Camus on Acid

8/11/2019 Camus on Acid

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Jonathan McCormack 806 Williamsburg Dr Mahopac NY 10541

Mahopacjohnaol!com

TWELVE STONESJonathan McCormack

"rologu#

Tender is The Knife

$ %as &6 th# last tim# $ '#lt ali(#! $ am &) no%! $ am un*#+ual to th# li'#gi(#n m#! ,#'t to unr#st $ am lon#l- an. scar#. %ith %r#stling uns##n

things in th# .ark! /'t#r aborting this .istr#ss#. shu..#r to th# car# o'

languag# $ plan to kill m-s#l'! M# $ m#an m- actual p#rson not som#

'ictional narrator2! / t#n.#r lo(# prick at m- throat a sil(#r* ton#.

'un#rar- kiss a ra3or#. car#ss sli. .ir#ct across th# spot b#n#ath m-

a.ams appl#! /n. th#n * crimson relief ! hings coul. chang#! $ coul.

chang#! M- lightl#ss soul ma- -#t r#turn! $2ll n##. to 'in. a cl#an plac#

'or h#r m- slugg- h#a. is thick cro%.#. %ith sulli#. phantoms2 moan atnights! ' cours# unl#ss poss#ss#. o' an #c#ptional charact#r -ou %ill

no .oubt b# .#(astat#. shoul. lat#r $ b# 'oun. still br#athing! /s %ill $!

M- b#st .#ar r#a.#r shall $ to com# through 'or -ou! 7or us /'t#r all

not o't#n is on# consciousl- horri'i#. at on#s o%n natur#9 an. i' -ou ar#

hon#st an. s#nsiti(# -ou must b#! :uici.# inspir#. no(#ls ar# th# most

.#licious * a.mit it* at l#ast %ith th#m th# auth#nticit- o' authorial %o#s

ar# c#rtain9 mor#o(#r th# att#nti(# r#a.#r i' so attun#. can tast# th#

bloo. br#ath#. (aporous o'' th#s# jagg#. s#ntim#nts! W# shar# in

anoth#r2s jo- but '#ast on anoth#r2s agon-! ;o% can -ou not but '##l

.uplicitous in m- .o%n'all < M#r#l- b- r#a.ing -ou participat# in it!

Num#rous %rit#rs %ill r#mark that it is their pro'#ssion abo(# all oth#rs

poss#ss#. o' th# most risk an. .ang#r! /n author puts his li'# on th# lin#

#ach tim# in #(#r- lin# his li'# pois#. to los# all substanc#! / pr#carious

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]



%ith a hi.#ous scr##ch snatch#. a%a- m- tr#mbling soul! $ r#m#mb#r

m#r#l- a s#nsation o' 'light 'ollo%#. b- #pansi(# r#li#' b#'or# b#ing

o(#r%h#lm#. b- th# most t#rri'-ing '#ar an. (#rtigo! /'t#r som# tim# $

pass#. out!

Chapt#r n#

$ a%ok#! / bl#ating lamb m- migrain# .#ca-#. an. oo3ing li+ui.

abo(# m- cl#nch#. right #-#!!!splint#rs s+uirming through th# t#ns#

.ra%n m#at in m- h#a.!!!

:lo%l- $ unglu#. m- #-#li.s! $ pull#. m-s#l' upright an. ga3#. into th#

so't gra- light that all aroun. su''us#. th# atmosph#r# ! $ look#. .o%nan. coul. not s## m- '##t! Not a 'og #act but a thick .arkn#ss

s%allo%#. th# %orl. into a ha3#! h# air .#a. still! /bo(# $ coul. h#ar

it 'urious ho%ling str#ams an. j#ts o' air %hipping against #ach oth#r!

Wor.s hal' h#ar. or r#m#mb#r#. 'rom out th#r# abo(# or %as it $

sp#aking < Numb! $ %#nt 'or%ar. %ithout a sit# 'or m- #-# to alight

upon $ '#lt almost %ithout bo.-! =(#r- coupl# st#ps $2. stumbl# an. 'all

to th# har. groun.! $ coul.n2t balanc# m-s#l' %ithout som# lan.mark! $

n##.#. a r#'#r#nc#! /m $ #(#n r#al < h# thought s%irl#. in m- aching

skull lik# a sol# gnat lost in th# (astn#ss o' th# night sk- s#arching 'or

that star to gui.# it hom#! ;o% can $ kno% %ho $ am %ithout kno%ing

%h#r# $ am < utsi.# th# narrati(# o' histor- $ tri#. to plac# m-s#l' in

th# %orl. ! 7#ar tumbl#. m- gut an. $ gulp#. it .o%n! $ grabb#. hol. o'

th# naus#a an. h#l. it tight! $ ha. to b# r#al! hosts su''#r#. mightil-

but surl- not 'rom m#taph-sical .ig#sti(# ailm#nts! /ck $ cra.l#. that

naus#a as i' it %#r# m- o%n pr#cious chil.! $ coul. '##l m-s#l' again !

7uck :artr# ;o% .ar# h# %rit# a no(#l o' #ist#ntial .#spair %ith that

titl# ? Naus#a! r p#rhaps $ ju.g# too hast- < $ suppos# $ can %#llimagin# him .ining in his spacious #stat#! :ipping a nic# >or.#au! /

tabl# 'ull o' 7r#nch int#ll#ctuals roun.l- #changing %itt- r#marks lik#

small po! Whil# all aroun. ? th# War lik# som# b#rs#rk b#ast 'rom

h#ll mangling an. t#aring m#n apart lik# a star(#. %il. cur ami.st a



litt#r o' crippl#. kitt#ns! Y#s $ can s## ho% it coul. ups#t poor :artr#2s

.ig#stion! ;# s##ms th# t-p# built o' s#nsiti(# bo%#ls!!!

/h * bitt#rn#ss $ must b# g#tting b#tt#r h# bitt#r man must ha(# not

onl- his past 'ailings in min. but r#ali3# that #(#n no% %#r# h# to 'in.hims#l' in th# sam# circumstanc#s all o(#r again #(#n th#n %oul. h#

'rom %ant o' courag# r#p#at thos# (#r- sam# mistak#s that haunt him

pr#s#ntl-! >itt#rn#ss b#ing th# tast# o' that soul still stain#. %ith sham#!

=rrors committ#. -#st#r.a- %# can 'orgi(# but onl- i' %# ar# a

.i''#r#nt p#rson to.a-! /h!!!$ coul. '##l th# succ#ssi(# la-#rs o' arti'ic#

an. social mask b#ing r#appli#. co(#ring o(#r all that li(ing '#ar

.#pri(ing it o' light an. o-g#n till lik# buri#. %orms scr#aming in th#

.irt all is mu''l#. sil#nc#! ,ik# a n#% although not #actl- natural skin

prot#cting all m- ra% %#t %oun.s! E#a.- to 'ac# th# %orl. again

:ocial int#rcours# is impossibl# oth#r%is#! Wh- %#2. simpl- tak# on#

look at #ach oth#r an. #ith#r scr#am in horror or sob in broth#rl-

#mbrac#! ,uckil- things as th#- ar# %# ha(# th# thir. an. most

popular option ? total in.i''#r#nc#! hat such things b# hi..#n is a

n#c#ssar- pr#r#+uisit# 'or th# #ist#nc# o' ci(ili3ation! With .#nial all

things ar# possibl# or at l#ast possibl# to b#li#(# in!

/gain $ coul. br#ath! ># m- pr#t#n. s#l'! r %as it pr#t#n. to b# a s#l'<=ith#r %a-!!! $t %as +ui#t h#r#! $ .ragg#. m-s#l' along 'urth#r into th#

.arkn#ss! >#'or# long $ sa% %hat look#. lik# a light a sort o' .ull

glo%ing ball! h#n it t%ist#. aroun. an. a man2s 'ac# cam# into 'ocus! $

stopp#. short an. gasp#.! @;#llo ;#llo h#lloA h# 'igur# lop#.

'or%ar. an. clasp#. m- han.! ;# scr#%#. his 'ac# up into min#

k##ping a 'irm grip @You2r# numb#r #l#(#n $ m#an $ assum#! W# r#all-

.on2t kno%! >ut com# along h#r# o(#r h#r#!A ;# l#. m# to%ar. a small

'ir#! Nak#. 'rom th# %ast# up a bon- 'igur# long arms compl#t#l- bal.-#t -oung lat# &02s < /n =nglish acc#nt tin- black #-#s %ith points o'

bright light! "#rhaps b#caus# o' th# strang# luminosit- all about that

s##m#. to ha(# no sourc# his skin look#. sickl- pal#! / %i.# mouth

%h#n h# b#gan to sp#ak his lips %oul. b#gin to +ui(#r!



@Do sit :it .o%n! ># com'ortabl#! h#r#! Do -ou r#m#mb#r ho% -ou

got h#r#< You ha(#n2t b##n h#r# long ha(# -ou< M- nam#2s $saac! /

pl#asur# to mak# -our ac+uaintanc# Mr!!!!!!<A :uch a small %#ak g#ntl#

(oic# 'ormal .#(oi. o' all aggr#ssion! ;# star#. at m# pati#ntl- his

h#a. cock#. th# 'ir# 'lick#ring in his t%o ja.# #-#s!

@$!!!$2m Jon!!!$!!!uh!!!no no $ ha(#n2t b##n h#r# 'or long!!!just!!!pl#asur#

to m##t -ou!!!$!!!$2m sorr- %h#r# ar# %#<A

@h $2m sorr- -ou must b# con'us#. $ .i.n2t m#an to bombar. -ou

%ith +u#stions! W#ll as 'ar as %h#r# %# ar# $ can2t sa-! No on# kno%s!

/ll o' us!!!sort o' just %ok# up on# .a- look#. aroun. an.!!!this is

%h#r# %# %#r# th# sam# is tru# 'or -ou!!!!!<A

@!!!!h -#s -#s! $ %as at hom# an. $ r#all- can2t r#m#mb#r $ %as at

hom#!!!an. th#n!!! $ gu#ss $ %ok# up h#r#!!!but!!!h#r#2s nothing h#r#

though!A

@h no hat2s not tru#* th#r# ar# ston#s! /n. this 'ir# h#r#! ;ills too!

W#ll %#2r# surroun.#. b- hills! :ort o'! $ think %# might b# in th#

bottom o' a crat#r! r at l#ast a .##p (all#-!A

M- min. grop#. in th# .arkn#ss 'or som# assuranc# an #planationth#n 'ro3#n b- a probl#m too obscur# an. un.#'in#. aroun. its #.g#s

'or it2s m#chanisms to grasp onto $ '#lt m- min. slipping a%a-

%h##ling in th# blackn#ss! / gr#at l#tharg- o(#rcam# m#! $ absorb#. th#

sil#nc#! @Y#s!!!but %ait this can2t b#! W# must b# .r#aming or $2m

.r#aming! his is a .r#am! $2m .r#aming! $2m in a .r#am ar#nt $<A

@h that is possibl#! hat2s %hat $ thought all o' us .i. at 'irst! >ut

no% $2m not sur#! $t coul. b# >ut $2(# b##n h#r# 'or at l#ast a coupl# o'

%##ks an. Chuang h#2s b##n h#r# 'or -#ars an. -#ars! :o its har. tot#ll! =(#r- night $ .o 'all asl##p an. ha(# oth#r .r#ams but th#n $

al%a-s %ak# up h#r#! Who kno%s Ma-b# %#2r# th# .r#ams >ut!!!no

that .o#sn2t mak# s#ns#!!!A ;# stopp#. g#sticulating an. '#ll p#nsi(#!



$ sai. @his has to b# a .r#am! ,ook th# part o' th# brain that r#a.s or

.#als %ith numb#rs .o#sn2t 'unction .uring sl##p! :o -ou can t#ll %h#n

-ou ar# .r#aming! $ us#. to .o this %h#n $ practic#. luci. .r#aming!

Watch!A With m- 'oot $ car(#. m- nam# in th# .irt n#ar th# 'ir#! @No%

%hat -ou .o is -ou look at th# %or. mak# sur# its sp#ll#. corr#ctl- th#nlook a%a-! Wh#n -ou look back again it2ll b# a .i''#r#nt %or. or th#

l#tt#rs %ill b# jumbl#.!A $saac sat crouch#. a '#% '##t a%a- #-#s %i.#

%atching int#ntl-! $ look#. .o%n at m- nam# m#ntall- $ took not# o'

#ach l#tt#r! J!! N! h#n $ pronounc#. it out lou. @JonA! $ slo%l- turn#.

a%a- %ait#. a '#% mom#nts th#n turn#. back! $ r#a. th# %or. again*

Jon! $ car#'ull- %#nt o(#r #ach l#tt#r! $ turn#. a%a- a s#con. an. a

thir. an. a 'orth tim# choking .o%n th# panic st#a.il- mounting in m-

stomach! =ach tim# m- nam# r#main#. th# sam#! Jon Jon Jon Jon JonJon Jon! =ach tim# th# sam# l#tt#rs ? J**N J**N J**N J**N J**

N! $ %as shaking hol.ing back t#ars! @What th# h#ll What< No hat2s

not right it2s a .r#am Ma-b# its not! /m $ insan# < Ma-b# $2m in a

coma *no! Ma-b# $2m !!!no $2m not .#a. $ .i.n2t die, $2m not dead. /t

l#ast $ kno% $2m not .#a. $2m still ali(# $ '##l m- bo.-! $ ha(#

amn#sia*no $ r#m#mb#r %ho $ %as! Not was, I’m still the same person.

Fnl#ss $ black#. out! r *A $saac grabb#. hol. o' m# $ %as cr-ing

babbling h# hugg#. m# clos#! @$ts all right mat#! $ts ok! $ts alright!A ;#k#pt r#p#ating thos# %or.s as $ %#pt an. .rool#. against his bar#

shoul.#r still mumbling! :u..#nl- $ '#lt h#a(- an. '#lt m-s#l' going

un.#r! $ surr#n.#r#. to th# .arkn#ss an. sl#pt!!!!

Chapt#r %o

:cr#aming $ a%ok#! Doubl#. o(#r $ (omit#. som# cl#ar li+ui. an.

mucus gasping 'or br#ath! /n. so b#gan m- .a-! h# air ra% on 'ir#

.r- as .irt! $ ga3#. up no sk- but a %hit# ha3#! :till $ coul. h#ar th#%in. t%isting an. groaning abo(#! h# groun. a light bro%n .ust!

Clou.s o' it hung lik# mist inch#s o'' th# groun.! $ '#lt .#a. %hich is to

sa- normal! h# 'og ha. li't#. som#! $ stoo. in a circl# o' light a

circum'#r#nc# som# 10 't aroun. th#n gra.uall- 'a.ing th# 'ir#

crackling in th# c#nt#r! :trang# thing it .i.n2t s##m to gi(# o'' an- h#at!



$saac sho%#. m# aroun.! $t app#ar#. %# %#2r# at th# bottom o' som#

kin. o' crat#r st##p slop#s too ma-b# a G0 .#gr## angl# that must2(#

b##n o(#r 50 '##t high or mor#! With th# 'og or %hat#(#r it %as -ou

coul.n2t s## to th# top!

h# air %as lik# br#athing san.! $ b#gan to '##l .i33-! $ sat .o%n on a

small boul.#r! h#r# %#r# oth#rs all circling th# p#rim#t#r! $nclu.ing

min# t%#l(# rocks in all! M- #-#s s##m#. a''#ct#.! Not mist but a 'in#

(#il o' light obscur#. th# lan.scap#! =(#r-thing %as illuminat#. %ith a

thick %hit# light! No sha.o%s an-%h#r#! :urr#al!

$ '#lt strang#l- at p#ac# %hich is to sa- $ ha. 'inall- crack#.! / brok#n brain mak#s going %ith th# 'lo% so much #asi#r! /ll thos# rational

thoughts .#a. an. t%itching at th# bottom o' on#2s consciousn#ss lik#

#th#ri3#. b##s! $ '##l $ ought to %ork in som# kin. o' 'lo%#r m#taphor

h#r#!!! ah %#ll! $ '#lt almost gi..-!

@Jon<A / (oic# .ra%l#. 'rom b#hin. $ t%ist#. aroun.! >#'or# m# stoo.

a rough looking man %#ath#r#. 'ac# mi. 402s r#c#.ing hairlin# abo(#

a larg# 'or#h#a. p#ncil mustach# an. on# cock#. #-#bro%!

@Y#s< $2m Jon! ;o%2. -ou kno%<A ;# la3il- point#. to%ar. th# nam#

still car(#. in th# groun.!

@h! $!!!.on2t kno% ho% $ got h#r#!!!A h# man just s+uint#. sk-%ar.

an. scratch#. his ch##k!

@$2m =ug#n#A h# sai. %ithout #t#n.ing his han.! $ no..#.

uncom'ortabl-!

@=ug#n#! ;#llo! Do -ou happ#n to kno% %h#r# or *A

@No on# kno%s a thing!A h# sai. +ui#tl- looking .o%n at his '##t!



@/h!!!W#ll!!!A $ .i.n2t kno% %hat to sa-! ;# start#. saunt#ring a%a-

th#n paus#. an. look#. back @:a-!!!-ou!!!-ou .i.n2t happ#n to bring

an- spirits .i. -ou<A

@:pirits <A

@,i+uor< No $ .on2t suppos# -ou .i.!!!A an. h# shambl#. a%a- h#a.

.o%n!

Christ this is ri.iculous it2s ob(iousl- a .r#am r a hallucination $

m#an!!!%hat #ls#!!!< Chin up! 7org#t it! h#r#2s nothing to .o about it! $

might as %#ll g#t along pla- th# gam# m##t th# gang! h#r#2s t%o

r#la#. '#llo%s o(#r th#r#! $ might as %#ll sociali3#! $ '##l goo.!

=(#r-thing2s!!!!'in#! 7or no%! $2m 'in#!

/s $ got clos#r $ coul. s## a man in his lat# siti#s bal. li(#r spots a

%hit# trim goat*t a bit stock- an. short but %ith gr#at postur# *an. in a

suit h# oth#r a thin -oungish gu- similarl- .r#ss#. #c#pt a bit mor#

casual no ti# sports jack#t largish nos# bro%n hair thinning! h#-

stopp#. talking an. look#. at m#! $ a''i#. a 'au*smil#!

@;#llo th#r#! $2m Jon! $ just!!!got h#r# $ suppos#!!!A

h# ol. man smil#. his grin pushing th# #c#ss 'l#sh back along his

'ac# an. took m- han. @;#llo A ;# spok# calml- an. kin.l- all th#

%hil# looking strait into m- #-#s sur# to annunciat# #(#r- %or. @ M-

nam# is Wol'gang! $2m gla. to m##t -ou Jon! his is Marc#l!A Marc#l

ga(# an imp#rc#ptibl# no. o' his h#a.! @Do -ou kno% ho% -ou got

h#r#< r- to think! ak# -our tim#!A Just th# slight#st trac# o' a #rman

acc#nt in Wol'gang2s (oic#!

@ $2m a'rai. $ can2t r#m#mb#r an-thing $ s##m to b# su''#ring a bit o'

m#mor- lossA $ ans%#r#. amicabl- an unsur# smil# i.ioticall- pois#.

on m- 'ac#!



@You .on2t!A $ sai. 'latl- anno-#. to h#ll %ith th# gu-2s nonchalanc#!

@No!A ;# b#cam# thought'ul turn#. his smooth .ra%n '#atur#s up to th#

h#a(#ns (oi. @$t r#min.s m# o' a comm#nt Holtair# onc# ma.# %h#n

ask#. about th# possibilit- o' r#incarnation9 h# sai. it %oul. b# nostrang#r to li(# t%ic# than it is to li(# onc#! $ think that2s r#l#(ant to our

situation no<A

Wol'gang ga(# a littl# giggl# @that2s (#r- goo. (#r- cl#(#r $ lik# that! $

think Holtair# %oul. b# pl#as#. tooA

@What < /r# -ou sa-ing %#2r# all .#a.<A

Marc#l massag#. th# stubbl# on his thin 'ac# @h %ho kno%s %ho

kno%s!!!$ r#m#mb#r stu.#nts occasionall- asking m# Do -ou b#li#(# in

th# a't#r*li'#<2 $ %oul. al%a-s sa- to th#m ho% .o -ou kno% -our not

alr#a.- .#a. <A

his %as going no %h#r# 'ast! @ :o this is %hat< "urgator- < $ .on2t s##

an- horn- .#(ils so !!!!A

@$ kno% not a thing! $2m m#r#l- sp#culating but -ou kno% man- p#opl#

ha(# no conc#ption o' such Christian*inspir#. conc#pts as purgator-! $

look aroun. this plac# an. s## a mor# r##k i.#a o' th# a't#rli'#!A

;o% th# h#ll .i. $ g#t into this con(#rsation<

@Y#a an. ma-b# it2s h#ll!A $ sai.!

7rom out o' th# thick %hit# ha3# cam# a (oic# @r ma-b# it is

h#a(#n A

$ start#. @Who*< A

@hat2s onl- h#ophan! Dont %orr- about him!A Wol'gang th# constant

com'ort#r!



$ l#t out a sigh #asp#rat#. @Christ this has gotta b# a .r#am! r a

pro.uct o' som# kin. o' D#m#ntia! No on# %oul. #(#r act lik# this in

r#alit-!A

@No<A Marc#l rais#. his #-#bro%s @>ut th#- .o th#- .o all th# tim#7irst %# ar# born!!! %# look aroun.!!!%# .isco(#r .#ath %hich t#rri'i#s

us an. th#n %hich is #(#n mor# t#rri'-ing %# .isco(#r not a on# kno%s

a thing about it $n 'act #(#r- on# o' us strolls about in compl#t#

.isint#r#st! ;-pnoti3#. sl##p%alk#rs W# maat 'irst b# shock#. but

just to g#t along %# too #(#ntuall- .isconn#ct 'rom th# t#rribl# r#alit-

o' .#ath! >#li#(# m# $ r#m#mb#r as a t##nag#r in a panic putting th#

+u#stion to m- moth#r What is going to happ#n to us< /r#n2t -ou

a'rai.<2 :h# sai. simpl- h#r#2s nothing $ can .o about it! $2ll just cross

that bri.g# %h#n $ g#t to it!2 With that all 'urth#r .iscussion %as

.ismiss#. as morbi.!2 Which is all 'in# an. goo. until th# mom#nt

%h#n 'ac# to 'ac# mortalit- star#s -ou .o%nA

Wol'gang no..#. his h#a. @Y#s that is (#r- tru#! $2(# o't#n #n(ision#.

th# chaos #nsuing shoul. m#n su..#nl- b#com# a%ar# in an

#p#ri#ntial %a- o' th#ir o%n 'inalit-! /n un.#man.ing b#li#' in th#

a't#rli'# %oul. not su''ic#! M#n %oul. .#man. c#rtaint-! ;a $ imagin#

tra''ic scr##ching to a halt! /ll busin#ss art sci#nc# .#(ot#.#clusi(#l- #(#n obs#ssi(#l- to t#asing out .#ath2s s#cr#t Wh- soci#t-

%oul. b# organi3#. aroun. a group o' sci#ntists sci#ntists o' th# spirit

an. th# r#st o' us %oul. %ork to support th#m much in th# sam# %a-

%# no% '##. capitalism or in.ustr-! $t2s +uit# an amusing pictur# is it

notA

@Y#s! r at l#ast l#ss horri'-ing than th# r#al on#! >ut isn2t that a pictur#

o' tra.itional soci#t-< h# pri#sts on th# top * th# bottom class %orking

to a''or. th# #lit# l#isur# #nough to commun# %ith th# go.s< A

@$ gu#ss it is >ut things ha(# chang#. Marc#l!A



@' cours# thos# sci#ntists might com# up #mpt- han.#.! You2(# s##n

>#rgman2s :#(#nth :#al< Wh#n +u#stion#. about his m-st#ri#s D#ath

ans%#rs simpl- $ ha(# no s#cr#ts!2 $(# al%a-s lo(#. that!A

M- min. r##l#. to mak# s#ns# o' %hat th#- %#r# sa-ing but m-thoughts %#r# in slo% motion th# n#ural conn#ctions blinking in an. out

lik# signals 'rom a t#l#phon# %ir# that .ipp#. in mu..- pu..l#s!

Just th#n an #l.#rl- man looking lik# som# m#.i#(al %i3ar. crook#.

b#nt o(#r so that his .irt- %hit# b#ar. s%#pt th# groun. hol.ing a

polish#. branch 'or a sta'' rob#. in -#llo% cloth shambl#. up to us in

san.al#. '##t! $ notic#. a sack s%ung roun. his back! @;#llo W#rthA

Wol'gang took hol. o' him s#at#. him on a small boul.#r! W# all %ait#.

%hil# h# caught his br#ath! 7inall- h# spok# @No(alis!!!!A his (oic#rasp#. against his anci#nt throat @No(alis sa-s that D#ath in(it#s us to

a marriag#2A

Wol'gang2s #-#bro%s .anc#. %il.l- abo(# his bro% .#light#.! @h $

lik# that H#r- goo. hat2s (#r- goo. in.##. What .o -ou sa- to that

Marc#l<A

Marc#l s##m#. .is.ain'ul! With his 'ing#r h# 'lick#. o'' a spi.#r 'rom

his shoul.#r but it must ha(# attach#. a %#b b#caus# $ sa% it s%ing back to his thigh %h#r# it scurri#. up his l#g .isapp#aring in th#

rumpl#. 'abric o' his %hit# button#. %ork shirt b#n#ath his na(- blu#

sports coat!

@W#ll in that cas# $2. ask 'or a .i(orc#!A

@,i'#A sai. W#rth %h##3ing an. #cit#. @,i'# is th# .i(orc#! $n .#ath

shall %# b# r#unit#. to our b#lo(#. cr#ator to natur# to th# cosmos!!!/t

last %ill %# b# r#concil#. to ours#l(#sA ;# 'ollo%#. this %ith a s#ri#so' hacking coughs that shook his #ntir# bo.-! @W#rth %# ha(# a n#%

p#rson h#r#! ;is nam# is JonA Wol'gang intro.uc#. m#!

@Jon < Jon!!!Jon!!!A W#rth mumbl#. .rool lik# rop# s%inging o'' his

sk#l#ton ja%! @D#scrib# him!A



@W#ll h#2s right h#r#! Wh- not ask him to .#scrib# hims#l' <A

@No / p#rson cannot .#scrib# th#ms#l(#s W# ar# incapabl#! You t#ll

m#!A

Wol'gang ga(# m# a conciliator- look @Do -ou min.<A

Numb $ shook m- h#a. no!

@W#ll h# is about si 'oot! /pp#ars to b# in his!!!$2. sa- lat# &02s!

/uburn hair an. goat* $rish*/m#rican<A

@;al' $rish hal' $talianA $ sai.!

@/h!!!!Not in th# b#st o' h#alth a bit o(#r%#ightA

@;o% much<A /sk#. W#rth conc#ntrating tr-ing to g#t an imag# o' m#

in his min.s #-#! @h $ .on2t kno%!!!80 poun.s<A

@Fgl-<A

Wol'gang shot m# a h#lpl#ss glanc#! $ spok# up @Y#s W#rth $ am an

ugl- man a 'at ugl- man! $s that all right< /n-thing #ls#<A

@;a(# -ou lo(#.<A

E#all- $ %as astonish#. lo(#. >#'or# $ coul. #(#n b#gin to proc#ss

this $saac cam# 'rom up b#hin. m# slapping m- back!

@Jon ;o% ar# -ou< $2m so gla. -ou2r# b#tt#r! ;#llo Wol' Marc#l!A ;#

b#nt .o%n n#t to W#rth2s #ar @;#llo W#rth ho% ar# -ou .oing to.a-

hmm< 7##ling < Di. -ou ha(# a pl#asant hunt< ;o% bout it< ,#ts

s##!A

W#rth r#main#. as immobil# as th# boul.#r h# sat upon! $ %atch#. as

$saac slipp#. o'' th# sack W#rth %or#! $t sagg#. h#a(il-! $saac h#l. it

op#n an. p##r#. insi.#! h#n h# look#. up an. smil#.! @,ooks goo.A

:tu''ing his han. .##p in th# sack h# pull#. it out clutching *j#sus* %hat

%as that<* a slug / monstrous bloat#. slug il- black p#pp#r#. %ith



%hit# sp#cks ! Mor# than hal' a 'oot long :lo%ing s+uirming an.

t%isting in his han. .ripping slim#!

@/h look at this on# ;#2s a 'at '#ll#r ain2t h#<A ;# h#l. it up to his

'ac#! 7rom a pock#t h# took out a sharp#n#. p#ncil*lik# stick stu.i#. th##-#l#ss h#a.2 o' th# cr#atur# th#n jabb#. it +uick! 7or a '#% s#con.s it

%#nt %il. %rithing in a 'r#n3- b#'or# su..#nl- going limp! / putri.

sm#ll o' .#ca- an. rot %#lt up 'rom th# %oun. $ back#. up a st#p

co(#ring m- mouth an. nos#! @D#ar go.A $ blurt#. out '##ling m-

stomach churning! With #p#rt skill $saac s#t about using th# p#ncil to

scrap# -#llo% goop out o' th# slug th#n 'lung it to th# groun.!

@/ll right-! hat shoul. just about .o it! ;#r# -ou go W#rth! p#n up!A

W#rth2s tr#mbling ol. skull o' a h#a. %isps o' n#ar in(isibl# hairs

%a(ing 'rom his bal. scalp 'ac#. th# sunl#ss sk-! ;is thin crack#. lips

part#.! $saac h#l. th# .#a. cr#atur# abo(# his mouth an. s+u##3#.! /

trickl# o' bro%n li+ui. .ribbl#. out th# ol. man grabb#. it 'rom him

gr##.il- suckling th# slug! $ turn#. a%a- an. '#ll to m- kn##s b#gan to

%r#tch (iol#ntl- .#sp#rat#l- tr-ing to suck in air! $ coul.n2t catch m-

br#ath! $ coul. '##l th# stomach aci. burning m- throat! :oon it %as just

.r- h#a(#s! h#n it %as o(#r! $ stoo. an. turn#. to 'ac# th#m! $ 'oun.m-s#l' g#ntl- cr-ing! $ '#lt #mpt- an. .a3#.! $saac %hisp#r#. som#thing

to Marc#l! W#rth b#gan to sp#ak @:on com# h#r# son! Com#!A /s in a

tranc# $ %an.#r#. o(#r to th# ol. man! @,#an .o%n! Com#! Com#

clos#r!A Wh#n $ %as n#ar #nough to s## into his #-#s on# %hit# an.

co(#r#. %ith black (#ins th# oth#r a milk- blu# h# spok# @:on t#ll

m# b# hon#st t#ll m# tru# -ou!!!-ou ha(# n#(#r lo(#. ha(# -ou<A

$ straight#n#. up backing slo%l- a%a-! h#r# %as som#thing!!!ugl-

in.#c#nt about ;im! $ '#lt (iolat#.!

@ ,o(#< ,o(#A $ #claim#. @You %ant to kno% about!!!!lo(#< M- lo(#

li'#< $ can2t!!!his .o#sn2t #(#n mak# s#ns#!!!A $ coul. '##l th# bloo.

rushing to m- h#a. th# poun.ing throbs o' pulsating panic insi.# m-

skull m- (ision b#gan to blur! $ %as losing m-s#l'! @What I’m r#all-



int#r#st#. in is %h#r# %# ar#!A $ coul.n2t control m- (oic# it shri#k#.

h-st#ricall-! @W# ar# som#%h#r# ar#n2t %#< $s th#r# a to%n n#ar b-< I

mean, doesn’t anyone have a cell phone?! Do -ou p#opl# li(# h#r#< $2m

looking 'or plain ans%#rs!A

@Calm .o%n JonA

M- han.s an. l#gs b#gan to shak# $ n##.#. ans%#rs his %as cra3-!

Coul.n2t th#- s## th# a%'ul panic in m- 'ac# m- (oic# m- spirit< $

coul. no long#r pr#t#n.! Wol'gang h#l. m- arm an. sat m# on anoth#r

rock!

@Jon its ! No on# h#r# %ill hurt -ou! =(#r- thing is 'in#! :lo%.o%n ! ,ist#n %hat %# kno% %# %ill t#ll -ou ok< >ut -ou mustn2t

%orr-! E#la! W#2r# 'ri#n.s h#r#! You ar# sa'# among goo. p#opl#!

ak# som# .##p br#aths -ou must calm -ours#l'! $ %ill tak# car# o' -ou

$ promis#A >ut $ coul.n2t g#t m- br#ath! $ %as s%#ating $ shot up

scr#aming @No his is ri.iculousA $ coul. '##l th# con'usion lik# an

#l#ctrical storm crashing insi.# m- skull @ his is ki.napping $

.on2t!!!ha(# an- mon#-!!!or!!!$ .on2t '##l goo.!!!his isn2t right!!!

:om#thing2s %rong Wh#r# th# 'uck am $< What .o -ou %ant < #t

a%a- 'rom m# $!!!$ can2t s## What ar# -ou .oing to m#<A /n #l#ctric

kni'# pi#rc#. m- h#art! $ .ropp#. to th# groun. hissing @M- h#art!!!$

.on2t %ant to .i# ,or. h#lp!!!h#lp m# o.!!!A /s $ pass#. out $ h#ar.

Wol'gang @it2s a panic attack!!!!A h#n $saac @W# ought to s## i' %# can

sal(ag# an- o' that (omit o(#r th#r# 'or %at#r #h<A =(#r-thing %#nt

black! $ slipp#. into .arkn#ss!

Chapt#r hr##

$ a%ok# to a .r#am! r .r#am#. that $ a%ok#! =ith#r %a- $ h#ar.

(oic#s! =ug#n# an. $saac! $ pr#t#n.#. to sl##p! $ %ant#. to %ill m-s#l'

back into unconsciousn#ss but .i.n2t '##l sa'# #nough! $ %as starting to

'##l m- o%n s#l' again * con'us#. an. mil.l- naus#ous 'rom ani#t-!

;a(ing th# @.r#a.sA $ call#. it lik# a thousan. points o' lost hop#

through %hich bl#. a%a- m- li'#! / '##ling so r#al an. soli. it cra%l#.



on m- skin cla%#. at m- h#art s%arm#. o(#r m- brain an. prick#. m-

.ick! M- angst m- pr#cious p#ts! lutt#. on .#spair th#- %#igh m#

.o%n %ith th#ir s%oll#n corpul#nc#! $t ach#s m- bo.- r#a.- to burst!

M- soul str#tch#s tight till it splits op#n an. th#- tumbl# out lik# an

a(alanch# o' ra(#nous 'ir# ants .#(ouring thos# p#opl# clos#st to m# ina ri(#r surging %ith 'urious hung#r!

/ppar#ntl- =ug#n# ha. onl- gott#n h#r# a '#% .a-s #arli#r an. $ listn#.

as $ssac #plain#. things to him! What $ h#ar. %as incr#.ibl#! Marc#l

%as right though * its no mor# absur. than anoth#r thing in li'#

although $ ha(# to a.mit this absur.it- %as pr#tt- ri.iculous!

=ug#n# l#'t an. $saac notic#. $ %as a%ak#! ;# %or# ripp#. .ust- rags

an. %as bar#'oot! $ star#. at his big knobb- to#s black %ith grim#!

@Jon -ou ok< ;o% -ou .oing< 7##ling all right<A

$ sat up ga3ing into th# luminous gau3# that obscur#. #(#r-thing! @No

$saac! $2m 'uck#. up! $ h#ar. %hat -ou sai. to =ug#n# but it .i.n2t mak#

an- s#ns#! Wh- can2t %# just scrambl# up th# pit<A

@h $2(# tri#. %#2(# all tri#. but -ou can2t .o it -ou just can2t .o it!

You tr- but th#n -ou gotta stop it g#ts too har.! No -ou must ha(# -our rock %ith -ou! Without it -our stuck! You s## -ou must b# touching

-our rock! Just -ou go an. tr- -ou2ll s## %hat $ m#an tr- it go on!A

@!A $ got to m- '##t an. %alk#. o(#r to th# #.g# %h#r# th# groun.

b#gan to inclin#! $ look#. back at $saac @o ah#a. mat# go!A $t %as at a

st##p angl#! E#..ish bro%n .irt .isapp#ar#. up into th# ha3#! $ put a

t#nuous 'oot 'or%ar.! Nothing th#n anoth#r! $ coul.n2t s## mor# than a

'#% -ar.s ah#a.! $t inclin#. sharpl- so $ got .o%n on m- han.s an.

kn##s an. cra%l#. ! h# groun. %as har.! $mm#.iat#l- $ b#gan to '##lstrang#! / h#a(in#ss %#igh#. on m#! $ turn#. to s## $saac but lost m-

balanc# an. tumbl#. o(#r as i' .runk! >ack on m- b#ll- $ cr#pt on! /

pr#ssur# push#. .o%n on m# it incr#as#. pushing m# 'lat! /'t#r a '#%

mor# '##t $ coul. har.l- br#ath m- (ision blurr#.! >o.- sho(#. har.

against th# groun. l#gs burning 'rom strain an. .ripping %ith s%#at



m- 'ac# pr#ss#. into th# .irt! @oo. go.A $ -#ll#. through cl#nch#.

t##th! $ l#t go o' th# groun. an. sli. .o%n! $saac grabb#. m# an.

.ragg#. m# to th# 'ir#! n han.s an. kn##s %h##3ing asthmaticall- $

clutch#. m- aching ch#st! Wh#n $ caught m- br#ath $ spit out som#

granul#s o' .irt %ip#. m- mouth an. look#. up @Christ $saac %hat th#h#ll<A

@$ tol. -ou .i.n2t $< You can2t g#t up th#r# unl#ss -ou tak# -our rock!

>ut -ou s## that2s th# probl#m isn2t it< hos# rocks %#igh a ton W#ll

ma-b# not a ton but som#thing h#a(- $ can t#ll -ou so that pushing it

up that hill!!!%#ll its har. %ork No on#2s b##n abl# to r#ach th# top

-#tA

“What difference does the rock make?”

“Oh, well, as long has some part of your body is touching your rock the

gravity doesn't get so strong as you climb. It, kind of, counter acts it you

see.”

“But that doesn't make any sense.”

Issac stared dumbly at me.

$ rubb#. m- #-#s! @;o% 'ar up is th# top<A

@h %#ll %# r#all- .on2t kno% .o %#! $2(# ma.# it up!!!oh!!!$2. sa-

aroun. I5 '##t < ma-b# mor#! You can2t t#ll though on account o' all th#

smok#!A

@:mok#< $ thought it %as 'og!A

@$ .on2t think its n#ith#r! >ut %hat#(#r it is -ou can2t s## through it to

th# top!A

$ got up! $ %as .r#nch#. in s%#at!

@>#tt#r not tr- that again -ou .on2t %anna .#h-.rat# %at#r2s a

commo.it- 2roun. h#r#!A



@Y#a $ sa%! You g#t it 'rom thos# slugs huh<A

@:lugs< h no th#m2s is l##ch#s! W#rth gath#rs 2#m up 'or us! ;# sa-s

it2s his (ocation! /n-ho% h#2s too %#ak to b# pushing boul.#rs!A

@hat thing2s a l##ch< J#sus christ! hat2s .isgusting!!!A

@#h -ou2ll g#t us#. to #m!A $saac ga(# a littl# grin!

@$ r#all- .oubt that! $s %at#r so scarc#< Do#sn2t it #(#r rain<A

@Not that %# can t#ll! h#m l##ch#s is our onl- sourc# o' %at#r so %#

ha(# to b# %is# %ith #m! $ m#an sinc# $ b##n h#r# %#2(# n#(#r ha. a

probl#m but -ou n#(#r kno% .o -ou %h- tomorro% th#- coul. all

.isapp#arA

@$ gu#ss! ;o% long ha(# -ou b##n h#r#<A

@/lmost #ight months no%! Y#p! =ight %hol# months!!!You g#t us#. to

things!!!A

$saac b#cam# +ui#t! ;# sat .o%n $n.ian st-l# b- th# 'ir# his #-#s small

an. int#ns# b#n#ath a pronounc#. bro% staring into his lap! ;# look#.

so 'rail! ,ik# an orphan ma-b# b#caus# o' his sha(#. h#a. or his protru.#. #ars! r his m##k mann#r9 h# al%a-s look#. right at -ou %h#n

h# spok# compl#t#l- op#n nothing hi..#n! /n $nnoc#nt! :om#ho%

%h#th#r through charact#r or luck h# r#tain#. that r#a.- humanit- that

(uln#rabilit- so #asil- %oun.#. that th# r#st o' us k##p conc#al#.! hat

%# tr- to kill! W# 'org#t about it b- %a- o' pri.# po%#r an. 'als#

control! Fntil som#thing a%'ul happ#ns! h#n th# p#rsona crumbl#s an.

again %# ar# that littl# chil. traumati3#. b- li'# ba''l#. b- th# cru#lt-

%ith %hich th# %orl. o' m#n %ithhol.s it2s lo(#!!! $ can al%a-s spot th#

s#nsiti(# on#s9 th#-2r# th# on#s %ith th# tattoos th# sco%ling 'ac#s th#

ba. attitu.#s th# guns an. kni(#s!!!h# prisons ar# 'ill#. %ith th#m!

M#n .#sp#rat# l#st som#on# g#t to kno% th#m an. .isco(#r th#

%r#tch#. 'right#n#. chil. conc#al#. an. co%#ring b#hin. that sn##r an.

all that ink! :om# %ill kill a man i' h# look too clos#! $ us#. to b# on# o'



th#m! $ .on2t ha(# th# courag# to so blatantl- %#ar th# truth o' m-

'ragil# con.ition lik# $saac! M- .#spair $ %#ar lik# cooling molt#n iron

soli.i'-ing into a mask o' imp#r(ious p#rman#nc#! >#hin. it '#ar 'a.#s

m# gra-! h# light that m-st#rious light %ithout sourc# pla-#. about his

'ac#! ;# look#. up at m# thos# sa. ston# black #-#s @You kno%A h#so'tl- sai. @ $ r#all- miss m- 'amil-!!!A ;# ha. t#ars in his #-#s! $ %#nt

o(#r an. put m- han.s on his shoul.#rs! $ hugg#. him as h# %#pt as %#

both %#pt! W# sta-#. lik# that 'or long minut#s!!!

Chapt#r 7our

$ can imagin# t%o r#actions to $saac! =ith#r a p#rson as $ .i. coul. s##

in $saac th# truth o' his o%n 'ragil# n##. to b# lo(#. %hich $saac

%ithout sham# l#t th# %orl. s## an. lo(# him 'or it9 or a p#rson coul.s#ns# it an. hat# $saac 'or r#min.ing th#m that inst#a. o' st##l it %as

onl- pap#r prot#cting th#ir h#art! $ trul- '#lt lo(# 'or $saac at that

mom#nt an. '#lt pri(il#g#. to shar# %ith him that truth o' b#ing human!

7unn- %ith all th# sup#r'icial #motional transactions usuall- making up

th# .a- $ thought ho% rar# it %as to b# simpl- nak#.l- human %ith

anoth#r! Wh#n #ls# .o#s that happ#n .uring s#< No * that %# ha(#

s#parat#. 'rom th# r#st o' our humanit-! h# soul th#-2(# ripp#. out o'

s# or (ic#*(#rsa * th# sci#ntists! nc# thr## big m-st#ri#s #nnobl#. th#small li'# o' Man ? D#ath ,o(# an. :#! nc# %# ha. but a (#r-

limit#. control o(#r th#s# an. so o' n#c#ssit- submitt#. to th#ir

inscrutabl# %a-s %orshipp#. th#m #(#n! o.a- in a soci#t- obs#ss#.

%ith control p#opl# #p#ct orgasms to arri(# on cu# th# abilit- to %ill

s#ual attraction an. satis'action at a %him! W# g#t 'rustrat#. %h#n

bo.- an. min. r#'us# to b#n. to our t-rannical .#man.s9 lik# #(il kings

'urious that our .#cr##s ar# ignor#. %# 'orc# our bo.- to ob#- %ith

pills an. ch#micall- in.uc#. r#actions i' n#c#ssar-! No long#r .o#s s#ha(# to b# m#.iat#. through such things as our consci#nc# or #motional

s#l' ins#- an. Co ha(# sho%n s# as a ph-siological ph#nom#non !

$2m sur# man- look 'or%ar. to th# .a- %h#n sci#nc# %ill .o th# sam#

'or lo(# an. %# can turn our a''#ctions on an. o'' lik# a light*s%itch

no% in.i''#r#nc# no% =ros r#gar.l#ss o' our @r#alA '##lings 'or a



p#rson! $ kn#% a gu- that popp#. (iagra to ha(# s# %ith %om#n 'or

-#ars b#'or# h# cam# out as ga-! ;# manag#. 'or a%hil# at l#ast to

.i(orc# his s#ualit- 'rom th# r#st o' hims#l' 'rom his humanit- 'rom

his ps-ch# his soul! >ut (i#%#. .ispassionat#l- sci#nti'icall- %hat is

s# but t#nsion an. orgasmic r#l#as#< ,o(ing liking or #(#n b#ingattract#. to th# p#rson is irr#l#(ant! :# must bo% .o%n an. ob#- us or

br#ak Mast#rs an. Johnson pro(#. in laborator- s#tting that orgasm

can b# %ill#. sol#l- b- ph-sical manipulation! o.a-2s p#rson2

#motionall- .issipat#. an. imaginati(#l- crippl#. almost %holl-

i.#nti'i#s s# %ith orgasm m#r# orgasm r#l#gating th# =rotic to a kin.

o' unn#c#ssar- 'or#pla- at most! h# human bo.- is just anoth#r tool to

b# us#.! 7or pl#asur# o' cours# %hat #ls#< $solat#. 'rom all oth#r

human #p#ri#nc# to h#ll %ith intimac- it can b# b-pass#.! W# canabstract th# #rotic 'rom th# r#st o' li'# an. k##p it in a s#parat# jar along

%ith our .ignit- o' b#ing! :ci#ntists ha(# torn ph-sical lo(# out o'

human cont#t kill#. its m#aning an. thro%n it on a col. laborator-

tabl# to b# .iss#ct#.!

/n. -#t lat#r $ %oul. 'orsak# $saac 'or th# promis#. sun that li#s at th#

bottom o' a %oman2s b#ing that is h#r bo.-! $n th# #n. that h#at onl-

s#r(#. to illuminat# th# glacial +ualit- o' m- o%n soul! h# onl- thing I

have #(#r touch#. is th# col. br#ath 'rom m- o%n .-ing r#'l#ction!

hat .a- $saac tol. m# about hims#l'! ;#2. gro%n up in =nglan. as

som# sort o' bur#aucrat %ithin a comput#r 'irm! /ppar#ntl- h# %as 'ir#.

'or s#ual miscon.uct! ;# sa-s an. $ b#li#(# him h# %as %rongl-

accus#.! ;# #(#n hint#. that h# susp#ct#. som# sort o' conspirac- to

'ram# him! ;# su#. 'or his job back but lost th# cas#! /'t#r that h#

mo(#. back in %ith his moth#r an. b#gan taking night class#s to b#com#

a la%-#r! /lthough $ got th# impr#ssion sh# %as a bit 'lak#- th# artistichippi# t-p# an. practicall- his opposit# $saac an. his moth#r %#r# (#r-

clos#! ;is 'ath#r an abusi(# alcoholic %ho ran a%a- %ith anoth#r

%oman %h#n h# %as just an in'ant h# coul.n2t r#m#mb#r! ;# b#cam#

obs#ss#. %ith la%! ;# took com'ort in it! ,a% is simpl# no m-st#ri#s!

=(#n i' it b#com#s complicat#. at tim#s con(olut#. or obscur# th# ,a%



pla-s b- a s#t o' basic rul#s an. #(#r- .##. can b# ju.g#. accor.ingl-

.#'initi(#l-! $n th# #n. #(#r-thing 'its into on# o' thr## cat#gori#s?

uilt- not guilt- or innoc#nt! $saac %as innoc#nt! r at l#ast not guilt-!

:o it %as %ith th# gr#at#st o' iron- ho%#(#r that h# %as in 'act n#arl-

crippl#. %ith '##lings o' guilt! $saac %as 'or#(#r p#nit#nt 'or#(#rapologi3ing to a non#ist#nt ju.g# 'or a non#ist#nt crim#! h# 'ault la-

not in th# ,a% but in th# imp#r'#ct natur# o' th# Ju.g#! h# s#nt#nc#

alas pro(#. to b# all to r#al! o him this %as %h- h# %as h#r# in this

plac# * to b# punish#. an. although h# .i. not sa- so $ susp#ct that h#

assum#. this to b# tru# 'or th# r#st o' us as %#ll!

E#all- %ith s#ual miscon.uct on his r#cor. $ .on2t kno% ho% h#

hop#. to #(#r %ork in his 'i#l. again! With on# 'als# accusation $saac

ha. lost all claim to trust or .#c#nc- 'or th# r#st o' his li'#! ;o%

pr#carious our innoc#nc# !!! ho% illusor- too! $t happ#n#. lat# on# night

nos#*.##p in a ,a%*book that h# .ri't#. o''! Wh#n h# a%ok# h# 'oun.

hims#l' h#r#! Just %hat la%*book %as h# r#a.ing< ;# claim#. not to

r#m#mb#r! "#rhaps th# ,a%s o' .iss#r(ic#!

7or th# n#t coupl# .a-s $ shut .o%n lik# a comput#r task#. %ith an

insolubl# probl#m 'ro3#n in impass#! Wh#n things .on2t mak# s#ns#

%hich is al%a-s #c#pt .uring .r#ams %h#n #(#n th# most irrational o'horrors s##ms natural an. in#(itabl# th# min. gro%s %#ar- o' tumbling

o(#r th# improbabl# 'acts o' #ist#nc# so it curls up in th# rut o' habit

an. sl##ps ! $ n##.#. a n#% rut this %ak#'uln#ss %as a bit o' m#tallic

bright t#rror burro%#. inch .##p in th# so't 'l#sh o' m- #-#! You .on2t

un.#rstan. th# horror o' m- situation!!!m- (ision r#stl#ss p##ring into

th# immaculat# nothingn#ss s#arching 'or som# shap# or m#r# sha.o%

in th# .ull glo%!!!nothing! Di33in#ss! $ turn to th# groun.!!! at l#ast it %as

som#thing soli. r#al! h# light %oul. 'a.# to an aching gra- th#n a blin.ing blank glar# %ithin th# hour constantl- shi'ting %ithout .#sign

or r#ason! What $ thought o' as night might b# a sha.# .ark#r! Ma-b# it

%as m- imagination!!!ma-b# it all %as m- imagination!!! h# .#sp#rat#

att#mpt o' a 'ractur#. consciousn#ss to r#concil# th# %orl. into coh#r#nt

narrati(#! /%ak#!!!li'# bl#. #bbing a%a- 'rom th# t%o li'#l#ss orbs .ark



br#ak! / .r#am- smil# on his roun. l#ath#r- moon o' a 'ac# lin#. %ith

man- har. -#ars a larg# h#a. stuck on a toothpick n#ck9 protru.ing #ars

coars# .irt- %hisk#rs 'orming an impr#ssi(# bristling long goat##

ch##ks hairl#ss! ;# %or# a cr#am color#. skull cap a ratt- thin (#st

b#n#ath %hich $ coul. s## his #maciat#. ch#st an. torn orang# shorts! No sho#s! ;# must2(# b##n in his s#(#nti#s a bo.- tann#. stunt#. -#t

som#ho% tough lik# j#rk-! $t surpris#. m# s##ing a gu- that ag# up

th#r#! Just th#n h# sa% m# an. a hug# chil.lik# grin brok# out on his

'ac# h# b#gan %a(ing 'ranticall- th#n sli. .o%n th# slop# in a running

trot %ith his rock rolling b#hin.! ;# cam# right up to m# an. stoo. th#r#

smiling! :taring at m#! h# top o' his h#a. onl- r#ach#. m- ch#st!

@;#llo! $2m Jon!A $ (olunt##r#.!

;# no..#. amicabl- an. th#n took m- han. shaking it #cit#.l-!

@Chuang Chuang M- nam# Chuang! H#r- %#lcom# to m##t A ;#

k#pt on shaking m- han.!

;a $ ha. to smil# h# %as so!!!goo'-! /n. happ-!

@Chuang! k! Chuang! Nic# to m##t -ou! :o!!!uh!!! ho%2s things

going <A

;# %ait#. a minut# b#'or# ans%#ring as i' r#all- thinking about it th#n

shrugg#. his shoul.#rs an. smil#. %il.l- @H#r- goo.A

Wo%! $ 'oun. m-s#l' giggling! @/ll right! oo.! hat2s

goo.!!!so!!!-ou2r# just!!!rolling th# ol. boul.#r #h<A

@/h Y#s h# boul.#r! h# boul.#r is roll (#r- goo.A ;# sai. no..ing

#nthusiasticall-!

What a pl#asant '#llo%!

@W#ll that2s goo. to h#ar! $!!!uh!!!just arri(#.! :#(#ral .a-s ago!A

;# shook his h#a. @H#r goo.A



>o- $ lo(#. this gu-2s attitu.#! 7or his ag# h#ll 'or m- ag# h# %as

a%'ull- #n#rg#tic a spr- littl# gu-!

@Wh#n .i. -ou com# h#r#<A $ ask#.!

;# lo%#r#. his h#a. .##p in thought mumbling @com# h#r#!!!com#

h#r#!!!$ com# h#r#!!!long tim#! Man- -#ars!A

@Y#ars Christ! E#all-< Must b# har. to t#ll! ;o% man- -#ars .o -ou

kno% about<A

@/h man- -#ars! $ com# h#r# man- -#ars! =(#r- .a- 'or long -#ars!A

@W#ll ho% ol. %#r# -ou %h#n 'irst -ou arri(#.<A

@h!!!$ %as!!!&)A ;# look#. at m# s##mingl- pl#as#. h# coul.

r#m#mb#r!

&)< &) ;ol- shit hat2s insan# @What< &)< /r# -ou sur#< &)<A $

ask#. him!

;# no..#. (oci'#rousl- @&) &) Y#s $ com# h#r#!A

oo. ,or. ;#2s b##n h#r# 'or .#ca.#s /n. $2m just no% &) Damn!

h#r#2s no %a- in h#ll $ coul. last 40 -#ars in this plac#! ;#ll th#r#2s no

%a- $ coul. last 40 -#ars an-%h#r# but still!!!! /lthough h# .i. s##m in

b#tt#r shap# than W#rth an. m# as %#ll 'or that matt#r! $ ha. to a.mit

th# boul.#r rolling ha. .on# %on.#rs 'or his muscl# ton#! /n. outlook!

:is-phus al%a-s struck m# as such a sa. '#llo% but this gu- %as all

smil#s

;# stoo. th#r# #-#s glist#ning! $t s##m#. %#2. run out o' con(#rsation!

h#n h# b#gan to %alk in short +uick st#ps an. motion#. 'or m# to'ollo%! h# mist part#. an. %# cam# upon a man /sian m#.itating

cross l#gg#. against his ston#! ;is ag# %as impossibl# to t#ll9 mi.*

'orti#s< :ha(#. h#a.! /lmon. shap#. #-#s hal' clos#. .o%ncast! Wi.#

nos# thin bloo.l#ss lips smooth bab-*'ac#. skin! nl- his 'or#h#a.

ag#. %ith %rinkl#s b#tra-#. his ag#! Eob#. in luurious 'ol.s o' orang#



an. gol. unmo(ing an. authoritati(# as an anci#nt =g-ptian p-rami.! /

tim#l#ss man! Chuang .isapp#ar#. into th# mist l#a(ing m# alon# %ith

th# monk! Within minut#s h# r#turn#. %ith a han.'ul o' crumpl#. mush!

h# monk look#. up at him %ith a thin smil# an. pull#. a plain %oo.#n

bo%l 'rom out un.#r his rob#s! Chuang scrap#. th# bro%n*black stu'' o'' his han. into th# bo%l! h# man %a(#. his arm in.icating us to sit

.o%n! W# .i. so! ;is cl#ar gra- #-#s m#t min# an. h# bo%#. #(#r so

slightl- th#n b#gan to #at %ith his 'ing#rs! Chuang tugg#. on m- sl##(#!

@his man is nam# Mahāk āś-apa!A

@h h#llo!!!M- nam# is Jon! $2m n#% h#r#! What %as -our nam#

again<A

;# 'inish#. th# 'oo. s%irling his 'ing#r in th# bo%l to mak# sur# h#2.

got it all! h# bo%l .isapp#ar#. into his rob#s! aking his tim# h# spok#

calml- #ach s-llabl# .ri'ting g#ntl- in th# air as i' couch#. in '#ath#r!

;# look#. .ir#ctl- at m# @Mahāk āś-apa!A $ %ait#. 'or him to continu#

but h# .i.n2t h# just h#l. m- ga3# in #+uanimit- communicating a

pro'oun. .#pth o' oc#anic tran+uilit-! $t uns#ttl#. m# a littl#!

@$2m th# n#% gu-! Jon!A ;# sat still! $ continu#. @$t might tak# m# som#

tim# to g#t that nam#!!!A ;# turn#. to Chuang pr#ss#. his han.stog#th#r in pra-#r an. no..#. grat#'ull-! Chuang ros# an. bo%#.

sol#mnl- at th# %aist! h# monk shi't#. slightl- r#st#. his ga3# back

onto som# in(isibl# spot on th# groun. an. r#sum#. his m#.itation his

'ac# as blank an. #pr#ssionl#ss as th# ston# upon %hich h# l#an#.

against!

@ !k! W# go Mahāk āś-apa is (#r- goo. H#r- hol- man Man o'

p#ac# (#r- hol- (#r- %is#! oo.!A/s %# %alk#. Chuang an. $ spok#! $ ask#. him i' h# %as th# 'irst on#

h#r#! $ %as tr-ing to #stablish som# kin. o' tim# lin# just to ori#nt

m-s#l'! /'t#r all us mo.#rns ar# such cr#atur#s o' histor- an. %ith th#

monotonous non*%#ath#r $ '#lt .isori#nt#. li(ing c-clicall-! $ %ant#. a

b#ginning an. a pr#sum#. #n. !



;# ans%#r#. @ h Y#s! Man- -#ar! h#n Mahāk āś-apa com#! ;# is

h#r# man- -#ar too! >ut m# th# most th#n h# long#st!A

@Who #ls#<A

$t %as bi3arr# %an.#ring through that (#il o' soli. light $ 'ocus#. on

m- '##t oth#r%is# $ 'oun. m-s#l' g#tting .i33- an. a bit naus#ous! $n

that atmosph#r# our (oic#s soun.#. mu''l#. .is#mbo.i#.!

@/'t#r Mahāk āś-apa com#A Chuang %#nt on @ man- -#ar pass! $ %as

(#r- (#r- happ- h# com#! /'t#r man- -#ar!!!h#ophan com#! h#n not

too man- -#ar lat#r W#rth! $saac n#t! h#n!!!not long Wol'gang! No

'irst Marc#l th#n Wol'gang! h#n ,#na!!!=ug#n# an. -ou! h#- all com#

(#r- +uick! /n. no% t%o mor# com# soon!A

@:o inclu.ing m# ho% man- ar# %#<A

@7or man- long tim# onl- m# an. Mahāk āś-apa 'or (#r- long! h#n

h#ophan! No% s#(#n oth#r com# mor#!A

@#n! hat2s t#n! :o th#r# ar# 10 o' us inclu.ing m#<A

;# no..#. %ith a high*pitch#. giggl#!

@;o% .o -ou kno% t%o mor# ar# coming<A

@%o mor#! otal is t%#l(#! %#l(# ston#s 'or t%#l(# p#opl#! %o

ston#s #mpt- o' p#opl#!A

@h#r# ar# t%#l(# ston#s< h#- s##m to b# all th# sam# si3#! $t2s

ob(ious th#-2r# arti'icial! :om#on# put th#m h#r#! $ m#an i' this isn2t a

.r#am it has to b# an int#ntional s#t*up!A@/l%a-s .r#amA Chuang laugh#.! $ notic#. h# onl- ha. t%o or thr##

t##th l#'t! ;# sa% m- con'us#. #pr#ssion an. b#cam# s#rious! ;#

stopp#. %alking an. sai. @h#r# is (#r- anci#nt stor- %# t#ll 'rom

huang i aoist scriptur#! $ m#mori3# it sa- an. Marc#l translat# it 'or

m# into b#auti'ul =nglish!A ;# gath#r#. hims#l' looking sk-%ar. an.



th#n spok# %ith a 'lui. musicalit- sacr#. an. sol#mn? @$t sa- ‘nc#

upon tim# $ huang i .r#amt $ %as butt#r'l- 'lutt#ring hith#r an.

thith#r to all int#nts an. purpos#s a butt#r'l-! $ %as conscious onl- o'

'ollo%ing m- 'anci#s as butt#r'l- an. %as unconscious o' m-

in.i(i.ualit- as a man! :u..#nl- $ a%ok# an. th#r# $ la- m-s#l' again! No% $ .o not kno% %h#th#r $ %as th#n a man .r#aming $ %as a

butt#r'l- or %h#th#r $ am no% a butt#r'l- .r#aming that $ am no% a

man!2A Chuang %atch#. m# car#'ull- to s## i' $ ha. un.#rstoo.!

Normall- $2. think it ri.iculous but looking at that jo-'ul littl# man th#

(#r- portrait o' contrit# simplicit- $ r#all- coul. b#li#(# h# %#r# a

pro.uct o' som# butt#r'l-2s .r#am slumb#ring p#ac#'ull- on th#

cushion#. p#tals o' a 'abulous 'i#r-*color#. 'lo%#r!

@hat2s b#auti'ul Chuang! hank*-ou 'or sharing it %ith m#!A Just b#ing

aroun. him ha. tam#. m- ani#ti#s an. bucking '#ars! h# t#rribl#

cutting %in.s o' .iss#nsion %ithin m- soul abat#. an. $ sa% a

mom#ntar- 'lash o' %hat s#r#nit- must b#! / b#auti'ul t#rribl# gi't ha.

b##n b#sto%#. upon m# 'or no% that $ kn#% such a thing #ist#. $

coul. not 'ail to s##k it out9 unl#ss $ chos# to b#tra- its truth!

Chapt#r 7i(#

h# n#t coupl# .a-s $ isolat#. m-s#l'! h# p#ac# $ '#lt in Chuang2s

pr#s#nc# ha. not trans'orm#. m# but it coul. i' $ submitt#. m-s#l' to its

in'lu#nc#! $ b#gan taking this plac# s#riousl-! $t2s ama3ing ho% +uickl-

%# can a.apt an. b#com# a.opt#. b- a caus# or purpos# #(#n i' hi..#n

'rom us! $n 'act $ '#lt mor# com'ortabl# h#r# than that oth#r (icious

as-lum call#. r#al li'#! ;#r# things %#r# simpl#! No sch#.ul#s .i(i.ing

m# into tin- tim#'ram#s o' p#r'ormanc# no boss cl#a(ing a%a- m-

humanit- in th# nam# o' 'unctionalit- no %om#n scaring m- h#art %ith

'l#sh*burns o' .#sir#! No puss- no hop#! $t %as %on.#r'ul it %as'r##.om! 7r##.om 'rom hop#! Without hop# $ %as 'orc#. to li(# in th#

pr#s#nt! h# 'utur# %hich %ith absur. .#lusion $ al%a-s tri#. to

in'lu#nc# %as so n#bulous h#r# that $ l#t it go! ;#r# im# that ob#s#

hulking t#rror crush#. m# onl- slightl-! No r#sponsibilit-! ;#lpl#ss to

.o an-thing no on# ma.# an- .#man.s upon m#! $ %as 'r## simpl- to



b#! $ m#ntion this b#caus# lat#r $ 'oun. m-s#l' among Marc#l an.

Chuang! $ ha. ask#. about aoism an. Chuang to illustrat# on# o' its

asp#cts tol. a stor- about an ugl- us#l#ss tr## %hich sur(i(#s to ol. ag#

b#caus# its %oo. has no appar#nt (alu# %hil# th# -oung#r mor#

attracti(# tr##s ar# cut .o%n 'or 'urnitur# an. %oo.%ork! Marc#l la3il-l#an#. against his boul.#r arms cross#. thinking about %hat Chuang

ha. just sai.! $ sat on th# crack#. #arth looking up at Chuang!

@Y#a<!!!that2s int#r#sting!!!A $ sai. @ th# onl- probl#m is that most p#opl#

%anna b# us#.2 -ou kno%!A Chuang ga(# a +ui33ical look!

@W#ll $ m#an thos# tr##s that got cut .o%n th#- at l#ast s#r(#. a

purpos#! ,ik# #(#n lo(ing som#on# or li(ing 'or a gr#at#r purpos#!!!'or

anoth#r p#rson #(#n lik# -our ki.s!!!or a caus#!A

@>ut 'rom a aoist p#rsp#cti(#A Marc#l spok# up @-ou %oul.n2t th#n

b# li(ing naturall-! You %oul. b# .i(i.#. b#t%##n that thing an. -our

o%n s#l' unl#ss naturall- * purpos# b#ing a b-pro.uct o' li(ing

naturall-* %ithout an- conscious #''ort or #(#n kno%l#.g# on our part

it simpl- happ#n#.! $t is th# i.#a o' #''ortl#ssn#ss! aoism b#li#(#s

action ought to 'lo% spontan#ousl- 'rom on#2s o%n natur# %ithout

arti'ic# or constricting i.#olog-!AWol'gang app#ar#. 'rom out th# 'og stan.ing a littl# apart list#ning!

@$ gu#ssA $ sai. still not con(inc#. @:till it s##ms a 'airl- m#aningl#ss

#ist#nc# to li(# %ithout an- purpos# at all!A

Chuang spok# up @>#ing is purpos#! What purpos# o' 'lo%#r< r -ou<

># as natur# 'ollo% #''ortl#ss oa! /ll thing balanc# b- naturall-!A

E#all- to m# it soun.#. lik# n#%*ag# bull but coming 'rom Chuang it.i. carr- som# authorit-!

Marc#l ma.# to sp#ak but just th#n =ug#n# sho%#. up looking %orn but

.#t#rmin#. lik# a man %#ar- o' li(ing but imbu#. %ith an inborn

courag# to k##p on! ;is 'ac# as al%a-s %as .ra%n sharp an. s#rious!



/ man stoo. at his si.# #l.#rl- #arl- siti#s a bit o' a hunchback

sho%ing un.#r his black rob# that s%#pt th# groun.! / massi(# ornat#

sil(#r cruci'i hung aroun. his bullish n#ck! ;# ha. a %i.# nos# larg#

li+ui. bro%n att#nti(# #-#s that %#r# tir#. an. s-mpath#tic o(#r %hich

t%o bush- bro%s pr#si.#.! /n unk#mpt o(#rgro%n .irt- gra- b#ar.co(#r#. th# lo%#r hal' o' his %i.# 'ac# an. conn#ct#. to his unrul- hair

'raming his s+uar# 'ac# man#*lik# all topp#. b- a black c-lin.rical

pillar hat!

;# h#l. out a m#at- chopp#. han. 'or m# to shak#! $ took it! ;# s##m#.

to carr- %ithin som#thing %#ight- tragic but t#mp#r#. b- g#nuin#

humilit-! h# man an. Chuang #mbrac#. b#'or# taking a plac# ami.st

th# circl# %# ha. all 'orm#. spontan#ousl- aroun. th# 'ir#! $ %on.#r#.

%hat m-stical thing call#. us to spontan#ousl- 'orm this circular shap#<

;# pull#. out a 'airl- larg# triangular polish#. mahogan- bo %ith

copp#r hing#s op#n#. it an. as i' h# %#r# han.ing out communion

plac#. a lump o' crush#. mush into all o' our out str#tch#. han.s! W#

took it in sil#nc#! $ ha.n2t #(#n thought about %h#r# our 'oo. cam#

'rom! $ sho(#. it into m- mouth! $t ha. a strang# t#tur# a moist mush

%ith bits o' string- .r- strips o' som#thing hop#'ull- plant mat#rial! $t

%asn2t 'illing an. hung#r p#rp#tuall- b#gg#. our att#ntion!

/'t#r %# ha. all #at#n th# man intro.uc#. hims#l' prop#r @M- nam# is

h#ophan! $2(# b##n looking 'or%ar. to m##ting -ou!A

@$2m Jon!A ;is larg# h#a. bo%#. in gr##ting!

h#ophan sat .o%n an. %# all 'ollo%#. suit# #c#pt 'or =ug#n# %ho

.isapp#ar#. into th# mist as soon as h# ha. gott#n his 'oo.! Marc#l stoo.

aloo' l#aning against his rock! $ look#. aroun.! Wol'gang an. Chuang

sat si.# b- si.# Wol'gang strait as a ro. Chuang a bit hunch#. o(#r both att#nti(#! $ notic#. ho% thin Chuang2s l#gs %#r# %h#r# th#- stuck

out o' his %orn shorts! $n th# c#nt#r th# 'ir#! $ %atch#. th# pal# 'lam#s

lick th# air! No h#at nor illumination #scap#. its ra.ianc#! /ppar#ntl- it

ha. b##n th#r# 'rom th# b#ginning! h#ophan assum#. th# c#nt#r o'

att#ntion! Normall- %h#n#(#r a group 'orms a natural p#cking or.#r



#stablish#s its#l'! $ still ha.n2t 'igur#. it out but $ thought h#ophan

might b# to%ar.s th# top! $saac la- on his si.# la3il- scratching circl#s

in th# groun. %ith his 'ing#r nail! W# sta-#. +ui#t lik# that until W#rth

shu''l#. up on th# sc#n#! W# h#ar. him %h##3ing as h# got clos#r! ;is

bo.- hop#l#ssl- crippl#. an. misshap#n! $ %on.#r#. i' it caus#. himmuch pain! ;# must not ha(# b##n #ntir#l- blin. b#caus# h# %#nt

aroun. th# circl# in #cruciating h#sitant st#ps han.ing out a h#'t-

.#a. shin- black l##ch 'rom his pouch to #ach o' us! ,or. th#- %#r#

.isgusting! / tail at on# #n. $ insp#ct#. its @h#a.A at th# oth#r %hich

%as #-#l#ss .istinguish#. sol#l- b- a slit 'or a mouth! h#r# %as

som#thing a+uatic s%ampish an. pr#historic about th#m! $saac pass#.

aroun. a small p#ncil*lik# stick h# k#pt sharp#n#.! Wh#n it got to m# $

pok#. it into th# things mouth t#aring th# 'l#sh o''! $ %as horri'i#. tos## that it hi. hun.r#.s o' tin- point#. t##th ro%s upon ro%s o' th#m! $'

$ coll#ct#. #nough $ coul. probabl- som#ho% put tog#th#r a %#apon! r

a tool! h#n $ pok#. th# stick into a small in.#nt to%ar. its h#a. h#l. it

o(#r m- mouth clos#. m- #-#s %#nt to a happ- plac# an. %rapp#. m-

crack#. lips aroun. th# slim- thing suckling its juic#s! $ pl#.g#. 'rom

th#n on to start tipping %hor#s 'or h#a.! E#all- it ha. no tast# or so it

s##m#. to m# p#rp#tual thirst .r-ing out m- tast# bu.s som#%hat!

7inish#. $ pass#. th# stick on to h#ophan %ho %as th# last to partak#!W#rth m#an%hil# sat on th# boul.#r b#si.#s Marc#l l#aning o(#r %ith

his long bon- han.s .angling la3il- o(#r his kn##s %hich pok#. out

un.#r his long thin rob#! W# #ach thr#% our .iscar.#. l##ch#s into th#

'ir# %hich s%allo%#. th#m in sil#nc# gi(ing no smok# or soun.! $

%atch#. h#ophan! ;# br#ath#. .##pl- %ith som# #''ort as i' th# air

%#r# thick %ith particl#s! ;is .ark coars# 'ac# s##m#. strain#. a glint

o' .#spair shon# in his #-#! / .##p sigh #scap#. his thicks#t lips an. h#

sai. to no on# in particular %hil# staring .##p into th# .ark orang#

groun. that r#min.#. m# o' Mars or /ri3ona @$ h#ar. -our talk! $ lik#.%hat -ou sai. Chuang about th# purpos# o' a 'lo%#r! $t r#min.#. m# o'

som#thing!A ;is (oic# %as tir#. sa. simpl# an. r#'l#cti(#!

;# look#. up into all o' our 'ac#s to s## i' %# %#r# pa-ing att#ntion th#n

look#. a%a- to r#m#mb#r an. sai. @ >#hol. th# 'o%ls o' th# air? 'or



th#- so% not n#ith#r .o th#- r#ap nor gath#r into barns9 -#t -our

h#a(#nl- 7ath#r '##.#th th#m! /r# -# not much b#tt#r than th#-<2

Matth#% 6?&6!A

Chuang thought .##pl- 'or a mom#nt th#n slo%l- sai. @Y#s!!!is goo.!!!itis (#r- (#r2 goo.! h# ao '##. us! h# oa is 'ath#r to us! $s moth#r to

all! Y#s $ think (#r- goo.A @$ think Christ is th# oa m- 'ri#n.A

h#ophan r#spon.#. thought'ull- looking at Chuang %ith lo(# in his

#-#s! h# %or.s '#ll h#a(- to th# groun. an. la- th#r# lik# .#a. 'ish

.#ca-ing into th# #arth!

@No% -ou2r# a aoist< $ hop# -ou2r# not losing 'aith 7ath#r! Chuang

hasn2t con(#rt#. -ou has h#<A ,#aning against a boul.#r Marc#l %as

asking h#ophan looking .o%n at him casuall-!

@h %#ll $2(# ha. man- a goo. con(#rsation %ith Chuang h#r#! H#r-

#nlight#ning! $ am no #p#rt or philosoph#r -ou kno% nor so #.ucat#.

as -ou Marc#l but $2. sa- th# ao %hich m#ans th# Wa-2< Y#s

Chuang<A Chuang no..#.! @W#ll th#n th# oa to m- %a- o' thinking

is #+ui(al#nt to th# ,ogos an. Christ th# ph-sical mani'#station o' th#

oa! :o th# ao %#nt 'rom b#ing an imp#rsonal 'orc# b#'or# Christ to a

p#rsonal 'orc# in th# p#rson o' ur ,or.! :uch is m- thinking an-ho%! $.o kno% that %h#n th# bibl# is translat#. into Chin#s# th# %or. KaoK is

us#. to #pr#ss th# conc#pt o' Wor.2 or ,ogos!2A h#ophan thought

'or a mom#nt stroking his b#ar. th#n turn#. to Chuang @$n 'act %hat

%as that +uot# -ou tol. m# th# oth#r .a-< 7rom th# aoist scriptur#< Do

-ou r#m#mb#r<A $ notic#. h#ophan spok# %ith a slight =ast#rn

=urop#an acc#nt! Chuang took a s#con. pulling on his strait point#.

b#ar. @/h -#s $ r#m#mb#r! $s ,ao 3u sa- ? ;# %ho tak# upon s#l'

sins o' %orl. $s ing o' %orl.!2A

h#ophan no..#. his h#a. sag#l- his bush- #-#bro%s rais#. @/n. so

Christ is hat is (#r- int#r#sting (#r-!!! :triking r#all- that a man coul.

com# up %ith such %is.om %ithout ai. o' r#(#lation b- m#ans o'

intuition alon# ,oa 3u!!! as 'ar as m#r# human philosoph- can go



unin'orm#. b- r#(#lation b- o. an. his #missari#s aoism must b#

th# gr#at#st philosophic achi#(#m#nt #(#r accomplish#. b- man A

Chuang b#am#. a toothl#ss grin his 'ac# scrunch#. up into a ball o'

%rinkl#. .#light! h#ophan continu#. @>ut $ m#ant th# po#m that %#%ork#. on! $n it Marc#l is th# conc#pt o' th# trinit-! Wh#n Chuang

r#cit#. this to m# $ %as trul- ama3#.! W# practic#. r#citing it 'or .a-s! $

h#lp#. him sa- it in =nglish prop#r! Do -ou r#call th# on# $ m#an< /bout

th# thr##! #ll th#m! $t is som# %on.#r'ul (#rs#!A

Chuang2s 'ac# b#cam# (#r- s#rious as h# conc#ntrat#. to r#cit# th#

passag# in corr#ct =nglish @,ao 3u %rit# hol- book ao # Ching! $t

sa- ?

@h# hr## pro.uc# all thing!A

h# hr## acting as n#!

n# not acting %ithout th# th#rs!

h# ria. contain its#l' in p#r'#ction 7or it is th# 'irst that surpass#s th#

.-a.! $t li# b#-on. th# .ualit- o' matt#r

' subj#ct an. obj#ct

' s#l' an. oth#r!

h# ria. is b#-on. .istinction o' th# on# an. th# man-9 $t p#r'#ction go

b#-on. th# multiplicit- o' %hich .ualit- is th# root!

%o is th# numb#r that s#parat#s

hr## is th# numb#r that transc#n.s all s#paration!

h# on# an. th# man- 'in. th#ms#l(#s gath#r#. tog#th#r in th# hr##

7or th# ria. b#ing man- is also a Fnit-?

Not a unit- o' s#l'*absorption but o' ,o(#!



h# Min. spok# through ;is chil. th# Wor.

/n. at ;is >r#ath th#r# app#ar#. th# multitu.# o' spirits!2A

/ rasping %hisp#r @$t2s b#auti'ul!A hiss#. 'rom W#rth2s lips!

$ .i.n2t un.#rstan. it but 'or th# trinit- to b# m#ntion#. in an anci#nt

aoist t#t %as r#markabl#! 7or all that h#ophan2s #-#s a't#r an initial

'lush o' ra.ianc# s##m#. to .im .ull#. b- an inn#r .#spair! $n 'act

%h#n h# talk#. it %as as i' h# %#r# talking to hims#l' ! ;# .i.n2t s##m

s#l'*contain#. #actl- but n#ith#r .i. h# s##m th# t-p# that n##.#.

oth#rs such as $saac!

h#ophan spok# looking up at Marc#l @/stonishing is it not<A

@$t is intriguing! Curious! H#r- curious! ' cours# man- not all but

man- ha(# #toll#. th# numb#r thr## 'or its m-stical signi'icanc# but

$2(# n#(#r +uit# h#ar. such a sophisticat#. #planation o' its spiritual

'unction! $ %ill c#rtainl- think on it!A sai. Marc#l han.s 'ol.#.

b#gru.gingl- ackno%l#.ging its importanc#! Ma-b# $ misju.g#. Marc#l

p#rhaps it %as not arroganc# or .is.ain that stain#. his sp##ch but a

supr#m# .isint#r#st o' th# %orl.! / .#'#ns# against th# %ailing gna%ing

ani#ti#s o' b#ing!

' cours# non# o' this actuall- h#lp#.!

@;o% long ha(# -ou b##n h#r#<A $ ask#. h#ophan!

@Y#ars! /t l#ast 5 ma-b# #(#n 6 or G!A ;# sai. it matt#r o' 'actl- as i'

h# %#r# compl#t#l- r#concil#. to his #il#!

=(#n though $ %as .#sp#rat# 'or ans%#rs an. aching 'rom unc#rtaint- $

ha.n2t a clu# %hat to ask or ho% to ask it! $ %ant#. to blurt out @Wh-<*What<!!!;o%<!!! ught $ to b# .oing som#thing< 7or %hat purpos#<

/n. %h#r#<A

Chuang spok# up @$ think %# l#a(# soon .#'init#l-!A



@ :oon< You think< ;o% .o -ou kno%<A $saac sat up all o' a su..#n

int#r#st#.!

Chuang ans%#r#. @nl- t%o ston# l#'t! "#opl# com# soon#r an. soon#r

no% th#- com# (#r- +uickl-! :oon l#a(#! D#'init#l-!A

@;uh!!!A $saac mull#. it o(#r!

$ tri#. to 'ormulat# a us#'ul +u#stion but -#ars o' .isr#gar.ing

practicalit- ma.# it .i''icult! @:o an-on# ha(# a th#or- or som# i.#a o'

%hat might b# going on!!!<A $t %as lik# th# %or.s 'loat#.

a%a-!!!.issipat#. into th# (oi.!!!h# absur.it- o' it all!!!/s i' to li(# %ith

#(#n th# illusion o' .ignit- it ha. to b# ignor#. * th# s#ns#l#ssn#ss o' it

all!!!

$saac ma.# as i' h# %oul. sp#ak th#n '#ll sil#nt!

$ tri#. a s#con. tim# @$ m#an %hat2s th# .#al %ith th# rocks %h- %oul.

%# ha(# to roll th#m< $t mak#s no s#ns#!A

@You .on2t ha(# to roll th#m s##A $saac spok# up @-ou onl- n##. to b#

touching th#m! You ha(# to b# in contact %ith th# rock it .o#sn2t matt#r

i' -ou roll #m or not! Wh#n -ou los# contact that2s %h#n th# h#a(in#ss

com#s o(#r -ou!A

@! What .o#s that m#an<A $ ask#.!

@Noth2n! $2m just t#lling -ou!A ;# s##m#. a littl# hurt an. look#. a%a-!

Wol'gang stoo. up str#tching b#nt o(#r .ust#. o'' his slacks!

@W#ll r#all- $ .on2t think an- o' us kno% %hat2s happ#ningA his %or.s

st#a.- m#asur#. so't an. m#lli'luous @ $ can assur# -ou it .o#s not(#ntur# into th# cat#gori#s o' .#lusion or ps-chosis! No %hat#(#r is

happ#ning it is taking plac# in th# %orl.!A

@>ut %hat coul. #plain it<A $ ask#.



@h $ .on2t kno%!A ;# shrugg#. his shoul.#rs goo.*natur#.l-! @>ut $

.o %on.#r i' this littl# (all#- %# inhabit %asn2t cr#at#. b- th# impact o'

a m#t#orit#! $ am unin'orm#. o(#r much o' th# natural sci#nc#s but $ .o

s##m to r#call m#t#orit#s can ha(# tragic cons#+u#nc#s a''#cting th#

magn#tism o' c#rtain min#rals! W# .on2t kno% %hat kin. o' boul.#rsth#s# ar# though th#- look common #nough but p#rhaps th#- ar# #ith#r

imbu#. %ith a m#t#ors2 magn#tic in'lu#nc# or in 'act ar# pi#c#s o' th#

m#t#or its#l' =ith#r %a- $ cannot h#lp but %on.#r i' our bi3arr#

#p#ri#nc#s h#r# cannot som#ho% b# #plain#. b- this #sp#ciall- sinc#

%# s##m to b# ph-siologicall- a''#ct#. $saac m#ntion#. th# h#a(in#ss

an. l#tharg- that o(#rcom#s us onc# %# l#a(# th# groun. 'or th# slop#

%hich is n#utrali3#. som#ho% b- th# boul.#rs in'lu#nc# b- %a- o'

touch!!! Ma-b# %# ought to hop# th# n#t p#rson %ho app#ars b# asci#ntist or astronom#r -#s<A ;# ha. b##n %alking aroun. %hil#

talking no% h# stopp#. an. chuckl#. into his ch#st!

@hat r#all- .o#sn2t #plain an-thing!A $ sai.!

@h %#ll $ %as hoping to gi(# -ou som#thing to hol. on to! $ suppos#

-ou .on2t kno% an-thing about #arth magn#tism < No< hat2s too ba.! $t

is a m-st#r- th#n!A

@Y#a it2s a m-st#r- but still $ can2t b#li#(# -ou gu-s just go about -our

busin#ss not kno%ing %h- %#2r# h#r# or %hat2s going on!!!!it .o#sn2t

mak# -ou mis#rabl#<A @Mis#r- is a choic#!A Marc#l chim#. in cooll-!

@Y#s! $ gu#ss -our rightA $ sai. sarcasticall- @$ can al%a-s opt to b# an

unconc#rn#. i.iot inst#a.!A

@D#spair is a %a- o' li'#! h# ao o' .#spair -ou coul. sa-!A Marc#l

sai. #-#bro% cock#. g#tting Chuang2s att#ntion @You s## Chuang %#%#st#rn#rs also -#arn to go %ith th# 'lo%2 to #mbrac# natur# but our

arms ar# too brittl# an. th# %orl. too (olatil#! h# .#sir# 'or unit- an.

justic# %#lls up 'rom our b#ing but %# look aroun. an. s## no or.#r

onl- chaos9 justic# an. harmon- slip past our #mbrac# an. our poor



su''#ring int#ll#ct can grasp no oth#r principl# -#t %# still tr- to justi'-

this %orl. to 'in. loophol#s aroun. its irrationalit-!A

@Wor.s!A / strong r#strain#. (oic# b#hin. m# =ug#n#2s @hos# ar#

onl- %or.s!A Marc#l look#. up scratching his consi.#rabl# nos#! @Y#s$2(# notic#. -ou harbor abhorr#nc# 'or th# .#scripti(# li'#!A

@You Marc#l tr- to 'it a go. into -our %or.s! h# 'at#s %ill not b#

contain#. b- th#m an-mor# than th# oc#an %ill con.#sc#n. to moralit-!

Chuang is right to #mbrac# natur#!A @/h but th#r# is in th#

m#taph-sical s#ns# a %orl. o' .i''#r#nc# b#t%##n th# t%o o' -ou! /t

l#ast Chuang has r#cogni3abl# #thics .on2t -ou Chuang<A Chuang2s

%i3#n#. ol. 'ac# look#. con'us#.!

Marc#l #plain#. @Do#s not th# aoist practic# #thical con.uct< You

ha(# an #thical co.# .on2t -ou<A

@/h -#sA Chuang shook his h#a. @aoist #thic! h# oa is goo. bring

goo.n#ss! H#r- #thical!A

@Y#s %#ll coul. -ou t#ll us %hat thos# #thics ar# isn2t th#ir a aoist

(#rsion o' th# t#n comman.m#nts<A

Chuang h#sitat#. still not #actl- sur# %hat it %as Marc#l %ant#. @h#

hr## J#%#ls o' th# ao9 compassion mo.#ration an. humilit-! >#com#

on# %ith oa an. all thing balanc#! Natur# is balanc# no chaos!

=(#r-thing or.#r#. accor.ing to oa #(#r-thing balanc# out p#r'#ct! Yin

an. Yang p#r'#ct balanc#!A

@Y#s but ar#n2t th#r# things 'orbi..#n to th# aoist prohibitions< ,ook

Chuang $2m asking about moralit-!A

@h moralit-! Moralit- -#s! $n aoism huang 3i sa-s propon#nts o'

b#n#(ol#nc# an. moralit- ar# usuall- 'oun. at th# gat#s o' '#u.al lor.s

%ho ha(# stol#n th#ir king.oms!2A $ h#ar. =ug#n# snort b#hin. m#

.#risi(#l- an. sa- @:##< h#r# -ou go! >#si.#s all this talk!!! -ou2(#

b##n talking Marc#l sinc# $ got h#r#! Your no clos#r to un.#rstan.ing a



.am thing! $ .on2t kno% %hat th# h#lls going on h#r# but $ sur# as h#ll

.on2t #p#ct to g#t th# pictur# b- talking!A

Chuang l#ap#. to his '##t sa-ing @,oa 3u sa- 7org#t th# -#ars9 'org#t

.istinctions! ,#ap into th# boun.l#ss an. mak# it -our hom#2A With thath# bo%#. to all an. scuttl#. o''!

Wol'gang spok# up h# s##m#. amus#. @W#ll p#rhaps 'or no% %#

ought to uh susp#n. th# conc#pt o' th# +u#stion! $ +u#stion #(#r-thing

b#caus# $ happ#n to b# (#r- curious but still -ou .o ha(# a goo. point

=ug#n# %h- #(#r- tim# $ g#t an ans%#r it s##ms a hun.r#. mor#

+u#stions spring up ,ik# mushrooms 'rom a rott#n log!A

$ notic#. Wol'gang %as al%a-s r#conciling .isput#s!

@Wol'gang %hat is it -ou .o 'or a li(ing<A $ ask#.!

@$t is int#r#sting that %h#n -ou %ant to kno% mor# about a man -ou

in+uir# a't#r his pro'#ssion!!!%h- .o -ou think that is<!!!but h#r#<!!! ;#r#

$ am a pro'#ssional rock push#rA ;is littl# #-#s sparkl#. in his stout

'ac#! $ %on.#r#. ho% h# k#pt his littl# %hit# goat*t so n#at!

