CHALLENGING PEOPLE

CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS

www.aweneksolutions.com

2

Copyright © 2018 Awenek Solutions

Challenging Conversations : Challenging People : Challenging Tasks

Management and Leadership Series

3

4

Introduction

At some point, we all have to deal with difficult people… at work, in our personal lives, even unexpectedly as we are going about our day-to-day activities. Negativity from difficult people can often feel stifling to those of us who tend to enjoy our lives and have little tolerance for drama. Knowing how to deal with the negativity from different types of difficult people is crucial to your happiness and mental health. We’ll take a detailed look at nine types of difficult people, examine what it is that makes them behave the way they do, and discuss effective ways to combat, or at least tolerate, their behaviors. We will also spend some time discussing what you can do if you feel as if you might be exhibiting some of these negative behaviors yourself! Finally, we will conclude with a list of the ten things to remember when dealing with difficult people that will allow you to keep peace in your life. You can refer to these key reminders whenever you feel like a difficult person might be showing up. Let’s get started!

5

The Problem with Difficult People

To a normal healthy and happy person, difficult people just don’t make a lot of sense. They seem to fill their lives with negative actions and emotions that not only bring them down but affect those around them as well. Some of these difficult types appear to be completely unaware that they’re acting the way they do and yet others seem to know exactly what they’re doing and derive great pleasure from pushing other people’s buttons. This creates stress for everyone involved. It’s no secret that stress is terrible for nearly every single area of your life. Stress affects your mental health, as well as your physical and emotional health. Even a small sustained period of stress for a few days in a row can negatively affect how efficiently the neurons in your brain work. Weeks, months, or years of stress can have a permanent detrimental effect on your brain that can cause mood swings, depression, anxiety, weight gain, poor sleep, shortened memory, and a decreased attention span. Usually, it’s easy to identify the reason or reasons for your stress. There are so many stressors these days. Between work and family, social responsibilities and personal duties, there is much that needs to be done, but not enough time or energy to do it. Most of this stress is manageable, but when you’re hit with an unexpected source of stress, it can take you by surprise and do the greatest harm. Studies have shown that when you have to deal with difficult people and their negative behaviors, it causes your brain to have an enormous stress response. These stress responses are harmful to you and should be avoided at all costs. This is one of the most important reasons for learning how to deal with these difficult people. Once learned this will this will help avoid this type of stress response completely. Learning to manage your emotions when faced with a stressful situation directly affects how well you’re able to perform. In fact, studies have proven that around 90% of top performers are experts at controlling their emotions under extreme

6

pressure to maintain their calm. And that is one of the keys to neutralizing difficult people and rendering them unable to “get your goat.” Consider it a coping strategy that will keep negativity from reaching you, and harming you. Now, let’s dive into the most common difficult personality types, what causes them, and what we can do to deflect that stress and negate its destructive effects.

7

Types of Difficult People

Although the thought of labelling people isn’t the most positive of activities, it nevertheless provides an interesting framework for thinking about ‘behaviour’.

THE FAKE You’re usually able to spot this first difficult personality type from a mile away. Everything in their life is a big deal, and they are constantly regaling people with stories about their newest ‘glitery’ purchase or exotic vacation. They inflate every aspect of their lives to unbelievable proportions. All of which could be considered as indicators self-esteem issues. It’s a sad fact that not everyone is comfortable just being themselves. Confidence doesn’t come naturally to many people, and the reasons for this are many and come from various background situations, most of which began in childhood. Instead of developing a solid identity, The Fake has tried their hardest to become whomever they feel other people will like best. They tend to have a deep need for acceptance that has overtaken their need for an identity of their own. Their sense of self-worth rests almost entirely on how others view them, i.e. “if people like who I am, I am worthy.” Bragging and being fake is ultimately a survival skill that some individuals use to protect themselves from becoming close to others. They feel that becoming emotionally close to someone puts them at risk of being hurt. So, it makes sense to them to hide who they truly are and instead become someone they feel will protect them most effectively. By doing this, they eliminate their own risk of being emotionally let down by becoming emotionally involved. When you’ve got The Fake in your life, it can be very difficult not to have some sympathy for them, especially since you know where their behavior comes from.

