I WANT IT

(now that, should win me the Booker)

~ A Novel

By

Anupam Dhyani

RIGI Publication

777, Street No. 9, Krishna Nagar

Khanna-141401

Punjab (India)

Email:info@rigipublication.com

First published by RIGI Publication 2012

Copyright © Anupam Dhyani 2012

All rights reserved

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the

product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously , and any

resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events or locales, is purely

coincidental

ISBN: 978-81-921311-15

Typeset by : Palwinder Singh

Printed at: New Simran Offset Printers

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of trade or

otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, circulated, and no reproduction in any

form, in whole or in part ( except for brief quotations in critical articles or

reviews) may be made without written permission from the publishers.

To, all those who have crazy ideas, to all those who dream, and to all those

who have the balls to make a mockery of themselves for those dreams and

crazy ideas.

Index

Salutation 1

1) Meenakshi 9

2) Hi 15

3) Miss Whoever 16

4) The Jeep 25

5) Mohini 32

6) Letters 39

7) The Ankall 51

8) Innocence 60

9) Dilli 70

10) Liquid Courage & Stuffed Toys 82

11) Mohini returns 91

12) Killer love 109

13) Thol 117

14) Inginring 131

15) Parvati, Ganesh & Co. 141

16) Change of Plans 162

17) Gateway to the “New World” 171

18) Deceit 179

19) Allow Me 185

20) FEAR 200

21) Tying the ‘Knot’ 205

22) Coming to the point 208

Glossary

Acknowledgements

1

Dear,

Man Booker Prize Selection Committee,

Wherever you are based,

18th

March 2010.

With the guilt of not winning a single prize in my life, I write these thoughts

to win the prize and be listed among the elite group of writers who have

been selected by you, over the years. My effort is to explain to you, how and

why I want to, and have to, and wish to, even if I don’t deserve to, win this

honor.

Having said this overly rehearsed sentence, I am thinking how I will convince

you to give away this prize to me. Presently, I am working in a company

where I have not been recognized as a good and important part of the

organization (even though I think I am, as I work a lot and very diligently too,

but my boss does not agree), so I have been submitting my résumé and cover

letter to numerous other companies. And this is the reason I am convinced

that I should write this letter to you, as I am very well practiced in résumé

writing and cover letter composition, which is a nice way to lie on paper and

try to convince selection committees to take you in, because you can lie well.

I thought to myself that if I cannot convince companies that I am a good

engineer let me try and convince them that I can at least write well as

opposed to lie well. And although writing a novel is not a lie, it’s not always

the truth, it is fiction, you see.

I read a lot these days ... actually, Google a lot (as the search engine has

earned a lot of money and can put lots of things together in an organized

manner).I don’t know whether you Google or do you still flip the pages of The

Encyclopedia Britannica to find answers. I Google, it’s easier, faster and

precise, you see. You can type in any question and a list of answers “pop up”,

including pornographic connections to the same ,which is kind of interesting

(in case you are getting bored of reading useful information, it kind of

distracts you a little and makes you alive and human again). And I don’t think

my Encyclopedia Britannica has the same entertaining information (but I

think I did not waste my money on the collection as I bought the set in the

2

“books by yard” manner, cheap you see). And these days we also have e-

books available, and instruments like the Kindle and the iPads where you can

read these e-books. I am only 27 and I see so much technological

advancement and feel amazed, I am sure you must be feeling the same as

you are probably older than I am and more “ book” educated and learned,

unlike me who is Google educated (was Google invented when you were

writing your books? I am sure not, because I think it started somewhere in

the 1990’s). I am also presuming (presumption is safe for me right now ,

because I don’t know you people and am not face to face with you, like in an

interview, so I think I am safe in writing this , because if I was in front of you I

might think otherwise and may not respect you as I would see your flaws

through your eyes) that you are old ,educated people , who make the

selection and have done some amazing writing yourself (that’s why the

company put you as judge, right?).

Anyway, the reason I mentioned everything I mentioned above, was that I

Googled “Booker Prize” and gathered some information on it. It was said that

not so long ago a company named Booker-McConnell sponsored the prize; I

wondered why the company did it, because it was a company that dealt with

sugar. Was there any connection between sugar and fiction back then? I still

have not been able to find out (please do tell me if there is any because I

spent a lot of my time trying to figure out this mystery and was convinced

that if I knew the answer and wrote something that would touch that topic, I

might win the prize myself). It was also mentioned that the committee

members are great writers, critics, academics and public figures (I feel proud

to write this letter to you as I have only once dared to write something to a

public figure, I will tell you about it later, as I am only starting my letter now).

You must be intelligent, I mean you are judges, and the first thing that comes

to my mind when I think of judges of any kind is that they are strict men (and

women). Pardon my putting “women” in brackets but someone once told me

that I am a male chauvinistic pig, MCP she called me, though it’s nothing like

that but just a figure of speech (it’s usually written that way, otherwise the

saying would be “practice makes a woman perfect” and not otherwise, LOL) .

