Our Feature Articles Page 1-2: Surviving Valentine’s Day

Page 3-4: Finding the Right Words

Page 5-6: From the Executive Director

Page 7-8: Love Mark

Page 9: “Attitude of Gratitude”

Gift of Grief

Page 10: FIND JOY EVERY DAY

Before ~ After

Page 11: Support Group Calendar The purpose of this newsletter is to help

those who have experienced the death of a

loved one. Each month, we share infor-

mation and ideas from bereaved people and

professionals to help you through your

grief journey. Please know you are not

alone. HOPE is here to help you. To talk

with a compassionate, caring professional,

please call us today at 315-475-9675.

Share Your Story

Underwriting ~ Opportunity Do you have an article or story to

share? We are always looking for arti-

cles that inspire hope, help and com-fort to the bereaved. Email us at:

mail@hopeforbereaved.com

Each month, the HOPELine is sent to

1,200 families throughout Central

New York and the United States. If

you would like to underwrite the cost

of the HOPELine for a specific month,

please contact Pat Kriesel at HOPE at

315 -475 -9675 o r ema i l h er

pkriesel@hopeforbereaved.com It

costs $450 to underwrite the newslet-

ter. Your donation will fund 100% of

the expense of a newsletter for a

month. You may include a special

dedication to your loved one.

Thank you for

supporting the HOPELine!

As you journey from grief to HOPE

Surviving Valentine’s Day A widow’s guide to celebrating love ~ alone

by Alina Larson

For kids, Valentine’s Day is a time to exchange funny

cards and eat boxes of chocolate. For adults, it’s often much

more than just an occasion to send flowers and buy jewelry,

chocolates and cards—it’s a time to rededicate your love to

one special person.

But when you’re a widow or widower, Cupid’s arrow can

pierce your heart in a very different way on February 14th.

What was once a holiday of “warm fuzzies” can turn into a day

of sorrow.

“If you find yourself alone on February 14th after years

of celebrating with someone you loved very much, the void

that you feel can be overwhelming,” points out author Joni

Aldrich, “It’s difficult to see happy couples all around you

when all you can think about is the person who died.”

Aldrich speaks from experience. She knows grief

firsthand. In 2006, her husband Gordon died after a two-year

battle with cancer. She wrote two books about the experience:

The Saving of Gordon: Lifelines to W-I-N Against Cancer and

The Losing of Gordon: A Beacon Through the Storm Called "Grief" (both Cancer Lifeline Publications, 2009). In the latter,

Aldrich tells the inspirational story of how she rebuilt her life

after the death of her husband.

Because Valentine’s Day held so many precious

memories, Aldrich still finds the holiday difficult, even though

it’s been three years since her husband died.

And she’s not alone. Red hearts and sappy songs on the

radio can highlight loss as easily as they can inspire ardor. If

you are facing this Valentine’s Day by yourself, perhaps for the

first time, Aldrich offers 6 tips that might make the day easier

to navigate.

Celebrating 40 Years of HOPE Our goal, in this 40th year, is to expand our support, services and outreach to the bereaved with

emphasis on helping grieving youth, and to financially solidify HOPE for decades to come.

HOPELine February 2019 Issue

A monthly newsletter of HOPE FOR BEREAVED, a not-for-profit community organization

providing hope, support and services for the bereaved.

Continued on Page 2

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 2

Surviving Valentine’s Day … Continue from Page 1

1. Prepare in advance

Maybe it’s true that ignorance is bliss. Even if you wanted to forget about the existence of

“Valentine’s Day,” though, our consumer-driven culture wouldn’t let you. “You wish you

could just hide under a rock until the last conversation heart has disappeared,” says Aldrich.

“Survival requires looking deep inside yourself to determine what you might do to make this

holiday less painful. There is no secret formula—we’re all different—but try to focus on the

fact that it’s just one day.”

2. Know what to avoid

“Unless you’re joined by friends or family, stay away from restaurants,” Aldrich advises. “The

empty place across the table will cast a pall on any pleasant feelings you’ve managed to work

up. Along those lines, avoid any of the ‘old favorites’ that might be painful. Order take-out

or cook at home, but don’t fix that special dinner you used to make with the person you

loved.” Another no-no? A romantic movie. Choose a comedy.