8

You know they have the potential to be a great person if they’d stop acting, and start being who they truly are. Instinctively, you know that you can’t change them, but you may be able to help them understand that they really are okay just being themselves. When you’re trying to deal with The Fake, no matter how frustrating their behavior is, you have to try not to react emotionally to how they are behaving. If you do, you’re feeding right into the emotional attention that they crave, which will just validate their behavior. Keep your emotions cool, judgment to a minimum, and patience at a maximum. If what they are saying or claiming is blatantly untrue, you can definitely call them out on it, but do it privately and with kindness. Remember what made them this way, and it becomes easier to deal with them compassionately. Try to explain to them that people who care about them can see right through the masks they try to wear and that those same people just want to know who they really are inside. You might find that they’re very open to change, and getting them to open up to you is easy. And that might be all they need to begin a search for their true identity. On the other hand, you may find that they deny they are putting on a mask, and they refuse to acknowledge your accusations, even though they came from a place of caring. This is the risk you take. If you’re lucky enough to get them to open up – even just a bit – you can reinforce that whoever they are is absolutely perfect and great! And be aware that they may not have any idea who they are because they have been acting for so long. This is where your unconditional love and acceptance will come in handy to show them that they are emotionally safe with you. Hopefully, their authentic self will begin to shine through! If you can’t reach them, and their behavior becomes intolerable, you may need to decide to limit your time with The Fake. This will at least alleviate some of the stress that you feel when you’re around them.

9

THE USER The User tends to be selfish with their time, resources and energy. That is, except when they need something from you. Then they seem to have all the time in the world until they obtain what they need. They are self-centered and manipulative, arranging situations to their advantage without much focus on who else it may affect. The User will drain you mentally, emotionally, and often financially if you let them, and then simply move on to the next victim, leaving you feeling taken advantage of and violated. This can be a difficult type to deal with, and the motivation to help them is rarely present because they often don’t have much in the way of redeeming qualities. They show up, take what they need or want, and leave. You know a User if you’ve ever experienced any of the following:

• Someone who acts friendly and emotionally available when they need something, but completely changes once they get it from you.

• Someone who is constantly asking you for favors, and expects you to accommodate them, but you know they won’t be there if you need something.

• Someone who borrows money but never repays. • Someone who only gives you excuses for why they can’t help you when you

ask for help. Of course, there are times when a bit of selfishness is necessary. Maybe you’re having a stressful time at work, so you reduce your after-work responsibilities so that you have time to take a relaxing bath. This is an example of good self-care and is entirely different than The User’s type of selfishness. In The User’s own mind, their needs will always come first, while yours are left ignored. With The User, the surest way to stop them from causing you stress is to simply eliminate them from your life. They are one of the most destructive types of people to try to deal with, so not having to deal with them at all is the ideal situation. Of course, that may not be possible based on your unique situation, so

10

here are a few ways to make sure that they don’t take advantage of you with their selfish behavior. First of all, you need to set boundaries if you must have this difficult personality type in your life. Remember that no one can take advantage of you if you don’t let them take advantage of you. Ultimately, you can’t control The User’s behavior, but you can control how you react to it. Think about what may have happened in their life to cause their selfishness and opportunistic behavior. If you know a lot about their life experiences, it may be obvious to you why they are doing what they do. Of course, this isn’t to say the behavior is excusable, but sometimes it can help make associating with a User less difficult if you know the why behind their actions. When you know that you’ve had enough of them, learn to step away. If they question it, answer honestly that you feel you are always the one giving and that it is causing you stress that exhausts you. Be aware that sometimes, the smartest thing you can do for yourself is to say goodbye. Learn how to protect your energy from The User. Their personality can be seen as vampiric – sucking the energy right out of you if you let them. Before you reach your breaking point, know when to take a break.

11

THE UNPREDICTABLE Why do unstable, unpredictable people make us feel so on-edge? Why is it so difficult to get to know and like these types of people? Well, if someone is known for being unstable or unpredictable, it’s highly likely that they’re also known for being untrustworthy, too. If someone is behaving erratically or unpredictably, it’s going to be hard to trust them. Some scholars believe that humans come by unpredictability naturally; others believe that it’s part of the nurturing we receive as we’re raised. In all actuality, it’s probably a combination of both. And when you can’t get to know someone by relying on the different ways that they act, their preferences, etc., it makes you want to steer very clear of them because you never know what to expect. We have a tendency to romanticize unpredictability, and some consider it sexy and mysterious. In truth, there are situations where it can be romantic. For example, being surprised with rose petals covering your bedspread is definitely romantic! And being a little unpredictable when in a long-term relationship is definitely a good thing. It helps keep a healthy level of excitement in the relationship, and surprising your significant other with things you know they love and will make them happy is a win-win situation. This is a positive benefit of unpredictability. At other times, though, unpredictability and instability will cause problems, such as when you’re at work. Your colleagues and your employer must be able to trust that you’ll follow the agreed-upon plan when you’re working on projects. If you don’t, that unpredictability will become unacceptable in the workplace and may result in you losing your job. Likewise, if you’re involved in any kind of a sports league or community group, the other people in the group need to know they can rely on you to be there and do your part. Problems arise because unstable people tend not to have rational thought processes. So when you try to talk to them about their unpredictability, they often can’t see that how they act is a problem. Sometimes this occurs because they subconsciously have a need to control situations and relationships… and

