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EVERYTHING IN THIS ZINE WAS CREATED BY MARIE AN-NETOINETTE, UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED

Issue 1: The Introduction

3 The End of All Things

4 Letter From the Editor

4 Mixtape: Starview Avenue6 But You Cant Stand to See Me That Way

10 The Girl I Am and the Girl You Want Me

to Be, Pt. 1

11 Lets Talk About: ANIMORPHS

14 The Girl I Am and the Girl You Want Me

to Be, Pt. 2

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The End of All ThingsI'm having one of those experiences; you know the ones: you're looking at a pic-ture of yourself in the past and thinking "I was small , I was cute, If I couldhave seen myself then with the eyes I have now."

But I couldn't then and I can't now. Hammered into my mind are the same epithets

from 5th grade that refuse to be worn away by time: Hurricane. Tornado. Gorilla-Godzilla. It's difficult to erase words associated with natural destruction. Fora long time I refused to acknowledge them at all; but while I was pretendingthat I hadn't been called a disaster of epic proportions just because my bodytook up more room. But an idea is an unkillable virus and as I grew (older andfatter) the sickness took hold.

It was hard to feel my heart breaking on the rocks of an 11-year-old's words,and more difficult to understand that the only reason his words were so effec-tive was because I believe them and continued to believe them.

The picture in this

poetic collage is myself and it's not my most flattering

or my best pose.It's not artful be-cause I didn't feelartistic. This isjust my body...

parts of it anyway.But parts that areunavoidably fat andtrouble to the restof me. For a longtime I've avoidedlooking at themwhile bemoaning thefact that I have no

pictures of myself. No more avoidance.

If I'm going to be adisaster I'm goingto be a magical one,answering unspokenquestions, and hid-ing the answers eve-ryone already thinksthey know. I willonly allow myself to

be touched by the pure-of-heart, by

those who mean me noharm.

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Thank you for readingcaro! Caro is a perzinein the truest sense ofthe term; its a publicjournal; a place for thegermination of my art,academic writing, and

poetry; a conversationstarter; andif you knowhow to read it rightafolded and faded map to

my innermost being. Iveincluded original writ-ing, collage art, andthe ubiquitous mixtapes.(see right ->)

Im reminded of a quotefrom Book about Zines here, Sometimes onlythe page will listen Asa young poor SouthernBlack girl, it was true;sometimes I only had the

pages of my journal toexpress everything Ifelt and feared. Butwhile I enjoyed writing, the anonymity the quiet thecloistered and private nature of journaling never sat-

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isfied my exhibitionist itch. Ive been publishingnewsletters, zines, and chapbooks for family and closefriends since I was nine and Ive been working on this

project for about four years.

While there may be con-tributions from otherfriends of mine wholove to share, most ofthe art and writing yousee here will be mine.Ill be discussing my

personal perspective oneverything from family,culture, race, class,art, religion, enter-tainment, fashion, gen-der and sexuality, his-tory, philosophy Hon-estly anything thatcomes to mind that Idlike to share. I hopeyou enjoy the experi-ence and dont beafraid to email me inresponse to anythingyou see here! My con-tact info is on the

back cover and Id love

to reason together. :)

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I know t hat t he mani c- pi xi e- dr eam- gi r l t r ope i sn' t seen asver y f emi ni st but you have t o under st and t hat - t o r ef er enceKer r y Washi ngt on- i t ' s not of t en t hat we as Bl ack women get

t o be seen as beaut i f ul , del i cat e, eccent r i c, ot her wor l dl y,and f ey, even when we have t hose t r ai t s! So i t ' s a st ep upf or me t o even be consi der ed a MPDG, you know?