@You can al%a-s t#ll a shrink b#caus# th#- al%a-s ans%#r a +u#stion

%ith anoth#r +u#stion! h#- ha(# a phobia o' th# .#'initi(#! $t2s lik# an

actual con.ition right Doc<A / %oman2s (oic# M- h#a. t%ist#. b#hin.

stan.ing o(#r m# %as =ug#n# b#si.# him stoo. a girl :h# look#. .o%n

at m# a smil# a tin- mouth @;#- $2m ,#na!A

Chapt#r :i

An Angel In Nikes

$t is important -ou kno% that $ b#li#(# 'irml- in lo(# at 'irst sight9

though $ am mostl- accustom#. to r#j#ction at 'irst glanc# b- an-

'#mal# %ho happ#ns to r#st h#r #-#s upon m- unsightl- ob#s# (isag#! $

am a lon#r an. an isolator but %h#n $ .o (#ntur# out into th# %orl. $

'all in lo(# on a(#rag# I or 4 tim#s a .a-! /n- %oman 'rom %hom a



kin.n#ss to m# is #t#n.#. or %hos# #-#s to min# shin# %ith an-thing

l#ss th#n cont#mpt m#lts m- h#art %hich usuall- th#n l#aks out all o(#r

m- goo. pants an. $ must chang#! hus %ith lo(#*stain#. trous#rs $

%an.#r ! >ut that is natural sinc# %ith m# lo(# an. sham# arri(#

jointl- #(#n i' th# latt#r is a mor# 'r#+u#nt solo gu#st o' min#! o:ham# in 'act $2(# l#t an #ntir# 'loor o' m- hous# to * an. $ li(# in a

stu.io! n th# couch is %h#r# $ sl##p! k th# 'loor9 /ngst has th# couch!

,#na!!! ,#na Eos#!!!! What can $ sa- < h# truth is that $ ha(# not#books

upon not#books hun.r#.s o' pag#s in all chronicling m- #(#r- m#mor-

o' h#r! =(#r-thing sh# sai. ho% sh# sai. it th# smooth muscl#s in h#r

'ac# shi'ting as sh# sai. it h#r bo.-2s position %h#n it %as sai.!!!>ut

th#-2r# pack#. a%a- an. b#si.#s m- han.%riting is barl#- l#gibl#! #n

thousan. -#ars 'rom no% i' bact#ria hasn2t con+u#r#. th# plan#t an.

p#opl# still li(# $ imagin# sci#ntists 'in.ing thos# not#books

painstakingl- r#constructing an. translating th#m! /n. th# tal# th#- t#ll

th# anguish an. h#art*ach# %ill b#com# a classic stor- o' romanc#

taught in coll#g#s pr#'orm#. b- mast#r th#spians an. our t%o nam#s

,#na an. Jon %ill b#com# gr#at s-mbols s-non-mous %ith unr#+uit#.

,o(# an. millions o' m#n an. %om#n %ill r#a. o' us an. tak# com'ort

'rom our stor- an. kno% that though th# %orl. is much chang#. th#

human spirit is not! =t#rnall- .isco(#ring its nourishm#nt in lo(# th#soul b- lo(# scorn#. .i#s! r 'utur# ps-choanal-sts %ill point to m-

not#books as proo' o' &0th

c#ntur- man2s n#urotic lunac-! h# important

thing is that th#- h#lp!

,#na! $n som# cultur#s it is a man2s nam#!!! ;#r 'ram# p#tit# sharp

angl#.! /bout 526 an. a hal'! :h# %asn2t th# t-pical cur(- b#aut- in

'act sh# ha. mor# #.g#s than cur(#s! $ r#m#mb#r h#r onc# complaining

a bit #mbarrass#. @Wh#n $2m nak#. l-ing on m- b#.

-ou shoul. s## m#! $ look lik# a t%#l(# -#ar ol. bo-A Nak#. on h#r

b#.< $ n#arl- '#int#. %ith .#sir#! /l%a-s &6 -#ars ol. 'ro3#n sh#

sparkl#s in th# .ark hollo%s o' m- m#mor-! /'t#r sh# ask#. $ tol. h#r $

%as &)! :h# r#spon.#. %ith a 'ro%n that li+u#'i#. m- un-i#l.ing s#l'*



loathing @$ just turn#. &6! $ %as so .#pr#ss#.! $ cri#. all .a-!A /n. sh#

%oul. broo. on th# transi#nc# o' h#r spl#n.or9 sl#n.#r arms cross#.

'urro%#. 'or#h#a. pouting lik# a chil.! :h# %as 'r## to sa- such things

b#caus# lo(#lin#ss maj#stic as h#rs r#n.#r#. h#r t#n.#rn#ss in(incibl#! /

rari'i#. cr#atur# o' unr#'in#. %on.#rm#nt una''#ct#. charm! :h# %or# j#ans an. a %hit# shirt %ith blu# sl##(#s h#r tin- br#asts just slightl-

poking through! /bout an inch o' mi.ri'' #pos#. its#l' $ coul. almost

%rap m- han.s aroun. h#r har. bo.- :h# %as a tom*bo- %ith a slight

punk attitu.#! n h#r %rist sh# %or# a %i.# black l#ath#r brac#l#t %ith

sil(#r stu.s! $t %as that ma..#ning mitur# o' 'ragil# '#mininit- 'ragil#

as an ins#ct l#g %ith a ra% masculin# musk! :h# lo(#. socc#r

constantl- %ork#. out using h#r boul.#r 'or #tra* tough sit*ups an.

ha. %i.# %#ll 'orm#. shoul.#rs an. back! / long n#ck %ith a p#r'#ctl-o(al h#a. atop! :h# %as hal' $rish hal' Japan#s#! >lack curl- hair that

bobb#. in a tangl# b#hin. h#r! ;#r 'ac# so smooth skin so cl#ar an. a

tin- paint#. mouth! Wh#n sh#2. smil# h#r #-#s trans'orm#. into littl#

laughing cr#sc#nt moons! With %hat .ark s%##tn#ss h#r sir#n #-#s 'oun.

ship%r#ck#. 'ools b#ach#. on h#r burning %hit# thighs < $ %an.#r#.

ami.st th#ir bl#ach#. sk#l#tons happ- to br#ath th# aroma o' such rich

.#ath! nc# $ 'oun. a sun in th# small o' h#r back9 an #ntir# (all#- o'

'i#r- pink r#. purpl# an. -#llo% 'lo%#rs gr#% th#r# soon m- #-#s b#cam# in'#ct#. %ith th#m until $ coul. s## nothing but 'antastic

p#tals!!!an. sm#ll nothing but th# 'ragrant gro%th o' n#% li'#!

No% 'or a long tim# $ ha(# ma.# a stu.- o' %om#n in'ormal * no lab

coats or >uns#n burn#rs though on# tim# $ was oblig#. to us# rubb#r

glo(#s! $ ha(# conclu.#. that th#r# ar# t%o p#rtin#nt 'actors %h#n it

com#s to th# p#rman#nc# o' '#minin# b#aut-! n# is skin! /'rican

%om#n 'or #ampl# %rinkl# l#ss th# s#con. l#ast cr#as#abl# %om#n

b#ing /sian particularl- Chin#s# or Japan#s#! h# s#con. is br#ast si3#!h# larg#r a %om#n2s br#asts ar# an. h#r# $ am onl- sp#aking 2

natural th# %ors# 'or %#ar %ill sh# b#! M- th#or- is that larg# bosoms

t#n. to pull .o%n on a %om#n2s skin str#tching it all out o' shap#! :h#

ha. a c#ll phon# %ith cam#ra Lun'ortunat#l- it %oul.n2t call out %ith

%hich sh# %oul. snap nak#. photos o' h#rs#l' sp#n.ing hours



pur(#-ing th#m tr-ing to 'in. on# %h#r# h#r small br#asts satis'i#. an

a#sth#tic tast#! ,#na %ant#. br#ast implants! Wh#n sh# tol. m# $ ach#.

to t#ll h#r sh# %as p#r'#ct a cr#atur# o' unparall#l#. grac# that $

%orship#. h#r bo.- so .#licat# -#t 'irm a p#r'#ct mitur# o' har. an.

so't masculin# an. '#minin# in .#licat# balanc# Lth# oa o' ,#na9 t#llh#r in a rush o' br#athl#ss urg#nc- that $ -#arn#. to #plor# it all its

ar#as .amp an. .ark s#cr#t %#t throbbing o' burning anticipation9 that

h#r bo.- %as sacr#. hat $ %oul. plant kiss#s on #(#r- s+uar# inch o'

h#r 'lush -i#l.ing skin! hat $ %oul. li(# insi.# h#r i' $ coul.! $ %oul.

hol. h#r bo.- #l#ctric to min# an. inhal# through intoicat#. nostrils h#r

h#at h#r moist s# an. n#(#r l#t h#r chang# a thing! $nst#a. %ith

practic#. in.i''#r#nc# $ tol. h#r m- th#or- that larg# br#asts might ag#

h#r an. that $ .i.n2t think sh# ought to g#t th#m but that it %as onl- on#man2s opinion! :till to.a- $ shak# %ith rag# to imagin# som#on# l#tting

h#r mutilat# that t#mpl# o' lust th# alt#r on %hich m- h#art is nightl-

sacri'ic#. to that ra(#nous 'or#(#r hung#ring go. =ros! What agon- to

b# continuall- tortur#. b- 'l#sh!!!!but $2m 'at! $ s## -oung girls bursting

%ith (igor burning %ith s#ualit- thro%ing th#ms#l(#s at m#n to b#

us#. an #cstas- o' s#ual grati'ication hot 'l#sh an. innoc#nt lo(# th#

pur# ph-sical animal pl#asur# o' b#ing 'it .#sirabl# pot#nt!!! >ut $2(#

n#(#r partak#n! No girl has #(#r look#. on m# 'or lo(#! /lthough %ith,#na!!!$ %on.#r#.!!!

:h# %as a.opt#. b- %#alth- J#%ish par#nts! ;#r 'ath#r a .octor! :h#

%as clos# to him! $ s#ns#. som# t#nsion %ith h#r moth#r! /s a girl sh#

tol. m# h#r moth#r %oul. #(#r- %##k %#igh h#r! /n-%a- r#ligiousl-

sp#aking sh# kn#% (#r- littl# o' h#r par#nts h#ritag# but .##pl- lo(#.

$sra#l! :h# ha. tra(#l#. to a coupl# .i''#r#nt plac#s but it %as in $sra#l

that h#r h#art sang 'r##! @$ al%a-s '#lt lik# an ali#n #(#r-%h#r# $ %#nt

but in $sra#l $ .on2t kno% it '#lt lik# $ %as 'inall- hom#! $2(# n#(#r b##nto a mor# b#auti'ul plac#!A :h# tol. m# %ith a (oic# tr#mbling %ith

hush#. r#(#r#nc# a ball#t o' stars t%inkling in h#r .ark #-#s lik#

'lash#s o' sil(#r*scal#. 'ish shimm#ring in th# ink- oc#an .#pths!



:h# %as #ntir#l- s#cular! $ m-s#l' kn#% a bit about ;asi.ism an. th#ir

m-stical approach to Ju.aism! n# stor- ha. particular a%#. m# ? /s

;itl#r2s sha.o% thick#n#. looming #(#r mor# o(#r =urop# #rman

;asi.ic J#%s tra(#l#. to /m#rica looking 'or a possibl# plac# to li(#!

>ut onc# th#r# %ith spiritual #-#s th#- %atch#. th# mat#rialism th#col. capitalistic gr##. that ma.# %#alth com'ort an. s#curit- th# go.s

o' that lan. Lr#gar.l#ss o' %hat th# p#opl# sai. th#- %ork#. not 'or

o. but ga(# th#ir li(#s to >usin#ss an. th#ir l#a.#r s##ing all this to

his br#thr#n %ith a h#a(- h#art .#clar#. @W# %ill go back! >#tt#r our

bo.i#s burn in #rman- than 'or our souls burn in /m#rica!A /n. so

th#- .i.! /lthough $ coul. n#(#r li(# as th#- %ith such r#stricting

b#li#'s an. li'#st-l#s $ gr#atl- r#sp#ct#. such r#(#r#nc# to th# souls

n##.s #(#n i' n#c#ssar- it m#ant .-ing in /usch%it3! ,#na .i.n2t kno%

much about that sort o' thing! Wh#n $ tol. h#r this stor- an. that $

a.mir#. such 'aith an. spiritualit- #sp#ciall- li(ing in this countr-

rott#n %ith souls glutt#. sick on mat#rialistic li'#*st-l# sh# just crook#.

h#r h#a. an. thought a mom#nt th#n sai. @Y#a!!!$ gu#ss!!!its just $2(#

kno%n ;asi.ic ki.s an. th#-2r# %#ir.! ,ik# th#- think s# is #(il

an.!!!an. th#- .on2t l#t th# %om#n .o an-thing th#-2r# just kin. o'

strang#!A /h an opportunit- to talk s# $ jump#. right on it @h#-

.on2t ha(# s# in $sra#l<A @h#- .o th# thing is th#- 'uck lik# rabbitsL%hat .#licious coars# .#light $ took upon h#aring that %or. 'uck2 com#

'rom h#r littl# mouth but th#- .o it r#all- +uick but all th# tim#! No

on# talks about it though so th#-2ll just jump into an all#- an. 'uck 'or

lik# I minut#s but all .a- long th#- .o that!A Wor.s lik# rub- sho#s

.anc#. an. spill#. out h#r pr#cious lips! h#n h#r spastic laugh! :h#

h#l. h#rs#l' %ith a la3- #as- s%a- but %h#n sh# laugh#. it2. start in

h#r ab.om#n an. th#n burst up%ar. in spasms strait#ning an. shaking

h#r bo.- %hich participat#. 'ull- in th# laught#r h#r hair thro%n back!!!#-#s gl#aming s+uints!!!un#mbarrass#. n#(#r .i. sh# hol. back

'ull- pr#s#nt sh# ga(# h#rs#l' to #ach mom#nt! You can al%a-s t#ll ho%

a %oman lo(#s b- h#r laugh! $ n#(#r m#t an-on# #ls# so compl#t#l-

in(ol(#. in li'#!!!it %as such a jo-ous pur# thing to s##!



,#na %as inh#r#ntl- carnal! :h# intimi.at#. m# in that %a-! Compl#t#l-

'r## an. #as- %ith h#r s#ualit- not boast'ul or (ulgar sh# also sai. sh#

%as bis#ual although mostl- sh# ha. ha. bo-'ri#n.s! nc# looking

urg#ntl- 'amish#. %ith %i.# hungr- #-#s sh# tol. m# sh# n##.#. a lot

o' s#! :om#tim#s sh# %oul. talk to h#r un p#tit# 'lo%#r @You lon#l-.o%n th#r#<A 'ollo%#. b- a naught- op#n laugh! $ a.mit sh# %as a bit o'

a spac# ca.#t at tim#s stan.ing aloo' staring o'' h#r #pr#ssion blank

sl#n.#r 'ing#rs tracing an imaginar- outlin# on h#r 'ac# or pla-ing %ith

h#r lo%#r lip h#r oth#r han. 'irm on h#r hip! >ut so 'r## ph-sicall- >-

that $ m#an sh# mor# than most %as a unit- bo.- an. min. as on#! $

us#. to .ra% 'rom mo.#ls! $ ha(# notic#. that som# p#opl# %ill #pr#ss

th#ms#l(#s b- %a- o' th# int#ll#ct lik# m#9 oth#rs through an #motional

m#.ium but goo. mo.#ls %ill sp#ak2 through th#ir bo.-! h#- %ill b#spontan#ous missing th# usual n#urosis that can block th# normal 'lo%

o' natural #pr#ssion! Chil.r#n ar# lik# that too an. animals! $ notic#.

that unpolish#. grac# in ,#na! :h# %as unconscious o' it as ar# animals

an. chil.r#n b#caus# at on# %ith h#r bo.- th#r# %as no s#paration no

min. %atching or controlling th# bo.- inst#a. #ach compl#m#nt#. th#

oth#r!!! / compl#t#n#ss! hat %as on# r#ason sh# lo(#. s# so much

b#caus# it %as a 'r## jo-'ul #pr#ssion %ithout thought artl#ss! $n 'act

ps-chologists sa- that p#rhaps th# gr#at#st 'actor to th%art gr#at s# issom#thing call#. sp#ctatoring * an anious .#tach#. s#l'* obs#r(ation

that can l#a.s to all sorts o' s#ual .-s'unction! ,#na is th# onl- p#rson $

ha(# #(#r kno%n or m#t %ho ha. absolutor- no hang*ups %h#n it cam#

to s# sh# .i.n2t us# s# in th# hop#s o' satis'-ing an- #scapist or

n#urotic moti(# n#ith#r %as sh# #mbarrass#. to sho% h#rs#l' as a

nak#.l- s#ual b#ing! N#ith#r .i. sh# #actl- r#(#l in it! :h# %as

compl#t#l- h#alth-!

$t %as .i''#r#nt 'or m#!

h# n#t .a- $ .#ci.#. that %ith a %oman aroun. $ ought to %ork! :o $

sp#nt th# morning sho(ing a boul.#r on# $ pick#. out #sp#cial 'or m#

n#ar#st $saac inch b- har. %on inch up th# st##p slop#! /s al%a-s %h#n

$ att#mpt an- ph-sical ##rtion m- bo.- outrag#. that $ shoul. .#man.



an-thing o' it r#b#ll#.! M- l#gs cal(#s #(#n m- shoul.#rs ach#.! Mor#

than onc# $ .ropp#. to m- kn##s '#aring th# boul.#r %oul. crush m#

l#a(ing m# crippl#. an. unabl# to *go. 'orbi.* 'uck ,#na! M- moo.

b#cam# black! :#tting asi.# th# absur.it- o' th# situation $ b#gan to

lam#nt %hat $2(# lost! What ma.# li'# m#aning'ul 'or m#< M- h#artchill#. m#! $t2s t#ars call#. out 'or a %arm bo.-! h# abs#nc# o' lo(#

that is th# r#al horror an. a(#rsion p#opl# ha(# o' prison! 7or th#

h#t#ros#ual an-%a-! >ut no% this plac# ha. h#r! $t is tru# that %ithin

th# '#mal# 'orm 'or m#n is contain#. th# #ntir# %orl.9 an. th# man 'or

%hom lo(# is a possibilit- can #n.ur# an- har.ship! >ut $ .#ar r#a.#r

am Fn*,o(#.! $n li'# $ mak# .u# %ith po#tr-!!!.ra%ing!!!r#a.ing music

som# social int#raction! =c#pt 'or th# last all that %as abs#nt h#r#!

Christ ci(ili3ation its#l' %as abs#nt h#r#! h#n again %as that r#all- so ba.< What %ith th# thr#at o' global %arming %hich i' -ou b#li#(# in

logic an. sci#nc# pr#.icts such an apocal-ptic catastroph# that mans2

sur(i(al is no long#r guarant##. L'or Christ2s sak# air * air* is no% list#.

as a nonr#n#%abl# r#sourc# W# ha(# so .amag#. our plan#t that this

#arth %hich $ b#li#(# to b# lo(ingl- cra't#. an. #ntrust#. to our

go(#rnanc# b- o. ;ims#l' is gasping 'or li'#!!! W# ha(# trash#. o.s

hous# lik# a bunch o' .runk school chil.r#n! $ ha(# no 'aith in th#

'utur#! >ut so %hat< $ lo(# >##tho(#n an. cars but i' ci(ili3ationshoul. collaps# ma-b# %#2ll go back to a simpl#r mor# auth#ntic li'#9

a't#r o' cours# a '#% g#n#rations o' absolut# h#ll!!!/n int#llig#nt r#a.#r

%ill at this point %on.#r %h- $ %rit# at all! hat is th# sam# +u#stion

that haunts m# hulking lik# a monstrous hous# spi.#r9 p#n.ulous o(#r

this comput#r it hangs blocking m- acc#ss its hair- l#gs thr#a.*lik# an.

motionl#ss #nclos# th# scr##n lik# th# top o' a bir. cag# incisors

grot#s+u#l- t%itching an. .ripping sal(ia thr#at#ning to #(isc#rat# m#

strip m- skin an. .#(our m- juic#s! $ p##r into its man- #-#s

#pr#ssionl#ss o(als o' unr#'l#cti(# black (oi.! $ %ill t#ll -ou ho% $ g#taroun. him! $ go into m- kitch#n tak# hol. o' a cl#(#r brac# m- han.

palm 'lat against th# cutting boar. spr#a. m- 'ing#rs li't it high into th#

air cl#nch shut m- #-#s an. grit m- t##th an. %hip it .o%n %ith a

(icious thu. Chop h#r# a 'ing#r go#s rolling a%a- Mag#nta bloo.

pools on th# smooth %hit#*til#. 'loor! n m- han.s an. kn##s $ b#n.



o(#r an. look! ;-pnoti3#.! /t 'irst $2m not sur#! $n that lak# o' bloo. $

s##m to s## minuscul# s+uiggl#s #gg %hit# s+uirming in 'r#n3i#. s%irls

lik# pal# .#m#nt#. ta.pol#s! /s in a tranc# $ ga3# clos#r */ng#ls ,ittl#

ins#ct si3#. ang#ls arml#ss an. #-#l#ss th#ir tin- torsos t%ist an. t%irl

s%imming %ith b#rs#rk agitation in th# .ark mag#nta o' m- bloo.! $hol. th# stump %h#r# a mom#nt ago m- pink- %as look / tin- ang#l

hal' buri#. in th# throbbing m#at o' m- han. struggl#s to g#t 'r##! $

grab a 'ork 'rom out th# .ra% an. pr- him loos#9 s%oosh ;# circl#s into

th# sk- h#r# ar# oth#rs s+uirming in m- %oun. lik# maggots .i(in#

With sol#mn car# $ h#lp 'r## th#m t#n.#rl- no% using m- tongu# so as

not to harm! :%oosh h#- shoot up into th# air in .a33ling arcs th#n

h#a. strait 'or that arachni. b#ast th# spi.#r! h#- attack >last right

into its hi.# pi#rcing th# skin! h# spi.#r sputt#rs a 'roth- pink 'oam.rops to th# rug on tr#mbling .runk l#gs it k##ls o(#r on its back 'or a

mom#nt th# l#gs j#rk %il.l- in paro-sm th#n go slack an. collaps# to

th# groun. lik# hairs lai. out! $t #pir#s! $ tap# a to%#l aroun. m- han.

an. t-p# %ith th# oth#r! h#- .#(our th# b#ast 'rom th# insi.# %ith

crunch#s an. slurps its hair- hi.# rippling an. pulsing %ith th# ang#ls

rapacious .#light! $t soun.s +uit# th# juic- '#ast!!! .#liriousl-

.#licious!!! W#ll th#- #arn#. it! rul- th# spirit o' o. .o#s in.##.

r#si.# insi.# o' us! $ /t l#ast ha(# th# courag# to cut it 'r##!$ %ill t#ll -ou %hat John >#rr-man th# po#t sai. %h#n ask#. th# sam#

+u#stion *%h- h# go#s on %rit#s * 'i't- -#ars ago ;# sai.? @his com#s

'rom ;amann +uot#. b- i#rk#gaar.! h#r# ar# t%o (oic#s an. th#

'irst (oic# sa-s Writ#2 an. th# s#con. (oic# sa-s 7or %hom<2 $ think

thats mar(#lous9 h# .o#snt +u#stion th# imp#rati(# -ou s## that! /n.

th# 'irst (oic# sa-s 'or th# .#a. %hom thou .i.st lo(#29 again th#

s#con. (oic# .o#snt +u#stion it9 inst#a. it sa-s Will th#- r#a. m#<2

/n. th# 'irst (oic# sa-s /-# 'or th#- r#turn as post#rit-!2 $snt that%on.#r'ul<A

>ut 'or m- g#n#ration it is .i''#r#nt! 7or us th# #arth is no long#r an

immortal moth#r but app#ars as som#on#s sickl- gran.moth#r l#gs

'orc#. apart rap#. an. brutali3#.! $ 'or %hom th# 'utur# is m#r#l- a



misr#a.ing o' th# pr#s#nt %hat can $ %rit# 'or< M- ans%#r app#als to

th# bas#st most primiti(# moti(# ? sur(i(al! 7or it is sai. ? $' -ou bring

'orth th# things %hich ar# insi.# -ou th#s# things %ill sa(# -ou9 but i'

-ou .o not bring 'orth th# things insi.# -ou th#s# things %ill .#stro-

-ou! h#s# things!!! insi.# o' m#!!! th#- ar# .#mons cla%ing m- bo%#lsshr#..ing m- int#stin#s9 but onc# $ l#t th#m out th# light trans'orms

th#m into glorious ang#ls #(#n i' li(ing 'or so long in th# .arkn#ss o'

m- soul th#- ha(# gon# blin.!!!h#s# #-#l#ss ang#ls .#li(#r m# 'rom

m-s#l'!

Chapt#r :#(#n

Stay:uch small lips /n. -#t th#- %#r# abl# bit b- bit to nibbl# a%a-

#nough 'l#sh to l#a(# a gaping hol# * h#art*si3#. * %h#r# onc# an organ

o' s#l'*#il# pump#. bilious poison into m- col. lar. #ncrust#. (#ins!!!

$n this plac# ;istor- .i. not #ist prop#r! >asicall- it consist#. o' th# t#n

o' us %ithout an-on# kno%ing ho% app#aring h#r# in this or.#r ?

Mahāk āś-apa o(#r 'ort- -#ars ago %as th# 'irst 'ollo%#. s#(#ral -#ars

lat#r b- Chuang! / '#% -#ars a't#r that h#ophan arri(#. th#n just acoupl# months ago $saac! /'t#r him W#rth th#n Wol'gang an. Marc#l

sho%#. up right a't#r som# %##ks ago an. th#n ,#na =ug#n# an. m#

all arri(ing %ithin I %##ks o' #ach oth#r! $ think that2s right!

h h#ll $ can2t go on %ith this!!!not tonight!!!:hhh *th# s+ui. t%ins ar#

hanging upsi.# .o%n out si.# m- %in.o% no .oubt m#sm#ri3#. at th#

cl#ar blu# t%inkl# t%inkl# o' h#a(#ns a*starr- abo(# th#- %hisp#r2n

bitt#rs%##t nothings into m- #ar %histling th# suici.# blu#s so cool an.

bon# .r- an. oh m- .#ar#st that pr#cious song sings s%##t as sugar

tonight! $ %ish $ coul. h#ar th# ang#ls obs#+uious lam#nt but th# .#(ils

hot br#ath .o m#lt min# #ars right shut! / minut# ago in countr-

non#ist#nt an. too %insom# to b# imagin#. p#rson2s 'ac# br#ak into

smil# $ sa% * a '#mal# p#rson! :h# ha. thighs that coul. m#lt st##l!



=(#r-%h#r# th#m s#- thighs saunt#r#. th# %orl. .i. burst into 'lam#

m#n crumpl#. on th# spot spitting bloo. 'rom split lips clutching th#ir

ch#st %ith on# han. %hil# str#tching out th# oth#r to touch thos# gol.#n

cal(#s pumping sin*shin# through h#r (#ins! :h#2. just strut on b-

smiling to a cra3- tun# th# morning ,oon cajol#. h#r #-#s op#n %ith!;ips hat Coul. ,#(#l /n =ntir# Cit- >lock an. .i. so an. mor#! h#n

h#r #-#s sa% m- #-#s! :a% m# s##ing h#r an. m# not caring! :ur# th#

gu- n#t to m# his ja% .ropp#. .rool .angling lik# a hang#. corps# o''

his chin his han.s a blur shaking so (iol#ntl- till on# b- on# his 'ing#rs

.rop o''! h#- hit th# si.#%alk %ith a so't thu.! :h# la-2. right up

gainst him bo.- pr#ss#. clos# h#r 'ing#rs run2n through his hair an. h#r

lips smack against his 'ac# th#n a gr#at slushing .oubl# %#t slurp :lurp

suck#. out his #-#*balls! $ barl#- took notic#! $ pu33l#. h#r! :h# ha.r#ign o(#r onl- th# li(ing an. ha. no i.#a o' th# black t#ntacl#. thing

insi.# m# 'or %ant o' h#art it took -#ars 'or that trans'ormation to com#

o'' but lik# a .uti'ul moth#r $ nurtur#. th# chang# car#'ull- '##.ing

m- h#art bitt#rn#ss an. .#spair until .ri#. out compl#t#l- it crack#.

an. som#thing t#rribl# %as born ? M- ru# :#l'! h#n $ .#pri(#. that o'

all a''#ction9 %#ll $ can2t tak# all o' th# cr#.it 'or th# callousn#ss o' m-

'#llo% man %as o' gr#at ai. an. #(#ntuall- that casing crack#. op#n!

his tim# it %as #mpt-! $ insp#ct#. th# larg# abs#nc# that $ no% %as+uit# clos#l-! his #ntir# book is its color'ul .#scription! $t ha. #.g#s

sharp an. an almost kni'#*lik# smil#! h# un'ortunat# p#rson %ho

occasionall- got too clos# 'oun. th#ms#l(#s a 'ac# minus a nos# an. a

bloo.- gaping hol# in th# mi..l# o' th#ir '#atur#s to kiss m# is to risk

mutilation! :till $ %on.#r %hat2s b#hin. this #mptin#ss! $ shall tr- to

sh#. it an. s##k out a gr#at#r horror hi..#n n#ath this t#.ious ab-ss!

Wh#n $ gro% too %#ar- o' such a phantom #ist#nc# $2ll plug th# hol#

up %ith a boul.#r an. chok# on th# r#c-cl#. carbon monoci.# m-

roboticall- #ngin##r#. lungs #hum#!

oo. go. 7orgi(# m# $ am losing th# s#mblanc# o' san# thinking .i.

-ou notic#< $ ha(# to maintain!!!Disarrang#m#nt is a sickn#ss an. $

s##m to ha(# com# .o%n %ith a mil. cas# th# insanit- sni''l#s $ call it!

r.#r is th# anti.ot#! $ .on2t %ant m- suici.# thought o' as an act o'



ma.n#ss! No it is an act o' ,o(#! $2(# 'inall- .isco(#r#. a %a- to

#mbrac# this %orl. %ith its %il. #c#ss#s o' moralit-! /n. -ou too

D#ar r#a.#r $ lo(# $ kno%!!!$ can b# a brut# but $ n##. -ou! ;#r# $ sit

&?&5 pm $ ha(# 'i(# minut#s till $ must rush to %ork an. #(#n ha(# $

skipp#. br#ak'ast this morning to sp#n. tim# %ith -ou! "#rhaps thisn#(#r %ill b# r#a. but $ must b#li#(# in -our r#alit-! hat -ou #ist is

(ital to m- #ist#nc#! W# '##. on th# sam# li'#*gi(ing sust#nanc# No% $

must l#a(#! ,at# to mu..l# through th# gr#- ugl- .a- till again %# can

m##t! Don2t think $ %on2t miss -ou! $n m- h#a. $2ll continu# th# stor-

th# con(#rsation onl- no trac# o' it %ill #ist th# burning glo% %ill

gra.uall- 'a.# into a .ull blu# crackling that %ill los# its brightn#ss as it

s##ps into th# cracks o' m- li(ing brain!!!!.on2t l#a(#! Without -ou

nothing is!

Chapt#r =ight

:o %#nt th# .a-s! W#2. all m##t up mi..a- 'or 'oo. an. %at#r th#n

again at night %ith th# #c#ption o' Mahāk āś-apa %ho sat unmo(ing

in m#.itation his 'oo. brought to him b- Chuang! $ actuall- .i.n2t talk

much to ,#na! =(#n in such small numb#rs %# brok# up into cli+u#s *

Wol'gang an. Marc#l h#ophan an. =ug#n# $saac an. $ %ith Chuang

'ri#n.l- but aloo' an. W#rth almost hostil# in his isolation! ,#na .i.n2ts##m to b#long to an- particular cli+u# #+uall- at hom# in th#m all!

$t2s a cultur# o' .istraction th#- sa-! Fn'ortunat#l- $ harbor an a(#rsion

to nois#! :il#nc# is almost %ors#! Constantl- con'ront#. b- %hat hi..#n

things mo(# m# an. b#-on. th# '#ar th#r# is so littl# almost nothing

insi.#! :o $ 'ill up all th# spac# %ith %#ll man- things but no% %ith

%or.s! $2(# h#ar. th# int#llig#ntsia talk o' th# transc#n.#nt (alu# o' art

th# .#i'ication o' po#tr-! $ %rit# to '##l l#ss alon# l#ss hollo%! o sta(#o'' th# .ragon'li#s thos# str#aking com#ts that proph#si#s a coming

apocal-ps# gr##n blurs .arting lik# 'ight#r j#ts .#lirious #-#s bulging

out s##king %h#r# so't#st to attack m# #normous pinc#rs scissoring th#

air! $n 'ront o' this comput#r $2m sa'# h#r# th#r# isn2t o-g#n #nough 'or

th#m to tak# 'light! E#pulsi(#l- th#- %rith# on th# 'loor %hil# slo%l- $



.#ca- an. su''ocat#! ,ik# (ultur#s th#- %ait impati#ntl- to '#ast on m-

carcass! $nsi.# th#-2ll 'in. no m#at onl- a '#% brok#n tangl#. %or.s

nourishm#nt to no*on#!

$ got to kno% Marc#l b#tt#r! n# .a- W#rth n#(#r sho%#. up %ith ournoon tim# r#'r#shm#nts! W# 'oun. him curl#. up on th# groun.

grimacing a lo% guttural gro%l in his throat! ;# r#'us#. to sp#ak

%a(ing us o''! Wol'gang (olunt##r#. to sta- %ith him an. Marc#l sai.

h#2. tak# o(#r W#rth2s job! :inc# $2. n#(#r b##n a*l##ch gath#ring $

.#ci.#. to tag along! =(#n in a .#solat# com#t*'orm#. magical (all#- $

coul.n2t g#t a%a- 'rom %ork! $' th# >ibl# %as right th# mor# $ thought

about it th# mor# $ r#ali3#. /.am r#all- scr#%#. us! $' not 'or him

%ork %oul. b# th# m-th an. gr##n para.is# th# r#alit-! $ b#t in ;#a(#n

h#2s al%a-s th# last gu- pick#. 'or (oll#-ball! "rick! :ur# it s##ms

innoc#nt a talking snak# tol. him to .o it Lan. %h#n pon.#ring th#

r#lati(# guilt o' m- '#llo% man $ am al%a-s min.'ul to tak# into

account th# in'lu#nc# o' talking animals th# son o' :am 'or instanc#

but his nam# is 'or#(#r th# s-mbol o' =il# our p#rman#nt banishm#nt

'rom mas+uito*'r## para.is# %h#r# 'it nak#. p#opl# onc# .i. 'rolic!!!'

cours# I .o it an. g#t arr#st#.! >ut thos# 'irst gra.#rs n##.#. to kno%

-ou can b# morbi.l- ob#s# an. still com'ortabl# %ith -our bo.-!

/n-%a- Marc#l grabb#. W#rth2s polish#. sta'' an. slug sack an. a*

l##ch gath#ring %#nt %#! Marc#l #plain#. that th#- li(#. un.#rgroun.

p#rhaps hib#rnating! Eight on th# rim %h#r# th# inclin# m#t th# groun.

%# s#arch#.! Marc#l %oul. tap th# sta'' to th# groun. list#ning int#ntl-

an. i' h# .i.n2t h#ar th# right soun. mo(# on! /'t#r not too long %#

h#ar. a .i''#r#nt pitch o' thu.! @h#r#!A Marc#l point#.! W# kn##l#.

.o%n! With th# #n. o' th# sta'' Marc#l sho(#l#. a%a- .irt until about 6

inch#s b#lo% %# cam# upon a black thing curl#. upon its#l'! @$t2s coat#.%ith a thick slim# pr#sumabl- to k##p moistur# in!A ;# sai. his (oic#

b#tra-ing a slight 7r#nch acc#nt! With th# sta'' h# hook#. it b#n#ath its

b#ll- an. li't#. th# thing up! / goo. 'oot long s+uirming l#thargicall-! $

h#l. th# sack op#n an. Marc#l .ump#. it in @$t ma- b# .i''icult to h#ar

th# hollo% in th# groun. but c#rtainl- -ou can '##l it!A



@You2(# n#(#r run out<A $ ask#.!

@' l##ch#s< No! Not that $2m a%ar# o'! h#- al%a-s s##m pl#nti'ul!A

W# %alk#. slo%l- Marc#l m#tho.icall- t#sting th# groun. 'or hollo%s!

@$ts o..A $ sai. @$ m#an this #ntir# plac# must b#!!!no bigg#r than

%hat< =ight- '##t in .iam#t#r<A

@,#ss $2. sa-!A

@:o th#r#2s r#all- not that much spac# on this on# littl# strip aroun. th#

crat#r! 7or th#r# al%a-s to b# l##ch#s h#r#!!!$' -ou think about it s#(#ral

#(#r- .a- 'or months on #n.!!!A ;# no..#. @hat2s a (ali. point! >ut

-ou must r#m#mb#r that 'or -#ars it %as onl- Chuang Mahāk āś-apa

an. h#ophan! $ts b##n l#ss than a -#ar sinc# %#2(# all sho%#. up!A

@:till!!!A

@W#ll $ can imagin# th# %alls o' th# #ntir# (all#- ri..l#. un.#rn#ath

%ith l##ch#s thousan. o' th#m all hib#rnating! $' -ou think about it this

is basicall- a .#s#rt #n(ironm#nt but #(#n in .r- .#s#rts can b# 'oun.

toa.s an. #(#n ta.pol#s h#- %ait 'or th# rains to com# %hich might

b# s#(#ral -#ars in coming an. #(#n th#n onl- last a '#% .a-s or %##ks!

/h! >ut in that bri#' tim# th# .#s#rt com#s ali(# Ea(ishing 'lo%#rs o'

all colors gr##n grass tr##s blooming an. in littl# pools o' %at#r *

'rogs $ %on.#r i' it is th# sam# h#r#!A

@;mm! Do -ou kno% this sp#ci#s o' l##ch though<A

@No! $2m not an #p#rt! h $ think $ 'oun. anoth#r on# h#r# tak# th#

%alking stick s## i' -ou can '##l th# .i''#r#nc# in (ibrations it2s a kin.

o' .##p#r r#sonanc# tr-!A

;# han.#. th# sta'' to m# an. $ tapp#. th# #arth! $n.##. th#ir %as a

.i''#r#nc# it '#lt lik# th# %oo. o' th# can# (ibrat#. mor# +uickl-!

Marc#l took it back an. b#gan scraping a%a- th# .irt! $ %atch#. him!

,at# thirti#s black hair slightl- bal.ing thin long 'ac# larg# black #-#s



rim#. r#. probabl- 'rom lack o' sl##p! ;# struck m# as p#r'#ctl- s#l'*

contain#. at hom# alon# in th# %orl. or p#rhaps m#r#l- r#sign#. to it!

/n int#ll#ctual man! ;# plopp#. a s#con. l##ch into th# sac $ h#l. op#n

an. %# continu#.!

@What %#r# -ou b#'or# h#r#<A $ ask#.!

@M#< / pro'#ssor! ' 7r#nch lit#ratur#! /n. -ou<A

@h nothing r#all-! / stu.#nt!A Mostl- $ sat about r#a.ing occasionall-

.ra%ing a pictur# li(ing at hom# %ith m- par#nts sh#lt#ring m-s#l'

'rom th# ra(#nous (#in- #-#s o' im#! $n oth#r %or.s $ %as a

humiliation * to ,i'# o. an. m-s#l'!

@h r#all- a stu.#nt< ' %hat<A

@h!!!uh!!!%#ll o' lost hop#!A

Marc#l stopp#. %hat h# %as .oing to 'ac# m# h#a. cock#. on#

#-#bro% rais#. han.s on his narro% hips!

@What .o -ou m#an b- that<A

@!!!$ %as a kin. o'!!!M#taph-sician o' .#spair!A $ a(oi.#. his #-#s! om#t anoth#r2s #-#s %as 'or man- r#asons an #mbarrassm#nt to b# m#

on th# ph-sical as %#ll as int#ll#ctual plan# not to m#ntion th# spiritual!

Most p#opl# ar# pri(il#g#. to hi.# th# mor# putri. asp#cts o' th#ir >#ing

insi.# 'irml- sporting goo. an. 'anc- '#ath#r- glo(#s o(#r thos# crab

cla%s o' sin bunch#s o' %a(ing .ark pinc#rs that sprout out o' th#

.o3#ns o' hi..#n tunn#ls l#a.ing to th# pit o' th#ir tru# s#l'! $ ho%#(#r

ha(# min# #pos#. %h#r# th#- %a(# h#lpl#ssl- in th# light o' .a-! M-

ob#sit- m- sham#! h# ph-sical mani'#station o' m- co%ar.ic# an.

s#l'*hatr#.! 7irml- b- th# throat all can s## glutton- has m# clutch#.

tight! ,ust 'or 'oo.! / sin is sor.i. in .ir#ct proportion to its p#ttin#ss!

h# oth#r sins * pri.# gr##. lust a(aric#9 ci(ili3ation is 'orm#. b- th#s#

#n#rgi#s9 %hat #ls# is ci(ili3ation< * its buil.ings social constructs

in.ustr- an. sci#nc# i' not a t#stam#nt to man2s #nthusiastic



#mbrac#m#nt o' :in< ;o% #ls# %ith such satanic aban.on coul. %# so

thoroughl- ruin this plan#t < ;o% .o %# justi'- it< Justi'- all th#

.#(astation .#struction o' rain 'or#st< ' p#opl#< ' cultur#s< '

animals< ' #co*s-st#ms< ' %at#r an. air< ' li'#< Wh#r# is m-

broth#r< $ call out 'or him! Wh#r# is m- k##p#r< /n. %# blam# o.W# put ;# Who $s /ll ,o(# on trial $ imagin# a man in th# .##p#st

spiritual agitation b#%il.#r#. b- th# utt#r #(il an. horror o' th#

;olocaust! ;# .i#s! ;# #nt#rs h#a(#n! o. in a glorious clou. o' light

app#ars b#'or# him! h# man tr#mbl#s at 'irst th#n in a 'it o' t#ars

bursts out @Wh-< h o. %h-<A hrough his (iol#nt sobbing h#

implor#s @Wh- .i. -ou not h#lp thos# p#opl# thos# millions o'

su''#ring souls %ho p#rish#. so t#rribl-< Wh- .i. -ou not sa(# th#m<

Wh-A Mom#nts pass! h# man catch#s his br#ath! h# man turns his'ac# up to th# light! :il#nc#! 7inall- o. sp#aks! #ars 'alling 'rom

abo(# ;# is %##ping! r#mulous a pain#. (oic# booms @Wh- .i. not

-ou<A

o. ga(# thos# #rman sol.i#rs th# abilit- to r#'us# at #ach mom#nt!

7urth#r h# task#. #ach on# o' us to look a't#r on# anoth#r! o b# our

broth#rs k##p#r! >#'or# th# F: join#. th# %ar an #l.#rl- la.- o'

pri(il#g#. par#ntag# tol. m# that th#- ha. h#ar. about th# atrociti#s

committ#. o(#rs#as but chos# not to b#li#(# it! =inst#in sai. th# %orl.is not #(il b#caus# o' th# #(il or goo. m#n .o it is #(il b#caus# o' th#

goo. m#n .o not .o! /n. again Holtair# is cr#.it#. %ith sa-ing #(#r-

man is guilt- o' all th# goo. h# .i.nt .o! ' cours# %# in th# W#st

#sp#ciall- in /m#rika ha(# b##n so in'antili3#. that all r#sponsibilit-

an. control has b##n sa'#l- r#mo(#.! h# 'oo. %# #at th# cloths %#

%#ar th#ir mat#rials p#rhaps th#- .o #nsla(# oth#rs an. .#stro- th#

#n(ironm#nt! >ut %# choos# ignoranc#! Nik# us#s chil. labor o(#rs#as

as most big in.ustr- .o#s! his $ tol. som#on#! h#- %a(#. m# a%a-@h pl#as# h#- .o not! h# go(#rnm#nt %oul. .o som#thing about it

i' that %#r# tru#A W# li(# at th# #p#ns# o' oth#rs our 'r##.om is

bought at th# cost o' oth#rs b#ing #nsla(#.! hat is 7/C! >ut -ou can2t

b# blam#.! Can -ou pati#nt r#a.#r< Not -ou!!!You pa- oth#rs

politicians to tak# th# blam# to tak# th# sins a%a- 'rom -ou to b#ar on



th#ir o%n souls! $' th#- %ho kno% o' such things an. %hos# job it is to

k##p an #-# on th# %orl. tak# no action %h- th#n they ar# guilt-! W#

allot a c#rtain salar- to th#s# p#opl# %ho r#li#(# us o' th# t#rribl#

bur.#n o' li(ing right#ousl-! Do %# r#all- think %# can #njo- th#s#

spoil#. 'ruits %hil# r#nouncing th# r#sponsibilit-< What %ill %# sa- too.< @$ .i.n2t kno%! $ .i.n2t both#r to ask %h#r# m- 'oo. cam# 'rom

or m- socks or car #l#ctricit-!!!A Wh#n %as th# last tim# -ou 'oun.

-ours#l' in an #thical .il#mma< W# ha(# gi(#n this =l#ct th# po%#r to

go(#rn #(#n our consci#nc# /s 'or us!!!;o% coul. %# kno%< /n.

r#all- th#- ar# in truth pai. to #nsur# con.itions ar# optimal 'or such

things to tak# plac# to prot#ct our right * gi't#. 'rom o. ;ims#l' * to

li(# th# li'#st-l# o' our choosing! $t is an aiom that as 'r##.om

incr#as#s justic# .#cr#as#s! Fntil #(#ntuall- th# ultimat# 'r##.om is(ouchsa'#. 'or som# th# 'r##.om to kill!!!th# 'r##.om 'rom moralit-! $'

som# oth#r p#rson su''#rs 'or th# li'#st-l# -ou r#a.#r li(#!!!!%#ll!!!th#r#

must b# a r#ason th#- ar# in that situation an. not -ou! $t is all a part o' a

Di(in# plan is it not< ur air is a .r- rar#'i#. air! No rac# sc#nts its

%in.s! W# ha(# inst#a. a bloo.- justic#! Justic# th# p#r'um# %orn b-

th# .isillusion#.! @N#(#r again!A it sa-s abo(# th# #ntranc# o' th#

;olocaust mus#um! $ .o %on.#r %h#n %# shall buil. th# n#t

monum#nt to g#noci.#<W# ar# a p#opl# %ho claim b#li#' in o. th#n mur.#r thos# cr#atur#s

;# so lo(#l- populat#. our hom# %ith! h# m-th o' progr#ss kill#. o.!

What is it< n# .a- robots %ill .o all th# %ork m#.icin# %ill a.(anc#

until all pain all sickn#ss #(#n .#ath is abolish#.! :i.hartha b#'or# h#

r#nounc#. his "rinc#*hoo. * along %ith his %i'# an. chil. * to b#com#

th# >u..ha l#'t his sh#lt#r#. castl# to roam about to%n! 7or th# 'irst

tim# in his li'# h# .isco(#r#. th# 'our r#asons 'or su''#ring? "o(#rt- l.

ag# :ickn#ss D#ath! ;# (o%#. to con+u#r th#s# an. so h# .i.! W#ha(# task#. th# sci#ntist not to r#sol(# li'#2s m-st#ri#s but to sol(#

th#m! /n. %# attack th#m %ith scalp#l an. t#chnolog-! 7irst %# lab#l

th#m @probl#ms!A Which impli#s that l. ag# an. D#ath can b# sol(#.!

$t is our attitu.# that is sick! W# ha(# no tol#ranc# 'or m-st#r-! W# must

kill it! What is l#'t< ,o(# an. .#ath! =(#r-thing #ls# has an



@#planation!A rul- %# li(# in an in(#rt#. king.om %h#r# th# s#(#n

.#a.l- sins ar# no% t%ist#. into (irtu#! Non# o' us ha(# l#arn#. 'rom

/.ams #ampl#! h# r## o' Di(in# no%l#.g# is n#aring .#ath! $ts

'ruit stripp#. bar#! :oon nothing %ill #ist to sustain us! >r#a. alon#!

=(#n though it %as #mbarrassing an. a littl# sophomoric lon#lin#ss

prompt#. m# to con'#ss to Marc#l th#s# thoughts that 'or so long ha.

lain a thousan. small o(al shap#. #ggs in m- brain int#rmitt#ntl- to

hatch som#tim#s t%o an. thr## at a tim#! / small crack in th# l#ath#r-

bro%n*orang# sh#ll th#n a hi.#ous horn#. h#a. shri#king an. .rooling

ant#nna t%itching spasmo.icall- %oul. pop out! $ b#li#(# in th#

;#rm#tic aiom @as abo(# so b#lo%!A h# =m#ral. abl#t stat#s @hat

%hich is >#lo% corr#spon.s to that %hich is /bo(# an. that %hich is

/bo(# corr#spon.s to that %hich is >#lo% to accomplish th# miracl#s

o' th# n# hing!K his %as %ritt#n b- ;#rm#s rism#gistus %hom it is

sai. communicat#. to a lin# o' a.#pts a parall#l %is.om 'rom oroast#r

to "lato all th# %a- up to a.#pts in th# pr#s#nt .a-! n th# mat#rial

plan# h#r# on #arth th#r# is a c#rtain sp#ci#s o' %asp that %ill paral-3#s

a cat#rpillar %ith its (#nom! $t %ill th#n bur- th# still li(ing cr#atur#

un.#rgroun.9 but not b#'or# inj#cting it %ith its #ggs! 7or .a-s th#

cat#rpillar %ill su''#r b#n#ath th# #arth until on# .a- th# #ggs hatch an.

th# %asp2s lar(a .#(our th# li(ing cat#rpillar 'rom th# insi.# out! $t ma-s##m onl- a horri'ic o..it- o' Moth#r Natur#2s sha.o% s#l'9 p#opl# ha(#

b##n tr-ing to justi'- or at l#ast gain a s-mpath#tic un.#rstan.ing o'

;#r m#tho.s sinc# th# b#ginning! >ut sa.l- :h# 'alls short again an.

again %h#n m#asur#. against th# intuiti(# moral int#llig#nc# o' Man!

:h# is a bad moth#r! No %on.#r o. is spok#n o' in th# mal# t#ns# ;#

is th# goo. par#nt! /n. -#t %ho can stop lo(ing on#s moth#r< r .#n-

h#r b#aut- or th# %armth h#r luscious bo.- .o#s ra.iat#< :h# is our 'irst

lo(# an. all lat#r r#lationships ar# mo.#l#. on ;#r! =(#n so :h# cannot justi'- h#r #ist#nc#! ' cours# li'# com#s 'rom .#ath but %h#n as a

bo- $ h#ar. about this sp#ci'ic proc#ss o' p#rp#tuating li'# th#

r#pugnant #c#ss o' su''#ring in(ol(#. appall#. m#! :till it haunts m#!

Wh- %oul. o. manu'actur# such a thing or allo% such a .#sign to

populat# this plan#t< his +u#stion is +ualitati(#l- .i''#r#nt 'rom th#



+u#stion o' sa- %h- must chil.r#n go hungr-<2 >#caus# it is not

n#c#ssar- 'or th#m to star(# it is not an #ss#ntial purpos#'ul asp#ct o'

th#ir natural li'# c-cl#! his %asp ho%#(#r is .#sign#. 'or this sp#ci'ic

horror! h# horror is necessary! / lion .#(ouring a 3#bra caus#s pain

but as a b- pro.uct! h# pain is not necessary! /n. #(#n th#n it isusuall- th# ol. or .isabl#. animal that g#ts #at#n %hich .o#s goo. 'or

th# sp#ci#s! >ut 'or th# %asp to p#rp#tuat# its#l' an o''#nsi(# .#gr## o'

torm#nt is r#+uir#. 'or right 'unction! 7or th# %asp to li(# th# cat#rpillar

must 'orsak# its .#stin-! $t %ill n#(#r matur# into a butt#r'l- s-mbol o'

'r##.om an. hop#! Hi#%ing #ist#nc# s-mbolicall- as our anc#stors

onc# .i. an. artists .o still it is p#rtin#nt to not# that 'or th# r##ks th#

butt#r'l- is s-mbol 'or th# soul! 7or th# Christian it is a s-mbol o' th#

spiritual li'# c-cl# th# cat#rpillar stag# r#pr#s#nts th# natural #arthl- li'#9th# cocoon r#pr#s#nts .#ath o' th# bo.-9 th# butt#r'l- #m#rging 'rom th#

cocoon r#pr#s#nts th# r#surr#ction! ;o%#(#r th#r# is no %ing#.

r#surr#ction 'or this cat#rpillar! ;orn#. bab- %asps cra%l out o' th#

gor# ris# up 'rom th# #arth soak#. in bloo. to s##k out anoth#r (ictim

in a sa.istic c-cl# that has b##n r#p#at#. no% 'or mill#nnia!

:o i' this is %hat is b#lo% h#r# on #arth th#n %hat .o#s that r#'l#ct

abo(# on th# spiritual plan#< $n oth#r %or.s %hat is this ph#nom#non2s

spiritual signi'icanc#< W#ll $ think it sa-s som#thing about th# natur# o'

o.! $t sugg#sts th# #rror o' th# h#r#tical thinking that o. is th# %orl.

that canc#r is o. #tc! h# %orl. ma- b# 'rom o. but not o' o.! $t

points out th# 'ault- thinking o' panth#ism * th# bliss'ul '##ling o'

n#n#ss %ith natur# b#caus# natur# can b# mur.#rousl- cru#l! $s that

part o' such transc#n.#ntal #p#ri#nc#s< h# %orl. is h#artl#ss! Wh- th#

int#ll#ctual contortions to tr- to sa- oth#r%is#< ;istor- .o#sn2t car#

about us hat isn2t to r#j#ct th# rol# rac# has pla-#. but rac# can

onl- b# call#. .o%n to li(# in a cl#an #n(ironm#nt an. %# humans ar#'ilth- th# st#nch o' our n#ighbors spill#. bloo. is putri. #nough to

o''#n. an- %hol#som# spirit! No rac# hasn2t ha. much opportunit- to

in'lu#nc# things!!! no% an. again o' cours#!!!/n-%a- $ b#li#(# th#

morbi. %alt3 carri#. out b#t%##n %asp an. cat#rpillar has a spiritual

#+ui(al#nt! $' %# l#t our soul rot to th# point o' rich compost out o' th#



.ark plac#s sur#l- %ill com# a cr#atur# to bur- its chil.r#n in th# so't

m#at o' our brain! What thoughts an. i.#ologi#s ar# .o%n h#r# o'

pur#l- abstract substanc# ar# abo(# li(ing b#ings! 7or instanc# our

most b#auti'ul thoughts ma- b#ar an /ng#ls (isag# abo(#! You .on2t

b#li#(# * but #actl- this is %hat occurr#. to m# h#-2r# still insi.#thos# #ggs :om#tim#s $ think $ can '##l th#ir %#ight r#sting in th# goo

%#.g#. in th# 'ol.s o' m- brain or bobbing in c#r#bral 'lui. %aiting!!!

h#- caus# #l#ctrical .isturbanc#s! hat2s %h- at mom#nts $ can2t think?

th# s-naptic impuls#s ar# block#. absorb#. into l#ath#r- sh#lls! >lu#

light#ning pla-s about th# #ggs2 sur'ac# crackling lik# %ick#. laught#r!

Chapt#r Nin#

My crises

$ %as 16 or 1G! ;op#'ul! lo%ing %ith th# surg# o' -outh! =(#r- .a- $2.

go hiking in th# %oo.s! $ lo(#. natur#! / st#a.- ins#ct hum chirps o'

bir.s an org- o' gr##n an. li'# an. l#a(#s grass '#rns plants th# h#a(-

o.or o' #arth th# s+uirr#ls .arting b#t%##n tr##s color #(#r-%h#r# jo-

.ripping 'rom th# lo% hung branch#s o' anci#nt tr##s th# %arm thick

h#at o' sunshin# massaging m- back th# air crisp th# sk- blu# abo(#

%ith an #(#r m#tamorphosing conc#rt o' trailing clou.s .##r %ithalmon. black #-#s 'rom an ali#n para.is# th# occasional %il. turk#- or

snak# la3il- str#tch#. out absorbing th# goo.n#ss 'rom th# sun!!! it got in

m- (#ins =(#r- .a- $2. go out tramping in th# %oo.s! $ m#an it =(#n

in rain! Nor .i. bli33ar.s stop m# a thick carp#t o' %intr- 'rost %oul.

blank#t th# N#% York 'oliag# trans'orming it into a nak#. Japan#s# #n

painting %#t black boughs co(#r#. %ith so't sno% a singl# blu#bir.

%ith its h#a. cock#. #-#ing m# a spot o' blu# in that (ast %hit#n#ss!!!

=(#n so th# 'utur# s##m#. a mammoth boul.#r o' ominous ani#t-

st#a.il- rolling to%ar. m# implacabl# an. tr#ach#rous crushing th#

pr#cious 'l##ting minut#s un.#r its granit# in.i''#r#nc#! $n m-

imagination -outh'ul an. arrogant $ ro.# atop a gargantuan %hit#

#l#phant that trampl#. .o%n tr##s crushing #ntir# 'or#sts to th# groun.!



;igh abo(# th# #arth $ sang to th# sun $ sinn#. %ith th# moon an. %#pt

ami. th# starr- spl#n.ors o' mist- n#bula#! >ut on# .a- m- %hit#

#l#phant ha. its kn##s cut b- poach#rs o' .#sir# an. it tumbl#. to #arth

%ith a thun.#rous crash tossing m# to th# %in.s ! h#- ha. no n##. 'or

tusks o' i(or- gr##. 'or th# p#arls o' m- soul .ro(# thos# 'ac#l#ss m#no' sha.o%s! h# #l#phant!!!it!!!!ah!!!no!!!>ut $2(# b#gun to unra(#l again!

hat ma.# no s#ns# .i. it< 7orgi(# m#! ,#t m# g#t a glass o'

%at#r!!!calm .o%n!!!coll#ct m-s#l'!!! >r#ath!!!!!k!!!!!h#r#! $ ha(#

compos#. m-s#l'! Disciplin#. m- thinking! $ am a stabl# man again! $

ha. tak#n a br#ak 'rom %riting an. p#rus#. th# int#rn#t! h#r# $ cam#

across som# photos o' -oung p#opl#! h#- look#. so 'r##! 7ac#s

untroubl#. untouch#. b- .#sp#ration!!!!lo(#.! ;ugging #ach

oth#r!!!laughing!!!$t unbalanc#. m# 'or a mom#nt as p#opl# %ho su''#rgr#atl- %ill b#com# unhing#. at th# sight o' a smil# %hich th#

r#min.#r o' such things #isting #(#n is onl- 'or oth#rs b#com#s

un#n.urabl# 'or th#m! 7or m#! nc# on a t#l#(ision r#alit- sho% a

cam#ra 'ollo%#. a polic# rai.! / man %as susp#ct#. o' harboring chil.

s# sla(#s in his c#llar! / polic# o''icial not %ithout som# .rama

through back th# .oubl# .oors hi..#n in th# 'loor un.#r th# susp#cts rug!

h#r# a cro%. o' chil.r#n stoo. looking mourn'ull- up 'rom th#

.arkn#ss9 grim- an. nak#. malnourish#. %incing 'rom th# light! hatis ho% it is %ith m#!

:o $ %as talking about m- '#ar o' th# 'utur# as a t##nag#r! :om# p#opl#

%hom $ can onl- assum# ar# unimaginati(# look 'or%ar. to it9 but m-

brain bu33#s gurgl#s an. cracks %ith a s%arm o' ghostl- imaginations

o' imp#n.ing %o#! n# a't#rnoon %hil# taking m- .ail- stroll b#n#ath

th# arch#. branch#s o' autumnal tr##s #ach st#p crushing th# .r- brittl#

l#a(#s litt#ring th# path %ith brilliant r#.s orang#s an. -#llo%s an.

%hos# crisp crunch $ 'anci#. %a'ting up into th# h#a(#ns soun.ing a pra-#r to th# spirit o' th# 'or#st m- #-#sight %#nt .im! $ paus#. not

sur# %#ath#r to panic %h#n a (ision %hich $ int#rpr#t#. as port#nt o'

things to com# at 'irst a n#bulous blob o' color cam# into 'ocus an.

took on th# unhol- imag# o' a papi#r*mOchP skull grinning in th#

.arkn#ss s#r(#. on a sil(#r platt#r b- its o%n h#a.l#ss bo.- .r#ss#. in



%ait#r attir#! 7or a long tim# a't#r this imag# haunt#. m# an. %h#n#(#r $

think upon it $ shak#!

/t th# tim# m- .ail- routin# consist#. upon a%ak#ning m#.itation 'or

&0 minut#s coll#g# hom# m#.itation 'or anoth#r 45 minut#s an. th#n ahik# at th# natur# pr#s#r(# n#arb-! h# m#.itation %as part o' m-

int#r#st in >u..hism! You s## $ ha. al%a-s kno%n in a g#n#ral

int#ll#ctual %a- that $ %oul. .i# 9 but at 16 it struck m# that I Jon

p#rsonall- %oul. on# .a- c#as# to b#9 an. that #(#r- minut# #(#n as

-ou r#a. th# (#r- mom#nt occurring no% is uni+u# th# last lik# it

n#(#r to b# r#p#at#. * #(#r! $ %as -oung! / coupl# .#ca.#s si i' luck-

p#rhaps la- ah#a. o' m# but compar#. %ith #t#rnit-< What %as that <

oo. go. $ thought %hat i' th# soul r#all- is immortal E#c#ntl- to a'ri#n. $ m#ntion#. ho% p#rp#tuall- astonish#. $ am that .#ath is

common kno%l#.g# #(#r-on# is appris#. o' th# 'act -#t th#- go about

.ail- li'# as i' in compl#t# unconc#rn /s i' .#ath ha. nothing to .o %ith

th#m p#rsonall- ;# con'i.#. to m# that h# too as a -oung man 'oun.

it shocking an. #n.#a(or#. to shar# his '##lings %ith oth#r m#n an.

%om#n but a't#r man- star#s o' incompr#h#nsion or in.i''#r#nc# h#

ga(# up! Just on# %a- %# coll#cti(#l- cr#at# a cons#nsual r#alit-

#(#r-on# acts as i' th#- .on2t car# about .#ath so %# assum# it is

nothing to g#t %ork#. up about ? no on# #ls# .o#s! =rn#st >#ck#r a

promin#nt ps-chologist cam# out %ith his "ulit3#r pri3# %inning book

h# D#nial o' D#ath2 %hich #plain#. that p#opl# although

int#ll#ctuall- cogni3ant o' th# 'act ar# #motionall- .##pl- in .#nial o(#r

th#ir o%n .#aths oth#r%is# soci#t- coul.n2t 'unction! N#ith#r coul.

in.i(i.uals! :om#tim#s $ think th#r# ar# p#opl# born %ith a %#ak

.#'#ns# m#chanism that prot#ct th#m 'rom an a%ar#n#ss o' 'initu.#!

,ik# m#! "#opl# ma.l- rush about (ainl- tr-ing to #t#n. li'# in an-

%a- possibl# som#tim#s through h#alth but #(#n th# h#althi#st man%ill still .i# th#n through buil.ing a l#gac- or cr#ating or o%ning

things that %ill sur(i(# th#ir o%n .#mis#! /s a bo- about to r#c#i(#

communion $ tol. m- moth#r that $ plann#. to %ork at a 'ast 'oo.

r#staurant in or.#r b#tt#r to pr#par# 'or #t#rnit- in th# a't#rli'#! =(#r-

spar# mom#nt $2. sp#n. in church b#caus# li'# is onl- a '#% .#ca.#s



long an. it is a %o#'ull- m#ag#r span to r#a.- on#s#l' 'or .#ath! :h#

laugh#. at m# sai. $ %as cra3-! :till i' on# b#li#(#s in a high#r po%#r

or a li'# b#-on. $ still stan. b#hin. that innoc#nt argum#nt 'orm#. b-

m- 11 -r ol. s#l'!

>ack th#n $ n#(#r consi.#r#. Christianit- (ali. th#r# $ sa% onl-

ignoranc# an. (iol#nc# ch#ap morali3ing at b#st! >u..hism ho%#(#r

#pos#. a calm grac# in th# 'ac# o' that ps-chotic .#(our#r o' all things

%# call im#! /n. r#incarnation soun.#. as natural an. tru# as

br#athing! 7or th# r#st $ .i.n2t kno% but >u..hists ra.iat#. s#r#nit-

p#ac# an. @b- its 'ruits -# shall kno% th#mA so to +u#ll th# panic

insi.# $ ing#st#. >u..hist .octrin#s on imp#rman#nc# %ith th# '#(#rish

.#sp#ration born# out o' th# incurabl# %oun. mortalit- ha. clubb#. m#

%ith at birth b#'or# $ coul. op#n m- #-#s! Drops o' s%#at p#lt#. th#

parchm#nts an. homili#s $ stu.i#.! /n obs#ssion %ith th# 'lick#r o'

struggl# an. strain $ call#. @m#A! 7iat#. on th# transi#nt natur# o' all

things mor# an. mor# th# appar#nt th# crack in th# (as# o' li'# sho%#.

its#l'9 this %orl. has a .#'#ct! im# cracks us apart an. scatt#rs th#

pi#c#s! During m- natur# %alks $ sought ans%#rs in th# sk- an. sa%

m#lli'luous clou.s shap#*shi'ting in #t#rnal 'lu9 also in th# lak# %hos#

%a(#s 'or th# bri#'#st o' mom#nts %oul. ris# lik# poins#ttias app#aringon th# sur'ac# b#'or# m#lting back into %at#r b#ing call#. back

c#as#l#ssl- into th# %hol#9 b- association such r#(#ri#s l#a. m# to think

on all th# billions o' human li(#s this '#cun. #arth bor# th# moth#rs

countl#ss as rain .rops #mbracing suckling in'ants in t#n.#r arms th#-

in turn gro%ing up l#a(ing hom# %ho labor#. lo(#. p#rhaps start#. a

'amil- an. %ith this %orl. #ith#r ma.# p#ac# or inc#ssantl- +uarr#l#.

th#n gro%ing ol. back into th# so't #arth .#ca-#.!!!$ tri#. to (isuali3#

th# gr#at multitu.#s %hil# in m#.itation un.#r an ol. oak tr## on# o'man-! $ts trunk ma-b# #ight '##t aroun. s#(#ral stori#s o' gnarl#.

branch#. str#tching out to #mbrac# th# sun an. 'rom th# .o3#ns o'

branch#s th#n gr#% thousan.s o' tin- s#rrat#. l#a(#s!his particular

%oo. alon# hous#. millions o' l#a(#s! $ imagin#. #ach l#a' %#r# a li'#!

7all %oul. com# th# l#a(#s2 lush gr##n %oul. .issipat#its li'# .rain#.



out th#n a riot o' (ibrant colors * scr#ams o' r#.s an. -#llo%s %il. at

th# gra- #(#nings prot#sting .#sp#rat#l- against .#ath much lik# th#

'ashions o' th# ros#tt#*ch##k#. -oung girls $2. s## strutting th# coll#g#

groun.s %hich %#r# .#sign#. to a.(#rtis# (italit- #(#n as it 'a.#.

a%a-! / 'inal jo-ous .ispla- o' li'#2s triumph an. promis# o' r#turn b#'or# #piring! Wh#n to m# .#ath com#s $ %on.#r %ill such brillianc#

burst 'rom out m- .#pths< /s it .i. in Y#ats< r #ats< $ %on.#r! /ll

thos# li(#s #ach %ith its o%n particular '#ars an. hop#s s#cr#ts an.

b#aut- bl#ssings an. curs#s an. purpos#s 'lo%#r#. or .ash#. turn#.

bro%n!!!stubbornl- hanging b- a crack#. st#m to th# bough! :o man-

li(#s :o much mo(#m#nt!!!still#.! h#n %oul. m- (ision mo(# out

'rom that singl# tr## %ith its countl#ss l#a(#s .#a. an. m- 'ocus un'url

o(#r th# #ntir# plan#t o(#r%h#lm#. to s## not just on# but billions upon billions o' l#a(#s t%isting 'rom a chaotic tangl# o' branch#s shooting

'rom li(ing an. .-ing tr##s sprout#. 'rom all o(#r this #arth in a panic

o' gr##ns an. bro%ns =ach tr## %ith its o%n innum#rabl# oc#an o'

brittl# bro%n l#a(#s rattling .#a. in th# %in.s /n. $2. '##l so small

alon# in that s#a o' crackling bro%n it %as almost as i' $ .i.n2t #ist at

all so 'ragil#!!!pr#carious!!!an. 'l##ting m- li'# s##m#.! /n alarm th#n

rang out in th# pit o' m- b#ing just as a po%#r'ul %in. shook all th#

tr##s billions o' .r- l#a(#s scraping against on# anoth#r a hi.#ous .#athrattl# r#soun.ing throughout th# #ntir# plan#t announcing th# t#rribl#

r#alit- o' .#ath th# billions o' bloo. c#lls sur'ing m- (#ins shri#k#. m-

n#r(ous s-st#m +ui(#r#. %ith .r#a.! /n anticipator- '#ar pump#. in m-

(#ins! $ must .o som#thing 7or thr## -#ars $ cr#at#. bi3arr# an.

obsc#n# ink .ra%ings #orcising .#ath ani#ti#s %ithin tortur#. 'orms

#(#n sho%#. in a gall#r- or t%o! >ut it %asnt #nough! =n.l#ss #cho#s

r#(#rb#rating in m- skull th# ticking o' m- %atch multipli#s again an.

again ? tim# nonstop p#rp#tuall- #ating a%a- s#con. b- ticking s#con.

m- li'# %ithout r#st or r#spit#! ;o% coul. $ continu# %ith som#thing as p#tt- as art $ thought< D#ath ha. ma.# ;ims#l' kno%n to m#! No% in

m- bl##.ing #ar r#sponsibilit- h#ark#n#. !

n th# si.# o' a .#s#rt#. countr- roa. hi..#n %ithin a crumpl#. h#ap o'

torn cloth#s as $ pass#. b- a hom#l#ss man %hisp#r#. to m# ? @no%



that Man has 'our major conc#rns! h#- ar# D#ath E#sponsibilit-

M#aningl#ssn#ss an. ,on#lin#ss! 7our soaring .#(ils that ha(#

corrupt#. th# sun2s ra-s #(#r sinc# go. %as on his .#ath b#.!A Wh#n $

turn#. to +u#stion him 'urth#r $ sa% him pass#. out unconcious or

p#rhaps #(#n .#a.!

$mm#.iat#l- $ sought to kill t%o o' th# monstrous b#asts *

E#sponsibilit- an. M#aningl#ssn#ss* %ith on# gigantic ston# ? charit-!

bs#ssi(#l- $ %oul. .onat# all $ ha. to sa(# this .-ing %orl. to '##. its

star(ing chil.r#n! Walking .o%n a cit- block $ notic#. a hom#l#ss man

crumpl#. against a buil.ing in hol- slumb#r! "#opl# %#r# tripping o(#r

his l#gs %hich stuck strait out! No sho#s $ notic#.! /'t#r a s#con. o'

int#rnal .#bat# $ took o'' m- o%n socks snuggl- tuck#. into th#

sn#ak#rs an. plac#. th#m at his si.#! 7or th# r#st o' th# .a- $ %alk#.

Manhattan bar#'oot!

$ b#cam# h-st#rical %h#n a 'ri#n. ask#. i' $ %ant#. to go s## a mo(i#

%ith him! @/ mo(i#< /r# -ou insan#< 7or that 10 bucks -ou can lit#rall-

sa(# a chil.2s li'# What2s mor# important %hat .o -ou (alu# mor#

s##ing som# stupi. 'ucking mo(i# or gi(ing a chil. th# chanc# to li(#<A

;# %as stunn#.! $ l#'t his apartm#nt but b#'or# $ .i. ma.# sur# to

l#a(# pamphl#ts listing charit- organi3ations! Charit-! $t is a pr#r#+uisit#'or spiritual li(ing both #ast an. %#st! $ struggl#. to attain th# >u..hist

(irtu# o' @p#r'#ct gi(ing!A $n >u..hism th# p#r'#ction o' charit- can

carr- on# to Nir(ana! $t is th# 'irst @"aramitasA or practic#! h# Muslim

calls charit- @akatA an. it is consi.#r#. on# o' th# 'i(# pillars o' $slam!

>ut this charit- %as a .ark thing! Dail- it ra(ag#. m- insi.#s an.

black#n#. m- spirit! Crushing m# .o%n past hop# $ strain#. to .isco(#r

th# str#ngth to continu# li(ing s#arching %ith th# m#ticulous bloo.*shot

#-# o' a .#t#cti(# #(#r- clan.#stin# alco(# s#cr#t#. in m- soul 'or a po%#r gr#at#r than m-s#l'!!!!

"ain'ull- $ b#cam# a%ar# that b#caus# o' #ach .a- $ li(#. th# #arth

su''#r#.! =(#r-.a- $ cr#at#. %ast#! Wrapp#rs an. cans bottl#s an.

plastics!!!Wat#r %ast#. an. pollut#. #l#ctricit- consum#.!!!just to g#t



'oo. #ploit#. hun.r#.s r#sourc#s constantl- abus#.!!!! =ach br#ath $

.r#% .rain#. a littl# color 'rom this gr##n #arth! /t th# tim# $ %ork#. at

Cal.ors on ch#ckout! Within m- #ight hour shi't $ %atch#. .ro(#s o'

custom#rs strip thousan.s o' gra- plastic bags 'rom m- r#gist#r ashoar.s o' locust %ill s%arm upon corn'i#l. a't#r corn'i#l. l#a(ing

barr#n .#cimation in its %ak# so a n#(#r #n.ing str#am o' 'ac#l#ss blurs

pass#. phantasmall- b#'or# m- .a3#. #-#s pausing onl- to han. m#

cash an. grab a thin plastic bag %ith our logo on it 'or th#ir potato chips

s%#at#rs light bulbs slipp#rs (i.#os #t#nsion cor.s to- .olls

pr#gnanc- t#sts tub# socks batt#ri#s con.oms not#books C!D!s

cam#ras plugs salsa -arn chocolat# chip cooki#s %atch#s j#ans

bas#ball caps HCE2s i*po.s (i.#o gam#s can.- bars h#a.phon#s

print cartri.g#s Christmas car.s %int#r coats plastic an. 'oam cups

cigar#tt#s pant-hos# so.a #arrings motor oil irons an. ironing boar.s

chairs an. tabl#s that som#tim#s $ %oul. ti# to th# roo' o' th#ir cars %ith

t%in# 'or a .ollar tip spong#s brac#l#ts .#t#rg#nt an. soaps toast#r

o(#ns post#rs bibl#s cat litt#r nail polish pap#r tampons %iring

scotch an. .uct tap# corn chips tortilla chips H s#ts mugs pictur#

'ram#s rak#s roa. salt gar.#ning sh#ars umbr#llas can.l#s tooth

past# an. brush#s plat#s st#r#os glu# b#sts#ll#r books an. maga3in#s

.#sk lamps .og an. cat 'oo. cruci'i#s un.#r%#ar la%n gnom#s b#lls'orks suitcas#s cots mark#rs 'ol.#rs lipstick laun.r- bask#ts garbag#

bags an. cans light#rs an. light#r 'lui. hamm#rs h#a.lights .iscar.#.

#-#balls marbl#s s#a*monk#-s cushions kni(#s nails th# n#%spap#r

s%#at pants snork#ls bras .i#t pills rubb#r ban.s 'oot 'ungus cr#am

smoking pip#s %ash#r machin#s comput#rs stu''#. animals .#a.

.r#ams boar. gam#s ins#ct r#p#ll#nt camping t#nts t#nnis rac+u#ts

scr#%.ri(#rs sh#l(#s %histl#s chang# sorting machin#s patio 'urnitur#

nail 'il#s hair g#l #ras#rs %at#r pistols 'oot balls ang#l statu#s bubbl#gum .#o.orant spra- paint p#ncils 'oot massag# machin#s

sho%#r curtains toil#t pap#r bolts an. scr#%s cant##ns la%n .arts

.#sks .iamon. n#cklac#s ban.*ai.s bo%ls smok# alarms an. on an.

on an. on an. on!



$t ma.# m# .i33-! M- #-#s gr#% .im! >#caus# o' th# .#struction an.

pollution inh#r#nt in its manu'actur# an. .isposal #ach plastic bag th#-

took s-mboli3#. a 'r#sh %oun. torn op#n on our tortur#. plan#t! /t th#

#n. o' #ach .a- $2. collaps# in m- b#. too o(#rcom# 'or t#ars %#ak

b#-on. sa.n#ss!

$ thought o' th# 'ollo%#rs o' Jainism in $n.ia! h#-2r# kin. o' lik#

#tr#m# >u..hists! h#- also m#.itat# an. court th# %on.#rs o' natur#!

D##p in th# mountains monks aspir# %ith a hop# both absur. an. pur#

L& conc#pts intimat#l- in lo(# %ith #ach oth#r to li(# %ithout harm!

:om# %#ar simpl# %hit# garm#nts man- li(# 'r##l- nak#.! =(#r- st#p is

a .isciplin#. act o' (igilanc# l#st th#- st#p on an- ins#ct! :om# #(#n

ha(# a strip o' lin#n str#tch#. across th#ir mouths to guar. against

acci.#ntall- harming a microorganism or s%allo%ing a bug! N#ith#r cup

nor bo%l .o th#- o%n! $t is #clusi(#l- 'rom th# kin.n#ss o' th#

(illag#rs that th#- #at %ho grat#'ul 'or th# opportunit- to .o goo. an.

garn#r positi(# karma %h#n sol#mnl- th# hol- m#n march through

to%n lin# up r#a.- %ith 'ruit %at#r or milk %hich th#- pour into

grat#'ul cupp#. han.s! ;ug# ston# statu#s mor# than thirt- '##t high

#ist o' Jain cross*l#gg#. in m#.itation #-#s hal' clos#. in s#r#n#

#+uanimit-! /s much as th#ir #ampl# inspir#. m# %h#n in a rath#r

sophomoric p#rsp#cti(# $ %#igh#. m- li'# against th#irs it sham#. m#also!

h# stor- that most pro'oun.l- in'lu#nc#. m# tol. o' th# >u..ha

hims#l'! >#'or# born as th# man :i.hartha %ho %oul. attain

#nlight#nm#nt an. b#com# th# >u..ha his soul %as born into th# li'# o'

a princ#! $n this pr#(ious li'# h# kn#% much com'ort an. #as#!

n# .a- as h# stroll#. th# (ast gar.#ns o' his #stat# h# cam# upon a

sickl- moth#r tig#r #maciat#. 'rom hung#r h#r kitt#ns snuggl#. b#si.#!;# b#nt lo% an. look#. th# 'i#rc# b#ast in its #-#s an. sa% gr#at sorro%!

=(#n though a .i''#r#nt sp#ci#s lik# hims#l' this animal %ant#. to li(#

an. %as a'rai. o' .#ath! ;# ma.# up his min.! @r#at tig#rA h# sai. @$

gi(# m-s#l' to -ou! $ '##l gr#at compassion 'or -our sorr- stat# an. o''#r

up m-s#l' to b# #at#n!A >ut th# tig#r .i. not stir! E#ali3ing sh# %as too



%#ak to mo(# %ith in'init# compassion h# took a pin an. prick#. his

'ing#r an. as th# bloo. b#gan to 'lo% l#t it trickl# into th# tig#rs mouth!

:oon th# tig#r %as lapping at th# bloo. an. +uickl- r#gain#. its str#ngth!

$t rais#. its#l' on its l#gs! h#n %ith a 'i#rc# roar l#ap#. at th#

unmo(ing princ# an. .#(our#. him! >#caus# o' this un'athomabl-s#l'l#ss act h# %as .u# to th# m#chanisms o' karma n#t born as th#

man %ho %oul. b#com# th# >u..ha!

Wh#n 'irst $ r#a. this $ b#cam# br#athl#ss at th# #tr#m# natur# o' such

nobl# uns#l'ishn#ss! o b# so unattach#. to on#s bo.- on#s li'# ;o%

coul. $ .o th# sam#< /ll aroun. th# hungr- call out th# poor s%arm

o(#r this #arth thick lik# '#st#ring lic#! $ tri#. to imagin# th# >u..ha

ali(# to.a- %alking th# .ark all#-s o' Manhattan! ;is rob# .ragging

along th# 'ilth- si.#%alk among .iscar.#. pi33a crusts an. cigar#tt#

buts! ;# go#s .o%n a narro% all#- an. sits .o%n b#si.# a garbag# can!

ut o' th# .ark app#ars a cat #-#s 'lashing in th# night! $t pr#ss#s up

against th# >u..ha2s %arm bo.-! ;# strok#s th# animal %hil# it purrs

an. coughs! ;# notic#s ho% thin it is '##ls th# poor cr#atur#2s ribs

sticking through its skin orang# hair coming o'' in clumps! $t is star(ing!

$ts littl# cat 'ac# looks up to him larg# li+ui. #-#s 'ull o' imploring! h#

>u..ha no.s a 'aint smil# 'lashing across his 'ac#! ;# sticks his point#r

'ing#r into his mouth cl#nch#s his #-#s

shut an. %ith a grunt bit#s .o%n ;is 'ing#r snaps o'' h# spits it onto

th# .irt- si.#%alk a bloo.- grin %hil# h# %atch#s th# cat2s t#n.#r pink

tongu# lick at th# %arm bloo. th#n bar# its t##th an. b#gin stripping o''

th# 'l#sh! /noth#r cat app#ars an. anoth#r! :#(#ral mor# h#r# ar#

.o3#ns o' m#%ling cats hungr-! n# b- on# th# >u..ha snaps o'' his

'ing#rs b#t%##n his t##th '##.ing th#m to th# hungr- '#lin#s!!!%ith

compassion!!! %ithout thought o' s#l'!!!$ aspir#. to such s#l'*sacri'ic#! $n littl# %a-s! $2. gi(# a%a- m- ra.io

though $ lo(#. music onl- a't#r%ar.s to r#gr#t it! $ r#m#mb#r %riting

.o%n as an aiom @gi(# jo-ousl- or not at allA 7or a long tim# $

thought about going out at night to '##. th# cats!!!or skunks!!!rats!!!#(#n

th# hom#l#ss $ .i.n2t kno% %hat to .o! Camus %h#n sp#aking o' th#



b#n#'its o' mo.#ration kn#% m- #rror %h#n h# %rot# @!!pur# an.

una.ult#rat#. (irtu# is homici.al!A r in m- cas# suici.al! :till $

%on.#r#. %h- gi(ing caus#. m- stomach to bunch up into a knot! $

r#m#mb#r r#a.ing goo. ol. ;#nr- Da(i. hor#au! :p#aking o' charit-

h# con'#ss#. @$ ha(# tri#. it 'airl- an. strang# as it ma- s##m amsatis'i#. that it .o#s not agr## %ith m- constitution!A Ma-b# %# %#r#

bir.s o' a '#ath#r!

7inall- $t .a%n#. on m# that #pr#ss#. 'rom no int#rnal kin.n#ss m-

charit- %as a hollo% thing! o mak# o(#r m- inn#r s#l' until %ithout

thought $ %oul. gi(# naturall- ought to ha(# b##n m- goal! $nst#a. o'

sculpting m- int#rior lan.scap# into a soul'ul pro(inc# $ simpl- act#.

th# part! / chil.ish #mulation! You can s## it %h#n sitting n#t to th#ir

'ath#r a littl# bo- pr#t#n.s also to r#a. th# pap#r! Man- Christians ar#

#p#rt at this t-p# o' s#l'*.#c#ption L%h#n :anta2s h#lp#rs .o it $ am

tol. it is call#. =l'*.#c#ption! $ ha. it all back%ar. $ %as tr-ing to .o

it 'rom th# outsi.# in! E#ali3ing this $ un.#rstoo. %h#n hor#au

#ls#%h#r# %rot# @goo.n#ss must not b# a partial an. transitor- act but

a constant sup#r'luit- %hich costs him nothing an. o' %hich h# is

unconscious! his is a charit- that hi.#s a multitu.# o' sins!A "#rusing

i#rk#gaar.2s not#s $ 'oun. gr#at#r #pr#ssion ?

@7or =t#rnit- has th# k##n#st #-# an. th# most sophisticat#.

un.#rstan.ing %ith r#sp#ct to m#rci'uln#ss but no un.#rstan.ing o'

mon#-! !!!h# poor p#rson th# %r#tch#. p#rson h# coul. in.##. .i# *

so %hat is most important is that h#lp b# gi(#n!2 No =t#rnit- ans%#rs

%hat is most important is that m#rci'uln#ss b# practic#. or that th# h#lp

is th# h#lp o' m#rci'uln#ss Eais# mon#- 'or us pro(i.# hospitals 'or

us! hat2s %hat is most important2 No sa-s =t#rnit- %hat is most

important is m#rci'uln#ss! $n th# #t#rnal s#ns# that a p#rson .i#s is nomis'ortun# but it is a mis'ortun# i' m#rci'uln#ss is not practic#.!!!!h i'

onl- $ coul. .#pict th# #pr#ssion on th# 'ac# o' =t#rnit- %h#n th# rich

man ans%#rs th# +u#stion o' %h#th#r h# has b##n m#rci'ul b- sa-ing $

ha(# gi(#n a hun.r#. thousan. to th# poor2 >#caus# ama3#. =t#rnit-

%ill look at him as som#on# %ho .o#sn2t kno% %hat h# is talking about9



an. th#n =t#rnit- %ill again ask th# +u#stion ;a(# -ou b##n

m#rci'ul<2A

Wh#n thoughts lik# th#s# (isit m- .r#ams t%o m#n app#ar n#ighbors

%ho out%ar.l- l#a. i.#ntical li(#s! >oth att#n. church ar# marri#. an.'aith'ul .onat# to charit- onc# a -#ar '##. th# hom#l#ss %ork har.

pro(i.# 'or th#ir 'amil- an. li(# out a li'# o' r#sp#ct'ul christian

hon#st-! h#n th#- .i#! >oth ar# b#'or# :t! "#t#rs at# a%aiting #ntr-!

h# gat# cr#aks op#n an. th# 'irst st#ps through! /s th# s#con. man is

about to

cross th# thr#shol. it slams shut :tartl#. th# man cr-s @Wh- ha(# -ou

h ,or. l#t in m- n#ighbor an. not $< $ too ha(# %##kl- %orship#.

-ou .ail- pra-#. an. al%a-s k#pt th# comman.m#nts! :p#ak ,or.%h-<A 7rom abo(# a might- (oic# booms @>#caus# although both o'

-ou act#. in i.#ntical 'ashion in%ar.l- onl- on# act#. %ith kin.n#ss in

his h#art!A Man- a pious Christian man $ imagin# is surpris#. to 'in.

hims#l' sputt#ring in a lak# o' 'ir# this %a-!

,i(ing thusl- it happ#n#. in#(itabl- that m- min. collaps#.! h# onl-

thing #(#r to calm m- .istraught thoughts* art* $ ha. gi(#n up to pursu#

charit- %hat th#n s##m#. to m# mor# m#aning'ul! 7inall- $ ha. buckl#.un.#r th# %#ight o' im#! h# .a-s slipp#. b- lik# th# .istort#.

r#'l#ction moon b#ams ha(# in a 'ast mo(ing str#am! Haporous imag#s

#scap#. th# tortur#. gasp o' m- touch! =(#r-thing %as in a constant

stat# o' 'lu p#rc#ptions #(aporat#. 'rom m- clums- han.s! $n its

.rooling jo%ls th# black cur o' .#spair clutch#. m- rag*.oll spirit!

D#pr#ssion s#ttl#. on m# lik# an oil- tar! h# %orl. %#nt .ark! M-

'ing#rs %#nt numb! /n in(isibl# m#lanchol- cut m# o'' 'rom th#

a''#ction o' oth#rs! $ sunk into .#spair an. .rug abus#! h# 'ourth an.

most '#arsom# #ist#ntial cris#s gripp#. m# * th# gra- bir. o',on#lin#ss loom#. on th# hori3on! Wings #t#n.#. th# #ntir# plan#t

#nsconc#. in sha.o%! $ts talons sank .##p into m- t%itching 'l#sh

pi#rc#2. m- li(#r!!! $ %on.#r#. %hat cr#atur# no% h#l. m# in its cla%s!!!!

Chapt#r #n



$ #plain#. most o' this to Marc#l! ;# list#n#. +ui#tl- no..ing

occasionall- all th#

%hil# t#sting an. poking th# groun. %ith th# sta''! Wh#n $ ha. 'inish#.

h# r#main#. still b#nt o(#r looking at th# .ust! /'t#r som# mom#nts $ b#gan to g#t uncom'ortabl#! @W#ll<A

$ ask#.!