I hope you know what LOL means (it means laughing out loud, but in this case

I am not laughing out loud, just giggling). So yes, I feel that since you people

are learned and were chosen to judge my letter, I will put my best foot

forward. I also understand that this year you are some different people than

3

last year because the search engine mentioned that the jury is a fresh jury

every year but sometimes one or two people are the same. If there is

someone who was also a judge last year, I say my hello to you. I am a little

nervous here but still, I will finish my letter; how bad can it be? You will read

it and throw it in the trashcan (dustbin is called a trashcan in America, I have

learned quite a few new words here which I would like to share with you

during the course of this letter, and not that you might not know them ,but

just to let you know that I know them too. Oh, by the way I am an Indian

citizen dwelling in America).

There is one more thing that I wish to share with you; since the prize is given

to the best novel in the English Language and English is not my mother

tongue, and I think in my mother tongue (Hindi to be specific) and write in

English. I am also using the Microsoft Word program and the latest version

too, so it corrects the spelling (I think sepllings and indentation are not a

criteria, or are they? And some grammatical mistakes in the sentence also?)

It shows red lines underneath the wrong spelling and a green line if the

sentence is grammatically incorrect. (Little secret: you can actually cheat

because it allows you to “add to dictionary” which means that if a word is

wrong you can actually make it a word and then when you use it the next

time, it will not show you the red wiggly line underneath it. LOL).But since the

program cannot think like us it might sometimes rule out some errors (in

your eyes of course, as you are the better judges of the language). I had a

question: does the novel need to be in British English or will any other form

of English do? Because I have learned many types (both in India and America)

which serve the purpose, but I am not sure whether they are the English that

you are looking for. In India I have had a chance to learn the British type of

English and also a mixed version called Hinglish (a combination of Hindi and

English) which has a Hindi name also, Hangrezi (as English is called Angrezi in

India). In America most of the English is the same but there are some local

words which have been used over and over again and added to the

dictionary. So when I use a dictionary, I use both the Oxford Dictionary and

the Webster’s one so I don’t miss out on any word.

I also understand that the work has to be original, so when I started to think

about writing this letter, I thought I must not read any other Booker Prize

winner book as I might tend to cheat a little here and there (as all of us do ,

4

but I am admitting I do at times) . Even though I know some of the titles, I

don’t know the content. I just take them at face value and wonder why

someone, who wrote on the life of π (a mathematical symbol) or about

almost extinct white tigers or for that matter, children who were born on the

stroke of midnight and on small gods, would win the prize. Then I thought

perhaps at that time there was a need to write all this as the tigers were

becoming extinct and there were only Big Gods like Brahma, Vishnu and

Shiva (the 3 most popular gods in India) and maybe mathematics was dying

with the advent of computers and only a handful of special children were

born at midnight, but trust me, since I have not read these, I will not

comment on them, it would be unfair to you, who are the judges, and the

writers who wrote them (in actuality I don’t have the time to do so as the

nominations will be announced soon and I want to complete my letter before

that). I will only be writing about my story (a collection of original events) and

about why I must have the prize. Just a thought- I already feel I am being

interviewed by you LOL!

And, by the way, I have written a thesis in America so I know how a letter, or

any other document, it needs to be organized so that the reader does not get

confused (and I don’t want you to be confused since I think you cannot talk to

each other and discuss when you get stuck, as you are independent judges

and each one will be reading alone). The only thing is that, in a technical

thesis one is allowed to use pictures and graphs to illustrate the point. I don’t

think it is possible here as I would have to paint the picture with my words

(one of the best lines I ever wrote ….paint the picture with my words), if I

could, then I would have used a latest digital camera and Photoshop to do

the job and used MS Excel for graphs (MS is Microsoft, by the way). Anyway,

let me paint the picture with my words. Waah ! (This is a typical example of

Hinglish, you see; waah means WOW in Hindi). I hope you are not getting

stuck already, if you are and need any help then please email me (I have

scribbled my email address along with this letter; located at the end).

I hope you don’t mind the casual flippant style I am using to address this

letter to you, I only use it because I think I will be able to explain to you

better, as apart from being judges you are humans too (men and women; I

purposely used “humans” which includes both sexes so no one gets offended

this time). But if you want me to use fancy literary terms, I would be more

5

than happy to do so as I can always do so now with Google online dictionary.

Wink wink!

Enough said, ladies and gentlemen, now let me tell you the basis of this

letter. I have picked up a few emotions and will demonstrate how these

affected a person’s life and I believe that since these are emotions and you

are emotional beings, at least one emotion will touch one of you, and then

you can unanimously decide on which emotion you would confer the honor. I

shall not mention the emotion right now because then the whole purpose of

this letter will be defeated. Is that ok with you? I am sure it is or else this

letter would not have reached your eyes and it would be lying in a trashcan

(see above). Also, please pardon me beforehand of the e-signs I use, as they

have become a part of my daily usage (you won’t believe I actually said LOL

at a joke in a gathering, instead of laughing!) And also, please do understand

that there are certain times, only obscene words like shit, asshole, up yours

and bitch can explain the correct state of mind and emotion, although I will

try to use these words as little as possible, please ignore them and please

look at the bigger picture. (Oh sorry, forgot to mention fuck; it has many

connotations and can explain a lot of emotions in a jiffy).