Ther e s t hi s. . . f emi ni ne per sona t hat i s wi del y appr eci at edand I see t hat i t s a par t me a par t of who I am. I i dent i -f y wi t h t hat nar r at i ve. But I al so r eal i ze t hat f ew ot her ssee t hi s per sona i n me, t he way I do. I caught and st i l lsomet i mes cat ch mysel f t r yi ng t o massage away t he aspect s

of mysel f t hat st opped ot her s f r om seei ng t he mani c pi xi edr eam gi r l i n me ( my f at ness , my bl ackness ) . I r ememberwal ki ng i n t hi s par k i n my t own af t er I ' d got t en of f wor kand i t was t he per f ect pl ace t o do a phot o shoot . I wasseei ng mysel f i n di f f er ent dr esses and poses and honest l y?I t was a l ot of s t uf f t hat , I f el t ( f eel ) woul d never hap-pen, and even i f i t di d i t woul dn' t l ook t he way I pl annedand woul d basi cal l y be an ut t er f ai l ur e and I woul d be api t i abl e l aughi ng st ock. Not because t he vi sual concept s

wer e shi t t y, but because I was t oo f at , t oo bl ack, and t oobr oke t o ever pul l i t of f . And i t j ust dr opped i nt o my mi ndt hat I never got t he chance t o be t he gi r l I want ed t o be.

I ve been usi ng t he phr ase t he gi r l I am and t he gi r l youwant me t o be" over and over f or t he l ast f ew year s, and If i nal l y under st ood what I mysel f meant by t hat . Bet ween t hegi r l I am and t he gi r l you- - whoever you i s; my mot her , my

f ami l y, soci et y at l ar ge- - want me t o be, I never got t o bet he gi r l I want ed t o be and. . . That was a har d r evel at i on,you know? I ' m 25, I never got t o be t he gi r l I want ed t obe, and now t hat chance i s compl et el y gone. I t hur t . I man-aged not t o cr y but onl y j ust . That r evel at i on f el t l i ke ani mpor t ant par t of my had di ed. Af t er a whi l e of t r yi ng t okeep my composur e, I j ust t hought , " Wel l , what about t hewoman you want t o be?" And I had t o r esi gn mysel f , youknow, and about f ace. That poi nt i n my l i f e i s gone and i t

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hur t s t hat I f el t ( somet i mes , s t i l l f eel ) so unf ul f i l l ed.But , I can st i l l be t he woman I have i n mi nd, t he woman Ir eal l y am.

I t ' s t r ue t hat t hi s movi e char act er t r ope i s r i ddl ed wi t hsexi st mal e- gaze t r i pe, but i t ' s f unny. I mean t hi s dr eam

gi r l , basi cal l y a moder n muse embodyi ng ever y st er eot ypeabout women' s ment al i nst abi l i t y, f i ckl e nat ur e, et c.wr apped up i n one uber t wee package. What shoul d be appeal -i ng about t hat ?

I t hi nk t hat my f avor i t e onl i ne di scussi on about t hi s t r opei s act ual l y f r om t wo year s ago on Raci al i ci ous and by TamiWi nf r ey Har r i s* and t he comment s ar e most l y wel l t hought -out and i nsi ght f ul t hough t hey come f r om sever al di f f er ent

di r ect i ons and per spect i ves.

On one hand t he t r ope i s par t i cul ar l y pr obl emat i c, i n t hati t pr omot es a t wo- di mensi onal char act er t hat i s r eal l y onl ycr eat ed f or t he pur pose of hel pi ng a mal e char act er dealwi t h hi s pr obl ems and t o bet t er under st and hi msel f or t hewor l d, and t hat i t i s al so a par t of t hi s movement back t ohar ml ess unaggr essi ve t r adi t i onal womanhood and pr omot es

t he i dea of whi t e f emal e i nf ant i l i zat i on. However , what I ' ve seen i n mor e r ecent year smost not abl yon soci al medi a out l et s, such as t umbl r ar e at t empt s t osubver t or i nver t t he i dea of t he car ef r ee, di y, sof t -gr unge, past el got h, mani c pi xi e, hi pst er muse, and maket hat ador abl e chi l dl i ke gi r l t he mai n char act er of t he herown st or y. The f ocus i s shi f t ed t o her i deas, her f eel i ngs,and her pr obl ems as a f ul l y- f l eshed out char act er , wi t h t he

i nt ent of t aki ng back al l expr essi ons of f emi ni ni t y andwomanhood.

