ATTENTION ALL IGNATIUS STUDENTS: Welcome to your first ever official student magazine. It doesn’t make any sense: we’re a perfectly capable student body whose collective members are in possession of a wealth of talents and passions outside of academia. There is no shortage of awesome things that happen at or around Ignatius, courtesy of you, the appropriately awesome students.

Why, then, can’t we produce a passable student publication once a month in between lunchtimes in the under croft, mandatory All My Own Work modules and trying to figure out who this Peppi Carpinelli chap is? Isn’t the complete lack of opportunities for student expression and dialogue immensely frustrating? Was anyone ever actually so moved as to purchase and consume the slightly iffy-looking Thousand Island-flavoured tuna that formerly resided pitifully at the bottom of the back vending machine?

Yes, we here at Cannonball are asking the big questions, and we’ve concluded that the answers are, respectively:

a) There is no reason b) It is indeed very bothersome c) No idea, but their brave gastronomic exploits are to be

congratulated.

The point, in any case, is that in every conceivable way, this magazine – whatever it is and whatever it could become – is yours. What Cannonball offers is a means of expression, a unifying common ground, and, hopefully, food for thought, all the while never taking itself too seriously. It’s certainly ambitious, but, with your support, entirely possible.

Yen Pham

on behalf of the Cannonball crew

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CANNONBALL Jury’sdiction

Rules for Using Facebook

Rewriting the Student Chapter

“A Living Hell”

The Approval Matrix

In defence of iSnack 2.0

(500) Days of Summer: An Acute Case of Hipster Syndrome

The Befriending of Martha and Mr. Milne

Pictured artwork: Tom Steele Cover design: Sam Wiechula

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in Cannonball are those of the authors

alone and are not necessarily representative of those of the

publication or Saint Ignatius’ College as a

whole.

Mr Coffey and Father Davoren for their support and encouragement, the Barr Smith Library

for being a tolerable semi-regular meeting spot (with beanbags!) for a bunch of

would-be journos and Microsoft Word for being infinitely less finicky than Adobe

InDesign – how you’ve warmed this cold, cold, technologically inept heart

of mine.

THANKS TO:

Contributors

Lawrence Ben

Liam Carmody

Alberto Di Troia

Frances Mehrtens

Alice Ormandy

Yen Pham

Will Shaw

Matthew Traeger

Sam Wiechula

jury’sdiction by William Shaw

With his personal warmth and charm it is not so surprising that the man named Alexander Jury has so readily acquired and accepted the much revered status of “College cult icon”; his charisma culminated this year in a nomination at the Senior Formal for “Oddest Behaviour”. In Jury’sdiction, Alex – known, amongst other things, for his tendency to dress in army clothing – brings us his finest witticisms, insults, oddities and poignant reflections (i.e. a compilation of his Facebook statuses).

Alexander Jury there is a good chance there is a giraffee standing right behind you right now...but if you look it will disappear

Alexander Jury looked in the mirror and fell in love

Alexander Jury some things put me above mere mortals, such as the ability to float pointlessly off the ground

Alexander Jury DOES ANYONE HAVE A SPANNER? IF SO IT NEEDS TO BE THIS BIG

Alexander Jury Heres a question for all you people: If i had 5 apples and I ate 3 oranges, then my hips sprouted wings and flew me off to candycane mountain where i was assaulted by a man wearing glasses and a hat with three dogs, all of the same size...how many Pepsis would I have? None, because their deplorable.

Alexander Jury believes vegans have their own secret cult

Alexander Jury would like to remind people that society isn’t like a windmill, you cant just do whatever you want

Alexander Jury could really go for a pair of slippers right now

Alexander Jury The ROFLcopter is taking off now, and all you mere mortals shall be left behind

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RULES FOR USING FACEBOOK by Frances Mehrtens

1) If you post a comment on someone’s wall, and then they reply within five minutes, and you reply within the next five minutes, CLEARLY you are both online. Go on chat.