12

keeping you guessing is one way to do that. They may not be able to see it as the negative personality trait that it is because it’s something they’ve always done to survive. If you have to deal with an unpredictable person, you must expect they will not do what they say they’ll do. And then just be prepared for them to either follow through or not. To The Unpredictable, a last-minute change in plans is never an issue, no matter who it inconveniences. Boundaries need to be set and followed to prevent yourself from being affected by their behavior. If this isn’t enough, be prepared to distance yourself from them, especially if their unpredictability is affecting your everyday life.

13

THE BULLY Remember that kid in school who used to relentlessly tease other kids, push them around, and basically make their lives miserable? Wouldn’t it be great if when we were done with school, we were also done with bullying personalities? Unfortunately, bullies tend to stay bullies, even when they’re grown up. They can still make life miserable, as anyone who has experienced a bullying boss or co-worker can attest. Bullying in adulthood can look and feel extremely similar to that of childhood, it just often happens in a more subtle way. Instead of name calling and being mean, they are passive-aggressive and manipulative. Instead of physically pushing you around, they mentally push your buttons. And because most of us are interested in keeping the peace, we often just ignore it… and wasn’t that what mom and dad told us to do way-back-when anyways? Control, as you’ll see, is incredibly important to The Bully. Controlling things gives this type a sense of self-worth. A few of the subtler ways that this negative personality type can get under our skin include:

• Being intentionally late or being a no-show – This is a form of disrespect that can be mildly annoying in a personal situation, or much more serious if it happens in a business situation. Examples are a missed meeting or being late for a client appointment.

• Ignoring you – Another form of disrespect, this behavior aims to keep you in the dark. Even if you ask a specific question or make a specific request, it goes unanswered by The Bully as a way to retain control.

• Lying about you to others – Ultimately a form of sabotage, The Bully starts rumors in order to see what your reaction will be. This can be seriously damaging in a business situation where your reputation is at stake.

• Various passive-aggressive behaviors – Things like always having to have the last word, giving backward compliments, or deliberately procrastination in order to inconvenience you are just a few sneaky ways that The Bully tries to control every situation.

14

How you react to these types of behaviors is the key to taking the power away from The Bully. If you’re prone to becoming a victim, be on the lookout – a bully will see you as an easy target and they’ll take full advantage of it. Learn to become assertive and defend yourself. The first time you face the bully and defend yourself will more often than not be the last time that bully bothers you in any way. They do not like to be challenged, and they’ll go and find an easier target.

15

THE CHRONIC COMPLAINER We all complain sometimes because sometimes there’s something to complain about. But the constant negativity that The Chronic Complainer carries around with them can physically and mentally exhaust you to the point where you’re just worn out. And when you’re worn out, you’re more apt to be cranky and out of sorts – another thing The Chronic Complainer loves, because as we all know, “misery loves company.” It can indeed be a challenge to keep a positive attitude in the face of The Chronic Complainer. Why do some people complain so much? Do they enjoy being miserable? Usually, that’s not the case, but surprisingly, complaining can become a habit that gives people comfort because of its familiarity. Of course, this happens subconsciously, and most people who are chronic complainers don’t even realize that they’re doing it. Like any habit, complaining can be reduced or eliminated, but the first step is awareness. Once you’re aware of the habit, you can take actions to change it. If you find yourself in the unfortunate company of a chronic complainer, there are a few things that you can do to make the situation a little less painful:

• Most complainers don’t really see themselves as being too negative. What they do seem to relate to is being someone who has had to struggle a lot in life, and being someone who never seems to get their fair share. This negatively colors their viewpoint so that they tend to be generally pessimistic. Trying to understand where they’re coming from can help you deal with this type of person.

• Don’t tell them that their life isn’t as bad as they think it is. This will just engage you in a conversation where they’ll give you several different reasons why, in fact, it truly is as bad as they make it out to be. They really believe this, and it is a mindset issue that often takes professional help to fix. The chronic complainer really just wants to have their complaints validated. If you can do that, it is often easier to deflect their attention to something other than one of their complaints.

16

• As hard as it may be, don’t give them advice about their problems. Too often, they’re really not interested in solutions, they just enjoy the act of complaining. This is extremely frustrating to anyone who must spend time with a complainer, especially if your advice would easily solve their problem.

Truth be told, you’d do best to eliminate these types of chronically negative people from your life. But if that’s just not possible, set up boundaries so that you’re not soaking up all that negativity.