That i s not t o say t hat t her e ar en t st i l l a myr i ad i ssues;much of t he i nver si on/ subver si on i s j ust as al i enat i ng ast he or i gi nal t r ope, because even t hough t he mal e- gaze i sbei ng r emoved, t he r ace, body, and cl ass aspect s of t hi st r ope ar e never addr essed: whi ch, l et ' s be honest , i s notunusual f or mai nst r eam ( r ead: whi t e) f emi ni sm. Bl ack women

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ar e al most never acknowl edged t o be t hese women. And poor( f at ) bl ack woman doi ng any of t hese ador abl e t wee hi pst ert hi ngs ar e pr et t y much never seen as ador abl e or t wee orhi pst er s by t he gener al medi a- consumi ng publ i c. On somel evel , t hi s seems l i ke a compl i ment ; at l east we ar en' t be-i ng r educed t o super - f emi ni ne st er eot ypes and bei ng i nf an-

t i l i zed, r i ght ? And I woul d agr ee unt i l I r eal i zed whatt hi s means i s t hat as a Bl ack woman, I was not seen as ca-pabl e of bei ng f emi ni ne and pr et t y and dr eamy or , or , or . . .i mpossi bl y t wee. A bl ack gi r l dyes her hai r unnat ur al i r i -descent col or s and she ends up on t he Rat chet Mess t umbr . Awhi t e gi r l does t he same and she ends up on t r endi ng t hesame medi a pl at f or m and pi nned t o Pi nt er est boar ds wor l d-wi de. And not onl y t hat , but Bl ack f emal e chi l dr en wer en tal l owed t o be chi l dr en, even i n t hi s cont ext . They ar e l a-

bel ed as hyper sexual even bef or e puber t y, wher e whi t e womancan and do embody t he i dea of sacr ed chi l dl i ke- ( non) sexu-al i t y aka vi r gi ni t y. And whi l e bot h of t hese ar e oppr es-s i ve. . . I ' m not gonna l i e, t he gr ass l ooks gr eener .

Thi s i s a pr obl em i n t he Bl ack communi t y, as wel l , t hought he cl ass, col or , and body r es t r i ct i ons ar e s l i ght l y di f -f er ent t han i n t he whi t e communi t y. However , t her e i s st i l lso much absor pt i on of t he whi t e beaut y i deal and t he whi t e

f emi ni ne i deal , even among Bl ack women. I t ' s been r emi xedand r ef i t t o r ef l ect t he mor e of t he Af r i can Amer i can aes-t het i c, but i t i s not r emoved. . . I r emember goi ng t o asl eepover and appar ent l y pl ent y of t he gi r l had gas, we hadal l had bar becue f ood ear l i er so yeah beans, you' ve al lbeen t her e. So t he gi r l s , t he ot her gi r l s , t he t hi nner ,l i ght er - ski nned, l ooser - cur l ed, soci al l y- accept ed- as-ador abl e gi r l s, f ar t and l augh at each ot her and t hi nk i t ' sso f unny. They have none of t he f ear t hat I have, t hat i f I

j oi ned i n, peopl e ( t hey) woul d l ook at me wi t h r epr oach anddi sgust . And t hey never wonder why i t i s t hey ar e al l owedt o t al k about t hei r bodi es and t hei r bodi l y f unct i ons and Iam not . Not wi t hout l osi ng al l desi r abi l i t y and any cr edi -bi l i t y as a l ady. They bur p t he al phabet i n f r ont oft hei r boyf r i ends and ever yone t hi nk "Oh she' s so down t oear t h and appr oachabl e, a cut e gi r l who s not st uck up atal l ! " I acci dent al l y bur p as qui et l y as possi bl e wi t h my

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mout h cl osed and my hand cover i ng my mout h and pol i t el y sayexcuse af t er war d and. . . Peopl e s f aces change, t hey sneer ,t hey' r e di st ant , t hey don t l ook me i n t he eye and I can thel p but t hi nk t hey r e wonder i ng why I was even al l owed t obe at t hi s par t y or i n t hi s gr oup. They expr ess t he f actt hat t hey ar e hor ny and t he r eact i on i s Wow, a cut e gi r l

who i s open and accept i ng of her sel f as a sexual bei ng;t hat s so awesome! I expr ess t he same sent i ment andevent hough I m t he one wi t h t he l east sexual exper i ence t hel ooks of di sgust r et ur n. Anyt hi ng t hat st r ayed f r om t he hy-per - f emi ni ne behavi or expect ed of me sent me f r om bei ng t hes l i ght l y i nvi s i bl e, suppor t i ve f r i end t o t he scar y f atbl ack sex monst er ; a succubus ugl y, ut t er l y undesi r abl e,and f r i ght eni ngl y i nsat i abl e. But on t he ot her hand, t her est of t he wor l d i s t el l i ng me t hat I had bet t er not

st r i ve t oo har d f or t hat whi ch i s i mpossi bl e, t o be seen asf emi ni ne and womanl y and at t r act i ve or I woul d become t hebut t of t he j oke, onl y wor t h not i ci ng t o not e her f ai l ur eat bei ng woman. I hol d no bi t t er ness ( I try to hold no bit-terness) but these are my personal experiences, and manyother black girls and women can corroborate them with simi-lar experience.