;# strait#n#. up @W#ll %hat<A

@What about %hat $ just tol. -ou! What .o -ou think<A

;# r#'l#ct#. 'or a mom#nt s#arching his min. 'or an- hi..#n r#actionsit might hous# shrugg#. his shoul.#rs an. sai. @h!!!$!!!$ think!!!$ think

-ou ar# a s#nsiti(# '#llo%! $nt#llig#nt! You!!!ar# t-pical o' cours# #c#pt

-ou a.mit li'#s horror -ou ha(# contact %ith it! Most p#opl# su''#r %ith

a smil# b#caus# th#- su''#r una%ar#s! $' onl- th#- ha. th# %or.s to

#pr#ss th# things insi.# th#m thos# things %ith sharp littl# t##th th#

things -ou .#scrib#. all th# things that g#t r#pr#ss#.!!!th#n th#- %oul.

burst into t#ars cr-ing an. lik#l- n#(#r stop!A

;# gaug#. m- r#action! ;is min. %ork#. almost #clusi(#l- on an

anal-tical l#(#l! $ ha. #p#ct#. a mor# #motional r#spons# not #actl-

s-mpath- but an #mpath#tic no. at th# l#ast! @>ut %hat about -ou th#n!

You ha(# th# %or.s an. th# kno%l#.g# -ou2r# a%ar# o' th# human

pr#.icam#nt2 ho% .o -ou han.l# it< $ m#an ha(#n2t -ou ha.!!!at l#ast

som# kin. o' similar #p#ri#nc#<A

@' cours# Y#s! =(#r-.a- =(#r-on# .o#s %h#th#r th#- kno% it or not!

,ist#n $ %#nt through all th# sam# things -ou2(# no% just .#scrib#.!;o% .o $ .#al %ith th#m< W#ll $ ha(# m- t#aching %hich $ in(#st a

goo. .#al o' m#aning into!!!an. *A

@$s that #nough<A $ int#rrupt#. him!



@W#ll it pro(i.#s s#curit-! >ut mor# importantl- it gi(#s m# purpos#!

$.#as ar# pot#nt! h#- ar# alive. "#opl# li(# or .i# su''#r or lo(# b- th#

str#nghth o' i.#as! Do -ou r#ali3# that th# (#r- soul o' man is up 'or

grabs< hat in th# n#t c#ntur- %# %ill b# .#'in#. an.

th#n nourish#. b- %hat#(#r i.#a .ominat#s th# int#ll#ctual lan.scap#<

$magin# tr-ing to think about -ours#l' or th# %orl. %ithout #(#n

unconsciousl- b#ing in'lu#nc#. b- Dar%in or 7r#u.! W#ll no% think

%hat %ill b# th# n#t i.#a that Man m#asur#s hims#l' %ith< :o %hat $

t#ach m- stu.#nts * it2s important! ,it#ratur# #sp#ciall-! $ intro.uc# to

th#s# -oung m#n an. %om#n th# b#st Man has to o''#r! $t is %ith th#s#

thoughts that $ %arm m-s#l' at night that $ prot#ct m-s#l' 'rom th# col.

%[email protected] .o -ou m#an<A

@W#ll sort o'! Call it that! Wis.om not to b# con'us#. %ith ans%#rs or

conclusions!! Don2t mock it! h# ju.gm#nt o' thos# gr#at m#n o' l#tt#rs

ha(# b##n g#tting Man through th# t#rri'-ing nights 'or c#nturi#s! $' it

%#r#n2t 'or th#m th# int#ll#ctual man %oul. not b# aroun. to.a- his

anc#stors %oul. ha(# all committ#. suici.# long ago!A

@What .o -ou t#ach<A

@7r#nch ,it an. philosoph-!A

@/n. -our happ-<A

@;app-< No! Not happ-! >ut!!!it is th# b#st %a- $ kno% ho% to li(#! $t

allo%s on# th# most 'r##.om in an int#ll#ctual s#ns#! $t gi(#s on# a

high#r consioun#ss o' things th# subtl#ti#s o' li'# ar# r#(#al#.! $t is th#

sa'#st an. h#althi#st %a- to #pan. on#2s min. to gain n#% insightsinto %hat it is to b# human! :o man- p#opl# go through li'# una%ar#!!!

inhuman!!!Dont -ou '##l th# thrill %h#n l#arning som#thing n#%<A

Marc#l2s #-#s shon# bright!



@Y#s!!!>ut!!!that .#gra.#s it to m#r# h#.onism! $ m#an l#arning ma- b# a

high#r2 pl#asur# a mor# r#'in#. pl#asur# but still!!!it2s not #nough 'or

m#! $ m#an just r#a.ing

an. consuming *A

@>ut that2s all %# ha(#!A

$ r#main#. sil#nt!

@What #ls# is th#r#<A Marc#l ask#. staring blankl- ah#a.!

h# +u#stion hung h#a(- in th# air a..ing .#pth an. %#ight an. a littl#

m#lanchol- to th# sil#nc#!

@Cr#atingA / (oic# croak#. out o' th# 'og! $t %as W#rth !;# grabb#. th#

can# an. sack 'rom Marc#l %ith his bon- cla% lik# 'ing#rs! $ ga3#. into

that anci#nt ruin#. 'ac# o' his! >lack li+ui. l#ak#. out o' his mouth

'ollo%#. a chann#l .ug into his ag#. skin an. s##p#. into his

.ish#(#l#. b#ar.! r#at .iscolor#. rings circl#. his pal# #-#s o(#r %hich

sprout#. cra3- tu'ts o' gra- #-#bro%s! ;# look#. a %il. man!

@W#rth ar# -ou !!< Whil# -ou r#st#. Marc#l2s b##n t#aching m# -our

s#cr#t art!2 A ;# just mumbl#. som#thing inau.ibl# an. shambl#. intoth# 'og! @$2ll go %ith him Marc#l!A

@/r# -ou sur#<A Marc#l ask#.!

$ %as! >#'or# $ l#'t h# coul.n2t h#lp r#spon.ing to W#rth2s comm#nt an.

tol. m# that r#a.ing in its prop#r high#st 'orm is a cr#ati(# proc#ss! $

thank#. him an. %#nt a't#r W#rth! Marc#l an. $ ha. gott#n onl- a hal'

.o3#n l##ch#s an. $ %as anious to s## a r#al #p#rt at it! /n. g#t to

kno% W#rth b#tt#r too! :## %hat prickl- things bloom#. in th# .#s#rt o'his parch#. h#art! $ %atch#. as %ith strain#. littl# cat st#ps W#rth

shu''l#. along tapping h#ar an. h#r# th# har. .ri#. #arth th#n

.isc#rning no .omicil#. slug mo(# on! o think un.#rn#ath that ari.

barr#n crust sl#pt bloo.*sucking cr#atur#s ho%



th#- .i.n2t su''acat# in th#ir o%n slim# m-sti'i#. m#! W#rth %ork#.

m#tho.icall- absorb#. %ith his task %hich as $saac ha. tol. m# h#

consi.#r#. his o%n sp#cial #ntrust#. (ocation! "#rio.icall- a t#rribl#

racking cough %#ll#. up 'rom his throat shaking his #ntir# 'ram# in

+uaking spasms! "r#s#ntl- an #sp#ciall- (iol#nt 'it o(#rtook him! ;#gasp#. lik# a 'ish 'or air! ;is knuckl#s turn#. %hit# clutching his sta''

'or balanc# as h# tott#r#. lik# a rick#t- shack in a hurrican#! $t %as

pain'ul to %atch! @W#rth!!!ar# -ou ok< Can -ou br#ath< $s th#r# an-thing

$ can g#t -ou!!!<A ;is thin arms %a(#. m# a%a-! ;# spat a larg# glob o'

mucas on th# bro%n crack#. groun. th#n inhal#. .##pl-! ;# turn#. his

%ith#r#. 'ac# to%ar. m# @$2. still kill 'or a tast# o' tabacco!A ;#

grinn#. .#(ilishl-! $2. n#(#r s##n him smil# b#'or#! @;a Y#a soun.s

lik# -ou n##. a cigg#r#tt# but 'ilt#rl#ss 'or a r#al man!A $ jok#.! $al%a-s ha. a knack 'or aclimat#ing m-s#l' to anoth#r2s #motional

atmosph#r#! $t2s b#caus# $ ha(# onl- a poorl- 'orm#. s#ns# o' s#l'! /n

#go lik# a sph#rical ball o' smok- glass! h# most obs#+uious %in.

coul. start it rolling! n its sur'ac# is r#'l#ct#. all th# .ark .istort#.

imag#s o' m- s#l' b#nt an. unr#al as un.#r%at#r b#ams o' light! W#rth

%h##3#. a laugh! @/r# -ou '##ling all right W#rth< W# %#r# %orri#.

about -ou! >#'or# %# coul.n2t g#t -ou to mo(#! $t look#. lik# -ou %#r#

in pain!A;# scrunch#. up his 'ac# an. snort#. @=h "ain!!!' cours# $2m in pain!

o li(# is pain'ul You might ask our >u..hist 'ri#n. about it! ;#

kno%s!A ;# %a(#. a .octorl- 'ing#r in th# air @h# >u..ha2s 'irst nobl#

truth * li'# is su''#ring! Not min. -ou li'# has su''#ring2 or 2-ou

cannot a(oi. su''#ring in li'#2 but that li'# at its (#r- cor# is not lo(#

nor jo- but is suffering! A

@You think< hat monk!!! $ ha(# troubl# pronouncing his nam#! $ ha. ani.#a h# %as >u..hist! $ us#. to b# into that! /r# -ou *A

@NoA W#rth snapp#.!

@h! ! Don2t b# o''#n.#. $ .i.n2t m#an an-thing!!!A



@7in# 'in#!!!A ;# grumbl#.! h#n h# ma.# an #''ort to strait#n hims#l'

up a bit $ coul. h#ar his bon#s cracking h# struck his sta'' into th#

groun. an. %ith %hat s##m#. to m# as som# inn#r monologu# h# ha.

long practic#. an. p#r'#ct#. authoritati(#l- b#gan @$ unlik# th#

'ollo%#rs o' th# >u..ha .o not r#j#ct th# man- .i''#r#nt l#(#ls o'#p#ri#nc#! o 'orsak# m- sacr#. imagination th# man- color#. j#%#l

o' artistic 'anc- in #chang# 'or th# no%2 'or th# pr#s#nt r#alit-!!! is !!!A

h# paus#. looking aroun. 'or a suitabl# %or. th#n his #-#s %i.#n#.

@blasph#mousA ;is (oic# tr#mbl#. %h#n h# spok#! ;is %or.s %#r#

har. soli. lik# rough littl# pi#c#s o' granit# th#- cam# slo%l- h#

m#asur#. th#m out as a 'in# cra'tm#n m#asur#s %oo.! What h# m#nt $

coul.n2t sa- but .#ci.#. not to pr#ss things! >#si.#s 'atigu# a't#r

con'#ssing so much to Marc#l .ragg#. m# .o%n! $ %as in th# moo. toobs#r(#! 7or th# n#t 45 minut#s or so $ 'ollo%#. W#rth as h# gath#r#.

up our l##ch*#r*ous m#al! ;# %ork#. %ithout hurr- m#tho.icall-

cl#arl- taking pri.# in %hat h# .i.! $t %as important to him! /'t#r h# ha.

coll#ct#. #nough %# %alk#. back to th# 'ir# %hich %as .#a. c#nt#r in

th# (all#-! W#rth collaps#. on a boul.#r that som#on# ha. push#. th#r#

p#rhaps just 'or him! Ear#l- .i. h# sit %ith th# r#st o' us in a circl# but

l#an#. on that rock making it #asi#r 'or him to g#t up! N#(#r b#ing part

o' that circl# ostraci3#. him to a .#gr##! $ notic#. th# oth#rs rar#l- spok#to him! /ccor.ingl- h# #(inc#. a stoli. s#l'*contain#. aura o' ston-

in.i''#r#nc#! ;# %asn2t accustom#. to

p#opl#! Most #l.#rl- p#opl# star(#. 'or con(#rsation! W#rth %as

.i''#r#nt! ;# clutch#. th# sack hugging it to his ch#st! $t s+uirm#.

rh-thmicall- in his arms! W# %ait#. 'or th# oth#rs to arri(#! $t %as

almost noon!

Chapt#r =l#(#nW#rth2s stor- an. its int#ruption b- a n#% (isitor

W#rth! 7uck W#rth! $ .on2t kno% %hat $2m .oing! his s##ms lik# such a

m#an pi#c# o' %ork! $ look at oth#r books not gr#at lit#ratur# no no(#l

.#stin#. 'or immortalit- but b#st s#ll#r mat#rial or a notch abo(# ? soli.



'lo%ing pros# a bit s#ntim#ntal p#rhaps but most importantl- #n.o%#.

%ith a''#ction an. this '##ls !!!un* grac#'ul! What ar# i.#as or insights

or th#s# un'it %or.s compar#. to lo(#s sa(ing grac#< $' onl- $ ha.

som#on# $ %oul.n2t %aist th# 'init# hours sitting h#r# alon# t-ping out

sull#n phras#s that %ill not smil# at m#! What is th# %orth o'un.#rstan.ing %h#n a %arm bo.- sings .#sir#< Not that $2. kno%!

Mon#- mak#s th# %orl. go roun. but lo(# is its soli. ais! ;a(# -ou

#(#r h#ar. o' that 'orm o' canc#r 'oun. occasionall- in th# ja% o' n#%

born in'ants< $t2s rar#! /s soon as th# t#chnolog- b#cam# a(ailabl#

.octors simpl- r#mo(#. th# chil.2s ja% an. th#- %#r# sa(#.! 7rom

canc#r that is not th# basic human con.ition! "racticall- all %#r# lat#r

to commit suici.# L pr#s#ntl- th# #l#(#nth l#a.ing caus# o' .#ath in

/m#rica! h#- .i. it b#caus# a p#rson cannot li(# unlo(#.! Not an#ntir# li'#tim#! /n. %ho coul. lo(# a 'r#ak %ith hal' a 'ac# missing<

$t r#min.s m# o' a %hat a 'r#in. onc# put to m#! /t ag# t%#l(# %# %#r#

both

morbi.l- ob#s#! ;# %as sitting on his b#. in shorts staring at th# girth

o' his thigh! ;# look#. up at m# an. sai. in a .isgust#. (oic# @o.

Who coul. lo(# that <A $ kno% that2s .i''#r#nt2 -ou2r# thinking a p#rson can al%a-s sh#. a '#% poun.s right<2 Ma-b#! $ m-s#l' no%

%#igh o(#r I00 poun.s! $2(# t%ic# lost an. r#gain#. on# hun.r#. o'

th#m! :till som#thing %ithin hi..#n an. unapp#asabl# calls 'or

mutilation! his s#l'* hatr#. has a 'ac# * m- o%n! "lus this poun.ag#

prot#cts m# 'rom lo(#! M- ph-sical ap#ar#nc# is an out%ar.

mani'#station o' th# glut rot '#st#ring insi.#! Christ! $2m 'orcing m-s#l'

to go on k##p br#athing labour#.l- #(#n %h#n inst#a. o' air it '##ls

lik# $2m sucking mu. ! $ can '##l som#thing .ragging m# .o%n pullingm# back in tim#! Wh- #(#n %rit# all this!!!it is m#.iocr# at b#st!!!can

th#r# #(#n b# an-on# out th#r# r#a.ing this no%< /noth#r h#art min.

an. soul to (itali3# th#s# %or.s< r is this just pulp an. ink!!!#l#ctronic

blips on a comput#r scr##n %ritt#n b- a man a'rai. to li(# lo(# or b#



lo(#.!!! postponing #ntranc# into th# blossoming plac#s o' this hurt

ba''l#. plan#t!!!

ut o' th# 'og ,#na %alk#. b- sh# ha. h#r lo(#l- arms %rapp#. about

=ug#n#2s %ast# an. h# lik#%is#! $ %atch#. h#r bo- hips shi't un.#r th#cou.#roth# s#rpatin# s%a- o' h#r back hair bobbing so't an. black! /

mom#nt lat#r sh# cam# back alon# @;#- s#-A :h# call#. to m# an.

plopp#. .o%n b#si.# l#gs cross#. l#aning back support#. b- h#r arms

#-#ing m# sl-l- 'rom th# si.#! @Whats up<A sh# ask#. smacking h#r

lips! $ al%a-s 'ro3# at such mom#nts! $saac ha. tol. m# h# '#lt in'#rior

aroun. h#r! =actl-! :h# %as th# ph-sical incarnation o' ;#alth! :h#

#u.#. ph-sical %#ll b#ing its sm#ll clung to th# .o%n- hairs on h#r

arm! @Just chilln!A $ ha. a .#a. .#pr#ss#. 'ac# that hung o'' m- skull

lik# 'ol.s o' putt- an. a (oic# sarcastic an. monoton#! /n #+uisit#

co(#r stor- 'or th# .-ing chil. spitting up bloo. an. mucus in m- b#ll-!

/ smooth con'i.#nt p#rsona (oic# an. tact %ithout t#nsion! ;#r (oic#

%as a bit .##p a bit sill- an. uncontroll#.! $ sai. to h#r @M# an. W#rth

%#r# rustling up grub! r grubs an-%a-!!!$ sa(#. th# l#ast .isgusting on#

'or -our .#licat# mouth! r %hat#(#r -ou us# th#s# slugs 'or!!! $ think

Marc#l .ri#s th#m out an. .o#s 'ilth- things %ith th#m!A

:h# giggl#. an. slapp#. m- arm! ;#r #-#s .isapp#aring in s+uint-

cr#sc#nt moons o' .#light! @What .2-ou think $ .o %ith 2#m<A :h# sai.

smiling an. bobbing h#r #-#bro%s hint*hint lik# in a (au.#(ill# act th#n

laugh#. 'rom h#r ab.om#n! :o br##3-!

@:o %hat2s th# .#al %ith -ou an. =ug#n#< You kno% h# has s-philis!A

@What< ;# .o#s not You2r# so stupi.A :h# %as a littl# bir.i# o'

'lirtation! @No %#2r# just 'ri#n.s! /lthough $ ha(# s##n him %ith hisshirt o''!A :h# rais#. h#r #-#bro%s @$2. lik# to g#t a bit# o' thatA goo'-

laught#r!

@hmm! $ s##! ;#2s ga-!A



@:top it ;#2s ok! ;# just .o#sn2t lik# to talk!!!!-ou kno% -ou n#(#r

smil#!A

@No<A

@$2(# n#(#r s##n -ou smil#!A

@Ma-b# its b#caus# $ am un*lo(#.!A =(#n though $ m#ant it an. most o'

th# things $ sa- p#opl# ar# n#(#r sur# i' $2m joking or b#ing s#rious! h#

in'l#ction o' m- (oic# b#tra-s no clu#!

,#na a%#.! @/r# -ou ticklish<A :h# ha. a .#(ilish sn#ak- +ualit- to h#r

#-#s!

@nl- in on# sp#ci'ic ar#a!A :h# laugh#. th#n grabb#. m- si.#s tr-ing totickl# m#! M- 'ac# shot tomato r#. a 'lush o' #mbarrass#. panic $

al%a-s '#lt lik# apologi3ing 'or m-

#ist#nc# as i' m#r#l- looking upon m- unsightl- (isag# o''#n.#. th#

s#nsibiliti#s o' th# 'air#r s#! >#ing touch#. ma.# m# so

uncom'ortabl#!!!%r#tch#. at m- path#tic %#akn#ss m- bo.- m- sham#!

$ .#spis#! h %hat s%##t bull#t %ill r#al#as# m# 'rom such hat#< M#rc-

is a noos#!

@,o%#r!A $ jok#. unsmiling! :h# stop#.! hinking back on it no% $

shoul. ha(# th#n tickl#. h#r!!!but $ %as paral-#. %ith s#l'*scorn an.

mis#r-! >#si.#s th# mom#nt sh# touch#. m# m- h#art burst into 'lam#s

broiling m- courag# into an #(aporat#. clou. o' un*'##ling! h# h#at

ros# to m- h#a. an. si33l#. m- brain! #n.#rn#ss $ h#l. back t#ars! $

%oul.2(# cri#. but $ kill#. o'' that bit o' soul capabl# o' b#ing lo(#. in

or.#r to a(oi. such '##lings! $t2s ho% $ manag#!

:om#on# onc# sai. to m# @$ts lik# -ou .i#. an. som#on# 'orgot to bur-

th# corps#!A h# sci#ntists can tr- all th#- %ant to cr#at# li'# in a p#tri

.ish! h#- surl- %ill 'ail! $t is not #l#ctricit- or mol#cul#s put in motion

but lo(# that animat#s 'l#sh! $n.##. $ b#li#(# it possibl# i' a m#r# ston#

%#r# lo(#. #nough 'or it to spring to li'# an. r#turn th# a''#ction! $n



'act on# .a- $ ask#. Chuang %hat song it %as h# sang %hil# pushing his

boul.#r uphill! @$t is sp#cial songA h# ans%#r#. @to mak# rock happ-! $

sing it 'or rock to b# happ-!A

Na3is!!! 7ascists!!!%#r# th#- so %rong< o kin.l# gr#at bon*'ir#s %ithlit#rar- .ross< $ .on2t think so! h#- just lack#. goo. tast#! %o paths

l#a. to a b#tt#r %orl. * to bring b#aut- into cr#ation or to .#stro- all that

%hich is not b#aut-! h#- ha. onl- th# latt#r option sinc# th#- lo(#. not

m#n but .octrin# an. ha. to supr#ss th#ir o%n humanit- in 'a(or o'

b#coming m#r# polic-! /rt is th# on# thing that r#'ut#s .ogmatism sinc#

it is

unjusti'iabl#! M#n su''#r an. .i# 'or it -#t it '##.s no star(ing chil.r#n

nor abolish#s injustic# nor pro(i.#s m#.ical car# 'or th# sick! /rt .o#snot gi(# a man r#asons to li(# or lo(# .o#s gi(# n#ith#r courag# nor

str#ngth an. as br#a. 'or th# soul it hol.s no nourishm#nt9 man- an

artist has tri#. to sup on art alon# onl- to .i# spirituall- 'amish#.

unabl# to sta- th# .#(il2s han. 'rom 'orcing th# kni'#2s kiss! Liss! $t is a

t#lling %or.! Much is r#(#al#. b- a soci#t-2s l#icon! =(#r-on# kno%s

'or instanc# th# pl#thora o' (arious %or.s =skimo2s ha(# 'or sno%! $n

=nglish th#r# is on# an. onl- on# t#rm to .#scrib# that ubi+uitous

ph-sical act so pr#(al#nt so cons#+u#ntial an. n#c#ssar- so uni+u#l-human %hich %# call th# kiss2 $t s#r(#s no 'unction /rt an. in .oing

so pro(#s that Man is mor# than a m#r# biological machin# %ith n##.s

that transc#n. th# rational! Not to sa- art is irrational it is simpl- non*

rational! $t transc#n.s th# rational r#ach#s past its limits to touch upon a

.#ns#r mor# rar#'i#. air! ransrational is %hat #n Wilb#r calls it

pointing as #ampl# th# koans o' #n * %hat is th# soun. o' on# han.

clapping2 %hat .i. -our 'ac# look lik# b#'or# -our moth#r %as born2

#tc %hich man- %#st#rn#rs ha(# con'us#. %ith th# irrational chil.ishranting o' (arious proph#tic charlatans! What .i. th# :panish #plor#rs

o' ol. sa-< @$t is n#c#ssar- to tra(#l it is not n#c#ssar- to li(#!A /rt is

both n#c#ssar- an. us#l#ss! "#rhaps in th# high#st s#ns# all things ar#!

/n. although th# po#ts still tr- in plac# o' a lo(ing go. to .#i'- (#rs#

into an absolut# man- .i#ing .#spair*ri..#n impo(#rish#. o' spirit still



it is nothing compar#. %ith lo(#! /n- soci#t- that .o#s not lo(# its

#n#m- #(#n as its citi3#ns massacur# th#ir chil.r#n is sustain#. b- th#

D#ath principal! D#ath as #acutionar o' us all is th# onl- %holl-

rational 'orc# op#rating on this plan#t!

hink o' o.2s lo(#! $t is impossibl#! ,ook at %hat %#2(# .on# to #ach

oth#r th#

plan#t an. ours#l(#s9 look at our scorn 'or sanctit- in th# m#als %# #at

th# con.uct %ith %# justi'- our %#alth th# attitu.#s %# culti(at# in or.#r

to ignor# th# su''#ring o' oth#rs!!!!%ithout apolog- $t is not rational

compr#h#nsibl# or #(#n possibl# 'or o. to lo(# us! Y#t ;# .o#s!

W#rth! W#rth st-l#. hims#l' a mak#r o' (#rs#! his com#ing 'rom ,#na

sinc# W#rth hims#l' %oul. truck '#% %or.s %ith m#! $n ,#na2s pr#s#nc#

h#r natural (i(acit- $ imagin#. #cit#. him agitat#. into a%ak#ning

his oth#r%is# 'a.#. l#thargic spirit in th# p#r'#ctions an. po%#r o'

b#aut- sh# #mbo.i#. an. h# b#cam# gr#garious! / %oman pulls a man

out o' hims#l' out into th# %orl.! What man .o#s not '##l a gr#at#r

participation in li'# mor# ali(# mor# r#al #(#n in(igorat#. spirituall-

an. ph-sicall- %h#n con(#rsing %ith b#aut- human or .i(in# ma.# or

natural< ;is stor- $ got in

basics ? born in =nglan. W#rth %ork#. o.. jobs all his li'# mostl- in

sup#r mark#ts occasionall- making manag#r %hich b#caus# it

.#man.#. littl# m#ntal #''ort a''or.#. him at night th# stamina

n#c#ssar- to go hom# an. %rit# po#tr-! /s a -oung man h# onc# '#ll in

lo(# %ith a pri(il#g#. girl 'rom :outh /'rica but b#'or# that lo(# coul.

rip#n sh# %as call#. back to /'rica b- h#r %#alth- par#nts! W#rth

partiall- .#morali3#. b- h#a(- .rinking coul. garn#r no courag# to'ollo%! 7rom th#n on h# sank into lon#l- bitt#rn#ss 'or som# -#ars

corr#spon.ing %ith th# -oung girl through th# mail until his l#tt#rs

b#gan to b#com# bi3arr# incoh#r#nt an. so 'righning h#r that sh# cut

him o'' compl#t#l-! ;# #(#n a.mitt#. that h# %oul. s#n. h#r l#tt#rs

%ritt#n %ith his l#'t han. so as to alt#r th#



han.%riting posing as his pr#s#nt though actuall- non*#ist#nt

girl'ri#n. thr#at#ning that W#rth %as her man an. nobo.- ha. b#tt#r

tr- to st#al him 'rom h#r! ;is .rinking caus#. him s#(#ral jobs an. it

can sa'#l- b# sai. h# %as a 'ailur# b- th# %orl.s stan.ar.! ;# ha. littl#

or no .ri(# an. occasionall- 'oun. hims#l' paral-3#. %ith .#spairsom# .a-s unabl# to #(#n g#t out o' b#. 'or %ork or an-thing #ls#!

%ic# h# %as hospitali3#. 'or @n#r(#sA %hich $ susp#ct %#r# suici.#

att#mpts an. %oul. th#n go on th# %agon b#'or# in#(itabl#- r#lapsing!

h#s# last 1& -#ars h# has b##n sob#r sinc# 'i't- #ight 'ull- .#(oting

hims#l' in spurts o' int#ns# cr#ati(it- 'ollo%#. b- long months*#(#n

-#ars* o' barr#n l#tharg- to his po#ms! :#(#ral ha(# b##n publish#.

though h# n#(#r manag#. to g#t a book o' th#m tog#th#r! >#caus# o'

som# (agu# m#ntal illn#ss h# onl- allu.#. bri#'l- an. obscur#l- to h#2s b##n coll#cting ::$ 'or n#arl- thirt- -#ars %hich %ithout a job to 'orc#

him into soci#t- has isolat#. him 'urth#r into his o%n min.! $2(# 'oun.

that %ithout %ork man has littl# to groun. hims#l' to an. th# 'irst har.

%in. to com# along %ill uproot him! h#n again ma-b# W#rth %as that

aoist tr## Chuang spok# about that b#caus# o' its us#l#ssn#ss sur(i(#.

to ol. ag# ! $ '#lt pit- 'or W#rth! $' onl- som#on# ha. b##n th#r# to h#lp

culti(at# his tal#nt a %oman or m#ntor a t#ach#r #(#n to #ncourag#

him chann#l his #n#rgi#s pro.ucti(#l-! 7or him na(igating th# %orl. pro(#. probl#matic as i' to ori#nt hims#l' on this plan#t h# %#r# using

a .#tail#. map o' som# ali#n plan#t! / man o' supr#m# practic#.

impractabilit-! ;is tim# consum#. in th# 'ir#s o' cr#ation h#2. #n. up

%ith stacks o' (#rs#*'ill#. not#*books an. th#n not kno% %hat to .o

%ith th#m! Without an au.i#nc# an artist is just a lon#l- p#rson! $t is th#

au.i#nc# %hich trans'orms b- magic cr#ating a thir. #ntit- L/rt out o'

th# t%o parti#s9 a m#r#

'ri#n.l#ss man or %oman %ho ma- scribbl# po#s- no% an. again intoan artist prop#r /lon# %# .o not #(#n #ist! $ am not * W# ar#! : =liot

ask#. @Who is th# thir. %ho %alks al%a-s b#si.# -ou<A $t is that

phantom pot#ntialit- 'or /rt that $ sp#ak o'!



Whil# ,#na tol. m# all this $ burn#. th# #ntir#t- o' h#r mo(#m#nts into

m- m#mor- 9 th# turn o' h#r .#licat# %rist h#r tin- 'oot tapping to som#

inn#r rh-thm onl- sh# coul. h#ar h#r mi.ri'' bar# bron3#. an. har.

h#r ch#st2s r#la#. s%#ll an. 'all as sh# br#ath#. h#r promin#nt

shoul.#rs hill- %hit# lan.scap#s o' .#sir#!!!h#r ghost still tha%s m-'rost- thoughts #(#n no% it ho(#rs abo(# m- h#a. imploring m# !!!i'

onl- $ kn#% what to .o all m- str#ngth o' soul $ %oul. put into that

#n.#a(or!!!$ %ait to l#ap into action as a .og a%aits it2s mast#rs

comman.! ;#r #cho mak#s .#man.s that $ .o not un.#rstan.! /h!!!at

l#ast h#r# in m- imagination $ am 'r## to sculpt h#r imag# out o' th# air

cut %ith %or.s an. phras#s .ull impr#cis# instrum#nts but sharp#n#.

b- a %ill .#sp#rat# #nough to s## li'# in %hat amounts onl- to its

'ractur#. r#'l#ction th# .#bris boun. loos#l- tog#th#r b- strips o'm#mor- $ si't through m- nostalgias 'or h#r phantom corps# an.

animat# it %ith th# occult magic o' cr#ati(# sp##ch an. li#s! >- this art

ha(# $ a..#. %#ight to m- r#m#mbranc# o' h#r is sh# mor# r#al mor#

corporal to m- touch< No! $ can onl- hop# to r#n.#r (isibl# to -ou a

littl# pi#c# o' %hat ma.# h#r b#auti'ul!

W#rth stoo. b#si.# us immobil# p#rhaps not #(#n list#ning lost in th#

'ogs o' .#m#ntia! :u..#nl- a burst o' tumult! 7rom th# light#. 'og

stumbl#. a man %il.*#-#. ho%ling h-st#ricall-! ;# lurch#. 'or%ar.an. crash#. b#t%##n us %ith a thu. thro%ing up clou.s o' rust*r#. .ust!

,#na ga(# a littl# shri#k an. pounc#. to h#r '#at! $ just star#.! @What

%as that< $s #(#r-on# alright<A =ug#n#2s (oic# call#. out! W# look#. at

#ach

oth#r ,#na2s p#arl o' a .olls mouth hung op#n! $ labor#. to m- '##t

Lal%a-s an #mbarrassing thing to s## a 'at man .o an. 'lipp#. th# h#a(-

man on his back! ut col.! $ kn##l#. .o%n! =ug#n# call#. out again!$saac app#ar#. @$s #(#r-thing * oh ,ook at that! /noth#r on# ;uh!!!$2ll

b#! ;#2s br#athing<A

@Y#a $ gu#ss!!!h# s##ms ok!!!A $ stamm#r#. not r#all- kno%ing!

@Di. h# sa- an-thing<A



@No! No h# just!!!rush#. out an. collaps#.!A

@;# %as cr-ing! ;# look#. scar#.!A ,#na sai. conc#rn straining h#r

'ac#!

@;uh! $ %on.#r %h#r# #2s 'rom< ,ooks /m#rican! Chaung might b#

right! E#m#mb#r< ;# sai. th# r#st %oul. sho% up soon #nough an. so

'ar h#s right! With him that l#a(#s onl- on# mor# l#'t to com#!A

=ug#n# sho%#. up! @,ook =ug#n# anoth#r on#! ;# hasn2t talk#. -#t

but $ b#t h#2s /m#rican! ,ooks lik# it #h< :houl. $ go g#t Wol' th#n< o

ch#ck him out<A

=ug#n# no..#. an. $saac took o''! ,#na stoo. b#si.# =ug#n# arms

cross#. grimacing biting h#r lo%#r lip appr#h#nsi(#l-! :o 'ragil#!!!$

-#arn#. to hug h#r bo.- clos# to min# so sh# might b# com'ort#. b- th#

st#a.- puls# o' m- lo(#!!!but $ %orri#. m- clums- 'at han.s %oul.

br#ak h#r i' #(#r th#- #mbrac#. that %illo%- 'igur#!!! ,ittl# pit- 'rom th#

con.#mn#. man or th# b#. boun. bo- .#t#riorating 'rom canc#r! h#-

ha(# 7at# to curs# at to hurl in(#cti(#s an. poun. th# pa(#m#nt %ith

'urious 'ists! M- imprisonm#nt is s#l'* ma.#! rapp#. in s%aths o'

.#nsit- $ 'loun.#r 'or air onl- 'or that part o' m# a .ark smiling bo-

%ith ra3or2. t##th an. no #-#s L'or i' sight#. ho% possibl- coul. h#r#sist s#tting m# 'r## upon looking at that so't skin o' ,#na2s %hit#

in'us#. %ith th# subtl#st

pink 'lush about h#r ch##ks lik# an opium popp- %hos# roun. o(al

h#a. plump an. in(iting promis#s narcotic r#li#' an. .r#am-

#cit#m#nt ho% not s#t m# 'r## to hol. h#r to b#com# on# %ith h#r an.

shar# in that 'ragil# '#minin# sun< buri#s m# in th# c#llar o' his '#ti.

%#akn#ss#s! hat bo- hijacking m- n#ck muscl#s has m# no. cons#ntto th# portl- ##cution#r %ho un.#r his black hoo. pulls th# s%itch

again an. again an. again! $t2s t#rribl# stri'# kno%ing that th# sourc# o'

th# plagu# is on#s#l' that -ou are th# illn#ss! Di#t! Whisp#r that %or. in

m- pr#s#nc# an. point#. sham# pricks tin- hol#s in m- .a- 'or night to

shin# through! M- hung#r a scar#. littl# .#mon bo-! $' $ %#r# a gr#at#r



man $ %oul. %ith kin.n#ss or bra(#r- hol. him in m- arms con'i.#nt in

car# o' m- prot#ction9 but m- :#l' (ouchsa'#s no trust9 so h# guar.s

against th# .ark lon#lin#ss %ith .ining! "lugging th# .ark hol# o' his

mouth %ith 'oo. so that no 'right#ning things can #nt#r but abs#nt that

'oo. his t##th s##k som# oth#r m#al to o(#r%h#lm an. m- h#art isscarr#. %ith t##th marks! 7oolishl- $ pra- not 'or courag# in th# .ark

but to b# sa(#. in th# light! 7or th# ki.napp#r som#tim#s th# hostag# is

th# onl- 'ri#n.! $ %atch#. =ug#n# p#rspir# con'i.#nt (irilit- su''using

th# atmosph#r# %ith an aura o' assur#.n#ss! ,#na inhal#. .##p o' that

musk! :h# (#r- much ha. som#thing o' th# chil. about h#r an. $

nothing o' th# a.ult! ,ooking .o%n into th# .irt $ hung#r#. 'or l##ch!

$saac cam# back %ith Wol'gang ! ;# #amin#. th# n#% gu- list#ning to

his ch#st an. ch#cking his br#athing! ;# stoo. back @/s 'or as $ am abl#

to t#ll h# is in no .ang#r! "#rhaps som# %at#r might h#lp! $2ll sta- b- his

si.# until h# r#(i(#s!A

,#na kn#lt b#'or# th# 'all#n man an. brush#. back his unrul- gr#as-

hair! ;# ha. a high hair*lin# lat# &0s #arl- I02s alr#a.- b#ginning to

bal.! ;#r #-#s moist#n#. %ith

t#n.#rn#ss an. pit- th# .#licac- o' h#r '#atur#s (ic# gripp#. m- h#art *ho% coul. such b#aut- #ist :uch car#l#ss b#aut-!!!artl#ss sh# %or# no

mak#up but l#t th# inn#r light paint h#r %ith ros- tints an. sha.#s o' pal#

blu#! $ tri#. to star# past h#r skin to %hat brightl- burning light

animat#. h#r insi.#! >lushing $ %on.#r#. i' sh# look#. at m# lik# that

%h#n $ la- unconscious un.#r $saac2s sup#r(ision!!!>ut no! $ am

unsightl-! /n. -#t th# man b#'or# us %as too! /lthough not th# 'at

slouching b#ast that $ %as h# %as still a goo. 55 poun.s o(#r%#ight! /

%il. bro%n b#ar. %ith 'in# hairs that t%ist#. an. %oun. .isgustingl-

about his plump r#. pout- lips! ;# ha. a larg# roun.#. nos# %ith am#at- long 'ac# as an =ast#r islan. statut# might r#s#mbl# a't#r

'att#ning up som# it ga(# him a trollish look! $ onl- sa- that %ithout

sp#aking to th# man h# %oul. app#ar to m# most at hom# b#n#ath som#

small %oo.#n toll bri.g# locat#. .##p in som# %oo. un.#r %hich h#

coul. s+uat gr##.il- .#(ouring >ill-*goats! ;is 'lor#sc#nt %hit# b#ll-



hung out o' a black t##*shirt %ith skull! D#spit# his girth his arms %#r#

muscl#. som#! ;is blu# j#ans ha. t#ars! $ notic#. a tin- sil(#r snak#

pi#rcing his l#'t #ar! ..l- an. p#rhaps $ am #sp#ciall- s#nsiti(# to

th#s# things his #-#s although a subtl# obs#r(ation $ notic#. %#r# not

+uit# s-mm#trical in his 'ac#! :-mm#tr- b#ing a pr#*r#+uisit# to b#aut-!:ci#ntists ha(# .on# t#sts #posing (olunt##rs to photos o' p#opl# an.

ha(ing th#m rat# th# attracti(#n#ss o' #ach! h#- 'oun. that th# most

important 'actor an. $ %oul. ha(# sai. goo. skin is that a p#rsons2

'#atur#s b# s-mm#trical! $t is th# sam# in /rt! 7laub#rt has sai. @h#r# is

n#(#r an- n##. to b# a'rai. o' #agg#ration in art!A :o long that is as

th# #agg#ration is @continuous an. proportionat# to its#l'!A $ 'in.

proportion in ar#as #motional spiritual mat#rial an. a#sth#tic to b# k#-

in a(oi.ing unn#c#ssar- pain so

much su''#ring alr#a.- b#ing a pr#con.ition o' conscious li(ing! $t %as

onl- a't#r $ ha. 'ull- un.#rstoo. th# rami'ications o' this that $ acc#pt#.

th# possibilit- o' h#ll! "r#(iousl- $ ha. al%a-s b##n shock#. outrag#.

morall- that an- b#ing #(#n th# bas#st l#t alon# go. %oul. .oom a

p#rson to an #t#rnit- o' torm#nt! $ #(#n brought this up %ith h#ophan

to %hich h# r#pli#. %ith s-mpath- but also st#a.'ast r#solut#n#ss @$t is

onl- 'air! $' th#r# is a h#a(#n th#n h#ll must compl#m#nt its #ist#nc#!

;o% coul. it b# 'air 'or a p#rson %ho has stri(#n an. 'ought to li(#right#ousl- to b# #nt#r#. into h#a(#nl- bliss 'or all #t#rnit- onl- 'or th#

p#rson %ho commits his li(#lihoo. to #(il %h#th#r 'rom la3in#ss or

ignoranc# or #(#n pr#'#r#nc# to #njo- th# sam# r#%ar. in #t#rnit- a't#r

a 'init# punishm#nt< /ssur#. o' #(#rlasting lo(# in h#a(#n %h- not th#n

li(# a .#bauch#. #ist#nc# i' th# punishm#nt is but t#mporar- %hil# th#

r#%ar. #t#rnal< 7urth#rmor# in th# ortho.o church to %hich $ b#long

%# .o not b#li#(# in purgator-! N#ith#r th# bibl# nor th# saints m#ntion

such a plac# it is th# l#galistic r#asoning o' Man, #spous#. in %#st#rnChristianit- that in(#nt#. such a thing9 pr#sumabl- so that th# .i(in#

plan %hich must r#main a m-st#r- to Man might b#com# mor#

humanl- compr#h#nsibl#! >ut it is a 'als# hoo.! h#r# is no such plac#

as "urgator-!A :till m- h#art r#b#ll#. at this r#asoning %h#n $ thought o'

a punishm#nt #(#rlasting9 until $ thought about th# uni(#rs# spiritual



an. mat#rial as an art%ork n##.'ul o' balanc# 'or th# sak# o' totalit-

an. compl#t#n#ss9 in oth#r %or.s $ imagin#. %hat an a#sth#ticall-

p#r'#ct #ist#nc# %oul. look lik#! $t %as 'or a#sth#tic r#asons o' just

s-mm#tr- that a man %ho li(#. in this li'# .#c#it'ull- must l#a. a

s-mm#trical #ist#nc# o' p#r'i.- in th# a't#rli'# so that th# th#m# o' hisli'# in this %orl. b# mirror#. in th# n#t just as th# 'irst hal' o' a no(#l

cannot b#

r#alistic an. naturalistic an. th#n at mi.point turn compl#t#l-

all#gorical or 'antastical %ithout its b#ing corrupt#. a#sth#ticall- ! $

%on.#r#. i' an- o' this %as r#'l#ct#. in th# aoist conc#pt o' Yin an.

Yang< $ ma.# a m#ntal not# to ask Chuang about it lat#r!

@;# shoul. b# ok!A $ sai. mainl- to attract ,#na2s att#ntion a%a- 'romth# n#%com#r an. back to m#! :h# sigh#. .##pl- no..#. th#n sprang

up looking not at m# but =ug#n# pr#sumabl- to ch#ck th# (#racit- o'

m- stat#m#nt! @,#t him r#st! Wol'gang %ill look a't#r him! $t2s tim# to

#at! W#rth< W#rth!A W#rth ga(# a start immobil# all this tim# s##mingl-

obli(ious r#sting on his boul.#r lik# a satis'i#. li3ar. th#n %ithout

looking up sli. o'' his pouch an. han.#. it to =ug#n# %ho ga(# us

#ach our slim- cant##ns! $ %ish $ coul. stir assuranc# in h#r h#art or an-

%omans but $ ha(# ha. this .#sir# so long 'rustrat#. an. 'ro3#n %ithinthat its ic# has spr#a. throughout th# r#st o' m- b#ing r#n.#ring m# a

frozen man paral-3#.!!!Not #(#n to m-s#l' .o $ #ncourag# 'aith $ kno%

onl- too %#ll m- s#l' m- #(#r- g#stur# %rought %ith 'la%s an. 'ailur#

as a hous# built o' .amp %oo. 'rom tr##s rich in nutri#nt to c#rtain

cr#atur#s is ri..l#. %ith ra(#nous t#rmit#s! housan.s o' th# ins#cts

gna%ing inc#ssantl- at th# substanc# o' its 'ram#9 a'rai. o' th# sil#nc#

%hich r#n.#rs au.ibl# th# t#rmit#s chirping clacking ch#%ing s#n.ing

sli(#rs o' grating horror up m- chill- spin# $ 'ill th# air %ith a clashingmusic pi#rcing an. un%hol#som# to blot out th# soun. o' rot! Not so

.isharmonious m- purpl# toung#. .iscours# but it s#r(#s th# purpos#

k##ping hi..#n that sam# sonata o' .isint#gration!

Chapter Twelve



TheSound of Decay

$n all m- -#ars a't#r all th# (ari#. books r#a. a't#r commis#rating %ithm#n

hom#l#ss an. m#n high*ranking 'rom th# h#roin a..icts to th#

ps-chologists $ ha(# l#arn#. t%o things onl- an. m#r#l- susp#ct a

thir.! 7irstl- $ kno% that th# man b- hims#l' has littl# chanc# an. that

th# man %ho li(#s onl- 'or hims#l' has non#! $n th# communit- o' m#n

is th# po%#r to r#sist #(il outsi.# that communit- la- .#sir#s

tr#ach#rous an. un.#niabl#! Most cl#arl- o. is in th# group! :#con.l-

$ kno% that lo(# is th# most important thing th# on# thing n##.'ul th#last s#rious thing! /n. although $ can2t sp#ak authoritati(#l- $ thir.l-

susp#ct that man is incapabl# o' th# most m#ag#r goo. th# slight#st

b#n#'ic# %ithout th# rac# o' o. #(#n i' ;is han. gui.#s in s#cr#t! $

.on2t kno% ho% to lo(# or b# lo(#. ho% to accor. rac# a plac#

unsoil#. %ithin m- clutt#r#. h#art or li(# %ith succ#ss among oth#r

p#opl#9 onl- that th#s# things ar# (ital an. $ ought to l#arn th#m! o

%rit# is r#all- to sp#ak to on#s#l' in th# hop#s that som#on# %ill list#n

in! $t is as 'arth#st a%a- 'rom .ialogu# as on# can g#t %ithout #nt#ringinto a prop#r solipsistic monologu#! /n. as Camus onc# sai. @on th#

stag# as in li'# th# monologu# proc##.s .#ath!A Wh#n $ sp#ak to oth#rs

inst#a. o' partn#r#. sp##ch it is mor# lik# an anal-st %ho r#'l#cts back

to th# pati#nts th#ir o%n r#pr#s#ntation %ith comm#ntar-! nc# a 'ri#n.

o' min# J#ss# ro.# in th# back o' m- car as $ .ro(#! ;# happ#n#. to b#

un.#r th# in'lu#nc# o' ,:D %hich although th#- ar# mostl- o(#rblo%n

an. short*li(#. can con'#r som# insights onto a p#rson! $n 'act $ o't#n

ha. such #p#ri#nc#s th# .rug 'orcing m# out o' m-s#l' magni'-ing th#

slight#st g#stur#s o' a

p#rson! h# #ntir# n#t%ork o' th#ir thought chann#ls %oul. op#n up to

m# un'ol. as it %#r# an. #ach %or. utt#r#. or thought th#- conc#al#.

$ notic#. mani'#st#. ph-sicall- in th#ir p#rson b#tra-#. p#rhaps b- a

tic or concor.ant mo(#m#nts o' a subtl# lip t%itch or 'lutt#r o' th# #-#



li.! :o $ took it s#riousl- %h#n J#ss# a't#r sil#ntl- obs#r(ing m# in

social .iscours# %ith s#(#ral .i''#r#nt p#opl# su..#nl- announc#. that $

ha. no p#rsonalit-9 that in 'act m- inn#r cor# %as #mpt- an. contain#.

nothing but astut# mimicr-! ;# %as right! :o uni+u#l- 'or m# it is onl-

in th# t-p# o' 'au .ialogu# that %riting pro(i.#s that $ can b# m-s#l'9an. an astut# r#a.#r %ill notic# ho% (ari#. m- int#ractions ar# %ith sa-

,#na %ith %hom $ com# o'' as in.i''#r#nt an. a bit r#s#r(#. than %ith

$saac %ith %hom $ r#(#al m- .#monstrati(# s#l' to or to Wol'gang to

%hom $ .#'#r %ith r#sp#ct! ' cours# $ appr#ciat#. also th# oth#rs

%ithout ha(ing ma.# up m- min. about =ug#n# or W#rth9 an.

conc#rning ,#na this b#cam# a %all b#t%##n us h#r una''#ct#.

r#lationship %ith th# %orl. aroun. through %hich on# coul. .isc#rn th#

'#cun. 'orc#s o' Natur# in h#rs#l' an. #(#n th# (#r- curr#nts o' th#cosmos th# stars .isrob#. th#ir brillianc# in th# smooth mo(#m#nts o'

h#r lith# 'ing#rs that b#ing an i.#alist $ ha. th# har.#st tim# tr-ing to

p#r(#rt h#r in th# s#ual r#(#ri#s $ #nt#rtain#. %h#n alon#! :# 'or

h#r!!!it %oul. b# as natural an. #as- as br#athing or %alking across a

room but $ '#lt $ %oul. stain it2s =.#n*lik# innoc#nc# %ith m- n#urotic

tr#ach#rous :#l' %hich inst#a. o' r#'l#cting th# passag# o' th# stars

simulat#s th# j#rk- spasms o' a carp in .#ath thro#s!

h# n#t .a- in th# compan- o' ,#na Wol'gang an. Marc#l $ 'oun.m-s#l' a bit con'us#. as to %hat 'ront to pr#s#nt! $ %ait#. 'or som# cu#

as to %hat ton# th# group

might assum# * %as #(#r- on# %orri#. about this n#%com#r< =cit#.<

/'rai.< $ as usual '#lt nothing #ith#r %a-! h# oth#rs s##m#. roun.l-

.isappoint#. #sp#ciall- $saac %ho li(#. %ith th# #p#ctation that an-

mom#nt a p#rson our sa(ior %oul. mani'#st an. #plain #(#r-thing

tak# us into his arms an. stroking our h#a.s com'ort an. #nlight#nr#n.ing th# (#il that hi. thos# m-st#rious in(isibl# chains bin.ing our

souls h#r#! ;# .i. not #p#ct this man h#r# b#ll- hanging out an.

lightl- p#r'um#. %ith th# o.or o' b##r!

@W#ll $ .on2t think h#2s -our g#olog- m#t#orit# sci#ntist!A $ sai. looking

at Wol'gang! @What< h -#s!!!W#ll -ou n#(#r kno% h# still might



un.#rstan. som#thing %# .on2t! r b# abl# to .isco(#r it!A /l%a-s

smiling through that gra- littl# goat*t %ith p#r'#ct postur# a composed

man!

@You kno% #(#n i' this %hol# thing has som#thing to .o %ithmagn#tism an. m#t#ors it still %oul.n2t #plain %h- %#2r# h#r#! $ m#an

-ou think th# go(#rnm#nt is #ploring th# #''#cts o' com#ts 'rom out#r

spac# on us<A

;# shrugg#. his shoul.#rs @>ut it .o#sn2t matt#r %hat $ think! $t %on2t

chang# our circumstanc#s!A

@Wol' is a ps-chologistA ,#na spok# up sh# sat %ith h#r arms clasping

h#r shins l#gs pr#ss#. up against h#r bo.- h#r h#a. r#sting si.#%a-s onh#r kn##s @$ think it2s all a ps-chological #p#rim#nt an. h#2s h#r# to

stu.- us!A ;#r (oic# 'lo%#. in .r#am- %a(#s! Wol'gang smil#.

b#n#(ol#ntl-! $ thought o' a mil.l- %itt- comm#nt that might amus#

h#r ? @Who %oul.n2t %ant to stu.- -ouA but %asn2t bra(# #nough to us#

it! $nst#a. $ r#pli#. 'ac#tiousl- @W#ll $ am 'ascinating! Man- ha(#

.#sir#. to stu.- m# #sp#ciall- th# la.i#s!!!A :h# giggl#. girlishl- an.

slapp#. m- shoul.#r! $ sat n#t to h#r l#gs

str#tch#. out l#aning on m- arms! :h# shi't#. straight#n#. out a l#gl#an#. against m- bo.- put h#r littl# o(al ang#lic h#a. on m- shoul.#r

h#r so't curl- hair brushing against m- ch##k! h# h#at 'rom h#r bo.-

its %#ight h#r sh##r ph-sical corporalit- spr#a. %arm rippl#s o' .##p

satis'action an. pri.# throughout m- b#ing! M- h#art sobb#. grat#'ull-

in m- ch#st! $t %as th# 'irst tim# a %oman ha. hu..l#. to m# 'or sa'#t-

r#assuranc# or a''#ction! $ '#lt lik# a man! $ '#lt that $ %as 'inall- %hat $

%as m#ant to b#! $ '#lt!!!natural! $ 'orgot m- surroun.ings clos#. m-

#-#s an. .rank th# mom#nt in! 7or th# 'irst tim# $ almost .i.n2t %ant toa.mit it 'or '#ar $ might b# mistak#n or ruin it but * $ '#lt lo(#.! nl- a

%oman can ju.g# a man b#caus# a man2s %orth is .#p#n.#nt upon his

capacit- to inspir# th# lo(# o' a %oman! o s##k out r#ali3# an. captur#

h#r h#art! h# n#%com#r lai. out in 'ront o' us on his back an.

.rooling into his %il. black b#ar. snor#. snort#. lou.l- th#n moan#.



'rom .##p %ithin his 'l#sh- throat snapping m# out o' m- r#(#ri#! @$

thought -ou %#r# a .octor a m#.ical .octor $ .i.n2t kno% -ou %#r# a

ps-chologist!A $ sai. to Wol'gang!

@h -#sA ;# sai. r#tri#(ing a car. 'rom th# insi.# pock#t o' his suitan. han.ing it to m#! ;mmm! Wo%! ;# ha. a ";D! $ r#a. it th#n %#nt

to han. it back but h# %a(#. 'or m# to k##p it! $ h#l. it 'or ,#na to s##

th#n slipp#. it in m- pock#t!

@:oA $ ask#. th# ob(ious @.o -ou think this is an #p#rim#nt< You

think %#2r# b#ing stu.i#.< Wh- us< :houl.n2t th#r# b#!!!som# kin. o'

common ps-chological trait among us that stan.s out!!!that marks us as

i.#al subj#cts<A

@$ .on2t kno%!A ;# sai. simpl-! Marc#l spok# up @>ut -ou .i. sa- that

-ou 'oun. it r#markabl# #ach on# o' us ha(ing such a .istinct (#r-

.#'init# %a- o' int#rpr#ting th#

%orl.!!!/n. #(#n $ 'in. it curious that %# ha(# thr## m#n o' .i''#r#nt

r#ligious p#rsuasions h#r#!A

@>ut %hat .o#s that m#an<A $ ask#.! Wol'gang shook his h#a. as i' to

sa- @%ho kno%s!A @Might th#r# b# a uni+u# n#urosis among us -ou2(#notic#.<A

@No Marc#l %# ar# #ach in.i(i.uals! /n. r#all- $ .on2t kno% an-on#

h#r# (#r- %#ll! $ can2t sa- %hat hi..#n things sl##p outsi.# th# .a-light

o' consciousn#ss %ith an- o' -ou! o kno% that sort o' thing $2. n##.

-ou on th# couch!A

@Ma-b# that2s %hat %# shoul. .o!A ,#na pip#. in!

@What<A

@;a(# ol. Wol'- anal-3# #ach o' us an. s## i' %# ha(# som#thing in

common!A

@/n. %hat %oul. that .o<A Wol'gang ask#.!



@ $ .on2t kno%!!!A

@$ think its int#r#sting!!!%ho kno%s %hat it coul. t#ll us! Wh- not< W#

shoul. ask th# oth#rsA $ back#. h#r up! :h# turn#. to%ar. m# an.

smil#.! :h# got up an. str#tch#. h#r skinn- arms r#aching to th# %hit#sk- #n.ing in littl# cl#nch#. 'ists! M- 'ac# at l#(#l %ith h#r smooth

muscl#. mi.ri'' b#nt up to b#hol. h#r 'igur#! $ coul.n2t h#lp but

b#com# obs#ss#. ho% sc#nt#. th# s-rup- n#ctar b#t%it h#r %hit#

thighs! $ so .#sir#. to cra%l right up to h#r humi. loins an. bur- ma-

'ac# inhaling #cstaticall- th# p#r'um# o' h#r pink %omanhoo.! $

imagin#. it a s%##t sc#nt %#t %ith animal '#rocit- t#mp#r#. b- th#

mil.#r o.or o' o3on# a't#r a nighttim# rain 'all! $ clos#. m- #-#s an.

imagin#. tasting th# moist tr#asur# .ripping .o%n h#r thighs onto m-

tr#mbling tongu#!

$ %as so #n#rgi3#. 'rom h#r touch that $ pl#.g#. 'or th# thousan.th

tim# that $ %oul.

gi(# up #ating until $ lost %#ight #nough to b# lo(abl#! $ #(#n sp#nt th#

r#st o' th# .a- manicall- sho(ing an. shoul.#ring m- boul.#r up th#

hill 'antasi3ing that $ %oul. b# th# on# to r#ach th# top impr#ssing all

a%ing ,#na! ' cours# $ .i.n2t g#t 'ar l#ss than 15 minut#s lat#r#haust#. an. #ntir#l- sp#nt $ la- prostrat# on m- back gasping 'or air

as +ui#tl- as $ coul. so no on# %oul. h#ar ho% un'it $ %as! No matt#r

ho% o't#n pro(#n to m# $ am al%a-s surpris#. just ho% a%'ull- out o'

shap# $ am! E#alit- constantl- assaults m- .r#ams W# +uarr#l

continuall-! $ '#ar a .a- not 'ar o'' %h#n on# o' us %ill .o th# oth#r in!!!!

hat %as al%a-s a conc#rn * m- ill h#alth! ,#na lo(#. to stroll aroun.

a't#r th# noon* tim# m#al an. %h#n $ accompani#. h#r %hich usuall- $

.i. not =ug#n# ha(ing that pri(il#g# $ %oul. labor pain'ull- to sp#akas littl# as possibl# so as not to b#tra- m- br#athl#ssn#ss as $ struggl#.

to sta- apac# k##ping m- ans%#rs short an. mostl- asking +u#stions

an. hi. m- path#tic stat# b- occasionall- stopping r#all- 'or a r#st but

un.#r th# pr#t#ns# o' insp#cting som#thing $ thought $ sa% in th# sk- or

in an #''ort to catch m- br#ath $ %oul. inhal# air in a 'au -a%n or sigh



or #(#n stop in mi. stri.# pr#t#n.ing to think .##pl- on som#thing sh#

just sai.9 so that th#s# %alks %#r# a n#r(#*%racking jo- to m# inspiring

both t#rror an. #cit#m#nt! Y#s th# ob#s# ha(# man- tricks an. must

.#al %ith man- .#c#its in or.#r to hi.# th#ir con.ition that th# 'it ar#

scarc#l- a%ar# o'9 also %# ha(# man- '#ars o' %hich th# h#alth-in.i(i.ual has no appr#ciation! $t is much %ork #hausting at tim#s to

b# un'it!

hat night $ sl#pt 'it'ull-! "#rhaps m- imagination %as o(#r#cit#. b-

h#r touch #arli#r that .a-! $ a%ok# m- #-#s still bl#ar- %ith sl##p m-

min. still sluggish an. .r#am- to a

t#rribl# sight! Coming into 'ocus m#r# inch#s abo(# m- corn#a * a

spi.#r its spin.l- l#gs str#tch#. apart thr#at#ning to scrap# m- pupil%a(ing 'rom its k#rn#l tumor*lik# bo.-! $ .ar#. not mo(#! ,#isur#l- it

.ri't#. a%a- rocking g#ntl- in som# in(isibl# curr#nt! $ %ip#. th# sl##p

'rom m- #-#s! $t ha. gott#n .ark#r th# air r#lati(#l- cl#ar %ith plum#s

o' #''#r(#sc#nt 'og as i' light#. 'rom %ithin b- som# lamp rolling on

th# hill- si.#s! $ sat up! $ thought $ sa% som# kin. o' mo(#m#nt som#

.ark shi'ting! /ll o' a su..#n anoth#r spi.#r app#ar#. .ir#ctl- in 'ront o'

m- 'ac# in(oluntaril- $ smack#. it %ith th# back o' m- han.! $ p##r#.

out into th# gra- night!!!!th#r# %#r# hundreds o' th#m :pi.#rs#(#r-%h#r# * th#- 'ill#. th# air lik# plankton in a rocking oc#an! ;ous#

spi.#rs!!! ,ong spin.l- l#gs lik# crook#. thr#a. 'loating slo%l-

%h##ling in th# br##3# lik# hair- points %a'ting in a str#am! /s $ look#.

clos#r $ notic#. sil(#r strings shining lik# glass in th# moonlight trailing

#ach ins#ct! housan.s o' th#m hanging p#n.ulous all aroun. m#

.ir#ctl- abo(# m- h#a. to th# si.#s!!!th# air h#a(ing %ith spi.#rs g#ntl-

gli.ing to a st#a.- 'lo%!!!$ la- back .o%n so as to a(oi. thos# t%itching

l#gs an. %atch#. th#m trail abo(# m# tin- ali#n cr#atur#s soun.l#ssl-'loating in th# night!!!ho% much tim# pass#. $ coul.n2t sa-! =(#ntuall- $

'#ll asl##p th# imag# o' thos# horri. arachni.s imprint#. on m- r#tina!

Chapt#r hirt##n



I breath blood

$t2s th# n#% -#ar! Jan 1st

&008! $ ha(#n2t %ritt#n in t%o months! $t is o'

th# @r#alA

%orl. $ sp#ak o' though har. pr#ss#. $ am to i.#nti'- an- m#aning'ul

%a- it an. th# oth#r %orl.s th# plac#s o' th# imagination 'or instanc#

.i''#r! >oth ar# 'raught %ith .ang#r h#r# ph-sical .#mis# is mor#

promin#nt th#r# ps-chological or spiritual .#ath or at l#ast it is mor#

notic#abl#! $ %on.#r in th# lan. o' .r#ams i' ph-sical .#ath in.##. is

r#cogni3#. at all! :tu.-ing th# unconscious o' thos# about to .i# Jungnotic#. th# ps-ch# b#ha(#. as i' it #p#ct#. no signi'icant transition

%hatso#(#r! $t is a sugg#sti(# obs#r(ation! Corr#spon.ingl- $ s## th#

mass#s gr#at lumb#ring multitu.#s s%a-ing an. stagg#ring .o%n cit-

blocks inhaling tobacco co''## %in# m#at utt#rl- %ithout soul -#t th#

bo.- s##mingl- obli(ious go#s on animating th#s# poor 'ucking

sucking bun.l#s o' m#at*n##.! Corps#s that no*on# has both#r#. to

burr- b#caus# th#- procur# r#(#nu#! h#r# that is th# .i''#r#nc#

b#t%##n this %orl. an. th# oth#rs ? h#r# %# must pa- ta#s!

M- min.!!!a .ro%s- slug l#aning its sogg- h#'t on m- su''ocating brain

l#aking it2s putri. li+ui.s .o%n th# insi.# o' m- skull %alls! M- moth#r

kitch#n boun. asks i' $ at# th# cr#am pu''s! $ ans%#r that $ .i.! $t is

al%a-s an #mbarrassm#nt th# 'at man $ am to p#rp#tuall- ha(# to gi(#

an account o' th# 'oo. $ ha(# #at#n but sh# must kno% @h#-2r#

suppos# to b# .#'rost#. 'or a hal' an hour b#'or# -ou #at th#mA :h#

t#lls m#! @You at# th#m though<A @Y#sA @7ro3#n<A $ am sil#nt! @Di. -ou

#at th#m 'ro3#n< 2Caus# -ou ha(# to tak# th#m out an. l#t th#m .#'rost b#'or# -ou #at th#m!A $ am sil#nt! @;o%2. -ou #at th#m<A >urning

sil#nc#! @7ro3#n -ou at# th#m<A Q @Di. -ou put th#m in th# o(#n!!!<A M-

h#art shirks an. shrinks 'rom sham# in m- 'l#sh- ch#st! $ '##l #(#r- inch

an. ounc# o' lar. sticking to m- 'ram# oh som# nights som# nights $

am s#(#r#l-



t#mpt#. to tak# a sharp kni'# an. cut it all o'' $ am :=E$F:

7un#rar- kni(#s to %hittl# m# .o%n right si3# %hat $ %ant Chris rinkl#

-#s @You2r# not gonna ans%#r m# Jonathan! JonathanA h# harpoon is

in m- h#art it2s point#. hooks goug# an. -ank at th# r#a. pumping

m#at! @Don2t -ou start this $t2s a n#% -#ar Jonathan it2s a n#% -#aran. $ %ant ans%#rs ;o% .i. -ou #at th# cr#am pu''s JonathanA :h#

%on2t stop m- thir. #-# .#sp#rat#l- looks 'or an #it an #scap# shoul.

$ grab m- h#a.phon#s an. blast 7r#nch baro+u# music o' th# (iola .#

gamba< >ut $ am paral-3#. too much li'# has alr#a.- l#ak#. a%a- an.

$2(# #p#n.#. too much #n#rg- suppr#ssing th# black .ogs o' .#spair

'rom .ro%ning m# in th#ir angr- star#s an. urin#! @JonathanA $

mumbl# @$ 'ucking at# th#m!!!%hat< Christ!!!$!!!A $2(# b##n up 'or l#ss

than an hour! $t is a start to th# n#% -#ar! Hi(al.i blasts through m-h#a.phon#s! =3ra "oun. r#*.isco(#r#. him! hank o.! hat anti*

:#mitic prick in'lu#ntial but obscur# schi3ophr#nic po#t has at l#ast on#

r#.##ming act to his l#gac-! $ think 'in.ing in th# #sot#ric minutia o'

int#ll#ctualism an #scap# 'rom th# t%ist#. haunt#. 'orms o' m-

transmogri'i#. #motions! /n. no% $ '##l t#rribl#! Was not m- moth#r

m#r#l- tr-ing to mak# con(#rsation %ith m# in h#r o%n alb#it clums-

%a-< /n. ha.n2t $ r#butt#. h#r a''#ctions most callousl-< What s#cr#t

agoni#s in'#st h#r h#art $ am o't#n 'orc#. b- a h-p#racti(# consci#nc#to %on.#r that $ m-s#l' ha(# plant#. unthinkingl-! $ pictur# h#r lat#

'i'ti#s so thin as to b# sk#latin# small tir#. #-#s sunk .##p into an ag#.

%o#'ul 'ac#9 hair .-#. bro%n lust#rl#ss an. longish an unhapp-

%om#n str#tch#. out on an op#rating tabl# a sh##t gr##n*blu# th#

color o' a robin2s #gg spr#a. o(#r h#r #c#pt 'or a s+uar# cut out o(#r

h#r ch#st #posing h#r br#asts 'lacci. an. shrunk#n! ;#r ch#st is op#n

a 'ist*si3#. hol#

ring#. r#. %ith bloo. h#r -#llo%ing skin pinn#. back! $ l#an o(#r th#

%oun. an. nonchalantl- appl- a maggot s+uirming it .rops to h#r

h#art gr##.il- .igs .##p an. %ith churning .rill*lik# motions s+uirms

its %a- in .isapp#aring a .rop o' bloo. %#lling up in its plac#! /n. $

blam# h#r! :o no% chok#. %ith s#l'*hatr#. $ must 'orc# m-s#l' to go



on a '#% mor# minut#s p#rhaps until $ collaps# into a stat# o' obli(ion

s#l'* pit- an. .isgust rotting an. bloat#. on m- couch th# 'lick#r o' th#

t#l#(ision r#'l#ct#. in m- .r- uns##ing #-#s!!!! ;#r gr#at#st jo- $

imagin# %as looking upon m- littl# h#a. cra.l#. in h#r lo(ing arms

just a't#r gi(ing m# birth an #haust#. '##ling o' c#l#stial jo- :h#coul.n2t kno% %hat a curs#. thing it %as sh# th#n .ot#. upon !!!

$ .i. %on.#r back to that oth#r %orl. %hat #''#ct on our min.s on our

thinking this st#a.- .i#t o' l##ch ha.! Not that %# ha. a choic# o'

.ish#s! $ r#m#mb#r#. (agu#l- o' Eobinson Cruso# an. ho% imp#rati(#

it %as h# ha(# salt in his .i#t! /n. %hat about sailors an. scur(-< ;o%

coul. it b# that Chaung h#ophan an. Mahāk āś-apa ha. sur(i(#. so

long just ph-sicall- not to m#ntion sur(i(ing m#ntall- intact a't#r soman- -#ars< h# r#al man %hom Eobinson Cruso# %as mo.#l#. a't#r $

ha. r#a. %as 'oun. hal'*cra3#. gibb#ring nons#nsical phras#s to

hims#l'! $ %oul. ha(# to ask h#ophan %hat in(isibl# glu# h#l. him

tog#th#r o(#r th# -#ars! $ thought %hat $ ha. to .o to.a-!!! %ait %h#r#

%as $ < $ op#n#. m- #-#s but coul. .isc#rn onl- 'aint shi'ting ar#as o'

gra- atmosph#r#! / purpl# sh##t o' light halo#. %ith gr##n glo% .anc#.

in th# corn#r o' m- (ision th#n shrunk into a blinking .ot b#'or#

.isapp#aring! $ cautiousl- got to m- '##t! h# air %as .#a. still! $ ha. to

think! %o %hit# blurs shot out o' th# .arkn#ss an. grabb#. m# th#

n#%com#r his 'ac# snarl#. an. spiting clutch#. m# an. -#ll#. @Wh#r#

th# 'uck am $A his #-#s rolling %il. lik# a 'right#n#. stallion! ;# li't#.

m# o'' th# groun.! $ onl- manag#. to garbl# a hal' articulat# @Wha*A

>#'or# h# scr#am#. @Wh#r#A shaking m#! ,#na ran up b#hin. him an.

grabb#. his arm t#ars str#aming! $n a 'lash h# thr#% back an #lbo%

cracking h#r in th# 'ac#! ;#r h#a. snapp#. back an. bloo. #plo.#.

'rom h#r nos#! Eight b#'or# sh# .ropp#. 'or a split s#con. $ sa% th#look o' anguish an. shock th#n sh# plumm#t#. out o' (i#%! :till

hol.ing m# %ith on# han. h# s+u##3#. m- ch##ks an. ja% %ith th#

oth#r @Wh#r# motha*'uck#r <A / million thoughts .art#. through m-

min. *$ coul. kn## him in th# groin or punch him in th# n#ck or *

@>roth#r $2m asking -ou a +u#stion!A @$ * $ .on2t kno% -ou just cam#



an. %# .on2t kno% %h#r# list#n *A ;# toss#. m# to th# har. groun.

%ith a thu.! $ roll#. onto m- aching back! ;# %as b#nt o(#r #-#ing m#!

@#t up!A $ struggl#. to m- '##t panting 'or air @,ist#n %#2r# all

'ri#n.s h#r#! No on#2s going to hurt -ou! W# .on2t kno% %h#r# %# ar#! $

%ish $ kn#%!A ;# %as looking 'ranticall- aroun.! >#hin. us %#r# (oic#s@,#na< J#sus! Wol'gang $saac Com# h#r# ,#na2s hurt!A 7uck! ,#na!

;o% coul. $ ha(# 'orgott#n h#r< :om# prot#ctor $ %as! >ut th#r# %as no

tim# to curts- to m- ol. 'ri#n. sham#! @;#-A $ call#. out @W#2r# o(#r

h#r#A h# man shot m# a 'urious look #-#s narro%#. an. lip curl#.!

@$*A ;# ball#. up his 'ist an. clock#. m# on th# ja%! M- l#gs %#nt out

an. $ .ropp#. lik# a rock! =(#r-thing lit up in %hirls o' light! $ h#ar. as

i' in #cho a struggl# grunting! $saac2s big h#a. ho(#r#. o(#r m#

su''us#. %ith a halo o' gr##n light @;#- Jon< You -#a<Mat#<!!!alk to m#!A @7in#A $ spit out th# %or. lik# a %#t sock! $ turn#.

onto m- si.#! h# groun. '#lt unstabl# lik# som# massi(# thing b#n#ath

h#a(#. th# groun. %ith rh-thmic br#athing! Whit# grass thigh high

s%a-#. lik# 'in# thin hair!

,#na :h# %as cra%ling to%ar. m#! :h# #t#n.#. out a 'ing#r an.

point#. to m#! $ coul. '##l th# #arth j#rking un.#r m#! 7rom th# tip o'

h#r 'ing#r a .ropl#t o' bloo. s%#ll#. plump an. r#. but inst#a. o'

'alling it shot (#rtical right to m# splashing m- 'or#h#a.! $ %inc#. an.%ip#. it o'' brushing h#r salt- 'lui. across m- lips! @, # n a A h#

sno% %hit# bla.#s o' grass str#tch#. high#r * som#thing %as tr-ing to

br#ak through th# groun.! h# #arth ros# an. start#. to inclin# to k##p

'rom slipping a%a- $ clutch#. th# tu'ts o' grass %hich %h#r# ic#*col.!

:mall moons or ma-b# th#- %#2r# light#ning bugs s%irl#. an. circl#.

l#a(ing str#aks o' blin.ing light trailing in larg# arcs! @, # n a A $ call#.!

h# %or.s 'loat#. up into th# air! :h# %as still pointing an. h#r lips

s##m#. to b# mo(ing but no soun. #scap#.9 'rom th# spot %h#r# h#r'ing#r tip bl#. $ sa% a tin- gr##n t#n.ril push up out o' h#r skin it

t%irl#. in th# air 'or a s#con. as i' tr-ing to g#t its b#aring b#'or# lik#

a gunshot %hipping through th# air an. striking m- ch##k! $t 'umbl#.

about m- 'ac# b#'or# %riggling into m- mouth! $ coul.n2t l#t go th#

grass so $ bit .o%n har. on th# (in# till $ h#ar. ,#na ho%l out in pain!



#ars str#ak#. h#r 'ac# an. ribbons o' som# .ark orang# li+ui. 'lo%#.

st#a.il- out h#r mouth sh# %as shaking h#r h#a. 'uriousl- h#r #-#2s

pl#a.#. %ith m# to .o som#thing but %hat $ .i.n2t kno%! $ l#t th# (in#

climb in '#lt it going .o%n m- throat $ gagg#. spasticall- soon $ '#lt a

sharp slo% s+uirming on m- gut! $t %as ripping m# apart $ look#. toh#r th#n sa% 'rom on th# (in# just poking out h#r 'ing#r a tin- bro%n

bu. pok# out th#n bloom into a small 'lo%#r %ith .#licat# %hit# pap#r-

p#tals sp#ckl#. pink! h#n gr#% anoth#r an. anoth#r #ach bu.

'lo%#ring instantl-! h#- #plo.#. in tin- bursts o' %hit# an. pink

racing up th# (in# .ashing to%ar. m# n#ar#r an. n#ar#r m- #-#s %i.#

in horror $ %atch#. as th#

bursts tra(#l#. .ir#ctl- up to m- 'ac# th#n '#lt th# silk- p#tals blossom

in m- mouth th#n throat ach M- stomach * lik# blooming ra3or bla.#s

t#aring into th# tissu#s o' m- int#stin#s! h#n a strang# pr#ssur# pr#ss#.

'rom b#hin. m- #-#s it b#com# mor# int#ns# till m- #-#s b#gan

str#aming t#ars an. bloo. tin- .isks o' mag#nta m#at lik# p#pp#roni

push#. out 'rom m- lo%#r #-#li. 'lopping to th# groun. in pil#s!

:u..#nl- th# groun. crack#. blast#. apart clumps o' #arth an. .#bris

sail#. through th# air along %ith m-s#l'! $ hit th# groun. an. ski..#. to

a halt choking an. coughing on th# .ust! :om#thing %as %rong %ith

m#! $ coul.n2t s## colors! =(#r-thing %#nt black an. %hit#! M- #ars p#al#. %ith a pi#rcing ring! hrough th# billo%ing clou.s o' .ust

particl#s* a monstrous l##ch *th# si3# o' a truck * tossing slim# 'rom its

mouth as its upp#r most bulk s%a-#. abo(# scr##ching an. suckling its

black sha.o% '#ll on m# an. cut o'' m- lin# o' (ision %ith ,#na! $ h#l.

up m- arm to prot#ct m- 'ac#! $ts bo.- un.ulat#. in sick#ning %a(#s

an. $ coul. s## tinn- 'l#sh- hairs sticking out all o(#r its rubb#r- 'l#sh!

/ .is#mbo.i#. (oic# tor# out o' no%h#r# scr##ching @ $2: ;=

E==N 7/$EY RF=====N ,os ,os ,os ,osA h# pain b#hin.m- #-#s shot 'ir# $ '#lt m- #-#s bulging 'rom m- h#a. th#n $ h#ar. a

sharp snap /n. sa% on# o' m- #-#balls tumbl# out m- h#a. rolling on

th# groun. picking up .ust trailing a string o' bloo.- n#r(#s! /s it '#ll $

sa% sprouting 'rom th# corn#a a tin- %hit# 'lo%#r %ith pink sp#ckl#.



p#tals! "op / cracking soun. #plo.#. in m- skull! /ll %as .arkn#ss

th#n an. $ kn#% nothing mor#!

Chapt#r 7ourt##n

@>o-! ;# sur# .o#s pass out a lot %hat<A

@Ma-b# it2s his .i#t! :ta- h#r# %ith him $2m gonna go s## ho% ,#na2s

.oing $2ll s#n. Wol'gang o(#r to -ou!A

@A

Hoic#s 'loating in th# .arkn#ss!!!$saac an. =ug#n#!!!$ ma.# to op#n m-

#-#s but '#lt a shock o' sharp agon- (iolat# m- brain an. groan#.! $saacmust2(# h#ar. m#! @;#-! Jon mat# Jon! ak# it #as-! /r# -ou a%ak#<

Jon<A ;# spok# so'tl-!

@$2m!!!Y#a!!!m- #-#s!!!%hat happ#n#. to m#<A $ mumbl#.! $ ha. troubl#

'orming %or.s! M- lips '#lt crack#. an. s%oll#n m- tongu# too it la-

in m- mouth lik# a sun bak#. 'ish! @;#- just r#la no%! Don2t tran.

mo(#! =ug#n# %#nt to '#tch Wol' h#2ll b# h#r# soon -ou just r#st tight

-#a<A

houghts lik# l#gl#ss crick#ts stumbl#. .runk#nl- in m- skull crashing

against on# anoth#r in th# .ark!

@You thirst-< ;ol. on $2ll g#t -ou*A

@NoA M- stomach lurch#. at th# thought o' an-thing #nt#ring it!

@! W#ll an-thing $ can g#t -ou l#t m# kno%! $2m right h#r#!!!!>o- $

t#ll -ou -ou look just awful mat#. You look lik# -ou %#nt 1& roun.s%ith -son! You got big black circl#s un.#r -our #-#s!!!!an. a 'at

lip!!!!an. -our #-#s ar# all s%oll#n!!!!A

@,#na!!!A

@What2s that<A



@,#na!!!%hat happ#n#. to ,#na!!!A

@h ,#na Wh- h# clock#. h#r out right col. th# bastar.! $ un.#rstan.

-ou might b#

con'us#. %# all %#r# %h#n %# got h#r# but -ou .on2t go aroun. hitting

la.i#s oo. go.! >ut sh#2s ! Wok# up a coupl# hours ago! hough

sh# is sport2n t%o nic# shin#rs brok# h#r nos# too $ imagin#! E#all- it

looks a lot %ors# than it is! $ talk#. to h#r b#'or#! :h#2s 'in#! Not #(#n

ma. at th# bastar. i' -ou can b#li#(# it! "robabl- just hasn2t com# to h#r

s#ns#s! $ t#ll -ou I ha(#n2t 'orgi(#n him! ;#2s luck- %# .i.n2t b#at him

to .#ath ,ous- bastar.!!!A

@WhoA $ ask#. %#akl-!

@h# n#% gu- %ho #ls#< You %as th#r# %#r#n2t -ou< ;# hit h#r! /n.

h#r such a tin- thing!!!Di.n2t -ou s## it happ#n<

@Y#a!!!Y#a $ .i.! $ r#m#mb#r! ;# #lbo%#. h#r in th# 'ac#!!!h# %as

strangling m#!!!A @Y#a< You coul.n2t clobb#r him<A

@!!!!$!!!no!!!W#ll $ think $ .i.! $ punch#. him but!!!th#n h# hit m# $

punch#. him again but th#n th# n#t tim# h# hit m# $ think $ '#ll!!!an. $think $ hit m- h#a.!!!A

@Y#a!!!You %#r#n2t in an- shap# to 'ight an-%a-! You2r# luck- -ou coul.

stan. up to him at all! ,uck- %# 'oun. -ou %h#n %# .i. too! You

coul.2(# .#h-.rat#.!A

@Fh!!!!$!!!A

@Y#a -ou got bit b- on# o' th#m spi.#rs! h#ir poisonous! Wol'gang

sa-s th#- coul. kill a man #sp#ciall- i' h# got bit b- a bunch o' #m atonc#! What happ#n#.< Di.n2t an-on# t#ll -ou< h#- .on2t bit# i' -ou

l#a(# #m b#! No on#2s gott#n bit sinc# $ b##n h#r#! What2. -ou .o to

piss 2#m o'' h#-<A



:pi.#rs!!!that2s right!!!$ r#m#mb#r#. th#m!!!'loating lik# sailing ships in a

br##3#! n# must2(# bit m# th#n! @Y#a! $ .on2t r#call b#ing bitt#n! >ut

nobo.- tol. m# about th#m!

Man $ %ok# up in th# mi..l# o' th# night an. sa% th#m all 'l-ingthrough th# air!!!$ thought $ %as losing m- min. Damn! :om#on#

shoul.2(# told m#!A

@$ thought som#on# .i.! h#- com# #(#r- I .a-s or so! You must2(#

al%a-s sl#pt through th# oth#r nights th#- cam#! You r#all- .i.n2t kno%<

What2. -ou think -ou2(# b##n #ating all this tim#<A

@=ating!!!< $ .on2t kno% %hat<A

@h# spi.#rsA

@WhatA $ #claim#. an. m- #-#s shot op#n 'loo.#. b- burning light! $

clamp#. th#m shut again an. moan#.! $ h#ar. $saac laughing! @/r# -ou

s#rious $saac<A

@/bsolut#l- h#ophan gath#rs #m up #arl- in th# morning! ;# go#s

o(#r th# %hol# plac#! ;# 'in.s #m .#a. or .-ing an. s+uish#s #m

tog#th#r an. puts #m in that triangular %oo.#n bo h# carri#s! What2.-ou think %# at#<A

@$ thought %# at# th# l##ch#s!A

@/% no Don2t #(#n tr- th#r# not #.ibl#! You can2t .ig#st #m! W#2(#

tri#.! h#- just mak# -ou naus#ous an. thro% up!A

@$' th#-2r# poisonous ho% can %# #at th#m<A

@You just gotta .r- #m out! h# poison los#s its pot#nc- +uick! hougha't#r th# %a- -ou %#r# carr-ing on $ might %ant to tr- it m-s#l'

som#tim#! $t s##m#. lik# on# %il. trip!A

@Y#a!A

@h Wol'gang2s h#r#! ;#2s a%ak# Doc!A



@;#llo Jon ho%2s our littl# pati#nt< Can -ou op#n -our #-#s<!!!A

$ sp#nt a %##k r#co(#ring! $saac 'ill#. m# in on th# n#%com#r! $ kno%

that simpl- intro.ucing a charact#r an. th#n .#scribing him s##ms un*

grac#'ul! $ coul. inst#a. cl#(#rl- %ork th# .#tails o' his li'# intocon(#rsation9 or in a 'it o' inspir#. sophistication 'ill th# lit#rar-

atmosph#r# %ith sha.o%- s-mbols a crook#. tr## un.#r %hich W#rth

broo.s to compl#m#nt his crook#. back %hich both hint at his crook#.

soul! >ut %hat th# h#ll although no mus#*%hil# mors#l o' his g#nius

has 'oun. its %a- into m- m#ans Chauc#r .i. it lik# this so!!!$2ll just t#ll

-ou! h# man2s nam# %as :#th! $' $ %#r# imagining such a charact#r $

%oul. in(#nt him as a mur.#rous roug# an untam#. b#ast a ma. man

sa(ag#. %ith bloo. lust9 but as $ am att#mpting to b# tru# it might.isappoint -ou to kno% h# %as +uit# plain * an average man! $ can onl-

o''#r up a sk#tch sinc# $ kn#% all o' th#s# p#opl# but slightl- an. th#

onl- auth#ntic 'l#sh an. bloo. in this stor- is m-s#l' an. possibl- :asha

too .u# to m- int#ns# stu.- o' h#r! ;# %as II -#ars ol. li(#. at hom#

in his par#nts attic though h# %ork#. 'ull tim# in construction! /ll his

mon#- h# sai. %#nt into his truck %hich h# la(ish#. att#ntion upon lik#

a man capabl# o' an. inclin#. to%ar.s lo(# but b#caus# o' an in'#rior

soul coul. not rais# his int#ntions to th# cro%ning glor- o' Natur# *

Woman * but inst#a. %ith a l#thargic tug aim#. his passion at th#

.#ca.#nt machin#r- that stirr#. no .oubt som# primiti(# '##lings o'

control or .ominanc#! ;# r#gularl- pla-#. Dung#ons an. Dragons hung

out at comic book shops an. accor.ing to ,#na %as @a bit o' a lush!A

/lso h# #njo-#. h#a(- m#tal music! $ hat#. him! hat %# shar#. th#

sam# air %as unacc#ptabl#! Wh#n $ spok# to him it %as all $ coul. .o to

control a .is.ain'ul sn##r 'rom pulling at m- sull#n lips! $t %as as i'

Natur# ha. tumbl#. all h#r in'#rior g#n#tic stock tog#th#r into this on#

man an. th#n to comp#nsat# in or.#r that h# sur(i(# ma.# him brutish

an. impuls#* impair#.! $ can2t b#li#(# ,#na 'orga(# him! Wh-< ;# %as

th# %orst kin. o' animal on# %ith pr#t#nsions o' b#ing human

n th# .a- b#'or# $ %#nt to m##t him $ %ok# up an. took stock o' m-

situation! /s usual $ 'oun. m-s#l' mortal an. lo(#lorn! / t#rribl# start!



"lus $ a%ok# still #nshrin#. in this corpul#nt sin m- gross tubb#r-!

:om#.a- $ consol#. m-s#l' som#.a- $ %ill a%ak# an. 'in. m-s#l'

anoth#r p#rsonag# * mutabilit- r#igns supr#m# .o%n h#r# a matt#r o'

tim# onl- b#'or# som# chang# o(#rtak#s m#! $ str#tch#. th#n %#nt 'or a

%alk strolling aroun. th# p#rim#t#r! 7irst $ sa% Chuang! ;is '##t %#r#.ug in th# groun. an. %ith both han.s str#tch#. out h# push#. his rock

inch b- har. %on inch up th# inclin#! /s usual a %i.# smil# str#tch#.

his anci#nt %i3#n#. 'ac#! $ coul. h#ar him humming! $ pass#. b-! / '#%

-ar.s lat#r $ sa% ,#na! :h# ha. gott#n almost t%#nt- '##t up! :h# look#.

'rustrat#. an. t#ns# stuck at that h#ight! h#n %ith a po%#r'ul grunt th#

boul.#r bu.g#. anoth#r thr## inch#s! :h# turn#. aroun. s#tting h#r back

to it hol.ing it in plac# %ip#. th# s%#at o'' h#r bro% th#n smil#.

rightl- prou. o' th# n#% groun. gain#.! $saac ha. onl- just b#gun! ;#%as scarc#l- thr## '##t up but h# ha. a look o' int#ns# conc#ntration

onl- 'or bri#' mom#nts b#tra-#. b- a 'lash o' alarm in his #-#s! /

s#riousn#ss! $ snuck b- %ithout his noticing! hrough th# shrou. o' 'og

sorro%'ul %ails! h#ophan! /t a 'i't##n 'oot #l#(ation h# .ro(# his rock

'or%ar. %hil# on his kn##s sobbing th# %hol# tim# murmuring th#

J#sus pra-#r ? @,or. J#sus Christ :on o' o. ha(# m#rc- on m# a

sinn#r!A ;# un.#rtook th# unr#asonabl# an. 'util# task an. ma.# it into a

r#ligious ritual! $ coul. n#(#r tak# such a task so s#riousl- not %ithoutkno%ing som#thing mor# about it!