3. Stay busy

Chances are you’ve heard advice like “Get out of the house! He wouldn’t want you to stop

living your own life.” And while such insights might not always be what you want to hear,

they have more than a grain of truth. If you’re dreading the rush of painful emotions and

memories that Valentine’s Day will bring, plan an activity that will take your mind off of

things. “Schedule some quality time with friends and family,” Aldrich recommends. “Play some

board or card games. Focus on a new project that you really enjoy, such as redecorating your

home.”

4. Allow the emotions to come

Remember that grief never fits into a neat timetable, and that it’s unhealthy to pretend that

everything’s okay when it’s not. No matter how prepared you think you are or how much of

your life you think you may have rebuilt after suffering the devastating death of a loved one,

grief can still bowl you over with emotion. “Valentine’s Day is especially tough because not

only do you have to deal with your own memories, but your senses are constantly assaulted,

too,” Aldrich observes. “Let the emotions come—just try to keep them from overwhelming

you. Depending on how you feel, you might write a love poem or letter to the one whom

you are grieving. The point is that it’s okay to remember those whom you loved and lost.”

5. Recognize all your relationships

Although Valentine’s Day is largely marketed to lovers, it isn’t limited to them—in fact,

far from it. February 14th is a time to focus on anyone and everyone whom you love, such as

your children and grandchildren and friends. “Every day is a good day to tell those whom

you love how you feel. And don’t forget to love yourself in the process, says Aldrich.

6. Count your blessings

Focus on all of the blessings you still have in your life, and on all of the love that you still

enjoy. We should all appreciate the good, and know that when bad things happen in our lives

the only way forward is to move ahead—one small step at a time.

Source: https://www.guideposts.org/

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 3

FINDING THE RIGHT WORDS: Guidelines on how to talk to grieving children about death

By By Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Through the years I have learned a great deal from many grieving children and their families. They have taught me which words work best when talking to children about death. Here are some general con-cepts I suggest companions use when talking with children about death, dying, grief, and mourning.

Talk openly about death The child’s journey through grief depends on you being honest and open about the death he has expe-rienced. You may feel that if you are quiet and don’t talk about it, you are helping him forget about the death and not be reminded of the pain it brings. Yet this kind of protection doesn’t help for too long. Of course you mean well, but by not talking about the death, which is foremost on everyone’s minds, you only cause him to feel confused and alone in his grief. It might even make him feel more afraid.

When talking with children, use simple, concrete language. Until they become teenagers, children are quite literal. Try not to use abstract or complex descriptions for death. It’s OK to use the “d” word (death or dying). Explain death in a straightforward manner, without the use of metaphors or analogies such as “passed away,” “taking a long sleep,” “left us,” or “in a better place”. Be open to discussing the death and his thoughts and feelings about it again and again. That’s because getting to a better place is a process, not an event.

Share your feelings A natural part of getting better is seeing that others feel the same way that you do. Let the child see you grieving and mourning. Don’t be afraid of scaring her by letting her see you cry. Remember, crying is really an act of strength, not weakness. Crying together is helpful. It allows you to express your grief in a raw and honest way. By grieving together you send the strong message that she is not alone in her grief.

Be honest and direct Answer questions simply and directly. Adults may think they need to explain everything, but young chil-dren are often satisfied with an honest, short answer. For example, just the first two sentences of this explanation would suffice: “I think it is sad that Grandpa died. What do you think? Yet Grandpa had a long and happy life. Some people are not ready to die because they haven’t done enough, but Grandpa did so much. Did you know he was in World War II? Anyway, he was blessed with so much. Much more than most people, so in a way I think he was ready to die….”

Avoid euphemisms Saying a dead person is “asleep,” for example, will not only mislead a child, it may also cause her to believe that the dead person might “wake up” again. Or if you say, “It was God’s will,” she might feel angry at God for taking her mother, sister, or friend away from her. Or she might believe that God is punishing her. Remember, young children take things literally, so such abstractions are often confusing. Also, keep in mind that children can cope with what they know. They cannot cope with what they don’t know or have been “protected” from knowing.

Give inviting, loving nonverbal cues For children, the language of comfort is often physical—through holding, hugging, snuggling, and affection. Spend time simply sitting next to or holding the child. Your close physical presence is a con-versation in itself.

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 4

Continued from Page 3

When talking about the death or the child’s grief, be aware of your tone and make eye contact. With warmth, sincerity, and a relaxed open face, send the message that whatever she says is OK, allowing her to express her fears and wishes freely. Allow long pauses after questions or gaps in talking for her to fill or not.

Sometimes it’s easier for older children to talk without direct eye contact or while doing something else, such as riding in the car, walking together, cooking, or doing another activity together. Create ample opportunities for these casual, inviting situations.