2) Do not post every single, inane detail of your life as a status. Truly. No matter who you are trying to impress, they will not be impressed by your status. Furthermore, posting your every need, love and hate will do absolutely nothing. That’s great that you love getting paid. I’m so impressed that last night was a big night and that you are now struggling. Get off the computer and go have a nap.

3) When you post a status via Facebook mobile, it is quite evident that you do not

have access to a computer. You are either out of the house, or you are in bed, or on the couch, or outside etc. In any case, you are not at a computer, thus the only conclusion can be drawn that you have taken time out of the activity you are doing, such as shopping, or watching a movie, to go to the trouble to log in to Facebook on your phone and post “watching Masterchef”. So are 3 million other people, mate.

4) Don’t become a fan of something just because it popped up in your suggestions

and you are vaguely interested in it. There is no point in becoming a fan of “Scribbling the pen until it works”. You are never going to form a meaningful bond with somebody over that.

5) Choose the photos you upload carefully. 25 photos of you and your best friend

posing before you go out on Saturday night are bound to essentially look exactly the same, and generally reflect poorly on you. Choose one or two nice ones, have some modesty, and leave it at that.

CLIMBING

Randall Munroe (2009), http://xkcd.com/

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rewriting the student chapter

by Yen Pham

There are several great mysteries that enshroud Ignatius. Some, such as whether or not a certain teacher truly is Batman, must be preserved for the sake of the greater good (in this case, the aforementioned teacher’s ability to moonlight as a cape-wearing, crime-fighting crusader in between marking Physics papers). Others, such as the functioning of the Student Chapter, and especially in light of the Student Chapter’s original object as a representative body, clearly should not.

What is discussed at meetings? What is decided? How often, and with what success, are these decisions implemented? The average student – unless actually having been elected at some point – is in a pretty pitiable state to answer these questions. This lack of transparency is due not to any deliberate attempt at secrecy, but to apathy. Student government offers innumerate opportunities; the change you can affect is proportional only to your desire to see it. Cumbersome as it seems, not being on the Student Chapter itself hardly exempts you from involvement or responsibility.

Not unlike a useful Learning Point, most of us can barely fathom a Student Chapter that actually achieves things – leading to the mistaken but forgivable assumption that it is largely impossible. Whether or not you treat it as such, your vote carries not insignificant gravity of a magnitude that only increases over time. It might only be the Student Chapter now, but organisations of comparable purpose at a tertiary level usually wield considerable power and funds. Moreover, with the pinnacle of all elections (that is, those of a federal persuasion) taking place within the next two years and niftily coinciding with the legalisation en masse of many current seniors, it is never too early to start regarding elections with seriousness they require. And so, here it is: three simple things you can do to make the Student Chapter more efficient. I don’t pretend that by doing so all its problems will be magically resolved, but without your conscientious participation none of them will ever be.

1. Vote responsibly.

Let’s be frank: Student Chapter is primarily a popularity contest. Sure, there are other considerations that temper the influence of candidate’s social status, but these are usually minor in influence. This is not a personal attack on those who have the poor form to be universally liked or a mandate to pity-vote for the most awkward candidate – it’s true that the qualities that make an individual socially successful can

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often overlap with the qualities of a good leader. This is not, however, an assumption one can automatically make, and it’s important that you can justify your vote, as you would hope you could all your actions.

2. Don’t forget it exists.

By assuming that the Student Chapter could never effect change and therefore opting to passively complain to friends about the issues that irk us, we serve only to perpetuate the Student Chapter’s uselessness. It goes without saying that if we fail to communicate with the reps who are meant to then communicate with the school in our names, we can’t possibly expect them to read our minds in a manner reminiscent of everyone’s favourite sparkly vampire, relay these thoughts to the school and then take decisive action to remedy our silently seething dissatisfaction with the status quo.

