receive survivor insurance benefitsCan’t receive survivor insurance benefits• Can’t get health benefits, bereavement leave, etcCan’t get health benefits, bereavement leave, etc• Can’t collect unemployment if you move for a Can’t collect unemployment if you move for a

partners jobpartners job• Can’t get residency status for a noncitizenCan’t get residency status for a noncitizen

COMMITMENTCOMMITMENT

• May not work as hard.May not work as hard.• Lack of pooling of moneyLack of pooling of money• More fighting & violenceMore fighting & violence• Man not expected to support his partner, both Man not expected to support his partner, both

workwork• Less social supportLess social support• Greater likelihood of divorceGreater likelihood of divorce• More liberal, independent, less religious, lower More liberal, independent, less religious, lower

incomeincome

WHY MARRIAGE WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS!!MATTERS!!

& HOW TO MAKE IT LAST& HOW TO MAKE IT LAST

FAMILY:1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers have

good relationships with their children.

2. Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage.

3. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.

4. Marriage is a virtually universal human institution.

ECONOMICS:ECONOMICS:

5. 5. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mother.poverty for both children and mother.

6. Married couples seem to build more wealth on 6. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples. average than singles or cohabiting couples.

7. Married men earn more money than do single 7. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.men with similar education and job histories.

8. 8. Parental divorce Parental divorce appears to increase appears to increase children’s risk of children’s risk of school failure.school failure.

9. 9. Parental divorce Parental divorce reduces the reduces the likelihood that likelihood that children will children will graduate from graduate from college and achieve college and achieve high-status jobs.high-status jobs.

PHYSICAL HEALTH & PHYSICAL HEALTH & LONGEVITYLONGEVITY

10. Children who 10. Children who live with their live with their own two married own two married parents enjoy parents enjoy better physical better physical health, on health, on average, than do average, than do children in other children in other family forms.family forms.

11. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply 11. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality.lower risk of infant mortality.

12. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of 12. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of substance abuse for both adults and teens. substance abuse for both adults and teens.

13. Married people, especially married men, have 13. Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.similar singles.

14. Marriage is associated with better health and 14. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness and disability lower rates of injury, illness and disability for both men & women.for both men & women.

MENTAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

15. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.

16. Divorce appears significantly to increase the risk of suicide.

17. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.

CRIME & DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

18. Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior.

19. Marriage appears to reduce the risk that adults will be either perpetrators or victims of crime.

20. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than to cohabiting or dating women.

21. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child abuse.

MAKING IT MAKING IT LASTLAST

FOR A LIFETIME!!FOR A LIFETIME!!

MAKING IT LAST – MAKING IT LAST – FOR A LIFETIMEFOR A LIFETIME

Activity – In groups discuss Marriage Opinion 10.3

FIRST IMPRESSION = first FIRST IMPRESSION = first illusionsillusions

People tend to freeze first impressions in their People tend to freeze first impressions in their mind.mind.

We want to make up our mind very quickly We want to make up our mind very quickly about a person.about a person.

If these impressions are incorrect they will feel If these impressions are incorrect they will feel very uncomfortable & compromising.very uncomfortable & compromising.

““You aren’t the man/woman I You aren’t the man/woman I married”.married”.

““You seem different now”.You seem different now”.

““It isn’t the same as when we were It isn’t the same as when we were dating”.dating”.

““You cheated me”.You cheated me”.

Misleading initial Misleading initial acts, impressions, acts, impressions, and images can and images can become disastrous become disastrous later on.later on.

Clarify any Clarify any misunderstanding misunderstanding as soon as possibleas soon as possible..

ASSERT YOUR IDENTITYASSERT YOUR IDENTITY

Partners must know and respect your Partners must know and respect your identity.identity.

If it is compromised it becomes eroded If it is compromised it becomes eroded and confused. and confused.

One must be “REAL”.One must be “REAL”.

RESOLVING PROBLEMS & RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICTCONFLICT

Both partners must express their wants Both partners must express their wants and needs honestly.and needs honestly.

Both partners must respect one Both partners must respect one another as peers.another as peers.