17

THE FLAKE The Flake is quite a mystery. They’ll agree to do something with you, but they’ll cancel at the last minute… every single time. If you leave them a voicemail message, you know they won’t call you back. They never return your text messages or emails. Still, they’re generally really good-natured, likable people. You can trust them. They’re fun to be around. They’re just… flaky. The Flake is someone that we’ve probably all experienced at one time or another. They’re known for being frustrating because they do things like:

• Make promises but don’t deliver. • Stand you up for meetings or dates. • Agree to do things with you but frequently cancel.

The Flake really doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and they often don’t realize the amount of harm they do to friendships and business relationships because of the way they act. You’ll quickly learn to take what The Flake says with a grain of salt, and learn that they can’t be relied on. With all the frustration that comes with The Flake, they are one of the easier personalities to handle effectively. It basically boils down to setting and keeping boundaries to avoid feeling like you’re always the one doing the sacrificing. Stuff can happen – unplanned difficulties come up for all of us. But when that type of thing happens generally it’s time to set some guidelines into place. First, let The Flake know that the next time you plan to get together with them and if they don’t show up or they cancel at the last minute, that’ll be the last time they’re invited to do something with you. This sends a clear message that their behavior isn’t going to be tolerated any longer. Second, try to find out why they tend to do things like cancel plans. Maybe they feel socially awkward, or maybe something is going on in their personal life that is taking up all their energy. Often, if you can find out the reason behind the

18

behavior, you can support them in ways you couldn’t before, and this will go a long way toward helping them put a stop to their annoying actions.

19

THE KNOW-IT-ALL The Know-It-All has more than you, has done more than you, and of course, knows more than you. They have an answer for everything, whether or not it’s based on any real-life experience. If you relate a story, they’ll one-up it. If you talk, they’ll talk at the same time over you. They feel they are superior and will often become antagonistic for no apparent reason. And the reason for all this holier-than-thou behavior? You guessed it – low self-esteem! Making themselves appear more important than others bolsters what little self-esteem they have but alienates people and they don’t seem to “get” it. Many of the personality traits of The Know-It-All are also found in mental illnesses. Behaviors such as the inability to read social cues accurately, impulsiveness, and poor listening skills can be an indicator of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. There is a time in every human being’s development during the pre-teen or teenage years, where kids act as if they know everything and you can’t tell them anything, or you can tell them, but they won’t listen. It’s frustrating to parents and adults, but it’s just a temporary stage that every young adult goes through. They outgrow this stage and usually become adults that are strong, open-minded, and see the benefit in listening to good advice. Not so with The Know-It-All. It’s as if they’ve never outgrown that teenage stage in their life and they’re stuck in a place where no one can tell them anything. Everything about their behavior is aimed at preserving their already fragile sense of self, so it pays to learn not to take anything that they say or do personally. They crave acknowledgment of their perceived intelligence and praise when they’ve succeeded at something. Learn to use honest flattery and subtle, gentle criticisms to help them realize how they are acting because many aren’t aware of it.

20

With this difficult personality type, boundaries are extremely important. It is important that they are very clear and are always followed. Communicating with The Know-It-All requires decisiveness and confidence, as they might try to talk over you or give their opinion where it is not wanted. They will give harsh unsolicited criticism if they feel they are not being heard. This personality requires a good amount of patience to help keep them on course.

21

THE INDECISIVE Successful people are usually very strong decision makers. They make decisions confidently and easily, and while they may not always make the right choice, it is their confident and straightforward manner that keeps others looking to them for direction. The Indecisive, on the other hand, may be completely unable to make even the simplest of decisions. This leads to endless frustration for those in a leadership role when decisions need to be made, and no one else can accomplish it. What makes a person indecisive? A lot of what makes someone unable to efficiently make decisions stems from an irrational and unrealistic need for certainty in life. Making good decisions is important, but when it’s combined with an escalated need to get the decision right, one can become indecisive and create a ton of additional stress for themselves and those around them. Indecisiveness sometimes comes from unhappy past experiences such as being told they’re not smart enough to make a proper decision. Indecisiveness is also very closely related to depression. So consider the past history of the individual in question and see if the inability to make decisions is a result of that history. It helps greatly to simply expect that people will be indecisive. By lowering your expectations, especially if you are a quick and confident decision maker, you can help relieve large amounts of stress that you might feel from others not being as decisive as you. Realize that not everyone thinks like you do, but others have strengths that you may not possess. The Indecisive feels completely overwhelmed at decision making and has little confidence that they’ll make the right decision. This creates such a stressful situation for them that they feel as if making a decision – any decision – is impossible. When approaching The Indecisive with a decision that must be made, limit the choices you give them. This will enable them to make a faster decision with less stress because they have a finite number of choices from which to make their ultimate decision.