1. Take a cue from Alcoholics Anonymous.

For starters, don’t develop a substance abuse problem. However, I refer instead to its trademark prayer, whereby participants aspire to gain “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Learn to distinguish when an issue is an inevitable reality you’ll have to accept (hint: strict uniform policies, the change rooms’ unpleasant olfactory properties) and when you are free to mould reality to your will – coincidentally an important lesson applicable beyond the scope of student government. This is not at all an attempt to discourage ambition; it is merely that there is a fine line between ambition and triviality that one must be mindful of.

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a living hell: the magill training centre by Lawrence Ben

The issue of juvenile justice in South Australia has both inflamed and waned in the public consciousness the past months. In late August, Australia’s youth representative to the United Nations, Chris Varney, visited the Magill Training Centre and labelled it a “living children’s rights abuse hell.” Mr Varney’s inspection and subsequent comments ignited immense political pressure that forced the Rann Government into a vulnerable position. The Magill Training Centre has not been upgraded since 1967. The recent findings of Mr Varney, have created strong public support for replacing the rundown facility. During his inspections of Magill, Mr Varney heard of stories whereby inmates, aged 10 to 11, were forced to share a prison cell with a 35 year old man. This 35 year old man was a convicted sex offender who had previously taken advantage of youths. Horrific stories such as this would automatically force any socially-just Government to immediately take strong and direct action. However, the State’s Treasurer and Deputy Premier, Kevin Foley, dismissed Mr Varney as “a do-gooder from the United

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Nations”, adding that “Magill is not a holiday home for wayward children…maybe that will send the message to the youth of the State, that they’re better off staying out of trouble and having to endure what currently is the Magill Centre.” After making these comments in August, the Government was confronted with immense public and media opposition. It was announced in September that the Centre will be bulldozed with a new $67 million facility to be built at Cavan by 2011. The fundamental problem with the Magill Training Centre is how the Government has taken action (or failed to do so) on the issue. The fact that the facility exists in its current state is a disgrace and should remain a source of great embarrassment for members of the Rann Government. Facilities like the one at Magill are not intended to be appealing places; however, they must meet the necessary standards. These facilities are meant to be places of rehabilitation as much as they are centres for punishment. It has been proven that the Magill Training Centre does not prevent offenders from re-offending in the future. If you intend to successfully rehabilitate the State’s young offenders by making them “endure what currently is the Magill centre” then you are creating more problems than are being solved and ultimately shooting yourself in the leg. The Government’s lack of action can be attributed to the fact that improving facilities for convicted offenders does not win you votes at an election. Mr Foley’s admission that he was somehow satisfied with the condition of the Magill Centre is appalling and should leave him ashamed. The State’s youth are treated differently from adults in our legal and correctional systems because their circumstances require a different approach. Therefore, when Mr Varney declared that the Magill Centre was in worse condition than many of Australia’s adult prisons, public opposition began to grow. Once confronted with this public backlash and the prospect of losing precious votes at an upcoming election, it is not surprising that the Government changed its mind. The fact that the Government has decided to replace the Magill Training Centre is a testament to the power and influence of public scrutiny. The public’s response to the Magill Training Centre should enlighten our politicians to the fact that the community regards the proper treatment and safety of our young offenders as a significant issue.

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*Concept shamelessly pilfered (well, somewhat shamefully)

The Approval Matrix

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Our deliberately oversimplified guide to who falls

where on our taste hierarchies*.

from New York magazine; check out the original at http://nymag.com/. 10

in defence of iSnack 2.0 by Alberto Di Troia

It was the greatest revolt in Australian consumer history. An army of angry bloggers, Tweeters and Facebook-users swooped down, armed with an unlimited arsenal of OMGs and WTFs, and lynch-mobbed the iSnack 2.0. The big suits at Kraft couldn’t understand what went wrong: the West Australian web designer who won the right to name the new mutant cheese/vegemite spawn seemed like an average Australian, someone who all Australians could relate to.

I sympathise with Kraft and their unlikely internet hero, and fail to see how the name ‘iSnack’ was not immediately recognised as a revolutionary step forward in Australian culture. How typical of Australia’s ‘tall poppy’ mentality to cut down the one thing that had the potential to improve our condiment industry. How a true-blooded, modern Australian could fail to see the meaning and relevance of the iSnack 2.0 is a mystery to me.

