Calendar Girls Script

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Transcript of Calendar Girls Script

Calendar Girls Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Calendar Girls script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Helen Mirren, Julie Walters, Ciaran Hinds, yadda yadda. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Calendar Girls. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest. Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Calendar Girls ScriptSo, ladies, straight to the high point of our meeting, our guest speaker.

I'm very pleased to welcome Alan Rathbone from York,

who's gonna be giving us a talk on the history of the Milk Marketing Board.

Thank you, Alan.

Good evening, ladies of the Women's Institute.

Ladies, I'd like to welcome Iris Benton from llkley.

She's come to lead us through the fascinating world of rugs.

I beg your pardon, Iris. I stand corrected.

It's not just rugs. It's all forms of carpeting.

Thank God. For a minute there I thought it was going to be dull.

Thank you, Iris.

Our round -the-world cruise started in September in Skipton,

when we booked the tickets.

That's them. They were a special offer and it was essential, my wife told me,

to book them before the

th of the month.

Thank you.

I don't know about you, ladies, but can I just say, Pauline,

I had no idea that broccoli could be so intriguin g.

Thank you.

Now then, ladies, can I have a volunteer to draw the raffle?

- No. - Yes.

- No. - All right, I'll ask him.

- Volunteer your own husband. - Yeah, right.

What's Rod going to talk to the WI about?

Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what John'd say.

- What the hell am I gonna speak about? - John, I don't care.

Whatever it is is gonna be better than the bloody history of the cauliflower

or whatever it is we've got next week.

- One seedling... - Annie, tell him.

John, the whole point of the WI is...

- Are you listening to me? - Annie, what is the point of the WI?

Enlightenment, fun and friendship.

Well, there, you see. It's right. It's them things.

In my case, you did it cos your mother asked you, then she died...

- You love it. - One seed in each pot.

You're bloody useless, you are.

Look. Is it all right like that?

I've done the Harman wedding, but the carnation table fronts

need to be done for that conference in Guiseley.

Good Lord. Nagging lilies.

And I couldn 't find the order form.

I thought, after your fantastic reorganisation,

all the order forms had to go on the bent nail.

Are you going upstairs to do your homework?

I'm not bothered.

No worries.

Jem?

Mum.

Oh, you... Shoo!

You beggar! Go on!

He's a little devil is that crow.

He'll have all them seedlings if we don't do something.

Something we need to have a little... a little chat about.

- Annie... - Don't leave me.

You great... Hey, come here.

I'm not leaving you. You soft girl.

At least, I bloody hope not.

You know, what kind is it he's got?

He says he's gonna call it Saddam Hussein.

You should have told us. I'm your oldest friend.

You should have told me the moment you found out.

I did.

No big hoo -ha, though, OK?

lt'll just make it easier for him to get back to normal when he gets out, you know,

and the tests are clear and... and everything.

Entries for the home and craft competition to the WI tent immediately.

- What are they? Hell's Angels? - Sort of. They're morris dancers.

- We'll see you back at the tents. - All right. See you later. Yeah.

- Garden in a plant pot. - Done that.

- Straightest courgette. - Done.

Most creative thing done with an egg. Then we've done everything. Come on.

Look at 'em. High Gill WI.

Let's arrange our cakes round an old cartwheel.

- Does look pretty, though. - Whose side are you on, Brutus?

- No, I didn't mean... - What's your event, by the way?

Tea tray on an international theme.

I did Jamaica, but it could be anywhere in the Caribbean.

If more people did WI, there'd be half the need for hallucinogenic drugs.

Good, Ruth. International tea t ray.

Victoria sponge... Annie's on victoria sponge.

- Summat for under a pound... - Kathy.

Kathy. That's it. Where's that?

What's that?

Annie won't have had time, running Yul Brynner in and out of Skipton General,

so ta-da!

I'm sorry. It just took a bit long... Oh, my God, the cake.

- Told you. - It's all right. Chris has saved the day.