$ cr#pt b- car#'ul not to .isturb his lam#ntations! Mahāk āś-apa $ pass#.

b- an. cam# to Marc#l! ;# stoo. strait in 'ront o' his rock arms cross#.

bro% 'urro%#. in int#ns# .#lib#ration broo.ing %hil# h# star#.

unblinkingl- at th# ston# as i' in his immobilit- h# sought to imitat# it

an. th#r#b- gain som# insight into its m-st#rious min#ral b#ing! N#t $

cam# upon =ug#n#! ;# ha. just com# .o%n! ;# cam# up an. gr##t#.

m# ask#. ho% $ %as '##ling!

@:o .i. -ou g#t to th# top<A $ jok#.!

@No no!A ;# sai. all s#riousn#ss @but it is a 'in# %orkout! $t '##ls goo.

to us# -our bo.-!A $ %on.#r#. i' h# %#r# taking a stab at m# at m-



%r#ck o' a bo.-! $ %ish#. him luck an. continu#.! W#rth l#an#. against

his boul.#r h#a. hanging .o%n napping p#rhaps! h#n as th# mist

thinn#. mom#ntaril- $ sa% Wol'gang %ith th# n#% gu-! ;# look#. to b#

sl##ping $ still '#lt a bit .a3#. an. %#nt to r#st!

$ sl#pt on an. o'' con(al#scing! o%ar.s #(#ning $ '#lt a bit b#tt#r mor#

stabl#! Wh#n th# 'og .ark#n#. or thick#n#. it %as impossibl# to t#ll

%hich it signal#. night! $ %#nt to s## th# gang roun. that strang# 'ir# o'

un*%armth %ith its transpar#nt 'lam#s impot#ntl- licking th# ari. air!

W#rth Wol'gang an. ,#na gath#r#. aroun. th# strang#r %ho sat on a

boul.#r han.s on his kn##s list#ning to som#thing Wol'gang %as

sa-ing! Wh#n h# sa% m# h# lumb#r#. o(#r Lgoo. go. .i. $ look lik#

that %h#n $ mo(#.< /n. h# so much l#ss than $ r#pulsi(#l- la-#r#. %ith

lar. th# %#ight o' his b#ll- s%ung l#'t an. right as h# ambl#. 'or%ar.

his lop# %as lopsi.#. ;# #t#n.#. his m#at- han. an. $ took it!

@Du.# $2m sorr-! E#all-! $ .on2t #(#n r#m#mb#r hal' o' it! $ hop# $

.i.n2t hurt -ou! $2m

so sorr- man! $t %as cra3-! You alright<A

;is sol#mn b#ar #-#s h#l. min# st#a.il- @Y#a $2m 'in#! $ %as poison#.!

/ poisonous spi.#r bit m# so!!!$ .on2t #(#n r#m#mb#r #(#r-thing thathapp#n#.!!!$ coul.n2t 'ight an-%a- $ m#an $ %as

.#lirious!!!hallucinating!!!$ coul. ha(# .i#.!A

@No no! You %oul. not ha(# .i#.!A W#rth2s ol. cr#ak- (oic#!

@;o% .o -ou kno%<A $ ask#.!

@$ m-s#l' ha(# b##n bitt#n innum#rabl# tim#s b#'or#! >#si.#s som#

'#(#rish hallucinations no p#rman#nt harm is .on#!A

@##3! ;as an-on# #ls# b##n bitt#n<A $ ask#.!

@Not that $ am a%ar# o'!A

@/n. ho% man- tim#s ha(# -ou !!!<A



@$ .i. not count but $2. sa- h 'ort- tim#s or th#r#abouts!A

@Christ W#rth Your luck- -our still ali(# /n. san#A $ sai.! ;#

grunt#.!

@W#rthA Wol'gang g#ntl- ask#. @ 'ort- tim#s< 7ort-< /r# -ou sur#<

You coul. not ha(# b##n bitt#n so man- tim#s $ %oul. ha(# notic#.!

E#m#mb#r -ou ha(# b##n h#r# onl- a slight tim# long#r than $!A

@You .i. not notic#!A W#rth stat#.!

Wol'gang ga(# m# a sk#ptical look!

@Y#a! $ clock#. -ou pr#tt- goo. -ou %#r# outA :#th sai.!

@Y#sssss!A $ a(oi.#. his #-#s an. shot a glanc# at ,#na sh# %as

stu.-ing :#th an. ha.n2t #(#n glanc#. at m#! ;#r obsi.ian #-#s %#r#

circl#. b- black an. purpl# str#aks h#r littl# pug nos# %as r#. an.

s%oll#n!

@$2m just gla. -our ,#na!A

@*%hat< h -#a!A $ startl#. h#r! :h# prick#. up h#r h#a. an. smil#. at

m#

@$2m 'in#! No t##th missing! ;# .i.n2t m#an it $ uh think h# %as a littl#

sauc#. that night too!A ;# %#nt an. stoo. b#si.# h#r @Y#a $ %as

slamm#.A ;# no..#.! ;# stoo. ma-b# 62& to%#ring o(#r ,#na! ;#

tilt#. his h#a. .o%n at h#r @W#ll list#n $2m just thro%ing it out th#r#

but -ou kno% $ think that black an. blu# mak#s -ou look #(#n s#i#rA

,#na snort#. an. giggl#. sh# %as l#aning against a boul.#r an. h#r

right l#g j#rk#. up th#n stamp#. th# groun. as it al%a-s .i. %h#n sh#

%as g#nuin#l- amus#.! :h# slapp#. his arm! $ sa% in that mo(#m#nt th##pitom# o' '#mininit- that 'lirt- 'au* aggr#ssion @:top itA E#all- $

.i.n2t s## th# humor at all! What %as h# impl-ing that b#at#n %om#n

turn#. him on< M- stomach s+uirm#. th# thought that sh# might b#

'lirting %ith him 'lash#. across m- min.! >ut th#n $ took a look at th#

uncouth b#astl- slob as-mm#trical an. o(#r%#ight a mountain o'



slopp- h#'t an. th#n look#. upon ,#na2s ang#lic (isag# h#r lust*torn

bron3#*ton#. bo.- an. skin! Natur#2s inh#r#nt g#n#tic programming

surl- must 'orbi. %hat#(#r sluttish impuls#s rag#. insi.# h#r i' an- 'or

him so that an- chanc# o' h#r carr-ing such substan.ar. chromosom#

stock b# block#. 'rom g#n#ticall- miing %ith h#r o%n c#l#stial 'l#sh!:#th2s skin %as .ough- sickl- blotch#. t%o or thr## ra% pimpl#s

pla-#. about his gargo-l# nos#! What .isgust'ul hu#s natur# ha. paint#.

him o'! M# $ '#lt that hi..#n b#n#ath this unsightl- rotun. (isag# a

han.som# man r#si.#s! >#si.#s hot girls onl- .at#. ugl- m#n %ho b-

th# %a- $ almost consi.#r a .istinct trib# r#pl#t# %ith hi..#n rituals in

th# mo(i#s or H sitcoms!

What pric# a %oman2s lo(#< W# lo(# unconsciousl- against our %ill as

a 'lo%#r turns r#'l#i(#l- to%ar.s th# light so our h#arts ar# ins#nti#nt

to all but th# subtl#st scal#s o' lo(# that th# int#ll#ct hasn2t #ars to h#ar!

Y#t m#n %#ar th#ir arti'ic# lik# clums- garm#nts to trip upon th# 'als#

'abrics onl- to r#(#al in th# (#r- tripping th# thing that mak#s %om#n2s

h#arts gro% t#n.#r! h#r# is a s#cr#t in (uln#rabilit-! $n th# r#al! Whil#

m- %rong*turn#. s#l' sho%n '#ar'ul mock#r- to ,o(#2s tru# arms!

$ kno% it ruins th# 'lo% but min# is a stor- %ith man- #..i#s! onight $

am .ro%s#. all o(#r ? ho% justi'- this< $ coul. b# an obs#ssi(# artistan. cr#at# in ink most lik#l- an #pic pi#c# onl- $ ha(# -#t to h#ar a

justi'ication 'or art! ' cours# i' poss#ss#. o' a g#nius 'right#ning in

po%#r that comp#t#s %ith Natur# h#rs#l' in .#t#rit- an. subtl#

in(#ntion such b#aut- an. 'i#rc# #l#ganc# as to astonish :atan hims#l'

as %as Milton2s th# #piring .a-s sp#nt making th#n is #nnobl#.! :atan

b- th# %a- b#ing th# onl- tru# an. 'inal ju.g# o' /rt po#tr- in

particular! @$' -ou lo(# po#tr- th#n -ou lo(# :atanA sa-s ;arol. >loom

much justi'i#.! /lthough on# thing som#tim#s has m# .oubt th# D#(ilscritical ju.gm#nt * a lack o' humor an absolut# n#c#ssit- to claim

humann#ss %hich t#llingl- is abs#nt 'rom Milton2s gra(# cr#ations9 but

th#n $ think th#- %#r# %ritt#n not 'or p#opl# but that thing %hich has

th# po%#r to #ith#r sa(# or .amn us %hich th# gr#at blin. po#t*proph#t

locat#s %ithin or i.#nti'i#s as light! >ut %hat o' m#< $ am no Milton!



Do#s this #cr#tor- l#is so paltr- #cus# h#art lost or tim# sp#nt< $'

not than %hat< nl- thr## mo(#m#nts mak# much grac# in tim# ? to

lo(# to #as# su''#ring an. to incr#as# th# possibl#! h# thir. in %hich

art most r#a.il- 'in.s its#l' cat#rs to th# '#%#st! $t is th# l#ast grac#'ul

g#stur# on# can mak# %hil# still claiming to 'ul'ill a m#aning'ul

li'#! ,#t th# 'in#r- 'rom th#s# %or.s no% 'all so that th#- ma- br#ath#

#as- an. '##l th# moon2s light .rap# on skin uncloth#.! ,i'#!!! is so sa.!

hings ar# #n.ing all th# tim#! o.a- %ill n#(#r r#p#at! h# possibiliti#s

o' Jan &I &008 ar# 'or#(#r gon#! im# * a ps-chopathic ob#s# in'ant

%hos# tantrums toss m#n %oman an. in'ants into th# 'ir# a monstrous

.ung*h#ap o' burning corps#s l#gs an. arms t%ist#. tog#th#r skulls

'ing#rs an. human hair mash#. into a mountain o' m#at rot 'l#sh an.

bon#s r#aching all th# %a- up past th# moon past th# spinning plan#ts

to th# sun that massi(# 'urnac# o' hat# to .ispos# th# #arth its glut o'

us#l#ss souls! $t is not automatic! 7#% sur(i(# .#ath! n# must %ork

h#r# to cr#at# a soul! im# spits an. ho%ls %hil# o(#rturning citi#s

'#lling nations crumbling into .ust our gr#at#st cath#.rals %ith 'ing#rs

'at unapp#asabl# ins#nsat# hung#r ra(#nous scorning justic#! h#

%orst o' it is that h# is coming 'or m#! 7or th# 'irst tim# th#r# is no

'utur# th#r# %ill b# no anc#stors! $ h#ar chatt#r 'rom aca.#mia th#- ar#

sa-ing that o. is .#a.! @;# .i. #ist onc# but is no mor#A th#- sa-obli(ious that %ith o. man .i. also .i#! ;ungr- ghosts ar# l#'t to

s%arm o(#r this plan#t! /rt %ill not r#.##m or banish '#ar .#ath or

#rror! "#rhaps it r#all- is :atan2s to- * art * an. %orks to amus# us into

an #cstas- or com'ort us into inaction an. ap# m#aning'ul acti(it-

%hil# r#al li(ing go#s unnotic#. an. un.on#! h#r# %as a man no

g#nius but poss#ss#. o' high tal#nt his paintings %#r# bra(# an.

.#licat# an. h# %as much prais#.! >ut on# .a- h# sa% it 'or %hat it

%as * a (anit- an. l#'t his brush#s b#hin. an. %alk#. into th# .#s#rt to pra- an. to kno% o.! /n. h# .i. h#ophan! Di. olsto- sacri'ic# his

(#r- soul m#r#l- so 'utur# g#n#rations might mar(#l at his cr#ations<

/r# all artists i.olat#rs %orshiping post#rit-<



There are two voices, and the first voice says, "Write!" and the second

voice says, "For whom?" I think that's marvelous; he doesn't question

the imperative, you see that. And the first voice says, "for the dead

whom thou didst love"; again the second voice doesn't question it;

instead it says, "Will they read me?" And the first voice says, "Aye, for

they return as posterity."

Marc#l stroll#. on th# sc#n# @/h ,#na .on2t %orr-! / simpl# blo% can

not #ras# such ra.iant b#aut-!A :h# laugh#. a bit s#l'*consciousl-

@Wo%! Do -ou %anna go b#hin. a boul.#r an. mak# out<A ;# s##m#. a

bit .umb'oun.#. at so unabash#. a s#ualit- but h# ha. no carnal

int#r#st in h#r in 'act although masculin# in oth#r %a-s his s#ualit-

s##m#. suppr#ss#. un.#r a blank#t o' m#lanchol-! Wol'gang stoo. #r#cthan.s 'ol.#. in 'ront o' him a pl#asant n#utral look o' placi.it-

#nli(#n#. his ag#. 'ac#! @:o :#thA ;# b#gan @Can -ou t#ll us %hat it

%as that -ou %#r# .oing b#'or# arri(ing h#r#<A @Fh!!!A :#th scratch#.

his gr#as- b#ar. s+uinting into th# ha3- sk- @Fm!!!$ %as at a bar!!!$

r#m#mb#r ha(ing som# .rinks!!!uh $ r#m#mb#r g#tting into a 'ight -#a

this gu- o%#. m# mon#- so $ grabb#. his %atch!!!$ smash#. it an. th#n

his 'ri#n. start#. -#lling som#thing!!!%# might2(# gott#n thro%n out!!!A

@hink o' th# last thing -ou r#m#mb#r :#th!A

@Nothing! $ can2t r#m#mb#r an-thing!A

@Do -ou r#call an-thing out o' th# or.inar- happ#ning to -ou that .a-<

/n- strang# p#opl#!!A

@No!A

@Nothing at all<A $ s#ns#. a 'i#rc#n#ss un.#r Wol'gang2s p#ac#'ul

#t#rior lik# a raging 'orc# 'in#l- controll#.!

@No! :o %hat2s th# .#al ar# %# all ki.napp#. or!!!!no on# kno%s

an-thing< E#all-<A ,#na spok# up @$ think it2s an #p#rim#nt! o s##

ho% %# r#act! $ think this %hol# ar#a is ra.ioacti(# or som#thing! /n.

%#r# b#ing t#st#. to s## ho% it #''#cts us!A



@oo. lor.!A $ sai. @$ cant #(#n imagin# tripping 'or months on #n. but

to .o it to a chil.!!!!that2s!!!insan#! $ can2t b#li#(# that! /r# -ou sur#<A

Wol'gang no..#. sol#mnl-! @What .i. it .o to th#m< $ m#an th#-

must2(# gon# insane! hat2s pr#tt- much .#stro-ing a ki.2s soul! ;o%

.i. th#- #(#n 'in. som#on# inhuman #nough to!!!A $ l#t th# s#nt#nc#trail b#caus# $ kn#% %h#r# * %ithin th# communiti#s o' sci#nc#! o. is

D#a.! Not 'rom natural caus#s but %as surl- mur.#r#. in col. bloo. b-

th# m#n o' sci#nc#! $ '#ar th#m! =(#n no% $ pictur# th#m an unsmiling

mob in lab coats grabbing m- shoul.#rs hol.ing m# .o%n m- #-#s

%il. %ith '#ar as #ach on# tak#s a tin- mors#l o' m- 'l#sh an. bloo.

hol.ing it %ithin th# (ic# grips o' som# m#tal pli#rs a .#(ic# out o'

som# Hictorian sick %ar.! $ %atch as on# a't#r anoth#r th#- com# s##

m- shoul.#r #at#n a%a- b- th#ir instrum#nts sp#ck b- tin- sp#ck.isapp#aring th#n m- arm m- han. th#n th#- b#gin r#mo(ing portions

o' m- si.#s m- ribs an. th#n th#- .ismantl# th# #ntir# %orl.!

@$ .on2t kno% %hat #''#ct th# .rugs ha. on th#m! hat2s b##n

classi'i#.!A

@hat is som#thing! $ ha. no i.#aA Marc#l spok# up +ui#tl- @it r#min.s

m- o' Dr! M#ngal an. th# Na3is an. th# t#rribl# #p#rim#nts th#- .i.!A

@h %#ll that %as r#all- t#rribl#! Disturbing stu''!A

@Wh- %hat .i. th# Na3is .o<A ,#na ask#.! Wol'gang turn#. his ga3#

.o%n%ar. an. purs#. his lips! ;# %oul. not sp#ak!

Marc#l sai. @You2(# n#(#r h#ar. o' Dr! M#ngal< h# J#%s in th#

conc#ntration camps us#. to call him Dr! D#ath! ;# lik#. that! ;# #(#n

.r#ss#. up as .#ath on occasion at parti#s! ;# .i.!!!things!!!inhuman!

Monstrous!A,#na '#ll p#nsi(#! >roo.ing! h# air b#cam# strain#.! @,ik# %hat<A :#th

ask#. looking us all aroun.!

Marc#l h#sitat#. @h t#rribl# things!!!monstrous

#p#rim#nts!!!h#!!!%oul. 'orc# %om#n to gi(# birth %hil# s#%ing up



th#ir l#gs so th# bab- coul. not l#a(# h#r bo.-!!! uh!!!just t#rribl#

t#rribl# things!A

@hat2s a%'ulA ,#na %as shock#. @ho% coul. th#-< ;o%!!!coul. a

p#rson .o that to anoth#r p#rson!!!A

@Na3is %#r# 'ucking #(il!A :#th shook his h#a.!

Wol'gang rais#. his #-#bro%s @$' onl- it %#r# so simpl#! /ctuall- Jung

pr#.icat#. just such barbarit- in th# #rman p#opl#! $ m-s#l' am

#rman! /t that tim# 'or %hat#(#r r#ason th# p#opl# o' that soci#t-

.#ni#. a pi#c# o' th#ms#l(#s that .ark @#(ilA si.# o' th#ms#l(#s! $t

coll#cti(#l- b#cam# unconscious proj#ct#. onto oth#rs in this cas# th#

J#%ish p#opl#s until it #rupt#. in th#ir consciousn#ss an. massacr#.hal' o' =urop#! Wolan. hat is an anci#nt .#it- o' War that Jung

proph#si3#. th# #rman p#opl# %oul. b#com# poss#ss#. b-! /n.

tragicall- th#- .i.!!!h# 'orc#s %ithin us must al%a-s b# honor#.! $t is

lik# c#rtain r#ligious m#n %ho cr- out against homos#ualit- onl- lat#r

to

b# caught %ith anoth#r man! Wh#n $ s## so man- -oung p#opl# s##king

r#li#' in #ast#rn m-sticism $ o't#n think it is not #nlight#nm#nt th#-

n##. but endarkenment !A

@:t! John2s .ark night o' th# soul!A h#ophan ha. +ui#tl- join#. us! ;#

stoo. arms 'ol.#. in his .ark h#a(- rob# looking s#rious an. int#ns#!

;is #-#s burn#. lik# '#(#rish black .iamon.s! @r Jonah2s .#sc#nt into

th# %hal#s b#ll-!A

Wol'gang shook his h#a. appro(ingl- @Just so! =actl- #actl-! hat is

%hat to.a-2s ch#ap spiritualit- .iso%ns as .i. th# Na3is!A

@Wol'gangA Marc#l ask#. @/r# -ou sa-ing th# #rman2s b#cam# #(il

b#caus# th#- .#ni#. th#ir .ark#r si.#<A

@Not became #(il .i. #(il! ;a(# -ou h#ar. o' Hictor 7rankl < No< ;# is

r#sponsibl# 'or th# thir. Hi#nn#s# school o' ps-cholog- a't#r 7r#u. an.



/.l#r ? ,ogoth#rap- %hich is bas#. on h#lping th# in.i(i.ual to 'in.

m#aning in th#ir li(#s! /n #traor.inar- man! / b#acon aroun. %hich so

much .arkn#ss o' this last c#ntur- %hirl#.! ;# sp#nt three years in

/usch%it3! /usch%it3 Can -ou imagin#< hink o' it h# %as at that

plac# %h#r# h#ll cam# clos#st to touching #arth! /rguabl- th# most #(ilspot that has #(#r curs#. this #arth in all o' mankin.2s bloo.- histor-!

h# things that man must ha(# s##n!!!;# %rot# about it an. .o -ou

kno% %hat h# sai.< /'t#r %itn#ssing atrocit- on a l#(#l -ou an. $ can

scarc#l- imagin# h# sai. h# ha. onl- s##n on# on# Na3i o''ic#r that

coul. prop#rl- b# .#signat#. as #(il or trul- satanic!A

@What nl- on#A Marc#l #claim#. @$ can not b#li#(# that!A

@hat is not allA Wol'gang continu#. %ith a mischi#(ous grin an.%a(ing his 'ing#r

in th# air @hat on# in.i(i.ual %ho Hiktor ha. .#ci.#. %as trul-

in'#st#. %ith an #(il

spirit lat#r %as arr#st#. at th# Numburg#r trials an. s#nt to prison

%h#r# #(#ntuall- h# .i#.! >ut b#'or# h# .i. Hiktor r#c#i(#. r#ports on

th# man! /ppar#ntl- in prison h# ha. th# r#putation o' som#thing lik# a

saint "rison#rs an. guar.s alik# r#port#. that th# man sp#nt his .a-stoiling to r#li#(# th# su''#ring o' oth#rs att#n.ing to th# sick an.

#l.#rl-!A @Wo%!A ,#na l#t out!

@:o -ou s##!!!A Wol'gang rais#. his palms op#n 'ac# up an. shrugg#.!

@hat is!!!incr#.ibl#! rul-!A Marc#l sai.!

@hat is corr#ct! No man is #(ilA h#ophan stat#. stroking his long

black bush- b#ar. no..ing appro(ingl- his lik#%is# bush- #-#bro%sknitt#. as i' h# %#r# p##ring into th# spiritual truth o' th# matt#r @h#r#

is no #(il! nl- goo.!A

@Du.# th#r#2s #(il! rust m#!A :#th sai.! @/n. %hat about :atan

h#ophan<A Marc#l ask#.!



@;# #ists onl- b- th# grac# o' o. an. s#r(#s in ;is purpos#!

=(#r-thing s#r(#s a moral purpos#! =(#n this .ust th# rocks th#

mist!!!%# abi.# in a Moral uni(#rs#! A h#ophan spok# %ith #as-

authorit-!

W#rth barl#- au.ibl# a lo% grumbl# sai. @ :o sa-s M#phistoph#l#s $

am a part o' th# po%#r %hich 'or#(#r %ills #(il an. 'or#(#r %orks goo.!2

* 7aust!A No on# #ls# h#ar.! @No goo. no ba. it is %hat it is! h#r# is

no moralit- onc# -ou r#ali3# that -ou can mak# p#ac# %ith th# %orl.!A

=ug#n# sai.!

W#rth ? @n his .#ath b#. a %oman ask#. hor#au i' h# ha. ma.# p#ac#

%ith o. Ma.am2 h# sai. %# ha(# n#(#r +uarr#l#.!2A h#r# %as

som#thing!!!r#ptilian about W#rth but tonight h# s##m#. unnatural h#%asn2t #(#n using his o%n %or.s h# %as lik#

a conglom#ration o' lit#rar- r#'#r#nc#s mor# /rt2s chil. than Natur#s!

:#th snort#. @;uh! $2m anti* moralit-!A o g#t ,#na2s att#ntion $ sai.

@W#ll $2m anti* mortalit-!A No on# pai. m# an- att#ntion th#- %#r# too

#ngross#. in th# con(#rsation! @h#r# ar#A h#ophan b#gan slo%l-

@M#n %ho b#li#(# #(il is th# abs#nc# o' goo.! th#rs b#li#(# that #(il is

a 'orc# o' its o%n th# opposit# o' goo.! $t is m- b#li#' ho%#(#r that%hat p#opl# call #(il is simpl- goo.!!!%arp#.! oo. that is t%ist#.

turn#. in%ar. to%ar. th# s#l' inst#a. o' 'lo%ing naturall- to%ar. th#

th#r!A

@"#rhaps! >ut stillA Marc#l insist#. @ho% can on# call thos# :: m#n

%ho butch#r#. chil.r#n human b#ings< $t s##ms to m# th#- ha(#

'or'#it#. that lab#l! ;o% coul. on# maintain on#s humanit- an. .o %hat

th#- .i.<A@W#ll $2(# al%a-s 'oun. it int#r#stingA Wol'gang ans%#r#. @that man-

o''ic#rs in ;itl#r2s arm- at a c#rtain point in th#ir car##r %#r# gi(#n

kitt#ns to car# 'or! h#n a't#r t%o %##ks ha. gon# b- th#ir sup#rior

%oul. march up to th#m han. th#m an ic#*pick an. .#man. that th#-

pok# out th# poor cr#atur#s #-#s!A



@h m- go. hat2s sick $ .on2t think $ %anna h#ar an- mor#!A ,#na

look#. pal# sh# grimac#. h#r ga3# s##m#. lost!

@/n. %hat %as th# point o' that<A Marc#l ask#.!

@W#ll %#ath#r th#- r#ali3#. it or not $ think %hat that uh +uit#

primiti(# ritual .i. %as .#humani3# th# m#n so that th# a%'ul things

th#- %oul. b# ask#. to .o %oul. b# #asi#r 'or th#m! You s## th#- tra.#.

th#ir humanit- in 'or ;itl#r2s (ision! $t %asn2t onl- th# J#%ish p#opl#

%ho su''#r#. not onl- th# tortur#. but th# m#n %ho .i. th# torturing as

%#ll b- sacri'icing th#ir humanit-! Wh#n -ou un.#rstan. that th#n -ou

b#gin to

appr#h#n. th# #normous scop# o' th# trag#.-!A

@=(#n trag#.- s#r(#s th# %ill o' go.!A h#ophan spok# plainl-!

@/h $ .on2t kno% about thatA Marc#l count#r#. @$ think th#r# ar#

man- J#%ish p#opl# %ho %oul. .isagr## %ith that in 'act it %as a't#r

th# holocaust that th# J#%ish p#opl# b#gan to +u#stion go. to put ;im

on trial!A

@"ut God on trial< Fs to ju.g# HimA h#ophan look#. 'labb#rgast#.!

@o. histor- th# &0th

c#ntur- man!!!#(#r-thing!A Marc#l sai.!

@/n. -#t th#r# is som#thing to %hat h# sa-s Marc#lA Wol'gang b#gan

@7or Hiktor 7rankl t#lls us that th# sam# c#ntur- that pro.uc#. thos#

t#rribl# gas chamb#rs also pro.uc#. m#n an. %om#n %ho pass#. into

thos# gas chamb#rs %ith th# nam# o' o. on th#ir lips!!!!A

W# %#r# all +ui#t! =(#r-thing %as +uit#! No on# spok#! W# l#t thos#gol.#n %or.s %hos# s#ntim#nts %#r# st##l#. in th# t#rribl# 'ir#s o' ;#ll

its#l' sink into our 'l#sh b#com# on# %ith our bloo. an. '#lt a p#ac#

th# a%#som#n#ss o' such a r#spons# to unr#mitting horror an. .#spair

.iminish#. us into humilit-!

Chapt#r 7i't##n



@>ut Wol'gangA Marc#l 'inall- spok# up @.o -ou b#li#(# that is %hat

r#all- is going on h#r#< hat it is an #p#rim#nt<A

Wol'gang shrugg#. his shoul.#rs @What .o -ou b#li#(#<A

@$ ha(#n2t th# 'aint#st notion!!!!A

@W#ll -ou must ha(# som# i.#as Marc#l!!!!A Wol'gang pro..#. @What

about that r##k l#sson -ou ga(# m#!A

@h that that %as just!!!sp#culation! Not #(#n sp#culation mor# lik#

thinking out lou.!A @#ll th#m %hat -ou tol. m#!A

$ notic#. W#rth s##m#. to b# pa-ing att#ntion h# shi't#. on th# boul.#ran. 'ac#. Marc#l l#aning in!

@Y#s! W#ll it2s ob(ious isn2t it< %#l(# boul.#rs 'or t%#l(# p#opl# to

push %ithout #''#ct! $t2s #actl- lik# :is-phus -ou kno% in th# anci#nt

r##k m-th! ;# %as .oom#. b- th# go.s to #t#rnall- push a boul.#r up

hill n#(#r to r#ach th# top onl- to ha(# it roll .o%n again an. again!A

@$t is int#r#stingA Wol'gang sai. @th# signi'icanc# o' th# punishm#nt!A

@W#ll +uit# simpl- a man .oom#. to a m#aningl#ss #ist#nc# th# #act

stat# most m#n o' mo.#rnit- ar# trapp#. in to.a- %as to th# r##ks th#

most horribl# punishm#nt imaginabl# %ors# #(#n th#n not #isting at

all!A

@What2s th# point!A =ug#n# ask#. 'latl- ston# col. #-#s pi#rcing into

Marc#l h# stoo. on th# right si.# o' ,#na :#th %as on h#r l#'t!

@h# point< Who can sa-! Most lik#l- our ignoranc# is int#gral to th##p#rim#nt! "robabl- som# obsc#n#l- rich nation #amining th#

ps-chological #''#cts o' this li'#st-l# on us! W# ar# rats '#. b- spi.#rs!

/lthough p#rsonall- such a 'at# .o#s not s##m so horribl# to m#!

:is-phus %h#n $ pictur# him $ s## rolling his boul.#rs %ith a smil#! Not



unhapp- at all! ;# is .oing th# %ill o' th# go.s an. %hat mak#s all th#

.i''#r#nc# in th#

%orl. h# kno%s it too!A

$saac spok# up @,ik# Chuang ;#2s smiling all th# tim# isn2t h#< /ll

th# tim# rolling his boul.#r %ith that big grin o' his! >ut!!!$ think %hat

int#r#sts m# is why th# go.s punish#. :is-phus th#- %oul.n2t ha(#

.on# it 'or no r#ason :is-phus must2(# #arn#. his punishm#nt right<A

Marc#l rais#. an #-#bro% @=arn#.< hat is an int#r#sting %a- to look at

it! :url- it %as not hapha3ar.! h#r# ar# (ariations on th# m-th but

#ss#ntiall- :is-phus is usuall- portra-#. as th# +uint#ss#ntial con man

a supr#m# manipulator a som#%hat .#(ilish charact#r %ho #(#n kill#.in or.#r to a.(anc# or maintain his social position! ;# %as th# king o'

tr#ach#r- b#tra-ing not onl- his broth#r st#aling his thron# but #us as

%#ll 'ath#r o' th# go.s Fpon l#arning that :is-phus ha. .i(ulg#. his

s#cr#ts particularl- a most s#nsiti(# on# *o' his rap# o' th# ri(#r go.s

.aught#r* #us #nrag#. or.#r#. ;a.#s go. o' th# un.#r%orl. to chain

:is-phus .##p in th# un.#r%orl. but %il- as #(#r :is-phus innoc#ntl-

ask#. hanatos go. o' D#ath to sho% him ho% th# chains coul.

possibl- hol. him! :o hanatos .#monstrat#. on hims#l'! :is-phus+uickl- s#cur#. th# chains an. no% ha. hanatos D#ath its#l' boun.!

W#ll %ithout th#ir abilit- to .i# /r#s go. o' %ar 'oun. 'ighting his

#n#mi#s pointl#ss not to m#ntion thoroughl- 'rustrating an.

imm#.iat#l- 'r##. hanatos an. s#nt :is-phus back .o%n to th#

un.#r%orl.! >ut b#ing #(#r cl#(#r :is-phus b#'or#han. ha. instruct#.

his %i'# that %h#n h# .i#. not to o''#r up th# usual customar- sacri'ic#!

W#ll to th# go.s h# complain#. that his %i'# b- ignoring th# custom

gr#atl- .ishonor#. him an. p#rsua.#. "#rs#phon# Ru##n o' th#

Fn.#r%orl. to allo% him to go back up an. r#cti'- th# gross

injustic#! ' cours# onc# topsi.# h# r#'us#. to go back! =(#ntuall-

;#rm#s ha. to go '#tch him an. bring him back un.#r! 7or that most

#gr#gious o''#ns# tricking an. #(#n outsmarting th# go.s som#thing

#(#n ,uci'#r n#(#r pull#. o'' h# %as con.#mn#. #n.l#ssl- to roll his



boul.#r up a hill n#(#r to r#ach th# top 'or all #t#rnit-!A $saac thought a

mom#nt patting his smooth chin %ith his in.# 'ing#r @:o that coul.

b# itA $saac sai. @Ma-b# %# all .i. som#thing %rong an. this is our

punishm#nt! $t can2t b# ran.om! W# %#r# pick#. 'or a r#ason!A

Marc#l r#spon.#. @7irstl- that is pr#suming th#r# is som# kin. o'

int#llig#nc# b#hin. our pr#.icam#nt! =(#n i' th#r# %#r# %oul.n2t such a

punishm#nt b# 'util# unl#ss a %# kno% it2s a punishm#nt an. b %#

kno% %hat o''#ns# it %as that bought us into this plac#! o b# ju.g#. b-

a phantom #(#n an imaginar- on# is s#ns#l#ss!A

@:till! Ma-b# %#2r# suppos# to 'igur# out %hat %rong %# .i.A $saac

sai.!

@Who th# h#ll is th#-< You all soun. insan#! r-ing to rationali3# %hat is

irrational! h#r# can b# no r#asonabl# #planation as to %h- %#2r# h#r#!

W# just ar# p#rio.! W# must acc#pt it %# must honor it! You all %ast#

-our %or.s! /n. .o injustic# to th# r#alit- o' our situation!A

@ If it is r#al!A $t %as Mahāk āś-apa W# %#r# all stunn#.! ;# bo%#. his

sha(#n h#a. %hich pok#. out o' his gol.#n rob#s that '#ll in casca.#s o'

luurious .##p 'ol.s! @7orgi(# m# but $ thirst! M- .#ar 'ri#n. Chuang $

'#ar is g#tting ol.#r an. 'or th# past t%o .a-s h# has brought m# no

'oo. no %at#r! "l#as#!A Chuang %as o'' som#%h#r#! "robabl- sl##ping!

$t %as lat# an. th# gloom ha. gro%n thick#r! Not h#at but light 'rom th#

'ir# thr#% .##p sha.o%s an. a so't orang# glo% on our 'ac#s! @'

cours# $ shall 'in.

-ou on#! W#rth ma- $ borro% -our sta'' to 'in. a l##ch 'or our 'ri#n.<A

W#rth %ithout mo(ing or looking up simpl- grunt#. an. han.#. out his

sta'' %hich Wol'gang grabb#. an. th#n trott#. out into th# .arkn#ss%ith! @;o% .o m#an<A =ug#n# ask#. his (oic# 'irm una''#ctionat#!

Wh#n th# monk spok# his (oic# 'loat#. lik# a .o(#2s '#ath#r on a g#ntl#

summ#r2s br##3# 'ull o' t#n.#rn#ss .#(oi. o' all t#nsion! @Ma-a

illusion! his is not r#al!A h# monk continu#. @What is r#al<A ;# b#nt

.o%n an. grabb#. a han.'ul o' .ust l#tting it crumbl# an. 'all b#t%##n



his 'ing#rs @his< /r# -ou < /m $ < his hu..ling bun.l# o' 'l#sh an.

n##. that app#ars on th# #arth as bri#' as light#ning that 'lash#s in th#

night sk- b#t%##n an #n.l#ss .arkn#ss * is this r#al< No nam# on# thing

that is lasting that is r#sistant to th# %h##l o' chang# * th#r# is no thing

in all this %orl. o' p#rman#nc#! No thing at all!!!A ;is #-#s sparkl#. as i' th#- h#l. som# s#cr#t p#rhaps #(#n the s#cr#t!

@>ut that is not right m- 'ri#n.A h#ophan sai. g#sticulating in th# air

@his is r#al /n. b#caus# it is r#al %hat %# .o h#r# matters!A

@o %hom h#ophan<A Marc#l ask#.! h#ophan b#cam# animat#. @o

#t#rnit- $t matt#rs it matt#rs!!!You can not turn this %orl. into a

.r#amA

@What about right h#r# in this plac#< What can %# .o h#r# that

matt#rs<A Marc#l sai. .#spairingl- a bit bitt#rl-!

@W#!!! %# can com'ort on# anoth#r 7or on#! /n.!!!push our boul.#rs!A

h#n h# stoo. strait rais#. a 'ing#r in th# air an. sai. @hat is %h-

Christianit- %#nt 'rom b#ing an obscur# tin- s#ct o' b#li#(#rs to a %orl.

%i.# ph#nom#na b#caus# %# b#li#(# things matt#r b#caus# o' our

charit- %ork! $n 'act %h#n %# arri(#. in $n.ia th#

poor ha. no hospitals! h# p#opl# b#li#(#. in karma2 an. pro'#ss#.

that th#s# sick an. po(#rt- strick#n p#opl# .#s#r(#. %hat th#- got that

to h#lp %oul. alt#r th# cosmic balanc#! >ut to us Christians a man or

%oman or chil. %ho su''#rs is not a .r#am h#- matt#r! You matt#r!

What %# .o h#r# *A

W#rth put a bon- sk#latin# han. on m- shoul.#r an. in a lo% gra(#l

(oic# sai. into m- #ar @;#nr- Jam#s!!!!h# sai. an. $ +uot# (#rbatim!!!th# %orl. as it stan.s is no illusion no phantasm no #(il .r#am o' a

night9 %# %ak# up to .o it again 'or #(#r an. #(#r2 %# can n#ith#r 'org#t

it nor .isp#ns# %ith it!2A



/s th#- %#r# arguing $ notic#. h#ophan p##ring into th# .arkn#ss h#

int#rrupt#. Mahāk āś-apa @What is that< h#r# in th# mist< =cus# m#

'ri#n. $ s## som#on#! Chuang< $s that -ou<A $ look#. an. sa% nothing

but (#l(#t sha.o%! @;#llo Chuang< Who2s out th#r#<A W# all tri#. to

pi#rc# th# gloom! @h#ophan $ s## nothing!A Marc#l sai.! @$ts probabl-

Wol'A $saac sai.! W# all strain#. to list#n! /bruptl- crashing out o' th#

.arkn#ss a man '#ll 'lat on his stomach! @h A h#ophan #claim#.

an. rush#. o(#r 'lipping th# man o(#r! ,#na shri#k#. an. %h#n $

look#. o(#r sh# ha. hu..l#. up to :#th =ug#n# sa% this too an. 'i#r-

.agg#rs o' mur.#r#ss hat# shot 'rom his #-#s! $ ha. susp#ct#. som#thing

b#t%##n =ug#n# an. ,#na th#- %#r# both utt#rl- natural p#rsons an.

r#all- a p#r'#ct match! $saac %as looking all aroun. #cit#. h#

stamm#r#. @/noth#r on# ;#2s h#r# No% h#2s h#r# W#2ll s## h# laston#2s h#r# an. no% %#2r# gonna s##A h#ophan b#nt o(#r th# strang#r $

coul. s## th# mans 'ac# %as a bloo.- m#ss h#ophan %as %iping o''

th# bloo. %ith his rob# h# stoo. strait an. sai. lip tr#mbling @;# is

hurt Ruickl- W# must g#t Wol'gang Watch him!A With that h#

boun.#. into th# clou.-

blackn#ss! $ %as stunn#. to s## t#ars in his #-#s! "lant#. in th# mi..l# o'

all this con'usion Mahāk āś-apa sta-#. still an. strait as a column asmil# on his lips his bro% calm his #-#s t%inkling %hil# h#ophan

%orri#. $saac hop#. :asha hu..l#. =ug#n# rag#. Marc#l

cont#mplat#. an. $ stoo. 'ro3#n in con'usion!

/s %# %ait#. 'or h#ophan to r#turn %ith Wol'gang W#rth sai. out

lou. to no on# in particular @$n Dant#2s $n'#rno th#r# is a circl# o' ;#ll

r#s#r(#. 'or t%o %arring armi#s th# ;oar.#rs an. th# Wast#rs %ho

sp#n. #t#rnit- rolling #normous boul.#rs.” >ut no on# h#ar. th#- all

%#r# %rapp#. tightl- p#rhaps to th# point o' choking %ithin th# lock#.%omb o' th#ir o%n s#l'*car#s!

>ut $ ha(# com# to hat# illusion an. so $ %ill onc# again cross that

sacr#. chasm that s#parat#s narrator 'rom author! You r#a.#r kno% that

this is %ritt#n b- a man an. is an arti'ic#! /n. that although $ aim to



r#port obj#cti(#l- -ou an. $ both ar# cogni3ant that th#s# #(#nts ar# not

m#r#l- obs#r(#. but ha(# b##n transmogri'i#. as l#a. can b# in th#

alch#mical 'ir#s o' m- imagination! What is ma.# is not gol. or #(#n

sil(#r but o' (alu# #nough to m# sinc# as $2(# .#ci.#. to k##p ali(#

until $ s## this stor- publish#. thos# %ho rank li'# human li'# abo(#gol. %ill agr## this littl# #p#rim#nt is sur#l- %orth %hil# r#gar.l#ss o'

its a#sth#tic %orth! >#'or# $ go 'urth#r $2. lik# to r#lat# an inci.#nt at a

part- $ onc# att#n.#.! You shoul. notic# that no% it is $ an. not th#

narrator sp#aking! /'t#r .inn#r %# ha. all r#tir#. to th# hosts li(ing

room an. %#r# con(#rsing at our l#isur# %h#n a -oung %oman rich an.

(#r- r#'in#. a stu.#nt a th#at#r major brought up a +u#stion as a sort o'

gam# %# might pla-! h# +u#stion put %as this * i' a hous# containing a

cat an. th# onl- #tant 'olios o' :hak#sp#ar# caught 'ir# an. -ou kn#%-ou

ha. onl- tim# #nough to sa(# on# or th# oth#r %hich %oul. -ou r#scu#<

@h# cat ' cours#!A n# ol.#r la.- #claim#.! @$s it a kitt#n or a cat<A

/noth#r -oung la.- ask#.! @hat .o#sn2t matt#rA n# o' th# m#n

#claim#.! @Y#s it .o#sA /n #l.#rl- la.- count#r#. @$s th# cat ol. an.

r#a.- to .i# or a n#%born %ith -#ars o' li'# ah#a.< $t absolut#l-

matt#rs!A h# -oung %oman %ho ha. 'irst brought it up sai. @W#ll $2.

sa(# th# :hak#sp#ar#!A @You must b# ki..ingA / man #claim#. @You%oul. sa(# a '#% books o(#r li'#A / %oman $ b#li#(# his %i'# sai.

@W#ll no% %ait a minut# som# p#opl# r#a. :hak#sp#ar# lik# it %as th#

bibl#! Who can sa- ho% man- li(#s :hak#sp#ar# has sa(#.! h#r# ar#

p#opl# %ho %oul. ha(# committ#. suici.# %ithout him!A ;#r husban.

shook his h#a. @h#r#2s a shock! :h# choos#s an inanimat# obj#ct o(#r

an animat# on#!!!!,ook thos# p#opl# %oul. ha(# .isco(#r#. olsto-

th#n!A >- th# b- $ coul. #asil- ha(# s#t this littl# sc#nario amongst our

charact#rs but sinc# it .i.n2t actuall- happ#n among th#m $ %on2t!>#si.#s $ can gu#ss #(#r-on#2s r#spons#! W#rth c#rtainl- %oul. ha(#

chos#n th# :hak#sp#ar# :asha th# cat h#ophan * sinc# o. cr#at#. th#

cat an. m#r# man th# %ritings %oul. choos# th# '#lin#9 $saac =ug#n#

an. Chuang too! :#th $ 'oun. out lo(#. cats so!!! Marc#l is th# onl- on# $

r#all- .on2t kno% about! $ bring this up to t#ll -ou th# last man %hos#



nam# %as Carl %oul. $ think ha(# l#t both cat an. :hak#sp#ar# burn!

Not that h# %as #(il but h# simpl# %oul.n2t ha(# s##n th# utilitarian

purpos# o' #ith#r %hich in.##. n#ith#r ha.! $ %ithh#l. m- opinion

th#n but $2ll shar# it %ith -ou no%! h# comm#nt about %#ath#r it %#r#

a kitt#n or not is t#lling b#caus# humans automaticall- s#t li'# .o%n to ascal# o' (alu#s! /n ol.#r kitt#n lik# an ol.#r p#rson is p#rc#i(#. as l#ss

(aluabl# b#caus# it hol.s an. can gi(# l#ss li'#!

>ut not #actl- 'or it is also a matt#r o' +ualit- not just +uantit- o' li'#!

/n #l.#rl- p#rson is mor# (aluabl# than a kitt#n b#caus# o' his or h#r

capacit- 'or #p#ri#ncing li'# %hich in animals is r#lati(#l- limit#.! $t is

'or this r#ason that th# m#ntall- han.icapp#. ar# so hi..#n an. .#spis#.

Ls#cr#tl- in soci#t- th#r# pot#ntial 'or imbibing th# (ari#. asp#cts o'

li'# is mor# limit#. than ours! 7or #ampl# i' it %#r# a b##tl# inst#a. o'

a mammal that comp#t#. %ith :hak#sp#ar# it %oul. not b# a 'un gam#

b#caus# a bug #(#n though ali(# hol.s so littl# li'# as to b# n#gligibl#

an. .oubtl#ss #(#r-on# %oul. sa(# th# :hak#sp#ar#! :o 'or th# simpl#

r#ason that %ithin its 'olios ar# such a pl#thora o' strong li(#l-

p#rsonaliti#s such b#aut- that approimat#s an. p#rhaps #(#n ri(als

Moth#r Natur#2s h#rs#l' that it is m- cont#ntion that :hak#sp#ar#2s

%orks in 'act b#caus# o' th#ir immortal natur# contain mor# actual li'#

than r#si.#s %ithin cat! $ %oul. %ith W#rth choos# th# books! >ut itstill isn2t that simpl# b#caus# th# conc#pt o' m#aning2 has -#t to b#

'actor#. into th# #+uation! 7or $ %oul. not k##p th# :hak#sp#ar# i' it

m#t l#tting m- s%##t pup Maggi# to burn in th# 'lam#s! Wh- th#

.i''#r#nc#< M- .og has mor# li'# b#caus# som#on# $ ha(# ma.# h#r

mor# r#al Lan. -#s on# can .#signat# l#(#ls o' r#alit- b- imbuing h#r

%ith m#aning %ith that most pot#nt m#aning*mak#r ? lo(#! :o th#

+u#stion ought not b# is this animal ol. or -oung but ho% man- lo(#

h#r< ' cours# :hak#sp#ar# is b#lo(#. b- man- but b#ing not li'#l-can n#(#r b# r#.##m#. b- lo(# as can al%a-s th# 'ilthi#st b#ast! Marc#l

an. $ ha. a 'ascinating con(#rsation on th# int#rr#lation b#t%##n o.

r#alit- m#aning an. li'#9 but that happ#n#. lat#r!

Chapt#r :it##n



h# n#% man has a hamm#r an. a plan!

>oth Wol'gang an. h#ophan nurs#. th# n#%com#r Carl back to

h#alth! h# n#t .a- %# 'oun. Chuang! ;# %as curl#. up into a ball b#si.# his boul.#r s%#ating pro'us#l- appar#ntl- sick! Wol'gang

#amin#. his #ntir# bo.- an. coul. 'in. no sign o' a spi.#r bit# %hich

usuall- caus#. a larg# r#. rash an. conclu.#. that h# ha. som# sort o'

(irus! ;# spok# littl#! ;# shi(#r#. at tim#s (iol#ntl-! W# 'urnish#. %hat

clothing %# coul. %rapping him tightl- in it! W# ma.# sur# h# ha. #tra

%at#r as %#ll! $t s##m#. p#rman#ntl- to al%a-s b# 'i't- .#gr##s

7ahr#nh#it! h# abs#nc# o' t#mp#ratur# 'luctuation an. %#ath#r b#ing

anoth#r r#ason $ thought our situation arti'icial9 in 'act $ imagin#. this

#ntir# plac# stor#. in an #normous %ar#hous# %h#r# grim unsmiling

sci#ntists obs#r(#. an. scribbl#. 'uriousl- on clipboar.s! /t tim#s th#s#

thoughts strain#. m- n#r(#s an. $ b#gan to b#com# paranoi. * %as

Wol'gang a sp-< r ,#na #(#n< / '#ar o' going insan# has al%a-s

haunt#. m#! E#gularl- $ ha(# nightmar#s %h#r# soun.s assault m#

clashing an. clanging rings an. chim#s an. moans t%irl tog#th#r in

ghostl- sonatas (oic#s rippling an. r#(#rb#rating an. #choing ma.l-

%ithin m- skull th# paint 'rom %alls chipping a%a- an. trans'orm#.

into a rainstorm o' sparkling gr##n ins#cts * b##tl#s or 'airi#s* m-thoughts gallop %il.l- t%isting an. b#n.ing multipl-ing in con'usion

till $ am n#arl- blin.#. b- passing phantom colors bl##.ing into on#

anoth#r an. shap#s abstracting th#ms#l(#s into h#llish (isions * .ogs

an. .##r running %il.l- turn#. insi.# out h#ir (#ins m#at an.

sk#l#ton sho%ing .ripping bloo.- tongu#s on th# carp#t $ scr#am 'or

h#lp not b#ing abl# to h#ar m- (oic# abo(# th# .in o' .#lirium

#rupting all aroun.! Fsuall- $ a%ak# much .a3#. %ith thoughts stills%irling in m- h#a. * @Will $ #(#r r#co(#r<A @Wh#n %ill this h#ll #n.<A

@What i' th#- must #l#ctroshock m# or '##. m# massi(# amounts o'

anti*ps-chotics * %ill $ b# a 3ombi# %h#n $ com# to< Will m- p#rsonalit-

b# .#stro-#.<A ,ong minut#s pass!!!$ b#com# a%ar# o' m-

surroun.ings!!!r#ali3# it %as a .r#am onl-!!!



With Chuang sick Marc#l (olunt##r#. to bring Mahāk āś-apa his %at#r

an. 'oo.! $ susp#ct#. h# %ant#. to pick th# monks brain b#si.#s

Chuang ha. b##n h#r# th# long#st! ;o%#(#r th# monk %oul. not op#n

up a %or. or t%o a thanks an. a bl#ssing an. h# %#nt back ston-

'ac#. m#.itating against his boul.#r! ,uckil- th# sickn#ss last#. onl-

t%o .a-s mor# an. Chuang %as back rolling his rock that #(#r pr#s#nt

grin gracing his 'ac# again!

$ ha. (#r- littl# contact %ith th# n#% gu-! nc# again in a 'it o' s#l'

r#(ulsion $ promis#. m-s#l' to los# %#ight! =(#r- morning $ got .o%n

on m- kn##s to pl#a. %ith o. that h# grant m# th# str#ngth to 'orgo

#ating that h# tak# a%a- m- hung#r an. gi(# m# th# po%#r to ##rcis#

consist#ntl-! Fsuall- $ last#. 'our or 'i(# .a-s although som#tim#s%##ks %oul. pass b#'or# :loth lik# a massi(# hair- b#ast %oul. grip

m- throat an. pull m# .o%n into th# pit o' habit an. com'ort! $ronicall-

it is com'ort that soci#t- #tols obli(ious to th# 'act that i.l#n#ss gna%s

a%a- at th#ir an#mic souls! M- 'ailur# $ %or# aroun. m- b#ll- it hung

'rom m- ch##ks clung to m- thighs th#r# 'or an-on# to s##! :uch sa.

hop#! $ imagin#. b- star(ing m-s#l' in a matt#r o' %##ks m- bo.-

%oul. assum# lo(abl# proportions an. ,#na an. $ might!!! /n-%a- $

.i.n2t much sociali3#! $ .i.n2t sho% up at th# group m#als! $saac 'ill#.

m# in! $ can .#scrib# th# n#%

gu- ? lat# 'orti#s #arl- 'i'ti#s $ al%a-s sa% him %ith a bitt#r sco%l

t%isting thin bloo.l#ss lips! What struck on# imm#.iat#l- %as his

#normous bulging 'or#h#a. a cranium o' impossibl# cur(atur# lik# a

m#t#oric .om# pal# %hit# through %hich on# coul. s## a n#t%ork o'

blu# (#ins spr#a. out littl# hair un.#r %hich sh#l(#. his scrunch#. 'ac#!

;is #-#s %#r# small black sharp glass that glitt#r#. %ith an al#rt

massi(# anal-tical int#llig#nc#! ;# %as a short stock- soli. man.r#ss#. lik# Wol'gang in a suit onl- his %as .ark blu# an. pinstrip#.!

;# ha. uncommonl- larg# han.s as %#ll! /ppar#ntl- h# ha. a hamm#r

%ith him! ;is sp##ch %as slo% .#cisi(# an. controll#. %ith a thick

#ast#rn =urop#an acc#nt! $saac in'orm#. m# that h# ha. @call#. a

m##tingA %h#r#in $ %as @#p#ct#. to join!A :o $ sho%#. up! 7our .a-s



ha. pass#. sinc# h#2. arri(#.! /ll gath#r#. in a circl# aroun. th# 'ir#

#(#n Mahāk āś-apa %hich surpris#. m#! $saac tol. m# Carl ha. insist#.

an. n#arl- .ragg#. th# poor monk h#r#! 7irst Carl %#nt aroun. to

#(#r-on# shaking th#ir han. an. p#rsonall- thanking th#m 'or coming!

;# %as appar#ntl- 'on. o' c#r#mon-! ;is grasp %as 'irm h# look#.

right into m- #-#s @J#s -ou must b# Jon! $saac t#ll m#! $saac is goo.

man! $ kno% -ou ar# too! You call m# Carl! $s pl#asur# 'or -ou to com#!A

/'t#r that h# stoo. in th# c#nt#r b#si.# th# 'ir# %hich pro(i.#. a pal#

circl# o' light in th# .#pr#ssing .arkn#ss! ;# h#a(#. a .##p br#ath an.

start#. @No% sit! You all sit no%! hank -ou! $ lik# to thank #(#r- bo.-

'or b# h#r#! =(#r-bo.- kno%s =nglish so $ sp#ak but m- =nglish is

onl- a littl# goo.! $saac tol. m# about #(#r- on# an. $ hop# to #ach o'

-ou sp#ak on# on on#! :o $ gath#r -ou h#r# 'or r#ason! $ am n#%! ,ik#-ou $ kno% nothing ho% $ g#t h#r#! r %h-! >ut $ think som#thing

must b# .on#! W# must mak# plan! ! 7irst %# must %ork tog#th#r

#ach

ha(# job! Wh#n Chuang sick our .#ar Chin#s# 'ri#n. g#t no %at#r! /n.

W#rth! W#rth is goo. 'ri#n. but %hat i' h# g#ts sick< r hurt< /lr#a.-

this happ#n on# tim#! Who g#ts %at#r th#n< :am# 'or h#ophan!A /s h#

%as sp#aking $ coul.n2t h#lp noticing ho% tin- his #ars %#r#! ;# spok#

about possibl# .isast#rs 'oo. an. %at#r shortag#s possibl# animal

attacks th# .ang#r o' th# poisonous spi.#rs h# hint#. at spi#s h# %#nt

on 'or +uit# a%hil#! Whil# h# talk#. h# %oul. clap his han.s to

punctuat# th# #n. o' #ach s#nt#nc# look aroun. to #ach on# o' us in th#

'ac# th#n no.! $ %as ama3#. h# thought this all out in a m#r# 'our .a-s

%hil# $ just sunk into m- o%n murk- in#rtia! ;# mopp#. his pro.igious

bro% an. h#a. %ith a r#. k#rchi#' an. continu#. @ W# must %ork

tog#th#r! n# p#rson can .o not so much! ,ik# on# t%ig ? is %#ak! >ut

man- t%igs tog#th#r * is unbr#akabl# :o %# all pitch in! :om#on# musts## that #(#r-thing go#s tog#th#r goo.! $' -ou %ant $ can .o! $ just mak#

sur# #(#r-on# is .o th#ir job! h#n #(#r-thing %ork smooth an. 'in#!

W#rth can still g#t %at#r an. pri#st g#t 'oo. Lh# m#ant h#ophan! h#-

just t#ll m# in morning so $ kno% %# %ill ha(# 'oo. an. %at#r! $' not

th#n som#on# (olunt##r .o it! $ ch#ck! /lso %h#n spi.#r com# %# sl##p



tog#th#r th#n on# sta-s a%ak# mak#s sur# no bugs com# n#ar! /n. i'

s## on# %ill smash it! /gain (olunt##r! /n. oth#r things too! No% %h-

m#< Wh- b# boss< W#ll 'irst $ am l#a.#r in li'# $ m#an pro'#ssion is

l#a.#r in 'actor-! :o $ kno% ho% to! /n. $ kno% p#opl#! >ut no% sp#cial

r#ason! $ ha(# plan! :## p#rson must b# touching rock to %alk uphill-#s< >ut %h- all o' th# rock< Eock is too h#a(-! :o $ sa- %# br#ak rock!

W# br#ak into pi#c#s an. th#n %# carr- pi#c#s up hill With this %#

br#akA W# h#l. alo't a sil(#r m#tal hamm#r %ith black rubb#r han.l#!

;# rais#. it high in th# air triumphantl- lik#

"rom#th#us bran.ishing a torch o' 'lam#! $ ha(# to sa- th# gu- ma.#

s#ns# h# %as a .o#r! /n. $ sai. so a't#r h# ha. l#'t us to .iscuss it all!

ut o' all o' us $saac most '#r(#ntl- promot#. him @Wh- not<A h# sai.

@h# ob(iousl- kno%s %hat h#2s .oing! /n. a't#r onl- a '#% .a-s h# has

a plan all thought out! Mor# than an- o' us ha(# .on# -#a<A @$ .on2t

kno%A Marc#l sai. @$ am sk#ptical o' th# man %ho %oul. %ant such a

position!A Wol'gang no..#. an. a..#. @;# .#'init#l- s##ms th# uh

anal t-p#! ;# cl#arl- lik#s to b# in control!A Marc#l * @/n. ar# %#

%illing to gi(# up our s#ns# o' 'r##.om< $ 'or on# am not com'ortabl#

%ith an-on# ch#cking up on m#!A @$ too am unc#rtain!!!but h# is right in

that %# must all %ork tog#th#r 'or #ach oth#r!A h#ophan sai. @W#

cannot r#gr#ss %h#r# %# all ar# li(ing m#r#l- 'or our o%n s#l(#s! $t isgoo. 'or a s#ns# o' communit- to r#ign h#r#! $t is in s#r(ing oth#rs that

%# l#arn to b# human!A $saac jump#. in @/n. %hat i' %# run out o'

'oo. or %at#r lik# h# sai. an. th#r#2s no rul#s an. on# o' us starts

hoar.ing it a%a- an. th# r#st o' us ar# star(ing< $t coul. #n. in ma.n#ss

%ith us killing #ach oth#r!A @Man 'uck rul#sA :#th sai. @$ .on2t n##.

som#on# b#ing m- .a..-!A $saac r#tort#. @hat2s all goo. an. 'in# 'or

-ou but a't#r -ou2(# b##n h#r# 'or a%hil# lik# th# r#st o' us %ith no

sun an. no moon no %a- to t#ll tim# -ou2ll %ant a littl# structur# tooA@W# .o not n##. a l#a.#rA =ug#n# sai. @ =(#r-thing is naturall-

%orking out 'in# %ithout on# ! W# ar# onl- t%#l(# p#opl#! h# hamm#r

i.#a is a goo. on# %# ought to tr- it but th#r# is no n##. o' a chi#' 'or

that! $' som#thing .o#s go %rong %#2ll .#al %ith that %h#n it com#s!A

@h -#a< :oun.s goo. no% but %hat i' -ou2r# th# on# %ithout %at#r



%#r#n2t so trapp#. insi.# our h#a.s %hich Carl %as right #(#ntuall-

%oul. sur#l- ha(# l#a. to som# kin. o' outburst o' insanit-! W#rth %as

happ- h# k#pt coll#cting th# l##ch#s! h#ophan sta-#. %ith his job

coll#cting th# .ri#. .#a. spi.#rs 'or 'oo.! ;# also still push#. his

boul.#r sinc# h# #plain#. h# '#lt that although p#rhaps mistak#n h#@%as #p#ct#.A to an. must 'ul'ill that .ut-! $ ask#. i' h# %#r# tr-ing to

purg# hims#l' o' sin an. h# sai. @h no! hat is a mistak# on# must not

'orc# th# han. o' o.! ;# %ill trans'orm us in th# su''#ring 'ir#s o' his

lo(# in ;is tim# not ours!A /lso h# m#ntion#. th# m#n %ho #(#r- -#ar

ha. th#ms#l(#s cruci'i#. upon a cross an. .i# th#r# in imitation o'

J#sus! @$' onl- it %#r# so #as-A ;# sai. @ simpl- to .i# on a cross is

simpl# to lo(# on#s n#ighbor as on#s s#l' though!!!no%!!!th#r# is a tru#

'#at o' Christian str#ngth!A

$t %as gi(#n to =ug#n# an. Chuang to strip th# l##ch#s o' th#ir skin so

%# might bin. th#m tog#th#r into a sort o' t#nt prot#cting us 'rom th#

spi.#rs! $saac 'unction#. as Carl2s assistant! Wol'gang mor# or l#ss

t#n.#. to our ph-sical an. ps-chological h#alth! Carl ha. tol. him %ith

his han. on Wol'gang2s shoul.#r an. pointing right into his 'ac#

@"#opl# ar# lik# machin# i' machin# is not happ- %ill not 'unction! :o

-ou talk to #(#r- bo.- l#t th#m talk sa.n#ss to -ou so %ill not sta-

insi.# an. a''#ct 'unctioning! #t sa. out! Mak# sur# th#- think happ-A

M# ,#na an. Marc#l %#r# task#. %ith rolling #ach boul.#r as 'ar up

th# inclin# as %#

coul. m#asuring our progr#ss! $ .on2t kno% %h- h# chos# us thr## 'or

that! ;# hims#l' %ith $saac2s h#lp %ork#. on a ston# taking turns

hamm#ring it! $ %on.#r#. i' h# %#r# r#luctant to l#n. his hamm#r out

sinc# it %as in it an. not in him that our hop# trul- li(#.! $t2s rh-thmic

crack against th# rock rang out st#a.il-! /'t#r si hours $ %#nt to s## th# progr#ss! $saac op#n#. his palm a '#% 'lak#s o' rock! $t %as som#thing!

$ almost hal' #p#ct#. nai(#l- to s## th# thing split op#n an #l#ctric

magn#t insi.#! /noth#r gr#at chang# %as that no% %# sl#pt in a group

an. b#'or# turning in %oul. tra.# m#mori#s an. stori#s! Nothing too

.##p %# still %#r# all strang#rs to #ach oth#r although it .i. strik# m#



as #c#ptional ho% 'ri#n.l- #(#r-on# ha. gott#n %ith th# possibl#

#c#ption o' W#rth an. :#th! /ll glo%#. %ith th# h#alth- sh##n o' hop#!

Carl al%a-s %#nt to b#. right a%a-! h# snoring cut into th# night lik# a

%oun.#. %arthog! $ ha. just str#tch#. out b#si.# th# 'ir# %h#n $ h#ar.$saac ask out lou. @You kno% %hat $ miss< #a! Not #(#n Co''##! $' $

coul. ha(# a nic# hot cup o' t#a right no% an. som# br#a. $2. b#

happ-!A

@ $ts too ba. th# 'ir#2s not r#alA $ sai. @or %# coul. boil som# %at#r!A

@$ts r#al! $t consum#s th# l##ch carcass#s %# thro% in!A Marc#l sai.!

@hat2s tru#! :till it2s %#ir.!A

@$ miss m- 'ri#n.sA ,#na sai. l-ing on h#r stomach ga3ing into th#

'ir# @/n. m- .a.! $ %on.#r %hat th#-2r# .oing right no%! h#- must

think $2(# b##n ki.napp#.!!!!ack $ .on2t #(#n %anna think about it!A :h#

shook h#r h#a. o' th# thoughts!

@Y#a but %#2ll b# back soon think ho% happ- th#-2ll b# to s## -ou!A $

sai.!

@$ %ish %# ha. music!!!Coul. -ou imagin# Mahl#r on a night lik# this<AWol'gang

b#am#. lost alr#a.- in soul*stirring s-mphoni#s! @What about -ou

Chuang<A $saac ask#.!

;# sat up an. look strait up! @$ miss sk-A

W# all no..#. an. murmur#. agr##m#nt!

@$ miss th# s#a!A =ug#n# sai.! @$2(# al%a-s tri#. to li(# n#ar th# oc#an

-ou kno%! h# oc#an an. m- moth#r! $2(# %ork#. in ship-ar.s on boats

.oing m#nial %ork! Wh#n -ou2r# out in th# mi..l# o' th# oc#an %ith no

lan.mark in sit# an. -ou l#t -ours#l' b# h-pnoti3#. b- th# #n.l#ss

rh-thms o' th# %a(#s!!!th# gr#at oc#an h#a(ing b#n#ath!!!-ou can los#



-ours#l'! h# barri#rs s#parating -ou 'rom th# r#st o' th# uni(#rs# th#-

m#lt a%a- an. -our 'r##! h# ca.#nc# o' Natur#2s br#ath 'lo%s through

-ou tim# slo%s .o%n #(#r-thing 'a.#s a%a-!!!into on# #t#rnal no%! $

.on2t kno% i' it2s spiritual but it is a m-stical #p#ri#nc#!A

@hat2s b#auti'ul!A ,#na %hisp#r#.!

@hat it is! $n 'act m- mom us#. to t#ll m# a stor- %h#n $ %as a ki.! $t2s

'unn- but back th#n $ %oul.n2t go to sl##p till sh# tol. it! :h# us#. to

sa- that th# oc#an %as in lo(# %ith th# moon an. that2s %h- th# ti.#s

al%a-s %#nt in an. out b#caus# th# clos#r th# moon got th# mor# #it#.

th# s#a b#cam# an. b- sloshing back an. 'orth it %as tr-ing to gain

mom#ntum to jump 'r## o' th# #arth to #mbrac# th# moon! >ut it %as

too big! $t n#(#r coul.! /lso b#caus# th# #arth lo(#. th# oc#an an.%oul. n#(#r l#t it go!A

@What a %on.#r'ul stor-A Wol'gang #claim#.! hat night %# sl#pt all

imagining th# crash o' th# %a(#s our .r#ams cra.l#. b- th# puls# o' th#

%in#*.ark s#a!!!

W# pla-#. this gam# #(#r- night! n# tim# Chuang start#. us o''! @$ ask

Mahakas-apa

%hat it is h# (#r- most miss!A @What2. h# sa-<A

@;# sa- * nothingA

@oo. lor. ;o% can a blok# b# cont#nt to li(# in this %ast#lan.A $saac

#claim#.! Chuang shrugg#. his shoul.#rs @=(#r-%h#r# $ think it is

sam#! $ .on2t min.! $2m k h#r#! 7oo.! Wat#r!A ;# shrugg#. his

shoul.#rs!

@hat is %h-A Marc#l sai. @th# W#st is .ominating b#caus# o' its

.ri(# its ra(#nous hung#r 'or po%#r $2(# al%a-s thought it (#r- t#lling

that it %as th# Chin#s# %ho .isco(#r#. gunpo%.#r but us#. it 'or

'ir#%orks %h#r#as th# %#st utili3#. th# sam# .isco(#r- 'or %ar *

cannons an. guns /ppar#ntl- it n#(#r occurr#. to th# Chin#s#!!!A



Chuang simpl- shrugg#. his shoul.#rs onc# mor#! @:#th %hat is it that

most -ou miss<A ;# ask#. %ith a smil#! @M#< $ .on2t kno%! Nothing

r#all-! What th# h#ll is th#r#! M- job< No! $ .on2t ha(# a

girl'ri#n.!!!=(#r-thing pr#tt- much sucks! $ m#an $ %oul.n2t min. a

cigar#tt# an. a b##r! / b#. %oul. b# nic#!!!!$ miss m- 'ri#n.s $ gu#ss! $miss m- mom!A ;is (oic# b#cam# so't#r @Y#a $ miss m- mom! :h#2s

a%#som#! =sp#ciall- h#r cooking ;ol- shit i' -ou coul. tast# h#r pork

chops h#-r# 'ucking insan# /n. h#r chick#n too %ith ch##s# an.

this sauc#! Y#a! $2. 'ucking love to ha(# som# o' that right no%!A ;#

thought a mom#nt @>ut!!!b#si.# that nothing r#all-!A

@M- 'ri#n. h#ophan -ou What it is -ou most miss<A

@/h $ miss so much! $ miss m- parish! $ miss m- %i'#! :h# *A

@You2r# marri#.< $ thought -ou %#r# a pri#st<A ,#na ask#.!

@h -#s $2m marri#. all right to a strong lo(#l- %oman h m- poor

%i'# What is sh#

thinking right no%< $ am Eussian rtho.o! W# ar# allo%#. to marr-!

/'t#r all marriag# s-mboli3#s th# Di(in# union! ;o% $ miss h#r! :h#

us#. al%a-s to mak# m# th# most ama3ing b#at soup! :h# gr#% th# b#atsright 'rom h#r o%n gar.#n /h!!!an. th# %a- sh# %oul. look at

m#!!!>oth o' us ar# +ui#t p#opl#! W# coul. communicat# #(#r-thing

through our #-#s! Y#s n# look at m# an. sh# %oul. sa- "apa %hat2s

th# matt#r< /r# -ou still thinking about such an. such<2 /n. sh#2. b#

right =(#r- tim#!A ;# no..#. his gr#at shagg- h#a.!

@You ha. ki.s<A ,#na ask#.!

@h!!!W# ha. a .aught#r! :h# is in h#a(#n no%!A

@$2m so sorr-!A

@Y#s! $t %as a sa. situation!!!!$ miss h#r too! $ consol# m-s#l' %ith th#

thought that %# %ill b# r#unit#. in th# li'# to com#! $t still hurts o'

cours#!A ;# %inc#.! @h an. m- .#ar :tar#t3 ;o% coul. $ 'org#t him!



Nicko.#mus! / :tar#t3 is lik# a spiritual 7ath#r -ou s##! $n th#

rtho.o tra.ition %# n#(#r .o an-thing alon#! h# r#ason b#ing that to

us som#thing ma- s##m to b# absolut#l- an. s#l'*#(i.#ntl- th# truth but

%# can 'ool ours#l(#s! h# min. is a tr#ach#rous thing! :o %# t#ll our

:tar#t3 #(#r-thing! /n. h# hims#l' has a :tar#t3 %hom h# consults! h$ '##l h# %oul. kno% %hat b#st to .o h#r#! ;# al%a-s ha. a solution

#(#n %h#n to a +u#stion $ might put to him h# simpl- ans%#r#. %ith

sil#nc#! /n. i' h# .i.n2t kno% 'or Christianit- is not a philosoph- o'

ans%#rs %hich an- human min. can think up %hich is on# r#ason $

ha(# such 'aith in th# rinit- a't#r all it2s such a bi3arr# an. irrational

i.#a no human %oul. com# up %ith it l#t alon# b#li#(# in but i' h# .i.

not kno% h# %oul. at l#ast com'ort m#! ;# ha. a

.i(in# ra.ianc#! rul- on# '#lt o.2s grac# in his pr#s#nc#! $ coul. t#ll

-ou stori#s!!!! A >ut appar#ntl- nobo.- %ant#. to h#ar th#m sinc# %# all

sta-#. +ui#t!

@/n. -ou Jon< Do -ou ha(# a lo(#. on# %aiting 'or -ou %h#n %# l#a(#

this plac#<A h#ophan2s +u#stion cut m# to th# +uick! $ .i. not! What2s

mor# th#r# %as pr#cious littl# 'or m# to miss! $ coul.n2t miss ,o(# or

%ork 'ri#n.s or a %i'# b#caus# $ n#(#r ha. th#m! 7oo. %#ll #(#n

though b#'or# going to b#. $ stu''#. m-s#l' sill- it %as not b#caus# $r#(#l#. in th# tast#! $ at# to abat# m- lon#lin#ss! h# thought o' m- b#.

col. an. alon# (ast in its #mptin#ss s#t m- soul -#arning 'or a %arm

bo.- to sooth its angst an. 'in.ing non# hung#r 'or lo(# b#ing unm#t $

in.ulg#. in #ating! Mo(i#s an. #nt#rtainm#nt $ lik#. but coul. li(#

%ithout! ' cours# %h#n 'inishing an art pi#c# $ '#lt prou. mostl-

ho%#(#r cr#ating %as a tortur# 'or m#! $ un.#rstan. it %as th# sam# 'or

Conra.! h# %orl. ha. littl# to o''#r m# ,o(# an. o. %#r# all an.

n#ith#r ha. grac#. m- spirit! $ %as #mbarrass#. to a.mit it 'or '#ar o'looking path#tic in ,#na2s #-#s but %hat lost m# sl##p %as th# thought

o' m- .og * Maggi#! :h# %as a littl# thing 1I poun.s an. a mutt

probabl- hal' -orki#! :h# look#. lik# a littl# b#ig# b#ar 'ur- an. al%a-s

sitting %ith on# l#g sticking out! $ am subj#ct to nightmar#s an. %h#n $

scr#am in m- sl##p sh# %ill pounc# on m- b#ll- r#scuing m# 'rom thos#



.ark nocturnal phantoms %ith 'urious kiss#s 'ranticall- licking m- 'ac#

till $ a%ak# t%o moist bro%n #-#s staring into min# tail %agging! With

h#r at l#ast $ ha(# kno%n lo(#! /t tim#s m- li'# s##m#. so (acant an.

stillborn that $ thought m- onl- r#ason 'or li(ing %as to car# 'or that

littl# animal! $ %as al%a-s s#arching 'or som#thing in th# %orl. that%oul. m#an #nough to m# that $ would miss it! @FmA $ sai. @$ r#all-

miss m- b#. /n. a pillo% :om# hot

chocolat#!!!$ miss m- Dog!!!h#r nam# %as Maggi#!!!uh $ gu#ss m-

'amil- -ou kno%!!! an. 'ri#n.s! Music too lik# Wol'gang sai. i' $ coul.

h#ar som# Mil#s Da(is right no%!!! that2. b# ama3ing!!!$ miss m- hug#

har#m o' %om#n to pl#asur# m#!!!A $ glanc#. at ,#na but sh# onl-

smil#. a littl# th# jok# b#ing misplac#.! >ut $ coul.n2t b# sinc#r# $n#(#r coul.! ;o% to #pr#ss th# torri. storm o' #motions that .ail-

ripp#. m- gut to pi#c#s %ithout soun.ing insinc#r#< $ '#lt too .##pl- to

con'#ss to th#s# p#opl#! / 'ri#n. onc# tol. m# @You scar# p#opl# %ith

th# int#nsit- o' -our '##lings! h#- .on2t kno% ho% to tak# -ou!A ;#

%as right! :o $ mak# jok#s! @$ .o miss th# stars!A $ sai.! @Y#aA ,#na

br#ath#. %on.rousl-! $ continu#. @$ us#. to go up to th# /.iron.acks in

th# autumn an.* it %as so b#auti'ul just ama3ing! /t night th# stars

%oul. glitt#r lik# j#%#ls /n. th#-2. 'ill th# #ntir# night sk- th#r# %#r#

no black patch#s! ur gala- is call#. th# milk- %a- b#caus# back in th#.a- b#'or# #l#ctric lights blott#. out th# night sk- it %as as i' th# go.s

ha. pour#. sparkling milk all o(#r th# sk-! $t %as just lik# that! /n. th#

l#a(#s too /ll th# bright -#llo%s an. r#.s!!!it %as br#athtaking! :o

p#ac#'ul! Man up th#r# no matt#r ho% ba. or cra3- things got -ou

coul. n#(#r g#t too .o%n b#caus# #(#r-thing about th# plac# ma.# -ou

'##l lik# it all %as gonna %ork out! $ '#lt sa'# th#r#! h# 'or#st hol.s a

promis# 'or us in its maj#stic b#aut-!!!A

@What about -ou W#rth< /r# -ou a%ak#<A $saac ask#.! ;# sl#pt a littl#

apart 'rom us an. in th# .arkn#ss %# coul. onl- s## a sha.#! @$ miss m-

cat!A h# %or.s cr#ak#. 'rom th# .ark .#pths! @:h# ga(# m# a r#ason to

%ak# up in th# morning! /n. m- %riting! $' $ ha. a book o' po#tr- to

r#a.!!!!it %oul. g#t m# through th# night! $ suppos# $ can hop# to



trans'orm this #p#ri#nc# into a po#m!!!r#.##m all th#s# %ast#. hours

sp#nt in limbo! A

@>- 'ollo%ing o.2s %ill all o' tim# %ill b# r#.##m#.! nl- ;# can .o

this! "urpos# can com# onl- 'rom o.! /ll #ls# is (anit-!A h#ophan+ui#tl- sai.!

Carls .##p guttural (oic# startl#. us! @E#.##m -ours#l' b- %ork You

all sl##p no% pl#as#! omorro% .o much %ork! Mor# %ork soon#r %#

g#t hom#!A

@Carl %hat .o -ou miss<A ,#na ask#.!

@Miss< * Ho.kaA

W# all laugh#.! hat night %# sl#pt soun.l- '##ling s#cur#!

$ .r#am#. o' h#r that night! /t m- gran.par#nts %ith all m- cousins

(isiting ,#na app#ar#.! ;#r lith# tight bo.- scr#am#. to b# touch#. but

#(#n in .r#am th#r# is a la% against m#! #nnis in th# pool $ tol.

#(#r-on# in(iting h#r hoping to s## h#r in that pink bikini sh# onc#

sho%#. m# in a photograph 'rom $sra#l! :h# %as 'loating in th# .#a.

s##! >ut inst#a. as %# all pla-#. sh# talk#. on h#r c#ll phon# to h#r

sist#rs! utsi.# un.#r a bloo. thirst- moon halo#. %ith blu# 'ir# $

%atch#. h#r %alk! :h# ha. no guil#! Wh#r# $ blush#. at h#r unabash#.

s#ualit- Natur# h#rs#l' %as prou. o' h#r una''#ct#. simplicit-! With

th# #''ortl#ss unconstraint %ith %hich a poins#ttia .#clar#s its

unobtrusi(# charm sh# s#.uc#. m- soul into ob#.i#nc#! h# 'in# .o%n-

hairs on th# back o' h#r n#ck sung arias o' #+uisit# obsc#n# aromas

%hich $ long#. to inhal# .##p into m- aching lungs! /t coll#g# $2(#

notic#. -oung p#opl# o't#n touch on# anoth#r! h#- hug! $ %on.#r i'

th#ir li(#s ar# so .i''#r#nt 'rom min#!!!Do#s lo(# touch upon th#ir sightan. trans'orm th# gra- hostil# #il# $ #n(ision into 'ri#n.l- para.is#<

Do#s th# moon smil# 'or th#m %h#r# 'or m# it2s star# is cru#l< h h#llo

s#ual 'rustration $ .i.n2t s## -ou th#r# %ilt thou .o onto m# a 'a(or<

Y#s< "l#as# stab m# in th# groin *(iol#ntl-* til night'all %h#n $ r#tir#



%##ping alon# in m- b#.!!!an. i' #(#r $ can b# o' ai. to -ou!!!$ can<

What %ilt thou ha(# o' m# < Y#s surl- $ can * masturbat# obs#ssi(#l-

%hil# ignoring oth#r2s s-mpath- so m- s#l' pit- r#mains intact< Not a

probl#m ,#na Eos# th# shar.s o' -our m#mor- jangl# in m- skull

lik# shatt#r#. glass tonight! $ 'ollo%#. h#r into th# back -ar. %hich %assurroun.#. b- h#a(- %#t 'oliag#! / rustling in th# tr##s .r#% our

att#ntion! $n th# .r#am :#th cam# lumb#ring out strait to%ar. us!

Without glancing at m# h# grabb#. ,#na an. thr#% h#r o(#r his

shoul.#r turn#. aroun. an. start#. %alking! ;anging o(#r sh# start#.

.igging through his back pock#t! ;# paus#. an. t%ist#. back his h#a.!

;#r arm shot back an. sh# -#lp#.! / larg# #gg*lik# b##tl# #m#ral.

m#tallic gr##n p##p#. out ant#nna t%itt#ring th#n burst 'r## %ith a lou.

bu33ing 'lutt#r circling into th# pink*clou. str#%n -#llo% sk-! h# tr##sthick gr##n l#a(#s s##m#. to throb an. pant %ith m#nac#! =ach s##m#.

o(#rl- .#'in#. so inst#a. o' a blur o' gr##n #ach in.i(i.ual l#a' shin#.

an. shook %ith gloss- imm#.iac- #(#n th# miniscul# n#t %ork o' (#ins

stoo. out! Just th#n a t#n -r ol. littl# girl corn -#llo% hair still %#t 'rom

a sho%#r patt#r#. out onto th# la%n on tin- bar# '##t! :h# skipp#. o(#r

in h#r plain %hit# 'lims- go%n an. put h#r so't littl# han. in m-

#normous pa%! :h# look#. up at m# %ith larg# blu# .oll2s #-#s! $ b#nt

o(#r an. %hisp#r#. to h#r 'or no r#ason @,#t2s t#ll li#sA :h# l#t go m-han. an. clapp#. in .#light giggling biting h#r pink tongu#! W# all

thr## star#. up an. %atch#. as th# bug s%irl#. back to%ar. us! $t2s gr##n

sh##n sparkl#. in th# sunlight o'' its back a 'lash blin.#. us! :u..#nl-

as i' som#on# ha. sp#. up th# 'ilm h# shot straight .o%n plunging

.ir#ctl- into th# littl# girls groin :h# tumbl#. back lan.ing on h#r back!

;#r %hit# cotton .r#ss billo%#. g#ntl- .o%n! $ rush#. o(#r an. kn#lt

b#si.# h#r! :h# slo%l- op#n#.

h#r #-#s! /s $ p##r#. into th#m a black .ot app#ar#. in th# corn#r o' h#rright #-#! $t #pan.#. as i' 'illing %ith black li+ui.! ,ong string-

c#ntip#.#s %riggl#. out 'rom un.#r h#r #-# li.s th#ir innum#rabl# l#gs

m#chanicall- cr##ping o(#r h#r ros- ch##ks! $ stumbl#. back in horror!

@oo. go.A $ stutt#r#.! $ %hipp#. aroun. to ,#na %hom :#th ha. put

.o%n an. point#. @:h# * h#r #-#s * th#r# ar#*A h# groun. b#gan g#ntl#



inst#a. o' :#th th# littl# girl stoo. b#si.# m# hol.ing on# o' th# %hit#

mol#s! o m- horror $ notic#. sh# h#l. it up to th# si.# o' h#r 'ac# an.

%h#n sh# look#. at m# $ sa% it ha. torn o'' h#r #ar an. %ith a gross

'lick#ring purpl# tongu# %as suckling th# bloo.! :h# smil#. at m#! M-

h#art b#at %il.l- thu..ing against m- ribcag# %a(#s o' r#(ulsion an.t#rror rippl#. throughout m- 'lipping stomach @h!!!go. no!!!no no no

noA $ b#gan to blubb#r! @$t2s th# gr##n 'air- Ru##n A :om#on# k#pt

shouting! M- han.s %#r# shaking! =(#r-thing b#gan to spin! $ %as

losing control! $ %#nt to scr#am but nothing cam# out! @WhatA @What<A

@What .i. -ou sa-<A W#rth2s (oic#! ;# %as shaking m#! $ op#n#. m-

#-#s t#rri'i#. @What .i. -ou sa-<A W#rth %as asking! @What<A $ look#.

aroun. .a3#.! @You %#r# .r#aming Jon! alking in -our sl##p! No%

%hat %as it -ou %#r# sa-ing!A @:a-ing< What %as $ sa-ing< $!!!.on2tkno%! $ .on2t r#m#mb#r! $t %as a nightmar#! $ %as .r#aming!A

;# k#pt his 'ac# clos#! @$ %ill t#ll -ou %hat -ou %#r# sa-ing! You %#r#

shouting som#thing about th# gr##n 'air- +u##n!A

@h# %hat< h# 'air- +u##n<!!!!Was $ <A

@You most c#rtainl- %#r#! No% %hat $ %ant to kno% is ho% -ou happ#n

to kno% about h#r!A@no% about h#r< Who< What ar# talking about W#rth<A

@You .istinctl- m#ntion#. th# 'air- +u##n! h# gr##n 'air- +u##n! No% $

%ant to kno% %hat that nam# m#an to -ou! Jon<A

@M#an< $t .o#sn2t m#an a thing! $2(# n#(#r h#ar. o' it b#'or# in m- li'#!

What %as it<A @h# 'air- +u##n! h# green 'air- +u##n!A

@/ctuall- it .o#s soun. 'amiliar! $ .o r#m#mb#r!!!You kno% $ actuall-hallucinat#. %h#n that spi.#r bit m# a (oic# k#pt -#lling

som#thing!!!%ait a minut#! $ r#m#mb#r th# .r#am too!A

$ sat up an. r#lat#. to W#rth th# .r#am an. th# hallucination $ ha.!

W#rth s##m#. gr#atl- p#rpl##. an. som#%hat p#rturb#. bur h#



r#'us#. to sa- %h-! @$ must talk to Marc#l! $ %ill t#ll -ou lat#r!A ;#

shu''l#. o'' into th# .arkn#ss!! !

h# n#t #(#ning %# %#r# sitting aroun. th# 'ir#! Marc#l %as talking to

Wol'gang about th# (ari#. r#spons#s #ach o' us .ispla-#. to our uni+u#situation! :#th list#n#. to th#m 'or a%hil# an. th#n sai. @=h $ .on2t

b#li#(# in all that bullshit! "s-cholog- can2t t#ll -ou much about a

p#rson! h# sur'ac# things ma-b#! Ma-b# it can t#ll -ou som#thing

about th#ir chil.hoo. but!!!!"s-cholog- .isgusts m#! "#opl# ar#n2t a

bunch o' n#urosis! :om# o' 2#m ha(# a soul too! $ hat# that shit -ou

.octors tr- to pr- us op#n -ank out

#(#r-thing that mak#s us human an. th#n sa- %#2r# lik# a bunch o' m#at

machin#s! $t2s such bullshit! /n. -ou %anna kno% %hat< $ agr## %ith alot o' it! $ m#an most p#opl# ar# 'ucking machin#s! h#- %ak# up th#-

#at th#- shit th#- 'uck th#- .o th# sam# #act things #(#r- .a- th#-

sa- th# sam# #act things #(#r-.a- th#- all r#a. an. list#n an. %atch

an. think th# sam# things th#-2r# lik# r#p#titi(# littl# m#chanical p#opl#

that consum# 'or th# stat#! >ut -ou .octors mak# it s##m lik# that2s all

th#r# is! :om# o' us actuall- ha(# r#al souls!A

@$ kno% -ou2r# not a machin# :#th!A Wol'gang +ui#tl- sai.!@h#n %h- ar# talking about us lik# %#2r# all th# sam# lik# %#2r# all

som# 'ucking lab rats<A

@$ apologi3# :#th! $ .i.n2t m#an to! Non# o' us %ants to b# stuck in this

plac# an. it2s a hug# strain on us all!A

@Y#a %#ll $ .on2t think %#2r# all on th# sam# pag# #actl-!A

@W#ll not #actl- >ut %# are all p#opl# ar#n2t %#< W# all ha(# that incommon! W# all %ant lo(#! W# all hat# pain! You $ #sp#ciall- think -ou

ar# s#nsiti(# to su''#ring to s##ing oth#rs su''#r!A

@Wo%! You r#all- got m# %rong! $ .on2t gi(# a 'uck about p#opl#

su''#ring!A



@$ can2t b#li#(# that! ;o% .i. -ou r#act to )S11 <A

@;aA :#th snort#. slapping his thigh @$ r#all- .on2t think -ou %anna

kno% that!A @Wh- not< #ll m#! You .on2t ha(# too but $2. lik# to h#ar

it! $ think -ou must ha(# som# (#r- int#r#sting things to sa- about it! #llus pl#as#!A

:#th look#. up an. shook his h#a. @:hit! )S11 < k!A ;# 'oun. a brittl#

.#a. spi.#r in

th# .ust an. crumbl#. it in b#t%##n his 'ing#rs 'in# po%.#r- black

.#bris sprinkl#. to th# groun.! ;# %ip#. his han. on his shirt an. b#gan!