What t he MPDG cr i t i cs seem not t o under st and i s t hat i t i s

j ust as r adi cal f or a poor woman and/ or f at woman and/ orwoman of col or t o decl ar e her sel f a gi r l , as al ways havi ngbeen a gi r l , as deser vi ng of gi r l hood and t he pr ot ect i onsand val ue t hat come al ong wi t h t hat , as anyone el se. Theydon t under st and t hat i t s r adi cal f or a woman t o say t hatt he t hi ngs she does because she i s poor ( kni t t i ng, gar den-i ng, sewi ng, bi ki ng, dr i nk cheap beer , what ever ) have j ustas much, I F NOT MORE, val ue when she does t hem t han whensomeone does so because i t ' s t r endy and i n. That t he em-

br aci ng of t he mani c pi xi e dr eam gi r l r ol e/ aest het i c i s nott o r ei nf or ce oppr ess i ve gender r ol es but t o be human.

Yes. I t ' s t r ue. Somet i mes, I can be i mposs i bl y ador abl e.And *sor r y, not sor r y* ever yone shoul d r ecogni ze i t .

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A f ew weeks ago I l ogged ont o t umbl r ( whoam I ki ddi ng, I j ust t yped t i nt o my addr essbar , I don t l og out and Chr ome al r eady knowst o t ake me di r ect l y t o my dashboar d) . Iscr ol l ed past t he st yl i ng of my peer s, r ant sabout when a post f r om f yani mor phs . t umbl r . comcaught my at t ent i on: Ani mor phs had been addedt o Net f l i x.

Ani mor phs was or i gi nal l y a book ser i eswr i t t en by K. A. Appl egat e and ghost wr i t t en bysever al ot her s f or t he Schol ast i c Readi ng

Cl ub. The novel ser i es was about f our t eenager s and an al i enf r om t he Andal i t e homewor l d f i ght i ng an i nvasi on of ot her sl ug- l i ke al i ens cal l ed Yeer ks, who i nvaded humans br ai ns wi t h t he

pl an t o t ake over t he pl anet . The t eens ( J ake, Mar co, Rachel ,Cassi e, and Tobi as) encount er t he cr ashed shi p of t he Andal i t epr i nce, El f angor . El f angor gi ves t he t eens t he abi l i t y acqui r et he dna o an l i vi ng bei ng and mor ph i nt o i t bef or e he i s cap-t ur ed and eat en by Vi sser 3, t he onl y Yeer k t o t ake over anAndal i t e body and t her ef or e t he onl y Yeer k wi t h mor phi ng cap-bi l i t es l i ke t he Andal i t es. The young adol escent Andal i t e Ax-i mi l i Esgar r out h I s t hi l l f ol l owed hi s br ot her El f angor t oEar t h. Ax i s f ound by t he t eens and j oi ns t he t hem i n t hei ref f or t s at guer i l l a war f ar e agai nst t he Yeer k i nvasi on.

I r egul ar l y gat her ed my penni es, ni ckel ,di mes, and quar t er s t o buy t he Ani mor phsbooks and checked out t he ones I coul dn tbuy f r om t he school l i br ar y. For a good por -t i on of t he st udent s i n my f our t h and f i f t hgr ade cl ass, Ani mor phs and any memor abi l i aassoci at ed wi t h i t was hot shi t . Remi ni sci ng

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over Ani mor phs br i ngs back not onl y memo-r i es of t he books t hemsel ves but of f ur i -ous cl assr oom t r adi ng t o make sur e ever y-one who was i nt er est ed go a chance t o r eadt he l at es t novel .