- You baked that? - I'm not a total dead loss as a woman.

I can't knit or make plum jam, but I can bake a bloody victoria sponge.

- Thank you. - Course, I didn't actually bake this.

- I got it from Marks & Spencer's. - What?!

- The point is... - You can't enter a cake you've bought.

Get off! It doesn't matter where it comes from, does it?

This is about putting up a united front against High Gill.

This isn't bakery.

It's Zulu.

Are you ready?

Will the parents of the young lad in the Spider -Man T-shirt

please meet him under the gorilla.

Now, excitement in the main tent, where the WI judging's begun.

- Aye aye. - Jury's back.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this year's May Wilkinson trophy

for victoria sponge, maximum -inch diameter,

I'm pleased to say is entry number

.

- Nice knowing you, Chris. - Help me!

That's interesting.

Entered by Knapely WI and baked by Chris Harper.

- Very, very well done. It's a beautiful cake. - Thanks. Thanks very much.

And I'm proud to say this cake also wins

the judges'

discretionary award.

It was really beautiful.

Thank you.

Listen, I never normally ask this.

The lightness of that sponge.

Is there a trick, a technique, how you got that?

Uh, well...

Well, I basically stuck to me mother's advice about cake baking.

Yes.

Which is line the bowl with butter.

Always use a warm spoon.

And if it's a special event, get it at Marks & Spencer's.

Throw the ca ke at 'em.

Are you throwing my cake? That is disrespectful.

- This is very good. - Of course it's good.

They don't give the May Wilkinson out lightly, you know.

In fact, I'm going to be asked to do a master class at the WI.

- That'll be interesting. - Wasn't I supposed to do one?

Something? Yeah. For the WI. Or don't you want that any more?

I'll tell you what, if you want me to do it, you'd better get it in quick.

Go.

- Kiss. - They're on "arrows of desire".

- You can't go to llkley without a kiss. - I go every Thursday.

It's not an overseas posting.

Kiss.

Firstly, how else could we start than by congratulating Chris

on not only winning the May Wilkinson but also the judges' discretionary ribbon.

I'm so pleased.

Now, the next item on the agenda is the calendar.

Last year we had views of local bridges,

so this year I thought we could go for the most beautiful views of...

- George Clooney. ...the churches of Wharfedale.

fully clothed

and a little "lift the flap" for December.

Chris?

- No, nothing. - She said George Clooney.

No. No, Marie. I'm fine, you know, with whatever.

Churches of Wharfedale it is, then.

It should be bloody George Clooney.

Burnsall Church or George Clooney I know which I'd rather wake up looking at.

It is a Norman church, you know.

I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church.

It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about.

Careful. You'll pull your drip out.

Anyway, let's face it,

hate to be a revolutionary, it might actually sell a few copies.

Yeah, the WI posing -pouch calendar.

- Flesh sells, I tell ya. - Yeah.

Right, decided.

So where do we get a photographer?

Art college. It's full of charlatans who prostitute their talent for money.

- Is it? - Yeah. Lawrence was telling me.

Hey, you wanna see this kid's photographs.

Don't go on about them.

He's taking some of me sunflowers, to see how they're getting on.

It's not your photographer, it's your models. Professional models cost a bloody bomb.

I'll model for you for nowt.

No, thanks. I've just seen your backside and, believe me, it's not like George's.

There you go.

This bloody settee. They're gonna need another relatives' room,

for the relatives of the relatives who got injured on the settee in the relatives' room.

So, did you talk to the specialist?

John seems chirpier to me today. What's the old...

- Pneumonia and septicaemia. - That's good. I've heard of those.

They can deal with those, can't they?

It means his immune system's weakened.

The chemo isn't working.

Which means we're finally out of straws.

Don't you go buying any benches.

Do what the hell I like, John Clarke.

If you put a bench out here,

it'll have "Leeds stuffed Arsenal" on it before you get back to th