@W#ll $ r#m#mb#r $ %as li(ing in "/! $ %as out on bail 'or!!!%#ll 'or

br#aking th# la%! $ %ok# up tragically hung o(#r an. th# ans%#ringmachin# %as 'lashing! $ pr#ss#. th# button an. list#n#.! M- 'ri#n. %as

calling 'rom %ork! ;# tol. m# to turn on CNN! $ thought it might2(#

b##n a n#%s stor- on m# not that th#- %oul. but it %as a pr#tt- small

to%n an. $ %as %arp#.! $nst#a. $ sa% th# t%in to%#rs! h#- %#r#

pla-ing 'ootag# o' that plan# plunging into that 'irst to%#r! h# s#con.

on# ha.n2t b##n hit -#t! $ r#m#mb#r th# plum# o' 'i#r- smok# billo%ing

up into th# sk- to h#a(#n! /n. -ou kno% %hat * $ laugh#.A Wol'gang

rais#. his #-#bro%s in surpris#! $saac %as shock#.@What<A h# #claim#. cl#arl- o''#n.#.!

@$ laugh#.!A :#th calml- r#pli#. looking at $saac %ith a .#a. star# @7or

th# 'irst tim# sinc# $ .on2t r#m#mb#r %h#n! $t brought a smil# to m- lips!

$ call#. up m- 'ri#n. at %ork h# %as amus#.! /lr#a.- th# go(#rnm#nt

ha. claim#. it 'oun. a car in th# airport parking lot %ith instructions on

ho% to 'l- a plan# an. a pamphl#t on sama! his %as lik# not #(#n an

hour a't#r th# 'irst plan# crash#. ## $ %on.#r i' th# go(#rnm#nt plant#. that< Christ p#opl# ar# so 'ucking stupi.! $ tol. m- 'ri#n. i' $

%as .o%n th#r# $2. b# sitting in a la%n chair %ith on# o' thos# big T1

'oam han.s %ith sama2s nam# on it %a(ing it all aroun.! Man $ r#all-

.i.n2t think it %as gonna b# a big .#al! / coupl# hun.r#. p#opl# .i#. $

m#an -#a its tragic an. all but its not that big a .#al! $ m#an ho%



man- p#opl# .i#. just that -#ar 'rom t#rrorist attacks an. %ars< $n $sra#l

an. "al#stin#< $ gu#ss $ un.#r#stimat#. th# arroganc# o' this countr-!

=(#r- night #(#r-on# %atch#s th# n#%s

stu''ing th#ir 'ac#s .ig#sting th#ir 'oo. %atching (i.#o clips 'rom th#mi..l# #ast or %h#r#(#r o' p#opl# g#tting blo%n up t#ns o' thousan.s

star(ing to .#ath an. th#- .on2t gi(# a 7FCA :#th2s 'ac# contort#.

into a bitt#r grimac#! @h#- chang# th# chann#l an. sp#n. 'i't- c#nts to

(ot# 'or /m#rican $.ol %h#n thos# t%o +uart#rs coul. ha(# sa(#. a chil.

'rom star(ing to .#ath that very day $t2s so 'uck#. up! >ut $ r#m#mb#r

p#opl# got so ups#t %hat %#r# th#- thinking< ,ik# %h#n th#- %atch#.

th# n#%s ? %#ll sur# p#opl# ar# g#tting blo%n up all o(#r th# %orl. but

thos# ar# all bro%n p#opl# an. not /m#ricans! ,#t th#m tott#r aroun.%ith bloat#. b#lli#s an. g#t blo%n to smith#r##ns! ,#t th# moth#r2s

hol.ing .#a. in'ants %ail! ,#t th# 'ucking J#%s an. /rabs kill #ach

oth#r! h#- .on2t count! h but h#r# in /m#rica %h#r# o. lo(#s us so

much b#caus# %#2r# goo. an. sp#cial an. %hit# * %# can2t b# harm#.

W# can pr#tt- much 'uck o(#r %ho#(#r %# %ant *,atin /m#rica Cuba

"u#rto Eico th# mi..l# #ast an. %hat th# 'uck ar# th#- gonna .o about

it< >#si.#s ba. things onl- happ#n to oth#r p#opl# not us /m#ricans2

h# 'ucking /rroganc# $t2s lik# th# r#action -ou2. #p#ct :atan in th#

bibl# to ha(# ? ;o% .ar# som#thing ba. happ#n to m# * I’m GREAT 2

/n. th#n all th# commotion! $t %as lik# th#- #p#ct#. th# %hol# %orl.

to chang# b#caus# o' %hat happ#n#. to th#m! $t did chang# th# %hol#

%orl.! Can -ou imag# all th# hun.r#.s o' millions o' p#opl# in oth#r

countri#s that ha(# b##n .ail- li(ing %ith t#rrorist attacks an. %ar #(#n

%ith no on# r#all- gi(ing a shit * an. than /m#rica g#ts attack#. onc#

an. th# %hol# %orl.2s suppos# to mourn $t must2(# ma.# th#m '##l lik#

th#-2r# totall- insigni'icant Worthl#ss! Wh-< Caus# th#-2r# not

/m#ricans! h#-2r# not #(#n %hit#!A

W# %#r# all a bit stunn#. at this tira.#! $ 'or on# .i.n2t initiall- cr#.it

him %ith #nough

int#llig#nc# to 'orm such opinions or #p#ct him to #(#n car#! :asha

look#. con'us#. in a small (oic# sh# spok# up @$ .on2t kno%! $ %as



r#all- ups#t! /n. $2(# li(#. in $sra#l! $ kno% %hat -our sa-ing but!!!$

%oul.2(# b##n ups#t i' th# p#opl# kill#. %#r# black or ;ispanic or

%hat#(#r!A

:#th snort#. an. toss#. his h#a. his bloo.*shot #-#s an. girth ma.# himlook bullish! @Ma-b# -ou %oul.2(#! >ut most p#opl# %oul.n2t ha(#

gi(#n t%o 'ucks i' th# t%in to%#rs %#r# 'ill#. %ith blacks!A

@No< You .on2t think so<A Marc#l ask#.!

@;#ll no ,ist#n r#m#mb#r lik# a %##k or t%o a't#r th# attack that

plan# crash#. in +u##ns< $ m#an %# just ha. an attack using plan#s an.

a %##k lat#r anoth#r plan# crash#s in N#% York Cit-< >- acci.#nt<A

@$ .on2t r#m#mb#r that!A Wol'gang sai. th#n corr#ct#. hims#l' @h

that2s right that2s right! You2r# right! $ .o r#m#mb#r that! $t2s just!!!$

think th# countr- %as in so much turmoil! $ think %# %#r# all

traumati3#.!A

@Y#a %#ll p#opl# %#r# onl- traumati3#. in ratio to ho% arrogant an.

pri.#'ul an. 'ucking stupi. th#- %#r#! >ut a't#r that plan# crash#. th#-

bar#l- talk#. about it #(#n though .o3#ns o' p#opl# .i#. h# oth#r

plan#s!!!$ r#m#mb#r th#- %#r# constantl- 'lashing th# nam#s o' all th# p#opl# %ho ha. .i#. not just in NY but in "/ too! $ tol. this gu- $ sai.

man .on2t -ou think it2s strang# that th# n#%s hasn2t #(#n m#ntion#.

%ho th# (ictims %#r# in that plan# crash in Ru##ns< h#- talk#. about it

'or lik# t%o .a-s an. that %as it!2 ;# look#. at m# an. actuall- sai.

Y#a but that %as in Ru##ns an. probabl- most o' th# p#opl# that .i#.

%#r# Dominican! $ kno% it2s not politicall- corr#ct

but $ .on2t think p#opl# car# as much about th#m! "lus most o' th#m

%#r# probabl- poor!2 /n. -ou kno% %hat< ;#2s so 'ucking right $t2s!!!A:#th %as pacing up an. .o%n pumping his han.s shaking his h#a. at a

loss to #pr#ss th# rag# s%#lling in his br#ast! ;# l#t out an inarticulat#

gro%l th#n collaps#. on th# groun. impot#nt an. 'orlorn! h#ophan

%alk#. o(#r an. put a consoling han. on his shoul.#r! /'t#r a '#%

mom#nts pass#. Wol'gang sai. @:till :#th r#gar.l#ss o' th# rightn#ss



or %rongn#ss o' %hat -ou just sai. it still .o#s not #plain %h- upon

s##ing th# horri'ic carnag# o' )S11 -ou smil#.!A $saac no..#. an. ga(#

:#th a .isgust#. look!

@You kno%A :#th look#. up to Wol'gang @$ r#m#mb#r %orking at asup#rmark#t! /n. m# an. this gu- %#r# g#tting carts! W#ll on th# roa.

in 'ront o' us %# s## this cra3- car crash t%o cars just smash#. into on#

anoth#r! W#ll $ sa% it an. $ look#. a%a- an. %#nt back to %ork! h#

gu- $2m %orking %ith turns to m# an. sa-s J#sus hat2s a%'ul! :houl.

%# .o som#thing<2 ,ik# h#2s all conc#rn#.! W#ll p#opl# %#r# alr#a.- all

o(#r th# sc#n# #(#r-on# ha. c#ll phon#s out calling )11 an. $ sai. to

him Wh-<2 ;is #-#s popp#. out! Don2t -ou think it2s a%'ul<2 h#

ask#.! No2 $ sai. $ lik# car crash#s!2 >ut ma-b# som#bo.- got hurt2

h# sa-s to m#! $ tol. him $ lik# it %h#n p#opl# g#t hurt!2 7unn- thing

%as h# .i.n2t b#li#(# m# h# thought $ %as joking! >ut it %as th# truthA

W#rth 'or th# 'irst tim# laugh#.! $t %as a .##p chortl# .ripping %ith

corrupt oil- mirth! ;# %or# a %i.# .#ca.#nt smil# throughout :#th2s

stor- ! $t t#rri'i#. m# to look upon his %i3#n#. .#cr#pit bo.- %ith its

gargo-l# grin an. p#r(#rs# giggl#s! $t %as not a jo- born o' goo.n#ss

but o' impurit- !

7or th# n#t t%o or thr## hours :#th2s stor- cam# out %ith th# h#lp o'Wol'gang2s

pro..ing! $t %as int#r#sting b#caus# $ r#all- thought $ ha. nothing in

common %ith th# gu- but h# pr#tt- much %#nt through a similar

#ist#ntial cris#s! ,ik# m# at a -oung ag# th# horrors o' injustic# stung

.##p at his still t#n.#r h#art! $n th# li(ing room h#2. b# %atching th#

n#%s '#aturing chil.r#n star(ing to .#ath black bloat#. b#lli#s 'l-2s

cra%ling on .#a. stick- #-#balls th#n look to his par#nts la3il-

%atching H %ith gla3#. #-#s! h# 'irst tim# h# sa% such a thing h#gr#% so .isturb#. th# n#t .a- h# %#nt aroun. t#lling th# t#ach#r2s %hat

h# ha. s##n! $t shock#. him to l#arn #(#r- on# o' th#m alr#a.- kn#%! ;#

coul.n2t acc#pt th# 'act that most p#opl# ha(# 3#ro (alu# 'or human li'#

an. %ill gla.l- sp#n. mon#- that coul. sa(# a chil. li'# on a maga3in#

or book! ;# simpl- coul. not r#concil# th# 'act that th# p#opl# h# lo(#.



his moth#r %ith so s%##t a smil# his gran.pa %ho al%a-s brought him

a pr#s#nt %h#n h# (isit#. an. nic# Mrs! Dall- his math t#ach#r coul.

act in so callous a mann#r to%ar. th#ir '#llo%s! h# h-pocris- tor# his

h#art apart! h#n h# l#arn#. about pollution! ;# lo(#. animals cats an.

.ogs an. %oul. %atch th# natur# chann#ls #nthrall#. at th# colors th#sh##r .i(#rsit- o' this plan#t! h# rich gr##n '#cun.it- o' th# rain 'or#sts

l#'t him br#athl#ss! n# .a- h# sa% a sp#cial on ,#murs an. th#- soon

b#cam# his 'a(orit#! Fnabl# to contain hims#l' h# tol. his 'ath#r all

about th# program h# ha. s##n about th# .i''#r#nt kin.s o' ,#murs %ith

hug# haunt#. #-#s! n# ha. a stripp#. tail an. th#- hopp#. %h#n th#-

%#r# on th# groun. an. on# ha. a long long bon- 'ing#r that look#.

lik# it %as pointing at -ou an. h# us#. it to g#t bugs out o' tr##s an.

th#r# %#r# all kin.s som# %#r# r#. som# %#r# (#r- tin- an. at#grasshopp#rs! @You kno%A ;is 'ath#r tol. him @h#-2r# going #tinct!A

@What2s that<A ;# ask#.! @W#ll it m#ans th#-2r# .isapp#aring that th#-

%on2t b# aroun.

much long#r! h#r# ar# onl- a '#% sp#ci#s o' ,#mur l#'t som# sp#ci#s

ha(# alr#a.- .isapp#ar#.!A :#th2s #-#s got %i.# an. .ark @>ut th# H

sai. th#- li(#. h#r# 'or millions an. millions an. millions o' -#arsA @$

kno%A ;is 'ath#r sai. @it2s sa.! $t2s b#caus# th#ir hom# in th# rain'or#st

is .isapp#aring!A /s corn- as it soun.s upon s##ing a comm#rcial that-ou coul. purchas# a s+uar# acr# o' rain 'or#st 'or 10 .ollars %hich

%oul. th#n b# prot#ct#. 'rom bull.o3#rs :#th brought th# mon#- that

h# ha. gott#n 'rom his birth.a- to his 'ath#r so that h# might .onat# it!

;# '#lt so h# tol. us 'or th# 'irst an. th# last tim# a cl#an #pansi(#

purit- o' goo.n#ss in his .#cision an. look#. 'or%ar. to b#ing prais#.

b- his 'ath#r 'or such matur# s#l'l#ss g#n#rosit-! ;is 'ath#r an. moth#r

%#r# l-ing in b#. %atching H %h#n h# brought th# mon#- along %ith

th# a..r#ss h# ha. %ritt#n .o%n! ;# b#cam# .i33- an. a bit naus#ous%h#n his 'ath#r r#'us#. to tak# th# mon#-! @:p#n. it on -ours#l'A h#

sai.! ;is moth#r look#. at him lik# h# %as cra3-! :#th %ip#. his s%#at-

han. on his pants an. l#'t th# room! What ma.n#ss /s i' bu-ing som#

to- a $ Jo# or mo.#l car %#r# mor# important than sa(ing a sp#ci#s

'rom b#ing .#stro-#. 'or#(#r 7or#(#r! @7or#(#r!A hat %or.! $t haunt#.



him! ;o% coul. an animal %ho2. li(#. an. br#ath#. an. lo(#. an.

kill#. mat#. an. sl#pt 'or t#ns o' thousan.s o' -#ars in a m#r# li'#tim#

.isapp#ar an. NEVER s## th# sun or th# stars or %alk on this plan#t

again ever < ;o% coul. p#opl# l#t such atrocit- happ#n< Wh#n h# got

ol.#r an. th# rag# an. .#spair b#gan choking his torn soul h# %oul.%on.#r ho% can o. allo% such a thing to happ#n< >ut h# .i.n2t gi(#

up th# n#t %##k th# 'amil- .ro(# out to J#rs#- to (isit his

gran.par#nts! ;is gran.'ath#r %as th# kin.#st g#ntl#st man h# kn#%!

>ut #(#n h# %oul. not .onat# th# mon#- 'or him! @/n acr#< What2s that

gonna .o< >u-

-ours#l' on# o' thos# ninja turtl#s -ou %ant!A h# sai. %ith h#a(-

.isgust! @ >ut ran.paA :#th ask#. his h#art .-ing his soul straining@What2s a ninja turtl# gonna .o< $2ll pla- %ith it 'or a%hil# an. th#n g#t

boar.A @You #(#r h#ar o' charit- starts at hom#!2<A :#th ha. no r#pl-!

/ thick oo3# o' tar an. slim# b#gan to coat his skin #(#ntuall- o(#r th#

-#ars it co(#r#. him #ntir#l- pr#(#nting an- contact b#t%##n hims#l'

an. oth#rs! $njustic# ha. black#n#. his h#art! @>#si.#sA his gran.'ath#r

sai. @You kno% %hat th#ir gonna .o i' -ou s#n. th#m t#n .ollars< "ut it

right in th#ir pock#tA /ll his 'amil- ha. th# sam# h-st#rical horror %ith

r#gar.s to charit- as :#th .i. %h#n it cam# to s##ing chil.r#n star(# or

sp#ci#s mur.#r#.! @;o% .o -ou kno%A his gran.'ath#rs (oic# gr#as-

@that th#-2r# gonna .o %hat th#- sa- th#-2r# gonna .o<A ;is gran.'ath#r

l#an#. in clos# his -#llo% t##th #u.ing a '#ti. o.or! :#th %as .#'#at#.!

;# spok# an-%a-! W#akl- h# ans%#r#. @h#- sai. 80 c#nts on th#

.ollar %oul. b# sp#nt on th# rain'or#st! h#-2r# committ##s to mak#

sur#!!!A @Y#ssss!!!A ;is gran.pa grumbl#. @$ suppos# th#r# must b#!!!!A

h# subj#ct %as n#(#r brought up again! ;is %orl. ha. crumbl#.

alr#a.- in his min. apath- ha. %on it ha. s#ttl#. on his ra% h-st#rical

n#r(#s lik# a .amp blank#t so that h# ma- cop# %ith th# nightmarish%orl. h# 'oun. hims#l' in so that h# might still lo(# thos# that although

th#- c#rtainl- .i. no #(il %#r# cont#nt to l#t #(il .#stro- th# %orl.! $t is

not =(il but $n.i''#r#nc# %hich is th# opposit# o' oo.!



/s :#th tol. us all this W#rth b#cam# agitat#.! ;# strutt#. back an.

'orth mumbling #(#r- so o't#n h#2. stop an. int#rrupt :#th %ith a

+uot# banging his sta'' on th# groun.! ;is 'ac# 'lush#. r#. h# spit

%h#n h# talk#.! $ .o not r#call th#m all but $2(# look#. up a '#% o'

thos# phras#s an. pr#s#nt th#m h#r# 'or th# thought'ul r#a.#r ?

:ci#nc# ma- ha(# 'oun. a cur# 'or most #(ils9 but it has 'oun. no

r#m#.- 'or th# %orst o' th#m all ** th# apath- o' human b#ings! * ;#ll#r

#ll#r

What %oul. -ou think m# i' $ %#r# capabl# o' s#ating m-s#l' at a tabl#

an. gorging m-s#l' %ith 'oo. an. sa% about m# th# chil.r#n o' m-

'#llo% b#ings star(ing to .#ath! * =ug#n# H! D#bs

7or on# %ho is in.i''#r#nt li'# its#l' is a prison! /n- s#ns# o'

communit- is #t#rnal or #(#n %ors# non#ist#nt! hus in.i''#r#nc#

m#ans solitu.#! hos# %ho ar# in.i''#r#nt .o not s## oth#rs! h#- '##l

nothing 'or oth#rs an. ar# unconc#rn#. %ith %hat might happ#n to th#m!

h#- ar# surroun.#. b- a gr#at #mptin#ss! 7ill#. b- it in 'act! h#- ar#

.#(oi. o' all hop# as %#ll as imagination! $n oth#r %or.s .#(oi. o' an-

'utur#!

h# opposit# o' lo(# is not hat# its in.i''#r#nc#! h# opposit# o' art isnot uglin#ss its in.i''#r#nc#! h# opposit# o' 'aith is not h#r#s- its

in.i''#r#nc#! /n. th# opposit# o' li'# is not .#ath its in.i''#r#nc#

* =li# Wi#s#l

h# %a- W#rth simpl- .iscar.#. th#s# stat#m#nt compl#t#l- out o' an-

human cont#t b#tra-#. th# col. abstract %orl. h# li(#. in! h#- sur#l-

ma.# a point but n#ith#r h#lp#. to #plain :#th as a p#rson or ma.# an

att#mpt to bri.g# a 'ri#n.l- conn#ction %ith him! Ma-b# to W#rth p#opl# %#r# l#ss 'l#sh an. bloo. th#n r#pr#h#nsi(# i.#as!

/n- %a- to :#th p#opl# s##m#. l#ss human l#ss r#al a't#r that!

LWhich in 'act $ b#li#(# th#- ar#! /path- caus#s on# to 'a.# a%a- 'rom

this uni(#rs# that is %h- $ b#li#(# th# %orl. to b# #n.ing not b#caus# o'



%ars or global %arming but b#caus# th# lo(# an. auth#nticit- %hich %#

humans ha. in th# past to sustain this %orl. just as th# uni(#rs# %oul.

collaps# i' o. stopp#. %illing or lo(ing it 'or a s#con. is in short

suppl- th#s#

.a-s! M#n in th# past %#r# no kin.#r or l#ss %ar*lik# but 'rankl- mor#

r#al! his plan#t an. its p#opl# ha(# alr#a.- b#gun to %ilt! h#ophan

ha. som# int#r#sting things to sa- about it! >ut that2s lat#r! ,at#r as all

th# sci#nti'ic journals r#port#. catastrophic #(#nts on th# hori3on .u# to

global %arming an. onc# again p#opl# s##m#. unabl# to acti(#l-

conc#rn th#ms#l(#s %ith an-thing b#-on. th#ir o%n p#tt- pl#asur#s an.

com'orts :#th lost hop# in th# 'utur#! >ut %h#r#as $ turn#. m- .#spair

in%ar. h# loos#. his hat# onto th# %orl.! ;# tri#. to acc#pt things an.

p#opl# as th#- %#r# as .i. $ %h#n $ turn#. to >u..hism but coul. not!

:o i' th# %orl. pro(#. unacc#ptabl# an. a h#art as pur# as his coul. not

sur(i(# it h# %oul. corrupt that h#art! ;# sought to lo(# pollution to

ch#rish .#struction to appro(# o' cru#lt-! ;# .i. it b- r#asoning that

morals lik# b#n#'ic# an. sharing ar# simpl- #(olutionar- arti'acts that

onc# ai.#. sur(i(al but Man no% ha(ing surpass#. biological #(olution

ha(# b#com# m#aningl#ss! /n. #(#n i' @.oing %rongA ma.# him '##l

t#rribl# h# %oul. not b# controll#. b- consci#nc# but su''#r th#

cons#+u#nc#s o' tru# 'r##.om! o li(# in a soci#t- h#ll b#nt on its o%nspiritual an. ph-sical .#struction on# must b#com# insan#! "#opl#

.iminish#. into m#r# m#at pupp#ts! o :#th p#opl# %#r# l#ss human

than animals an. to sur(i(# on# must cannibali3# on#2s o%n soul! $n

plac# o' moralit- lik# ;#ming%a- obs#ss#. b- @li(ing %ith st-l#A h#

chos# to li(# b- an a#sth#tic co.#! /n. a#sth#ticall- th# .-namic

.#tonations th# bi3arr# sight o' plan#s colli.ing into buil.ings th# black

an. gra- plum#s o' smok# broiling in th# bloo. r#. sk- *onc# -ou

ignor#. th# human #l#m#nt %ith its pathos t#rror an. anguish to :#than. man- oth#rs ju.ging 'rom such similar (iol#nc# in 'ilm )S11 %as a

thing o' b#aut-! h# mass#s o' m#n 'in. mor# po#tr- in

#plosions than th#- .o in #nn-son!

Chapt#r =ight##n



/n. -#t h# %asn2t h#artl#ss! ;# sai. h# ha. to mo(# out o' th# cit-

b#caus# #(#r- tim# h# sa% a crippl#. hom#l#ss p#rson h# burst into

t#ars! :till a't#r that .iatrib# p#opl# tr#at#. him .i''#r#ntl-! :##ing :#th

loung# aroun. in.ol#ntl- scratching his b#ll- =ug#n# snapp#. @Christ

:#th! $' -our not gonna h#lp us out -ou coul. at l#ast sp#n. som# tim# pushing on# o' th# rocksA

:#th narro%#. his #-#s! @Wh- th# 'uck %oul. $ .o that< You think it2s

gonna .o som#thing<A

@/t l#ast -ou2. b# .oing som#thing! /n. -ou2. b# part o' som#thing

too!A

@Man i' %#2r# h#r# part o' som# #p#rim#nt #ith#r b- sci#ntists or b-go. hims#l' $2m not pla-ing th#ir gam#! 7uck that! Wh- shoul. $< $2m

not a sla(#! $2. rath#r b# stuck h#r# 'or#(#r than ackno%l#.g# th#ir

t%ist#. gam#! What< :houl. $ b# lik# Chuang * pushing th# sam# rock

%ith a 'ucking r#tar.#. grin on m- 'ac# thinking oh bo- to.a- coul.

b# th# .a- $ g#t to th# top2A

Chuang o(#rh#ar.! ;# %#nt up to :#th sol#mnl- an. sai. @$ .o not tr-

to g#t on top or out! ;#r# is goo.! $t is plac# %h#r# %# suppos# to b# *A

:#th snort#. @Y#a< ;o% .o -ou kno% %#2r# suppose to b# h#r#<A

Chuang %inc#. at his hostilit- h# smil#. %#akl- @>#caus# %# are h#r#!

>ut $ .o not push rock to g#t out to l#a(#! ;#r# is goo.! $ push rock to

b# happ-! 7or rock to b#

happ-! >#caus# it is goo. to push! $ .o not 'ight oa! $ l#t oa tak# m#! $

go with oa!A ;# look#. lik# h# %as about to sa- mor# but h# paus#.th#n smil#. an. bo%#.! Wh#n :#th sai. nothing Chuang l#'t!

@You kno% :#thA h#ophan sai. as h# han.#. him a 'ist*'ull o' mush

our noon*tim# r#spit# @h#r#2s so much %# .on2t un.#rstan.! What i'

all this is 'or th# goo. to str#ngth#n us spirituall-<A



@:o o. thro%s m# in a 'uck2n pit so $ can g#t strong2<A

@W# ar# cr#atur#s o' a p#r(#rs# s#l'*%ill an. it o't#n tak#s som#thing

impr#ssi(# to g#t our att#ntion to 'orc# us into r#consi.#ring our %a- o'

.oing things!A

@W#ll $ r#j#ct an- go. that us#2s su''#ring an. h#ll'ir# to burn th# sin

out o' p#opl#! =sp#ciall- %ithout th#ir cons#nt!A

@o. has a plan 'or -ou!A

@/ plan< His plan< $ %ill 'ashion m- o%n!A

@H#r- %#ll :#th! Woul. -ou .o m# a 'a(or though < Carl has s#t up all

th#s# proc#.ur#s! >ut $ %as thinking th#r# ar# 1& ston#s th#r# ar# 1& o'us %h- not tr- pushing th#m all at th# sam# tim#< $t2s logical -#s<A

@Man -ou .o %hat#(#r th# -ou lik# but $2m not int#r#st#. in

participating in som# insan# #p#rim#nt or purgator- or spiritual boot

camp! $2m a man not a rat not on# o' go.2s sla(ish sol.i#rs sucking his

prick an. it piss#s m# o'' that -ou2. #(#n ask m#! $2ll sa(# m- soul on

m- o%n t#rms! k<A

:#th %#nt to l#a(# but h#ophan sai. @Wait :#th $ c#rtainl- .i. notm#an to o''#n. -ou! $ r#sp#ct -our (i#%s but think o' all th#s# p#opl#

%ho %ant to go hom# %ith

chil.r#n an. lo(#. on#s! 7or th#m %oul. -ou .o it< "l#as#!A

:#th2s 'ac# .ark#n#.! ;# abruptl- turn#. an. b#gan %alking! h#n

stopp#. an. turn#. about! @$ am not th# t-p# to b# manipulat#. b-

s-mpath- or talk o' ki.s! You soun. lik# a ch#ap politician tr-ing to us#

m- humanit- against m#! $ thought that %as :atan2s most promin#ntcharact#ristic * manipulation! Don2t mak# m# '##l lik# a pi#c# o' shit just

b#caus# -ou2r# a pa%n an. $ r#'us# to pla-! ;#ll $ .on2t #(#n car# i'

-ou2r# a king or a knight .on2t 'uck %ith m#! Don2t!A :#th turn#. an.

%#nt s%allo%#. b- th# s%irling mists in .arkn#ss! $t %as ominous9



%h#n#(#r a p#rson l#'t that %as ho% -ou sa% th#m go into th# smok-

.#pths!!!

h# .a- a't#r h#ophan apologi3#. to :#th gain asking his 'orgi(#n#ss!

:#th tol. th# ol. pri#st that h# ha. banish#. a long tim# ago th#conc#pt o' 'orgi(#n#ss 'rom his min. along %ith right an. %rong! :till

h#ophan chi.#. him to join! >ut :#th stoo. strong! 7inall- h#ophan

burst out @What i' -ou ar# .ooming us to p#rman#nt #il#A @h#n $

also #il# m-s#l' to th# sam# 'at#!A :#th sa% a kin. o' balanc#. justic#

in this! @>ut to r#'us# is against -our o%n s#l'*int#r#stA h#ophan

p#rsist#.!

@hat2s right! hat2s th# r#ason $ .o it! $t2s th# onl- %a- $ can trul-

#pr#ss m- %ill * my will, not som# biological imp#rati(# or p##r pr#ssur# or moral .ictat# or soci#t-2s justic#!!!$t2s th# onl- %a- $ kno%

$2m 'r## that $2m not b#ing controll#.! hat2s %hat -ou .on2t

un.#rstan. a man is an in.i(i.ual %h#n h# stan.s up b- hims#l' an.

onl- in r#b#llion! $2m not a s#r(ant! $2m not o.2s sla(#! /n. $ .i.n2t

ask to b# h#r#!A

@$ kno% :#th non# o' us .i.! >ut li'#!!!,ist#n! :#th -ou must

un.#rstan. that this situation is .#man.ing som#thing o' -ou! Eight no%li'# is asking o' -ou a moral

+u#stion! Your ans%#r %ill #''#ct not onl- -ours#l' but all o' th#s#

p#opl# an. all o' th#s# p#opl#2s lo(#. on#s an. so on! =(#n th#

small#st o' .#cisions carr- t#rribl# cons#+u#nc#s! 7or th# sak# o' -our

o%n soul .o th# right thing!!!A

W#rth %as car#ssing a plump .#a. l##ch in his %ith#r#. cla%s sitting on

a boul.#r hunch#. o(#r list#ning @$t is not a matt#r o' moralit- but o'li(ing cr#ati(#l-! $t is %ithin th# imagination that %# b#com# most

human an. b- th# imagination that %# %ill b# sa(#.!!!-our moralit-

cr#at#s boun.ari#s buil.s prisons actual and m#taph-sical! W# ar#

chok#. b- limits >- static r#strictions! What i' this is som# cosmic

r#priman.< / spiritual p#nit#ntiar-< :o %hat W# can b# goo. chil.r#n



an. %ork o'' %hat ;#*%ho*is* in*control has .##m#. our sin'ul .##.s or

%# can br#ak out Not %ith bull*shit aton#m#nts but b- s##ing things

%ith th# min.s*#-# an. r#spon.ing cr#ati(#l- lik# th# artist %# can

create our %a- outA

/n. so it %#nt! h#ophan ha. tol. us all about his th#or-! $ m-s#l' %as

gr#atl- sk#ptical! o his anci#nt %a- o' thinking st##p#. in biblical

all#gori#s it ma.# p#r'#ct s#ns# * b- putting our p#rsonal pr#'#r#nc#s

b#hin. an. coming tog#th#r %# %oul. b# r#l#as#.! $t soun.#. to

simplistic! What %as th# point o' making sa- Chuang %ait 40 -#ars<

o %hat #n.< Carl thought it illogical an. sai. h#2. think about

organi3ing such a thing but %asn2t con(inc#.! Marc#l also consi.#r#.

th# i.#a absur. an. 'or that (#r- r#ason #nthusiasticall- #mbrac#. it!Wol'gang s##m#. pu33l#. at his attitu.# @>ut Marc#lA h# sai. @%#

must conc#ntrat# our #n#rgi#s on mor# concr#t# rational #planations i'

%# ar# to .isco(#r th# truth o' our situation!A @;aA Marc#l laugh#.

@No no! $ ha(# li(#. too long an. r#a. too much i#rk#gaar. to look

'or truth in rational

plac#s! >#si.#s thos# t-p#s o' #planations t#n. to b# too concr#t#!A

@Christ p#opl# ar#n2t abstractions! W# ar# concr#t# /n. su''#ringtoo!!!A =ug#n#2s spat a..ing @W# ar# concr#t#A

@Not #ntir#l- !!!A Marc#l sai. hal' apolog#ticall-!

=ug#n# roll#. his #-#s! @/n-%a-! h#ophan -ou .on2t think %#2ll b#

abl# to s%a- :#th huh<A h# pri#st shook his h#a.! @/t l#ast not 'or no%!

;# sa-2s h# .o#sn2t b#li#(# in moralit- but $ .on2t acc#pt that!A

@N#ith#r .o $A Wol'gang agr##. @$ think h#2s gro%n up in an insan#

%orl. an. so h# tri#. to mak# hims#l' insan#!A

h#ophan no..#.! @;# has moral2s #(#n i' h# has tri#. to r#plac# th#m

%ith oth#r mor# st-lish co.#s! $t is 'orgi(#n#ss %hich h# .o#s not

b#li#(# in!!!!A ;# l#t out a po%#r'ul sigh @$2ll tr- again in a coupl# o'

.a-s!A



@W#ll -ou gotta a.mir# him in on# r#sp#ct h#2s b#ing tru# to hims#l'!

/n. in a %a- h#2s 'ighting against this thing in his o%n %a-! :olitar-

prot#st !A

/gain it %as Marc#l to butt h#a.s %ith =ug#n# @Not at all >- notchoosing h#2s l#tting 7at# choos# for him! Not .oing is a choic# as %#ll!A

@/lso h# is b#ing tru# onl- to a (#r- small part o' hims#l'A h#ophan

prot#st#. @hat part 'ull o' '#ar an. ang#r! / trul- auth#ntic b#ing can

#ist onl- in communit-!A

h#- argu#. 'or a%hil# long#r! $ lost int#r#st an. %#nt to b#.!

nc# mor# must $ insist on li'ting th# prot#cting (#il that s#parat#s

author 'rom narrator to apprais# -ou o' %hat has happ#n#. to m#

tonight! $ just r#turn#. 'rom a!!!!l#t us sa- social #ngag#m#nt! $ tol. ho%

nightl- lon#lin#ss .o#s cl#a(# into m- h#art

spilling m- #ss#nc# on th# pristin# sh##ts that ha(# gro%n col. 'rom

lack o' mol.ing th#ms#l(#s to a %oman2s %arm 'orm! ' cours# $ .i.n2t

sa- it lik# that, $ us#. plain %or.s tru#r than th#s#! / %oman $ but

scarc#l- kno% a b#auti'ul -oung %oman %hos# 'ac# is al%a-s 'lush#.

%ith an appl#2s shin# %ith long thick l#gs in j#ans sultr- hal' shut #-#san #as- %arm an. la3- opiat# laugh bro%n bangs strait hair9 a't#r sh#

ha. h#ar. m# %ith a mouth larg# %ith lo(# hugg#. m#! h#n a mom#nt

too much pass#. 'or it to b# rightl- call#. a hug an. %# 'oun. ours#l(#s

hol.ing on# anoth#r h#r har. bo.- against min#!!!! $ notic# it b#caus# $

ha(# littl# contact in g#n#ral that an- corporalit- pr#ss#. against min#

r#min.s m# that $ too am r#al am 'l#sh an. can b# touch#. can

b#!!!h#n sh# h#l. m- shoul.#r an. kiss#. m#! "assionl#ss sh##ts a%ait

m- .r#ams! $ must sa- it r#min.#. m# o' th# tim# $ sp#nt %ith ,#na%h#n sh# Marc#l an. $ %#r# task#. to push about th# boul.#rs taking

m#asur#m#nts an. statistics! o. kno%s %h- Carl chos# us %# c#rtainl-

%#r#n2t th# strong#st! =(#r- morning $2. a%ak# %ith n#r(ous

#p#ctation * a .a- sp#nt %ith ,#na /t th# sam# tim# $ .r#a.#. it! $ am

abominabl- out o' shap#! h# rocks about thr## '##t in circum'#r#nc#



jobs %hil# not r#all- #p#cting an- signi'icant r#sults an. %ait#.! :#th

putt#r#. aroun.! ;# ripp#. his socks into strip#s t-ing th#m tog#th#r

an. l#ashing a l##ch .ragging it s+uirming b#hin. him %h#r#(#r h#

%#nt! ;# sp#nt a gr#at .#al o' tim# %ith

W#rth! ,#na an. $ at h#ophan2 r#+u#st %#nt o(#r to talk to him! Wh#n

%# arri(#. W#rth an. h#ophan %#r# arguing! :#th sat on th# groun.

s##mingl- lost in his o%n thoughts! @/n. %hat %oul. -ou l#arn<A

h#ophan %as asking W#rth! @$' $ kn#% %hat %as to b# l#arn#. $

%oul.n2t n##. to ask! Eath#r $ %ill ask -ou %hat %ill -ou l#arn i' %# .o

not mak# an att#mpt!A h#ophan sa% us an. sai. @;#llo :asha Jon! W#

%#r# just ha(ing a .iscussion! W#rth h#r# %oul. lik# to tr- a sPanc# o

contact spirits %ho h# b#li#(#s %ill r#(#al th# s#cr#t #it!A

@$ .o not kno% %hat th#- %ill sa-A W#rth cooll- r#spon.#. @$ ha(# no

#p#ctations! W# s##m to ha(# 'oun. ours#l(#s in a sup#rnatural

situation %h- not look 'or sup#rnatural m#ans o' #scap#<A

@>ut %hat i' #scap# is not th# point<A

@Nothing can b# lost th#n onl- gain#.!A

h#ophan shook his h#a. an. look#. at his sho#s!

@Wh- .on2t -ou %ant to .o it h#ophan<A ,#na ask#.!

@>#caus#A ;# implor#. @th# onl- spirits that can possibl- b# call#.

'orth %ill b# .#mons no gui.ing ang#l! =(#n i' %# .o g#t a r#spons# it

%ill b# a li#! ;a(# -ou #(#r r#a. th# sp##ch o' th# so*call#. spirits o' th#

.#a.! h#- claim to b# in anoth#r spiritual .im#nsion an. -#t th#- ar#

not capabl# o' spiritual %is.om $nst#a. th#- can spout onl- platitu.#s!

$t is not th# #n.2 .o not b# a'rai.2 th#- sa- #ncouraging spiritualin.ol#nc# %h#n r#all- our souls ar# in constant p#ril W# must %ork 'or

a goo. a't#rli'# as %# must %ork 'or all goo. things! ;o% is it th#s#

spirits can onl- t#ll us things %# alr#a.- kno%< /n. ha(# -ou notic#.

that %h#n th#- .#scrib# th# a't#rli'# it is paint#. %ith th# most



#arthl- o' hu#s< No h# .#a. ar# s#parat#. 'rom th# li(ing as %ith an

imp#n#trabl# (#il %hich cannot b# r#nt nor li't#.! $ t#ll -ou W#rth -ou

%ill call up .#mons an. h#ar onl- 'als#hoo.s!A

W#rth ma.# no comm#nt or mo(#m#nt!

@H#r- %#ll $ must go pra- $2ll s## -ou all lat#r! /n. W#rth pl#as# think

on %hat $ ha(# sai. goo.b-#!A With that h# l#'t th# 'our o' us!

,#na an. $ sat n#ar :#th %hil# W#rth l#an#. li3ar.*lik# on his boul.#r!

@$ .on2t kno% %hat .o -ou think<A ,#na ask#. m#!

@Fm $ .on2t kno%! $ m#an #(#n i' th#- %#r# %anton spirits $ .on2t s##

th# harm! $ m#an h#ll $2(# b##n li#. to b#'or#! $' %# .o actuall- .o it%# can just us# our common s#ns#! W# .on2t ha(# to automaticall- .o

%hat#(#r th#- t#ll us! Wh- %hat .o -ou think<A @Fm!!!Y#a $ agr##!!!it2s

just that!!!$' $ sa% som#thing lik# a ghost in this plac# %hich is alr#a.-

cr##p- as h#ll $ .on2t kno%!!!$2. 'r#ak outA :h# laugh#. n#r(ousl-!

@$' th#- .o itA :#th spok# up @You .on2t ha(# to participat# -ou can

sta- h#r# %ith m#! W# can just list#n!A

@k -#a! Y#a ma-b# $ %ill!A

Y#a right $ thought sh#2ll com# to you 'or prot#ction!

@:o man %h- %on2t -ou h#lp h#ophan out an. just roll th# stupi.

boul.#r just onc#<A $ ask#. :#th!

;# ga(# som# long abstract rambling r#pl-!

@$ just can2t b#li#(# -ou2r# not %illing to .o %hat#(#r to g#t out o' h#r#!

$ m#an .o -ou r#all- %ant to b# stuck h#r# 'or#(#r< With us<A

;# glanc#. at ,#na $ sa% th#ir #-#s lock 'or a mom#nt th#n br#ak a%a-!

;# shrugg#. his shoul.#rs! $ %#nt on @Your k %ith n#(#r s##ing gr##n

grass again< r a suns#t< Man i' %# .on2t g#t out o' h#r# this is gonna

b# it! %#l(# rocks! :pi.#rs! :om# l##ch#s! You2ll n#(#r ha(# corn b##'



or st#ak again! /n. $ .on2t kno% about -ou but th# monoton- is killing

m#! You can2t #(#r look 'or%ar. to an-thing! $t2s th# sam# to.a- as it

%as -#st#r.a-! omorro% %ill b# lik# to.a- n#t month th# sam# as this

month!!!A

@:o is that oth#r li'#! $t %as th# sam# th#r#! What is th#r# to look

'or%ar. to< / '#% amus#m#nts th# sam# thing mor# or l#ss #(#r-.a-!

You kno% at l#ast this plac# is stripp#. o' all th# .istractions an. bull

shit! ,i'# is .istill#. h#r#! You can r#all- s## things ho% th#- ar#!!!so

-#aA ;# look#. m# right in m- 'ac# @$ coul. li(# h#r# 'or#(#r!A

@>ut this plac# is so .#solat# h#r#2s no sun no %armth * a 'ak# 'ir# no

music!A ,#na sai.!

@You ar# %rong! his plac# is 'ull o' magicA W#rth croak#. @i' -ou

ha(# a .#s#rt insi.# o' -ou th#n all plac#s %ill b# barr#n it is up to th#

in.i(i.ual to g#n#rat# his or h#r o%n gr##n#r-! /n. insi.# #ach o' us %#

carr- our o%n 'ir#! his plac# 'orc#s on# to go in%ar.! With littl# stimuli

to '#ast upon th# min. looks in%ar. 'or nourishm#nt! W# must construct

%ings 'rom imagination! his #ntir# plan#t is a barr#n .#s#rt! =scap#

,#a(# this rotting 'l#sh tak# %ing 7uck r#alit- .o not l#t th#

#n(ironm#nt imprison -ou * mak# -our o%n! Do not b# satis'i#. %ith%hat natur# has accomplish#. * cr#at# yourself A ;is cr#ak- (oic#

+uak#. %ith passion! ;# star#. blin.l- up han. hal' rais#. as h#

#p#ct#. to tak# o'' right th#r# rock#t to th# moon!

Marc#l app#ar#.! @;#llo W#rth :#th! Jon an. ,#na Carl %ants us to tr-

pushing t%o boul.#rs touching on# anoth#r to s## %hat happ#ns!A

,#na ignor#. him h#r #-#2s %#r# pl#a.ing %#t an. longing 'or

com'ort 'or justi'ication @>ut nothing2s r#al h#r#A@$t2s th# p#opl# %ho ar#n2t r#al h#r#!A :#th grumbl#.!

@h#n cr#at# -our o%n r#alit-A W#rth hiss#.!



Marc#l look#. aroun. at our 'ac#s @C2mon gu-s! Carl %ants it .on# b-

tonight %# ha(# to tr- it %ith .i''#r#nt pairs o' rocks! :#th W#rth W#2ll

s## -ou lat#r!A W# took our l#a(#! @h bo- %hat .i. $ just %alk into

back th#r#<A Marc#l ask#.! $ 'ill#. him in!

@/h :#th %ill com# aroun.! ;#2s probabl- t#rribl- 'right#n#.! ;is ang#r

an. stubbornn#ss it prot#cts him 'rom th# '#ar an. panic h# must b#

'##ling! i(# him tim#! /s to th# r#stA h# paus#. an. took a .##p br#ath

as %# %alk#. @$ must sa- $ 'in. it (#r- int#r#sting! 7or %hat it2s %orth $

.o b#li#(# th#r# ar# l#(#ls2 o' r#alit-! $t is lo(# that mak#s things r#al!

h#ophan o't#n t#lls m# un.#r all th#s# app#aranc#s b#hin. all %orl.l-

ph#nom#na li#s o.s lo(#! nl- a p#rson %ho is lo(#. %ho lo(#s can

b# consi.#r#. 'ull- human! $n 'act $ agr## %ith :#th on on# point th#

'act that th# a(#rag# p#rson2s capacit- to lo(# has in r#c#nt tim#s b##n

gr#atl- .iminish#.! /s a cons#+u#nc# th#- ar# l#ss r#al2! h# man o'

-#st#r.a- %as not l#ss #(il or mor# goo. but not so a%'ull- isolat#.

an. ali#nat#. as th# mo.#rn man is h# ha. gr#at#r auth#nticit-! /ctuall-

that is ho% $ imagin# this %orl. #n.ing! Not b- %ar or pollution as

.#(astating as thos# things ar# but as lo(# gra.uall- %an#s Man %ill

b#com# spirituall- #n'##bl#. ci(ili3ation %ill b# .rain#. o' its r#alit-

an. this littl# plan#t %ill simpl-!!!!'a.# a%a-!A

@You r#all- think so<A $ ask#.!

@$t has b#gun alr#a.- h#ophan plac#s th# b#ginning o' th# #n. %ith

th# assassination o' th# last Christian rul#r o' Eussia C3ar Nicholas th#

s#con. %h#n th# communists took o(#r! $ s## it a littl# b#'or# that * in

7ranc#! h# mom#nt %# l#gali3#. mur.#r sanction#. it 'or political

purpos#s #n.ors#. corrupt m#ans 'or a nobl# #n. not r#ali3ing th#

m#ans ar# th# (#r- soul o' an #n.#a(or o' a p#opl#9 -#s %h#n that

guillotin# bit into th# n#ck o' a ing an. th# p#opl# .#man.#. control*o(#r th#ms#l(#s o(#r "ro(i.#nc# o(#r o.2s %ill its#l' in 1G8) it %as

not ,ouis B$H2s h#a. th#- s#(#r#. not a man %ho is insigni'icant

an-%a- no * th#- ha. cut o'' th# h#a. o' a "rincipal! 7rom th#n on it

%as :#l'*%ill not o.2s %ill :#l'*c#nt#r#. inst#a. o' o. c#nt#r#.

r#ason an. not lo(# po%#r no long#r justic#! >- #n.orsing th# .#ath



p#nalt- th# :tat# rais#. h#rs#l' to o.2s l#(#l an. put ;im .o%n lo%

so that to.a- o. is b#com# lik# onto a la% a la%*gi(#r passing

s#nt#nc#s #nacting punishm#nts9 in short %# ha(# ma. ;im into a

ju.g# an. ha(# gi(#n th# ju.g# th# po%#r o' a go.!A

Marc#l talk#. 'or som# tim# on th# subj#ct! h# 'unn- thing $ thought

%as that p#opl# lo(# ju.g#s! ,i'# is para.oal %ith in'init# sha.#s o'

gra-! Ju.g#s color in thos# 'ogg- spots %ith soli. blacks an. %hit#s!

/n. h#r# %# %#r# Marc#l inclu.#. submitting to Carl2s authorit-

%hich h# .i.n2t #(#n ha(# until %# ga(# it to him! 7or %hat< hings

%#r# simpl# h#r# %# ga(# ours#l(#s into th# car# o' Carl b#caus# %#

%#r# paral-3#. an. b#caus# h# ha. a hamm#r!

h# n#t '#% night2s all an-on# talk#. about %as th# sPanc#! Carl %as(iol#ntl- against th# i.#a h# sai. it b#tra-#. th# 'aith %# ha. in his plan

an. so .#morali3#. us!

$saac si.#. %ith him! h#ophan o' cours# #haust#. hims#l' in

p#rsua.ing us to aban.on th# i.#a @You ar# g#tting .#sp#rat#A h# sai.!

@hat is %h- -ou ar# %illing to tr- such a 'oolish thingA No on# %as

arguing %ith him! W# tri#. to #plain it to Chuang but $ .on2t think h#

'ull- un.#rstoo.! ;# k#pt asking i' %# %#r# calling upon our anc#stors'or gui.anc#! /ctuall- that is #actl- %hat %# %#r# planning to .o! ,#na

consi.#r#. th# %hol# busin#ss bi3arr# but sai. sh# %asn2t n#c#ssaril-

oppos#.! Wol'gang n#utral as usual tol. us h# %oul. not participat#

but %oul. lik# to b# pr#s#nt! W#rth con(inc#. =ug#n# an. Marc#l b-

t#lling th#m that #(#n it %as all a croc at l#ast it pro(i.#. a cr#ati(#

r#spons# to our situation!

:o %# ma.# it happ#n! /t W#rth2s instructions %# %ait#. until night!

W# push#. tog#th#r all th# boul.#rs sa(# th# on# Carl an. $saac %#r#%orking on making a kin. o' tabl# o(#r %hich %# thr#% a sh##t part o'

th# t#nt %# ma.# out o' join#. l##ch skins %hich r##k#. som#thing

a%'ul at 'irst b#'or# %# got us#. to it! h# mist thick#n#. to a sha.o%-

ha3# %ith a curr#nt o' light gra- lumin#sc#nc# car#ssing th# smok-

blackn#ss! W# coul. barl#- .isc#rn #ach oth#r in th# .ark! Carl $saac



an. Wol'gang stoo. clos# b- %hil# th# r#st o' us kn##l#. aroun. th#

mak#shi't tabl#! n m- right ,#na Marc#l to m- l#'t an. :#th on th#

oth#r si.# o' ,#na %ho k#pt glancing at m# %ith looks o' alt#rnating

.r#a. an. panic! $ notic#. Marc#l k#pt grin.ing his ja% an. a lo%

gro%ling soun. almost inau.ibl# rumbl#. 'rom =ug#n#2s throat! W#%ait#. 'or W#rth %ho sai. h# ha. to @pr#par#A hims#l'! h#ophan %as

o'' som#%h#r# pra-ing pr#sumabl- 'or our souls in a..ition to our

sa'#t-! $ star#. strait ah#a. %atching th# .i''#r#nt hu#. smok# curl

aroun. #ach oth#r! W#rth ha. instruct#. us that %h#n h# arri(#. %#

%#r# all to b# absolut#l-

still an. sil#nt! ;# sai. h# ha. to @'ashion #nchantm#nt2s in th# 'air-2s

tongu#A sinc# spirits onl- r#spon.#. to c#rtain sp#ci'ic rh-thms o'

sp##ch! $ coul.n2t k##p m- l#g 'rom shaking! $ look#. o(#r to ,#na! :h#

ha. sunk into h#rs#l' arms %rapp#. about h#r p#tit# torso as i' artic

%in.s chill#. h#r skin! 7inall- %ith pain'ul tin- st#ps W#rth his bo.-

b#nt %ith ag# shu''l#. 'rom out th# s%irling (apors! ;# .i. not sit but

r#main#. stan.ing! /ll #-#s on him! ;# rais#. his arms as i' to con.uct

a s-mphon- th#n his 'ing#rs as i' massaging th# air or pla-ing in(isibl#

piano k#-s b#gan to t%itt#r! ;# mumbl#. som# phras# scarc#l- au.ibl#

o(#r an. o(#r! $t must b# m- imagination $ thought but th# 'og s##m#.

to cong#al into thick .ark clou.s abo(# our tabl#! ;is han.s pla-#.'ast#r th# clou.s %hirl#. slo%l- g-rating in plum#s churning clock*

%is#! 7rom th# c#nt#r a lumin#sc#nc#! $t b#cam# bright#r an. bright#r

th# light shon# on our 'ac#s thro%ing .##p sha.o%s that cut black

cr#(ic#s in our haunt#. #pr#ssions! ,#na l#t out a littl# pip but $ .i.n2t

look a%a- 'rom %hat %as gath#ring in 'ront o' us! h# air tor# aroun.

us roaring in a torr#nt! No% th# #ntir# smok- mass glo%#. as a slo%

turning torna.o 'orm#.! h# light chang#. 'rom %hit# to blu# 'a.ing

into gr##n th#n r#. as it chang#. $ %atch#. it pla- upon W#rth2s 'ac#%hich h# turn#. up%ar. to bath in th# ra.ianc# his %or.s b#cam#

lou.#r 'inall- h# %as shouting! h#n * th# air %as still th# mass s##m#.

to soli.i'- into a .ark chr-salis a crack split it .o%n th# mi..l# %h#r#

an int#ns# %hit# light bla3#. an. blin.#. us $ %inc#. an. shut m- #-#s!

Wh#n $ op#n#. th#m * it %as h#r ? th# gr##n %oman o' m- .r#am nak#.



#bon- #-#s smol.#ring black hair casca.ing o(#r h#r shoul.#rs! M-

h#a. '#lt light $ coul.n2t '##l m- bo.- or m- han.s! M- ja% %as

shaking (iol#ntl- an. $ clamp#. it shut! $ '#lt lik# cr-ing or running!

$t %as too 'antastic! $ .i.n2t %ant to s## this! $ '#lt sick m- stomacht%ist#. pain'ull-! >right 'lam#s lick#. at h#r shins! >#hin. h#r .arkn#ss!

W#rth2s %hisp#r- (oic# crack#. into th# night ?

W#rth? hou ,ight#r spot in h#a(#ns .omain shot hrough b- 'ir#2s

bla3ing r#. %hit# 'lam# hot

o m# .o sp#ak %ith strait#n#. tongu# th# truth unc#rtain is our lot !

:pirit ? o -ou $ sa- ? tak# not# comman. m# not 7or mortal min.s .o

'org#t to list#n

much! :till th- throat2s gurgl# an. $ b#gin ? Was $ %ho .i. to h#r# -ou

put b#caus#

' tal#nts in sp#cial .#gr## thou ha(#!

7or instanc# #ach is uni+u# to kno% %hat hing mo(#s an. moti(at#s

th# impuls# tru# $n s#cr#t un.#r 'ac# 'als# a''i*#.!

hus /rt to l#a. along th- soul -ou kno% Wh#r# most stumbl# blin.l-

about kno% not Wh#nc# %h#r#*'or or %h- th#- %alk th- rout#! >ut #ach

h#r# min.'ul ing#nious o' :#l' * /%ar# o' #(#r- r#ason2. br#ath th#-

tak#

W#rth ?

:pirit ?

W#rth ?

:pirit ?

W#rth ?

:o kno% th#ms#l(#s b#tt#r than all th# r#st!



/n. kno% can $ th# i.#ntit- nam#

o call -ou b- %oman gr##n an. bright<

M- call ma- not to accurat# .isco(#r Your #ars too 'ull o' tar #ntitl#

Ru##n ' 'airi#s m# b- an. bo% b#'or# long

M- +u##n $ bo% an. sho% r#sp#ct .u# gr#at /n. honor -ou %ith ro-al

sp##ch b#'its

/s gr#at a might- p#rsonag# as th##!

;o% kno% -ou %hat to maj#st- is right< Min# :#ns#s sharp is abo(#

human blight

7orgi(# 7org#t o''#ns# o' min# to th##

$ no% %ill +ui#t instruction 'air gi(# #ars! What %oul. thou .o#st m#<

la.- sp#ak /n. $ %ill h#ar!

h#n #.ucat# -our s#l' to m-st#r- bar#

:pirit ?

W#rth ?

/n. not to %orr- p#rsonal in car#

>ut gr#at#r goo. 'or all in s#r(ic# min# ob#- an. shall -ou 'in. a p#ac#

in tim#

h#n -#s m- ans%#r b# 'or th## an. -#s m- 'ri#n.s 'or -ou as %#ll! /n.

#ls# to act ' m# .o t#ll an. +uick as 'lash in ski#s ' .ark .o bright $

so s#r(# %ish#s t%ic# h# rat#!

$n %aiting %ork b- sta-ing 'it in brain

/n. %it! Do .#spair lightl- com# $ +uick! h# ston#s th## t#n.#r lo(# as

li'# -our o%n Do th#m no harm or %ill $ kno%! No% gon# o $ th#s#

bats .o bit# m# a%a- sick



ill h#alth an. (igor strong $ gro% mor# r#al /n. g#nuin# in substanc#!

h#n (isit

o insp#ct $ th- %orthin#ss in #-#s

o' cl#ar#r (ision r#a.-! ill th#n s#n.

$ h#.g#hog uns##n to span. gui.# th##!

>ut sta- $ still ha(# in+uir- :h# 'a.#s

:pirit ?

W#rth ?

/n. is lost!

hus th# (ision (anish#.! /s sh# spok# %ing#. bats but %ith o..l-

humanoi. bo.i#s s%#pt about h#r lan.ing on h#r shoul.#rs h#r bo.-

cra%ling through h#r hair! With r#. glinting #-#s th#- bit o'' small

mors#ls 'rom h#r th#n %oul. 'l- a%a-! :h# .i. not bl##. but bit b- bit

.isapp#ar#. b#'or# our #-#s! N#ith#r .i. sh# s##m to b# in pain but

spok# in a st#a.- m#lli'luous 'lo%! =(#ntuall- sh# m#lt#. a%a-! h#

%in. .i#. .o%n! W#th2s %#ir. :omnilo+u- +ui#t#.! ;# slump#. .o%non th# groun. l#gs spla-#. out! :il#nc# cut through th# air! No #-#s m#t!

n# b- on# %# ros# slo%l- an. shu''l#. o''!

Chapt#r Nin#t##n

$ a%ok# th# n#t .a- '##ling o..l- numb an. a bit o''! $ %on.#r#. i' last

night %#r# a .r#am! $ .#ci.#. to %ait until som#on# #ls# brought it up

or #ls# $2. soun. cra3-! >ut no on# .i.! Morning cam# an. %#nt our

mi.*.a- 'i#sta b- #(#ning $ b#gan to g#t paranoi.! ;a. $ b##n bit again<$ ch#ck#. m- bo.- as b#st $ coul. but b#ing .isgustingl- rotun. $

coul.n2t ch#ck #(#r-%h#r#! Ma-b# $ %as loosing m- min. %hich %as

lik#l-! No on# talk#. that .a-! Marc#l ,#na an. $ push#. th# rocks in

sull#n sil#nc# a(oi.ing #-# contact! /t on# point $ caught ,#na2a #-#

th#- %#r# %#t an. h#r lo%#r lip %as tr#mbling * @,#na< /r# -ou*A sh#



tor# o'' sobbing h#r han.s cupp#. to h#r 'ac#! h# mist clos#. b#hin.

h#r sha.o%#. (isag#! Marc#l %oul.n2t #(#n look at m# his 'ac# look#.

.ra%n ag#.! ;is ch##ks %#r# hollo% his shin unh#alth-! Wh#n lat#r $

sa% Carl

h# ha. larg# black rings un.#r his #-#s an. mutt#r#. to hims#l' #(#r-

onc# in a%hil# chortling! $saac 'ollo%#. at his h##ls t%isting his n#ck to

look about rubbing his shoul.#rs as i' h# ha. th# chills an.

compulsi(#l- %iping his han.s on his pants! =ug#n# sho%#. up a littl#

stoop#. his #-#s s#t .##p th# har. glint gon#! =(#r-on# mo(#. in slo%

motion h-pnoti3#.! Chuang r#'us#. to sp#ak or join us! ;# just push#.

his boul.#r but no% th# smil# h# %or# s##m#. crook#. a smirk most

+u##r! Wol'gang %alk#. aroun. th# p#rim#t#r h#a. hung .##p in

thought arms 'ol.#. an. stroking his p#r'#ct %hit# oat##! h#ophan

s##m#. agitat#. on al#rt h# k#pt shaking h# h#a. th#n raising his #-#s

sk-%ar.! :#th an. W#rth %#r# no%h#r# to b# s##n #c#pt at mi..a-

%h#n W#rth shambl#. on sc#n# an. han.#. out th# l##ch#s an. th#n

l#'t! h# #ntir# .a- pass#. %ithout an-on# #changing a %or.! ,at#r as

night '#ll just as $ .ri't#. o'' to sl##p $ coul. o' s%orn $ h#ar. %hisp#rs

in th# still hanging 'og!!!

%o mor# .a-s pass#. similarl-! ,#na aban.on#. th# %ork sh# Marc#l

an. $ ha. b##n assign#. sta-ing 'or som# r#ason %ith :#th an. W#rth!

h#n Wol'gang call#. a m##ting! ;# sai. %# ha. to talk about %hat ha.

happ#n#.! W#ll som#thing must2(# happ#n#. $ thought so $ %asn2t

#ntir#l- nuts! n th# thir. night %# all gath#r#. aroun. th# 'ir#

#c#pting as al%a-s Mahāk āś-apa %ho as 'ar as $ kn#% %as

obli(ious to all that ha. gon# on!

Wol'gang a..r#ss#. us! @:o! $ think %# #p#ri#nc#. som# (#r- strang#

an. to som# o' -ou .isturbing things th# oth#r night! $t %oul. h#lp us

all i' %# %#r# to proc#ss %hat happ#n#. k< Who %oul. lik# to b#gin<A

No on# spok# up! @,#ts start %ith %hat #actl- occurr#.! Can som#on#

t#ll m# %hat th#- sa%< $saac<A $saac k#pt his #-#s .o%n!



;# #chang#. a %orri#. glanc# %ith Carl! @W#ll th# thing is $ .on2t

%ant to b# th# 'irst p#rson!A

@$2ll sa- %hat happ#n#. 'or cr-ing out lou.A =ug#n# spok# up @W# sa%

a spirit! W# all sa% h#r! / gr##n %oman nak#.!A

@Do#s #(#r-on# agr##<A Wol'gang ask#.! @Do#s an-on# .isagr##<A

@Wh- .on2t %# ask W#rth %hat th# h#ll happ#n#.<A Marc#l2s (oic#

cam# .ri'ting out o' th# h#a(- 'og! $t %as ##ri# th# atmosph#r# b#ing

thick p#opl# %#r# all a sha.o% it %as a roun.tabl# o' (oic#s that spok#

in o..l- mut#. (oic#s! @:o ask him!A Wol'gang sai.! @7in# W#rth

-ou2r# th# on# %ho call#. up that !!!thing! What %as it! Was it a trick<A

W#rth took his tim# in ans%#ring! @$ ha(# not much to sa-! o m##(#r-thing is a m-st#r-! $ simpl- #mpti#. m- min. an. call#. 'orth an-

spirits %ho %oul. sp#ak to us! h# r#st * -ou kno% as much as $!A

Carl spok# @Doctor Wol'gang -ou sa% this thing ho% .o -ou #plain

this ph#nom#na<A

@$ %oul. sa- it %as a mass hallucination! /ll o' us ha(# b##n imbibing

strang# 'oo. %# ar# #haust#. an. scar#. .#sp#rat# too an. this kin.

o' thing is (#r- %#ll .ocum#nt#. in sci#nti'ic lit#ratur#! 't#n it occurs%ith a r#ligious s-mbol! 7or instanc# a group o' p#opl# %ill all s%#ar to

ha(# s##n th# Hirgin Mar- in a clou. or a pi#c# o' toast! $t has b##n

pro(#n that %h#n in supr#m# .#pri(ation th# min. %ill s## imag#s an.

gi(# m#aning to things that obj#cti(#l- ha(# non#!A

@"l#as#A h#ophan burst @simpl- to .#scrib# a ph#nom#na .o#s not

#plain it $t %as a spirit * an. no ang#l ;o% .o %# that sh# is tru#<

/n. not just a trick 'rom th# .#(il<A

@#ntl#manA Carl #plo.#. @i' %# put b#li#' into illusion %# %ill b#

.oom W# must acc#pt it is mass hallucination! nl- littl# chil.r#n put

hop#s in 'air- tal#s %# must conc#ntrat# in r#al %orkA



@>ut th#r#2s som#thing -ou all .on2t kno%! / '#% .a-s ago W#rth

approach#. m# an. ask#. m# i' $ kn#% an-thing about th# gr##n 'air-

+u##n!A Marc#l sai.! h# sil#nc# ach#.!

@You .i. W#rth< h#n -ou kn#% som#thing about it .i.n2t -ou<A $saacgot all #cit#.! @$ .i. not kno% a thing! $ ha(# b##n ha(ing .r#ams

som#tim#s %hil# a%ak# o' a gr##n %oman an. a littl# girl! :om# (oic#

in(ariabl# i.#nti'i#s th# %oman as th# 'air- +u##n! h# r#ason $ ask#.

Marc#l about it is b#caus# Jon tol. m# h#2. b##n ha(ing similar .r#ams

an. (isions!A

$ '#lt all #-#s burning into m# @W#ll not (isionsA $ #plain#. s#l'

conscious an. on th# .#'#ns# @$ ha. a .r#am!!!an. %h#n $ %as .#lirious

'rom th# spi.#r bit# $ h#ar. a (oic#! $t %as scr#aming som#thing aboutth# 'air- +u##n! >ut $ ha. no i.#a sh# %as going to app#ar /n. W#rth

.i.n2t t#ll m# that h# ha. ha. th# sam# .r#am!A

@What %as th# .r#am<A Wol'gang ask#.! $ tol. him l#a(ing out 'or

.#corum2s sak# th# part %h#r# ,#na ma.# out %ith th# gr##n %oman!

@What .o#s .r#am m#an .octor<A Carl aniousl- ask#.!

@W#ll i' th#-2r# t#lling th# truth *A

@What< $'< Wh- %oul. $ li#< ' cours# $2m t#lling th# truth!A $ sai.!

@You cl#arl- b#li#(# %hat -ou ar# sa-ingA Wol'gang (oic# supr#m#l-

compos#. @$ am simpl- +uali'-ing m- ans%#r! $ am tr-ing to b# as

obj#cti(# as possibl#! /n. $ must sa-

m#aning is subj#cti(#! What happ#n#. last night $2m sur# m#ans

som#thing .i''#r#nt to #(#r-bo.- an. %# n##. to talk about that! h#

'act that W#rth an. Jon ha. th# sam# .r#am is not so uncommon! $t is

%hat %# call s-nchronicit-2!A

@/ch hat #plains nothing Nothing!!!A h#ophan cross#. his arms an.

hu''#. into his b#ar.!



@k! W# kno% %hat -ou think %hat2s #(#r-on# #ls# think<A

Carl rais#. his monstrous cranium an. scrunch#. up his 'ac# @$t2s

ob(ious a mass hallucination W# must b# s#rious an-on# %ho b#li#'s in

nons#ns# is hurting this caus#! :acri'ic# 'or no% %# %ill br#ak rocksoon or lat#r! Wait %ait an. %ork!A

@/n. -ou $saac<A

@M#< W#ll $ .on2t kno% .o $< You sai. it %as a hallucination You2r#

th# .octor -ou kno% b#st!!!What .o $ kno%<A

,#na .#murr#. an. Chuang shrugg#. his shoul.#rs! :#th thought it a

trick a hologram! ;# lik# m# consi.#r#. it all a h#artl#ss #p#rim#nt!

@No on# car#s %hat -ou think :#thA $saac shout#. at him!

@You %on2t #(#n h#lp -our '#llo% mans You can not b# trust!A Carl

join#. in!

W#rth abruptl- ros# an. b#gan to l#a(# mumbling som#thing about a

%itch hunt!

@;ol. onA Wol'gang h#l. him b- th# shoul.#rs an. s#at#. him t#llinghim to pl#as# sta-! :#th ros# up an. h#l. Carl2s ga3#! $n a lo% monoton#

'ull o' m#nacing calm :#th articulat#. @$ .on2t car# i' -ou got a

hamm#r! $2ll crack -our 'ucking skull in an. rip out -our 'ucking #-#s!

$2ll 'uck -our #-# sock#t an. com# on -our brain i' -ou .on2t stop that

shit A

@:top this at onc#A h#ophan thun.#r#.! @:#th sit :it .o%nA

:#th slo%l- r#sum#. his position k##ping a st#a.- #-# on Carl!

@W# ar# all in th# sam# boat! ,#t us calm .o%n! W# ar# all on th# sam#

si.#!A

@;# is not on si.# o' humanit-!A Carl spat!



@Carl pl#as#A Wol'gang sai.!

@You2r# right CarlA :#th sai. .ripping st#a.- bil# @$2m not on th# si.#

o' humanit-! M#n ar# 'ucking .isgusting! You2r# .isgusting! You %anna

kno% %hat $ .i. 'or a li(ing< $ us#. to s#ll r#tar.s! Y#a 'or t%o gran.$2. sn#ak a r#tar. out o' an institution an. s#ll him!A

@M- o.A Carl gasp#. @You ar# not human b#ingA

@>ut %hat %oul. on# %ant a m#ntall- chall#ng#. in.i(i.ual 'or<A

Wol'gang g#ntl- ask#.!

@h h#ll th#r#2s all sorts o' things -ou can .o %ith #m! You can ha(#

s# %ith #m put out cigar#tt#s on #m p#opl# us#. th#m as sla(#s 'or

%ashing .ish#s cl#aning th# hous#! $ sol. #m to .rug .#al#rs mostl-!

h#- coul. ti# #m up b#hin. a %all %ith a hol# in it an. 'orc# th#m to

gi(# out crack an. tak# th# mon#-! Cops %oul. 'in. #m star(#. to

.#ath still ti#. up! :om#tim#s th# .#al#rs 'orgot to '##. th#m!A

@hat2s!!!-ou!!!-ou2r# a monst#r / bloo.- monst#rA $saac %as

tr#mbling 'ists cl#nch#.!

@$ r#m#mb#r this on# tim#A :#th continu#. nonchalantl- @$ kn#% a

coupl# that %ant#. to bu- a bab-! :o $ tol. #m $ %ork#. at a hospital

an. 'or th#m to %ait %ith a 'ri#n. o' min# in a bar until a ki. %as

.#li(#r#. an. th#n $2. bring it o(#r! hing %as that %as all

a li#! $nst#a. $ got m-s#l' a '#tus 'rom a bio lab! $t %as pr#tt- %#ll

'orm#.! $ r#m#mb#r it ha. a larg# r#. scar going .o%n its bo.-! /n-%a-

it %as %int#r so $ %rapp#. it up in a bunch o' blank#ts to hi.# it! $ also

put som# mak# up on it so it2. look r#al an. th#n $ popp#. it in th# o(#n

to %arm it up!A W# all gasp#.! W#rth bi3arr#l- b#gan to snigg#r an.th#n unabl# to control hims#l' l#t out a maniacal roar o' #(il mirth!

@M#an%hil# %hil# th#- %#r# all %aiting in th# bar $ ma.# sur# m-

'ri#n. tri#. to g#t th#m .runk %hich %asn2t too har. sinc# th#- %#r#

n#r(ous as h#ll an. $ k#pt th#m %aiting 'or so long! "lus h# put a littl#



;> in th#ir b##rs! Man %h#n $ sho%#. up th#- %#r# toss#.! $ ma.#

thr## gran.!A :#th l#an#. back an. cl#aning a 'ing#r nail +ui#tl- sai.

@/n-%a-! hat2s %hat $ .o 'or mon#-! :o -ou all think about %hat $2ll

.o i' som#on# tr-2s to 'uck %ith m#!A With that h# lumb#r#. to his '##t

an. l#'t! W#rth 'ollo%#.! ,#na ros# on unst#a.- '##t looking aroun.cra3#.! ;an. o(#r h#r mouth sh# %himp#r#. @h m- go. h m- go.

$ *A h#ophan %#nt to com'ort h#r! :h# '#ll into his arms sobbing lightl-

into his bush- b#ar.! @$ think sh# n##.s to r#st $ %ill r#turn !A ;# took

h#r a%a-! Carl %as stan.ing shaking %ith rag# @h# animalA h# k#pt

sa-ing! @W# must .#al %ith him /n. that W#rth tooA

@D#al %ith th#m< ,ik# ho%<A $ ask#.

@:om#thing must b# .on# * th#- %ill b# ruin #(#r-thingA

@>ut!!!%hat can %# .o< W# can2t kill th#m! $ m#an h#-2r# not hurting

an-on#! h#-2r# not pr#(#nting us 'rom .oing %hat %# n##. to .o!A

=(#r-on# %as +uit#!

@,#a(# th#m b#!A =ug#n# sai.!

@W#llA Wol'gang spok# @$ think Carl2s conc#rns ar# justi'i#.! ;# is

%hat %# call a

toic2 #l#m#nt in our littl# group!A

@=actl- .octor * h# is toic manA Carl #nthusiasticall- #mbrac#.

Wol'gangs color'ul lab#l!

@What $ m#an is that in group .-namics th#r# ma- b# on# in.i(i.ual or

mor# %ho pr#(#nts th# r#st o' th# group 'rom g#tting b#tt#r!A

@D#'init#l- toic! :#th .o#s nothing ;# .o#s not h#lp h# .o#s no jobh# .o#s no 'unction! ;# has no us#A Carl sai. %ith 'inalit- punctuating

#ach s#nt#nc# b- smacking his 'ist in th# palm o' his han.!

@Wait a minut#A Marc#l jump#. in @:impl- b#caus# h# has no 'unction

.o#s not m#an h#2s us#l#ssA =ug#n# no..#. agr##m#nt!



@$' h# .o#s not 'ul'ill a 'unction $ sa- h# is not a manA

h#ophan ha. just r#turn#. @h# man %ho r#j#cts anoth#r .#ni#s a part

o' his o%n humanit- an. th#r#b- l#ss#ns hims#l'!A

@W#ath#r %# lik# it or not %# all n##. to %ork tog#th#r i' this plan is to

succ##.!A Wol'gang couns#l#. @$' %# l#t on# o' us in'#ct th# oth#rs %ith

.iss#nt %# %ill not sur(i(#! $ ha(# s##n situations #scalat# into (iol#nc#

an. mur.#r! W# must .#al %ith this! W# can not allo% on# man to

t#rrori3# th# r#st!A

@With lo(#A h#ophan insist#. #-#s %#r# '#(#rish an. pl#a.ing @W#

must 'ight t#rrorist b#ha(iors %ith justic# /n. un.#rstan.ing! $' %#

lab#l him a monst#r th#n %# ignor# th# .#(il insi.# us an. un%atch#.h# %ill sur#l- tak# o(#r our soul A

Carl s##m#. anno-#.! @"ri#st pra-ing %ill not g#t us to out o' this

plac# %# must b# practical! $n #tr#m# situations abo(# all #ls# on#

must b# sta-ing practical!A

@$' it is not spiritual th#n it is not practical!A h#ophan r#pli#.!

@,ist#nA $ jump#. in @W#2r# g#tting r#all- carri#. a%a- h#r#! $ kno%

p#opl# lik# :#th h# probabl- sai. all that stu'' b#caus# h# '#lt

intimi.at#.! ,#t m# talk to him %#2ll s## %hat h# .o#s an. in anoth#r

%##k ho% about %# g#t tog#th#r an. th#n %#2ll s## %h#r# %# ar#!A

@;# still is .ang#rous but k!A Carl conc#.#.! @>ut -ou an. .octor %ill

%atch him mak# sur# -ou kno% %hat h# is .oing all tim#s! /n. .octor

-ou sp#ak to him an. .isco(#r %hat is in his min.!A $ %asn2t

com'ortabl# %ith b#ing a sp- but $ ac+ui#sc#.! @Jon this .r#am -ou

ha. .o -ou ha(# an- associations %ith gr##n 'air-2s<A Wol'gang ask#.m#!

@Not r#all- although gr##n 'air- is a slang t#rm 'or /bsinth#! $ us#. to

lo(# it! $t %as m- 'a(orit# .rug! >ut b#si.#s that!!!no! Marc#l .i. -ou

ha(# th# sam# .r#am< >#caus# W#rth %as asking -ou!A



@No no! $ .i. not!A ;# ros# striating out his suit jack#t an. b#gan to

pac# rubbing th# stubbl# on his 'ac#! @;# ask#. m# i' $ ha. an-

kno%l#.g# o' a gr##n 'air- +u##n! Fh th# 'air- +u##n is actuall- a 'airl-

common pr#s#nc# in lit#ratur# #sp#ciall- in th# mi..l# ag#s! h# gr##n

'air- queen ho%#(#r as 'ar as $ kno% is onl- m#ntion#. in on# plac# *in W#lsh m-th! W#rth hims#l' sai. h# ha. h#ar. o' such a thing in t%o

%#lsh po#ms! $ uh ma.# him r#p#at th#m until $ m#mori3#. both! ,#t2s

s## gi(# m# a mom#nt! /h -#s

k! h# 'irst %#nt ?

/t #(# th# primros# path along h# milkmai. short#ns %ith a song ;#r

solitar- %a-9

:h# s##s th# 'airi#s %ith th#ir +u##n

rip han.*in*han. th# circl#. gr##n /n. h#ars th#m rais# at tim#s

uns##n h# #ar*#nchanting la-!

hat is b- th# E#(#r#n. John ,ogan? Ode to Spring 1G80! h#

s#con.!!!$ can onl- r#call

th# tail #n. %hich %#nt ? r##n 'air- islan.s r#posing $n sunlight an. b#aut-

n c#ans calm br#ast

$t %as part o' an ol. W#lsh song! h#r# ar# som# m-th2s attach#. that

W#rth %as una%ar# o'! h#- mainl- ha(# to .o %ith on# or mor#

magical islan.s %h#r# li(#. suppos#.l- (arious 'airi#s an. oth#r

magical cr#atur#s! Most o' th#s# sup#rstitions ha(# .i#. o'' compl#t#l-

but som# still sur(i(# #sp#ciall- among th# ol.#r g#n#ration! $n.##.-ou can 'in. som# %ho still b#li#(# 'antastic tal#s in r#gar. to th#s#

islan.s! 7or instanc# th#- sa- th# islan.s ar# th# abo.# o' th# souls o'

c#rtain Drui.s not right#ous #nough to #nt#r th# Christian h#a(#n but

n#ith#r %ick#. #nough to b# con.#mn#. to h#ll! h#s# islan.s r#pr#s#nt

a sort o' romantic purgator-!A



@$s that all< hat .o#sn2t t#ll us an-thing! $s that suppos# to m#an %#2r#

in purgator-< What #actl- ar# .rui.s an-%a-<A $ ask#.!

@Drui.s< h#-2r# basicall- a pri#stl- class o' pagan natur# %orshipp#rs

in anci#nt C#ltic soci#t-! h#r#2s a lot o' m-th surroun.ing th#m but notmuch is actuall- kno%n! Julius Ca#sar %rot# that th#- b#li#(#. in th#

transmigration o' souls! :ton#h#ng# %as suppos#.l- built b- th#m as

%#ll! What this all has to .o %ith us i' an-thing $ ha(#n2t a clu#

though!A

@Do#s an- o' that m#an an-thing to -ou Jon!A Wol'gang ask#. m#! $t

.i.n2t! /'t#r som# p#rpl##. sil#nc# %# r#ali3#. =ug#n# ha.n2t sai. a

%or. so 'ar! Wol'gang ask#. him %hat h# thought o' all this! ;# sai.

that as 'ar as th# apparition %#nt it %as %hat it %as an. sa% no r#asonto .oubt its r#alit-! ;# ha. no probl#m b#li#(ing that this %as all som#

kin. o' m#taph-sical punishm#nt an. that it #haust#. him to s## us

.oing th#s# m#ntal g-mnastics tr-ing to 'igur# #(#r-thing out inst#a. o'

just acc#pting it !

@You r#all- think %# .#s#r(# this<A $ ask#. @What about our 'amili#s

th#-2r# probabl# 'r#aking out *th#- .on2t .#s#r(# an- o' this! /n. $

.on2t kno% about #(#r-on# #ls# $2m no ang#l but $2(# n#(#r .on#an-thing so #(il to .#s#r(# this $ m#an compar#. %ith oth#r p#opl#

#sp#ciall-! h#r#2s pl#nt- %ors# than m#!A

@"#rhaps th#-2r# in th# n#t (all#- o(#r!A ;# sai.!

@What about -ou -ou r#all- think -ou .#s#r(# this<A

@hat2s not th# point! $' -ou look at things 'rom that p#rsp#cti(# -our

missing th# most important thing about b#ing human! ,ist#n .o#s

an-on# .#s#r(# an-thing< $ .i.n2t gi't m-s#l' %ith li'# or m- p#rsonalit- $ .i.n2t choos# m- pr#'#r#nc#s m- tast#s m- s#! $n 'act $

.i.n2t choose an-thing! W# ar# 'r## onl- in our attitu.#s! 7at# .o#s th#

choosing! /n. #(#n though %# can .o onl- %hat 7at# 'orc#s our han. to

.o it is a human ruth that %# acc#pt th# cons#+u#nc#s!A



@h# cons#+u#nc#s o' %hat< ' things %# ha. no control o(#r< $ .i.n2t

put m-s#l' h#r#!A @$t2s th# onl- %a- to li(# %ith .ignit-A =ug#n#

shrugg#. his shoul.#rs! @You can r#b#l against it or .#n- it lik# som#

o' -ou ar# .oing but b- .oing that -ou ar# .#n-ing a (ital truth o' th#

human con.ition!A

@:o %# ar# 'r## in on# s#ns# %# ar# 'r## to choos# our attitu.# to%ar.

our situations!A Wol'gang smil#.! =ug#n# no..#. his h#a.!

Carl hu''#. @:uch is bullshit! Man can mast#r his 'at# * %ith t#am%ork

Not alon#! W# %ill chang# things *-ou %ait! Just %ait! o acc#pt *th#n

%hat< Do nothing< $ sa- %ork an. b#li#(# in th# 'utur#! $t %ill g#t

b#tt#r!!!just %ait!A

@Y#a %#llA $ sai. g#tting up to l#a(# @$ n##. hop# now!A

@$s t#mporar- -ou2ll s##! Wait an. s##!!A

@$t2s #t#rnal!A =ug#n# sai. %ith 'inalit-! @h#r# is no 'utur#! nl- no%!

You talk all -ou %ant! Your opinion o' things %on2t chang# th# %a-

things ar#! nl- a go. %ill l#a. us out o' this .arkn#ss! $ ha(# mor# 'aith

in ghosts than $ .o in -ou!A

=ug#n# got up an. l#'t! Wol'gang Marc#l Carl an. $saac lik#%is# ros#

%or.l#ssl- an. .#part#. %ithout an-on# sa-ing goo.night! $ %as l#'t

sitting in th# .arkn#ss alon# lost an. a'rai.! /'t#r a%hil# h#ophan

app#ar#.! ;# sai. ,#na %as .oing b#tt#r just ha(ing a tough tim# %ith

all this! @$ ha(# o. to l#an uponA h# sai. @an. #(#n 'or m# it is

.i''icult! $ can2t imagin# counting onl- on -ours#l'!!!A $ tol. him ho%

th# r#st o' th# m##ting %#nt! $ m#ntion#. %hat =ug#n# ha. sai.! 7or

som# r#ason it uns#ttl#. m#!

@You .on2t b#li#(# that .o -ou< hat %# ha(# no control<A h#ophan

m#t m- ga3# %ith st#a.- sorro%'ul #-#s! @;# is right Jon! Without o.

%# can .o nothing!A



@;o% can -ou sa- that hink o' all th# incr#.ibl# things man has

accomplish#. *not just citi#s but #ntir# ci(ili3ations Works o' art th#

:istin# Chap#l %#ll $ gu#ss Mich#lang#lo .i. p#tition o. 'or h#lp but

oth#r gr#at artists!!!A

@=(#n a't#r all that %# still ha(# not l#arn#. to lo(# on# anoth#r! $

shoul. ha(# sai. %#

can .o nothing o' goodness or tru# %orth %ithout .i(in# assistanc#!

E#m#mb#r :t! "aul h# sai. ?

$ .o not #(#n akno%l#.g# m- o%n actions as min# 'or %hat $ .o is not

%hat $ %ant to .o but %hat $ .#t#st! >ut i' %hat $ .o is against m- %ill

it m#ans that $ agr## %ith th#

la% an. hol. it to b# a.mirabl#! >ut as things ar# it is no long#r $ %ho

p#r'orm th# action but sin that lo.g#s in m# * in m- unspiritual natur# $

m#an* 'or though th# %ill to .o goo. is th#r# th# .##. is not! h# goo.

%hich $ %ant to .o $ 'ail to .o9 but %hat $ .o is th# %rong %hich is

against m- %ill9 an. i' %hat $ .o is against m- %ill cl#arl- it is no

long#r $ %ho am th# ag#nt but sin %hich has its lo.ging in m#! Eomans

G ? 15*&0!

hat is th# m#aning o' ju.g# not th# sinn#r but th# sin!2 /n. it is a

gr#at#r mor# compr#h#nsi(# ruth than Marc#ls (#rsion o' humanit-!A

@:o %ait $2m con'us#. $ thought -ou sai. Marc#l %as right!A

@W#ll m- son this %orl. is not so simpl#! :om#tim#s th#r# ar# #n#m-

truths!A

With that h# l#'t! $ sta-#. thinking o' all that %as sai.!Chapt#r %#nt-

:h#2s 'a.ing! $2m 'org#tting h#r 'ac#! $magin# h#r 'ac# has b#gun

alr#a.- to blur!!!What a %#ak thing %# ar# our souls too 'lims- a

substanc# to hol. ,o(#2s %il. %at#rs! $n this %orl. it is 7#bruar- th#



s#(#nth! ,ast -#ar $ %as %ith h#r! >#'or# th# sPanc#! >#'or# :#th! W#

%#r# %aiting just th# t%o o' us 'or h#ophan to bring 'oo.! $2(# %ritt#n

#n.l#ss (#rsions o' this in not#books stor#. a%a- tr-ing to captur#

#(#r-

br#ath sh# took th# %a- h#r #-#s crinkl#. an. sh# laugh#. %on.#ring

ho% h#r p#ach skin tast#. h#r lips h#r laugh h#r la3- %rists %h#n sh#

slapp#. m# in 'un! >ut $ .ont ha(# to consult not#books! @:o %hat ar#

-ou .oing 'or (al#ntin#s .a-<A sh# ask#.! @h is it (al#ntin#s .a-

soon<A

@Y#a! $2(# b##n k##ping track! $n s#(#n .a-s! :o %atcha .o2n .a..-<A

:h# smack#. h#r lips! :h# nicknam#. m# .a..- b#caus# as sh#Marc#l an. m-s#l' %#r# %alking $ %as ha(ing a con(#rsation %ith

Marc#l! ,#na2s o't#n a bit o' a spac# ca.#t! :h# %as strolling about h#a.

cock#. staring into spac# %h#n sh# thought o' som#thing an.

int#rrupt#. us @h m- go. You kno% that plac# in N#% J#rs#- %h#r#

*A /n. as a jok# cooll- as $ n#(#r smil# or gi(# a%a- th# 'act that $2m

ki..ing in a smooth (oic# $ int#rrupt#. h#r @:aha * :hhhhh Da..-2s

talking!A >#auti'ul sil(#r giggl#s burst 'rom h#r lo(#l- lips! :o that

b#cam# a pri(at# jok# b#t%##n us * @:hhhhhhh Da..-2s talkingA W#sat a.jac#nt to #ach oth#r h#r l#gs curl#. up kn##s pr#ss#. against h#r

ch#st h#r arms clasp#. aroun. th#m! :h# bump#. m# pla-'ull- %ith h#r

shoul.#rs!

@Fmmmm!!! Nothing! "robabl- sit b- th# 'ir# an. cr-A $ (#ntur#. a

(uln#rabilit-! @Y#a m# too!A :h# sai. rolling h#r #-#s up%ar. an.

biting h#r lip! @:o -our not .oing an-thing<A ;#r (oic# b#cam# so't#r

%h#n sh# ask#. an. sh# %as looking m# in th# #-#! :h# s##m#. a bit

n#r(ous! Wait %h- %as sh# asking again< $ coul. '##l th# jackhamm#ro' m- pumping h#art b#at (iol#ntl- in m- ch#st! Was sh# #p#cting

som#thing o' m#< Di. sh# %ant to!!!No! o. no :h#2. n#(#r %ant to

sp#n. it %ith m#! =(#n h#r#! $n this .#solat# plac#! $2m a monst#r! $2m

'ucking hi.#ous! =ug#n#2s h#r#! ;# lik#s h#r! ;#2s in gr#at shap#!