It’s also important to honor how children best express themselves—and sometimes that’s not through talking. Maybe it’s drawing, writing in a journal, singing loudly, roughhousing, dancing, doing crafts, watching videos, or looking through pictures to remember the person who died. Tune in to the child’s personality and create opportunities for various ways for her to express her grief.

Attend to your own grief If you are a parent or family member, most likely you are also grieving the death of the person who died. When you are overwhelmed by death, it’s hard to think of anything else, including the needs of those around you.

It’s important for you to carve out time and honor your own grief. If you are responsible for the fulltime care of a child, you will have to do the same for her—creating time for her to grieve with you and separately. Giving attention to another’s grief can be challenging when grief has shaken you deep-ly, but try your best to be available to your child, who feels shocked and confused by the death of a family member or a loved one. If, understandably, you just can’t do it right now, find another loving adult who can.

Your child needs full-on love and attention right now—at a time when it might feel the hardest to give. Remember that your grief may look very different than her grief. While you may be overwhelmed with sadness, her feelings may be more muddled and undefined. She may be able to digest just a little of her grief at a time before needing a mental and emotional break, while your grief may be all-consuming.

It’s important to ask for help from friends and family; let them take on some of the responsibility of companioning your child through her grief. The task may even be too large for you and your circle of friends and family to handle. If so, that’s OK. Enlist a professional counselor or seek the help of grief support groups as needed. Mostly, be gentle with yourself and know you are doing the best you can.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., is an author, educator and grief counselor. He serves as director of

the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at

the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. He has

contributed over 25 books on grief and loss, including The Journey Through Grief:

Reflections on Healing, Understanding Your Grief, Healing the Bereaved Child, Healing Your Grieving Heart and Creating Meaningful Funeral Experiences. He enjoys offering

small-group retreat-oriented learning experiences at his Center for Loss. Alan presents

dozens of workshops each year throughout North America. Alan and his wife, Susan, a

family physician, are the proud parents of three children, Megan, Chris and Jaimie. You can contact Alan at wolfelt@centerforloss.com.

From the Executive Director Therese S. Schoeneck Entering our 40th Year! February 2019

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 5

Our goal, in this 40th year, is to expand our support, services and outreach to the bereaved with emphasis on helping grieving youth, and to financially solidify HOPE for decades to come.

Valentine’s Day

Another holiday looms on the horizon. There are ads on TV and in the paper suggesting thoughtful ways to remember your valentine… if only we could. After a loved one dies you may dread the day.

It may help to make plans to honor your loved one in a special way — light a candle and place it with a flower near your loved one’s picture… spend the day or dinner with an understanding friend… donate to a food bank in their memory… volunteer to serve a meal to the homeless… visit a nursing home… find a peaceful place to talk to your loved one, tell them you love them and ask for their help on this special day.

Remember not only what you lost but let your heart be warmed also by what you had.

“Special Thanks to...”

Walt Stein and Patricia Kriesel for working with Clear Path for Veterans & National Council of Negro Women on behalf of our Wrapsody fundraiser. It is a 5 month project of planning, obtaining volunteers, purchasing supplies, scheduling & wrapping.

Bob Kriesel for doing a fantastic job overseeing, setting up, moving supplies & spending many long hours to make our annual Holiday Gift Wrap at Destiny USA a huge success!

Our Thanks to all our outstanding “Wrapsody” volunteers! Their commitment and hard work were essential to our success. HOPE’s share of the net proceeds was over $5,000 plus $3,000 in tips for jobs well done!

Tracy from Homer who stayed at a local hotel on 3 Saturday nights so that she could be available to gift wrap.

Lou & Marge Schriderich who drove several times from Rome, NY to gift wrap.

Harriet Kimball, who was walking in the mall and saw HOPE’s wrap station in need of help and immediately volunteered to assist!

Chris Beattie added her great decorating touch to HOPE’s front entrance

All HOPE’s Volunteers who worked so tirelessly to collate our year end mailing of 6,700 pieces

Bonnie Tucci, Dan Tucci, Walt Stein, Evelyn Diaz and Diane DeCaprio for serving on our “Coping with the Holidays” panel

Loren & Jeanette Peterson for making a donation in memory of their son Ben.

Kim Bermel & Christine Beattie for organizing a Christmas sale that raised over $1,284 to purchase books for the Survivors of Suicide support group attendees.