I ve been t r yi ng t o buy t he f ul l setof novel s and spi nof f s f or awhi l e but t hemoney j ust hasn' t been t her e and bei ngabl e t o wat ch t he ser i es Ni ckel odeon pr o-duced was t he next best t hi ng. I sat oneweekend f or my usual bi nge wat ch and wast hr own back i n t i me. I r emember t he pr of ound mi xed f eel i ng ofexci t ement and di sappoi nt ment : exci t ement at t he pr ospect of al ong- l oved f avor i t e of mi ne was bei ng r eal i zed as a t el evi si onshowone of t he f i r st i n what i s now a wel l - est abl i shed t r end

of t ur ni ng YA novel s i nt o movi es and TV showsand di sappoi nt -ment at t he cast i ng, t he wr i t i ng, t he obvi ousl y l i mi t ed budget ,and t he over al l execut i on of t he ser i es. I knew i t wasn t goi ngt o l as t f or t hat r eason al one, and i t di dn t .

Al so we wer e j ust ent er i ng t he wor l d of cr eat i ng act ual l ycompel l i ng ser i es f or t eens i nvol vi ng r eal mor al di l emmas, r ealbl ood, and r eal char act er devel opment . Ani mor phs was gr ound-br eaki ng as a Schol ast i c ser i es and i s known by i t s f ans f orone of t he f ew i f not t he onl y chi l dr en s ser i es deal i ng wi t ht he r eal i t i es of bei ng at war . I t s appar ent t hat t he TV showat t empt ed t o capt ur e t he essence of t he ser i es, but t he l i mi t a-t i ons of a Ni ckel odeon budget at t hat t i me wor ked agai nst whatcoul d have been a mi nd- al t er i ng sci - f i pr emi er f or ki ds was i n-st ead a par ade of whi t ewashi ng, r aci al st er eot ypes, badl y con-st r uct ed cost umes and bad ani mat i on. Cassi e i s much l i ght ert han t he medi um dar k br own depi ct ed i n t he books, al l t he char -act er s ar e a ol der ( not unusual nowadays wi t h act or s i n t hei rmi d- t went i es pl ayi ng f i f t een year ol ds; f or t unat el y i t s nott hat bad) , and Mar co uses an amount of what t he pr oducer s musthave t hought was appr opr i at e st r eet sl ang I don t r emember f r omt he char act er i n t he books. Hi s sense of humor al so i sn t qui t et he same and Mar co' s humor i s one of t he *hi ghl i ght s* of t henovel ser i es .

However even wi t h al l t hose dr awbacks t he ser i es st i l l hadt he power t o pul l me i n. By t he t hi r d epi sode t he act or s f i ndt hei r st r i de and whi l e t her e ar e some changes i n how Yeer k bi -

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ol ogy i s expl ai ned, f or t he most par t t he TV ser i es i s f ai t hf ult o t he novel s. I hope t hat t he r enewed i nt er est i n 1990s nos-t al gi a wi l l pr ompt a t el evi si on or movi e ser i es r emake t hatwi l l del i ver on t he ef f or t s of t he Ni ckel odeon ser i es and do

j ust i ce t o bel oved wor k of K. A. Appl egat e.

Two) Animorphs Fansites1. ht t p: / / ci nnamonbunzuh. bl ogspot . com

Ci nnamon Bunzuh of f er s compr ehensi ve and absol ut el y hi l ar i ousr evi ews of ever y Ani mor phs book, i ncl ui ng t he Megamor phs se-r i es, t he Chr oni cl es ser i es, and t he Al t er namor phs ser i eswi t h or i gi nal gr aphi cs. The bl og ( r un by I f i and Adam) i s agr eat way t o cat ch up on any of t he books you ve mi ss ed! Dont be af r ai d t o dr op by and l eave a comment or t wo : ) .

2. ht t p: / / f yani mor phs. t umbl r . comFuck Yeah Ani mor phs i s a t umbl r t hat host s f anar t , pi ct ur esof Ani mor phs f ans col l ect i ons, and pul l s some of t he mostpi t hy or poi gnant quot es f r om t he book.

3. Honest l y, t her e ar e many many mor e t han t hi s but you can f i ndt hem your sel f ! Enj oy!

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CREATOR/EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

ABOUT CaroSometimes you just need an outlet for allthe questions; caro is an invitation forbrain dump and discussion, to marvel and toreason together.

MARIE ANNETOINETTE marieannetoinette@gmail.com