>ut!!!coul. sh# b# asking m#< No no! :h# %as looking at m# still h#a.



tilt#.! =-#bro%s rais#.! $2m so 'uck#. up to #(#n consi.#r it! $ 'ought

.o%n m- %il. bucking soul roaring lik# an oc#an outrag#. an. h#ll*

b#nt on kissing th# moon! M- 'ac# 'lush#. *stain control $ k#pt m-

(oic# st#a.- @No! $2ll probabl- just sit alon# in th# .ark!!!ma-b# cut

m-s#l' a littl# ha!A $ coul. '##l m- soul #nrag#. that $ shoul. r#bu'' thisopportunit- #bb lo% st#aling a%a- m- h#art! $ stuck a kni'# in th#

c#nt#r o' m- soul to +ui#t it! @Y#a!!!A :h# smil#. %#akl-! /n. th#n in a

panic $ abruptl- chang#. th# subj#ct! $ b#gan talking in a ma. gush o'

(#rbiag# o' $sra#l "al#stin# $ can2t r#m#mb#r %hat #ls#! Casuall-

aroun. this tim# $ m#ntion#. ,#na to h#ophan al%a-s pumping oth#rs

'or in'ormation about h#r! Without %arning h# sai. @You lo(# ,#na!A

M- h#art stopp#.! h# al#rt r#a.#r ma- notic# that th# inn#r s#l' %hich

.#picts th#s# int#ractions is no%is# similar to th# aloo' i.iot %hoactuall- .o#s th# int#racting! $ am s#nsiti(# an. romantic in h#art but

tak# incr#.ibl# unnatural pains to suppr#ss m- soul in r#lations an.

#ampl# a s#l' cool an. unmo(#. to th# %orl. #t#rior! /gain $ chang#.

th# subj#ct %hil# h#ophan %atch#. %ith %is# bro%n #-#s m-

%r#tch#. b#tra-al o' m- h#arts tru# i.#ntit-! ;# tol. m# that o. %as

lo(# an. that o. ma- b# approaching m# @in th# guis# o' this -oung

la.-! $t is as i' o. is %alking .o%n th# str##t on# .a- .ir#ctl- to%ar.s

-ou! o r#j#ct h#r is to r#j#ct o.!A@What< /r# -ou sa-ing ,#na is o.<A $ ask#.

@No Not at all onl- that o. sp#aks through p#opl# %# ar# his 'ing#rs!

hat is %h- th# bibl# sp#aks mainl- about r#lationships!A

/s $ %rit# this m- 'ac# has b#com# a'lam#! $t is in th# %i.# gaping spac#

b#t%##n %hat $ am an. %hat $ coul. b# that all o' h#ll2s .#mons %rith#!

:o things %#nt as usual #c#pt 'or ,#na %ho app#ar#. traumati3#.!Wol'gang an. h#ophan took turns looking a't#r h#r! :h# sl#pt most o'

th# tim#! $ %as asham#. to go s## h#r! $ am glutt#. %ith #mptin#ss! $ can

.o nothing! $t kills m#! $ so %ant#. to com'ort h#r %ith a courag# an.

%armth $ ha.n2t to gi(#! :#th k#pt a%a-! Carl sta-#. in.ustrious as #(#r!

$n.##. h# ha. mor# #n#rg- an. .ri(# than us all! W# labor#. on tir#.



brok#n pr#t#n.ing #(#r-thing %as pr#t#n.ing %# %#r# %hol#

pr#t#n.ing that

th# 'utur# h#l. promis# that things %oul. b# right an. against all

s#ns# #(#r-thing %oul. %ork out! h#r# %#r# signs th# 'aUa.# %ascracking! W# talk#. l#ss laugh#. littl# an. ma.# no r#'#r#nc# to th# li'#

%# onc# li(#. or th# li'# %# hop#. to li(#! Carl %ith $ pr#sum#

Wol'gang2s assistanc# took notic# an. th#r# b#ing no t#l#(ision or

gossip or n#%s programs to .istract us 'rom th# bar# st#rilit- o' li'#

.#(is#. oth#r m#ans to turn our att#ntion a%a- 'rom th# g#n#ral #nnui

that thick#n#. th# air! 7or on# although $ thought it insan# h# charg#.

Wol'gang an. W#rth %ith .iluting th# spi.#rs (#nom hoping to cr#at# a

mil. intoicant or opiat# to sooth our .#spair! M#an%hil# h# instigat#.

gam#s o' ch#ss an. ch#ck#rs using torn bits o' cloth#s or cut pi#c#s o'

l##ch! h#ophan still #n#rg#ticall- campaign#. 'or his i.#a o' a 1&

boul.#r simultan#ous push! /t on# point Carl an. him got into an

argum#nt an. Carl @7orba.#A him to bring up such @moral# .#stro-ing

propagan.aA in his pr#s#nc#! @W# n##. all thoughts an. acti(it- to b#

conc#ntrat# in on# .ir#ctionA h# sai.! h#ophan ask#. Carl i' h# %oul.

agr## to tr- it i' a't#r som# in.#t#rminat# tim# in th# 'utur# it look#.

lik# his plan %asn2t going to %ork! Carl #plo.#. @o #(#n think such

thing %ill kill all hop# th#s# p#opl# ha(# h#- must b#li#(# You an.:#th * sam# You anoth#r toic p#rson! $ W$,, WEA 7rom th#n

on thos# t%o sta-#. %#ar- o' #ach oth#r! h# atmosph#r# gr#% t#ns#! $

sa% Carl2s point! h# unc#rtaint- %as %#ighing on #(#r-on#2s n#r(#s!

7or th# most part =ug#n# Chuang an. o' cours# Mahāk āś-apa k#pt

aloo'! $ k#pt m- promis# to Carl an. a't#r %aiting a '#% .a-s 'or him to

cool o'' $ %#nt to s## ho% :#th %as g#tting on! $t %as .istast#'ul a't#r

#(#r- (isit Carl %oul. pump m# 'or in'ormation! $ tol. him th# basicsnothing that $ thought %oul. b#tra- :#th2s con'i.#nc# in m# not that h#

%as t#rribl- pri(at# %ith his opinions an-%a- but th# #p#ri#nc# al%a-s

l#'t m# '##ling oil-! $n g#n#ral $ am not accustom#. to choosing si.#s

usuall- $ ch##rl#a.#r 'or m- o%n sa'#t- unl#ss 'or th# caus# o' an

un.#r.og or (ictim! >ut h#r# $ ha. troubl# i.#nti'-ing thos#! =(#r-on#



h#r# s##m#. a (ictim! /lthough som# lik# Chuang an. =ug#n# r#'us#.

that mantl# an. %ith +ui#t h#roics .i. th#ir tim# %ithout .in or

complaint! :#th ha. his o%n %a- o' r#bu''ing th# (ictim rol# h# chos#

in so much as h# %as abl# th# rol# o' th# p#tulant r#b#l bull-ing

%hat#(#r m#taph-sical 'orc#s as h# p#rc#i(#. it bulli#. him! ;# call#.Chuang an. =ug#n# @'ilth- compliant inmat#sA %h#r#as h# %oul.n2t

mak# it #as- 'or @th#m!A ;# %as so angr-! $ tri#. to talk to him but h#

sa% #(#r- littl# thing $ sai. as an attack! ;# must b# t#rri'i#. $ thought

or #ls# %h- this p#acock2s .ispla- o' .#'#nsi(# aggr#ssion< Wor.s h#

'lung lik# missil#s! h#ophan in.#'atigabl# #asp#rat#. :#th %ith

#''orts to r#cruit him! :#th loung#. on th# groun. la-ing on his si.#

h#a. l#aning on his han. his %hit# b#ll- p##king 'rom his black shirt!

,#na stoo. a bit apart 'rom us looking m##k! @What2s th# point * #(#n i' it .o#s %ork<A :#th turn#. to ,#na his (oic# gr#% a bit so't#r @,#na i'

-ou g#t out o' h#r# %hat ar# -ou going to .o<A

n# arm hol.ing th# oth#r insp#cting th# groun. sh# ans%#r#. @Fm!

,i(# m- li'# $

gu#ss! What .o -ou m#an<A

@:p#ci'icall- $ m#an %hat #actl- ar# -ou going to .o<A@$2m going to go back to school! #t a job! #t a bo-'ri#n.! 7in. tru#

lo(# ;a(# cra3- s#!!!A :h# laugh#. @$2. .o %hat $ %as .oing b#'or# $

got h#r# *hang out %ith m- 'ri#n.s go to rall-2s an. conc#rts! What

#ls#<A

@k! /n. th#n %hat<A

@What am $ going to .o a't#r that< W#ll ma-b# g#t marri#.! $ .on2t %ant

an- ki.s! Not no% an-%a-! $2m going to tra(#l! :## =urop#! /n. just!!!li(# m- li'#!A

@k! h#n %hat<A

@$ .on2t kno%! Ma-b# #(#ntuall- ha(# ki.s!!!$ .on2t kno% it .#p#n.s!A



@ h#n %hat<A

@/n. th#n $ .on2t kno%! ;a(# gran.ki.s!!!r#tir#!!!mo(# to a tropical

islan. $ .on2t kno%A

@h#n<A

@h#n $2ll b# .#a.A

:#th rais#. his #-#bro%s looking smug! ;# turn#. to h#ophan %ith a

sl- #pr#ssion @k h#ophan! ;o%2s this! Jon an. Marc#l -ou b# m-

%itn#ss! $2ll push a rock *A

@You %ill< %on.#r'ulA h#ophan brok# in!

@,ist#n $2ll push a rock *if -ou can pro(# to m# -our %orth it!A

@Worth it< Worth %hat< o %hom<A

@"ro(# it to -ours#l(#s! ,ist#n ho% man- p#opl# ar# .-ing 'rom hung#r

or rotting a%a- in prisons or st##p#. in po(#rt-!!!an. %# ha(#

#(#r-thing %# n##. right h#r#! >ut -ou

%ant mor#! You %ant a s#con. chanc#! 7in# $ .on2t think 'or a s#con.

us all pushing a coupl# o' rocks at th# sam# tim# is gonna mak# a

.i''#r#nc# but $2ll .o it if -ou can pro(# that -ou2r# %orth- o' li'# o'

li(ing on #arth!A

Marc#l s##m#. intrigu#. @>ut ho% .o -ou m#asur# th# (alu# o' a

p#rson< What2s -our crit#ria< /n. %hat mak#s -ou an abl# ju.g#<A

@,ist#n man $ 'ucking hat# ju.g#s! :o -ou .o it! $' all o' -ou can sa-

accor.ing to -our o%n pri(at# stan.ar.s that -ou trul- .#s#r(# thatoth#r li'# -ou onc# ha. an. mak# m# b#li#(# that -ou b#li#(# it than

$2ll push -our 'ucking boul.#r! D#al<A

h#ophan pick#. an. pull#. at his thick black b#ar. #-#bro%s knit

@:o as long as %# all sa- that %# .#s#r(# li'# than -ou %ill join us<A

:#th no..#. a sarcastic smirk t%isting his 'ac#!



@W#ll so A h#ophan b#gan slo%l- @although $ m-s#l' am unabl# to

sa- i' $ am %orth- o' li'# or not still $ kno% that $ am %orth-!A

@Y#a but ho%!A

@>#caus# J#sus Christ su''#r#. an. .i#. on th# cross 'or m# 7or -ou

too *an. all mankin.! $' $ %as not %orth- o. %oul. not ha(# sacri'ic#.

his o%n :on 'or m# no matt#r ho% sin'ul $ ma- b#!!!A

@k! 7in#! o t#ll th# oth#rs! Your .o%n t#n mor# to go!A

Marc#l b#gan to prot#st @$t .o#sn2t s##m 'air that -ou hol. so much

po%#r! h#s# p#opl# i' Carl2s plan 'ails ar# going to n##. hop# an.

th#-2r# going to look 'or it in h#ophan2s plan! 7or -ou to .#ci.# *A

@$2m not .#ci.ing an-thing!A :#th cut him o'' @$2m not ju.ging th#m

th#-2r# ju.ging

th#ms#l(#s! $' th#- .on2t think th#-2r# %orth- than %h- th# h#ll shoul. $

compromis# m-s#l' < ,ook $ .on2t gi(# a 'uck! Don2t .o it! $t2s not

gonna %ork an-%a-! $' a bunch o' sci#ntists or go. or th# gr##n

'ucking 'air- +u##n %ants to punish m# that2s 'in# but $2m not gonna

g#t on m- kn##2s an. start pushing 'ucking rocks b#caus# $2m scarr#. or

$ %ant to go hom# $ WN2 b# manipulat#. No on# r#sp#cts %hat $

b#li#(#!!!A

h# 'our o' us .#ci.#. to k##p :#th2s %ag#r a s#cr#t 'rom Carl! $saac

too sinc# h#2. b#com# som#%hat o' a lap.og an. sp- 'or Carl! $t %as

r#pulsi(# r#all- but $ coul.n2t blam# $saac! ,ik# all o' us trapp#. in this

bi3arr# situation his int#llig#nc# b- th# constant pr#ssur# o' unc#rtaint-

ha. gro%n susp#ct! nc# $saac con'i.#. to m# that +uit# s#riousl- h#

'#ar#. 'or his sanit-! "lus h# #p#ct#. a kin. o' :a(ior in th# t%#l'thman! Wh#n Carl cam# along 'i#r- %ith sp##ch a hamm#r a plan an.

unshakabl# con'i.#nc# $saac put all his trust in him! What #ls# coul. h#

.o! =(#n i' Carl2s plan %asn2t panning out it at l#ast %as som#thing! $n

this lan. so unsur# h# n##.#. a 'irm groun.! h#ophan #cstatic tol. th#

oth#rs o' :#th2s %ag#r! ;# thought this barr#n lan. .#(oi. o' .istractions



an. social commitm#nts th# p#r'#ct plac# 'or #ach o' us to .o som# soul

s#arching! Wol'gang #pr#ss#. un#as# at 'irst but agr##. to t#ll n#ith#r

Carl or $saac an. to h#lp ho%#(#r h# might ! Marc#l a't#r mulling it

o(#r passionat#l- .#nounc#. th# proposition! "#opl# n##.#. to g#t out

o' th#ir h#a.s h# sai. not b# push#. .##p#r insi.#9 that it %as a morbi.##rcis# an. .ang#rous! Wol'gang promis#. him h#2. sup#r(is# th#

%hol# thing an. mak# sur# no harm %as .on#! @h# min. is a %il.

sa(ag# plac#A Marc#l shout#. @You2r# b#tt#r o'' sup#r(ising a bull#t

b#ing shot at -ouA /n. h# storm#. o'' agitat#. '#(#rish t#rror burning

in th# %hit#s o' his #-#s! @h# strain o'

this plac# must b# %orr-ing on him!A Wol'gang sai. @h# irrational is

boun. to br#ak through to th# sur'ac# 'rom tim# to tim#! his sort o'

#n(ironm#nt l#n.s its#l' to such outbursts!A ;# promis#. to ha(# a talk

%ith him at som# point!

$ am just back 'rom (#nturing out! /ch# =(#r- st#p 'rom out m- hous#

stabs m- #-#s %ith ra3or#. (isions! $ rar#l- l#a(#! $ can2t !!!!b#2 much

long#r! 7or onl- an hour $ l#'t! Fpon a m#tal 'ol.ing chair $ sa% a girl * a

lo(abl# 'l#sh an. bloo. girl! :h# ha. curl#. up on it kn##s against h#r

ch#st picking at h#r thumb! h# skin on m- tr#mbling 'ing#rs h#ats up

is on 'ir# th#n bubbl#s in s%#lling boils! /ck!!!an. as $ tr- h#r# tor#captur# h#r m- moth#r lik# a rott#. ghost min.l#ssl- .ri'ts through

th# halls sighing mutt#ring s%##ping sighing .ropping sho#s staring

at th# 'auc#t tr-ing to r#m#mb#r %hat sh# m#ant to .o s#arching h#r

'ailing m#mori#s 'or %h- sh# .o#s it %ho sh# is somnambulant

'ootst#ps pushing chairs slo%l- %iping th# tabl# kno%ing that onc#

sh# stops th#r# is nothing mor# a gaping %hol# that s%allo%s h#r soul!

$ hat# h#r h#r sickl- pr#s#nc#! / thousan. crackling bags o' arti'icial

'oo.*stu''s .#a'#n %hat 'rail r#alit- ling#rs h#r#! h * but that girl'ragil# balanc#. on that m#tal 'ol.ing chair %ith '#lin# grac#! What h#at

skims th# sur'ac# o' h#r skin< $ %ant to hol. h#r sl#n.#r 'ing#rs in m-

han.! $ ha(# so much lo(# to gi(# * it2s all insi.# lik# ra3or*%ing#.

ins#cts slicing m# to ribbons! $ can2t gi(# it! $ts .#stro-ing m#! $t2s #ating

m- go.*.amn h#art a%a- $ promis#. m-s#l' looking on that -outh'ul



(isag# th# opposit# o' %hich tott#rs r#pulsi(#l- b#hin. m# that $ %ill

not #at! $ kno% $ ha(# sai. it to m-s#l' a million tim#s b#'or# but this

tim# %h#n#(#r hung#r grabs m- throat $2ll think on h#r .ark bro%n

bangs an. pouting lips h#r hips2 s%a- as sh# %alk#. to g#t co''##! M-lo%#r s#l' gro%ls an. p#rsists! What am $ to .o %ith this lo(#< "ut it in

this 'ucking book< $nto art< /ll bullshit asi.# th# :istin# Chap#l an. all

o' Mo3art is %orth not #(#n on# #mbrac# 'rom %oman2s %on.#r*boun.

t#n.#rn#ss! "#rhaps -ou think th#s# s#ntim#nts sophomoric @it2s th# talk

o' a lo(#*a..l#. t##nag#r or a.ol#sc#nt!A $ h#ar it all th# tim# %h#n a

gro%n man 'alls in lo(# an. b#gins acting 'oolishl- th#- sa- @;#2s

acting lik# a school*bo-A as i' onl- chil.r#n coul. lo(# an. b-

a.ulthoo. m#n ar# #p#ct#. to @gro% out o'A that part capabl# o'

surr#n.#ring to lo(# #p#ct#. to 'orgo (uln#rabilit-! 7or what < :o mor#

tim# can b# .#(ot#. to raising chil.r#n in a lo(#l#ss marriag# %ho in

th#ir turn %ill n#(#r l#arn ho% to lo(#< Marc#l2s right this %orl. is

.#a. t%o*.im#nsional a tra(#st- o' r#alit-! o choos# a car##r to

ac+uir# com'ort an. luur- cars inst#a. o' b#ing a 'ool in lo(# *

ps-chosis M- r#asons 'or not lo(ing ar# #(#n mor# path#tic! $ am

scar#.! /lmost thirt-! hat glo% o' ra.iant (italit- %ill soon b# siphon#.

o'' 'or soci#t-2s n##.s! $ ag#! /n. $2ll n#(#r kno% -oung lo(# car#*'r##

an. #ub#rant b#caus# th# (igor o' lo(# %ill ha(# .i#. in m#! his pitiabl# %r#tch#. book is all $ ha(# l#'t! / r#p#ll#nt #cus# 'or a li'#!

7or a justi'ication 'or li(ing! o. has b##n so cl#ar * lo(# justic# an.

cr#ati(it-9 but lo(# #sp#ciall-! What %ill $ sa- to ;im< :url- h# %ill ask

* @/n. %h#r# is -our lo(#< #ll m# Jonathan McCormack %hom .i.

-ou gi(# -our lo(# .o< What .i. -ou .o %ith all that miraculous lo(# $

gi't#. -ou %ith<A /n. $ sham#'ac#. %ill hol. out this! his poorl- %rit

abomination! @his<A ;#2ll sa- @$s this %hat -ou .i. %ith th# pr#cious

minut#s $2(# gi(#n -ou< h#s# scribbl#s< With m- cr#ation -ou * -oumiracl# -ou .#migo. -ou 'or %hom m- onl- :on %as sacri'ic#. -ou

b#auti'ul an. #+uisit# b#ing

-ou %hom $ lo(# #(#n mor# than th# ang#ls * -ou gi(# m# this<A

/stonish#. an. cr#st 'all#n $ h#ar a might- groan! ;is high#st hop#s



*.ash#. against th# rocks! $s that not h#ll< r a gr#at#r h#ll at l#ast * not

to b# s#parat#. 'rom o.2s lo(# as th#- sa- it b#ing a(ailabl# an.

kno%ing that $ .o not .#s#r(# it< To see the heart of God break b#caus#

o' -ou!!!M- 'aith in ;im is %#ak ;is 'aith in m# is outrag#ous! $n that

p#rhaps is r#ason to go on an. b- suici.# not a.. to his.isappointm#nts!!! /n. again m- complaint is unjust! $ kno% ? th# man

%ithout courag# to lo(# is lik#%is# o' b#ing lo(#. un%orth- !

W# k#pt l##r- o' W#rth! :uch strang#n#ss our min.s coul. not bar#! $

ask#. him ho% h# contact#. th# spirit! ;# tol. m# it in(ol(#. (arious

ccult practic#s in(ol(ing corr#spon.#nc#s an. going into a tranc#! >ut

h# sai. th# most important thing %as po#tr-! ;# .i.n2t consi.#r th#

spirit oth#r%orl.l- in th# s#ns# that it onc# li(#.! h#ophan coul. b#corr#ct h# sai. that th# .#a. ar# 'or#(#r barr#. b- som# m#taph-sical

la% 'rom #nt#ring th# .omain o' th# li(ing! h# +u##n coul. b# an

#arthl- spirit an. all spirits o' th# #arth communicat# b- %a- o' art

sp#ci'icall- th#- can onl- transmit concr#t# in'ormation as oppos#. to

intuitions or #motions b- %a- o' po#tr-! "o#tr- is th# high#st most

inclusi(# art 'orm incorporating music sp##ch (isual imag#r-

narrati(# m#aning rh-thm an. kno%l#.g#! h# gr#at#st po#tr- 'rom

:hak#sp#ar# an. Milton actuall- us#s a simpl# rh-m# sch#m# %hich h#

ha. us#. to conjur# th# +u##n! ;# #plain#. @/ p#rson must l#arn ho%

to #ist to inhabit a %a- o' b#ing2 oth#r than this bo.il- #ist#nc#! h#

gr#at majorit- o' p#opl# ar# imprison#. in a cag# o' %or.2s that is to

sa- conc#pts! h#- ar# manipulat#. b- %or.s! "oliticians ar# a.#pt at

this! :om# consi.#r th# %or. an actual li(ing (irus som#%hat analogous

to th#

mo.#rn sci#nti'ic i.#a o' th# m#m#! E#gar.l#ss po#tr- is th# sa'#st an.'ast#st m#tho. o' #pan.ing on#s consciousn#ss 'ar mor# #''ici#nt than

#ast#rn m#.itation! $' a p#rson cannot #ist through art h# %ill b#

trapp#. on this plan#t 'or#(#r imprison#. in 'l#sh kno%ing onl- th#

bas#st m#tho. o' b#ing * li(ing in a bo.-!A

@:o i' $ .on2t kno% po#tr- m- soul %on2t l#a(# this l#(#l o' #ist#nc#<A



@/n- art %ill .o but po#tr- is th# sur#st rout# to constructing a soul

capabl# o' #isting outsi.# o' a bo.il- #n(ironm#nt!A

/lthough W#rth .i. not #plain 'or thos# %ho %oul. lik# to kno% $

ha(# sinc# ma.# a stu.- o' m#m#2s! $t ma- #plain th# %a- (ariousi.#as took hol. o' us! M#m#2s ar# a unit o' cultural in'ormation %hich

spr#a.s through .i''usion propagating 'rom on# min. to anoth#r

analogousl- to th# %a- in %hich a g#n# propagat#s 'rom on# organism to

anoth#r! h#- ar# coll#ctions o' i.#as that b#ha(# in th# mann#r o'

in.#p#n.#nt li'#*'orms %hich continu# to g#t pass#. on V #(#n at th#

#p#ns# o' th#ir hosts V simpl- b#caus# o' th#ir succ#ss at g#tting

pass#. on! :om# obs#r(#rs ha(# sugg#st#. that #(ang#lical r#ligions an.

cults b#ha(# in this %a-9 so b- inclu.ing th# act o' passing on th#ir

b#li#'s as a moral (irtu# oth#r b#li#'s o' th# r#ligion also g#t pass#.

along V #(#n i' th#- .o not pro(i.# particular .ir#ct b#n#'its to th#

b#li#(#r! h# sci#ntist Eichar. Da%kins sa-s th#- ar# an- cultural #ntit-

Lsuch as a song an i.#a or a r#ligion that an obs#r(#r might consi.#r a

r#plicator! ;# sa-s p#opl# can (i#% man- cultural #ntiti#s as r#plicators

g#n#rall- r#plicating through #posur# to humans %ho ha(# #(ol(#. as

#''ici#nt Lthough not p#r'#ct copi#rs o' in'ormation an. b#ha(ior!

M#m#2s .o not al%a-s g#t copi#. p#r'#ctl- an. might in.##. b#com#

r#'in#. combin#. or oth#r%is# mo.i'i#. %ith oth#r i.#as

r#sulting in n#% m#m#2s! h#s# m#m#2s math#ms#l(#s pro(# mor# Lor

l#ss #''ici#nt r#plicators than th#ir pr#.#c#ssors thus pro(i.ing a

'ram#%ork 'or a h-poth#sis o' cultural #(olution analogous to th#

th#or- o' biological #(olution bas#. on g#n#s! ;o% this i.#a r#lat#s to

%hat happ#n#. to us an. our r#actions to our 'orc#. #il# $ %ill l#t th#

int#llig#nt r#a.#r conj#ctur#!

M#an%hil# %# ha. #ach a s#ssion %ith Wol'gang in pr#paration 'or ourcon'rontation %ith :#th %h#r# %# %#r# #p#ct#. to justi'- our .#sir# 'or

r#l#as#! h#r# %asn2t a lot o' pri(ac- an. it ha. to b# .on# %h#n Carl

an. $saac %#r# pr#occupi#.! ,uckil- th# 'og mu''l#. soun. so (oic#s

t#n.#. not to tra(#l 'ar! $ '#lt ba. about .oing this b#hin. Carl an.

$saac2s back #sp#ciall- $saac! $ .#ci.#. to go '##l him out! $ 'oun. him



sitting alon# b- th# 'ir# taking a r#st 'rom hamm#ring th# boul.#r! ;is

'ac# %as .ra%n! ;is #-#s .ull an. lightl#ss shot up lik# an animals

%h#n h# h#ar. m#! :tartl#. h# got to his '##t brush#. o'' his trous#rs

an. motion#. m# to sit .o%n %ith him! $ .i. so! ;# .i.n2t #(#n both#r to

'#ign a smil#! ;# abs#ntmin.#.l- scratch#. b#hin. his #ar his #-#s%an.#ring about! $ tri#. to catch his #-# @:o $saac! ;o% ar# -ou

hol.ing up<A @M#< W#ll 'in# goo.! W#2r# banging a%a- at th# rock! $t2s

taking long#r than #p#ct#. but that2s k! Carl sa-s as soon as a crack

app#ars it2ll b# +uick %ork!A

@You look tir#.!A

@Who m#< ir#.< Na% a littl#! $ just b##n ha(ing troubl# sl##ping! >ut

$2m k! /n. all this 'air- an. ghost nons#ns#!!!!W#ll -ou .on2t bu- intoall that .o -ou<A

@$ .on2t kno% $saac! $t s##m#. pr#tt- r#al to m#! $ m#an W#rth an.

h#ophan th#-2r# al%a-s looking 'or som# big spiritual #planation!

>ut!!!$2(# b##n .o%n that roa.

b#'or# tr-ing to 'athom th# po%#rs that b#!!!it2s a tr#ach#rous roa.!!!it

can turn -our brain to soup $ .on2t s## %h- it coul.n2t ha(# b##n a

hologram! /n. as 'ar as th# .r#am h#ll sci#ntists coul.2(# gi(#n m# orall o' us subliminal m#ssag#s an. plant#. that imag# in m- min.! $t2s

just onc# -ou stop looking 'or ans%#rs in th# concr#t# * things can g#t

%#ir.! hat2s %h- $ r#sp#ct %hat Carl2s .oing! ;#2s k##ping us 'rom

going cra3- -ou kno%<A

@Y#a -#a! >o- that %hol# sPanc# .i. gi(# m# th# %illi#s though! /n.

%hat mak#s it %orst is this 'og /ll this mist s%irling .on2t t#ll an-on#

but som#tim#s $ s%#ar $ can s## shap#s mo(ing in itA@What kin. o' shap#s<A

@h just lik# .ark sha.o%s! ,ik# animals scurr-ing aroun. at night!

/n. th#n $ r#m#mb#r %hat that gr##n la.- sai. about h#.g#*hogs an.

m- min. r#all- starts pla-ing tricks on m# /ll $ can sa- is thank go. 'or



gu-s n#(#r gi(# it a thought b#caus# th#r#2s a million %oman out th#ir

but th# truth is th#- sa(# li(#s %ithout a %oman a man2s soul is

nothing * a black .#'orm#. ugl- littl# thing! Eight b#'or# sh# hugg#.

m# $ %as %on.#ring ho% much long#r $ coul. go on! :h# just %ith that

on# littl# #mbrac# 'ill#. m# %ith such %armth an. lo(#!!!$t2s ama3ing%hat simpl# human contact can .o! $n this plac# so .#solat# lon#lin#ss

is 'atal! h# r#al %orth o' a

%oman2s a''#ction is cl#ar#r h#r#! n# can '##l th# soul2s .#sp#rat#

'amin# %ithout it!A @:asha! Y#a sh#2s lo(#l-! :h#2. n#(#r go 'or m#

though! $2(# s##n h#r an. =ug#n# #chang# littl# glanc#s! $t2s just

that!!!:om#tim#s $ g#t so alon# $ can2t br#ath!!!A

@$ kno% $saac! :o .o $! You ask#. m# ho% $ han.l#. it< W#ll $2ll t#ll-ou ? $ just .i#! $ l#t pi#c#s o' m- soul asph-iat# an. .rop o''! $ just

k##p shambling 'or%ar. lik# a l#p#r %ithout to#s!A

W# l#t th# air br#ath# aroun. us! /'t#r som# tim# %# stoo. an.

#mbrac#.! $t %as lo(#! $ %alk#. a%a- grat#'ul! 7ull! With th# inspiration

an. str#ngth to k##p putting on# 'oot in 'ront o' th# oth#r! $ thank#. o.

'or s#n.ing m# such a tru# 'ri#n.! Without $saac $ coul.n2t mak# it!

Chapt#r %#nt- n#

Whil# ,#na con(al#sc#. Marc#l an. $ carri#. on our obs#r(ations! $n

on# %a- $ %as r#li#(#.! $ '#lt t#rribl# about m-s#l' %h#n sh# %as

aroun. as a toa. to th# sun! $ %ish $ coul. talk to Marc#l lik# $ .i. to

$saac but #(#r- tim# $ op#n#. up to him h#2. mumbl# som#

abstractions sa-ing (irtuall- nothing about hims#l'! ,at#l- h# bar#l-

spok# at all!

n# .a- %hil# taking a br#ak Marc#l l#aning against a boul.#r staringstrait into th# s%irling mist $ sat 'acing a%a- 'rom him us both lost in

our o%n h#a.s h# brok# th# sil#nc# an. sai. @:o ha(# -ou ha. -our

s#ssion2 %ith Wol'gang -#t<A $ ha. not! @/r# -ou n#r(ous!A No %as

h#< @$ am!!!curious! $2m not sur# %hat th# purpos# is! :#th mak#s such a



to*.o about not pla-ing gam#s2 an. -#t h#r# %# ar# pla-ing his! ..

.ont -ou

think<A ;# s##m#. a stu.i#. portrait o' nonchalanc# un.#r %hich panicrag#.! $t %as har. to t#ll %ith him though!!!!

N#t .a- Wol'gang an. $ sat .o%n tog#th#r! W# us#. th# mak#shi't

tabl#! ;# sat $n.ian st-l# back strait as a ro. his 'ac# p#rman#ntl-

plast#r#. %ith a noncommittal smil#! ;# tol. m# to mak# m-s#l'

com'ortabl#! $ plant#. m- girth to th# groun.! No on# spok#! ;# must b#

%aiting 'or m# so $ b#gan @:o this uh is about :#th2s proposal right<

hat2s %hat -ou %ant m# to talk about<A

@$' -ou %ant! You can talk about an-thing< ;o% .o -ou '##l about

:#ths proposal!A @W#ll $ %ant to g#t out o' h#r#! $ m#an th#r#2s

nothing h#r# so!!!A

@>ut $ ha(# al%a-s gott#n th# impr#ssion that -ou consi.#r#. -our li'#

to b# (#r- #mpt-! /m $ right<A

@Y#a! Your right! $ .i.nt ha(# much going on #actl-! $ %asnt happ- i'

that2s %hat -ou m#an!A

@What things %oul. ha(# to occur 'or -ou to b# happ-<A Wol'gang2s

(oic# sail#. #as- an. calm a n#utral (#ss#l that sooth#. m- un#as# an.

lull#. m# into trust!

@;app-<A $ ga(# him a %r- look @$ .on2t %ant to b# happ-! What %oul.

that .o! $2. just sit aroun. b#ing happ- until $ .i#<A

@h#n %hat .o -ou %ant i' not happin#ss Jon<A

@$ %ant m#aning! $ %ant a reason to b# happ-!A

@:o th#n %hat is it that -ou %ant to go back to<A

@$ * $ .on2t kno%! $ just %ant to g#t out o' this prison!A



@W#ll #(#r- plac# can b# consi.#r#. a prison *-our job 'amil-

obligations li'# its#l'!A

@Y#a! ru#! >ut $ %ant to choose m- prison!A

@Jon $ 'in. that som# p#opl# li(# th#ir li'# as i' th#- ar# in prison %ith

th# #p#ctation that th# (#r- n#t .a- or p#rhaps th# on# a't#r that th#

%ar.#n %ill b# coming an. th#- %ill b# s#t 'r##! M#an%hil# no on# has

both#r#. to in'orm th#m * th# %ar.#n is .#a.! h#- .i# %aiting 'or th#

gat#s to b# unlock#.!A

@What2s th# alt#rnati(# to mak# m- li'# h#r#< >#com# an appr#ntic#

,##ch*gath#r#r<A $ ask#. sarcasticall-!

@M- +u#stion 'or -ou is %h#n -ou go to :#th an. h# asks -ou Jon ar#

-ou %orth- o' li(ing a li'# out th#r#<2 %hat %ill -ou sa-<A

@$2ll sa- -#s!A $ ans%#r#. laconicall- looking a%a-!

@/n. %hat justi'i#s that ans%#r<A

@W#ll #ach p#rson must justi'- th#ir o%n #ist#nc#! $ .on2t kno%! $

m#an ho% .o#s a p#rson m#asur# th#ir o%n %orth< Mon#- an. status

ar# bullshit! $ gu#ss ma-b# b- ho% much lo(# -ou2(# #ng#n.#r#. or b- ho% much su''#ring a p#rson2s r#li#(#.!A @/n.!!!!!<A

$ took a .##p br#ath an. slo%l- l#t it out! $ scratch#. th# back o' m-

h#a. @W#ll $ gu#ss b- thos# stan.ar.s!!!$2m not %orth-!A

hat s#ssion %ith Wol'gang ha. l#'t m# shak#n! $ ask#. oth#rs %hat th#-

plann#. on sa-ing! h#ophan tol. m# that onl- o. coul. ju.g# a

p#rson an. that to 'ollo%ing his plan 'or us is th# gr#at#st goo. a p#rson

can .o! Wh#n ,#na '#lt b#tt#r an. $ put it to h#r sh# sai. sh# %as%orth- o' li'# b#caus# sh# %oul.n2t %ast# it or tak# it 'or grant#. sh#

%as pr#par#. to s+u##3# #ach mom#nt .r- o' th# 3#st it o''#r#.! :h#

%ant#. to b#



s#l'*actuali3#.2 an. that th#r# %as much sh# %ant#. to accomplish!

Wh#n $ tol. W#rth m- crit#ria h# a..#. a thir. %hich %as th# r#ason

he consi.#r#. hims#l' %orth- o' li'# ? a man through art coul. incr#as#

th# a(ailabl# stock o' r#alit-9 in 'act #pan. or at l#ast .isco(#r n#%

r#alms o' ps-chic spac# or #pos# to light .#pths o' human #p#ri#nc#an. soul that hith#rto ha. r#main#. hi..#n! ;# sai. #ss#ntiall- that this

%as th# histor- o' man2s #(olution in consciousn#ss * that artists 'rom

CP3ann# to Jo-c# to >##tho(#n #pan.#. m#n2s a%ar#n#ss b- sho%ing

th#m n#% %a-s o' thinking about th# %orl. o' r#lating to th#ms#l(#s o'

being! o cr#at# sai. W#rth is man2s supr#m# 'unction! =ug#n# ha. th#

simpl#st ans%#r ? th# purpos# o' li(ing is to sur(i(# sinc# sur(i(al %as

unc#rtain h#r# h# .#s#r(#. to li(# in a mor# assur#. #n(ironm#nt!

7urth#r mor# h# %as o' %orth to hims#l'! Wol'gang ha. cli#nts thatn##.#. him plus a 'amil- that %oul. su''#r %ithout him! Chuang .i.n2t

un.#rstan. th# +u#stion #actl- but sai. th# %orl. %oul. b# sa. i' h#

.i.nt li(# that h# %as %orth- b#caus# th# basic natur# o' th# uni(#rs#

is lo(#! ;# also r#port#. to us %hat Mahāk āś-apa sai. ? that li'# an.

.#ath %#r# illusions an. n#ith#r ha. (alu# abo(# th# oth#r! Marc#l

r#'us#. to .iscuss th# matt#r %ith m#! $n 'act h# b#cam# unusuall-

surl- o''#n.#. #(#n! Wh#n %# all gath#r#. 'or th# night $ innoc#ntl-

put th# +u#stion to Carl! ;# ans%#r#. that b- th# la%s o' natur# i' h#coul. achi#(# som#thing b- %hat#(#r m#ans in this cas# going hom#

th#n b- that 'act alon# h# %as %orth- o' it! $saac sai. it %as his @rightA

to go hom#! ;# %as %orth- b#caus# no on# ha. th# @rightA to sa- h#

%asn2t! $n oth#r %or.s h# .i.n2t ha(# to pro(# h# %as %orth- o' li'# it

%as assum#. unl#ss som#on# coul. pro(# oth#r%is#! Which b#si.#s

Marc#l l#'t m#! ..! $t s##m#. th# oth#rs ha.n2t #(#n n##.#. to think

about it!

,i'# %as th#irs to tak#! $ lik# %hat W#rth sai. an. agr##. on th#importanc# o' art but it %as onl- great art that ha. th# kin. o' po%#r h#

%as talking about an. $ am no gr#at artist! Fnlik# ,#na $ n##.#. a

r#ason to sa(or li'# som# transc#n.ing goal o' %hich to stri(# to%ar.9

an. unlik# =ug#n# $ .i.n2t particularl- (alu# m-s#l' just 'or b#ing m#!

No on# count#. on m# lik# Wol'gang an. $ %asn2t so c#rtain about o.



ha(ing a plan 'or m# at l#ast $ sa% no #(i.#nc# in th# raging Chaos o'

th# %orl. aroun. m#! $ coul.n2t bu- that %hol# @might is rightA

nons#ns# o' Carl2s! /n. $ thought th# #act opposit# o' $saac ? $ assum#.

that $ %asn2t %orth- o' li'# an. that $ ha. to pro(# m-s#l' b- using th#

opportunit- li'# a''or.#. to .o som#thing signi'icant or m#aning'ul! 'cours# %ithout kno%l#.g# o' o. it isn2t #as- to sa- %hat that might

b#! 7inall- $ ha. no m#taph-sical notions such as Chuang or

Mahāk āś-apa to h#lp m# out! $ .i.n2t kno% %hat th# h#ll $ %as going to

t#ll :#th! h# 'air- m#ntion#. that %# %#r# @chos#nA b#caus# %# all

un.#rstoo. %hat @mo(#. us!A Not m#! $2(# al%a-s stoo. on air clou.s

cushion m- '##t n#(#r groun.! Wh#n ,#na ask#. m- %hat $ plann#. on

sa-ing $ jok#. @W#ll to .#pri(# th# %orl. o' all th# pl#asur# $ can gi(#

th# %om#n o' th# %orl. *it2. b# a crim# against humanit-A :h# laugh#. but $ '#lt lik# an i.iot! /ll this * stu'' insi.# m# th#s# mur.#rous

#motions .#(astating m# an. all $ sho% th# %orl. is a clo%n mask!

,uckil- Marc#l took th# 'ocus o'' m#! ;# r#'us#. to participat# in

h#ophan2s plan! Y#t h#ophan pro(#. tir#l#ss! @>ut Marc#l b#

r#asonabl# .on2t -ou %ant to h#lp us< :ur#l- -ou .on2t b#li#(# Carl2s

plan %ill bar# 'ruit<A

@,ist#n $ .o #(#r-thing in m- po%#r to h#lp out not b#caus# $ #p#ctthings to chang# but b- .oing th#s# things $ #p#ct to be chang#.! $ am

(olunt##ring m-s#l' to Carls

caus# 'or th# sak# o' m- soul!A

@Marc#l -ou mak# a gra(# mistak#! You must 'irst mak# -ours#l' %hol#

b#'or# -ou can gi(# -ours#l' to a caus#! th#r%is# -ou %ill r#ap no

spiritual b#n#'its!A

@,ist#n 7ath#r $ can not 'ac# :#th $ .on2t ha(# an ans%#r! $t is not

%ithin m- po%#r to gi(# on# * an. .on2t t#ll m# go. has th# po%#r! A

@,a- o'' him h#ophan it tough #nough %ithout ha(ing to soul s#arch!A

=ug#n# app#ar#. s%#ating r#.*'ac#.! ;# s+uatt#. on a boul.#r an.



@;op# m- sill- pri#st is a patholog- o' right p#rc#ption! /n. $ must sa-

$ 'in. it +uit# arrogant to think that onl- -ou ha(# this grac# %hil# %#

poor simpl#tons stumbl# blin.l- about in ignoranc#! A

@Marc#l $t2s just that*A h#ophan2s #-#s #nlarg#. h# 'ol.#. his armsan. clasp#. his han.s tog#th#r looking .o%n h# sai. %ith almost

chil.lik# simplicit- @$ 'in. %h#n bo%ing in pra-#r th# clos#r $ b#n. to

th# groun. th# gr#at#r is this '##ling o' grac#!A Marc#l %as tapping his

'oot impati#ntl- @,ook 7ath#r -ou sa- o. is #(#r-%h#r#<A @$n.##.

;# is h#r# right no% conn#cting us all!A

@:o i' h#2s h#r# th#n %hat matt#rs it %h#r# -ou or $ or an-on# go#s<A

Without %aiting 'or an ans%#r h# storm#. o''! >#'or# l#a(ing =ug#n#

onc# again %arn#. h#ophan not to pr#ssur# Marc#l to l#a(# him b#@You ha(# no ans%#rs h#ophan ma-b# Carl .o#sn2t #ith#r but h# has a

plan that mak#s s#ns#! /n. %#2r# .oing it!A

@You2r# corr#ct $ ha(# no ans%#rs! $ ha(# 'aith! :om#tim#s com'ort is

o' mor# (alu# than

solutions!A

@W#ll $ pr#'#r this col. .#s#rt to th# %arm li# o' -our com'orting 'aith!A

/s h# saunt#r#. a%a- $ h#ar. h#ophan sa- @h#n -ou %ill n#(#r b#

pr#par#. 'or %hat li#s b#-on. this .#s#rt!!!A

hat night %# %#nt to b#. in sil#nc#! nc# %# ha. r#ali3#. that our onl-

hop# lain Carl an. ans%#rs %#r#n2t coming sp#aking

s##m#.!!!!#c#ssi(#! W# all ha. a job to .o! :p#culation %as 'ruitl#ss!

h# r##n 7air- inci.#nt %as #asi#r to ignor# than account 'or! Carl ha.

brought th# .r#aril- sa'# gi't o' ;abit %hich #c#pting a '#% %#2.grat#'ull- #mbrac#. .#'#rring our actual li(ing to th# 'utur#!

7inall- $saac clu#. m# in as to %h- onl- $ ha. gro%n a b#ar. h#r# *

#(#r-on# #ls# sha(#.! h#- us#. a strip o' ,##ch 'l#sh that th#- cut 'rom

aroun. th# mouth #mb#..#. %ith ro%s o' miniscul# ra3or sharp t##th!



$t %as primiti(# but it %ork#.! /'t#r $ ha. sha(#. $ '#lt a bit o'

normalc- r#turn in m- limbs! $ '#lt cl#an#r! im# to go sho% this

han.som# mug o' min# o'' to th# la.i#s or la.- at l#ast! $ sa% Marc#l!

;# %as l-ing motionl#ss on his back #-#s op#n! @;#- Marc#l -ou all

right<A ;# ma.# no mo(#m#nt! $ pok#. him %ith m- 'oot an. his #-#sshi't#. to min#! h#- %#r# #pr#ssionl#ss! @h all right! $ sa% -ou

la-ing th#r# $ just %ant#. to mak# sur# -ou %#r# k!A ;is #-#s shi't#.

back to th# .ark clou.- ski#s! @;a(# -ou s##n ,#na<A >arl#- mo(ing his

lips but cl#ar an. slo% h# sai. @:h# %as %ith :#th last $ sa% h#r!A ;is

(oic# soun.#. hollo% an. ol.! @With :#th< E#all-< $ thought h# scar#.

h#r! k! hanks! Fh -ou n##. an-thing< :om# %at#r!!!!A ;# la- still

#-#2s clou.#. o(#r %ith som# in(isibl# un#as#! $

l#'t him alon# an. h#a.#. to%ar. :#th2s camp! $t %as 'unn- #(#n in a

plac# as small as this %# ha. instincti(#l- mark#. out t#rritori#s! =c#pt

'or Mahāk āś-apa %ho n#(#r mo(#. %# all sl#pt tog#th#r in a group

%ith onl- W#rth an. :#th s#parat#.! h#- ha. th#ir o%n @pi#c# o' lan.!A

$ 'oun. thr## boul.#rs push#. tog#th#r! $ r#st#. m- bulk .o%n on on#!

,#na cam# sasha-ing out o' th# 'og hips s%a-ing! :h# sat .o%n right on

m- thigh light as air cross#. h#r l#gs an. put h#r arms aroun. m- n#ck!

M- h#art lurch#. in m- ch#st a .ark thing s+u##3#. m# insi.#! $ '#lta%'ul! "ur# jo- s%#ll#. up lik# 'r#sh cl#ar %at#r 'rom a gla.# m- spirit

#pan.#. $ took an a# to it an. sho(#. mutilat#. pi#c#s back .o%n no

mo(#m#nt or 'acial tic .i(ulg#. m- '##lings! $ b#tra-#. m- soul

'la%l#ssl-! @;#- .a..-A

$n a 'lat #(#n (oic#. tortuousl- controll#. $ sai. h#llo! his %as th# last

tim# $ '#lt still ali(#! h#- sa- th# %orst .#ath is on# o' th# h#art 'or a

man to %alk up an. .o%n on this #arth %ithout %arm bloo.! :h#

s+u##3#. m#! $ shu..#r#. %ith an #cstas- o' s#l'*.isgust! ut o' th#

corn#r o' m- #-# $ sa% :#th lumb#ring o(#r! @;#2s so lo(abl# just lik# a

%ooki#A sh# s+u##3#. m#! ;# star#. at h#r @Fh that2s th# 'urr- on#

'rom star %ars right<A :#th sat .o%n n#t to m#* us sinc# sh# %as

sitting on m#! @Y#a!A $ ans%#r#.! What< Was sh# a'rai. sh# acci.#ntall-



nam#. Jabba th# ;ut< :h# l#an#. past m- 'ac# an. kiss#. :#th on th#

lips! h# muscl#s o' m- h#art tor# apart! $ l#t out a %oun.#. nois#

@Fgh!A ,#na turn#. to m# @his is m- n#% bo-'ri#n.A

@/r# -ou s#riousA $ #jaculat#.! $ .i.n2t m#an to soun. so shock#.!

@Y#aA :h# ans%#r#.! $ %ant#. to shout @-ou .on2t lo(# him -ou lo(#

m#A ;o% coul.

sh# go 'or him ;# look#. just lik# m# *onl- ugli#r ;is big nos# thos#

thick lips!!!so %hat h# %#igh#. ma-b# sit- poun.s l#ss th#n m# but h#

%as still 'at h#- proc##.#. to mak# out kissing lips car#ssing all th#

%hil# %ith h#r sitting on m- lap! $ coul. '##l h#r muscl#s 'rom h#r l#gs

an. ass shi'ting in m- lap! h#n a barb#. hook tor# into m- h#art * $r#ali3#. i' sh# coul. lo(# this o(#r%#ight man th#n!!!!th#n sh# coul.

ha(# lo(#. me $ coul.n2t b#li#(# it * sh# an ang#l so stunning sh#

coul. ha(# an-on# an. sh#2s so ph-sical =ug#n# lik#. h#r an. sh#

chos# Seth Wh-< hat tim# %h#n sh# ask#. m# %hat $ %as .oing 'or

Hal#ntin#s .a- coul. sh# ha(# r#all- b##n int#r#st#. in m#< ,ittl# ang#ls

%#r# .-ing all aroun. m#! $ sa% ang#ls bloo.i#. on 'ishing hooks that

.ropp#. out o' th# sk- tin- mouths spitting up bloo. all o(#r th#ir %hit#

(#stm#nts! in- s+u#als o' agon- p#al#. lik# b#lls 'rom h#ll as littl# bo.i#s con(uls#. in spasms o' pain th#ir #-#s roll#. back! ;# got up

an. sh# pounc#. o'' m#! h#- #mbrac#. an. kiss#.! ;# ambl#. o''

sa-ing h#2. b# back in a minut#! @:o %hat .o -ou think o' m- n#%

bo-'ri#n.<A

@$ think h#2s ugl-A $t just cam# out! h# ob#s# al%a-s assum# that to

th# 'it 'itn#ss is #(#r-thing9 that th#- look .o%n on our clums-

con.ition in a mitur# o' pit- an. horror at b#st! :h# lo%#r#. h#r h#a.

@Y#a $ kno%! ,ooks ar#n2t #(#r-thing though!!!A a slight %in# to h#r'ragil# (oic#! @Y#a right ,#na th# onl- r#ason -ou2r# %ith him is

b#caus# -our lon#l-!A :h# shot m# a %oun.#. look that %ith#r#. m-

soul! @Ma-b#!!!A :h# s+uirm#. an. bit h#r nails! @h!!!No% $2m going to

b# sa. an. moo.- th# %hol# .a-!!!A ;#r ra% hon#st- th# 'rank %a- %ith



%hich sh# r#(#al#. th# t#n.#r .#licat# b#ing that sh# %as actuall- ma.#

m- h#art skip! $ s%allo%#. a lump in m- throat! $ .i.n2t kno%

ho% to apologi3#! @>ut!!!%hat about all thos# things h# sai.< /bout

s#lling '#tus2s an. *A @;# %as just sa-ing that! ;# lik#s to shock p#opl#!;# %as just ki..ing!A

@You think so< W#ll h# %asn2t ki..ing about )S11! ;#s a .#structi(#

p#rson!A :h# shrugg#. h#r shoul.#rs!

W#rth cam# up b#hin. m#! @What .o ha(# against %hat h# sai.

r#gar.ing )S11<A

@What< Nothing W#rth! M# an. ,#na %#r# just talking!A $ sai. tr-ing to

g#t ri. o' him! ;# noisil- park#. hims#l' on th# boul.#r on# r#mo(#.

'rom min#!

@E#m#mb#r %hat >akunin sai.A W#rth rasp#. @h# passion 'or

.#struction is also a cr#ati(# passion!2A

@;# r#all- is %on.#r'ul $ lo(# him!A :h# sai. it so simpl- lik# an

innoc#nt! $ l#'t '##ling numb! h# r#st o' th# .a- $ %alk#. about in a

stupor! Wh#n it got .ark or at l#ast .ark#r $ s#parat#. m-s#l' 'rom th#

r#st o' th# group! $ collaps#. on th# groun. an. %#pt! ;o% coul. sh#

mak# lo(# to him< h# 'ull #tant o' m- co%ar.ic# o(#r%h#lm#. m#! $'

$ %as just mor# o' a man an. not this scar#. littl# bo- $ coul. ha(# h#l.

h#r an. p#rhaps sh# might2(# r#spon.#.! >ut $ .i.n2t #(#n tr-! hat

night $ laps#. into an #motional coma! h# in(isibl# blank#t o' col. air

that s#parat#. m# 'rom oth#rs 'rom th# %orl. thick#n#.! $n small

int#rmitt#nt gasps $2. lo%#r th# co(#r to st#al a br#ath! $ coul.n2t

'orgi(# m-s#l'! o. ha. gi(#n m# a r#ason to li(# * ,#na! h# on# $2(#

s#arch#. 'or all m- li'#! 7or h#r $ coul. ha(# tol. :#th $ %ant to l#a(#to #p#ri#nc# th# %orl. %ith h#r! $nst#a. $ in(it#. an arm- o' ins#ct

.#mons to .#(our m- h#art $ #(#n cut it out 'or th#m! M#! $ .i. it all

m-s#l'! Not th# cru#l %orl. or soci#t- or th# .#(il $ %as th# on# %ho

lai. si#g# to th# li'#*'orc# burning %ithin! $ %as am .#'#at#. b- m-

o%n motions! / han.



'rom h#a(#n ha. com# .o%n hol.ing th# k#-s to para.is#! >ut that

happin#ss 'right#n#. m# an. $ burro%#. .##p#r into th# murk- pri(at#

h#ll $2. hollo%#. out in th# barr#n plac# %#r# onc# m- soul br#ath#.! $

kno% it soun.s m#lo.ramatic! oo h#a(- han.#.! M#an%hil# in th#

tim# it took 'or -ou to 'orm that c-nical thought .#ar r#a.#r a .o3#n-oung W#rth#r2s ha(# tak#n th# poison! r plung#. o'' th# bri.g#! r

lik# m# k#pt up app#aranc#s an. .o pla- th# part o' human %h#n

alr#a.- a %orm has b#..#. in th#ir h#art!

$nto obli(ion $ sunk! hat night $ ha. a .r#am! $ %as in th# backs#at o' a

small car! Fp 'ront m- 'ath#r .ro(# %ith m- moth#r in th# pass#ng#r

s#at b#si.# m# m- broth#r! $t %as night! "itch black #c#pt 'or a gr#at

sil(#r moon 'loating in th# .arkn#ss %hos# lumin#sc#nc# spr#a. an

##ri# blu# light o(#r #(#r-thing! M- '##t b#gan to itch! $ s+uirm#.

aroun. th#n b#nt .o%n an. took o'' m- sho#s an. socks! E#. %#lts

blotch#. m- '##t! $ scratch#. but th# irritation b#cam# ma..#ning!

7uriousl- $ rak#. m- nails across m- skin 'r#n3i#.! $ sat back to catch

m- br#ath! Wh#n $ look#. back .o%n $ notic#. th# %#lts ha.

conglom#rat#. into a small throbbing moun.s rising 'rom #ach 'oot!

>#'or# m- astonish#. #-#s th# skin bunch#. up on th# sur'ac# an. b#gan

to s%#ll! ;igh#r th#- gr#% until alarmingl- 'oot tall 'l#sh- (olcano#s

pock mark#. protru.#. 'rom m- '##t M- min. sli. past r#alit-mo(ing into th# slo% li+ui. horror o' nightmar# t#rritor-! $ scr#am#.

@Mom ,ook at m- '##t ,ookA :h# t%ist#. aroun. an. nonchalantl-

glanc#. at m- '##t th#n turn#. back %ithout a %or.! h# 'l#sh (olcano2s

%#r# hollo%#. insi.# a blu# light ha. gath#r#. lik# so't #l#ctric mist!

/n urg# to '##l insi.# poss#ss#. m# but $ r#strain#. m- s#l'! @7or go.

sak#s stop th# carA $ shri#k#.!

M- 'ath#r jamm#. on th# br#aks on %# scr##ch#. to a halt! $ tor# op#nth# car .oor an. stumbl#. out! Da-light assault#. m#! h# sun %as

brilliant in th# clou.l#ss sk- bir.s chirp#.! With clums- %i.# st#ps $

hobbl#. onto a gr##n la%n! h#- %#r# hug# Monstrous Moun.s o'

so't 'l#sh in & 'oot tall con#s! $ b#cam# h-st#rical crashing through a

suburban hous#2s .oor%a- into a li(ing room #mpt- #c#pt 'or a



gigantic bro%n so'a looming abo(# m# %ith maj#stic m#nac#! :o't

music pla-#. 'rom anoth#r room! $t gr#% lou.#r!!!a %oman2s (oic#

op#ra singing rich gol.#n ton#. arias! Not#s that .anc#. an. pirou#tt#.

%ith ball#t pr#cision in th# air! =ntranc#. $ 'orgot #(#r-thing! Wa(#s o'

rich gorg#ous music li't#. m# up an. %a't#. m# into an un#arthl- r#almo' pur# bliss'ul soun.! ,ou.#r an. lou.#r it got until th# (oic# b#gan to

pi#rc# m- #ars pain'ull-! M- h#a. rang jarr#. %ith b#aut#ous agon-!

(#r%h#lm#. as a man %oul. b# so th# bibl# t#lls us i' h# %h#r# to

h#ar th# (oic# o' o. an. b# shatt#r#.! $ coul.n2t stan. it lancing

.o%n to m- '##t aghast $ sa% that it %as 'rom th# mouth o' thos# skin*

(olcano2s protru.ing 'rom m- '##t that sang th# music h# not#s o'

cr-stallin# brillianc# burst lik# glass in m- #ar .rum! @$ mustn2t l#t

an-on# 'in. out that this mar(#lous music is coming 'rom m#A $thought! @:top $ sa- +uit itA $ -#ll#. #nrag#. %ith .#sp#rat# '#ar! $

b#gan to b#at thos# moun.s %ith ball#. 'ists in 'r#n3i#. b#rs#rk

poun.ings! >ut still th#- sang * in gol.#n ton#s mor# stunning an.

#+uisit# than b#'or# $ b#cam# 'rantic! 7rom no%h#r# $ grabb#. an a#!

$ rais#. it high h#l. m- br#ath# cl#nch#. shut m- #-#s an. *

;W/C ;W/C * chopp#. o'' both m- '##t! >loo. gush#. in

sick#ning %a(#s glugging in an #pan.ing %in#*r#. pool o(#r th# %hit#

linol#um 'loor! D#liriousl- $ laugh#. 'rom r#li#'! @Y#s -#s -#s A $ k#ptr#p#ating staring

about %ith %i.# unblinking #-#s hal' cra3#.! n m- kn##s $ gath#r#.

up th# bloo.- 'oots an. stu''#. th#m un.#r th# cushions o' that massi(#

couch! 7inall- $ l#an#. against th# couch an. smil#. co(#r#. in gor#

an. bloo.! @hank go.A $ sigh#. closing m- #-#s! / tin- s+u#aking

soun. lik# a 'i..l# pla-#. o'' in th# .istanc#! h# soun. burro%#.

strait to m- brain into m- th# n#r(#s %ithin m- t##th lik# a .#ntists

.rill! Wh#r# %as it coming 'rom!!!h# couch $ li't#. th# cushions an. amassi(# %all o' soun. lik# blaring trump#ts 'rom might- ang#ls hurling

m# back! 7or som# r#ason $ kn#% * it %as th# big to# that is %h#r# th#

soul o' a 'oot li(#s! $ grabb#. th# big to# o' on# o' m- '##t an. snapp#.

th# bon# th#n t%ist#. it o''! /n. th# oth#r! $ ran out si.#! M- moth#r %as

stan.ing in h#r t#rr-cloth rob#! / s#.ucti(# smil# 'litt#r#. across h#r



'ac#! @JonA sh# sai.! :h# toss#. o'' h#r rob# r#(#aling an #maciat#.

li(#r*spott#. sk#l#ton*(isag# br#asts 'lacci. long crook#. 'ing#rs

t%itt#ring in th# %in.! $n on# han. sh# h#l. a bi3arr# m#tallic gun

co(#r#. %ith spik#s! @Jon $ n##. th# #ss#nc# 'rom -our to#!A E#puls#.

an. horri'i#. $ bolt#. on bloo.- stumps tumbling an. cra%ling aroun.th# hous# into a thick l#a'- %oo.! Fn.#r th# .#ns# 'oliag# $ lost h#r!

Ruickl- $ .ug a hol# in th# .ark soil an. buri#. m- t%o to#s! $ '#ll back

an. %ip#. m- mouth! h#n $ '#lt a rumbling! 7rom th# spot $ ha.

s#cr#t#. m- to#s a gr##n st#m #rupt#. 'linging .irt in th# air! $t curl#.

into a hanging +u#stion mark an. a gr##n bu. s%#ll#. 'rom th# tip! $t

bulg#. larg#r * th#n burst spitting out a small 'igur# co(#r#. in a goo o'

amniotic 'lui.! h# tin- p#rson struggl#. to its '##t %iping its#l' cl#an

thro%ing o'' rop#s o' glop! ;an.s on hips it p##r#. up to m#! $t %as m-moth#r nl- gr##n %ith curl- bright orang# hair an. a i#rra :h#

b#gan to laugh pointing at m# no..ing h#r h#a. than pointing to th#

groun.! @No $ scr#am#.

t#aring out o' sl##p into th# thick churning mists o' th# night! $ blink#.!

Col. s%#at .r#nch#. m- cloths! h#ophan2s t%o kin. #-#s 'loat#. in

'ront o' m# @$t %as onl- a .r#am Jon! Your# sa'# no%!A h# h-pngogic

imag# o' that tin- 'igur# sup#rimpos#. its#l' on h#ophan2s 'ac#

%arping it into a gru#som# (ision! $ ha. to g#t out * soon or $ %oul. .i#in this plac#!

Chapt#r %#nt- %o

h# n#t '#% .a-s $ %ork#. in a tranc#! $ .i.n2t look at p#opl#! h#

h#a(- la-#rs o' 'og slo%l- roiling an. bl#n.ing into h-pnotic shap#s all

aroun. lull#. m# into a sp#ll* boun. passi(# stat#! ,#na lik# a school

girl %as r#(itali3#. b- lo(# chatt#ring lik# a bir. on m#th hanging onto

:#th! :h# pos#. 'or him #-#s .arting up%ar. giggling into h#r han. joking aroun. lik# a cartoon charact#r! :till sh# h#lp#. m# an. Marc#l

but sta-#. %ith :#th at night! $t2s sham#'ul but $ us#. to strain m- #ars

to h#ar th#m 'ucking at night an. j#rk o'' tr-ing to g#t clos#r to h#r

an-%a- possibl#! /s usual $ k#pt up app#aranc#s #(#n %hil# m- insi.#s

crust#. o(#r %ith bitt#rn#ss! $ hat#! ;o% coul. sh# lo(# him< h# %or.s



r#p#at#. #n.l#ssl- in m- h#a.! h# #t#rior %orl. 'a.#.! ;o%< ;#2s so

ugl- an. sh# so b#auti'ul! :oon th# %hol# camp kn#%! $ kno% =ug#n#

ha. %or.s %ith h#r! ;# too tro. th# rust*color#. #arth %ith st#ps sull#n

an. h#a(-! Carl %as th# onl- p#rson hol.ing us tog#th#r! ;# tri#. to

k##p up moral# t#lling us that @no% %as th# tim# 'or sacri'ic#A an. thatsoon th# tim# o' r#comp#ns# %oul. com#! @=(#n though pr#s#nt is har.

an. un*'r## %ith jo- -ou must kno% jo- is com# soon! W# .o this 'or

'utur# $s 'utur# th# tr#asur# 'or us li(#sA =(#r- night in his imp#r'#ct

=nglish h# ga(# th#s# p#p*talks! h#- k#pt us going!

During th#s# .a-s $ ha. horribl# nightmar#s! n# night $ .r#amt that th#

int#rior o' m- ol. hous# *th# %alls th# 'loors th# rugs an. b#. sh##ts%#r# co(#r#. %ith '#c#s! $ tipto#. to th# bathroom to %ash th# 'ilth o''!

>ut %h#r# th# sho%#r 'auc#t us#. to b# a gr#at gr##n grinning gargo-l#

%ith rub- #-#s an. black horns s+uatt#. taking a shit in th# bath tub! $

a%ok# naus#as an. p#rturb#.! Marc#l %as shaking m# a%ak# @Jon $2m

sorr- but %h#r#2s h#ophan< $ n##. him!A $ groggil- point#. to th#

oth#r si.# o' our littl# camp! Marc#l .isapp#ar#. into th# h#a(- gra-

mist l#a(ing a small s%irling (ort# b#hin. him!

,at# th# n#t morning $ a%ok#! Marc#l usuall- got m# up but ha.

appar#ntl- 'orgott#n! :u..#nl- %hooping an. holl#ring #rupt#. 'rom out

th# 'og! $saac %as shouting @W# .i. it W# .i. it $ kn#% it oh $ kn#%

itA $ .ash#. o(#r still hal' asl##p! Wol'gang an. =ug#n# %#r# alr#a.-

stan.ing th#r#! @What< What is it<A $saac2s 'ac# %as lit up a sapp- grin

str#tch#. his 'ac# %i.# @W# .i. it Jon $ tol. -ouA ;# grabb#. m# b-

m- shirt an. .ragg#. m# o(#r to th# boul.#r! @,ook Just look at it

>#auti'ul %ork #h<A $ rubb#. m- #-#s 'r## o' sl##p! Eunning .o%n hal'

th# rock * a crack / hairlin# 'ractur# * it 3ig3agg#.! @W#ll go. .amn $%asn2t sur# it2. happ#nA =ug#n# l#t out a %histl#! $saac h#l. m- 'ac#

than grabb#. m# tight his #-#s %#lling t#ars $ hugg#. him clos# #lation

s%#ll#. m- h#art! ;# l#t go! @$t %on2t b# long no% %ill it h no it

%on2t b# long What2. $ t#ll -ou<A ;# slapp#. m- shoul.#r @$ tol. -ou



Carl %as right! W# .i. it W# all .i. it $t %on2t b# long soon soon

right Carl<A Carl chuckl#. into th# ratt-

black b#ar. h#2s gro%n @Y#s Y#s m- 'ri#n.! No% that crack is h#r#

%on2t b# long at all!A ;is tin- #-#s .##p s#t un.#r that mountainous'or#h#a. burn#. %ith (ictor-! ;# pu''#. out his ch#st an. no..#.

@:## s##< What a littl# har. %ork an. som# o' 'in# planning can .o<A

Wol'gang %#nt o(#r an. shook his han. @7in# %ork Carl!A Just th#n

h#ophan cam# stumbling out o' th# 'og panting 'or br#ath h# grabb#.

Wol'gang l#aning on him an. pu''ing @Com#A ;# scr##ch#. @7ollo%

m# Com# no%A #rror ruin#. o(#r his 'ac#! ;# sprint#. a%a- n#arl-

r##ling to th# groun.! W# all 'ollo%#.! 7irst $ coul. mak# out onl-

h#ophan2s black Cossack kn##ling on th# groun.! h#n $ sa% Marc#l

str#tch#. out #-#2s unnaturall- %i.# soull#ssl- staring into spac#! o.

/ stick *th# sharp#n#. stick %# us#. to g#t %at#r 'rom th# l##ch#s * it

stuck in his throat :om#on# ha. stabb#. him r h# stabb#. hims#l'!

oo. lor. %hat a gru#som# %a- to go! >loo. still gurgl#. in .ark

gush#s 'rom his throat pooling on th# .r- #arth b#si.# him! ;is blu# lips

contort#. into a hal' grimac# r#(#aling black gums an. t##th! ;is arms

r#st#. cross#. on his torso! @h *A $saac n#arl- 'aint#.! ;# collaps#. on

his kn##s han. o(#r his mouth shock#. #-#s 'ast#n#. in horror!

h#ophan s%#pt his han.s o(#r Marc#l2s #-#s closing th#m! ;#murmur#. a pra-#r @,or. bl#ss this man ha(# m#rc- on his soul h#lp

bring his soul to p#ac# in th- king.om h#a(#n an. ju.g# him not harshl-

but 'orgi(# his sins! Moth#r o' o. %atch o(#r this soul an. gui.# it

into -our arms sho% m#rc- an. lo(ing to this man an. hol. him in -our

p#r'#ct arms!!!!A /'t#r a mom#nts h#sitation Wol'gang kn#lt o(#r an.

took his puls#! ;# ros# an. sol#mnl- shook his h#a.! @h go. noA $saac

%as blubb#ring! =ug#n# put his han. on m- shoul.#r $ turn#. to m##t

his grim mourn'ul #pr#ssion! ;is #-#bro%s %#r# knit tog#th#r as i'

r#straining a 'loo. o' #motion! Carl rush#. o(#r! @Wh-< >ut %h-<A ;#

look#. aroun. into #ach o' our 'ac#s! @his is trag#.-!!!W#2r# so

clos#!!!Who .i. this< Do#s an-on# kno%<A ;# 'lung out his arms

h#lpl#ssl-! ;# look#. at th# corps# onc# mor# than look#. up @:#thA



@You %oul.n2t l#a(# th# %r#tch#. man alon# $n this go.*'orsak#n

plac# not kno%ing %h- -ou2r# h#r# or 'or ho% long or i' -our #(#r

g#tting out it2s n#arl- impossibl# to k##p -our sanit- h# man %as at

his br#aking point an-bo.- coul. s## it! h#s# past coupl# .a-s h#

bar#l- talk#.! /n. -ou k#pt on him about that m#aning o' li'# bullshit;# %as alr#a.- at th# #.g# an. -ou push#. him right o(#rA

h#ophan star#. at th# groun. shaking his h#a. @No No no no! ;#* $

%as tr-ing to h#lp* $ .i.n2t *uh to coop#rat# $ thought *A

@What is this talk<A Carl thun.#r#.! =ug#n# #plain#. :#th2s proposal

that h# %oul. agr## to coop#rat# in h#ophan2s plan 'or us to

simultan#ousl- push th# boul.#rs i' #ach coul. b- th#ir o%n stan.ar.s

justi'- th# continuanc# o' th#ir li'# an. that Marc#l ha. b#cam# gloom-at th# prosp#ct!

Carl #plo.#. at h#ophan @You pla- into th# han.s o' this ma.manA

;is han. to%ar. :#th! @;o% ;o% coul. -ouA h#n h# turn#. to

Wol'gang @Doctor -ou t#ll m# plan %as stopp#.A

@$ thought it %as i' $ ha. kno%n!!!A

@Wait -ou kn#%<A $ ask#. Carl!

@Doctor t#ll m# at 'irst but h# sa- it stop sinc# Marc#l %oul. not s##

him!A

$ ga(# Wol'gang a m-sti'i#. look! @$ ha. to t#ll Carl Jon! %o comp#ting

plans put too

much strain on th# camp! $ thought Carl shoul. kno%!A

$saac 'l#% into a rag# h# to%#r#. o(#r h#ophan pumping his 'ists@You list#n#. to him< o :#th< Your %ors# than him /t l#ast h# sta-s

b- hims#l' not both#ring an-bo.- but -ou You *A ;is (oic# splint#r#.

in cra3#. 'ur- lips tr#mbling! ;# lash#. out an. smack#. h#ophan on

th# 'ac# @You maniac W#2r# so clos# an. -ou *A ;# smack#. him a

s#con. tim# @ -ou traitor >#hin. m- backA :mack h#ophan roll#.



o(#r tr#mbling mumbling som#thing! @You b#tra-#. usA $saac

continu#. his rant his (oic# no% a high* pitch#. shri#k @You b#tra-#.

m#A $saac2s punch#. h#ophans black c-lin.rical hat o''! $t %#nt

rolling into th# mist! $saac %as .rooling spitting h# snarl#.

inarticulat#l- th#n 'i#rc#l- kick#. th# pri#st in th# ribs! h#ophangroan#. an. curl#. into a ball! $ %ant#. to h#lp!!!but!!!$ look#. aroun.!

Carl2s #-#s %#r# smol.#ring %ith hat#! Wol'gang ma.# a mo(# to h#lp

but Carl put out a 'irm arm baring his %a-! =ug#n# stoo. arms cross#.

cooll- %atching th# action! :#th2s mouth %as op#n $ notic#. ,#na

shi(#r#. b#hin. him in a tin- (oic# sh# %as pl#a.ing @"l#as# :#th .o

som#thing! I don’t want to see this pl#as#A $ st#pp#. 'or%ar. an.

shout#. @/lright man c2mon stop it $saac!A Wh#n :#th storm#. past

m#! N#aring th# action $saac s%ung a %il. 'ist an. clock#. him! :#thstumbl#. but .i.n2t 'all! ;# massag#. his ja% 'iing $saac %ith int#ns#

m#nac#! $saac jump#. at him! :#th batt#. him .o%n %ith th# si.# o' his

arm! Whil# on th# groun. $saac grabb#. a l#g an. bit har. into it! :#th

-#lp#. an. blin.l- kick#. $saac o''! @What th# 'uckA ;# lurch#. at

$saac an. grabb#. his collar th#n %ith his m#at- 'ist bash#. his t##th in!

$saac mouth %as a bloo.- gaping hol#! /gain :#th hamm#r#. him an.

again! h#n $saac kn##. :#th in th# gut! :#th .ropp#. him an. .oubl#.

o(#r %h#n h# look#. up$saac jamm#. a thumb into his #-# an. popp#. it out! :#th strait#n#.

hims#l'! h# #-#ball s%ung at his ch#st b- r#. string- n#r(#s! 7urious h#

smash#. $saac on th# si.# o' th# h#a. toppling him o(#r th#n grabb#.

him b- th# throat an. li't#. him in th# air! $saac 'ac# look#. as i' it %#r#

going to burst! ;# cla%#. 'ranticall- at :#th2s 'ac# %hil# th# li'#

s+u##3#. out o' him! h#n on# han. shot 'or%ar. blin.l- '##ling about

:#th2s 'ac# th#n lo%#r#. 'oun. %hat it %as looking 'or an. snapp#. th#

.angling #-#ball a%a-! :#th l#t out a roar th#n .ropp#. $saac har. to th#groun.! $saac s+uirm#. aroun. gasping 'or br#ath! :#th charg#. 'or%ar.

h#l. him .o%n b- th# n#ck %ith on# han. %hil# m#rcil#ssl- poun.ing

him %ith th# oth#r! $ coul.n2t s## it but #(#r- blo% ma.# a sick#ning %#t

thump lik# smacking m#at! /t 'irst $saac -#ll#. out 'lailing %il.l-! >ut

no% blu# an. bloo.i#. his 'ac# hal' ca(#. in h# ma.# no soun. at all!



:till :#th h#l. him lik# a rag .oll b#ating him (iciousl-! h#n h# stoo.

brush#. th# .irt o'' his kn##s! $ sa% him l#an o(#r an. pick som#thing

up * it %as th# point#. stick =ug#n# ha. .iscar.#. *h# %as m#aning to

stab him! ;# rais#. up his arm paus#. 'or a mom#nt th#n just as h#

b#gan to bring it .o%n an arm shot out an. stopp#. him * it %ash#ophan! @7or th# lo(# o' o. stop this ma.n#ssA ;# t%ist#. :#th2s

arm back an. push#. him o'' balanc# h# stumbl#. back%ar. s%allo%#.

b- th# h#a(- 'og! W# h#ar. a .ull crack! Wh#n %# %#nt to look h# %as

pass#. out bloo. sm#ar#. on th# rock %h#r# th# back o' his h#a. ha.

smash#. into it! ,#na t#n.#. to :#th! Wol'gang lost no tim# in s##ing to

$saac! $ %#nt o(#r an. %atch#.! M- stomach l#ap#. %h#n $ sa% him! ;#

%as utt#rl- unr#cogni3abl#! ;al' his 'ac# %as .ark blu# *not blu#ish but

th# actual color o' a blu# balloon it ha. s%#ll#. up to monstrous proportions! ;a. $ not kno%n b#tt#r n#(#r %oul. $ in a million

-#ars ha(# thought that $ %as looking at a human 'ac#! $t look#. lik# a

grot#s+u# ;allo%##n mask! ;# nos# %as b#at#n in to a pulp! Wh#r# his

mouth ha. onc# b##n a bloo.- chasm gap#. %i.# a coupl# o' t##th

pok#. through th# surroun.ing 'l#sh %h#r# th#- ha. pi#rc#. th# skin!

;is right #-# %as s%oll#n shut a hug# 'l#sh- turnip si3#. %#lt in its

plac#! $ back#. a%a-! @Doctor is h# *A Carl %as asking in a %hisp#r a

look o' t#rri'i#. conc#rn so't#n#. his har. 'ac#! @No $saac is still ali(#!W# mustn2t mo(# him! "l#as# som#on# '#tch %at#r 'in. W#rth! Carl

h#lp m# strip him %# must cl#an his %oun.s! =ug#n# trott#. o'' to '#tch

%at#r! :om#thing on th# groun. caught m- #-# a .ust- pi#c# o'' cloth! $

pick#. it up! $t %as a pi#c# o' rubb#r! No th# pit o' m- stomach sank as

$ r#ali3#. %hat it %as @oh go. no!!!A $ mumbl#. han.ing it to Wol'gang!

@;#r# it must2(# gott#n torn o'' * his #ar!A ;# took it 'rom m# %ithout

comm#nt!

:u..#nl- out o' no%h#r# Chuang app#ar#.! /ll smil#s not talking

an-thing in -#t h# .#clar#. triumphantl- @=(#r-bo.- ;#llo ,ist#n

(#r- goo. n#%s u#ss %hat< $ r#ach top o' hillA his (oic# s+u#ak#.

#cit#.l- @$ s## #(#r-thing $ *A ;is (oic# brok# o'' %h#n h# sa% th#

bloo. splatt#r#. all o(#r th# groun.! ;is ja% .ropp#. in ama3#m#nt



@Whaaaaa<A M- soul appall#. b- this plac# th#s# p#opl# most lik#l-

.isgust#. %ith m# as %#ll tor# out o' m- bo.-! $ stoo. stunn#.! Numb! $

'#lt m- sanit- l#a(ing! /n. $ .i.n2t car#! Not on# littl# bit .i. $ car#!!!

Chapt#r %#nt- hr##

$ .on2t kno% %hat to %rit#! $t %as horribl#! $saac!!!$ r#all- lo(#. him! $

still can2t

morn! ;# li(#. but h# %asn2t th# sam# a't#r! :#th sta-#. compl#t#l- out

o' sight! Carl spok# o' him %ith (#nom! >ut no on# %#nt a't#r him! $

.on2t kno% %h-! Ma-b# th#- %#r# scar#. ' him! Ma-b# %# all %#r# still

shock#.! ,#na nurs#. :#th #(#n though h# r#all- %asn2t much hurt! / bump on th# h#a.! h an. minus on# #-#! h#ophan (isit#. him! h#

r#st o' us pr#tt- much shunn#. both :#th an. h#ophan! Carl actuall-

spit at him! =ug#n# push#. him aroun. a bit! h#ophan took th# abus# in

sil#nc#! What happ#n#. to $saac %as partiall- $ hat# to sa- it his o%n

'ault! :#th2s too #(#n though h# %as onl- tr-ing to h#lp h#ophan! >ut

Marc#l!!! W# all pr#tt- much .#ci.#. it %as suici.# an. that h# %as

r#l#ntl#ssl- tortur#. b- th# pri#st! h#ophan just %oul.n2t l#t up on him!

$2. s##n it! Marc#l $ suppos# ha. no 'aith in h#ophan2s or Carl2s plan!

N#ith#r %ith h#ophan2s mur.#rous p#rsist#nc# ha. h# r#st #ith#r! ;#

must2(# 'igur#. .#ath %as his onl- %a- out! :imilar thoughts o't#n

assail m# #sp#ciall- in .ark mom#nts o' unc#rtaint-! What pr#(#nts m#

most .a-s is a haunting thought ? What i' this black .#spair this

(icious unr#l#nting angst that t#ars m# apart 'ollo%s m# into .#ath<

$' h#ophan blam#. hims#l' $ coul.n2t sa- but h# ag#. o(#rnight! ;is

skin b#cam# sallo% his shoul.#rs mor# hunch#. str#aks o' gra- sho%#.

in his gloss- black b#ar.! /n #pr#ssionl#ss %ast#lan. o' %arin#ssspr#a. o(#r his 'ac#! ;# .i.n2t tr- to sp#ak to an- o' us #c#pt 'or

Chuang! ;# sta-#. %ith ,#na :#th an. W#rth on th#ir portion o' th#

camp! W# .i. no %ork th# n#t .a- but th# 'ollo%ing on# Carl thought

it %is# 'or us to k##p bus-! Whil# %orking alon# no% $2. s## h#ophan

straining an. sho(ing his boul.#r %##ping so'tl- t#ars 'lo%ing into his



b#ar.! /s $2. g#t clos#r $ coul. h#ar him r#citing th# J#sus pra-#r in a

husk- (oic# chock#. o(#r an. o(#r an. o(#r

again @,or. J#sus Christ :on o' o. ha(# m#rc- on m# a sinn#r!

,or. J#sus Christ :on o' o. ;a(# M#rc- on m# a sinn#r! ,or. J#susChrist :on o' o.!!!!A

h# .irt h#r# %as har. .r-! W# ha. no sho(#ls! Marc#l2s corps#

h#ophan on Carl2s or.#rs .ragg#. to th# rim o' th# (all#- an. co(#r#.

him %ith a thin la-#r o' .irt! h# ha3# thick an. gra- obscur#.

#(#r-thing! $ coul.n2t h#lp picturing his bo.- out th#r# rotting!

:om#tim#s $ %oul. strain m- #-#s p##ring into thos# m-st#rious clou.s!

$ coul. .isc#rn la-#rs si'ting slo%l- in b#t%##n h#a(i#r .ark#r strains o'

'og! :om#tim#s th#- app#ar#. to b# illuminat#. 'rom %ithin lik# th# biolumin#sc#nc# o' a .##p s#a cr#atur#! th#r tim#s $ s%or# som#

clou.s h#l. .ull 'lash#s o' lightning! /roun. no% $ b#gan to s##

sha.o%- shap#s 'litting in th# 'og! Coul. th#- b# animals< r m-

imagination< Was th#r# #(#n a .i''#r#nc# b#t%##n th# t%o h#r#< Most

nights %# coul. h#ar th# so't rumbling o' pra-#r as h#ophan chant#.

t#n.#rl- o(#r Marc#l2s corps#! $ %ant#. to (isit but %as a'rai. to 'in.

his bo.- -#llo%#. .#composing blank#t#. b- suckling l##ch#s!!!

hings %#r# so sa. no%! Carl2s hamm#r as h# bang#. on th# boul.#r

r#soun.#. throughout th# plain! Work %as slo%#r! ;# .i. not ask 'or an-

h#lp an. non# %as o''#r#.! "#rhaps out o' r#sp#ct! W# .i.n2t talk about

%hat ha. happ#n#.! Just throughout th# .a- %#2. pass b- Wol'gang to

s## ho% th# pati#nt %as .oing! $saac la- unconscious stabl# but 'or a

high '#(#r! h#ophan an. W#rth sp#nt th# .a-s .igging up l##ch#s 'or

$saac! ;# %as in constant .ang#r o' .#h-.ration! Naturall- th#r# %as

littl# Wol'gang coul. .o just hol. his han. until th# '#(#r br#aks h#

sai.! Mostl- $ %atch#. o(#r him at night l#tting Wol'gang r#st! >#si.#s$2m a natural ,-nchobit# an-%a-! $t %as strang# at

'irst but #(#ntuall- $ actuall- got us# to talking to him lik# that! $n

%hisp#rs $ con'#ss#. to him m- '#ars m- hurt o(#r ,#na things $2(#

k#pt s#cr#t sinc#! =(#n no% %ith m- clos#st 'ri#n.s $ onl- hint at th#



.ark things that mo(# insi.# m#! $ %oul. soun. to th#m $ '#ar

ri.iculous o(#rs#nsiti(#! Moth#r %oul. t#ll m# that as a bo- @h Jon

:top cr-ing -ou2r# too s#nsiti(#A $ +ui#tl- sobb#. o(#r $saac! ;#

look#. so 'rail so brok#n! ;is 'ac# hi.#ous! $ coul.n2t blam# him 'or

snapping but %# shoul. ha(# stopp#. it! h# blam# la- s+uar#l- %ithus as a group!

$t troubl#. m# * %h- %oul. Marc#l .o it< Wh#n $ #pr#ss#. m- .oubts

to Carl h# #nthusiasticall- agr##. @:#th kill himA =ug#n# ho%#(#r

h#l. 'ast to his suici.# th#or-! $t .i.n2t mak# s#ns# to m#! Marc#l ha.

pl#nt- to li(# 'or! /n. %h- %oul. h# go to h#ophan 'or con'#ssion

Marc#l ha. his o%n 'aith ? h# b#li#(#. in i.#a2s! @Ma-b# li(ing in this

plac# stripp#. all his pr#t#nsions a%a-!A =ug#n# sai. @$n aca.#mia it

might s##m that th# %orl. turn#. on i.#a2s but it is th# h#art2s '#ars an.

.#sir#s that trul- mo(# r#al 'l#sh an. bon# p#opl# into action!! $' -ou cut

m# op#n -ou %on2t 'in. an- philosophical 'ragm#nts! Just bloo.!A

@:o -ou think his most tr#asur#. b#li#'2s rust#. into shit h#r#<A $ %as

sk#ptical!

@ ,ist#n to a gu- lik# that i.#a2s %#r# mor# r#al than p#opl#! h#ophan

k#pt pushing an. pushing him h# coul.2(# b#com# .isillusion#. %ith#(#r-thing that h#l. m#aning 'or him! ;# just coul.n2t acc#pt it!A

@$ .on2t b#li#(# it! $ r#m#mb#r t#lling him that $ thought in a %a- :#th

%as right to rag# against this %orl. to hat# it an. h# just turn#. to m#

an. sai. :om#tim#s -ou n##. to acc#pt that this %orl. is unacc#ptabl#

or -ou2ll ha(# no p#ac#!2A

@What a man sa-s an. %hat go#s on insi.# him ar# t%o .i''#r#nt

things!A 7or th# sak# o' justic# as it #ist#. in this plac# an-%a- Carltol. #ach o' us to tak# a %##k in(#stigating an. pr#s#nt our cas#! :#th

%oul. b# put on trial *in'ormall- %ithout his kno%l#.g#9 =ug#n#

.#'#n.ing him an. $ th# accus#r! Wh#n $ prot#st#. Carl 'i#. m# in his

st##l- ga3# @,ook i' som#on# .i. mur.#r %ho %oul. it b#< Who #ls#

but :#th <A /ctuall- $ coul.n2t trust an-on# h#r# $saac an. :asha onl-!



Wh- not =ug#n# < Marc#l an. him al%a-s clash#. h#a.s! $ .i.n2t sa-

an-thing though! hings %#r# t#ns# #nough! $ took th# position!

h $2ll t#ll -ou %hat Chuang sa% or claim#. to! Eight about th# tim#

th# mur.#r or suici.# took plac# Chuang ha. b##n pushing his boul.#r!/t a c#rtain point %ith much strain an. s%#at an. #''ort Chuang '#lt a

rush o' #n#rg- his cal(#s burn#. as i' on 'ir#! ;# practicall- sprung

ah#a. automaticall- his l#gs lik# automatic springs! ;# '#lt %#ightl#ss

th# 'og normall- .#ns#r th# high#r on# go#s thinn#. out an. part#. a

path 'or him! h# rock normall- cool to th# touch '#lt %arm almost

ali(#! $t2s sur'ac# s##m#. to r#act to his touch! /s h# sho(#. th#

boul.#r all b- its#l' b#gan to buck up th# inclin# in littl# j#rks an.

starts s%i(#ling high#r an. high#r! 7inall- his '##t hit hori3ontal lan.!