For one, it refers brilliantly to the unstoppable rise of technology in our society. It is the definition of cutting-edge: add an i- prefix to any word and immediately it is modernised. With many steps being taken to technologically enhance the way we live, isn’t it logical that our next step is to technologically enhance the way we snack? Do we, as a nation, want the rest of the world to overtake us socially, politically and technologically? Do we want to be regarded as the simpletons of the global village, living in the squalor of our mud-brick houses while the rest of the townspeople enjoy ducted air-conditioning and Pura-Tap, all because we couldn’t relinquish our old-fashioned methods and ideas? I say no, and the iSnack 2.0 is a call to arms on this belief – a rallying cry to unify all Australians in a movement for progression, education, growth and development. To reject the iSnack 2.0 is to reject Australia’s future.

Yet, to embrace the iSnack 2.0 is to reject all that is impure about Australia’s cultural past. By simply including the ‘2.0’ in the label, Kraft begins to eliminate proof that a product named Vegemite existed in the first place: “iSnack 2.0? Well, there must have been an iSnack 1.0 then.” “Yeah, wasn’t it that thing called Vegemite?” “It mustn’t have been, why else would they call it 2.0?” “Ah, I dunno. It must have been iSnack 1.0 then. Memory’s on the go again. Sheryl, can you ring up Doctor Baker and book me in for this Friday?” In less than two minutes we can eradicate almost a century of cultural cringe and social stereotyping (Australians are happy little

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Vegemites; Australians eat Vegemite for breakfast, lunch and tea, while chucking shrimps on the barbie and talking to kangaroos).

The iSnack 2.0 is also a very clever marketing ploy as well as a boost to the Australian economy. The name itself begs the customer to buy more: i (I), Snack (snack), 2.0 (twice). I snack twice. Why buy only one jar when you can get double the yeasty goodness for the price of two? The iSnack 2.0 is compatible with many different applications, and could create a whole line of technological merchandise. We could have the iSnack application for iPod touch and iPhone, as well as an interactive iSnack website and talking iSnack action figures loaded with newly developed Artificial Intelligence. iSnack could become a global franchise, generating more jobs and lifting the world out of the GFC.

So put down your angry tweets and status updates, and listen: dissing the iSnack isn’t going to do anybody any good. Let Australians bond together, as we once did for the noble causes of lamb, red meat, and banananananas [make those bodies sing], and campaign for the reinstatement of iSnack 2.0 as the rightful name for our new cheese/vegemite spread thing. Because even though we’ve got no bloody idea what it actually is and wouldn’t go near it with a ten-foot tent pole, we can use it to put our nation back on the global mainframe.

Literarily-minded?

Technologically-minded?

Artistically-minded?

Absent-minded?

There’s a 99.9999 recurring percent chance that

WE WANT YOU! If this interest in your contributing to Cannonball is reciprocated,

shoot us an email at cannonball.magazine@gmail.com.

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don’t go in for the cred, and you’ll have a ball by Alberto Di Troia

You’re waiting for a bus, listening to music through ear-muffler headphones. A pretty girl wearing rainbow stockings and large novelty earrings approaches and sits next to you. She catches a strain of the music you are listening to, and says that she loves the band. You talk to her, and discover that she not only shares most of your music tastes but also your love of obscure Norwegian cinema. To your delight, she agrees to see a movie the following night.

Luckily, 500 Days of Summer is playing at your local multiplex. You thank your lucky stars you’ve found a film so well suited to a (hopefully) romantic outing with a girl on the quirky side of special. You saw the trailer for it while waiting to see the latest Wes Andersen film, and it set your indie mouth a-watering. In it, the narrator declares the rom-com is ‘not a love story’ over a choice selection of indie/alternative favourites. Mmm, lo-fi goodness.