Thanks to the M & T Charitable

Foundation for a $2,500 grant for our Outreach to

Schools Program.

HOPE’S Wish List!!!

Coffee (Reg. & Decaf)

Postage Stamps

Bottled water by the case

Packaged cookies without nuts

Paper plates

Paper towels

New & like new huggable Teddy Bears

Flash drives

Liquid hand soap

Freezer bags

Storage bags (all sizes)

Computer paper

Napkins

Toilet paper

Trash bags (13-30Gal.)

Tissues (square box if possible)

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 6

Please visit our website to view our video

Celebrating 40 Years of HOPE!

www.hopeforbereaved.com You can access so much information on our

website: upcoming events, support groups, one

on one counseling, purchase HOPE books,

bricks for memorials at the Butterfly Garden of

HOPE, Read- print and share current and past

editions of the HOPELine newsletter … and so

much more!

Please consider choosing a month to

sponsor the lunches for our

volunteers; $50 a month will feed

our numerous volunteers who help

with newsletter, committee meetings and event

planning. You will be thanked in print.

Remember when you shop AMAZON use AMAZON SMILE and choose HOPE for Bereaved - the Amazon Smile Foundation donates back .05% of your purchase price on eligible products to HOPE!

https://smile.amazon.com/

HOPE IS BLESSED!

2018 was a challenging year due to the increased requests for one-on-one counseling and school and workplace workshops. Donations truly make a differ-ence for HOPE and for the bereaved who turn to us. It is heartwarming to hear that “HOPE saved my/our life.”

Outstanding efforts by our Volunteers really make a difference. This was especially evident this past year. We could not accomplish all that we do or help the bereaved without their help and dedication.

Celebration of HOPE Report Funds raised at the Celebration of HOPE 2018 provide almost 1/3 of

HOPE’s annual income. We are extremely grateful to everyone who attended, donated, sponsored, hosted a table or purchased silent/live auction items, placed an ad or memorial in the program or served on the committee. Thank you!

Donate your vehicle, boat, or motorcycle to HOPE.

For more information call HOPE 315-475-9675.

Memorial donations are a great help! Special thanks to all who requested donations

to HOPE in memory of their loved ones. These memorials resulted in over $9,444 in

donations to HOPE.

Please remember HOPE in your will & estate planning.

RE-GIFT TO HOPE

Whenever you receive gifts that you either don’t want, don’t need, or don’t like,

please re-gift those unwanted new & non-perishable items and we will store them as the beginning of our silent auction items for our Celebration of HOPE 2019.

In our thoughts and prayers …. Please keep Christine Beattie, Bob Kriesel, Rita Stein, Beth Putnam,

Kathy Kowalczyk, Barbara Tubbert, Christy Dannible, Christine Hart, Kathy Whiting, Penny Allyn and their families in your prayers for good health.

Widow/Widower Co-facilitator and weekly volunteer Ruth Shirley

has worn a Tweety Bird watch for the past 25 years. When

asked what the meaning of the watch was, she replied “It is to

remind me not to take life so seriously”. What great advice and

a wonderful way to remind yourself. Thanks for the reminder!!

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 7

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 8

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 9

“Attitude of Gratitude”

For Christmas I received a bracelet with this important message to remind me to have an “Attitude of Gratitude”. I also discovered a journal on “Daily Gratitude”. A page with the following quote caught my attention … “it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich”.

The thoughtful piece “A Gift of Grief” illustrates that even though we are grieving we can have an attitude of gratitude for the life of our loved one.

In the acknowledgments article in HOPE’s book I offered by everlasting gratitude to our daughter Mary for enriching my life and continuing to enrich it. After her death I eventually learned to more fully appreciate life and the people in my life; to share my grief as well as my joy. As devastated as I felt I was determined that some-thing good must come out of her tragic death. Mary gave me courage to carry on be-cause life as she lived it, was always full of HOPE and gratitude.

A Gift of Grief

A turning point during my journey through grief work came while falling

into another episode of sadness, when a question came to me.

“Would my life be better off if he was never part of it?”

The immediate response was.

“What a stupid question. Of course not!”

What followed was a wave of gratefulness that came over me.

To this day I will remind myself of that question when needed.

In Thanksgiving for the Life of Olin Stokes (1987-90)

Love Dad, Kristi & Conor

I am Forever Grateful for the

support given to me by HOPE for Bereaved.