;# rais#. is h#a. an. p##r#. .o%n at our (all#- th# mist s##m#. all to

churn count#r clock%is#! h#n h# skipp#. aroun. th# boul.#r to s##!

h# (ista clubb#. him in th# ch#st lik# a bat! ;# '#ll to on# kn##! n all

si.#s as 'ar as th# hori3on in all .ir#ctions str#tch#. an in'init# s#ri#s

o' (all#-s just lik# our o%n millions o' th#m :om# shrou.#. in 'og

som# aglo% %ith ##ri# blu# light som# s##mingl- 'ill#. %ith blu# li+ui.!

n# b#lch#. h#a(- black smok# up into th# pal# clou.l#ss sk-! ,#aning

o(#r h# star#. .o%n

into th# a.jac#nt crat#r! :mall sha.o%s 'litt#. across th# rim anoth#r

s%arm#. %ith %il. animals lik# rats! ;# b#cam# .i33- %ith th# (ast

ma3# o' .#pr#ssions! $n on# n#ar*b- 'l#shl- shap#s slo%l- roam#.!

:+uinting his #-#s th#- cam# into 'ocus * "#opl# M#n %oman chil.r#n

#(#n h#- %or# no cloth#s! ;is h#art b#at h# %as about to shout out

%h#n h# sa% th#m grappling %ith on# anoth#r rolling about on th#

groun. attacking #ach oth#r! h#n h# look#. clos#r * th#- %#r# ha(ing

s# =(#n th# chil.r#n * %#r# th#- chil.r#n< ;# glanc#. a%a-! ;is #-#slan.#. on anoth#r (all#- this on# str#%n %ith o.. statu#s car(#. 'rom

rock! /n ol. %#ath#r#. man %ith %hit# hair %as car(ing on# out o' a

boul.#r lik# th# on#s %# ha. h#r#! h#- %#r# #longat#. #maciat#.

'igur#s lik# iacom#tti sculptur#2s! / lou. s+u#al p##l#. 'rom Chuang2s

boul.#r it rock#. back an. 'orth than plung#. back .o%n our (all#- h#



l#ap#. 'or it tumbling .o%n along si.#! :inc# th#n h# hasn2t b##n abl#

to r#p#at his (ictor-!

$ 'or on# thought it ri.iculous! Wol'gang agr##.! ;# sai. at Chuang2s

ag# 'unn- things start to happ#n to th# min.! "lus %ith hallucinog#nicspi.#rs cra%ling about it %as a miracl# %# %#r#n2t all .#lug#. %ith

nons#nsical (isions! $t coul.2(# b##n a hologram! ..l- %h#n $

r#port#. th# stor- to W#rth h# simpl- no..#. kno%ingl- an. sai. @Y#s!

H#r- accurat#!A Dra%ing out th# %or. (#r-2!

@:o -ou .on2t 'in. an-thing particularl- unnatural about Chuangs

.#scriptions<A $ ask#.! :louch#. on his boul.#r h# r#pli#. @h# natural

an. natur# h#rs#l' must b# r#j#ct#. an. trans'orm#. b- art an. th#

imagination!A

h#ophan .oubl- in #il# 'rom th# r#al %orl. as %#ll as our camp

hu..ling n#arb- m##kl- ass#rt#. that natur# must b# @transc#n.#. in

unit- an. r#.##m#. b- th# hol-

spirit!A

W#rth mumbl#. @D#ar go. %hat 'oolishn#ss!A

h#ophan continu#. @ W#rth $ .on2t s## %h- -ou so (#h#m#ntl- mock

m- b#li#'s! You put po#tr- in th# plac# o' o. but man- major po#ts

%#r# Christians * Dant# Milton ;opkins!!!A

@;#r#tics all !A W#rth %a(#. th# pri#st2s sp#culations asi.# @>#si.#s $

can s## %h- po#ts %oul. con(#rt to Christianit- *'or n#% m#taphors!A

h#ophan look#. tak#n aback! ;# shook his h#a.! @You ar# mistak#n

W#rth th#- ar# s#arching 'or that thing 'or %hich li'# is th# m#taphor A

$n th# #n. lik# most things in li'# it pro(#. simpl#r i' %# ignor#.

Chuang2s sighting! $ r#gularl- (isit#. ,#na! :h# stuck in m- min. lik#

glass! :#th %rapp#. a strip o' cloth .iagonall- aroun. his h#a. co(#ring

his goug#. #-# hol#! :##ing thos# t%o tog#th#r m-sti'i#. m#! $2(# n#(#r

b##n smitt#n %ith a %oman! =(#r! Which %as no matt#r! /ll m- li'# th#



'air#r s# has look#. upon m# %ith utt#r r#(ulsion! $ hat# going out in

public! =(#r- tim# $ catch a %oman2s #-# $ s## that mom#ntar- 'lick#r o'

panic o' .isgust th#- st##l th#ms#l(#s an. look a%a-! /lthough #(#r-

onc# in a%hil# it %ill happ#n that $ %ill catch som# %oman2s star# th#

pr#tt- girl at th# sup#rmark#t ch#ckout 'or instanc# an. sh# %ill hol.m- ga3#! / '##ling o' onc# again b#longing to th# human rac# 'lush#s

through m- limbs an. th# %orl. go#s 'rom gra-s to brilliant r#.s

-#llo%s purpl#s blu#s an. gr##ns! :h# han.s m# m- chang# %ith a smil#

bull.o3ing m- h#art a%a- an. brush#s m- han. %ith h#rs an. $ bath# in

%arm gol.#n light! >ut ,#na!!! h# on# p#rson that grabs m- h#art trul-

th# on# an. onl- on# an. b- absur. chanc# sh#

also is th# on# %oman that coul.2(# lo(#. m#! h#ophan %as right $

stabb#. go. through th# ch#st %h#n $ hi. m- h#art a%a- 'rom h#r! Wh#n

%# %#r# alon# $ ask#. h#r @Wh- him< $ gu#ss -ou just can2t r#sist th#

ba. bo- t-p# huh<A

@W#ll $2m a ba. girl $ n##. to b# spank#. No!A :h# glo%#.!

@>ut .o -ou usuall- go 'or that t-p#< $ r#all- .i.n2t p#g -ou as a girl

%ho go#s 'or th# ba. bo- thing!A

@$ gu#ss!!!!A :h# pon.#r#. %ith a 'ing#r pois#. on h#r scarl#t lips h#r#bon- #-#s 'loating in a (oi. o' '#mal# m-st#r- @$ .on2t kno% %h-! $

think ba. bo-s gi(# o'' an air o' lik# s#ualit- an. con'i.#nc# -ou

kno% th#ir kin. o' aloo' but !!!th#ir att#ntion is totall- 'ocus#. on -ou!

n# touch o' th#ir han. on th# small o' m- back m#lts m- ab.ominal

muscl#s to hon#- "lus ba. bo-s kno% #(#r-thing about '#mal#

anatom- ho% it %orks and th#- l#t -ou kno% %ithout actuall- sa-ing a

%or. about s#!A

:#! $t al%a-s com#s .o%n to that! $ onc# h#ar. a '#mal# ps-chologist

sa- that m#n marr- 'or th# n#ck up an. %om#n marr- 'or th# n#ck

.o%n! 7or som# r#ason that asp#ct o' '#mal# s#ualit- 'right#n#. an.

r#(olt#. m#! $t s##m#. an ultimat# ju.gm#nt on m- 'ragil# manhoo.!

alking to Marc#l %h#n $ 'irst 'oun. out $ sai. that ,#na %as insan# to



.at# :#th it coul.n2t possibl- last! ;# .isagr##. @;#2s a goo. lo(#r sh#

%ont l#a(# him!A $ %as stunn#.! / goo. lo(#r< Who th# 'uck car#s< hat

shoul.n2t #(#n matt#r! What about a man2s t#n.#rn#ss an. lo-alt- his

lo(# a''#ction an. appr#ciation< /noth#r tim# $ %as hinting at m-

lon#lin#ss an. Wol'gang ask#. m# point blank @What .o -ou ha(# too''#r a %oman<A $ thought 'or a mom#nt! Nothing! No job prosp#cts 'or

th# 'utur# #motional or 'inancial s#curit-! his lon#lin#ss is a cr#ation

lo(ingl- cra't#. all b-

m-s#l'! :till $ al%a-s lik#. th# Christian attitu.# s# as an impur#

(#rsion o' a mor# p#r'#ct kin. o' lo(# to b# r#plac#. or trans'orm#.

into a lo(ing .#(oi. o' carnalit- in'us#. b- pur# soul'ul lo(# in th#

a't#rli'#! >ut th#n again $ hat# m- bo.-! hat is %h- $ think p#opl#

although #asil- #n(isioning h#ll b#ing intimat#l- ac+uaint#. %ith

su''#ring rar#l- .#pict h#a(#n in lit#ratur# b#caus# th# human min. can

not 'athom %hat li'# %ill b# lik# a't#r s#! nc# $ put it to W#rth ho%

coul. ,#na so 'ull o' li'# b# %ith :#th poison#. b- r#s#ntm#nt an.

ruin! ;# 'i#. m# %ith his .#a. #-#s an. stat#. %ith th# utmost

simplicit- that it %as ob(ious @,o(# an. D#ath s## th# %orl. th# sam#

%a-A h# sai.!

$ coul.n2t g#t an- in'o out o' :#th so %h#n th# %##k %as up $ ha. no@#(i.#nc#A to pr#s#nt to Carl! >#si.#s $ tol. him that $ ha. no int#ntion

o' con(icting :#th! $t is th# soul o' Marc#l %hich %ill b# on trial! $ onl-

sa- h# .i. not kill hims#l' %ho ma- ha(# .on# it %as no conc#rn o'

min#! Carl sai. to tak# anoth#r %##k! $n th# m#antim# h# an. Wol'gang

ha. an i.#a! Carl plann#. to .rug :#th %ith th# acti(# hallucinog#nic

spi.#r conc#ntrat# Whil# .#lirious Wol'gang %oul. sup#r(is# an. tr- to

.isco(#r th# truth o' Marc#l2s .#ath! h#- sai. it %as (ital that %#

.#t#rmin# i' a mur.#r#r lurk#. in out mi.st2s! h# i.#a sat ill %ith m# but in th# #n. '#ar %on out! Wh#n $ clos#. m- #-#s th# sight o' :#th

brutall- bashing in $saacs 'ac# r#pla-#. #n.l#ssl-! Wol'gang ga(# his

%or. it %oul. b# human#!

M#an%hil# $saac2s '#(#r brok#! ;# r#gain#. consciousn#ss! $ %oul. la-

his misshap#n h#a. in m- lap an. $ brush back his tu'ts o' hair! ,ooking



up at m# $ imagin#. h# smil#. in such a .is+ui#ting unnatural %a- it

ma.# m# %inc# an. crat th#

sam# tim#! ;# %as horribl- .#'orm#.! n# #-# us#l#ss! Nos# crush#. in!

Minus an #ar! ;is #ntir# 'ac# lopsi.#.! Wh#n h# tri#. to talk h# mostl-sputt#r#. an. .rool#.! ;# %as lik# a go. .amn in'ant bli(ious to %hat

%#nt on aroun. him! ;# %oul. pla- %ith m- hair an. babbl# lik# a bab-!

$ p##r#. .##pl- into his on# goo. #-# but coul. 'in. no sign o' him!

$saac %asn2t th#r#! / blank uns##ing ga3# m#t min#! $t %as too

appalling $ ga(# him to h#ophan! @;#r# -ou car# 'or him! $ cantA $

brok# .o%n h-st#ricall- sobbing %##ping into m- han.s! @,i'#2s a

'ucking nightmar#A $ croak#.! =(#r- tim# $ look#. at $saac or #(#n just

thought o' him all th# sa.istic cru#lt- o' th# %orl.2s in.i''#r#nc# cam#

crashing into m- soul burning m# lik# aci.! $t sick#n#. m# that such a

thing coul. #(#n happ#n! =sp#ciall- to $saac! ;# %as so goo.! / tru#

innoc#nt! What bullshit $' this is th# pric# %# must pa- 'or th# gi't o'

'r## %ill th#n l#t o. tak# it a%a- $ thought! ak# it a%a- no% >#'or#

som#thing #ls# t#rribl# happ#ns W#2r# too 'ragil# too br#akabl# too

scorn'ul an. (in.icti(# an. brutal to li(#

Chapt#r %#nt- 7our

:#th >ump ongu# in 7ing#r >la.#s

@;#2s r#a.-!A Wol'gang al#rt#. us! ;is l##ch %as spik#. #arli#r! h# 'og

lain a thick blank#t o' ominous gra- ! Carl an. $ sil#ntl- ros# an.

'ollo%#. him! h#r# %as :#th! ;# %as l-ing motionl#ss on his back

#-#s op#n ga3ing strait ah#a. as Marc#l ha. b##n th# last tim# $ sa%

him ali(#! =ug#n# h#l. ,#na in his larg# arms com'orting h#r

#plaining %hat %as happ#ning! :h# ga(# m# a look hurt an. b#tra-#.!

$t pi#rc#. m-

soul %ith 'r##3ing ic#! Wol'gang %#nt o(#r to W#rth %hisp#r#.

som#thing to him th#n cam# back an. kn#lt .o%n b#si.#s :#th! W# all

'orm#. a circl# aroun. th# t%o! :#th2s #-#s %#r# bloo.shot op#n



unnaturall- %i.#! / slight tr#mbl# in his han.s! ;is lips %#r# .r- an.

crack#. s%#at .ripp#. o'' his b#at r#. 'ac#! Wol'gang look#. up at us

@;# thr#% up #arli#r! ;#2s %#ak no%! ;is r#sistanc#2s an. ps-chological

barri#rs ar# .o%n but %# must b# g#ntl# a man2s ps-ch# can b# a

'ragil# thing! Do -ou %ant m# to ask about Marc#l<A Carl no..#.! @k but r#m#mb#r much o' his talk %ill b# con'us#. .#lirious an. %# %ill

lat#r ha(# to sort it out!A ;# b#nt .o%n an. ask#.! >ar#l- mo(ing his

lips :#th b#gan sp#aking in a n#arl- inau.ibl# lo% rumbl#! W# l#an#. in

clos#r! :om# %or.s $ ma.# out th#- %#r# coming in a rush his #-#s

burn#. '#(#rishl-! :u..#nl- his (oic# jump#. *cl#ar an. lou. h# spok#

@ man li(#. simpl- an. in union %ith th# ao but man b#gan to harbor

illusion o' s#l'*su''ici#nc- this l#. to .#partur# 'rom th# ao %hat

Christians r#'#r to as th# 'all inst#a. o' naturall- li(ing accor.ing to Kth#Wa-K man no% has to 'ac# at #(#r- turn th# .#cision Kshoul. $ 'ollo%

th# %a-<K this %as part an. parc#l %ith a gra.ual shi't 'rom simplicit- to

compl#it- through out th# %orl.9 monoth#ism to pol-th#ism his

,ogos not onl- #ists #t#rnall- cr#at#s an. gi(#s light L.#spit# m#ns

un%illingn#ss to s## ;# also took 'l#sh an. m#n b#h#l. his glor-!K

/stonish#. %# look#. to on# anoth#r in ama3#. ba''l#m#nt! Wol'gang

glanc#. at us an. shook his h#a. %a(ing his han. as i' to sa- @pa- no

att#ntion to all that!A

@:#th calm .o%n :#th! his is Wol'gang $ %ant -ou to t#ll us about

Marc#l! What happ#n#. to Marc#l< Conc#ntrat# on Marc#l * Marc#l

:#th Marc#l!A :#th la- th#r# motionl#ss! ;is br#ath b#cam# labor#.!

@You kno%A W#rth sai. @;# is much mor#

lik#l- to chann#l Marc#l2s spirit than ans%#r -our +u#stions!A Wol'gang

shush#. W#rth! :#th2s arms b#gan s%inging %il.l- about! =ug#n# an. $

kn#lt an. h#l. th#m .o%n! :#th b#gan rambling con'using hal'*s#nt#nc#s an. 'ragm#nts pour#. out o' his mouth nons#nsicall-! ;# %as

tossing an. turning @h# stor- b#gins %h#n a philosoph#r .r#ams h# is

a butt#r'l-A :#th articulat#. in cl#ar sp##ch! Wol'gang turn#. to m#

@o g#t Chuang h# can h#lp int#rpr#t this!A Within minut#s $ r#turn#.

%ith him! >- no% th# '#(#r ha. r#ach#. its p##k :#th %as incoh#r#nt! /



str#am o' (#rbiag# .isori#nt#. m# $ lost m- balanc# an. ha. to sit! $ l#t

th# .#lirious torr#nt o' %or.s 'lo% through m- min. .ro%ning m# in its

con'us#. .iatrib#! :#th ? @;is is .isori#nt#. b- this trans'ormation until

oth#r butt#r'li#s %#lcom# him into th#ir group an. h# comp#t#s %ith th#

cham#l#on o(#r th#ir multi*color#. app#aranc#s h# b#com#s in#briat#.'rom th# lil- thus #n(#loping him %ithin this #cos-st#m an.

harmoni3ing %ith all o' cr#ation consi.#r#. to b# th# sourc# o' both

#ist#nc# an. non*#ist#nc# or.#ring principl# o' th# uni(#rs#! ;is is

.isori#nt#. b- this trans'ormation him into th#ir group an. h# b#gins to

b#ha(# as to his app#aranc#! ;# pl#asur#s comman. m# not 'or mortal

h#r# his b#ha(ior is harmoni3#. that %orri#s o' '##lings such as

j#alous-! h#s# asp#cts o' aoists b#li#(# th#- human in accor.anc#

'lam# hot much! :till th- throat2s gurgl# 'org#t an. l#a.s link b#t%##n#ars too 'ull o' tar kno%s strait#n#. tongu# .o#s through th#

#n(ironm#nt aroun. him an. his r#lationship %ith that all cr#ation an.

#n(ironm#nt arr#st art*t#st ha(# no oth#rs a butt#r'l-s that harmoni3#

m- .isco(#r natur# .#monstrat#s th# ao! $t is o't#n to list#n an. or.#r

;# comp#t#s %ith th# cham#l#on o(#r an. $ b#gin butt#r'li#s cr#ation

'rom his .r#am acc#pting th# 'act that h# is a li'# is .#'in#. #arli#r b-

th# .r#am#rs r#.uction o'

human li'# natur#! aoists .o%n th#s# arti'icial a't#r th# oth#r ;# com#sto #njo- his li'# as a butt#r'l- until h# %ak#s 'rom his harmoni3ation o'

cr#ation hom# unc#rtain our lot h# .r#am#r oth#r r#ali3#s that in or.#r

to b# on# %ith harmoni3ation! h## r#(#als that humanit- is ignorant o'

th# %a-s o' cr#ation an. thus b#ha(# s#n. $ h#.g#hog uns##n to span.

gui.# th## his p#rsonal .i(isi(# un.#rstan.ing an. %ill to th# spiritual

a%ar#n#ss o' cr#ation or th# human li'# an. butt#r'l- li'# ar# b#li#' that

consi.#r#. th# mo.# to b# th# sourc# o' both #ist#nc# an. non*

#ist#nc# cr#ation r#ali3#s? %ho a butt#r'l-s .r#am not .i''#r#ntiat# b#t%##n .r#am an. consciousn#ss parabl# th#r#'or# h#.g#hog uns##n

7orgi(# 7org#t o''#ns# app#aranc# an. bit b- bit! is plac#. on th# an.

th# parabl#! Your #ntitl# thus #-#s o' cl#ar#r th#ir multi*color#.

app#aranc#s h# b#com#s in#briat#. 'rom th# lil- th# p#rsonal %ill or

an. car#'r## %a- o' li'#! hou ,ight#r spot in h#a(#ns b#t%##n human



r#all- b#cam# a butt#r'l-! ;#.g#hog uns##n tak#s in th#ir this this is a

r#turn to this b#t%##n .r#am an. b- its compl#t# Wa- or th# natural

com#s to r#ali3# in th# .r#am asp#ct %ithin aoist b#li#'s an. %ithin !

/n. $ b#gin butt#r'li#s ! >utt#r'li#s as h# that h# parabl# th#r#'or# an. $

b#gin butt#r'li#s th# o' non*action! >- a.opting oth#r butt#r'li#s ! ao is%hat aoists .r#am#r #m#rg#s this spiritual a%ar#n#ss natural or.#r

%ithin th# #cos-st#m %ith his #go! >utt#r'li#s coa him into butt#r'l-

acc#pts his i.#ntit- as a butt#r'l- onl- %h#n h# o' min# to th## parabl#

th# %orl.! ao b#t%##n human li'# r#a.-! ill th#n b#li#(# is 'air gi(#

harmoni3#s an. his aoist on# in %hich all #+ualit- in %ithin ha(#

com# opposition to th# r#at harmoni3ation %ith #gotism to cr#ation is

also an important th# .r#am#r b#ha(#s th#n as b#'itt#. his s#nsual non*

action #+ualit- %h#n h## o' aoism ar# all a part o' on# .omain shot%#lcom# 'org#t .istinctions! ,#ap

into th# boun.l#ss an. mak# it -our th# .r#am#r can b# roughl- o' th#

uni(#rs# an. $ b#gin butt#r'li#s $ instruction (ision about pr#cis#l-

b#caus# humanit- has stra-#. 'rom this in %a-s that .isrupt call ma- not

to accurat# no% %ill +ui#t ;#a(#nl- harmoni3ation truth i.#nti'ication

an. harmoni3ation sp#ak %ith th# .r#am#r is abl# to b#com# on# again

%ith this spiritual a%ar#n#ss! /n. ar# all a part o' th# sam# Ru##n '

'airi#s m# b- an. bo% b#'or# long butt#r'l- b#caus# th#- b#'or# it an.cr#ation has %ithin this #cos-st#m an. b##n brok#n .o%n! his 'ollo%s

th# lost its %a- %h#n it %as l#. an. 'or th# .r#am#r in th# boun.ari#s

an. is abl# to s## th# aoist 'aith o' .#ath an. complicat#. .o or th#

'orc# b#hin. th# natural or.#r! Domain shot %#lcom# aoist jasmin#

#mphasis propri#t- an. #thics #mphasi3# an. hon#-suckl#

consciousn#ss until th# n##. 'or rul#s to -ou $ sa- ? tak# not# li'#

butt#r'l- uni(#rs# stat#. to b# th# 'lo% 'ollo%s man- o' th# pr#c#pts

h#.g#hog uns##n ma-b# m- li'# is onl- min.s p#opl# on# to a arti'icial#n(#loping him parabl# 'or h#r# this harmoni3ation or human astra-

'rom th# in'lu#nc# .i(i.#. him 'rom is bitt#rl- torm#nt#. b#caus#

butt#r'l- li'# is so car#'r## asp#cts thus harmoni3ing '#ars that k##ps th#

uni(#rs# balanc#. r#. b#li#(# an. $ b#gin butt#r'li#s an. animal .r#am

an. harmoni3ing %ith all o' cr#ation b#li#'s in a r#lati(ist is o' insp#ct $



th- %orthin#ss in aoist thought ! Wh#n h# %ak#s h# an. or.#r#.

butt#r'l-s! Wh#n th# .r#am#r r#ali3#s th# .istinctions a making all th# to

m# .o as th# .r#am#r th# .i(isions that humanit- plac#s asp#cts o'

human li'# ar# harmoni3#. ! /s 3u %rit#s in Discussion th#s# him to on

things #+ual 'org#t th# -#ars9 that l#ss#n#. natural must! ao is b#li#(#.to b# his %aking li'# an. .r#aming li'# his natur# th# humanit- .i. not

app#ar to him to b#tt#r un.#rstan.ing o' %hit# is startl#. b- r#alit-! >ut

upon r#'l#ction h# r#ali3#s that

his %aking li'# coul. b# 'or .r#am! /rr#st a %arlik# through b- 'ir#2s

bla3ing! o a or.#ring principl# o' th# uni(#rs# 'ocus#s harmonic accor.!

Di(ision on %u %#i non* action spontan#it- humanism an. #mptin#ss!

;is ph-sical app#aranc# ao is associat#. %ith natur#! With natur# .u#

aoism t#ach#s that this link br#ak barri#rs A

=(#ntuall- th# %or.s sputt#r#. out! ;# calm#. .o%n an. b#cam# sil#nt!

Wol'gang an. h#ophan %ho ha. app#ar#. to%ar. th# #n. %atch#.

o(#r him that night! W# n#(#r a.mitt#. to ,#na W#rth or h#ophan that

:#th ha. b##n .rugg#.! W# simpl- sai. it must ha(# b##n a spi.#r bit#!

:#th hims#l' r#co(#r#. +uickl-! ;# r#m#mb#r#. littl#! Chuang an.

Wol'gang .iscuss#. %hat ha. b##n sai. but $ .oubt it h#lp#. an-! $t

%asn2t a loss though! Wol'gang ha. manag#. to pil'#r a l#tt#r 'rom:#th2s pock#t! $t %as a..r#ss#. to ,#na! :h# must ha(# gi(#n it to :#th

to r#a.! h# l#tt#r %as 'rom Marc#l! $t r#a. as clos# as $ can r#call as

'ollo%s ?

D#ar ,#na

$s it possibl# to actuall- b# hop#l#ss < Wh#r# th# soul is numb#. an.

.i(orc#. 'rom a p#rsons li'# his is $ think th# #act stat# man- an

alcoholic 'in.s him or h#rs#l'! ' cours# thos# in prison ar# in an #(#nmor# .#sp#rat# n##. o' hop#! >ut it is onl- ph-sical Lth# l#ast

important not moral m#ntal or spiritual autonom- that is tak#n! $t is

ironic that most criminals mor# than an-thing #ls# ha(# a morbi.

int#ns# horror o' imprisonm#nt 9 an. -#t th#ir (#r- actions much lik#

th# alcoholic ar# .#sign#. to los# th#m th# (#r- thing th#- ch#rish



most ? 'r##.om ! You kno% $ us#. to %ithout thinking stupi.l- sa-

things lik# @ $ coul.n2t li(# %ithout music!A an. th#n $ 'oun. m-s#l' in

prison surroun.#. b-

concr#t# st#al m#tal .#spair (iol#nc# an. onl- countr- %#st#rn musican. >aptist pr#ach#rs on m- ra.io! $ li(#.! ;op#l#ssn#ss strik#s m# as

th# gr#at#st o' all #(il illusions! You %oul. kill -ours#l' < hat surpris#s

m#9 %hat i' that (#r- #p#ri#nc# Lprison that -our 'init# s#l' abhors is

th# i.#al s#tting 'or th# sp#ci'ic kin. o' spiritual gro%th -ou n##. <

Don2t -ou b#li#(# th# uni(#rs# constantl- conspir#s to t#ach us < hat

p#opl# ar# put in our path an. (ic# (#rsa b#caus# th#- N==D to b# th#r#!

7rom %h#r# #ls# b#si.#s th#s#s 'orc#s .o#s a %itch .ra% his or h#r

po%#r < Don2t -ou b#li#(# #(#r- #(#nt #(#r- occurr#nc# is rich in

signi'icanc# that %#r# %# abl# to s## th# %orl. %ith #-#s a bit %is#r

%# coul. th#n crack op#n th# s#cr#t r#asons 'or our li(#s an. r#a. th#r#

th# hi..#n m#anings < /n. all this is (i#%ing -our imprisonm#nt 'rom

th# bas#st most gross an. #goc#ntric (i#% point! What about oth#rs <

Ma-b# its not about -ou! "#rhaps -ou %oul. m##t som#on# or man-

som#on#2s %ho n##. -ou!!!an. -ou %oul. b# .#pri(ing th#m o' th#r#

o%n spiritual gro%th! /r# -ou so sur# o' -ours#l' o' -our int#rpr#tation

o' #(#nts that -ou %oul. th%art th# b#st lai. plans o' th# :pirits %ho

'or#(#r gui.# us <

"rison $ b#li#(# is an #(il thing! >ut #(il s#r(#s a purpos#! /s o#th#

onc# sai. o' th# .#(il in 7aust2 @that po%#r that 'or#(#r %ish#s #(il -#t

'or#(#r .o#s goo.!A $2ll gi(# -ou an #ampl# $ kn#% an. .#spis#. a gu-

%ho us#. his sarcasm lik# a poison#. .agg#r! h#n on# .a- $ h#ar. him

t#aring into this oth#r p#rson %hos# arroganc# an. s#l' right#ousn#ss $

hat#.! ;# cut this p#rson .o%n to si3# an. $ r#ali3#. that although a

prick h# k#pt #(#r-on#2s #go in ch#ck an. sos#r(#. a b#n#'icial 'unction!!!!"rison is a humiliating an. inst#a. o'

'ighting $ l#t it br#ak m#! /s Conra. onc# ha. a charact#r in 2lor. Jim2

sa- ?



@/ man that is born 'alls into a .r#am lik# a man %ho 'alls into th# s#a!

$' h# tri#s to climb out into th# air as in#p#ri#nc#. p#opl# #n.#a(or to

.o h# .ro%ns!!!th# %a- is to th# .#structi(# #l#m#nt submit -ours#l'

an. %ith th# ##rtions o' -our han.s an. '##t in th# %at#r mak# th#

.##p .##p s#a k##p -ou up!A

>ut no% $2ll sp#ak practicall-! h# 2t#rminal uni+u#n#ssA that all

alcoholics ch#rish so passionat#l- is in th# #n. th# absur. con(iction

that th#- can #ist %holl- 'or th#ms#l(#s so th# big book sa-s @%# ha.

to stop pla-ing o.A! in oth#r %or.s a p#rson b- th#ms#l(#s %ithout

an-thing gr#at#r to r#'#r to is .oom#.! $n criminals an. alcoholics both

th#r# s##ms a strang# (#ng#'ul attitu.# to%ar.s th#ir o%n past an. a

blin. b#li#' in th# right#ousn#ss o' th#ir %ill against 7at# .#ri(#. 'rom

an int#ns# #goism in'lam#. b- r#sistanc# an. a .#sir# almost .#spit#

th#ms#l(#s to pla- ha(oc %ith an-thing that has .#'i#. th#m *b# it lo(#

or an #motion or a 'l#sh- p#rson! $t has o't#n b##n r#mark#. that th# root

o' most languag#s 'or #(il is clos#l- r#lat#. to isolation! Without th#

#pr#ss#. prot#ction o' th# go.s th# %orl. t#ars us asun.#r! W# n##.

not #(#n ackno%l#.g# th#m consciousl- but n#(#r th# l#ss still 'ollo%

th#ir l#a. l#st %# stroll into som# .ark un'orgi(ing %oo.! Without th#ir

light %# stumbl# blin.l- in .arkn#ss our o%n lon# spark shin#s but

'##bl- an. can illuminat# a .istortion onl- th# .ark#r sha.o%s stillsurroun.ing!!!

:ta- strong ># sa'# * Marc#l

W# coul.n2t b#li#(# it * Marc#l ha. b##n in prison $ too ha. b##n * a

-#ar b#hin. bars 'or .rug sal#s! $ start#. asking aroun.! ,#na although

n#(#r in jail sp#nt t%o -#ars in a communit- r#hab 7or alcohol abus#!

Chaung along %ith his #ntir# 'amil- ha. b##n imprison#. as a bo-

suppos#.l- accor.ing to his 'ath#r .u# to som# ta .isput# %ith th#local pr#'#ct! Carl at 'irst balk#. but th#n a.mitt#. to ha(ing sp#nt a

night in jail s#(#ral tim#s 'or .ri(ing %hil# intoicat#.! Mahāk āś-apa

%h#n +u#ri#. sai. simpl- @th# monk#- min. is a prisonA %hat#(#r th#



h#ll that m#ant! =ug#n# a.mitt#. h#2. sp#nt s#(#ral %##ks incarc#rat#.

b#caus# o' communist an. anarchist acti(iti#s! @$ %as -oung

'oolish an. stupi. #nough to b#li#(# in politics!A h# sh##pishl-

#plain#.! h#ophan bl#% m# a%a- %h#n h# sai. that h# ha. li(#. in asp#cial camp 'or sit##n -#ars h# Eussian go(#rnm#nt consi.#r#. him

a @political .issi.#ntA .u# to his r#ligious b#li#'s! $n 'act although $

must sa- it soun.#. too outrag#ous to b# tru# h# tol. m# that b#t%##n

pri#sts nuns an. monks n#arl- &00000 Christians ha. p#rish#. in

camps just lik# his o%n an. o(#r a min. shatt#ring t%#nt- M$,,$N

oth#rs total! ;# call#. :talin @;itl#r2s big broth#r!A W#rth shock#. m#

too! ;# ha. sp#nt on# night in jail 'or h#roin poss#ssion an. s#(#ral

%##ks in a .rug r#habilitation c#nt#r in #ntuck-! :#th %# alr#a.- kn#%

ha. .on# tim#! No on# kn#% about $saac but $ r#m#mb#r him t#lling m#

about b#ing 'ir#. 'rom %ork b#caus# o' a particularl- s#rious s#ual

harassm#nt charg#! ;# claim#. innoc#nc# %hich $ b#li#(# but it .i.n2t

s##m 'ar*'#tch#. to think h# coul.2(# b##n jail#.

'or a short tim#s! What Marc#l ha. .on# to %arrant his imprisonm#nt

nobo.- kn#%! No% %# ha. a hug# clu#! =ach o' us ha. b##n con'in#.

'or long p#rio.s o' tim# *

that %as our conn#ction! "lus man- o' us %r#stl#. %ith .rug an. alcohol

a..iction! 7inall- most o' us %#r# pro'oun.l- brok#n p#opl#! @Wh#r#

th# crack app#ars in our human soul that is %h#r# o.2s light shin#s

throughA sai. h#ophan! h#r# %as onl- on# probl#m! Wol'gang

claim#. innoc#nc#! h# onl- innoc#nt man h#r#!

,#na a.mitt#. that Marc#l ha. gi(#n h#r th# l#tt#r t%o .a-s b#'or# his

.#ath! Wol'gang tol. h#r that it ha. m#r#l- '#ll out o' :#th2s pock#t

%h#n th# '#(#r s#nt him %rithing! :h# list#n#. to this #planation %ithsom# sk#pticism! W# still ha. to .#al %ith Marc#l2s .#ath! Carl s#arch#.

Marc#l2s pock#ts an. 'oun. a 'ol.#. not#book %ith th# stub o' a p#ncil

insi.#! /lmost all th# pag#s ha. b##n ripp#. out! / +uart#r o' a on#

r#main#. intact! $t %as co(#r#. %ith minut# scribbling! =(#ntuall-



Wol'gang .#ciph#r#. it! /ll o' us barring :#th an. Mahāk āś-apa

hu..l#. aroun. th# 'ir# %hil# h# r#a. it to us! $t r#a. as 'ollo%s ?

7or a long tim# #(#r- tim# $ %itn#ss#. injustic# som# impo(#rish#.

soul .ri(#n b- %ant o' s-mpath- to suici.# th#n %ith a satanic surg#o' right#ous in.ignation $ %oul. rag# against go. m- bil# 'illing his

ski#s %ith broiling hat#! $t ma- com'ort som# to aim such (irtuous

prot#st at th# .#(il or anoth#r imag# th# human min. can summon up

%ith %hich to stu'' that outlin# %ith its o%n p#r(#rt#. goo.n#ss an. so

as i' b- som# primiti(# but (ain rit# #orci3# th# #(il %ithin9 or #ls#

'iguri3# sicX th# chaos %ithout9 but th#- 'org#t that #(#n :atan has a

part to pla- an. is as n#c#ssar- an. propitious as a (#g#tabl# or king or

mart-r!

o#th# sa-s rightl- %h#n h# sa-s o' th# .#(il that 'orc# %hich %ills

'or#(#r #(il an. .o#s 'or#(#r goo.! 7inall- though $ manag#. to gro%

a bit9 'or on#2s conc#ption o' th# %orl. cannot matur# as >#rgott# has

sai. until th# conc#pt o' blam# is susp#n.#. 'rom on#2s ps-chological

(ocabular- an. r#plac#. %ith un#as- unc#rtaint-! $ ha(# l#arn#. to trust

no p#rson r#ligion s-st#m o' philosoph- or political part- that claims

th# capacit- to #plain9 that is %h- $ pr#'#r most th# Christian %a-

%hich is st##p#. in .arkn#ss an. m-st#ri#s an. o''#rs not ans%#rs but%hat is o' much high#r %orth com'ort! Man- tim#s $ ha(# h#ar. a

%i.o% in h-st#rical sobs b#gging a th# pri#st to t#ll %h- 'or %hat

r#ason .i. o. tak# a%a- h#r husban. so goo. an. in th# gr##n o' li'#9

'or th# pri#st %ith #-#s %is# in sorro% to ans%#r th# onl- s#nsibl# truth

th#r# is @$ .o not kno%! $t is 'or o. to kno% such things! rust in ;im!

$t is th# onl- %a- to p#ac#!!!A Most lik#l- this %ill har.l- consol# th#

%oman an. sh# %ill not 'in. a contain#r 'or h#r r#li#' until r#a.ing

som# n#% ag# book sh# .#ci.#s to b#li#(# that in accor. %ith som##ast#rn r#ligion h#r husban. chos# his o%n .#ath on a spiritual l#(#l or

#ls# h# is con(#rt#. into pur# #n#rg- or r#incarnat#.9 or b#tt#r -#t all

this* h#r gri#' an. lon#lin#ss his .#ath th# injustic# * is all unr#al a

pla- a .r#am 'rom %hich %# %ill on# .a- a%ak# an. laugh at ho%

s#rious %# took it an. that non# o' this m#ans an-thing or carri#s an-



signi'icanc# an. th#r#'or# all is an illusion Ma-a an. it2s absur. to

mak# so much out o' .#lusion! Christ2s m#ssag# that all this does

matt#r what we do counts is lost in th# a(alanch# o' #ast#rn %is.om

unra(#ling 'rom anci#nt scrolls in long -#llo%s mil#s !!!!!

;#r# th# pag# tor# o''! @:o h# %as a Christian!A $ sai.! @Di. -ou kno%

that h#ophan<A ;# no..#. @h# grac# o' o. is pr#s#nt #(#n in this

plac# an. Marc#l %as abl# to s## past his pri.#'ul int#ll#ctualism an.

'in. ;im!A

@h#n h# .#'init#l- %oul.n2t ha(# kill#. hims#l'!A $ sai.!

@Who kno%s ho% strong his 'aith2 %as!@ =ug#n# sai. @/n. r#m#mb#r

th# night b#'or# h# ma.# a con'#ssion to h#ophan! ;# cl#arl- '#lt guilt-about som#thing!A

@uilt-< ' %hat uilt-< $s %hat %oul. h# b#ing guilt- o'<A Carl

n##.l#.! =ug#n# thr#% his arms in th# air! @You think b#caus# o' pri#st

%# ar# in this pr#.icam#nt<A Carl ask#.! @"ri#st! W# must kno% %hat it

is h# is sa-ing to -ou that night! $s #ss#ntial! $ kno% -ou ha(#

sup#rstition to not t#ll but h# is .#a. no%! nl- m#at! Don2t -ou '#llo%s

b#li#(# in soul go#s to h#a(#n< :o h# is on clou. no% %ith harp! You

sa-!A

h#ophan insp#ct#. his '##t! @$ can not sa-!A ;# %hisp#r#.!

Carl got right in his 'ac# @You %ill sa- What ar# -ou hi.#< Ma-b# -ou

kill him b#caus# h# %oul. not ob#- -our planA h#ophan gasp#.

o''#n.#. th#n cross#. hims#l' s#(#ral tim#s! $ spok# up @,ist#n Carl $

sinc#r#l- .oubt h# kill#. Marc#l! h#ophan -ou .on2t ha(# to t#ll us

#actl- %hat h# sai. but %# n##. to kno% som#thing! ,ist#n som# o' us

ar# scar#. to .#ath h#r#! W# n##. to kno% i' th#r#2s a maniac runningaroun.! $t .o#sn2t #(#n ha(# to b# on# o' us! Ma-b# som# oth#r gu-

'rom o(#r th# hill cam# an. .i. it $ .on2t kno% but -ou gotta t#ll us

something!A



@You ar# 'ucking m#nac#!A Carl spit out th# %or.s %ith (#nom #-#s

s##thing %ith s#rp#ntin# hat# @You shoul. b# on# to .i# *not himA ;#

rush#. h#ophan knocking him to th# groun. th#n storm#. into th#

night! h#ophan sta-#. in th# .irt! hrough t#ars str#aming .o%n his

torm#nt#. #pr#ssion h# %hisp#r#. in a %hining hollo%#. (oic# #-#supturn#. b#s##ching h#a(#n @;# just k#pt killing %aiting 'or o. to

stop him!!!!'orgi(# m# Marc#l $ .o not kno% ho% to li(# %ith this sin

#ating m- h#artA

Chapt#r %#nt- 7i(#

/lmost on# -#ar lat#r h#r# $ am! 7#b 14th

&008! M- moth#r sinc# $ li(#

at hom# has gi(#n m# a h#art shap#. E##s#2s "#anut >utt#r Cup! / tin-car. is attach#.! @7rom Maggi# Lm- .ogA it sa-s! h#ophan ga(# m# a

r#ason to .o this * %rit# a no(#l! ;# sai. th# #(#r-on# must cr#at#

som#thing l#a(# som#thing b#hin. b#'or# th#- .i# a trac#! $t can b#

an-thing but h# m#ntion#. a book sp#ci'icall-! ;# sai. it %oul. bring

jo- to oth#rs a't#r $2m .#a. an. a pi#c# o' m# %oul. li(# in th#m! h#r#

%as onl- on# con.ition @$t .o#s not matt#r %hat it is it can b# a 'lo%#r

plant#. an-thing but it must not b# .on# 'or -ours#l' but 'or o. an.

oth#r p#opl#!A $ c#rtainl- can not claim this is #ntir#l- 'or #ith#r! /n. it2s

not th# b#st thing $ can .o! $ .ra% much b#tt#r! >ut no on# %ill #(#r s##

m- .ra%ings! $ .o not kno% ho% to lo(#! $ can hop# onl- that this book

'in.s its %a- into som#on#2s n#gl#ct#. han.s! Who kno%s it might #(#n

sa(# a li'#! "#rhaps m-

o%n!!!

M- min. s##th#. in h#a(ing %a(#s o' 'rustrat#. appr#h#nsion! $t s##m#.

to b#

taking Carl 'or#(#r to crack th# rock! /n. Marc#l2s corps# %hich lain

th# .arkn#ss onl- a '#% -ar.s a%a-!!!an. poor $saac $ coul.n2t #(#n

look at him! h#ophan took him on %alks! Wh#n th#- n#ar#. m# $saac

glomm#. onto m- %aist snuggling right up hol.ing on to m- arm to



support hims#l' bright #-# staring into min# grinning an. .rooling

min.l#ssl-! ;#2. start laughing or cr-ing 'or no r#ason at all! 't#n

tim#s h#2s thro% 'its an. h#ophan %oul. ha(# to calm him b- rubbing

his b#ll-! h $saac You %#r# onc# a man

n# .a- as %# sat aroun. th# 'ir# W#rth han.ing out 'r#shl- gath#r#.

l##ch#s Wol'gang turn#. to him an. ask#. @W#rth -ou2r# so +ui#t

What .o -ou mak# o' all this<A W#rth cl#ar#. his throat spat on th#

groun. scratch#. his chin sa-ing @$t s##ms cl#ar to m# that %# ar# th#

prison#rs o' an ali#n 'orc#!A

@/li#ns /r# -ou s#rious<A $ l#t out!

@What .o -ou think spirits ar#<A ;# turn#. his anci#nt (isag# m- %a-@h#- ar# ali#n b#ings that #ist outsi.# th# bo.il- thr## .im#nsions!

/ng#ls an. .#mons th#- ar# simpl- anoth#r nam# 'or ali#n b#ings o'

comp#ting camps that is %ith contrar- int#r#sts!A h#ophan upon

h#aring this r#mark#. @hat is a trick 'rom th# .#mons this notion o'

ali#ns! $t is to rob th#s# (#r- r#al .#monic b#ings o' th#ir spiritual

signi'icanc# an. in that %a- th#- can still op#rat# but %ith th#ir tru#

.#monic natur# .isguis#. un.#r th# guis# o' ali#n2!A W# all ignor#.

him!@:o %#2r# b#ing #p#rim#nt#. on<A $ sai. it lik# $ 'oun. th# #ntir#

busin#ss +uit#

amusing but th# truth %as %# all %#r# star(ing 'or ans%#rs *an-

ans%#rs!

@$t2s har. to sa-! $ %oul. sa- %# ar# at %ar or mor# accurat#l- our

souls ar# th# groun.s 'or particular con'licts! You s## to #nact ph-sical

chang#s a spirit must in'#ct a b#ing %ith a bo.-*humans*%ith an i.#a ori.#olog-! $ sugg#st that th#- ar# using us in'#cting us %ith (arious

i.#ologi#s to .#t#rmin# ho% %# act an. ho% #''#cti(#l- %# can b#

manipulat#.!A

@;a(# -ou uh s##n th#s# spirits<A Wol'gang ask#.!



@nc# -ou a.mit th# possibilit- o' th#ir #ist#nc# -ou s## th#m all o(#r!

=(#n right no%! ,ook!A $ s%#ar $ coul. s## shap#s mo(ing in th# 'og!

@h#r# ar# animal spirits all aroun. us p#rhaps prot#cting us!!!th#

h#.g#hogs th# Ru##n promis#. $ pr#sum#! :h# cl#arl- is on our si.#!r $ shoul. sa- m- si.# * th# si.# o' ,i'#!A

@>ut!!!;o% #actl- %oul. th#- in'#ct us<A $ ask#.! W#rth snort#. as i'

m- +u#stion %#r# lu.icrousl- na(#!

@:impl# h#- r#plac# -our soul! / pi#c# o' it an-%a-! ,ook at Marc#l!

What %as h# .oing %ith that sharp#n#. stick< Wh- .i. h# not approach

an-on# 'or h#lp< ;o% is it that h# +uit# su..#nl- con(#rt#. to

Christianit-< h# Christianit- (irus is on# o' the most pot#nt! / min.can #asil- b# in'#ct#.! ,ook at th# %orl. no% *%# ha(# an #ntir# plan#t

'ill#. %ith soull#ss bloo.thirst- Christians all thinking alik# bo%ing

scraping th#ir kn##s mouthing th# sam# #mpt- phras#s in unison ! $ts

purpos# as th#- %ill t#ll -ou is to %ip# out all trac#s o' .i(#rsit-! /ll

p#opl# unit#.2 un.#r on# go.! =(#r-on# th# sam#!!!-#s!!!A

h# things W#rth sai. gr#atl- .isturb#. m#! 't#n $ '#lt o''*balanc#

m#ntall- a't#r con(#rsing %ith him! hat night $ ha. a nightmar#! $

.r#amt Wol'gang an. Carl %#r# hol.ing m# .o%n! $ tri#. to scr#am butonl- billo%s o' black smok# #scap#. m- mouth! $ sa% Wol'gang pull out

a hug# glass s-ring#! $nsi.# $ coul. s## a gr##n pra-ing mantis! $t cock#.

its h#a. an. obs#r(#. m# %ith its larg# black o(al ali#n #-#s! Carl li't#.

up m- shirt! Wol'gang jabb#. th# n##.l# into m- stomach an. pr#ss#.

th# plung#r! $ l#ap#. up * panick#. conc#ntrating int#ns#l- to s## i' $

coul. '##l an- mo(#m#nt o' th# ins#ct insi.# m#! @$ts cra%ling in -our

(#insA Wol'gang laugh#.! ,#na skipp#. up to m# an. slapp#. m- 'ac#

@You ha(# an inj#ct#. pra-ing mantis in -our h#art -ou asshol#A :h#'loat#. a%a- into th# sk-! $ start#. to '##l a tickling in m- throat! M-

h#art poun.#. (iol#ntl-! $t2s coming up $ thought $ op#n#. m- mouth to

th# sk-! :lo%l- its gr##n triangular cat 'ac# app#ar#. gra.uall- it ros#

until its upp#r torso %as (isibl# %a(ing its pinc#rs an. ant#nna#! $t

ga3#. .ir#ctl- at m#! $ .i.n2t kno% %hat to .o *shoul. $ tran. grab it<



$t climb#. back in! $ '#lt its l#gs cra%ling .o%n m- throat! $ look#. to

Wol'gang! H#r- sol#mnl- h# spok# @No% -ou ha(# a broth#r! $t %ill la-

#ggs!A =ggs $ a%ok# shri#king into th# so't .arkn#ss! Dr#nch#. in

s%#at $ tri#. to calm th# b#ating in m- ch#st!

N#t .a- $ .#scrib#. th# .r#am to W#rth! $t startl#. him @Carl is making

a suici.al mistak#A ;# sai. but r#'us#. to #plain %hat h# m#ant! ;#

sai. $ coul. not un.#rstan.! hat m- min. %as too pollut#. to a''i n#%

i.#as to! "ollut#. %ith %hat $ %on.#r#.!!!!

h#ophan brought $saac aroun. to s## m# an. g#t %at#r 'rom W#rth!

Dribbling an. spitting $saac bang#. on th# .irt min.l#ssl- as W#rth

tri#. to '##. him a l##ch lik# a bottl#! Wh#n %# ma.# #-# contact m-

h#art %oul. %ilt! $ grimac#. an. l#t an in(oluntar-

soun. o' .isgust!

@$ thought -ou t%o %#r# clos# 'ri#n.s!A h#ophan sai.!

@Y#a!!!%# %#r#!!!it2s so tragic!!!-ou kno%!A

@Wh- .on2t -ou sp#n. mor# tim# %ith $saac! $2m sur# h# miss#s -ou!A

@Mor# tim# %ith him< ;#2s practicall- a (#g#tabl# $t br#aks m- h#art#(#r- tim# $ s## him!A

@>ut Jon think ho% lon#l- h# is it2s not about -ou! hink ho% $saac

must '##l!A

$ b#cam# anno-#. @You kno% -ou2r# partiall- r#sponsibl# 'or him b#ing

that %a-! You kn#% Marc#l %as a thinking man!A

@$ kno% that $ .o not .#s#r(# this li'#!!!!A h#ophan hoars#l- %hisp#r#.t#ars %#lling in his haunt#. #-#s!

$ continu#. @$ coul.n2t #(#n 'in. a r#ason that justi'i#. m-s#l'! $ m#an

ho% can -ou rationali3# a human li'# * %ith all th# .#struction %# .o

#sp#ciall- to th# #n(ironm#nt just b- li(ing! Can -ou r#all- justi'- our



sp#ci#s li(ing at th# #p#ns# o' anoth#r2s<A h#ophan2s hurt ga3#

so't#n#. m- h#art h# sai. @You %ill n#(#r justi'- -ours#l' b- %a- o'

thought r#ason or rationalit-! nl- lo(# can justi'- a %orl. lik# ours

st##p#. in so much corruption an. sin! 7or th# man %ho b#li#(#s not in

lo(# nothing can b# justi'i#.! 7or th# man in lo(# #(#r-thing is!A

W#rth 'inish#. '##.ing $saac th# bottl#! ;# ros# on cr#aking kn##s @You

ar# c#rtainl- corr#ct in that it is not possibl# 'or on# to r#ason on#s#l' out

o' this nightmar#! $t is b#tt#r simpl- to oblit#rat# all rational thought!A

:#th ambl#. up ,#na clinging to him! @;#llo bo-sA :h# sai.! :#th ha.

r#co(#r#.

compl#t#l-! ;# look#. at $saac hanging onto h#ophan n#arl- pullinghim .o%n! @$s that -our sin -ou carr- pri#st<A :#th ask#. on# #-#bro%

arrogantl- rais#.! h#ophan so'tl- ans%#r#. @;# is m- broth#r! /s ar#

-ou! $ .o carr- sins ho%#(#r! hough $ ha(# labor#. 'or m- int#ntions to

ha(# b##n pur# in all things!A

:#th %#nt to $saac an. look#. him o(#r! @Christ! / 'ucking sham#! $

.i.n2t %ant this to happ#n! ;# put it on hims#l'! Wh-2. -ou mak# m#

'uck -ou up -ou stupi. prick< $t .i.n2t ha(# to happ#n!!! W#ll 7ath#r

-ou kno% %hat th#- sa- th# roa. to h#ll is pa(#. %ith goo. int#ntions! $ b#li#(# that! /n. its opposit# $ b#t is just as tru# * th# roa. to h#a(#n is

pa(#. %ith #(il int#ntions What .o -ou think o' that<A

@$ think all things l#a. to goo.!A

@=(#n that<A ;# point#. at $saac! h#ophan %as sil#nt!

@You kno% %hat $ think 'ath#r< $ think go. cr#at#. all o' us so h# coul.

b# ju.g#. obj#cti(#l-! /'t#r all a p#rson can2t ju.g# th#ms#l(#s th#-2r#too bias#.! Wh- #ls# %oul. %# b# born %ith such an int#ns# hung#r 'or

justic#< W#2r# h#r# to ju.g# ;im! hat2s %h- h# b#cam# man to s##

%hat it '#lt lik# to li(# in this shit hol#! ur tortur#. n#r(#s * that2s th#

tru# li(ing bibl# /n. naturall- ;# 'oun. t#rribl# injustic# *th#- kill#.

th# gu- ;# .i.n2t #(#n prot#st!!!Wh- .o -ou th#n< $ am o.2s onl- tru#



.iscipl# h#r#! $ acc#pt it all *#(il an. goo.! You2r# th# on#s %ho tr- to

chang# it tr- to 'i it tr- to #scap# it! oo. an. ba. su''#ring an. jo-

it2s all on# to m#! You s## $ kno% som#thing -ou .on2t ? th#r# is no

solution hat2s %h- $ %ast# no tim# s#arching 'or on#!A

@$ kno% onl- t%o things :#th! $ .on2t claim an- sp#cial %is.om! $ kno%

-ou must .i# to this %orl. an. $ kno% *A

@:p#ak 'or -ours#l' $ pr#'#r to cr#at# m- o%n %orl. $n m- o%n

imag#!!!A W#rth mutt#r#.! h#ophan took no notic# @ * an. $ kno% -ou

must lo(# -ours#l'! You must lo(# -ours#l' to th# point o' s#l'*hatr#.A

;# took $saac2s han. an. hal' carri#. him a%a- again asking m# to

com# (isit $saac mor# o't#n!

Chapt#r %#nt- :i

“OPEN YOUR EYES”

h# 'og %as thick an. still that .a-! $t lain .ark sil#nt clou.s! W#

gath#r#. aroun. th# rock a%aiting Carl! =(#r-on# but Mahāk āś-apa

an. W#rth cro%.#. aroun. it! ur #-#s k#pt lock#. on #ach oth#r! @$2m

so #cit#.A ,#na laugh#. n#r(ousl-! No on #ls# spok#! Carl cam# out o' th# .arkn#ss! @o.a- m- 'ri#n.s is th# .a-! W# all %ork har.! h#r# has

b#ing man- stri'# an. tragic! >ut $ promis# -ou all r#m#mb#r< Wait on#

.a- it %ill pa- o'' * that .a- is no% :tan. back!A ur #-#s glu#. on th#

.iagonal crack cutting .o%n n#arl- th# #ntir# circum'#r#nc# o' th#

boul.#r! $t %as about to gi(# %a-! Carl rais#. his arm high in th# air his

'ist clutching th# black rubb#r han.l# o' th# hamm#r! / smil# cr#pt

across his 'ac#! With a might- grunt h# brought it .o%n * crack >its o'

rock an. .ust 'l#% in th# air! /gain *crack / thir. tim# * crack ;#

stoo. back panting! :lo%l- th# .iagonal top o' th# rock b#gan to gi(#%a-! $t sli. grin.ing apart! Carl put his boot to it an. sho(#. crashing it

cam# .o%n ;# ha. brok#n th# boul.#r in hal' ,#na shri#k#. %ith jo-!

Carl b#am#.! Wol'gang %#nt o(#r an. shook his han.! >lack smok#

clung to th# sur'ac#! h#n h#ophan grabb#. m- arm an. point#.

@,ookA



W# all star#. as a light gr##n lump ros# 'rom th# mi..l# o' th# rock! $t

#nlarg#. until th# mist s#parat#. an. %# coul. mak# out * a 'ac# /n

in'ant Cl#ar orang# slim# oo3#. o(#r th# si.#s o' th# gra- ston#! h#

in'ant sli. out gra.uall- thu..ing to th# groun. %ith a %#t 'lop! $tlook#. almost rubb#r $t2s #ntir# bo.- light gr##n! $t la- on th# #arth

'ac# .o%n unmo(ing %hil# th# thick orang# s-rup .ripp#. on it2s back!

$ coul.n2t '##l m- han.s! $ %#nt numb! $ rais#. th#m to m- 'ac# th#n

lo%#r#. th#m! W# all star#. .umbl-! h# %armth .rain#. 'rom m- bo.-!

M- l#gs b#gan to shak#! $ coul.n2t control th#m! $ h#ar. a thu. b#hin.

m#! ,#na ha. 'aint#.! @$s .r#am<A Carl2s (oic# crack#.! h#ophan ha.

his han.s h#l. out in 'ront o' him! h#- %#r# tr#mbling (iol#ntl-! $

b#cam# light h#a.#. $ strain#. to hol. on to consciousn#ss! @What th#'uck< What< What is< What*A :#th stutt#r#.! $saac tor# out 'rom

b#hin. h#ophan an. thr#% hims#l' laughing into th# orang# slim#! ;#

li't#. th# bab- b- its 'oot upsi.# .o%n th#n turn#. it right poking it2s

'ac# an. giggling! W# %#r# all too shock#. an. horri'i#. to stop it! ;#

sni''#. th# top o' it2s h#a. th#n stuck out his tongu# an. b#gan licking

th# bab- cl#an! W# %atch#. paral-3#.! =(#r-thing mo(#. in j#rk-

'ram#s! >lu# an. %hit# stars t%inkl#. at th# corn#rs o' m- (ision! $

h#ar. tinkling scr#ams r#(#rb#rating #choing 'rom insi.# th# hollo% o'

th# boul.#r! $saac2s tongu# sli. o(#r th# in'ant2s clos#. gr##n #-#li.s! $

'#lt m-s#l' 'l-ing 'loating in air! h#n $ notic#. that $ %as 'alling

inst#a.! M- (ision %#nt black an. $ kn#% onl- .arkn#ss!

@p#n -our #-#sA / so't '#minin# (oic# lik# a cool br##3# car#ss#s m-

aching consciousn#ss pulling it to%ar.s th# light! @p#n -our #-#sA

:il(#r b#lls in th# .istanc# @p#n -our #-#sA sh# %hisp#rs! =-#li.s

op#n an. str#aks o' light gli.# o(#r m- #-#balls

lik# kni(#s on ic#! @p#n -our #-#s! h#-2r# %aiting 'or -ou!A :h# h#lps

m# to m- '##t! :om# corrosi(# li+ui. sli.#s o(#r m- brain as $ tran.

think! :h# pulls m# along! :h#2s %#aring a black rob#! $ stumbl# to k##p

up! @:it h#r#! ##p -our #-#s op#n!A $ tr- to 'ocus but can2t! ;a3-

'igur#s sit about m# in a circl#! $n th# .istanc# $ h#ar high pitch#.



s+u#als! h# %oman stan.s o(#r m#! ;#r 'ac# com#s into 'ocus! $t2s

,#na! :h# han.s m# a bo%l! @W#2(# all partak#n! ;#r#! =at it!A @What<A

$ manag# to hal' articulat# b#'or# sh# (anish#s into th# s%irling mists! /

(oic# 'rom som#%h#r# * @$t2s salt! =at it! $ng#st it all!A $ rub m- #-#s!

/m $ .r#aming < @=atA / (oic# thun.#rs! $ scoop out at han.'ul an.sho(# it in m- mouth! M- #-#s %at#r imm#.iat#l-! $ b#gin hacking an.

coughing spiting up gobs o' mucus! @##p going! =at! =at th# salt #at

#at #at !!!A h#- b#gin to so'tl- chant! #ars str#am .o%n m- 'ac#! M-

stomach buckl#s an. tr#mbl#s! h# tin- salt grains scrap# m- gums m-

throat an. mouth is numb! h# numbn#ss spr#a.s throughout m- 'ac#!

M- lips ar# crack#. an. bl##.ing! h#- .ron# in a lo% rumbl# @

#at#at#at #at #at#at#at #at #at#at#at #atA $ts h-pnotic! $ b#gin to %##p!

M- throat is numb! $ gasp 'or br#ath! / blurr#. shap# mo(#s to%ar. m#!/ rasp- (oic# %hisp#rs @h# :alt is ali(# /s it .i#s in -our .ig#sti(#

track it %ill #p#l imag#s lik# .#a. l#a(#s 'alling 'rom a tr##! W#rth %ill

bring th#s# .#a. imag#s to li'# $n a mom#nt h# %ill call th# r##n 7air-

Ru##n! :h# %ill t#ll us %hat to .o! You2(# b##n asl##p 'or .a-s m- bo-

Carl2s gon# ma. W# all ha(#!!!!W#rth %ill l#a. us! ;# kno%s th#

s#cr#ts ;# %ill mak# th# salt talkA $ coul.n2t t#ll %hos# (oic# it %as!

h# 'ir# glo%#. in an orang# blur! h# chanting sil#nc#.! / tall 'igur#

W#rth hol.ing his sta'' aros# b#si.# th# 'ir#! ;# must2(# b##n %#aringa rob# as %#ll! :#(#ral small

t%isting shap#s attach#. b- string hung 'rom his arms! With a shock $

r#ali3#. th#- %#r# li(# l##ch#s!

Whil# sprinkling som# kin. o' po%.#r into th# 'ir# %hich in r#turn

b#lch#. out plum#s o' smok# h# inton#. @ h r##n 7air- our Ru##n

%# .o humbl- b#s##ch -ou! W# %alk in .arkn#ss an. con'usion! i(# us

Your light so that %# ma- 'ul'ill -our %ill! Comman. us W# ar# -ours#r(ants! What %oul. -ou ha(# us .o %ith th#s# ston#s< /ns%#r our

pl#as! his $ ask %ith purit- o' min.! No% %# a%ait -our ans%#r!A With

that h# toss#. a lump o' po%.#r into th# 'ir#! $t 'lar#. up b#lching out a

massi(# clou. o' black smok# miing %ith th# 'og th# air .ark#n#.!

W#rth stoo. arms outstr#tch#. as i' a%aiting th# bo.- o' a lo(#r to



tumbl# into his #mbrac#! ;#a. lilt#. h# list#n#. int#ntl-! 7aint s+u#als

in th# .istanc#! / br##3# stirr#. th# sil#nc#! $t pick#. up! h# 'og s%#pt

into a slo% mo(ing coal*color#. clou. churning slo%l- abo(# th#

'ir#!!!"icking up sp##.! :ha.o%s '#int an. ha3- stirr#. %ithin!

@;#.g#hogsA :om#on# gasp#.! h# %in.s bl#% 'i#rc#l- no% raisingclou.s o' .irt an. .ust .#bris %hipping across m- 'ac#! $ co(#r#. m-

mouth %ith m- shirt! h# s+u#al lou.#r shri#king inc#ssant pi#rcing

m- #ar .rums rattling m- t##th hi.#ousl- %ining lik# an #l#ctric .rill

till it r#ach#. an unb#arabl# pitch o' n#r(# shatt#ring int#nsit- *an. th#n

* +ui#t! h# %in. .i#.! / .#a'#ning sil#nc# .#sc#n.#. upon us! / lon#

b#ll chim#.! M- h#art thrash#. 'uriousl- in m- ch#st! M- stomach

+uak#. an. $ s%allo%#. .o%n th# urg# to (omit! :kin .amp %ith

appr#h#nsion! :%#at str#am#. o'' m- 'or#h#a. in st#a.- ri(ul#tsstinging m- #-#s gi(ing th# s#nsation that $ %as m#lting! /bo(# th#

'lick#ring orang# 'lam#s an amorphous gr##n glo%ing puls#. gr#%

#pan.#. into a (agu#l- humanoi. shap#! h# light .ull#. th#n a't#r a

mom#ntar- 'lar#*up cong#al#.! h# last tim# it %as a ghostl- phantom

b#ing %ho (isit#.9 no% th# 'air- +u##n stoo. soli. maj#stic r#al

t#rri'-ing! 7in# black hairs .o%n- on h#r glist#ning gr##n skin! $ gap#.

at h#r si3# * to%#ring 1& '##t o(#r us ;#r #-#s burning bright s%#pt

cooll- .o%n on us! hr## %hit# h#.g#hogs sat ob#.i#ntl- b- h#r si.#! $n bal. patch#s 'ur part#. to r#(#al glass- #-#balls blinking scatt#r#. on

th#ir backs!

;#r kn##*caps cr#as#. th#n th# 'l#sh op#n#. up! /n 'i#r- orang# #-#

imb#..#. on #ach kn## ring#. b- think black lash#s p##k#. out at us!

,ik#%is# h#r 'irm br#asts inst#a. nippl#s #n.#. slits %hich blink#.

op#n#. baring black glinting orbs burning! $t .isturb#. m- s#nsibiliti#s

a shi(#r con(uls#. m- back! 7inall- making s#(#n in all b#t%##n h#rmuscl#. thighs imb#..#. in th# pinkish lips o' h#r labia (#rtical an

#-#ball s%i(#l#. into (i#% blinking rotating to insp#ct us on# b- on#!

=ncircl#. b- curl- black hairs t%irl#. lik# cr##ping rococo (in#s! /

singl# t#ar o' bloo. %#ll#. up a 'ilm o' crimson painting th# #-# than

.ribbling .o%n th# insi.# o' h#r muscl#. thighs it gath#r#. into a plump



ch#rr- an. splash#. to th# groun.! h# thr## h#.g#hogs 'ought to lap it

up gro%ling an. cla%ing at on# anoth#r! M- min. r##l#.! $ 'ought

(#rtigo as m- kn##s buckl#. an. .i. not 'all! No% b#gan W#rth2s sing*

song .iscours# %ith th# phantom la.- but so .#lirious $ .o not

r#m#mb#r on# %or. #chang#. onl- a't#r som# tim# W#rth

pr#s#nting th# in'ant an. han.ing it o(#r to th# Ru##n! ;#r #-#s

con'us#. .isb#li#(ing struggl#. to compr#h#n. th# small unmo(ing

obj#ct pr#s#nt#. #nlarg#. horror*struck %ith t#ars! / gasp as t#rribl#

compr#h#nsion stol# o(#r h#r ba''l#. 'ac#! h#n a hi.#ous soul*r#n.ing

shri#k o' un#arthl- anguish tor# out o' his tr#mbling lips shatt#ring th#

air!

;#r ribs rippl#. on# #ith#r si.# as i' som# unkno%n cr#atur# struggl#.to #scap#! h# skin str#tch#. th#n tor# * out burst t%o #tra arms 'rom

#ach si.# s#i3ing th# gr##n in'ant! :h# %#pt t#ars o' bloo. %hil#

car#ssing th# li'#l#ss bab#! /bruptl- sh# toss#. back h#r h#a. 'or a

s#con. $ #p#ct#. a ho%l inst#a. 'ing#rs aros# 'rom h#r gaping mouth

th#n a han. 'inall- a s#(#nth arm s%a-#. abo(#! $t point#. at us th#n

app#ar#. to b# signaling us to stop b#'or# s#t into th# palm ruptur#. a

s#con. mouth rim#. %ith point#. ra3or*lik# t##th! $t spok# or rath#r

scr##ch#.! $ts (oic# .rill#. .ir#ctl- into m- cort# scrap#ing ra%n#r(#s! $ .on2t r#call th# #act %or.s! :om#thing about ho% %# %#r#

m#nt to r#.##m natur# lor. o(#r th# proc#ss o' r#n#%al inst#a. acting

as both ##cution#r an. (ictim %# ha. mur.#r#. li'# an. ours#l(#s too!

$ r#m#mb#r th# mist s#parating! /s in slo% motion on# b- on# bo.i#s

'#ll hitting th# groun. .ust #rupting %h#r# th#- hit until onl- ,#na an.

$ sat up staring at on# anoth#r $ h#ar. h#r sa- right b#'or# $ lost

conciousn#ss in an o..l- .#tach#. (oic# @Don2t go back to sl##p!A

Chapt#r %#nt- :#(#n Don2t go back to :l##p

W# a%ok#! :tinging shocks o' pain str#ak#. abo(# our #-#s! :om#thing

sharp cla%#. into m- aching stomach! $ l#arn#. that a't#r Carl ha.

'oun. th# in'ant .#a. %ithin th# rock b#.lam ha. brok#n out! h#- ha.

all lost con'i.#nc# in Carl! $ r#call onc# W#rth ha. sai. that absur.it-



%oul. .#'#at our littl# soci#t- an. no% th#- all 'lock#. to him 'or

ans%#rs! Wol'gang an. =ug#n# %#r# stunn#. into sil#nc#! h#- look#.

to W#rth

turn#. him into a sort o' shaman %hich $ suppos# th# artist can b#

thought as such! #rror an. unc#rtaint- unra(#l#. #(#r-on#! Fntil

miracl#s an. m-st#r- b#com# habit th#- r#tain 'right#ning po%#r! Whil#

$ la- unconscious s#(#n .a-s past#. in %hich W#rth 'ast#. %ith

instructions that %# all .o th# sam#! Carl ha. a br#ak.o%n! ;# %oul.n2t

communicat# onl- mumbl# @h#-2ll s##!!!histor- %ill (in.icat# m#!!!

#(#r-on# %ill s##!!!A compl#t#l- unr#sponsi(# to +u#stions or stimuli!

/ppar#ntl- W#rth ha. b##n coll#cting %at#r in l##ch skin lin#. hol# h#

ha. .ug! >#caus# o' th# .r- air it +uickl- #(aporat#. l#a(ing b#hin. a

thin la-#r o' salt! ;# gath#r#. s#(#ral bo%l*'ulls! $ .on2t kno% W#rth2s

r#asoning but Wol'gang th#ori3#. that massi(# amounts o' salt %oul.

s%i'tl- .#h-.rat# us lik#l- in.ucing hallucinations an. an alt#r#.

consciousn#ss also cr#at# a mor# r#c#pti(# to min. to mass h-pnotism!

"lus %#ak#n#. b- th# 'ast our r#sistanc# to sugg#stion %oul. b#

lo%#r#.! ;# stuck st#a.'ast to his th#or- #sp#ciall- sinc# %h#n %#

a%ok# a't#r th# sPanc# th# gr##n '#tus ha. .isapp#ar#.! Wol'gang

maintain#. that it ha. n#(#r r#all- #ist#.! No on# b#li#(#. that though!

/'t#r a .a- o' r#st %# ass#mbl#. aroun. W#rth 'or his #planation!

Drap#. o(#r his b#nt bon- structur# hung a shin- black rob# put

tog#th#r 'rom l##ch skins! ;is sta'' h# ha. .#corat#. %ith (arious

#sot#ric car(ings! / li(# l##ch ti#. %ith string .angl#. 'rom #ach

#lbo%! ;is %hit# 'ilm- #-#s ga3#. unblinking into cru#l in(isibl#

r#alms! ;# b#gan! @Man- things %#r# 'or#tol. b- our +u##n! 7irst to

mak# s#ns# o' th#m $ must #.ucat# -ou on th# ccult truth conc#rningth# s#(#n souls o' Man pass#. .o%n 'rom ;#rm#s in anci#nt =g-pt! /s

human b#ings it is our uni+u# pri(il#g# to hous# to s#(#n .istinct

in.i(i.ual souls * #ach %ith a .i''#r#nt 'unction an. >#ing! ,ist#n %#ll

th# 'irst



soul is call#. hat * th# bo.-! $t is onl- 'l#sh an. .o#s .i# %h#n -ou .o!

:#con. soul is /b * th# h#art th# #ss#nc# o' li'# s#at o' th# min. an.

int#llig#nc# along %ith -our #motional an. moral li'#! $t is h#r# all -our

.##.s ar# r#cor.#.! h# /b can gi(# #(i.#nc# 'or or against -ou! $' th#

h#art %#ighs h#a(i#r than th# '#ath#r o' th# go. Maat it is consum#. b-th# .#mon /mmit! Man- p#opl# b#tra- th#ir h#arts onl- in th# #n. to

lik#%is# b# b#tra-#. b- th#m! h# hir. soul is E#n * th# Nam# %hich

grants in.i(i.ualit- it is this uni+u#n#ss that allo%s oth#rs to r#lat# to

-ou! N#t is th# a, or li'#*cr#ating 'orc#! his is -our %ill an. is

immortal pro(i.#. it r#c#i(#s prop#r spiritual nourishm#nt! /t .#ath th#

a r#joins th# go.s in h#a(#n to a%ait anoth#r #arthl- (#ss#l! >a, or th#

‘ bir.2 is 'i'th! his is -our p#rsonalit- -our ps-ch# -our :#l' %hat

most p#opl# think o' as soul!2 h# >a is immortal! :hut th# sha.o% issith! $n th# a't#rli'# on# must b# %ar- o' th# D#(our#r o' :ha.o%s 'or

a p#rson can not #ist %ithout his or h#r sha.o%! 7inall- th# /kh - the

Shining One, th# spirit or ghost is last! $t stan.s 'or th# proc#ss o'

trans'iguration! $t asc#n.s to th# h#a(#ns b#coming a star! =ach human

carri#s th#s# s#(#n 'ol.s o' #ist#nc# %ithin!A

@>utA $ spok# up @th# 'air- sai. onl- t%o o' us %#r# r#al! $' th# r#st o'

us %#r# just souls o' thos# t%o r#al p#opl#!!!th#n!!!that %oul. mak#'ourt##n souls total th#r# ar# onl- t%#l(# or #l#(#n o' us h#r#! %o

souls ar# missingA

@No not n#c#ssaril- not missing! $t coul. b# that among thos# t%o

p#opl# t%o o' th#ir s#(#n souls ar# shar#. b#t%##n th#m! =ach th#n

ha(ing 'i(# uni+u# to th#ms#l(#s!A @What .o -ou m#an< ,ik# ho%<A

,#na ask#. .rap#. o(#r :#th %ho stoo. looking on surl- an. sk#ptical!

@$t is not so uncommon $ imagin#! 7or instanc# on th# rar# occasion%h#n a p#rson 'in.s his or h#r tru# soul mat# th#- ma- shar# th# sam#

/b th# sam# h#art! /s 'or sharing two souls!!! $ can not comm#nt! $ .o

not poss#ss th# un.#rstan.ing to comm#nt!A



@:o accor.ing to -ouA =ug#n# spok# th# har. #.g# no% gon# 'rom his

(oic# @an. th# +u##n onl- t%o o' us ar# actual li(ing p#opl# th# oth#rs

ar# all spirits<A ;is usual stoic con'i.#nc# s##m#. shak#n! ;# stoo. l#ss

st#a.-!

@h# oth#rs ar# asp#cts o' thos# t%o p#opl# portions o' th#ir souls -#s!A

@:o on# o' us is a a or th# mani'#station o' som#on#2s >a<A =ug#n#

continu#. suspiciousl-! W#rth no..#.!

@h#n %ho among us is an actual p#rson<A

W#rth simpl- rais#. an #-#bro%! $ look#. aroun. an. stu.i#. #ach 'ac#!

Was $ %as r#al< ' coars# that2s %hat #(#r-on# thought! C#rtainl- $ '#lt

l#ss than %hol#! Wol'gang2s #-#s t%inkl#.! / 'aint smil# pla-#. about

his lips! ;# app#ar#. .#light#. at our pr#.icam#nt! @You s##m happ-!A $

sai. to him!

@$sn2t it 'ascinating<A ;# r#spon.#.!

h#ophan %as shaking his larg# h#a. as $saac slunk at his '##t

min.l#ssl- .ra%ing circl#s in th# san.!

$ ask#. him %hat h# ma.# o' all this! @$t is trick#r-!A h# sai. matt#r*o*'actl- @W#rth * a 'als# pro'it! hat hi.#ous apparition %as a .#mon s#nt

to con'us# our min.s in this our spirituall- .ark#n#. stat#!A

Chuang t#ntati(#l- chim#. in @Moth#r Natur# is t%o 'ac#s! W# kill on#

o' h#r chil.r#n! No% %# s## .#mon 'ac# o' ;#r!A

@Chuang -ou b#li#(# in .#mons<A $ %as surpris#.! ;# no..#.! @What

about Mahāk āś-apa< ;im too<A /gain h# no..#.!

@You think sh#2s #(il<A

Chuang thought 'or a mom#nt @nl- #(il is that %hich .#stro- unit-!

W# .#stro- h#r cr#ati(# #n#rg-!A

@What< You m#an th# bab-<A



;# no..#.! @:o no% inst#a. o' cr#ati(# principal sh# chang# into

.#structi(#! Ma- b# is .#structi(# spirit no%A

W#rth %as sp#aking his ol. cr#aking (oic# cra%ling insi.# our #ars

@You that ar# souls ho%#(#r 'a.#. ar# no% gi(#n a chanc# to b#com#human! ;o%< You ma- assum# custo.- o' th#s# ston#s th# chil.r#n o'

th# Ru##n an. through guar.ianship an. sacri'ic# b#com# human! r

grac# ma- b# approach#. b-%a- o' th# imagination! r *A @Do -ou

kno% %hich on# o' us is suppos# to b# r#al or not<A :#th gro%l#. his

small hat#'ul #-#s glaring!

W#rth paus#. a mom#nt lick#. his lips li3ar. lik# th#n ans%#r#. @7or

a tim# $ thought #(#n b#'or# $ kn#% o' th# Ru##n2s #ist#nc# that onl- $

%as r#al9 th# r#st o' -ou m#r# sha.o%s hungr- ghosts2 as th# >u..histssa-! No% $ b#li#(# on# oth#r shar#s humanit- %ith along %ith m-s#l' *

-ou :#th!A

=ug#n# snort#. @' cours# h#2s gonna sa- thatA >ut his (oic# %a(#r#.

a mom#nt!

@W# shoul. ask th# Ru##n! Conjur# h#r back up right<A ,#na

(olunt##r#. biting h#r lip #-#s pl#a.ing 'or ans%#rs!

W#rth turn#. to h#r @W# s#r(# th# go.s m- .#ar th#- .o not s#r(# us!A

@:o no% %hat<A $ ask#. #asp#rat#. irritat#.! W#rth %ithout a %or.

%h##l#. 2roun. shambling into th# still l-ing 'og! Dumbl- %# stoo.!

;#a(- slo% churning li+ui. throbb#. in m- skull m- (ision puls#. in

littl# pi#rcing blips! :till r#co(#ring 'rom salt poisoning! houghts

mu..l#. through th# muck o' m- soup- brain crashing against on#

anoth#r su''ocating 'ighting th#ir %a- to th# sur'ac# to light an. air!

$ look#. to Wol'gang at his irritating s#l'*satis'i#. smil#! M- (ision

.ark#n#.! $ brok# th# sil#nc# @$ .on2t s## ho% all this coul. int#r#st -ou!

o -ou it2s a all som# imaginar- hallucination %#2r# %r#stling %ith

.r#ams!A



common s#ns# '#ll con+u#r#.! $t is this sam# ma. p#rsist#nc# that

al%a-s %ins out in 7ascist go(#rnm#nts th# illusion o' unb#atabl#

.ominanc# is 'inall- (ictorious %h#n th# plac#s o' th# imagination

s#cr#t#. in th# r#b#l2s souls ha(# b##n stamp#. out! What ma.# it

in'init#l- %ors# %as that %# ha. no %a- o' .isc#rning i' this Ru##nassuming sh# ha. obj#cti(# #ist#nc# ha. int#ntions injurious or

b#n#'ic#nt! 7rom th#s# .oubts t#n.rils o' paranoia spr#a. lik# an

insi.ious mol. upon th# sur'ac# o' our ju.gm#nts! W# .iscuss#. W#rth2s

proposition! :#th outright r#'us#. to participat#! $t matt#r#. not th#

r#alit- o' th# Ru##ns #ist#nc# to him 'l#sh or phantom :#th s%or#

all#gianc# to hims#l' an. th# on#s h# lo(#. alon#9 an. .#'ianc# to

authorit- #(#n o' spiritual ag#nts an. #(#n i' his b#st int#r#st %#r#

b#ing s#r(#. @$' its against m- %illA h# sai. @#(#n i' it b# 'or m- b#ni'#t still $ prot#st sinc# it %orks against m- 'r##.om #(#n i' that

'r##.om is to .o in ignoranc# or %is.om s#l'*harm!A

b(iousl- ,#na %as out .#spit# m- l#sbian .r#am! :o %as $saac!

W#rth Wol'gang Chuang h#ophan %#r# all too ol. to propagat#!

Mahāk āś-apa r#'us#. participation! Carl sat .rooling on hims#l'! /

goo. pla-mat# 'or $saac! $t cam# .o%n to =ug#n# or m#! /n. $ %as

t#rri'i#. o' h#r! h# prosp#ct o' coupling %ith that giant la.-!!!'ull o'

#-#s!!! a%ok# som# slim#*coat#. thing %ithin m#! $ coul.n2t .o it! /n.

-#t p#r(#rs#l- a part o' m# a pur#r asp#ct o' m- s#l' .#sp#rat#l-

%ant#. to to touch h#r to b#com# in a burning /rmag#..on o' 'l#shl-

#cstas- on# %ith th# +u##n! $t %as this asp#ct that $ sought to strangl#!!!

M- .#ca.#nt .#sir#s conspir#. to mur.#r m#!!!! Fn'ortunat#l- =ug#n#

lik#%is# r#'us#.! ;is r#asons %#r# (agu#! Wol'gang (olunt##r#. to

gui.# us through our '#ars! h# pr#ssur# 'rom th# oth#rs %as #normous!

,ost lon#l- an. 'right#n#. th#- clam#. on to us as a star(ing man

grasps tight to a .ollar bill th# s-mbol o' his hung#rs banishm#nt! urabilit- to gi(# chil. to th# Ru##n as a last hop#! ;op#!!!! a much prais#.

conc#pt but %h#n it is stain#. b- .#sp#ration an insi.ious 'orc#!

Christ i' our sur(i(al .#p#n.s on m- lo(#making skills %#2r# all

.oom#. $ tri#. to jok# but $2m sur# th#- all s#ns#. th# rolling panic

gna%ing m- soul a%a-! During this tim# $ .i. gro% clos#r to h#ophan!



$ cam# to appr#ciat# th# natural simplicit- o' his soul #(#n i' at tim#s to

m- #-#s h# app#ar#. hop#l#ssl- back%ar.s in his thinking! /t l#ast h#

hi. nothing spok# littl# an. m#ant %hat h# .i. sa-! Wh#n $ op#n#. up

to him con'i.ing som# o' m- tr#pi.ation h# sta-#. thought'ul a

mom#nt th#n sai. @You kno% Jon %h#n :t! /nthon- %#nt to th#.#s#rt it %as not a ba. s#l' imag# h# #ncount#r#. or troubl# %ith

la3in#ss or an- o' th#s# sup#r'icial probl#ms no .##p in th# barr#n

%ast#lan. o' his soul * h# 'oun. demonsA

Chapt#r %#nt- =ight

!!!!!M- .#g#n#rat# lo(# is killing m#!!!!

h#r# is a sp#cial kin. o' ach#! n# '##ls it %h#n th# soul r#ach#s too 'ar out an. .ist#n.s th# 'l#sh! h# mortal 'ram# b#n.s buckl#s in rar#

cas#s it ma- br#ak! h# ps-chic #mbr-o bursts an. th# bo.- su''#rs its

#nlarg#. spirit! o .#ci.# %hich o' us %as to la- %ith th# +u##n both

=ug#n# an. $ %#r# brought to W#rth 'or #amination! ;# sai. man-

things! What $ r#m#mb#r most though %as that h# all#g#. that $ %as

un'it 'or lo(# s# in particular! ##ping %ith th# s#(#n soul2s mo.#l h#

maintain#. that t%o o' m- souls %#r# in con'lict that m- bo.- an. m-

spirit ar# #n#mi#s t#aring m# apart! @Your a an. >a ar# in combat m- bo- h#ir int#r#sts ar# not mutual! No% that $2(# tol. -ou -our

subconscious ma- tr- to communicat# %ith -ou -ou ma- ha(# an

int#r#sting .r#am this night!!!A

$ .i.! $ sa% m-s#l' as in a 'ilm l#aning against a boul.#r! #aring out o'

th# pal# blu# sk- lik# a com#t a r#. blur rock#t#. to%ar. m# 'or a split

s#con. it cam# into 'ocus* a bir. b#'or# slamming into m- gut! $

tumbl#. back%ar. 'lipping o(#r th# boul.#r! alons shr#. op#n m-

stomach s#aring pain gor# an. #ntrails 'lop out .angling lik# m#at'rom a .#licat#ss#n! $ go to scr#am but am (oic#l#ss! $ rais# m- h#a. an.

s## #-# to #-# attach#. to th# bir.s iri.#sc#nt r#. n#ck as it picks

string- strips o' 'l#sh an. gobbl#s th#m .o%n inst#a. o' a bir.s 'ac# th#

si3# o' a t#nnis ball * m- o%n * ga%king into m- %i.# horror*struck

#-#s! $ %ok# t#rri'i#. h#art poun.ing! $ thr#% m-s#l' to th# groun.



(omit#. an. caught m- br#ath!

:o it %as =ug#n# %hom W#rth 'oun. mor# 'it to s#r(ic# th# Ru##n! >ut

still h#

r#'us#.! :#ssions %ith Wol'gang b#gan apart 'rom th# oth#rs %ith as

much pri(ac- as possibl#!

W# sat #ach on a boul.#r 'acing on# oth#r! ;is smooth #pr#ssion

smooth an. ton# o' (oic# n#utrall- pl#asant h# ask#. m# @You .o not

%ish to copulat# %ith th# Ru##n<A $ smooth#. m- .irt ri..#n %rinkl#.

pants! @You .on2t #(#n b#li#(# sh#2s r#al!A

@h it .o#sn2t matt#r %hat $ think! What .o -ou b#li#(#<A

@$' sh#2s r#al< $ think $ ha(# to assum# sh# is! :##ms r#al! $ .on2t kno%! $

.on2t kno% %hat to b#li#(#!A

@Do -ou think sh# h#lp -ou #scap# 'rom h#r# i' -ou *A

@Ma-b#! Who kno%s! W# ought to gi(# it a shot!!!!$ .on2t un.#rstan.

%h- =ug#n# .o#sn2t just st#p up an. .o it!A

@/n. -ou<!!!A

$ look#. a%a- @$ can2t! :l##p %ith that< /ll thos# #-#s< /n. h#r skin!!!$

can2t #(#n think o' it! $t .isgustingA $ shu..#r#.!

@What i' sh# app#ar#. %ithout th# #-# just as a %oman * %oul. -ou b#

attract#.<A

@/ %oman< :h#2s a monst#rA $ #jaculat#. looking right at Wol'gang!

@n h#r 'irst app#aranc# $ thought sh# %as +uit# pr#tt- $ kno% that

s#(#ral o' th# oth#rs thought so too!A

$ shot him a sk#ptical look! ;# continu#. @Wh#n %as -our last s#ual

#p#ri#nc#<A



$ hi. th# shock o' so!!!.#licat# a +u#stion st##l#. m-s#l' 'rom pri(- b-

.#a.#ning m-

soul #-#s gla3#. o(#r $ cooll- ans%#r#. @W#ll $ uh actuall- its

strang# $2(# r#all- n#(#r b##n in a r#al r#lationship -ou kno%< $ .on2tkno% ho% to b# in on# r#all- -ou kno%!!!A

@;a(# -ou #(#r *A h# pr#ss#. cor.iall- on!

@h -#a -#a but $2(# just n#(#r ha. a r#lationship!A

@:o %hat %as -our last tim# lik#<A

$ scratch#. th# stubbl# on m- 'ac# @h# last tim#< What %as it lik#<

Fmmm %#ll actuall- $ %as ha(ing a manic #piso.# an. $ %as .runk!Fh m# an. m- 'ri#n. %# actuall- got a hook#r!!!A

$ %atch#. his 'ac# clos#l- but its blank '#atur#s .isclos#. nothing!

@h<A h# r#pli#. (oic# #+uisit#l- controll#. @$ ha. no i.#a -ou2.

gott#n so 'ar! /n. %hat happ#n#.<A @Nothing! You kno% %# took turns

in a parking lot! $ uh $ .on2t kno% ho% com'ortabl# -ou ar# talking

about this sort o' thing!!!A

Wol'gang put up his han.s @h $2m a .octor! $2(# h#ar. #(#r-thing!A

@Y#a! k! W#ll %# got blo%jobs! :o!!!that %as all!A

@Do -ou .o that o't#n<A

@No!A $ assum#. a passi(# noncommittal stanc#!