Of course, 500 Days of Summer is a love story. Tom Hansen and Summer Finn work at a greeting card production house, where they meet and initially bond over a shared love of The Smiths. So begins a tumultuous relationship between the head-over-heels Tom and the less receptive Summer, a relationship that leads them through imaginary homes in IKEA, screenings of The Graduate and eventually comparisons of the relationship to that of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen.

I can tell now you that if you want to like this film, you will. It certainly is charming, mainly due to a brilliant performance from Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Tom and the endearing humour and truth of the script. As well as bearing an uncanny resemblance to his late former co-star Heath Ledger (Google it!), Gordon-Levitt brings a perfect comic aspect to a script that delivers spot-on observations about love, relationships and the torment that both can bring.

What is less certain is why Tom would ever fall in love with a woman who is as irritating and fickle as Zooey Deschanel’s Summer. The only explanation we are given is that she is the sort of girl who inexplicably increases the album sales of her favourite band (who happen to be Belle & Sebastian... oh, God). That’s convenient. The direction by first timer Marc Webb is generally quite good, reaching its height with a dance sequence set to Hall & Oates’ “You Make My Dreams”, and its nadir with an excessive commitment to make the film, by definition, quirky.

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This was my main problem with it. While the film is immensely enjoyable, it is bogged down by a great desire to promote itself as inherently “offbeat” and hence appeal to a similarly inclined audience. The devices it uses to accomplish this are sometimes quite frustrating (such as the sporadic nature of the non-linear narrative and the tendency for the directorial technique to change from scene to scene with little fluidity).

A good example of this sort of smart-aleck smarminess is Juno (2007), a film which gleefully exploited its apparent “indie” credentials. Sure, the film was financed on a (relatively) small budget on an independent label, but it was here that the whole lo-fi shebang ended. The “indie” music written for or around the film strived so hard to be offbeat that it was completely bland, and contrived every scene it was used in; music should be included in a film to enhance and enrich the scene, not for its own sake. Moreover, there was a large amount of product placement in the film, promoting brands such as Nike and Coca Cola. Yet the film was greatly discussed and positively reviewed based upon its indie-cool status.

Which is not to say it wasn’t a good film; it was. Yet I don’t understand why films which have a tendency to be offbeat or kitsch, in terms of either the script or direction, have to emphasise this and declare the project is cool because it has a lo-fi soundtrack and promotional material and a super-referential script, not because it is a funny, endearing and emotive film.

500 Days Of Summer is a film that is funny, endearing and emotive, and can be enjoyed on its own merits by anyone who has ever experienced the highs and lows of a relationship. Then again, the film is also perfect for some back-of-the-cinema tentative hand touching with a girl who wears rainbow stockings and novelty earrings. Let’s just hope she’s nicer than the namesake of this film.

Note from the editor: if you want to but still haven’t seen it, quick – crawl out from under that rock and catch it in the final days of its theatre run!

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YEAR 12 ART & DESIGN SHOW

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP: CARLY MITOLO, NICK HORVAT, HARRIET

MCLEISH.

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The befriending of Martha and Mr. Milne by Matthew Traeger

She hadn’t known him for very long, but that didn’t matter. Despite the fact that she had listened to so many of his stories, Martha didn’t even have the faintest of clues as to the sound of his voice. That’s certainly not to say she didn’t confide openly in him, though, for she most certainly did.

A. A. Milne proved to be quite a trustworthy friend of Martha’s. He was a very understanding confidant, too - he listened to her with great care, and read her letters in great depth. He never disagreed; he never wished to change the subject. He was easygoing, and similar to his stories about Winnie the Pooh and Friends, he was very likeable.

As Martha turned placidly from side to side on the leather chair in her father’s study room, surrounded by his books containing words of greater length than she ever dared dream of, she thought carefully. Her eyes focussed on the blank piece of paper that lay in front of her, though her mind was focussing on other things – nothing notable, nor anything exceedingly anomalous for an eight year old. She continued to

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ponder over her thoughts, though soon began to concentrate on the letter she was there to write. Then, in one swift movement, she sat up straight and reached for a pencil. She knew there was not much time left in the evening, and now also knew what to write. “Dear Mr. Milne,” she thought aloud, “it has been four days since I wrote to you. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.” She smiled in approval of her words and, with great care in her handwriting, recorded the sentence down onto the paper.