Find Joy in Every Day By Kay Oxford

I've had a lot of losses in my life, but 11 days after my husband died, I believe it was a

special sign that led me to a refrigerator magnet that read, "Find Joy in every day" and I

bought it. It changed my life. People tell me you can't, but I know better because I've lived

it the last 12 years. You have to LOOK for joy to find it. The sorrow doesn't need looking

for, it finds you, but the joy needs to be ferreted out. Oh it's not like the joy "before"...doesn't

compare! Recognize and acknowledge the least little thing that is good that comes your

way! For me it might be something as innocuous as a stranger letting me merge in traffic,

or someone holding the door open for me. Seeing deer in my backyard. A rainbow (there

was a triple rainbow amidst a tremendous thunder/lightening storm at the moment my

husband died). A hummingbird (they were special to us). A phone call from a friend or my

sisters. A check in the mail that was just what I needed. The list is endless. It's not about the

thing, it's about ACKNOWLEDGING it. To do so is to begin to live in the present and not

miss what IS for lack of what ISN'T. We can't change what ISN'T anymore, but we can live

what IS now. It's a practice, a way of life, indeed, an art. Living in the present. Being present.

This is the way back to life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Twelve years ago Kay lost her husband, and later her mother and several pets.

She is active on griefhealing.com and currently leads a grief support group in her rural town of Oregon. In her free time she enjoys hiking with her dog and making cards.

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER FEBRUARY 2019 PAGE 10

HOPE For those whose loved one died by Drug Overdose

HOPE for Young @ Heart Widow/widowers with no young children at home

HOPE for Younger Widows, Widowers, Engaged & Significant Others

HOPE for Widow/Widowers Senior Daytime

HOPE for Youth Support Group: For children & teens whose parent, sibling, relative or friend died will meet upon

request. Call 315-475-9675 to make an appointment.

HOPE for Bereaved: For any adult whose loved one, parent, sibling, relative or friend died.

HOPE for Survivors of Suicide: For those whose child, spouse or friend died by suicide.

HOPE for Bereaved Parents: For those whose children of any age died by accident, illness.

HOPE for Parents whose infant died by miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn death.

HOPE for those whose loved one died by Homicide.

HOPE for Bereaved, Oswego & Fulton:

General Support Groups Oswego & Fulton

2nd Tuesday, 7-9:00PM Oswego Hospital, 110 W. 6th Street; in Cafeteria Conference Room

4th Tuesday at St. Luke Health Services 299 E. River Road.

For more information please contact Donna Lupien (315) 342-6326

Death by Drug Overdose Fulton 1st Thursday, 6:30-8:30PM, State St. United Methodist Church this is a non-

religious meeting, for more information call Kelly Wells 315-402-5444

One-to-One Counseling: Call HOPE (315) 475-9675 for an appointment. No charge for counseling but donations

welcome.

Newsletter Work Meeting: 2nd Tuesday of the month at 10:00 AM. Come help with the newsletter mailing and

enjoy lunch.

HOPEL INE NEWSLETTER JANUARY 2019 PAGE 11

February 2019

4500 Onondaga Blvd. Syracuse, NY 13219

Electronic Service Requested

Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage

PAID Syracuse, NY

Permit NO. 713 A journey from grief to HOPE

The need for “HOPE” today and in the future.

A reporter asked “How do you all keep doing this ~ listening to people’s

pain?” We understand their pain because we have lived that pain. We

know that with help they can get to a better place. For all of us “paying it

forward” is important.

It is rewarding to hear the bereaved reflect on how helpful, even

lifesaving, HOPE is.

Periodically we will share stories from those who have been helped by

HOPE. They inspire us to continue to serve and support the bereaved.

HOPE truly makes a positive difference for the bereaved.

It has been 8 years since our oldest son died as a result of suicide. HOPE for

Bereaved has been a part of our lives since then.

I began attending the Suicide Support Group. In the 1st and 2nd year it was so hard.

The group supported me through all my tears and stories of my son.

The 3rd and 4th year, I became more verbally involved in the group. I began

volunteering and through this began to witness all the good work HOPE does.

As the 5th and 6th years passed, I looked forward to the support group and was

hoping to help others.

It has now been 8 years, I consider HOPE my dear friends who have helped me get to

this point of inner peace.

I continue to volunteer for HOPE. HOPE is such a wonderful and caring organization. The many

different support groups and individual sessions at HOPE continue to provide comfort and support to so

many as they journey from grief to HOPE. … Dannalee

Can you imagine a future without HOPE?

February 2019