22

Remember to have patience. Indecisive people still have great brains to work with and lots of valuable input. In fact, information that they give you will often be of more value simply because they’ve given it more thought, and have considered the outcome from so many different angles. Offering them patience, but still keeping them focused on the goal of making the decision will prevent you from playing into their dysfunction.

23

THE FRENEMY What is a “frenemy”? It’s a friend and an enemy combined into one confusing relationship, and it’s far deeper than simply someone who gets on your nerves or annoys you. A frenemy can indeed turn into a very toxic relationship unless you’ve made a point to set up the proper boundaries well in advance. A frenemy may act friendly to your face but talk about you behind your back. They’re not very loyal, and in reality, don’t have many true friends because of it. Where a frenemy is concerned, the saying, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” rings true. While we probably wouldn’t choose to have this person as part of our personal or social lives, we often have to deal with them in a work environment as colleagues or service providers. This means that it is imperative that we learn to deal effectively with The Frenemy to keep the peace and help the business aspect of our lives. As difficult as the frenemy relationship is, you might be surprised to discover that these types of relationships can also be beneficial to you! Consider your problem solving and decision making processes. When you have a frenemy at work, it forces you to become more creative in finding the answers to problems. You might be forced to see things from another perspective when you’re unable to agree on a solution. It allows you to learn the art of compromise. And this is all well and good in theory, but sometimes the reality is a bit more difficult. Once you know that your associate is a frenemy, it’s important that you set up the boundaries you’ll need in order to maintain privacy. Don’t ever think they are your friend because if you make this mistake, you’ll definitely regret it. And when you spend time with them, the minute you feel their negativity creeping in, it’s time to cut the time short. Important boundaries need to be put in place for discussing personal information, deciding what topics you’ll discuss in advance, and the amount of time you plan to spend with The Frenemy. Also, be wary when drinking alcohol with The

24

Frenemy, as your inhibitions will be lessened and you might have the urge to divulge information in trust that you shouldn’t. A healthy way to view a frenemy is to see them as your competition. Healthy competition is good for both professional and personal growth, so utilize this relationship to your benefit in this way. Be aware, though, that if you begin to feel overwhelmed or begin feeling any other negative emotions, it may be time to back away for a while. One thing to avoid with The Frenemy is over-reacting to anything they do. It’s possible that they know exactly how to get under your skin, and they’ll do that just for their own entertainment. Remember not to take it personally, and give yourself a few minutes to calm down before resuming your communication with them.

25

SUMMARY

So we’ve discussed nine different types of difficult people and what makes them tick. We know that many of their negative behaviors result from their past history, and we now know the best ways to deal with each of them. If you thought you noticed similarities among how to deal with each of these difficult personality types, you’re absolutely correct. There are several things that we can do in general to make any difficult person easier to cope with. Here are ten things that truly happy and successful people do to deal with difficult, negative people. 1. Set your limits and stick to them. Negative people concentrate on their problems, not the solutions to their problems. They enjoy nothing more than wallowing and they’d love it if you’d join them in their pity party. Successful people know that there is a very fine line between being sympathetic and letting someone else’s negativity suck you in. We often listen to someone else’s complaining because we don’t want to be seen as blunt or insulting, but that can open us up to internalizing that negativity. When that happens, it puts you into a downward spiral that can be hard to pull back out of. Setting limits prevents this scenario from happening. When you’ve reached a limit, you simply step away from the relationship, whether that means walking away for a few minutes during a business meeting to clear your head, or taking a week off from a friendship to find your inner peace again. A simple and easy way to quit a complainer is to ask them directly how they intend to fix the problem they are complaining about. The conversation will either stop right there or turn toward a positive direction.

26

2. Separate yourself emotionally from the situation. When you internalize the craziness around you, it turns you crazy too. So when people around you are behaving that way, remove emotion from the equation. Doing so will prevent you from getting sucked into the drama and negativity. Stop trying to think you’ll change their behavior and simply distance yourself. If you must interact with them, do so entirely from an analytical perspective, not an emotional one, and focus solely on the facts. 3. Become more self-aware. In order to accomplish #2 above, you need to have a pretty keen insight into your own emotions and what bothers you. Only then can you identify where a trigger lies, and attempt to regroup and focus on the most positive way forward. Allow yourself some time to develop this self-awareness, because it’s one of the most worthwhile things you can do for yourself. When you reach a certain level of self-awareness, you’ll instantly know when something feels “off” and you’re also very likely to be able to identify exactly what it is. This gives you the power to change your reaction to the situation (if you can’t change the situation itself). 4. Establish your boundaries. Once you’re aware of what your hot buttons are, and who likes to push them, you can set boundaries in place that serve to lessen or eliminate the time you have to spend around someone difficult. Much of the discomfort that happens when we’re around difficult people happens because we feel out of control. When you’ve set your own boundaries regarding when, where, and about what you’ll talk to the difficult person, you’re the one in control of the situation. Combine this with the emotional boundaries you’ve set, and you’re in a much less stressful position… a position where you can defend your boundaries.