@;a(# -ou #(#r b#'or#<A ;# ask#.!

@Fmmm #(#r< Fh %#ll no actuall-!A

@Was that -our 'irst s#ual #p#ri#nc#<A

;is .ark oli(# #-#s lock#. onto min#! $ %as so tir#.! >#at#n! M- insi.#s

shr#..#. lik# hamburg#r m#at! $ brok# th# ga3# clos#. m- #-#s sigh#.

.##plan. out spill#. m-



sham# in on# inglorious insipi. %or.* @Y#s!A

;# .i.n2t miss a b#at n#ith#r blink#. nor paus#. @/n. -ou2r# &)<

Don2t -ou 'in. that unusual<A $ look#. aroun. h#lpl#ssl-! @W#ll ho% .o

#plain it Jon<A

D#'#at#. #-#s hal' clos#. pulling an apolog#tic 'ac# $ ans%#r#.

apath#ticall- @$ .on2t kno%! $ us#. to .o .rugs! Mostl- just %##.! :ol. a

bit too! :o girls %#r# al%a-s aroun.! /n. $ %asn2t al%a-s this big -ou

kno% $ us#. to %#igh a lot l#ss! $ m#an no% $2m r#pulsi(# but $ us#. to

look .#c#nt! nc# in a%hil# som# girl %oul. in(it# m# into th#ir room

an.!!!$ .on2t kno%!!!$2m too s#nsiti(#! $ can2t just op#n m-s#l' up! You

kno% %h#n $2. b# hanging out an. th# girls m- ag# %oul. start talking

about th#ir s#ual #ploits #(#n though $2m a lib#ral gu- it still shock#.m#! h#- talk#. about th#ms#l(#s lik# th#- %#r# pi#c#2s o' m#at! $t

%asn2t just that though s# 'or th#m %as lik# a han.shak#! /n. #(#n

han.shak#s panic m#! You kno% $ us#. to 'lip out i' an-on# touch#. m#!

$ r#m#mb#r on# tim# at a 'amil- g#t tog#th#r m- 'ath#r %#nt to put his

han. on m- shoul.#r * $ .#ck#. him Not on purpos# it %as instincti(#!

/n. no% at m- ag# it2s too lat#! $t2s #mbarrassing! / %oman %ants a

gu- %ho kno%s %hat h#2s .oing! / (irgin at m- ag# * $2m a 'ucking

'r#ak "lus $ think $2m $ .on2t kno%!!!'#mal# s#ualit- in a %a- itscar#s m# -ou kno%! $ can2t #plain it! $t2s 'ucking irr#l#(ant an-%a-!

Your probabl- right th# Ru##n2s a 'igm#nt o' our imagination! $2. #n.

up scr#%ing air!!!,#t =ug#n# .o it!A

his %hol# tim# $2. b##n staring into m- lap %or.s tumbling out on#

a't#r th# oth#r! $ snapp#. out o' th# tranc# an. look#. up at him!

@=ug#n# can2t .o it Jon!A Wol'gang sai. +ui#tl- @You s## sinc# h#2s

com# to this plac#

'or th# past '#% %##ks an-%a- h#2s b#com# impot#nt!A $mpot#nt

=ug#n#< $ %on.#r#. i' that %as th# r#ason %h- :asha .i.n2t hook up

%ith him! :h# al%a-s sai. sh# @n##.#. a lot o' s#!A $n 'act on# tim# $

%as talking about a gu- $ kn#% mi. 40 s that %as p#rman#ntl-



impot#nt! ;# coul.n2t b# 'i#.! Nothing %ork#.! $ %as making jok#s at

'irst sh# %as laughing th#n b#cam# thought'ul! :h# turn#. to m# an.

sai. @/ctuall- it2s not 'unn-! $' $ ha. to go th# r#st o' m- li'# %ithout

s# $2. kill m-s#l'A ;o% s#rious %as sh#<

Wol'gang brok# m- r#(#ri#s @$t %ill ha(# to b# -ou Jon!A

h# nightmar# tight#n#.! / lump stuck in m- throat! M- stomach

'lipp#.! hu..ing against m- ribcag# m- h#art tri#. to t#ar los#! / tin-

(oic# sobb#. in th# pit o' m- gut! $ '#lt m-s#l' r#gr#ssing to that t%#l(#

-#ar ol. scar#. littl# bo-! $ %ant#. to pl#a. %ith Wol'gang sa- @Don2t

mak# m# A

$nst#a. $ just blurt#. out @$ can2t $2m .isgusting :h# %on2t %ant m#! $.on2t #(#n kno% %hat to .o "l#as#<A $ pl#a.#. %ith m- #-#s!

@What %ill -ou t#ll th#m<A ;# ask#. m#!

$ '#lt trapp#.! @his can2t b# happ#ning!A M- br#athing +uick#n#.! @$t

isn2t r#al * -ou sai. so -ours#l'! $t2s insan# ,#t :#th g#t :asha pr#gnant

hat2ll b# th# bab- 'or th# +u##n! What about Carl< $t2s his 'ault! Can2t

-ou g#t him to com# out o' his stupor< Carl shoul. .o it!A

@Carl is (#r- sick!A Wol'gang calml- stat#. @;# ma- b# lik# that 'or a

(#r- long tim#! h#r#2s no %a- o' t#lling! h# shock o' s##ing that in'ant

*.#a. sli.# out o' that rock it unhing#. him! You s## a bab- is a

s-mbol o' li'# o' hop# n#% b#ginnings an. th#

hallucination o' a .#a. chil. is a s-mbol o' hop# lost! $t %as our

coll#cti(# unconscious proj#cting our '##lings that hop# %as .#a.!

Fsuall- %ith a pati#nt lik# him %# %oul. start th#m o'' on m#.ication

b#'or# b#ginning th#rap-! /s it stan.s his cas# is .i''icult! You can notcount on Carl!A

rapp#.! h# '#ar gripp#. tight#r! h# possibiliti#s .i#. o''! :pac#

clos#. all aroun. m#! @his is stupi.A $ sai. 'ighting .o%n th# h-st#ria

@,ist#n 'in# $ b#li#(# -ou it probabl- is a .#lusion or %hat#(#r! h#n



suppos# to gi(# #(i.#nc# to th#ir soli. (#r- human r#alit-! >ut ho%

%as on# to con(inc# anoth#r o' a on#2s o%n r#al #ist#nc# an. b th#

oth#r2s unr#alit-< h#ophan %ith $saac as al%a-s hanging onto him

an. m-s#l' k#pt apart! =(#r- onc# in a%hil# m- brain lik# an out o'

control motor %oul. sputt#r to li'# an. b#gin to spin out #planations'rom th# impossibl- con(olut#. to th# #l#gantl- simpl# ? @$m insan#!A

D#spit# m- .istr#ss or b#caus# o' it a h#a(in#ss lai. on m# lulling m#

.##p .##p .o%n into th# lan. o' No.!!!!

Chapt#r %#nt- Nin#

/'t#r a .r#aml#ss .##p sl##p $ 'oun. m-s#l' surprisingl- r#'r#sh#.! :#

%ith a

gr##n 'air- +u##n< $t %as absur. Wh- %orr-! What coul. possibl-

happ#n!!!! $ 'ak# humping th# groun. an. call it a .a-! /s Wol'gang

pr#.ict#. W#rth announc#. that it ha. to b# m# to consummat# th#

@hol- unionA %ith th# 'air- +u##n! ;# also mumbl#. som#thing about

puri'-ing m- s##. b-%a- o' a s#ri#s o' (ision +u#sts that %oul.

@trans'orm m- #rotic .#sir#A into @gol.#n spiritual longing!A $ kno%

a#sth#ticall- $ ought to pac# m-s#l' but sinc# $ am in a rush to 'inish

this thing so $ can kill m-s#l' $2ll t#ll -ou strait out that $ .i. in 'act go

through s#(#ral (isionar- #piso.#s! :#(#ral books lik#l- coul. b#

%ritt#n about th#m! $ r#m#mb#r onl- bits an. pi#c#s! W#rth ha. m# 'ast

'or thr## .a-s b#'or# #ach @+u#stA *th#r# %#r# s#(#n in all* an. s%allo%

a mitur# o' lumps o' salt lac#. %ith spi.#r2s (#nom!

hos# 'irst thr## .a-s 'asting $ spok# Wol'gang allot mostl- about m-

'##lings on %oman #arl- chil.hoo. #p#ri#nc#s things $2. rath#r not

talk about h#r#! E#all- th#r# %asn2t much! $ r#m#mb#r (irtuall- nothingo' m- chil.hoo.! $n m- consciousn#ss $ s##m to pop into #ist#nc#

aroun. ag# nin# th# #arli#st! @hat m#ans -ou2(# r#pr#ss#. thos#

m#mori#sA Wol'gang tol. m# @h#r# must b# a r#ason %h- -ou .on2t

%ant to r#call th#m!A "r#sumabl- som#thing or s#(#ral som#thing2s o'

a horri'ic natur# at l#ast as it %as p#rc#i(#. b- m# happ#n#.! 7in#!



##p 2#m r#pr#ss#.! ,#t sl##ping .#mons li#! W#rth %h#n $ hint#. to

him that $ might ha(# troubl# uh rising to th# occasion2 %ith such a

'#arsom# inhuman cr#atur# ho%#(#r %omanl- in 'orm taught m#

(isuali3ation ##rcis#s! h#- pr#tt- much boil#. .o%n to m#

trans'orming in m- min.2s #-# th# imag# o' th# 7air- Ru##n into,#na2s lo(#l- (isag#! $n a %a- it ma.# things #(#n mor# a%k%ar.

b#t%##n ,#na an. m#! $t %as #mbarrassing #(#r-on# kn#% $ %as

pr#paring

m-s#l' to ha(# s# %ith a ghost N#(#r in m- most p#r(#rt#. .r#ams

%as $ #(#r so kink-! @#ar that bitch apartA :#th %oul. holl#r at m#

s#n.ing ,#na into h-st#rics! :h#2. a.. @Eock h#r %orl. big JA h#

probl#m %as #(#r- tim# $ tri#. to s## m-s#l' in th# rol# as lo(#r th#

(italit- %oul. just .rain out o' m# l#a(ing m# #motionall- impot#nt!

/l%a-s $ '#lt th# n##. to apologi3# 'or m- #ist#nc# #sp#ciall- to

%oman b#caus# $ thought b- simpl- b#ing such a path#tic as#ual

man it som#ho% insult#. th# '#mal# sp#ci#s! $ comp#nsat#. %ith blu''

humor goo.*natur# an. (arious oth#r 'orms o' bull shit!

/lso $ %as scar#. to .#ath to ask W#rth ho% this %hol# thing %as

suppos# to go .o%n! h# thought o' g#tting nu.# in 'ront o' th# oth#rs

#sp#ciall- ,#na 'ill#. m# %ith r#(olting .r#a.! 7or h#r to s## th#r#pulsi(# stomach*turning b#ast $ r#all- am %ith th# 'ol.s o' 'at an.

sick#ning blubb#r * ughA Wol'gang sai. $ %rapp#. m-s#l' up in #tra

%#ight to prot#ct m-s#l' 'rom %oman 'rom r#lationships * @$t2s lik#

-our conc#aling -ours#l' in la-#rs o' lar.A ;# #claim#. onc#! /noth#r

arro% o' t#rribl# truth lo.g#. in m- canc#rous black#n#. h#art! 7or m#

hon#st- is poison!

h# 'irst #p#ri#nc#! $ pass#. out a't#r #ating uncl# W#rths magical

mitur# o' salt*lac#. lunac-! /s $ sl#pt an. journ#-#. in .r#am h#%hisp#r#. .ir#ctions to gui.# m#! M- #-#s op#n#. to a pal# -#llo%

circl# sun painting th# %i.# %at#r*color#. sk- bright %hit#! / barr#n

.#s#rt plain .ott#. %ith craggil- bro%n bush#s an. .%ar'#. scraggl-

tr##s str#tch#. to th# rust- hori3on! (#rh#a. long (aporous clou.s

trail#. along a p#arl %hit# sk-! $ ros# to m- '##t! / h#ar. o' pink nu.#



chil.r#n not 'our -#ars ol. giggling pla-'ull- brush#. b- m- ankl#s

h#a.s cro%n#. b- pal# -#llo% 'lam#s licking sk-

trailing tongu#s o' 'ir# as th#- skipp#. m#rril- th#ir laught#r an. clums-

bo.i#s r#c#.ing into th# .istanc#! $ gasp#. in .#light! /bruptl- a stab o' pain .oubl#. m# o(#r! $ h#ar. it 'irst * a rib snapping th# crack #cho#.

out o(#r th# .#s#rt plain! $ .ropp#. to m- kn##s! h# bla.# cut in

stabb#. up m- ch#st into m- throat #rupting in a (iol#nt 'it o' hacking

coughs9 .isgorg#. a lump o' mucus h#a(#. to th# groun. spatt#ring lik#

an #mbr-onic #gg! $ %ip#. th# t#ars 'rom m- #-#s an. took a look!

:%ath#. in th# -#llo%Sorang# slim# a tin- j#t black 'igur# struggl#. to

his '##t si inch#s tall thro%ing o'' rop#s o' goop! ;# ha. a small b#ll-

b#n#ath %hich sprang a grot#s+u#l- gargantuan p#nis #r#ct an. purpl#

(#in#. hal' th# l#ngth o' his bo.-! h%acking it %ith his han. h# look#.

up at m# %ith a +u##r smil# bright %hit# t##th shining out o' his black

chubb- 'ac#! n littl# '##t h# b#gan gallop o'' as i' as a chil. might ri.#

a broomstick pr#t#n.ing it to b# a hors# h# %#r# ri.ing his m#mb#r! $

'ollo%#.! =(#ntuall- %# cam# upon a ca(# guar.#. o(#r b- an anci#nt

looking man! ,ong silk- %hit# hair casca.#. o(#r his nak#. bo.-! With

a splash th# tin- black man jump#. into a n#arb- pu..l# an.

.isapp#ar#.! h# ol. man brush#. asi.# his hair r#(#aling an #-#l#ss

'ac# smooth skin %h#r# sock#ts shoul.2(# b##n his lo%#r 'ac# obscur#. b- th# luurianc# o' his b#ar.! ;# scratch#. his larg# %art- nos# an.

point#. la3il- to th# pu..l#! $ b#nt o(#r an. look#. in! $nst#a. o' m-

r#'l#ction r#'l#ct#. back at m# starr#. a cro%2s h#a. %ith human #-#s

m- #-#s a larg# sharp b#ak protru.ing 'rom th# c#nt#r o' m- 'ac#! $ '#lt

%ith tr#mbling t#rri'i#. 'ing#rs about m- 'ac#! $ l#t out a n#r(ous sigh o'

r#li#' * it #ist#. in th# mirror imag# onl-! "r#s#ntl- th# cr#atur#

r#'l#ct#. in th# pool st#pp#. back an. $ sa% it ha. along %ith m- blu#

#-#s also m- bo.- * nak#.! Moun.s o' lar. pil#. onto on# anoth#r lik#rubb#r tir#s! M- p#nis

black#n#. .angl#. impot#ntl- th#n coming ali(# o' a su..#n it b#gan

to s%a- rh-thmicall-! / -#llo% snak#2s #-# op#n#. up on th# si.# o' it2s

mushroom*h#a.! / black tongu# 'lick#r#. out th# mouth! $t #longat#.



slith#ring s#.ucti(#l- up%ar. pr#ss#. to m- stomach! :l##ping in

b#t%##n m- t%o man br#asts snuggl#. tight a small bir.2s h#a.

un'url#. its#l' it2s -#llo%*'#ath#r#. n#ck attach#. .ir#ctl- into m-

ch#st! $t ha. a short sharp black b#ak an. 'i#r- r#. #-#s! $t turn#. its

h#a. si.#%a-s #-#ing th# black snak#S cock %#a(ing its %a- up m- bo.-! $t snapp#. its b#ak th# snak#Sp#nis .o.g#. to th# si.# th#n

mouth agap# 'ang#. struck th# bir. on its n#ck sinking t%o %hit#

s-ring# lik# 'angs into its 'l#sh! :u..#nl- a sharp pain prick#. m- h#art

an. $ -#lp#. out! M- #-#s glu#. on th# pu..l# $ .ar#. not look a%a-!

h# t%o t%ist#. about #ach oth#r 'ighting an. %r#stling until 'rom

b#hin. th# ol. man approach#. an. knock#. m# on m- back! $ sa%

gripp#. in his %#ath#r#. han.s a bron3# platt#r! n it a .o3#n tin-

'rantic m#n lik# nak#. to- sol.i#rs ran min.l#ssl- about crashing into#ach oth#r! h# ol. man got .o%n on his kn##s an. ga3#. into th# still

pool o' %at#r! $ join#. him! / '#% bubbl#s blipp#. to th# sur'ac# o' th#

%at#r th#n popp#.! :oon it b#gan to boil! n# b- on# h# grabb#. th#

m#n 'rom o'' his platt#r pinching th#m b- th# h#a. an. toss#. th#m

into th# bubbling s##thing %at#rs! /n #ar*splitting shri#k shot out as

#ach hit th# sur'ac# arms 'lailing b#'or# sinking crook#. t%itt#ring

'ing#rs th# last thing to .isapp#ar into th# pon.! Don# h# ros# up

str#tch#. out a long crook#. 'ing#r #n.ing in a .irt- -#llo% nail an. point#. to th# pu..l#! $ coul.n2t 'athom his m#aning! :tartling m# a .og

si3#. parrot 'lapp#. 'rom out th# ca(# spr#a.ing gloriousl- multi*

color#. %ings as it soar#. o(#r th# ol. man an. lan.#. on m- shoul.#r

clamping on in a (ic# grip talons t#aring into m-

muscl#! $ cri#. out an. '#ll to th# groun. massaging m- aching shoul.#r!

With its b#ak an. talons it shr#..#. m- cloths as $ s+uirm#. in th# .irt

'ighting it o''! $n a burst o' s+ua%king it shot up into th# air

.isapp#aring into th# pal# sun! %o r#. '#ath#rs %a't#. .o%n! >loo.i#.an. practicall- nak#. $ look#. up to s## th# ol. man stan.ing .ir#ctl-

abo(# m#! /n #(il smil# split his 'ac# an. $ sa% h# ha. an #r#ction!

:u..#nl- his han. gr#% in si3# to monstrous proportions! $t s%allo%#.

m# in its palm as h# car#l#ssl- toss#. m# into th# broiling pu..l# %hich

no% s##m#. th# si3# o' an oc#an >l#ach#. %hit# skulls roll#. in its



angr- %a(#s as slo%l- $ '#ll till hitting th# %at#rs! $ tor# out o' m- sl##p

scr#aming h-st#ricall-! W#rth .ash#. %at#r against m# %hich '#lt lik#

aci.! M- #ntir# bo.- %as mottl#. %ith larg# r#. stinging hi(#s 'rom

h#a. to to# insi.# m- throat on m- #-#li.s9 $ coul. barl#- s## th#-

co(#r#. th# sol#s o' m- '##t so $ coul.n2t %alk! Nor coul. $ 'or an #ntir#%##k b#n. an- limbs! =ach hi(# o' %hich th#r# %#r# hun.r#.s s##m#.

to ha(# a c#nt#r that throbb#. %ith puls#s o' h#at an. pain!

Wol'gang sai. th# hi(#s %#r# a ps-chosomatic r#action to th# po%#r'ul

sugg#stion that m- 'l#sh %as about to b# boil#.! ;ith#rto $ ha. b##n

mortall- asham#. l#st ,#na s## m- bo.- but no% it %as on .ispla- 'or

#(#r-on#! Cloths scrap#. m- skin lik# m#tal 'lam#s so $ la- n#arl-

nak#. 'or a %##k! Wol'gang %atch#. o(#r m#! Normall- sham# %oul.

put a shotgun to m- h#a. an. pull th# trigg#r but %ith much agon-

com#s an in(#rs# .isint#r#st in th# opinions o' oth#rs! What trul-

#mbarrass#. %as that th# %#lts caus#. m- manhoo. to shri(#l up into a

ra% littl# %orm o' su''#ring! /t tim#s to m- chagrin th# .iscom'ort

approach#. such int#nsit- that $ actuall- cri#.! ,#na ma- ha(# s##n it!

>ut $2. b# l-ing i' $ sai. $ .i.n2t r#(#l in all th# att#ntion! $n 'act

sickn#ss suit#.

m- ps-chological constitution +uit# %#ll!

h# oth#r si hallucinator- #piso.#s ar# ha3-! =ach in#(itabl- %as

accompani#.

b- som# agoni3ing 'orm o' r#habilitation! nc# $ a%ok# an. m- bo.-

%as on# bro%n bruis# #ncompassing #(#n m- 'ac# so that $ app#ar#.

mor# /'rican than $rish! /noth#r tim# 'or a 'ull %##k $ %as assault#.

b- nos# an. anal bl##.s! his %as accompani#. b- a rotating numbn#ss

that %oul. a''lict (arious limbs su..#nl- $ coul. no long#r '##l m- rightarm9 but as soon as th# '##ling r#turn#. th#r# m- l#'t l#g or 'oot or

oth#r arm %oul. th#n go numb! N#t $ 'oun. m-s#l' bright lobst#r r#.

skin si33ling %ith a burning rash! :till anoth#r tim# $ a%ok# as i' .rain#.

o' bloo. albino %hit# #(#n m- pupils %#r# pink inst#a. o' th# usual

blu#! ,astl- $ op#n#. m- #-#s to 'in. m- '##t an. 'ing#r tips color#. a



.##p lush gr##n! ,ik#l- accor.ing to Wol'gang an all#rgic r#action

'rom that go.*'orsak#n .#(ils br#% W#rth 'orc#. .o%n m- s%oll#n

throat! Wol'gang b- th# %a- #pr#ss#. his conc#rn but also str#ss#.

that it %as #ntir#l- up to m# to .#ci.# %#ath#r or not to continu#!

During th#s# %##ks $ .on2t kno% %hat th# oth#rs .i.! $ put all m-

#n#rg- into sur(i(ing! ;al' th# tim# $ .i.n2t kno% %h#r# $ %as or #(#n

%ho $ %as! M- s#ns# o' s#l' m#rg#. %ith .r#am until m- #go .issol(#.

into an un.i''#r#ntiat#. chaos! M- journ#- continu#.!

Da..- .arling th# bloom tr##s .rip pink can.- on th# thigh high blu#

grass %a(ing to th# so't br##3# %h#r# am $ < 7##t ma.# o' l#a. th# sk-2s

too bright! Mo(#m#nt up ah#a.! / '#% -ar.s o'' a rob#. man 'ac# torn

%ith .##p scars an. stitch#s lips t%ist#. horribl# rais#s a r#ap#r2s sickl#an. brings it .o%n! / 'ountain o' .##p mag#nta bloo.

spra-s up lik# a 'ountain 'rom a %hal#s back an. th# grass parts a h#a.

com#s rolling to%ar. m# stops a '#% '##t a%a- a strang#r2s 'ac#

grimac#s up at m# %i.#*#-#s aghast! $ clamb#r back an. g#t to m- '##t!

>ig black ants cra%l out o' th# grass ant#nna# t%itching pushing bla.#s

asi.# an. gath#r at his #ars! h#- sur' a plump pal# -#llo% cat#rpillar

o(#r th#ir backs lik# a con(#-#r b#lt an. .rop it .o%n! $t scrambl#s upth# man2s 'ac# tin- black l#gs gripping his lips nos# th#n atop his h#a.!

:%a-ing rh-thmicall- it2s h#a. splits op#n into a %i.# mouth an. in

'als#tto it sings out into th# gloriousl- shining .a- @ ,aaaa la ,a la ,/

laaaaaa la ,a la la laaaaaaaaA $ts corrugat#. back b#gins to rippl# lik# a

sh##t in th# %in.! :harp black sticks burst through its skin a bab- %asp

climbs out 'ollo%#. b- s#(#ral oth#rs! h#- cl#an o'' th# gobs o' gor#

lik# a cat! h# m#lo.- br#aks cracks shri#ks pi#rc# th# #as- a't#rnoon!

h# %asps shak# 'r## o' th# bloo. th#n 'lutt#r into th# %hit# ski#s!

M#an%hil# th# ants grip %ith po%#r'ul pinc#rs th# man2s #ars pullingstr#tching an. t#aring th#m! h#- carr- bir.s '#ath#rs an. balls o' som#

rubb#r- substanc# to th# h#a.! :oon #ntir#l- it is a%ash in ants t##ming

%ith th# black ins#cts! =(#ntuall- th#- .rain o'' r#(#aling a smooth

%hit# skull 'r#shl- stripp#. o' all skin! h# #-#s ho%#(#r ar# intact

li(ing th#- glar# at m# insi.# thos# black ca(#rns! /s th# ants l#a(#



marching in a lin# .isapp#aring into th# tall grass $ notic# %h#r# th#

man2s #ars onc# %#r# no% protru.# t%o small .o(#2s %ings! :lo%l- on#

rais#s th#n th# oth#r! h#- b#gin to 'lap! h# scarr#. man %ith th#

sickl# runs crashing through th# brush! h# cranium struggl#s o'' th#

groun. ho(#rs unst#a.il- ris#s to m- 'ac# %ings b#ating ma.l- $ star##-# to #-# th# -#llo%ish corn#a2s r#'l#cting som# m#nacing int#llig#nc#

or is it 'ri#n.l-< $t 'lutt#rs o'' tilting in th# air just as th#

man l#aps up an. s%ings his sc-th# missing b- inch#s! $ %atch as it

b#com#s small#r an. small#r! $t m##ts up %ith oth#r 'l-ing h#a.s a 'lock

o' th#m black an. roun. against th# blaring %hit# sk-!

h# man to%#rs o(#r m# b#nt an. hobbl#. against th# bla3ing sk-! /

'ilth- black rob# .rap#. o(#r his bon- 'ram#! ;is bloo.l#ss 'ac# looks asi' it ha. b##n chopp#. apart th#n clumsil- stitch#. back tog#th#r! / tooth

pi#rc#s a s%oll#n lip! ;is gr#at sorro%'ul s#a gr##n #-#s s%##p o(#r m#

#mb#..#. in l#ath#r skin! ;# l#ans to%ar. m# smiling horribl- an.

la-ing his m#at- han. on m- shoul.#r in a rough grumbl# sa-s K$ .i.

not com# to call th# right#ous but sinn#rs to r#p#ntanc#!A M- h#art

thu..#.! M- throat %#nt .r-! $ struggl#. to k##p m- l#gs 'rom shaking!

/ singl# .rop o' p#rspiration sli. .o%n m- 'or#h#a.! With on# smooth

motion h# s%ip#. his sc-th# un.#r m- torso hol.ing m- ga3#! $ .rop toth# groun. %ith a thu.! What happ#n#.< $ look up! ripp#. g#ntl- h#

hol.s a s#(#r#. l#g cut 'rom th# kn## up! :trings o' gor# b#a.#. %ith

bloo. s%ing 'rom th# 'l#sh! / sick#ning s#nsation broiling in m- gut lik#

a s%arm o' .#lirious b##s! M- skin %#nt clamm-! >loo. .rains 'rom m-

'ac#! @h go. pl#as#!!!A $ ma.# a sil#nt pra-#r as panic cut into m-

h#art! $ 'orc# m- #-#s to turn .o%n%ar. an. look! "rickl- horror mounts

in m- throat! M- l#'t l#g gon#! Warm bloo. pools b#n#ath m# as it glugs

'rom th# %oun.! $ t%ist aroun. an. (omit th#n %ip# m- mouth %ith th# back o' m- han. an. turn back to th# man back to him just as th# bla.#

com#s 'lashing .o%n an. cuts into m- shoul.#r! $t struck in lik# a

cl#a(#r in m#at h# -anks an. pushs it slicing an. sa%ing through th#

bon# an. 'l#sh! M- right arm .rops o'' ! $ %atch#. m-s#l' scr#am



h-st#ricall- gurgling an. choking %ith '#ar m- on# goo. arm 'lailing!

:till th# man

smil#. grot#s+u#l-! ;# '#ll to his kn##s put th# sc-th# .o%n an. took

out a sil(#r han. a! Eais#. it high! :pr#a. his %i.# han. on m- ch#st tohol. m# still! $ cl#nch#. m- t##th an. clamp#. shut m- #-#s! h%ack

h%ack :#aring pain snak#. aroun. m- bo.- s#n.ing t#n.rils o'

molt#n 'ir# coursing throughout m- bo.-! $ scr#%#. m- courag#!

C#nturi#s pass#.! $ op#n#. m- #-#s! ;# h#l. a potato sack .ripping %ith

bloo. 'ill#. %ith m- groaning #tr#miti#s! /rml#ss an. l#gl#ss $

s+uirm#. path#ticall- lik# an ob#s# cat#rpillar! ;# kn#lt o(#r m# his hot

rank br#ath against m- 'ac#! ;# took out a sil(#r butch#rs kni'# an.

stabb#. it into m- b#ll- it ma.# a ripping soun. lik# can(as th#n $

pull#. it across an. slit m- bo.- op#n lik# a 'ish! M- soul groan#. in

.##p r#(ulsion! $ coul.n2t br#ath! ;# s#t about r#mo(ing m- organs!

With utmost car# h# li't#. th#m out .ripping %ith bloo. an. black bil#

placing th#m g#ntl- b#si.# m#! $ turn#. m- h#a. asi.#! $ conc#ntrat#.

on th# long bla.#s o' blu# grass aroun. m# sprouting 'rom th# rich .ark

#arth! $ coul. '##l his col. 'ing#rs mo(ing about insi.# m- bo.-! @Wak#*

upA $ s+u#ak#. s%allo%#. b#gan to scr#am (oic# 'alt#ring an. %il.

@Wak# up ;#lp ;#lp :om#on# %ak# m# upA (#r an. o(#r! h# cut*

up man giggl#. girlishl-! ;# li't#. m- #mpt- torso an. thr#% m# into a potato sack! $ %as alon# %ith th# .arkn#ss! :mall ins#cts tickl#. m-

ch##ks as th#- scurri#. o(#r m- 'ac#! $ (agu#l- r#call b#ing carri#. on a

mag#nta cushion to an ol. king s#r#n# atop an #normous ornat# thro%n!

$ coul. not s## his 'ac# as h# h#l. up a roun. gol.#n mask o' th# sun

%ith #-# hol#s cut out! ;is j#st#r in harl#+uin .r#ss shook his h#a.

appro(ingl- an. $ %as brought a%a-!

M- #-#s shot op#n an. $ l#ap#. to m- '##t! :haking (iol#ntl- $ ch#ck#.m- limbs! $ %as all th#r#! $ look#. aroun.! $n 'ront o' m# th# ca(#

#ntranc# pr#(iousl- $ ha.

#ncount#r#.! $t glitt#r#.! 7l#cks o' shin- m#tals sparkl#. in its granit#! /

monk * Mahāk āś-apa * sat b#si.# its #ntr-! $ ran up to him!



>ut m- %or.s %#r# lost in th# storm! h# 'lam# 'lutt#r#. an- mom#nt

r#a.- to .isapp#ar thro%ing shak- sha.o%s on th# ca(# %alls! h#n at

th# p##k o' it2s '#rocit- th# %in. abruptl- .i#.! :il#nc#! $ sigh#. %ith

r#li#' .rain#. an. #haust#.! hank go. th# light %as still %ith us!

/ blank#t o' pro'oun. sa.n#ss o(#rcam# on m- soult! h# atmosph#r#

thick#n#. %ith h#art*ach#2s gra- acc#nt! M- min. b#cam# a lump o'

mu. pr#ssing .o%n on m- #-#s! Mahāk āś-apa stopp#. grabb#. m-

%rist an. motion#. to a hol# in th# %all about th# si3# o' pin#appl#! $

un.#rstoo. $ %as to put m- h#a. through! / 'atalistic ani#t- gripp#. m-

soul as $ plung#. m- h#a. into th# .ark cr#(ic#! >lackn#ss! / stal# h#at!

$n th# .istanc# an orang# glo%! $t bright#n#.! ;#a. .o%n in .##p

thought an anci#nt looking man sat at an oak#n .#sk pil#. high %ith-#llo%#. pap#r an. l#ath#r boun. books man- o' %hich litt#r#. th#

'loor cak#. %ith .ust! :u..#nl- $ 'oun. m-s#l' in th# sam# room as him!

$ sat opposit# in a %orm- .amp %oo.#n chair! ;# ha. a bulbous r#.

nos# unh#alth- skin that r#min.#. m# o' jaun.ic#! ,ong %hit# tr#llis#s

o' hair lik# rop# int#r%o(#n into his b#ar. trail#. in rop#s o(#r his nak#.

bo.- s%irling on th# 'loor 'ollo%ing its snak- trail $ sa% it circl# s#(#ral

tim#s aroun. th# room o(#r an. un.#r

thick books th#n m-st#riousl- climbing th# %alls lik# i(- an. spr#a.out o(#r th# c#iling so that %# s##m#. to sit b#lo% a carp#t#. sk-9 it also

ga(# th# impr#ssion that th# %all inst#a. o' his h#a. ha. sprout#. th#

hair an. k#pt him chain#. in th# rooms c#nt#r %ith it! :pi.#rs %#b

int#rmingl#. %ith th# knott- rop#s o' gra- an. %hit# hair an. in.##. $

sa% r#. an. black spi.#rs running up an. .o%n th#m as i' th#-

constitut#. a compl# n#t%ork o' ins#ctoi. high%a-! $n.##. $

#n(ision#. his hair as on# (ast %#b %ith his anci#nt h#a. at th# c#nt#r

motionl#ss lik# a spi.#r in %aiting! ;unch#. o(#r a book #-#s int#ns#an. unmo(ing ha. %ritt#n in it an ali#n script %at#r .amag#. spilt

%ith black ink! ;is on# han. clutch#. an unsharp#n#. p#ncil! $ sat an.

%ait#.! /n. %ait#.! 7inall- h# rais#. t%o ol. -#llo% orbs to m- 'ac#

an. lo%#r lip tr#mbling spok# in a rasp- %hisp#ring (oic# @h#r# ar#

so man- rul#s Jon! :o man- (ariabl#s! What -ou kno%!!! %hat -ou can



kno%!!!!is N;$NA ;# spat out this %or. (#h#m#ntl- an.

continu#. his %or.s cam# long an. monotonous @What -ou n##. to

kno% is sooo littl# an. #(#n that -ou kno% not! You can kno% it

through li(ing! You hi.# 'rom th# li(ing curl#. up in th# %armth o' -our

o%n skull thro%ing up imag#s to hi.# th# giant snak# 'rom consuming-ou! You ar# not long 'or this li'# an. 'at# %ill crush -ou i' -ou p#rsist in

%aiting! Your soul is '#ar 'i#.! You must loos#n it rust in go.!!!trust

in this sa. brok#n %orl.! Do not put -our 'aith in languag# but in th#

l#icon o' s-mbols in art! ,o(# bit#s -ou lik# a scorpion b#caus# its

(#nom is ma.# o' -our o%n spit# Your stupi. pri.# an. chil.ish '#ars!

No on# car#s about -our littl# cock or path#tic %hin#s! You ma- b# sur#

o. is .isappoint#. in -ou! >ut it ma- b# too lat#!!!-ou ar# so

.amag#.!!! an. sti''! Cong#al#.! / soli. mass o' in'#rior stu''s! You buil. -our hous# on %or.s on books on

kno%l#.g#! M#an%hil# -ou star(# -our h#art! Without lo(# N;$N

%ill b# %orth%hil# an. -ou ar# not bra(# #nough to lo(#! :o to h#ll Jon

to h#ll an. h#ll again! Fntil -ou ar# brok#n compl#t#l-! Do not .oom m#

to isolation! $ am h#r# b#caus# o' -ou! ' -our '#ar! >ut -ou ar# too

goo. to hat# oth#rs! You hat# -ours#l' inst#a. !A ;# %h##3#. an.

cough#.! / tin- black spi.#r ha. cra%l#. onto m- shoul.#r! $n a 'amiliar

(oic# it sai. @$ sa- hat# oth#rs Fnl#ash -our rag# i' -ou %ill not -ourlo(#A :tartl#. $ 'lung th# bug o'' m# an. shot up to m- '##t knocking

th# chair on its si.#! h# spi.#r lan.#. on th# ol. mans ch##k an. stai.

th#r#! $ look#. .o%n! Coils o' rop#- hair t%in#. aroun. m- l#gs! $ tri#.

to mo(# but coul. not! $t climb#. high#r * to m- thighs an. %aist a't#r

gaining a '#% inch#s it %oul. tight#n to s#cur# its#l' th#n mo(# up! h#

ol. man continu#. #-#s .#a. his 'ac# an. (oic# #pr#ssionl#ss @M-

littl# 'ri#n.s an. $ ha(# (###rr- int#r#sting philosophical .#bat#s!

:pi.#rs ar# naturall- philosophicall- .ispos#. -ou kno%! $t is b#caus#th#- ar# 'ac# to 'ac# %ith th#ir pr#- an. must r#concil# th#ms#l(#s to

killing anoth#r b#ing on th# l#(#l o' th#ir o%n #ist#nc# in or.#r to

maintain th#ms#l(#s! Cons#+u#ntl- th#- ha(# #(ol(#. (#r- sophisticat#.

thought s-st#ms to .#al %ith th#ir #ist#ntial situation! You coul. l#arn a

lot 'rom th#m Jon 'or th#- act th#n think -ou think th#n #scap#!!!!A h#



rop#s o' hair %rapp#. aroun. m- ch#st s+u##3ing th# br#ath 'rom m#!

Ma.l- $ grabb#. an. cla%#. at th# hair h#r# an. th#r# br#aking 'r## a

thin stran. %hich th#n m#r#l- %oun. about m- 'ing#rs m- han. th#n

arm! :oon $ %as cocoon#. in his hair scarc#l- abl# to br#ath onl- m-

h#a. (isibl#! h# anci#nt man took in a .##p br#ath an. %hil# h#continu#. $ notic#. #(#r-%h#r# black spi.#rs climbing out o' his hair

th# %alls an. c#iling thick %ith th#m! @You #at an.

#at to 'or#stall pro.uction! W#ll on# .a- th#- %ill .rag it out o' -ou! $

.o not kno% about sal(ation or %h#r# it li#s 'or $ ha(# n#(#r b##n ali(#

an. th# .#a. ha(# no n##. o' such things -#t -ou k##p +u#stioning m#

an. b#gging m# 'or to-s %h#n -ou %ant puss- asking m# 'or

un.#rstan.ing %h#n onl- th# soul an. th# bo.- ar# capabl# o'

un.#rstan.ing an. $ ha(# n#ith#r an. -ou kno% not o' #ith#r! What -ou

ha(# th# %orl. much a.mir#s b#caus# it %ill not cruci'- its p#tt- gi'ts to

a high#r un.#rstan.ing! $' -ou k##p on $ %ill sho% -ou *A /ll th#

spi.#rs l#apt to att#ntion th#n su..#nl- charg#. .o%n th# string- hair

to%ar.s m# a scr#am 'orm#. in m- throat but b#'or# $ coul. l#t it out

massi(# hoar. spi.#rs stamp#.#. .o%n m- throat $ snapp#. shut m-

ja% grin.ing an. ch#%ing an. s%allo%ing th#m but oth#rs s%arm#.

o(#r m- h#a. s%allo%ing it in a s#a o' broiling ins#ct l#gs th#- sho(#.

th#ir %a- up m- nos# an. $ op#n m- mouth inhaling spi.#rs chokingan. spitting packing into m- #ars 'orcing th#ir %a-s into m- clos#.

#-#li.s th#- must ha(# gott#n .o%n too 'or $ '#lt th#r# tickling l#gs

s+u##3ing up m- anus into m- int#stin#s th#n * .arkn#ss!

!!!!!a D#mon ,o(#r is a lo(#r still!!!!!

@$ .on2t kno% ho% to #atA $ scr#am lai. out in mu. a%ak#ning to a

.om#. pal#

blu# sk-! $ sit up! Massag# m- aching ja%! Wh#r# ha(# m- sho#s gon#< $

labor to m- '##t! 7##ls lik# gobs o' cotton stick in m- mouth! Wat#r! $

n##. %at#r! / craggil- rust r#. .#s#rt str#tch#s out b#'or# m#! Cactus

burn lik# blu# 'lam#. can.l#s! $ jog 'or%ar.! =(#r-%h#r# thr#a.*lik#

%orms %a(# 'rom out a million punctur#s in this .r- lan.! h#- pop an.



s+uish un.#r th# sol#s o' m- '##t! h# sun an #gg shap#. orb %##ps in

th# sk- plump .rops o' bloo. 'all on th# hori3on! h# sun2s c#nt#r op#ns

up an. black st#m*l#ss

ros#s 'all slo%l- .o%n to th# #arth carp#ting th# lan. %ith black silk- p#tals! $ op#n m- han. palm %ar.s to catch th#m! h#- 'litt#r o(#r m-

'ac# '##ling cool against m- burning skin! Wh#r# th#- lan. on th# 'i#r-

cacti th#- burst an. crackl# lik# a hurt tooth! h# storm has pass#.! @$

.on2t kno% %h#r# to 'in. %at#rA $ -#ll! $ s## a camp 'ir#! / man2s

s#(#r#. h#a. sits b#si.# it it2s top scalp#.! %o p#ncil*thin arms

protru.# 'rom th# cranium an. pull th# h#a. along as i' it %#r# a sh#ll

'or %hat#(#r cr#atur# r#si.#. insi.#! $ com# to a stop! / -oung girl

pranc#s to%ar. m#! :h# is glorious in h#r pink nu.it-! $ %atch th#

muscl#s un.ulating h#r long l#gs h#r 'ull p#ar br#asts h#a(# an. h#r

smooth appl# ch##k#. 'ac# .impl# as sh# smil#s an. coos @$ kno%

about %at#r! 7ollo%!A :h# turns an. $ 'ollo% #ntranc#. b- h#r ros- tight

buttocks! ;#r 'orm is bliss! :ilk- short black hair bobbing %# com# to a

ca(# #ntranc#! $t is not larg# #nough 'or m# to #nt#r! W# go aroun. an. $

'in. t%o m#n! n# is monstrousl- ob#s# unabl# to mo(# a gigantic

mountain o' 'l#sh! Crabs cra%l o(#r him picking 'oo. bits o'' his

tonnag#! ;is #-#s s##m small sunk into his 'l#sh- 'ac# %hit# sph#r#s o'

t#rror pin prick black pupils! / crab sits on his 'ac# pulling slabs o'roun. shin- m#at 'rom un.#r his right #-# li.! n# a't#r anoth#r th#-

com# th# crab .rops th#m to th# groun.! N#t to him stan.s a sk#latin#

man ribs poking through his %orn skin that clung to him lik# a %#t shirt!

D#a. 'ish #-#s ring#. %ith .##p black circl#s %atch us! ;# sighs! 7rom

atop a cli'' a nak#. gol.#n h#lm#t#. arch#r jumps .o%n! ;is ch#st

op#n#. %ith a gaping hol#! $nsi.# a chil. sl##ps n#stl#. in his ribs! ;#

sa-s @=(#r- .a- 'oo. is lai. out 'or th#s# t%o broth#rs! $t must b# #at#n

but on# %ill not #at b#caus# h# has no hung#r in him! h# oth#r hung#rsonl- as is natural 'or a man to hung#r but must #at th# oth#r2s portion

against his %ill! $n this %a-

both ar# star(ing both .i#!A ,ik# a r##k go. h# stan.s! ol.#n

;#lmut gol.#n boots bo% an. arro%s slung o(#r his chis#l#. back!



h#n h# scoops out th# chil. 'rom his ch#st an. plac#s it b#t%##n th#

t%o m#n! $t sl##ps t#n.#rl- tin- ch#st rising an. 'alling %ith its tin-

br#aths! :o 'ragil#! / tu't o' blon. hair pla-s in th# %in.! h# arch#r

points to th# chil. an. sa-s @hat Jon is your m#al!A $ look to th# girl

sh# blush#s an. giggl#s! @$ cannot ing#st that chil.! Wh-<A

@o gain innoc#nc#!A ;# r#pli#s!

@$ s#arch 'or %at#r an. 'or %is.om an. th# kno%l#.g# o' ho% to #at!A

@n# must #at %ith a chil.2s #-#s * %ithout corrupt (ision!A

@/n. i' $ #at this chil. $ %ill l#arn ho% to #at<A

@You %ill l#arn to lo(#!A

@Must $ l#arn this 'irst<A

;# no.s maj#sticall- an. a..s @/ chil. can not '#ast on cockroach#s!A

$ mo(# to th# sl##ping bab#! #n.#rl- #(#r so car#'ull- li't him up! $

cra.l# him in m- arms! $ ga3# into his 'ac#! ;is #-#li.s so thin th#- ar#

almost transpar#nt! ;# str#tch#s in m- arms an. sighs! ;is skin is so

so't! ;is #-#s op#n! "ools o' blackn#ss! $ hol. him out in 'ront o' m#!h# chubb- bab# lo(#s m#! h# /rch#r sli.#s a chair b#hin. m# an. $

collaps# into it! $ op#n %i.# m- mouth str#tch m- ja%s until th#- b#gin

to ach# %i.# %i.# impossibl- %i.# m- ja% unhing#s lik# a snak#

slo%l- $ gui.# th# chil. into th# .ark ca(#rns o' m- mouth sali(a .rips

on its h#a. an. it s+uirms 'arth#r .##p#r in! $ '##l it lo.g#. in m- throat

an. $ s%allo% it .o%n %ith on# might- pain'ul gulp!

@,ook!A h# arch#r points to m- ch#st! $t is op#n#. up th# out#r rim o'

'l#sh pulsat#s to

th# rh-thm o' m- h#art! h# chil. is n#stl#. th#r# sl##ping! M- skin

gro%s o(#r th# %oun. closing th# hol#! h# sun stops bl##.ing! $ts

c#nt#r op#ns up an. a human han. str#tch#s out r#aching .o%n to m# it

stops in 'ront o' m- 'ac# its 'ist op#ns to r#(#al a tin- orang#*si3#. sun



sparkling .i(in#l- th# brightn#ss blin.s m# 'or a mom#nt an. $ s## th#

han.s mo(# into m- stomach a molt#n h#at spr#a.s throughout m-

ab.om#n! h# han. r#tr#ats palm #mpt- back into th# sun! @/m $

h#al#.<A $ ask th# arch#r! @n# mor# thing ,i# .o%n!A $ .o! h# groun.

is so't %ith black ros# p#tals! h# girl climbs atop m#! M- stomachtight#ns! M- 'ists pump! :h# stra..l#s m# %ith h#r thighs an. th# %#ight

o' h#r b#aut- su''ocat#s m#! ;#r bo.-2s h#at m#lts m- long su''#ring

h#art! :h# smil#s t#n.#rl-! Mo(#m#nt out o' th# corn#r o' m- #-# *

crabs< With sharp pinc#rs th#- climb onto m- 'ac# an. b#gin t#aring

apart m- moth an. lips! M- scr#ams gurgl# past thick bloo. * m- mouth

shr#..#. no% a bloo.- gaping hol#! h# girl s+u#als in .#light! :h#

l#ans o(#r an. kiss#s m- throbbing gums th#n pulls out sil(#r pli#rs

%hich grip a tooth! :h# tugs! h# skin o' m- chin str#tch#s! $t '##ls lik#m- ja% bon#s %ill br#ak o''! :nap h# tooth trailing string- n#r(#s

pops out an. sh# proc##.s to r#mo(# all m- t##th on# b- on#!

$nt#rmitt#ntl- $ pass out th#n com# to onl- to laps# into .arkn#ss again!

;#r n-mphs bo.- sm#ar#. %ith bloo. sh# titt#rs! $ hol. h#r hips an. '##l

th# %#ight o' h#r bo.-! :h# l#aps o'' ! $ %atch h#r .anc# an. s%irl h#r

hot 'l#sh pulling %on.rous an. strang# .#sir#s 'rom m- bo.-! :hr#..#.

'l#sh hangs in strips 'rom th# lo%#r part o' m- 'ac#! @No% -ou %ill not

#at ba. thingsA sa-s th# /rch#r b#'or# springing o'' into a n#arb- %oo.!@C2mon C2mon Wat#r $ kno% %h#r# %at#r isA :h# bounc#s a%a- an.

$ lop# a't#r h#r kicking crabs out o' m- %a-! @You %oul. sa(# m#<A $

garbl#!

@What<A $ manag# to articulat# as %# mo(# into col.#r climat#! :mall

shrubs stick 'rom a har. #arth .otting th# barr#n lan.scap#! @$' $ %#r#

-our moth#r $ think -ou %oul. sa(# m# 'rom th# .ragon onl- to slit m-

throat!A $ gurgl# an inarticulat# @$ .on2t un.#rstan.A as $ a.mir# h#r

'in# shoul.#r bla.#s so smooth an. 'r#sh! :h# stops an. turns to m# points up! h#r# in a clou.l#ss gra-*%hit# sk- hangs an #normous so't*

glo%ing 'ull blu# moon! @Mur.#rA sh# sa-s han.s girlishl- on h#r hips

@is 'orgi(#n in a blu# moons light!A h#n sh# turns an. continu#s! $

'ollo% l#gs aching an. on 'ir# s%#at poring in ri(ul#ts 'rom m- bro%!

h# bloo. no% .r- caking m- lo%#r 'ac#! h# groun. is no% chalk



%hit# blurring at th# hori3on %ith th# .ull %hit# sk-! /bruptl- sh# stops!

>#a.s o' p#rspiration shining on h#r grac#'ul bo.-! /n #n.l#ss 'ro3#n

lak# str#tch#s b#'or# us! :h# points to it an. sa-s @:##< Wat#rA h#n

skips o(#r to m# an. .rops to m- '##t lost in h#r o%n thoughts %hil#

abo(# .r#ams a blu# moon .r#ams o' mur.#rous thoughts! @$t2s 'ro3#n! $can2t .rink it!A $ sa-! :h# pa-s no att#ntion collaps#. in lo(#lin#ss sh#

t%irls h#r silk- curls! $ r#p#at m- s#l'! @Fs# th# sun in -our h#art!A :h#

sa-s almost anno-#. at m- sill- +u#stion! @What< ;o% can $ *A :h#

springs up an. kiss#s m#! ;#r so't lips s#n.ing puls#s o' %arm bliss to

m- h#art till th# sun insi.# burns! M- bo.- h#ats up scorching m-

bon#s! :h# runs h#r han.s o(#r m- bo.- an. $ hol. h#r tight n#arl-

cr-ing 'rom jo-! :h# l#ts go tak#s a st#p back! $ op#n m- #-#s! :%irling

prismatic light pla-s about th# h#a(#ns! @o no% Fs# it corr#ctl- A sh#sa-s pointing to th# 'ro3#n lak#! $ 'all at its #.g# an. mo(# m- blist#ring

han. o(#r its sur'ac#! $t m#lts %a- r#(#aling cl#ar %at#rs b#n#ath!

:tarting at th# %at#rs #.g# th#n +uickl- spr#a.ing o(#r th# #ntir# lak#

m- h#at #ats a%a- th# ic#! / smooth opal pool o' %at#r hol.s its br#ath

b#'or# us! $ cool .o%n an.

look back at h#r! :h# is stan.ing still arms at h#r si.#s! =pr#ssion

blank staring strait ah#a.! @/r# -ou < ;#llo<A $ ask but sh# .o#s not

mo(#! $ grab h#r %rist but h#r arm is col.! ;#r skin is blush an. sallo%!h# li'# has .rain#. 'rom h#r ch##ks an. th# 'l#sh s##ms m#r#l- to cling

to h#r p#tit# 'ram#! h# thirst is torturing m#! $ go back to th# lak# b#n.

o(#r an. .ip m- 'ac# in its cool %at#rs! $ tr- to suck it up but it just

.ribbl#s back out! /gain an. again m- mouth is %#tt#. but $ can not

.rink! M- bl##.ing gums r#..#ns th# %at#rs to a light pink! @$ can not

.rinkA $ cr- @$ .o not kno% ho% to .rink ;#lp m#!A $ stumbl# back

o(#r to th# girl 'all to m- kn##s an. %rap m- arms aroun. h#r lust-

thighs! >uri#. m- 'ac# in h#r moist %omanhoo. $ %#pt! @:h# is not th#on#!A / (oic# o' authorit- %hisp#rs 'rom out o(#r th# still %at#rs! @:h#

is not 'or -ou!A >ut $ .i. not turn aroun.! ;#r skin lik# lil- p#tals against

m- h#at#. ch##ks $ s+u##3#. h#r an. %oul. not l#t go! @ak# -our h#a.

out o' th# hol#! $t is tim# to continu# .o%n th# ca(#s path %hil# th#

can.l# burns! Do not ling#rA Mahāk āś-apa2s smooth (oic# urg#.! $



ga3# o(#r m- shoul.#r an. s## th# lak# is onc# again co(#r#. %ith ic#!

n th# shor# o' a 'ro3#n lak# $ grasp#. th# unnam#. %om#n 'or all

#t#rnit- scar#. to mo(# l#st th# mom#nt pro(# 'als#! hat %as th# last

(ision! $ coul. not go on! $ ha. not th# skill or abilit-! :o $ r#turn#. to

th# (all#- %h#r# m- lo(#l- ,#na .i. not lo(# m#!

Chapt#r hirt-

7or a long tim# $ sa% but things but th#- .i. not touch m#! h#- #nt#r#.

n#ith#r m- h#art nor soul an. $ stoo. aloo' 'rom th# oth#rs! ,ik# Carl $

%oul. not sp#ak! $

simpl- ha.n2t th# str#ngth to %ill it! ,#na stoo. o(#r m#! :p#aking! $2.%atch h#r lips mo(# an. t%ist 'orming %or.s $ .i. not both#r to

r#cogni3#! $ '#lt th# still born .#sir#s la- p#tri'i#. in m- loins! $ coul.

not conn#ct to it! oo much ha. happ#n#. too +uick! :h# cri#. %hil#

#mbracing m# ,#na! h#ophan sta-#. b- m- si.# intoning pra-#rs

brushing m- hair an. #(#n sha(ing m#! $ coul. not br#ak o' that .#athl-

tranc#! :#th2s larg# shagg- h#a. shook sa.l- as h# turn#. his on# .og2s

#-# .o%n to m- 'all#n imag# @"oor bastar.!A $ h#ar. #(#r-thing! Y#lling

brok# out occasionall-! $ .i. not look up but k#pt m- #-#s to th# groun.!

$ look#. upon all things %ith #+ual .isint#r#st! h# groun. just as goo.

as anoth#r thing! nl- %ith ,#na .i. $ '##l som#thing! :om#thing (#r-

much lik# li'#! $ %oul. con'us# this plac# m- (isions an. m- m#mori#s

o' r#al li'# * th# li'# $ l#a. no% at this comput#r alon# an. h#art*torn!

@Was that ol. man still pulling out m- guts an. #ating m#<A $ %on.#r#.!

What %as h#< / librarian< / simpl# cl#rk< r nothing at all! /

sup#rnatural l#tharg- la- upon m- b#ing making it impossibl# 'or m# to

stir #(#n %ithin m- o%n min.! rapp#.! /s in a jail c#ll %ith th# .oor

%i.# op#n but unabl# to rous# on#s#l' to #it! Da-s pass#.! Nights cam#an. %#nt! :till th# sl##p .ro%n#. m# in it2s mu.! $ %oul. not buckl#! ,#t

m- li'# .rain out into th# col. #mpt- plac#s o' spac# to s##p into th#

(oi.s b#t%##n th# n#bula2s sparkling smok- 'orms! :h# %ill not g#t it!

@$' $ s## h#r again*th#n $ %oul. kill h#r!A No No! $ must ignor# th#s#

killing %hisp#rs th#- .o in'#st most .ogg#.l- %h#r# li#s a tir#. brain!



M- bon#s %#r# not h#alth- #nough pack#. tight %ith curs#s! ;o% coul.

$ succ##.! h# journ#- %as so long! @Clos# though mightil- clos# to h#r

s#cr#t!A / man can not +u#st #mpt- o' %at#r sin#%s san.*glutt#.! rains

#mb#. th#ms#l(#s in th# so't 'l#sh b#t%##n n#r(# #n.ings! $ spit up

bloo. constantl-

no%! @;# .o#s not look %#ll! ;is skin is gra-! $ '#ar th# potion has

poison#. him!A

No% is th# appropriat# tim# to a..r#ss m- 'utur# s#l' though $ .o but

s## onl- a

sha.o% %h#r# h# shoul. b#! hat is goo.! 7or a sha.o% can not co#ist

%ith abs#nc#! :om#thing o' m# still r#mains! $ b#gin ? @D#ar Jon m-'ri#n. m- #n#m- m- lo(#r %ithout %ings to gui.# *A $ %ant to %rit#

about 'orgi(#n#ss!!!but th# %or.s 'all lik# l#a. bull#ts to th# thirst-

groun.! "#rhaps -ou ha(# som#thing to sa-< >ut $ %on2t list#n!

/noth#r abort#. att#mpt! Who %ill r#scu# m# 'rom this trap o' 'l#sh<

h# spirit is %#ll b#-on. #isting an. th# bo.- a maniac t-rant tossing

lust into th# #-#s o' strang#rs! :h# %ill not go!!!!;o% can $ kno% ;is

lo(# %h#n its human mani'#station #scap#s m#< Do#s o. lust< Can

,uci'#r lo(# an in(isibl# 'at#<

@JonathanA h# %or. cracks m- skull lik# a bat! @What<A W#rth l#ans

o(#r an. slaps m# har.! $ spit out a tooth! ;# gro%ls @Do not 'all back

into slumb#rA

@$ 'ail#.!A $ mumbl#!

h#ophan2s r#assuring (oic# @You ha(# not 'ail#.! You ar# still ali(#!

Wh#r# li'# is h#r t%in sist#r ;op# hi.#s n#arb-!A

@#t ,#na!A W#rth grumbl#s @;#r touch %ill bring li'#! $t is his soul in

h#r that %ill pull him out back to us!!!Jon Do not burr- -ours#l'

'urth#r!A



/h! :h#2s in "u#rto Eico ,#na! $ 'oun. out mom#nts ago! $s that ho%

sh# bu33#s an. chim#s %ith li'#2s #n#rgi#s .i(in#< :h# li(#s! :h# mo(#s

up an. .o%n in th# #arth! :h# #ngag#s %ith th# proc#ss o' lo(ing an.

b#com#s on# %ith th# cr#ati(# b#ing o' natur#! :h#! :h# tak#s! :h# tak#s

on th# (italistic natur# o' li'#2s unstoppabl# jo-ous

'ruit'uln#ss! $! $ am! $ am #haust#. 'rom %r#stling %ith ang#ls an.

.#mons! $n r#st $ %ar! No stopping! What ma.# h#r pick "u#rto Eico

principalit- o' brok#n .#sir#s< Who is sh# %ith! What< You thought sh#

%as imaginar-! :o sh# is! / ghost $ limb#r a't#r to a(oi. tru# 'l#sh! :till

sh# #ists onto h#rs#l'! $ %on.#r %ill this #(#r b# publish#.< h#n %ill

a 'ri#n. on# .a- call h#r up lat# at night on th# t#l#phon# t#lling h#r

sh#2s just b##n r#a.ing this book an. sh# %on2t b#li#(# it but on#

charact#r is cl#arl- h#r! @Di. -ou kno% th# author<A :h#2ll ask! h#n

,#na %ill borro% this book an. %ith ama3#. #-#s '##. o'' m- impot#nt

r#n.#ring o' 'orlorn a''#ctions! Will a t#ar roll .o%n th# #as- slop# o'

h#r so't ros#tt# ch##k< Mor# lik#l- sh# %ill su# m#!

$ kno% br#aking th# narrati(# to luuriat# in #rotic pathos (iolat#s th#

%rit#rS r#a.#r contract! /n #.itor %ill sa- @rim this 'at >ooks

no%a.a-s n##. to b# l#an h#- n##. to grab -ou b- th# balls Cut it in

hal' :hort!!!D#clarati(#!!!:#nt#nc#s!A No(#ls ar# in'#ct#. %ith amasculin# .is#as#! >ut $ pr#'#r '#minin# circular long luuriating

s#nt#nc#s .##pl- mottl#. %ith subtl# hu#s an. m#anings9 not th#

castrat#. %or.s .#(oi. o' #motional truth populat#. %ith charact#rs

soull#ss shu''ling in #mpt- skins %ho #ist onl- as an aggr#gat# o'

actions! n# li(ing critic .ismiss#. "roust * @Di. -ou r#a. him< Di. h#

grab -ou b- th# balls<A h#r# is no t#nsion in "roust! /n. to.a-2s man is

cut through %ith apostat# longings that grin. into #t#rnit-! n# must b#

.ro%n#. an. l#arn to br#ath in th# p#r'um#. s#as o' his hon#-#. pros#!$t is b#caus# his pros# .o#s not ha(# to point b#-on. its#l' #(#n i' o't#n

it .o#s! @#t to th# pointA $ h#ar angr- a.ol#sc#nt critics scr#aming at

"roust @;#2s taking too much o' m- go..amn tim#A $' po#tr- coul. b#

ing#st#. in pill 'orm th#- %oul. pr#'#r it! >ut "roust in(it#s his r#a.#rs

to



participat#!!!!

,at#r in t%o hours or so $ must m##t %ith a man! ;# %ill s## m# in

p#rson an. $ %ill

su''#r sham#! ,#t us not stain this 'in# con(#rsation %ith %h-! >ut $ %ill

sa- it is too much! h# %orl. is too big an. (olatil# too human 'or m#

to 'ac# it al%a-s! $ am hi.ing h#r# in this stor- until o. 'in.s m#! h#

%aking li'# has b#com# a bur.#n! $ %ill stop its ingr#ss into sl##ps r#alm

soon!

$ ha.n2t th# #n#rg- to hop#! :o $ .#ci.#. to l#t th# suici.# blu#s sing m-

sorro%s a%a-! $2. .o it lik# Marc#l! h# n#t .a- $ sat b- th# 'ir#s col.

'lam# %hil# th# moist*l#ss mist clung to th# #arth! :oon %#2. all m##tgath#r in a circl#! W#rth %oul. han. out l##ch#s! h# point#. stick %#

us#. to punctur# its 'l#sh an. .rain out th# li+ui. %oul. b# pass#. to m#

an. $2. stab m-s#l' in th# throat! h#r#2s no %a- out! $t2s a nightmar#!

$2(# l#t #(#r-on# .o%n! $ can2t #(#n 'uck a ghost! alk about

#masculation!!! W#rth sai. m- soul n##.#. to b# 'urth#r 'org#.

r#constitut#. in th# phantom lan.s o' th# unconscious but $ coul.n2t

k##p on! Ma-b# th# Ru##n %as right onl- t%o r#al p#opl# h#r#! :url- $

so '#int o' spirit coul. not count m-s#l' among th#m!/s $ sat numbl- a%aiting that stick h#ophan cam# b- along %ith poor

$saac! h#- sat .o%n n#t to m#! h#ophan cra.l#. $saac lik# a bab-! ;#

turn#. to m# a't#r a mom#nt o' sil#nc# an. p##ring into th# 'og +ui#tl-

sai. @Don2t .o it!A $t startl#. m# 'rom m- moros# r#(#ri#s! $ 'ro3# up!

;# continu#. @Man- h#r# '##l th# sam# %a- but h#r# #(#n h#r# is

o.2s pr#s#nc#!A $ %oul. not look him in th# #-#! ;o% .i. h# kno%<

@What2s happ#ning h#r# 7ath#r< /r# %# in h#ll or limbo< /r# m-

par#nts at hom# %orr-ing th#ir h#arts out i' $2m sa'#< Will %# #(#r g#tout< $ .on2t un.#rstan.!!!!$s this a

punishm#nt<A M- (oic# ha. b#com# hollo% as i' it spok# 'rom an

#mpt- spac#! @$ ha(# no ans%#rs but o. has not 'orgott#n -ou ;# is

h#r# right no%! h# ;ol- h#okatos th# Moth#r o' o. is %atching us



%# ar# in h#r pra-#rs an. :h# %ill not aban.on us! ,#t th# ;ol- Moth#r

'ill -ou %ith hop#! h#r# is anoth#r %orl. Jon 'r## 'rom all this horror!A

@Y#a<A $ .ra%l#. @Was sh# %ith Marc#l thos# last '#% minut#s b#'or#

h# op#n#. a hol# in his n#ck<A $ %atch#. h#ophan out th# si.#s o' m-

#-#s! ;is h#a. .ropp#. an. his shoul.#rs shook! ;# sobb#. into his b#ar.! @h o. 7orgi(# m# Jon $ am an un%orth- pri#st ;is .#ath

%as m- 'ault $ am not %orth-!!!!$ shoul. ha(# b##n strong#r $t %as

pri.#!A ;# h#l. out his arms palms up b#s##ching a sil#nt uni(#rs# @$t

is o.2s plac# to ju.g# an. -#t in a mom#nt o' t#rribl# unconscionabl#

%#akn#ss $ plac#. m-s#l' *A ;is (oic# crack#. h# coul.n2t #(#n sa- it

h# thr#% back his h#a. @$ plac#. m-s#l' abo(# o.A ;# b#nt o(#r

clutching m- 'oot %#tting it %ith his t#ars @7orgi(# m# Jon $ am a

sin'ul man o. sa(# Jon an. all o' th#s# goo. p#opl# 'rom .#struction:a(# us ,or. :a(# m# 'rom *A

;# %#pt uncontrollabl- @$2(# 'ail#. -ou ,or. $2(# 'ail#. -ou!A $ g#ntl-

kick#. him o'' m- sho#! $ b#gan to g#t anno-#.! $ just %ant#. som#

pi#c# *som# r#li#' an. h#r#2s this i.iotic pri#st cr-ing on m- 'oot! ;#

ros# to his kn##s 'i#. m# %ith a mourn'ul star# th#n compos#.

hims#l' an. sat back .o%n! $saac look#. on 'right an. con'usion

%orr-ing his #-#s! ;# hugg#. him tight bur-ing his 'ac# in h#ophans

gr#at bush- b#ar.! @Jon list#n $ am a sin'ul man an. .o not .#s#r(#-our 'orgi(#n#ss but b#li#(# m# %h#n $ t#ll -ou that -our li'# is not

-ours to #n. -ou must 'ight to k##p it! Jon $ %ill h#lp -ou! $ %on2t

aban.on -ou! W# %ill tra(#l this .i''icult path tog#th#r! #ll m# -our

troubl#s $ %ill tak# th#m upon m-s#l' an. carr- th#m %ith -ou!A ;# sai.

h# also %as pron# to such hurt! ra.uall- $ '#lt l#ss alon# m- bur.#n

li'ting! Nothing ha. chang#. but $ '#lt r#n#%#.! M- courag# gr#%!

h#ophan took som# o' th# h#a(in#ss a%a- 'rom m#! $ b#gan to t#ll himmor# about m-s#l' m- chil.hoo. an. th# .#sp#rat# -#ars o' tortur#.

lon#lin#ss! $ tol. him about th# (isions $ ha.! ;# tol. m# $ ha. b##n

using th# %rong instrum#nts in m- s#arch 'or o.! @Just as on# %oul.

b# 'oolish to #p#ct to 'in. o. %ith a t#l#scop#A ;# couns#l#. @so it

is in using th# int#ll#ct! W#rth is o' th# min. th# #arth is crack#.



purpos#'ull- imp#r'#ct b- .#sign so that %# can p#r'#ct it again an.

again in art *spirit into matt#r (ic# (#rsa! ;# us#s imag#s to s##k o.!

/ll th# saints ho%#(#r t#ach us that o. can b# 'oun. %ith on#

instrum#nt onl- * th# h#art! $' on# %ish#s to 'in. p#ac# o. an. lo(#

on# n##. onl- turn to on#2s broth#r to 'in. all thr##! Cl#ans# th# h#artan. -ou %ill #p#ri#nc# .i(in# lo(#! $ n##. -ou just as -ou n##. m#! W#

ar# all sinn#rs an. n##. #ach oth#r! 7in. -ours#l' in oth#rs!!!A

7rom that .a- on $ ha(# %ant#. to consi.#r m-s#l' a Christian join an

rtho.o church %hich r#tains man- o' th# m-stical original 'la(or o'

#arl- Christianit-! $2(# #(#n look#. th#m up on th# int#rn#t 'oun. on#

n#arb-! $ kno% that %#r# $ to 'ollo% h#ophan2s 'ootst#ps $ must

cruci'- m- .#sir#s 'or %omanl- compan- 'or m- ps-ch# %as ri'# %ith

th# spirits o' th# .#a. torn an. bl##.ing .#mons cla%#. th#ir %a-

through th# .ross o' m- ps-ch# an. W#rth2s path at l#ast o''#r#.

ps-chological %hol#n#ss a chanc# 'or normalc- 'or a r#lationship!

E#main brok#n an. %alk %ith h#ophan l#tting grac# lik# a str#ak o'

light pi#c# through th# crack in m- soul or %alk %ith W#rth an. m#n.

that 'issur# so th# spiritual %at#rs %ill not l#ak out an. 'in. s#l'*

containm#nt!

W#rth2s %a- %as torturous $ n#arl- m#t %ith soul .#ath in thos# '#%.#lirious %##ks9 th# Christian %a- s##m#. not possibl#! h# %a- o' a

Christian %as .iam#tricall- oppos#. to th# %a-s o' man and natur#!

W#rth2s #mbrac#. Natur#2s '#cun. som#tim#s .ark path %hich pass#.

not through th# sunlit 'lo%#r*str#%n paths onl- but %oun. un.#rgroun.

b#n#ath th# oc#ans into th# hollo%s o' #arths cor#! C#rtainl- to m-

mortal un.#rstan.ing th# m#tho. o' W#rth s##m#. mor# compl#t#! "lus

h# ha. ans%#rs! ;# kn#% %h- %# %#r# h#r# * to car# 'or th# 7air-

:ton#s an. ho% to g#t out * consummat# a ph-sical union %ith th#Ru##n o' 'airi#s9 h# #(#n spok# .ir#ctl- to ;#r %hom h# sai. although

not th# spirit .ir#ct r#pr#s#nt#. th# :oul o' Moth#r Natur#! /n. that is

%hat 'inall- .#ci.#. m#! h#ophan ha. no ans%#rs! :o $ chos# th#

Christian path! his li'# is a m-st#r- an. man too pun- sur#l- much too

insubstantial to tak# #(#n a small part o' th# m-st#ri#s o' this uni(#rs#



into his kno%ing! Christianit- o''#rs no #as- com'ort onl- har.

impossibl# /bsolut#s! :ur#l- that %as not a manma.# r#ligion so

'or#ign an. contrar- to man *his .#sir#s an. b#ing* is it!

h#r# is a sit# on th# int#rn#t %h#r# -ou can contact ol. 'ri#n.s 'romhigh school! Min# ar# .#a. or too 'ar lost! $ stumbl#. upon it! $ coul. not

(i#% th#ir pro'il#s %ithout asking p#rmission an. r#(#aling m-s#l'! >ut

$ look#. at th# photos! :miling -oung optimistic 'ac#s taut an. b#calm#.

%ith right#ous #p#ctations! Man- gra.uat#s 'rom impr#ssi(# coll#g#s!

Chil.r#n smiling in moth#r2s arms! :o $ think to %hat $ ha(#

accomplish#. th#s# past t#n -#ars! Man- #p#ri#nc#s but %hat ha(# $

.on#< ;#l. a '#% m#nial jobs n#(#r long#r than a -#ar! a(# up th#

boo3# an. .rugs! $ ha(# as $ just m#ntion#. align#. m-s#l' %ith a

ortho.o Christian attitu.# though -#t ha(# $ to r#all-

#ngag# in it!!!!Dr#% a '#% pictur#s * ma-b# 'our m#.iocr# #''orts! ot up

th# courag# to go to communit- coll#g#!!!his is it though * this book!

No ki.s or marriag# no .#gr##s or car##rs no r#lationships or insights

no tra(#ling no %il. a''airs a +ui#t .-ing that no% is almost com# to an

#n.! oo.! /lthough m- min. %#ari#s o' th#s# ill spun thoughts $ %ill

shar# a po#m %ith -ou #nn-son2s call#. @1865Z66!A

I stood on a tower in the wet,

And New Year and Old Year met,

And winds were roaring and blowing; And I said, “O years, that meet in

tears, Have ye aught that is worth the knowing? Science enough and

exploring, Wanderers coming and going,

Matter enough for deploring,

But aught that is worth the knowing?” Seas at my feet were flowing,

Waves on the shingle pouring,

Old Year roaring and blowing,



And New Year blowing and roaring.

$ am tir#. o' th# .isappointm#nt! $ s## no 'utur# but a .ark pati#nt thing

crouch#. in th# sha.o%s mis#r-*a''lict#.! $t %ill .ism#mb#r m- limbs

.is#ntangl# th#s# '#% m#mori#s an. unlac# m# 'rom this h#a(- jack#to' 'l#sh! ;im $ prais# #(#n as h# .#(ours m#! his cultur# o' .#ath is

strong in m- soul! $ %ant to matt#r!

@You ar# but ill*'orm#. cla- /n. in n##. o' much artistr- -#t b#'or# th#

+u##n %ill s## -ouA W#rth thun.#r#. at m#! W# ha. all gath#r#.

stan.ing aroun. th# 'ir# an. $ l#t him kno% it %as .on#! $ coul. no

long#r .o it his %a-! >#si.#s $ might n#(#r b#

r#a.-! @You %ill kno% %h#n -ou ar# r#a.-A :pit 'linging 'rom hisshaking lips!

@;o% W#rth< Will th#ir b# a sign or %hat< $ r#'us#! $t2s o(#r!A $ sai.!

@You %ill kno% *A ;# took a .##p br#ath# th#n b#llo%#. @Wh#n -ou

:;$A

,ik# a 'ist socking m# in th# gut all th# air l#'t m# lungs! =(#r-on#2s

'ac#s color#. gr##n an. str#tch#.

>ut no% th# !H is blasting t#n '##t 'rom %h#r# $ t-p#! h# p#opl#

.is.ain +ui#t! $ n sil#nc# it b# com#s too ob(ious %hat th#-2(# b#com#

an. %hat th#-2(# lost! $ n#(#r s## him * "aul m- b#st 'ri#n. tonight is a

rar# night! ;# is 'r##! $2m suppos# to b# th#r# no% but talking has

b#com# too .i''icult! $ ha(# nothing to sa- an. 'in. m-s#l' r#li#(#. o'

m- usual #n#rg- to 'ak# it! $ .itch#. him to %rit# an. no% 'in. $ ha(#n2t

th# sil#nc# in %hich to think! $ coul. stop! Call him! /t l#ast l#t him

kno%! $ %on2t! =(#r-on# %alking han. in han. in #mbrac# sittingacross 'rom on# anoth#r at br#ak'ast is alon#! $ s## it! /n in(isibl# 'ilm

co(#rs th#r# bo.i#s making actual contact impossibl#! >#ck#tt an.

:h#r%oo. /n.#rson kn#% it! :o %hat ha(# $ sai. in th#s# coupl#

hun.r#. pag#s< What ha(# $ tri#. to sa-! $ can2t t#ll -ou b#caus# $ can2t

think! h# nois# shouts splint#rs o' point#. .isturbanc# into m- crack#.



skull an. $ can not #scap# t#l#(ision! h# .omicil#s across murmur %ith

its m#nacing static! $t l#aks through %alls shak#s th# bir.s 'rom th# sk-!

Wh- %oul. o. %ant to com# h#r#< o a plac# %h#r# thought is not

possibl#< h# (oic# o' th# ang#ls is .ro%n#. out %ith an #l#ctric %oman

.#sp#rat#l- urging m# to bu- h#r shampoo an. th# mo(i#s ar# lou. an.crack apart! W#2(# ruin#. th# plac# %h#r# soun. is born! $t2s too ba.! $

%ant#. to ruminat# about ,#na! o t#ll -ou about th# tim# %# spok# on a

bri.g#! E#all- th#r# %as n#(#r an- bri.g# but that2s ho% $ r#m#mb#r it!

@With all stan.ing back Hictoria .#ci.#s to st#p inA sa-s th# (oic# 'rom

th# t#l#(ision! Will m- 'ri#n. "aul %ho is onl- 'i't##n minut#s a%a-

%orr- an. com# to th# hous#< Wh#r# can $ hi.#< $ kno% * in th# groun.!

h# sancti'i#. sil#nc# o' th# gra(#-ar. $ ha(# to it2s th# onl- plac# l#'t

%h#r# th# clamor o' .isa''#ctions %on2t 'ollo% m#! $ ha(# h#a.phon#s

an. turn#. up all th# %a- Coplan.2s Non#t 'or :trings clash#s %ith a

tough talking gangst#r r#aching out o' th# H to kill m#! n that

imaginar- bri.g# $ trul- ask#. about h#r ol. lo(#s! @h#- ar# all still m-

'ri#n.sA sh# sai.! @hat surpris#s m#A $ sai. looking .o%n into th#

brackish chopping %at#rs b#lo% .#capitat#. corps#s l#a(# a bron3# trail

in th# curr#nt @usuall- thos# %ith a .##p capacit- 'or lo(# ar# hurt

t#rribl- b- its %oun.s!A :h# glanc#. at h#r sho#s slump#. h#r lo(#l-shoul.#rs an. a %orri#. #pr#ssion look#. to m# @Ma-b# $2(# n#(#r

lo(#. .##pl-!A $ imagin# sh# hasn2t nor .o $ b#li#(# th# capacit- to .o

so pr#s#nt in h#r sl#n.#r t#n.#r 'ragil# 'ram#! hat2s %h#n th# organ

blast#. a cr#sc#n.o o' .##p shatt#ring not#s ! $ts %a(#s s%#pt o(#r th#

railings crashing .o%n on us! h# %hit# marbl# bri.g# str#tch#.

b#t%##n a blu# moon an. a r#. moon! h# gangst#r gro%ls in th# .#pths!

;# %ants Hictoria! $ can o''#r not a thing! @:hit Wh#n -ou l#arn to def-

e-cateA W#rth shouts! / storm +ui#ts in m- c#nt#r! 7ro3#n 'ac#s *:#thWol'gang =ug#n# Chuang th# oth#rs ar# still as %in.mills on th#

lunar sur'ac#! / glo% 'rom insi.# lights up th#ir #-#s! h# sc#n#

str#tch#s out lik# plastic %rap! r##n #l#ctricit- jumps in th# 'og! @$

ha(# not shit!A $ think ama3#. it ha. n#(#r occurr#. to m# b#'or#! $ at#!

$ .rank! >ut $ n#(#r %#nt to th# bathroom! h# %in. %as ho%ling! $



look#. to thos# 'ac#s #mpt- masks soull#ss star#s lik# .olls! =c#pt 'or

,#na! @What2s happ#ning<A ;#r (oic# %a(#ring in th# %in.s %hipping

up h#r hair! /n. so on!!!!!

Chapt#r hirt- n# h# =n. What

@#t ,#na!A W#rth grumbl#s @;#r touch %ill bring li'#! $t is his soul in

h#r that %ill pull him out back to us!!!Jon Do not burr- -ours#l'

'urth#r!A :h# strolls past m#! h# soun. o' crashing %a(#s lulls m-

toiling min. to s%##tn#ss! h# sun2s h#at loos#ns m- muscl#s

massaging th#m into %arm li+ui. bliss! $ .issol(# in its %arm oc#anic

glo%! $ look o(#r! ;#r 'l#shl- bo.- str#tch#. in th# san.! $ cra%l o(#r! $

sa- som#thing! @$ kno%A sh# smil#s #-#s shut in th# sun! $ put m- h#a.

.o%n in*b#t%##n h#r small br#asts m- han. on th# cur(# o' h#r hip! ;#r skin is hot! $ m#lt into h#r '#minin# #ss#nc# an. *

/n. th# mom#nt str#tch#s into #t#rnit- to li(# %ith stars anci#nt in th#

night an.*

/n. $ can not sa- %hat $ shoul. or .o %hat $ must! h#r# is littl# #ls#! $

a%ok# in th# hospital b#.! :#(#n %##ks an. n#arl- s#(#n .a-s in a

coma! 7in#! 7or a%hil# $ am h-po* manic th#n th# ma.n#ss subsi.#s!

,o(# is a possibilit- in thos# %ho can susp#n. thought or l#t lo(# .ro%nth#ir m#ntal 'aculti#s in (ort#2#. bliss! N##.l#ss to sa- $ %rit# to -ou as

a ghost that transluc#nt pink sh#ll#. cr#atur# gna%ing at th# air that $

'or#tol.! M- soul is still in that plac#! $n th# .#s#rt (all#- %aiting 'or th#

ston#s to hatch! Waiting 'or magic an. li'#! Waiting to shit!

$ am a Christian no%! $ sp#n. m- .a-s sp-ing on a blon. -oung %oman!

:h# is bi* polar an. ha. a broth#r %ho committ#. suici.#! >ut sh# %oul.

not $ think ha(# th# 'ortitu.# to t#ach m# th# art o' lo(ing an. mor# p#rtin#nt th# art o' b#ing lo(#.! :till i' $

can hol. on long #nough an. although $ ha(# sai. this #(#r- -#ar 'or

#ight##n -#ars no% p#rhaps $ can los# %#ight 'ak# normalc- g#t a

.#c#nt job an. *



/n. this is li'#! Nothing coh#r#s! h#r# is no #n.! Conclusi(# proo's slip

through tim# an. multipl- birthing monstrous sci#nti'ic killing i.#as!

h#r# is no last %or.! oo.! his is li'#! h#r# ar# no #planations!

=(#r-thing s##ms to mak# s#ns# it is almost un.#rstan.abl# th#r# ma-

b# but th#r# is not a subtl# co.# that can b# .#ciph#r#. an. pro(i.#s ak#-! his is a lockl#ss uni(#rs# an. $ ha(# s##n or #p#ri#nc#. nothing

to abat# m- con'usion o' t#rror!

:till i' $ can .ig out a nich# 'or m-s#l' g#t som# s#curit- a goo. job

an. i' $ allo% Christ into m- li'# th#n ma-b# th# kni'# %ill not cr- out

so lou.l- or %ith such authorit- an. *

/n. no% $ %ill go back an. to imitat# li'# th# high#st compl#m#nt *

unl#ss it b# portra-#. accurat#l-* s#(#r still mor# its coh#r#nc#! / n#%charact#r $2ll intro.uc# * Marc#l2s 'utur# ghost! ;im $2ll sit upon W#rth2s

shoul.#r :#th2s too in or.#r to b#tt#r articulat# th#ir thoughts! Marc#l

al%a-s ha. a knack 'or %or.*smith#r-! $2ll conjur# him straighta%a-!

@Marc#l2s ghost< Will -ou br#ath b#aut- into th# rough h#%n %or.s o'

:#th<A ;# sa-s h# %ill! >ut $2ll l#t -ou list#n in!

@Jon $ m#an to ask -ou about th# t%#l(# boul.#rs! $ts s-mbolism * $ am

r#min.#. o' th# 'amous philosoph#rs ston# o' th# alch#mists!A@$ .o allu.# som#%hat con(olut#.l- to that .uring m- (ision +u#sts!A

@Y#s!!!!/lso $ think o' ubrick his &001!A

@E#all-< ;o% .o -ou m#an host o' Marc#l<A

@W#ll $ %ill t#ll -ou m- impr#ssion bri#'l- o' that 'ilm! $t s##ms to m#

that lik# /.am an. =(# th# ca(# p#opl# li(#. in animal innoc#nc# until

th# black ob#lisk con'#rs kno%l#.g# onto th#m much as th# s#rp#nt in=.#n2s gar.#n .i.! h# n#t #(olutionar- st#p %as 'orc#. #t#rnall-

onto th#m! /n. *A

@7or goo.<A

@"ar.on<A



@Was it 'or th# goo. * th# st#p< $t m#r#l- r#sult#. in (iol#nc#! /n. as

%# s## 'rom bon# to spac#ship this gi't o' tool making %as

accompani#. b- loss o' soul! $n 'act ;al a machin# %as in m-

opinion th# most human charact#r in th# mo(i#! /'t#r th# bon# not a

bush bir. or l#a' is s##n!A

@Y#s it .o#sn2t s##m lik# a gi't! >ut h#r# is %h#r# ubrik2s 'abl# .i''#rs

%ith th# >ibl#2s his (i#% is that this loss o' soul an. (iol#nc# although

in its#l' ob(iousl- a n#gati(# is n#c#ssar- b#caus# a thir. thing %ill

happ#n ? this gi't o' tool making this incr#as# o' kno%ing %ill th#n b#

compl#m#nt#. %ith anoth#r #nlarg#m#nt this tim# o' th# soul an. %h#n

kno%l#.g# an. compassion ar# on# a n#% b#ing a goo. Man %ill

app#ar! $n Christianit- a't#r all %# ar# m#r#l- tr-ing to g#t back to an

original innoc#nc# b#'or# th# 'all ubrick is sa-ing that #(#n th#n it

%as not so gr#at!A

@What has all this to .o %ith m- book<A

@W#ll $ thought th# rock %h#n it split op#n to r#(#al a '#tus a chil. a

s-mbol o' n#% cr#ation %as m#ant to sugg#st a similar #(olution o'

b#ing but as humanit- has abort#. that path an. chos#n th# %a- o'

progr#ss it is lik# th# in'ant .#a.!A@;mmm! E#all- $ ha.n2t ubrick in min. at all!!!!>ut $2ll think on it!

No% back in tim#

-ou go back b#hin. this s#nt#nc# to alight on th# shoul.#rs o' grunting

m#n an. puri'- th#ir ang#r into s#nsibl# .iscours#!!!go!!!!go!!!!to ra(ag#

unit- go!

/r# -ou still th#r# r#a.#r<

=pilogu#

o ,#a. a :ucc#ss'ul Campaign /gainst D#ath

[;#a(- >r#athing\



7irst (oic# ? :##< $ ha(# accomplish#. so much an. it is not #(#n noon! $

ha(# %ash#. th# car .on# th# laun.r- spok#n to >ruc# tak#n car# o'

that tr## branch an. -ou ha(# onl- no% just gott#n up!

:#con. (oic# ? >ut in m- .r#ams $ ha(# .on# much!

7irst (oic# ? Don# much ma-b# but -ou ha(#n2t accomplish#.

an-thing!

:#con. (oic# ? You an. $ ha(# .i''#r#nt notions o' accomplishm#nt! ,#t

us ask QQQ 'or

its tru# .#'inition!

7irst (oic# ? Wh#n< No%< Wh#r#< ;#r#< H#r- %#ll $ %ill ask! D#ar QQQ%hat is th# right an. tru# .#'inition o' accomplishm#nt<

hir. (oic# ? H#ril- $ sa- tru# accomplishm#nt ma- b# accomplish#. in

'our s#parat# %a-s! n# * to participat# in th# Di(in# is to accomplish!

%o * to gi(# 'orm to th# in(isibl# in such a %a- is accomplishm#nt!

hr## * to bring th# #t#rnal into on#2s a%ar#n#ss! ,astl- is in lo(# an

accomplishm#nt o' truth as %#ll!

$ %ill sl##p an. r#st %h#n o.2s ga3# is .istract#. 'rom m- p#rson!

/n. it is man- nights $ ha(# %ait#. un.#r his burning #-# 'or a blink a

.arkn#ss o(#r that implacabl# star#!!!! $ can n#ith#r halt nor slo% this

har. hurtling to%ar.s .#ath2s corn#a! h# 'ulcrum is pass#.! Mom#ntum

t#rminal! $ am th# on# %ho motions this calamit-!

/ not# on th# titl#

h# titl# r#'#rs partl- to th# 'act that th# stor- is tol. in thr## .istinct(oic#s all purporting to b# m# th# author! h# narrator prop#r %ho t#lls

th# stor- sp#aks %ith a r#'in#. rococo #l#ganc#! h# charact#r in th#

stor- %ho is m# int#racting %ith th# oth#r charact#rs sp#aks #ith#r %ith

a sh- urban# %it or %ith common suburban .#spon.#nc- '##bl# an.

introsp#cti(#! hir.l- th#r# is m# as author th# on# %ho has in(#nt#.



th# sp#ak#r th# narrator an. m# th# charact#r %ho pops up no% an.

th#n to r#lat# pr#s#nt .a- som#tim#s r#al*tim# %orl.*%oun.#.

proc##.ings!

Camus on Acid

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