Constructive resolutions build trust.Constructive resolutions build trust.

The time to share fears and confront The time to share fears and confront the possibilities of conflict is from the the possibilities of conflict is from the start.start.

The greater the affection grows, the The greater the affection grows, the greater grows the fear of losing love.greater grows the fear of losing love.

Don’t “love now & fight later”.Don’t “love now & fight later”.

RESOLVING PROBLEMS & RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICT (continued)CONFLICT (continued)

Happily married couples:Happily married couples:

SummarizeSummarize ParaphrasingParaphrasing ValidatingValidating ClarificationClarification

The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence

1.Bargaining – compromise (the best deal for both)

2.Agreement as a gift (without resentment)

3.Coexistence – Agree (to disagree & live with it)

ACHIEVE GENUINE ACHIEVE GENUINE INTIMACYINTIMACY

• Be totally honest and kind at the Be totally honest and kind at the same time.same time.

• Control negative destructive Control negative destructive impulses & control your anger.impulses & control your anger.

• Express your deepest fears, Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions and hopes, and emotions and everyday thoughts.everyday thoughts.

ACCEPT THE OTHER ACCEPT THE OTHER TOTALLYTOTALLY

• Marriage is a lifetime of Marriage is a lifetime of getting to know each other.getting to know each other.

• People do not really know each People do not really know each other when they marry.other when they marry.

Before marriage:Before marriage:

• We hide……We hide……

• We ignore……We ignore……

• We mislabel……We mislabel……

• We don’t agree on relevant We don’t agree on relevant matters…matters…

• We believe our loved one will We believe our loved one will change after marriage.change after marriage.

CHANGING, LEARNING, CHANGING, LEARNING, GROWING TOGETHERGROWING TOGETHER

• Be flexible – unforeseen events Be flexible – unforeseen events will happen.will happen.

• Be prepared for change – people Be prepared for change – people change, situations shift, change, situations shift, relationships take on new relationships take on new dimensions.dimensions.

• Couples can cope & adapt.Couples can cope & adapt.

Be enthusiastically involved Be enthusiastically involved in each others in each others becomingbecoming as as well as well as beingbeing..

• Have a positive attitude.Have a positive attitude.

• Express positive comments most Express positive comments most of the time.of the time.

• Criticism about inadequacies Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional space.eliminates emotional space.

True marriage True marriage Is not my Is not my devotion to devotion to

you,you,Nor is it yours to Nor is it yours to

me.me.True marriageTrue marriageIs our devotion Is our devotion

to us.to us.

By Lois WyseBy Lois Wyse

From Rabbi Ben EzraFrom Rabbi Ben Ezra

Grow old along with Grow old along with me!me!

The best is yet to The best is yet to be,be,

The last of life, for The last of life, for which the first was which the first was

made.made.

by Robert Browningby Robert Browning

VOCABULARY CHAPTER 7 – SINGLEHOOD & PAIRING

 1. 1.      Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may

meet. 1. 2.      Complimentary needs theory: We select partners

whose needs are different from and/or complement our own needs.

 1. 3.      Endogamy: Marriage within a particular group. 1. 4.      Exogamy: Marriage outside a group you belong to. 1. 5.      Field of eligibles: A group of individuals of the same

general background and age who are culturally approved potential marital partners.

Vocabulary ContinuedVocabulary Continued

 6.     Halo effect: The tendency to infer positive characteristics or traits based on a person’s physical attractiveness.

 2. 7.   Heterogamy: Marriage between those with different social or

personal characteristics. 3. 8. Homogamy: Marriage between those with similar social or

personal characteristics. 4.9.    Marriage gradient: The tendency for men to marry younger

women of lower socioeconomic status and for women to marry older men of higher socioeconomic status.

 

10. 10.    Marriage Squeeze: The phenomenon in which there are greater numbers of marriageable women than marriageable men, particularly among older women and African-American women.

 2.      11. Open field: A setting in which potential partners

may not be likely to meet. 3.      12. Residential Propinquity: A pattern in which the

chances of two people marrying are greater the closer they live to each other.