27

5. Learn to choose your battles. Smart, successful, happy people know that what’s important in life has absolutely zero to do with any toxic person. Choosing not to let them affect your life is one of the simplest ways to defend yourself from difficult people and come out on top consistently. Stand your ground when it’s imperative to the outcome. Any other time, let their toxicity just slide off your back. 6. Focus on the solutions, not the problems. When you concentrate all of your energy towards finding a solution, it creates a completely different state of mind than if you’re focusing on problems. Problems are negative – solutions are positive! Fixate your actions on improving yourself and your circumstances, and by doing so, you become the solution. When you know that you’re in control, it gives you a sense of freedom that results in more positive emotions and a huge reduction in stress. You realize that you have the power over the negative people in your life. 7. Forgive, but don’t forget. Those who have above-average emotional intelligence realize that forgiving is healthy… but forgetting is not. The only way you can prevent yourself from getting into future harm is to remember when a mistake is made, or when you are wronged. When that happens, quickly forgive and let go of the situation, but don’t give the person who did something to you a chance to do it again. 8. Be kind to yourself. It’s super easy to take on someone else’s negativity and call it your own. But one way to deflect that negativity is to really focus on how you’re talking to yourself and become acutely aware of the thoughts you’re having. Negative self-talk is harmful in myriad ways, not the least of which is that it is self-defeating and completely unnecessary. And, it can be dangerous. Many people who deal with depression recognize negative self-talk as the beginning of a downward spiral. Talking positively to oneself is one way to ward off negativity completely.

28

9. Get some sleep. This may seem out of place, but successful people know when to sleep. You simply cannot deflect negativity or difficult people when mentally, physically or emotionally drained. Sleep is the one thing that can help any type of exhaustion because it gives your entire mind, body, and brain a chance to recharge and recovery. It helps to reduce stress and create a more positive perspective. 10. Build a support system and don’t be afraid to use it. You simply can’t handle everything on your own, and trying to do so is a recipe for disaster. Building a support system helps you gain perspective from others of like mind when you having to deal with someone difficult. It can give you much-needed advice and experience from others. And, you can use your support system as a sounding board to find solutions, or just to unload when someone difficult is driving you crazy. Trusted individuals can even help you understand where you might be going wrong in dealing with difficult people and they may be able to show you ways that are easier and more effective. Problem people are everywhere. But that doesn’t mean they have to affect you.

29

Dealing with Disagreements

Unless you live on a mountaintop by yourself, you’re going to have disagreements with others. You’ll never find another person that agrees with you 100% of the time. Whether you’re at work, home, or out in public, there will be times that you disagree with someone. Growing your ability to deal effectively with these disagreements is a pretty good use of your time. You can solve a lot of challenges and avoid many issues if you have effective communication skills.

Turn disagreement into agreement with these strategies:

1. Decide if the situation is worth a disagreement. Does it really matter now if the Spurs did or didn’t win the Cup in the 1970’s. Some things just don’t matter, and others are simply a matter of opinion. It’s okay if someone thinks a Kit Kat tastes better than a Snickers.

2. Ensure that you understand what the other person is saying. It’s easy to misunderstand. Maybe there’s not a disagreement at all. Before you open your mouth, clarify what the other person is saying. You might be pleasantly surprised to discover that there’s nothing to argue about.

Listening skills are perhaps the most important conflict-resolution skills you can possess.

3. Monitor your emotions. Notice when your anger is beginning to grow.

When your emotions are running high, your ability to make rational decisions goes out the window. Either learn to calm yourself or walk away until you’ve cooled off.

30

4. Avoid making it personal. There’s a difference between saying, “I think what you’re saying is inaccurate” versus “Only an idiot would think that.” Address the words or behavior without attacking the person. Making it personal quickly escalates the situation.

5. Choose the right time to raise a concern. A family reunion isn’t the right time to address the household budget. Be reasonable and give some warning if possible. “I’d like to discuss the issue between you and my sister. Can we talk about it tonight?”

