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Adapted from “Caring for Your Aging Parents”by Dr. Nechama Liss-Levinson and used withpermission from Jewish Lights Publishing.

we can receive. There is the possibility that, in thistime, we will have positive interactions with ourparents that we never had before. There areopportunities here for communication and intimacythat may never occur again. Also, as we take careof our aging parents, we serve as a role model forothers—perhaps even for our own children—demonstrating the kind of behavior we wish toinspire in them.

Speaking about End of LifeIssuesDiscussions about end-of-life issues can seemmorbid or uncomfortable but they can also create agreat sense of relief for us and our parents.Knowing our parents’ expressed wishes can avoidgreat heartache and legal problems in the future.For our parents, it is comforting to be involved inthe planning and to know their wishes have beenheard.

Nonetheless, broaching this subject is difficult foreveryone involved. It is helpful to hold thesediscussions when there is no present emergency.If we have trouble getting the conversationstarted, ask a family member or member of theclergy to assist.

Some questions we might consider discussing are:• Are there important things you would like to

be sure you say to certain people at this time?

• Is there anyone you would particularly like to see or speak to on the telephone?

• Is there a message for a child, grandchild or friend that you want to write down?

• Are there particular items you would like to give specific individuals (now or after your death)?

• Are there any charities that you feel strongly about supporting?

• Have you written a will, and if so, where is it kept?

• What interventions would you want doctors to make in the event of brain damage, a prolonged coma, or a persistent vegetative state?

• Where would you like to be buried?• What kind of funeral service would you like? •• What’s most important to you in how you are

remembered?

Along with getting the details of how they wanttheir affairs handled, this is also a good time for usto express our love and gratitude to our parents fora lifetime of effort.

Remember to Take Care of theCaretaker It is both time consuming and difficult to be theadult child of aging parents. Sometimes thishappens while we are still caring for our ownchildren, putting us into a dual caring role that hasbeen called “the sandwich generation.”

We need to find a delicate balance between caringfor ourselves and caring for others. It is importantfor us to get sufficient sleep, exercise, eathealthfully, and have fun. We may find it useful togently set limits as to what we cannot or do notwish to do. Try to add some laughter in our days.

It can also be helpful to spend time in meditationand prayer. We may also find comfort and supportin others, such as siblings, spouse, friends or clergy.Join a support group for caretakers or one relatedto a particular illness or disease. Caring for anaging parent is both a challenge and anopportunity. We can meet this challenge bygathering together your inner strength, faith,family, and friends.

Caring for Aging Parents

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Honor Your Father and Mother Everyone with aging parents has a story to tell.They often confide that, “I have become the parentand my parent has become my child.” Although it istrue that aging entails many losses, the essentialrole of parent and child do not reverse. Caretakingfunctions and responsibilities often changedramatically, but the mutual respect due to theroles of parent and child remain in force. That is,parents remain the parents, and children remainthe children.

Perhaps the Jewish teaching “Honor your fatherand mother” (Exodus 20:12) refers to adult childrencaring for their aging parents during thischallenging transition, as we negotiate and agonizeover life-changing decisions.

Although We Age, We RemainWho We AreAlthough relationships with our parents canimprove over time, it is not uncommon to continuerelating to each other using the same familydynamics we experienced while growing up. Wewould like the parent–child relationship to take on anew and better framework as we grow older, butwhen we are actually together, we often feel pulledback into familiar, frustrating interactions.

In order to break this cycle and appreciate therelationship for what it is today, we must give upthe image of the parents we wished we had. To aidthis healing, some people find it helpful to visualizetheir anger or negative feelings as

a package attached to a balloon. When we releasethe package, the balloon carries the anger away.

The next step in establishing new family dynamicsis to find fresh ways of communicating whentogether. We might try talking to our parents abouttheir past, about their lives before we were born.Through thoughtful conversation, we may work atresolving some of the issues that have been on ourminds regarding our relationship with them. Wemay find out things we didn’t know before orconfirm views we already had.

Just being together without extensive talking canalso be rewarding. Engaging in activities that arepleasant or entraining for both parent and adultchild will help focus attention in the present as wellas give us and our parents new memories toreminisce about later. Activities might be as simpleas attending a grandchild’s school event, visiting apark or local zoo, browsing a bookstore, or going tothe movies.

Respecting Safety andIndependenceIt is hard to balance our own needs with those ofour aging parents. We may feel like we are walkingon a tightrope as we consider our parents’ sense oftheir best interests, our own judgment of what isbest for them, and our own self-interest. Olderpeople want to live their lives to the fullest for aslong as they are able, but are often willing to makelife easier for their adult children, so long as it isnot at the cost of their own independence.

It is important to differentiate between serioushealth risks our parents face and honestdifferences of opinion. Certain issues such as safedriving may be resolved more calmly by including aneutral third party, such as their physician. Andissues of lost independence may be addressed byworking with them to protect personal boundaries,such as privacy concerns and seeing friends. Forexample, we might say, “I know you’re worriedabout seeing your friends,

and I’ll be able to drive you once a week to yourbridge game.” Compromise and mutual respectare helpful in easing concerns for both parties.

Working with SiblingsWhen parents have more than one child, it is theirdream that siblings will be close and loving. Theyimagine their children will help each other in timesof need. And sometimes things work out that way.But the reality that each sibling will shoulder theexact equal amount of work isn’t common. Thereare many reasons that care-giving responsibilitiesdo not divide equally, including commutingdistance, life style choices, special needs in aparticular family, stereotypic view on gender,differing financial responsibilities, and personalitydynamics from the past. As we learn in so manycases, life isn’t always fair.

It is particularly important at this time to keep theline of communication open, acknowledging thatthe job of caring for our parents is important to allof us. The last thing our parents want is thedissolution of their children’s relationship in adispute over their care.

There are ways that we can ease tension betweensiblings over the dispersions of responsibilities. Ifwe are the sibling who can’t be present,acknowledge our limitations to our familymembers. Offer to help in other ways, perhaps bydoing onerous paperwork or offering more financialassistance. Set blocks of time when we can bepresent so that your siblings can take a break.

If we are the sibling who is shouldering the greaterburden, consider the tangible benefits

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