Of course, Martha knew that her letters addressed to Mr. Milne never really travelled beyond the drawer in her room, though the notion didn’t seem to bother her. To her, as in any other third-grader, imagination was what injected real life with a sense of enjoyment and, more importantly, purpose. She knew that all creations of her imagination were fictitious, and she didn’t pretend otherwise – she knew her friendship with Mr. Milne was one such creation. That didn’t matter, though. He was still there.

Martha continued the letter. The room was silent, aside from a whisper that escaped her mouth every so often. She always whispered the words when writing the letters, mainly because she didn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention towards herself by reading them aloud. The last thing she needed was an interruption from one of her parents – on previous occasions when they had found her writing to Mr. Milne, they sent her to bed (as she usually wrote her letters after dinner, so she could write about the day’s happenings) mid-letter without any second thoughts. She never protested in reply – she simply gave in, as she loved them dearly, even if they did deem her friendship with Mr. Milne to be somewhat of a ‘phase’, as they never failed to mention. Not that Martha followed their instructions to cease writing. She had promised Mr. Milne that she would never stop – never. Sitting there now, she could hear her Mother’s voice in her head. “Come on, dear, you’re older than this. You need to get out of this, you’re growing up!” She quickly shook it away with a grunt and returned to the letter.

What originally drew Martha to Mr. Milne was a mystery to all – even Martha was unsure as to why exactly this author, above others, had captured her undivided attention. To be honest, she had never thought about the reasoning behind her fondness towards Mr. Milne in any great depth. Her parents certainly had, though their guesswork often proved fruitless. It was not as if she was overly fond of his characters. The forlorn nature of Eeyore was at times unpleasant to read about, and although she didn’t mind Piglet, he was perhaps a bit too timid for her liking. However, the sense of optimism shown by Winnie and Tigger, she liked (though she did find the prospect of befriending a tiger rather nerve wracking). Nevertheless, it

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wasn’t his creations that caused Martha to find a liking in Mr. Milne, nor was it that she simply desired an imaginary friend – she had plenty of real friends at school, all of whom she greatly enjoyed her time with. She certainly didn’t need another.

Some may say that it was the lifetime accomplishments of Mr. Milne that had enchanted Martha. Inside the cover of Martha’s well-worn Stories of Winnie-the-Pooh, Together With Favourite Poems was a biography, merely a few lines in length, detailing the life of A. A. Milne. What Martha knew of him derived from this small section, and perhaps what she wished her life to be like was also from this paragraph. She had always said she would like to write; she certainly had the imagination to be a writer. Maybe she felt she could relate to Mr Milne, or saw a part of herself in him, a being who could spend their whole life writing, whether it be poems, plays, or stories.

What did Martha write about in these letters? That was a question frequently asked by her parents, because of the fact that neither of them had actually found nor read one of the letters. Did she write about them, or even her friends? Did the letters contain any content that should come under the attention of a counsellor? These were all concepts that often preoccupied the minds of her parents. Yet, Martha and Mr. Milne both knew that her parents had no need to worry. They knew that her parents most likely would not be overly fussed by Martha’s questions regarding the sporadic renewals of enthusiasm in the morale of Eeyore, and the donkey’s subsequent downfall of personal sanguineness and intrepidity at the smallest of dilemmas. Alternatively, in her own words: ‘Why does Eeyore become sad and then happy again? It just doesn’t make sense.’

It was such content that provided the base of these letters, including the most recent one, the envelope of which had just been licked by Martha as she slid off the chair and walked hastily to the door. She reached to the knob and turned it slowly to avoid the screeching that often accompanied the old oak door, then ran straight up the hall to her room, the room in which all of her letters could be found. She opened the door and headed directly for the third draw next to her cupboard. She knelt down and placed the letter in the appropriate place.

Mr Milne will enjoy that one, she thought. And she was right.

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