6. Be willing to walk away if things get out of hand. There’s a time to move forward and a time to retreat. There’s no harm in calling a timeout and trying again tomorrow. When things get too heated, the potential damage isn’t worth it. Notice when others are getting agitated.

7. Agree on the purpose of the disagreement. Is the purpose to be right or to determine the truth? Or is the purpose to find a common middle ground? If you both have the same objective, it will be much easier to find a solution that makes both of you happy.

8. Be patient. Conflicts are always resolved with a chat and a cup of coffee. We all have issues we’re dealing with that can get in the way our relationships with others. In time, conflicts tend to lessen and become easier to resolve.

9. Allow the other person to save face. If someone backs themselves into a corner, give them a chance to get out without losing face. Practice kindness. Give everyone enough space to avoid feeling embarrassed.

The world is full of people, and it isn’t always possible to get along with them 100% of the time. Disagreements happen.

Each disagreement is an opportunity to improve or degrade a relationship.

31

Disagreement also creates possibility. Having strong skills in this area of life can be invaluable. Seek to find common ground in your disagreements and keep the argued point in perspective.

32

The Win-Win Situation

Try to Turn Every Situation into a Win-Win You are going to deal with adverse situations at work. It’s a fact of life. People will try to pass work off to you that they should be doing themselves, or they will rope you into the wrong side of office politics. The worst way to handle this is to blow up and get angry. This puts you on the defense and it’s difficult to think rationally when this happens. It also can lead the way into saying something that you’ll regret later. A better approach is to find ways to make the situation a win-win for everyone involved. This may not always be easy, or even possible, but if you can make it happen, it will diffuse the situation and create more harmony in the work environment. The first step in looking for ways to make it a win-win is to try and see the situation from the perspective of your adversary. Perhaps he or she is experiencing some problems at home and it’s affected his or her judgement at work. You have to try to find out without appearing to pry. This could be as simple as asking if the person has something they want to talk about. Even just showing that you are willing to do this can go a long way to diffuse the situation. You could proceed to offer to take on some of the person’s workload if that is what they are struggling with. Just make it clear that you will only do this for a short period of time, with the understanding that they need to take up the duties after such a time.

33

If the situation is work related, try to work with the person to find a solution that will help them solve it. This will take some time out of your day but having the person return to a good place is going to make this extra time worth it. Of course, there are going to be people that no matter how much effort you put in to try and help, are going to be adversarial towards you. If they continue to do so in a manner that is not within their right, you will need to figure out whether you want to escalate the situation with your manager. This should be the last course of action but may be necessary. You will likely find that most people will be receptive when they see that you both come out as winners.

34

Satir Communication Patterns

Virginia Satir was an American author and therapist, known especially for her approach to family therapy and her pioneering work in the field of family reconstruction therapy. She is widely regarded as the "Mother of Family Therapy. Her most well-known books are Conjoint Family Therapy, 1964, Peoplemaking, 1972, and The New Peoplemaking, 1988. Virginia Satir described four categories that were responsible for many family conflicts and one that can be used for resolving conflict and bringing people together. These 'patterns' are also relevant within organisations. THE FIVE SATIR CATEGORIES ARE:

Blaming Placating Computing Distracting Levelling

35

1. Blamer Blamer behaviour finds fault — never accepting responsibility themselves, always blaming someone or something else. The Blamer hides a feeling of alienation and loneliness behind a tough and complacent mask. Blamers are more likely to initiate conflict 2. Placater (Non-assertive) Placaters are out to please, non-assertive, never disagreeing, and always seeking approval. They avoid conflict. Their main concern is how other people perceive them. 3. Computer Computer behaviour is very correct and proper but displaying no emotion, masking a feeling of vulnerability. They often appear cold or unfeeling. A computer can be a firework of emotions inside while appearing very calm and super-rational on the outside. They often say things that are value judgments without indicating who could have made the judgment, which implies that everyone would agree. 4. Distractor (sometimes called Detractor) Distractors seek attention to compensate for their feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. Rather than positive action, Distractors use a range of emotions from anger to guilt to either avoid an issue or manipulate how others feel. Distractors use a range of behaviour from Blamer, Computer and Distractor.

36

5. Leveller (Assertive) Levellers have emotional balance and can relate to all kinds of people. They are assertive. The goal of levelling is mutual problem solving. Levellers have few threats to their self-esteem. Words, voice tone, body movements and facial expressions all give the same message. The Leveller communication category of behaviour can be used resolve conflict and bring people together. The distinction of the leveller is that the leveller has real-time, congruent responses. All the other responses are the result of negative internal feelings causing words and actions to be incongruent. Attributes of a Leveller The Leveller response is the most effective behaviour for solving problems creatively. Their body posture communicates the idea that they are being to true to what they think. They come across as ‘on the level’, centred and factual. Levellers... look for solutions.

have a conscious positive intention behind everything they do. hold strong positive beliefs about themselves and others. operate from strong personal values. store positive mind images. have flexibility of behaviour when communicating with others. establish rapport before trying to influence.