Let’s cut the bullshit (I used “add to dictionary” for all the above mentioned

profane words so this way no more red wiggly lines won’t show up (American

way of saying like: you ain’t going nowhere)). Let’s begin!

Once upon a time (is this still in fashion? Or do I need to start it in some other

manner, some fancy one liner which will catch your attention? Well, I always

read stories about a time which was once, so sorry to disappoint you) in

India, in a picturesque hill station a boy was born. Well not in the hill station

actually, because he was born in the valley which the hill station overlooked.

The father had gone on a business trip and the mother was in labor, so the

neighbors put her in a van and rushed her to the hospital, which was 30

kilometers away (I am using the usual system of units because I still don’t like

the mile system here in America and it will be easier for you to understand as

you are in Britain, I guess). It was an especially chilly winter that year and this

guy dared to come out. (I must tell you this that I read somewhere, that labor

6

pains are like a bad toothache; I wonder how the mother would have felt

because I have had many toothaches, and trust me they are killing). How I

wish there was a “fast forward” button to this episode of his childhood. But

anyway there are some interesting things in his childhood which are worth

mentioning here. Would you believe it, if I said that this boy, even at the age

of 2 was aware of his sexuality? (I hope you do because one emotion I am

going to talk a lot about in this letter is sex, I don’t know whether it even

belongs in the category of an emotion, LOL. Are any of you members Indian? I

hope not, or the first word that will come to your mind is Haw chhee. It is

hypocritical, not even ironic anymore, that how we Indians still consider

talking about sex a taboo and yet are only a few million shy of being the most

populated country in the world).The girls in the neighborhood would always

come to play with him as he was the only male around (I am sure the girls

also realized their sexuality early on, nice no?)

So yes, Raju (let’s call him that; easy, monosyllabic, and a common Indian

name) was the Kanahiya of the neighborhood. That italicized name is one of

the less popular gods (well I hope I don’t offend some Krishna bhakts) in

India. He always had girlfriends hovering around him as he was a chick

magnet (that’s what he did in his free time when he was tired of playing

GOD). Raju’s mother taught him about Gods and Raju learned how to be a

flirt from the stories (everyone learns what they want to learn; well, at least

he learned something from a God and did not fail his mother’s incessant

reminder to always be connected to our culture, LOL). Raju never failed to

wink at the girls and to look at their bodies, which got conveniently

camouflaged by his angelic smile. Growing up was easy- many ladies around

to care for him. He received training directly from the home makers- to-be,

by playing Ghar-Ghar (house) with them. (The most popular pastime for girls

in India, where they train themselves to be future home tyrants. Raju was

well treated though). Anyway, let’s not delve into his childhood here (I have

two hundred something more pages to write and more important things to

mention), well, but maybe.

OK wait, let's do this nicely, I mean in a more structured manner, let's divide

this letter into, say four to five chapters and take each phase separately, or

maybe not….. Let me inter-connect them at the end, like movies these days

7

(Hollywood and Bollywood both inclusive ~ the world knows of only these

two woods).

Here are the Phases:

1) Destiny (the childhood)

2) Dreams (Teenage)

3) Whatever ((what is age twenty- twenty three called?) (Inception)

4) Five more years plus “Whatever” ( Materialization)

5) Post “Whatever plus five” ( …. can’t think of any fancy thing right now

so will decide on this later OK?)

So now that I have divided Raju's life into five phases and have given you

some insight into his premature sexuality (I am sure all of you male judges

will be a little excited to read further, and women ones too :), by the way that

was a symbol for smile ok?).

Sirs and Madamjees. Let us begin.

Hey , hang on, let me also tell you that as you read , please do not dwell too

much on my Indianness. These words that I use are not to make you think

…... wow , omg ( oh my god ), omFg ( oh my fucking god), holy shit, this guy is

from India , must be incredible, (snake charmers and shit), just like they did

with Danny's movie........ India...hmmm...poverty....hmmm....Taj

Mahal..hmmm.. let's give him the Academy. No No, nothing like that. Btw (By

the way), male judges; do you remember the chick in that movie..sexy huh ??

I know, I know... five pages already and nothing, No plot, no characters, no

scenes and no fancy use of language, till now, a bummer, huh. And you,

saying to yourselves, “show us some meat you fool, get on with it, will you?”

(and here , like explained above... “dick” can be used by you to emote

perfectly:) ).

8

Cutting the bullshit Sirs and Madamjees and getting to the point.......

Please Turn over ….