It is worth your time and effort to reflect on each of these 'types' of communication pattern. Which is your default position? Which 'pattern' would you have the most difficulty in dealing with?

37

Eric Berne Communications Patterns

Eric Berne was a Canadian-born psychiatrist who, in the middle of the 20th century, created the theory of transactional analysis as a way of explaining human behaviour. Berne’s theory of transactional analysis was based on the ideas of Freud but was distinctly different. Freudian psychotherapists focused on talk therapy as a way of gaining insight to their patient’s personalities. Berne believed that insight could be better discovered by analyzing patients’ social transactions. Berne suggested that there are four life positions that a person can hold, and holding a particular psychological position has profound implications for how an individual operationalizes his or her life. The positions are stated as: I'm OK and you are OK. This is the healthiest position about life and it means that I feel good about myself and that I feel good about others and their competence. I'm OK and you are not OK. In this position I feel good about myself but I see others as damaged or less than and it is usually not healthy. I'm not OK and you are OK. In this position the person sees him/herself as the weak partner in relationships as the others in life are definitely better than the self. The person who holds this position will unconsciously accept abuse as OK. I'm not OK and you are not OK. This is the worst position to be in as it means that I believe that I am in a terrible state and the rest of the world is as bad. Consequently, there is no hope for any ultimate support These 'positions' could be seen to manifest in the default 'ego state' an individual present in their communications.

38

At any given time, a person experiences and manifests his or her personality through a mixture of behaviours, thoughts, and feelings. These ‘ego states’ are summarised as… EGO STATES Parent : a state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted, or how they interpreted their parent's actions. For example, a person may shout at someone out of frustration because they learned from an influential figure in childhood the lesson that this seemed to be a way of relating that worked. Adult : a state of the ego which is most like an artificially intelligent system processing information and making predictions about major emotions that could affect its operation. Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA. While a person is in the Adult ego state, he/she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality. Child : a state in which people behave, feel, and think similarly to how they did in childhood. For example, a person who receives a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor and crying or pouting, as when scolded as a child. Conversely, a person who receives a good evaluation may respond with a broad smile and a joyful gesture of thanks. The Child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation, spontaneity, and intimacy. Within each of these ego states are subdivisions. Parental figures can be nurturing (permission-giving, security-giving) or more criticising. Childhood behaviours are either more natural (free) or more adapted to the expectations of others.

39

As with your consideration of the Satir Categories it is worth thinking about... Your default ego-state in different contexts (with your family, friends, colleagues and managers). You could also consider the ego-states you find difficult to deal with.

40

Active Listening – The Key Ideas

Active Listening is NOT a passive act.

The Chinese pictogram above is said to show the word 'listen' and depending upon the specific translation shows how 'eyes', 'ears', 'heart., 'mind' and 'undivided attention' are all linked to the act of listening. So when listening you.. Use your EARS to hear the sounds EYES to watch the speaker (you're looking at the non-verbal component of communication) HEART to get a feeling for what and how something is being said MIND to understand All of which requires your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

41

The Active Listening Process GIVE attention the listening body – watch for non-verbal communication QUESTION for understanding the best questions are WHAT, WHERE, WHO, WHEN, HOW - rarely use WHY PARAPHRASE - repeat back what you have heard the speaker say using their words and phrases SUMMARISE - what you understand by using your words and phrases In paraphrasing the opening line 'YOU SAID ...' as a preface to feeding back what the speaker said puts the emphasis on their words and they way they used them. In this way they can check that they said what they wanted or meant to say. In summarising the opening line 'LET ME SEE IF I UNDERSTAND...' signals that you are using your words and phrases to demonstrate your understanding of their statements. In these stages both parties are able to redefine the words they have used, what the 'wanted to say' or 'meant; and what they have understood. When the person who has been speaking hears their own words said back to them there is the possibility that they will gain an outside perspective of what they have said.

42

In everyday conversation this process may seem a little too formal or prescriptive. However, it can be used in a way that does not make it feel like an interrogation. There is a free-flow between questioning, paraphrasing and summarising. The power of this structure can be really seen when used in coaching, counselling and management conversations.

If you found this material interesting you might like to look at the on-line courses which explore some of these issues in a little more depth and also have video references to further develop understanding. www.aweneksolutions.com/on-line-courses awenekcreations@gmail.com